The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 163: Rabbit or the Egg Edition

Episode Date: March 31, 2016

In this week's episode, doctors respond to way more than four hours of social media reports that he is risen, jokes about "Sarah Palin looking like an incompetent TV judge" get a little bit funnier, and Eli Bosnick will be here to caustically analogize.

We are actuaries. In a world filled with unpredictability, we use our math skills to navigate uncertainty. Actuaries make a difference in people's lives across industries and the world. Actuaries have the freedom to work anywhere, and according to U.S. News & World Report, we're the 25th top-paying career. Make an impact as a fact-seeker and a truth-teller. Use your math skills for good as an actuary. The world needs you. Warning, we know a lot more than seven words you can't say on television. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Prayerspace.com again.

They're the sponsor from last week that does web design for churches, and apparently there was some confusion with how to type in their address. So we're going to try this one more time. Remember, hypertext transfer protocol on the World Wide Web. forward slash backslash www the period character prayer space all one word the period character com

prayer space the fastest way to email your worldwide website onto the dial-ups now that I finally gave you the right URL. And now, the Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Scott. You might remember me from episode 116, where Noah mentioned my ability to override a flux capacitor with my neuronal activity. While this

ability is necessary to calculate record-breaking large prime numbers in my free time, one only needs to be able to override a floppy disk to realize that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's March 31st. And it's opening day this weekend.

Yes, it is. So the majority of baseball fans can start watching in about five more months. Almost there. Start the countdown. I'm no illusions. I'm Heath Enright. And from the man with a plantation Valdosta, Georgia this is The Scathing Atheist on this week's episode

doctors respond to way more than four hours of social media reports that he has risen jokes about Sarah Palin looking like an incompetent TV judge get a little bit funnier and Eli will be here to caustically analogize but first, the diatribe. You know, a lot of people find this hard to believe given the shit-fuckity nature of what I do now, but I spent most of my adult life working with kids.

And I need to emphasize the with, right? I wasn't a priest. I didn't work kids. I worked with kids. In fact, I was kind of like the opposite of a Catholic priest. I liked kids because I can't say no to them, you know? What I mean to say is that I'm a sucker for kids, but not in a moil way. See, I got 10 nieces and nephews, two of whom have kids of their own at this point,

and they all figured me out pretty quick. If there was one particular video game they wanted, or they wanted to go see this movie and nobody would take them, or they're selling some useless shit for their school band or whatever, I'm their first mark. And as often as not, I'm their last mark because I'm putty in their fucking hands and they know it. And it's not just the kids I know either. I know, I've purchased more magazine subscriptions, half-melted Milky Way bars, and tins of old lady cookies than I can count. What's that? You're selling 50-cent candy bars for $2 so your basketball team can go to regionals?

Give me three of them. Oh, you guys, you're washing cars to raise money for the school's music program? Go ahead and wash it twice, I guess. What do you got there, Thin Mints? Give me six abortions worth, I guess. Kids are like the kryptonite to my powers of assholery. And unfortunately, it seems like Lex Luthor's catching on. Right, cut to last Wednesday. I make a quick run to the store to pick up enough caffeine to get me through the weekly

overnight or get my headphones in. So I'm kind of focused on the podcast that I'm listening to. Don't even notice the little church group in the parking lot until I'm out of the car and halfway to the door. So out of nowhere, this adorable little seven-year-old blonde girl in pigtails comes marching up to me with a stack of Jesus books in her hand and a determined look on her face. Now, to be honest, I missed the first couple lines of her pitch fumbling with my headphones, but the gist of it was something like, my church wants money and you're less likely to say no if we employ really cute slave labor to get it.

And she was pretty good, right? She was looking me in the eye most of the time. She put the product in my hand. She commanded the conversation. She had good technique. And she's also good, right? She was looking me in the eye most of the time. She put the product in my hand. She commanded the conversation. She had good technique. And she's also, she's doing that little kid, fast, excited talking thing. You know, that thing where they just keep going until they run themselves completely out of breath. And they take a long breath at some random mid-sentence point and then kick right back into full speed. And every sentence sounds kind of like a question even though it isn't. And she's bobbing her little head to the pronouns.

And I'm thinking, how the fuck am I going to say no to this paroxysm of cuteness? Look, this little girl could have been selling roadkill for cigarette money, and I probably would have bought some. But there's no fucking way I'm giving money to a church youth group. So as sweet as I could, I says, you don't have any atheist books, do you? And then she frowned, and a care bear gasped, and a fairy lost its wings, and the wicked witch of the forest cackled with delight. And I felt like I just told her there was no farm for old dogs upstate.

And so I'm all conciliatory all of a sudden, right? I'm going like, but you're doing a great job and good luck and I'm sure you'll do it. And don't cry or I'll have to run myself through with a cow catcher. And the whole time the two grownups are standing 20 feet away from me. Yeah, I guess ready to pounce if they hear me say, can you say youth afro dilemma, boys and girls, for me, I guess ready to pounce if they hear me say, can you say euthyphro dilemma, boys and girls, but otherwise happy to exploit their adorably ignorant litter of indentured servants with completely clear consciences. My conscience, on the other hand, was having a little bit of trouble with this. Because as I walked away from that situation and for a couple of days afterwards,

I kept asking myself how I should have handled it. I mean, maybe I did the right thing. Maybe that little girl learned for the first time that some people don't believe in God, so maybe I can pat myself on the back for planting that seed. But ultimately, I just feel complicit. You know, I saw an immoral thing happening. I didn't say anything. I didn't do anything. I didn't walk up to the grownups and ask them how grotesque this would seem to them. If I had a bunch of other people's kids selling atheist books to support this podcast or something, I didn't ask the little girl how much money she got to keep if she sold any books. Hell, I even encouraged her. I told her she was doing a good job.

See, to doubt or know, I actually played a small part in her brainwashing. You know, I spent a couple of days wrestling with this because this isn't some one-off situation, right? The last couple of times would-be evangelists showed up at my door. They were kids. I will absolutely find myself in the same situation again with some little kid selling me some Jesus, and I don't want to walk away feeling like an accomplice next time. In fact, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I'd rather walk away feeling like an asshole. At least I'm used to that. So you know

what? That's my solution. Ultimately, that's where I landed. What should I have done? What should I have said? I should have smiled at the little girl and said, oh, that's nice, honey, but God and Jesus aren't real. They're just one of those things parents lie to kids about. I should have just handed her that ticking time bomb and said, here, give this to your mom or your dad or your pastor or whoever wants to take first crack at diffusing it. Now, I know some people would say that's going too far. You know, after all, how would I feel if some religious parents started telling my kids that there was a God, right? How can it be fair for me, but not for them? Well, we can start with the fact that what I'm saying conforms to all the demonstrable shit that we know. You know, you can't claim a moral equivalency between a harmful

lie and a liberating truth. But beyond that, my kid wouldn't be marching up to some stranger at the gas station trying to sell him letters to a Christian nation. They're the ones that put their children into the public arena of belief, not me. And if they did so thinking that the atheists and rationalists would just play along, it's probably because we've been playing along for too long. I mean, think about it. Children don't teach things to adults, so why are they sending kids out to do this shit in the first place? The only purpose it can serve is to disarm us and alleviate any obligation to justify the harmful lies their faith propagates. It's a dishonest and disgusting ploy, and I feel like it wouldn't take that many atheists calling their bluff before they stopped doing it all together. And even if it served no purpose but to make some little girl cry and not want to sell Jesus books anymore,

I'd still feel like I'd done the right thing. She's going to get over it, and maybe her parents will know if they want somebody to help the priest exploit their child, they're going to have to do it themselves. They're talking about you, Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight is a man who's counting the minutes until opening day, Heath Enright. Heath, how many more minutes we got?

All right. So this episode drops at 8 a.m. on Thursday, and we're, what, like seven and a half minutes in. So first games on Sunday at 105, that would be 4,617 minutes, 30 seconds, give or take. All right. All right. Well, let me know if that changes. It did. Thank you.

And again. In our lead story tonight, we have two important updates in the aftermath of the war on Easter, which happened on schedule last Sunday as planned so that the title would make sense. Noah, I'm going to leave the decision to you. Would you like to hear first about how we infiltrated the seasonal chocolate market with knockoff Easter candy and ruined Christianity? Or would you like to hear about

the college students in Wisconsin who teamed up with Obi-Wan Kenobi and ruined Christianity? Oh, um... I have two choices. Shit, I hate having so much pressure on me. I guess I'm, you know what, of the two, the one that most likely involves poop is the knockoff chocolatier.

So I'm going to start there. We'll start there. It's not my style to disappoint when it comes to feces, but this is going to be one of those times. I apologize. Excellent choice of story nonetheless. So here's what's going on. Apparently the Christian community has been getting persecuted by candy companies recently with a wave of

counterfeit chocolate eggs during resurrection season and that's why religious entrepreneur david marshall started his meaningful chocolate company to make sure people can get legitimate Easter candy, which, of course, should always be labeled properly with the Appalachian control title, Real Easter Egg. Oh. I'm actually serious about that. It says it on all his candy. I'm sure he's pushing for ghost modified ovum labels, too.

See how it goes. Unrealistically expensive. Yeah. But because I guess you need to have chocolate bunnies that say Jesus on them like they had in the Bible. I love the cynicism of Christian businesses at this point, too. Every goddamn thing in the store that had sugar in it said Easter on the fucking thing. But the marketers know that if you say you're getting persecuted, the Christians aren't going to check your math. No. So they're going to do that. All right. And now on to the secular Jedi conspiracy.

Of course. The Atheists, Humanists, and Agnostics group at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, they've been trying to destroy the entire Christian religion for years by placing secular displays in the state capitol building around holiday times. And so far it hasn't quite worked yet. I mean, they tried a lot of stuff. They tried a shrine to the gods from Game of Thrones. No good. Tried the flying spaghetti monster. Nothing.

But this year, their display had Jedi powers. Oh, shit. And obviously, that means it was a force to be reckoned with. A force. A force. I see. Nailed it. Yeah.

No, that's a good call, because apparently everybody likes Star Wars stuff, even if it's uninspired and boring now as long as George Lucas isn't involved. So can't lose. And by the way, here's the text from their latest Jedi poster. It's an image of Obi-Wan Kenobi in a cloak and he looks a lot like Jesus in the picture. And it says the following, quote, one man died for all. Who is this man? Obi-Wan Kenobi.

Why is it important that we remember him? To escape the Death Star. How does his death help us? Because he comes back as a ghost at times and it could be quite surprising. And then at the bottom it says, do you think Jediism in the capital is ridiculous? So do we. Protect the separation of church and state. End quote.

So between that and the candy, consider yourselves persecuted Christians. We know who gets to write the history books on this one. Eat it. And if this one doesn't work, they're going to use the Chuck Norris one next year. And in what the fuck news tonight, conservative

radio host and adult personification of getting picked last, Glenn Beck made brand new face farts again this week to remind everybody that didn't vote for Ted Cruz that they were going to go to hell. But perhaps fearing that his 27th invocation of imaginary torture land wasn't quite lubing that orifice enough, Beck went after his listeners where it hurts, right in the hot pockets. After all, Beck argued, if Ted Cruz isn't president, there won't be a constitution. And without the constitution, we never would have had microwave ovens.

Okay well those sound stupid. Yes but it wasn't just microwaves. No the constitution also laid the groundwork for all the freedom we needed to finally make airplane wings that were curvy and worked. Yes. So it's microwaves and air travel, not quite as trivial when you hear all the facts. Although he was strangely focused on the oven part. Yeah, right. You'd think he would have been, if you got airplanes in your pocket there.

So if you want to define the word argument liberally enough, his argument is this. For thousands of years, humans settled for fire pits. The number he uses is 5,000 because the real number is at least 25 times older than he admits the earth is, I guess. but whatever. So he says actual quote, for 5,000 years, we had a fireplace, we had a fire pit. The Constitution comes, all of a sudden we have microwave ovens and actual real thing that he said. Sudden. Yeah. So yes, microwave ovens were foremost in the Constitution's 159 year plan.

Also, this makes no sense. I mean, why do we still have fire pits then? Ridiculous. Take that, Ken Ham. Think about it. And from the INR IV file tonight, Texas Agriculture Commissioner and apparent survivor of a Hannibal Lecter face attack, Sid Miller, made news earlier this month after reports surfaced that he charged the state for a trip to Oklahoma, claiming it was government business, when in reality he was going to get a magical injection called the Jesus shot. the jesus shot apparently it's the type of medicine you can only get from convicted felons with revoked medical licenses and it's formulated to take away all physical pain for life all physical pain for life which would make you injure yourself constantly well yeah stupid and not exactly but more importantly it does not exist so you can't expense it. Well, and look, I've been saying this shit for years.

Eucharists are a gateway drug. You know, at first, it's just a little Jesus flesh on the weekend with your buddies. You're just trying to fit in. But before you know it, you're stealing money from your employer to take it intravenously or subcutaneously. The article didn't say. But the point is, just say no. Honor not Nancy's memory here, people. So, yeah, if you follow Texas agriculture bureaucrat meltdowns, by the way, you may remember Sid Miller as the government official who announced last December that if he hears the phrase happy holidays one more fucking time, he's going to punch somebody in the face.

Yes, that's the guy. And who may or may not have gone through a very traumatic incident involving a dreidel and a menorah. Well, he's back. And in fairness, his office did announce that he's going to reimburse the state for this trip, quote, out of an abundance of caution, end quote. Or when translated out of the original liar quote i lied about the trip being for business and then somebody checked on that and caught me lying and then by chance later

that day i told everyone that i'm paying for it myself which i was gonna do the whole time right i'm not a liar yeah sorry bro guy next to me about it that's not exactly an abundance that's just a regular undance. And by the way, when you translate that back into liar and then back into English on Google Translate, it comes out as, quote, I lied about tripping the business and then some chubby checkers patent caught me like anthems by chance. Letter that's a told me everybody's playing with himself, which ISIS gunned a Jew the whole time. I'm not a liar. They're getting better. No, yeah.

I'm not a liar. It's the same still all right so a quick recap of everything that just happened a violent sociopath who holds government office in texas not surprising at all yet he tried to use state money to pay for his trip to get a divine panacea injection from a person called this is my favorite part called dr mike yeah that's where you get heroin. Yeah, exactly. Honestly, that should have been a giveaway right there. Dr. Mikey? Really? First name

doctors are for children. If you're a grown-up and you have a first name doctor, it's like, hi, I'm Dr. Skippy, and I'm going to give you a Jesus shot. Leave the room, move to a new state, and get a new doctor. And maybe rethink a bunch of your other life choices, too. Yeah, yeah, and your voting habits.

And in abetting abetting news tonight, Canadian Catholic priest and man who looks like Boo Radley got into professional wrestling, Amir Saka, earned a complimentary criminal investigation this week after he reportedly gambled away half a million dollars that his diocese had collected to help resettle Iraqi refugees. I guess the Christian ones, just them. Yeah, right, right.

So his bishop, Emmanuel Shaleda, expressed remorse over the revelation, citing the number of child sex abuse victims that could have been silenced with that kind of money. Yeah, and from what I understand, though, it wasn't really this guy's fault as much as it sounds. Oh, really? Yeah. No, he had pocket cowboys and he flopped a set and some donkey kept playing with rags got runner runner for a small street so you know it's really the lucky noob who owes these refugees the money that's exactly now for some reason despite the

fact that the church informed police of the missing money more than five weeks ago saka has not been charged with a crime of any kind police in london ontario insist that an investigation is underway but since the guy already basically confessed publicly i feel like he's arrestable yeah and um it's weird because tax-exempt charities like this are usually like super transparent with their finances i mean maybe if churches stopped handling money the exact same way as the fucking mafia there might be slightly less corruptions i don't know bold statement right there now the diocese insists that they will still meet their financial obligations to the refugee families that were counting on that money many of whom are already in canada and looking for it though they failed to indicate how they intend to do so and it's rumored that

jake and elwood might not be able to assemble that many legendary blues artists in time anyway uh but we will keep you posted all right moving on in platini news tonight faithful jewish people in scotland who like wearing officially recognized single batch fabric certified kosher tartan patterns that properly capture their cultural heritage those people can finally exhale because the world's first Jewish tartan has been created. It has arrived. And this dream became a reality thanks to Rabbi Mendel Jacobs, who created the novel arrangement of color stripes at right angles using white, blue, red, and gold. And probably a protractor because it looks legit. It looks like a real 90-degree tartan.

Oh, yeah. I love this quote from Jacobs. He says, for over 300 years, Scots Jews have been waiting for their own tartan, and now here it is. So, I mean, what took them so long? It took them that long to get lines intersecting at right angles? I'd love to take a tour of failed Jewish tartan warehouse or whatever where they keep their three centuries of rejects Fucking Jackson Pollock looking kilt looks up at me and goes kill me How can you fuck this up? I just don't I don't get it

And by the way, if you're a faithful Jewish person outside of Scotland who's still a big tartan enthusiast Don't worry. You will not be left out of this historical, historical event. Oh, good. Yeah. You can buy the new tartan pattern on a wide variety of products at jewishtartan.com, as you might have guessed. I can't believe that's not taken. It wasn't.

Yeah. For 300 years, they've been trying to do this shit. After all, you'd think somebody would have seen it coming. Someone would have squatted on that. Go to it, right? So you can buy. These are the options. You can get ties with the new tartan.

You can get yarmulkes, pens, mouse pads, coffee cups, and of course, the kosher kilt. Of course. And I just did so much of my holiday shopping for next year. Great selection. Yes, yes. I, too, have crossed all the Scottish Jews off my list. Good work. So here's my favorite part of the story.

Apparently, you can't just, like, make a tartan over there no scotland does not stand for that type of vigilante fabricing you have to get that shit approved and registered by the proper authority there's got to be rules jerry and the scottish tartan's Authority is the name of that government body. What did they pay for? To regulate intellectual fabric property amongst the historical clans over there. Seriously, they have that. And it's actually a big deal to the Jewish people in Scotland because it kind of recognizes the tribe as an official clan in a sense. So I'm really not just being an asshole.

This is huge to certain people. I mean, but aren't we being assholes to those people? I guess. Well, they have something called registering a tartan over there. How can you not? You can use that phrase and people will understand you. Like, what'd you do yesterday? I registered a tartan.

Got it. I understand completely. That would be a conversation you could have in Scotland. Love it. Weird. And in crash test dummies news tonight, drivers in Mayo County, Ireland, can breathe a little easier this week with the knowledge that several local priests participated in a countywide road blessing ceremony on Easter to ensure their safety. The magic spells were applied in a coordinated effort with the county council, its road safety department, and local emergency services who did real shit while the unintentional professional LARPers wished in silly outfits. Okay, well, this is just stupid.

Yes. Obviously, you're going to be a lot more effective by going straight to the source and blessing all the car factories. Right. This is just wasteful public policy right there. It's like adding the kosher magic to your food at every table. It's highly inefficient. Right.

It'd take forever. It'd be ridiculous. Local road safety officer Noel Gibbons explained that the idea originated in Australia where an annual blessing of the road ceremony takes place every Easter. I guess Ireland hopes to capture some of the magic that makes Australia the world's 15th safest country to drive in, while Ireland languishes all the way back at a distant 16th. Gibbons was excited about the possibilities, promising that if this works, Mayo County was also going to try the blooming onion and snakes. Unbelievable. After all that great work St. Patrick did. Yeah. to popularize yes irish onion uh when asked if the blessings

would have any effect local priests insisted that they would this led to a follow-up question about why they let so many people die before they did it to which they said this shit was really easy when the bible was just in latin why the fuck did we ever think rethink that county officials of course privately admitted that the blessings wouldn't make the roads any safer but they were justifying the measure by pointing out that it's really hard to rape children when you're on a public road without getting caught so it's probably safer for everybody safety exactly and because she's asked so many times to always follow the child molesting jokes we'll pause for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible?

A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate rape. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. With a passing apology for my unexpected absence last week, I want to dive right in. Because we've got to talk about a case the eight-ninths of the Supreme Court heard last week.

And it's a case that's every bit as stupid as it is important. Of course, I'm sure you've already heard about it, but just in case you haven't, we're talking about the latest Christian right challenge to the Affordable Care Act. This one deals with religious groups that don't want to provide contraception for their employees. And if you're thinking, didn't the SCOTUS already rule in that case? Well, yes, they did. And if you're also thinking, didn't the religious assholes that wanted to impose their pre-scientific notions on morality on their employees win that case?

Why, yes, again, they did. According to the ruling in the Hobby Lobby case, an employer that doesn't want to make baby Jesus cry just has to fill out an I don't want to make baby Jesus cry form and bam, they're in the clear. They don't have to provide contraception with their employee health plan. Now the insurance company has to do it. But apparently that's not good enough. After all, religious fucktards argue if they fill out this form knowing that by so doing a person is going to get baby murder pills, they're still giving them access to baby murder pills. So they already have an exemption, but they want to be exempt from it.

The plaintiff in the case they heard last week is a Catholic nonprofit called Little Sister of the Poor. And forgive me for noticing that if your business model relies on a ready supply of poor people, you have an ulterior interest in opposing birth control. So I don't know if we can accept this sincerely held belief shit. But even if we take that at face value, the argument is that checking a box saying I'm morally opposed to thing X is a moral endorsement of thing X. Now, in the wake of the oral arguments, it looked like we were going to get a 4-4 split. And that would have been a disaster for a couple of reasons, not the least of which is that it would mean the contraception mandate counted in some districts and not in others.

But it looks like the court is making every effort to avoid that. So on Tuesday, they found a way to make this case even more bizarre. They essentially suggested a compromise that really outlined how stupid this objection is. According to this proposal, the groups that didn't want to fill out the form could just tell the insurance company they don't want to fill out the form, and then the insurance company would have to do it. So they wouldn't have to object to the thing. They'd only have to object to the objection, and then somebody else would have to tell

somebody else to give somebody else the perfectly legal thing they don't like. But of course, this exemption exemption is still unacceptable because the end result is still women having access to birth control, and that's the real problem. In fact, within hours of the proposed compromise, the Alliance Defending Freedom released a statement shitting all over it. They said in part, quote, The government has many other ways to make sure women may access these drugs, but it has chosen the unjust, unlawful, and unnecessary path of forcing people of faith to participate in acts that violate their deepest convictions. There is an easy solution. So, yeah, I'm sure all the religious people would stop bitching if we just paid for contraception with their tax dollars.

Good call. And to be honest, as ridiculous as this suggestion is, I'm glad it's happening. Because nothing can demonstrate how insane their objection is like trying to actually accommodate it. Think about it. If they turn down this compromise, they're basically saying there is no possible way to make us happy. Which is just another way of saying we have no reasonable objection. And now that the silver lining on the story is good and polished, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda. And in hits in Mississippi news tonight, the Secular Coalition for America announced the winner of their March Madness-inspired Worst State Bill in America competition this week.

And damn, what a deserving winner they found. Excellent idea for a tournament. Yeah, right? this week and damn what a deserving winner they found excellent idea for a tournament yeah right bad bill madness pitted 16 of america's most egregious molestations of church state separation in a bracketed tournament and the winner and big vegas favorite throughout was mississippi's house bill 786 which would basically make it legal for churches to kill people yeah as much as you'd love to see a a good cinderella story in the tournament, like Gonzaga banning gay people from eating pizza on campus. This murder bill was just too good.

They have five Republicans from Mississippi going to the NBA after this. Right. So HB 786, also known as the Mississippi Church Protection Act, would, according to the SCA, quote, allow churches to empower designated members of their congregation as part of a security team with a shoot to kill authority equivalent to a police officer, but with less government oversight. They want 007s. Wonderful. End quote. Dramatic pause added. So according to Mississippi, being exempted from tax laws, financial transparency laws, fraud laws and nondiscrimination laws isn't enough. Churches also need exemptions from tax laws, financial transparency laws, fraud laws, and non-discrimination laws isn't enough. Churches also need exemptions from homicide laws.

And if this sounds like hyperbole, let me quote you directly from the bill's title. Quote, to provide that killing a person while acting as a participant of a church or place of worship security team is justifiable homicide. End quote. That's in the title. security team is justifiable homicide end quote that's in the title or uh yeah in other words the existing definition of justifiable homicide stays the same except now we also add unjustifiable homicide by church vigilantes yes group of things also the author of the bill is a guy named j andrew gibson you don't elect people who think they're from the fictional town of East Egg.

What are you doing? And if you're thinking to yourself, I wonder if there's a spectrum of letting churches murder people bills upon which this would still register on the low end. Congratulations on facilitating

my segue. This bill makes it clear that these church henchmen aren't limited to murdering people just inside the churches, but rather their license to kill extends to any church function like dances and picnics except with murdering and the only requirement it puts on a person to be an official church henchman is a firearms permit and a lesson on firearm safe firearms use although the lesson can be

waived if you have a bona fide cop ex-, or ex-military member in your church who can teach them that kind of stuff for free. Wow. Yes. So just a heads up for you guys. This means that if a Jewish man runs past you with a ball of string and an assault rifle, he could shoot you in the face. That's your law. that's your law i should also note that this isn't one of those insane first term congressmen from hayseed proposed himself a bill kind of things i i mean it is i mean but but but it's not like the rest of the congress just laughed at him while absently counting his fingers

this fucking thing has passed through both houses of congress and could be enshrined in law by the time that this episode airs so find some room on the margins of your lists of reasons not to go to both church and Mississippi, folks. We need to make an addition. Holy shit. Terrifying. And in God Almighty Mouse news tonight, a parody religion called Dinkoism, based around a cartoon mouse deity named Dinkin,

has been spreading through India recently. And with all the new popular support, it led to the first ever Dinkoist convention earlier this month, where approximately 500 followers gathered together in Mananchira to discuss, you know, humanist theology and also all hope together that they don't get stabbed on the way home. Which they did not, as far as we know. So good job, India.

You guys had a stabless secular conference, setting the bar nice and high for the region. Yeah. I mean, a stabless walk home from anything in India is a small victory, but a secular conference, let alone history's largest secular cartoon mouse spoof-based conference? I mean, India's just a few unprosecuted gang rapes a day shy of full-blown civilization at this point if you ask me baby steps you get there okay so uh quick

background on these dinkoists they pretty much did the same thing as the flying spaghetti monster guys and did all the paperwork to qualify as religion and uh also i love this part they have nice uh riffer friendly language built right into their philosophy. According to a spokesperson for the religion, quote, Dinkoism has no temples. All places where followers gather to discuss and debate creatively are called Dinkaliums, or the Abode of Dinkin, end quote. Of course they are.

Which is a very smart move. That means Dinkoists in Mississippi can shoot someone with a gun in pretty much any place at all times. Right, right, which means that they, too, can take part in Mississippi's state pastime. And from the voices in Sage Dixon's head tonight, we have an update on the contentious Idaho bill that sought to approve the Bible for use as a public school geology textbook. The bill passed the state house last week,

despite a report by the state's attorney general that concluded that such a law is specifically prohibited by the idaho constitution the bill's author and guy who awkwardly smiles at other people in the men's room sage dixon dismissed these concerns by assuring idahoans that quote the little supreme court in my head says this is okay and actual real quote yeah but here's the thing that miniature court is going to be busy pretty much for all of infinity because the miniature congress in his head is congressing backwards and expressly listing all the legal things with individual bills it's not how you do that no it's also it's worth pointing out too that the idaho constitution is far stricter about this sort of shit than the federal one.

Article nine, section six reads in part, quote, No books, papers, tracks or documents of a political sectarian or denominational character shall be used or introduced in any school. End quote. Dixon insists that this won't matter, though, because the Bible isn't sectarian since, quote, there are many religions that refer back to the Bible in their tenets. End quote. Right. And the sat in their tenets, end quote. Right. And the satanic Bible's not sectarian either. No. Because all the big religions talk about Satan. I'm sure they'll be working on a bill to expressly permit the satanic Bible sometime real soon.

Yeah, yeah, Lucius, call us, man. We got something for you. Republican Representative Fred Wood, speaking against the bill, pointed out that the big supreme court that isn't in sage dixon's head requires real lawyers and shit and those things cost money in between firm reminders that he does indeed love him the bible wood pointed out that the doomed legal effort to defend this useless law could exceed four hundred thousand dollars which is more than you could get for idaho on the open fucking market. Rethink it, bro. And finally tonight, in throwing all the books at you news, according to People Magazine,

failed vice presidential candidate and reader of all the printed words, Sarah Palin, may be getting her own courtroom reality show. Oh, shit. She'll be using all her good judgment that she has as the judge. Oh, shit. In which she'll be using all her good judgment that she has as the judge. Oh, shit. Looks like they haven't been picked up by any networks yet, but they're planning to shoot a pilot episode soon, which will no doubt sell itself. Very exciting stuff. A courtroom presided over by a person incapable of forming complete sentences. It's like a surreality show.

A whole new genre. Wow genre wow by the way just to clear up any confusion no sarah pillen does not have any experience as a judge no or as a lawyer no nor does she have a law degree no nor does she have anything at all that indicates she might have a related body of knowledge or even a body of knowledge but uh still apparently yes you can just do that especially if you've worked as a local sportscaster and you own a wooden hammer which she has and does there you go i would have to imagine they'd have to put foam rubber on both sides of the gavel just for safety reminder before every episode that she doesn't close the case by whacking her head against the sound block twice. She sent this great mental image, by the way.

Case closed. So full disclosure, I am rooting for this show. Oh, I'd watch it. No, I'll watch just to see if Sarah Palin gets punched in the face by a kangaroo. That'll be awesome. Either way, they try. But more importantly, whether or not Judge Palin works out, I feel like these producers are definitely on to something.

We've been watching failed celebrities on reality shows for years now, but pretty much never involving someone from the world of politics. And this is a group of dirty, depraved people. They're just begging to get noticed by this genre. So we decided to help out. Let's go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock. Reality show ideas for failed presidential candidates. Go. All right. All right. How about Strom Thurmond in The Amazing Racist? I got a lot of dead people on my list. Sorry. What about season two of The Amazing Racist? The Torturer's apprentice

fingers crossed right yeah right no good failed failed how about the real housewives of mitt romney he's got a binder full of them what about uh what about for sarah judge sarah palin she can't reference one by name but she's read all the amendments yeah i didn't name one but she's got them all under her belt um maybe maybe one from michael dukakis how about the deadliest furlough never gonna live it down man i think he's dead isn't he dead i was thinking uh maybe degrassi noel jfk's deadliest patch oh nice i know he wasn't a failed candidate technically but you know there were definitely some failures going on i see i was thinking of something with the deadliest match in aaron burr but it never worked out um how about ross per robot wars i would watch that bunch of cyborg

mongooses attacking each other with pointers it would be okay now i would definitely hells yeah not what i was picturing either way what else could you possibly picture about the bob Kennedy experiment? Technically a failed candidate. Yeah, no, no. Not trying to be a dick. Just saying. It wouldn't last for very many seasons.

But yeah. All right. How about Survivor Chappaquiddick? We have a winner for Kennedy. We have a winner for Kennedy. Awesome. All right. That hooker.

Bridge killed herself man yeah all right one more one more what about um

carly fiorina in 19 sid's encounter oh shit i apologize eli made me do it and i guess

now that my hopes of having the least tasteful tragic death of a young woman joke have been dashed i guess we can close the headlines

for tonight he thanks as always who can throw the object and hit the thing? When we come back, Eli will be back to help us say more mean shit about people. It's time for the Atheist Calendar portion of the show. This is the monthly couple of minutes that we set aside to talk up all the great atheist, secular, and skeptical events going on around the country and around the world. We'll start off in Hartford, Connecticut this coming weekend at the Connecticut Assembly for Reason and Ethics, or CARE, which takes place this Saturday. The Connecticut Coalition of Reason is bringing in Hemant Mehta as their keynote.

Also, Amanda Neif, the Public Policy Director for American Atheists, will be there for a talk entitled Election 2016 When Atheist Voters and Religious Exemptions Collide. Sounds fun. Plus, there's other people, and they're doing other talks. On the following weekend, we've got the Free Thought Festival in Madison, Wisconsin. That's a free student-run event funded by the American Humanist Association. This is their fifth year, and I dare say it might be their best. Their speaker list includes James Randi, Eugenie Scott,

Hannah Dadaboy, Andrea Viscontes, Andrew Seidel, and more. Again, free. Can't stress that enough. If you happen to be in or near Estonia, we've got the Rationalist International Conference taking place on the weekend of April 23rd, but you're not, so it doesn't matter. And on the last weekend in April, we've got two events to talk about. The Orange County Free Thought Alliance will be holding their annual conference on April 30th. Donald Prothero will be there. They're also bringing in the Psy Babe, Mr. Deity, Phil Zuckerman, and a lot more. Crazy full schedule and plenty of time left to register. And if Southern California is way too far away for you, we've got an alternate event taking place on the same day in the U.S.'s safety country in case

Donald Trump wins the election. The Shift to Reason conference, also on April 30th, is taking place in Regina, which should be more or less thought out by then. Matt Dillahunty, Aaron Ross, Seth Andrews, Nathan Phelps, not to mention all the people I didn't mention. And remember, Americans, be polite and don't shoot anybody. We're trying to butter Canada up. If you want more information, of course, you can find links for all of these events on the show notes for this episode.

And if you're aware of an event that you think our audience would like to know about, let me know. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com. Well, the bell has rung and the numbers are in. And during the two-week Global Giving Open Challenge, Songtaba, the Ghanaian charity assisting women who have been accused of witchcraft, raised a whopping $12,686. That's more than twice as much as they needed to earn a permanent spot on Global Giving's website.

So we're keeping half for us. That's right. And of course, it represents a huge step forward for a damn worthy cause. Obviously, there's no way of knowing exactly how much of that came from the community of scathing atheist listeners but we're just going to take credit for all of it because that's what charity is all about that and insulting other people which is why eli has rejoined us for part two of what's turning out to be a trilogy of vulgarity for charity eli welcome back i'm just glad that we're doing star wars better than star wars did all right so for context of course we promised to trade compliments and insults for donations here we got a pretty healthy response so we're going to pick up where we left off last week which would be with our good friend sterling whose cock has more mass than saint peter's square

and as if we didn't like him enough already he's asked us to insult cardinal pell some more wonderful okay um cardinal pell looks like the the reason Roger Ebert had that cosmetic surgery done. Oh, this is so hard. You look like George Pell is already a fighting word. Yeah, right? How about you look like John Madden fucked a turducken and it miscarried. While that image rolls around in your brain for the rest of your life, we'll move on to Meg, who has so much sexual magnetism you can find her with a compass, and she'd like us to insult her brother-in-law, Eric. We have a picture here.

Oh, Jesus, Eric. You look like all the guys in femdom porn banded together to clone someone who looks more emasculated than them. Yeah, Eric looks like he went to the prom with his mom, and she just won prom queen. He holding the tr all night and a quill she was next up we've got joel whose dick has its own proviso in the tpp and he'd like us to insult uh adrian ayapaloochee who once said he looked like the unabomber okay uh adrian ayapaloochee looks like she's really funny and has a super cool personality. Just go on the date.

Just go on the date. Yeah, you look like the head of the PTA at a yeshiva decided to spend her divorce settlement on stand-up classes. Might be hitting a little close to home there. Okay, so I've got a twofer challenge for you guys because everybody loved it when we did that last week. This one is for Nicole and Dan, whose IQs are so high Tommy Chong proposed an intervention. And the two subjects are Indiana Governor Mike Pence and Donald Trump supporter Stephen Baldwin. God, this is fantastic. Let's go with things they have in common.

Okay. They both look like a ghost took a poop. All right. They both look like a ghost took a poop. All right. They both look like they just committed a war crime like 10 minutes ago. Always look like that. Always, yeah. If you type their name into Google, it autofills rapist question mark. And if you type in rapist question mark, it says, did you mean Mike Pence and Steve

Mulder? If you type in rapist question mark, it says, did you mean Mike Pence and Steve Mulder? Damn. If either of them opened their eyes all the way, you'd be able to tell their skulls are mostly filled with Laffy Taffy. Delicious, delicious Laffy Taffy. All right. Well, this next one is going to be a treat for Eli. I'm sure this is for Rick, whose erectile expansion gives dark energy a run for its

money, and he would like us to insult Estus Perkle some more. Finally! Why do you have so much paper, Eli? Notes on Estus Perkle. Do you just carry that everywhere? Yes, can we go? It's just so much paper. Okay, I'm ready. I'm just going to go.

You look like the body Ted Cruz turned down on the mothership. Okay, I'm ready. I'm just gonna go. You look like the body Ted Cruz turned down on the mothership. You look like Mr. Furley if Three's Company happened on a plantation. You look like Dungeons and Dragons got raped by golf. You look like the hills have eyeglasses. You look like you eat nothing but pies stolen off windowsills. You're a raisin of wrath.

Shit. You guys feel better? You feel better? I have more. So many more. Maybe later. All right. For now, though, we're going to move on to Ken, who's masturbatory ejaculate, usually burns up in reentry.

And he would like you to insult Christian radio host Bob Dutko. Okay, you look like Bill Berg gave up and became a used car salesman. He does. He really does. You look like the devil on Louis C.K.'s shoulder. You look like raggedy Andy cleaned up and

found Jesus after a meth addiction. You look like Tang had a miscarriage. I wasn't ready. I think a bad one. All right, we got to move on anyway. We're going on to Paul, whose semen is taken for virility by bulls who are into alternative medicine,

and he would like us to insult Donald Trump himself. Fantastic. Okay, I want to make this a little challenging because everybody's already insulted Donald Trump. So you have to do it only using compliments. Go. Oh, fuck. You aren't Ted Cruz?

Hold on, though. That's cheating. Paul Ryan already used that one. Oh, right. Right, yeah. how about if i cooked and ate you i imagine it would go better than trump shuttle taste better than trump steaks feel better than one of your shitty ties all right uh compliments only compliments only okay uh donald drumph would make a dignified

president donald drumph succeeded in the casino business four times. Focus on the positive. Donald Drumpf has a nice, even skin tone, and he looks nothing at all like John Boehner got a Roman war helmet during a spray tan. Nothing like that at all. You should Google that. Don't Google that.

You should Google that and show it to your kids. Have your kids Google it and show it to you. Click go and then push the phone towards them and have them describe it. Or just press R like Eli does. He just presses R. It'll be very colorful. Now, the next guy up wants himself insulted, which makes it weird for the guy doing the compliments.

So we also got a donation from Mr. Bible Pants, whose dick is so girthy it won't even fit between the gap in his teeth oh damn i like him he sends me movies okay um you look like kfc and white supremacy decided they wanted the same mascot sorry dude okay no i like daniel too time out scrimmage scrimmage this doesn't count oh scrimmage right um uh Daniel, if you wore yellow pants and an orange shirt, you'd look like a giant candy corn suppository. You look like you took gravy to the prom. You asked for it, sir. You asked for it.

We also had a donation from Noah, who is so complimentary they made him an honorary breathman. And he'd like Eli to make fun of Heath and Heath to make fun of Eli. All right. And he'd like Eli to make fun of Heath and Heath to make fun of Eli. Eli is way funnier than Adrian Iapolucci. He looks like that. He looks way funnier than her. He looks like a human compliment sandwich. Go on the date.

Just go on the date. Okay. Heath looks like the alien inside the old man in Men in Black hung out at the beach too long. You look like melanoma went LARPing. You look like Carrot Top's rebellious son. I'll move out when I move out. I am. I got my money's worth.

All right, so next up we have Kimberly and Sam, who are so knowledgeable the Great Courses subscribes to them And all they gave us were names It's all we have it's a guy named Cam And another guy named Brian Greer So as a special challenge And as a nod to their world renowned knowledgableness We want you to not only insult them But tell them why they needed to be insulted In the first place

Okay Cam looks like Commodus from Gladiator, but snivelier and cleftier. And Sam hates you because your rich dad is going to shut down the teen center. Oh, good one. Good one. He'll be painted blue by the end.

Cam, you look like David Sedaris had chosen to eat meth instead of write books. And I'm guessing Sam doesn't like you because you're the co-worker who puts passive-aggressive post-it notes whenever anyone does anything wrong. The stapler gets filled every time. How about you, Cam? How about you? Throw out the old coffee filters.

Gone. And for Brian? All right. For Brian, Brian is the safety school friend for all his friends, every single one of them. And Kimberly doesn't like you because you really bring nothing to the table as a person. You know how every group has someone that's the worst? It's you. If you hear this, she's going to pretend it's all a joke, but it really is you.

You're the worst. Omega dog. Every group you're in. Omega Dog Every group you're in Okay Brian Greer Smells like someone Shit in his cologne bottle

As a prank About three years ago And no one has the heart To tell him And I'm gonna guess Kimberly Wants us to insult him Because he stole

Her star In Mario Party That bastard Alright So Tim Whose ejaculations Gave Mentos and Diet Coke That idea in the first, would like us to all insult Tom, Gary, and Chuck, who play for the Lakeland Florida senior softball team and will all be voting for Trump. Wonderful.

Okay. If Tom, Gary, and Chuck had a taboo card, you wouldn't be allowed to say diamond-plated cell phone holster. Also, no saying stay on your ground. George Zimmerman, none of that. You all sound like the kind of people who get fired for being racist on Facebook, post one last time about your commitment to Jesus, and then go to jail for embezzlement. All right, then we've got Kenny,

who would have been happy to plug the Deepwater Horizon leak if anybody had just asked. And he'd like us to insult those parents from Alberta, Canada, who murdered their kid by using homeopathy to treat meningitis. Okay, hold on, though. Maybe they were just really pro-choice. I withhold judgment. I withhold judgment. I'm talking later.

Later. 24th trimester. 24th trimester. Exactly. Got it. You guys are like someone traded their soul to the devil for a NatureBox subscription. They've got peanut butter num nubs. I know. I don't even know if they'd take that as an insult.

All right. Michelle, who has so much sexual magnetism, she has a North Pole, a South Pole, and any other pole she'd like,ants us to insult Cindy in Oregon who polices young women's clothing and tells them that their jeans are too tight. Hmm. Okay. Cindy from Oregon needs the loving touch of a young woman's

hand. Or maybe the touch of fallopian tubes around her hand. Either way. Either way. Same thing. It's about breathing. Cindy looks like someone wrote over-the- pants handjob in the book of life. Tiff high, Cindy. All right. We got Oxford comma, who is to standard comma as the vocative comma is to helping your uncle

jack off a horse would like us to insult Pastor James David Manning. Somebody say my name! Oh, we've got another special guest. Pastor Manning, how are you, sir? Oh, God, he smells like old grapes. How come none of the people we summon smell like a human? Not great, Heath! I'm Noah.

Oh, my gosh, I love your boat! Just skip it. Please, just let it go. Yeah, that's probably best. Okay. So what's been going on with you, Pastor? Well, I heard you boys were doing a fundraiser for my buddy Ray. And I was wondering if you'd be interested in giving any of that money to my church.

Yeah, Pastor. I don't know how to tell you. You know what? I do know how to tell you this. Fuck that. There is no chance that that will happen. Hold on, hold on. Wait.

Not so fast. I will give you to tell you this. Fuck that. There is no chance that that will happen. Hold on, hold on. Wait, not so fast. I will give you $12,000. Heath, that money is, we've already got. No, no, no. Let me finish. Let me finish. I'll give you $12,000 if, if you can say any one true thing about the world. Any one true, like water is wet.

You can use that one actually. Literally anything. Go ahead. Faggots? S ahead faggots you can you can go now sir can you give birth to a baby out of your asshole all right so next up we've got matthew whose dick makes the trans alaska pipeline look like a silly straw and he'd like us to insult Ken Ham. All right. Ken Ham.

I got to say, he is so lucky I wasted a bunch of material on him already over the last couple of years. It's like fucking a ninth hooker in a row. I'm still excited. I'm still going to do it, but I'm struggling. All right, no, Eli, you go. I just need a minute. Look at something on my phone here. If Ken Ham exists,

why are there still cum stains on the wall of a Denny's? You ever think of that? Checkmate. That's cerebral. All right. All right. I'm feeling better. I'm feeling ready to go. Ken Ham looks like Buffalo Bill forgot to use some of that lotion from the basket on himself.

All right. We've also got Jacob, whose lovers consider fisting the warm-up and he'd like us to insult chi from xbox live policy and enforcement who upheld the decision to ban his gamer tag fist the pope 69 that's lx by the way yeah exactly and as an added bonus for bonus points here i'd like you to throw in three extra papal brachiovaginal suggestions for future gamer tags okay um well she has obviously never fisted a pope before that's the first thing and noah's only done vaginal stuff clearly um but you know we can do brachioanal stuff too i'd suggest um arcing ropes of schism um or abbott puncher 69. Oh, nice, nice. Or maybe 30 Guys Select Chart.

Up, up, down, down, left, right. Oh, okay. Cheese Neckbeard is so pronounced that most people think he's just a leper from behind. And I'm going to go with It's About Reading, 411, Up to the Eucharist, 27. Oh, nice, nice. And Master of the Starfish Chamber 812. First 811 are taken. Unfortunately.

All right. How about Will, who could have just taken care of Rapunzel from the courtyard? He would like just to insult himself, too. Here's a picture. All right. Will looks like Bill from Barroom atheists cheated on suzy with a hobbit he looks like he's doing math in his head and he's definitely getting it wrong he's a little bit winded and sweaty from it oh bill you look like the one zika baby that makes it

oh he was of the uh the helpful skeptic year who's rational enough to make three sevens look like the square root of two over pi and he would like us to insult evgeny malkin of the pittsburgh penguins and honestly who wouldn't wonderful okay uh evgeny malkin looks like his mom drank too much milk while she was pregnant he looks like a person who was poisoned by milk somehow uh you look like andy sandberg had tracy morgan's car accident much milk while she was pregnant. He looks like a person who was poisoned by milk somehow. You look like Andy Sandberg had Tracy Morgan's car accident. Well done, sir.

That's my cousin. You almost gotta take a fucking minute to look up Evgeny Malkin's image if you haven't. And Tracy Morgan's car accident. Yeah, exactly. And Sandberg. So with apologies to everybody, we weren't able to get to them this week or last week and promises that we are finishing up next week.

I have one final insult for you guys. This one comes from Paul, whose dick is regulated under the Interstate Commerce Clause, and he would like us to insult the three ROTC cadets that gay bashed him in college. All three, by the way, of course, attended Bible services regularly. Shocking. The military generally makes me think about sit-ups, so I'm going to give this one to Heath. Worn out already.

Okay, but now I'm thinking about Eli doing sit-ups, so I'm kind of distracted. More like Twitter. Noah, you go. No, I'll tell you what. I haven't gotten to do one of these yet, and since we're doing the ROTC, I think I can go full drill sergeant on this one. Let me see. You maggots represent

the military about as well as Andrew Wakefield represents modern medicine. You shit stick podunk backward sister fucking homophobes aren't fit to lick peanut butter out of the assholes of the gay people who have served our country. And I suppose you Jesus guzzling ignorant hicks might say there's no atheists and foxholes, but I'd say there's no

soldiering assholes. And while this man you saw fit to denigrate is giving money to charities, the closest you ever came was on two-for-one lap dance night at the Pink Flamingo. The only way you inbred, farmstead, unread, white-bred, misled skinheads serve our country is when we need a before picture, damn it. Private Pyle? Nice. I could be a drill sergeant. I'd run out of breath pretty quick, though.

week and for putting up with all my whiny bitchery about google hangouts if you can't get enough us you'll find links to the video of that hangout as well as the audio only podcast form of his show on the show notes for this episode also neglected to mention last week that you can get a bit of bonus eli on a recent episode of the no religion required podcast with bobby c and miss abby or whatever anyway that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight but we'll be back in 10 022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be on the lookout for a much anticipated episode of our sister show god awful movies we're finally going to get a chance to break down the follow-up to the movie that got it all started, God's Not Dead 2. Eli has been orgasming for about 106 straight hours in anticipation of this one. Should be a blast, and that blast will be available at 8 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday.

Obviously, we couldn't reasonably expect you to consider this a complete episode if I didn't also take a second to thank Heath Enright for being quick with a joker to light up your smoke. I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for all the things she does with her mouth, including this week in misogyny. Obviously, I need to thank Eli one more time for his boundless will of aspersions, and I'd also like to offer a big thanks to Scott of episode 116 fame for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most euphoriant eukaryotes, Angela, Jenny, Kevin, Charles, Lucretius, Patrick, Angel, Matt, Scott, Brian, Daniel, Kristen, Logan, John, Brandon, Sean, Chris, and Eric. Angela, Jenny, Kevin, Charles, Lucretius, Patrick, Angel, Matt, Scott, Brian, Daniel, Kristen, Logan, John, Brandon, Sean, Chris, and Eric. Angela, Jenny, Kevin, Charles, Lucretius, and Patrick, who are so smart they could fuck up the grading curve on a pregnancy test.

Angel, Matt, Scott, Brian, Daniel, and Kristen, who are sharp enough to skin a neutrino. And Logan, John, Brandon, Sean, Chris, and Eric, whose cocks have been on more tongues than Retsin. Together, these 18 able-bodied atheists have amiably aided our aim to alienate the ailing agents of Abrahamic anusry this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money to give us money, but you might. And if you do, you can give it to us through a per-episode donation on patreon.com

slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com or you can just leave little piles of money hidden around in strange locations and then tweet us hints. And if you'd like to help but you spent all your money skywriting, holy fuck did that movie suck over Zack Snyder's house, can't really blame you. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes,

telling a friend about the show, liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter, and or any combination of those things. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. You can go now, sir. Heath.

Sorry. You can go now, sir. Heath. Sorry. That was my line. It is, it is. I don't know if you wanted to say something. Thank you for licking your ass quietly. I'm talking to the cat. Not you.

I did it pretty quietly. Whatever. I thought I was very discreet. And the two subjects are Indiana Governor Mike Spence. Pence, right? Pence. Yeah. I don't know why it says Spence there.

Because I typed it originally. Yeah, but I thought I fixed that. I thought I fixed that. No one corrects my text. He carries over. He has auto-uncorrect. I can't fixed that. I thought I fixed that. No one corrects my stuff. He carries over. He has auto-uncorrect. I can't hear exactly.