The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 153: Quranimaniacs Edition

Episode Date: January 21, 2016

In this week's episode, whoremongers will murder your wife, we learn that nine year old girls who prefer consensual should avoid living in Pakistan, and Eli and Lucinda join us to review everything about the Quran except the words.

Warning, the following explicit language may contain a podcast. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new low-budget food option for Muslim apostates who turn pastafarian when they go to college, Haraman noodles. Friendly warning, when combined with higher education, getting stoned with smart people, and snorting lines of concentrated pork powder, our product has been shown to cause irreversible damage to your faith in Allah. Use only as directed. Ramen noodles, the other dime bag.

And now, the skating atheist. Hey there, this is Devin from the Socially Awkward Skeptic on YouTube, and I'm here to say that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy, socially awkward, monkey men. It's Thursday. It's January 21st. And it's a good thing that Straight Outta Compton had those two white people involved, or else the Oscar nominations would have been offensive. I'm no illusions.

I'm Heath Enright, and from cradle to the gravy, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, whoremongers will try to murder your wife. We learn that nine-year-old girls who prefer consensual should avoid living in Pakistan. And Eli and Lucinda join us to review everything about the Quran except the words. wife. We learn that nine-year-old girls who prefer consensual should avoid living in Pakistan. And Eli and Lucinda join us to review everything about the Quran except the words. But first, the diatribe. My wife's grandmother is turning 90 in a few weeks. And she tithes. Let that sink in for a minute.

Octogenarian widow on a fixed income, and she tithes 10% of her Social Security and pension. She lives on less than $11,000 a year, and still, every week, she puts a $20 bill in that collection plate. Now, I want to give you a visual here, because you don't know Granny. So, picture the end of a Sunday sermon at a small southern church. This bent old woman sitting near the front grabs her purse and her walker, and she hobbles to the front of the church. It takes her a minute to open her purse around the involuntary trembling in her hands, but she put that $20 bill right on top, make it easy to reach. So, she plucks it out with her arthritic fingers,

and she can't quite put it in the plate because of the omnipresent tremors, but that's okay, because her pastor is happy to just pluck that money right out of her enfeebled hand with as sincere a God bless you as he can muster. Now the pastor here, by the way, healthy guy, about 50 years old, well fed, but he looks like he could wrestle a horse if he absolutely had to. And he's taken money from a woman who is too old to put in her own hearing aid anymore. Money that she's only given him, by the way, because she thinks it'll get her into heaven. Because he and a lifetime worth of miserable fucks just like him have conned her into believing that giving them her money will keep her out of hell. And as it turns out, I've actually talked about this same pastor on the show before. He was the asshole at the funeral that reminded everybody to stop by his church and join his religion afterwards just in case they died on the drive home and gave the

fucking address. I've met him a couple of times. I call him Tom, so he hates me, and he steals money from old ladies for a living, so I hate him back. Now, I want to concede, he's one of the bad ones, right? I mean, there are good preachers and pastors. I mean, you know, good compared to this loathsome prick, but this guy is everything you hate about religion. He's a hellfire homophobe. He's a pulpit-pounding bully. He's the asshole who said upon learning that I was an atheist, well, I'm sure you'll come back to God when you have children for their sake.

And by this guy's own admission, the only place that church's money goes that isn't his pocket is an annual contribution to the Southern Baptist Convention. You know, the hate group. And in case you're wondering, no, he's never come by to check on Granny, see how she's doing, never once offered to drive her to a doctor's appointment or pick up her groceries for her or anything, never once made the most feeble effort to tend to the most enfeebled sheep in his flock. You know, so maybe there are good religious leaders in the sense that there are good people

who are religious leaders, but even the most devout theist and apologist knows full well that there are also religious leaders like this guy, people who simply look at God and see a paycheck. And again, even people who reject the premise of the overall bad of religion outweighs the overall good, a.k.a. the basic precept of this show, have to admit that there are plenty of priests and pastors and mullahs and imams just like this guy. There are plenty of leaders in every religious tradition that look at granny and her 20 bucks a week and think to themselves, lady, that's nothing compared to what I'm going to get from your funeral. You know, and I offer this visual image because I want you to know what I'm thinking about

when people say I should have respect for religious beliefs. I think of a healthy middle-aged man snatching a $20 bill out of the frightened 89-year-old woman's quivering hand. I think of my sister-in-law finding out that she was cutting her pills in half with a spoon to ration them to the end of the month because she couldn't afford her fucking prescriptions. I think about the look on that asshole's face when I pointed out to him that he was taking money from a crippled, mentally unsound woman that did not have money to give. That dismissive, heartless look that truly saw nothing wrong with conning the elderly for a living. That superior look that somehow said, fuck your granny-in-law with a shepherd's crook, you godless heathen,

and guess who's subsidizing my property taxes all at the same time. Now I know that nobody's asking me to respect that guy, right? I'm allowed to disrespect him without earning the ire of the unholier-than-thou atheists that remind everybody to be polite by calling them dicks. All they want me to do is respect the beliefs that enable it and allow it to continue with no accountability. They want me to offer it the same deference that allowed this singular con to earn a legal stamp of approval while simultaneously drilling the fears and indoctrinations

so deep into their marks that it is absolutely impossible to protect granny from this at this point. You know the deference I'm talking about, right? The same deference that we've been given religion since the Enlightenment, that strategy that's been doing such a bang-up job for the last couple of centuries. Look, if somebody else was taking money from a 90-year-old crippled woman by lying to them in any other fucking way, we'd put that person in jail, even if they said they sincerely believed the lie. And nobody would be standing in Bernie Madoff's corner asking that we not judge all of Ponzi schemes based on this one bad apple.

It's a fucking con. It's a lie that steals from the weak and gives to the hate groups. And if you defer respect to the con and I don't, that doesn't make me a dick. It makes you an accomplice. They're talking about your Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is unwitting Islamic convert in the making, Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to crack open that Koran or what? No.

Yeah, me neither. Let's do headlines instead. Much better idea. In our lead story tonight, from the Married with Children file, realizing that weddings were being used as a loophole to get around laws against having sex with children, lawmakers in Pakistan recently proposed a bill that would make marriage for adults only. Specifically, they were hoping to raise the marriage age for females up to 18. So you can't marry-rape them.

Anymore. Exactly. Anymore. Because that was happening. But unfortunately for humanity, the bill was withdrawn last week after the country's Council of Islamic Ideology decided it was blasphemous. So to whatever extent you consider preventing little girls from getting forced to have sex with grown men to be progress, religion is standing in the way again. And it's Islam, by the way, if you're keeping score at home. Which is kind of like going for it on fourth and goal when you're up by 30. I mean, you're just clearly showing off.

Yeah. Bill Belichick's like Pakistan, right? So here's how it works in Pakistan, Bill Belichickistan. They have this thing called the Council of Islamic Ideology, and it helps the government decide whether they should make any laws beyond the ones in the Koran. And it helps the government decide whether they should make any laws beyond the ones in the Koran. It's kind of like the Council on Atheist Ideology, except it exists and it's pro-pedophile. And those guys think the number should be more like nine instead of 18. Nine.

Because devout Muslim men need to be able to marry nine-year-olds just like Muhammad. Well, of course. Yes, exactly. And that's where all comes – I wonder what their safe traditional marriage bumper stickers look like yeah in fact it's a guy in a turban fucking a tiny pac-man ghost i guess but disturbing shit all right well granted they are saying the nine-year-old needs to show visible signs of puberty for you to marry here so oh well in that case that was nice to hear but um but now you're talking about a government officer like counting pubic hairs you're buying god knows how many tweezers it just sounds like a budgeting nightmare be realistic right right and meanwhile a bunch of catholic priests are saying visible signs of puberty and no crackers your religion sucks guys

i don't mean to tell you but damn all right. So one more fun little detail about Pakistan's theocracy department. Oh, was that a fun detail that we got earlier? Just to give you an idea of their general purpose. Here's another fun one. In 2013, the council suggested that DNA evidence should not count in rape trials. Yeah, doesn't count in rape trials instead they called for the islamic law on that in which the perpetrator of rape victimhood needs to show up in court with four witnesses from the the audience right the rape audience make sure you get raped on a pinball machine so that's who we're

talking about fucking horrible however all that being, in fairness to Islam, nothing takes the edge off after a long day of getting Western imperialized like fucking your nine-year-old wife. But still, the Quran's not helping with a protagonist who fucks a nine-year-old. Can't wait to start reading that one. But that's where Reza has to go next, right? Exactly. Anyway, and in a pluribus pluribus news tonight, Michael Newdow is at it again hoping the whatever time is the charm uh i believe this is his fourth lawsuit to scrub references to god from our secular government and his second effort to specifically sue the in god we trust shit off

of our money uh the 62 year old emergency room doctor slash attorney slash activist slash holy shit i've wasted my life filed a lawsuit on behalf of 41 plaintiffs hoping to remove the unconstitutional motto once and for all. As it happens, he might actually have a chance at winning this time because he's jujitsu-ing that riffraff shit, which magically turns this pisses me off into substantial burden on my sincerely held belief, you see. Yeah, this is a great move, actually. And it's exactly what Christians would be doing if they had to carry around pieces of paper that say, like, we trust that God is dead or something. Right.

I mean, even if it said in data, we trust religious people would be outraged. Yeah, they lose that bet, too. So according to the suit, asking an atheist to personally bear a religious message that is the antithesis of what they consider to be the religious truth is a substantial burden. That is, the antithesis of what they consider to be the religious truth is a substantial burden. And while some may argue that he's wrong and that that's not substantial, I think we can all agree that it's at least as substantial as letting your employees fuck recreationally, which is where the legal bar currently sits. That's the current rule. Exactly. But in fairness, though, if we get rid of that motto, Christian people would have to write God sentences on all their money by hand.

And that's a pretty substantial burden, too. So, you know, it'll weigh it. You can bet your ass they would, too. Every fucking one of them would have a little stamp or something. That's lazy. Anyway, real Christians write it up. Damn it. With their own blood.

Among the people that agree with my stance that this lawsuit does, in fact, matter, by the way, is professional homophobe and sentient harumphia modicon Franklin Graham. In a Facebook post that would make Chicken Little want to share his Zoloft, Graham warned of the impending doom that awaits America if Newtow is able to turn the nation away from God. He's followed around by a trombone sound. Right. And, by the way, not to spoil the end of the Facebook post or anything, but it's the same impending doom that we're already going to get for letting the butt pirates get married. Oh, so then, I mean. Yeah, we might as well take it off. You know, the one with the horsemen and the locusts and the horse locust men.

Same one. Yeah, exactly. And in preach around news tonight, Virginia pastor, creepy televangelist, and guy who looks like John Goodman fucked Elton John. Also a casino pit boss from the 1970s. He looks like John Goodman is currently fucking Elton John. It looks like just that's happening. Anyway, yeah. Very similar.

Well done. So Jim Hill, who looks like a casino pit boss from the 70s, who's the gay love child of John Goodman and Elton John, Casino pit boss from the 70s Who's the gay love child of John Goodman and Elton John He became my newest Google alert this week With a very promising entry into the Religious right paranoid meltdown contest That someone's apparently running During Sunday's episode of his show

Called What does the Bible plainly say Nothing Mr. Hill suggested that Everyone needs to own guns because abortionists want to dismember your child and whoremongers want to murder rape your wife oh because apparently your wife is a whore and your children are delicious goes without saying and that is what the bible plainly says i I guess, about guns and abortion.

And also, Tom and Cecil talked about this on their show. And Tom pointed out that killing your wife represents terrible financial strategy on the part of the whoremongers. I mean, wouldn't they, by definition, keep her alive and rent out her vagina? Otherwise, they'd just be murder mongers. That's boring. Christianity makes no sense to me all right so here's a few of the things this guy actually said on purpose in his little sermon first he described how pro-choice operatives i guess are probably already out there ready to murder your newborn child on command yeah apparently if they can't kill it as a fetus

infant is the next best thing so that's's what they're doing. Clearly. He warned, quote, they want to bash your baby's brains out, cut their throat, chop them up like chopped liver or chickens and sell the parts. I'm glad because when he said liver, I wasn't getting it. So I'm glad he added or chickens. Second analogy made way more sense to me. Oh, like quarter them with a cleaver. Yeah, exactly. So he also suggested that abortionists will find a way to sell the tears of dead babies.

He said that. Or the crying, yeah. Or maybe the sound of them crying before the killing, like as a sleep aid, babbling. It wasn't clear. Somehow, though, we're going to sell the crying. Yeah, clearly. That's going to happen. That is what this motherfucker said. But I do love the post-utero hibachi abortion clinic visual that he's conjured up here.

Pops a little foot off the spatula, catches it in his shirt pocket. All the atheists clap. That'd be fun. That'd be fun. That's what we're going to do for my 40th birthday. That's where we're going. Excellent. And let's not forget Hill's rant about about gun rights oh yeah during which he went

full godwin right away and compared the existence of gun regulations in this country to the occupation of poland and hungary by nazi germany and uh that's what led him to warn christians that they need to stockpile firearms to defend against all the rapist whoremongers, he used that word, that want to, quote, storm in and take over your property, take over your family, kill your wife, end quote. Yeah, he keeps going back to that kill your wife thing. There's something Freudian there. But yeah, the government is going to take over the country that they're already in charge

of by military force. But first they have to take your guns. But not until they get those pistols. Exactly. That's why every American should have a handgun, a shotgun, an assault rifle, an air force, predator drones, enriched uranium. What the fuck do you think you're going to do? And also, by the way, was the taking of the guns really the bad part of what the Nazis did in Poland? You really going to focus on that?

That one sticks in your craw after all these years, bro. And also, here's one more interesting nugget. According to Hill, quote, 50 million babies have been killed and thrown in the garbage can and sold. What? End quote. So I guess it's nice to see this guy presenting some relevant data to back up his claims. But still, you know, I find that ridiculous. Why would we throw the babies in garbage cans?

We're trying to sell them. I imagine some sort of vacuum sealer is how it's done. And then probably cooler. Garbage can, obviously. Think it through, Jim Hill. Come on. Come on. And in first do no charm news tonight, Wiccan minister and woman whose bush probably qualifies

as chest hair, Joey Talley, may have provided the quintessential example. Oh, I fucked some of those witch chicks. It's all up in there. Anyway, this may be my new favorite example of stupid. It came from a recent interview with Motherboard, where this Wiccan minister explained how she can tape magical antivirus charms to your computer for money. What?

The ordained minister, which is like saying official podcast host, bolstered the credibility of her technique with a few unverifiable secondhand anecdotes with no names, dates, or details, and then got into the technique. Quote, I just go in and work the energy. I go in fresh.

I step in like a fresh sheet, and I'm open to feel what's going on with the computer. End quote. I hope I didn't lose you in all that technical talk there. Well, I got to say, it is good to have a fresh sheet on you when you're cleaning off other people's computers. Black light also helps. Yeah, exactly. You can narrow it down. Now, when asked what causes computer viruses, Tali elaborated, quote, there's all kinds of different energies.

You might want to call them ghosts or angels or spirits or demons. I do not. And you might, but you might. She went on to treat the concept that demons eat electromagnetic energy like you know a thing that we should already know okay but before prescribing the magic anti-demon rocks that work best for cleansing computers and in her defense i'm sure she meant to say fluorite so or maybe you know what maybe she did and they typed it wrong but it did ultimately detract from the credibility of all the other stuff she was saying.

Plus, even if she was using the fluoride correctly, with all those new operating systems, Windows 10, she's going to have compatibility issues. Sounds like a hoax based on my knowledge of fluoride. Fuck up your sound card every time. In other news, mental illness isn't funny, but when you call it a religion and start fucking people out of money with it, it becomes okay for me to make fun of. Plus, if Motherboard didn't want me making fun of her, they should have not let me know she existed.

So it's really their fault. It's on you. Quick, before I dig that hole any deeper, we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. Then it's a slut, right?

Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. Sometimes I'm afraid this segment spends too much time in the Middle East. Not that anybody's ever accused me of being geographically unrepresentative, and not that the Middle East doesn't deserve outsized mentioned in a weekly segment about misogyny, but I feel like I'm at the risk of numbing the audience through repetition.

What's that you say? Saudi Arabia is chopping women's fingers off so they won't figure pluses and minuses out? Yawn. So to avoid desensitizing you to Arabic and Persian sexism, I've drawn all my stories this week from the part of West Asia that pretends it's its very own continent, Europe. And for no real reason, we'll be starting at the Atlantic and moving east. That opens us up in Ireland with a terrifying story of a 21-year-old Irish woman who faces possible life in prison for taking an abortion pill, which, as the related press released from Amnesty International points out are an internationally recognized safe

option for terminating a pregnancy in the first trimester. And by the way, Ireland, in case you're not convinced that it's time to rethink that law from 1861, when Amnesty International has to send out press releases about your laws working the way you intended them to work, you might want to rethink those laws. Also, while we're on the subject, America? Yeah, same advice. All right, continuing ever closer to the continent, but not quite getting there, we'll stop off in jolly old the UK, where we find a headline that sounds sexist as hell, but kind of comes from a good place, which, as we've learned over and over on this segment, doesn't always mean much. According to an announcement on Monday from British Prime

Minister David Cameron, Muslim women who fail to learn English to a sufficient level will face deportation back to Muslimistan or wherever. Now, like I said, this isn't coming from a sexist place. This is all part of a concerted effort to reach women who live in isolated communities and whose isolation is often exacerbated by linguistic segregation. In other words, if your husband doesn't want you to know your rights, keeping you from learning English is going to help. But of course, it's David Cameron, so he had to make it at least a little racist by further explaining how people that don't learn English are way more likely to be terrorists. And finally, we'll land our European tour in Germany,

where so many American trips to Europe have ended before, where we get to some good old-fashioned hardcore Muslim sexism. This week, it comes in the form of a Salafist imam in Cologne who isn't doing asylum seekers any favors. Responding to a rash of at least 50 robberies and sexual assaults over New Year's Eve, local imam Sami Abu Yusuf told a Russian television station that the assaults were at least partly the fault of the women, who were half-naked and, even worse, wearing perfume.

Now, for the record, the average high temperature in Cologne is a couple degrees above freezing, so I'm not sure how big a problem New Year's Eve half-naked really is. But perfume? There's a sexual salty smell? What happens if you spray it on an inanimate object? Will Muslim immigrants start fucking scantily clad lampposts next? Look, I know the story has been a godsend for the anti-immigrant bigots all over the world who are terrified of letting the brown people in, and I also know that if eight native German dudes groped and robbed four dozen women, I would never have heard about it.

But when you start suggesting that women can smell like tempting rape victims, I don't give a fuck. You deserve to be called the disgusting prick you are. And I do it by his name, but I already tried to pronounce that asshole's name once and that's all he deserves. So on that disgusting note, and a quick apology for not thinking of a way to put a positive twist on the segment this week, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath.

Thank you, Lucinda. And in god-awful musicals news tonight, the Gamcast might be taking a trip to the Chocolate City this spring. Now that Fox Network has announced they'll be broadcasting a live, two-hour musical rendition of the passion which will include performances from a public street in downtown new orleans

that's right they're gonna have a reenactment of a dude getting tortured to death on a cross in the middle of a busy city and it's gonna be a fucking musical. I am so excited. Like a city known for its boobs, too. Oh, happy day. Good to see that the opening act of a 16th century pogrom is going to be on TV for Fox viewers. That's awesome. I mean, you never want New Orleans to get hit by another hurricane, but you know it's going to happen eventually anyway,

and if it is going to happen... So if anyone out there is looking to have a big viewing party about this uh the show is scheduled for palm sunday which is march 20th it is and will include what these christian producers believe to be a star-studded cast apparently and in case you're wondering they think star-studded means booking entertainment legends like Tyler Perry, Prince Royal, and Trisha Yearwood. That's the kind of talent we're going to get when Fox airs their snuff film sing-along special in March with Tyler Perry as the narrator. Get excited. The narrator? Damn, I was hoping he was going to be all 12 apostles.

I was getting excited. Ah, well, it'll still probably be worth doing a God-awful movies episode about. And in taking matters into his own stumps news tonight, Earth's Worst Place doubled up this week with a news story about a Pakistani teen who voluntarily chopped off his hand after mistakenly believing that he was guilty of blasphemy. Okay, so 15-year-old kid chops his hand off because religion. Now, I want to give you a second to process that before I tell you the terrible part of this story.

Oh, good. Yeah. Upon discovering that their son had mutilated himself into permanent disability because he was afraid that a cosmic ghost was mad at him, the boy's parents and neighbors celebrated his devotion. Like the whole village. The fuck? Yeah. As an example of piety.

I'd suggest they bump the amputation age up to 18, but you know the Council of Islamic Ideologies is going to find a way to block that, so be fruitless. Wow. Okay, so here's the story. Kid's in the mosque, not really paying attention. He mishears the question from the imam. When the imam asks who in the crowd has stopped praying.

He accidentally raises his hand, and now everybody accuses him of blasphemy for saying that he stopped praying. He runs home, chops off his hand that he accidentally raised, put it on a platter, and then took it back to the mosque. Now, his parents and neighbors might have seen this as devotion, but it could also just have been motivated by the frequency with which accused blasphemers are lynched and or executed publicly in Pakistan. I honestly can't decide which of those two is more horrifying. But either way, in terms of reasons to chop off your own hand, they're both on the more fucked up end of that scale. Yeah, if the same kid chopped off his foot and then told me it's because he he weighs the same as a duck i tell him the foot thing made a lot more sense what the fuck

no it doesn't say this in any of the news stories that i saw but i'm pretty sure that he originally meant to chop off both hands you know he's like whoa you say i don't love all i'll chop off my fucking ears to prove you're right and he looks at the story. He's like, fuck. Did not think this through. Maybe if I hold it in my legs and I can saw it. Something will chop me. Yeah, exactly. I can still learn to masturbate with this other one now.

And finally tonight from the movie Dick file, GOP presidential candidate and guy whose haircut involves a cotton gin, Donald Trump, gave a speech to a packed house of Christians at Liberty University on Monday, during which he was labeled a golden calf candidate by evangelical leader Russell Moore. In his official capacity as the president of the Southern Baptist Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission, capacity as the president of the Southern Baptist Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission, Mr. Moore sent out a series of tweets during the event accusing Donald Trump of twisting the gospel and of luring in gullible Christians with fear tactics and wild claims. Oh, well, we can't. Yeah, that's supposed to be Ted Cruz's thing.

So it's not really fair. Yeah, exactly. Stepping on your turf, ranking member of hate group. I also love, by the way, that Trump bragged about drawing a record crowd to the mandatory convocation. Way to make that Mussolini comparison stick, bro. So, yeah, when you're talking about reasons to disagree with Donald Trump, my first thought is, yeah, no bad ideas. Yeah, right. I'm in.

I'm in. But Russell Moore managed to make me rethink that. He came up with one of the weaker lists I could possibly imagine of reasons to disagree with Donald Trump. For example, he criticized Trump for trying to combine politics and the Bible, which sounded good for a second. But really, he was saying Trump is combining politics and the Bible wrong. Apparently, that's what Mr. Moore does for a living, and he'd prefer it to be handled by the experts.

Right. Not Donald Trump. Trump dubbed himself successful in more tweets out, being faithful to the wife of one's youth is succeeding in real life. Hey-o! I mean, that's weird, though, because the only thing that makes his marriage as unbiblical is that he had the wives one at a time. But whatever.

I guess, take that, Trump. You're not fucking an old lady like Russell Moore. I might have gone personally with something like succeeding in real life is ending up with more money than you started with after accounting for inflation. But to each his own, I guess. Okay. So regardless of what you think about Donald Trump, if he rewrites the bible that's going to be some entertaining literature oh yes i would read that so if you're listening donald this is for you just for you let's put 30 seconds on the clock for donald trump verses for the gospel according to donald

go all right well we'll start it off uh the earth was formless and empty darkness was over the surface of the deep or whatever and the spirit of Trump stretched out over the waters and the Donald said, Who's doing all the raping, Don? Somebody's doing it. Who's doing the raping? Which would actually lead to this next verse. Thou shalt build a wall. It must be 300 cubits high on account of the jumpy rapist. Used the word from Ken Ham's stupid bow to stupid boat or whatever bought it for cents on the dollar he's done

especially after that Newsweek article holy shit um how about and behold the Lord was one but he counts as three it's the same trick I use when I publicly state my net worth what about uh policy on Muslims

uh whatever it says in the bible policy on jews i went in expecting to add some anti-semitism but i don't know that there's room for more so same i'm gonna keep that part the same too all right what about um some common sense advice um your daughter and your wife shall be almost identical. It's not weird. It's called winning. Sure. That's what he calls it.

Okay, of course, the Jonah story stays the same except instead of a whale, it's Rosie O'Donnell. Goes without saying. She's got a whale persona. Whale persona. All right.

I got one more. One more. How about, Jesus was a loser. I like saviors who don't get crucified oh yeah now you've offered me this once in a lifetime opportunity to close the headlines on a point that i think uh the donald and i agree on so i have to take it he thanks as always uh license plate game and when we come back eli and lucinda will be here to put off reading the quran for at least a little longer.

One of the most surprising aspects of doing the Holy Babel was finding out just what a half-assed moral philosopher this Jesus guy actually was. As often as I heard, but Jesus had some really good shit to say, I was counting on a lot more good shit out of the guy. Now, of course, in retrospect, I realized that I may just have been jaded by all the slavery and murder endorsement shit I'd just been traumatized by in the Old Testament. So we're going to go through each of his statements and score them on a scale where zero is morally neutral, one is moral, and two is morally revolutionary. But we're going to knock off one point for everything immoral, and two for those things we consider morally repugnant. Yeah, now obviously Jesus says a lot of shit in the Bible. Much of it multiple times.

If not most of it, yeah. Right. So we're not going to make it all the way through tonight, but we'll bite off a big enough chunk to call it a fair sample, and we'll get an idea. All right, you ready to go? Ready to go. All right, first ready to go? Ready to go. All right, first words out of Jesus' mouth in the Bible. Matthew 3.15, it is right for us to meet all the law's demands.

Let it be so now. At best, morally ambiguous, because that's only as moral as the law. But the law he's referring to here is religious law. He's arguing with John the Baptist about baptism technicalities. So if the statement is only as good as the law, and the law says things like stone people to death for fucking the wrong gender, that's morally reprehensible. So minus two, not a great start. Starting in the hole. Okay, moving right along. Matthew 4.4, the scripture says, man shall not live by bread alone,

but every word that proceeds from the mouth of God. All right. On the surface, I'd say minus one. But again, it's all about the context. The devil is asking for proof that Jesus is really magical and Jesus is bullshitting his way out of it. So minus one for being stupidly wrong. And another minus one for impugning the good name of empirical evidence. So that's minus four overall. Really bad start. Alright, same scene a little later, Matthew 4-7.

Yes, and the scripture also says, you shall not tempt Lord your God. Alright, I'm going to give him a zero here. It's amoral. Because sure, you shouldn't tempt your unicorn or whatever. Great. Still sitting at minus four. Give him a zero. All right, all right. 417, you must change your heart for the kingdom of heaven has arrived. Well, he's wrong. So generous zero.

I'll give him a generous zero. Still sitting at minus four. All right, moving right along. 419, where he tempts Simon, Peter, and Andrew, that's two guys, by the way, into following him by saying, follow me and I will teach you to catch men. All right, well, I'm all about gay people being gay. That's fantastic. But if you're signing up recruits when you're supposed to be working, I think it deserves at least a minus one. And if you take it how they mean it,

that it's more important to indoctrinate people into my new cult than it is to earn an honest living, I'm giving it minus two. So minus six altogether. Yeah, and nothing moral yet. Not even close. All right, so starting here, Jesus pretty much babbles nonstop for three chapters, so we're going to go rapid fire. All right, I'm ready. All right, all right. Being humble-minded is good.

All right, for a second I thought he was finally about to get a point for saying humility is good, but as usual, he surrounded it with shitty context. Based on that section, he actually means being blindly faithful and feeble-minded is good. So minus one. Okay, how about being miserable is awesome?

Also minus one. Being dirt poor is awesome. Zero. Again, generous zero. Being hungry and thirsty is good. Min dirt poor is awesome. Zero. Again, generous zero. Being hungry and thirsty is good. Minus two, definitely. Sincerity is good. Plus one.

Hey, got one. Yeah, bound to happen eventually. All right, how about making peace is good? Plus two. He's on a roll. Technically, yes. The smallest of rolls. The smallest possible roll.

But if I'm remembering the book of Matthew correctly, I do not see that lasting. Oh, no, yeah, you're right. Because the next one is, it sure is good to get persecuted for this year new cult. There it is. And you don't even get a free haircut. Minus two. Motherfucker. You will go to heaven if you love me enough.

Also minus two. If salt loses its saltiness, it's useless. Like the sound of one hand clapping. Fascinating, but still zero. All right, all right. It's impossible to hide a city if it's on a hill. And yetis are invisible in October. Great.

Zero. You shouldn't put a lamp under a bucket. Obvious, but I guess it's a good common sense safety tip. Give him a plus one. We're having to get awfully generous here. Let people see you do good things. All Give him a plus one. We're having to get awfully generous here. Let people see you do good things. All right. Also plus one.

So that they'll love God more. Never mind. Do all the shit that it says to do in the Old Testament. Can I subtract more than two? No. Sorry. Okay. Minus two.

No, no, no. Minus two. Okay. All right. If you call your brother a fool, you should have to go to court. Minus one. Don't piss off your brother because he probably has some shit on you. Plus one, I guess.

Settle out of court if you can. Zero. If you look at a woman, it's the same as fucking her. That's a minus one. If your eyes lead you astray, stab them out of your own head. Well, if you're already lost, that just makes it worse. So minus two. All right all right same thing but with your hand instead of your eye okay at a certain point that makes it harder for you to keep doing

that last one with the eye gouging so uh so that's good but still minus two still stupid all right you should only get a divorce if your wife is actively fucking somebody else uh minus one you should never marry a divorced woman. Also minus one. Don't make oaths. Zero, I guess, but I'm leaning toward minus one. I mean, maybe somebody needs an oath. You don't know.

You never know. If somebody hits you, make sure they do it symmetrically. Well, the abuse victim OCD is adorable, no doubt, but still minus one. If somebody sues you for your coat, save them the court date and just give them your coat. I tried that trick on a Jewish guy in Williamsburg. Did not work. Minus one. All right.

Well, how about love your enemy? I'll go plus two on that. And hate sex is underrated, if that's what he meant. Beware of doing good deeds conspicuously. Okay. Well, he basically just contradicted the thing from before About making God look good by Christianing really hard in public So at best those two cancel out to a zero

Alright, how about go pray in the closet? I guess it's better than a crowded subway, but still weird Minus one Okay, be forgiving That's not bad, plus one Alright, when you fast, try not to look like you're fasting That's a minus one for be forgiving that's not bad plus one all right when you fast try not to look like you're fasting that's a minus one for any endorsement of fasting yeah no shit uh don't hoard money plus one that's not bad um yeah get that shit working for you trickle it down

poor people love trickles of money they do yes um the eye is like the body's lamp. What? That's what he said. Zero, I guess. Don't worry about where you're going to get food or clothes from. That's a hard minus two. Don't criticize people. All right. Well, fuck that.

I mean, have your dad make better ones. That's minus one. And almost minus two for trying to put us to have a job. No shit, you dick. If there's a board in your eye, you should remove it. If that happened back then a lot, it's a plus one, I guess. All right. Dogs and pigs are filthy motherfuckers. That's a minus three.

You can only do minus two at most. That's one for the pigs, two for the dogs. Okay, fair enough. Ask for something and you'll get it honest engine minus one if your kids ask for bread don't give them stones again um seems obvious but sure uh give them a plus one for that uh do unto others yada yada yada all right i'll give him a plus two because you know he was celibate and there was no internet back then he had no idea some people like being pissed on and that kind of stuff.

So plus two if you ask first. Okay. All right. Should have had the addendum rather. But all right. Beware of religious teachers who are full of shit. All right. Plus two, but minus two for implying that some of them aren't.

So cancels out a zero. All right. If you piss me off, I won't let you into heaven. That's a minus one. People who don't listen to me are stupid. Also minus one. Abracadabra, you don't have leprosy anymore okay uh it's a moral act sure i guess i mean at a minimum for somebody who could can cure leprosy right but uh as far as moral advice goes definitely a zero how about best don't tell anybody i just cured your leprosy big minus two

stop being a dick. Just sign the autographs, cure the lepers. Come on. Right. You asshole. Boy, do I feel sorry for people who don't worship me. Well, he doesn't offer to pray for us. Yeah. Which is rude, so minus one.

All right. Go home now and everything will happen as you believe it will. Zero? I'm just being thorough. Guess so. Foxes live on the ground and birds live in the sky, but Jesus ain't got no home. Zero, but whiny. I mean, you're magical.

I'd rather be homeless and magical than a muggle with a mansion. Yeah, no shit. All right, how about follow me and you don't have to worry about burying your dead dad. All right, well, uh, nothing's more appropriate at your dad's funeral than being recruited to join a cult, but, uh, it's a shitty cult so minus one yeah i guess it depends on the cult okay let's see uh matthew 8 26 uh what are you so frightened about i really don't think we need to be this thorough we can all right so i can that does that mean i can skip 8 32 where he says just go to the demons that he was pig drowning yeah i think you can skip that

one okay all right last chapter we're doing tonight then chapter nine uh it's okay paralyzed person i forgive you for whatever you did that pissed my dad off so much that he paralyzed you well it is hard to make an immoral prick out of yourself in a story where you're curing a disabled person but uh jesus pulled it off somehow that's a minus one he's a champ all right very impressive and then the next thing he says is just a long-winded doubling down on the last thing. Then minus one again. Right. Okay.

How about you should follow me again? Okay. Well, I know where he's leading them, so that's a minus two, a hard minus two. I like hanging around prostitutes. Hmm. That's an interesting character development, but zero. So that I can talk them out of being prostitutes. Oh, that's probably annoying if he's

not paying for time minus one and talk them into being property minus another one all right how about don't mourn a dead person while they're still alive uh again kind of obvious but uh yeah plus one why not uh don't put new wine and old wine skins that That's anti-recycling. Minus one. Right, right. Believing in Jesus hard enough makes you not be sick. Minus one, but minus two if all that believing takes any getting medicine time out of your day. Yeah, right, right.

Don't tell anybody about all these miracles that I keep doing. Again, dick move. Minus one. You probably need more field hands for this harvest. Probably because you keep telling people not to worry about what they're going to eat tomorrow, dumbass. I'll give him a zero, but he created the fucking problem. That's him. All right, all right.

Well, that's everything through the first nine chapters of Matthew. So where does that put us all together? That would be negative 37. Oh, wow. Negative 37. And that's a third away through a fourth of the Gospels. That's right out of 66 statements that were scorable he scored an average an average of negative 0.56 wow you pick you pick a random

statement by jesus it will on the average be immoral well so far yeah i guess he might just be getting all his immoral proclamations out of the way early. So maybe it's probably immoral all by itself. But if this is indeed a representative sample, of course, and it's probably big enough to be one, then the world's largest religion is based on a guy who is more likely to give you a moral advice than to ask how you're doing. Yeah. In other words, the people in the Bible without speaking lines were better moral philosophers. Yeah.

So we'll end it with a little positive note. Take comfort in the fact that if we assess your Facebook timeline by the same criterion, everybody listening to this show except Eli would prove a better source for moral guidance than Jesus. The year was 609 CE. God looked down upon the tiny little part of his creation that he gave a shit about and started to wonder if maybe he'd fucked it up. The whole Jesus thing seemed like a great idea at the time, but a couple hundred years into the Dark Ages, it was clear that the Christian parts of the world were starting to look crappy, even compared to the giant mosquito yellow fever type places. It was obvious that he was going to

have to do something. And the way he saw it, the problem wasn't so much that he'd sent his word through an illiterate nobody in the middle of nowhere. The problem is that he sent his word through an illiterate nobody in the middle of nowhere that was a pussy. So for his next prophet, he chose somebody with a little more in the way of ass-kicking credentials, confident that this time people would understand his unambiguous message of peace and harmony, or else his new ass-kicking prophet would murder them. And thus was born the Islamic faith. Either that, or a moderately successful carnival barker pedophile with a gill fetish decided the desert nomads were dumb enough to believe anything

and to find out once and for all exactly what they were dumb enough to believe we're going to be cracking open the Quran this year and reading it in all its perfection and glory Indeed, very, very exciting It should be like the Return of the Jedi of the Judaism trilogy Or at least the Rise of the Machines, yeah. And of course, to help us in this task, we'll be welcoming back my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back.

Do I have to? Yes, you do. Damn. Quick, before we get any deeper into that conversation, let me finish the introductions. Joining us as well for Allah Revolutions is the decidedly less lovely Eli Bosnick. Eli, excited to have you here.

Excited to be here. Remember, that's B-O-S-N-I-K, and I live in York, Pennsylvania. That's right. York, Pennsylvania. All right, so first things first. We haven't actually read any of the Quran yet, so this first installment is more of a why-the-fuck-are-we-doing-this segment. So in the interest of answering that, I'll ask you all, other than dick jokes, what do we hope to get out of this?

All right. Well, we're trying to be more gender balanced, right? But I don't picture lots of exposed vagina jokes in this book. Maybe some isolate jokes. I don't know. A little top cheek. Top cheek jokes. It's my top cheek.

I am hoping to get out of this finished. Can I just say done reading the Quran? Done with it? Done. Actually, a remarkably good answer. Of course, my answer is, I think everybody already guessed, but my answer is a fatwa. I want a fatwa. It's like the blow job of dating the Quran.

You go in there hoping for a fatwa. Guys, I don't know if you've been on Twitter lately, but I got a fatwa it's like the blow job of dating the quran you know you go in there hoping i don't know if you've been on twitter lately but uh i got a fatwa this weekend oh my god what does it feel like what does it feel like warm apple pie and eli what are you hoping to get out of it man uh my own page in the atheist yearbook like a real nice corner i got some glamour shots that we can put up it's the lasers yeah yeah right right all right now like we did with the bible we're going to be tackling different translations all four of us so that we can get kind of a better idea of what the arabic actually said what they're actually translating so if you guys don't mind i want

to take a second for each of us to tell everybody which translation we chose and why we chose um i'm choosing uh mine in the original arabic uh because otherwise it apparently doesn't count according to reza aslan oh my gosh no i'm just kidding i bought the cheapest one at barnes and noble it's by this guy john meadows rodwell and i i chose it because it sounded like the whitest guy who'd really does no i had a interesting. See, no, I had a very similar criterion myself. I went with the Quran interpreted, edited by A.J. Arbery because I can pronounce Arbery, right? You know, a lot of these ones, like when people ask which translation, I wouldn't be able to say it. But I can say I'm reading the Arbery translation. Also, I ordered mine online, so I'm going to know what it's like to read it while on a terrorist watch list.

Get the full Quran reading experience. Lovely, yeah. That should be good. I'll be reading a translation by somebody whose name I'm going to fuck up real quick. Mulana Wahiduddin Khan. Wahiduddin. Yeah, because some Muslim gave it to me on a subway one time, and I never bothered to throw it away. Oh, okay.

I like Wahiduddin. It's like what a stater says as he's being attacked by a cop. What he didn't? What he didn't. All right. For me, right now, I'm actually looking at a version called Interpretation of the Meanings of the Noble Quran.

And it's translated by two guys named Muhammad, so it looks pretty legit. Right. It's also the official translation of the Saudi government. Oh, okay. Yeah, they seem to know what they're doing, so that should be good. But when I get bored, I might switch over to an illustrated classic version with a picture of every other page or a choose-your-own-adventure version. I was looking for a graphic novel or a swimsuit edition or something.

This thing already sucks. Yeah, I'm just excited that there's a guy out of the NSA right now yelling to his friends, guys, what's a midget in a puzzle storm? Puzzle in a thunderstorm, but now they've got to figure out what a midget in a puzzle storm is too. It's really going to fuck them up. Throw them off the game. storm is too it's really gonna fuck them up throw them off the game okay so now going into this i i read a bunch of um you know like guide to reading the quran stuff online and the most consistent advice i've gotten is okay so when you're uh um you sure you want to i mean uh all right well

it's good it's good you'll love it it. So considering that advice, what challenges do you guys foresee in reading the Koran? Well, if it's any more sexist than the Bible is, I'll have stabbed it with a sword and said it at least a dozen times by the time I get to the end of it. And that's going to make it really hard to read. Yeah, hard to hold open. Yeah, it'll be a task. Well, I'm guessing it doesn't go over too well when you're like walking around Georgia reading the Quran. Make one of those little

brown paper bag book covers used for textbooks in public school. I don't know. Maybe just me. Maybe put a swastika on it so it's not so conspicuous. If anyone catches you, just touch the side of your nose and say, know thy enemy. They'll be into it.

They'll be okay. He sounds like Trump. I want to lick him. That's what I had to do when I was reading Ayn Rand on the subway. Well, as someone who was a literature major in college, I'm going to go ahead and say the hardest part for me is going to be finding an Asian kid to pay to do it for me. Haro and me, Erabadnik, I read a book for you.

At least it won't descend into bigotry at all. So I'm going to go, of course, with the wacky chronology of the book. From what I understand, the order of the Quran is basically like they lined up the surahs longest to shortest except for the first one. That's weirder than ordering your LPs biographically.

So as I understand it, you're basically just going to get random revelations in random places. That should make it tricky. It should make it fun. Like watching Memento, only a holy book. Except if you get it wrong, they'll kill you. Yeah, right. I don't know, man. I feel like maybe he killed the murderer long ago, but he –

Oh, God damn it. I'm just not going to dinner with you after the movies anymore, man. Stop shooting me when you disagree. Okay, so the most obvious question, I guess. What questions are you most looking forward to answering with this whole project? All right. Well, I'm curious to find out where the Obama family fits into the history of Islam. That should be cool.

Heard a lot about that. How about – have you even read the Koran? That's not a question inside the book. That's just a question I get all the time. Right. Inside the book, I'm going to go with what happens to the hero of the story after he fucks a nine-year-old. Yeah. After that moment.

I'm excited to find out. Good question. Well, I was glancing through the table of contents and I noticed that really late in the book we get these surahs in this order.

The cleaving asunder, those who give short measure, the bursting open, that which comes in the night, the most high, and the overwhelming event. So here's my question. My biggest question is, is there a story in this thing about a guy with a short dick ejaculating prematurely? I hope there is. Oh my gosh, guys. The Koran is the Eli Bosnick story.

prematurely i hope there is guys the quran is the eli bosnick story oh should i feel like i should skip right to the uh what are you hoping to find question okay so now obviously we're going to be going into this one a little bit more blindly than we went into the bible obviously growing up in a christian culture and a jewish culture to a lesser extent because your jewish culture was surrounded by my Christian culture, we knew a lot about the Bible, whether we wanted to or not. Now, I don't think any of us are going into this one completely blind, though. So just for the sake of our starting points, do you guys mind giving the audience an idea of kind of what you know about the Koran before we dive in? Let's see. Let's see let's see

uh menstrual blood is kryptonite yeah vaginas devour souls like the sarlacc yeah lawn and leaf bag is the only acceptable female fashion that and frumpy ninja but yeah okay okay and women are less than property because you're allowed to let people see your watch and stuff. Right. All that. Seems like you got the basics. All right. Well, I know that Quran is not a valid Scrabble word. I know that. You can use Torah and Bible, but not Quran or other Quran with a K. Either way.

Strange. Also, I know that I always say it wrong. I was friends with this guy who owned the deli on my block, but we always fuck with each other. I'd walk in and he'd be reading the Quran, and I'd say something like, oh, cool, the Quran. I'm reading the Old Testament right now.

That's pretty much the same thing, right? No, not the same. And it's Quran. Quran? Quran. Quran? Quran. Every time I went in, it's like Nietzsche.

Nietzsche? Nietzsche? Fuck's like Nietzsche Nietzsche Nietzsche Nietzsche Nietzsche God damn it The German guy who thought He was getting traced by trains Come on You know what I'm talking about

God bless you Yeah Oh what do I know about the Quran Damn I really hope this I wish this was a Pathfinder I would have so much more to say Okay

Middle Eastern Genghis Khan Fucks a kid Rides a flying horse Mo moves a mountain or is that just pr sounds about right actually yeah i know that's probably what it says on the back cover of this book though guys i mean he's probably that's the meadows translation actually i just read off the back i don't think this guy knows what he's talking about i don't even have a table of contents mine's just like muslim stuff okay so i i guess going into it i know a little bit i'd say i know more about islamic history than about the book you know i'm sure there's gonna be some familiar shit in there i know they ripped a few stories off from the bible here and there uh but i'd say i'm going into it almost

blind and that being said what what do you guys what what would most surprise you to find in the Quran? Personally, I'll be very surprised if they actually have the antidote for Judaism. I mean, like, really curing it, curing it. It sounds braggy. They keep promising it. I've been trying.

My whole life. I stand there and stare at an air conditioner and I'm like, don't turn it on. Don't turn it on. It's really hard. I'm whole life i stand there and stare at an air conditioner and i'm like don't turn it on don't uh i'm really looking forward to some like super solid recipes you know what i'm saying like if there was just i'm hoping the middle just turns out to be a cookbook it's good food they have good food yeah exactly right get some hummus it's like eight surahs of Muhammad being like, no, you can't mash the peas. You need to blend the peas. I will kill you.

I will cut off your face and cut off your children's faces if you mash the peas. And finally, since we have to kind of be ready for anything, right? If this book should convince you and you convert to the Muslim faith, what is the biggest change you're going to have to immediately make to your life? Now, I'll let you guys mull on that.

I'll go ahead and throw out my answer. Obviously, I'd have to start beating my wife. Well, in that case, I'd have to start mourning my husband. Good answer. Right answer. Correct answer. For me, I guess it depends how deep into it I get. All right.

So let's assume I become like a serious fundamentalist. I'm not going to half-ass it. I'd still be able to keep my job, but I feel like then I'd have to move to Bangladesh and murder myself. And this isn't so easy. Yeah, exactly. It's a whole circle, though. And bacon. And how many times can you hack yourself with a sword before you pass out?

Right. And you're not going to get the press you want, especially if you do it in Bangladesh. Pakistan will never even know about it. You'll still be in the Times of Bangladesh, but not Pakistan. Right. Now, I don't want to be negative here, but I think it might turn out to be pretty sweet. I mean, I get to let my beard grow. Right.

I don't have to hold back on Twitter anymore. I get to say whatever I want. And when people find out about my child porn, they're racist now. Oh, right. I did not consider that. Yeah. It's a different culture. You wouldn't

understand. I converted to a culture. Holy book. Yeah, right. I don't know any better. I'm like a culture. Holy book. Yeah, right. I don't know any better. I'm like a little baby. Fucking another baby. The plan is to split the book into 15 relatively even sections. I got that video if you want it.

Yeah, prepare for these things to go off the rails now and then, now that Eli is here. Eat fresh. I'm going to have to record the outro separately. Fuck it, I'll do it live! So we're going to split the book, I guess, into 15 relatively even sections based on the juz, which sounds like that little bit of splooge that shows up late to the party when you're cleaning up, but it's actually a division of the Quran used to help zealots recite the whole thing aloud during the 30 days of ramadan now uh the actual joes just start and stop at random verses so i cleaned them up a bit and we

won't have to do like half surahs or anything i'm going to be posting the schedule on our website for anybody who wants to read along but for now we're looking at reading the first two surahs over the next three weeks and reporting back to you on episode 156 who's excited i'm already convinced before we mash the plunger tonight i wanted to toss out a quick question from friend of the show, Nick Morganmore. If any of our fine listeners live in or near Columbus, Georgia, and have some spare time to assist women that are being mercilessly fucked with by religious zealots, shoot me an email. We may have some work for you. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight.

We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a new episode of our cousin show, Godawful Movies, debuting on Tuesday at 8 a.m. Eastern. Cliff Clavin makes his second appearance on the show as we break down the sequel to the least entertaining movie we've ever seen. Obviously, we can't call it a show until I've thanked Heath once more for keeping the institutionally raping nine-year-old jokes classy. I want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for reminding me I'm alive on such a consistent basis. Of course, I also need to thank the lovely in his own way and also with a great personality, Eli Bosnick, for signing on to go through the Quran with us.

Always stoked to have him on the show. And lastly, but not leastly, I need to thank Devin from the Socially Awkward Skeptics YouTube channel for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. If you'd like to check out his channel, you can find links on the show notes for this episode. But of course, most of all, I need to thank this week's most bitchin' bipeds, Dorian, Emily, Tim, Charles, Stacy, Renee, Christopher with a K,

Chris, Christopher without a K, James, Colin, Timothy, and Rob. Dorian, Emily, Tim, and Charles who are so sexy they make the full body scanners blush, Stacey, Renee, Christopher with a K, Chris, and Christopher without a K whose nunchuck skills alone would make that army a scorpion horse locust from Revelations a moot point, and James, Colin, Timothy, and Rob whose balls give binary stars pear envy. Together these 15 frighteningly ferocious fellow fighters for free thought forfeited a fraction of their fortunes, fulfilling our favored function of frustrating the forcible fuckery of those faithful fanatics this fortnight

by giving us money. Not everybody has the power, speed, or ability to banter well with supervillains that it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up for the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist and thereby earn early access to an extended edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com slash scathingatheist, and thereby earn early access to an extended edition of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but it turns out that there wasn't gold in them hills, you can also help us done for free by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes,

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Solid.