The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 171: Under the Hud Edition

Episode Date: May 26, 2016

In this week’s episode, a Kansas Group wants to make sure pugapegacorns don’t rule the skies, a group of evil rape victims hires James Spader's dad to knock down a church, and Muhammad will challenge us to write even one sentence as good as his several more times. CLICK HERE to get tickets for our 8/12 live show in NYC Click Here to make a per episode donation at Patreon.com Click Here to buy our book. Click Here to check out The Skepticrat. Click Here to check out God Awful Movies. Headlines: Amendment to RFRA that you can’t be a monster http://www.centerforinquiry.net/newsroom/donoharm_act/ Head of Christian Charity steals half a million dollars to fund his “sex addiction” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/05/19/head-of-christian-charity-embezzled-475000-to-finance-his-sex-addiction/ Church sold to pay sexual abuse victims and the people are really sad...about their church...being closed...not the victims...the church http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/may/19/st-frances-xavier-cabrini-boston-church-catholic-clergy-abuse and http://www.rawstory.com/2016/05/boston-area-catholic-church-sold-to-pay-sexual-abuse-victims-despite-parishioners-12-year-battle/ Christian High School Policy allows them to expel you for having a gay sibling: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/05/19/christian-high-school-says-it-has-the-right-to-expel-you-if-you-have-a-gay-sibling-at-home/ and http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/05/22/christian-school-that-wont-admit-you-if-you-have-a-gay-sibling-responds-after-public-outcry/ Kansas Anti-abortion group demands people not combine people and animalshttp://www.rawstory.com/2016/05/not-crazy-kansas-anti-abortion-group-demands-lawmakers-oppose-mythical-human-animal-hybrids/ Texas town keeps cross in public park by selling tiny patch of land around it to local church: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/05/20/port-neches-tx-keeps-cross-in-public-park-by-selling-that-tiny-portion-of-land-to-a-local-church/ Jerry falwell university has 26% employment ratehttp://www.rawstory.com/2016/05/graduates-from-jerry-falwells-liberty-university-law-have-a-comically-high-26-unemployment-rate/ Guy sells kid hitting stickshttp://www.rawstory.com/2016/05/christian-peddling-creepy-discipline-sticks-wants-to-keep-his-business-a-secret/ also, he went out of business http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/05/21/the-christian-who-was-secretly-selling-child-beating-sticks-has-shut-his-business-down/ This Week in Misogyny: Iranian cops arrest fashion models and photographers over “Unislamic Hair” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/05/20/iranian-cops-arrest-models-and-photographers-for-instagram-pics-of-un-islamic-hair/ Cop told rape victim to engage in naked catfights http://www.rawstory.com/2016/05/shocking-lawsuit-alleges-detective-ordered-a-rape-victim-to-engage-in-nude-cat-fights/ (This is the one with the video I was telling you about -Lucinda) Badass senator yells at her asshole colleagues for stripper weight limitshttp://www.rawstory.com/2016/05/smackdown-of-the-week-louisiana-rep-scolds-cackling-colleagues-for-wanting-stripper-weight-limits/  

Warning, the following podcast contains offensive nouns, explicit verbs, and some pretty fucked up adjectives, too. This week's episode of The Scaving Atheist is brought to you by the new temp agency run by Scientology's Sea Org, Dollar Slave Club. Looking for brainwashed manual laborers? Tired of the way they lock up the merchandise at the store? Can't afford to replace the old ones on a regular basis? Well, don't worry,

we're an international pirate cult, so we have no laws, and we passed on the savings to you. Dollar Slave Club, masters and commanders in the art of slaving. And now, the scathing atheist. This is Dee. And Matt from the Indecent Proposal last week. I asked Matt to marry me, and he said yes, because we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. Yeah. And no, Eli, you can't fuck Matt. Aw. It's Thursday. It's Thursday!

It's May 26th. And I refuse to go to Reason Rally if I'm not allowed to say the N-word. No illusions! I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from Hands Across Budweiser, Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode... A Kansas group wants to make sure Pug-a-Pega-Corns don't rule the sky.

A group of evil rape victims hires James Spader's dad to knock down a church. And Muhammad will challenge us to write even one sentence as good as his several more times. But first, the diatribe. You know, even if you set aside all the hell shit, being a Christian must be terrifying. Because in order for any of their mythology to work, you have to believe that the people around you are scarcely able to contain their murderous, rapey nature. Now, this is a thought we've probably all had a number of times, but the full extent of it didn't occur to me until recently.

Over on Godawful Movies, we've reviewed something like a dozen rapture movies, and one of our running jokes throughout has been how full of themselves these Christians are. Because in every single one of these movies, the second after the Christians get vacuumed up to heaven or whatever, the world instantly descends into full-blown anarchy. And we would joke about how these filmmakers seem to think that without all the Christians to keep us honest, we'd be eating the elderly and raping the livestock within minutes. But a couple of weeks ago, I had an ex-Christian listener write in to clarify.

See, we'd been characterizing this as a matter of out-of-control arrogance, but upon further examination, it seems more like out-of-control humility, right? Because this whole concept is based on the idea that after the rapture, God is going to remove his grace from the world, and I guess God's grace is the only thing keeping our dicks out of all the puppies. And I guess that makes sense to them, right? Because if human nature isn't way more decapitating than we see every day, God really isn't doing shit, is he? So you have to pretend that Earth is perpetually a hair's breadth from chaotic

dystopia and God's grace is too busy keeping the armies of hammer-wielding atheist biker gangs at bay to worry about every little AIDS baby. It's like the anti-tiger rock of theological justifications. But does that mean that Christians sit there thinking to themselves, hmm, good thing we got that grace of God going on or I would rape the shit out of that barista. Yeah, I mean, I certainly hope they don't. And my guess is that they don't. But they do have to believe that everybody else is thinking that, don't they? Again, it's a necessary byproduct of their rationalization.

All the non-Christians are dying for a chance to evil if it just wasn't for all that fucking grace getting in our way. I mean, that certainly fits in with their survey responses about atheists and trustworthiness. But I guess dangerous outgrouping and dehumanization, that's just a price that you have to pay if you want to sign God's name on all the good shit that happens and all the bad shit that doesn't happen. You know, I mean, if you want to believe that God is A, benevolent, and B, in charge, you've got to assume he's thwarting most of the sex trafficking and monkey torture, right? And the only way that makes sense is if you assume that the world is loaded with people who really want to torture monkeys. And what effect does that have on your view of

humanity? I mean, when I see somebody doing something philanthropic, I can say, yeah, you know, humans are generally pretty good, aren't they? But if I was a Christian, I'd be theologically obligated to say, hmm, it's a good thing that God's grace was there to keep Bill Gates from just face-fucking all those African kids. And it isn't just detrimental to those of us in the out group. I mean, sure, we all have a self-interest in beating back this nihilistic worldview, but we also owe it to the poor people trapped in the self-loathing that this breeds. After all, if the only thing keeping you from tearing the wings off a condor is God's grace and God can remove his grace,

what must you think of yourself? Look, I've got nothing against humility. I hear great things about it, but it doesn't take very long for Christian doctrines about humility to turn into psychological abuse. You know, when an abusive husband tells his wife that she's a piece of shit and that nobody else would want her, we don't praise him for helping her learn humility, but that is exactly the tactic that Christian pastors use. You're a miserable sinner. You're not good enough for God. God shouldn't waste his time on you. You didn't deserve Christ's sacrifice. You deserve to burn in hell for touching yourself in the shower. But luckily for you, God's willing to take you

back as long as you promise to never overcook the eggs again. We would clearly recognize this as abuse in any other circumstance, and yet Christians instill it in their children and call it a virtue. And at the same time, they take all of the kids' actual virtues and attribute them to a sky fairy. You know, when you decided to give to that needy guy, that was Jesus. Without him, you'd have wiped your ass with that money and forced the homeless guy to eat it. When you decided to volunteer your time in that soup kitchen, that was Jesus. Without him, you'd have spent that time snorting cocaine off the thighs of your Vietnamese sex slaves. And when your father decided to hurt you, or when that bully decided to humiliate you,

or when that priest decided to rape you, that was the real world. That was human nature. Now, never mind the implications of a God that could have stopped all the bad shit and didn't. Just set aside the problem of evil for a second and just consider what that does to your opinion of us as a species. You and I can offset all the terrible assholes and abusive people we meet by reminding ourselves that there are a tiny minority

of who's actually out there. We can temper the bad with the good and see that in aggregate people are selfless, sympathetic, and heroic when they get a chance to be. But when a Christian sees that it's always because Jesus, and even if they can get past that somehow, they have to wonder if that person's being nice because they're nice or if they're doing it because they need more heaven points. But atheists don't have any ulterior motives. We don't get to go to paradise. We don't get judged by omniscient ghosts. We don't get karma points that can be redeemed for valuable prizes. We get the satisfaction of knowing that we're all in this together. Nobody's coming to help. And by and large, nobody wants to torture our monkeys.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the Bert and Ernia atheism, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to confuse a generation about the line between love and friendship? It's near the taint, right? That's damn right it is. That's damn straight. And quick, before we get the headlines started, we wanted to make a special announcement. We just locked down our first ever live record for our sister show's hot friend god awful movies for that show's one year

anniversary we're going to be breaking down passion of the christ live at the people's improv theater and pizza full new york new york that's going to be friday august 12th from 7 to 9 p.m check the show notes for links to buy your ticket and act fast because it's looking very much like tickets are going to sell out fast get Get excited. I am. In our lead story tonight, a new bill was proposed in the House of Representatives last week called the Do No Harm Act, which would be an amendment to the Religious Freedom Restoration Act of 1993, or RFRA. So without even getting into the details, let's just pause for a second and think about that. We have a federal law

on the books that needs to be changed, that needs to be changed by something called the Do Not Harm Act. And apparently we're keeping that original law. We're just trying to add something new that says, oh, and you can't use this to legally harm other people. But that was a given, but just furthers my theory that we live in bizarro universes, like having to amend the Constitution with, but no raping. Right. So, yeah, just in case anyone's not familiar, RFRA is the law that Christian bigots have been using to justify Bible-motivated hate crimes for a while now, like refusing to sell

food to gay people. Right. motivated hate crimes for a while now, like refusing to sell food to gay people. Right. But if the new bill passes, it would mean that RFRA no longer protects religious freedoms that cause third party harm. For example, gay people not being able to eat food unless they get lucky would count as harm. Precisely. And in case you're curious how the opposition is spinning this one, and yes, there's an

opposition to not doing harm. It's America. I checked out the CNS news site, and they're clinging to a provision that specifically forbids using RFRA to deny health care and medical coverage to people. And act like that means that women will just be able to force random people on the street to perform abortions at their command. Oh, God, I hope that's true. That's right, motherfucker. Here's some toothpicks and a Hoover. Get to work.

Toothpicks hold the uterus open. Oh, I see. A lot of people don't. So just to recap, we enacted a law in 1993 that says religious people are legally allowed to cause third party harm. Yeah. But to be fair, that wasn't the point. It's like we said

we'd be in an open relationship but now she's fucking her third entire hockey team in the living room we didn't know this was gonna happen some of us did but yeah this is literally the entire concept of law getting suspended for about 90 of the population right and that was 23 years ago that we did that and now 23 years later we're asking if it might be okay to have laws for all the people again like those heady progressive days of the late 1860s and uh here's the sad part it's probably not gonna work because the majority of the house is made up of crazy people right now right yeah exactly and in embezzle still sounds like the surname of a cartoon beetle news tonight the president of a christian charity in iowa pled guilty to embezzling almost half a million dollars in a continuing effort to convince women to touch his dick last tuesday according to the u.s

attorney's office over a five-year period beginning in january of 2010 the world ambassadors christian outreach program received charitable donations totaling 476 466 475 555 of which was diverted directly into john s peterson's personal checking account to pay for in his words his sex addiction which means by the end of this guy's run 911 wasn't enough to matter to him. That was like one potato chip at that point. Enough for what? An eight ball and three hookers? That buys me like half an hour. I'm turning myself in.

I'm going to leave that last bit. And by the way, if you're having trouble doing the math in your head, that works out to over $250 a day for five years. So he wasn't addicted to cheap hookers. This is how addiction works you know how the alcoholics hold out for the 59 bordeaux and a heroin addict only lick the pus off a diseased penis for the good shit it's like that yeah and sarah moorehead would get the deluxe platter at the addiction that's what it was so just to be perfectly clear here sex addiction is not a thing porn addiction is not a thing i would very much like to orgasm

and i suffer from painful physical withdrawal when i don't get this thing are completely different situations dude we're gonna get so much hate mail from rapey high school football captains for blowing up their spot what are you doing we always do though um but but as a person who has dealt with and continues to deal with addiction i'd like to invite everybody who's ever tried to hide their personal moral failings behind a thin coat of pseudo-psychology to go fuck a honeycomb in bear country nobody buys 20 hookers and then throws 19 of them out the window on the drive home from the gas station my name's not really crystal and in asshole light vigil news tonight members of of the Church of St. Francis Cabrini in Skitchewit near Boston are heartbroken at the closing of their church in order to help pay off the tremendous legal bills the Catholic Church has acquired about the rape and torture of children.

Right. Like a like a Zyklon B salesman bitching about how concentration used to be a good thing. It's like the guy who bought a plantation and a thousand slaves the day before emancipation. You've got to be fucking kidding me. Next day. No way. Here goes the neighborhood. I'm going to sell the whole place.

Thanks a lot, blacks. Oh, God. Hey, hey, hey. Thanks a lot, whites place. Thanks a lot, blacks. Oh, God. Hey, hey, hey. Thanks a lot, whites. You're welcome, black people. Oh, God. At no illusion. I don't know if there's going to be room after this episode.

And just to be clear, they are heartbroken about the church. After being denied last week by the U.S. Supreme Court, they will be asked to evacuate the building in which they have been holding a 24-hour, 7-day week vigil and fundraising for nearly 12 years. Again, for the record, they've been holding a vigil, never leaving the building, and making quilts, holding bait sales, etc. for the church, not the raped kids. The building. Right. Okay, well, there's plenty of shekels being given out for each victim's dad, so

price is right. But I want to see these rapist clergy marrying their victims like fucking God said. That's the other part. Who likes a hypocritical child rapist? No, they don't. It's no fair reading my Twitter mentions. Anyway, the

church, which they're sad about, of course, will hold one final service on May 29th, and then will be sold, sorry, one more time, just once more, to compensate victims of rape. Rape. And be careful who you sibble news tonight. A Christian high school in Wichita, Kansas, is facing a national backlash after their statement of understanding wound up on the Friendly Atheist blog last week, complete with the clause that reserves the right to expel students for having gay siblings. Since the policy went public, the school has taken down their website and their Facebook page, either because they're too cowardly to face up to what they were happy to do behind closed doors or because all their IT guys got raptured. Well, I think they're ignoring the

root cause of the problem here. If parents keep vaccinating their kids with all that poison, we're going to see more and more of the gay ones. How much the straight ones shun them. It's not realistic. I love how the standard operating procedure for when this stuff happens now is these people just burn everything internet related to the ground and hope nobody notices like well i would say what's something about prayer space we got the slashes wrong what so now the statement of understanding didn't appear anywhere on their website or anything but apparently it's given to prospective students family so everybody can be clear on where they stand on on fag amnesty my rejected charity name i can't believe they rejected that.

In addition to the typical stuff about agreeing that the Bible is inerrant and thereby that rabbits chew their cud, locusts, beetles, and grasshoppers have four legs and poppy seeds are a myth propagated by the secular progressive ivory tower elitists. On a bun made of lies, am I right? Right.

Comes the following clause. Quote, When the atmosphere or conduct within a particular home is counter to the school's understanding of a biblical lifestyle, when the atmosphere or conduct within a particular home is counter to the school's understanding of a biblical lifestyle, including the practice or promotion of the LGBT lifestyle or alternative gender identity, I guess they have no idea what that T was there for, I guess, the school would have the right in its sole discretion

to deny the admission of an applicant or discontinue enrollment of a current student, end quote. In other words, if your family doesn't sufficiently hate fags, you're out. I got to assume this policy all started when the principal asked some kid, hey, you don't have a gay brother, do you? And the kid was like, no, why? Oh, I didn't think you'd have a follow-up question. I'm just checking with everyone.

It's a rule we have. You can't have gay brothers so i have to ask everyone yeah if if anyone does have a gay brother we have a pretty harsh uh foam party slash interventions like um give them numbers i'll hand out a thing at lunch and in where do you stand on cat dogs news tonight anti-abortion group kansas for life had some hard-hitting questions for legislative candidates this month,

including where they stood on abortion, cloning, and the creation of human-animal hybrids. What? Fuck is wrong with those people. And what are your official positions

on time-traveling maternal assassin bots? For or against? Because that's kind of like abortion, too, if you think about it. Congressman, where do you stand on transplanting a human heart into a robot made of tint if i only had a brain what do you mean by that this is serious this is serious okay so for those who are listening but don't know uh questionnaires like this are actually pretty

common from political action committees to sort of quickly and easily find out where their candidates stand on certain issues allows them to support candidates who share their views. And in the case of Kansas for Life, I'm pretty sure that includes the rejection of combining a snake and a dog to make a dake. I don't know. Now, what we need is a presidential candidate willing to build a labyrinth to keep the minotaurs out and make Cte pay for it too and i want to hear about all this pc bullshit at the airport either if somebody has hooves

we're stopping profiling just so you know i'm not just like making this up legislative director kathy ostrowski who looks like someone took a runny shit on paula dean's head said quote am i aware of it happening in Kansas? At this moment, no. But does that mean it's not happening somewhere? I can't tell you that. I'm sorry, did she just try to rescue her question here by invoking multiverse theory?

Oh God, I hope so. Adding, it's been a concern for over 10 years. We're not inventing this. This is not crazy stuff. Yes, yes it is. We're not inventing this. This is not crazy stuff. Yes, yes it is. Pretty sure it is. But in the name of fairness,

I think it's only right that we declare our thoughts on Shimmera's. Gentlemen? I think that alligator duck that we made to fuck with Kirk Cameron was a lot of fun. I enjoyed that. But I feel like if we make a law against it now,

it's going to be obvious we're just trying to find an excuse to deport Ted Cruz. So probably wait another year. I enjoyed that. But I feel like if we make a law against it now, it's going to be obvious we're just trying to find an excuse to deport Ted Cruz. So probably wait another year. I don't know. I'm going to officially say pro-shimros. Any chance for a new thing to fuck?

Anything. Give me a chance. Take any two animals, I'll fuck it. And quick before Eli throws out yet another plug for his homoerotic island of Dr. Moreau

slash fiction series, we'll take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. Guess what i combined with a squirrel pig flamingo a man wrote the bible a horse which one if it's a legitimate race cooking can be fun hey i'm proud of a man this week in massager there are hard questions about how a police officer should conduct themselves as they guide a victim of sexual assault through the embarrassing, ugly process of pressing charges. How close is too close?

Can one stay objective while making a victim feel safe, believed, and understood? And perhaps, most importantly, is it okay to threaten to take away their children if they don't engage in nude catfights? If you just said, wait, what the fuck did Lucinda just say? Then you've come to the right podcast, because, yes, that's what our first story is about. Former detective Alan Large, who was fired from the force last year in the wake of sexual harassment allegations, allegedly offered to help a rape victim in his care to see her children, find a job, and find a home in exchange for participation in naked catfights. When she refused, probably by asking where the cameras from What Would You Do were, he threatened to

limit her access to her children. The case also states that when Large began to investigate the victim's case, he told her she was beautiful and said he, quote, could understand how a man could be turned on by her and unable to resist himself, end quote. So, yes, he assured her that he, too, would like to rape her, but in a good way. But, hey, if that story bums you out, just remember, anything we can do, some asshole in our end can do better. And yeah, just remember, anything we can do, some asshole in Iran can do better. Case in point, last week, eight photographers, models, and modeling agents were arrested in Iran for having, and dear motherfucking shit on a stick, I wish I was making this up, un-Islamic hair, and for not covering their heads on Instagram. The arrests were announced by the court's prosecutor, Javad Bebe,

during a state television program broadcast late on Sunday that focused on the threats to morality and the foundation of family posed by social media. Let me say that again. These motherfuckers dedicate TV time to who on Facebook isn't quite crazy enough and the danger of head pubes. And finally tonight, some good news, because this week I get to leave you with the story of an asshole getting his due. This week, Louisiana proposed House Bill 468, which would raise the minimum age for strippers from 18 to 21. Now, this is a fairly standard piece of legislation meant to protect people from predatory club owners. However, Representative Kenneth Harvard decided he'd had

enough. In a move that he's now insisting was satire of big government, he proposed a maximum age and weight limit, much to the merriment of his male colleagues, because apparently satire is now assholes, for I'd like to say something shitty that I think is true and not be held accountable for it later. But Lucinda, you cry, you promised us a happy story. Well, have no fear because Republican Representative Julie Stokes ripped him so many new assholes, even Eli would get bored. Following what I can only assume was Harvard's attempt to turn a state Senate into the food fight from Animal House, Stokes got up and delivered an absolutely scalding speech about his behavior. Seriously, folks, if you want to pep in your step, we'll have the video linked on the show notes. It gave me the warm tinglies

to watch her turn a room of chortling man goblins into the chastened, sulky children that they are. And while I patiently await the email that asks why it's okay for me to say man goblins, but not okay for Sargon of Akkad to declare friday's rape day or whatever poisonous fuckery he's up to this week i'll give you back to noah heath and eli thank you lucinda and in patch job news tonight in response to a complaint from a constitutionally literate resident the city of port neches texas has agreed that public land in a local park is no place for a giant cross statue so they've agreed to rectify this constitutionally dubious location of the monument by removing the land that was underneath the cross from the public that's right rather than move the

fucking cross the city is elected to sell the tiny little patch of land around and beneath the cross to a local church for a hundred bucks good to see full-grown adults using the floor as lava defense to push their religions in public space. Okay, well, I'm ready to donate $101 to buy Chaz Stevens a patch of land for another satanic butt plug Jesus right next to that one. And you know the church is just going to end up selling the land in a rape settlement anyway. That's how it always goes. Rape a baby aunt or something. Candlelight vigil.

Yeah, right. Now, this story all stems from a letter sent to the mayor of Port Neches by the Freedom from Religion Foundation on behalf of this local resident. The mayor, upon learning that his city was in blatant violation of the Establishment Clause, shoved the letter under his persecuted Christian soapbox so he could be better heard bravely defending the majority from the perpetual encroachment of equal rights. In a rally right next to the cross that came within days of the letter, Mayor Glenn Johnson reminded his constituency that civil rights only count when you're in the majority and then warned that enforcing the Constitution was a slippery slope towards outlawing Christianity altogether.

Okay, but Christianity is a slippery slope toward outlawing Christianity altogether. It's not our fault. Your thing is stupid and dangerous. You could have a different thing. Yeah. Isn't it funny how slippery slopes from these people always have to start with something even they know they can't argue against like well if we stop beating up fags we'll probably have to stop loving our children let's talk about the second part the second part let's start there of course this transparent and

wonderlandian effort to do illegal stuff legally has actually made the situation even more unlawful since Texas law requires that any public land put up for sale be auctioned to the highest bidder, not sold for an under-the-table bingey to the mayor's church. The FFRF responded to the news by thanking the city for at least conceding that the cross isn't allowed in a public park, but raised concerns over the low price of the land and inquired as to how the church's new plot would be differentiated from the taxpayer-owned parts of the park. In other words, them daggum sumbitches are wilder than Mayor Beauregard Pickens figured on. And in your honor, I reject news tonight.

According to the American Bar Association, that legal degree from Liberty University Law might not be as valuable as you'd hoped. In a published study this year, Liberty U was found to have the fourth highest unemployment rate among graduates with a fantastic 26.23 unemployment rate among graduates. Those are lawyers. Lawyers. That's not just – Well, clearly that's why Falwell Jr. endorsed Trump. They know that they're only one Trump law away from moving all the way down to fifth on that list. Now, just for comparison, your chances are worse for finding a job after graduating Liberty Law than surviving stage three Hodgkin's disease and stage two colon cancer.

Yeah, which is why my dad would really be pushing his luck if he went to Liberty University Law School. You never know. It might balance out. Yeah, it could try. Now, while many might blame the fact that their unemployment rate is more than five times the national average on the fact that the school is run by God's first attempt at Chris Evans, or the fact that the school's curriculum is full of unlawful idiotic bullshit about creationism abortion of course the law i have a different theory because i have seen 40 christian movies and pixels and i suspect that it's because the evil aclu doesn't hire you unless you promise to murder a baby first oh right right and and honestly i i fear you may have buried the lead here because the truly terrifying statistic here is the 73.77% of their graduates that could end up being my public defender one day. Yeah. And if RFRA doesn't get amended, they'll be able to refuse you service if they sincerely hate atheists.

Yeah. So there's, I guess, something to be said for leaving RFRA intact. Win-win. It's a win-win. Silver lining. And finally tonight, from the steeplechasing file, thanks to that novel God's been working on, there's a consumer demand in this country for regulation-sized child-beating sticks used by good Christian parents to physically abuse their kids just the right amount. Right.

And apparently that means you're going to want a weapon that's about half a cubit by a twelfth of a cubit, not too thick, and ideally it's made from ancient Israeli polyurethane. Oh, is it? For torsion. And that's why Steve Haymond of Montana runs a business called Child Training Resources, selling exactly that weapon to abusive parents or at least he did run that business until recently when he got exposed on the phil ferguson show and had to shut it down so fucking a little bit of a happy marvelous okay i just want to throw this out there

somewhere in the world there's a man who bought one of these to spank his wife with so he wouldn't have to go to a sex toy website you know some Some good Christian man hid his perfectly legal consensual BDSM web history behind a veneer of child abuse. You know that that happened. I'm sure it worked. And you know there's some huffy person in a gimp mask right now like, How dare they call that training? That's our word now. Put a candle in my butt.

Unzip me, Brian. I'm just not in the mood. No, unfortunately, I couldn't find an image of Mr. Haymond anywhere. But by definition, he looks like an old Christian man from Montana who sells weapons to child abusers. Pretty much, yeah. Picture painted. So picture painted. Anyway, he was trying to ramp up his business recently. So he sent out mailings to all his former customers asking if they needed any more child beating sticks to replace the so-called virtually indestructible ones he already sold them.

Well, one of those letters found its way to Phil Ferguson, who talked about it on his skeptical podcast and helped spread it all over the Internet. talked about it on his skeptical podcast and helped spread it all over the internet especially considering the part in the letter that told everyone not to mention the beating sticks and spread it all over the internet in conclusion even though what i'm doing is totally okay don't tell anybody about it okay signed the person selling you a commercial good and just in case you didn't find his business model terrifying enough we should note that his letter specifically points out that his blue spanker fits quote easily inside a diaper bag end quote in case that newborn gives you any shit so uh so my favorite part of the story though is what happened when ferguson tried to purchase a discipline rod. After the episode, he called up the phone number and was like, hey, I want to buy a

beating stick with which to assault my child just so we're on the same page. And they were on the same page, so he made an order. But then a few days later, Ferguson got a call back and Mr. Heyman left a message that included the following, almost quote, hi, Phil, this is Steve Heyman, the beating stick guy for children. Beat the sticks to children. Well, I just found out that some asshole skeptical podcaster named Phil. Hey, that's your name too.

Funny. Anyway, this asshole other Phil put all my information on the internet and now everyone hates me for selling child abuse weapons. So I can't sell you that child abuse weapon you ordered the other day. Really sorry for any inconvenience. End almost quote. He apologized. Hope you're not too sore about it. It's like a fucking Prairie

Home Companion sketch. Yeah. So, granted, the weapons to use on children business isn't an easy one. And that's good. I think that's good. I think so. But I feel like all this guy needed to do was tone down the advertising and diversify his product line a little bit because

religious people need all sorts of weapons to use on kids it's not just normal discipline stuff you got slave kids heathen kids homosexual kids lots of children need to be assaulted with weapons according to lots of God books. And that's why we decided to come up with some ideas for items that we can sell to people and then immediately arrest them for buying a weapon with the stated purpose of using it to attack a person, and even worse, a child person. So let's go ahead and put those 30 seconds on the clock. Ideas for the Christian child abuse weapons dealer that's actually a secret sting operation. Go. Alright, but you already mentioned it was a secret sting operation, so I think you fucked it up. How about

the God Rod? Because either beating children with sticks is good or the Bible is bad. Sticks. Kid tested. Duggar approved. If you spell it with an X, I think it would work. The kids love the X. What about the other dollar slave club?

Or maybe Cruel Whip. If I was Catholic, it would be a dildo. Be thankful for what you have. Slapstick? Just what you need to train up a child? What about Stones, Paper, Scissors? Everything you need to deal with your gay child. Oh, God.

Plus paper and scissors. You also get a nice paper and scissors. And don't worry deal with your gay child. Oh, God. Plus paper and scissors. You also get a nice paper and scissors. And don't worry, they all beat kids. How about just child abuse? Because they can't hit back. I got an anagram for you. The whipping on really delicate son

because the judge told you to use your words. You type that out. You like it. Go on. Get on your phone. Type it out. Whipping on really delicate. See what I did? I got one more. What about the rod spoiler? The wind resistance keeps

your swing down. Nice and level. Spoil the rod. Scare the child. And while we pat ourselves on the back for another successful foray into tasteful child abuse humor, we'll close out the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jubanji.

Going back to it. And when we come back, we'll learn once again that the Quran is surah pain in the ass. Am I right? Am I right? It sure is. Pain. Surah. That's it.

I'll fuck a kid. That's it. I'll fuck a kid. So first off, we want to thank everybody that has made May our second largest jump in Patreon donors ever. We've achieved our goal of $2,000, which, of course, for those of you who subscribe to us on YouTube, no means that we're now uploading every episode to YouTube for your listening and sharing pleasure. And since you love to see us punished, as soon as Noah, Lucinda and I move to New York, all four of us will be ingesting an entire bucket of Jim Baker's survival sludge on video, much to your delight and amusement, I'm sure. But just because we know you love to see

these guys suffer as much as I do, we've got one more perk we'd like to offer you. As of this recording, we've only got six more days in May. And if by the end of May, we can raise the $26 we need to make it to $2,100, we're going to introduce a punishment we've been hoping to trick Noah into for a while. You see, our buddy Michael Marshall over in England does a show called Be Reasonable, where he interviews the quackiest of quacks and the hackiest of hacks. It's the two girls, one cup of skepticism. And for those who have listened, it's nearly impossible to make it through an episode

without putting your phone inside of yourself out of anger. So if we make it to $2,100 before the end of May next week, Noah will listen to an entire episode of Be Reasonable and do a review using only compliments. And as someone who's observed Noah listening to the show, it's worth the $26, I promise you. So once again, a huge thank you to everyone who made our Matreon fundraiser a success. And now, back to the show. Howdy, y'all.

My name is Colt Derringer, and I'm the president of the Texas Republican Party. Now, as y'all might know, last week we released our platform statement, and because of some disagreements about commas and some confusion about what subclause means, we accidentally suggested that the majority of Texans are gay. The passage from the actual Republican Party of Texas official platform statement read, Homosexuality is a chosen behavior that is contrary to the fundamental unchanging truths that have been ordained by God in the Bible, recognized by our nation's founders, and shared by the majority of Texans. Now, I want to be clear here.

We did not mean to say that the majority of Texans had chosen to be homosexuals or that the founding fathers Texans had chosen to be homosexuals or that the Founding Fathers were bicarious. We probably also meant to put a comma between fundamental and unchanging, meant to have numerical agreement between truths and has, and should have put an apostrophe in nations. But most importantly, we should not have suggested that Texans are mostly fags. Anyway, just to make sure there's no lingering confusion, our state spokesman Remington Beretta has prepared a statement of clarification.

Remy, I turn it over to you. All right. Thanks, Colt. Now, folks, I want to be crystal clear on our position with regards to homosexuality. Despite the unfortunate warning in our original platform, gay sex is a fun pastime I like to engage in. Is not something most Texans would agree agree with probably shouldn't have paused that was a bad i was you know i was taking a moment to read ahead bad pause all right here we go what i mean to say is having gay sex isn't something the majority of texans don't do hold on bring it back turn it. Turn it around. Not a mean do-do.

They do do, but not poop. I mean, they poop, but they don't poop in a gay. I mean that the majority of Texans don't think that gay sex is something you shouldn't have. Father fucker, that's not it either. All right. Wrapping it back. All right, here we go when it comes to things we should have denounced through our political platform the majority of texas

republicans believe we should have gay sex denounced not that doesn't have gay sex. That's. Okay. I mean. That most of us have gay sex on our tongues when you ask what we should. Nope. Okay. Here we go. Third time's a charm. You know what? Just relax. Relax it out, Remy.

Relax it out. Okay. Of course. We're not just a bunch of prudes here in Texas. We agree with what it says about homosexuality in the Bible, but sex is something that we enjoy. But that is the one T, butt sex,

but of, or pertaining to sex, like is an, although I don't enjoy butt sex, but I mean, although sex is something, shit, it's hard not to sound gay.

Oh, shit. Quran Media Here we are, 40% of the way through the year and 40% of the way through the Quran, and I feel like I've consumed enough of it to give a fair assessment. This is the literary equivalent of trying to extricate yourself from a conversation with a person who didn't seem crazy at first. It starts off as some lonely old guy in the park that wants to chat, and then it turns into the Zionist conspiracy to take over the Viagra market

by hiding a robot in his penis, and eventually you're ready to cut off a finger just so you can use medical emergency as an excuse to be elsewhere. It's like that, but it's a book. Yeah, this book should start with, let me talk to you for a minute. But it's a bad version of that book. If it was just hiding a robot in his penis, I'd probably buy that book. That's a solid premise. Who's penis? Who's robot? Who's doing the hiding? Why? Lots of good

stuff in there. We just focused on the penis robot, but no, we get bogged down with a bunch of hating Jewish people. Yeah, I guess I kind of oversold it. My bad. And of course, our kill ability just wouldn't peak if there wasn't also a filthy woman joining us to orally menstruate all over their holy book.

So the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions has been kind enough to rejoin us. Lucinda, welcome back. Glad to be this much closer to finished with the Quran. Yeah, well, there you go. See, when I tell a woman she's about to orally menstruate, there's a lawsuit. It's fine, it's fine. We move on. Now, we actually fell behind a bit in the last Quran and maniacs because

surah 9 turned out to be way more fucked up than we were prepared for so we're going to start off this week on surah 11 titled hood yeah and I'm sorry I have to read the first sentence of this verse in my translation it goes literally a leaf lamra a book whose verses are established in wisdom and then set forth with clearness from the wise, the all-informed. New paragraph. That ye worship none other than God. Verily I come to you from him, charges with warning and announcements. It can't be coherent in a sentence about coherence. Right?

a sentence about coherence. Right? Also, my copy says these verses were, quote, perfected, then elaborated. I don't think that word means what he thinks it means. Yeah. Then in verse 5, we learn that God can see your naughty bits, even when

you're dressed. He's like part amazing writer and part TSA agent. It's fantastic. By the way, here's a quote from this section. No doubt they did fold up their breasts that they may hide from him. Verily, he is the all-knower of the innermost secrets of the breasts. I'm just picturing like God is Frank Costanza. You get the A.

C. And then we get another, I dare you to write as good as me bit in verse 13. But it sounds like between this and the last, somebody actually did show up with a better chapter. Because now it says, I dare anybody to write 10 chapters as good as me. I dare PricewaterhouseCoopers

to find 10 Scrooge McDuck vaults of secret gold. What? To find 74 vaults find 10 Scrooge McDuck vaults of secret gold. What? To find 74 vaults of secret Scrooge McDuck gold. Yeah, I was a Shakespeare major in college, so this part is where I'm like, oh, Shakespeare's the best writer ever, and people are like, Pericles, and I'm like, one of the other plays, God. Best writer of these four good plays that I like.

And in case you missed the Noah rehash at the end of the last chapter, we get it again to illustrate the same point again at the beginning of this one. But now to his credit, Muhammad does take care of the sister fucking part. See, he has Noah taking a small band of believers on the ark with him, so you have at least three or four incest-free

generations if you want them, I guess. That was my Tinder bio. four incest-free generations if you want them, I guess. That was my Tinder bio. Four incest-free generations if you want them. If you want them, right. I guess. But then he hands back whatever credit he gained by thinking that the Ark has a sail in the next verse. Where the hell did that come from? Meanwhile, Muslim Ken Ham is building 50 square miles of spinnaker in the middle of the day.

50 square miles of spinnaker in the middle of the day. Also, I want to point out, maybe in the chapter whose subtitle is In the Name of God, the Compassionate and Merciful, don't tell the Noah story. That's another option. And then we meet Hood, and it doesn't really tell us who that is. It's just one second we're talking about Noah,

and another, bam, we're talking about somebody named Hood who's trying to convince people to God better. Right. It's like any minute one of these verses is going to end halfway through a sentence with ice cream man. Squirrel. Well, I hope you weren't attached to him either because ten verses later, knowing nothing at all about this dude, we abandon him and talk about Salah who we also don't really learn anything about. Yeah. in him and talk about Salah, who we also don't really learn anything about.

Yeah. Okay. So apparently they're two legendary Arabian prophets, but it comes off like people you barely know talking about people you've never met. Right. But he's the one that has God's magic she-camel. Right. If you remember that. So we get some more details in our collective favorite character in the book so far.

Yeah. But I still don't understand this she camel story the prophet shows up in town and says uh good news i brought you god's pet camel um but if anything happens to it you're all in huge huge trouble and everyone's like uh no don't give us that something's obviously gonna happen this never works out when people do this and of course somebody fucks the camel it's like town full of angel rapists in the next story so i guess moe's getting smooth with those segues yeah right it's the more than chance of the uh quran you're not gonna fuck this camel no promise i fuck the camel of course then he then we rehash uh what muhammad can remember of the story of lot

as heath alluded to. The Old Testament should be able to sue this asshole. He has zero original material. Right? It just keeps going back. And I get so much hate mail when I compare Amy Schumer and Muhammad. But see, this is more in common than you'd think. And now we're on to the prophet Shu'ab or something going to Median.

And he does the same shit as the last two guys, basically. At a certain point, you'd think even a dumb god would rethink his strategy maybe a little, do something different, throw him a curveball. Prophets keep going back to God. Dude, it's not working. Yeah, no, I told them they were all liars, like you said. I don't know. Maybe we bring them a farmer's daughter and they don't fuck her?

Is that the game? I don't really get what we bring him a farmer's daughter and they don't fuck her? Is that the game? I don't really get what we're doing. Right. Well, and then we get a solid 20 verses of how bad hell is and why we shouldn't want to go there. And then it just blissfully ends. Yeah, hell is like reading this book. And apparently that's where like his scribe fell asleep or just killed himself or whatever. And then we get back to the I skimmed the Pentateuch default of the Quran and get his take on the story of Joseph.

And if you need more indication of how short-sighted and not God the author of this book is, we're going to start this surah by saying, I wrote this in Arabic so it would be super easy to understand. You've been walking that back ever since, right? I just want to show how much the perfect word of God can vary. The Saudi version says, Alif Lam Ra. These letters are one of the miracles of the Quran, and none but Allah knows their meanings. Pretty sure it's New England clam chowder, the white one.

But my friendly version just says, these are the verses of the clear book. This sentence doesn't not make sense. Right? My friendly version just says, these are the verses of the clear book. This sentence does not make sense. Right. And yeah, and then we get the Muhammad remix of Joseph in the Technicolor dream coat. And I'm about done with this shit, man. We went into this book and I'm thinking, oh, good.

I was starting to run low on Bible stories. But now I can add Quran stories, right? But all they fucking do is repeat Bible stories badly. Right. What the hell am I supposed to do with this thing? We could just have you drink an eighth of Fireball and read the Bible stories all over again. They make more sense that way. You motherfuckers!

Make a Patreon goal out of that one. Meanwhile, cut to C.J. Werleman and Jacqueline Glenn saying, you have to at least change the names or something, dude. Come on. Vanilla Ice is just like, just add literally one note to the bass line and you're all good. I'm assuming they'd be hanging out with Vanilla Ice.

Oh, obviously. One building that could collapse on itself. Yeah, so quick refresher if you forgot. Joseph dreams his brothers will bow to him, so they toss him in a well. He gets sold as a slave he won't fuck his master's his wife so he gets thrown in jail he interprets the pharaoh's dream gets awarded all of egypt as a thank you gift gives his brother some shit and goes home that's

the story wow did that not take you 108 verses to read now i wish you wrote this motherfucker it's taken way too long and wasn't this all written in the annals of the kings of judah hey look we both wrote a surah better than God. Hey, who knew? Did it. And for a while there, he's just sticking to the biblical account. But when it comes time for the slave owner's wife to try to seduce Joseph, he clearly started getting a little stiff. So he elaborates the fuck out of it with this whole scene full of other women that wanted to fuck Joseph, too.

There's like 12 of them. It's like it's halfway between the castle anthrax and a penthouse letter. And then dozens of women showed up and started begging him to fuck him. They were like rubbing their boobies all up against him and like putting butter under their dresses. And maybe this is just me,

but have you ever had that friend who realizes halfway through his story is boring so he just takes a hard right turn into lying? And I was like Dave that's my order of fries so I shot him with a cannon then I was the dread

pirate Roberts for a while saved a princess and then here we are it's unoriginal just like the Quran now I love too that anywhere he has dialogue going on the story one of the people has to stop midline to talk about how awesome god is and that he's definitely not a jew and then goes back to whatever he's saying i mean he does that constantly to be fair but i'm not though i'm not like a big thing i'm trying to brag about

per se oh look i'm not jewish But just to be clear, I'm not. Not Jewish. But now, to his credit, he actually manages to tell one story all the way through the chapter. And he never tells you to kill anybody. That's true. It's a step up. Clearly, he's at his best when he's copying off somebody else's work. Yeah, Muhammad is the Michael Buble of prophets.

And then it ends by telling us that the Quran is definitely not made-up bullshit. Right. Unless you think the Bible is fiction, this book is not fiction. Case closed. Yeah, and quick before you notice that books that aren't bullshit never have to point that out, we get to the

Surah of Thunder, which is so much less cool than it sounds. I love that we opened this up with a little geocentrism just to remind us how stupid all the scientific foreknowledge arguments are right yeah you see muhammad knew about transthermal wave differentiation he just never got around to where the earth was in the solar those waves beneath the waves thing he had that on lock so uh here's what the Saudi version says. It says, he has subjected the sun and the moon, parentheses, to continue going round with an exclamation.

Continue going round! Like an angry coach telling the sun and the moon to keep running laps. And he also teaches astronomy really badly. Right. And as if that wasn't enough to do it, we learn a verse later that fruits come in male and female pairs. I mean, you really got to read the commentaries. You are opening yourself up to the legitimate criticism for atheist guys. Those commentaries explain which pair has a penis.

Thing is, though, even the Saudis have no fucking idea what Muhammad was talking about in this part. My version says, quote, he made two in pairs. May mean two kinds, or it may mean of two sorts. E.g. black and white, sweet and sour, small and big, etc. E.T.C. period. That's in the Quran. E.T.C. period. That's in the Quran. ETC period. Sounds like a tweet.

You know. I can only have 140 characters to make this all make sense, guys. Sorry. And then he implied that cornfields and vineyards are naturally occurring. It's like he heard the watchmaker argument and then found a watch. How do you explain this then, guys? guys again we're running out of book for this to be anything but wrong about science right there's like a chapter and a half about thermodynamics at the end i think i'm gonna call bullshit on the whole scientifically advanced

quran apologetic i'm just it could be there i'm with you raise it could be there there's some charts towards the back of this thing. You could win me. And by the way, at this point, I was asking myself, what about miscarriages? And then right on time, right on time, we learn in verse 8 that all those dead babies get balanced out by twins

and triplets. What the fuck was that? All part of the trick. It also explains where Thunder comes from, so the name isn't completely meaningless. And apparently that's the sound of God being amazed by how awesome he is. Also, he kills people with lightning, but that's unrelated. Yeah.

And I don't want to ruin it, but I'm pretty sure he's talking about Salman Rushdie. By the way. It just thunders the noise of God being amazed at his own magic trick. Just like, Oh, and then in verse 16, it basically says, and if you see a blind guy,

ask yourself, what the fuck did he do to piss off God? Yes. Thank you. Okay. I genuinely had this moment where I like put the Quran down and I was like, okay, I'm not giving this book the benefit of the doubt.

There's no way it said that. And then I looked at your notes and I was like, yes, okay. Totally. Okay, it's not just me. That's literally the sentence. Yep. The same for the poor people too, though. If they hadn't pissed God off, he'd have given them more money.

Right. So it's there. It's all about average household income, not median, you fucking communists. And then we spent a verse addressing the elephant in the room. What if people don't believe this book is sent from God, even though it says it is? Fucking communists average. And then we spent a verse addressing the elephant in the room. What if people don't believe this book is sent from God, even though it says it is? And the solution on this one is basically, fuck them. Right, right.

I love this part. Verse 31, quote, even if there were a Quran by which mountains could be set in motion, by which the earth could be rent asunder, or by which the dead could be made to speak. They would not believe in it. End of quote. And Muhammad can fly whenever he wants to. He just doesn't want to right now. He actually says that later. It does.

Demonstrably untrue. If there were a Koran that could reliably locate the six of spades, we'd all be fucking Muslims. Also, I would own it. Side note. Oh, absolutely. Behind this curtain is a book with a magical spell that can move mountains and bring dead people back to life. Thank you. Thank you.

To your waitress. And if that's not enough to convince you, he points out that they also mocked the other biblical prophets like Ezekiel, the scroll-swallowing catatonic shit-eater. other biblical prophets like Ezekiel, the scroll-swallowing catatonic shit-eater. So if you're going to ignore him, you also have to ignore all the Bronze Age crazy people whose hallucinations got written down. Deal. Right? And by the way, I had a music note here. Oh, really?

Verse 41, the Palestine forever song. Palestine will never be disputed. Islam's good and Judaism's stupid. And then I look at the title for the next chapter, Abraham, and I'm thinking, you know, I'm not even pissed anymore that he's just stealing from the Old Testament. I just wish he'd read further into it than Genesis. Right. But he can't even make with the Abraham.

No. Instead, he starts talking about Moses and Noah again, and how everybody thought they were full of shit, just like everybody thinks he's full of shit. And so, therefore, he's right. It seems like the only argument this book has, and it has it 800 fucking times. Well, sure, you can say I don't speak for God,

but that's what they said about other people who probably never existed, too. Yeah. You know that galileo argument everyone who's ever wrong about anything can employ yeah i'm going with that repeatedly right over and i feel like the heisenberg uncertainty principle says it's never certain that i'm wrong or you have no idea where i am it's are always not wrong yet also this is the book that constantly is pointing out that he thinks other prophets like jesus are full of shit so like which is like his own apologetic for himself doesn't work on

himself in his own book which is so well written that you couldn't possibly review well and he's also so putting words in moses's mouth right here he's like hey guys remember when moses was all i think muhammad should get the last donut? No, two donuts on Tuesdays. Remember that? And scribes are supposed to blow you between chapters. Did you already write that down? I feel like you already, that's a lot.

You're stuck to chisel. I saw you stuck to chisel. Then we get a vivid description of what hell's going to be like for a sinner. Quote, he, that's the sinner, will drink putrid water. He will sip and will not find it easy to swallow. Death will approach him from every quarter, yet he will not die.

Intense suffering will lie ahead of him. So, Mexico. That is exactly what I wrote in the margins of my command. I wrote, hell is Mexico, now I'm a Muslim. Pascal Granger. Sorry, guys. Yeah, right, right, exactly. Now I'm a Muslim. Pascal. Sorry. Yeah, right. Right.

Exactly. I have limits here. We make you build a wall. And then he suggests that that boats are naturally occurring again. He's listing the bullet points on God's resume again. He's like trees, water, fruits, rivers. And then he says, and God has made the ships subservient to you so that they may sail across the sea by his command. Like we domesticated the wild schooners or something. Just the image of someone slowly holding out a carrot to a ship to gain its trust.

It's okay, girl. We're not feeding them the champagne, dude. That's not how that works. We also learn in this part that God made all the rivers go the right way. Otherwise, some of them would go up. Yeah, I guess. Use them. Yeah, and look, pat on the back for the relative lack of Jew-killing directives this week and all. But at its best, this book is just an instruction manual for being an annoying asshole on a subway.

And don't forget to tell all the non-Muslims you meet that they're going to go to hell. If you're in New York, stick with Sons of Israel or You People. Try to get on the train before other people get off. Like, if that's in the next chapter, I'm like, oh, okay. That poll is for you and you alone. Lean against it. Rub your crotch against it. There you go.

Lean against it. Rub your crotch against it. There you go. Also, I want to point out that Muslim God actually parades all of the hellbound damned people before the good people on the Day of Judgment. So he's at least a little more hardcore than Christian and Jew God. At least a little, yeah. You've got to wonder, what's that parade style? What are the floats?

Do you get a Snoopy filled with sinners? I'm just trying to get that picture. Awesome. That'd be worth being a Muslim for, honestly. Fuck the 72 virgins. I was picturing Nazi propaganda cartoons. Lots of rodents, you know. But according to this book, the atheist float is going to be totally calm.

Right. You'll just be walking past a lake of fire going, hallucinations of Muslim apocalypse hell parades are just the ideomotor. That's all that is. Oh shit, I guess on that we're going to end this edition of Karate Maniac. Sorry for the relative lack of head chopping and Jew hate, but I got to imagine Muhammad is overdue. So of course, Karate Maniacs

will return in three weeks with stories 15 through 18, and if you're like me and you've been asking yourself where the fuck the flying horse is, fear not. We'll be reaching the My Little Pony portion of the book next time. Oh, joy. Before we towel off tonight, I had two quick reminders.

First of all, don't forget to check the show notes for a link to buy tickets to our first ever live record Friday, August 12th, Eli Heath. Myself and a special guest are going to be breaking down Passions of the Christ in a live edition of God Awful Movies in beautiful New York, New York. And if you can't wait that long to meet us, Reason Rally is right around the corner, not this coming weekend, but next. We're looking at the largest gathering of atheists in American history, most likely. We're going to be there all day, but if you miss us at the rally, you can find us at the Crystal City After Party that's Saturday, June 4th in D.C. Be there or be square. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting Tuesday at 8 a.m. Eastern. And if even that's too long to wait, be sure to subscribe to our YouTube channel for constant nuggets of bonus scatheism. Obviously, it'd be a sad excuse for an episode if I didn't thank Heath Enright for wrapping his sagacity in a thick layer of biting wit. I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for her indefatigable efforts to

keep the show rich and original. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for not eating peanuts during the record. And, of course, I want to congratulate Dee and Matt, wish them the best, and thank them for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. I'm pretty sure that they're going to invite the whole audience to their wedding, so I'm going to keep you guys posted when we get our collective invite. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most honorable hominids,

Ruth, Scott, Marvin, Zamir, Chris, Julie, Molly, Reva, Richard, Jan, Sean, John, other John, Glenn, and David. Ruth, Scott, Marvin, Zamir, and Chris, whose wits are so sharp that Hattari Hanzo vowed never to make them again. Julie, Molly, Reva, Richard, and Jan, whose intellects make Albert Einstein look like Albert Pujols. And Sean, John, other John, Glenn, and David, whose erections give 10 to the minus 36

to 10 to the minus 32 seconds after the Big Bang expansion envy. Together, these 15 phenomenally foxy fuckers have forfeited a fraction of their fortunes for the furtherance of our foul-mouthed fight against faith this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the wherewithal to give us money, but if you think you're with all the where to, you can make a per-episode donation

at patreon.com slash scathingatheist or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you and expendable income aren't exactly on speaking terms, you can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, following us on Twitter, liking us on Facebook, and convincing your grandma to tattoo our logo on her ass. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com.

All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes i did have my permission that's that's got to be the patreon goal like video of of uh heath trying to contain himself through eli's skits