The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 157: Finely Tuned Edition

Episode Date: February 18, 2016

In this week's episode, everyone will think Australian Christian Lobbyist Lyle Shelton is gay, Saudi Arabian authorities will finally crack down on men dressed like cartoon floozies, and we'll examine the "Fine Tuning" apologetic, only to learn that it has nothing to do with squirting early on Jessica Rabbit.

Warning, the following podcast contains some pretty fucked up language. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new compilation CD of stereotypical black Christian catchphrases. Kirk Cameron's exclamations. You'll get Amen, Sister. You'll get Testify. And if you call in the next 10 minutes, we'll even throw in Wise Black Friend performing Listen to the Woman, Listen to the Woman. Kirk Cameron's Exclamations. The perfect gift idea for people with lots of friends who are black.

And now, The Scathing Atheist. My heart's a squishy tube-filled ball of meat, but one caress from you can make it sore. That feeling made my ancestors compete. I guess that's why it got selected for. But lest you think I'm slandering romance by marveling at how it came to be, I argue that the truth serves to enhance the beauty in the world that we see. serves to enhance the beauty in the world that we see. Mock rather those who scorn it as a sin, for love evolved in filthy monkey men.

It's Thursday. It's February 18th. And maybe that lady shoved her face into Peyton Manning's taint. Which is rude. Somebody's busy mooning another man. I'm no illusions. I'm Heath Enright. And from Fifty Shades of Gravy, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, everybody will think Christian activist Lyle Shelton is gay.

Saudi Arabian authorities finally crack down on men dressed like cartoon whores. And we'll examine the fine-tuning apologetic and find out it has nothing to do with squirting early on Jessica Rabbit. But first, the diatribe. I've been to church three times in my life. First time made me an atheist, second one made me an anti-theist, and the third one made me an activist. Now, I mostly managed to miss out on religion as a kid.

My mother was religious, but she recognized churches for what they were and tried to keep her kids' brains unwashed. The sole exception was one weekend when my grandparents were watching my siblings and me, and they decided they could overrule my mom, so we went to Mormon church. And, of course, they didn't want their whole congregation to know what a bunch of unchurched heathens their grandkids were, so they told us to just play along and act like we knew what the hell was going on. Now, imagine that, if you will. You've been half-heartedly told that Jesus died on the cross and God knows when you touch yourself, and with no greater base of knowledge than that, you're dropped into a Mormon Sunday school and

told to act natural. Needless to say, by the end of the story about the demonic octopus that would haunt me if I lied, I was firmly in the camp of the non-believer. Now after that, I managed to avoid church for almost a decade, and it wasn't until I met a lovely young lady that would only fuck me if I got saved that I once again felt compelled by the power of Christ. And if you think being dropped into a Mormon church without context is weird, clearly

you can't compare it to being dropped into a Pentecostal church. Now, to be honest, I only have two really clear memories of that service. One is where they're going around the room, they're saying, like, everybody says what they're praying for. Like, one lady will say, I'm praying for my grandma and her arthritis. And everybody wishes magically on that for a second. And then the preacher calls on somebody else.

And she says, I'm praying for my old car that'll get me back and forth to work. And everybody wishes magically on that one. And during this bizarre little routine, he calls my girlfriend. And she says, I have an unspoken. I distinctly remember thinking to myself, you bet your ass you do. And if you don't believe her, you can smell my fingers. Felt very proud of myself in that moment. But the other memory is probably a little more pertinent. And I go back and forth on whether it actually happened because it's been 25 years and I know how memories like to fuck with you. But as near as I can recall, the pastor actually pounded his pulpit so hard

that he broke it. Now, like I say, that seems so damn unlikely that I can't help but think my brain is exaggerating it. Like maybe he just knocked his glass off it and that broke. But the way I remember it, the feet of the thing broke off the right side and the whole goddamn pulpit went down and he kept going. Now, one way or the other, whatever actually happened, he was definitely taking an unhealthy amount of sexual frustration out on that podium. And he was yammering about how God would owe you an explanation for burning you in hell because he already gave you the Bible. And he told us that any one of us could die in a fiery car crash on the way home that

night. And how sorry would we be that we'd picked on him then? And none of that struck me as particularly unusual because after that, people started speaking in tongues. And holy fuck, if anything can look unusual in comparison to some 65-year-old lady shaking on the floor while frantically spouting random Kevin Smith catchphrases. Now, the first time I saw this church shit, I was a little kid. All I knew is that I didn't have fun and I was scared of my wacky wall walkers afterwards, so I didn't want to go back. But I was about 14 the second time, old enough to know that this wasn't just unpleasant, it was fucking scary.

It was like insanity, but on purpose and institutionalized. And when you see it from the outside like that, it's painfully obvious what a fucked up scam it is. I mean, if you cut straight to the pitch on any con, it's a lot easier to see it's a con. So with all those years of indoctrination, all I see is a guy saying, if you stop coming here and giving me money, your brain ghost is going to get tortured forever and ever. You know, it doesn't exactly require a massive intellect to call bullshit on that. And when it's laid that bare to you, when you see the actual scam that's being perpetrated on some people from the cradle to the grave, it's all but impossible not to be morally

repulsed by it. They've invented the most outlandishly self-serving lie you can imagine, and then they give it the illusion of authenticity by psychologically torturing children until they accept it. How could you look at that and not walk away appalled? So that's exactly what I did. For almost two decades, I didn't set foot in a church, and anytime somebody tried to convert me or harass me, they learned exactly where they could stick those pamphlets if they wanted to keep them warm. But that's all it was, right? Like, I hated religion with a passion, but not enough of a passion to do anything about it. If you asked for my opinion about religion, I'd give it to you uncensored.

But nobody gives a shit about your opinion unless it's also their opinion, so it's not like it came up that often. In fact, I never really felt the activist in me stirring until the third and last time that I went to church. I've talked about this on the show before, so I'm not going to go into a ton of detail. I'll just say that my dad found religion when my mom was crazy sick, and he suckered Lucinda and me into going to church for some Christmas service that he was participating in. Now, he knew I was an atheist, but I'm pretty sure he was still expecting me to grow out of that at some point. So compared to my limited experience of speaking in tongues and fist-fucking-pulpous, this service was pretty mellow, I will admit. I mean, it was still loaded with persecution, fantasies, hell threats,

glorifications of faith, in-group reinforcements, and lies. But the most egregious moment came after the service when I was chatting with my dad, the pastor, and a couple other church members. And the discussion seemed to be revolving around the evils of secular education. Specifically, the evils of science education, what with it tempting children away from Jesus with all this evolution talk. And of course, I know that's part of it, right? I'm not Claude Raine shocked to find creationism going on here. But what truly shocked me was watching my dad play right along. You know, watching the man who taught me to love science in the first place,

nodding along and agreeing that was all a tool of the devil. The dad that stayed up until 2am to watch meteor showers with me and try to get my shitty little telescope locked in on Mars for an hour in December. The dad that took me to science museums and planetariums and zoos and botanical gardens. The dad who worked his ass off his whole life so that he could give his four kids a secular college education. Now he's fallen right in line with the anti-science crowd. And it wasn't just a matter of playing along to fit in. On the car ride home, he stuck to his anti-evolution guns and even started offering up some Ken

Ham level flood apologetics. All this from a man whose intellect I respect the hell out of all of this because some church found him when he was the bottom of his life and now unblushingly extorted 10% of his income to fund their anti-knowledge platform I had this feeling like I'd seen this bridge crumbling for 25 years and never said a thing and then when it finally collapsed my dad was on it and after that bygones could go fuck themselves because religion went after my dad when i wasn't looking and i'm sure he's not the last person i love that it'll target and i'm sure he's not the last one that it'll take but the next time religion sinks its teeth into somebody that i care about i'll be able to comfort myself with the knowledge that at least it had to do it with my spear in its side they're talking

about you j We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is the man whose hate you love, Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready for some acoustic hate sex with the audience? Well, no, but only because

it's more fun when I don't brace myself. Oh, right on. I will try to keep that in mind. In our lead story tonight, from the death of a scalesman file, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died last weekend at the age of 79. Almost made it to 2017. Oh, he tried so hard. quite for seven years since obama took over he was eating salads doing the elliptical yoga hyperbaric chambers iron lung several different rigs for a weekend at bernie's type scenario right yeah it was all for naught because he died to death damn it let's fuck him in related news the song ding dong the witch is dead was trending on google almost immediately yeah yeah and showing

us a related video on facebook when you clicked on something Scalia related. So it's impartial, guys. All I'm saying is it's impartial. And it's fantastic. Here's my favorite part. This leaves the task of nominating a replacement in the hands of a Kenyan Muslim lizard alien antichrist, which is pretty much the worst thing

that could have happened in Scalia's mind. So added bonus, he didn't just die. He was fucking pissed about it. He died super, super angry. Not yet. Not yet. I believe his last words were filibuster. Filibuster.

See, now that's something like that. That's strange because if I'd had to guess beforehand, I'd have assumed that his last words would have started with, and I would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for, or maybe something about Argyle Bargyle, maybe something Argyle Bargyle related. Pulls off the mask, it's Satan. So considering the fact that overweight 79-year-olds don't just die like that. Some of the country's leading journalists did some digging. Oh, really? And they offered some theories that may shed some light on what really happened. All right, let's see.

Would you like to start with Alex Jones, Glenn Beck, or Rick Wiles? Not particularly, but let's go with Alex Jones, I guess. Great choice. According to Alex Jones, we'd be crazy not to consider that Obama had Scalia assassinated. Oh. Why? Because natural causes is exactly what they would tell us. Oh, I see. That's really his reason, by the way. In a recent video, Jones said, quote, you just get used to this. Scalia found dead. He just died naturally. And you're like, whoa!

Red flag! No, no. You're like... I mean, because, honestly, look, I was getting to the point where I was starting to think him still being alive needed an explanation. You put a stethoscope up to that dude's chest and it sounds like the infantry moving through Passchendaele.

Or Eli doing necrophilia sound effects, I guess. Squish, squish, squish, squish. Yeah, so apparently Obama needs to murder people under more mysterious circumstances. Right, that was his mistake, yeah. Not to be so suspicious. Yeah, if Scalia was solving ice cube riddles at the White House the day before, then it would be innocuous. All right, next up is either Glenn Beck or Rick Wiles.

Well, only one of those people isn't Rick Wiles. So let's go with Glenn Beck. Again, great choice. No wrong answers there, really. So Glenn Beck's theory on this is it's a lot more solid, honestly. I mean, at least in the sense that it doesn't involve the president of the United States conspiring to commit murder of a Supreme Court justice. So according to Glenn Beck, God let Scalia die in 2016 in order to fire up conservative

voters to elect Ted Cruz. Oh, yeah, that makes a lot more. No, I mean, it's the least that God could do after giving Ted that face. I get it. So according to Alex Jones, Obama murdered Scalia. And according to Glenn Beck, God murdered Scalia. Let's go to the chalkboard face. I get it. So according to Alex Jones, Obama murdered Scalia, and according to Glenn Beck, God murdered Scalia. Let's go to the chalkboard here. I do believe Obama is God. That's so weird, because I believe in Obama.

This fucks me all up. Yeah, and by the way, if you're saying to yourself, why is God having trouble getting election outcomes he likes? The answer is, shh, don't be a dick. Right. Okay, and last but not least, we rick wiles i had to come and uh this one's a lot like the alex jones obama had him

killed theory but wiles offers a reason the president would do that so it seems a lot more plausible gotcha according to wiles obama had scalia killed as part of a human sacrifice to ring in the pagan festival of Lupercalia. Oh. As ordered by the satanic cult that secretly controls the government. Well, I would have guessed. Yeah. But I think that theory is ridiculous because everyone knows that you celebrate Lupercalia by sacrificing a goat and a dog, not a human. That would be silly.

Plus, the sacrifice must be made by a vestal virgin, not a president. So go back to the well, Rick. Figure something else out. I'm sure there was some other reason that Obama and his cabinets were running through the streets naked but for their goat skin loincloths. Perfectly natural explanations that you could have gone to. So those were some fun reactions to the death I'm celebrating. Hey, you know what?

I was going to dance on that patch of ground one way or the other. It's not my fault they buried him there. I didn't choose that. Here's the thing, though. I can't help but think about how it might have all gone differently if this asshole had just resigned eight years ago. Right, yeah. Safe bet. I'm almost certain the following conversation actually happened.

Scalia knows he's a fucking triple bypass in a robe at this point. He says to John McCain, you know, I was thinking of resigning before george w leaves but let's be honest i mean we both know you're not gonna lose to a woman or a black guy i think we're fine for a few more years but obviously that never worked out because again fuck him yeah right and in cold day and pell news tonight if you happen to hear the echo of 23.13 million collective shouts of bullshit wafting over top of you this week, that would have been Australia responding to Cardinal George Pell's presentation of a doctor's note excusing him from all child sex abuse inquiry panels.

Now, of course, we covered this story last week, but I thought a few of the impassioned responses by the Australian populace merited a bit of a follow-up. He actually testified before this panel in person last year, but I guess at some point since then he contracted a severe airplane allergy. It's tragic. That happens, though. That happens as you get older.

Now, the first response comes from West Australian physician Dr. Richard Sally, who has offered to organize what the Sydney Morning Herald described as a Praetorian guard of physicians to help get Cardinal Pell home safely. In an open letter published in a number of Australian media outlets, Dr. Sally explained that he had experience transporting critically ill patients on long commercial flights and would be happy to personally finance the trip if need be. And when he says critically ill, I'm sure he's talking about something a little more worrisome than pell's hypertension and ischemic heart disease neither of which generally involve any type of travel restrictions yeah uh pretty much the only reasonable medical risk here is that getting on an airplane that's going to take you to a rape tribunal that's probably stressful you helped out child rapist right yeah but that shouldn't be a problem right now should it i mean while we're all presuming him innocent anyway.

Of course. Are you sure it's all of us? I don't know if it's all of us. Of course, now the other option is the mountain comes to Muhammad strategy, which a couple of Australian TV hosts hope to accomplish through GoFundMe. Fearing that victims will be cheated out of their only chance to confront the man that so eagerly facilitated their abuse, they intend to fly abuse victims to Rome so that they can sit on his video testimony.

In less than 24 hours, they were able to raise more than $12,000 from hundreds of concerned Australians. That's fantastic. To put that in perspective, yeah, with that much money, you could hire the legal defense the Vatican assigned to George Pell for almost five hours.

Unbelievable. Think of what you could do with that money. By the way, Catholics, that's where your fucking money's going when you tithe and shit shouldn't this guy be like hiding out on a nazi pig farm in argentina at this point or something you know i think this is the step beyond that actually i think that's where they had him before any oh and by the way as though you needed another reason to love tim minchin check out the show notes for a link to his new single come home cardinal pal

which is god fucking damned, as you would expect of a Tim Minchin single. And in Georgia, on my Watchamacallit news tonight, after hearing that the nation of Georgia scrapped a blasphemy bill that was so restrictive that it would have been prisoned Jesus, apparently, the state of Georgia saw an opportunity to once again be the most Christian Georgia, and damn it if they didn't jump on it. Democratic state lawmaker Billy Mitchell made the move by sponsoring House Bill 816, or the Georgia Student Religious Liberties Act of 2016. And when you follow church-state separation politics as closely as we do, you read a name like that and your brain just substitutes

the Christians can Christian their Christian wherever the fuck they want, Bill. And indeed, that's what we have. Yeah, I christian kids in georgia were having trouble getting fair treatment always yeah this would guarantee they're allowed to to christian on you now too right yeah exactly on you yeah if they sincerely believe it's important you have to let them christian all over your face whatever they want to do if they sincerely hold that belief yeah exactly so after some perfunctory language about how this law would finally ratify the first amendment the bill goes on to require

that all public schools provide a limited public forum for religious students to express their religious beliefs at all school functions and no not to practice their religion to express it as an on-stage speaker and when they say limited they're not talking they're talking about limited in time not in where they can do it you know so in other words anytime there's a school event with speakers a student can start it off with a prayer that would include according to article two of the bill graduation ceremonies football games any other athletic event designated by the school system i don't know why they had to list that separately yeah right right football games are more important i guess guess. Morning announcements, assemblies, and pep rallies. Okay.

Yeah. At least they have a few requirements there. I mean, it has to be a thing that lasts for an amount of time. It has to exist in space-time. And the Christian part can only last for 0% to 100% of it. So it has to be within reason. Yes, exactly. It has to be logically possible. Now, of of course they're not limiting this to only christians that the

designated school prayer will be determined by random drawing and they're allowed to pray to jesus or some fake heathen god if they so choose but in georgia public schools of course that randomly chosen person will effectively always be christian because either it's going to be christian or the muslim kid is going to not say any fucking thing and not want to do it because he doesn't want to get shot at the fucking football game by the police for saying Allah. It's just a clock. Well, if it was an atheist, they just say something non-religious and Lucian Graves isn't a student in Georgia's public schools. So in practice, it's just an effort to make Georgia public schools even more unwelcoming to non-Christians. And by the way, as a former Georgia public school non-Christian,

I can tell you that that was my chief complaint. Too damn welcoming. All their tolerance for diversity and a bunch of assholes. Ask me. And from the wife orchard file tonight, if you're a Christian girl, you should probably stop being Christian. Or stop being female. Which actually accomplishes both sometimes. Either way, growing up around dudes who cling to the Bible's view of gender roles must be a creepy fucking experience. The latest reminder about this terrifying swath of misogyny in American culture comes from a new Internet meme originally posted by a Christian fundamentalist website called LetThemMarry.org, which is run by a ministry that supports early dads with the words arranged in the shape and colors of an apple tree.

And it basically says that girls are apples, boys are starving orchard thieves, and fathers are farmers that need to allocate the vagina apples at the appropriate time. That's the analogy they're going for. to allocate the vagina apples at the appropriate time. Pretty much, yes. That's the analogy they're going for. And you know what? The most despicable thing about this message isn't even the idea that a girl's vagina is her father's property. But it does say that.

Okay, that is the most despicable thing. But the most damaging part of their message is the idea that dad should get his shekels the minute it's legal. And it should be legal earlier too that's the other thing you know so her so his daughter won't ruin herself and i'm basically i'm paraphrasing their mission statement off their fucking website there okay well here's the phrasing phrasing um yeah it's the actual message quote girls are like apples on trees their fathers are

the farmers whose job it is to care for them. He must protect his apples from pests and disease. He must guard them against thieves who may pick his apples prematurely. Neither those at the top nor those at the bottom can help their location. But when each reaches peak ripeness, it is the farmer's job. Creepy as fuck. Yeah. Peak ripeness. Peak ripeness. Peak ripeness. It's the farmer's job to harvest that fruit and give it to whom he will to those in need.

Indeed. So there is. Continuing. He keeps going. So there is nothing wrong with the apples still on the tree and nothing wrong with the boys who seek them, but it's the farmer's duty to provide for both in due season end quote holy fuck that's and by the way if you're curious how you know when a human being has reached her peak ripeness um it's actually pretty easy i looked it up first you check to

see if she has a uniform color depending on her variety um also she should separate easily from the tree then you slice her in half make sure her pips are dark brown, and if you're still in doubt, give her a quick taste. If she's too tart, give her a couple more days. It's not just that women are crops. It's worse than that. Yes, somehow. It's that they have a duty to serve as sustenance for guys that are vagina-starved. Yes. And fathers have a duty to make sure it tastes good. They say that.

So, yeah, I guess the takeaway here is girls are like warm apple pie. Eventually they get snatched out of your window by a hobo. But it's your job as a father to choose the right hobo. Exactly. Right. Exactly. And in prayer conditioning news tonight, the Russian Orthodox Church is facing derision across the globe after fucking some contractors.

You thought I was going to say kids, you racists. Out of over $6,000 in unpaid labor and materials, only to settle out of court for prayers instead of money. I wasn't going to say black kids. Now, I want to make sure you heard me clearly. According to the terms of their pretrial settlement, the company has agreed to take some number of prayers in exchange for almost two-thirds of the unpaid debt.

The public record of the settlement doesn't specify how many prayers the construction company is set to receive, but suffice to say, some number of rubles adds up to a prayer whatever number they come which is nothing so rubles are valued at a fraction of nothing dump your ruble futures is what i'm saying folks we don't give a lot of forex advice on the show but trust me dump your fucking rubles okay well that is a classic blunder by this church who made this deal. I mean, all those contractors have to do is pray for more prayers, and the priest is pretty much fucked, right?

They stuck to it forever. Idiots. It might be in the fine print that they didn't make it public, so they're pros out there. Now, this whole thing began when a construction company called Eero was hired to design and install a heating system in one of the buildings owned by the diocese in Nizhny Novgorod for just under a million rubles, or about 11.5 grand American or 8,000 pounds British, or 16 grand Australian or about 15.9 grand Canadian. Sorry, it's an international show. After the work was done, the church neglected to pay about half the amount owned. That's a little over 5,000 euros or about 600,000 yen or half a million Bangladeshi taka

ultimately Irwin was forced to take legal action resulting in a legal settlement so valueless it would be against the rules to sell it on eBay literally I wonder if they got a good interest rate on that prayer mortgage I mean either way

Goldman Sachs needs to start marketing prayer default swaps and collateralized prayer obligations they'd be making prayers hand over fist they started a little market for that it's actually probably about as um about as viable as a lot of the strategies they are using now it's also probably worth noting that the recipients of this judicial sodomy agreed to the settlement so it's not exactly rape but it's also probably worth noting that the recipients of this judicial sodomy agreed to the settlement. So it's not exactly rape. But it's also probably worth noting that the company is owned and run by a bunch of Russian Orthodox Christians who probably thought that these Jesus wizards could send them to hell. So it's – Wait.

How many rares are we getting? Hold on. I wonder if they haggled on that. So, okay. So it's not rape. It's like – well, it's like rape. It's like stiffing a hooker. Whatever level of rape stiffing a hooker is.

Or kind of like pretending to pay a hooker but really leaving a Jesus pamphlet on the nightstand that looks like that. Yeah, exactly. Like stiffing a hooker but being a dick about it. So it's more – I don't know. I'll ask Richard Dawkins once he's not all strokey anymore. He knows that kind of shit. Now, obviously, Heath and I need a minute to recover from this first ever instance of prayers actually, you know, being worth a thing. So we'll pause for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda.

A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. A dangerous slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. I guess something about the balance of power on the Supreme Court must have left me feeling poetic this week,

because I've got three stories, and they're about clits, tits, and chub permits. We'll take them in reverse order. Our first story comes out of Kentucky, a state whose postal code is synonymous with anal lubricant. I swear they're only letting Ken Ham build his stupid boat there, so they'll have something to be more embarrassed about than that. Anyway, in response to an anti-abortion bill recently signed into law, state representative and my personal hero for the week, Mary Lou Marzian, introduced House Bill 396. This particular piece of legislation would make it illegal for men to purchase Viagra unless they were married,

swore on a Bible that they wouldn't use it to fuck anybody but their wife, and brought a permission slip from their spouse, which is so awesome it hurts. Now, obviously, the bill is satirical, but it's not much more ridiculous than the bill it's meant to lampoon. Their new governor, Mark Bevin, continued his meteoric rise up the list of America's shittiest people on Friday when he signed Senate Bill 4 into law. This informed consent bill requires women seeking to exercise their reproductive rights to sit through a bullshit, unscientific spiel about the dangers of abortion, which are dwarfed by the dangers of pregnancy, and then wait at least 24 hours before being allowed to have the procedure. of pregnancy, and then wait at least 24 hours before being allowed to have the procedure. Because if we're going to force Kentucky to let their women think, they're at least going to tell those women what to think beforehand. And now boobies, specifically Tamara Holder's boobies, which are too big for correct name pronunciation.

That's according to Donald Trump's surrogate Omarosa Mandigal, who appeared on Fox News to tell everyone why we should give the nuclear codes to a guy who would use them against Rosie O'Donnell. Anyway, during the segment, Mandigal mispronounced the host's name and Holder corrected her, to which the supporter Donald Trump chose to speak for him, responded, quote, It's the same difference, boo. You want to come on with big boobs? Then you deal with the pronunciation of your name. End quote. Now, I'd love to tell you what the fuck she was talking about, but honestly, your guess is as good as mine. And I really hope that you enjoyed that last story, because I hope just as much that you won't enjoy this one. And I know what you're thinking, I promise clicks.

And usually those are harbingers of happiness for all, but not so much when they're getting whacked off of 10-year-old girls without anesthetic by demonic religious zealots. According to newly available data, the previous estimations of the victims of female genital mutilation have been underestimated by about 70 million women. For the first time, a comprehensive study on the subject was carried out in Indonesia, and while the practice is technically illegal there,

the complete lack of oversight shows in the fact that about half of all girls in the country over the age of 12 have been victimized by this kind of barbarism. In case you're curious, this brings the overall estimate up to 200 million women alive today that have been forcibly disfigured like this. And even that's still a damn low estimate since the countries where this is most likely are the ones least likely to be keeping reliable statistics on it. And now that I've depressed the fuck out of you, I feel like I should remind you that Antonin Scalia isn't on the Supreme Court anymore. And I'm sure you would have traded an awful lot of clits for that. So now that I've cheered you back up, I can hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. And in more like gay Australia news tonight, head of the Australian Christian lobby and sideways rectum in a suit, Lyle Shelton took the airwaves on Monday to warn viewers of

the devastating impact that marriage equality may have on his overall fuckability. Madness. I know it. In an interview on Sky News, Shelton explained that if same-sex marriages were legalized in Australia, everybody would just naturally assume he was gay. And for the record,

bro, the quickest way to make everybody think you're gay other than just telling everybody that you're gay is going on television to tell everyone how gay you're not exactly yeah you know how we know you're gay you're worried you might have to marry the guy you're having butt sex with might as well shove the gay people on the playground and pull their hair yeah right lyle loves the cock very good he's so gay i'm going to switch to the passive voice the cock is loved by love loves no so here's his reasoning or at least what he's telling us when asked how marriage equality could possibly affect him shelton explained that

in that hypothetical world when he says that he's married quote people no longer assume that i'm married to a woman i have to explain myself end quote so in other words if everybody got equal rights he would have to use more words to assure people that he loves the pussy like i'm married and i love the pussy which sounds easy i'll admit but but i can see how that would go wrong. So he's trying to be clear. So he says, hi, I'm Lyle and I'm married not to a gay man, though. Not to a man at all. To a not gay woman. To a not gay woman with a vagina. It's better to publicly align yourself with regressive bigotry against millions of people than look like an asshole. Be careful here.

But here's the thing. He's a lobbyist and we have gay lobbyists that's that exists does his business card say hetero lobbyist i bet it does actually i don't think that's i don't think that's going to work with him because that's probably what it says on his business card now you may be thinking what a stupid asshole which is correct so if you're grading yourself on listening to this episode well done you got that one right um but you may also be sub thinking what a stupid thing to say a fucking course people will assume that you're married to a woman because almost all men still would be in that world or maybe you're thinking who gives a

fuck if some random person thinks you're gay you xenophobe or maybe how many times must a person say dot dot dot to a woman before it's worth denying equal rights over? And while none of those issues were directly addressed in the interview, I feel confident that I could speak for Shelton here, that he would answer those questions by saying, quote, I really don't want a mouthful of black cocks pouring salty man juice down my throat like they were trying to put out a four alarm fire in my belly. It never even occurs to me every night.

I know what you were thinking, but no. I don't want that many cocks in my mouth at once. Or any. And in holy seed news tonight, child rape prevention experts may have finally isolated one of the major problems they're having over at the Catholic Church with all the child raping. Apparently, they're not reporting it. I see.

That's a big part of the issue. This all came to light after the Vatican recently released a document that includes so-called new guidelines for clergy members on how to handle allegations of sexual abuse. And lots of those child consent activists feel like this new policy is pretty much the same as the church's pre-existing system of not telling the police about the pedophiles, which seems to have proven problematic over the years. The don't tell, don't tell policy. The experts seem to think.

And I don't know why anybody is shocked by this new fucking document. The Vatican has been saying for decades, oh yeah, we're sure looking into that boys at the crime lab are working in shifts and the whole time worldwide there's been no increase in catholic churches reporting sex abuse it's gone from virtual zero to virtual zero and they expect us to believe that now it's because they stopped all the raping yes fuck off so uh here's what it says in the new diddler protocol chapter the employee handbook i'm sure it is uh senior members of the clergy are encouraged to be aware of local laws about the extent to which raping children and covering that up is illegal so that was nice of them or to include that house is one of the other yeah Good start. But from there, it went downhill pretty fast.

Got pretty rapey pretty quickly. For example, the part when they tell all the bishops that they're really only paid to handle these sorts of allegations internally. Well, but to be fair, it's not that they're saying these rapes shouldn't be reported. They're just saying they shouldn't be reported outside the church they should let the vatican take care of it because they do such a bang-up job now i'll admit they were bad at it before but they're getting really strict they sentenced that wesolowski guy to death by old age and i believe that's the mandatory minimum and maximum yes so let's uh for a second let's set aside the centuries of sexual abuse and the institutional conspiracy to cover it up.

Did it happen? Didn't it happen? Who knows? We're going to set it aside. Pick me. We're not picking anybody. We're setting it aside. But even if we give them a pass on that one, shouldn't this document be extremely illegal all by itself?

You would hope so. Like if Walmart had something in the employee handbook that tells each regional manager that when people get raped in the store, we don't necessarily report that. Doesn't that mean that somebody goes to jail? What the fuck is happening? How is the Vatican not bankrupt yet? Because the fucking world is insane, apparently. apparently. And in dope's mope over scope of Pope grope news tonight, a BBC investigation has uncovered strong evidence that Pope John Paul II was going John Paul's deep in some American lady ass during his reign as the head virgin of the Roman Catholic Church. Or actually, I'm sorry, they've uncovered evidence that he had a very intimate relationship with said American lady

ass because they're British and they they're proper but an american very intimate relationship translates to rode that ass so hard he needed stirrups which actually makes him so much less creepy doesn't it but it's still a disaster for the church that sainted him two years ago so it's not the biggest disaster but yes it is so during their investigation reporters uncovered hundreds of letters and photographs that show that Pope John Polyamory II maintained an intimate relationship with a Polish-born married American philosopher for over three decades. And I should note that I'm not calling her American lady ass just to be derogatory because her last name is the kind of thing I can pronounce 11 ways without getting it right. And I should also be clear that none of the letters or photos point directly towards a sexual relationship because, you know, popes probably don't take wet dick selfies or anything. But the letters definitely read like two fucking people.

These are I have fucked you letters. Yeah. The Vatican is acting like they were just like wrestling buddies or just sparring. But it's like the letters and the photos are all the way porn. Pretty much. Yeah. sparring partners like the letters and the photos are all the way porn pretty much yeah as we shared a cigarette with the ashtray resting between your sweaty heaving bosoms that's there's only a blow job selfie in there you know like two thumbs up this guy pope shandy wow now obviously the vatican vehemently denies that the pope broke his vow of celibacy because denying somebody fucked somebody is their specialty these days in fact not only did they deny that it happened they deny

that anyone's even alleging that it happened and and that's really sad because if you look at these letters it's very clearly two people who are in love so between him being forever unable to know physical love with a woman he adored and him being bare naked with a girl, they're more scandalized by the latter. The fuck is wrong with these people? And finally tonight, from the Coronamaniacs file, a man was arrested outside of a candy store in Saudi Arabia last week when the morality police caught him

wearing a cartoon mascot costume to attract customers. Now, you might be thinking, I wonder what law he broke. I hope you are. Something about unlicensed street advertising or pedestrian traffic safety or Pokemon Fatwa. Unfortunately, no. Those would have made way too much sense. In fact, of all the great reasons to arrest an adorable children's character this might be the dumbest i can think of the reason the reason they had to book the perp

was because the mascot character was female and she wasn't completely enclosed in a large black body bag that's it which of course is the rule for women there including the imaginary ones apparently right because okay okay so the burka according to their book is there so that people won't molest the women but so were men in danger of dog legging the side of the mascot costume just like a full-on over the pants dry fuck costume rape in the middle of the streets because if that if that was in danger of happening what kind of humorless bastard would stop it that's bad even for saudi arabia okay so this all really really happened it's important to know according to the national version of sharia law over there the cartoon mascot costume worn by a dude by the way had too much fabric skin showing apparently that was literally the problem so in saudi arabia when bugs bunny puts on lipstick

and dresses up like a girl bunny i guess he has to wear a burka in those episodes exactly right you know otherwise elmer fudd would rape dudes might start just raping their TV, thinking it was a naked female rabbit all of a sudden. Just rape TVs. Either way, I guess that's a public safety hazard. And it's a good thing Islam's going to nip that in the bud for you before it gets out of hand. Right, right. There you go. Theocracies have their merits, too.

And as much as you might be thinking, Saudi Arabia, we don't rape cartoons, lax punch as a national slogan. I was not thinking that. I dare you to think of something nicer to say about that fucking country. It's like a poor schlub that gets suckered into doing Scalia's eulogy. He was a hominid of the sapien species. European species. Okay, so once again, as usual, it seems like we've stumbled across a niche market in the global economy that's not being tapped. We do that quite regularly.

Of course, I'm talking about Muslim cartoon mascots. I was hoping you were. It's like peanut butter and jelly. Can't miss. Now, granted, for whatever reason, the Palestine-y tune adventure show never caught on. I think maybe it was ahead of its time. Probably, yeah, exactly. It's been about a year and a half now since that was mentioned.

It seems like the culture of the region has evolved. So I think they might finally be ready for some Western imaginary characters, but with a Muslim twist to make them friendly. Gotcha, gotcha. But with a Muslim twist to make them friendly. Gotcha, gotcha. We will need 30 seconds on the clock. Islam-friendly cartoon mascots to help us sneak into the Middle Eastern market and imperialize everyone. All right, all right. Don't make a Joe Camel joke.

Don't make a Joe Camel joke. Don't make a Joe Camel joke. Okay. How about Coronald McDonald? Or a Ramadanald duck? The jihadi green giant. Halalvin and the chipmunks. The Kabul aid man.

Blows up a wall all the time. Oh, yeah. How about anti-Semitey mouse? There you go. Or the burka king. What about a rocky roadrunner? Oh, nice, nice. Maybe something for Ayatollah house cookies. Do they have a mascot?

How about Jessica Rabbit's eyes? Just the eyes. In the top nose, yeah. I used Mecha Mouse before, so how about Cabba the Hutt? They both live in deserts. It makes sense. What about Scar, the FGM lion? I don't know.

I don't like that. All right. Well, now the Caliphate is going to need a mascot eventually, and I'm thinking California raisins are a no-brainer. Obviously, you'd go that way. What about Winnie the Shiite? You got Turkey Piglet? Of course.

Sand Tigger? Never mind. Never mind. I pass. No, yes. Pass. All right. All right. All right.

I'm thinking that they could still be called Snap, Crackle, and Pop, but instead of elves, they could be the bones of a Jew. In case you found his last one offensive. Good save. Thanks. All right. I got one more. What about how to train your dragon about the Quran?

Be eyeless and toothless. Yeah, right. And clitless. Well, no, it's not that she's clitless. It's just up and to the left a bit. She swears. So on that familiar quandary, we'll bring the headlines to a close before she's finished. Heath, thanks as always.

Catch! And when we come back, we'll examine an apologetic that looks at the number six and wonders how it could possibly not be the number seven if there wasn't a god come on let's be realistic here from time to time on this show we like to set aside a few minutes to discuss some of the various cerebral yoga poses theists like to strike in defense of their faith so tell us heath what apologetic do you have for us today? That would be the argument from fine-tuning. Oh, right on, right on.

I've actually heard a number of atheist philosophers describe this one as the most convincing argument in the theist's arsenal. Which is a real testament to just how barren that arsenal is. Oh, so I take it you find it unconvincing? I'm here, right? I guess that says it all. So I think the name pretty much says it, but what is the argument from fine-tuning? Well, it's the anthropic theistic principle wearing a lab coat and holding a beaker. I see.

So it seems fancier. Okay, so how would you describe it to people who aren't familiar with the anthropic theistic principle? I'm asking for a friend. Well, basically it points out that there are a number of cosmological constants that have to exist in very precise balance to sustain life as we know it. These constants range from the speed of light, the rate of expansion after the Big Bang, the size of neutrinos, the strength of the strong nuclear force, things like that.

And if you tweak any one of as many as 100 of these constants by even a small amount, the universe would be unable to support life. Well, yeah, but because there's life. Right, which is why the anthropic theistic principle needed that lab coat and the beaker in the first place. Gotcha. But the argument here is that there are trillions of trillions of ways these numbers could have worked out that wouldn't have allowed life to form,

and only a very few where they would have allowed it to form. So statistically speaking, the vanishingly small odds that this would happen by chance gives us reason to believe there's a god out there who tweaked the numbers, and it wasn't by chance. Okay, but I mean, isn't that just like picking up a grain of sand on the beach and marveling at how unlikely it is that you would pick that grain of sand? Yeah, almost, but not exactly. According to the argument, it would be more like picking up a grain of sand on a beach and then marveling at the fact that it was a tiny little jukebox. Oh, okay.

Well, then isn't it just like the puddle remarking how unlikely it is that the pothole would fit him so nicely? Again, almost, but no. If you're being generous to the argument, it would be more like the puddle thinking to itself, I'm a puddle that can think. That's pretty fucking unlikely. There must be a god that made me puddle think.

But I mean, we're not going to be generous to the argument, are we? Oh, no. Oh, good. Okay, so how is this one formally stated? All right, settle in. It takes a couple of steps for this to sound less stupid than it is. So here we go. One, the combination of physical constants in the universe is the only one capable of sustaining life as we know it. Okay, okay, that still sounds stupid.

the most likely explanation for this is God. Okay, okay, that still sounds stupid. Yeah, but less stupid than it would have sounded if I didn't say things like physical constants. That sounded smart, right? Okay, right, right. So no sand grain and no puddle. So how would you refute that? Well, it's a statistical argument with infinites in it, which invalidates it from a logical perspective. If the number of potential combinations of physical constants is infinitely large,

the odds of our universe is one over infinity, which is zero. So that's a fail. Okay, okay. But I guess a lot of people would have trouble understanding mathematical and statistical explanations. So if you had to refute it without using math, what would you do then? Well, I guess you could just as easily point out that according to the multiverse theory, there may very well be an infinite

or near infinite number of possible universes, each with their own physical constants. And if that's the case, it would be inevitable that some of these universes would be fine-tuned for life, like this one. Okay, sure, but something tells me that the theoretical apologist who gets tripped up on basic math isn't going to understand it more if we appeal to multiverse theories. So what if you had to refute it without using math or theoretical physics?

Okay, yeah, good point. In that case, I guess you could point out just how little of the universe contains life. I mean, even compared to the inorganic parts of the Earth, the living shit only accounts for 1.17 times 10 to the negative 9 of the Earth's mass. And, of course, the vast majority of the universe is not Earth, so it's even less. Okay, yeah, but I mean, used scientific notation and that's math. Okay, 0.00000000117%. That's still math. Fine. How about we dig into a few of their numbers? Okay.

One of the physical constants they love to point out is the size of the neutrino. And the mass of a neutrino is 5 times 10 to the negative 35 kilograms. neutrino and the mass of a neutrino is five times 10 to the negative 35 kilograms now the apologist will tell you if it was slightly bigger say five times 10 to the negative 34 the extra mass would cause the universe to contract instead of expand so there couldn't be life you used scientific notation again well no they did the apologist i'm pretending to argue with said the thing oh okay not me no you're good okay you're good and uh obviously they're choosing that number because 0.34 zeros and a five seems almost indistinguishable from 0.35 zeros and a five but it's still an order of magnitude difference there that's the difference in size between like the christmas tree at rockefeller

center and the skyscraper behind it. So if you imagine a neutrino as, say, a marble, they have to go all the way up to bowling ball to make their universe-shattering thing work. That kind of takes the fine out of the fine tuning a little bit. All right, but you still have the tuning. I mean, that's all relative anyway. So, I mean, sure, marble to bowling ball in the universe is fine, but bowling ball to Antares and it isn't. So, there are still a lot more ways that the numbers don't work and a lot more, or a lot fewer rather, where they do. Well, I'd probably also

point out what kind of a disingenuous fuck you have to be to give the weight of neutrinos in kilograms to begin with. I mean, they're usually measured in electron volts. Kilograms makes about as much sense as measuring your dick in light years. Parsecs. I do it all the time. Oh, okay, so sure. But that refutation counts on them using that specific neutrino example. And like you said, they could come at you with any of a hundred different cosmological constants

to bolster their argument. So how would you refute it if you couldn't use math or theoretical physics or refer to a specific constant? All right. I guess we could also go after premise one. According to the argument, the combination of physical constants we observe are the only ones capable of sustaining life as we know it. But it's impossible to say how many combinations of physical constants might be able to sustain life as we don't know it,

so that's pretty much meaningless. Okay, but what if you weren't allowed to attack the first premise? Why would I not be allowed to attack the first premise? Because, I mean, let's just say that there's a guy with a gun and he's going to shoot you if you do. So if you had to refute the argument without using math, theoretical physics, reliance on a specific cosmological constant, or a direct refutation of the first premise?

Okay, I guess I'd go after the fourth premise at that point. Because even if we somehow established that the universe needed to be tweaked in just such a way as to allow life to exist, that could just as easily be explained by, I don't know, the robots that programmed the Matrix, or the aliens that created our universe in their petri dish. And as unlikely as those explanations might be, they're still far more likely than any widely accepted definition of God. Okay. All right.

But what if the guy you're arguing with had like simulation hypothesis related post-traumatic stress disorder? He wouldn't because that's not a thing. Not now, but I mean like we're getting really good at machine brain interface so maybe people are listening to this in archives and they're going to have to refute this argument to somebody who was kidnapped and hooked up to a matrix like system and is still recovering psychologically i think we should cover that angle as well while someone is threatening to kill them for attacking the first premise it could happen

yeah but probably not. Yeah, but just in case. So how would you refute this argument if you couldn't use math, statistics, theoretical physics, specific examples of constants, attacks against the first premise, or references to the simulation hypothesis? I don't know.

Maybe I'd point out that a number of their constants are related numbers that can only move together, so you can't start tweaking the speed of light one way and the electromagnetic force another way since the latter is dependent on the former. I mean, most of the argument is built up by trying to change one of the angles of a triangle

without changing the others, so it makes absolutely no sense. Okay, but what if this person was also allergic to the word dependent? That's not a possible thing. That we know of. Then I'd use the word contingent the word dependent. That's not a possible thing. That we know of. Then I'd use the word contingent instead of dependent. Right, but he's also allergic to synonyms of dependent.

Then I'd point out that the argument fails to distinguish itself from the alternative that scientists propose. I mean, if God tweaked the cosmological constants, or if they arrived there by accident, we'd be looking at a world that looks exactly the same. I mean, if your theory predicts the same thing as the other theory, but adds an extra conclusion, Occam's razor clearly refutes your theory.

Okay, all right, yeah, but what if you had to refute it without using math, statistics, theoretical physics, specific examples, the first premise, the simulation hypothesis, the word dependent, or synonyms thereof, or Occam's razor while standing on one leg. Well, that would be because I'd be using the other foot to kick the guy I'm arguing with in the baby maker. Well, I can't do the outro if I'm all squeaky, so I guess we'll have to close it right there. Fucking Oompa Loompas. it's time for the part of the show that comes next the listener feedback this is the part of the show that's all about you assuming you're one of the two people whose feedback we're going to

be responding to it our first message comes from john in new zealand john says some very kind things about our podcasts and then adds the following. Quote, could you please put me out of my misery and tell me what the euphemism is about, puzzle in a thunderstorm. I can't recall the exact beginning and all I can guess is it is something cringingly obscene. I can't offend people with this expression unless I know what it is and what it means. I can't offend people with this expression unless I know what it is and what it means. As a bribe, I'm off to iTunes immediately after this to give a five-star review to each of your casts. Thanks, John in New Zealand.

Great way to get your questions answered, John. Good stuff, John. So it started on episode 13 of the GAM cast, so you can go back there for the full context, but it doesn't actually mean anything. It just started off as a joke in the moment because the movie involved three girls doing a puzzle in a thunderstorm like actually doing that and just eli went off and it cracked me up so much that he kept bringing it back and apparently it's just it's been driving a lot of our listeners fucking nuts since then so sorry about that and finally we got several messages from listeners who wanted to correct last week's story about ruch v the kayak full of used moose douche rape apologist who had to cancel his planned rape legalization rallies because he didn't want to get his ass kicked by female boxers and nobody

wrote in to correct the part about the rallies or the rape apologies or the moose douche but a couple of people wrote in to object to our classification of ruch v and his followers as men's rights activists yeah for example alex left a comment on the blog that read, quote, complaints aren't valid i get you guys are all in with the feminism thing with lucinda but at least don't lie about shit when you're attempting to make accurate statements end quote okay so for the record uh they were calling their rallies pro-men rallies so if you're asking us to make a distinction between men's rights activists and pro-men activists we're splitting hairs so fine i worry about causing a nuclear reaction i think at best you could say he's like a really shitty men's rights activists but if it's truly a movement and not a club you don't get to decide

who counts and who doesn't and yes he said publicly i'm not an mra but his justification for that is stuff like you know because mra is a bunch of pussies that want to earn those rights. Well, I just want to take them and stuff like that. It's at least as shaky as Neil deGrasse Tyson's I'm not an atheist, but I don't believe in God pitch. Yeah. I mean, if we called him an activist for men's rights instead of a men's rights activist, wouldn't Alice be fine with it?

Because that's insane. Now, that being said, I think there is still some validity in the complaint. And a number of the people who emailed made much more valid arguments along the lines of, like, look, Rush V doesn't speak for the men's rights movement. And no one in the men's rights movement thinks of him as somebody who speaks. You know, but, you know, and that's valid. That's a fair point. So in that case, we may have been guilty of painting with too broad a brush.

So for that, I do apologize. Although I don't remember saying anything about that dude speaking for anyone. I remember that story kind of having the tone of, hey, look, this awful jackass got embarrassed. I'm being as generous as I can. Yeah. also uh he implied with that lucinda remark in the thing he implied that we could be forgiven for succumbing to feminism considering we know a woman well kind of yes it's kind of confusing to me and offensive to women i'm pretty sure probably uh point being to whatever extent alex dislikes feminism for being different than pro-gender equality, then he should equally dislike men's rights activism.

Yeah, right. Exactly. Fair point. Good point. Good, fair point. And that's all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets, and Facebook messages. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. Before we close the parentheses tonight, I wanted to let everybody know that Heath and I will be talking presidential politics on an upcoming episode

of Thomas Smith's Atheistically Speaking podcast. We're going to be recording that over the weekend if all goes as planned. I'm not sure when it's going to be available for public consumption, but we'll be sure to link it on all of our social media as soon as it's available. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't

wait that long, be on the lookout for the new episode of our sister show, Godawful Movies, on Tuesday at 8 a.m. Eastern Time or later than that at any point. And if even that won't tamp down your cravings, you can also get bonus nuggets of scatheism by following us on Twitter and or liking us on Facebook. Obviously, I'm not done talking yet if I haven't thanked the brilliant and aerodynamic Heath Enright for providing this show with so much perspicacity while adding so little wind resistance.

I need to thank the lovely and intellectually copious Lucinda Lusions for the repeated use of her wit and wisdom. I also want to thank Evan for providing our first filthy monkey sonnet to open the show. But most of all, of course, I need want to thank Evan for providing our first filthy monkey sonnet to open the show. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most booming humans, Richard, Teresa, Kevin, Rob,

Michael, William, Ross, Andrew, Ryan, Other, Ryan, Robin, and Tor. Richard, Teresa, Kevin, and Rob, who are so sexy, porn sites masturbate to them. Michael, William, Ross, and Andrew, whose dicks are so big

they'll only ever know what the head looked like a few minutes ago. And Ryan, Other, Ryan, Robin, and Tor, whose orgasms had to be subtracted out of the LIGO data. Together, this dozen deliciously deviant and diabolically dreamy disbelievers delivered

a damn daunting dispatch to the deceitful douche-drinking dickheads that duped the defenseless with dogmatic doctrine this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the unique set of positive qualities required for that kind of alliteration, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com

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comments or death threats you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. I mean penis, damn it! Oh, fuck!