The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 150: God Riddance Edition

Episode Date: December 31, 2015

In this week's episode, we close out 2015 with more atheists in America than we started with, Kim Davis goes for a victory waddle, frozen embryos that can't afford an attorney will have some appointed for them, and Eli Bosnick will join us to review something far worse than any of the movies we've tackled.

Warning, we have an annual profanity quote on this show, and we're way behind. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new homeopathic beverage remedy for people who think they know medicine better than doctors. Dilutions of grandeur, unsmart water. Have you ever noticed how most bottled water doesn't contain small amounts of a disease-causing pathogen? So did we. And we're pretty sure that's no coincidence. So we solved that problem. You're welcome. Dilutions of grandeur,

unsmart water. If all else fails, we'll inject you with viruses and throw you in the ocean. And now, the scathing atheist. Uh, hey guys, this is Scott. I understand you finished my book looking for feedback. Be honest. Be honest. Nothing's off limits. And we did in fact evolve from filthy looking man.

It's Thursday. It's the day before next year. And I like to pretend people with crosses around their neck are just really big fans of Cartesian coordinates. It makes you feel like you fit in. A little more octagonality. I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Heath Enright. And from Monster Energy Crisis, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we'll close out 2015 with more American atheists than we started it with.

Frozen embryos that can't afford a lawyer, we'll have some provided for them. And Eli Bosnick will join us to review something worse than any movie we've ever tackled. But first, the diatribe. You know, I can't say exactly what I was expecting, but I sure as hell wasn't expecting this. We started reading the Bible in April of 2013, and the whole point was to find out for myself exactly what's really in it. Right, I mean, are the religious people really just cherry-picking out the good bits? Are the atheists really taking all the bad bits out of context? How sexist is it? How racist is it? How moral is it? Does God really hate fags? Well, as it turns out, the answers to those questions are yes, no, extremely, very, not at all, and with a passion.

But to be honest, there wasn't some deep question or curiosity that drove this project. We did it because we needed material for this show. A lot of Christians like to act like you have to read the Bible in order to reject it. It doesn't seem to impress them that they didn't read the Quran before rejecting Islam. They didn't read Dianetics before rejecting Scientology. And they didn't read dianetics before rejecting scientology and they didn't read the bible before accepting christianity but even a lot of atheists seem to think that you have to read the bible before you can argue against the claims that they base on it that's stupid i mean you know look yes

you'll be more effective but if you tell me you have a letter from yoda i don't need to know what it says to know you're full of shit and ultimately holy books aren't explanations of the religion anyway they're not hypotheses or ethical codes or arguments or evidence. They're props. You need a big fucking book sitting there that says to people, look how much information and shit these motherfuckers have. That's a thick fucking book. You need a bunch of scrolls to root through when people come to you with their problems so it looks like you're doing more than talking to the air and making shit up. You know, trying to figure out how a religion works by examining its holy text would be like trying to figure out how the magician

cut the woman in half by examining his wand. It's a fucking prop. It's a fucking distraction. And it's no coincidence that the magician is perfectly happy to let you examine the wand at length. Now, if you're wondering where the real trick is, well, historically, it's at the point of a sword. But in the modern day, I have a theory

that is definitely wrong, but it leads me to the next part of the diatribe really well. So I'm going to expound on it anyway. The secret of the Bible, the reason it's been able to convince so many people over so many generations that it's inspired by the divine word of God is that it is so fucking boring that nobody can read it. I mean, honestly, it always struck me as insane that so few Christians read that book cover to cover, right? If you honestly think this is like inspired by God himself, you think the very least you could do is read it. But then you start reading it and you're like, okay, yeah, no, I get it. If reading this book earned me free blowjobs for life and I could fucking fly, I wouldn't get through it.

Vapidity is like the Bible's force field. And you can almost see the authors and editors consciously weaponizing that, right? Like they were all sitting around working on numbers and they're like, okay, guys, like, I feel like people are going to read this bit about the dirty water potion that makes unfaithful women's uteruses fall out. And they're going to maybe call bullshit on us, but we really want a reason to force feed dirty water to women when we think they're cheating on us. So, okay, I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what, add a three page list of how many goats and shit each tribe of Israel offered to God on either side of it. Casual reader skips right over it. They never know it's there, but we'll know.

It'll be there when we need it. Because, honestly, you can read the Bible as much as the typical threshold for boredom will allow it, but you're going to miss the talking donkey and the women aren't allowed to talk stuff. And you'll say, yeah, and all in all that book was moral eventually but when they need to pull that shit out to trump some uppity bitch who wants or equal rights or something well damn here it is right there in that book that we all agreed earlier was moral when you guys were trying to pretend like you actually read it and like i said i know that's wrong you know i mean i know christianity is you know probably the most successful religion because it has the highest

body count remember you have to count the Native Americans and victims of European colonialism. And it probably has nothing whatsoever to do with how boring their book is, because shit, if they had their way, their followers wouldn't have ever been allowed to read the book to begin with. But ultimately, it doesn't even matter what's in there. It doesn't matter if the book is mostly good or mostly bad, because as soon as you say, this is a perfect book written by or inspired by the infallible creator of the universe, this is what God wants you to know, it becomes unquestionable

dogma and that's enough to make it bad all on its own. I mean, if you absolutely had to do that with a book, the Bible is definitely the worst possible choice of any book that I've ever read, but again, it wouldn't fucking matter. Even if every word of it was good, the simple act of divine attribution would be immoral enough to negate all of that. You just imagine the world's shortest holy book. All it says is, you shall get up and stretch every morning.

You know, that's pretty good advice. Almost universally, it would probably be good for us if we got up and stretched every morning. But as soon as you say God has commanded you to get up and stretch every morning, you're inevitably going to get people that work nights and stay up late and fuck up their schedule because it says morning, right? You're going to get people with broken limbs fucking up their recovery because it says stretch. You're going

to get paraplegics being denounced as heretics because they can't follow the get up part of the command. And then you're going to get two groups of people arguing about what the cutoff on morning is, and then they're going to kill each other over that. And before anybody's brain just instinctively defaults to no, no, no, that's too stupid to kill somebody over, I'd like to remind you that whether or not the cracker comes to life is still a leading cause of violent death in some parts of the world if you draw the sample from a long enough timeline. I'd like to remind you that we started this year off mourning people who were killed over cartoons. There is nothing too stupid to kill for once it becomes part of somebody's religious identity. All you have to do to make good words bad is put them in the mouth of God.

They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is the one and only Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to exist as a doubly redundant, discreet entity? We are. Oh, so close. In our lead story tonight, Kim Davis would be doing a victory lap if she wasn't so morbidly obese this week after Kentucky's new governor made good on his campaign promise to remove the names of county clerks from state marriage licenses.

He did so through a legislatively dubious executive order, even though the governor doesn't wield the power to change state laws just by adding, so saith the governor, after he says them. Still, a sympathetic state congress and electorate all but guarantee that the changes will stick. In response, Davis told reporters that she was happy to finally have the mighty Chewbacca, but 50,000 seemed a little high. Okay, well, this is obviously stupid and bigoted, but as long as Kim Davis goes to hell for the ones her office already signed, I think it's still good. That's the point. She's going to get victory lapped plenty of times during her victory lap

if she ever gets out there and tries some yogging. Now, at a glance, this might seem to sound like a reasonable compromise, right? Because in the end, gay couples will still be allowed to marry and bigoted county clerks won't have to officially sign off on it. So same-sex couples still get their tax benefits. Christians still get counted among the righteous upon the day of judgment. Everybody gets what they want. The problem is that there's no such thing as a reasonable compromise

when you're compromising with unreasonable bigotry. Almost by definition. Because what the government is actually saying here is, sure, we're legally required to let these people get married but we all know they're not real marriages these are like lesser marriages and the goddamn machinery of state will spring to action to back you up on that if need be fucking awful yeah might as well add a surgeon general's warning from now on it is known to the state of kentucky that causes AIDS, cancer, and eternal damnation.

Don't give many ideas. Gay at your own risk. And in clergyman is not the preferred nomenclature. News tonight. According to recent reports of a leak from within the Chinese government, Communist Party leaders continue to persecute Christians and other religious groups in an effort to maintain control over the population. And American Christians are extremely jealous.

They want that communist persecution inside them. Yes, they do. But since they can't have it, they're going to have to settle for plain red cups and oppressive use of the phrase happy holidays as their evidence for the violence inherent in the system that everyone should come see yeah there were all these stories coming out of muslim countries about like banning christmas celebrations and all the american christians were only pissed because it underscored what a bunch of whiny bitches they'd been being this whole time right so the efforts at suppressing

religion by the chinese government and their non-religious ruling party are nothing new. But the campaign seems to be getting worse recently, with authorities shutting down more churches, tearing down more crosses, and arresting more religious activists who are seen as a political threat. And believe me, more sympathetic to the Chinese government I could not be. But this is clearly over the line. Yes, yes it is but unfortunately for the persecution fetishists it's a line that we've very clearly drawn in the united states it's called the first amendment and it applies to everyone but muslims here so just take it easy right till that changes or we see some fire-breathing jewish men american christians

can probably stop panicking just right right because look in my mind the only beneficial purpose that religious people provide to society is a hyper visible canary in the cultural coal mine like it's easy to look at preachers and say well as long as he's still allowed to say that crazy shit anything i want to say is probably going to be all right that's still legal exactly so uh yeah bottom line if christian people in this country think like refusing baked goods to gay people is just like kneeling in front of tanks in tiananmen square then uh i think the gay people need more tanks for all kinds of reasons yeah and in texas rejects us news tonight texas governor and rick perry understudy greg abbott earned the rightful ire of the FFRF when he ordered their Bill of Rights display removed from the state Capitol building on a county. It was just being mean to baby Jesus.

According to a letter... Bill of Rights. Yeah, right. Yes, the Bill of Rights is being mean to Jesus. According to a letter signed by Abbott's own Kran, he described the display as, quote, a spiteful message intentionally designed to belittle and offend, end quote. So intentionally designed to belittle and offend, end quote. So in the mind of Greg Abbott, or in whatever he has where the mind usually goes, the FFRF venerates the Bill of Rights for spite. By the way, he also compared the Bill of Rights and the Statue of Liberty and the Founding Fathers, which is the display.

He compared those things to a picture of a crucifix inside a jar of urine. Yes, he did. And, yeah, if this distinction continues to be difficult for the governor, I'd be happy to give him a personal lesson about how to distinguish those things. And I think also we need to put up more atheist urine stuff. And if I'm not mistaken, he also said an inverted crucifix, so he doesn't even know what piss Christ looks like. So, yeah, he needs that lesson.

By the way, him not knowing shit, that's going to be something of a recurring theme in this news item. Now, admittedly, in addition to the aforementioned Founding Fathers and Lady Liberty, the display does show the Bill of Rights sitting in a manger. So there's no question that there's a parallel being drawn between nativity displays in this one. But of fucking course there is. The message being sent here is, obviously, in our country, this piece of paper trumps your magical Jew. But it's a hell of a stretch to get from that to spiteful or offensive.

And what's more, the First Amendment doesn't say freedom of non-spiteful offensive speech. That's the whole point of the display. And the First Amendment, you self-spoofing assholes. Okay, let's compromise. We did enjoy number two on your list we like

number two so you atheists can keep the display if you add baby jesus holding an assault rifle standing his ground in the manger psychopath probably so perhaps sensing that this pisses me off isn't a defensible reason to remove sanctioned displays from public grounds, Abbott's letter also complained that the display, quote, promotes ignorance and falsehoods insofar as it suggests that the founding fathers would worship the Bill of Rights in place of Jesus, end quote. Now, never mind that the display doesn't actually show anyone worshiping anything or anything. The beautiful irony of this point is that he backed it up, anything or anything. The beautiful irony of this point is that he backed it up,

the disclaim that the display promotes falsehoods, with an extensive quote that he falsely attributes to George Washington. So yeah, remove the display so people won't get the wrong impression about the Founding Fathers there, Greg. Well done. In St. Peter principal news tonight, a statue of Jesus was almost promoted to the rank of general in the Guatemalan army before a last-minute presidential veto last week when apparently the government decided they wanted to make some real-life headlines for the Onion. They just figured we'd been on for three years.

We'd never talked about Guatemala. They were like, well, let's make it easy on them. So the story about how that actually seriously happened starts with a famous statue called Jesus of Mercy, which is part of their big Easter parade every year. Well, the priest at the church where they keep it got all excited during his Christmas Eve sermon this year. And I guess he told everyone the mascot was getting this big promotion. And apparently he just made that up. Oh, really? It's not.

But the resulting media buzz got so big, it actually required the president of the entire fucking country to step in and settle the controversy and assure everyone that, no, you can't just do that. That's ridiculous. But see, I'm honestly surprised that this doesn't happen more often. by declaration but see i'm honestly surprised that this doesn't happen more often i mean you know maybe not specifically you know jesus statues being promoted to guatemala in general but stuff like this because like a priest's job is to walk out there every sunday and just say untrue shit so you'd think when they would get in the zone shit like this would just slip out all the time right so as it turns out um lots of other sentences about this story also sound like onion headlines because the chain of responses is ridiculous.

The fact that there had to be responses is ridiculous. Unbelievable. For example, Area Archbishop assures concerned citizens that local priests can't grant military promotions without proper paperwork. That's something you have to assure people of. That's another thing that actually happened.

In response to Father Aguiar's big announcement, that's the local priest, the capital's archbishop released a statement denying the story, reminding everyone, quote, nobody consulted me about ascending the statue to the rank of general. It's a matter of protocol. It's not about know that's stupid. It's just a question of protocol. It's not about know that's stupid. Exactly. It's just a question of not getting approval from the proper authorities. And not military authorities, religious ones.

And then it finally got settled by President Maldonado, whose response was likewise insane. Basically, don't be ridiculous. I'm not going to give a meaningless job title to a statue of Jesus without talking to the Vatican first. I'm not an idiot. Find out what they think about this proposal. And quick, before I insult the no doubt brave and proud tradition of Guatemalan military, you guys could totally

fuck Belize up by pointing out what a pansy ass Jesus is for being dishonorably discharged from it. We'll take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what's smart. If it's a legitimate rape. A dangerous slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. To be honest, I was kind of trying to avoid a 2015 wrap-up segment here. This segment is supposed to be about current events,

not shit that happened in May, and I didn't want to go back and rehash shit we've already talked about. But all the sources I usually get my stories from are chocked full of this-year-in-review type stuff, and I've had a few people ask me if I was going to do one, so I struck a compromise. I have three stories to talk about tonight, and they're all new stories, but as much as possible, I feel like each one represents what I would consider one of the biggest feminist news items of 2015.

We'll start off with Bill Cosby, because it's about damn time somebody did that consensually. It's been a bad year for him. Turned out that somewhere over the years, our culture decided to value goofy sound effects that started with Z less than they value not being a rapist. value goofy sound effects that started with Z less than they value not being a rapist. And while he managed to make it through damn near all of 2015 without any actual charges being filed against him, that trend ended on Wednesday when Cosby was arraigned in Pennsylvania over an alleged 2004 assault. And while Bill Cosby doesn't matter much in the long run, I mean, not in the most important stories of the year since, I do think this year has seen a renewed conversation on rape and our social responses to it.

And sometimes that conversation has been terrifying, sure, but it's never as bad as no conversation at all. Now, our next story represents what I consider to be the second biggest feminist issue of the year, and it comes to us from Indiana State Senator Jim Tomes, the latest GOP asshat to try to pass a law against urinating while transgender. Look, I got into this whole feminism thing because I believe in gender equality. So few things rile me up like this bullshit and apparently that's where the Christians

dug their fallback trench after gay marriage. You're going to make us give spousal benefits to lesbians? Alright, well fuck you then. Trans people aren't allowed to shit anymore. How do you like that? Despite the fact that this bill would affect absolutely no cisgendered people, Tomes insists he isn't targeting transgender people. He actually said, quote, shouldn't we also ask about the other sector of society of people that have all through the decades women been using women's restrooms and men been using restrooms and kind of like that, end quote. So, okay, if I may translate that out of stammering

buffoon, para quote, what about the people unaffected by this legislation, end para quote. And if you got into feminism for the same reasons I did because of a desire for gender equality, then yes, absolutely. The ongoing legislative dehumanization of transgender people was one of the most important feminist stories of the year. In so many ways, it feels like the next big civil rights battle, so it damn near made number one on my list. And if I hadn't spent the last year reading stories about fucked up shit happening to women in the Middle East, it probably would have made number one. But it's really hard for me not to say that the true front line in the battle of equality of the sexes is in

the Middle East. And as if to drive that point home one last time before we put 2015 in the books, I saw this headline on the Friendly Atheist blog yesterday. Purported ISIS document reveals rules for how to rape slaves in accordance with the Sharia. Now, purported, so take that with a grain of salt, but ISIS and Sharia law? So not too big a grain. According to reporters at Reuters, these rules include things like prohibitions about raping both the mother and the daughter or two sisters. But the key is that according to ISIS theologians, there's a right way to rape a woman. So, congratulations ISIS. There's a right way to rape a woman.

So congratulations, ISIS. In a region of the world where some countries don't let women attend sporting events, drive cars, walk of their own volition, or be seen in public, you're the sexist ones. Wow. And on that depressing note, I'll close things out. But I didn't want that to be our last experience together this year, so I'll be back later on in the show. But for now, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath.

Thank you, Lucinda. And in geezheads news tonight, Wisconsin State Representative and guy who seems to be trying for the chemotherapy looks, Scott Allen sent out a video to his constituents that urged them to all convert to Christianity quick before sword-mouthed Jesus destroys the earth. In a holiday video that he released on his YouTube channel,

Allen started by wishing all his fellow Christians a happy birthday to Jesus, but then went on to specifically target the non-Christians and sell them on the idea of turning their lives over to Christ. Yeah, and he tried to be all passive-aggressive about it, too. Right, but mostly aggressive. I mean, yeah, he failed miserably, but that was clearly the goal. Us Christians sure are looking forward to this holiday season, during which we definitely won't be raped by locusts.

I'm not sure if that sounds interesting to anyone else, but we'll be over here drinking eggnog and not getting raped in a nightmare hellscape. Give us a call if that sounds fun to you. That's basically it, yeah. The FFRF responded to the video with a letter to Assembly Speaker Robin Voss requesting documentation on how the video was funded, whether or not any state resources were used in its production, and whether or not Scott

Allen is actually Bizarro World David Cross. He doesn't have a goatee, but if he did, we wouldn't even have to ask. Oh wait, no, because David Cross has the goatee so he would be clean-shaved. So never mind. We solved that mystery. I apologize. Fucked you right up there.

And finally tonight, in I'll Take the OVA News, a group of Christian activist lawyers called the Thomas More Society filed amicus briefs last week, hoping to have their opinion considered in deciding two different court battles over frozen embryos. In both cases, a couple used in vitro fertilization and had unimplanted zygotes saved for future use, which are now being disputed after the relationships ended. And apparently these lawyers want to make sure that these test tubes get all the same rights as people, which means, you know, they can't be owned. And also they're allowed to finance political super PACs whenever they want. Right, yeah, exactly.

Zygotes are corporations, too, and that's important. Is there a prize? Does the dumbest thing a person does for this get a prize at the end of the year, and they just save this one for the very last minute so it'll be fresh on the academy's mind when the voting started? I do assume. I feel like I'm going to wake up one morning, and there's going to be a Christian lawyer in my room reading a tube sock. It's Miranda Rice. Fucking people. You have the right to remain flaccid.

Okay, so you ready for the constitutional reasoning here from the Christian lawyers? Oh boy, am I. Okay, so apparently they cited the Dred Scott decision. Shut up. No, they didn't. Did not see this one coming. Case anyone's not familiar, that was a Supreme Court case from 1857 about a slave that tried unsuccessfully to sue for his freedom by claiming he was transported into a free state and therefore ceased to be property. to be property. So apparently these guys are arguing that reproductive fluids are being denied citizenship and forced into involuntary servitude. And by the way, why say the Dred Scott decision was wrong

therefore? Just say the 14th Amendment was right therefore. You're making that argument. But don't make that argument because guys what you're saying, I mean, you just said spermsicles are a lot like black people. I mean, I know that's not what you were going for necessarily. That's not what you were aiming for, but that's what you said. For legal purposes. In an amicus brief.

Yeah, right, right. Your grandchildren will one day read the fact that you said that. Spermsicles. Nice. Thank you. Anyway, I think it's also worth noting about 70% of fertilized eggs get naturally flushed out of the woman's system without getting implanted into the womb. That happens constantly, which means this group of lawyers wants to set up a situation in which a woman might need to win monthly custody battles to keep her fucking uterus.

Yes. Yes. Custody of her uterus. Yes. Yes. Custody of her uterus. Because some dude is like positive. He's got a negative point seven five year old kid in there and he wants to freeze it for later. Whatever. Win a case about it. And how would they even decide that?

I'd love to see it. The job of this court to determine which of you is better prepared to take care of these test tubes. determine which of you is better prepared to take care of these test tubes. And it's clear from the evidence presented that the father has a nicer fridge with a full-size freezer, and you've got the water and the ice cubes on the outside. So congratulations, sir. Side by side. Yeah, you get the Eskimo cream pies. You get the Jizz Popsicles.

And isn't there a law against keeping people in freezers regardless of custody? I mean, they're a slippery slope argument against themselves it's fucking weird it's a weird interesting choice yeah okay so thanks to the thomas moore society looks like we've got two different court cases during which real lawyers and real judges might have to hear the phrase, save that frozen baby and evaluate it. And considering it's a pretty rare opportunity for us, we decided to get involved. It's like a fun new game here.

We'll need 30 seconds on the clock. Okay. Sentences that include the words, save that frozen baby and the reason those sentences might exist. Oh, okay. All right. All right. I got got you i got you okay how about save that frozen baby while dodging your record it could be the tagline for the carly

fiorina video game they made that what about save that frozen baby for dessert live the musical oh nice i'd watch that uh save that frozen baby. Collect the whole set. Genetically engineered garbage pail kids. Three dimensional. What about, you're going to want to save that frozen. Baby doesn't keep well, which would be from the Planned Parenthood employee training video. Well, probably. How about, would you like to save that frozen baby as an MP3 when Brian Fisher releases a releases a ballad and releases a single that frozen baby, right? All right, well, uh, this one's from uh, scooby-doo svu

And everyone would have got away with it to save that frozen baby Because yeah, it's no way to get away with it if you're a frozen baby, no matter what happens. It's a bit stringy when you serve it chilled, but save that. Frozen baby is an excellent hors d'oeuvre. Turns out Martha was way more prison-hardened than we thought. All right. What about, I'm not going to save that frozen baby. Just let it go, which is Princess Elsa in Frozen 2.

Elsa goes to the fertility clinic. We have to make a lot of them. Maybe, what a save. That Frozen Baby is on fire. When Edmonton decides that an embryo couldn't be worse at the net than what they've got right now. Might as well, guys. It'd be cheaper.

There you go, one more. Did you get a receipt? Yes Save that Frozen baby is a write off And that's from one of the Planned Parenthood sting videos Yeah

Right Yes Except it was more like Did you get a receipt? Save that Frozen baby Is a write off Off?

Yeah So Be aware Frozen baby is not a write-off. Might as well eat them now before the new year. And on that bit of fiscal wisdom, we're going to close out the headlines for the night. Heath, thanks as always. Just the tip. And when we come back, Eli Bosnick will join us to wrap up the Holy Babble once and for all.

Holy shit. The Holy Writ is holy red, and slowly it occurs to me I'll never be obliged to read this book again. And I'll concede I may reread some screed of what their ding-dong God decreed, but indeed the deed is done as far as reading to the end. And this pile of bile has been a trial. 1.54 billion miles the planet's traveled in its orbit while we read this vile tome, and despite its girth and virgin birth, there's still a dearth and moral worth. It might be the worst book on the earth, but I'm going back

for one last poem. First there's Genesis, and then it's this fallacious set of sentences called Exodus, and heck, that's just a cumber in your slumber. Leviticus? Ridiculous. It's filled with Bronze Age wickedness. It's a testament to ignorance, but it's a better read than Numbers. Deuteronomy has got to be less fun than colonoscopies performed by rabid wallabies, but that caps the Pentateuch. Then Joshua, he'll squash you. Understand, there's blood we'll slosh through under orders from the God you thought was going to be loving in this book. Now, to tell the truth, the Book of Ruth is a soothing break from the akuth and violent shit that we've been through, and then we're once again disheartened by three pairs, each one canonical. There's Samuel, Kings, and Chronicles. And if these books are historical, then so is David Barton.

And I guess regarding Ezra, there's really nothing much it says, so we read through Nehemiah next, and all he did was build a wall. And then in our quest for which is less misogynistic, I guess Esther is the best we're going to get, and that's still sexist overall. Then there's Job, in which we probe the fact that God's a filophobe. He rants like his left frontal lobe was trampled by a few equestrians. I kept my calm when I saw Psalms, but holy shit, that thing was long. And the Observations Proverbs makes her out there fine.

It's quite pedestrian. Ecclesiastes? Well, it's got these little moments which are oddly, dare I say it, kind of godly, but don't worry, that won't last, because soon we're off to all the prophets, awfully effortless to scoff at. But first there's Song of Song where Solomon attempts to get some ass. Then Isaiah and Jeremiah, a couple schizophrenic guys you wouldn't want to yell surprise at when they're in their darker moods, and then Yahweh damns their nation,

so we get some lamentations, and then we're back to bullshit divinations until this testament concludes. Oh, if you like your prophets freaky, you will love you some Ezekiel. It's psychotic, and it's bleak. You'll eat his turds for the diviner. If you're not a fan, you'll get another chance with Daniel, and there's a dozen more to scan through, though the rest of them are minor. There's Hosea, Joel, and Amos, then Obadiah, but the famous one is probably the lamest. That's the fable they call Jonah. Micah's like a crook, and Nahum shouldn't get a book, and then we look to Habakkuk, who has a quarrelous persona. There's Zosea, Joel, and Amos, then Obadiah, but the famous one is probably the lamest. That's the fable they call Jonah. Micah's like a crook and Nahum shouldn't get a book. And then we look to Habakkuk who has a quarrelous persona. There's Zephaniah, then Haggai, and Zechariah, Malachi, and with a sigh we say goodbye to this literary fossil.

But all that was prerequisite. We still had to read the rest of it. There's another fucking testament, and that one starts with Gospels. Matthew asks you to set aside your need for things to coincide or that you not read his book side by side with Mark or Luke or John. Ignore the fact that artifacts from each book contradict the last. Hey, look here, it's the book Acts, so shut up and carry on. Epistles piss a lot of time away, but shit, I'll list them. Therefore, I'm ecstatic that they fit the rhyme scheme. Makes them easy to dispel. One Roman, two Corinthians, Galatians, then Ephesians, Philippians, Colossians, couple

Thessalonians as well. Then Timothy's a litany, a misogynistic bigotry, and Titus might as well be just embroidered on a sweater. Likewise, Philemon's about a tweet, there's Hebrew James, a couple Peters, thrice John milks the postage meter, and Jude concludes the letters. Revelation is sensational, but this brief aberration is scarce a compensation for the egregious prior text. Each tenet is discredited, and the whole thing needs re-edited, but despite it all we read it, it's a relief in all respects. Yes, holy shit, the holy writ is holy writ, if only it was all we'd need to read, but I'll concede, the Quran is coming next.

They call it the good book, and they weren't shooting for irony. They call it the perfect word of God, despite the fact that the second chapter completely contradicts the first. They call it a book of morals, even though the lawgiver orders women raped and livestock massacred. They call it a book of answers without any hint of what kind of fucked up questions you would have to have going into it for this book to have the answers. Even the people who readily accept that it's a collection of fables and just-so histories

will often claim it's a great work of literature, despite the fact that it contains people-faced scorpion horse locusts. But after reading this motherfucker from cover to cover, I can assure you it's not good, it's not perfect, it's not flawless, it's not great, there are no answers, and it damn sure isn't moral. So what is it? Well, it's partly a disturbing, ineffectual effort at codifying ethics, it's partly contradictory genealogies, and it's partly pseudo-historical fairy tales, but it's holy babble. So to wrap up our holistic review of the world's most overrated book, we've gathered for one final babble, and of course, we couldn't cap the book off without inviting back the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions. Lucinda, welcome back. As always, good to be here. lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions.

Lucinda, welcome back. As always, good to be here. And joining us as well for this long-awaited wrap-up is our good friend and fellow masochist Eli Bosnick. Eli, welcome back, sir. Oh, I'm glad to be back. You know, it doesn't seem like it because we record every week for God-awful movies, but it's been quite a while since we found you on the show.

I don't mind saying we've missed you. I've missed being here, guys. I plan to say a bunch of stuff that isn't true so you can get a whole bunch of emails. I don't want to take shit that you've done on other shows and do it on this show. That's not original. That's right. You know what?

We can do our own thing. Now, we've gotten together in the past to sum up the Pentateuch, the Wisdom books, and the Old Testament as a whole. But we haven't done a summary show since we started with the Jesus-y part. So before we talk about the overall impressions we have of the whole book, I want to talk specifically about the New Testament. So I have a series of categories here, sort of some fill-in-the-blanks type questions, starting with our favorite moment in the New Testament.

Lucinda, what was your favorite moment? How could it not be the first time we meet sword-mouthed Jesus? No shit. That's pretty great. I can't believe that's not an action figure. favorite moment? How could it not be the first time we meet sword mouth Jesus? No. Really? Shit. That's pretty great. Can't believe that's not an action figure. As a matter of fact, I have a 3D printer now. I got one for Christmas and I'm going to make that happen. A little Jesus switchblade with his mouth

wide open and a little button and give that to your religious relatives children. What? You said you wanted me to be more accepting of religion. This is right in the book. It's right out of the Bible, guys. It's an action figure. It confirms to gender stereotypes. There's no reason

to be a bitch. There's no reason to be a bitch. It's great. You have no room to bitch. I even poisoned the blade. So, I'm already hesitating to ask. So, Eli, favorite moment in the New Testament?

I'm going to go with the people-faced lion-horse-locust-scorpion. If only for the fact that it could not more obviously have been someone dictating while they were drunk. Yeah. Right? Someone being like, and then there's going to be people-faced horse-lions. What's a horse-lion?

It's a half-horse and a half-lion and a half-locust. Are you drunk again? Are you drunk again? Are you drunk again? Kiss me. I think I would have to go for the part where the angels stomp all the people in the wine presses. Oh, yeah. Pretty great. And not just because it's so fucking brutal and the book that everybody said was less brutal,

but when you start considering the logistics, okay, they're going for bridal height blood tsunamis for 20 miles in every direction. So at first, it's just going to be bloodlust. They're going to be stomping away there. Oh, you motherfuckers didn't love Jesus enough or whatever. But eventually, it's just going to be a nightmare. They're going to be looking down going, holy fuck, what's that, nine inches? Oh, Jesus, we're never going to fucking get this. We'll be all bored and crampy.

It'll be fun. So Heath, favorite moment? All right, well, we talked about this last week, so it's fresh in my head. You remember when the seven-headed dragon Satan was hanging out on the beach? He had that meet-cute moment with the seven-headed kraken leopard with the grizzly bear feet and lion mouth? I loved that scene. You're a seven-headed beast of the apocalypse. I'm a seven-headed beast of the apocalypse.

This is so weird. All the gin joints. All right. Now, I had a sneaking suspicion that we were all going to kind of favor stuff from late in the book there. So I also had a category that was just favorite non-Revelation moment in the New Testament. Yeah. Yeah, so if we're going to go non-Revelation moment, then I've got to go with Joel, who's basic, has a whole screed where not talking about hobo fights makes you a great guy. Listen, man, if you don't pay him a dollar each and see the first one to hit the ground wins, then you're pretty great. You're pretty all right.

You're pretty all right. I know you want to. So if you resist that temptation. Listen, we all want to I know you want to. So if you resist that temptation. Listen, we all want to. We all want to. Joel is the racist uncle of the Bible. We're all just thinking what Donald Trump's saying. He tells the truth.

I thought that was God. But yeah, Joel's a good second best. I'm going to go easy. I'm going to go with the pig demon massacre with the crazy naked graveyard guy just because it allows me to at some point in my life say, I'm going to go with the pig demon massacre with the crazy naked graveyard guy. And you're not

ordering a Chipotle, which is, you know, a change. How much is the pig demon? I do order that Chipotle, yeah. So Heath, what do you got? Non-revelation moment? All right. I'm going to go with when Jesus killed a tree for not being magical. Remember, he tries to do a magic trick for a bunch of followers, make a fig tree, grow

him a fig. But it doesn't work, so he has a temper tantrum and murders the tree. And it might as well be a little kid instead of a tree. You must be a Gentile with such dirty ears. And then he murders the tree for not having a magical coin-producing ear. In Jesus' defense, I've messed up a lot of magic tricks and yelled at a lot of decks of cards quietly to myself in a bathroom, so I feel where Jesus was coming from here.

I'm not the Savior, but I feel where he's coming from. We have to hold him to a slightly higher standard. I think it's fair. The fuck are you doing, Jack of Diamonds? Fun fact, this is also John Wayne Gacy's favorite part of the New Testament. Clown, serial killer. Yeah, wow. Yeah, wow.

All right, my vote goes to the part in Timothy that says women are allowed to make smart words. Okay. That's an odd choice. As much as I hate that bit, it shuts down about half of the people who want to talk to me about Jesus. Oh, right, right. Yeah. You know.

Oh, I'm sorry. According to the Bible, only people with penises are allowed to teach stuff. Bye. Oh, now I'm super jealous. They have anything about like overweight guys who are 40s or 30s? If you wear glasses, they have something about not having 20-20 vision. You're not

allowed to... Like that, O'Brien. No more Thanksgiving talks for you. Alright, now I also have to say, because we've done this in all of our wrap-up shows, and I think it's a great question. In the New Testament which moment do you think would like

most freak the fuck out of the average Christian I'm gonna go with all the socialist parts all of those especially the part when he pays his taxes I'm sure they didn't yeah no shit there ain't no Caesar anymore so I'm just

saying look it's very simple. The charities will take care of the poor. The way they have throughout human history, whenever the rich haven't had to, take care of the poor. It works out so well. I don't want to talk about that. I changed my mind.

I want to use a different example. Oh, how about the original ending of Mark? You know, where Jesus doesn't come back to life or anything and it just dies at the end yeah right before they realized that uh what hey guys just a tomb being empty that's not much to build an entire religion around maybe you should have them like come back and say by the way they didn't just grave rob me and fuck me or something after i died it was magical right you feel like Mark is the George R. R. Martin version of Game of Thrones and

all the other apostles are the TV show version of Game of Thrones. They're not dead. They come back as lizard ninjas. I did not spoil anything just now. Good to know. Well, now if that doesn't count, I'll go with Zombie Army from Matthew.

Yeah, right, right. They don't expect that. I'm going to go with the Sermon on the Mount. You know, because they sell this like it's this paradigm-shifting tradis on modern ethics, but then you read it, and it's just Jesus going like, okay, so the apocalypse is going to happen now. No, no, no.

Okay, now. No, okay. Three, two, very soon, guys. It's coming. Now. No, no, no. Okay. Now. No, okay. Three, two, very soon, guys. It's coming. Now. Now. Further evidence of Jesus as bad magician. Just standing there going, girl, crawl out behind the mirror.

Crawl out behind the mirror. And this is, I don't know if you guys had this experience. I really did when I was reading the New Testament because I hadn't read the New Testament before this. I had read the Bible way back in the day, but the Old Testament was really what I focused on. Every time I got to parts like this, like Sermon on the Mount, I got cozy. I was like, all right, here we go. Now I'm going to

get it. I'm going to get it. I'm going to use some beauty. And he's just like, so then, oh man, you guys, you can't wait. Watch and see. It's going to be great. I have this Canadian girlfriend she gave me a foot job and she took pictures but then

she sent them to me and they're on my phone but I deleted them just now just now I was trying to open them I know we already used this one but as far as just freaking out Christians goes the Jesus with a sword out of his mouth. I just want to hear that described to old ladies. I live in my neighborhood with so many old ladies who stand there just handing me pamphlets.

And just once I want to be like, can't you wait for Christ to come back? And she's going to be like, oh, yes. And I'm going to be like, and he's going to have a sword sticking out of his face. Yeah, no, a sword coming right out of his face. And he's going to use it to fight a leopard. I don't... You speak bad English. Yeah, no,

I got to say, even though I was somewhat forewarned about that, it still freaked me the fuck out. And that brings us along to a very related category. Anybody want to nominate a favorite character in the New Testament? Oh, I got one. I got one.

Satan. Oh, hell yeah. Good answer. He saw all this Christianity shit coming and tried to stop it. Bless his little heart. Yeah, he was so close. So tempting. I said this with the Old Testament, too, but he's just us.

Throughout these books, I keep expecting Satan to, like, rip off his face and turn someone into dust but he just keeps showing up and being like I mean that seems kind of stupid right just me alright I bet he wouldn't love you if he had boils and on a similar note I'm going to go with

Judas Iscariot I like Judas Iscariot he made some good points he's a good citizen you know he turns into the leader of that sleeper cell. True patriot. He saw something and he said something. Donald Trump's kind of guy. I want to go with the whore of Babylon, not just for my own sensual reasons, but just because how awesome is it that the Bible has a whore who's so powerful the entire world

follows her around? That's pretty awesome. Take that the Bible has a whore who's so powerful the entire world follows her around? That's pretty awesome. Take that, Kim Kardashian. Oh, yeah? Do you have a temple dedicated to you? No. No? You don't have a seven-headed lion you can ride around on?

No? Nothing? Now, I have to go, and this is kind of cheating because there's four of them, but I want to go with the little eyeball sycophant monsters from Revelation that sing to God about how awesome he is. To be fair, the Pixar movie about them that's coming out in 2018 is adorable. It's going to be great, guys. I can't fucking wait.

Okay, so on an ever so slightly more serious note, to sort of close off our New Testament bit, if you take the whole New Testament together and you boil it down to a sentence or two, what is the moral of the story? Eli. Okay, so there once was this rabbi with pretty major schizophrenia,

but we are not a cult. Seriously, we are not a cult. Not a cult. Not a cult. Cult is short for culture. You said cult. And Lucinda? Let's see the moral.

You're doing wrong. Yeah, yeah. That's pretty much it. You guys are doing it all wrong. I would go with the world will end before you finish reading this book. Almost guaranteed. All right, I'm going with forget about all the rules and keep your entire penis. We don't care.

Just please join our club and not the Jewish one. Please join our club. New Testament. Bacon, four skins, Jesus. Boiled it down to three words. Well done. The Eli Bosnick story. Do you wrap one in the other?

What do you do? All right. So let's broaden the scope a bit. Since the Jesus-y parts only comprise about a quarter of this thing, for the next few categories, feel free to pluck out your answer from either testament, just taking the entire book itself. So with that in mind, what single moment from the Bible would you most like to see rendered on the big screen? Ooh, can I go with the, I liked my daughter's striptease so much,

I'm cool with decapitating john the baptist i just i want every i want the families to see that i want it animated by disney you know what i'm saying i want it cut into the middle of the next star wars movie that's what i just see i i had a similar thought you know i i'm gonna go way back from mine i want to nominate the part where jacob is doing his goat fucking mendel squares with the sticks we and we barely mentioned this when we actually came across it was in genesis with so much other crazy shit so quick refresher he made like striped goats by holding sticks near the goats while they were fucking so they would have striped babies i want people to see that and then try to continue to take this book seriously. I want to see that replicated

in modern day because you know there's a biblical literary. You know Ray Comfort at some point has gone out into a sheep yard and been like I'll prove him wrong. Tell me I'm stupid on Twitter. Yeah. Yeah. This one's going to have polka dots. Good job, Ray. Polka dots.

Don't tell anybody I did that. Didn't work. Alright, well, I'd love to watch God doing the whole crucifixion and resurrection thing with Jesus, but except James Randi keeps popping up on the screen and explaining the trick. As you can see, there's a trap door under the coffin with a hidden compartment. It's spring-loaded, and he wasn't even in this one to begin with. It's because you have powers that stop my powers. That's what it is.

Your cynicism threw off my chi. You fucked a bunch of kids in the 60s. Don't Google that. Shit. And Lucinda. So basically, throw a dart at ezekiel yeah specifically i'm thinking about a borat style recreation of the bit where he starts whacking parts of his beard off with

a sword public right that would be hilarious yeah he he may i might want to change my favorite character to ezekiel and speaking of which um who would you nominate as the Boba Fett of the Bible? If there's one character that just didn't get enough screen time, they're going to get a spin-off story of their own. Who is it? And what's the story, if you want? All right. So you guys remember the part in Revelation when

the prostitute, the whore of Babylon, gives birth in the sky on video and dragon Satan with seven heads almost eats the baby. Before she eagle flies away. Right. Of course.

Yeah, obviously. Well, I'm thinking that baby is like the Boba Fett slash John Connor of the Bible. Oh, nice. Okay. At least a trilogy in there. You got, you know, Sarlacc, Beast in the Pit, a lot of similar crossover fun stuff. How great would it be if that's just a normal dude, though? Like, I work in accounting.

Don't stare into the seventh seal. She'll stick it into her vagina forever. It's a whole fire demon thing. I don't want to talk about it. Anyways, these T87 reports are off. That makes me just about as mad as Mom's eternal fire vagina.

And Lucinda? I'm going to go with Elisha because he's like a superhero but completely at random. Yeah, right? He murders kids with bears. He makes floods for thirsty horses. He makes axe heads float

when you lose them in a river. So I want him, but as one of the Avengers. Nice. Okay. Just random set of powers and random ethicism. Yeah. Okay.

I like it. And I'm going to go with Legion. I know that's not exactly a character, but okay. So we meet this team of demons. And the last time we see them, they're in a bunch of crushed pigs. But as far as we know, the demons are still alive. Right. So I want a story where this team of demon possessed zombie pigs that are all crushed and fucked up are wandering

around Jerusalem trying to find a home and none of the Jews love them because they're pigs and then they meet this one little girl who can look past their grotesque exterior and see that they're really just okay deep down if you get to know them. Oh, like a judo-style thing. Just get some girl on a ukulele

in the background. Yeah, exactly. I don't know. Maybe you and me could go on a trip. You keep shitting fire. I'm going to steal someone else's here, but I like the talking donkey. And I got this idea that he meets this ogre, right? And there's this... Oh, it's been done. It's been done.

Okay. Nailed it. Alright, so, and this kind of ties back into the whole reason why we started doing this thing in the first place, but what's the one thing that you most expected to find in the Bible that you didn't find there?

I'm going to have to go with the Second Amendment. I could have sworn there would have been something in there about amendment i could have sworn there's what you know would have been something in there about that or abortion yeah in there somewhere but no i can't find a damn and you know what that would have convinced us about the veracity of this book if they had just been like look you know those chariots of iron that freaked us the fuck out someone's gonna carve those into tubes and they're going to fire rocks out of them. I don't know. Anyways, everyone can have one. All right.

So, Eli, anything you were expecting to find there that wasn't? I genuinely have a non-sarcastic answer, which is some good advice. Right. I really, I expected it. Some, even like Ecclesiastes, which to me was hands down the best part of the Bible. Oh, yeah. It wasn't anything I didn't know. It was like, sometimes there are seasons. That down the best part of the Bible. Wasn't anything I didn't know. It was like, sometimes there are seasons.

That's the best part of the Bible. And here's the thing. I grew up with a fairly non-religious family and I grew up, I was well educated, good teachers and everyone always looked me right in my eyes and they were like, well, you know, it's a book of stories and it teaches some good lessons. And this whole book, I was just like, any minute now. It's going to happen. It teaches some good lessons.

And this whole book, I was just like, any minute now. It's going to happen. Now, I hate to admit my level of ignorance going into this, but my answer for the thing I was most expecting to find was the, I am your brother's keeper speech from Pulp Fiction. I actually thought that was a biblical quote. It's not. That's not what's in Ezekiel at all. It's way crazier than that shit. Nothing in Ezekiel is that sane at any point

i'm gonna say god and i did not very very disappointing here i am still atheist still miserable right fucking banking on you guys i have to read the fucking quran see if i find it there awful oh shit nowhere to be found all right so I have a radically different type of question, but imagine that we're making Bible, the movie, and it's your job to write the character description for God. How do you sum him up for the actor that we cast? All right. Imagine if Darth Vader was a self-hating gay.

And go. Darth Vader was a self-hating gay. And go. I was going to say, like Donald Trump, you know, but bigoted. Less understanding. If you said, like Donald Trump, but a self-hating gay, I would have said that was the same answer. But okay, you pulled it out at the end. How about, think Lenny from Of Mice and Men, but he's also an asshole.

Not quite so likable as the super strong accidental murder retard. Maybe if I just give him AIDS, then he'll love me. Tell me about the me, George. Tell me about the me. All right. And since I'm actually now really starting to give this whole Bible the movie thing some serious consideration, let's stick with that theme. What's the tagline for that movie? Ooh, ooh, the Bible.

Guess what I'm mad about now? Goddamn high places again. I like those fucking things. How about the Bible? Way more fucking than you'd think. You know, that'll sell it. That's what Hollywood wants. What about The Bible? Way more fucking than you'd think. That'll sell it. That's what Hollywood wants. What about The Bible?

Pay no attention to the unauthorized Muslim sequel. Nothing to see there. They're already making it. Don't even get in it. Don't check it out. All right. How about The Bible? A bizarre penis obsession 3,500 years in the making. I love the passion you gave that.

And to cap this whole thing off, I wanted to give a quick TLDR section. So I'm going to ask each of you for a quick biblical summary, but I have a slightly different type of summary in mind for everybody. So Lucinda, we're going to start off with you. And in a sense, I'm going to give you

both the easiest and hardest assignment. Imagine that you have to explain the entire Bible to somebody who's never heard of it before, but you have to do it in a single tweet. Do you think you can capture the essence of this book in 160 characters or less? No, probably not.

But I can get around it pretty easily. According to this book, I'm two testicles short of being allowed to teach you what this is. Hashtag Timothy, hashtag sorry, no penis. Done. That does the trick. That's actually trending right now. Hashtag sorry, no penis.

Usually is is It should Alright now Heath I want you to imagine That you work for a publishing company And the Bible is a brand new book They just brought to you It's coming out soon You just read it

And now you're tasked with Writing the back cover blurb What would it say? That's an awkward moment Boss makes you read that shitty novel He's been working on And your boss is God. Okay, you want to blurb for that?

All right. No pressure. I want honest feedback. Honest, honest. Finally, a book that explains how the world should work from the perspective of a white man. Okay, now you stole that from the back of Donald Trump's book, to be fair.

This is a book from start to finish. This is a book from start to finish. Must read. All right, and finally, Eli. The aliens abduct you in the dark of night. They anally probe you.

You ask politely, and they do it again but less gently. And afterwards, they take you into a little room to debrief you on human culture. Among the questions they ask is, so what is this Bible thing anyway? What do you tell them? Oh, you guys found the opposite day book. Fun. So, like, once a week, some people get together and like read this book

of what not to do and think and be and feel. And we have big parties and people pretend to protest gay marriage on opposite day and stop abortion. Take videos of abuse. But if you see someone

talking about it, just play along and pretend. But don't actually like do it. Don't listen. Because that is a game. If you listen, you lose the game. Anyways, now you choke me while we do the probe,

and I'm going to call you my Uncle Mitch. Shit. That's such a great visual. And on that note, we're going to close down the babble once and pretty much for all. The reason I keep qualifying that, by the way, is that I reserve the right to bring the theme back if we ever want to close down the babble once and pretty much for all the reason i keep qualifying that by the way is that i reserve the right to bring the theme back if we ever want to you know do the apocrypha but i make no promises because fuck this book and speaking of books that need fucked those guys that like to murder people for making fun of their book they

need their book made fun of as well so we've knocked out two of three major abrahamic religions muslims you're next so in three weeks we're going to be debuting a brand new segment called Something Clever That Works in the Name Quran. If you have an idea, let us know via Facebook. You know, we're open. And joining us throughout our breakdown of the Quran, I'm very happy to announce, will be our resident glutton for punishment at all, Eli Bosnick.

Eli, really excited about that. Yeah, I'm glad to be a part of it. Misery loves companies. You could have sold that better, but well, good try. Now, I want to make sure that everyone hears me ask you this, but you know about the whole hacking people to death

with machetes thing and shit like that that they do because Eli Bosnick is your real name and shit. Right, yeah. Super excited to be everyone's Facebook profile picture. Listen, there's a plus side to me getting murdered for this. I live in a huge city. If I get murdered for this, everyone's going to have to go back to my writing and try and find something that is worthwhile to quote me on that's not good. She looks like a chicken nugget that got brought to life.

And then rapity rape murder fisting. chicken nugget that got brought to life. And then rapity rape murder fisting. Can you imagine someone at a memorial trying to leaf through my Facebook and find something worthy to say, guys, it's just a bunch of stuff about how Carly Fiorina killed her daughter. We really don't have anything to go with here.

I'm going to have to side with the Muslims on this one. Entire eulogy is just a dais of roasters. Yeah, that'd be great. By the way, I want to go on record that's what I want if and when I die

I'm not planning on it but if it should happen alright well I'd be lying if I said I was looking forward to all of that exactly but I am looking forward to the summary show

this time next year when this is done so Eli Lucinda Heath thanks for making it from one cover to the other and congratulations

you are now immune to the out of context apolog, and you can use level 6 healing spells. Hell yeah. Also, you can handle snakes. Nice. Before we break into a rousing chorus of Auld Lang Syne tonight, I wanted to thank everybody who listens to this show for making 2015 Kicks so very much ask for us. If I could thank each of you in person, I would, but believe me, I wake up every morning thankful

for the support that you've shown us for whatever part that you've played in allowing this show to continue as long as it has. Hell, you even helped make a professional podcaster out of Eli this year. You kick that much ass, so we can never thank you enough, but damn it if we're not going to try, so thank you, thank you, thank you, and thank you again. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight,

but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a new episode of Godawful Movies on Tuesday at 8 a.m. Eastern. And if even that seems too distant, you can always find occasional bonus nuggets of scatheism by following us on Twitter or liking our Facebook page. Obviously, my job here isn't done until I thank Heath for always giving 110% of 90.9%. I need to thank the rapturously beautiful Lucinda Lusions for being so damn good at her job that she makes me look bad and of course i need to thank eli one last time for

braving all of this shit with us if you can't get enough of his morbid wit you can find more on our sister's show sister's show god awful movies but most of all of course i need to thank this week's best people matt larry chris columbia householdings jill combe casey and ryan matt and larry whose ejaculations were they to meet head-on could create gauge bosons chris col Householdings, and Joe, who are so smart they could fuck up the grading curve on a pregnancy test, and Combe, Casey, and Ryan, whose dicks astronomers have to specify they're not talking about when they refer to astronomical units. Together, these eight great first-rate mates have helped us actuate our hate for all things that indoctrinate this week by giving us money.

Not everybody has the exceptional dick and or vag it takes to give us money, but if you think you've got what it takes, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash skatingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you'd also like

to not give us money, you can also help us a ton by giving us a five-star review on iTunes, sharing the show, or changing your mind about giving us money. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by All right, guys. This is what Eli didn't think was making it. Okay.