The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 149: Apocalypse Later Edition

Episode Date: December 24, 2015

In this week's episode, we meet a group of people so crazy that they're disappointed when their cracker isn't bleeding, Mother Teresa is rewarded for her breakthrough work in posthumous oncology, and Lucinda joins us to finish off the only book of the bible worth reading.  Plus dragons.

Warning, we're not going to go easy on Jesus just because of his birthday. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Persecution Strategy Guide for Atheists at Holiday Time. The art of war on Christmas. Snow thine enemy. And as we've come to learn, it's all about confusion. Appear happy when you're actually merry, and merry when you're actually happy. They hate that. The supreme art of war is to terrify Christians without actually doing anything. So great job, everyone, and happy fucking holidays.

And now, the Scathing Atheist. This is Sharon Bush from the Unbuckling the Bible Belt podcast, and I'd like to report that it did take more than just Sharon Bush to ensure that we evolved from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's December 24th. And literature's most famous rape spawn was fake-born tomorrow. Let us pray.

Or not. I'm no illusions. I'm Heath Enright. And from dreaming of a white trash Christmas, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we'll meet a group of people so crazy that they're disappointed when their cracker isn't bleeding. Mother Teresa is rewarded for her breakthrough in posthumous oncology. And Lucinda will be here to finish off the only book in the Bible worth reading. But first, the diatribe. When I read over last week's diatribe, I knew it was going to create a few misconceptions.

You know, I could have gone back in and added a little tangent here and there to clarify, but it would have fucked up the narrative flow, it would have taken us off topic constantly, and it would have bloated the segment into a dozen minutes of that's not to say's and don't get me wrongs. The point I was making in last week's diatribe is that there is no holiday less in danger of being warred on than Christmas. And in service of that point, I just noted the sheer density of Christmas shit that stood between me and a simple audio purchase. Now, along the way, I made myself out to be something of a Grinch, which is inaccurate. But, you know, like I said, I saw it coming. It would have just taken us too far afield for me to stop and remind everybody that I fucking love me some Christmas or that Christmas is essentially a secular holiday now both of those points are true but they didn't matter to the larger point I was

making so I left those threads untied but I'm coming back for them this week because I want to make it damn clear to everybody that I fucking love me some Christmas and that it's a secular holiday so last things first because I want to be specific about what I mean when I say that Christmas is secular yes legally speaking in the United States, Christmas is considered a secular holiday, but that's just some legislative hocus pocus to make it legal to shut the country down on that day. What? We can't close the post offices for a religious holiday? Well then, presto chango legislato, Christmas is secular. So if anything, the legal designation as a secular holiday is an extension of the same kind of Christian overreach that I was bitching about last week.

But when I say it's secular, I'm talking about the actual cultural celebration. Yes, religious people do religious shit on Christmas, but they do religious shit all the fucking time. The giving of gifts, the use of trees and candles, the Santa mythos, the stockings, the reindeer, the light, the emphasis on charity and goodwill. You know, all the shit that would be required to make the average American think Christmas is not only secular, but it predates Christianity. I mean, not the Santa thing, but variations of it. And sure, some of it's rooted in pagan religions, but even those religions were probably

just codifying existing celebrations. And of course, I have to specify I'm talking about American Christmas because it's primarily a cultural holiday. You go to any part of the Muslim world and you'll largely find a uniform celebration of Ramadan. You go anywhere in the world and the Jews are going to be waving the same fucking leaves and eating the same vagina cookies for their holidays. But across the Christian world, the concept of Christmas can be unrecognizably dissimilar. You know,

even within the English-speaking world where the common cultural ancestor is only a couple hundred years removed and there's been a ton of vertical transfer, there are still distinct cultural differences between the ways that we celebrate Christmas. So sure, there's a potent religious side to Christmas, and it can have the nativity scenes and the Christmas service and about two-thirds of the songs. That's it. The secular end of Christmas gets all the shit that doesn't suck and one-third of the songs. So some of the stuff that does suck, but you know, you still get all the good stuff. Of course, there are people in the atheist world that would vehemently disagree with me here. You know, I know this. I've heard a lot of very cogent arguments about why non-believers

should abandon Christmas, and they might even be right, but I've also heard a lot of really cogent arguments about why I shouldn't eat meat, or why I should get more exercise, or why I should stop selling meth to fourth graders, but that doesn't mean I'm going to do that shit, because Christmas is awesome. Now, the arguments against atheists celebrating Christmas, as near as I understand them, is that it reinforces the cultural dominance of Christianity, you know, especially since their name is right there in the holiday. And I get that. You know, I know these people, you give them a cubit, they take a stadia. So as long as the vast majority of people in this country are putting lights on their houses or saying Merry Christmas or giving gifts or whatever,

they're always going to use that to exaggerate the depth of their majority. And to be fair to the people that are arguing the anti-Christmas side, they're probably right that simply secularizing the holiday into Winterfest is never going to completely ameliorate that problem. You know, emphasizing snowflakes and candles over mangers and wise men, or even over elves and reindeer, probably won't mitigate the kind of overreach that leaves Christians unable to distinguish the quantitative difference between us protesting a nativity scene on a courthouse lawn and protesting the one in their front yard.

But there is another way to tackle the problem that doesn't require us to give up anything. In fact, with all due respect to the atheists in the anti-Christmas camp, it seems to me like they're asking us to drain the ocean when we could just caulk the boat. I mean, think about it. What religious holidays do you celebrate? Odds are that if you're listening to this show,

it's going to be the Christian ones. You know, Christmas, Halloween, Easter to some degree. And yes, those are all like Christian to varying degrees, secular to varying degrees, but I don't want to get bogged down in all of that. So for the purposes of this discussion, they're Christian. I mean, they're not Jewish or Hindu, but why not Jewish holidays? Why not Hindu holidays? I mean, we're atheists. We can take whatever holidays we want to whatever degree we want. Sure, most of the Jewish holidays suck, but if you're only looking at the religious parts, all of the holidays suck. Look, the idea of atoning for all the shit you did wrong over a year, that's a pretty cool idea, setting aside a day for that. I mean, we don't have to call them sins, but I like that.

You know, whatever, they celebrate Purim by reading Esther and eating vagina-based cookies. Sounds boring, yes, but if you secularize it, you leave out the Bible and the cookies and just celebrate by eating vagina, that is an awesome fucking holiday. And you can make cookies for the kids or whatever. I mean, shit, if you secularize the Jahannam out of it, you could probably even make Ramadan fun. But there are plenty of religious holidays out there that wouldn't need much work at all. I mean, a ton of the Hindu festivals have kites. We don't have any kite holidays. Why the fuck not?

How awesome would that be if we just had a day where we all got together and flew kites? Or what about Holi, the Hindu festival of colors? Yeah, how awesome would it be if our culture started to adopt that one and decorated for it as ubiquitously as we decorate for Christmas? Huh? Or you know what? If I'm not mistaken, all of the major neo-pagan holidays come with fucking. That's good. The point is being an atheist doesn't have to mean giving up on anything but the superstition. The holidays should be like everything else. When you give up on God, it's all gain, no loss. They're talking about your Jesus.

We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is prolific baby Jesus thief Heath Enright. Heath, have you satisfied your proclivity for nativity captivity activity? All right, well, if they wanted the baby Jesus to stay put, they obviously should have nailed him down. That's just basic knowledge. Watch out. In our lead story tonight, from the Syllabuster file,

Floridian lawyer and concerned parent Barry Silver filed a lawsuit against the Palm Beach County School District last week for failing to properly teach true things at his son's elementary school. For being liars. For lying. Suing them for negligent, big fat lying by omission. Specifically, big fat omitting about religion's role in the September 11th attacks. And also big fat omitting about religion's role in the September 11th attacks. And also big fat omitting about evolution's role in evolution. I gotta say, I like where we're going with this, President.

Alex Jones sniffed out the whole Jade Helm thing, but if we can sue a state for failing to make people unstupid, we can bankrupt Texas out of existence altogether. It'd be easier than the military shit anyway. Okay, so first the 9-11 thing. By all together. It'd be easier than the military shit anyway. Okay, so first the 9-11 thing. By all means. Silver alleges that the school's social studies curriculum teaches that the attacks of September 11th must have been unrelated to Islam because the Quran tells Muslims to be peaceful. Oh! With nothing mentioned about how it also tells Muslims to be violent.

More often. In other sections. Yeah. And nothing about how the 9-11 attackers were pretty big on those other sections. I like to recite them, yes. So, yeah, it sounds like a valid complaint about, you know, society's inability to realize that we can criticize ideas without criticizing people. But I would have liked to see Silver offer a similar critique of, you critique of Judaism or Christianity in the complaint, which he did not. Nothing about how the history classes failed to point out that the Bible was used to

justify centuries of slavery and centuries of misogyny, that sort of thing. But I mean, in his defense, I'm sure there's nothing in the history books about the Bible not being used to justify, you know, he probably doesn't specifically say, it definitely wasn't the Bible. Although, you know what, there's probably a whole lot of shit about religion's role in abolitionism. Yes, there is. Exactly. I guess that's a pretty valid point.

So, yeah. Points off, dude. It's a good try, but points off. Yeah. So, now the evolution thing. Apparently, Mr. Silver looked at a science textbook his son brought home, and the section regarding the origins of species never once used terms like evolution or natural selection, and also completely failed to mention Charles Darwin,

who was kind of a big deal with all that stuff. So that was part of the lawsuit as well. And in response to the complaint, a spokesperson for the state's Department of Education released a statement claiming that Florida's curriculum doesn't require a section on evolution until after elementary school, which might be true,

but I'm not sure how that functions as an excuse for teaching the younger kids badly in the meantime. We don't teach World War II until high school, so in Florida we do Holocaust denial when the kids are younger. It is rock and roll for fun. Diversity of opinions.

Not the best argument to be working with. No, not quite. And in putting the caliph in calligraphy news tonight, rednecky Trump-loving fucktard parents in Virginia are in an uproar after a recent geography lesson forced students to swear allegiance to the wrong Jesus. The admittedly wrong-headed assignment asked students to copy down a phrase in Arabic calligraphy, which, when translated, asserts that Allah is God

and Muhammad is his prophet. And while the translation itself never appeared on the assignment anywhere, it was still plenty enough to make local parents projectile defecate with anger all over the place. Okay, so, yes, that was a really stupid oversight

by the teacher. Granted. This is a pretty simple solution here. Just have all the non-Muslim kids draw the little squiggly not sign from Formalogic in front of them. There you go. Or he looks nice and calligraphy-ish. It's problem solved, no? Yeah, yeah.

Would have been both easier and more productive, but no. Instead, angry parents met with both the teacher's and Riverhead High School superintendent, where the teacher apologized and admitted that she hadn't bothered to check the translation. And that's probably where the story would have ended if it hadn't fallen into the hands of professional persecution fetish dominatrix Todd Starnes, who encouraged his misinformed readers to call the school to register their outrage over this imaginary slate. And apparently he generated a high enough call volume that schools in the district were forced to shut down since emergency calls couldn't get through otherwise. Wonderful. They filibustered learning. Well done, guys.

Ted Cruz masturbated furiously. Clearly. Also, by the way, on the news report, the parent spearheading this exaggeration shows the assignment to the reporter complete with her kid's effort at copying over the calligraphy and holy shit that's a fucking dumb kid i mean this was a high schooler i thought it was like third grader or whatever when i said it looked like ronald reagan's signature towards the end you know if i was her i'd be less worried about islamic indoctrination and more worried about my kid's inability to draw a straight line without looking like he gave an epileptic an etch-a-sketch. Fuck, dude. Get some motor coordination. And in your mom's happy holiday news tonight,

Texas Agriculture Commissioner Sid Miller is fucking outraged at all the people that keep wishing him a happy holidays this year. As far as he's concerned, there can be only one and that one is fucking Christmas. Damn it. And it's supposed to be goddamn merry. And he's so offended by this use of synonyms

and general terms that he went on Facebook to announce publicly that the only solution to this rampant persecution of Christians might just be physical violence. That's always the solution

because nothing says Merry Christmas like physical violence directed at people wishing you well. I mean, except for the exact opposite. But to be fair, like a bad will towards men anti-Christmas would be okay with me, especially if we celebrated it by slapping people that say dumb shit, right? I mean, even if other celebrants misidentified dumb shit and occasionally you had to get slapped for saying happy holidays, I'd be with far less dangerous than the bible yeah so according to his post from last week which already has more than 10 000 likes quote if one more person says

happy holidays to me i might just slap them either tell me merry christmas or just don't say anything end quote and he didn't mention this part but one can only assume that Mr. Miller and his entire family, I'm guessing, were recently sodomized by a menorah simultaneously. Being forced to scream, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Hanukkah over and over and over. Yes, of course. In which case, I mean, he's still insane and gets into really weird situations with his family, but it makes a little bit more sense. I bet that in Arabic cartoons, that's what they say Jews do. But I got to tell you what I'm going to do now to counteract this is I'm going to go on Facebook and threaten to like do that to Texans if they tell me Merry Christmas or say nothing. Right.

So you might get slapped by this guy, but might get anally Hanukkah'd by me. You choose wisely you Texans. You be careful. So Mr. Miller is far from the only Christian lunatic

complaining about the existence of non-Jesus things that happen during the final 31 days of the year. Right. And I'm curious

as to what the fuck these people are talking about. In what universe are Christians in the United States being oppressed by non-Christmas stuff? If I have to hear one more secular fucking song in December, I'm going to assault a Jew. I have no other record. What the fuck is wrong with you people?

Unbelievable. So in closing, I'd like to wish Mr. Miller a warm, happy holidays. Bitch. And let him know I'll be in Valdosta, Georgia if he'd like to come try and slap me. Or if he wants to be, you know, dreidel raped. And in Miracle on Dirty Fourth Street news tonight, Vatican investigators looking to a possible miracle in their Salt Lake City diocese were forced to admit that for the all of them thin arrow, this one turned out to also not be God. That's about right. The hubbub began last month when a communion wafer showed up with an odd red stain on it,

leading parishioners to conclude, of course, that it was bleeding. That's right. Curious stain on a cracker. First thought. They go straight to divine Jesus blood. Step one, first hypothesis. Well, that's just stupid, obviously. Everybody knows the science behind transubstantiation at this point, and that is not how it works.

Come on. Cannibal cuisine is very clear on this. Idiots. Dumbasses. Okay, so before we get to the big reveal, I want to put you, the listener, in the shoes of the priesthood here. So imagine that you have, let's say, a bread product that is poorly stored for a long period of time in your home or place of employment. Now, you open it up, and you see an unusual coloration on said long-st a bread product that is poorly stored for a long period of time in your home or place of employment.

Now, you open it up and you see an unusual coloration on said long stored bread product. What's your first thought? Save your blood, of course. But it turned out to be mold, just like it was when they investigated the same shit happening in Minnesota in 2011 and Illinois last year. Yeah. I mean, if it turned green, would they have assumed there was like the blood of Slimer on the day these communion waivers look kind of pinkish i think i should throw out these pink ones no no that's just goes to the gozerian psycho-magnetheric slime flows they'll keep they'll keep it oh well hopeful miracle hunting catholics were forced to contend with two equally

disturbing conclusions at the end of this one the The first is, of course, once again, that God doesn't exist. But the second and far more impactful is that those motherfuckers have been feeding them moldy crackers and didn't even know it, you know? Right. But now I would contend, though, that the more disturbing conclusion would have come if this did, in fact, turn out to be a divinely bleeding wafer

because that would mean that there is a God and he's doing party tricks in Salt Lake City that would make a birthday clown roll God and he's doing party tricks in Salt Lake City that would make a birthday clown roll their eyes instead of gearing all the AIDS babies. Those are his priorities. And speaking of which, why the fuck I gave myself the assignment

of trying to segue straight from AIDS babies to my wife, I'll never know. So sans transition, we'll take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right?

Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man. This week in Massage. Is it just me or are the Republicans just trying to get all the war on women shit out of their system before the election year? I mean, after the shellacking they took in the 2012 election, it seemed like the party started to wake up to the 51% of the electorate that doesn't bring a penis to the voting year. I mean, after the shellacking they took in the 2012 election, it seemed like the party started to wake up to the 51% of the electorate that doesn't bring a penis to the

voting booth. Not so much that they weren't actually updating the policy positions, but at least enough for them to back the fuck off and pick on Mexicans instead. But they clearly couldn't hold it in forever, and it broke through this year like a premature ejaculation. And when it did, the GOP had morphed into something that's somehow even more paternalistic. Take a look at Texas. Just a couple days ago, Texas health officials announced they'd be cutting funding to a Planned Parenthood affiliate for an HIV prevention program. That's right. They're so desperate to be seen as anti Planned Parenthood that they're willing to be pro-AIDS if that's what it takes. And sure, they could give the grant to another health care provider that would then have to

rebuild 27 years worth of infrastructure from the ground up, but they haven't announced any plans to do so. The important thing was taking the money away from Planned Parenthood. What they'll do about the thousand HIV patients that still need help? Eh, they'll maybe get to that later. But it's not just the southern states losing their shit over this. I saw a story this week about a legislature in Ohio who's pushing a bill to force burial or cremation of all aborted fetuses. And miscarried ones, too, because suddenly that also matters. Even if it means that expectant parents would have to scoop their miscarried fetuses out of the toilet in liquid chunks for the purpose of burial.

So yes, they're trying to hide all the baby parts so those evil scientists won't turn them into baby Frankenstein armies or whatever they think science does with them. But I digress because I'm sure I could tack on 20 more news items about this egregious shit, but if I did, I wouldn't have room left for my arch nemesis, and I'll be damned if I'm going to wrap up 2015 without talking about the anti-Lucinda herself, Andrea Tantoros. She hasn't come up for a while, but not even Agent Smith from the Matrix could keep her from saying dumb shit any longer than this. And we were reminded of that on Tuesday, when Fox's news boob-in-chief reminded viewers that the only way American men could really get their balls back was by supporting Donald Trump. It started when she was asked about Trump's recent comments about Hillary getting schlonged by Obama and doing something disgusting in the bathroom during the Democratic debate. When Tantoris was asked if that kind of sexism was going to hurt Trump in the polls, Tantoris explained that we'd move beyond the point where the words people say about things matter, which as absurd as that

sounds, is certainly backed up by Trump's continued popularity. But then her response got truly crazy when she explained that the sexist comments would actually hurt Clinton, since men in this country are sick of being pussified by the left. She then described Trump as, quote, men's last hope to get their masculinity back, end quote. So Trump voters are a bunch of limp dick pussies who can only get hard by listening to pompous assholes belittle minorities. Who would have thought me and Andrea Tantoris would end the year in agreement on something? And with that rare confluence, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. And in a site for dinosaur eyes news tonight, full-time hate monger, part-time Dennis the Menace antagonist, and American Family Association's resident polymath

Brian Fisher demonstrated his mastery of yet another academic field on his radio program this week. Now, already in 2015, BFish has explained sociology, Islam is the Ebola virus of culture, evolutionary biology, conspiracy made up by the gay homos, geography, they're going to have gay whopper rappers in Des Moines, Iowa,

and particle physics, Jesus is the weak nuclear force. So this week, he turned his prodigious gray matter to the field of paleontology and explained that dinosaurs were really just run-of-the-mill thousand-year-old lizards. Normal. Okay, I'm a little confused. So I guess some scientist told Brian Fisher that we have fossils of dinosaurs that predate Genesis by hundreds of millions of years.

And his response was uh no no those are those are just really old lizards was he having an episode what just got reconciled even if he said 200 million year old lizards that's still nothing right and they were birds not lizards so he's even wronger but yeah allow me to walk you through his logic because it's fucking spectacular so as we know from the infallible record keeping of bronze age pre-jews before the flood people routinely lived to be upward of 900 years old so if we assume that that absurd pre-diluvian lifespan carries across the species and really why would we not assume that then you need to look no further than salamanders which continue

to grow throughout their lives to see how a normal lizard could grow to dinosaur size back then so dinosaurs are just salamanders they got really big and turned into brontosauruses and shit along the way okay well maybe creationism is uh accurate that's a good point. And in controlling the birth of a nation news tonight, during an interview on the Christian Worldview radio show last week, a guy named Albert Moeller, who's president of the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, announced that he managed to uncover an important secular conspiracy. Damn it. And our entire plot may unravel as a result.

Double dress. No good. Mr. Miller seems to have realized that Margaret Sanger's push to provide birth control in the early 1900s was merely phase one of our sinister atheist plot to dismantle Christianity by eventually allowing same-sex marriage a century later. What? Yeah. So I'm not accusing anyone personally, but clearly this got leaked from the inside. We had the long con going perfectly.

Very long. There's no way he just put that together. Those dots he just connected were birth control and gay couples. Nobody's that smart. Nobody is that smart. Again, leaked from the inside just like I warned him. How many times do I have to tell these people? Our secret contraception plans need a reservoir tip.

Duh. Just in case anybody missed the secular conspiracy meeting about this, the secret plot I'm referring to is the one where we outlaw Christianity and throw them all in jail. Obviously, yeah. So far it's been going great, as many of us know. Just to review, phase one, the birth control movement from 100 years ago, check. Phase two, sterile hippies, check.

Phase three, profit in the form of tax benefits for gay spouses, almost check. Almost, yeah. So now that we've got the Obergefell decision In the books All we need to do Is get those tax benefits Happening in every state And then have the gays Write us that big check And then we'll use it

To buy off the police And have them arrest 260 million people 83% of the population But now that Albert Moeller Has been going around Shooting his mouth off It's going to be a lot harder

To pull the trigger On this thing So we're going to need To retool the whole plan. Don't miss the next meeting. And we would have got away with it if it wasn't for those meddling Baptists. And in Autistic Liberties news tonight, a part-time bus driver and full-time gangrenous carbuncle in Miffletown, Pennsylvania is under investigation after allegedly telling a student that she would be pelted in hell with fireballs for eternity if she wasn't a Christian.

And here you are already getting pissed off before I mentioned that the kid was autistic. Or five years old. Wow. No shit. That's going to be a depressing HR conversation with this driver. Yeah, so this is new territory for me. I've been doing this HR thing for a while. But you're not qualified to be a part-time bus driver in Pennsylvania.

Yeah, so sorry. This is embarrassing. We don't have anything for you. Lower. This is embarrassing for you. So according to a press release from the FFRF, a parent reported to them that their five-year-old daughter was targeted by a proselytizing fear monger who explained that people who don't believe in god go to hell where they're shot with fireballs now setting aside for a moment this bus driver has clearly mistaken hell for bowser's castle the fact that this taint infection targeted a disabled child for evangelism is in the words of ffrf staff attorney elizabeth cavell

quote a predatory and outrageous abuse of her position, end quote. To say the fucking least. So the district has temporarily reassigned the bus driver until the investigation is complete. The driver herself could not be reached for comment as she was busy yelling fire at a classroom full of blind kids. She's a horrible, horrible bitch is what I'm saying, allegedly. And finally tonight, from the Beat Club file, according to the first two rules, we shouldn't even be talking about this. No. But the Vatican announced last week that charitable sadist and live-action old guy from the movie Up, Mother Teresa, will become a saint following the verification of her second miracle by Pope Frank the Tank. As most people know, the Catholic missionary nun spent nearly five decades trying to care for poor and sick people through the work of her aid organization called Missionaries of Charity.

And there's definitely some good stuff going on in there, in theory. However, in practice, according to several investigations into the charity's finances and official policies, the group is likely guilty of a decent amount of fraud and also responsible for large amounts of unnecessary pain and suffering. In related news, Christopher Hitchens was one of those investigators and will not be getting canonized. Which is weird, because as I understand it, the two did express similar levels of God belief at the end of their lives. So fuck them.

By the powers vested in me by the League of Sinister Secularists, I now pronounce him Saint Hitch, the patron saint of telling someone to fuck themselves with so much gravitas that they don't even realize you were insulting them until they're midway through fucking themselves. Which, by the way, is the only thing I would do if I had Jedi powers, right? Fuck you. I'd just be walking down the street just waving like the goddamn Queen of England. Just fuck you.

Fuck you. Go fuck yourself. Go fucking duck. Butt fuck a monkey. That'd be a tough one. That'd be a tough assignment. Jedi assignment there. Anyway, I'm sorry.

We were talking about that bitch Mother Teresa. My bad. All right, so here's a quick review of some true things about Mother Teresa and her charity. Let's start with how they actively stood in the way of people learning how to use condoms in areas being plagued by overpopulation, poverty, and the spread of STDs. Granted, they also tried to provide care for AIDS patients, but they did it badly. And it's uncurable, yeah. Again, they caused a bunch of the AIDS, so it's not great.

Exactly. So even if their HIV carbon footprint was zero, that's not exactly a good thing. And it was not zero. Yeah, right. And it wasn't. And you shouldn't be trading around AIDS credits. That's weird.

Right. Yeah, exactly. Being ahead on AIDS credits is not what people mean by HIV positive. A lot of Catholic charities don't know that, apparently. And moving on to a few more highlights. Please. Thanks to her fucked up Catholic version of morality, Mother Teresa believed that poverty was good for the world. According to Hitch's book, actually, entitled The Missionary Position, awesome title, here's what she had to say on the subject.

Quote, I think it's very beautiful for the poor to accept their lot to share it with the passion of christ i think the world is being much helped by the suffering of the poor people well they can't multiply fish bullshit this might help explain why her facilities routinely denied painkillers to suffering patients because you know you can't appreciate jesus being crucified if you're all hopped up on tylenol yeah i'd say by far the worst thing that was done by her fucking charity and if you need any more convincing that she was a horrible bitch i should probably point out that a cynical atheist podcast host can go through a highlight of her horrible bitchery without even mentioning her policy of reusing hypodermic needles and rubber gloves even when sanitary ones were

available wash them in warm water because you, medical waste not want not, I guess. So before we close it out, let's take a quick look at her two so-called miracles. Did she make a cracker bleed? Neither of which happened while she was a living human being on Earth. No, that wouldn't count anyway. So the first one was confirmed by Pope John Paul II in 2003 after he decided that an Indian woman's abdominal tumor was cured by a combination of Mother Teresa's photo and also nine months of treatments by oncologists. So she gets a half sack. Yeah. And then most recently, she was credited with vaguely healing a vaguely identified Brazilian

man for a vaguely identified malady. That's about it, yeah. And as convincing as these may sound, I'm thinking she's going to need a good publicist to push through this whole canonization thing all the way. And that's why we're here. Let's go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock. PR slogans for Mother Teresa's sainthood campaign. Go.

All right. I love it. Mother Teresa floats like a Calcutta fly, stings like a bee attitude. That's good shit, actually. What about Mother Teresa? Poor people deserve it, so my facilities try not to interfere very much with that.

Mother Teresa, if you can't stand the pain, get out of the hospital. Mother Teresa and the missionaries of charity curing white guilt and nothing else since 1950. Mother Teresa and the missionaries of charity jesus died for your sins now he's back to collect mother theresa spreading aids worse than charlie

sheen and then caring for the victims just like god intended when he invented aids yep uh mother theresa and the missionaries of. Let our staff give you staff. Because they did that a lot. Yeah, a lot. Horrible facilities. How about Mama T and the Missionaries of Charity? Even on your birthday, we still don't do anal. Jesus.

Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter how many. Either or. Either or. Not a special occasion. Don't care. Mother Teresa and the Missionaries of Charity.

First aid, but AIDS first. All right. One more. Mother Teresa, I look like Smeagol in drag. Put me on a stamp. It's time to put me on a stamp. I look like Gollum in a sari. Put me on a stamp.

She does. Now that Lord of the Rings is officially ruined for me, I guess we can close the headlines out for the night. Heath, thanks as always. Dreidel! And when we come back, Lucinda will rejoin us for the craziest dozen chapters in the history of literature. Excuse me, innkeep.

I need a room for the night. Sorry, buddy. All full up. Really? Yeah, yeah. Everybody's in town for the census. I mean, you heard? Are you sure?

What do you mean, am I sure? There's no keys on the hooks, so yeah. Okay, I mean, it's just, you know, it just seems weird that people would go elsewhere for a sentence. I mean, the whole point of a census is to know where people are not where they were or whether yeah father's fathers were right yeah no the same thing occurred to me but you know fuck it it's good for business so i'm happy yeah all right so nothing at all huh nope nope all booked up. Sorry. Shit. Because like my fiance is, you know, really pregnant.

I'm sorry. Fiance? She's awful pregnant for a fiance. You know what? Back off, dude. She got raped, okay? Oh, sorry. By God.

What? It's a long story. That she told you anyway. I'm sorry? Should be. What? What? Nothing.

What? Okay. So anyway. I thought you said something. I've got like a nine-month pregnant pregnant chick here we've got nowhere to stay so i mean if there's yeah um you knew that when you left though didn't you i mean this this wasn't a nine month trip bro didn't think to maybe make a reservation ahead or something yeah i know i i should have but i mean do you guys at least have maybe a barn or something that we could sleep in what

i'm sorry a barn is that you know like we're like a building where you keep the animals yeah no i i know what a barn is i'm just trying to figure out why you'd be looking for a way to sleep extra close to a bunch of animals in their shit it's just a weird give me a break dude we gotta sleep somewhere but not in animal shit necessarily necessarily. Dude, come on. Look, it's December in Bethlehem. We're talking, what, 50 degrees for the overnight low? You'd throw up a tent or something, right? Yeah, I probably should have brought a tent or something, too.

And nine months pregnant? She's going to have to piss every eight minutes. I don't want her pissing all over my barn. Oh, give me a break, man. It's not like she isn't housebroken. All right, fine. But if she pops while she's in there, you better clean up that afterbirth before the goats get to it. I'm not.

That's just. Yeah, yeah. You're telling me. They won't shit right for a week. It is very gross. All right, well, in that instance, I promise I'll clean it up. And also don't fuck any of my animals. What?

Why would you even bring that up? It's a pretty serious problem around here. Really? Yeah. Jugod had room for 613 rules in his guidebook, and two of them are about fucking animals. Clearly, it's a problem around here. Okay. All right.

So clean up the afterbirth. Don't piss on the hay. Don't fuck the animals. Anything else? Yeah, if three guys show up claiming to be wise men, that's a scam. Don't buy anything from them, don't sell anything

to them. If they offer you myrrh, it's probably just oregano and glue. I mean, still might want to smoke it, depending on the glue, but it's a crapshoot. So just be aware. Thanks for the warning. Oh, hey, before you go, not for nothing, about two-thirds

of sexual assault goes unreported. And this guy sounds like a repeat offender, so, you know, food for thought. The Holy Babble. Last week we opened up part one of our Revelation Babble with the first ten chapters wherein we met Swordmouth Jesus, Dead Baby Lamb Jesus, Orange Rock God, Pillar-Legged Sun-Faced Angel, and of course the People-Faced Horse Locusts. But strap in, because this week's shit's going to get weird.

Don't worry, they ramp it up. If you thought the first half of this book was insane, you were balls-on accurate in your assessment, but it's moderate schizophrenia that can be controlled with moderate medication compared to this week's full-blown, keep-to-the-right, slinging jizz on Clarice Starling psychopathy. Right, so we went from Greek Hermit on mushrooms to Michael Bay on acid, and now it is full-blown Hunter S. Thompson. Oh, yes.

At this point, I think it's safe to assume that John's cave there had, at the very least, two bags of grass, 75 pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-power bladder acid, a salt shaker full of cocaine, and all that other shit in the back of Raoul Duke's car. Yeah, right, right. But obviously, we can't get our revel on until we welcome back

in the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions. Lucinda, welcome back. You know, I honestly thought you were just fucking with me when you said that the last half was even crazier than the first half. Right? Nope. And I bet a lot of our listeners thought the same thing. So let's disabuse them of that notion, shall we?

Okay, but first we get the odd jobs portion of the apocalypse, wherein John plays the part of Bob Vila, because apparently God wanted everyone to know how big his temple was. Why the fuck do the angels always want prophets to measure shit? Clearly God is compensating for something. Right. Probably why he wants all men to lop a little of their dicks off, too. Makes sense.

And if you don't listen to us on God Awful Movies with Eli, you don't know how many cinematic apocalypses we've been through at this point. But if you have, you have to know that I was dying for this book to get to the fucking fire-breathing Jews already. And we get them in chapter 11. Yeah, this is where we meet

the two old Jewish men who stand next to a wall for 1260 days just saying stuff that's going to happen. Yes. And if anyone tries to interrupt their

prophecy radio marathon, they kill them by, again, yes, spitting fireballs. They got the flower. You first get the mushroom, then you get the flower. Yeah.

Makes sense. Well, they also protect God's two favorite olive trees and lampstands. Oh, there's that. Yeah, exactly. That's important. And to make sure nobody fucks with them, he made them knife-proof and he gave them dragon

breath. The aforementioned dragon. Oh, also, they have aqua kinesis and unlimited plague powers. They don't even have to refill their bar. Yeah, right. They also get a few superpowers. They're allowed to prevent rain turn water into blood and also plague stuff yes which apparently they do because nobody likes these guys yeah right

little surprise then that when they're ultimately killed by the beast from the locust pit everybody parties like it's 1666 yeah so the beast of the bottomless pit remember from earlier there's a bottomless pit with a demon the beast of the pit who pit, remember from earlier there's a bottomless pit with a demon. The beast of the pit, who may or may not be the UN Secretary General at this point, he kills the Jewish guys. Right, but first we have to up the ante from fire-breathing Jews to fire-breathing zombie Jews. Yes. So the Jews come back to life. Right, and then they float back to heaven and God kills 7,000 people with an earthquake so that all the people he didn't kill will start worshipping

him. Right, so the murder celebration gets cut off three and a half days later when the dead Jewish guys get resurrected. They fly up to heaven and they decimate Jerusalem with an earthquake. And I can't stress this enough,

we're just going to be saying things that happen in the Bible. It did not add anything to the narrative just now. All that stuff happened in your God book. We didn't add anything. Then we finally get that seventh trumpet we've been waiting for for a whole week, but before you get to find out what it does,

we get another musical interlude from all of God's sycophants. Yeah, and then the Ark of the Covenant appears, the Temple of Heaven opens, lightning shoots out every which way, and there's another earthquake, and there's some hail. And keep in mind, all those things we just said, they happen in the

course of about ten sentences. In addition to all those other drugs, there was definitely a whole bunch of crack. He's just yelling out things from fantasy novels as fast as he can at this point. Then there's warlocks and the goat beast kills them with an axe

and there's two statues from the NeverEnding Story shoot. Lazy people, right? Fucking dragons and earth. Okay, okay, relax. We're going to get to the dragons. It fits the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy into one chapter. Right?

And then we get to chapter 12, where we discover that against all odds, even weirder is an actual direction you can still take. Right. Okay. So we meet two new characters here. One is a naked pregnant chick, or a pregnant chick wearing plasma, if it's one or the other, who is standing on the moon giving birth. The other character, of course,

drumroll please, is the much-awaited seven-headed ten-horned red dragon. Flies and eats people, too, I think. Chapter 12 starts out with, I guess, an interesting new genre of porn that I hadn't yet considered. Not sure what to call it. You guys tell me. So a pregnant lady appears in the sky, and she's wearing nothing but sunlight, like you said. Because that's possible.

And she gives birth on the world-sized Jumbotron, for everyone watching. And this is happening. sized jumbotron. And this is happening. A, uh, an enormous red dragon shows up as they want to do. It has seven heads by the way,

of course. And it tries to eat the baby as it comes out of the sky woman's sky vagina. And just when the seven dragon heads are about to eat a baby on live national television, Just when the seven dragon heads are about to eat a baby on live national television, God snatches the baby up into heaven and the mom runs away into the woods screaming in horror as you would do in that situation. So what do we use? Demon dragon abortion BBW. Is that a good name?

Did you guys watch that? I'd click on that. No, but I'm sure Eli could refer you to a site. I would not. So then Satan, who is the dragon apparently, busts into heaven and starts warring with the angels. But him and his demons lose and get chucked back down to earth. Yeah.

Right. So against all odds, it actually gets better. The sky porn. And so we have a whole plot line. It's a whole plot line. It's very exciting. So Satan starts chasing the woman whose baby he was just trying to eat in the form of the seven-handed dragon. But she's pretty fast because she's got the wings of a large eagle. Forgot to mention that.

Of course. The pregnant lady is a half eagle. Why not? lady is a half eagle. Why not? She starts flying away with her eagle wings and Satan decides to create a big flooding river to catch the eagle woman, which makes

no fucking sense because she's flying. And also he's a fucking magical dragon at this point, so he probably flies too. Apparently all that's irrelevant. And so is the river because then the earth opens up and swallows all the water that wasn't going to matter anyway. Again, all that in about 10 sentences.

Right. We're not just like highlighting the crazy shit. Everything that happens in this book is exactly that crazy. It's just one long string of crazy from start to finish. And as though the Bible was just trying to back you up on that, we get chapter 13. Right, yes. Yeah, we do. So, um, Dragon Satan is standing next to the

ocean, and Kraken, with seven heads also, pops out of the water. Sure, why not? Yeah, I think that's what happened. And they have a little meat cute, and there are 14 heads all bumping together. Oh, I was bending over for another thing.

And by the way, in case you were wondering, the Kraken looks like a leopard. Yeah. But with not only a leopard, the feet of a grizzly bear, in case you were wondering, and the mouth of a lion. A mouth. Just a mouth. Yeah, just a mouth. Otherwise, though the mouth of a lion. Just a mouth. Otherwise, though, a normal seven-headed kraken leopard.

On each of its heads, there's a naughty word, it says. Presumably, I have to guess, shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tit. Yeah, obviously. I read that as the dragon having Tourette's, but that makes a lot more sense. Yes, yes. Now it all makes sense. Helmet maker has Tourette's, but that makes a lot more sense. Yes, yes.

Now it all makes sense. Helmet maker has Tourette's at least. Anyway. But we're so far from done because now we get a second beast rising from the sea. Yeah. And if you're thinking, I wonder if this one will look like a psychotic four-year-old stitched together random animal corpses, congratulations. You've learned the correct shit to wonder about in this book. Reasonable thing to wonder. Right. You've learned the correct shit to wonder about in this book.

At this point, he's just running out of shit to say because he says of this particular creature, it had two horns like a lamb and it spoke like a dragon. How the fuck does a dragon speak? What's that even supposed to mean? It had the wings of a crocodile and the horns of a marshmallow. Fuck off, dude.

And if I'm reading this correctly, this second beast is basically the first beast's hype man. I guess, yeah. The second beast pops out of the ground and starts running a really effective PR campaign for the Kraken beast.

And this includes banning all the Christians from the market economy back then by requiring that all transactions occur only between people with Satan's 666 barcode branded on their face or their right hand. Right. And then we get yet another Jesus. Right. So we've had sword mouth Jesus, dead mutant lamb Jesus, and moon baby Jesus. But now we get sickle wielding Jesus.

And he's badass. Very exciting. Who comes riding in on a cloud and starts hacking people to death with his sickle. Prince of peace my ass, y'all. Right. Anyway, and then the angels show up with their sickles and they put all the dead people in a wine press and stomp on them until, quote, quote, people in a wine press and stomp on them until, quote, quote, blood flowed from the wine press as high as the horse's bridle for a distance of about 200 miles.

So fucking exact. End quote. Yes. Seven angels. They fly over the earth carrying seven bowls of plague, much like you would carry cereal while flying, I've got to imagine. And nobody's allowed to go inside the big temple, which is actually a mosque right now, not a

big deal, until they finish those seven cereal plagues or whatever they're about to do. Yeah, exactly. And the angels receive their seven bowls and say, you know, are you sure? Because I feel like we're driving the seven somethings of the apocalypse thing into the ground. Right, we've got seven seals and trumpets.

Come on, man, think of something new, at least a different number. And also, this temper tantrum isn't over yet. Are you fucking kidding me? People fucked each other in the butt and didn't love your son enough, so they get locusts and dragons and boils and plagues and fire-breathing Jews and dragons and hellfire

and blood rivers and star storms, plus you got seven bowls, you fucking petulant narcissist. Right. So one by one, we get the bowls now. The first one gives all the bad guys boils. Which is a nice way of saying herpes. Not that nice, but yeah. The second one makes every living thing in the sea die. Again, I guess.

Yeah. The ocean turns into blood, but I guess whatever was left after those other fractional ocean bloodings from before. The remaining seven-ninths get turned into blood. Or whatever, yeah. And the third one

turned all the rivers and springs into blood again. Again, yes. They're completely out of ideas here. The mushrooms are wearing off at this point and he's out of ideas. Clearly. Yeah. And obviously, he wasn't even paying a lick of attention to himself, because the fourth one makes the sun burn everybody.

Now, the sun has already gone out, disappeared, fallen to the earth, and had a third of itself disappear in that order. And now it's burning us. But y'all, the fifth bowl is a new one. It apparently makes everybody bite their tongue. Or something, yeah. Yeah, which, I don't know,

somehow that seems worse to me than the scorpion locust at least. It's so fucking annoying. I get so mad when I eat it. Right, right. I punch myself in the face for like two damn days. And it hurts like a bitch.

Yeah. Now, okay, the sixth bowl is hardly worth mentioning. The Euphrates River dries up, which, I mean, it already did earlier, and it was already blood before that anyway. But the important bit here is that after the sixth wrath bowl is dumped out, the dragon, Satan, vomits out three evil frogs. Yes, he does. This is the sixth bowl of plague, remember?

And Plague Angel number six decides he's going to, like you said, dry up the Euphrates River. Somebody yells, I already did that. Nobody cares. So Angel just starts making shit up. Fine. I knew it was. I was testing you guys. The real Plague number six.

The real Plague number six. Remember that baby-eating dragon from before? Well, it vomits out three demons. Just regular... No, not just regular... No, not just regular ones. Three frog demons

who gather up all the evil people to have a big war. Yeah, because of evil frogs. Not just making things up. Dragon-vomited frogs. Not just making things up. Dragon vomited frogs. People believe this. I mean, human beings without brain damage look at this book and think,

you know, man, I guess, I'm sure glad I'm going to get raptured before Satan pukes up those evil army frogs. I wouldn't want to write around for that. Those poor fuckers. And then we get the seventh bowl. Oh. So.

Yeah, okay. The city, Jerusalem, I'm assuming, gets split into three neighborhoods. Not particularly scary. Babylon gets a cup of really bad gas station wine. Still not very final. Oh, you don't like that? I've got to change my Christmas wish. Chateau Diane for me. And then God, he's clearly pissed because the finale's clear dud.

And he realizes that he's just badly paced the whole thing. So he destroys all the mountains and the islands. Already did that. Fuck, fuck, fine, fine. 100-pound hailstorm Deal with that 100 pound pieces of hail Yeah

Why didn't anyone bring this up In the meeting yesterday Like an idiot In front of all the people I also want to point out That it says After each of the bowls And the people were pissed off

At God and cursed his name Right Which is such a reasonable Response at this point Really I mean What did God expect Seems fair Shit I give them boils They don't love me were pissed off at God and cursed his name. Right. Which is such a reasonable response at this point, really. I mean, what did God expect? Seems fair.

Shit, I give them boils, they don't love me. I burn them with the sun, they still don't love me. More scorpion torture, locusts, maybe. Do less. Let's try that. And by the way, if you were afraid that we were done with all the weird sewn together island of Dr. Moreau reject monsters, fear not. Because now we get the judgment of the great whore of Babylon who rides a seven-headed ten-horned beast. But a different seven-headed ten-horned beast.

Yeah. So if you were wondering when, if ever, we're going to meet a prostitute that got gang banged by all the kings on earth and she would be riding a scarlet beast with seven heads it's now now is when you meet that character and she's holding a golden cup that's filled with quote the filth

of her adulteries with all the kings so it's just the one girl and the one cup but it's pretty exciting what's happening here. Did not see this coming. Yeah, who knew that video was a biblical sequel? Right? Ben, everybody sings a song about how God totally didn't get carried away,

and all that stuff that he just did was perfectly reasonable, and then we get Armageddon. Right. So Jesus heads down at the head of a great army. And, of course, it's sword-mouthed Jesus because you can't have stillborn lamb Jesus or baby Jesus leading an army. No. And, you know, sickle-wielding Jesus is probably still tired. Drunk on wine blood, yeah. And I can't stress this enough because this actually happens. Sword-mouthed Jesus is now riding into battle against the armies

that satan's puke frogs have gathered that's what's happening in this goddamn book that everybody says is a good book they say there's morals in this thing there's fucking like sword mouth jesus fighting puke frogs but there's no morals people i'm sorry to tell you like this. We are just saying things that happen. That happen in the book. Right, so yeah. Then Jesus throws the beast and the demon publicist beast into a lake of fire and murders everyone else with

the aforementioned retractable mouth sword. Also, though, he throws Satan into hell? I mean, what kind of stupid punishment is that That's where Satan keeps all of his shit That's where he was to begin with PlayStation fuck you

So an angel flies down And locks dragon Satan In the bottomless pit Where he lived I think Where he's going to be serving a sentence Of a thousand years And I guess God figured A supremely evil magical dragon

wouldn't be a problem after all that rehabilitation because after those thousand years, quote, he must be set free for a short time. Yeah. For a little season. A little parole here.

At least a furlough. Then everybody who got their head chopped off for Jesus gets to come back to life and hang out in his earthly man cave for a thousand years, those lucky decapitated bastards. And then we get a flash forward describing how Satan's still going to be an asshole when he gets out of jail. Again, magical dragon demon.

Except they forgot to change the future tense in this part, so all this stuff already happened a thousand years later. Yeah, as though this wasn't confusing enough. Satan gathers another huge army of heathens, but

God shoots him with a fireball and throws him into the lake of burning sulfur with the beast and the evil publicist beast. This time there's no parole, though, because that was a stupid idea. Yeah. But the battle is crazy anticlimactic this time around. As soon as all the devil's armies show up at Jesus Town, God consumes them with a fire and tosses the devil back into hell. That's it. That's it.

The end. Yeah, and then we get the cruelest part of this book. This is the judgment, I guess. So all the dead people have to grovel before God and explain why they lusted after that chick with the banana and her ass or whatever. And if they can't explain why they're not helping the turtle in the desert, God throws them into hell for eternity. This is the good guy. Yes, it is. This is the good guy. Yes, it is. And then God unveils heaven and earth 2.0, where nobody is ever unhappy or sick, and

everybody lives in joyful abundance forever, except the people he put in hell who are burning in sulfur. And the vast majority of people. Right. Most of them. Yeah. This is where God has his rage quit moment. He hits the reset button and starts a new game of Sim Earth.

Right. He hits the reset button and starts a new game of Sim Earth. Right. He builds the city of New Jerusalem and drops it into place on top of all the corpses he just created, I guess. Except it's way too big. The city's enormous. It clearly doesn't fit there. So it's awkwardly dangling over the Mediterranean. It would have to be.

Yeah, exactly. It's a little bit part of Africa. Will that matter? No. So the entire city is made of pure gold also, by the way, which is an awful idea. So it's pretty much useless as a paradise

city. And the author reminds everybody that this isn't a fucking wiki. Very clearly, yes. The very last thing they tell us, we wrote down all these prophecies on a scroll and if anyone changes it, they get plagued, which seems unnecessary because there was nothing in the scroll about people changing the scroll. Doesn't matter.

God edits in mysterious ways. And the end. Amen. If you don't like it, go read the fucking Quran. Hells yeah. And that's the end of the fucking Bible. And the book ends and the Bible ends and the whole goddamn book is actually fucking over. Yes. Holy hell.

Yes. We are done. Yes. We spent damn near three years waiting for the wisdom and the morals and shit everybody said was going to be in there and instead we got angels wine pressing people to death in Jerusalem. And rape and homophobia. Well, yeah.

Yeah. So if you're looking to base your entire life on a book and you're willing to look past all the slavery and genocide, there's a shark jumping a seven-headed dragon. We look forward to it at the end of this one. Check it out. At least there's that. Now, this is the last part of the last book of the Last Testament, but we going to reprise the holy babel one more time next week because revelation was so fucked up that we really had no time at all to talk about the book as a whole but after that the babel theme will be

retired kind of and for a whole year the only ancient religious text we're going to have to read will come from the religion of peace that should be a nice change of pace oh i'm sure it will be yeah the end before we don our gay apparel tonight i want to wish everybody a Sure it will be. Yeah. The end. Before we don our gay apparel tonight,

I want to wish everybody a happy whatever the fuck they're celebrating, if they're celebrating anything. And if not, may you simply have an awesome Friday and not need to pick up anything or mail anything or buy anything or do anything, because if you do, it's going to be a bitch. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be sure to check out a brand new episode

of God Awful Movies on Tuesday at 8 a.m. Eastern. If all goes as planned, we're going to have Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance on to talk about a movie where a woman falls in love with her rape baby's daddy because she's so Christian. Should be a really fun episode

that contains enough fucks to make Quentin Tarantino blush. Now, obviously, it wouldn't be an episode if I didn't thank Heath for being nice and Lucinda for being naughty. I also want to offer a big thanks to Sharon Bush from the Unbuckling the Bible Belt podcast, both for providing this week's Farnsworth quote and for providing the Bible Belt with a much-needed sprinkling of reason. If you haven't checked their show out yet, there's still

time to rectify that oversight, which I'll facilitate with a link on the show notes for this episode. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most prominent hominids, Frank, Jorg, Dan, Chris, Adam, and Sean. Frank and Jorg, who are so virile they're fluffer, is the Maytag repairman. Dan and Chris, whose intellects forced the Armenians to retroactively change George the Brilliant's moniker to George the Not-Too-Shabby. And Adam and Sean, whose ejaculations are so mighty they have to watch out for X-Wing fighters flying through trenches to destroy their balls. Together, these six slick, thick-prick, dick-stick addicts kicked us a quick click this week and gave us money. Not everybody has the easily complimentable genitals and intellects it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist,

whereby you'll earn early access to an extended edition of every episode, which you can now listen to on their new mobile app, which I hear is much less of a pain in the ass than it used to be. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at ScathingAtheist.com. Either way, I'll compliment your junk. And if you'd like to help but you spent all your money celebrating a holiday that you're at war with, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes or telling a friend about the show.

If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAtheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly. And yes, I did have my permission. It's going to be a lesbian squirter. But I wanted to do it.