The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 176: Texas Fetus Massacre Edition

Episode Date: June 30, 2016

In this week’s episode, we finish the only book that’s harder to read than it is to put in your pee hole, a congressional candidate gets tricked by Tom Sawyer into whitewashing America, and Arabic Twitter will put a hit out on us. Click Here to make a per episode donation at Patreon.com Click Here to buy our book. Click Here to check out The Skepticrat. Click Here to check out God Awful Movies. Guest Appearances: Click Here to check out Eli on InKredulous. Click Here to hear part one of Eli's debate gun laws on Atheistically Speaking, and to hear part two, Click Here. Headlines: Paypal shuts down steven anderson http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2016/06/pastor-that-praised-orlando-massacre-punished-by-paypal/ and Mexican Steven Anderson praises Orlando killer, loses lease: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2016/06/anti-gay-pastor-that-praised-orlando-massacre-loses-lease/ Priests aren’t allowed to be alone with kids anymore in canada...because the kid might liehttp://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/06/24/to-combat-lying-children-dioceses-in-canada-are-keeping-priests-from-being-alone-with-kids/ Iowa can’t make Mennonites pay for damage their steel wheels cause to roads: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/06/25/the-never-ending-religious-liberty-case-involving-steel-tires-damaged-roads-and-mennonites-2/ People burn the shit out of themselves at firewalking eventhttp://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/06/24/dozens-of-ignorant-fire-walkers-injured-at-tony-robbins-seminar/ We demand the killing of atheists trends on arabic twitter http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/06/23/we-demand-the-killing-of-atheists-was-trending-on-arabic-twitter/ Make america white again http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/06/24/pastor-and-congressional-hopeful-rick-tyler-wants-to-make-america-white-again/ This Week in Misogyny: Supreme Court strikes down restrictive Texas abortion laws: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/06/28/us/supreme-court-texas-abortion.html?_r=0 Atheist woman candidate says she won't be silent like church teachest (TWIM)http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/06/23/az-house-candidate-tells-religious-lobby-she-wont-be-silent-and-subservient-as-the-bible-says/ Priest gropes preteen girl at her holy communion party (TWIM)http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/06/23/pennsylvania-priest-accused-of-groping-pre-teen-girl-at-her-holy-communion-party/

Warning, the following podcast contains dick jokes. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new sitcom about proper gender roles in Shiite society. How I Ran Your Mother. It's just Bob Saget reading the Quran to his daughters. Ba-da-da-da-da. Honor killing. And now, The scathing atheist. This has been Allison with Jujune Kiwi calling from One-Eyed Cheshire Brewing to say we did, in fact, evolve from filthy, sexy monkey cats. Or monkey men.

It's Thursday. It's June 30th. And it's legal to kill a baby in Texas now. That shouldn't be taken as legal advice, by the way. I'm Noah Lusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, and Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. From New York, New York, and Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist.

On this week's episode, we finish the only book that's harder to read than it is to put in your pee hole. A congressional candidate gets tricked by Tom Sawyer into whitewashing America. An Arabic Twitter will put a hit out on us. But first, the diatribe. According to a probably untrue legend, Einstein, upon being asked which force was the most powerful in the universe, replied, compound interest. Now, I say probably untrue because A, that's what the Googles told me, and B, Einstein's a pretty smart dude. If he had time to think it through, I'm sure he would have said motivated reasoning. I mean, I couldn't find any solid numbers on this,

but I'm sure motivated reasoning's body count dwarfs compound interest, gravity, and electromagnetism combined. And I'd love to see the strong nuclear force try to convince a Mormon that Native American DNA doesn't disprove their religion. I'd love to see wind erosion try to convince a Jew that Joshua is the hero in that story. And I can't say for certain, but I've never seen the energy field created by all living things which surrounds and penetrates us and binds the galaxy together convince a Muslim that theirs is the religion of peace, right? I mean, I'm not saying it couldn't happen. This is not the justification for preemptively murdering children like a homicidal version of Minority Report you're looking for, but I haven't seen it. And in the interest of journalistic balance, I've also never seen it convince liberal intellectuals that Islam is no more violent than any of the other religions. Because look,

motivated reasoning is like that gross thing on your lip. Pretty obvious when it's on somebody else's face, but I've seen too many diehard Bernie supporters taken to the Facebook to assure each other that losing the presidential primary and popular votes and delegates tis but a scratch to suffer from the delusion that atheists are immune from it somehow. You know, we're probably more aware of motivated reasoning than the average sample, and so it stands to reason that we're less susceptible to it, but we're a long way from inoculated. And look, I get it. Not all motivated reasoning is created equally. It all depends on the motivation, right? And if your motivation is, I don't want to throw kerosene on this raging bonfire of bigotry, that's a far more

noble motivation than, I want to kill infidels so I get to fuck space virgins. And if your heuristic is, when I lack sufficient information on a subject, I'm going to default to the opposite of whatever Donald Trump thinks, that's going to lead you down the right path more often than the wrong one. But however noble your motivations, it doesn't make you any less wrong. Because motivated reasoning is working on both sides of this issue, and I'm no more immune to it than anybody else. I mean, full disclosure and all, the more fucked up religion is, the more job security I have. But there are objective facts that we can turn to. So let me propose a quick test. All right, you're going to need a Bible and a Quran or an internet connection, and don't do this if you're driving, but at your earliest

convenience, pick a random page out of the Old Testament, a random page out of the Quran, and a random page out of the New Testament. Read through them and count the express instructions to murder somebody that you find. And I'm talking about instructions for you, the reader, to murder somebody. I'm not talking about God telling Jephthah to go kill an Ammonite or something. I'm talking about the book telling you, the loyal follower of this holy book, to go murder people. You won't find anything like that in the New Testament. No go-kill-this-person stuff in there. But to be fair, it's intended as a companion to the Hebrew Bible.

And yes, the Old Testament has a few such murdery directives, right? A few instructions on stoning pre-fucked wives and men who lie with men and shit. And you may happen across one of those in a random sample of a page, but the odds that you will are about the same as the odds that you won't when you open the Quran. I actually saw this play out in New York last month. I'm up there for Nexus, and Heath and I are at Eli's with a couple of buddies choking down what we've been tricked into believing would be shepherd's pie. Fucking vegan. And the subject of reading the Quran comes up. So one of Eli's friends pipes up and says, okay, but is it really that bad? And before I can choke down my mouth full of this vegan potato paste and formulate an answer, Eli chimes in. He hands his buddy the Quran and he says,

open it to a random page and tell me if you find an explicit instruction to murder somebody. We ran the experiment six times. He found such an instruction on four of those occasions and on one of the other two, he found an instruction to dismember somebody. So that's still pretty bad. But maybe I'm just strawmanning the position here, right? Maybe it doesn't even matter what the less strategic and more kid-fucky Genghis Khan put in his book. After all, you don't hear many stories of Jews stoning their new wives to death on their father's doorstep, not even the really Jew-y ones. So maybe what it says in the holy book doesn't matter, and it really is just about interpretation.

Maybe the fact that there are fewer steps between doctrine and indiscriminate violence in Islam is a complete coincidence. But then let's look at the interpretation. indiscriminate violence in Islam is a complete coincidence. But then let's look at the interpretation. Look at the actions and numbers of the most radicalized Muslims and compare them to the percentages and actions you see out of the most radicalized people in any other religion. I mean, maybe the people that defend Islam as just another religion honestly see a different world than the one I do. I see a group of people that are inordinately prone to resorting to violence

whose sole connection is adherence to a book that tells them to resort to violence. And maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm filtering my news through the wrong sources and ignoring the real connections and allowing my bigotry to get the better of me. And maybe the religion that's created a repressive theocratic leaning or outright theocratic regime everywhere it's ever taken hold is real sorry about that and promises not to do it next time. And maybe the people who follow their holy books dictate regarding the murdering of infidels would ignore those passages if we'd

stop fucking with their oil. But maybe I'm right. Maybe I'm right and an awful lot of us aren't willing to be impolite to the people trying to kill us. I mean, look at the apostasy laws. Look at the atheism laws. Tell me what those countries that make our existence illegal have in common. I mean, whatever. There are some secularish Muslim societies, but there's also a lot of unmind gold. Look, I get it. I get not wanting to line up on the side of the bigots. And even from this side of the Atlantic,

you can see what happens when too many people lend them credence. But we also can't afford not to have honest conversations that are willing to talk about all the factors, no matter how impolite the facts turn out to be. Because if the rational people aren't fully engaged in that conversation, the people closest to the truth are the crazy fuckers that want to ban Muslims until we can sort this all out. And whatever our motivations, I feel like we can all agree that putting those raging fucktards in charge is the worst of all worlds.

They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the milk and cookies of humanism Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to lure old bearded men into your home with the promise of something sweet? Just like

Hedwig and the angry Grinch. That's it, exactly. Who wants to play Find the Worthers? I do. It's in my butt. It's always in my butt. It's an easy game. It's such an easy game.

It's an easy and hard game. It depends who's playing. In our lead story tonight, we have twin victories to celebrate this week against a couple of the vilest nemeses of decency and humanity, white Roger Jimenez, Stephen Anderson, and Mexican Steven Anderson, Roger Jimenez, both of whom learned the limits of their assholery leash in glorious fashion this week. And by the way, if you're not picturing the two of them connected by a string of anal

beads, then there's clearly something wrong with me. Either way, there's something wrong with me. Yeah, I was going to say, pretty sure it can be both. Anyway, after both of these overachieving bigots celebrated the massacre at an orlando gay club they were both kindly told to go fuck themselves by major providers of their income we'll start with earth's shrillest homophobe and gay substitute teacher incarnate stephen anderson who as you'll recall lamented in the wake of the orlando tragedy that the government shouldn't have made the shooter waste perfectly good bullets on those sodomites.

And guys, our GoFundMe to send Tom and Heath on a whirlwind romantic trip to beat up and or fuck Anderson is only $200 from its goal. Remember, if you give 50, you get the t-shirt and the hat. And the hat. Anyway, so Anderson, who you'll recall from 90,000 previous stories about what a maniacal asshole he is, and from saying cooking can be fun in the Twim intro, was hit with a fuck-off order from both PayPal and Apple, who shut down his accounts in the wake of his most recent hateful outburst.

Yeah, I guess those companies have sincerely held beliefs about advocating mass murder. Who'd have thought? Good thing we've got RFRA to protect them. This is just like penis cake. Same thing. Exactly the same. Inappropriate for your niece's birthday party, apparently, according to my fucking sister. thing we've got rifra to protect them this is just like penis cake same thing exactly same inappropriate for your niece's birthday party apparently according to my you keep saying that

but she's out of therapy and she's fine she's fine thank you yeah so in response to paypal's decision to frustrate his funding anderson declared war against gay people because according to anderson it was the quote sodomites that got his podcast removed from itunes and got his paypal account shut down and the give let account he tried to replace that with and the q give account he tried to replace that with and the bit pay account he tried to replace that with yes so uh steve if you're listening I did just check and bigotcoin.com is not taking the show. Oh, no shit. Yeah, so is hate the gays pal and no van homo. But Patreon will take your money.

Apparently. Of course, Anderson also expressed solidarity with Sacramento pastor and Hispanic impression of an Asian guy, Roger Jimenez, who got in hot water with his church's landlord after praising the Orlando shooter and bemoaning the fact that, quote, he didn't finish the job, end quote. Jimenez looks like Tiger Woods and A-Rod double teamed a honey badger. And they probably did. They probably did. He looks like a Telemundo star having a severe allergic reaction to what an asshole he is. So after video of his murder-end endorsing sermon went viral, his current landlord politely asked

him to fuck off. Well, the terms of the lease don't allow him to just kick him out. They've indicated that the lease is not going to be renewed and they're doing everything

they legally can to push him the fuck out the door because you have the right to free speech, but if you're going to use it to scream vitriolic lunacy, you get a street corner

and an end is nice sandwich board like everybody else. Looks like Hoist Gracie lost a fight to a bee yeah and in are you fucking kids and me news tonight according to the cbc the catholic church of montreal plans to bar priests volunteers and all those involved in faith education from being alone with children in order to protect the Catholic Church.

What? I mean, I get that. But I feel like they should also include, you know, adults in that rule. Grown-ups are lying about rape all the time, too. See? No, this is why we don't let him follow other atheists on Twitter. I said we had to do this. That is among the reasons.

Yes, yes. Go through his phone again when he falls asleep. Let him tucker himself out. In a campaign only slightly more absurd than Free Hat, the Chancellor of Montreal Archdiocese, Francois, explained that, quote, to give their story importance, a child can give an account of an incident that isn't always true.

End quote. So, yeah. Because, look, either Catholic priests are raping a bunch of people or there's a huge problem with children making false rape accusations. And neither the archdiocese nor the people who tweet at me are ready to say which is which. I got to be honest, though. I'm getting really tired of hearing about this kind of stuff. It seems like the church is just going to end up being you know infantilized by all these safety precautions ridiculous skeptics not sure that word means what you think it means but look i mean i i get this right because

because like like honestly we've all applied this rule right all three of us have worked as children's entertainers before and i know like i had a personal rule that said never be alone with one kid and it wasn't because i was afraid i was going to molest the kid i mean you i might have had different reasons to apply the rule but my reasoning is that you don't even want an opportunity for the appearance of impropriety to arise right that being said if someone publicly asked me and was recording my answer why i had that rule i wouldn't tell them i'm worried about those lying little shits saying i raped them. Which I did not. Which I certainly would have been a lie if they said that, which they haven't.

Also, if the No Illusions birthday party service just had a history of raping their shit out of kids, you wouldn't get all defensive. You wouldn't be like, oh, I bet you're just going to assume I'm going to rape him, huh? Well, I mean, they just made an Oscar winning movie called Noah Rapes a Bunch of Kids. I don't see how that's pertinent. I just flew myself in from Argentina. What? I'm sorry.

We're not allowed to ask questions? What were the altar boys wearing? Skeptic. Oh, God. So, this actually gets better. Wait. Oh, it does. So, this actually gets better.

Wait. Oh, it does. When asked to clarify the policy in what I assume was a... Wait, what the fuck did you just say? Sarazin doubled down with the following, saying the new policy was, quote, protecting victims, protecting families, protecting the church, end quote. Not adding... Not in that order, though. Right.

Also, not of equal importance. That's not the point. All three factors involved. This interview is over. It's over. Hey look, this backpack is a parachute. That's so weird. Is that naked Justin Bieber? Poof! And in zeals on wheels news

tonight, the court system in the state of Iowa is stupid. Things you say to calibrate a lie detector test correct and uh here's the latest reason why they're stupid according to last week's ruling by magistrate nicholas larson mitchell county is required to continue letting Mennonites destroy the public roads with their dumbass metal tires. And that's because he seems to think the First Amendment protects their religious belief that says God hates rubber tires

because they're too convenient. I smell another excuse not to use a condom. Sorry, babe, I'm just, i have sincerely held beliefs about rubber well but to be fair though on the steel tires thing the mennonites are trying to be antiquated and backwards that's sort of their thing and these are iowa mennonites like they're trying to be archaic compared to iowans that is is not an easy feat. You've got to cut them a little extra slack. We've got to cut out fire, guys. We've just got to fucking cut out fire. There's no other way.

So if you've read the Bible, you might be thinking to yourself, which part says you can't use rubber tires? Wasn't rubber invented in 1839? Did God add any chapters recently to his perfect book? And no, he did not. No?

The passage these people are using to justify driving around on steel tires that fuck up all the pavement comes from Romans 12, 2. And here's what it says. Quote, Do not conform to the pattern of this world. End quote.

That's it. Or loosely translated, Whatever, I do what I want. Oh my gosh. Guys, the Mennonites are the 17th century version of goth kids just standing around smoking. Tell me what to do, society. But I gotta say say, though,

if I follow their logic here and I get crazy billionaire money, I'm just going to fit a bunch of modern cars with steel tires and drive them around where these Mennonites are just to fuck with them, you know? They'll be like, damn it, now steel tires

are the pattern of the world. Fuck, time for another downgrade, guys. Mount those carriages on dried feces trapezoid, y'all. It's the only way. Just want to throw this out there. Monster truck Mennonite rally. You've got crazy billionaire

money, isn't it? I'm just spitballing here. Come on. The horse has to climb over the car first. Yes. There comes Jebediah and the Prussinator. Someone's just waving candles instead of the big torch thing. But bigger picture, it's been decided that Iowa can enforce literally zero laws on Christian people.

Well, right. They've managed to legalize everything that Eric Cartman's ever done or will ever think of. So, great job. And I think it's time for a restaurant made of stem cells in Des Moines. Wait, wait, wait. Isn't that just Little Caesars? And maybe some AIDS getting injected into this magistrate's mouth while he's sleeping. That is Little Caesars.

That's an ad. Yeah. Martin Shkreli arbitraging Listerine for $750 a bottle. Iowa. Douche. And in Me Walk Pretty

One Day news tonight, motivational speaker and lazy CGI version of a horse, Tony Robbins, managed to fuck up the third easiest magic trick in the world

and burn the shit out of a bunch of people this past week at his three-day $650 per person Unleash the Power Within seminar. We're in the wrong business, fellas.

No shit. Well, I mean, you do unleash the power within me all the time, but you really think people are going to pay for a seminar? That's what we stick with the videos, you know? If it ain't broke, you know. Pornhub.com forward slash tummy sticks. Wait, wait.

No, we got to go back here because I am fascinated to learn that there are two magic tricks easier than walk straight. So I'm sorry. You were saying about the... So for those who don't already know how this shit works, here's the primer on firewalking. They burn some shit, and then they let the coals cool down until nighttime. But because it's night, they're still red. Then, they cover the coals in ashes, your feet in water, and if you walk quickly and smoothly across, you're fine. Mass magician.

And then, you cheer because you made it across the slightly warm beach sand, and you finally get the confidence to finish your shitty novel or whatever the fuck it is the problem is if you're too confident or scared and you attempt to run you jam your foot down too hard and you sink it to where the actual fire is making the pretty colors that you're braver than well so so basically if if you've got your fire walk to the right temperature and it's the right length, the only way to do this wrong is to attempt to walk and fail. Yeah, yeah. Literally, it's just a stroll gone wrong. Yeah, exactly. It really speaks to the level of shitty hack that Tony Robbins is that he managed to injure people during the stunt.

Yeah, right. It's like teaching someone to find the five of clubs and three people losing a finger. Again, all in the videos. Yeah, right. He's like teaching someone to find the five of clubs and three people losing a finger. Again, all in the videos. But I've got to be honest here because I don't know who to blame because according to some reports,

one of the people injured stopped on the coals to take a selfie. And Tony Robbins, scanner, no, that person, I think we all agree, deserves to die on fire yes and

have it turn into a viral video with like auto tuner screaming what do you think I'm sick of that Jordanian pilot getting more YouTube views than me oh and while I flagellate and penance for that joke we'll take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife Lucinda to Sunni That joke, we'll take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. Too soon-y. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race.

If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Massage. You know, the one thing about this segment that I most regret is that I don't get to report good news often enough. But this week, I've got not one, but two slices of joy for y'all. And this first one is a biggie. This week in a landmark decision by the Supreme Court, it was decided that the oppressive restrictions put on abortion clinics in Texas are, in fact, illegal.

And this isn't just a huge win for women's rights. It's also a huge win in the fight against theocracy. Because regardless of how important an issue abortion access is to you, medically unnecessary, overly complicated laws designed by religious zealots to remove rights from people are bad for all sides, if we're being intellectually honest here. And as if there's not already enough girl power in this story, by the way, take a second and Google Ginsburg's opinion on this one. She does everything but fart in her hand and cup it over someone's mouth.

It's fantastic. So while we're all in such good spirits, let's switch over to something we can all agree on. Namely, fuck the Catholic Church and the asshole rapists that they protect. Because this week, two sisters have come forward to accuse Pennsylvania priest Charles Bogziak, no relation to Eli, of molesting them for years, beginning at one of their first communion parties. And for those of you who don't know, those take place all around their eighth birthday or so. And while we have yet to see what the results of the trial are, I have a hunch that those rascally Duke boys are going to jump the General Lee over raping a bunch of kids again. But wait, wait, I promised you two pieces of good news this week, so I'm going to end on a happy note here. And for me, there's almost no happier note than a kick-ass chick putting religion in its place, namely the garbage. Democrat Kara Pryor, whose brain is so large it's why people

thought there was a second moon on Facebook this week, is running for Arizona State Representative as an open atheist. So when a conservative group called the Center for Arizona Policy sent her a survey making sure that she hated fags the right amount, this was her response. Quote, I am running for office to help fight the biblical-based requirements that women should be silent and subservient. I am running for office to show that women can serve equally without being affiliated with any ideological or religious organization. I'm running for office to be the voice of all people in Arizona who are not represented by the current legislature for ideological or religious reasons. It is time to elect people who refuse to bow down to ideologues, religious lobbyists, or organizations that promote hate over humanity. It is time to elect people who are not looking for power or prestige,

but to serve the people of Arizona, regardless of political affiliation or religious beliefs. End quote. And in the spirit of pride and with a resounding yes, queen, I'm going to hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in a Twitter pill to swallow news tonight, as if in solidarity with this week's diatribe, Arabic Twitter gave us a morbid insight into Muslim desires when the hashtag HitchhikingU3WaterDragonsEatingFoliageErectPenisErectPenis

the word Joe with a lot of dots over it, limp pitchfork erect penis man with oversized butt plug bowing to said erect penis started trending. The Elon Bosnick story? Well, kind of, actually, because according to my sources, this apparently translates to, we demand the killing of the atheists. And Arabic is a right-to-left language, so that means atheists aren't the guy with the butt plug bowing like one might assume. We're actually erect penises and water dragons. We suck at Arabia. We're awesome even in your written language, Eden.

Word Muslim is probably a limp dick and a baby chameleon. And holy shit, I just looked it up and it is a limp dick and a chameleon. This is the best day. So happy. it really is and if you'd like to buy your limp dick and a chameleon t-shirt go to a scathing atheist.com no of course in the interest of balanced reporting we should point out that it's entirely possible that arabic twitter users were just reacting to that time that matt dillahunty invaded iraq or or that time that tom andillahunty invaded Iraq or that

time that Tom and Cecil took out that hospital with their glory drone, or it could be the inevitable outcome of generations of oppression at the hands of Julia Sweeney. I'm not trying to rule any of that out. I'm just trying to make it sound really stupid by saying it with words. I mean, I would watch the buddy comedy where Tom and Cecil blow up a hospital full of kids that's all I'm saying especially if you add an army of glory drones but in the meantime there is an intervention that I'd like to propose here

I call it OMGM or Twitterist removal the idea basically is that once they reach age 15 Muslim men who call for people to be killed in the name of their religion get their online privileges revoked basically we whack off their internet balls with no anesthetic and then they get their dick holes stapled shut and their wife can pry that out on their wedding night just gender equality and all of that last bit exactly that's for me that part's for me and finally tonight in do the white thing news

in order to drum up some attention for his congressional campaign in Tennessee's 3rd District, Christian pastor Rick Tyler recently commissioned a billboard with the phrase, Make America White Again. Meanwhile, Donald Trump's PR team got a stern talking to about voting down great ideas and worrying too much about being politically correct. Jesus. Probably. That would have been amazing.

Fucking racist inception. Rick Tyler is just saying what Trump supporters are thinking. Well, right, because this is simply the non-euphemistic translation of the official Trump platform, right? Pretty much. So, yeah, the reaction to the billboard has been mixed. Ironic. Miscegenated reaction. The only thing everyone seems to agree on is that Mr. Tyler looks like Estes Perkle lost a game of gay chicken to a gay chicken. Oh, God!

It was a gay chicken for those at home. But regardless of which side everybody landed on, pro or anti, the slogan left many people wondering, in what sense is he not suggesting ethnic cleansing? Because some of us are actually curious. And the answer is he has no plan for a genocide. He just wants it somehow. He just wishes America would go back to the demographics of 1965 somehow. So if anyone can make that happen, great job. No questions asked. He's running the race war version of a Craigslist post. I don't care whose dog it is or how you get it.

That post still hasn't gotten any replies. So my email again is No, no, no, no. Instead of that, we're going to focus on your idea of a scathing atheist mascot that's a gay chicken. I think that's a more productive use of your time. Barelylegalbeagles.com. Anyway, despite the billboard being taken down last week, Tyler's been getting plenty of attention from the media on this one, and he's made his position very clear. He's not a racist, and he's not lying. Oh, okay. Just like all those other people that need to clarify those two things.

He's not really lying. Who knew I'm not a racist but would become a viable campaign slogan in 2016? A lot of people, actually. But point being, it's not that he dislikes colored people. He just likes the white colored ones the best although that's a super clever distinction he's making still feel like he could use a little bit of help in the pr department and of course that's why we're here so let's go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock we're looking for campaign slogans for rick tyler other than making america

white again okay all right so right away for a sticker, I'm seeing honky if you're voting Tyler. Ooh. And for the buttons, just cracker backer. Ooh, I like it. Simple. Rick Tyler, I'm entitled to my opinion. Rick Tyler, I like Reich. Rick Tyler, is you is or is you isn't my constituency

You want to go with another popular campaign Tyler Nope The great white nope What about Rai Tai in 2016 A better clan for a better America Yes we clan

How about Rick the Dick in 2016 Clan for a better America. Yes, we clan. How about Rick the Dick in 2016? How about just Tyler Perry and the cast of Basketball Wives? Can we at least agree that they need to go? RT squared. I'm with her. Men-hes. A literary deep cut for you there.

One English major at home is like, I don't know if that's fair, but I get it. One more. What about Dickie Tiles for Congress? Some of my best friends are niggardly. Same English major just had that same reaction. And while people who don't know what that word means send us angry tweets, we'll bring the headlines to a rolling close. Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

Pull it. Squeeze it. Bop it. Brexit. And when we come back, Eli will slurp his way through the remaining literary epicac that is Finding God Beyond Harvard. Last week, we all took great pleasure in Eli's suffering as he recounted the first half of Kelly Colberg's testament to the perils of self-publishing, Finding God Beyond Harvard, The Quest for Veritas. Or, more accurately, The Quest for the Veritas I Came In With. As you'll recall, Colberg claimed in a recent lawsuit that the producers of God's Not Dead heavily borrowed from her book in the making of their film. Well, Eli decided to invest precisely one cent of money on Amazon and check up on the veracity of her claims himself and

has returned to finish the job in this week's installment of God Awful Books Literature Publications. So before we get started, Eli, can you catch us up on the action from last week? Well, Noah, I just realized for the first time as you said that sentence that she did in fact self-publish this book, and I'm going to use it to slit my throat as a result. As for what's between the covers, however, when we last left our heroine, she was super bummed out that everyone at Harvard Divinity School wasn't Christian enough,

and she was just about to start the very first Veritas Forum. Right, right, exactly. So we pick up this week with Chapter 5, The Veritas Forum Begins at Harvard. Very literal with the chapter and titles, isn't she? Yeah, she's not an imaginative person. No. So basically, this chapter is a montage of the forum she basically goes uh

students asked many questions like why is there still baby aids and the speakers were like here's the answer and they were like what but i i don't want to get onto all that scientists came and prove god existed and everyone was like totes my ghost it was super great i have a video but i lost it you're lying you're lying and then at the end people came up to me and they were like this was awesome i'm all about jesus now i wasn't before i go to harvard divinity school right yeah wow she found christians at a divinity school in america Amazing. Come fuck me at camp. Needle in a needle stack. Also, tiny note here, but there's a section where they take everyone on a tour of Harvard, and she's commenting on how the light of a long dead star shone so perfectly on the Madonna statue.

And I was just like, yeah, too bad it's going to fall from the sky when Jesus comes, right? Yeah, right. I thought you fucked this book. Yeah, too bad it's going to fall from the sky when Jesus comes, right? Yeah, right. I should fuck this book. Look at how beautiful it is, the way the moon shines off John Harvard's foot on the statue. Yeah, that's because we all pissed on it. If you're a student here, you know that.

No, go ahead. Lick it. Lick it. It's good luck. So then we move on to chapter six, road trip, living in skin. See, she gets clever as it goes. There you go, punny. And this is, hands down,

bar none, the worst chapter in the book. Oh, okay. Well, there's a thing later on that ruins one of the most important events in my life, and we'll get to that, but it's hard. It's hard. This is bad. Okay. So she gets invited This is bad. Okay.

So she gets invited to speak at a talk. I can't even. I'm so happy I didn't have to read this. She gets invited to speak at a talk called The Bible and Feminism. Oh, good. Yeah. Also on the docket was Big Shrimps. And there's this weird moment where she says she was inspired by quote

the candlelight vigils to end communism in east germany really like that sorry but they had nothing to fucking do with it that was reagan and jesus that was that was jesus and jesus reagan it was jesus reagan you'll spoil the 2020 election oh my bad my bad at it jesus reagan 2020 point and when she gets there okay so she goes to this thing and it's at this school she's never been to and when she gets there there's a counter protest by the international socialists organization the lgbt group and the albany chapter of the national organization of women and then literally she goes into the room and it's filled with and the description is fucking amazing like i don't buy this book don't but it's the room is

in her description just filled with like fat lesbians and gay men fucking each other through assless chaps which are the only kind of chaps you could stop tweeting that to me each other's and like through each other's ear gauges and shit and the christians are just and the christians in her description are just fearfully quivering in the corner she literally says she recognized them because they weren't tattooed oh wow huh so if i pull my dick out of a gay person's ear gauge then i could pass as a christian that's good to know keep that in mind i mean you got to put it away too it's a whole thing but yeah no deal so she gets up there and she tries to speak but they're all like shouting her down and now i'd like to provide this information without commentary no you wouldn't

cully kahlberg was very worried about the extreme left shouting speakers down and restricting free speech in 1992. Just providing that information. No commentary, no opinion. Cully Kahlberg, who wrote this book, who is about to blame AIDS on gay people, was worried about super leftist college students shutting down speakers in 1992. It's almost like it's not a new thing at all. I mean, gosh, this isn't me or anything, but I guess you could conclude from this that that false narrative of the left going too far is something people have

been using for quite a while i mean i would never make that point i would never make that point but i'm just saying happens in the book at eli bosnick the poisoning the well explanations can go to at eli sorry sorry sorry so she calms them all down by writing everything they're saying on the blackboard and they all be quiet so she can write it down one at a time. Of course they do. Yeah. She basically goosefrabs a room full of liberals. So the first person up is like abortion.

McBortion. That's the atheist happy meal. I think that it is. Love those. And they're basically and they say, we should have a right to choose. It's the atheist happy meal. That is. Love those. And they're basically, and they say, we should have a right to choose. It's the law. And Kelly says, I'm not going to argue with you, but shouldn't people be allowed to speak about the loss of millions of lives? That's a direct quote way.

And instead of the person going, they're not fucking lives, you racist land zen catalog. She just shrugs and eats another fetus or something. All right, of course. And then she gives this rousing monologue about how she found Jesus. Oh, I was hoping she would. And you know why? Because I wanted you to be pre-punished for all the anti-SJW Twitter trolls you just unleashed. My inbox is going to be filled with that shit now.

How can you allow him? To say words that he thinks show about what he thinks about stuff. No, we're doing this all wrong. We got to start sticking him on Heath. He checks his Twitter twice a year. He's everyone's Facebook dad. Right. You retweet three things a month.

Get off a beach. Go fight with people on the internet like the rest of us. Fuck. Didn't have to watch God's Army. It's fine. That's why he always looks like he's at a fucking beach because he's not doing all this internet fighting like you and I. You and I have just constantly pressed the screens going, how do I say fuck you in 140 characters?

Exactly. We always look like we just came from Verdun. You always look like you just came from the fucking beach. Anyway. At Pen Pals. Is that what you guys are talking about? I have like dickhead ones and it doesn't matter anyway uh she talks about how great jesus is and how he totally loves women if you'd only read the bible you'd find out how much well sure he's not gonna slather himself in nard cream exactly

then she tells the story of a friend who was gonna have an abortion but didn't so she should probably sue donald trump as well that's all i'm saying like if she's suing uh and maybe carly fiorina too there's lots of exposure no her daughter survives in the book i checked oh okay it's not funny not funny no and then then someone asked her what god thinks of gays and she says have you ever lost a friend to aids oh jesus i just have to i just have to read i have to read the words that happens so she she asked this gay guy uh have you ever lost a friend to aids and this is her response uh the gay guy says no. And she says, I have. My friend Scott's father died in an accident when he was

young. Scott and I were friends in high school and went off to college together. He was named the American Playwright of the Year in 1994. Maybe Scott didn't have time to bond with his father. Maybe he didn't feel masculine or accepted. I don't know. But in college he began to consume maleness. And although

he had once been a comic genius, his eyes went dark. Oh, God. In the end, he was consumed with himself. Though I believe he felt the love of Jesus, I was too tolerant, in quotes, to ask questions or say much to him, even though I could see it happening. So that's... Fuck this book. He describes him like a werefag or something.

What the... The hell? fuck this book he describes him like a werefag or something what the the hell must not blow dunes get away and then later I know I'm taking extra time on this chapter but this is the fucking pinnacle of this woman's

poisonous ideas she also has a moment right after that where she says premarital sex is bad. And I quote, maybe the body we desire is the body of Christ. He's pretty hot. I'm an, I'm an abs guy. I'm an abs guy.

No way. I'm a hand hole guy. We would make a great tag team. Foot holes, foot holes, the Holy Trinity right there. I know some of you can draw draw it eli tagging so then she mentions that in 1995 peter jennings did a special on the veritas forum and she she and a bunch of other christians got to whine on tv that you don't get to check

other the lord above on your science final uh and it was almost canceled and there's just this fucking fantastic moment that i have to read uh from later in the book quote i later learned that abc almost canned the feature saying where are the images of angry students protesting the feature's executive producer an impressive jewish woman stood up and said and'm going to do it how I assume she would do it. I've never seen anything like it. These students don't protest. They pray. The more they are persecuted, the more they pray. Oh, God.

Is that what the Jewish lady said? Yeah. According to what she heard later. Yeah. According to Kelly Kohlberg's self-published book. Yeah, according to Kelly Kohlberg's self-published book. Yeah, right. So she's headed off on an East Coast tour to debate the problem of evil, and she breaks up with her boyfriend,

who I can only assume immediately banged someone fun and just filled her with cum like a Macy's Day balloon. It's like anyone but her. Okay, and so chapter 10, by the way, is called Forgiving, Pain the Color of Crimson. So forget all the nice shit I said about the chapter titles earlier. Fuck you. Yeah.

And when I saw this chapter, I really hoped that she got hit by a bus or maybe someone told her what an asshole she was. Or like she was trying hook suspension from a hot air balloon and accidentally took off and ripped off her skin like she had pissed off Willow from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. But no, the boyfriend she broke up with, who she was hoping to get back together with, started fucking her best friend. And I cheered and scared my butt. Oh, yay! Yay, it was in my head. Yeah, happy ending after all. And nobody loved me because I'm an asshole.

It ends there, right? It does if people want to stop listening. Nobody will blame you. Go back. Listen to Tweet a Dick again. That was pretty good. That was pretty good. Yeah, exactly.

Now he's going to marry, no, he's going to marry the other girl. I was kind of hoping he'd leave Kelly at the altar first, you know, and then she'd like walk into a sitcom episode crying with the dress. That's fine. It's fine. Still good, I guess.'d like walk into a sitcom episode crying with the driver. That's fine. It's fine. Still good, I guess. Yeah.

So. Sub-Havisham, but good. Her thoughts on the breakup are this, quote, this is a rich girl who has been going to Harvard. This is her thoughts on her breakup, quote, I sense more deeply the realities of human pride, injustice, and horror in the world. I thought of the women and children on our mission trips whose husbands and fathers had been murdered i felt the fact the children sold into prostitution end quote seriously and and she isn't setting up and compared to all that i realized i have

exactly no worries and will never face adversity that's not no no no quite the opposite she is comparing herself to the child prostitute. Oh, for fuck's sake. Mm-hmm. She's so bummed about losing her boyfriend that she, like, doesn't want to run

Veritas anymore. Oh. And then the guy funding Veritas can't fund it anymore. Oh. And she asks Harvard for money, but everyone hates her.

And she really tries to spin it like everyone at Harvard doesn't hate her, but everyone at Harvard hates her, and they say no. And at this point, my notes

were just like, please let this be the end of the book. Please let she just dies alone in a cabin by her own hand. Right. Singing, I dreamed a dream. I was just hoping she pissed off Ted Kaczynski at an alumni event or something. Oh, there you go. That would have been a great twist.

She does? No, but she does get Lyme disease. And at this point, I think I realized what we all realized, which is that I was having a very different experience of this book than everyone else who'd ever read it. Yeah, right. Because then her stepdad gets lung cancer, and I'm just punching the air like, go, go, go, go, good-o. It's like the scene where Rocky gets back up.

Oh, good. It's like the scene where Rocky gets back up. But that's the extent of the joy in this book, because then she goes for a run and it's beautiful outside. And I don't know if she ran into Francis Carlyle out there, but because it was beautiful outside, Jesus. And she writes about how lovely it is outside, like a sixth grade love poem. If he loved me, turn to page 63. If he fucked my best friend me turn to page 63 if he fucked my best friend turn to page 112 if you talked eli into reading this for you turn to the back cover now we're deep into the double digit chapters now chapter 11 knowing and believing we're almost

there finish line is in sight that's right so she's gone through her crisis of faith so now she's recommitted to the jesus and in this chapter we're supposed to imagine her like reading a bunch of books and chasing the fucking chicken but she actually just like kayaks and feels bad for herself oh i see spoiled white girl yeah anyway this chapter is basically three arguments uh about why she figured out god exists. First up, fine-tuning. That's rock solid. She also has a moment to take a shot at Sagan here, where she says, quote, Sagan says the universe is all there ever

is or ever will be, but he'd have been a lot more accurate if he had just read Genesis 1, end quote. You hear that, Neil? You hear that? That fucking matters. Oh no, tweet some more about how you can't hear explosions in space, Neil! You're an educator, Neil? You hear that? It fucking matters. Oh, no. Tweet some more about how you can't hear explosions in space, Neil. You're an educator, Neil. You're an educator.

Hey, he's not an atheist. He likes Jesus Christ Superstar. Venn diagram is a pair of tits there. Yeah, it's a travesty that top universities are teaching about Carl Sagan. But meanwhile, we're completely illiterate about Lando Calrissian. It's important. And then she talks about how stupid it is to think the universe is just a roll of the dice

for 12 pages, and I'm going to spare you all of that, but the next argument in this chapter is the Bible. And basically her argument is the Bible is great and perfect. Here's her quote. It is full of verifiable information useful to every person as well as to archaeologists so this is a category

like in addition to every person yeah exactly archaeologists historians scientists healers artists lovers parents and so on. Parents, right? Really? Well, I mean, you know, who's just supposed to gas at child-beating Rod Langfemm? I mean, come on. Stone their sexually active unmarried daughters on any old porch?

You need a guideline, yeah. It makes sense. Plus, most dads aren't going to know how to figure out the equilibrium price for letting someone rape their daughter. You know, you have to draw a graph, you have a graph yeah it's a whole thing we should make an app right and then part three of this chapter is jesus which is oddly not included in the bible section but whatever i see and this this is her attempt at like getting in with the kids as a

quote from this section jesus fired on all pistons. He had it going on. If he was meek and humble, laying down his rights, should I not do the same? And you can't see it, but I'm doing finger guns over here. He had it going on is in the book.

Here, I'll tell you what, lady. Here's how you start off. Jesus never wrote anything down. See, you're already fucking this up because if you claim to be the king of the Jews and got crucified at the end and never wrote a book, that would be awesome. That's what he had that you don't have. I choose that option. Turn to page 114. And just when you think this book can't get worse, she claims a friend prayed away her Lyme disease. And here's what's really terrifying. I bought this book can't get worse she claims a friend prayed away her Lyme disease oh and here's what's really terrifying I bought this book used again for a penny and whoever had it before me

had underlined this whole section about the friend curing the Lyme disease that very clearly advises people to have God try and take their Lyme disease away so I assume the reason I now own this book is because that person is dead well well but because how the hell else would a disease that goes away on its own in two to four weeks just go away on its own in two to four weeks unless of course she's claiming to have had chronic lyme disease which she almost certainly is in which case she may as well be claiming she had terminal cooties or a dislocated aura yeah, kind of like a quadriplegic aura. Yeah, right.

I can fuck away your chroniclymedisease.com. Might as well. I got an episode with Marsh. 400.com slash tummy stacks. Check them both out. And then she takes credit for my work, literally. So here's the quote. Several years after the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center, we learned about the public suicides at New York University.

Several students had jumped from the crosswalks inside the library, crashing to the marble floor below. End quote. She then goes on to say that they did a bunch of forums and people found Jesus and the suicides stopped. And I know that's bullshit because I was part of the program that stopped the fucking suicides. Actually, what happened in NYU was that they enacted its mental health program and began a show directed by Liz Suedos, written by students for students about mental health services and the challenges faced by college freshmen. And I know that because I wrote and was in the show for four fucking years. And here's the thing. Here's the thing.

Me, and until this show, it was the only thing in my life I had to be proud of. I had a shitty corporate job selling plastic thumbs, and I'd say, kids write me emails saying, oh, you saved my life. And I would go to sleep at night, ready the next morning to go, and be like, magic, have a sponge ball.

And I fucking woke up in the morning going, it's okay because I did this and this fucking piece of shit, if there was any way for me to hate this book more, she found it. The thing that is the best of my college experience,

she tried to give credit to her shitty little Jesus club which I remember from college and it was fucking empty so they filled it with a bunch of local fucking churches and everyone everyone found out about it, and then they had to send all the Mexican people home, so fuck her. Fuck her. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck her.

Also, by the way, fun fact, people who bought her book for one cent also bought Alkaline Water and Bill Cosby's Alibi. Bill Cosby's 35 Alibis or however many it is. Oh my God, it's nosebleeding in here. Yeah, I was going to say, are you going to be able to make it into chapter 14 here? We can take a minute. All right. So after she takes credit for the thing that I'm most proud of from college, she does a summary chapter where she basically takes credit for science, art, and the fact that ho-hos are back in circulation due to Jesus because science is inspired by Jesus and Jesus healed the sick and lots of doctors are Christians and Brahms and Mozart and fuck this book. Yeah.

And the McRib. All right, and that finally brings us around to the final chapter, chapter 16, which you have titled in the notes, Eli, as... And she lived happily ever after. Go fuck yourself. I did not... I can't even...

It's just... And now I have two beautiful boys and as I sit by the fire roasting marshmallows, I meditate on Kurt and Proust and the fags and the net. And one time, Eli was a freshman in school, and he found compass and helped people and learned what it meant to be empathetic, but it was really because we invited William LeBron to school. All right, so the only positive observation I can make about this book is that it doesn't sound anything at all like God's Not Dead.

So what's your verdict? Is she taking credit for other people's work again or what? This book has nothing to do with God's Not Dead. Nothing. This is the story of a spoiled, rich bigot who started school clubs around the country and for whom the most difficult moment of her life was breaking up with her college boyfriend fuck this book fuck this woman all right that's what we were after i guess and rather than insult stars by asking you to afford some number of them to this book i simply ask you this what is the least valuable thing you could have spent your penny on

that still would have been more valuable than this book? Oh, okay. Well, again, I didn't read it, but I'm going to answer here anyway. I'm assuming 0.024 inches of a Subway sandwich would be much better. I'm going to go with Bitcoin. And the saddest part is right now you could probably buy a car in England with it if you just saved it. So on that sad note, we're going to wrap up the book report. So here's hoping that shot of schadenfreude will tide you over to the next installment of

God Awful Books Literature. It's time for the part of the show that comes next, the listener feedback. This is the part of the show that we've been holding off on for weeks, so don't be surprised if we explode all over your thighs this time around. Just warning you in advance. Our first message comes from Emil,

who was going through the archives and sent us some hilariously stupid details about a story we covered back on episode 157. The story was about a guy in a mascot costume getting arrested because the female mascot wasn't wearing a burqa. Right. It was a dude underneath. It was a dude underneath that female mascot wasn't wearing a burqa. Big trouble. And then we made a joke about how much easier it would have been for Bugs Bunny to pass himself off as a lady on Saudi TV.

And I'll let Emil take it from here. And I'll let Emil take it from here. He said, quote, As someone who actually lived in Saudi Arabia for two years, I just wanted to communicate how endearing I found your American naivete. I would have killed for Bugs Bunny cartoons, even with a burqa. But no, see, a cartoon might be a drawing of a person. As we all know, it's against Islamic tradition to draw Muhammad.

But in practice, since no one really knows what Muhammad looked like, there's always the chance that someone will assume the drawing is of Muhammad, even if it's an anthropomorphized rabbit. So to avoid this tricky situation, the Saudi government simply declared all drawings and cartoons haram end quote wow he found us very amusing and naive if muhammad was a cartoon rabbit i'd be much more amenable to their whole religion that's why i still celebrate all the christian holidays they're the ones with the fucking cartoon mascots but i mean they would have a fucking smart ass rabbit that did groucho marx. They'd automatically win out.

I'd do Ramadan for that. I mean, not the fasting, but I'd like, you know, I'd eat at night. But here's the question. Where's the Muslim in the red hat daring us to prove Muhammad wasn't a rabbit, huh? Yeah, right, right. I also received several tweets, messages, and emails from people letting me know that in Latin, one doesn't pronounce the V in Veritas. It's actually pronounced Veritas.

However, those people are fucking wrong, because that's common Latin, you peasants. Church Latin very much does pronounce the frictive as cited by William Harris in the description. And seeing as Veritas, as used by Harvard, is almost certainly based on De Verite of Anselm of Canterbury, or perhaps either John 832 or John 1838, we can safely assume it's in reference to the latter, Chimera. Oh, you knew you got it wrong. Eli just went nuclear. Watch out. Yeah, right? And finally tonight, we also had a tweet from ex-Jehovah's Witness Kenny filling us in on the details of the minigame we did about the anti-gay J-Dub video. At the end of the video, the little girl is talking with her mom

as to how to best alienate her classmate and gay bash her parents. And she says, I can tell her about the animals. And we didn't know what the fuck that meant. Well, as it turns out, it's at least as crazy as we hoped it would be because apparently in J-Dub Heaven, all the animals turn friendly so that kids can ride

tigers and shit. And I guess that's what she was talking about. Side note, totally in. J-Dub. Yeah. Absolutely fantastic. They're basically saying you can jump the shark in j-dubs heaven while riding on a second shark that's pretty much how it works i just i love how religious stuff always makes less sense the more you learn about it go j-dubs and i know eli already said finally

but i wanted to throw this in too i i need to point out that i received a ton of shit from my pronunciation of glasgow and edinburgh on last week's show uh and here's all i'm going to say in my defense. When the hell else would a person trust Scots on how shit is pronounced? I mean, you know, fuck, I'll pronounce it however you want if it's that important to you. But I'm just saying, the locals wouldn't give Scottish people shit for not calling it New York. When linguists write books and then when it comes to explaining why you speak the way you do, all shrug their shoulders and start talking about Ireland again, you don't tell us.

You don't tell us! Through the language lens! And that's all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets, and Facebook messages. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com.

You're pronouncing the word true! Fucking open your mouth all the way! See you in October. Before we shrink below the horizon tonight, I wanted to let everybody know how to get a little more Eli in their lives. He appeared this week on Thomas Smith's Atheistically Speaking to add gun lovers to his growing list of angry email demographics. You'll find at least half of that two-part debate linked on the show notes, possibly all of it, depending on how quickly I finish the edit this week.

Eli also appeared on the most recent septennial release of Andy Wilson's Incredulous podcast this week. And, of course, this podcast, equivalent of A Transit transit of Venus will also be linked on the show notes. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. But we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister shows, Hot Friend Godawful Movies, debuting at 8 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday. Cracking open what I hope will be a boundless well of apocalyptic parkour movies this week. If that doesn't pique your interest, I'm honestly not sure we can still be friends. Obviously, the fat lady would get laryngitis if I didn't thank Heath

for wishing I'd turn into a real boy all those years ago. I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lucians for not being imprisoned by a dragon in advance of our courtship. I need to thank the lovely in his own way Eli Bosnick for never not once in near decade that I've known him asking me to pick a card, any card. I'd also like to thank my fat-ass cat for allowing me to use the keyboard long enough to write this outro, and obviously, I want to thank Ben for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most perfected people, Brandi, Teresa, Ingrid, Carol, Joshua, David, Rob, WM, Joel, Joseph, John, and Roxanne.

Brandi, Teresa, Ingrid, and Carol, whose elegance leaves me more breathless than a rapidly recited list of donor names, Joshua, David, Rob, and WM, who are so intellectually stimulating my dendrites are at half-mass just from saying their names, and Joel, Joseph, John, and Roxanne, who are so sexy the dude does them back. Together, this dirty dozen deliciously doubtful disbelievers dole out some dollars to keep the operation afloat this week. If you'd like to join their storied ranks,

you too can give us money by making a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're taking advantage of recent news on the tensile strength of carbon fiber nanotubes by investing all your money in a new space escalator, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, telling a friend about the show, or playing it on a boombox in the rain across the yard from the

girl that dumped you. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. But as far as the contents of what happened in one second, there's a motorcycle race going on. It's a very intense motor. Very clearly was, like, the bad guys from Fast Five going to get you.