The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 162: Vulgarity for Charity Edition

Episode Date: March 24, 2016

On this week’s episode, a creationist will prove the world’s 6000 years old with a thing that takes 10,000 years to form, the NFL finds a tiny patch of moral high ground right next to Georgia, and Eli will discover his destiny.

Warning, if we bleeped out all of the cuss words in this show, you'd mistake it for Morse code. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new web design service for futurist Christian churches that use the computer nets, Prayerspace.com. And just to be clear, we're talking about Hypertext Transfer Protocol, and we're talking about the World Wide Web, so don't be confused. First type in http://www.prayerspace, all one word, type out prayerspace without the space, then type.com, but don't spell out dot. Prayerspace, the fastest way to email your church's World Wide website onto the dial-ups. And now, the Skating Atheist. Son, what's wrong? You look surprised. We learned some weird new facts about evolution today. What was that?

Well, a long time ago, we were hairy, smelly animals. But over time, we evolved into humans. So what's the confusion? It was hard to believe, until now. Well, what changed your mind? You. Dad, please put your shirt on. You look like Chewbacca. I assure you that we

did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's March 24th. And atheism led to exactly zero terrorist attacks this week. Again, I'm no illusions. I'm Heath Enright. And from Jingo Unchained, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, a creationist will prove the world's 6,000 years old with a thing that takes 10,000 years to form.

The NFL finds a tiny patch of moral high ground right next to Georgia. Georgia wasn't using it. And Eli will discover his destiny. But first, the diatribe. The question was, what is today's slavery? And I bet you can already guess what my answer was. A couple weeks ago, I'm having lunch with a couple of history geek friends of mine, and the conversation eventually fell on that. Now, this is probably a conversation you've had before, right?

Like, when the people of the 25th century or whatever look back on us, what commonplace institution will they look back at the way we look at slavery now? You know, what aspects of our everyday life will they look back on and say, how the hell did people ever think it was okay to do that? And, you know, a few of the usual suspects get offered up, meat-eating, opposition to gay marriage, full contact sports was one of them, and then it's my turn, right? So I give them the best, you already know what I'm going to say, look, before I offer up religion. Now, the immediate reaction was a bunch of sighs and rolling eyes and expressions that said, damn it, you fanatic,

can't you dislike something else for a minute? And this was followed by a series of objections so vacuous that I was starting to wonder if the waiter had drugged our salsa. My buddy John goes, are you trying to say that religion is as bad as slavery, which is fucking insane coming from the guy whose answer was MMA. So I politely reminded him that's not the question. You know, Howard, the lone theist at the table, demanded that I point to one single immoral thing about religion, but very quickly rescinded that challenge. And then Ian, the peacemaker, he says, well, one way or the other, I think it's a little utopian. Like it or not, religion will always be there. So I politely reminded him that slavery is still there, too.

Again, not the question. But he dug in. He says, unlike meat-eating, opposition to marriage equality, and full-contact sports, religion serves a fundamental human need. Now, I'm sure he was trying to make some other point, but it seemed to me that he was just pointing out that I had the best answer, because slavery served the fundamental human need, too. Several of them. And it's no coincidence that the abolishment of slavery started right after the Industrial

Revolution and in the same country. You know, people no doubt recognize the immorality of slavery throughout history, but it wasn't until we found something that could replace the need for it that we actually got rid of it. We love to think about it like it was a triumph of uncompromising morality against this, you know, corrupt and entrenched institution. And certainly there was a lot of that, but the abolition of slavery was much more a response to market forces. You know, slavery didn't get any more immoral in the 19th century. It's just that the need for cheap human labor changed dramatically. In other words, the bulk of the opposition to slavery was formulated along the lines of, they're taking our jobs. And I think about that every time

I hear people declare religion's infinitude, because I'm sure people said the same thing about slavery. It's always been there, it always will be. Look, even atheists tend to reinforce the claim with appeals to the fundamental human needs that religion serves without the slightest recognition that their own existence refused that claim. I mean, sure, it serves all kinds of human needs, but obviously those same needs can be served by other things or we couldn't exist. And in the same way that technology slowly eradicated our need for slavery, the 40 million humans who still live in slavery notwithstanding, it can and will do the same thing with our need for religion. And not in some far-off utopian dream either. It's been happening for centuries now. I mean, any of us could easily point to a dozen former functions of religion that are now

better served by a secular alternative. And the idea that science is somehow going to stop doing that, or that there are going to be certain functions that will always be better served by religion, it seems to me that that's in more need of explanation than the assertion that science is just going to continue to do what it's been doing, answering questions and solving problems, and religion will continue to do what it's been doing. Nothing. Seems to me that science can't help but win that race, right? I mean, think about it. What's the biggest function of religion for most people? At least in the U.S., I just submit that it's their fear of mortality, right? Both their own mortality and the mortality of the people they love. And religion offers them a way out of that. You know, just set aside your reason

in this instance, and you get to believe that you're going to visit grandma again when you die. Now, a cynical person might look at what I'm saying and say, yeah, okay, fine. If science ever gives us immortality, well, then maybe religion will disappear at that point. But that's given religion way too much credit. Because religion doesn't actually give people immortality. It just promises it to them. And every religious person that ever cried at a funeral admitted to you just how shallow a respite that promise offered them. Hell, technology has already given us better immortality than religion, and I'd like to enter this diatribe as Exhibit A. You know, think about a kid born tomorrow. Grows old, has kids, has grandkids, then she dies.

Her son's missing her, so he pays some service, right, that digs through the internet archives and finds her old Facebook posts and her tweets and her YouTube videos, and it tells you what songs she favorited when she was a kid, and it's got recordings from the band that she played with in college and the blog that you never knew she started. That's real. That exists, and you don't have to wait until you die to get it. The point is, the need for heaven will always be inversely proportional to how good the real world is. And that's what makes the atheist mission so noble, by the way. We all know that the only way we can get there is to give people more control over their lives, to alleviate their suffering, to lessen scarcity, to advance knowledge, and by so doing, eradicate their need for God.

And if you want to dampen that hope by placing it at some impossibly distant point on the chronological horizon, I simply remind you that you exist. You are proof of concept. And apart from the extraordinarily high IQ and exemplary genitals, you're no different from everybody else. You have the same fundamental needs they do, and you're able to satisfy them all with no God. And ultimately, that's why I think the death of religion is more than possible. It's inevitable. You know, all the things that you're using to serve those God needs and shit, those are only going to get better while religions stay the same. And meanwhile, religion's promises might get bigger, but that's just going to make their results seem all the more disappointing. You know, you keep running that forward and it's not going

to take long for everybody to realize that eating a morsel is better than imagining a feast. They're talking about your Jesus. is better than imagining a feast. They're talking about your Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is ulterior motivational speaker Heath Enright. Heath, are you ready to share the secrets of a thriving and successful workplace? Give your employees more money.

That would do it. That's what we're all trying to get. In our lead story tonight, secular humanists as a group continue to have not bombed anyone. And it's not because we don't want to. It's just that the religion of peace is so damn good at it. It's kind of their thing. They want to step on their toes. And as I'm sure I'm not the one breaking this to you, for the sake of the people listening in archives, I should note that two days ago, a coordinated series of bombings in Brussels killed at least 30 people and injured hundreds more.

ISIS claimed responsibility within minutes of the attack, though to be fair, that would have been our guess. I mean, they didn't have to. Yeah, and apparently they were fighting back against the imperialist menace that is Belgium. Yeah. They're almost the size of Moldova at this point. How brave of them. But of course, ISIS wasn't the only group exploiting this tragedy within minutes. U.S. presidential hopefuls were just as quick to social media to offer up their apologetics and or racist tirades. Hillary Clinton, for her part, called for more surveillance in the wake of these attacks because we can't afford a surveillance gap. Though, to her credit, she did stop short of saying, I mean, what kind of asshole would want to keep their emails protected from surveillance anyway? Yeah. And also, how are we supposed to spy on

more than all the Muslims in the country? Right, yeah. Two spies for each one? What are we doing? I'm working in shifts. Of course, luckily for Hillary, the suggestion that America is suffering from a shortage

of government intrusion was dwarfed in stupidity by her counterparts on the other side of the aisle. While Trump was promising to turn the country into, quote, one of those rooms

like Jodie Foster had in Panic Room room i can't remember what they're called and quote ted cruz was hard at work blaming political correctness and immigrants whilst redoubling his promise to see how many nuclear warheads it takes to make sand luminesce uh yeah it's the political correctness that's the big sticking point yeah that's why all these bleeding heart liberals don't want to nuke the entire region full of innocent civilians, because that would be politically incorrect. Right. It's an etiquette thing. Ethnic depopulation, please.

Sorry. And before we move off the subject, I'm going to get all kind of angry emails if I don't mention what Bernie said. So I just want to preempt those by pointing out that this is a bit on stupid reactions to the attack. He just had a well-reasoned and touching, very presidential response, and that's his own fault. Nobody to blame for that but himself. You're not going to get pressed like that, Bernie. No, hell no, not this time.

And in pro-Diluvian news, Wayne Probst of Tyler, Texas, made headlines last week after digging up what he claims to be the fossil of a snail from that big flood the world had, which kind of sounds inaccurate. Or to be fair, though, it might just be meaningless. I'll give him that. But either way, it's one of the best creationist archaeology discoveries we've seen in a long time.

And what makes this one so exciting, unlike previous attempts to use rocks from before the universe existed as evidence to prove that an angry Jewish ghost dropped a vapor canopy out of the sky that flooded the entire world 4,500 years ago, unlike those failures in the past, this one just happened. Yeah. Brand new. Still failing as we speak. We live in exciting times. Okay, well, you already sound skeptical.

A little bit. But keep in mind, the claim has already been verified by an expert in the field named Joe Taylor. Has it? Yeah. In fact, he didn't even need to examine the thing. It was so obvious right away that it was a genuine Old Testament snail. It was so obvious right away that it was a genuine Old Testament snail. According to Taylor, who some would call the creationist fossil guy of East Texas, according to him, quote, I've never heard of anything about that from over there.

I'm surprised he found it there. End quote. Oh. Or in other words, without all the technical jargon, he's he's saying yes it's definitely a snail from god's flood there's no question right right yeah it's hard to unravel all his if you don't know the lingo right right well okay so this expert runs the mount blanco fossil museum and if you visit their website the first thing you're going to see is an ad for his book about how mastodon fossils are actually femurs from those giants in Genesis. And to his credit, of course, he wouldn't need to examine it because it's a fossil.

It takes as long for them to form as the earth is old. So they're all from the flood. Oh, no, no. That does make sense. Good. You're starting to come around. Okay. Yeah.

You're starting to come around. Okay. Yeah. And as long as we're being fair and balanced, I think it's also worth noting that this Noah's flood fossil probably makes perfect sense if you check the latest geology textbooks in Tyler, Texas. Probably, yeah. And also, also, when they dug it up, it was mostly dry, which means it was probably, you know, wet from the flood and then got dry.

Of course. It, of course. It fits all together. And also, the wet part was probably from the flood, from the wetness. Yes, exactly. And finally, perhaps most telling of all, the snail was circumcised. Oh!

So, lots to think about. The foreskins don't usually get preserved. Yeah, exactly. You're not going to get from Holy Land to Texas. That's crazy. Snail? Really? And in sincerely held disbelief news tonight, Georgia governor and main bad guy from every

blaxploitation movie, Nathan Deal, is keeping the nation in suspense over whether or not he'll sign his state's dripping with bigotry version of RFRA into law. Very exciting. The bill passed through Congress in an 11th hour vote last Wednesday designed specifically to happen right after our last episode was already recorded. The governor now has until May 3rd to decide whether to sabotage his own state's economy just to placate despicable homophobes who don't want to share their diners with queers. And apparently this is a difficult decision.

Tough call. Yeah. All right. So try to help him out. I'm going to try to explain this as simply as possible for the governor. So, Nate, buddy, you know how women pretty much never walk up to you in a diner and then smash their vagina onto your face? You know how that never happens? Pretty much never happens. Well, the gay men in the next booth are opting away from putting their dicks in your mouth for the exact same reasons the exact same reasons and trust me you'll be fine yeah and so the bill mirrors similar efforts in indiana and arkansas both in the bill's language and in the reaction from business leaders when it looked like it was going to pass corporations like apple intel paypal and yelp have

called on the governor to veto the bill the human rights campaign is calling on hollywood to boycott the state if the bill is signed and the nfl has made it clear to veto the bill. The Human Rights Campaign is calling on Hollywood to boycott the state if the bill is signed. And the NFL has made it clear that signing the bill might cost the city of Atlanta its chance to host an upcoming Super Bowl. And still, apparently, this is a difficult decision. Oh, oh, also, it's cruel and disgusting and reinforces the most bigoted state thing

you guys have been justifiably saddled with ever since you were a colony. And still, this is a difficult decision. And in scrolling on Shabbos news tonight, as part of an investigation into fraudulent use of education subsidies, the FBI raided about two dozen ultra-Orthodox Jewish private yeshivas in Ramapo, New York, last week. Apparently, these schools have been receiving millions of dollars

in federal funding through a program called E-Rate, which is meant to pay for improvements in technology resources for students. But, considering the community we're talking about thinks the internet is evil, it became pretty obvious

that the receipts for data service and wireless routers were probably bullshit. Right. Yeah, I mean, when the Amish guy lists his profession as Uber driver, I think you're that the receipts for data service and wireless routers were probably bullshit right yeah i mean when the amish guy lists his profession as uber driver i think you're allowed to just pre-convict yes so this must have been fun though for these fbi agents they walk into these schools uh all right rabbi it says here that you guys spent three million dollars in federal grants on information technology so uh i'm gonna start you with an easy one, real easy one. Name any three computer words and you're off the hook.

Any three words about computers, electricity, anything like that. Broadband with giga meg... Too slow. Too slow. I'm going to need you to show me this alleged computer lab you guys built with the money. They open a door. It's just an empty boiler room with cups and strings tied to each other.

A bunch of two-sided dreidels hanging out. Okay, you're all going to jail. What? What? These dreidels are wireless. They're wireless dreidels and an ear roof that's like a broadband. It's a band that's broad. And finally tonight in Trolling Down the River news,

the Tri-State Free Thinkers, a group representing nonbelievers in Ohio, Indiana, and Kentucky, has started a fundraising campaign to remind people headed to Ken Ham's Ark Park what they're really in store for. This is fantastic. If the campaign is successful, the group will rent billboards on highways leading to the park depicting a giant picture of the Ark with a few drowning people below it next to the words, Genocide and incest park celebrating 2 000 years of myths which is exactly what happened in that story yeah i still don't

understand why christians like to draw attention to the noah story it's great like here's what happens just to be clear giant flood global genocide and then best case scenario farmer fucks his daughter on a boat amidst a giant orgy of livestock. Right. Best case scenario. And just because I have that bookmarked on YouPorn doesn't mean I approve of it. Now, apparently the billboard will cost him about two grand per billboard per month, but

just to sweeten the pot, they've added a phenomenally awesome incentive. If you donate $500 or more, they're going to actually use your picture as one of the doomed heathens drowning below Noah and his nautical petting zoo. if you donate 500 or more they're going to actually use your picture as one of the doomed heathens drowning below noah and his nautical petting zoo and if that's not enough by the way they also promised that if they raise over 150 million dollars they'll build an actual genocide and incest park yet another reason for eli to get that crazy billionaire money and also the reason we're going to go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock. Oh, obviously. Ideas for the genocide and or incest themed theme park. Go.

All right. Well, if I'm not mistaken, Dollywood is already incest themed. So, I mean, I feel like we could just add a tunnel of Oedipal love and we're all set. Yeah. It's kind of like a trailer themed park. Yeah, right. Okay. Nice work on the incest.

I'm going to start with genocide. What about Joseph Coney Island? Oh, nice. What about the Washington Redskins? Yeah, right. Dan Snyder and his entire business. All right, I'm going back for more incest. How about Six Fingers Over Texas?

On the one hand. Polydactyl Land. Nice. Okay, this one's for Ken Ham. The Ark Encounter. if dinosaurs weren't gay on the boat then why aren't there still dinosaurs that sounds like ken ham yeah um okay uh well i feel like you can only do incest so many times before you get diminishing returns so uh i don't know 18 kids and counting right yeah but but yeah but the kids just keep getting crappier. So I'm going to move on to genocide.

I'm going to go with Nanking's Dominion. What about... So Disney World Riyadh, the Tragic Kingdom. They're genociding people, right? Probably. Are they genociding people? You know what? They need a good genocidal mascot, somebody to really inspire them.

And I'm thinking... Good idea. Mickey Mao Zedong would be perfect for the job. All right. What about... I'm sorry. Are you imagining Mao with the ears as well? How could you not?

Crazy, scary poster behind. Yeah. All right. What about Neverland Ranch? You must be this white to enter the park. There's some genocide or incest in there somewhere, right? Something. Big around.

Bring your brother. We'll go for incest. Latoya was there. Well, at the very least, we'll give him incest on that. How about Rwanderland? You could build it right where Tootsie World used to be. Right? Yeah.

Yeah, with the Tootsie Roller Coaster, right. Exactly. Alright, and keeping in mind that there were puppies on the Ark, too. Think about it. What about the Bark Encounter theme park? The yappiest place on Earth. And now that it's too late

to wrap up the headlines before it's too late, we'll wrap up the headlines. It was consensual in that reference. Heath, thanks as always. Can jam. And when we come back, Muhammad will bitch about Jews some more. Last week, we had Connor Robinson from the Humanist Service Corps

on to talk about a really important fundraiser. And as expected, our listeners once again overwhelmed us with their generosity. So Connor sent me an email yesterday in appreciation and asked if I could share it with you. Connor writes, Dear Noah, please convey to your listeners how moved we are by their generosity. When we started this fundraiser on global giving, we were dreaming small. In order to earn a permanent spot on global giving, our partner organization, Songtaba, needed to raise $5,000 from 40 unique donors during the open challenge. We weren't even sure we'd be able to raise $3,000. Still, we had to try. Up until only a few weeks ago, Songtaba had no way to receive online donations at all. Who knew what we could do

if we rallied the atheist community behind their cause? Cut to a week ago when dozens of scathing atheist listeners helped us smash through that $5,000 and 40 unique donors goals on the way to securing a $1,000 prize on Donation Match Day. We've had way more than 40 unique donors from the Scathing Atheist podcast alone. With two days left in the open challenge, we are in first place for unique donors out of 233 campaigns. That would not be the case if it wasn't for your listeners. Not even close. When the dust settles from this fundraising competition, I'll send you exact numbers on the impact of the scathing atheist listeners for now let me simply say that you've given us renewed energy for this work thank you

now at the time of this record the total donations are well over ten thousand dollars with further yet to climb and while i'm sure you were fully motivated to give through the simple power of your altruism we did offer a couple of, including an outrageous compliment to you and a vicious insult to the person of your choice. And damn it, you guys earned some compliments and insults. And of course, if we're going to do vulgarity for charity and we're going to do it right, that's going to require the assistance of legendary cinematic masochist Eli Bosnick. Eli, welcome back, sir.

My body is ready. This is what you're for, dude. This is what you were made for if there was a destiny mcguire moment and i am on a ton of steroids by the way you cannot see my neck insulting enhancing drugs i love it that's awesome if anyone had those all right so we're gonna dive right in first up we've got dean who has more talents than Solomon's Vault, and he'd like to get you guys going with an insult for his band, The Astounds. I've got a clip off of their band camp right here. Have a quick listen and tell me what you think.

I think Weezer finally met Yoko Ono. And that's awesome. Sounds like Rivers Cuomo dying of gunshot wounds outside of the Dakota building while he sings. Oh my God, you guys sound like the Libertines, but without the decency to overdose on heroin. Yeah, this is the musical equivalent of that novel you've been working on. Great job. All right, so next up we have a donor whose name i'm sure to mispronounce i believe it's um chatil whose dick occupied multiple european countries way before the lhc made it cool and he'd like you to send an insult to the soldiers of odin okay so for those who don't know who those people are they're like finland's

version of the neo-nazis and they pretend to be quote-unquote patrolling the streets but all they do is like bother immigrants And it's really hard. I mean, Finland's version of the neo-Nazis is already such a good insult, but how about you look like a secret brotherhood of where Scandinavia has been keeping all its unattractive people. They look like a gang of, like, early 90s white supremacist rollerblading drug dealers that gets foiled by Corey Haim. Yeah.

Also, they look like they danced their shorts off at David's Bar Mitzvah where they all got the same shiny jacket. Yes. Which is a weird choice for a neo-Nazi gang uniform. Also, you all sound like the last thing Dawkins said before his schroke. That's probably not a coincidence, actually. Alright, we're going to give you guys a challenge here. Next up, we've got Daryl and Kelly, whose opinions carry so much weight they have to use the freight

elevator, and they would like you to insult Chris Christie and Mother Teresa, respectively. But I'm going to give you guys a twofer challenge. Can you cast dispersions on both of those targets with a single insult? Okay, both at once. Alright, I imagine... Chris Christie and Mother Teresa... Sorry, okay, both at once. All right. Chris Christie and Mother Teresa.

Sorry, not at the same time. Yeah, same time. Not in unison, though. You go first. You go first. Okay, I imagine the Filipino boy Chris Christie has hired to describe his penis to him probably just describes Mother Teresa to him instead. probably just describes Mother Teresa to him instead. I don't want to lift that name.

Please meet your Christy. And by the way, if you watch time-lapse video of a 20-sack from White Castle decomposing, it looks like Chris Christie morphing into Mother Teresa. Oh, does it? Also, I have one extra that's just for Chris. When you were up there with Donald, you answered the age-old question of what if Jabba had been the slave instead of Leia?

All right, so next up we have Tyler, whose girlfriend Maddie is so gorgeous she could alter Michelangelo's David without touching it, and he would like you to insult his friend Clint I have a picture here okay uh Clint looks like he's disappointed about losing that audition for brawny paper towels also kind of looks like he just got beat up by AC Slater and in this picture yeah yeah you look like you founded the young republicans club at your high school to get chicks. You look like the Donald Trump

third son who got all the extra chromosomes. And that's a lot of extra chromosomes. Next up is Christy, whose IQ has more O's than a phone sex operator, and she'd like us to insult Meg's baby. Got a picture of the baby as well. Oh, come on! That's not cool!

That has the inside-out face thing, right? Come on. Shame on you, Christy. Those things live for three days. Lemon law. Also, Meg, that's irresponsible to have a child when you have the Zika virus. No matter how cute they look in hats. Yeah, clearly Christy's baby is at least a million times better.

Next up is Grant, whose balls are so big that he has to pull into the weigh stations even if he's driving a smart car and he would like us to insult Phil Duck Dynasty Robertson. Oh, I've been preparing for this moment for years. Your face is an insult to 70s Bush. He looks like a lawn gnome of a

rabbi that somehow grew naturally out of a tree. You look like the only homeless ent. All right, that's pretty damn good. And after that, we have Michael, whose neuronal pathways have traffic reports, and he donated his insult to Ohio governor and presidential hopeless John Kasich. Wow, what can I say that hasn't already been said by the people of Ohio? Yeah, right. John, I agree with your dad. Quote, nobody cares that you're running for president and you look like if the word erectile

dysfunction had a Patronus. John Kasich looks like Bob Costas lived right outside of Chernobyl. It's a plausible origin story. Next up, we have Paul, who's so cool and fruity, even his towel has a towel. And he'd like a long overdue insult for Hitchhiker Guide's infinitely prolonged roast master, Bauerick Wowbagger. He's a jerk, a complete asshole. Yeah, a no good dumbo nothing. A fat arse indeed.

Okay, next up is Leone, who's so hot the sun has to wear Leone cream. And she would like us to insult Ray Comfort. Did somebody say my name? Oh, holy shit, a special guest appearance. Ray, how are you, sir? Oh, God, he smells like a dirty car. Pretty fantastic, pretty fantastic. You know, there's no atheist charities.

Well, no, Ray, there are. That is literally what this is. We're thanking a bunch of atheists who helped raise over $10,000 for women accused of witchcraft through an atheist charity. Nay, nay, you didn't. Yeah, we did. Look, see the website? It's right here. We did.

Well, how do you know they're not really witches? Dude, there's no such thing as a witch. Of course there's witches. I got this book right here. It talks all about them. Oh, the Bible? Oh, wait, that's... Dude, is that Harry Potter? Yeah. Um, Ray, do you just think

all books are true? Just everything that... Yeah, yeah, of course. They wouldn't put it in a book if it wasn't true. Oh, shit. Now, I have to be honest. I just, I feel kind of, I feel kind of bad now. Uh, yeah. Well, gentlemen, I'd love to stay and chat, but there's a girl with a Oh shit Now I have to be honest I just I feel kinda I feel kinda bad now Uh yeah Well gentlemen I'd love to stay in chat

But there's a girl With a polar bear Trying to kill God And I've gotta stop her Alright well See you later right We still We still

Have to insult you I do believe So better to do that After you leave I guess You look like a racist cop From the 80s Got stranded on an island With nothing but a hair trimmer

Stuck on number four You look like Dreyer Lint got fucked by one of those people from the Hills Have Eyes. Alright, next up we've got Bill, whose whole dick can only be photographed from space, and even then you'd need an ECU lens if you wanted to get the tip in focus, and he would like us to insult

our buddy Tom from Cognitive Dissonance. Aw, I like Tom. Well, yeah, I know, but Bill did give him a hundred bucks, so... Okay. Well, yeah, I know, but Bill did give him a hundred bucks, so... Okay. Well, you look like someone Google-imaged ex-IRA bomber mashed potatoes. Tom looks like you have to jump on his head three times

to get past him in Dr. Non-Country. Also, I don't want Cecil to feel left out. Oh, right, right. So you look like you got fired from a Greek restaurant for inappropriate contact with the cheese. We're going to arrest you, Cecil. We're going to arrest you. You can take your uniform and go,

or we can call the cops. You can't take the cheese. The cheese stays, man. We're going to just cut around that part. Yeah, Cecil also looks like he guards a volcano lair very badly, incompetently guarding a volcano lair. Hey, see, we can have podcast drama too, damn it. Okay, next up I've got another twofer,

and this one should be extra hard because both involve groups of people. So this is for Melissa and Matthew, whose IQs have more digits than a Hindu goddess. And they would like you to insult the religious assholes trying to take over our hospitals and health care systems and Palos Hills Christian Assembly. Go. Ooh, okay. How about since they seem to be the same people, your website is worse than Nambla's and you all look like the movie Gremlins had been about not feeding the mogwai pasta after midnight and before midnight. You're all fat.

You're fat. I see. Are we still doing cognitive dissonance? All right. Tom and Cecil look like Bebop and Rocksteady at the Ninja Turtles ice capades. All right. How about evil Dr. Mike, whose cock gives the volcano his hideout as in ejecta envy, and he'd like you to insult the Prime Minister of Australia, Malcolm Turnbull. Okay.

Well, he looks like he hired Cecil from Cognitive Distance to guard his volcano layback. Yeah, like somebody Jack Reacher would headbutt near the end. Right, yes. You look like Christoph Waltz lost a bet to tie-dye his teeth yellow. Seriously, man, just crest. Get those strips twice a day. You look like you paid someone to pee in your mouth just now, but all the time.

You know what? I bet there's a lot of Australians that would just volunteer for that duty. So while that image remains in your mind forever, we also have Ben, whose erections routinely last more than four doctors, and he's got another politician for us, Jeremy Hunt from the UK. Oh, okay. You look like alternate universe Doctor Who.

Like, if instead of the Doctor, you were the child molester. Like, Gallifrey's last remaining child molester, traveling through space and time to rim a nine-year-old. God, it looks like an in-house defense lawyer for a rapey fraternity. That's uncanny. And then we've got Glenn, whose intellect makes Will Hunting look like Will Ferrell, and he would like us to do Dinesh D'Souza. All right, excellent. Dinesh D'Souza looks like Koopa Troopa just woke up.

I'm in a lot of trouble. Oh, that's so good. It's funny because it's true. You look like you unsuccessfully tried to start a black Republican school at that school from Slumdog Millionaire. I could care about more than one issue. Maybe we do all smell different. All right. Well, there's actually a bunch of insults left, but we still have a couple of suras to break down this week.

So we're going to hold off on the rest of them until next week. But I did want to do one more. And this one is from James, whose condoms are ribbed for structural support and he wants us to insult his dad and not in a playful way by the way his dad's name is terry and he's a vicious nugget of freeze-dried monkey shit he thinks obama's the devil he's physically incapable of wearing shirts with sleeves or without harley davidson logos and also he disowned his son for not loving jesus enough oh so this guy's like an actual you can't't-be-an-atheist dad? More like an I'll-go-out-of-my-way-to-sabotage-your-life-because-you're-an-atheist dad.

Oh, excellent. Well, then, Terry, I've got a special super insult for you. And honestly, Terry, I don't think this is just for you. I think this is for all the religious dads out there who we get to hear about from listeners who just couldn't handle their kid leaving the cult of Sky Daddy. So you decided to be the bad guy from a Lifetime movie and said, you see, Terry, you're not a bully or a bigot or stupid. You want me to call you those things because bullies have power and bigots have opinions and stupid is a stupid does. No, Terry, you are a coward. And the best possible insult I could give you and every other shitty parent out there that couldn't stand having a child with the ability to reason is to tell you that you missed out on having a son like James.

A son who listens to someone he's never met online, asks for help, and reaches into his pocket to give people he's never met and never will. Because you've got a son who reaches across the world to help women in need, and if it were a couple hundred years ago, you'd be the guy holding the torch. One of the most bizarre things about the Quran, if you ignore all the vicious anti-Semitism, misogyny, and calls for nearly indiscriminate murder and warfare, is the chapter titles. Thus far, they've had almost nothing to do with the subject the chapter actually discusses, and it took me a full six surahs to realize that that's because you can't call all the chapters, I hate Jews and Christians are wrong, too. you can't call all the chapters, I hate Jews and Christians are wrong, too. So tonight we'll be breaking down the table and the cattle instead of fuck the Jews and the horses they rode in on. By the way, it says the word Jews 22 times just in the fifth surah alone.

Might as well push the Jews down on the playground and pull their hair. No kidding. Muhammad wants some Jewish dick real bad. And obviously we can't do this breakdown without the mellifluous contributions of the lovely Lucinda Lusions. Lucinda, welcome back. I'd just like you guys to know

that I had to read this thing at a laundromat in Georgia with a Trump sign in the front window. Oh, wow. I'm not exactly demanding hazard pay here, but I'm just pointing out that I probably deserve it. You have probably earned it, yes. It was not pleasant. And of course, still on the line with us is

Eli Bosnick. Eli, I hope you didn't wipe out your insult meter already. Oh, I've been mean since 1997. It's not slowing down now. All right, good, good. All right, so when we last saw our hero in episode 159, he was bitching about how the Jews were wrong about God, and we're going to pick back up in Surah 5, the table, with him bitching about how the Jews were wrong about God, and we're going to pick back up in Surah 5, the table, with him bitching about how the Jews are wrong about food. Yeah, this is the chapter about food, like you said, so naturally,

the very first verse has a reference to bestiality. And it looks like this had to be added later in my copy. It says, lawful to you, for food, in parentheses, lawful to you for food, parentheses lawful to you are all the beasts of cattle except the ones that you know we're gonna ban in the rest of this book so it's stupid which means there are originalists saying like you know hold on i'm pretty sure the intent was eat or fuck it's not clear where's the the ant and Scalia of Islam? I think they have plenty of ant and Scalia's in Islam, actually.

Also, this verse ends with the following quote. It says, lo, Allah ordaineth that which pleaseth him, end quote. And the translation of that would be approximately, whatever, I do what I want. That seems a lot like Cartman so far. Yeah, and apparently among the animals you can't kill are those wearing garlands. Yeah. I personally am much more interested in where the animal got the garland. Like, how is there a Liberace cow? Oh, are we going to the slaughterhouse?

Because I am ready to go. I'm just picturing, like, a very swaggery walking dog. Oh, are we going to the slaughterhouse? Because I am ready to go. Stop it. I'm just picturing like a very swaggery walking dog. Can't have that one. Also, and we're going to hear this over and over again, no bird's blood or bacon, or animals that have been slaughtered in the name of any other god. So if you eat lunch with a Muslim and you want to keep pissing them off, just bless their food in the name of Thor.

Like one french fry at a time. I bless that french fry in the name of Thor. God damn it, dude. Stop it. Start all over. You still want it? You still want it? Thor's. Thor's. Odin's. Fujin's. It also says, no eating roadkill. I'm thinking to myself, how fast were vehicles

moving back then? They had to make a rule about it. I don't know. Also, don't strangle the animal to death. Beat it to death or make it jump off a cliff. You know you want to. If that's what you were thinking. Also, no eating cows that fall out of the sky. Right.

That would be bad. And this is my favorite. You can't eat an animal that got killed by another animal but you can steal a partially eaten live animal from its predator you know if it's like almost dead like not quite dead oh i see so like if a dingo eats half a baby alive you can still eat the rest as long as you kill the kid yourself without strangling him right my version says quote as long as you deliver the fatal blow end end quote. So if there weren't already enough reasons to hate Muslim God, he's in favor of kill-stealing. Come on.

That's just rude. Three League of Legends nerds are like, woo! Yeah, apparently the rules about animals were made by the knights who say knee. Right. Bring us an animal corpse! But not roadkill. Not too expensive uh also this was weird to put in here but muhammad cannot stress this enough if he sees any sort of coin flipping or lot casting or

one potato two potato anything like that it is big trouble hells yeah we play rock paper scissors best two out of three it's always two out of three. God damn it. Yep. And the prescription for post-pooping prayers is wipe some clean sand on your face. Because you know, who doesn't have clean sand after a good shit? It's ridiculous. If you're not clean, rub some dirt in. That's his honest advice. Clean sand. Okay, Mo, but what if they don't have water?

I'll give them some clean sand. Clean sand, right? I love clean sand. You don't have clean sand. Clean sand, right? I love clean sand. I hate the juice. Look at this cult they got me. Speaking of which, I want to compliment Muhammad here.

Made it a whole 12 verses before he laid in with the Jew hate. That's a new record as well, so good job, Quran. Compliment sandwich. Waiting for it. Yes, it is. Then in verse 12, we find out that God received a pledge from the children of Israel. Of course, it says Jews. Yeah, just in case you didn't know.

And they obviously broke it. So he cursed them. And that's why they're all deceitful and Jew-y. But be nice to them anyway. They can't help it. I'm not editorializing, by the way. It says this. Well, he's also equal them anyway. They can't help it. I'm not editorializing by the way. It says this. Well, he's also equal opportunity here. He hates on Christians afterwards.

At least he's hitting on both. I mean, it's like two sentences and you can tell his heart's not really in it. Yeah, this Mohammed's version of atheists making fun of Buddhists. We mean it. We just don't mean it. It's the same as taking a nap or anything.

Well, he does say that God could killesus and the whore that birthed him though but yeah you can tell he's way more enthusiastic about his jew hate though yeah oh yeah that comes from the heart also i just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge how much i had been sold on the like muslims view jesus as a prophet too apologetic and this is just like us being like, you know, the Joker talks about Batman all the time. So really, they're buds. And I have to say, I totally didn't get his take on Cain and Abel here. There was some kind of weird Joe Pesci raven that showed up and helped him hide the body or something. Right.

What the fuck was that all about? I don't remember that. I read this paragraph eight goddamn times. It was fucking nonsense. The version of the story is basically God took Abel's offering. So Cain was like, I'm going to kill you because God only likes people who fear him. And Abel was like, I'm not going to kill you even if you kill me first. And then God sent a bird.

Cain was like, I'm just like that bird. Reflect for a moment that one of the major apologetics of Islam is how elegant the language is. I'm sitting there going, man, I got to stop reading this drunk. I got to, you know, no more of this. No, it doesn't help. You definitely don't want to do this sober. Then we get the clearest example of Muhammad's bipolar disorder so far. So immediately after telling everybody how God hates murder and if you kill somebody, you kill all of mankind. See, I thought he got that from my Twitter feed this morning.

I'm not saying that he didn't. Anyway, but right after that, he launches into this tirade. Quote, those that make war against God and his messenger and spread disorder in the land shall be put to death or crucified or have their hands and feet cut off on alternate sides or be banished from the country. End quote. I don't know if you get a choice of those. Also, credit to John Meadows Rodwell. In my translation, it says, he who slayeth anyone unless it be a person guilty of manslaughter

or of spreading disorder in the land shall be as though he has slain all mankind so you know okay thou shalt not kill unless it's maddie broderick or trump he hit a kid with his car you can google that drinking and i have to say so far i honestly find the amount of jew hate in this book staggering i mean i knew it was going to be in there but it's honestly every third verse that we're hearing about how terrible and awful these Jews are. It's ridiculous. It's like second only to the Old Testament in that respect.

Yeah. I feel like, you know how they constantly do those prank videos where they show someone something from the Bible and they'll be like, that's from the Koran. Everyone will be like, ah, they should be white supremacists with the Koran and be like, yeah, this was David Duke. And they'll be like, yeah, fucking A, David Duke. And we'd go over to the Koran, fuck, I'm a mole. And just when I thought they'd forgotten us, it also tells Muslims not to befriend, quote, disbelievers who ridicule your religion and make just of it. The Eli Bob.

End quote. Yeah. If anyone seems to be enjoying this book, kill them right now. Yeah. If anyone seems to be enjoying this book, kill them right now. Yeah. We also learned that if you get into a jam, ask the Jews the following question. Do you resent us just because we believe in the real revelations of God? Semicolon. And most of you are sinners. Question mark. I love the construction of this question. Basically, a sphincter says what? Also, according to verse 60, non-Muslims are apes and swine and those who worship the evil. And as bad as that sounds on us, it means that no matter how bad it gets, Muslims aren't allowed to eat you. See? Twitter says we just look at the negative compliments. But he wants to be clear on the hate distribution here.

In verse 81, he makes it clear that the Jews and the polytheists are the worst. Oh, yeah. And Christians are the least worst. But they're all lying evildoers that you can't play soccer with. By the way, I've slightly revised this list. Mine goes up. People who spend forever wiping off the machine at the gym. People who get to the front of the line at Starbucks

but don't know what they want, and Christians. So, you know, one out of three, me and Mo were always there. It was almost prophetic. And then we get to the shitting on alcohol portion of the book. In verse 90, we learn that Satan is behind intoxicants, gamblings, casting stones, and divining arrows. The hell is that? Because how many families have we all seen torn apart by divining arrows. How is that? Because how many families have we all seen torn apart by divining arrows?

So I actually had to look this up and this is basically, so divining arrows is basically lawn darts version of the magic eight ball. Okay. According to Wikipedia, they would write, God orders me, God forbids me and nothing on three arrows and then shoot all three at the same time. And whichever one shot the farthest was the command.

So Satan works on the same principle as a $3 toy from Hasbro. Muslims are also reminded not to ask a bunch of stupid questions if the stuff in this book doesn't make sense to them. If it doesn't make sense, that's the flaw in you, not the book. So fuck off. Yep, it actually says fuck off. Yep, yep. I think part of the lesson here was don't ask if you look fat in this burka.

I mean, everyone looks like a burka in a burka. But you're probably fat if you ask that. Point being, don't ask questions if you're going to get pissed about the answer. Well, better yet, just don't ask questions.

Yeah, right. Yeah, that was the message I took from it. Anyway, that's the end of that one. Then we get our first Mechansura, which are supposedly less killy. I've got to say, I heard a lot of shit about the prophetic nature of the Quran, and I don't think we can summarily discount it here. I mean, he predicted

that we would be mocking him over and over again in this thing, and that's pretty accurate. True. From where I'm sitting, anyway. The general message here was all you atheists are going to hell for eternity, and we're the idiots for carrying a compass into the men's room? We're the stupid ones, really?

We're doing trig before we take a shit, and you're the smart ones? Really? Come on. We also get more talk of the supposed evidence for God that we keep rejecting, and as near as I can tell, the data he's talking about is how many generations of Muslim people God killed and also rivers. I mean, there are rivers. You can't explain that.

He also preemptively tackles the why is there no evidence question by explaining that if he did send evidence, people would want more evidence. And fuck all that, it's too much work. You know, if you give a mouse a revelation,'s gonna want to class right we also learned that god's gonna punish all the jews and atheists on the day of resurrection quote about which there is no doubt end quote and uh that's a phrase that means we're lying about the lynchpin of a cop. Yes. It's never like math textbook, about which there is no doubt. It's not pyramid selling. It's not pyramid selling.

In 19, we get some instructions in case we were just about to submit to Allah and didn't know how. And the key is that it's not enough to just tell him he has the biggest dick. You have to tell him he has the only dick. That's the key. The only way it'll work. And we keep getting assigned these horrible arguments that don't work it's it's fully these scripted exchanges that muslims are going to have with heathens and it's always like okay atheists are in check so they have to say dumb thing b2 and then you do the whole book feels like a fight with your girlfriend and you're

an asshole when you don't use the same lines you were using in her head when she worked out the whole fight ahead of time. Right. Yeah, this book is the religious version of Think Like a Man. Okay, more religious version. More religious. Slightly more religious version. This is like a choose-your-own-adventure novel for an argument with Jews. My finger was on the page.

And here's some irresponsible shit to tell people. In verse 32, it's talking about how this life is just the preface and stuff. And it actually says, the life of this world is but a sport and a pastime. Yeah. Gee, I wonder why he would want people to think that dying was not a big deal. Yeah. Five surahs, and this is our third reminder that dying isn't so bad. This is the pushing on the back of someone's head of suicide bombing.

I get it, man. I get what you – give me a second. I need water. I want to die thirsty. And also, just in case anyone's curious, Allah knows about all the leaves and all the dirt. Oh, good. And it doesn't matter if you're talking about wet or dry he specifies like wow he knows about all the dry leaves no any moisture level of leaves

and dirt and this guy knows about it i'm in i'm in wow and over and over again he offers up another great way to convince the stubborn non-believer but it's it's it's like hey you know god could turn your testicles inside out anytime he wants to, but he hasn't. So if there's no God, how do you explain your testicles not being turned inside out? Yeah, I don't explain that. Checkmate, I do believe. I believe that's referred to

as the two for flinching theological. The two. Right. This manual is a little more pushy than the game by Neil Strauss. Also, it says in verse 68, and if you're ever talking to somebody and they start pointing out glaring contradictions in this book, go somewhere else until they start talking about something else. Oh, yeah. Not because we're afraid you'll realize this book is full of shit, of course, but because, you know, Satan. Well, obviously.

but because you know safe well obviously how terrible does it speak for this book that when i read this i thought to myself man wouldn't that be nice if they just walked away wasn't true if there was just a plague of people walking away from danish cartoonists yeah right and then god's list and all the cool shit he, like the sun and the moon and stuff like that. And he says, it is I who set up for you the stars that you might be guided by them in the midst of the darkness of land and sea. And I have a couple issues with this.

First of all, you also made the clouds, so fuck you. But second, and more importantly, like baby turtles have little compasses in their heads. You could have given us those. It seems so much more efficient than creating a whole galaxy just so that we know which way is north. If you think I'm not picturing a literal compass inside the skull of each and every turtle, you don't know me at all. Me too.

That's how it works. A little metal. Me too. It's adorable. And either way, why not put the magic black box thing on the North Pole? That's just a dick move. Don't make me do math. I love verse 102 where Muhammad gets all pissed about people worshiping ghosts for the stupidest

reasons. He's all like, guys, I get it. Ghosts exist. But who made the ghost? Do you agree? Huh? And of course, that leads us back into how wrong the Christians are because, you know, how can God have a son if he doesn't have a girlfriend?

Never thought of that, did you, you stupid Christians? Yeah. I think we can all agree that the virgin birth thing is ridiculous. Right. Somebody pass me the salt. I chopped my hands off. Totally deserve it. This whole part of the Koran is like when people add you to an atheist Facebook group

without asking, and then the pinned post, if God is real, how many fingers am I holding on to? Right. We agree on the conclusion but not not the journey did anybody else think this one was weird in in 133 it says if allah wills he can take you away and replace you by anyone he pleases yeah what is that it's not like a pod people thing? Like to insert something? I don't know. Like Allah's the bad guy from World's End or something?

I don't know. I'm Steve. I'm the new Dan. I don't know Allah's name. Got reassigned. Used to be Tim. Yeah, we also get some foundations of communism. Wasn't expecting that. It says, from each, according to his abilities,

that's it. To each, nothing. Like, if I'm a man, so you get nothing. So they're about halfway there. Yeah, yeah. Muhammad's version, yeah. Also, paganism makes you murder your babies. Right, and this is so fucked up

because it says, like, of course, if God didn't want them to murder their babies, he'd stop them and he hasn't, so let them baby murder. it actually fucking says that i i genuinely stopped reading and googled three different versions of this sentence because at this point i thought john meadows rodwell was just fucking with me right side note this was the ninth time in this reading that i thought to myself what if john meadows rodwell just translated this super sarcastic oh and you know what?

Then God said God was like, don't eat a monkey covered in blood. First guy in America who spoke Arabic. There's so much weird, though, unrelated shit that gets shoved together in uncomfortable sentences here and there throughout this thing. Like in 142, where Muhammad basically says, eat beef and don't follow Satan. I mean, what does the one have to do with the other? But then in the next verse, it becomes a little more clear. We learn that only men can eat a goat with a dick and also two plus two is eight. So it all starts to connect again.

You know what I'm saying? But he literally presents it as an sat question he's like if i have two boy cows and jane has two girl cows which will burn you in hell forever see see skip it skip it you don't lose points as much basically the bulk of this surah is dedicated to ancient local food customs and dietary restrictions that pervaded the whole region at the time of the writing so so i guess a lot of tribes would have rules that say like only men can eat male goats and only females can eat female goats and dumb shit like that so a bunch of this chapter is just dedicated to muhammad saying over and over again no birds no blood no bacon guys that's it in like 500 different ways what kind of hp lovecraft hellscape

were kitchens when muhammad was writing just birds dressed up like Liberace next to gay monkeys covered in blood. And Muhammad's like, none of this. This is, this whole, well, fine, I'm just going to make spaghetti and meatballs then. Come on, gay monkey. Just a disappointed monkey in a boa. Just a disappointed monkey in a boa. Ah, that's what I was picturing. Good call. But it wouldn't be the Quran, apparently, if this wasn't also sprinkled with brainless apologetics. Like in 148 where it says, and if anybody thinks you're lying about what God does and doesn't want, just ask them to prove it. Oh, shit.

Yeah, I mean, I was just about to ask, then why are there still Jews? Since I can't prove that Allah didn't want the Jews, I really have no argument. Good verse. Is your mother a Jew? Does your grandmother look like a Jew? And then we get one of my favorite verses so far. Surah 6, verse 159. Have nothing to do with those who have split up their religion into sects.

Yeah, right. Yes. So apparently Muslims aren't even allowed to be friends with Muslims. And amazingly short-sighted of old Mo there, I think. Well, to be fair, with instructions this clear and beautifully written, he'd have no way of knowing that people would eventually get confused over who got to fuck his wife when he died or whatever they fight about. And by the way, saudi arabian version tried

to patch this up it says don't divide your religion and break up into sects parentheses all kinds of religious sects oh two sects is going to happen obviously we weren't saying two is a problem but all kinds of them don't be stupid and then we get a couple of quick hell threats and we draw that one to a close. Yeah. So maybe it's a little early to say this after our first real Meccan verse, but I feel like the whole Medean versus Meccan thing is like the difference between listening to Ted Cruz and listening to his dad. I mean, there was no murder of the Jews shit in that last one, but it's not like it was good. Right.

the Jews shit in that last one, but it's not like it was good. The whole book so far anyway seems like God's second wife saying mean shit about God's first wife. In parentheses, the Jews. Just yelling at each other on Jerry Springer. Maybe if the Jews

learned how to suck a God's dick properly they still have a man. Oh, ding, ding, ding. Jerry, Jerry, Muhammad, Muhammad. So that's all the Quran we're doing for the month of March. We'll be back with more Quranomaniacs on episode 165, and that's when we're going to be doing Surahs 7 and 8, which is our last reading that's only two Surahs long, sorry.

Until then, I'll be reading something better, like heartbroken 14-year-old girl poems or, you know, any other written thing. Anything else. Before we slurp the straw tonight, I wanted to remind everybody that the Global Giving Challenge for Sanktaba keeps running until midnight Eastern time on Friday, so there's still time to play. You can find a link to the fundraiser on the show notes for this episode, and if you forward me proof of your donation with the name of somebody that you want our aspersions cast upon, we'll get you taken care of in next week's installment of Vulgarity for Charity. And if we didn't get you this week, apologies, promise to make it up to you next week. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you

tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 8 a.m. Eastern time on Monday, and a new episode of our other sister show, God Awful Movies, debuting 24 hours after that. You can find links to both on the show notes, or you can find them on your podcasting aggregator of choice. Can't close it up without thanking Heath for never giving me up, letting me down, running around, or hurting me.

I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions, who sends her apologies for the lack of a segment, and wants me to assure you that it's not because there was no misogyny this week. Obviously, I need to thank Eli for responding to, dude, I don't know, are you sure you can come up with insults for all these people with, I've been waiting for somebody to ask me that my whole life. I also want to thank Chewy and Ben, or I mean Kiba and Ben for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most significant citizens, James, Peter, Glenn, Thomas, David, Little Loie, Tracy, Elizabeth, Teresa, Allie, AK, Mary, Cy, Victoria, Sandra, Matt, William, Mario, Kyle, and Jason. James,

Peter, Glenn, Thomas, and David, whose ejaculations promised to stop fucking with the gravitational wave data, Little Loie, Tracy, Elizabeth, Teresa, and Allie, whose nunchuck skills make the National Guard superfluous, AK, Mary, Cy, Victoria, and Sandra, who are so sexy the MPAA has approved them for mature audiences only, and Matt, William, Mario, Kyle, and Jason, who can only use a glory hole if it has an event horizon. Together, these 20 trendy, friendly, gentry, contently sent me pennies of plenty this week, either by making a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby they earned early access to an extended edition of every episode,

or through a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of our homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're spending your money on accused witches or a genocide theme park instead, good on ya. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter, and chanting our names into a mirror three times. If you have questions, comments, or death threats,

you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. My motivation is murder the Jews and Christians. Red leather, yellow leather. Your fingers are too fat to obtain a dialing wand. Mash the keypad. Where's that from? It's from the Simpsons

get the phone to work his fingers are too fat they're pressing like seven buttons at a time your fingers are too fat to obtain a darling wand mash the keypad