The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 167: Wizard of Boz Edition

Episode Date: April 28, 2016

On this week’s episode the Pope frantically downloads Turbotax, Curt Schilling gets bloody sacked, and a Utah republican thinks the jizz on his McDonald’s food got there by accident.CALENDAR LINKS: SkepKon 2016; Hamburg, Germany, May 5-7th: http://www.skepkon.org/ NECSS; New York, NY, May 12-15th: http://necss.org/ SkeptiCal; Oakland, CA, May 15th: http://www.skepticalcon.com/ Imagine No Religion 6; Vancouver, May 20-22nd: http://www.imaginenoreligion.ca/ American Humanist Association 75th Anniversary Conference; Chicago, IL, May 26-29th:http://conference.americanhumanist.org/ GUEST LINK: Click Here to check out the Gaytheist Manifesto Podcast HEADLINES: Vatican unexpectedly halts independent financial audit: http://religionnews.com/2016/04/21/vatican-unexpectedly-suspends-independent-financial-audit/ Christians boycott Target over trans bathroom policy: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2016/04/transgender-bathroom-hysteria-christian-bigots-boycott-target/ TN repeals protections for faith healing parents: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2016/04/tennessee-repeals-protections-for-faith-healing-parents/ Disabled daughter wants to see her faith healing parents prosecuted: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/04/20/disabled-daughter-of-u-s-faith-healers-wants-to-see-her-parents-prosecuted/ ESPN finally fires Curt Schilling: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/04/20/curt-schilling-finally-fired-from-espn-after-posting-anti-trans-meme/ Appeals court rejects claim that teaching evolution “promotes atheism” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/04/21/appeals-court-rejects-lawsuit-claiming-the-teaching-of-evolution-in-kansas-promotes-atheism/ Utah Republican: “The 1st amendment protects me from second hand porn at McDonald’s” http://www.rawstory.com/2016/04/utah-republican-the-first-amendment-protects-me-from-second-hand-porn-at-mcdonalds/ THIS WEEK IN MISOGYNY: Girls forced to wear full dress at water park: http://www.haaretz.com/israel-news/.premium-1.716349 Saudi Therapist offers advice on proper wife-beating: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/04/20/how-to-beat-your-wife-properly-according-to-a-saudi-family-therapist/ This mother fucker right here: http://time.com/4297234/rodrigo-duterte-davao-city-philippines-rape-president-election-jacqueline-hamill/

Warning, the following podcast contains obscene gestures. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new genealogy website for Amish people, Incestor.com. Is your name Jeb Jebediasen? Do Spanish men keep accusing you of killing their father? Curious about how those two things are related? Well, check out our site, Incestor.com. Logjam in the family tree.

And now, the scathing atheist. This is Ari from the Gaytheist Manifesto podcast. When I was a wee babby atheist, I traveled to Memphis for the infamous Matt Dillahunty versus Saiten Brugenkate debate. At the zoo, I saw a male gorilla among his harem. In a display of dominance, that gorilla climbed on top of a log, stood on his knuckles, and proceeded to vigorously twerk for several minutes. Later that same evening, I witnessed precisely this class of behavior sublimated into a pseudo-intellectual form from Mr. Tenbruggenkate. Of all the comparative psychological proof known to date, this is truly the most telling of evidences that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. from Filthy Monkey Men. It's Thursday. It's April 28th.

And apparently I'm in the intro now. I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Walmart Deco, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, the Pope frantically downloads TurboTax. Curt Schilling gets bloody sacked. And a Utah Republican thinks the jizz on his McDonald's food got there by accident.

But first, the diatribe. I was still trying to decide what to do this diatribe about on Tuesday morning when I opened up my inbox, and there at the top sat two consecutive emails that, when taken in tandem, handed me the subject on a platter. The first one was from a blogger who's trying to compile another one of those, you know, X number of arguments that Christians need to stop using lists, and her angle was to reach out to a number of different, you know, bloggers, podcasters, and YouTube personalities to get their nominations. Now, to be perfectly honest, I'm not a big fan of those lists because if God exists isn't at the top of the list, what's the point? And honestly, you know, I don't want to give people who are wrong any advice on how to argue better. I mean, you know, if a theist asks me for advice, I'm tempted to say, no, no, stick with the why are there still monkeys thing.

And we laugh at you at the time, sure, but in private, we really struggle with that one. at the time, sure, but in private, we really struggle with that one. But I'm going to go against my instinct here and offer one piece of advice to all the theist debaters that listen to this show, so nobody. And it was prompted by the second email, which came from a very patient gentleman by the name of Zekri. Now, Zekri and I have been emailing back and forth for the better part of a year at this point. He's a Muslim guy that lives Google knows where, who found something I wrote on the

blog years ago that he took issue with, and he emailed me about it last September. Now, we've been going back and forth, and we're making progress. After only eight months, he's realized that saying, I haven't given up on you yet is insulting as fuck, but he hasn't given up on me. He's absolutely convinced that by the time I'm done reading the Quran, I'll give up on the whole atheism thing and turn to Allah. After all, how could anybody possibly deny the truth of the Quran when they read it with their own eyes? How could anybody possibly deny the deep insights into human psychology that Muhammad offers? How could anyone possibly deny the scientific foreknowledge that Muhammad exhibits over and over again in its pages? Well, I'm learning exactly how to do that, and I'm sharing it

with Zikri along the way, and bless his little heart, he just won't give up. I mean, I have. I'm just stringing him along at this point as an anthropological experiment. But every couple of weeks, he reads another thing on some dumbass Islamic science blog, and he's certain that I'm going to be unable to refute it, so he sends it along. And every one of them is more laughable than the last. Now, he's been on a waves beneath the waves kick lately, and it's so silly that it's kind of crept up into the show a couple of times in the last few months.

But if you're not familiar with the argument, and why would you be, it goes like this. At some point in the Quran, Muhammad makes reference to the waves beneath the waves and the waves beneath them, or something like that. And according to Zikri, oceanographers have recently discovered that there are three layers of independent waves in the ocean, like, you know, whatever, waves of a more saline water or water of a different temperature or something like that, upon which other layers of water sits or something. And the fact that there are three layers, and Muhammad referenced three layers, that's undeniable proof that this information was coming from an all-knowing being, or at least one that knew way

more than any human alive when the Quran was written. Now, I don't know if any of his oceanographic claims are true. Fact-checking every theist that sends me proof of the divine would be a full-time job, and most of the time you don't need to know the facts surrounding the argument to refute it. In this instance, for example, the argument itself is so unsound that even if we grant all the claims that Zikri is making, it still crumbles under the weight of the tiniest dollop of critical thought. So after the umpteenth link he sends me to prove the waves beneath the waves shit, I wrote back a response and sent it to both Zekri and the blogger who wanted my nomination for arguments that religious people need to stop using.

I tweaked it a bit for each recipient, but basically my point in both of them boiled down to this. Just reverse your argument and ask if it would convince you. You know, I asked Zegri to imagine that a new discovery comes along, completely disproves this concept of the tri-layered ocean, and 100% of oceanographers come to accept that there were no waves beneath the waves, or that there are four layers, or eight layers, or something like that. Would you stop believing in the Quran then? Would you say to yourself, well, clearly Muhammad didn't know his shit about wave layers, so the rest of this is probably bullshit too.

And if you wouldn't, why the fuck do you think this is going to convince anybody else? If the same argument with completely opposite assumptions doesn't disprove your argument, why would you even bring it up? And with apologies to the longtime listeners that are saying, hey, didn't you just bring this up in the diatribe for episode four? I want to note that this strategy deflates almost every theistic argument, and it usually shortens them too, because as often as not, the assumption the theist is starting with are actually the opposite of the correct ones, right? So if you ask for a commitment from the person that you're debating, if you say, okay, but if I can disprove all the assumptions you went into this argument with,

will you admit that the only logical conclusion is that God doesn't exist? And if they're unwilling to make that concession, and trust me, they are, you've already proven that A, their argument is unconvincing, and or B, they're not engaged in a sincere debate. So that's my advice to Christian debaters and religious debaters in general, even those on the atheistic side. Before you offer the argument, reverse it and ask yourself if you find it convincing. If not, scrap it and find another argument. And the beauty of this strategy

is that if the theists adopt it, it's not going to lead to them arguing better, it's just going to lead to them arguing less. They're talking about your Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the wonder twins of atheism heath then right and eli bosnick fellas i'm proud to be gleek to your zan and jana i call jana i call jane lynch form of tiger you know she was she still has a cooler power than Zan, I'm sure. In our lead story tonight, the Catholic Church continued being a less competent rapier version of Enron last week when they had to call a timeout on a financial audit.

Huh. Which is pretty much the exact same thing as failing a financial audit. Nearly indistinguishable. Yeah, it's actually worse because now we can assume whatever we want about just how badly they failed. So we notice this charge for industrial tub of Big Joe's

little boy lip. Time out. Because what they're saying is the worst shit you can make up is probably at least as bad as what we're actually doing. I'd rather assume they just don't understand probabilities and shit, but the scarier option is that they're actually doing the math right. Very possible. So here's the timeline.

Earlier this year, the Vatican hired PricewaterhouseCoopers to find some extra money to compensate rape victims' wink. money to compensate rape victims wink. So the investigators looked around and they were like, hey, we found a bunch of extra money to compensate rape victims not wink. At which point the Vatican suspended the whole operation. And if this was a football game, just to give

you an idea, it would have been like secret game losing field goal, timeout after the losing field goal, move the goalposts, enforce non-disclosure agreement about the secret field goal, move the goalposts, enforce non-disclosure agreement about the secret field goal, and then pretend the game is still going. That's basically what happened.

This is basically the Calvin Ball of financial audits. Brought to you by the Calvin Ball of religions, too. Also, by the way, kudos to Spellcheck for not underlining Calvin Ball. All one word. Awesome. Here's the most ridiculous part of this whole thing though the vatican paid for the audit themselves they paid for their own audit this

wasn't like the irs checking their shit this was the guys they hired this was a game that they paid for and definitely rigged so they could win and they still managed to lose. So really quick, I want to reenact the meeting these people definitely had. Eli, you've got a perfectly accurate George Pell accent, right? Yeah. That's fat Adam Rieks. More or less, yes. A little rapier, but yeah, you got the idea. Like dead Adam Rieks who's rotted for a couple of weeks.

Perfect. We can only hope. I can do it. Okay. So you're dead fat Adam Rieks who's rotted for a couple of weeks, George Pell, and I'm the auditor guy. And this pretty much happened. So it's like, hey, Cardinal, good to see you again.

You guys ready to start the audit? Yep. We're all ready. How you going? How you going? All right. Good. Just one final warning.

There's a pile of Nazi gold in the corner of this room right now. No, there isn't. Yeah. Yeah, there is. It's right there. You actually showed me that in our first meeting, and I told you to move it. Something tells me you won't find anything. Wink.

Wink. Okay. I reject your wink. We have no understanding. Sure we don't, we do not Wink, wink Okay, you know what, I don't even care We get paid either way

Good commitment Wow, okay, just one last thing This is for your own good Do not call timeout It's literally the worst thing you could do Just don't call timeout We won't, don't worry, good hidden stat 3, T,

1, game. We found Nazi gold. Timeout. Really? Really? What did we just talk about? We just had a little... Are you serious? I winked and you winked back. And then I would say... Found it? It's like these guys are losing money on Solitaire while they're cheating.

Fucking amazing. And even now, it's still not clear whether the Vatican understands anything that's happening. I really don't think that they get this was a bad thing, because their official explanation for the suspended audit was,

oh, yeah, we're stalling while we change the secret rules. And then we'll let them go again, and we'll pass the test that we're writing. All part of the trick. That's their official statement. And then we'll let them go again and we'll pass the test that we're writing. All part of the trick. Right. That's their official statement. And in urine trouble news tonight,

the Christian obsession with trans people's urines ramped up another notch last weekend when the American Family Association reminded the country that they're not going to take the issues of women's

micturation sitting down. In response to a recent statement from retail giant Target, which expressed unity with transgender customers and encouraged them to use whichever restroom or fitting room matches their gender identity,

the AFA circulated a petition that encouraged Christians to boycott Target until they started checking for penises at the ladies' room door. And, I mean, doesn't it seem like, if anything, people would be boycotting the stores with penis checkpoints? Just, you know, intuitively?

I do. Yeah. Honestly, I hope we start seeing some trans activists doing shit-ins at other types of stores that haven't done this. Hell do yeah. Callie, you know what to do. Make it happen. So this petition netted over 325,000 signatures within the first day of its circulation. And as embarrassing as it is that more than one out of every thousand Americans was so quick to make their bigotry a matter of public record like that i'm sure target was

comforted by the fact that virtually all of them were walmart folks right i love how 50 years from now all these people are going to be like oh that well yeah mommy mostly posted minion memes but yeah i signed that too right well and the shit that's really going to make timmy want to disown or was the actual wording of the petition okay so here it is in its entirety quote targets store policy endangers women and children by allowing men to frequent women's facilities until target makes the safety of women and children a priority i will shop elsewhere you know they had to sound out elsewhere and plus the toy section is basically a pansexual orgy of gay dolls and lesbian action figures and transformers they're not happy about this the afa

is not happy with target not at all and now i have to say okay i am fucking done with this argument there is absolutely no difference between this and the assholes that argue that letting blacks use the same restrooms as whites was dangerous to the women. Yeah, same thing, pretty much. I mean, if they were really worried about children being molested,

they'd be boycotting church. At least then the numbers would be on their side. But look, it's against the law for me to wave my dick at people in both public restrooms. It's illegal for me to molest people in all locations.

Yes, the sexual assault laws are already unisex what the fuck are we talking about yeah i mean the only possible way you can make this stupid fucking argument is if you want to say like i want to make sure all public restroom molestation is genetically homosexual which is racist i've seen a lot of these self-forgiving bigots on social media trying to argue that they're not disparaging trans people because they're worried about cisgendered perverts taking advantage of these policies. But you might as well be appealing to phrenology. There is absolutely no way to interpret that bigoted little petition other than as a claim that trans women are sexual predators. Right.

I also love how the mentality here is like if enough people agree that trans people aren't people, we know Target will go backward in their beliefs like that's not how progressives work that's how chick-fil-a works you know yeah right like oh yeah that guy died we love the gays now us love the gays nobody's gonna be boycotted into bringing back slavery they're just sitting there being like dude all these gay guys just bought our candles i don't't know what we did right. This is a great week for us. And by the way, since the AFA brought up safety, it's probably worth pointing out that in the shadow of their illusory prejudicial phantasm of a threat to the safety of women and children is an actual verifiable threat to the safety of trans people

that these kind of public declarations exacerbate. So while I'm sure Target will be devastated by the drop-off in sales of Bible quote jelly beans and James Patterson books, I'm sure that's outweighed by the fact that unlike all the small-minded tit-hairs that signed that petition, the grandchildren of Target's upper management won't be ashamed of their genealogy.

Yeah. Fucking great job by Target. Great job. Watershed moment. I have a stream. Pee at last. You've got to imagine what's going on in the Walmart boardroom right now. They were like, we like, oh, what's the next thing?

Polysexuals, right? Gender is weird. Look at this. Our CEO will fuck a dog. I don't know. We don't know how this works. Of course, not everybody's upset about Target's new bathroom policy, and we're receiving late-breaking reports that a local pervert actually has taken advantage of this new policy in an effort to sneak a peek. For more on that, we go to the field with my lovely wife, Lucinda.

Lucinda, can you hear us? I sure can, Noah. Panic broke out at this Target in Bayonne, New Jersey today when a secret pervert posing as trans used Target's new policy to sneak into the women's bathroom. He then immediately began sexually assaulting everyone and everything in sight. Uh-huh. And I understand you're actually with the culprit now, is that correct? Yes, Noah, I am. Hi, Noah.

Hi. Oh, fuck, is that Eli? Sure is. God, dude, have you been recording from the ladies' room at Target this whole time? Yeah. So, sir, why don't you take this opportunity to tell us exactly the motivation for your malicious crimes? Thanks, Lucinda. Your hair looks soft. Don't touch me.

Fair. Well, when I learned that Target had left a gaping hole for perverts like myself in their bathroom policy, I realized this was a golden opportunity. I zipped right over to my doctor and underwent months of embarrassing, accusatory therapy that was most likely not covered by my insurance in order to get the hormones needed to start transition. Then, once I had properly defended my desire to be a different gender to a total fucking stranger, I was finally granted a prescription for a host of mind-blowingly expensive drugs, none of which were covered by insurance, with a myriad of side effects and nightmarish consequences. And because that went so well, I took the final step, which of course was an invasive, dangerous surgery, for which I had to pay almost entirely out of pocket, and travel to a hospital willing to do it all at a

cost that boggles the mind of anybody not constantly carried around on a Palantine. With my transition complete, all that was required was for me to run the joyful gamut of bigots, the increased chance of being murdered and assaulted, as well as the all-too-common rejection from friends and family at a time when I am recovering both physically and mentally from one of the largest decisions one can make in life, until at long last I was able to enter the women's bathroom where I tried to grab someone's boob

and was arrested. Turns out that despite the protests of many reliable hate groups, it is, in fact, still illegal to try to fuck people without their permission. Oh, okay. But I have to ask, I mean, if you were going to break the law anyway,

why go through all that? Why not just grab somebody's boob or go into the bathroom anyway well fuck well i think that's gonna do it for the live report lucinda thanks once again no problem no i do any of you guys know how to grow a penis hell bro i can't even grow the one that i have like if i plug my nose can't help you next up it's time for another good idea, bad idea. First, the good idea. The Tennessee Senate approved a new bill last week that will make it more difficult for religious parents to kill their children without consequences. Promising.

That was nice. That was nice. And now the bad idea. The Idaho Senate did nothing at all like that last week, and therefore it remains quite easy for religious parents to kill their children without consequences in Idaho. Like they handed out ash boxes? What's the deal? What are we talking about? Like, oh, Carly Fiorina babysitting service.

I'm so happy she's back. I'm sorry. I'm just saying. I missed her I'm sorry. I'm just saying. I missed her. Well, Story didn't mention that, so maybe, maybe. But the good news is the bill in Tennessee is going to repeal a 1994 spiritual exemption law, which is exactly like it sounds. It says that anyone with a sincerely held philosophical belief is allowed to deny their children life-saving medical treatment and go with faith healing instead.

Oh, great. Or any other kind of ghost magic that you want to perform while your child dies. As long as you have a note from your local wizard. And seriously, the note thing is a real part of the law. It says that. Oh, you need a note? You need a note from a legitimate a note. From a legitimate wizard.

A legitimate wizard. Yeah. But fortunately for treatable dying children, Tennessee finally nailed down a state book and a state rifle, which meant they still had a little bit of time left over to become the 44th state. 44th state to make negligent homicide of children illegal across the board 44th progressive as in fuck this stupid country as in exactly yes so wait now here's my question if i have a sincerely held belief can i deny other people's children medical someone just brings a baby on

a plane i can be like i don't know one of the gnats is pretty sure that kid doesn't need his insulin. Don't talk to me. Talk to Fujin. I believe that only works if you're flying out of Mississippi. But yeah. Also on riverboats, yeah. Kill kids on boats, too. Can we talk about how fantastic that law title is? It seems like something that would have to happen

after the Ghostbusters saved New York. Like, all right 1994 spiritual exemption law all right so uh anyway quick note on the bad idea as well there's a girl in idaho who made news recently for this exact reason it's ridiculous it's horrible she was born with an easily fixable heart deformity, but her parents are Christian lunatics. So they refused to let a doctor use a fucking piece of duct tape and fix the entire problem when she was two. And despite this leading to a lifetime of completely avoidable medical issues, these parents can't be held accountable there because sincerely held child abuse remains legal. Yes, because the fucking Idaho state government is literally indistinguishable from 18 bad guys. I just picture every decision they make ends with a duel.

Just like 10 pieces of fire, new bill. So bottom line, it seems like this is one of those times when federalism breaks down a little bit. A little bit, yeah. In particular, the part where we allow for a state-by-state market solution on the negligent homicide of five-year-olds. I mean, I understand that every state wants to decide how they're going to compete, figure out their strategy. But, you know, maybe we just shut down the market for everyone. That entire market. That's all I'm saying. Like, no letting children die on purpose.

Gotta be number one in something, motherfucker. No shit. And in news tonight, Heath and I uncorked a long overdue bottle of champagne last Wednesday when ESPN finally got around to firing senior bigotry analyst Kurt Schilling. Amazing. Of course, you might recall Schilling from episode 133

when we reported on his public declaration that Muslims were pretty much Nazis, or perhaps episode 133 when we reported on his public declaration that Muslims were pretty much Nazis, or perhaps from episode 92 when we reported on his effort to expose the evolution conspiracy by pointing to the lack of transitional fossils between the transitional fossils, or maybe from the episode after that when we reported on one of Schilling's colleagues getting suspended for pointing out what an asshat he was being on the topic of evolution. Yeah, or perhaps you remember him as the red socks pitcher who rigged up a geyser of stage blood in his fucking socks so he looked like he was playing through a gunshot wound from jango playoffs you know someone's bad when i know who they are and they're a sports person i'm like oh yeah kurt schilling he's an asshole yeah right well it turns out that

kurt finally found the straw man that broke the camel's back right after he shared a disgustingly bigoted meme against transgender bathroom rights. And I guess some of the higher ups came in while he was raping the camel with the broken back. So they fired him. Right. And you have to wonder, like, what did that meeting go like? Like, oh, Kurt, we got to let you go. Like, oh, Muslim Nazi thing. No, no, no. We're fine with that.

Like evolution thing. No, no, no. Is it because I shit in the copier? Why don't you just let us tell you we'll tell you why you're getting shorter it's gonna take forever stop we go stop we go so this long overdue termination came in the wake of a meme that shows some dude in fishnets and a g-string next to the words this is a quote let him in to the restroom with your daughter or else you're a narrow-minded judgmental unloving racist bigot who needs to die and then just to make sure nobody mistook this for casual bigotry schilling at his own let's call them thoughts as well quote a man is a man no matter

what they call themselves i don't care what they are who they sleep with men's room was designed for the penis women's not so much Now you need laws telling us differently? Pathetic, end quote. Okay, so he thinks it's an issue of engineering. And the problem is going to be all these trans women with penises, they're just going to walk into the ladies' room and start peeing on the wall. Apparently urinals are the only reason Curt Schilling doesn't just pee on the wall as soon as he walks into a bathroom. Also, you've got gotta wonder like i love how he tried to assert in the like i'm

not racist but of like i don't care who you fuck i just want to keep you from the bathroom you identify with like we were gonna wait wait he's kind of riding the middle ground here it's just about the wall p catchers it's just the wall pea catchers and of course personal just to make it clear that his understanding of paleontology and gender expression were exactly on par with his understanding of constitutional law schilling is whining that his termination somehow violated his right to free speech so but he said right just to state the obvious i'm a pathetic little bigot who's obsessed with other people's defecatory habits and you your fired asshole

are both protected under the First Amendment. But for whatever's worth, Kurt, if you're looking for work, I might have something for you. According to our corporate policies here at The Scathing Atheist, trans employees are only allowed to piss on Christian bigots. To be clear, they're allowed to bring those Christian bigots into whatever

restroom they feel best suits their gender identity. And speaking of which, I need to rinse Josh Fierstein off real quick, so we'll pause for a piss break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. You can't prove that pee's not real. A man wrote the Bible? A horse, which one? If it's a legitimate race. It is a slut, right?

Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man! This Week in Massage. I swear, every week I see a new game of Who's the Worst Human Being on the Planet play out in my inbox. I'll read one story and say, let's hope that's the most depressing shit I read today. And that hope will be dashed two clicks later. So I've elected to recreate my stages of anxious depression for you

with a series of stories that represent escalating stages of outrage. Our first story this week comes from astute listener Paul, who sent me a link to a story out of Israel about a water park where all the girls have to cover themselves from head to toe due to modesty concerns. Apparently, they weren't too worried about boys running around in their underwear, but the pervs that make the rules can't trust themselves around the exposed ankles of eight-year-old girls. But I should point out that this isn't one of those issues of sexism that only affects women, regardless of this park's rules. I've also seen pictures of acidic boys swimming in head-to-toe full Jew regalia,

all under the ridiculous flag of modesty. And few things highlight that like watching a bunch of innocent kids try to cool off in a soaking wet black suit. And keep in mind, this is the least outrageous of the three stories we're dealing with tonight. So in an effort to ramp up your blood pressure a little more, we'll swing south to Saudi Arabia in a YouTube video sent to me by astute listener Glenda. This is a video from Saudi family therapist Khalid Al-Sarkabi, who wanted to offer his advice on how one should probably beat one's wife in keeping with Islamic tradition. And apparently the gist of his advice is not too hard. To his credit, you should first

try reasoning with her and then withholding the D. But if none of that works, you have no choice but to physically abuse her or stop being Muslim. Now, he does say that the beating should be symbolic. You should use something like a handkerchief or a toothpick so that you only harm her emotionally. All that being said, these rules about not hurting her that much go out the window if A, she wants to live a life of equality with her husband and B, if she's asking for it. And if you were thinking to yourself, holy shit, you have a story that's even more despicable than the Saudi Arabian wife-beating one,

clearly you haven't met the Donald Trump of the Philippines, Rodrigo Duterte. So before we get into the details of this story, I want to emphasize one thing, and I want it to be echoing through your head throughout. Both before and after the story I'm about to tell you, this guy was leading in the Philippine presidential polls. So now to the outrage. You know how when conservative politicians in the U.S. talk about rape, it always goes bad? Well, it turns out there's a level of worse from which you can no longer even see Todd Akin. And holy shit, did Duterte find it. He was caught on tape discussing a notorious 1989 prison riot in a city where he was serving as mayor. During the melee, a number of women were raped and murdered, and one of the

victims was an Australian missionary named Jacqueline Hamill. So when Duterte was asked about the riot, for a second it sounded good. At first he talked about seeing this beautiful woman that had been raped and beaten, and what a terrible shame it was. But then he didn't shut up. He carried on to explain that the reason it was such a shame is because as the area's mayor, he should have gotten to rape her first. He told this to a crowd at a campaign rally. Of course, his presidential opposition called him everything from disrespectful to women to a crazy maniac. And Duterte's response? To come out publicly and vehemently deny reports that he apologized for saying that. He stood by it. What's more, he defended it as the way men talk. The response from Australia and the U.S. for that

matter was nowhere near as dismissive, however. In fact, both nations criticized him so heavily that he's now promising to cut ties with them if he's elected. No word yet on where he'll build his wall or who he thinks will pay for it. So now that we've reached the end of our little trip down misogyny lane, I feel like I should wrap a characteristically positive bow on the whole thing. So when you look at the poll numbers, America, just remember it actually could be worse. And with that, I'll hand things back over to Noah and Heath. Thank you, Lucinda.

And in Darwin's Again news tonight, an appeals court in Kansas has rejected a lawsuit against a Kansas school board that was accused of promoting religion by teaching evolution. This is actually a story that we've been following on and off since episode 33, when the suit was originally filed in September of 2013. So apparently it took the courts in Kansas 134 episodes to officially call bullshit on the claim that teaching evolution promotes the religion of atheism okay but even if it did promote atheism um all the stuff you don't learn actually promotes theism well there you go study hall lunch vacations summer breaks sick days all promoting theism yeah that's pretty fair kind of balances out so the group that filed

citizens for objective public education claimed that new standards adopted by the board endorsed a godless worldview by teaching among other verifiably true things evolution and and for whatever it's worth i'm sympathetic to their claim because all efforts to teach children any true things promote a godless worldview, but if you want legal recompense for that, you have to sue God for not existing. You have to wonder at some point in the meeting when they were putting the suit

together if they were like, hey, you guys want to include math too? There's like a bunch of shit in there that proves us wrong. Three pies, exactly three or whatever the fuck it is. Let the three pies, exactly three or one of the fucking... Let's get them. Do you know we were the bad guys in Scarlet Letter? Yes, you're reading that too.

Can you believe that shit movie? Anyway, U.S. District Judge Daniel Crabtree examined the case while back, wrote the words fuck off in legalese, and washed his hands of it by citing the fact that the plaintiffs, quote, did not claim specific enough injuries to allow the case to go forward, end quote. Show me on the doll where the teacher educated him. Basically, yes. Show me on the finch. Did he make you touch the beak?

Did you touch the beak? But, of course, a group of people united under a mutually reinforced inability to comprehend natural selection can't exactly be expected to wrap their heads around stuff like you can't sue for that dumbass. So, of course, they appealed the ruling. And it looks like this story finally has a bow on it after the appeals court upheld the original fuck off last week and i love this little snippet from the appeals court dismissal quote cope's allegation amount to psychological consequences produced by observation of conduct with which it disagrees end quote in other words there's no law against

pissing you off also atheism is a religion? I mean, that's ridiculous. But still, I wonder what that would be like. That would be like. That would be like. Hello? Hi, good morning. Dude, it's like 6 a.m.

What are you doing? It sure is. And what a glorious day randomness has made. Do you have a moment to talk about atheism? No. Wait, what? Atheism? Yeah, sure.

Why not? Come in. Thank you so much. You have a lovely home. Someday it will return to dust. Thank you? You're welcome. Anyway, have you heard the good news?

What good news? We do not know what happens when you die. Okay, how is that good news? It's not. It's really perfectly natural by definition, really. Yeah, I guess. But the better news is that you can fully embrace the fact that we do not actively believe in a god or gods today. Uh-huh. Okay, um, how do I do that? Okay, well, are you believing in a god right now?

No. Good. You're done. Have a pamphlet. This is blank. It sure is. I'm in. Sure is. I'm in. And finally tonight, we have a follow-up on last week's story about Utah's new official resolution that declares pornography as a public health crisis.

Man, really? All it takes is for me to drive through a state now at this point. I guess so. So apparently state Senator Todd Weiler, the guy who sponsored the bill, thought it'd be a good idea to talk about his reasoning publicly. And he was incorrect. Really bad idea. But nobody told him that. during which he explained how the existence of porn violates his First Amendment right of living in a universe free of all things I don't like. Well, right. Okay, here's what he says. Quote, that's what I think is often lost in First Amendment discussion,

because someone may have the First Amendment right to view pornography, but what about my First Amendment right to not view it? End quote. Yeah, it's strange how no sane, informed people ever bring the right up that you just mentioned while they're discussing. I can't imagine why. First Amendment radius. That's not how that goes.

They don't mention that you're right under the dividing by zero clause or being eternally teabagged by Wood Elves clause. It's probably some kind of conspiracy Jewish liberal media kind of thing. I'll ask at the next meeting. I would appreciate it. Sort that shit out. Yeah, so this is an elected official who thinks the First Amendment is just,

I get what I want and don't want all the time. Yep. Which is exactly what crazy people say, indeed. But he made it even worse when he started trying to explain that porn is just like cigarettes. What? He complained that

when restaurants like McDonald's provide Wi-Fi access, they might as well be giving out cigarettes. That'd be nice. At which point, the host, Tony Perkins, jumped in and tried to rescue his guest by suggesting, um, maybe you mean second-hand porn is just like secondhand smoke.

Is that what you mean? And while I was like, yeah, that's an awesome analogy. That's an awesome analogy. That's clearly what I meant from now on. Yeah. So wait, to clarify, I'm not supposed to share the porn I'm watching at McDonald's with other tables because I ruined that child's birthday. You're ruined.

He'll never see the Hamburglar the same way again. Well, also, and I think this is the most important question that arises from his bizarre equivocation. Where does he think the cigarettes go? Also, I'm curious about where Todd Weiler got his very detailed knowledge of teenage jerk parties at McDonald's because, I mean, Eli might have ruined that birthday party, but that was a fluke, right? I think it was a salmon actually. I wasn't really looking at his face. I don't know. It's nothing like Weiler is describing on your average day.

Is that fair, Eli? Right? Okay. Okay. Well, all that being said, in fairness to Weiler, Utah apparently ranks number one out of all 50 states in terms of pornography subscription rates. So that's some creepy stuff going on. Who the fuck pays for subscription porn? I watch free porn several hours a day, and I've never searched for something and got no results. And I have searched for everything.

Lock eyes with me, Noah. Everything. So that's very alarming. But either way, good luck taking porn from their cold dead claw-like hands in Utah. Way to ignore your constituents. We watch the most porn in the world and that's why

I, a guy who people have to vote for, would like to ban it. It's like if New York decided giant piles of trash were going to be illegal. It's who we are. We're like if Chicago banned murder, exactly. All right. So no need to describe. Well, we're going to go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock, and it's going to be public service announcements about the dangers of porn and cigarettes collectively.

Oh, I see. Go. All right. All right. How about the sploogian general's warning? Quitting stroking now greatly reduces risks to your health. Let's avoid girth defects, too. Yeah, there you go.

Virgin general's warning. Nailed that pun. Okay, what about cigarettes and porn? The stains on your fingers and teeth just aren't worth it. You eventually lose control. Trust us. Just because it feels amazing doesn't mean it feels amazing. Wait, what?

Remember, a carcinogen without onan is just a kirkage. Word play. Word play. Warning, cigarettes and porn are known to cause strokes in the state of Utah. Oh, strokes. I get it. Anyway, strokes. Strokes. I got a catchy one.

Not one fluff the more you blow. Oh, there you go. There you go. How about porn equals cigarettes because all the shit you had from your mom was equally bad. Christianity in a nutshell. All right. Porn and cigarettes. Each time you do it, it takes seven minutes out of your life.

You can probably learn to speed that up by taking two at a time. Still. Okay. Porn and cigarettes made in Florida, packaged in L.A. So the rest of America never has to go to either place. How about porn and cigarettes? If they both have sucking, blowing, packing butts, and occasionally snuff, how could they be different? What about no smoking or bukkake parties within 20 feet of the entrance of a public building?

And don't blow it in people's faces. It's the right thing to do. It's the right thing to do. It's the right thing to do. I mean, unless they want you to. Well, unless they ask. Porn and cigarettes? Something's turning blue. You got to choose.

Like, one of them. That's a choice. That's a thinker. All right. Well, I think I've made it exactly as far into this subject as I can without pausing for a quick smoke and some porn. So we're going to wrap up the headlines for the night. Heath, thanks as always. Chat roulette. And Eli, thanks as just, you know, kind of this time.

Girth! Other side of chat roulette, don't lie. We'll probably get in trouble with the EEOC. Does your child suffer from an easily curable disease? Do they have the flu? Need a blood transfusion? A simple life-saving operation? Ask your doctor about Sincerity.

Sincerity is a non-medical treatment for children from infancy right up to the age when they're old enough to go, yeah, I'd like some fucking medicine, please. And it's shown to be completely ineffective in cases of cancer, gout, jaundice, leukemia, and heart disease. Side effects will most certainly include renal failure, blindness, deafness, heart failure, kidney failure, brain damage, paralysis, and death. Sincerity. Because God's got this right this message was approved by the idaho state senate all right fellas thank y'all so much for coming out to the first meeting of citizens for objective public education holy shit i just realized that the acronym for our group is cope but that's not the point what we're here to do is put forward some solid ideas to get rid of all the subjects in school currently pushing the agenda of atheism.

Yes, Dave. Yeah, well, I think first and foremost, the most important, obvious one to get rid of is evolution. I mean, if evolution is true, then the beginning of the Bible didn't happen. That's a great start. Great start, Dave. Yeah, and pretty much all of biology, too. Like, DNA proves that Adam and Eve, that story is impossible. So, yeah, that has to go, too.

Oh, yeah. I mean, like, sorry, jump on that. Like, good idea, good idea. Like, bats aren't birds. They're being pushed pretty hard on our kids these days. Yeah, yeah. I'm not so sure. Do we sue bats in that case?

We sued bats last week, actually. Oh, sorry. Also math. Really? Take me there. Walk me through that. So, like, pi not equaling three is pretty heavily prophylatized in nearly every math classroom in the country. True that.

True that. Now, also, physics is out. Oh, fuck yeah. History. Like, all of it and in astronomy what with that stars are too big to fall on the earth rigmarole all right stay with me here english often includes other fictional stories and i feel like if we got people quote unquote reading that's never a good start right there's a reason why they didn't hand out the Bible. That's true. That's true. All right. So we need to get rid of reading, all of the sciences, math, and history.

Now, I hate to play devil's advocate, but what subjects does that leave? Gym? Gym it is. All right. I think that is a fantastic education and a fantastic start. Good job, guys. Yeah, good job, everybody. Good job.

Now, why did we sue bats? Too fuckable. Oh, right. I remember that. I fucked the shit out of a bat. Good. Bats. It's time for the Atheist Calendar portion of the show.

This is the monthly couple of minutes we set aside to talk about all the great atheist, secular, and skeptical events going on around the country and around the world. This month, we're going to make like a world war and start in Germany, specifically in Hamburg, where SkepCon will be taking place between May 5th and 7th. The website's in German, so I had a little trouble navigating to the speaker list, but as near as I can sell, this website, Verwendet Cookies, Einverstanden. From there, we'll move to New York City for the event I lost my skeptical conference virginity to. That's the

Northeast Conference on Science and Skepticism, aka Nexus. I'd say at at this point it's not too controversial to call this one the premier annual skeptical conference in the u.s this year speaker list includes richard weisman bill nye harriet hall george rob julia galef baba brinkman the side babe john mcworter and of course the whole skeptics guide crew and as if that's not enough i hear a rumor that our very own eli bosnick might be snooping around there somewhere also it's new york fucking city it'd be worth it just for the pizza anyway that's may 12th to the 15th extra shows and workshops and shit throughout but if you're on the wrong side of the country for that, you might be able to check out Skeptical in Oakland, California the same weekend. This one-day event takes place on Sunday, May 15th. The brilliant and beautiful Indre Viscontis is anchoring a lineup of awesome

science-y shit. I'm sure the pizza's nothing to write home about, but I hear Oakland has great crack. Of course, for our Western Canadian listeners, we've got a big one in Vancouver running from May 20th to the 22nd. Imagine No Religion 6 has a stellar lineup, including A.C. Grayling, Julia Sweeney, Mr. Deity, Michael Shermer, and more. They've got a pretty promising comedy show as well called Stand Up for Mental Health. And average high temperatures in Vancouver are only about 8 degrees shy of comfortable in May. Celsius, that is. Save the date. And since we already hit both coasts of the U.S. and made pizza references, I guess we can throw a bone to Chicago, too. Not that there aren't plenty of murder victims in the street who aren't using their bones,

but they have an Atheist Conference this year, too. The American Humanist Association's 75th anniversary conference is taking place May 26th to the 29th. Jerry Coyne's going to be there, and he's crazy smart, so being there is probably a good idea in general. Also, friend of the show, Callie Wright of the Gatheist Manifesto podcast is going to be there, so it'll probably be worth putting up with all the people calling marinara-filled kiddie pools pizza for a couple of days to make it. If you want more information, of course, you can find links to all of these events on the show notes for this episode, and if you're aware of an event that you think our audience would like to know about, let me know.

You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. On last week's show, we mentioned that Chucky's grandfather, Ken Ham, requires that a prospective employee at his arc park provide a letter from their pastor, that they sign a statement of belief agreeing to AIG's views on biblical creationism, not to mention gays, trans people, fornicators, adulterers, and pornography, and that they further provide a written account of their own statement of belief. And as fucked up as all of that is, apparently it's legal. So we've decided to revamp our hiring policies a little bit before bringing Eli on full time. So first of all, Eli, thanks for coming in today.

Glad to be here. Thank you. Excellent. Okay, so before we get started, I'll need you to agree to the new scathing atheist statement of beliefs. So please freely choose to agree with all of the following statements. You ready? Okay, I'm ready. First statement, I believe that Jesus was a needy asshole

with an absentee father. Done. I believe that Noah could totally fuck Jesus up in a fair fight. I imagine it would come down to hair pulling, but sure. I believe that Muhammad was fucking little girls so his penis would fill up a whole hand.

Something, something, cast the first stone. I believe that Ken Ham looks like his Wolverine mask melted off when he mistook the industrial fryer for the bobbing for apples tub. Yes. I believe that the new Star Wars movie was just okay. I refuse. And also Hillary Clinton is a great candidate. He said yes to both.

All right, all right, all right. That's what it says on my notes all right now burning your bus i'm voting for jill stein i'm so sorry so sorry no illusions it's scathing all right now i also see here of course that you provided a letter from a pastor telling us that you can have his church when you make babies come out of your asshole so uh check um just have a couple of questions here before we move on to your statement of disbelief. First of all, why do you want to be a full time scathing atheist? Well, I'm really hoping to bring a level of maturity to the show that wasn't there before.

That was you. That was me. Okay. What do you think you'll bring to the business as a full-time partner? I want to say hate mail. I'm sure Tom and Cecil will appreciate you redirecting it. Okay. This next one is kind of a two-part question. Have you ever participated in a live action game of Quidditch? And if so, how does that work with the snitch and all?

Yes, it doesn't. it's just nerds running around playing volleyball i see okay all right that's what i figured okay um can you tell us a bit about your employment history up to now okay i worked mostly with children and rubber thumbs for the last day that's perfect that's perfect it's funny because it's true okay and of course if i shrunk you down to the size of a nickel and threw you in a blender, how would you get out? Centrifugal force. A faux force. Centripital, whatever.

All right, now we've got a quick bit of word association. So just tell us the first word or phrase that comes to your mind when we say the following things. Okay, I'm ready. Hit me. Richard Dawkins. Crazy Grandpa. Sam Harris. Vaccinations.

Christopher Hitchens. Secret Christian. Dan Tennkins. Crazy Grandpa. Sam Harris. Vaccinations. Christopher Hitchens. Secret Christian. Dan Tennant. Who's that? Fetus Cookies. Girl Scout. Ark Encounter Theme Park.

Holocaust Waterslide. William Lane Craig. Knock Down Drag Out. Pat Robertson. Dobby's a Good House Elf. Catholic. Only Mouth Stuff. Baptist. Trump 2016. dobby's a good house elf um catholic only mouth stuff baptist trump 2016 muslim super great don't kill me jew shit they saw me sorry old habit and finally of course we've asked that you provide a written statement of disbelief do

you have that with you i do yes give yes. Give me one second. Sorry. Could you read it aloud, please? Yeah, yeah. Dear Mr. Lucians, I'm writing you because I'd like to apply for the position of movie critic and holy book reader that you listed on Monstrous.com.

I have many ungodly characteristics, as you can see from my attached LinkedIn profile. First among them being that I have a LinkedIn profile, which I regularly send absolute strangers requests on. These include, but are not limited to, approval and attendance at gay marriages, trying it in college and not liking it to the ears, thinking trans people are people, and like most atheists, having read the first third of The End of Faith. our people, and like most atheists, having read the first third of the end of faith. Attached, you'll find several

rejection letters from local pastors to my request for a reference. I'd like to note that three of them end with, you know what you did. Very impressive. Thank you. Finally, as a personal touch, I masturbated three times while writing this letter.

Four. Eli Bosnick. All right, you're hired, but I'm not shaking your hand. I'll do it. Squish, squish, squish. Run, grab the youngins, folks. It's time for Lucinda Lusion's Bible Stories for Kids. Gather round, boys and girls.

Today, we'll be opening our Bibles to the tiny little book that sits between Judges and the historical books, the Book of Ruth. And if you've forgotten all about that one, it's probably because it took you at least four or five pages to get over that fucked-up story in Judges about the chopped-up, rape up rape to death concubine. So once upon a time, there was a woman named Ruth and her husband died. Yep, we're not going to ease you into the depressing parts here. So because early Jewish society was even more sexist than the modern one, a dead husband pretty much meant a life of destitution for the woman unless her brother-in-law was willing to fuck her.

And Ruth didn't have a brother-in-law. So instead, she moved in with her dead husband's mom, Naomi. But Naomi had a dead husband too, and neither of them could make use of one of the many marketable talents they both likely possessed, because neither of them had a penis. But one thing Naomi did have was a wealthy relative named Boaz. And another thing she had, if you read between the lines, is a lesbian relationship with Ruth. So the two of them moved together to the town where Boaz lived, and Ruth went to his field

in the morning, which was the biblical equivalent of the sidewalk in front of Home Depot apparently. So she worked in his field all day and tried to take some scraps of grain to her mother-in-law. But Boaz thought she was kind of cute, so he gave her a whole mill and told his men to gather plenty of grain for Ruth and Naomi. When she got home and told her mother-in-law the good news, Naomi nodded knowingly. She'd been around long enough to know what I-wanna-fuck-you look like, so she told Ruth the secret to winning a man's heart. First, Naomi explained, you wait until he's passed out drunk one night, then you sneak into his bed and suck his cock like you're trying to get the Retsin off of his certs. And atheists say the Bible doesn't have any practical advice.

Anyway, Ruth followed Naomi's advice and went to his granary late one night when he was passed out drunk. She uncovered his feet, which his Bible for whipped out his baloney pony, and got ready to slurp it like the last drop of a milkshake. But before she could, Boaz woke up. Don't suck my dick, attractive lady, I barely know, he said. But Ruth said, it's okay, we're related. But even then, Boaz wasn't so sure about this. So he opted to take the blue balls while he asked around to see if she was carrying any kind of weird fungus or anything. But when he was satisfied that she was as clean as a woman in a desert with no running water could reasonably be expected to be, he let her suck his dick. And they all lived happily ever after. And yes, that shit's in the Bible.

It's time for the part of the show that comes next, the listener feedback. This is the part of the show that doesn't give two shits about your candy crush request. Our first message comes from at real Leon H via Twitter, who took no task for an insufficient perusal of the UK terrorist ties poll that we covered on last week's lead story. Right? Yeah. Yeah. I bemoan the lack of a control number on how many non-Muslims would rat out

somebody with terrorist ties. Turns out those numbers were included in the survey, just not in any of the reports that I looked at in advance of the story. Sorry about that. Turns out Muslims in the UK are approximately twice as likely to keep their mouths shut about terrorist ties than non-Muslims. Thanks for keeping me honest there, Leon. All right.

We also got a message from Tom and Cecil over at Cognitive Dissonance. Oh, did we? Yeah, they visited New York City recently, and upon further reflection, they conceded that pizza is so much better than whatever the fuck they're eating in Chicago. They also mentioned that they'll probably need to continue pretending Big Macs covered in SpaghettiOs is better than pizza on their show, you know, just to make sure the core Chicago audience doesn't get offended. Right. But rest assured, they've fully conceded the point behind the scenes.

So if anybody's listening to this, don't say anything, you know, but just be aware they've seen the light and their show is just an act yeah right right hell they're not even real fake gay lovers also cecil especially agrees that it was a very snarky email very snarky he does snarky his words not mine i was just like what i forgot all about that of course we also receive multiple emails, Facebook messages, tweets, and more congratulating us on the news that Carly Fiorina is now Ted Cruz's running mate. I imagine almost as many phone calls as Carly Fiorina ignored from her stepdaughter, which of course she killed. Oh, good. Obviously, this is a wonderful day for me and Eli and all of us here at The Skating Atheist, indeed. Oh, yeah.

I imagine similar to the way Carly must have felt when she finally succeeded in killing her daughter. We can't wait for upcoming skeptocrats and other opportunities, of course, to take advantage of this momentous event. Much like Carly Fiorina took advantage of it when she killed her daughter. Okay, so we promise not to let you down. The way Carly Feeley is. Of course. As a mother. Making good on that hate mail promise already.

Look at this overachiever right here. And finally, we got a message from Tucker, who's ramping up for his semi-annual family reunion with his redneck hillbilly family in Tennessee, and wondered if we had any survival tips for dealing with the increasingly inebriated who's ramping up for his semi-annual family reunion with his redneck hillbilly family in Tennessee, and wondered if we had any survival tips for dealing with the increasingly inebriated creationist relatives he will find there. Good one. Okay, well, I like to cut a few rectangles at the bottom of their shirt at some point during the evening.

My advice? Stair-stepping. The key is to start at a low dose so you can keep doubling up as soon as you pass your peak without reaching and lubing up the mailbox levels of stoned until midnight or later. By then, everybody will be fucking the mailbox. If you're looking to make peace, talk about how bullshit Islam is. Hours of family fun. There you go. I also like to insist on a satanic invocation to go along with grace with usually mariachi and tw twerking if possible is there any other guy that guy chas um also try using their children to demonstrate the

role that genetic mutation plays in evolution it's easier if they have something to look at if you look at timmy's brow uh tell them you take the bible very literally and then slowly eye your cousin your baby cousin ask leading questions about whether or not he's a candidate start to swing loosen up your shoulder let's see what else sometimes i like to bring a lesbian with me for them to stone again you know so it's like a well-spoken lesbian uh is, Islam and something you can all do together. All right. Uh, a little bit of genuine advice for you here at the end. Learn a couple of Muslim apologetics.

Seriously. I find when you frame the argument as okay, but even if you convince me there's a God, you're probably worshiping the wrong one. They get scared off a hell of a lot quicker, highly effective. And that's all the feedback you get. If you want more,

keep sending us those emails, tweets, and Facebook messages. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. Before we peel off the condom tonight, I want to thank everybody who helped us make it over our latest Patreon goal. We said we'd hire on some more help when we hit it, and then we hit it, and then we unhit it, but now we've re-hit it, and as I'm sure you noticed, we did hire on some more help. And not only does that mean more Eli in your life, but it also means that all the shit I've been talking about about putting individual segments of the show up so you can share them independently is finally going to be a reality. That project is going to begin next month, and we expect to have it done before the universe experiences heat death.

Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't make it that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting on Tuesday at 8 a.m. Eastern Time. And look for Bonus Nuggets of Skatheism on our Facebook page, but don't look very hard or you'll realize the extent to which we underutilize our social media accounts. Obviously, it just wouldn't be a real episode if I didn't thank Heath Enright for never

finding a penis joke too big to fit into his mouth. I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for something else entirely or I'll get in trouble again. And I also need to thank the talented and neutral looking Eli Bosnick. I can't tell you how happy I am to be working with this guy full time. He's been a big part of our success since the beginning. He's one of the hardest working people I've ever met. And we count ourselves as damn fortunate to have him on the team. I also want to thank Ari from the Gatheist Manifesto podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. If you haven't checked out their show yet, I'd highly recommend you try harder. It started as a really good podcast, and it's grown into a great one.

Of course, you'll find links on the show notes for this episode as well. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's best people. Jeff, Darren, John, Logan, Anthony, Filthy Flying Monkey, Bumbo Clack, Carol, Adventure Free McGee, Running Beck, Joe, Jason Smash Talk, Ron, Robert, and Thomas. Carolyn, VentureFreeMagee, RunningBeck, Joe, Jason, SmashTalk, Ron, Robert, and Thomas. Jeff, Darren, John, Logan, and Anthony, whose erections give carbon fiber nanotubes relative tensile strength envy. Filthy Flying Monkey, Bumbo Clat, Carolyn, VentureFreeMagee, and RunningBeck, who have more IQ points than base pairs. And Joe, Jason, SmashTalk, Ron, Robert, and Thomas, whose erections could be used to swat away missiles if all those treaties didn't ban nuclear deterrence in space. and ban nuclear deterrence in space. Together, these 15 ferociously fuckable free thinkers have foregone the fanciful frills of fortune

to fund our filthy fixation on the felonious faults of faith this fortnight by giving us money. Not everybody has the alliterative series of qualifications and motivations it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help

out financially, but I didn't say the magic word, you can also make a difference by leaving a glowing review on iTunes, Stitcher, and or wherever else podcast reviews reside. Also, we're available on Google Play now, or we should be anyway. Sorry that took so long. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly. And yes, I did have my permission. Well, I'm really hoping to bring a level of maturity and sort of... I didn't have a second word written in my script. Well, I'm really hoping... Oh, right.

I remember that. I fucked the shit out of a bat. Good bats. All right. All right. I remember that. I'd fuck the shit out of a bat. Good. Bats. All right. All right. And that is the job. Okay. Okay.

So. You guys want to clock out? Let's get a beer. Oh, shit.