The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 148: Apocalypse Now Edition

Episode Date: December 17, 2015

In this week's episode, Cindy Lou Who will receive a Congressional Medal of Honor, the Catholics will sigh with relief upon realizing their latest sex scandal was just a dude stealing from the collection plate to pay a gay male porn star to pee on him, and Lucinda will join us in learning that the Bible definitely saved the best for last.

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of insecticide for the apocalypse, End of Spray's Locust repellent. Did you just read the book of Revelation? Pretty sure you're not going to get raptured before all the shit goes down? Hoping to do some hiking near the abyss of Hades while the world collapses around you? Well, we've got the locust demon bug spray for you. End of sprays, locust repellent. Prevents up to 90% of sexual assaults by flying scorpions when combined with not dressing slutty. And now, the scathing atheist. Hi, this is Adam Collins from the

Atheists of Facebook online convention where we bring the convention to you to your home for free. Join us this January 2nd 2016 on our YouTube page at youtube.com slash atheists of Facebook and find our YouTube page at youtube.com slash Atheist of Facebook and find our event page on Facebook

by searching for Atheist of Facebook Online Convention. And, despite what dumbasses say, we did in fact evolve from filthy, funky men. It's Thursday. It's December 17th. And George Lucas just created another generation of overweight nerds with way too many action figures.

And we are excited. That he got the fuck out of the way. Yeah, I'm no illusions. I'm Heath Enright. And from Sith Power, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Cindy Lou Who will receive the Congressional Medal of Honor. The Catholic Church is relieved that their latest sex scandal was nothing more than a golden shower prostitute thing. And Lucinda will join us to learn that the Bible absolutely saved the best for last.

But first, the diatribe. So, the problem was in the splitter. I tried a bunch of shit, swapped a bunch of shit out. Ultimately, I narrowed it down. I wasn't getting a good connection on the splitter. It's a little Y-shaped doohickey. You plug it into an audio jack so you can plug two sets of headphones or whatever into the same slot. So problems identified. It's the splitter's fault,

but that doesn't mean the problem's solved, right? I mean, we're talking about like a $5 item you can pick up at any music shop or electronics store, but it's 6 o'clock, it's Saturday, and I'm doing David Smalley's 24-hour fundraiser thing in a few hours. I can't do that with my headphones cutting in and out the whole time. And the only place that I know of in this town where you can buy an eighth-inch audio splitter at six o'clock on a Saturday is in the fucking mall. Now, I've been avoiding this shit for weeks.

You know, I did all my holiday shopping online. I stockpiled on all my non-perishables. I even tried to predict what odd shit at my house was most likely to break between now and January so I could pick up a spare. The last thing I wanted to do was go to the fucking mall at the height of Christmas season, but here I am not only going to the mall, but going on a Saturday at six o'clock in the evening. And look, this is not an atheist thing. It's not that Santa hats burn my eyes or that tinsel is my kryptonite. It's just that I'm sane. So I don't like standing in dense crowds, listening to shitty music and waiting in line for 18 minutes to buy a goddamn $5 splitter. And here I am getting all three in concert. So I pull up to

the mall. I walk past a Salvation Army bullshit, past the carolers singing about baby Jesus. I go under the mistletoe, around the LED snowflakes, past Santa Claus, left at the giant wreath, right at the candy canes, towards the big ass Christmas tree. I go past another mistletoe, around the LED snowflakes, past Santa Claus, left at the giant wreath, right at the candy canes, towards the big-ass Christmas tree. I go past another Santa and another and another Santa, push my way through a rush hour subway's worth of shoppers so I can pick up this tiny little testament to why 3D printers are going to be so fucking awesome. And then I head to the tinsel-wrapped counter where a girl in a Santa hat awaits me, eventually, because it's a really long fucking line. So as I'm standing here, absently listening to the speaker's croon about a manger manger based maternity ward from back in the day, I can't help but wonder what the fuck winning must look like to these people. You know, seriously, this holiday is still more than two weeks away and I can't go 10 fucking inches without being reminded that it's Christmas time.

And yes, when I finally get to the counter, the girl there says happy holidays instead of Merry Christmas, but she's wearing a fucking Santa hat. You know, it's obvious she's not wishing me a happy Hanukkah. and yet I'm constantly hearing about this fucking war on Christmas that's being waged against them. You guys have a whole month. One twelfth of the year is dedicated to your holiday, and that's not enough for you? Oh, I'm sorry. Was the door greeter at Walmart considering the fact that he can't tell if you're a Christian or a Jew just by looking at you? That bastard. Did the asshole in that advertising department choose a Christian saint over the Christian Messiah to promote the month-long sale they dedicated to your Savior's birthday?

Those assholes. And look, most of the atheists I know couldn't give a lump of butt call about any of this. Most of us celebrate Christmas, at least those of us in predominantly Christian cultures, and it doesn't bother us a lick that virtually every interaction that we're going to have with a human being over the next two weeks is going to open and close with Merry Christmas. But I am cognizant of how that shit has to play if you're like a Hindu, right? I mean, the dude that works at the store down from my house, Hindu guy, standing behind a counter all day,

getting told Merry Christmas 800 fucking times, seeing symbolism of this Christian holiday everywhere he goes, seeing how the schools and stores close for this holiday but not his holiday, being subtly and not so subtly reminded that he's a cultural outsider everywhere he goes for a month plus. And that's what the whole happy holidays thing is about. I mean, that's not something that rose out of atheism.

It rose out of consideration for minority religions. And it's the most bullshit compromise because there are no other religions having big major holidays right now. You know what? Hanukkah? Fuck off. That's only a big holiday because it's near Christmas and Jewish parents were near Christians

and they wanted their kids to have something too. So happy holidays is the most infinitesimal little scooch in the direction of inclusivity. And yet that is an unforgivable encroachment to these people. Now, of course, that's not the story that they would tell you, right? I mean, if you ask the people promoting this war on Christmas nonsense, they're going to tell you it's because the secularists hate their joy as much as the Muslims hate their freedom. Because I guess if you say, I just don't like being considerate to Jews, you sound like an asshole even to yourself.

But make no mistake, that's what it is. This is symbolic of another cultural front they're losing ground on. Of course, their religion should get privileges that Jews and Muslims and Hindus don't get because their religion is right, right? Any indication that our culture gives that all the religions should be equally respected challenges that notion. It tells their children, hey, you know that thing that that other guy believes that he's absolutely sure is true, even though you and I know that it's obvious bullshit? Turns out that's exactly like the thing that your parents are absolutely sure is true. They don't like that

message of fucking lick. So when we look at their hand-wringing and hyperventilating, you know, we tend to see a fiction. We see grown adults buying sky-falling insurance. We'll say, give me a fucking break. There's no war on Christmas. Have you been to the goddamn mall? But there is a war on Christian overreach, and that's what they're talking about.

You know, the happy holidays thing is a symbolic front, as are all the nativity scenes on courthouse lawns. It's a sign of what they're rightfully losing. I mean, look, in 1965, you could have a Christmas cartoon where the Voice of Reason characters take center stage to paraphrase the Gospel of John. There's no fucking way a popular comic property would do that today. I mean, Ninja Turtles Christmas will absolutely not include Donatello delivering a sermon. So yes, there is a war on Christmas. And yes, you guys are losing it. Because by your definition, winning means cramming Jesus into every crack and crevice,

exerting extra constitutional exemptions, and tricking my eight-year-old ass into listening to Linus verbally teabag Jesus for three minutes. And if that's what you're willing to take to the battlefield to defend, I'm willing to meet you on the other side. So pausing briefly for a shot of eggnog and a moment of solemn remembrance for all the elves we've lost over the years, we cry happy holidays and let slip the reindeers of war. They're talking about you, Jesus.

We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is the cat who won't cop out when there's danger all about Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to reappropriate standards of black culture for your own financial gain without attribution? Are you asking if I'm white? Because yes, I am white. Right. Damn white. That says it all.

Shut your mouth. I was going to do it all. In our lead story tonight. Shut your mouth, sorry. I was going to do it. I was going to follow orders. I hadn't said my safe word. We're good. In our lead story tonight, just so that we're not accused of buying into all the peace and joy bullshit, we bring you the latest on imprisoned Saudi blogger Raif Badawi.

A quick bit of background since it's been a long time since we covered this story. Badawi was arrested for insulting Islam in 2012. he was convicted on multiple charges including apostasy in 2013 sentenced to 10 years in prison and a thousand lashes in 2014 and became everybody's facebook avatar in 2015 yeah it's too bad he's not christian or else we could let him come to the united states yeah right right exactly but no atheists allowed now it's been almost a year since we've really had anything concrete to report on his story. The first of his 20 scheduled floggings took place back in January of this year, and the second has been repeatedly postponed due, according to Saudi officials,

to something that definitely isn't international pressure, because they're not worried about what the fuck we think or have on our Facebook or anything like that. There have been a number of conflicting reports over the last 11 months about what's actually going to happen to him at this point, but officially his case has perpetually been under review. It's got to be one of those awkward moments for the jailers over there right now. You know, like when we first banned waterboarding at Gitmo for the first time, all of a sudden the prisoners talking trash there.

What happened, fellas? No waterboarding again? You get a little Senate reprimand? Some new rule? You want to tickle me? You want to give me one potato chip until I talk? Sorry, I'm making jokes over here. My point being, no torturing.

What the fuck is wrong with human beings? No torturing. And not just because there was a leak or some political pressure. Just never, ever, ever, ever, not at all. Don't do that. World policy. I bet I get at least one pro-torture email now from a Sam Harris fan. Anyway, after a brief glimpse of hope last week when Swiss officials suggested Badawi

might be pardoned, we got a much less optimistic update via Facebook. Badawi's wife, who is currently hiding from Saudi Arabia and Canada, posted an update on Friday, and according to her most recent information, Badawi is now being transferred to a prison normally reserved for people whose cases are pretty much fully adjudicated, and as of the update, had been on a hunger strike for four days. Wow. Fucking horrible.

Holy shit. And in Grinching Whoville news tonight, Christians all across the country are furious about how we heathens managed to steal the holiday that they stole from those other heathens that other time. In particular, they're extra offended about how we officially renamed December as non-denominational gifting month. Damn us. They don't like saying that. GOP Congressman Doug Lamborn of Colorado introduced a new resolution last week, the purpose of which would be, quote, expressing the sense of the House of Representatives that the symbols

and traditions of Christmas should be protected for use by those who celebrate Christmas, end quote. What? That's a real thing that's being discussed in the United States Congress. Well, and what's more, it's the first thing they've actually done in this calendar year, too. It's all they've got on their resumes. So, yeah, here's what they've been working on. This is what it actually says in the proposed resolution, H.R. 564.

And as with any good piece of theocratic writing, it starts with a little David Barton-style paranoia. Quote, theocratic writing it starts with a little david barton style paranoia quote whereas the framers intended that the first amendment would not prohibit any mention of religion or reference to god in civic dialogue what apparently that was a concern now therefore be it resolved in italics that the house of representatives one recognizes the importance of the symbols and traditions of Christmas. Two, strongly disapproves of attempts to ban references to Christmas. And three, expresses support for the use of these symbols and traditions by those who celebrate Christmas. End quote.

And let it be further resolved that Tuesdays shall precede Wednesdays and follow Mondays, that the sum of the whole shall not be greater than the sum of its parts, and that Lucinda will forever answer, what do you want to drink with a super category of flavors, rather than the name of an actual fucking beverage? Something fruity. Okay. Okay, I'll figure it out. Whereas A is not equal to B. Yeah, unbelievable. So I'm

trying to imagine what these people think is happening. Are they worried about a secret atheist cabal that's looking to outlaw all the religious stuff that didn't get resolved to yet? We have a list. Exactly. It's about stealing their magical powers, like Jewish people secretly caroling and making profit. Are they anticipating a bill that legally reserves the N-word for black people? So they want to start calling dibs on stuff? Whereas white people can still say it if they're singing along to a rap song with their black friends.

It makes no sense. What is happening? And in Anu knock-it-off news tonight, the awesomely bizarre people of Iceland have invented a creative new protest against their government's archaic tax policies with regards to religion. So for those of you who don't follow Icelandic religious tax policy weekly the way I do, Icelanders are required by law to register their religion with the state and a percentage of their taxes, their federal taxes, then go to whatever religious body they chose. But you can't just say I'm an atheist and keep your fucking money or even I'm an atheist. So please give my money to anything but a fucking church. Oh, good. They have an atheism tax.

A really basically atheism. Can you be agnostic and like put it in an escrow? No, no, too sensible. So into this antiquated system of parish fees enters the new ancient religion of Zouism, which managed to convert nearly one in every hundred Icelanders in a two-week period. Can't argue with those numbers. Well, okay, right. But the appeal of the new church, however,

is based less on their worship of ancient Sumerian gods and more on their policy of reimbursing their members' parish fees. This is fantastic. Right, right. So basically, you tell the government you're a Zuist, they give a percentage of your taxes to the church, you show the church how much it was, and they give it back. So for the first time in living memory, a religion served a purpose.

Bravo, guys. Bravo. And these Zuism guys made it really hard to argue against because they're doing exactly what the religious lawmakers in Iceland were claiming was supposed to happen. In the first place, yes, exactly. No, no, no. The parish fees are good. It makes it so the churches have the funding to give back to the community. We're literally doing that, though, but fairly.

That's all we do. We give it back. Our lady of perpetual refunds. Suck it. I love it. This is great. Hells yeah. Now, religious leaders in Iceland, of course, are fighting back against this threat to their

cash cow by working to have zooism removed from the list of 40 registered religious organizations that the country approves for this bullshit religion tax. They argue that zoism isn't a real religion since it's obviously bullshit. You can't have demonstrable bulls... Wait. No, since people are only joining it for ulterior motives and the promise of some reward... Oh, fuck. No, hold on.

Since there's no such thing as God damn it, because they really want to keep getting money. And in soldier solar news tonight, Americans really are that stupid. As much as I'd love to tell our international listeners that we're just the victims of cultural prejudice based on an unrepresentative sample of exaggerated stereotypes, they have access to the Internet and could thus disprove my assertions based solely on this story out of North Carolina, where a town rejected a proposal for a solar farm for fear it might suck up all of the sun's energy. Okay, well, not sure why they think that matters. I just read the book of Revelation, and Jesus is just about to snuff out the

sun with angel trumpets. Right, yeah. Any minute. That's why the panels won't matter. It has nothing to do with how they steal all the photons. revelation and jesus is just about to snuff out the sun with angel trumpets right yeah any minute that's why the panels won't matter has nothing to do with how they steal all the photons that's pretty much relevant well i mean that would be a less stupid reason to reject this because of the scorpion locusts we won't need them once the scorpion locusts right but no this new intellectual low came during a woodlawn town council meeting about a proposal to build the area's fourth large solar farm. And to the credit of at least some of the people present, the bulk of the concerns revolved around diminishing property values and the like.

But just to ensure that nobody ever takes a North Carolinian seriously again, among the resident speakers was retired science teacher Jane Mann, who pointed out that, damn it, the plants need that sun to photosynthesize with. Must not have been an observational science teacher. I guess not. But in fairness, though, those plants keep sucking up our carbon dioxide collections. You've got to weigh the pros and cons of having plants. Yeah. So as evidence of the danger of overtaxing the sun,

Mann cited the fact that she'd seen brown plants near solar panels before. And as if sensing that the logical conclusion of her argument was outlawing shade, she offered a mutant version of Pascal's wager when she also pointed out that nobody can prove to her that solar panels don't cause cancer. What? And based on brilliant analyses like these, the council voted three to one to not only reject the current proposal, but to place a local moratorium on the building of any new solar farms so they won't suck up all the sun's energy. So we're sticking with fossil fuels because the solar panels might be bad for the environment and cause cancer. America. Wow.

And in combs with the territory news tonight, during a recent episode of his radio show, conservative political commentator Sean Hannity did his best to explain why Donald Trump's plan to ban all Muslims from the United States is actually a good idea. And it's a curveball. Are you ready? All right. According to Hannity, it's all about protecting the rights of women and the rights of the LGBT community. What?

Now, does Sean Hannity advocate expanded protection for the rights of women and gay people? No. But he's willing to let that happen as collateral damage if it means we can all get behind the banning the Arabs thing. All right. So he's like offering us a carrot. I got you. His whole fucking tirade was so convoluted. He's basically saying like, well, how do we know that all these people from Syria aren't going to come to America and try to make it just like Syria?

I mean, first of all, Syria is already just like Syria. So if that's what they were looking for, they'd just be unfujis or whatever. But also, it doesn't fucking matter because it's not like Syrians just get to come to America and live by whatever laws they prefer. I mean, they they would still have to America once they got here. Right. So here's my favorite part from his little rant. Hannity wondered, quote, Why is there such a denial about how Sharia law contradicts

everything that we believe in our constitutional republic. End quote. I don't know, Sean Hannity. First of all, there's not. No. But if there was, maybe it would be similar to the denial about how biblical law contradicts all that stuff in exactly the same way. It's just a thought.

Yeah, right. So as much as I like to disagree with this guy, I did enjoy how he accidentally made a cogent argument in favor of banning all religious people from the United States. Fortunately, not exactly feasible, but I'm on board in principle. Yeah, I mean, holy shit. If we let the Muslims in, there might be religious people standing in the way of gay rights. And also, let's examine what makes Sharia law so contrary to the concepts of a free and open society that protects a person's freedom of religion. Hold on, hold on. I can't think of almost have a tip of my tongue here so just to recap

hannity's reasoning goes something like this all these muslim dudes are going to show up and they're going to want laws that let them marginalize women and discriminate against gay people and american christians shouldn't have to share those laws with other groups. They're running low as it is. So if discriminating against an entire religion of people doesn't make sense to you at face value,

like apparently it should, think of the women and the gay people. Well, temporarily. And then forget about them. That's the Hannity doctrine on this in a nutshell and as if it's not enough for all those ladies out there to know that sean hannity's looking out for him we'll take a quick break to pass things over to my lovely wife lucy a man wrote the bible a horse which one if it's a legitimate race right cooking can be fine hey i'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny.

Holy fuck, could I make this a depressing segment. But I haven't talked to you for two weeks, so I don't want to make our long-awaited reunion a long screed about horrible shit happening because idiots think Jesus said zygotes have souls. I don't want to talk about a woman in Tennessee who faces attempted murder charges because of a botched attempt at self-aborting a fetus in a climate where people are charging into abortion clinics and randomly murdering people. I don't want to talk about Personhood USA's internal celebration about this case or their continued efforts to make all abortions result in murder charges, as outlined in an email they

sent to supporters this week. And while we're on the subject, I also don't want to talk about Personhood USA's co-founder, Cal Zalstro, appearing at a political event in Tennessee to explain to the audience that if they don't fight against gay marriage now, they'll have to explain to their daughters later why the sodomite police just came and took their husbands away. I swear, those are his words. I guess foremost on the list of shit I don't want to talk about would be the homeless shelter in Kentucky that banned all women because they just couldn't stop tempting the men with their lustful homeless devil snatches. I shit you not. Emergency Christian Ministries. Their director told a local news station that they kicked out all the women and children to stop what he called the sex problem. You know, homeless people who

can't satisfy their sexual urges because they're not allowed to fuck on the streets. Yeah, those problems. Anyway, the director of Some Asshole Named Billy Woodward caught word that people were fucking in his homeless shelter, so he figured the logical solution was to get all those vile temptresses the hell away from the men so they could just jerk off instead, I guess. He excused himself by pointing out that there's a woman's only shelter a quick 40-minute drive away,

or if you assume that the homeless people are also carless people, about a seven-hour walk. Woodward also admitted that it takes at least two people to fuck, and in his work biblical view, two people of different genders. But he assured reporters that despite the blanket ban on the vaginas, he wasn't biased or prejudiced whatsoever, a point that he emphasized by pointing out that, quote, we are not biased or prejudiced whatsoever, end quote. So yeah, homeless women and children being kicked out of a shelter in December for their lack of mature penises. Exactly the kind of thing I don't want to talk about. I mean, don't

get me wrong, I know I should talk about all that stuff because holy shit does it need more exposure in the mainstream press, but it's depressing and I don't want to spoil our reunion, so I'm not going to talk about any of the stuff I just talked about. Instead, the only news item I'll mention this week is a bit of good news out of Saudi Arabia. And yes, all of those words just came out of my mouth in that order without me first saying something like the sentence I'm least likely to ever say in this week of misogyny is because last Saturday for the first time in the nation's history, women in Saudi Arabia voted and ran for office. Now, obviously, this is a pretty small step in a country where women still aren't allowed to drive

or walk in public without permission. And we're talking about elect officials in a more or less token governmental body within a theocratic dictatorship. But 14 female elected officials in the country is infinitely more than zero. And when your subject matter is misogyny, you don't often get much more uplifting headlines than that. So with that, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. And in naughty, naughty Saudis news tonight, Saudi Arabian officials admitted this week

to radically underreporting the true death toll during September's gruesome stampede in Mecca. The state press issued an official count of 769 deaths, which is pretty fucking horrible already, but according to an official count of 769 deaths which is pretty fucking horrible already but according to an independent count by the associated press the true number is more than three times that with an estimated 2411 deaths how does that happen and while there's been no adjustment to the estimate of people injured the saudi official total of 934 sounds suspiciously like also bullshit. Okay, I don't get it.

Who were they trying to impress with the somewhat lower stampede death number? And what did that meeting sound like? Sir, we've counted over 2,400 dead bodies. Can we fudge that a little? We're going to look like idiots. Call it 750. No, no, no. 769. Oh, much more reasonable death toll for a human stampede in 2015 well at least not a record setting in all

of human history one i guess now while the exact cause of the stampede is still under dispute experts suggest it probably started when some fallible human spoke for god with no fucking clue what everybody has to visit here once would actually mean if the world had seven billion fucking people on it the new estimates would make this the deadliest stampede in recorded history taking the record from the same shit happening in the same place during the same event in 1990 and in hanukkah nibbanoid news tonight a menorah bong exists so i'm pretty sure i'm jewish now i don't like shaving anyway i always thought the little hats were pretty cool plus i already read the book and my parents had my cock aesthetically modified when i was too young to object all the hard work is already done

so shomer fucking shabbos now this isn't so much a news item as a clever press release i wanted to talk about but just in case somebody was still wondering what to get me for plain red cutmas, there's such a thing as a particularly blasphemous bug. I feel like that question should be settled. Also, I'm Jewish now, and nobody got me anything for Hanukkah. You know how we Jews get when we feel neglected. Probably somebody should get me something.

I'll do what I can, but this is Georgia. I mean, if I had to guess, the best I'm going to do shopping around here is get you eight candlesticks and a soldering iron. So good luck with that. And finally tonight, from the Pew asparagus file, according to a new lawsuit filed by a group of Catholic parishioners, Reverend Peter McKellie, while serving as a priest, embezzled more than a million dollars from several churches in New York City in order to pay for his addiction to high-end prostitutes.

Wait for it. Specifically, S&M Golden Shower manholes. Holy shit. I guess we can still tell you a bit more about the story, but let's go ahead and put those 30 seconds to the clock. Right, yes. Just so we're ready. Good thing you didn't use a condom or this would have been immoral.

Now, as I understand it, though, in the wake of this story, Christian theologians have requested a moratorium on doing unto others as you have done unto yourself. Cracks in that armor were shown quite clearly by the golden shower rule. So apparently this guy was spending $1,000 at a time for bondage and discipline sessions with a so-called homosexual sex master. And based on, I'm assuming, some really creepy private investigation, the plaintiffs determined that these transactions involved getting pissed on by the sex master and drinking his urine.

And, I mean, if this were just some dude who likes weird sex stuff and stole from the collection plate, I mean, it's no big deal. But the suit also alleges that Cardinal Timothy Dolan knew about the situation early on and did nothing to stop it. And even worse, though, I mean, like, what are you going to do now? Because, I mean, throwing an S&M fetish piss guzzler into prison is like suspending students for skipping school. I mean, please don't throw me in that briar patch you know what the fuck one last thing by the way this is my favorite part the

prostitute who was specifically mentioned in the lawsuit is named keith christ keith christ that's why i think this story it it just, it sums up Christianity perfectly. You spend a bunch of money every week trying to get Christ inside of you. And in the end, you always get pissed on. Yeah. It's not just the urophile beef guy. Okay, so obviously there's no need to get fancy with it this week. We've already got the 30 seconds on the clock.

We are looking for headlines about Christian embezzlers and their urine fetishes. Gay S&M hookers optional. So, yeah, right, right. This story is so ripe for 30 seconds that our 30 seconds category is sentences summing up this story. All right. All right. I love it. How about urine trouble?

Pissed off parish, passed on, pissed on pastor. You could probably use that one, actually. About holy water sports sports area priest steals millions from churches like a thief in the nitrogen or how about yuri a priest insists the golden drool remains his number one priority positive spin maybe uh hook and bladder. Man of the crossing streams learns why you never do that. A little bit too late. Man of the crossing streams. Or how about embarrassed priest admits that in his rush to fit in, he never bothered to look up the definition of pedophile.

Whoops. What about 50 shades of yellow journalism? S&M urine enthusiast priest embroiled in sticky leak scandal. Yeah, of course. Maybe distressed local priest. If this is my baptismal font, then where is my bedpan? All right, what about Piddler on the Poof? Gay reverend looks to establish Jesus Christ Church of Blatterday Saints.

Right. Oh, shit shit that was asking for it how about Catholic priest has consensual sexual relationship with adult Vegas bookmakers suffer record losses enough to be fair I actually saw that one in the New York Post that was actually a real headline so I didn't do

the work there okay I got one last one all right what about beat spray love NYPD investigation reveals that somebody to the work there. All right, I got one last one. All right. What about beat, spray, love? NYPD investigation reveals that somebody beats the whiz. And now that we've brought the reappropriation of black culture full circle, I guess we can close out

the headlines. Heath, thanks as always. Balderdash. And when we come back, the New Testament will finally make with the crazy. I love Balderdash. It's an awesome, sweet game.

I love Boulder Nest. It's also a sweet game to play. We made it. It was April of 2013 when we first cracked open this fucking book. And back then, Revelation seemed like an impossibly distant point teasing us from a receding horizon but here we are 33 months and 65 books later cracking the bible open for the last time sort of and while it was a mystery to me this time last week while there were so many fucking epistles it's clear now that they're just there in the hopes that they can bore people off before the crazy shit ramps up at the end. Yeah, I guess crazy street preachers weren't able to scream maniacal rants very well about boring fucking letters. Right, yes.

They included a peyote-themed chapter for their benefit. And here it is. And boy, isn't it. I think we can pretty much just read the book verbatim. Definitely will not require editorializing from us no no i want to warn you in advance that we're not quite going to cap off the bible tonight because there is no way we can squeeze all the insanity of revelation into a single episode so this will actually be part one of a two-part babble that we're going to wrap up on next week's show but before we can get started with all of

that of course we have to welcome back the lovely and talented lucinda illusions lucinda welcome back to the show. Holy fuck. It's like Ezekiel took that shit that makes you eat homeless people's faces and shit. Oh my God, that shit's crazy. Crazy. Holy fuck. I mean, it was almost worth the other 65 books

just to make it to this one. Not really. Well, no. So we start off with a chain letter promise about how people who read this book aloud will be blessed by God and people who don't will get hit by a cement truck. Right. And I just want to point out that we're all of 16 words into this particular book before we come across soon as the revelation of what must soon take place. So keep in mind, all of this was coming soon. Circa 90 CE.

Keep in mind, all of this was coming soon, circa 90 CE. Any minute. Yeah. So this dude, John, got banished from Greece for being a religious lunatic. Clearly. And he was living in a cave on this island in the Mediterranean called Patmos. Like sane people do. Right. And as far as I can tell, the book starts about 30 minutes after John eats a whole bunch of mushrooms, a lot of mushrooms,

and he manages to get a prologue and a greeting written, but then it just flies off. Oh, yes. First, he starts hearing voices and then he turns around and he sees seven golden lampstands and a dude that's supposed to be Jesus. And John john knows it's jesus because the guy quote looked like a son of man end quote looked like a son of man which sounds anti-semitic at least a little yeah but his new and improved jesus oh yes and holy shit did they deck him out for the last act apparently he's just like regular jesus except his hair is as white as snow. He's wearing a gold sash. His feet are way more tan than the rest of them. For some reason.

His face is glowing. And? I shit you not. And? He has a sword sticking out of his mouth. Sword mouth! Fucking Jesus. And by the way, why would you not lead with that?

I mean, why would you go into detail about the lampstands and how Tana's feet were and then top it off with, oh, by the way, there was also a sword that stuck out of his mouth. Not a big deal. Right, and I get the distinct impression that it was retractable. So it's like an oral Wolverine. Snippy, snippy, snippy. Yeah, hell yeah.

And I think they accidentally included a useful lesson here. We learned that the shit coming out of Jesus' mouth is a double-edged sword. Can I point out here that that would be the most inconvenient possible way? Just visualize this for a second. Being in a sword fight, but the sword is in your mouth. Weird. What?

And plus, Sharknado versus Adamantium Mouth Sword Jesus. That's a winning combination. I think we got something there. Yet another reason to visualize that Hells yeah So now we get his messages to the seven churches Starting with the one in Ephesus I guess Which apparently

Ephesus Ephesus Whatever I can't pronounce this Half the shit in my head I can't Right yeah exactly Which apparently is Jesus threatening to take away their lampstand

Unless they keep hating Nicolaitans and loving Jesus more. Right. Yes. And the tone of these letters he writes is ridiculous. First one basically says, Dear Church of Ephesus. Yeah, I'm the guy with the seven stars in my hand. That's me. Walks among the seven lampstands.

I'm going to revoke your charter if you don't repent for getting all lazy. Although, I do like how you guys continue hating those Nicolaitans. They're dirty, dirty people. So you're right about that. But otherwise, you might be in trouble. Weird letters. And then we get Thyatira. Yeah.

So this one basically went, Dear Church of Thyatira. This is the guy with the fire eyes and the metal shoes. You remember me? That lady Jezebel is a blasphemous whore. Whore. I am going to kill her with face cancer. Just thought you should know.

All the best. Metal Mario Jesus. Well, yeah. I mean, basically, we go through the seven churches one by one, and Jesus gives each of them a compliment sandwich. You know? He's like, hey, guys, I dig the way you suffer and your love for me. Great job on that front. However, there's this

bitch named Jezebel. Y'all need to stop fucking around with her. Also, free puppies when you die. And we absolutely cannot let this quote pass without comment. This is chapter 2, verses 24 and 25. Oh, I love this one. He's talking about how

some of the people in the church have been fornicating and listening to the Jezebel slut, but others, quote, have not learned what some call the deep things of Satan. To you, I say, I do not lay on you any other burden. Only hold fast to what you have

until I come. End quote. Timing issue. That totally might win the Bible in a window award. Well, yeah, maybe outside of Song of Songs, especially since he immediately follows it up with talking about giving them an iron rod. That's the deep things of Satan right there, guys. Then he tells the Church of Sardis to stop soiling their clothes. What the fuck was that about?

It was a weird one. Letter went something like this. Dear Church of Sardis, most of you are adults who seem to be shitting themselves constantly. Not looking great for you, in terms of heaven. But there's a few of you that don't shit yourself every day. That's great. Those people, you can go ahead and wear white clothes and maybe talk to me at the end of this whole thing. Everybody in this fucking church needs a pee sheet.

That's all I'm saying. And then finally, the letter to Laodicea. Dear Laodicea, stop being successful. That's highly frowned upon. Oh, yeah. Also, you guys are lukewarm. I noticed, which makes me throw up in my mouth a little bit. I swallow it back down, but I'm not happy about it that I have to swallow it.

You guys are like swallowing vomit. That is all. God. Sword in mouth, Jesus. This is all in the Bible. It is. We don't have to make shit up for this one. I'm sorry. And then we really unleash the crazy.

So once he's got the seven be careful or I'll fuck you when you're not looking letters from Jesus. He sees a magic door open in the sky and floats through it. Like sober people do. Like sober people do. Like you do.

Yeah. Right. So John's sitting there clearly tripping balls in a cave. Let's just remember the context. He looks up and the door to heaven is opened up right there above him. Where are the eyes? Then the guy whose voice sounds like trumpets said something in trumpet words, which meant, come on up here. I'm going to show you something.

So John naturally morphs into spirit form and flies up through the portal. Of course he did. And beyond the door is, you guessed it, God. And if you thought adamantium, sword mouth, Jesus looked weird, apparently God is made of semi-precious gems. Not the best ones. No, not even good ones. No, Jasper and Carnelian, to be exact.

I had to look up Carnelian. It's like an orange rock, which is what Jasper is, basically. Right. So God basically looks like the thing from Fantastic Four. Except he has a throne. More polished, but yes. That's pretty much it. And there's 24 advisors sitting around him, again, with the seven lamps also.

And there's a whole bunch of broken glass in front of it. And John was barefoot, but he walked across it anyway, like in Die Hard, which was awesome. That was pretty awesome. I also, and this is a weird detail, but there are 24 elders in a circle around God, and 24 isn't like, that's not an at-a-glance number. So this dude is standing in front of an orange rock god, lightning spit out of the throne and shit, and he's counting elders? That's just a weird use of your time at that moment.

Two dozen. Huh. I'm going to write that down. Weird. But none of that is remotely the weirdest part of the sequence. Oh, no, no, no. That would be the eyeball monsters. Arguably, yeah.

Eyeball monsters. Yes. So apparently, God has four eyeball monsters. Eyeball monsters. In the Bible. We're not making this up. A lion, an ox, and an eagle. All completely covered in eyeballs.

Even under their wings, I think. Oh, yeah. And it doesn't exactly say what the fourth one is, except that it had the face of a man. Except I'm assuming it was covered with eyeballs. Right, right. Floating as a face. Even said that there were eyeballs inside of them. So, like, gut eyeballs.

This is really fucking gross. That's just nasty. And this is also the part where rocking horse people eat marshmallow pies. On a horse with no name, no doubt. And what are the eyeball creatures doing, you might ask? Why, incessantly singing about how awesome God is, of course, all the time, day and night. This isn't weird. Which is also apparently what the 24 elders are there to do.

Yeah, you can't have too many people singing about how awesome you are. So the god holds up a scroll sealed with seven seals, and one of the angels says, Hey, mother fires, bet none of you can break these seals. And indeed, nobody could. Right. So this person yells out, bet nobody can open up these pickle jars. And everybody tries, but they're all really tight, just won't open.

But then Jesus shows up in the form of a dead baby sheep corpse and starts opening jars. And then shit gets real. Yes. No good. Open pickle jars.

Mayhem! Right. No regular Jesus Open pickle jars. Yeah. Mayhem. Right. No regular Jesus. No. Or even sword mouth Wolverine Jesus. No. Instead, this time they go with dead lamb with seven horns and seven eyes Jesus. It says that in the fucking Bible. So mutant horned, half binocular dead lamb, Jesus grabs the scroll with what?

I have no idea. And all the elders in the eye monsters switch to a different tune, I guess. So first we get the four horsemen. He breaks the first seal. One of the eyeball monsters yells, come the white horse hops out with his bow and sets off on conquering. Yeah,

whatever, whatever he's conquering. He breaks still number two and we get the red horse who takes peace away from the earth so that all of the humans can murder each other better, I guess. Right, but then we get the black horse who clearly got picked last for

apocalypse horsing because his is just weird, you know? Alright, it could be black. Right, right. The first guy gets a bow and conquers nations. The second one gets a sword and takes peace from the earth. But the third guy gets a set of scales and sets out to pay people less barley than usual for a day's work. Oh, but he's not allowed to fuck with the olive oil or the wine. As if his powers weren't pussy enough.

He's like Aquaman with restrictions. He's such an athlete. He's like the Dan Dennett of their horsemen. Sorry, Dan. Love you. All right. And then we get the pale horse, which Christians always just call the pale horse. Right.

And that's because the Bible says pale green horse. And that's just fucking stupid. Just say green then. A green goddamn horse. This is not fucking my little pony. But anyway, this one is death. Boney Jesus. Anyway,

this one is death and he gets all the powers everybody else had plus pestilence and the ability to turn the wild animals against humans. Which is pretty cool powers if you're going to be an apocalypse horse. Yeah, and let's not forget you started to mention this earlier. In addition to the four horsemen of the apocalypse

destruction of the apocalypse, destruction of the universe, also the commodities market goes crazy. Bat shit. Wheat and barley become prohibitively expensive. It is mass hysteria. But of course

there's still more seals and we've run out of eyeball creatures to yell, come. So when he breaks the fifth seal, it's the souls of those who had been slaughtered for the word of God. And they totally fucked up the line. Yeah, exactly. They were just supposed to yell, come. But also, and I think this is worth noting, when he breaks the fifth seal, like nothing happens. A bunch of dead people say, hey God, can we go back to earth

and kill the people who killed us? And God says, no, maybe later. We get war, strife, starvation, pestilence, and then just like, you know, nothing in particular. Right, yeah. This is when all the Christian martyrs

show up as ghosts, I guess, and ask when God's going to rectify that whole thing. To which God responded, literally, a little longer. Exact words. A little longer. Wait a little longer. I'm God, but it's going to be a little bit. First, I've got

to kill a bunch more of you. Here's a complimentary white robe. Just sit tight. We're so close. They dropped your order in back, but we just fired a recook. It is like five more minutes. We get some more breadsticks? Do you want any?

I died for Jesus, and all I got was this lousy robe. Then we get the sixth seal, which I think of as the Ghostbuster verse. And this is the one where God just does like all the other apocalypse shit. This is the one where you get earthquakes, and stars fall into the earth, and the sky disappearing, and the mountains and islands disappearing, and all the people hiding in caves and shit. I mean, it seems like they got to the end, and they're like, man, we should have put more shit in those first five seals. Wow. There's so much still to do.

But it also makes you wonder why Ackroyd cut off his quote where he did in Ghostbusters, because immediately after the ominous shit he said in Ghostbusters, the line gets completely silly. Because immediately after that, it starts talking about stars, like they have things that can fall to the earth and the sky rolling up like a scroll. Way easier to laugh it off if you finish that fucking verse. Yeah. Yeah, definitely.

And then the seventh and final pickle jar gets opened. Jesus starts tearing apart the remaining universe and all of humanity hides in caves, fearing the, quote, wrath of the Lamb. Yes, uh-huh. One of literature's most adorable raves ever. And tasty. So then we've got these four angels all set to unleash even more shit on Earth, but God

calls a timeout so he can mark all of the people he doesn't want to ass-rape with demons. Yeah. And this is where he gets the 144,000 people who get to have it. And again, John must be the fucking like Dustin Hoffman brain man with the toothpicks up here or something like that. He's just looking down and writing what he saw. He's like, he sees an eighth of a million people. And he's like, yeah, it looks like you got 12 000 rubenites 12 000 gadites 11 900 oh wait a minute no it isn't even 12 it's another i missed that guy was taking a shit

yeah so right before the angels are about to cause global climate change see not humans right before they're about to do that one guy has to go around and stamp the foreheads of 144,000 Jewish people. Time out. That's right. The pre-tribulation rapture, only for Jewish people. As it turns out. Read the contract.

Right, right. So then all the saved people start singing to God again. And this is when I first realized that Revelation was, in fact, a musical. It was! Exactly. It was! Ap. It was. Apocalypse the musical. All I kept picturing was, like, Bugs Bunny dancing around, like, over church curtains,

like, this is it, night and night, blowing up all the shit, end of the world, this is it, kill the planet, kill the planet. It's like all Bugs Bunny. Maybe a little Les Mis in there At the end of the day It's where another day old is Makes you wonder Why the fuck they never did Bugs Bunny revelation

Right And then the Bible betrays It's desert origins here too Because one of the elders Is telling John how awesome The life of these saved people Is going to be And he says

The sun will never strike them Which I mean It's December That sounds shitty To most of the people on Earth. Strange that God wouldn't know that in his book. So once the musical interlude ends, we finally get to the seventh seal.

Right, yeah. And after all this buildup, nothing happens. Nothing. It actually says that. It says there was silence in heaven for about half an hour. 30 minutes. Must have been so awkward. Got to assume this is when John temporarily blacked out from all the mushrooms.

That would make sense in the narrative. Yeah, that'd be pretty logical. And we also learn here that the apocalypse has multiple load screens. So if you were hoping the seventh seal was going to destroy the earth, sorry. This apparently just unlocked the seven trumpets, and now we've got to go through those motherfuckers one by one. Yeah. Yeah, but not before an angel throws a bowl of incense at the earth.

Well, of course. Obviously. Smell pretty, I guess. So we get the first trumpet and fire and hail start falling from the sky mixed with blood for some weird reason. Right. Which kills a third of the trees and all the three thirds of the grass. Right, right.

I guess already better than all the horsemanship put together, though. Right. Then the second trumpet causes a mountain to get lit on fire. Like they do. And then thrown into the earthly realm ocean. This makes a third of the water turn into blood. I don't know how they divide that up. It also kills a third of the fish and destroys a third of the boats.

It's a third of them. Exactly. So that's got to be such a weird puzzle trying to work out. Okay, God, I don't know. Can we do maybe a sixth of the boats? Because I don't know how to get that much exact ocean. Do them next to each other or spread them out evenly? That would be weird.

And then we get the enigmatic third trumpet, which causes a star to fall on Earth, even though we already got rid of all the stars and the sky itself, for that matter, after the sixth seal. But okay. Yeah, the third trumpet makes a star named Wormwood fall out of the sky, and a third of the water, or remaining water, turns to absinthe. Much like John was clearly using to wash down his giant handfuls of muscles. So lots of people die because it's bitter now. Because they were drinking from the ocean.

Right. And it's bitter ocean now. They die of bitter saltwater drinking. Dying of absinthe is probably a pretty pleasant way to go, though. As far as ways to go go, yeah. And I hate to be so pedantic, but the whole rest of the book should be, and whoa, it sounded like some crazy shit was going on, but since there was no sun, I didn't know what the fuck it was.

Right? Yeah, except that the sun didn't go out when it said it did. Apparently. Because when they blow the fourth trumpet, a third of the sun goes out. That was already not there. Right. Also, a third of the moon goes out, whatever the fuck that means. Do they not have the same fraction?

I don't know. And also, wait, a third of the moon goes out, whatever the fuck that means. Do they not have the same fraction? I don't know. And also, wait, a third of the stars. Yeah, which. All of which, of course, already fell from heaven. Exactly. During one of the still things. Which makes a third of the day stop happening. And a third of the night becomes day.

No idea what the fuck is happening. Again, it's like reading that novel you think you wrote while you were tripping all night after you wake up the next day, but it's just crayon scribbles and they made it into the last chapter of the biggest book in the world. For some reason. And then, of course, an eagle flies

by and starts talking about how bad the next three trumpets are going to be. A talking eagle. Just in the middle of the fucking book out of nowhere. And the talking eagle flies by and yells to the entire earth, Woe unto thee!

Still atheist? Just wait until the other three trumpets happen. You guys think it was easy with the four original. There's three more. Big trouble. Nothing compared to the um then we get the fifth trumpet and try to keep up on this one apparently one of the stars that fell to the earth is alive and walking around and named abaddon the second

star with a name so the trumpet blast gives him a key, like trumpet blast, due to a bottomless pit, which he then unlocks. Crayon scribble. Crayon scribble. Which poured black smoke out, which blotted out the sun that already didn't shine before a third of it went out. And then we get the locusts. Yeah. The locusts are more than any other single thing the reason we had to split this into two.

We could have done an episode on the goddamn locusts. Fucking locusts. First things you're going to have to know about these locusts is that they have been vested with all the same legal authority as scorpions. Earthly scorpions. Exactly like that. They're allowed to do all the shit scorpions

are allowed to do. They're not allowed to kill authority. They're allowed to do all the shit scorpions are allowed to do. Now you got it? Cool. They're not allowed to kill people, but they are allowed to kidnap you for five months and torture you like scorpions do, you know. But yeah, don't worry, though. If you're part of the tribulation force, you're fine. As we've learned. They only torture the people who don't have the barcode on their face.

This is like a crossover episode with god-awful movies. And how does a locust torture a person? Well, I'm so glad that you asked. Great question. Great question. These aren't any old locusts. No, no. In fact, they're not locusts at all.

They're just not. No. Not even close. They're little, tiny, winged horses with lion-teeth people faces, lady hair. Lady hair. What? And they're wearing little, tiny golden crowns and iron breastplates. And?

They have scorpion tails. Yes. What? They have scorpions. Fucking what? Little, winged horses. They can also make you show up naked to your high school French class so your teacher can give you an interactive lesson about how the words for penis, balls, taint, etc. all work.

And it's cold in class. If it actually said that, that would be the least insane thing in this particular book. If it actually said those words verbatim. Yeah. And after all the bottomless pit locust, you have to know that the sixth trumpet is going to be a huge letdown. Right. Which was still pretty gruesome. Well, I mean, it starts off like nothing,

right? It's just some Iraqi river drying up. But then God unleashes an army of 200 million soldiers to destroy one third of humanity. Two times 10,000 times 10,000. Yeah. It was probably pretty worrisome, though, before artillery and machine

guns. Well, yeah, I mean, you might think that you can just wipe these horsemen out, but God isn't going to send his soldiers on any old horses. He's going to have them on weird chimeric fire-breathing lion-headed horses with snakes for tails. Yeah, lots of them. You know 10,000? You know 10,000? It's like 10,000 more times that. But then double that.

But then double that. Okay, you guys understand guys it's a lot and so all this stuff happens but apparently the uh the world humanist society still isn't quite sold on the idea of god the locusts did not big problem for a whole bunch of non-christians continue living a normal life without repenting to jesus I guess, except for the huge swaths of the world being destroyed and killed and the stars falling down and whatnot. And if you're thinking to yourself, I wonder if we've reached the end of the really weird shit, I'd like to introduce you to the sun-faced, fire-legged, thunder-voiced angel that greets

us at the beginning of chapter 10. Chapter 10. 10. There 10. 10. There's a dozen more chapters and we've already got this much insanity. Right. Chapter 10. Really, yes, exactly. Right.

But we do get our second biblical scroll force feeding. Oh, yes. Because apparently God orders John to take the scroll out of the thunder angel's hand and eat it, which of course he does. For the second time in the Bible, someone eats a scroll, yes. And does this get explained? No, not at all. But here's what I'm assuming actually happens.

Some other hermit guy on that island of Potmos, let's remember our context here, that dude hears a crazy person screaming about nonsense, so he shows up in John's cave and gives him some Ipecac so he can find out but he's already clearly digested way too much for it to matter and he continues hallucinating for 12 more chapters. Everybody get excited. Oh yes, because I mean people face

horse locusts, scroll eating, talking angels, sword mouth Jesus, and we're not even halfway through this shit, but unfortunately we're going to have to leave you in suspense for that seventh trumpet because that's all the revelations we have time for this week. But if you are worried that we've already been through all of the really crazy shit, have no fear. No, no, no, no. We haven't even gotten to the fire-breathing Jews yet. Or the dragon. No, no.

By the way, when does the United Nations form the army and throw all the Christians into Walmart jail? That's got to be coming soon, right? I am looking forward to that. Somewhere in these last 12 chapters, I guess. So we'll be back to polish off Revelation with a special edition of the Holy Babble next week. And then we'll wrap up the whole fucking book in the final Holy Babble on episode 150. Whew. Before we tie off the ribbon and slap on the bow tonight,

I wanted to thank everybody who tuned in to Dogma Debate's 24-hour broadcast-a-thon. It was a tremendous success. If you recall, David was on last week telling us how they were hoping to raise $40,000 to cover the Secular Student Alliance's funding shortfall for the year. Well, thanks to the generous $50,000 match from the Stiefel Freethought Foundation, they were able to raise over $100,000 in one day. And because you guys and gals are so uncommonly awesome and generous, almost 15% of that came in during our hour, making ours the most successful hour in the fundraiser, unless you count the final hour, which I don't. And I want to say, honestly, I'm amazed by the generosity of our listeners every time I wake up knowing that I get to write dick jokes for a living. But even without all that, if the only thing our show ever accomplished

was raising $14,000 for the SSA in an hour, it would have been worth all the effort. This isn't a testament to me or Heath or Lucinda or Eli. This really is a testament to you, and we are humbled by it. Also, during the fundraiser, Eli offered insults in exchange for donations. Anybody who donated $50 during our hour could send him a picture of somebody that they wanted insulted, and he'd offer up five less-than-flattering assessments of that person's physical appearance. Well, we're still working with the guys at Dogma Debate to figure out who we owe what, but if you can't wait, check the contact page on the website, email me evidence of your donation

along with a pic of who you want insulted and i'll get them to eli post haste anyway that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight we'll be back in 10 022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be on the lookout for a brand new episode of the god awful movies podcast on tuesday at 8 a.m eastern looks like the skeptocrat is not going to make its return until after the first of the year but that's coming very soon as well obviously i can't close the show until i thank heath for exhibiting unparalleled pun abilities across a wide array of bodily excretions. I need to thank the lovely and talented

Lucinda Lusions in advance for getting me a new menorah bong for the holidays. Hint, hint. Or a theremin. Always wanted to learn the theremin. I also want to thank Adam Collins from the Atheists of Facebook online convention, and incidentally, if you're trying to figure out what you're going to do with your Saturday, January 2nd, be sure to check the show notes for links and more information

on how you can attend an atheist convention without ever having to put on pants. But most of all, of course, I need to thank the heathens that keep me breathing, Stanley, Miko, Christopher, Jeff, Matt, David, Sammy, Joe, other David, Steve, Logan, and Robert. Stanley, Miko, Christopher, and Jeff, who have more IQ points than synapses, Matt, David, Sammy, and Joe, whose urethras give the Large Hadron Collider corridor envy, and other David, Steve, Logan, and Robert, whose cocks can be used to demonstrate the Earth's rotation when they're limp

and its curvature when they're hard. Together, these 12 selfless, helpful, hopeful, hopeful heathens helped keep the lights on this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the audacity, tenacity, veracity, vivacity, sagacity, or financial capacity to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash skatingatheist, where you'll earn early Thank you. iTunes, Stitcher, or your podcast rating vehicle of choice. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info

on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. This week's episode of the Skating Atheist is brought to you by Harold Campion's new brand of insecticide for the apocalypse.