The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 168: Public Duty Edition

Episode Date: May 5, 2016

  In this week’s episode, we fight bigotry with the power of song, Lucifer gets called the C word, and we learn that those first eight Surahs weren’t the bad ones. We’d like to offer a special thanks to Anna Phyllis Smith and Morgan Clarke for lending us their musical and mixing expertise respectively this week.  And if you can’t Go Take a Public $hit in Oxford, Alabama out of your head, you can get a copy on CD Baby here.  All the proceeds will be donated to the Heartland Trans Wellness Group.  If you’d like to learn more about them, you can find their website here. If you’d like to hear more from Anna Phyllis Smith, check out her website. If you’d like to hear more from Morgan Clarke, check him out on SoundCloud. Click Here to make a per episode donation at Patreon.com Click Here to buy our book. Click Here to check out The Skepticrat. Click Here to check out God Awful Movies. HEADLINES: Editor of Bangledesh’s only LGTB magazine hacked to death http://www.npr.org/sections/thetwo-way/2016/04/26/475717047/editor-of-bangladeshs-only-lgbt-magazine-is-hacked-to-death Yet another victim: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/04/30/another-day-another-bangladeshi-man-murdered-for-supposedly-insulting-islam/ I took picture of heaven guy says someone stole his phone http://www.rawstory.com/2016/04/pastor-says-he-took-pictures-of-heaven-but-lost-them-when-hi Congress spends a metric fuckton of money on prayers http://www.patheos.com/blogs/freethoughtnow/wasteful-spending-congress-pays-clergy-66000hour-to-pray/ Alabama bans all trans people from using ALL public bathrooms http://occupydemocrats.com/2016/04/27/pee-home-alabama-city-bans-trans-people-using-public-bathrooms/ Roy Moore blames athiests, trannys, and gays for the fact that nobody thinks he should be a judge anymore: http://www.rawstory.com/2016/04/watch-alabamas-chief-justice-blames-legal-troubles-on-a-transvestite-in-crazy-anti-gay-rant/ Swanson: Gays love each other the way cannibals love their victims: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/kevin-swanson-gays-love-each-other-just-cannibals-love-their-victims THIS WEEK IN MISOGYNY: Kirk Cameron gives marriage advice http://m.christianpost.com/news/kirk-cameron-god-marriage-wives-submission-husbands-161142/?m=1 Army Sexual Harassment teacher says you can overcome rape with Jesus: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/05/01/army-sexual-harassment-speaker-tells-crowd-they-can-only-overcome-the-horrors-of-rape-with-jesus/ Oklahoma parses which orifices count as rape: http://oklahomawatch.org/2016/04/23/appeals-court-sodomy-law-doesnt-apply-to-cases-with-unconscious-victims/

Warning, the following podcast contains adult content, like fart jokes. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new Riffer-compliant bathroom solution for trans people traveling through the Bible Belt, Transport-A-Potty. Just hook up our patented system of tubes to your elementary canal, and you'll be shitting and pissing in a bag before you know it. You won't even want to pull over and sexually assault anyone in a public bathroom. Transport a potty. Shit the road in your Piddledoose coupe.

And now, the Skating Atheist. Hi, I'm Billy Baker Blaggett III, at BBBlaggett3 on Twitter, hashtag Church of the Unseen Hand, and I am a puppet, and I did, in fact, evolve from a filthy sock puppet. You humans, however, did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday.

It's May 5th. And Carly Fiorina has found something she's better at killing than her daughter. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Jesus Christ Super 8, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, we fight bigotry with the power of song. Lucifer gets called the C-word. And we learn that those first eight surahs weren't the bad ones.

But first, the diatribe. The guy comes to you with a claim. He says, I was reading this book the other day, and the dude in the book said X. And you think to yourself, wait a second. X seems to go against everything that I've always understood to be true. So you look into it, you come back to the guy later, you say, hey, man, I checked, and as near as I can tell, your book was wrong, and the truth is actually Y. Now, of course, he doesn't believe you. He says, well, the guy that wrote this book is a PhD and you're just some person. Of course, you have to admit that you are indeed just some person, but you also point out that the vast majority of the

people with PhDs in relevant fields disagree with X. Almost all of them seem to think Y, as a matter of fact. What's more, all the ones that are respected in the field and hold teaching positions at major universities and stuff, they all say Y. Now, as I'm sure you know, this is where you get the conspiracy theory, right? This is where the guy explains that there's a centuries-long effort to discredit anybody who ever says X, so most of the academics in the field are too worried about their reputation to dispute Y. Plus, there's been an effort to suppress the data that would definitively prove X for a

long time. Now, let's solve for X. I can plug a lot of things in there that would leave pretty much everybody in the audience nodding along, right? I mean, if X is creationism and Y is evolution or if Y is climate change and X is denialism or if X is any kind of alternative medical treatment or radical reinterpretation of basic physics, virtually everybody listening would nod along and say, yeah, I've been there one too many times. Motivated fucking reasoning. But in this instance, a lot of our listeners are going to hiss and boo

because in this instance, X is mythicism. So now that I've pissed off a significant percentage of our listenership, but before I offer any justification, let me back up a bit and make sure we're all on the same page, right? So mythicism is the assertion that Jesus never lived. Mythicists would tell you that there was never a guy named Yeshua that was crucified by Pontius Pilate, that there were never any disciples, all of it was

a myth that over time got treated like a historical event. Uhemerization, I believe, is the term. And as I'm sure is obvious from the introduction, I personally am not a mythicist. I'll freely admit that I'm no expert in the subject after reading a book on either side of the argument, but until recently I've been awfully sympathetic to the

claim, and I've been guilty of treating it with a bit more legitimacy than I feel like it merits. I mean, I want him to be right. Nothing could take the wind out of Christianity's sails like proving that the whole thing was based on a bedtime story that somebody mistook for the truth, not to mention it'd be fucking hilarious. But as near as I can determine, the evidence just isn't on the mythicist's side. And again, I'm no expert here. I'm sure a lot of people listening have looked way deeper into this issue than I have. And many of them, after that deep dive into the evidence, are convinced by the mythicist argument.

And I'm not going to fault them for that because they might be right. But I've got a heuristic that I use in situations like this. When there's disagreement among qualified experts, I generally defer to the consensus view, especially if it's an overwhelming consensus. And now look, I'll admit, that's a heuristic. That makes it imperfect. It's going to fail me from time to time, but most of the time it's going to

land me on the right answer. See, to be perfectly honest, until I started looking into this issue, I had no idea how historians went about determining if a person really existed or not. Almost everything I know about the subject is something that I learned while examining this question. And as convincing as many of the mythicists' arguments seem to me as a layperson, I have to temper that with the fact that they haven't convinced many of the qualified experts, right? There are a few notable exceptions, obviously, but I wasn't able to find a single historian in a relevant field that held a teaching position at any university I'd ever heard of in the country that supported the mythicist's position. And until now, I've been really

sympathetic to the mythicist's viewpoint on this show. You know, I've been unconvinced myself, but I've still largely treated it like it was an open question, and I got called out on that recently by a listener, and I named the listener, but I always fuck Chetil's name up, so I'm just going to call him a listener. He urged me to do a deeper dive and at least acknowledge that the mythicist viewpoint isn't taken seriously in academia, and as near as I can tell, he's right. And what's more, the arguments he was offering me were ultimately the same arguments I generally use with creationists who are trying to deny evolution. Now, I want to be clear. I'm not trying to equate the two. If you looked into this subject and you find the mythicist argument persuasive, I'm not going to tell you they're wrong. Like I

said, I don't know. I'm just going with the consensus view of the experts here, and I've already admitted that that could be incorrect. But we should be damn careful, myself foremost, to make sure that we're keeping this theory in its proper context. After all, Christians are dying to goad us into a fight that they can win, and this is a fight they can win. The vast majority of the evidence is on their side. The vast majority of even atheist historians agree that Jesus is based on a historical figure. The people on the mythicist side are largely unknown outside of mythicist circles. This is a losing battle. Now, that's not to say it's not a valuable question to explore. It could be, but we need to do so with the acknowledgement that most people in the field think of this as a fringe theory, and we need to communicate that fact. Hell,

I got an email from a listener a while back who was flabbergasted when he learned that the vast majority of historians agree that Jesus was a real dude because he learned that mid-debate with a theist. You know, that's pretty fucking awkward, and I'm sure that that's the byproduct of the fact that atheists are way more sympathetic to mythicism and far more likely to accept it than most laypeople and most historians. But now, that's not to say that the history isn't on our side here, right? Because while virtually all the historians seem to agree that the Jesus story was based on a real guy, they also virtually all agree that the story itself is a myth, right? The historical Jesus was a homeless, ranting, violent, angry communist whose family thought he was crazy.

He was an apocalyptic preacher whose claims are completely disproven simply by the fact that we're talking about him 2,000 years later on an undestroyed earth. In other words, one of the best arguments that atheists have against the truth of Christianity is the historical Jesus, so I'm not going out of my way to give him up. They're talking about your Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Superman and Batman of atheism, We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. That's actually pretty good. So close, though. Are you supposed to jump? Are you supposed to jump? That counts.

Flexed arm hang. I'm doing flexed arm hang. One, two, three. 30 seconds. I'd rather have watched Hillary and Joe Biden play competitive Minecraft. How do I make a sword? All right. And sorry to the audience, scam habits die hard. Anyway, in our lead story tonight, almost everybody in Bangladesh did not get hacked to death with a machete last week.

Compliment sandwich. That's right. Good job. Not hearing about that on the mainstream media, are you? Nobody's talking about the 156,599,997 Bangladeshis who didn't get brutally hacked to death by Islamic militants for thinking the wrong shit. Everybody wants to focus on them other three guys. I, on the other hand, have covered so many fucking stories of murderous machete-wielding zealots in Bangladesh that I've run out of shit to say about that, so I almost have to take a different angle.

Oh, I thought you were just reading from Salon.com, but sure. Next year, the chief of police over there, he's going to be bragging about his numbers year to year. Two heathens got killed with a sword today. That's how you earn a bonus. Next year, the chief of police over there, he's going to be bragging about his numbers year to year. Right. Two heathens got killed with a sword today. That's how you earn a bonus. That's why I get the big money. So the first of this week's victims was one Zohaz Manan, a prominent gay rights activist and the editor of the nation's only LGBT magazine. The second was the guy unlucky enough to be with him when the six terrorists with machetes and guns forced their way to his apartment last Monday.

Now, I want to just say for the record, six guys with God on their side still needed machetes and guns to take out a 40-year-old nearsighted gay magazine editor. I mean, you're making your God look like a pussy, guys. I'm just throwing it out there. And also, it means there's a fucking waiting list to get onto a terrorist stabbing team in Bangladesh. Apparently, yes. And we're just fighting over playing time at this point. But I never stabbed a gay person before. Neither did Mahir.

I'm sticking with six people for this one. And Mahir's not even going to get to stab the guy. He's the driver. And, of course, less than a week later, a Hindu tailor was also hacked to death in the streets, presumably also by Islamic militants. Nikhil Jorder was attacked outside his shop on Saturday afternoon. Reportedly over a 2012 incidents in which Jorder was arrested and released for allegedly making derogatory comments about Islam. And all of this, of course, took place only a few days after a university professor who was apparently a Muslim was hacked to death for not being Muslim enough. Yeah.

And again, does anybody go up to the cops in Bangladesh and say, hey, thanks, those three days were really nice? No, they don't. Those machetiless days, yeah. Now, Al-Qaeda offshoot Ansar al-Islam claimed responsibility for the first attack, and ISIS claimed responsibility for the latter. But at this point, it really doesn't matter which terrorist group carves the notch on its head. The point is that the government has sent the clear message that Muslims can kill whoever they want,

so if anybody's leading in terror points, it's the national government. Yeah, it's kind of like network marketing. Yeah, exactly. This is a pyramid scheme of machete murder. Now, the good news, of course, though, is that now that they're killing religious people, something might be done about this. Right. At least we can be comfortable in the knowledge that American Muslims will condemn this with almost the same vitriol and focus as they would a shooting over a parking spot. Or a cartoon, yeah. Okay, next up in picks or it didn't happen news tonight. Some of you may have heard about the South African pastor Motsunowing Mborbo

I'm not going to pronounce his name right. You got it right. I think you got it just right. But I did it consciously. Who claims to have ascended to heaven on Easter Sunday and taken pictures on his Galaxy S5, which is obviously ridiculous because nobody with a Galaxy phone could get into heaven.

Well, no, I mean, you can but you have to scan the code on the phone when you get to the gate, and your phone always blacks out right before you get there, and then it's on the lock screen, everybody's getting pissed off behind you. It's a big pain in the ass, but you can get in. But if you sign up for Verizon, if you get one of their 30-year mortgages, you can get the newest model for only $8,000. It's true. And they'll spread it out in payments for you.

Yeah, they'll call it free too anyway mboro who looks like don cheetle's homeless dad attempted to sell the privilege of viewing the pictures for about 340 dollars however it turns out that in south africa while describing big rock candy mountain is fine trying to sell photos of it is illegal so mboro promised to post the pictures for free on his Facebook instead. I see. Great, so pictures of heaven are like prostitutes there. It's a good law. Right, yeah, exactly.

Why isn't that on a pillow? However, our story takes a turn for the tragic when he reported this week that someone stole the phone with the pictures on it from his car while it was being washed every time. It's true. It's true. Current suspects include the Canadian supermodel I lost my virginity to at camp last summer and Donald Trump's Muslim friends. Also might have been a Yeti having a female orgasm. Now, I just want to say I would kill my own mother to see the first first couple MS pain attempts he made before he came up with the stolen phone story. He's like taking like stills of Krypton from 1978.

Is that the Care Bears cloud? I see a Care Bear. I'm thinking cloudier. But the best part of the story for me is how hard he and his staff are doubling down on this. His bodyguard told the press, quote, the pictures were really there. I saw them. We suspect one of the boys washing the prophet's car took the phone,

but they all denied taking it even after we threatened them. End quote. He further went on to say, pinky swear, but all is not lost. I'd like to admit that we actually stole the phone. I would now like to describe the photos of heaven that are 100% real for your listening enjoyment. Of course we did.

This first picture here seems to be an empty DMV. And this one is the pastor holding his own bloody tooth with pliers. It's not in front of the Bellagio. I don't know. bloody tooth with pliers. It's not in front of the Bellagio. I don't know. And this third one here seems to be the person that I'm publicly debating accidentally suggesting that blackface performances

shouldn't be summarily dismissed as racist without considering their individual merits. Yeah, they are pictures of heaven. Who knew? And in wishing welfare news tonight, over the last 15 years, the U.S. government's congressional prayer budget has

added up to about 10 million dollars actually hold on let me start from the beginning we have a congressional prayer budget right it's a fucking thing we have to bury the lead here despite being an industrialized nation in the 21st century full of grown-up adults we have tax revenue set aside for hiring professional wishing experts to start off the day for the house and senate with a really good wish pay for this reading this story was like finding out that the country's been spending about a million dollars a year on dream catchers right please tell me some more about how we just can't afford to fix our roads well i mean look okay so there's three ways you can look at this because like 10 million dollars over 15 years is 0.00014 percent of the federal budget so if we're saying we value jesus magic 0.00014 percent as much as real shit

it sounds good it's still an overestimate, but it sounds good. But of course, if you call it 1,700 poor kids a year that aren't getting lunches, it sounds kind of bad. Now, of course, the third way is to point out that that sums to about $666,666 a year. So clearly chaplains are Satan. Get them, Christians. Well, the Freedom From Religion Foundation thought this might be infinitely too much money for us to be spending on the placebo effect. Spoilsport. So they had staff attorney Andrew Seidel look into the numbers.

And it turns out that, yes, we're overpaying by approximately infinity percent. The math checks out, guys. It does. So here's how we got there. The House and Senate chaplains each make about $175,000 a year. Jesus. And that doesn't even include their support staff of elves or whatever the fuck that means. But using just the House chaplain from 2011 as an example, we got 104 prayers that year from this person, averaging about 90 seconds each, which means we paid him approximately $67,000 an hour for prayers. Wow.

Of course, you still have to factor in some extra time the chaplains spend outside of the prayer itself, like writing it or whatever, in which case it comes out to still infinity percent too much i i thought it would have been at least double that yeah so yeah next time your uncle posts that you flip burgers and want 15 dollars an hour meme on facebook remind him we pay a guy 175 000 to talk to his invisible friend that's more than big bird got to talk to snuffle up i guess i'm pretty sure also question did we get a refund when 9-11 happened yeah right it was a 67 grand back man that didn't work that day was not good and uh by the way if you're wondering how we arrived at a salary of 175 000 a year for chaplains um apparently it's all about matching their compensation with equally important government employees from other departments.

Like three teachers. For example, the general counsel for the army and the CFO for NASA make the same amount of money. Oh, you're fucking kidding me. That's a real thing I just said. So, it's not an exact science, but there's no denying that we continue reaping the rewards of a substantial Christian prayer gap over our enemies, and it's very hard to put a dollar value on that.

But it's something like running the entire space program. It's ballpark that. Yeah, exactly. And you have to wonder, what happens when those guys sit down to lunch? Like, Eith, humor me here for a second. You be space guy, I'll be the chaplains all right how's work going um honestly rough been been trying to figure out the budget for going into fucking space along with massive budget cuts at the same time because my job is just to emphasize this again figuring out how much it'll cost to launch human beings into the heavens on a flying bomb without killing them

for the furtherment of human knowledge, exploration, and all of mankind. So yeah, it's a whole thing. It's been kind of rough. Yeah, tell me about it. Today, I was like, please help us all be good at laws. So like, I get it. I get it. You're going to finish your pudding? I hate you. I get it. You're going to finish your pudding? I hate you. And in option C, none of the above news tonight.

Taking the advice of presidential failure, recent Maury star and avatar of the god of crotchage, Ted Cruz, the city of Oxford, Alabama unanimously passed an ordinance despite the fact that none of them could spell either of those words with a gun to their head in response to Target's new gender-inclusive bathroom policy, banning anyone from using a bathroom that doesn't match the gender, leaving reasonable people everywhere to wonder, what's the most convenient way to carry around your birth certificate when you want to drop a deuce in a Wendy's bathroom? By the way, it's best to have a full frontal sonogram with you, too. That helps. Because people are forging the birth certificates at this point because they want to get into the Wendy's shit the place they want.

So lots of places want two forms of gender identification. Well, this is so fucked up because, look, I've been there and I promise you I need to take a shit. And I don't think I'm going to make it to the old East Aboga exit is the only reason anyone has ever stopped in oxford alabama you guys are restricting your primary tourist draw it's true it would be like chicago banning hate crimes right council president stephen wait said the council sought the law which carries a fine of five hundred dollars and up to six months in prison quote not out of concern for the 0.3% of the population who identify as transgender, but to protect our women and children, end quote. Fuck this guy. Which is ironic because a cursory Google search demonstrates that he looks like Kevin from

the office glued pubes to his face in a goatee in the hopes they wouldn't remember him at the Chuck E. Cheese parking lot. I just really like the pizza. Can I get takeout if somebody else picks it up for me? I'll be in the next parking lot. It's like 500 feet away. This guy's fucking face fills out his head in the exact same proportions as brain from Pinky and the Brain.

He looks like Nintendo Wii Fit is trying to make fun of me. It's like Simon Pegg fucked Nick Frost. I'm sure he does. That's what I look like. It should be pointed out that while this particular bathroom bill isn't the first of its kind, he said, realizing he lived in one of the bad universes from a comic book. However, the severity of the punishment is. So after two weeks in a row of this shit, we realized that times like these call for a catchy theme tune.

So with that in mind, we wrote this little ditty. Whenever there's injustice across this mighty land, it's up to folks like you and me to stop and take a stand. If you're straining for freedom, let's try something new. We already tried option one. Now we gotta go number two. Go take a public shit in Oxford, Alabama. Just go ahead and do it. Cover the streets in poo. Go take a public shit in Oxford, Alabama.

Cause if you want to shit on us, we'll shit on you. So visit a Chipotle and order extra guac. Then go find President Steve White and add a crack to his front guac cause if you wanna look like you're the bad guy from Footloose we shouldn't turn the other cheek we should drop

the public dues go take a public shit in Oxford Alabama just go ahead and do it Cover the streets and poo Go take a public shit In Oxford, Alabama

Cause if you wanna shit on us We'll shit on you We know statistically Some of you live in Alabama Got a lot of fucking listeners. Just please don't send us pictures of your public shit in Oxford, Alabama. Cause if you want to shit on us, we'll shit on you. Go take a public shit in Oxford, Alabama.

Just go ahead and do it. Cover the streets in blue. Go take a public shit in Oxford, Alabama. Because if you want to shit on us, we'll shit on you. Go take a public shift in Oxford, Alabama Just go ahead and do it Come here, take some food Go take a public shift in Oxford, Alabama

Take a one-seat on a snow ship on you And a huge thanks to Anna Phyllis Smith and Morgan Clark for lending us their musical expertise this week. And by the way, if you'd like to purchase your very own copy of Go Take a Public Shit in Oxford, Alabama, you'll find it on CD Baby and linked on the show notes. It's only $1.25 and all the proceeds will go directly to Heartland Trans Wellness Group. It's a Midwestern organization that provides support and services to the transgender community.

So while you come to grips with the fact that you're going to be singing to yourself about public defecation for the rest of the day, we'll take a quick break to do our public duty and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. Public shit. Covered her streets in poop. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race.

If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. Wow. I gotta follow that up? I feel like I should sing This Week in Misogyny now or something. But I'm not gonna. And you don't want me to.

Instead, we're gonna talk about all the great advice menfolk have for us. And my guess is that most of you saw my first example of that over the weekend when Kirk Cameron made social media waves by offering up a little thick nugget to all the wives out there. But the craziest thing about this slice of misogyny is that it came immediately after the last three sane neurons in his head banded together to tell him not to say it. So the first half of the quote is some advice for the husbands. They are to, quote, love their wives and not to tell their wives that they need to submit to them, end quote. But then he goes on to disregard his own advice at a pace that would embarrass the memento guy and adds, quote, wives are to honor

and respect and follow their husband's lead, end quote. And just in case the advice didn't sound dangerous yet, he added that this counts no matter how the wife is being treated. But I don't want to leave anyone with the impression that you need testicles to offer up terrible, dangerous, sexist, God-infused advice. And for an example of that, I'll tell you the tale of Tawan McCarty. She was invited to the Redstone Arsenal Army Base in Alabama as part of a presentation on sexual harassment and responses to sexual abuse. Now, the plan was for her to talk about her experience as a sex trafficking victim, or at least that was the plan of the people who invited her there to give the talk. Her plan, apparently, was to use the opportunity to illegally promote her religion. According to a civilian employee that

attended the event, McCarty explained that, quote, the only way to truly overcome the horrors of rape and sex trafficking is to have Jesus as your king, end quote. In other words, if you're still suffering from PTSD or anything, you have your evil pagan atheist gods to thank for that. But I don't want to spend all this time on bad advice without offering up anything in the way of good advice. So let me give a few words of wisdom to all the ladies listening. Get slash stay the fuck out of Oklahoma, because apparently in Oklahoma, men can legally rape your head. So for those of you who don't already know what I'm talking about, in a unanimous

decision last week, an appeals court in Oklahoma ruled that state law doesn't forbid forced oral sex with a victim who is completely unconscious. It stems from a case where a 16-year-old girl got a ride home from a 17-year-old boy. She passed out along the way and woke up later in a hospital with the staff conducting a sexual assault examination. These tests would later reveal traces of the boy's semen on the back of her leg and around her mouth and this, of course, led Tulsa County prosecutors to charge the boy with forcible oral sodomy. And as if that wasn't already fucked up enough for us, here's where we get to the really crazy part. The trial judge dismissed the case,

one can only imagine from inside an evil lair, because, quote, we will not, in order to justify prosecution of a person for an offense, enlarge a statute beyond the fair meaning of its language, end quote. So for those of you confused by the legalese here, what he means is, I'm sure the lawmakers would have mentioned all the orifices individually if they'd considered dick in the mouth rape. And the worst part of this story is that the appeals court agreed. Because according to the fucktards codifying the rape culture in Oklahoma, he's technically right. As of 2016, there are laws in their state protecting unconscious victims of vaginal rape, but that's it. So while I go in the other room and make voodoo dolls of the entire

state legislature out of cat shit and butter, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in more is less news tonight, we're going to give you yet another solid reason to shit on the state of Alabama or maybe a liquidy reason or a nuggety reason, whatever you got cooking. It's like a soft shale formation. Because of course, Roy Moore decided to speak on the record again

and if you're not already pre-pissed off, it's only because you haven't been listening long enough. So, just in case, quick reminder, Roy Moore is the Supreme Court Justice for the state of Alabama who has run out of office for ethics violations once for refusing to abide by a federal court order to remove a Ten Commandments monument. And then he was reelected to the position as now facing accusations of yet more ethics violations. Surprise. This time for directing Alabama judges to ignore the SCOTUS ruling on gay marriage. And for those of you who can recall the name and not the face, think Pat Robertson dipped half his face into Raj Al Ghul's Lazarus pits.

He looks like he should be coaching a team against the Mighty Ducks, doesn't he? Also, this is off topic, but I just want to point out that Eli usually writes notes phonetically in all caps with no punctuation or spaces like a papyrus scroll. But Raj Al Ghul is perfect with the apostrophe and everything i want to point out that's because i fixed this spelling when i thought when i did it i thought to myself i should never have to correct the fucking spelling i believe i spelled it r-A-S-A-G-O-O-L, exclamation point. Picture of a kitten. Picture of an owl.

Capicola. Is that right? Well. All right. But sorry. Getting back to Roy Moore, who looks like Harvey Keitel got fucked by a Confederate flag. Go ahead. Yeah.

Yeah. So luckily for us, and by us, of course, I mean straight people who don't live in Alabama and earn their living making fun of religious bigots that really deserve it moore decided to defend himself against the allegations that he did what he proudly admits that he did so let me give you a play-by-play he opened up with the gayness is probably a mental disorder gambit always good to hear from a man whose imaginary friend tells him to break laws and who listens yeah but so here's the quote in reference to a gay wedding he said when i started in 2013 if that would have happened then this person he's referring to the

gay would have been said to have a mental disorder end quote so 40 years off the mark there jackass homosexuality was removed from the dsm in 1973 and it it was long overdue then. Noah, I think you aren't being fair there. He said that it would have been said to have been a mental disorder, probably by Roy Moore. I think he was trying to communicate he's been a funereal shart for years. Oh, I see. That's like the worst thing. Also, what the fuck does the clinical definition even matter to his argument? In 2013, were they banning everyone with a mental disorder from getting married?

What the fuck does that even mean? But of course, more wasn't done. After referring to a lesbian as a transvestite, as though those were interchangeable terms, he went on to blame his current legal troubles on the Southern Poverty Law Center, as well as, quote, atheists atheists homosexuals and transgender individuals end quote so for the record the problem isn't that he mistook the alabama judiciary for his very own autocratic fiefdom it's those damn gay trans atheists at the splc that bitched about it it's these regressive left crusaders who can't even properly estimate how much worse it is for gay people in saudi arabia expressed as a value on the ph scale with america as a seven can't even

do it doesn't understand log skills these people are just making it worse get a math degree god this is the rich white guy version of those episodes of Cops where they got some shirtless guy in a trucker hat whose dick is still very clearly stuck in his motorcycle being like, the owners here, they told me I could borrow some truck, but then the cops roll in pedophiles, cannibalism, and Nazis that does not involve the Catholic Church. So good job, Catholic Church, I guess. Compliment sandwich. Started and ended. Wasn't them this time. Protestant hate pastor and guy who looks like Kevin Swanson with scurvy Kevin Swanson

who made news recently when he warned American parents to remove their children from public schools because of all the gay sex instruction. During which he incorporated gay pedophiles, cannibalism, and Nazis somehow. And really, a Halloween

party is the only time it's appropriate to incorporate pedophiles, cannibals, and Nazis. Or like an awesome movie. Like a campus party at Yale, that kind of thing. So Slaves' Rant came during a recent episode of Swanson's radio show. And he made lots of salient points against butt sex ed in public schools. So I apologize if I'm oversimplifying his argument a little bit but here's a few highlights from george jetson with cholera quote

please do not send your children to the nambla pedophilia preschool or the transgender kindergarten uh so i'm gonna pause right there and uh get this clock ready with 30 seconds on it. Any thoughts so far? Nambla preschool? Pro? Anti? Best behaved group of preschoolers ever. So a couple more key moments continuing with his rant here.

And in addition to gay pedophile schools, by the way, Swanson also touched on bathroom laws and of course gay cannibals it's about damn time somebody said it right so for example he hate spoke the following quote woe to the man that transgenders the restrooms in the public schools uh yep as a verb and apparently he considers himself to be cis-gendering a room when he shits in it. Anyway, continuing, and this is my favorite part. He closes it out. I know homosexuals love each other and cannibals love their victims. They taste good.

And the Nazis love their children. But that's not love. That's not love. End quote. Following the great tradition of reasonable, sensitive public figures who start their sentences with, Woe to the man that won it. Right. Now, I'm sure Mr. Swanson would tell you this is all based on his sincerely held Christian belief that gay people are gross. Uh-huh.

And pedophile, cannibal Nazis, apparently apparently but i've got to wonder if this has anything to do with his gambling problems because as i understand it if one of his five children ends up having a same-sex marriage swanson has to sit in a pile of shit and smear it on his face while the guests are out yes that's a bet on it's true so yeah this feels kind of like a pete rose situation like he's definitely trying to win a bet on Robin. It's true. So, yeah, this feels kind of like a Pete Rose situation. He's definitely trying to win the bet, but still questionable, you know? Well, now it's my life goal to seduce one of Kevin Swanson's children. I mean, Thanksgiving's will be rough, but I'll take one for the team.

Right. Okay, so we've already got those 30 seconds on the clock, I believe. So we're looking for gay pedophile cannibal cinema for movie day at the gay pedophile cannibal elementary schools. Go. Of course we are. How about fear and moaning in Anthropo Vegas? Like nine people who are word geeks love that shit. What about little man taint Tossing the soylent green salad

Ooh I like it Milk dud there's nothing in the rule book That says a dog can't eat Dave's balls Not quite cannibalistic At that point but it's still good How about growing up donner What about Kindergarten Cock?

Eat a Dick, Spray Love. Ooh, I like... Dahmer the Explorer? Oh, there you go. There you go. It's at least as close to rhyming as Dora is. How about Sweeney Toddler? The Semen Gargler of Sesame Street.

Ooh. I want to write those songs now. What about Quiet Time of the Lambs? If I were five, I'd eat me. Two Man's Scent of Meat? Two Man's Scent of Meat? Yeah, no. The pronunciation, it really comes out.

And now that we've got your atheist tummy sufficiently rumbling, we can close out the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks at varying levels of always. Magic the Gathering. And when we come back, we'll learn that either Islam is the religion of peace or Surah 9 exists. Eli plays that game too. It's one or the other, guys. Can't be both.

It got hard when there were white cards, so I was like... Check your proof. Check your proof. And now, things you could buy with the money that Congress spends on chaplains. Start you off with this one. I shit you not. You could subscribe to Brazzers 6,666 times. 118,518 copies of Loving the Bad Man on DVD.

That's one copy for every resident of Berkeley, California. 77,745 pounds of cereal marshmallows. That's about 39 tons. 13,344 Adam's Colossal 12-inch dildos. That's a dildo for every player in the NFL, NBA, MLB, NHL, and everyone from every country who ever competed in the last three Olympics with some dildos left over for the guys in Oregon. A pet ladybug for every single human being in Japan. Oh, also food stamps, Medicaid, healthcare, homes, jobs, and roads.

Fuck. Oh, I want a pet ladybug. Don't worry, there'd be like 10 million left over. I want one. If you've been listening to this show long enough, you'll know that we started in New York and only migrated to Georgia when I lost my job and we decided to try to make this into a full-time gig. And because of the generosity of our listeners and Heath's boundless altruism, we convinced a lifelong New Yorker to move to the shirt stain below the Bible belt in the unlikely hopes that making jokes about glory-holing Christ's stigmata would pay the bills. Well, after two and a half years' penance in the reddest of states, the time has come for us to make like a coconut and migrate north once more.

Because of Heath's dad's health, our strengthening partnership with Eli, and the fact that Georgia has a miserable shithole, we've elected to move our operation back to New York. Right. So in an effort to make this move possible, we've decided to make the month of May our Matrion pledge drive month. And we're hoping to spruce up the deal with a few new Patreon goals. That being said, now that there are four of us making the decisions,

it's harder to find the right compromise, so we don't have many, but we do have a list here of several of the ideas that didn't quite make the cut. $2,500. Eli will kill and eat Kevin Sorbo.

$1,200. A weekly hook and eat Kevin Sorbo. $1,200. A weekly hooker for the single members of the cast. $4,500. We'll personally visit each and every one of our listeners and possibly blow some of them. $5,000. Monthly atheist-inspired beheadings. First up, CJ... No, no, no.

Rename North Carolina Old Carolina. First up, CJ... No, no, no. Rename North Carolina Old Carolina. $8,000. Film and distribute a video of a puzzle in a thunderstorm. Okay, for $2,000, I'll eat Kevin's sore thumb. Two grand.

And while, unfortunately, none of these goals are on the horizon, we're not too far off from a brand-new animated series of diatribes on YouTube. And, of course, the granddaddy goal of them all, a live Scathing Atheist tour to a town near you or really far away from you because I don't actually know where you are. So if you've always wanted to support the show, but you were just waiting for us to ask nicely, head over to patreon.com slash scathing atheist where you can make a per episode donation while learning early access to an extended version of

every episode bonus content and more and just to sweeten the pot we did agree on one bonus if we can reach our next patreon goal during the month of may we'll purchase and eat

one entire bucket of jim baker's rapture kibble and we'll document the entire event for you on YouTube. Because if we've learned anything from Gam, it's that our listeners like it when we suffer. So that's going to happen.

Is there any of it that's vegan? Yes. Yes, actually, I checked. Damn it! The one advantage. The one time it was going to be good. So please help get Heath, Lucinda, and me the fuck out of Georgia at patreon.com slash

scathingatheist. And now, back to the show. In the wake of our last edition of Quranomaniacs, I got a two-part tweet from BongoRider, desperate for more clarity. He tweeted, quote, Can you actually recap the event-slash-story of the Quran before you mock the stupid parts? It's hard to engage when I have no idea about the things you're mocking. Need some kind of outline or something first.

End quote. Now, I completely understand where Bongo Ryder is coming from, and I apologize if we haven't made this entirely clear. So let me reiterate, there is no story. There are no events. There is no outline. This book is just an endless screed of some dude free associating. This book doesn't bother with stuff like narrative and things happening and logical relationships between adjacent sentences. It is literally just some drunk guy that hates Jews saying whatever comes into his head from moment to moment. Yeah, Mongo, I feel your pain. So let me give it a try. Imagine

Donald Trump trying to read the Old Testament during a heroin nod while adding his own commentary. We're not skipping the good parts on you. No. You ever see a drunk racist person ranting at a bar and just decide to start agreeing with them to see what you can get them to say? See how far it's going to go? Well, they made a book about that. It's this book. This is the book. When I think about holy, I think about my lovely wife, Lucinda. So she'll be rejoining us for a trio of surahs this evening. Lucinda, welcome back.

You be careful how you introduce a person whose teeth are allowed on your dick. I'm just saying. Wow. Well, I guess after reading this violent shit, I should expect it. All right. So as I've already indicated, we're going to knock out three more surahs this week, numbers 9 through 11. But something tells me we're going to spend a little more time on 9 than 10 and 11

because this has got to be the surah that Quranic apologists most wish did not exist. And we're not going to wait for the crazy on this one. We learn right away that you need to proclaim a grievous punishment to anybody who doesn't believe in the Quran, unless you already promise not to. The whole beginning felt like the owner of a team trying to explain how they're going to fuck over the old season ticket holders at the new stadium they're making. Except it's murder them. Yeah, right.

Basically says, we're going to tear down all the non-Muslim stuff and build new everything. Also, we're going to torture and kill all the non-Muslim people. But if any heathens have season tickets, we will honor those and not murder them until the end of the season, at which point those seats go up for sale as a personal seat license or PSL, and then we kill them. That's the start of chapter nine. Well, and that's just a fucking warm up, because after that we get the infamous sword verse, verse five, the bane of those religion of peace apologists, quote, when the sacred months are over, slay the idolaters wherever you find them, arrest them, besiege them, and lie in ambush everywhere for them. If they repent and take to prayer and render the alms levy, allow them to go their way. And if it's not obvious from the preceding sentences,

it closes with, god is forgiving and merciful end quote yeah and just to be clear they're suggesting that you ambush all the non-muslims and try to kill them with a sword yeah but but if they repent pray to allah and also fill out some tax paperwork right before you stab him. You should not stab them. Right. Yes, exactly. Which is way too late.

Point being, you shouldn't have stabbed them. You shouldn't have stabbed that one. Lesson learned. Lesson learned. Oops. Also, I love the apologetic for this verse because this one doesn't even work with the usual jingly keys. So I looked up the apologies for this and what I found was basically, well, you have

to understand that they'd been attacked by these polytheists before. So he's really talking about like those people. And he did. So square Zs. I can't. And it seems almost petty

to bring this up after 15 verses of murder everyone who disagrees with you. But we're reminded in verse 16 that you should never, ever be friends with non-Muslims. Right. I mean, that seems like it goes without saying since you're murdering them and they probably wouldn't accept your request anyway.

But they felt the need to remind us again. Yeah. And look, I don't want to play at any level of objectivity here, but it seems really hard to believe that anybody could read this thing objectively to this point, the whole book, and not think that the main thrust of its message is kill everybody who doesn't believe that this book came from God. In an honest world, that's the one-sentence summary on Amazon. Yeah, I'm going to go ahead and click, this review was not helpful on anything that mentions religion of peace. Would not recommend this offer. Also, don't forget the order to disassociate and murder idolaters doesn't get waived just because that idolater happens to be your father or your brother. You need to go ahead and kill them, too, it says so in verse 23, which kind of negates the whole, oh, no, these people were attacking them.

Really? Their dads? Yeah. Remember when we were choosing upsides for the murder war, like just a moment ago? If your family isn't Muslim, they're on the other team. Yeah. Remember when we were choosing upsides for the murder war, like just a moment ago? If your family isn't Muslim, they're on the other team, just to be clear. In the context of murder war, if the context wasn't clear. And it should be pointed out that

this is one of the many verses that Islamists use to justify honor killings. Right. And now, having read it in context, I can say, yeah man, that's what it says. That's what it fucking says, yes. what it fucking says. Read in the book. Dumbledore dies.

Spoiler. Also, we nonbelievers are impure and Allah doesn't want us near his shit. I mean, broken clock twice a day. And up until now, we've really been focused on idolaters and polytheists. I mean, it's made some broad people that don't believe in this book references, but mostly it's been centering on pagans. So in verse 29, Muhammad reminds us that this murder them for not agreeing with me rule also accounts for Jews and Christians. Right. Unless they bribe you regularly.

Of course. Right. Yeah. In case they weren't being clear, they literally want you to walk up to non-Muslims with a sword and say, give me all the money in your wallet and also be Muslim or I kill you right now. But either way, wallet. I get that one. It makes New York City mugging sound cheery. And here's what it says in the next verse. Almost quote, the Jews say that Ezra is the son of God. The Christians say it's Jesus.

That's the type of shit that comes out of their stupid liar faces. I really hope God murders them right now. End almost quote. It's really almost exactly what I said. Pretty much, yeah. Bongo writer, trust us. We're not, yeah. Can we take a moment to recognize how

crazy this is that this is still thought of as a holy book. This would be like someone killing Tom and Cecil in the name of New York pizza. Just sending us a pic on Twitter. You see, we did it. And while you're killing all the people,

just a warning, lots of them are going to say stuff like, oh, don't kill me, and I'd prefer if you didn't murder me right now. That's how you know they're evil. Of course. Continue with the killing when that happens. That's totally normal. I understand why you ask, but don't worry, just go.

Like finding vampires by stabbing people with a stake in the heart. I also love in verse 58 where he goes all like, and some of those assholes are probably going to say, I mishandled the money and we know they're full of shit, right? We should probably murder them too. It's like a homicidal Sarah Moorhead over there. Oh, shit. Topical.

Noah. Noah said that. I did. I needed him. Also, and this is a little thing, but it made me smile. It says in verse 63, Do they not know that whoever opposes God and his messenger shall abide forever in the fire of hell? That is the supreme humiliation.

And I'm thinking to myself, humiliation? Are you sure that's the word you're looking for? Oh my God, this eternally skin-melting fire is so embarrassing. I can't stand it. One never looks their best when they're being torn apart by dick wolves. Don't make up a selfie. Don't do that. Does this ass torture make me look fat?

Like when I bend over, do I look fat while I'm being ass tortured? Oh, shit. And then we go into this long tirade about all the misery and suffering, the way all the non-Muslims. And Muhammad is getting so aroused that you're just sure he had to tell the scribe to leave out the masturbation on him. You know, he's like, hey, don't put in there. Where's my nine-year-old wife? That's what I yell when I'm done.

But it's okay because in the end, he reminds you, it's not that God is condemning these people to hell. They're condemning themselves. Right. God just made hell, made the rules, ensured most people wouldn't know them, and made them confusing. So you have nobody to blame for damnation but yourself. Obviously. It's your fault. The reason it's your own fault is because we're always making laws against murder.

And that fucks up Muslims who are working on Chapter 9. And by the way, the penalty for making jihad illegal is jihad. You get jihadded to hell, which was clearly posted. So, yeah, we asked for it. And since this is the 97th time in this book Mo has told us this, I just want to point out what a shitty excuse this is. Muslim God is the teacher who says nobody gets to play Red Rover because kid with undiagnosed ADD shat in his hand and threw it at her. It's like, come on. Tell these parents to give him a pill.

Thumbs down, hands up. I was also proud to see Muhammad ranging out in this one. It turns out he can also be perfectly bigoted towards the desert Arabs. His words, not mine. So it turns out they're a bunch of cowards and hypocrites, those desert Arabs. Can we make Pamela Geller's head

explode and tell her she's quoting the Koran? Please. Be like when one of those computers gets a logic puzzle. Yeah, right. We're also warned off of cheap knockoff mosques. Yeah. Look for the union label,

I guess. I don't know how you do it. And make sure you look for the true mosque label. Two union nerds at home just went crazy. Two seamstresses at home right now,

like tambourines. They're going nuts. Everybody who lives in Detroit. By the way, this might be the first time they ever mention Jews and Christians being able to go to heaven. But it's only the homicidal maniacs. Right. The ones that killed in God's name in the Bible. So I think this verse was actually like a nod of professional respect to genocide guys in general.

Like the pioneers who paved the way for... Well, I mean, there's even like Bond villain level shit about how the true Muslims shouldn't ask for forgiveness for their relatives if those relatives aren't Muslim. So like hoping your mother won't burn eternally in hell

just for disagreeing about Sky Fairies makes you a bad Muslim. Right. So for those keeping score, Muhammad and the fictional communists from If Footmen Tire You, same basic page. More or less, yes. And again, just in case you missed the entire chapter, we're reminded in verse 123 to go out and fight non-believers wherever you find

them, like the surah's homework assignment or something. Yeah. Everyone bring in five infidel teeth, and we're going to see how they dissolve and cope. Well, and then that one wraps up. Now, I have to admit that the next two are kind of disappointing after all the murdery shit, but we're going to do them anyway, starting with the book of Jonah. Yeah, and apparently this chapter is there for people who make it through

the first nine surahs and say, okay, but how do we know this Muhammad guy isn't a sorcerer? Yeah, my version basically has it as, look, this book is so great everyone's going gonna be like stop putting shit on our bodies david blaine don't believe them i i mean he is just super awesome yeah now shit on the ground jack of diamonds what also muhammad takes a strong anti-editing stance here my version says basically like look people they're gonna're going to say, hey, do you have a less

murdery version of the Quran? And you're supposed to be like, sorry, man, hands are tied. I feel like this has a lot more to do with people suggesting, hey, Mo, you want to go back and fix that? And he was just like,

no, it's good. You want to dial that? It's set. New scroll. New scroll. My wife's nine, just for a reminder. In case we didn't mention that.

My wife is nine. God, jeez. And then we get some more. This book is way too good to have been written by anybody but God stuff. It literally says in my translation, quote, there is no doubt about it. It is from the Lord of the universe, end quote. This book is great, right? That's because God wrote it.

I'm Muhammad, and I'm not writing this. The book I'm reading. And I just want to take a moment to appreciate a book that felt the need to say multiple times, if you think you can write a book as good as me, I dare you. Well, especially in a book that one can summarize and then still leave Bongo writer thinking that we forgot to tell him what the fuck was going on. He also might be feeding ideas to the young earth creationists, too, here, because in verse 96, he points out that no amount of evidence will convince an infidel. And that's why God won't give them any evidence at all.

Right. Waste of effort. Yeah. Ah, the why is my girlfriend mad at me apologetic. You said fine. Mo, you said you were fine. And I guess now that we're at 98 verses into 109 verses, we can bring up the dude that they named the book after.

So this is where we get the Jonah cameo. And enjoy it while you can because it's only one word long. Apparently they couldn't get it on the contract for two words. And isn't that really an admission that this chapter isn't saying anything? Right. I mean, the guys who put the fucking book together are like, what should we call this chapter? Did we already use stream of consciousness

from a self-aggrandizing bigot? Oh, fucking Jews. Nope, used that one. Moe's enemy list. Nope, sure had that one too. Dirty Jews? Wait, he mentioned Jonah in passing towards the end, didn't he? Oh, he did do that one.

Jonah, Jonah. Good call. Good call. Good call, Steve. And then we get what I'm pretty sure was an accidental koan for Muslim people, I think. It says, had your Lord willed, everyone on earth would believe. Will you compel people to become believers? No. right will you compel people to become believers so uh it sounds like maybe he's bringing up a fundamental contradiction in the entire concept of converting non-believers and all of religion

and like an interesting conversation but no then i remembered that when two sentences go next to each other in this book there's no reason to believe they were connected thoughts so i think you just start yelling at the scribe again yeah Yeah, probably. And I'm not sure how convincing this is supposed to be. Here's a little more advice on how to drum up support here. When non-Muslims ask about your religion, according to verse 104 of Surah 10, you should say, I don't worship the same God you worship. I worship the one that's going to kill you. Worse every time.

Yeah. How to reply to infidels and how to talk smack before a kumite. Two birds, one stone. Kumite. Kumite.els and how to talk smack before a kumite. Two birds, one stone. Kumite. Kumite. Yeah, yeah. And again, we're not reading into anything. It says, my god

will terminate your lives. Yes. Exact words. My god is a neural net processor. Terminate you. And I guess nothing was done happening because then the surah ends and when we planned to knock out three surahs this week surprise surprise we spent a little more time than we expected

on number nine so we're running crazy long that means surah 11 is going to have to wait until our next korea to maniacs in three weeks so between now and then go murder everybody that disagrees with you because apparently I'm allowed to say that and still call myself peaceful murdering people who disagree with you void in in Alaska, Hawaii, and where prohibited. Side effects may include guilt, remorse, depression, prosecution, prison rape, and severe chafing.

The Scathing Atheist doesn't actually endorse murdering people that disagree with you. That bit was a satirical joke. The Koran does not have a disclaimer like this. Before we get to the fine print tonight, I wanted to let everybody know where to go to get a little bit more serious. I would get serious and keep in mind he's still funny then he's just funny and serious I'd urge you to check it out the first two parts I believe are up now both should be linked in the show notes for this episode pretty contentious conversation and Eli asked me to be really nice to his esteemed opponent so I'm not gonna mention anything about kicking asses or taking names or anything like that but I will hint at those things anyway that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be on the lookout for a brand

new episode of our sister show the skeptocrat debuting Monday morning at 8 a.m eastern time and a brand new episode of our sister show's Skeptocrat debuting Monday morning at 8am Eastern Time and a brand new episode of our sister show's cute friend Godawful Movies debuting 24 hours after that. You can also get bonus chunks of skatheism by following us on Twitter and or liking us on Facebook. Obviously this would be a sad excuse for an outro if I didn't thank the lovely and talented Heath Enright for never complaining when his loveliness gets

overlooked and also for being funny and doing work. I need to thank the also lovely and also talented Lucinda Lusions for finding a poignant way to make a face fucking joke. I also want to thank the excellent personality and also talented lucinda illusions for fighting a poignant way to make a face fucking joke i also want to thank the excellent personality and talented eli bosnick for a face fucking related thing that we've agreed to never talk about in public i also want to thank twitter's very own at b braggart 3 for providing our first ever puppet farnsworth quote but most of all of course i need to thank this week's most admirable animals thomas grant nick without a k dan ian willard bill nick with a k paul other other Paul, Kelly, Derek, Melissa, Eric, Cody, Cassandra, Bo, Ant-Man, Derek, X, Kenneth, Marcy, Tammy, Alice, Reese, Jeff, War, Banjo, Teresa, Gruff, Anissa, and Stephan.

Thomas, Grant, Nick, without a K, Dan, Ian, Willard, Bill, Nick, with a K, Paul, another Paul, whose bananas fill up a regular-sized hammock. Kelly, Derek, Melissa, Eric, Cody, Cassandra, Bo, Ant-Man, Derek, X, and Kenneth, whose IQs are so high their ideas need parachutes. And Marcy, Tammy, Alice, Reese, Jeff, War, Banjo, Teresa, Gruff, Anissa, and Stefan, who are so bright they trigger photosynthesis. Together, these 30 dirty birdies heard we worried the clergy, so they gave us money. You, too, can give us money, but we already spent a couple of minutes telling you all about that, so I'm just going to add here that you want to go to patreon.com slash scathingatheist, or you want to click on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com,

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All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, except for the really good stuff. And that was written and performed by Anna Phyllis Smith, who is fucking awesome. I don't know what it is, Eli, but your side sounds so much less room noisy than usual. I don't know. Maybe it's because it's facing the right direction and it's not upside down. That could be it.