The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 177: Quranic Embryology Edition

Episode Date: July 7, 2016

On this week’s episode, Tim Tebow disappoints one last fan, the sequel to Christian Mingle gets a lot more interesting with a new lesbian porn angle, and Muhammad’s rambling, drunken Facebook post of a revelation continues. Click Here to make a per episode donation at Patreon.com Click Here to buy our book. Click Here to check out The Skepticrat. Click Here to check out God Awful Movies. Guest Links: Click Here to check out the Montgomery Humanists Facebook page. Click Here to donate to their fundraiser. Headlines: Supreme court will not hear pharmacists who don’t want to do their job because of jesus: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/06/28/supreme-court-will-not-hear-case-involving-pharmacists-who-refuse-to-do-their-jobs-because-of-jesus/ Jw’s try to destroy 7000 year old maya temple because it's not christian http://www.telesurtv.net/english/news/Jehovahs-Witnesses-Destroy-Ancient-Indigenous-Temple-in-Mexico-20160628-0009.html And http://www.rawstory.com/2016/06/jehovahs-witnesses-accused-of-vandalizing-7000-year-old-pyramid-out-of-fears-of-devil-worship/ Tim tebow prayed a guy back to life http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/06/28/christian-quarterback-tim-tebow-didnt-do-anything-heroic-on-a-delta-flight/ Pope says that the catholic church owes guys an apology while supporting a cabal of people denying them rights with special bonus melt down by Bill donahue http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/06/26/pope-francis-says-gay-people-deserve-an-apology-but-his-actions-show-otherwise/ And http://www.rawstory.com/2016/06/catholic-leagues-bill-donohue-melts-down-on-cnn-after-pope-tells-him-to-apologize-to-gays/ Attack in Dhaka: 20 dead, those who could recite a Quranic verse spared: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-asia-36692613 NY psychiatrist lobbying for "demonic possession" as real clinical diagnosis: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/07/02/board-certified-new-york-psychiatrist-thinks-demonic-possession-can-be-the-correct-diagnosis/ And https://www.washingtonpost.com/posteverything/wp/2016/07/01/as-a-psychiatrist-i-diagnose-mental-illness-and-sometimes-demonic-possession/ After Settlement, ChristianMingle allows gays: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/07/02/after-settlement-gay-users-will-finally-be-able-to-use-christianmingle-com/ This Week in Misogyny: The one word he’d give to women who’d had an abortion http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/06/28/christian-pastor-explains-the-one-word-hed-say-to-women-who-have-had-an-abortion/ Sheriff sends sex traffic workers to christian ministry http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/06/28/texas-sheriff-sends-sex-traffic-victims-to-christian-ministry/

Changing a light bulb should be simple. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh-oh, that's not supposed to happen. Quickly submitting and tracking a claim on the Bel Air Direct app actually is simple. Bel Air Direct. Insurance simplified. Warning, the following podcast contains all seven of George Carlin's words you can't say on television except cocksucker. And now, it has that too. on television except cocksucker.

And now, it has that too. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Ken Ham's new cold fusion machine that he's going to use to power his impossibly large boat. It's the Noah's Ark reactor. It's going to be just like the one they had back in biblical times.

All he needs is another $18 million grant from the U.S. government, a quick consultation with John Galt, and for everything in books to be real. Noah's Ark Reactor. The perfect holy war machine. And now, The Skating Atheist. Hi, I'm Oslo P. Eshu from the law offices of Oslo P. Eshu, Kangaroo Law. Have you or someone you love been attacked by a kangaroo? Call me, and I'll fight for you.

We did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. But kangaroos didn't, and that's why they're bastards. It's Thursday. It's July 7th. And we're finally getting a good look at Uranus. Yeah, it's like a butt. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright.

And from New York, New York, Seattle, Washington, and Valdosta, Georgia, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode... Tim Tebow disappoints one last fan. The sequel to Christian Mingle gets a lot more interesting with a new lesbian angle. And Muhammad's rambling, drunken Facebook post of a revelation continues. But first, the diatribe. Okay, so I know gays are people, but are they people?

I mean, equal rights, sure, but all the equal rights? That's asking a little much, isn't it? No? And why the fuck do we keep acting like it is? I mean, don't get me wrong. There's definitely social progress to applaud over the last decade or so, but this piecemeal way that we're doling out equality is insane. It's like we've decided to switch which side of the road we drive on, but we're doing it one make of car at a time. Look, there aren't two sides to this issue. On one side, we've got at least 15 million

Americans who want all the same shit the other 304 million of us get. And on the other side, we've got a bunch of bigots who think that they're gross or sinful or whatever adjective they want to wrap their bigotry in. And yet, as a society, we're still pandering to those bigots. And even many of us allied with the oppressed minority are hesitant to dismiss their prejudice entirely. You know, in the wake of the Obergefell

decision, I couldn't count how many times I heard people say, people allied with the LGBT cause say stuff like, well, the Christians need to pipe down because it's not like the law is going to force them to let gay couples marry in their churches. It's not like the law is going to force pastors to preside over gay weddings. I've even heard atheist allies say, nobody wants that. But why the fuck wouldn't we? You you know if churches provide a service they need to provide that service for everybody if a church turned gay people away at the door for the sunday sermon or turn homeless gay people away from their soup kitchen they should be treated no differently than a diner that turns away black people or a movie theater that turns away jews

and if one of the services they provide is weddings they should have to provide those services for anybody that's legally allowed to marry. So ultimately, yes, we are going to force Christians to marry gay couples in their churches. We're going to force any pastor or priest who performs marriages to do it for any couple, regardless of their sexual orientation or his bigotry. And along the way, we're going to sue churches out of existence and turn them into coffee shops and sex toy emporiums. Either that, or we're going to give in to bigotry and stop short of equality. Look, Christianity has drawn a line in the cultural sand here, and it is our moral obligation

to cover it over with our footprints. I mean, I know there are plenty of progressive churches out there that embraced the LGBT community a while back, and still more just see the writing on the wall and don't want to dig their heels in on a fight they can't win. But the dominant Christian voice on this issue is anti-gay, and the dominant anti-gay voice is Christian. And the numbers bear this out. According to the most recent surveys I could find, between 44% and 53% of Americans believe that homosexuality is a sin. And when you consider that only about three-quarters of Americans

have a religion that believes in sin, you figure that even on the low end, more than 60% of American Christians still agree that God hates fags, as long as you don't word it that way. Now look, you and I know how this plays out. We've studied our American history, and we know that 50 years from now, the Christians are going to be taking credit for the gay rights movement. They're going to dig up six forward-thinking pastors from today and act like they were the ones really speaking for Christianity way back now. They'll say that when you think

about it, Jesus was the first real LGBT activist, and the fact that the most Christian states were also the most anti-gay states, well, that's just a coincidence like it was with civil rights. But that's no comfort to a gay or trans person living today, because while we're watching the arc of history slowly bend towards justice, they're patiently awaiting each new slice of equality like Michael J. Fox was dealing canasta. And in the meantime, they have to listen to progressive voices. The voices of their allies occasionally say shit like, well, gay people should be able to get married. Sure. But I don't think Christian Mingle should have to let them use their website. And look, with all due apologies to our libertarian listeners, there is no way to get there

without passing through prejudice along the way. It might not be a conscious prejudice, but unless your starting assumption is that gay people don't deserve the full slate of rights we afford the rest of the people, your argument makes no fucking sense. If somebody set up a whites-only dating website, would you complain when the law forced them to rebuild that site or shut it down? And if they did, would any of us hesitate to apply the motive of prejudice? And if anybody wants to argue that you can reach that conclusion through purely libertarian principles, then I would argue that those purely libertarian principles are inherently prejudice. I mean, look, bigotry, at least in my opinion, is kind of the Achilles heel of libertarianism, you know, that and social inequality, inequality of educational opportunity

and inherited wealth. Without getting rid of those four things, the libertarian ideals will always have to be constrained by legal action to preserve equality and to believe otherwise is simply utopian. So ultimately, the committed libertarian should be at the vanguard of my position here, since the closer we get to social equality, the more libertarian our laws could really be. And by the way, if this diatribe pisses you off, I want you to try an experiment before you write me an email about it. Just take your argument, whatever it is, and write it down. Then try swapping the word gay or trans or LGBT with black or Hispanic or Jew and see how it looks to you. My guess is that a lot of you, when you do, are going to realize that what you're really saying is that you know gays are people. But are they people?

They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Calvin and Hobbes of humanism, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to take the world in your hand and transmogrify it? It's amazing what they're doing with cardboard these days. Absolutely. Isn't that?

Fuck you, Bill Watterson. Oh, I'll just break a generation's heart so nobody makes a stuffed animal. Where are you now, Bill? You're dead. You're dead. That's right, Bill. No one over 30 knows who you are sorry sorry you should we we know bill is still alive now before we even get started this week i do want to offer a quick correction though to something i said in last

week's show we were talking about that dumbass book that eli read and in it that chick said that some friend of hers prayed away her lyme disease. Anyway, during the conversation, I said that Lyme disease goes away in two to four weeks without treatment. And right up until the without treatment part, that sentence was correct. It normally goes away in two to four weeks with a regimen of it. Yeah, it wasn't even written in the notes. I don't know why the fuck I said it. So normally we do corrections at the end of the show. But when I accidentally say something that dangerously stupid, I kind of like to tackle it right up front.

But to clarify, we are still standing by the fact that i can fuck away your chronic lyme disease oh yes absolutely i know it's anecdotal but i do not have chronic lyme disease so that at least supports the hypothesis and my dick is so small it counts as a homeopathic treatment so you know then it's completely unregulated awesome in our lead story tonight from the bigot pharmaphile thanks to that hooker obama hired to choke out antonine scalia the supreme court's conservative block was unable to get the four votes they needed in order to hear a case about religious pharmacists refusing to do um their fucking jobs and give people the thing it

says on the paper from the doctor. In particular, birth control. They won't do that. Surprise, surprise. In other news, they also refused Higgins versus Bisbee about whether or not someone can hear you if they're going la la la la. So here's what happened. Apparently, putting pills in a bottle from a raised platform while wearing a lab coat for no reason became way too difficult for several Christians in Washington state because occasionally those pills were being used to prevent ovulation, which is the same as murdering a baby. According to the Bible, maybe it doesn't say that anywhere in the Bible, but that's the story we're getting.

I have no idea. Well, okay, but what if we made a tiny little swinging robot and then sent it into the uterus to abort the fetus with a tiny little rock? I mean, I feel like the Bible would be on our side at that point. And apparently that's easier than just expecting Washingtonian pharmacists to do their fucking jobs. Fun fact, that was originally the plot of Big Hero 6. And I got to say, as someone who's currently in Washington state, I can verify that putting pills in a bottle would by far be the most challenging job I've seen someone do all week. Seriously, two coffee shops that serve raw milk. Oh, God.

This was actually a refreshing piece of good news here. Thanks to five-eighths of... eight-ninths of the Supreme Court being sensible human beings on the topic, these pharmacists will not be permitted to waste everyone's fucking time with arguments about how

medical professionals should be allowed to run their business like Ron Paul would run a restaurant, which I'm assuming would have a clown statue out front that says, you must be this white to eat here. Clanny the Clown makes some very upsetting balloon animals. Our search for a mascot may have ended there. And in my oh my news tonight,

a 7,000-year-old indigenous temple in Mexico was vandalized last month by a group claiming to be Jehovah's Witnesses. And I say claiming to be because the official J-dubs spokesfolks in Mexico are feverishly denying it. But let's face it, no non-Jehovah's Witnesses ever claimed to be a Jehovah's Witness. Now, I should be clear here that the charge that connects the J-dubs to this act comes from a single source. Now, I should be clear here that the charge that connects the J-dubs to this act comes from a single source, but according to Luis Perez Lugo, a professor at the University of Chapingo who visited the site in the wake of the vandalism, a group of Jehovah's Witnesses were there and took credit for it and then called the ancient religious site piggish garbage that wasn't in the Bible and therefore an offense to God. And in defense of Lugo's story, that is what the Bible says, more or less.

Of course, we still could find out that a J-Dub dropped a piano on Lugo's brother's head or something, so take it with a grain of salt, but as of now, that's the only lead we've got on whodunit. And you know what else is piggish garbage that's not in the Bible? Dressing like Dwight Schrute and trespassing on other people's property all day. And even if this story turns out to be just like random vandals instead i think we get bonus religious bullshittery points because either the j-dubs did it because the devil or the guy who found the vandalism hates j-dubs so much

he was like you know who i'm gonna frame those little spanish ladies who stand with a wet copy of the watchtower not talking to anybody in the New York subway. Get a new one, lady. Just get a... Why? Did you laminate it? So according to Mexican archaeologists, the site that was targeted was among the oldest pre-Hispanic religious temples still used by indigenous people. The site is also said to be to the Otomi Indians what Mecca is to the Muslims. And as stupid as I find the obligatory annual Kabahokey Pokey or whatever, I don't have to

think Athena popped out of Zeus's forehead to want to preserve the Acropolis. I mean, come on, this is a dick thing to do. I want to go to the real Chuck E. Cheese, where the real Chuck is. And in Fumble Yourself Before the Lord news tonight, Christian, football player and person you want around the most if you want to get rid of a football so nobody accidentally catches it, Tim Tebow, proved himself to be quite the hero this week by wishing someone sick would get better. I've heard that maple syrup also helps. Yeah. And then you go to jail. A handful of that is probably the only way you're going to catch a Tebow Pass. So according to Facebook, which is where we get our news now because we're a bad alternate America in a comic book, and Noah says I can't kill myself to escape, the former pitcher for the New England Hawk Bengals – I ran out of sports when I knew he was bad at it.

I ran out. I'm sorry. He was on a flight from Atlanta when an elderly man began having heart problems and went unconscious. So according to the Post, people from, quote, all over the world and of every ethnicity, end quote, attempted to resuscitate the man. So apparently, like, the cast of It's a Small World After All was also on the plane trying to get this guy back to life. Anyway, while other people were doing real stuff like chest compressions, running an IV, and shocking the guy with that machine that I've repeatedly been told isn't for my dick, Tim Tebow stepped in like the hero that he is and prayed with the man's family. And according to the Facebook post, that is making a stand for God.

I see. You know what, though? I really can't say shit because I'd have probably just been listening to a podcast and mumbling, I bet we're never getting to O'Hare now under my breath. Sorry, it's a rude place to have a heart attack. Nobody forced that bacon down your arteries, but me and Tim Tebow's response would have at least been

equally useful. I could comfort myself with that. Yeah, you know where they have great hospitals? JFK. Call ahead. See if they let us off the plane first. We can do it. So in spite of Tim Tebow doing nothing, this has caused a storm of media attention, inspiring headlines like, quote, Tim Tebow comes to the aid of airline passenger during an emergency

from Sports Illustrated and Tim Tebow helped passengers during in-flight medical emergency from NBC News, all while conveniently ignoring that while they were able to get the guy's pulse back, he later died at the hospital. Exactly. You see, this is the other side of that whole abortion argument that you never hear. If Tim Tebow's mom listens to her doctor, maybe this airplane guy is still alive i'm just saying no think about it heath i think i speak for many of our listeners when i say we're tired of you bringing up that tim tebow shouldn't have been aborted every week on this show we know your opinion i just wanted it to happen the one time. Anyway. Okay, so I want to be clear here.

There is nothing funny about someone dying on a plane. That's tragic. Thoughts with the family, of course. But there is a lot funny about taking credit for saving someone's life through magic wishing, and then they die anyway. So, gentlemen. Yeah, exactly. Any suggestions for alternate headlines for any news outlets that want to do follow-up coverage? Ooh, Tim Tebow falls further behind Dick Cheney at targeting guys in orange and also not killing people. How about Hail Mary from Tim Tebow has expected results?

Ooh, I like it. Tim Tebow, slightly better at saving lives than football. Steve Spurrier remains the only Heisman winner from the Florida Gators to succeed at a thing after college. And in open-faced

apology sandwich news tonight, on his way home from a trip to Armenia last week, during which he was once again unable to catch that wascally wabbit, Pope Francis told reporters that the Catholic Church should probably apologize to all those people infected with the gayness. His words, not ours. Or at least apologize to one of them. It is really weird. Apologize to one of them.

It's really weird. According to wise Mr. Jowell, quote, I think the church must not only apologize to a gay person it offended, but we must also apologize to the poor, to exploited women, and to children forced into labor. End quote. You know, basically all the stuff we've been directly and indirectly responsible for for like a thousand years. I'm the good Pope. Yeah. Plus, apologies don't cost us shit.

The important thing is that we keep doing the exact same shit we're apologizing for. Yo, I am so sorry for raping this kid right now in front of you guys. And tomorrow probably. Yeah. Anyway, back to the sodomite issue. Yeah. Anyway, back to the sodomite issue. After being asked if he agreed with Cardinal Reinhard Marx that the church owes gay people an apology for all the dehumanizing, the Pope responded by pointing out that the gay community's existence is kind compliment part by the way um beyond to that one guy someone who has this condition who has goodwill and is searching for god who are we to judge end quote you you're the guy who talks to god apparently like directly right i never wonder aloud what lies at the heart of Noah. Yeah, right.

It's intravenous puppy blood pumped in every night by a team of castrated Oompa Loompas, and you know because you asked. I wondered why their voices were so low. Well, apparently the Vatican thought this might have sounded mildly offensive, the line about the condition. So they released a statement following the Pope's remarks and clarified that the word he used for condition actually means something more like situation. Which makes it much better. Yeah.

So if you have a gay situation, like, you know, you're a man with a penis in your mouth and you're also trying to be Christian. Then the Pope's not going to judge you. You're fine. I see. It's like leap. Don't worry about accidentally getting a dick in your mouth. If you slip and fall and then decide to do your pushups for the day while your mouth is on another guy's dingo, the Pope gets it. Right, but does that mean – like I can't help but picture an Olympic judges panel of different deities watching some gay dude suck a dick and calculating start value. This is all very confusing to me.

I don't get theology. Although if somebody wanted to draw that out for me, that'd be awesome. It's a high degree of difficulty because of the ways to – all right. Ask the Russian judge to leave. All right. And perhaps the best part of this whole story, by the way, is the meltdown response we got from Catholic League President Bill Donahue. It was beautiful. Who looks like Truman Capote in a Wendy's commercial.

Wendy's new jalapeno chicken sandwich is so spicy it's turning up the heat. So during a recent appearance on CNN, Donahue was asked if he's going to apologize to the gay people, like the Pope suggested. And here's some highlights of the answer from Marla Hooch's dad. Quote, no. As a matter of fact, I want an apology from the gays. I've been assaulted by gays. What? I don't want to have that lifestyle thrusted in my face.

I just want the apology. They could send it by FedEx, end quote. And I'm sure it's in the mail. And I'm sure it's probably something like this. Dear Bill, sorry about your eye and your elbow. The gays. Oh, I only wish you had given me an address to mail my apology to.

Yeah, right. And while you picture Bill Donahue open a FedEx envelope filled with Eli's semen, we'll take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A horse would smoke. If it's a legitimate race. It is your slut, right? Cooking can be fun.

Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in misogyny. You know, I never thought I'd see the day when I was writing this segment and I thought to myself, damn, I wish people would just be honest about being assholes. And that's my theme for this week. Two dickholes in human form who want everyone with a vagina to know that they're just here to help. First up is Pastor Garrett Kell, who was none too pleased with last week's Supreme Court ruling that said it was unconstitutional to require all abortion clinics

to have at least one snipe hunt a week. In response, he made a video letting us know the one word he had for women who'd had an abortion. And if you were hoping, like me, that that one word was nunya, I'm afraid you're going to have to be disappointed because the word he had was, wait for it, Jesus. Now, don't get me wrong. When I heard that, I became damn optimistic. I mean, maybe he was talking about that sweaty guy with the musty smell who hangs out in front of the Home Depot. I can see how he'd be the cause of many an unplanned pregnancy.

But no, what the bedtime story version of Mark Anthony wanted ladies who'd made reproductive choices to know is that a dead, illiterate, schizophrenic rabbi would forgive them if they asked nice enough. And I've got to tell you, this concern trolling is the bottom of the fucking barrel of these abortion assholes. When I see these motherfuckers toting their babies kill here signs and screaming murderer, I at least have the comfort of knowing that these assholes just found the building they're allowed to do it outside of. But these videos, these, oh, you poor things, you just need forgiveness for not being the easy bake oven the Lord created you to be videos that really rev my tachometer. Fuck this motherfucker.

If he cared about women or if he even really cared about abortion, he'd take a tenth of what he spends on hair gel in a year and put it towards WIC services, contraception, and free child care. You can take your fake empathy and shove it right along with the Filipino boy servants you hire on vacation, sir. And speaking of assholes pretending to know what's best for women, our next story comes from also Texas, actually, where Sheriff Parnell McNamara announced he and his staff had arrested over 56 sex workers and johns in a recent raid and honestly

this starts out as a good story sex trafficking is one of the most heinous dangers to women in the world today and while we don't have enough episodes remaining until eli is arrested for the murder of kelly kohlberg for me to fully explore the topic these busts are usually a good thing for women involved again i know this is a longer conversation but if sex trafficked women see the right services by the right people, it can save them from what anyone this side of a taken villain would consider living hell. Unfortunately, one of those right services is not Unbound, which is where the sheriff sent them. Because based on their website, Unbound seems to be a lot more church than recovery center.

And look, I hate mixing religion and helping. It's not a you-got-chocolate-in-my-peanut- peanut butter kind of thing so much as a you took a wet shit in my peanut butter. But there are religious organizations that do it right. And if Unbound was one of them, I wouldn't be telling this story. But these motherfuckers list prayer and Jesus three times in their values page. And as far as I can tell, what they mostly do is Jesus education and outreach. Little hint about charities, if they don't have specifics about what their charity does, it's because you wouldn't give them money if they did. So while we all hope these ladies get some help from a charity that doesn't list loving Jesus as

75% of their goals for the people that they assist, I'm going to wrap up this week's segment and hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in religion of peace news tonight, I once again failed to find a story of Orthodox Jews or Mennonites mass murdering people for not believing in God right. That could be the media conspiracy. I'll admit, you know,

if Jewish Mennonites really do own all the news companies, I guess that'd make sense. But barring that, it seems like maybe, just maybe, the Muslims kill the fuck out of people over religion more often than most. Problem with Jewish Mennonites is there's no air conditioner to adjust. It's sort of, it maybe, the Muslims kill the fuck out of people over religion more often than most. Problem with Jewish Mennonites is there's no air conditioner to adjust.

It's sort of the two go against each other. So this week's case in point comes out of Earth's second worst place, Bangladesh. You're still number one, Pakistan. Where a siege at a bakery left 20 victims dead for the crime of not being able to recite a verse of the Quran. Damn, this takes, is this going to be on the quiz a whole new level, right? Yeah, right. Alif, Lam, Mim, Rab, Bif, Bam, Splat? That doesn't count?

All right. I want to say, O Jews? Okay, great. Let me get a cinnamon roll. Inappropriate. Sorry. Never mind. i'm leaving i had ordered before i got in i just wanted no i'm fine it's fine it's fine they just called

my number when you guys got in here i don't want to be that guy it looks delicious i'm leaving i'm leaving jesus christ this is all in poor taste i'm sorry the islamic state took credit for the attack and later released pictures of it online in which it says you know i gotta go straight to people being hacked to death with knives and machetes out of that jokes because you know why because muslim extremists are real earth's version of action movie bad guys anyway according to authorities hostages were asked to recite a passage of the quran and those who couldn't pass the test were brutally murdered this brings the number of cases where hostages were selected for execution based on quranic familiarity to significantly above none or infinity percent above all the other world religions combined.

We got to up our game. Start murdering people who don't know diatribes volume one. Right? To be fair, though, about a third of the victims were Japanese foreign aid workers. And as I understand it, they were Eastern imperializing the shit out of Bangladesh. Like, food, water, shelter, a bunch of shit. And in turn-your-head

360 and cough news tonight, the Washington Post Thank you. The Washington Post decided to take a break from being a news source and give publishing dangerous and insane ideas a try last week. It's nice to mix things up, like reverse cowgirl.

Yeah, yeah, in that someone's getting fucked and quite possibly shit on. Yeah, good analogy. Uh-oh, oh, apparently I've been doing that all wrong. Anyway, the article, written by Richard Gallagher, a board-certified psychologist, which, to clarify, means he sees patients without a Surgeon General's warning tattooed on his forehead, is about his very real experience with demonic possession. Yes. This doctor believes that demons from hell can control people's bodies and communicate with the living. Yeah. It's all those mmr vaccines and nazi apples you can't put that stuff in your body and expect to avoid demons check out heath's new episode of be reasonable so the article which starts out like all christians

who are about to say something stupid and crazy by listing all the not stupid, not crazy places he studied and then he totes believes in science and reason, takes a hard right turn as he describes his encounters with a satanic priestess in the 1980s and not the fun kind of encounters like Noah had. No, no. Well, to be fair,

mine were in the 90s. A lot less bush. Mine were in their teens with no bush. It's all personal preference. I appreciate you saying teens. Plausible deniability. The Ethan Wright story. 12 teen.

So, in the article, he claims that he was convinced of her being chock full of demons by her extraordinary ability to, quote, tell people their secret weaknesses such as undue pride, end quote. Not adding, and also there's no way she could know I picked the three of clubs. Yeah, right, right. How could you possibly know that I'm not living up to my potential and sometimes feel sad for the opportunities I've missed? Tell me your secrets, warlock! And look, it's fun and games to picture some goth chick just blowing this asshole's mind with cold channeling.

His career and this article actually take a pretty sinister note because in his capacity as a board-certified psychiatrist, quote, over several hundred consultations i've helped clergy from multiple denominations in faith to filter episodes of mental illness which represent the overwhelming majority of cases from literally the devil's work end quote or in layman's terms i've helped some people and told other people suffering from mental illness that they're filled with monsters. Yes, exactly. And finally tonight, from the OK Stupid question file.

OK, stupid question. Should gay people be allowed to purchase goods and services? My mind's telling me no, but my body, my body's telling me yes. Well, despite all the Christian persecution that would entail, letting gay people buy things, the answer is still yes, they should be allowed to buy things. Or at least yes to one service in particular. Apparently we're doing this one product at a time.

Today, it's online dating. According to a recent settlement in a class action suit against christianmingle.com, the company has agreed to no longer discriminate against customers who happen to be seeking a relationship with an even number of penises. Four, five, six, seven, eight. Fuck, I'm still out. I'm still out. Yeah, but this is going to make it a lot easier for christian anime monsters it's called hentai noah god that that depends on the number of dicks hentai is just japanese for pervert debate me on atheistically speaking yes so uh this was actually some good news again.

If you're a gay Christian man who enjoys long cocks on the beach, you can now officially find love at the world's largest online dating site for fellow believers. Thanks to the ruling, not only will Christian Mingle pay out about half a million dollars, mostly to cover the legal costs for the plaintiffs, but they're required to provide separate but equal accommodations for same-sex dating. Almost exact words from California law. So congrats to the gay people, I guess. You're only about 120 years behind the blacks now. So, you know, all smooth sailing from here.

Enjoy. And I think we should take a moment to point out for those of you who are going to have to fight with your Uncle Jerry about this on Facebook this week, this is a settlement and therefore is not legal precedent. But even if it were, oofra is a non-discrimination policy. This works just like the wedding cakes. If you have a product, i.e. a list of dudes to fuck, you can't refuse to sell it to me based on the fact that I want to fuck those dudes.

This is not the same as making you create a product for me, which is what your Uncle Jerry is proposing. And he says, like, now we'd have to do a scathing Christian podcast or gay bars will have to have straight nights. And look, I know this is confusing and unintuitive, but luckily, friend of the show and lawyer Andrew Torres has written a fantastic article explaining why and how this shakes out the way it does. So all I'm asking is before you tweet at me about why doesn't Grindr have to start a straight version of the app,

we read the nice lawyer's blog. Then we tweet at him or Heath, who we'll see at some time next year. Okay, so this should be fun. next year okay so uh this should be fun um get the kim davis of computer science probably panicked about getting forced to write gay algorithms for matching on this thing they're written in python one guy one guy one guy movie on rails okay the one guy is booing now anyway yeah kim davis of advertising is probably gonna need some help with this too now that she's forced to come up with gay names and slogans for the new service and uh just in case she locks herself in a jail cell instead let's go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock we'll do it for her anyway marketing ideas for the sodomite branch of

christianmingle.com go Go. All right, all right. How about God Dates Fags? Because Christians are willing to take your rights and your money. Hinder heartfelt connections. Sodomy Harmony. I Obridge Fell in Love. Obridge Fell. PlentyofSwish.com.

Get Gamora what you love. Go Gay Cupid. Find that safe-sacred selection. What about christianmingle.com slash sodomitecute? We'll never forget our first Leviticus. Oh, I got one. How about christianmingle.com slash slash, putting the colon back in HTTP colon. Humble, where the bottom has to message first I like it Ashley

Madison Square Garden some ash play cheat your ash off well done sir don't ash don't tell and since New York landmark based butt fucking jokes Are basically the operatic fat lady of the headline segment I guess we can wrap it up there Heath, Eli, thanks as always Gay twister

And when we come back The Quran will be here to suck Order, order Court is now in session. Counselor, you may begin. Your Honor, my client took a job working at Kleenex under the impression that he would be aiding in soothing America's sniffles. It was only after his first day that he was informed

that people also use this wholesome product for masturbation. Now, my client is not a smart man or an educated man, but he's not sure if cum is a baby. He must be allowed to abstain from all work on any tissues that could be used for masturbation. Okay, that's not even a little bit reasonable. Your Honor, if I may, this pertains to my case as well. You see, my client was hired as an auto mechanic.

He was told the cars he serviced would be used to bring wholesome goods to folks all across this country of ours. Only after he was hired did he learn to his horror that the products, the trucks he repaired, might also include the aforementioned Kleenex, which might be used for the aforementioned masturbation. His civil liberties are at stake! Okay, that one was even more bizarre than the first. None of this is

how legal stuff works. Okay, I'm sorry, Your Honor, but may I butt in again because this applies to my client as well, namely myself. It occurs to me that if I lose this trial, my client will be forced to fix the trucks that carry the tissues that swallowed the fly. I don't know why she swallowed the fly. Perhaps she'll die.

This is all fucking insane. What are you people talking about? Yeah, Riffra's pretty fucking stupid. Single Christians. And fags. Good news. Christianmingle.com has over 13 million registered members. And now some of them are fags.

Nearly 4 million new members in the past year alone. And we'll probably get like 4 fags now. You happy? Every day, members send more than 200,000 messages. I sent one of those messages and met my beautiful wife. Probably because some fucking lesbo didn't get to her first, but whatever. They can now, so... That's good news.

Join today and find God's match for you. Or another dude to rub butts with, or whatever they do. I don't know, it's gross. It's gross. Joining is easy and free. Join ChristianMingle.com today. And I guess you can do it if you're a fag now too. Gross. Did I? Gross. We need to build a firewall. Quran Media

If you know just a little about the Quran, you might be worried about us. After all, we started breaking this book down in January, and here it is July, we've only made it through 18 of the 114 surahs. A quick bit of math would suggest that at this rate, we won't be done until March of 2019, but fear not, for the surahs get shorter as we go, and we did in fact pass the halfway mark at the end of the last reading. So as bad as this week's selection was, it felt really good having more Quran in my left hand than in my right. Yeah, and I enjoyed getting halfway done with

using the Tor browser for this segment so I can still fly on airplanes. And that's the only reason I know about the Tor browser. Moving on. Me too, me too. And of course, masochism is always more fun when you're doing it to somebody else. So joining us for yet another Holy Book breakdown is my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back. You know, this probably counts as spousal abuse. I'm just putting that out there for you. Well, then I'm fulfilling my Quranic obligation. So we had five surahs to knock out this week,

although if you told me it was the same one five times, I'd be hard-pressed to argue. But just to be thorough, we're going to take him to order starting with Surah 19, Mary. All right, so we're going to open this one with God agreeing to make Zachariah's old-ass wife squirt out a man-child. And God says yes, but immediately Zachariah's having second thoughts. He's like, oh, did not think you were going to answer so quickly, or I'd have been praying for J-Lo's ass full of J-Lo shots. So explain to me how this works with my wife's antique vagina. Right.

God's like, well, Zachariah, you ever see a scene in a movie where a guy blows on a very old book? It's going to be like that. Cannonball hitting a daffodil. Anyway, so John is born. He's nice to his parents. And then we're on to God's baby's mama Right, and the angel Gabriel shows up

And tells her she's pregnant And Mary says, yeah, I'm pretty sure I never had sex So it's impossible And Gabriel says, you go to sleep sometimes, right? Have you seen Loving the Bad Man? But in Muhammad's version Jesus preaches even when he's just a little baby though and i have to say not a big fan of all the you know sexism and murder endorsement here in this book but that's

fucking adorable little baby itty bitty jesus delivering the sermon of the mount come on that's adorable take this animal cracker. It is my baby. See, adorable. I'm essentially picturing more like, you know, baby Herman with a cigar. Just like, hey, blessed are the meek, blessed are the poor. Stop being Jewish. But, of course, we brought up Jesus, so the book has to remind us in no uncertain terms that Jesus was not God's son. Mom may have been a virgin, but God was not the father. Yeah, and this

is important, actually. God is omnipotent, apparently, and I guess his resurrections often last more than four hours. Well, sometimes 2,000 years, and nobody comes, so yeah, it's a big problem. Eventually, though. I know the feeling. I know the feeling. My jaw's tired. All right, tap, tap. You're good. So, yeah. It's a big problem. Eventually, though. I know the feeling. I know the feeling.

My jaw's tired. All right. Tap, tap. You're good. Tap, tap. It's fine. And then he makes it very clear that the Christians are going to hell. And, of course, everyone's uncle who's ever Pascal wagered over the potatoes at Thanksgiving will read that and instantly turn Muslim.

Of course. Right? Better safe than sorry. Come on, Uncle Jerry. Is the argument working? Come on. This is why I got to pretend I work in radio. Dying words.

Christian. No. Jewish. No. Muslim. I'm gonna spin. I'm gonna spin. No whammies, no whammies, no whammies. Stop! Buddhism. Shit. And we actually close out on a reminder that when Muslims kill people, they stay dead. I'm not really sure

why they felt like they had to point that out. Maybe with the jews about jesus or something i don't know anyway and then mary is over and and that brings us to surah 20 taha and what does taha mean in arabic nothing it translates to taha because this book is so filled with shit we've already covered they had to name it after the magic letters at the beginning. And I would like to point out that this is our eighth instance of magic letters with no meaning. I can't mispronounce Chimera, but the second largest religion in the world

has a book with made-up words in it. It's fine. Muhammad didn't have Twitter. I get it. And if you're hoping for anything new in this one, he quashes that early basically you get 8 verses of how about that God huh

and then he literally says did I ever tell y'all about Moses it felt like the beginning of like a Muslim fast food training video Muhammad just walks past the camera and then he backs back up oh hello didn't see you there have you heard about Moses

yeah you made me watch a 4 hour video about him just now And then he backs back up. Oh, hello. Didn't see you there. Have you heard about the Qajar? Yeah, you made me watch a four-hour video about him. Just now. Just now. Congratulations on your new job as a Muslim. The winning team. Well, and he's cramming all the Moses shit into this book in such a hurry, you'd think the Quran didn't get picked up for another season or something. Yeah, right.

He's like, hurry, hurry. If we ever get a time machine and go back and find that Muhammad was a literal parrot, I will be 0% surprised. That's molting over here. So then Allah sends Moses to see Pharaoh because he's transgressed all bounds and all. But in verse 44, God's all like, but, you know, don't be a dick about it. You know, just go in there. Be cool.

Say, hey, man, you know, how about letting my people go like a sport? Am I right? Yeah, bring me up casually. Like, say we were having lunch and then tell me how he reacts. Like, does he... Tell me where he looks. Does he look right at you? Speaking of literally anything, I was hanging out with God of the Universe the other day.

It's so funny. We were playing M.A.S.H mash and it was you and God in a mansion with four kids and a camel. What? So weird, right? Yes? No? Maybe? Circle. Do you guys both have Facebook? So Moses dances.

The Pharaoh's magician danced back and then they set up a time to race down that hill and see once and for all who's the best skier on the mountain. But Eli, admit it though. When you read in verse 69 where it says, quote, a magician shall never thrive, end quote, you had a maybe it is prophetic moment, right? You had like a, oh, fuck it, no. I mean, yeah, bar mitzvahs pay great.

But how many rich Jews are really turning 13 in any calendar year? It's true. It's true. It's true. I mean, I don't want to be raising here, but like if it also means a magician can never be happy, that's a minority report right there. Not the yarmulke, but they got like the slightly larger yarmulke. You know, the one cab drivers wear. I feel like bar mitzvahs should do the same thing with magic as they do with dancing. You know, you hire a bunch of black people to have amazing reactions and make it look fun for everybody

and asshole teenagers except it would be very obvious that those black people did not know anyone at the bar mitzvah that's a bad plan stand your ground Morty stand your ground oh god oh god

I want you to know that I voted for Bernie Sanders and he didn't work with you people, right? You're a big fan of him. Huh? Oh, shit. Look whose lives matter over here. So, yeah. So yeah I will do our 60 minute show Of just a cool Jewish couple Trying to impress the black Backup magic dancers

That they've been fired by Oh shit Yeah good luck getting back on track there Lucinda So yeah All the non-tabernacle Dimension parts of Exodus And then 30 verses

of how badass Allah is going to be and how bad hell is going to suck. Right. I love in verse 114 where it tells us not to be, quote, impatient with the Quran before the revelation is complete,

end quote. It's almost like it's saying, I promise to be good eventually. Right. Yeah. Allah's that friend that assures you if you watch it all,

lost won't suck, and it does. It does still suck. Lost and the Koran. Not sure which more. By the way, have we done a single Koranomaniac segment without him telling the story of Satan not bowing to Adam? Oh, God. Even one.

I think that might be as consistent a part of this bit as the guys arguing Arabic in the intro. Right? Yeah. bit as the guys argue in Arabic in the intro. Right. Yeah. Muhammad's pretty much exactly that drunk dad trying to hang at the beer pong table during parents weekend at college and he's having a lot of trouble.

Now he's telling the same story for the 19th fucking time. Four touchdowns in one game. Four of them. Four of them. I'm fine. Who's next? I'll give you 19. I'm close to 19. In dog ears. Now my kid's here. I should close to 19. In dog years. Woo woo!

Now my kid's here. I should drive him. I should drive home. He's pretending not to know me. I see you, Daniel. I see you. Best years of your life are ahead of you. And speaking of drunken rambling, we've still got three more of these to knock out.

So with Taha and the books, we can turn to Surah 21, The Prophets. And apparently this whole chapter is about how full of shit this book isn't but I think in verse 17 that's the first time the book felt the need to assure us that Allah does not consider this godding thing to be a hobby this is his full time job and that's good

to know yeah commitment is important yeah what the fuck is this supposed to mean I mean are there gods that the fuck is this supposed to mean i mean are there gods that just aren't in it to win i guess the only original thing about this book is that it constantly answers the burning questions i never had or could possibly have i do want to see that like hobbyist god though like rest of them are all serious and angry at like a god convention he just walks in hey check out this universe i've been working on i uh wrote a few chords to go with it it's like that's all i got so far but you want to buy some pot no i'm also an uber

driver that's my card andy wilson of deities get to it when he gets to it. Andy Wilson sells pot. That's the rumor I want to start. That's what I want someone to take away from that joke. Oh good, that's it. That answers so many QED questions for me. So, then in verse 30 we get a little more awesome scientific foreknowledge for you. In verse 30 it says that God

made all living things out of water, so from a scientific standpoint, the fact that we're solid at room temperature disproves this book. Yeah. Also, carbon, nitrogen, phosphorus, and sulfur. Yeah, pretty much all of them. Maybe God forgot about those. He's not a magic...

Wait. Okay. And basically this chapter's whole argument is, I mean, fucking trees, am I right and maybe it's just me and the fact that i was reading this at like four in the morning but this section seemed really beggy to me like come on trees trees guys okay just watch me jerk off you don't even have to touch it you don't even have to touch it i don't want to make you uncomfortable just work my arm i'm a good guy and do you guys remember two chapters ago when we talked about Abraham at length?

Well, Muhammad has underestimated your memory again, Ben, because we're going to talk about him again right now. Yes. If you don't mind. Do you remember, though, all that stuff Eli said three, six, nine, and 12 weeks ago? So funny. So funny. So funny. You can also add ibid, if you know what I mean. Ibid.

Call back. Nailed it. I love it. The Quranic version of a podcast. And then it's just Old Testament's greatest hits from there on out. Yeah. Old Old Testament. And I have so many sentences in a row that start with, and remember so and so?

It's like talking to one of your old relatives. I just keep waiting for Muhammad to tell me how he knew me when I was this tall. And then he gets corrected by his wife from the other room. No, you knew him when he was that tall. Remember? We didn't visit for two years because his mom was dating a colored fellow, if I remember correctly. It always ends up racist. It always does.

Who knows? That could still come out. There's still plenty of time left with two suras still to go tonight. So that's going to bring us to 22, The Pilgrimage. So we start off with this awesome description of the apocalypse where all the pregnant women miscarry and everybody gets drunk. Pretty awesome. So, college. I mean, I'm using miscarry.

Jersey Shore? Planned Parenthood? Vegas Elevator? Can we combine the two apocalypses? The apocalypse where you all shit yourself and the apocalypse where all the women miscarry and get drunk at the same time? I mean, it's not a clean night, but it's a fun night. You know what I'm saying?

Let us get our laughs in quick before all the bad shit starts. Then we get another awesome Quranic lesson on embryology. It says, as proof of the end times, mind you, that Allah created us from dust, then sperm, then clotted blood, then a lump of flesh. So just to be thorough, I jacked off on a dirty, severed earlobe, but no humans were created. So I'm pretty sure this is bullshit. That's just nasty. Okay, but can I have my earlobe back now? I'll have to do the experiments over.

Well, hold on. I'm still using it, doing some peer review on it. I'm still... So then there's this weird bit in verse 15 where it dares us to build a space elevator. I don't know. Here's the quote. It's not clear at all. Anyone who thinks that God will not help him in the world and the hereafter, let him stretch

a rope up to the sky, then let him cut it off and see if his plan can help to remove the cause of his anger. End quote. Okay. So here's the thing. This is actually a reference to a real thing. There's an old, like, urban legend magic trick that's around since ancient times called the Indian Rope Trick. And it's a fakir hoax from way back. And basically, the trick is the magician charms a rope in the sky and then sends his assistant up, and then the assistant disappears. And then the assistant disappears. And while the history of the trick is actually very interesting, what's important for us to recognize is that this is Mo's version of, oh, yeah, well, if God's not real, then how come David Blaine can float like that?

Right. Okay. Well, wow. Yeah. The Saudi version is way different. It just says atheists should hang themselves. That's what it said in my copy. All righty copy. Ready? Quote, whoever thinks Allah will not help him, let him stretch out a rope to the ceiling

and let him strangle himself. Oh, wow. Then let him see whether his plan will remove that whereat he rages. End quote. Wow. And that's not funny. I feel like we should dox this Mohammed guy. That's a fucked up magic trick, dude.

As someone who's hung a rope from the ceiling and choked themselves many times, I've seen a lot of bright colors, but never the Muslim God. So, you know, challenge accepted. Buddy system. Then we get another one of those parts where you can just hear Muhammad rage-jerking it to his own hell description. He's talking about us. He's talking about people who don't worship God and he says quote those who deny the truth will have garments of fire cut for them and boiling water will be poured over their heads anything in their stomachs as well as their skins will be melted by it there will be maces of iron for them and on and on like that for for an entire holy book actually yeah okay but this passage

brings up several follow-up questions one who is the fire tailor like what's the cut on that do they fit perfectly are they too small like inquiring minds want to know also everything in their stomachs as well as their skins will melt yeah right someone's gonna be fine with having their skin melted off but knowing that mac and cheese they had for dinner is going with them will just be yeah i feel like muhammad's really overthinking the uh fire torture scenarios he's coming up with last time it was a fire cubicle that had uh waiter service yeah now it's a fitted fire suit and then the fire suit goes away immediately so it's useless because the water getting poured on you which then melts your skin but also microwaves your

stomach until it's empty somehow what the fuck is happening it just it seems like the scribe was just bringing up nonsense objections to fuck with muhammad like what if the jews wear ice pajamas fuck fine it's a slim cut fire suit there wouldn't be any god damn it then we finally get to the pilgrimage stuff in verse 27 and we're done with it in verse 29 yes that's what the chapter is titled after it basically has two sentences about the hajj and it really just says hey you guys should come walk around my cube. So like virtually all the other surahs, this one is about nothing. It's just Mohammed bitching about associating partners with God, listening to the cast of the Old Testament,

and saying mean shit about Jews again. Yeah, and I got to admit, you really hope for more than two sentences to be the cause of massive trampling deaths every year. It's like finding out Hitler was motivated by his ex in Poland, texting him, let's totally get coffee next time you're in town. You want to?

Right now! He also talks shit about how all the other gods put together couldn't steal from a fly, but Allah could. Not sure exactly what valuables you'd want to steal from a fly, but there you go. Yeah. He can do it.

Yeah. And with that vital nugget of information holstered, we can move on to our last surah for the night, the believers. And right away in this one, it gives you permission to jack off. And that almost ruined it for me. Almost. It says, blessed are the people who pray and give me money and avoid frivolous shit. But then in verse 5, it adds to the list of the blessed, quote, those who safeguard their chastity except with their wives and what their right hands possess. For then they are free from blame.

I see. End quote. How hilariously quaint and whitewashed. What the verse actually says is, and the slaves that their right hand possesses. So it looks like your translator was smoothing down a few edges there. Yeah, much nice. And this is a you can fuck your slaves thing, right? Because

my version talks about controlling your appetites, right? And except for your wives and your slaves, as long as you're not a Southpaw, whatever. I'm saying it sounds slavefucky and I know slavefuckers. I'm saying it sounds slave fucky. And I know slave fucky. I think what they're saying is it's kind of like a Jamaican pot dealer. You know, you can rape as many slaves and wives as you want.

As long as you can grab them all at once in your right hand. Like as many as you can. So at least five if you do it like, you know, bowling balls kind of. Girls, lie down. down this is you're all not participating we got it better you got to fan it you got to fan it okay everyone line up in order of height and then we get more embryology and this is the key phrase that muslim apologists point to to cite for knowledge because it actually gives a more or less accurate description of the stages of fetal development. More or less than more.

But I mean, it implies that at one point you're just skeleton and that's wrong, but it kind of gets some of the stuff right. So Muslims scream and shout about how prophetic it is. Well, yeah, and it's probably worth reminding everybody that animals miscarry. People miscarry. Probably worth reminding everybody that animals miscarry. People miscarry. Back in Muhammad's day, the average person was going to encounter a partially developed fetus now and again, or at least hear what they look like. You would have to think Muhammad was profoundly stupid to think that he wouldn't be vaguely familiar with how an embryo developed, and he certainly wouldn't need an ultrasound machine or divine guidance for this. Right.

Yeah, I filed this section much more under things you can learn from murdering a series of pregnant women than I did under prophetic. Fun fact, other thing you can learn from murdering a series of pregnant women, they look hilarious when they run. Oh, shit. You gotta picture it.

At Heath Ren and Henry. He just let me make that joke. Get him. It's a great visual, though. You ever really need to take a shit and then you try to run? It's like that, but with preemies and shit instead of just shit. And more fear. Yeah.

At DissonancePod. Dissonance underscore pod. You got it. And then, and I shit you not, he us about noah and moses again not news stories about him mind you the shit from genesis again yeah and then it's just 92 verses of how awesome god is and how bad hell sucks yeah it's literally just the same information packaged in the same way often with the same words yeah It's like arguing with a guy on mushrooms. Seriously.

Yeah, man, time is a flat circle, but if you don't leave so I can fuck this girl with a nose ring, I'm going to ask you if your teeth hurt and ruin your night. Those photons bother you? Fuck, they do. Really do. Is it itchy in here? And on that note, we're going to earn a three-week furlough from the Quran,

so Quranomaniacs will be back in episode 180, and between now and then, I guess, we'll just have to remind each other about that time that Satan refused to bow to Adam. Before we drop the anchor tonight, I wanted to thank whichever enterprising listener it was that created the My Shit Weighs More Than Your Bible meme featuring Eli holding an enormous turd. Of all the times I've seen a giant turd in Eli's hands, this was by far the least disturbing. So thanks for that.

If you haven't seen the meme to which I refer, by the way, check out our Facebook page. Always stoked to publish fan art there. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 8 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday. Rumor has it that we made a filmmaker cry with the last episode, and we're tackling a sequel next week, so be sure to tune in for that.

Obviously, my job isn't done here until I thank the man who puts the heat back in Heath, the woman who puts the sin back in Lucinda, and the man who puts the eel back in Eli. I also want to thank Oslo PSU for setting Australians back a couple generations with this week's Farnsworth quote, and he's asked in return only that I remind our audience to check out the Montgomery Humanists on Facebook. They're still trying to raise money to keep an anti-abortion group

from buying the house next to Montgomery's only abortion clinic and turning it into a fuck-woman's rights house. So if you'd like to chip in, check out the show notes for this episode for links to their Facebook page and their fundraiser. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's rights house. So if you'd like to chip in, check out the show notes for this episode for links to their Facebook page and their fundraiser. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's best people. Crystal, Theodosius, Stephen, David, Marcel, Timothy, Alan, Joseph, Kyle,

Matthew, Andrew, Jonathan, Morpi, Lucas, William, Jason, Aja, and Luke. Crystal, Theodosius, Stephen, David, Marcel, and Timothy, whose IQs have more zeros than my high school reunion. Alan, Joseph, Kyle, Matthew, Andrew, and Jonathan,

whose dicks are so long, Junos may not have been the only Jovian insertion this week. And Morpi, Lucas, Matthew, Andrew, and Jonathan, whose dicks are so long Junos may not have been the only Jovian insertion this week. And Morpi, Lucas, William, Jason, Aja, and Luke, who are so sexy, mirrors whisper their names three times in hopes they'll show up. Together, these 18 amiable atheists aided in our aim to alienate the aging agents of Abraham this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the raw complementability it takes to give us money, but if your intellect

and or junk are up for the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended edition of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly.

And yes, I did have my permission. Thanks for the edit.