The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 183: Lame Duck Edition

Episode Date: August 18, 2016

In this week’s episode, New Jersey legally mandates lesbians to give the pole a chance, my wish for The Daily Beast editing team to have a Zika outbreak becomes a lot more defensible, and the creator of the vast universe will weigh in on where Muhammad is allowed to put his dick. Click Here to make a per episode donation at Patreon.com Click Here to buy our book. Click Here to check out The Skepticrat. Click Here to check out God Awful Movies. Headlines: Daily Beast writer is a complete prick: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2016/08/daily-beast-targets-gay-olympic-athletes-for-harassment/ Lesbians have to have straight sex before they can get IFV http://www.rawstory.com/2016/08/nj-lesbians-must-first-have-sex-with-men-before-receiving-insured-fertility-treatment/ Woman dies after “prophet” puts heavy speaker on her to demonstrate a miracle: https://www.ghanastar.com/africa-news/woman-dies-after-prophet-puts-heavy-speaker-on-her-body-to-demonstrate-a-miracle/ Christian workbook teaches why god allowed little boy to be molested http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/08/11/disturbing-lesson-from-christian-workbook-discusses-why-god-allowed-a-little-boy-to-be-molested/ Swedes are gonna drone ebibles into muslim countries http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/08/10/a-swedish-church-will-use-drones-to-drop-e-bibles-in-regions-controlled-by-the-islamic-state/ Phil Robertson “considers” run for president: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2016/08/duck-dynasty-star-considers-run-for-president-to-fight-secularism/  <> http://www.rightwingwatch.org/content/phil-robertson-threatens-run-president This Week in Misogyny: Guy rapes girl gets community service http://www.rawstory.com/2016/08/austin-wilkersons-victim-speaks-out-im-afraid-of-acquaintances-after-he-raped-me/ Christian website posts an article about how to handle your daughter dating a black guy http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/08/09/christian-website-offers-advice-on-how-to-handle-a-black-man-marrying-into-your-white-family/ Marco Rubio is against abortion for pregnant women with Zika. Guess why. http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2016/08/rubio-no-abortion-for-zika-infected-women-because-jesus/ This podcast is a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm, LLC. (C) 2016, all rights reserved.

Warning, the following podcast contains explicit language acting as a modifier for other explicit language. Pascal wagering on different deities over which you have no control? Well, we've got a site that's happy to take your money seven days a week. Draft King of Kings. Industry leaders in DFS catology. Legal disclaimer, nobody's ever won yet. But past results do not guarantee future profits. Profits.

And now, the scathing atheist. Hi, this is Anna, here to tell you that Noah is low on Farnsworth quotes again. And now, the scathing atheist. quote is easy. Anybody can do it. All you have to do is press record and say, hi, this is Anna here to tell you that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey man. It's Thursday. It's August 18th. And if anyone's looking for a giant wooden toilet, I know a guy who's motivated to sell. No illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Ethan Wright. And from New York, New York. And Secret Lair, Pennsylvania.

This is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode. New Jersey legally mandates lesbians to give the poll a chance. My wish for the Daily Beast editing team to have a Zika outbreak becomes a lot more defensible. And the creator of the vast universe will weigh in on where Muhammad is allowed to put his dick. But first, the diatribe. I know this doesn't really come across in the stuff I say on this show, but the majority of my friends are religious. You know, at least the majority of my in-person friends. I mean, I'm American. I grew up in the Deep South. The vast majority of people I've met in my life are

religious. And I've had a few friends that suddenly got way busier when they learned I was an atheist, or worse yet, a registered Democrat, but most of the time the subject of religion doesn't come up, so it's not like it's typically a barrier to friendship. And I guess many of you can probably sympathize with being the, like, the token atheist friend. That's me. I am the one person they know that's an atheist. Or more accurately, I'm the one person they know that's identified themselves as an atheist at some point so i get all the weird but then who do you pray to questions all the fucking time i have friends honestly ask me why i don't rape and murder people often so this came up again a couple of weeks ago buddy of mine since college still finds it amazing that i don't believe that there's a god you know i love the asshole but he honestly seems to think that i'm lying

so he's constantly trying to trip me up. You know, he says shit like, okay, but who do you think when something good happens for you? And he's not asking me because he wants to know. He actually thinks I'm going to say, well, God, of course. And then he's going to go like, gotcha, gotcha. So shortly after we settle into the new place, I call him up to give him my new address. And we wind up in another one of these, well, if you're an atheist, then who died for your sins conversations. And his puzzler this time around was, well well what do you think happens when you die now this is a

tough question to answer but only because religious people think you're just fucking with them when you answer it you stop being alive but you're not because that's the unabridged fucking answer and expecting more than that kind of assumes the premise that we all started off knowing that you rejected right so i tell him that in those words. He says, what do you think happens when we die? I say, we stop being alive. He laughs a bit and then he adds, no, seriously. So I have to walk him through this very simple premise a half dozen ways before he finally starts to understand that I'm suggesting that mortality is a thing. So he further clarifies this by asking what he probably assumed was another gotcha question. He says, so you think when your mother dies, you're never going to see her again?

Now, I just want to point out that Christian debaters are always way too quick to theoretically kill off my mom. This has nothing to do with the larger point I'm making, but I find it really weird and at least a little creepy. Not sure why my mom is always their go-to dead person, but she is. Anyway, so I further spell out how dying works by affirming that, yes, with the exception of a possible viewing at the funeral, I don't think I'm going to see my mom after she's done being alive. And he just stops for a long minute to take it in. And while he's doing that, I'm wondering what the fuck he thought atheists meant for the last decade and a half that I've known the dude.

And finally, after an uncomfortably long break, he says, well, then how do you handle it when people die then? Again, this is a question I encounter all the time. Now, this one actually usually comes from people who are new to atheism, but I feel that quite often. So I tell him, you know, I get really sad. And then as time goes on, I'm less and less sad, less and less often. But I never quite stop being sad altogether. And that answer fucks him all up because that's the same thing he does i mean it's amazing how many religious people seem to miss the fact that they too get sad when people die you know despite religion's

constant claims to the contrary they're no better equipped to handle mortality than those of us who aren't looking forward to an afterlife all they got is a codified set of please and thank you type responses that obviate the obligation to find sympathetic words in the moment. You know, it's like two guys plummeting to their deaths next to each other. And one of them turns and says, bet you wish you had one of these invisible parachutes like mine, huh? You seem to be falling really fast. You know, so after a painful like looking at the clock twice in the same minute type of back and forth, he finally grasps the extent of my answer. And I can tell that even after he gets it, he wants to challenge it. You know, not whether it's a fact or not, mind you, but whether or not

I believe it. Now, a lot of you probably can't sympathize with this much because a lot of you aren't open about your atheism and some of you don't have to deal with this shit. You know, I'm not trying to be judgy about that or whatever. I understand that a lot of you aren't in a position where that's really an option. But I bring this up because I'm sure a lot of people are listening along and thinking, man, Noah, you've got some stupid friends. And I do. I'll certainly admit that. But this guy isn't one of them. He's a really smart dude, and that's exactly why he keeps asking so many stupid questions. See, for religious people, smart religious people anyway, nothing threatens their faith more than a person like me. You know, in my experience,

smart people most often cling to their faith because they think that they need it. They think that they couldn't handle the thought of finality without it, or they think that they, you know, they need it to keep their marriage on track, or it's the only thing that got them through their addiction or their depression or whatever. And here they see me, you know, a guy who's been in a happy marriage for a couple of decades, a guy who's generally enjoying his life, a guy who doesn't seem to be rife with morally reprehensible habits that are catching up to him, a guy who seems to be getting through life just fine without religion. Now, the only way they know of to dismiss this not in their logic is to either demonize atheists or pretend they don't exist. Now, I've known this guy way too long for him to demonize me, so he convinces himself that I don't exist, or more

accurately, that my atheism doesn't exist. That's the only option he has left. And that's why I sit patiently through all these inane rephrasings of the same stupid question. Because if he sees me flying around long enough just by flapping my ears, at some point he can't help but realize that there was never any magic in that feather. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Butch and Sundance of blasphemy heath enright and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to face down a hailstorm of bullshit uh well okay but if we're

doing bronze showers again i want to be the kid this time seriously that's fair that's fine think how ironic this will be if i actually die hilarious That would be hilarious. In our lead story tonight, a click-whoring reporter from the Daily Beast recently put the lives of numerous Olympic athletes in danger by releasing an article

about the gay hookup scene among the competitors in Rio. Because that's important journalism, apparently. Yet another dangerous news item out of the Olympics about cupping. So, in particular, this asshole set up a fake account on Grindr and tricked people into meeting with him, after which he published a bunch of their personal details. Now, just for the record, the story has since been taken down, but that's pretty much irrelevant

because that's not how the internet works. Also not how editing departments are supposed to work. Right. Was there nobody? Ah, the Olympics, the peak of human sport. What should we cover about this great event? How about that some of them pull wee-wee where doo-doo goes? Great.

Love it. Edward R. Murrow would be proud. And remember, we are not descended from careful men one guy one guy's loving that shit right now yeah so this is actually pretty depressing stuff um in case this part wasn't obvious some of these olympic athletes live in countries where gay sex is legally punishable by execution right or even more likely at the very least they live in countries where gay sex is legally punishable by execution. Right. Or even more likely, at the very least,

they live in a place with a bunch of homophobic assholes around, which is bad enough already, regardless of state-sponsored murdering. He might as well have gone on J-Date and outed a bunch of German athletes as Jewish at the Berlin Games in 1936. Obviously not the same, but you get the idea. Yeah, it's totally different, because in 1936, we didn't know but you get the idea yeah it's totally different because in 1936 we didn't know the germans were going to kill him so what he did was a little worse but i feel like the analogy still holds but it does give you pause like yes this person is a miserable piece of shit but one of the things most of the people who wrote about this asshole failed to reflect on

is the countries with the anti-gay laws. Like, look, man, Saudi's going to sell, but don't tell. Don't be a dick. He's the second level bad guy in this story, for sure. Now, I would hate for this reporter to become the target of online ridicule and shitloads of hate mail. So let's just call him Sch uh schmister nico heinz well schmister heinz a married heterosexual man doesn't consider this to be an ethical dilemma at all huh yeah in fact he made that exact argument in the article itself um much like

all those other perfectly ethical articles in which the author explains why the next paragraph isn't evil and uh here's why this is okay by the way and uh here's what he had to say quote for the record i didn't lie to anyone or pretend to be someone i wasn't unless you count being on grinder in the first place end quote but here's the thing we do count that we do that's what those words mean to be clear had anyone asked what i was doing in the bank vault i would have been perfectly clear that the money i was taking wasn't mine fuck this guy just want to sincerely express i hope none of the olympic athletes kick the shit out of this guy i hope that doesn't happen i don't want that especially the oiled up guy from Tonga. He should not taekwondo kick this guy in the balls for the closing ceremony.

That should not be the entire. Endorse that at all. Exactly. Exactly. Andrew said I could say that. Andrew said. And in better safe than sorry news tonight. Four gay women have filed civil lawsuits this week in New Jersey,

and it's not because of Chris Christie's probing questions and text messages. You gonna eat that? Sad face. That wasn't a dick pic. That was Vienna sausage and cottage cheese. Oh, God. I just really like those.

It was a foodie pic. I feel like Vienna sausage, cottage cheese, Chris Christie's dick are the gold dress, blue dress of 2016. You know what I'm saying? just really like those it was a food i feel like vienna sausage cottage cheese chris christie's dick are the gold dress blue dress 2016 you know what i'm saying no the women are all in the process of trying to have a baby and all of them are in need of insurance coverage for in vitro fertilization however according to new jersey law they are only allowed the procedure after one to two years of unprotected heterosexual sex. Yeah. What are you doing for dick is a standard question on New Jersey insurance forms.

And you know what? And let's be fair. If you'd come across that on a true false quiz yesterday, you'd probably have guessed as much. What if I masturbate with a test tube of semen for two years? No, no, sorry, that doesn't count. Heath is asking for a friend. I'm the friend. And look, there is no reason why someone would put this law into place in the first place

other than to disqualify gay couples. They worried that someone would want to skip the sex and get straight to the medically invasive hormone treatments. Just like, no, no, no, you got to check. Well, keep in mind that these are women faced with the prospect of fucking guys from Jersey. So I don't know that that question is as rhetorical as you were hoping for. That's valid.

I was gay for a year in college, so I didn't have to fuck a girl from Long Island. Well, yeah, right, right. Well, here's the thing. If any ladies out there want some help with this, I never go to the gym. I have no tan. I'm pretty much translucent, and I pretty much never do laundry. It's all dirty all the time.

I'm exotic. We said we weren't reading Heath's OK Cupid profile. Why do we have the writers meetings? Why do we have them? We did say that. Still single. What the fuck? What's worse, in response to the suit that poses that this obviously discriminates against

gay people, Horizon Blue Cross Blue Shield is actually sticking to their guns saying, quote, I did not make this up. We interpret the 2001 New Jersey law defining infertility in a gender and orientation neutral manner. And our coverage standard complies with federal non-discrimination requirements. End quote. Not adding,

gay people are more than welcome to use Christian Mingle. You just got to be looking for straight sex. I debate for a living. Just for you, Andrew. Just for you. However, for those New Jersey health insurance companies that are still confused,

we figured we'd propose a counter-scenario to help you relate. Help you relate. Help you relate. Hi, Mr. Bottolato, Commissioner of the New Jersey Department of Banking and Insurance. Yeah, that's me. Okay, great. I'm Dr. Smith.

So, I see on your chart here that your baby penis is actually unable to penetrate your wife and therefore you're in need of in vitro fertilization to start a family is that yeah all right yeah sure i mean that's that's possible we also think it might be that her vagina is too deep so like yeah it's not it's not anyway just wanted to go over a couple of standard state rules here to make sure everything is in place. Are you and your wife both in good health? I'm told I look like ham in a suit. Yeah, yeah, I see that. Great.

And did you try having gay sex for at least a year? I'm sorry, what? Oh, yeah, according to a new law, like, overpopulation is a big problem, so before we can insure you to get IVF, we just have to make sure you're not gay, so you're going to need to have a year of gay sex and definitely not like it, and then we'll get you all set up.

Okay, but I'm not gay, though, so... Right, right, right. So you did have a year of gay sex and didn't like it. Wonderful, so that's perfect. No, no, no, no, I'm not gay though. Right, right, right. So you did have a year of gay sex and didn't like it. Wonderful. So that's perfect. No, no, no, no. I'm not going to do that.

I'm just not gay. You can't make me be gay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Nobody's making anybody do anything. This is a totally fair rule. Everybody has to try gay sex. Totally equal. It's a law oh well do i do i get to be on

top no no you do not and in the worst use of speakers since mumford and son's news tonight south african pastor lethebo rebelango reportedly murdered someone with stupidity last week after offering to demonstrate his magical jesus powers by performing an amazing feat of pain tolerance on someone else first rule of magic always saw someone else in hand now according to a report from ganastar.com rebelango chose a young woman from the audience and asked her to lie down on the floor while two ushers carried a heavy speaker over and placed it on her stomach. That's actually how I masturbate. Is that dangerous? I like the buzzing.

We are not welcome back at the People's Improv Theater. One of many reasons. Now, despite the pastor's assurance that the weight would not cause her any pain, it did. Ignoring her complaints, he then climbed on top of the speaker where he remained for about five minutes. Okay, well, this guy clearly saw me on chat roulette with my spotter. This is directly lifted. Fuck that. Now, during this infamous Mongol torture slash religious service, the young woman lost consciousness,

and while she was revived on scene, she was later taken to a nearby hospital with a broken rib and was pronounced dead on arrival. Now, for his part, Rabelengo reportedly blamed the girl for not having enough faith to magic away a simple suffocation. Well, in fairness, though, Eli told me it's just about breathing. It's pretty basic stuff. And a silk scarf, you know. We are not welcome back to that yoga class.

Now, I've got to say here, look, the South African ever heavier shit on my congregants arm race needs to stop here, okay? We're only, what, like two months out from Mguni, that fucktard who drove over his congregants. I feel like we can all see where this is going. So I never thought I'd say this, but crazy South African pastors, I feel like maybe it's time to go back to feeding people rats and motor oil.

That's apparently the least harmful religious practice you have in your fucking continent. Somebody mark that out just for your hit piece on Noah later. Do you think there's like a secret pool going that's just like gone too far? Like, oh yeah, I'll fucking cut their heads off with a sword. Oh yeah, watch. I think so.

Yes. That is the most logical way to explain this fucking scenario. You won't. You won't. Secret religious society. And in pedo-light news tonight, a recent blog post by Homeschoolers Anonymous revealed the mind-bogglingly horrible workbook pages

that were used by the Institute of Basic Life Principles, a Christian ministry founded by Bill Gothard, who currently is facing a lawsuit for molestation, rape, and sexual harassment that still runs educational programs, missions, and more today. Shocking. The workbook pages are titled,

quote, Why did God let a four-year-old boy be molested by a 15-year-old neighbor? What? And include 12 bullet points, none of which are because he's not real and if he was, this would be evidence that he's monstrously evil.

Well, I feel like sometimes the example tells us everything we need to know about a person. Right. Because there are infinite ways to present the problem of evil. And these people chose to visualize a 15 year old fucking a toddler. You just you see Gothard at thanksgiving going like does this taste like boiled pancreas of an african child soldier to anybody else or is that just me i don't mean to complain but you give weird examples bill you give weird examples hold on though isn't the rule that it you go double the toddler's age plus seven isn't that how that's because that's exactly 15

i'm pretty sure i should write work. We are not welcome back at that preschool. To be fair, we weren't welcome in the first place. It's true. It's true. Breaking and entering. Andrew says it was fine. Oh no, we're allowed to tell him. That's right.

That's right. Never mind. And look, this whole thing is bonkers. Honestly, we could break down just this document for a full fucking hour but among the highlights of the points why god would allow a 15 year old to molest a four-year-old is quote to give him moral vaccination against future temptations and what which is explained in a short paragraph that you know the way a little measles keeps you from getting measles a little abuse will make you afraid of your dick.

And that's a good thing. That is, by the way, about half these fucking points. Abuse will very likely scar your child for life. And gee whiz, that fits with our view of sex. Right. I'm just toughening up her cheek skin school of spousal abuse. Precisely. Look at that face.

Throat like a leather car seat. That takes work, my friends. It takes work. It's like the inside of a Lincoln. Another point is number six, quote, to concentrate on God's hatred of sodomy, end quote. Yeah. Apparently, God is going with the get a two-year-old to try broccoli principle with gay sex. If you try it and don't like it, well, there you go.

See? See? Okay, okay wait i'm confused if god's doing moral vaccinations why doesn't he have small amounts of gay sex with everyone and stop all the gay stuff from happening oh oh wait that that causes autism so that's why i guess i guess i get that skeptic and finally i just have to mention number 12 number 12 is perhaps the most bizarre one on the list quote to remind the father to pray a daily hedge of protection end quote that's right god lets your kid get raped to remind you to ask him not to let your kid right every day not just some days every day it's like flaw what about tuesday. It's like flossing. What about Tuesdays? Could you imagine if anybody else worked like God? You show up at your bank every morning. You're like, hey guys, just want to remind you

again today that I'd rather you not light all my money on fire or feed it to an elephant. Anyway, love to stay in chat, but I have to go remind the electrician not to beat my dog to death with a hammer. See ya. And a baseball bat, actually. I better write these all down. I'm going to death with a hammer. See ya. And a baseball bat, actually, now that I'm thinking about it. I better write these all down.

I'm going to write this shit down. Make a list. I mean, how mysterious are your electrician's ways? And look, these worksheets are admittedly from 1994, but according to Homeschoolers Anonymous, these principles are still very much being taught, and it's not like these are from the 12th century. This is an institution

still guiding the learning of children with this message. They've just upgraded the fucking font. It's on an iPad now. And while we reflect on 1994, ye olde days of yore, when stegosaurus still roamed the primeval plain and I graduated from high school,

we'll take a quick break so I can put new tennis balls on my walker and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. I was in second grade. I was so smart that they let me graduate when I was just a kid. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she was.

If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Massage. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Massage. Hey, guys. Psst. I'm going to let you in on a little secret.

Once in a while, you're going to get a gimme. If your girlfriend asks you if you like Juno. If you get asked if you'd rather be with Steve's girlfriend instead of her. That's what we call the softball. The warm-up. The motherfucking gimme. And this week, we got three big gimmies, complete with three big misses. So let's start with an easy question.

What is a white Christian to do when their daughter starts dating a black guy? If you answered what the fuck kind of question is that, congratulations, you got it right. If you answered anything other than that, or some variation of that, then perhaps you'd enjoy reading the Gospel Coalition's website, which featured an article this week called, I Shit You Not, When God Sent Your White Daughter a Black Husband. The whole article reads like someone trying to talk their dad into putting down the gun that they have aimed at the mailman. For example, quote,

Calling Uncle Fred a bigot because he doesn't want your daughter in an interracial marriage dehumanizes him and doesn't help your daughter either. Lovingly bear with others' fears, concerns, and objections while firmly supporting your daughter and son-in-law, end quote. Yeah, because God forbid Uncle Fred not be gently led into the 21st century by jelly beans you lay along the way. All right, so I've got another gimme for you. Is knowing your baby will be born with Zika a sufficient reason for a woman to make her own choices about whether or not to keep it? If you answered, actually, that's a woman's choice no matter what, you get bonus points. And if you answered, it's a difficult question and a hard one, but if I'm going to err, I'm going to err on the side of life, then you just might be former presidential candidate and dummy in search

of his ventriloquist, Marco Rubio, who apparently took his gimme and drove it right the fuck into the dirt this week. He was asked if he was pro-choice in the face of one of the most dangerous conditions a new mother's potential child can be exposed to. And like the shitshow busboy of the Republican Party that he is, he maintained a stance of babies are magic, regardless of whether their lives will be permanently diminished by an awful condition. Just don't come to him for any help with the medical bills. He's got these straps you can put on the bottom of your boots, you see. And for our final gimme of the night, I ask you this. How long should a convicted rapist who was caught lying on the

stand go to prison for when the recommended sentence is four years to life? And if you answered a two-year work release program and no prison, then fuck you. Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you. I mean, there are more details to the story and they just make it worse. And if you want to read all about it, you can check the link out in the show notes. But I already highlighted the main point. So all I've got left to say about this is fuck this asshole. Fuck this asshole and the last asshole and the next asshole and all the other fucking assholes who don't even cross my fucking desk. I mean, what happened to those trans bathroom rape assholes? Where'd they go? You can bother a lesbian at Target, but I got you a real fucking rapist and you're nowhere to be found. And where are my Islam is coming to rape our women shit kickers? Where'd everybody

fucking go? Where the fuck are all those misogynistic dick bags that say they oppose abortion to protect women? Or those fuckwads that are so concerned that young girls not grow up to be used pieces of bubble gum or glasses of water that have been spit in? You guys were so worried about protecting women just a minute ago. Now here's a convicted rapist going virtually unpunished and you're nowhere to be found. Hmm. It's almost like it was proof that you're just using the image of women getting raped

to stoke terror when you actually don't give a flying fuck about women unless it allows you to demonize brown people or trans people or gay people. It's almost like a blatant admission that concern for the safety of women was just another handhold on the mountain of bullshit you're trying to lead society up through. And while I say fuck a whole bunch more times and try not to think of all the times I've covered stories where the rape victim winds up going to prison, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in shock and Allah news tonight, the Swedish church, Libet Örd, has found the second worst use for drones this week

as they announced their plan to drone drop thousands of pillbox-sized e-bibles into ISIS-controlled areas. Yeah, because I guess apparently the Snuggie company was going to make them put their own smallpox in. It's a whole big thing, so they had to go with plan B. I just can't wait to hear about the Islamic

miracle when some guy gets hit on the head with an e-bible, but he survives because he had the Quran in his hat. I want to review that movie. Somebody make it. Patreon goal. Give it time. So let's break down all the ways in which this is fucking stupid okay but i just want to warn you and ahead of time this is an hour-long

show so yeah exactly okay some of the ways some of the ways in which this is fucking stupid so we'll skip over the whole nobody needs a book that tells you to burn witches right uh let's let's move on to these people probably need food a whole lot more than they need Bibles, namely at all. Like, I don't need food or a Bible, but I need food more than a Bible. And that is true of literally all humans. Every human. That's what we have in common. And all the things, too.

I mean, these people need spinning rims more than they need Bibles. Okay, well, that was aimed at me. I thought my 91 Volvo wagon looked good with those. Whatever. It was embarrassing. It just looked silly. It did. Thank you.

You look fantastic. Thank you. Remember when you popped the car in front of that older lady? She liked it. Some sweet hydraulics. Yeah. Okay, moving on. Much like a similar failed campaign in North Korea

by different assholes last year being found in the possession of a bible in most of these areas is enough of an excuse for isis to kill you right and honestly it's not hard to imagine that an entire village could be murdered just for having bibles dropped there in case anyone kept one isis is not known for its jurisprudence. Right, yeah. Appealing to ISIS for leniency is asking them to go left hand, right foot, you know? Also, when they do this Kindle firebombing mission, are they going to be dropping down USB cables too? And wall chargers and fucking Allen wrenches? It seems like these Swedish people didn't think it through.

Instructions with just cartoons on them. Don't make any fucking sense. You can set up this e-reader by yourself. Fuck you. No, you fucking can't. No, you fucking gotta pay some high teenager from Brooklyn to come set this thing up. I'm 30 years old. I don't have time for this.

He should rob me. He should. Everyone involved should get robbed. I deserve it. Should everyone involved should get robbed. I deserve it. And finally, out look,

despite the fact that Obama refuses to use the words radical Islamic terror, and secretly that means everyone knows he's a big old pussy. People in the areas that are controlled by ISIS are fucking terrified of drones because most of the time they deliver fiery fucking death to their children. I'm guessing these Swedish assholes are hoping that the promise of an unreadable pillbox-sized e-reader with the world's most boring genocide instruction manual in it will be enough to make people roll those fucking dice. Ooh, which one to choose, which one to choose? No bums, no bums, no bums, no whammies, no whammies, no whammies.

Stop! And finally tonight, in Duck Whistling Dixie News, now that the Christian right has managed to co-opt the Republican Party and turn it into whatever the fuck this is, they seem to be experiencing some hijacker's remorse about it. Okay, maybe not a la Akbar, but he's pretty great. Pretty great. Medium Akbar.

Right. Exactly. Yeah. So it's a trap. They're having remorse, at least to the extent that Donald Trump is a raving lunatic who's losing to a girl, which is their nightmare. And it is. But even worse, it's a secular girl.

Disaster. Hey, only if she cheats. Right. That's the only way that the polls could be right about the 19 points. Anyway. Yeah. So that's why Duck Dynasty patriarch Phil Robertson might just throw his disgusting, sweaty, camouflaged bandana into the ring

and run for president himself. That's right. That's happening. It's going to clash with Curt Schilling's bloody sock, but whatever. The ring's got room. So the announcement of a potential run by Trailer Park Gandalf happened last week during a

teleforum held by a group called My Faith Votes. Got to get rid of the Johnson Amendment. Don't everything help, right? That's the important, yeah. They're the Christian political activists, led by Ben Carson, looking to mobilize as many Christian voters as they can in order to get more Jesus into American public policy. That's what we need.

And although they're still committed at the moment to getting a win for Trump, Robertson decided to put himself out there as a possible plan B in case that doesn't work out. In case what? Jack Skellington unzips Trump and the bugs he's made of go everywhere?

Yes. Someone please draw me that picture. Yes, in case of that. And here's a few of the remarks we got to hear from the leader of the clan hedron uh first david crossburner agreed with one of the callers who suggested that so-called rising secularism is currently the greatest assault on christianity they're facing today mean, broken clock twice a day. I guess the biggest threat to Christian political power is people who don't want Christians

to have political power. So, hooray for not throwing your poop, I guess. Yeah, hooray indeed. And here's how Robertson closed it out. He said, quote, if you want to see a change in America, get me in there, dude. End change in America, get me in there, dude.

End quote. Dude, get me in there, dude. Which I'm assuming is the first presidential hopeful whose announcement ever included the word dude in it. And probably the first one that sounded like it was about to end with, you know what I'm saying, mean gene? Get me in there, dude. Mean Gene. Get me in there, dude. I like my presidential candidates to enter the race like a guy who doesn't understand it's his job to film you fucking your wife, not participate.

No, no, man. Camera. Nothing camera. Get me in there, dude. Just one of many phrases that can function both as a presidential campaign announcement and the only coherent words you hear from your stumbling drunk friend before he pisses himself. I'll help you fight that cop. He's kidding.

He's kidding. He can't. I mean, he's probably not kidding. You're safe. Are you peeing yourself? Yes. Yeah. All right.

Well, either way, we'd love to watch the Christian right split back off the GOP and form their own party led by their own low-functioning reality TV star. Yeah, right. And that's why we're going to go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock. Campaign slogans for Phil Robertson. Go. All right.

Phil Robertson. Because Rutherford B. Hayes has held the most homeless presidential facial hair title for long enough. Yeah, take him down a peg. Building a bridge to the 16th century. One guy. One guy. How about Phil Robertson?

Yes, we camo. Phil Robertson, 2016. Together, we can find the Entwives. A duck in every pot and an ATV on every lawn? Right. Maybe up on blocks, though. Maybe not with tires.

What about, uh, it's time for a lame duck dynasty in Washington. I'm the guy. Phil Robertson. A thousand points of lice. Or maybe a thousand pints of lice. Truth in advertising. Keep it emphasized. How about, get me in there, dude. Done. Go straight up. Print them up.

The hats will sell. Alright right i got one more uh how about vote for philly bob america needs a change in the white house and uh i'm gonna make it into uncle si's cabin so it'd be perfect and well it slowly occurs to everyone the extent to which there's nothing more insane about phil robertson running for president than donald trump running for president we'll close out the headlines for the night heath eli thanks as always uh duck on and when we come back the crime will finally get around to telling us about moses and noah For those of you who tuned in to last week's show or the week before his show, you might remember that both weeks we had news and have done resulting PSAs about David Barton, who is a boring liar. And we were really hoping that those two would kind of do the trick. However, this week, Barton appeared on my faith

votes uh get out the vote ministry and told the viewers that they would have to explain it to god if they didn't vote for trump so now for a final psa heathenwright all right this is the last time i'm doing this here all right heathenwright scathing gam ramen and he fine all right uh hey uh guy hey guy cut it out cut it out he's a boring liar he's a boring stupid liar stop it stop stop don't look okay you see this this over here this is a venn diagram of people named david barton and people who are boring liars. You see how it's a fucking circle? Cut it out. It's just that... Guys, David Barton just said

George Washington invented the washing machine and that's why it's called that. Fuck! As many of you know, the Quran fucking sucks. It's more repetitive than the Old Testament, it's less interesting than the New Testament, and less culturally sensitive than the Kristallnacht. But I wanted to change things up a bit this month by finding something nice to say about it. And I also want a bigger dick and a prehensile tail.

I want a bigger tail and a prehensile dick. i want a bigger tail and a prehensile dick imagine you could just grab that would be awesome yeah oh shit that leaves me with a dick tail and a bigger prehensile i gotta start going first you guys always get to go first and of course we need to spread out the suffering a little bit so we're going to be joined once more by my lovely wife lucinda illusion so lucinda you ready to talk about the stuff we already talked about Muhammad talking about again? This book should have been called Doodly-doot, doodly-doot, doodly-doot. Muhammad, where?

Yeah, and I thought the ant thing last week might mean that we're going to have some fun in Surah 29 titled The Spider, but it turns out that no, Shelob does not fight Allah's favorite she-camel in this one. Yeah, so Muhammad, as you know, cycles through lots of different emotional phases during the book. And at this point, it was definitely paranoid stoned guy. He says, have the people supposed that they will be left alone to say we believe without being put to the test?

It's a question. Like, he really wants to know the answer from the scribe. Like, are people saying I won't murder the fakers? I'm not an asshole. I thought I was clear. Am I talking really loud? I'm writing? Am I writing really loud?

But I love this line in verse 24 where he's talking about how the people responded to Abraham. It says, the only response of Abraham's people was kill him or burn him. And I just think those are weird options i mean like burn him how badly you know cigarette burn him around the national mall in the sun for two weeks my inner thighs look like i miscarried a hot pocket like a medium

amount of normal burning with fire would have been much more pleasant for everyone involved. And then he talks about Lot because this was a book for people with terrible Alzheimer's, apparently. Apparently, yeah. Ooh, old people are an amazing marketing opportunity. Old people love to repeat the same story. They're super religious.

They don't have long to live, so the whole ooh-a-side-say thing wouldn't be a big deal. Get on that, ISIS. Come on. I thought we were very clear about the giving of advice to ISIS on the show. That's true. That's me.

I'm in my bed. All right. Moving on to verse 38. According to the Saudi version, anyway, Muhammad starts yelling like a choreographer all of a sudden. He's like, and add in the mood, people. Add in the mood. It says people. It says people in parentheses.

Add in the mood. And then we get the titular spider. And what a fucking disappointment. Does Muhammad fight the spider? No. Does the spider make friends with Shuayb? No. Does Aisha sit on a tuffet?

No. It's just a shitty analogy about spiderwebs being frail. It literally says that spiderwebs are the most fragile of all the houses. So, first of all, a house of mustard seeds would be much weaker. But more importantly, you can debunk the Quran with three little pigs. Well, right. Using spiderwebs as your symbol of weakness is insane. I mean, of all the things that come out of asses, it's the best building material by far.

Strong disagreement. Challenge accepted. Oh, God. We are not welcome back at that construction site. Okay, okay. And can anybody help me out with verse 48 here it says in my translation anyway you are not able to read any book before this nor did you write one down with your hand if you had done so the followers of falsehood would have had cause to doubt it end quote what the fuck is he even trying to say there what does that mean i can see the confusion okay

so i think that like god is talking to muhammad right there right like like you can't read and you've never written this like if this was your fourth book people could understand how it got to be so fucking awesome and shit but but a debut this good who are we trying to fool i think that was the message there oh see i had a parenthetical of Revelation and it didn't say O Jews, so that was disappointing. But I think it means like, oh, and I wrote a holy book on my first try unlike some people which needed two

testaments. Am I right? Roasted! Not sure where they decided to focus on this, but the Quran is the crisscross jump of holy books. That's good to know. Yeah. ISIS, ISIS babies.

So those are basically all of Muhammad's thoughts on the subject of spiders, which means we move on to Surah 30, the Romans, or the Byzantines, depending on exactly how archaic you want this chapter to sound. Right. Okay, so the book that makes things clear

starts this one off by saying the Romans have suffered a defeat recently in a nearby land. It's really zeroed in on it there. And then it basically says, but they'll also have a victory at some point, too, as though they're throwing down next week's lottery numbers. Really?

A military victory of some sort by the largest known empire in the world at the time in some number of years, perhaps? It's like a meteorologist saying the temperature is going to have degrees. Well, but how did he know the degrees would be Celsius? Oh, I see. God is the greatest. And again, this is yet another one of those wait until you get to this part moments that the internet promised me.

This could not be more vague. Nostradamus would have called for more active prose. And then we finally get around to a list of all of these signs that God exists that he keeps saying are so clear. And the first one he cites is the fact that humans are made of dust. That's proof that God exists right there. Dust, wet germs. Sounds like things michael jackson

accused the police of putting in his cell they were dust and wet germs on the walls dust and wet germs also spouses is another clear sign yeah it actually says that it's one of the signs that god uh exists it's all the spouses that he made Did they not realize that camels fucked back then? Other camels? Maybe not. Maybe not. Pretty tired of your camel bi erasure. Pretty tired of it.

Hold on, though. In fairness, I felt like Noah was allowing for people to fuck both genders of camels with that comment. No, I was. Yeah, okay. Plus, you can't deny the world has penises and empty spaces that's a pretty big answer i'm not having this fight with you again he's not here he then right has no longer associated with this podcast agree to disagree and the whole section here with the signs it sounds

like middle school brainstorming like okay uh what, what about trees? Good, good. No wrong answers. Left gloves? Excellent, excellent. Everything's not the same color? Yeah, just remember that one. You totally helped, though. Good job, Brian.

Good, good. We're working as a team. Yeah, I've heard kids make more convincing arguments that they're a little teapot short and stout okay well if you don't believe this is my handle then how come there are boats that's pretty good argument and then in verse 39 we get one of these pre-modern scribblings that continue to fuck up international banking for everybody in essence usury is bad yeah nice subtle shot of the jews here i'm not saying who, but anyone you

see lending money or controlling in media, adjusting air conditioning, them. Oh, them. And at a certain point, it just starts lying about itself, though. In verse 58, it says that the Quran has set forth every kind of parable imaginable. It says that. All of them. Yes. There's been like eight parables.

That's probably being generous, honestly. Eight parables at most in the last 300 pages. I was baffled by this. This is my Quranic bats or birds now, because I just get to take Muslim people and be like, hey, tell me where the parable of the hooker and the hot wing is in the book. He says it has all of them. Okay, I want to play. This is a new game.

Cheaper by the dozen. Big part of the Hooters menu. Best to have blue cheese, extra napkins and rubber gloves. I said in the Quran, not our friendship journal. Get yourself a friendship journal, guys. Get yourself a friendship journal, guys. Get yourself a friendship journal.

And of course, that's all that Muhammad has to say about Romans. And then it's on to a chapter with an untranslatable title that sounds like a Nintendo game I settled for when all the good shit was checked out at Blockbuster. Luckman with a Q. Not sure if I'm ready for a super nintendo yet my current

one's running pretty smooth also my dad's in between jobs right now so this was before super nintendo i don't know if i'm defending myself or not when i say that i'm sorry whip the slave whatever game you play was a cup a thing yet? Okay, so apparently, for the record, Luckman is a dude upon whom God bestowed great wisdom. And one day he tells his kid not to associate partners with God. And thus is the story of Luckman. That's it.

That's the whole thing. That's all there was. And then it's on to Surah 32, the prostration, where we learn, in case you were wondering who it was who created the universe and all, it was Allah. Allah created all the stuff. Spoilers. This book is just spoilers for itself, isn't it? And in a lot of ways, that and some torture porn hell threats is all this Surah has to offer. And then we get an updated version of how humans were created. According to the Saudi version, Allah made us from semen of worthless water. Exact words. Oh.

So, homeopathic ejaculate? I find this hard to swallow. Thank you, Noah. Get some fucking protein in your diet. Guys, I said we should do some behind-the-scenes stuff, but that was not what I meant. I thought, like, an ask me anything, get on Reddit, invite some people on Twitter.

Nope, you get my watery semen. And despite what Muhammad seems to think, he is fucking terrible at hell threats. He says in verse 20, he's like, and all the people who are in the fire will try to get out, but when they do, there'll be like people there that'll be like, no, bitch,

and make them go back into it. They just get out. So for those keeping track right now, Muslim hell is being in a ring of fire where the waiter brings you soup that hasn't been cooled down enough and boils your insides and what you ate. So you give it one star on Yelp, but you try to leave. But then you remember you said you'd meet someone there and you have to stick around.

But like maybe they saw the review. So you're super nervous. Try not to look like your profile picture. I get it. And don't forget. Also, even though you know the soup is still hot you immediately put your face in it and blow right which seems like it's going to help but it doesn't so uh yeah muslim hell is like being george costanza in a chinese restaurant at the hotel

california but not as cool as that sounds it's like that but less cool yeah but this one can really be summed up in its last verse here. Yeah, but when we prove that they're wrong, the people who think we're wrong will know that they were wrong. Wisdom, y'all. Handwritten copies passed down for centuries. Oh, poor scribes. Then we get Surah 34, ultimately titled The Clans, The Confederates, The Combined Forces, or 100 Women I'd Like to Pork. And at least in this era, we get a new argument.

Muhammad points out that people don't have two hearts, and if there wasn't a god up there counting hearts on the assembly line, how could that be possible? What the fuck was he talking about? We just made a thousand Doctor Who fans hate Islam more than any of the regular stuff ever could. There's someone right now holding a sonic screwdriver that's like, fucking animals. Animals.

And then same verse after the two hearts thing. It says, quote, this is crazy. I have no idea what I'm about to say, but this is the quote. This is so amazing. Neither has Allah made your wives, whom you declare to be like your mother's backs your real mothers what az zihar is the saying of a husband to his

wife you are to me like the back of my mother i.e you are unlawful for me to approach. That is what you're saying. No idea. That is what you're saying with your mouths. End quote. So it just said a bunch of nonsense, then admitted it was a bunch of nonsense, and then told us that we said it. The crown is like a drunk subway guy

taking a whole bench with his bag of fucking bottles. Well, then God goes about setting up a first best friend, second best friend, third best friend list like a nine-year-old or something. Blood relatives, as it turns out, are way better than immigrants. Donald Hussein Trump. Yeah. Yeah. Who knew we were being inducted into Islam when we set up our top friends on MySpace? Right.

Yeah. So in reverse order, it goes Mexicans, then family members, then Allah, then Tom. Yeah. That's how you're supposed to write it. And then we get this moment that I love. Muhammad is clearly trying to hit a word count. So he has this long list of people who will be blessed. And it's all like humble men and humble women patient men and patient women charitable men and charitable women

and the only thing that doesn't come in a gender pair is the one where it says and women who don't fuck a lot right it felt like a studio note like men who don't fuck a lot not that i know any of those people migtown muslims go in their own way who's with me? And if that was too subtle By the way At this point God weighs in on a person Muhammad is fucking As part of his revelation Muhammad actually goes

And God also said It was perfectly okay For me to fuck My adopted son's wife Now that he's done with her Figured we should codify that In God's perfect book of wisdom Because everybody knows

Right Well this is why When we formed the LLC We figured out Who gets Anna if I die. It's diabetes cats. Yes. We have the most similar bodies.

Both wanted to look at our buttholes. Look at my butthole. Both have Islamic sympathies. Yeah, I get it. And I get Madge at that point for similar reasons. Also, the adopted son's wife didn't have a choice anyway, actually, because in the previous verse, we find out that Muhammad and fucking Roosh V have similar rules about consent.

Right. Basically, if you're in a public place or a private place, all the other places are safe. But if you're in one of those two types of places, that's consent to Muhammad. Yeah, exactly. Practically, this whole chapter is a list of people Muhammad is allowed to fuck. Oh, a list that includes his first cousins on both sides, by the way, specifically. So Muhammad is a cousin fucking pederast.

He really says that. Pederast. I bet this book is illegal in the Austrian capital territories. You would think. Moe's lying next to his wife playing the celebrity list game, but he just keeps naming family members. Yeah, maybe name a famous person now. He's weird.

You know what? I'm just going to laminate our genealogy book. And this census. And this middle school yearbook. Just in case. And you can also see how power drunk he's getting in this one. In verse 53, I shit you not, Muhammad says, and if you come over to my house, don't hang out forever.

Eat and get the fuck out. God has revealed special instructions about being a good house guest when you're visiting Muhammad specifically. Okay, that I can get on board with. Oh, really? Anna's college friend? And then what did your ex do? It's four in the morning.

It's four in the morning. And if you think we're exaggerating here, allow me to quote from verse 57. Those who annoy God and his messenger shall be cursed by God in this world and the year after. Yep. End quote. And don't put me in group messages or I will kill you. Don't text me hey. Don't say just hey.

That's useless to me. I'll fucking kill you if you do that. This might be the first part of the book that I agree with. I like some of this stuff. Add me to groups without asking. Right, so in summary, surah 33 is Muhammad will fuck and kill

as he pleases. Yep. And then we're on to our last surah where we start off by learning that if Allah wanted to, he could totally crush you with a chunk of sky. But luckily, he doesn't want to.

You're so lucky. Remember those invisible air pillars that I told you I hold up the air with? I can make those disappear whenever I want. Don't make me rain down air on you guys. And the scribe's like, hey man, I think maybe sulfur might be a little more intimidating.

Nobody likes you. Stop interrupting. And then we talk about David a little bit. He reveals that David sang with the birds and the fishes like a goddamn Disney princess. And that Solomon was an airbender. Right, yes. Who had an army of demons and a river of molten copper. But apparently that wasn't a story worth going into.

Yeah, this is so infuriating. We finally get to the good parts of this book about demons and magic powers, and Muhammad is like fucking Peter Falk tricking you into hearing a bedtime story. You don't want to hear about that. You want to hear about Moses and how long you should stay for lunch. No. When the wonder years are over, I'm going to get addicted to meth, and people are going to hide it.

That's not true. I just mixed it up occasionally, to you have to search that out just make you google but instead we get the story of the people of shiba and the two gardens one on the right one on the left the right and left of what go fuck yourself that's what the the left of east and the right of west uh those are both north i know i know I know It's two gardens in the north Stop being annoying Don't be an asshole You heard what happened

In the last one right And the two gardens Used to have tasty fruit It used to be really yummy But then the people of Sheba Pissed God off So he made it nasty fruit So not only will God

Burn you in hell And raze your cities But he'll also make your fruit Taste shitty It seems like an unnecessary after threat, but yes. And then he goes on to challenge all the other gods to a pie-eating contest or something.

He implies that all the other gods put together weigh less than Allah, so by that standard, the mightiest deity known to man is Eli's Chipotle shits. My shit is bigger than your Bible and your Quran. Yeah. I should see a doctor.

At some point. And then it's just a bunch of Muhammad fantasizing about all the post-mortem tortures that await the kids who gave him wedgies and then it's over. Yeah. All done. But only for the moment because there are 80 more surahs in this month. I did not say 18.

I said 80 more surahs in this motherfucker. I did not say 18. I said 80 more surahs in this motherfucker. But luckily, we've got the rest of the month to absorb that before we have to get back into this thing. So we'll put this piece of shit down for the moment and pick it back up in episode 186 in the next installment of The Quranomaniacs. Before we run out of MP3 tonight, I wanted to throw out a big congratulations to Eli and Anna, who are going to be getting married the day after this episode releases, setting aside all the silly self-deprecating shit that Eli says about himself on the show and all the Eli deprecating shit that Heath and I say. Eli is truly one of the best people I've ever met. He's compassionate, considerate, thoughtful, he's talented,

and he's dedicated his life to making people smile. And he's also found his perfect counterpart in an equally exceptional bride. So with all sincerity, guys, I hope your marriage is filled with laughter, love, and bountiful butt stuff for all the years to come. Of course, Eli's going to be gallivanting about Europe for the next couple of weeks on honeymoon, so he'll be taking the next couple of weeks off, obviously. He'll be back in episode 185 as Mr. Anna Phyllis Smith, but between now and then, Heath Lucinda and I will be holding down the fort. Luckily, we've got about 166 episodes of practice at that, so I'm confident we can handle it.

Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting on Tuesday at 8 a.m. Eastern. This is going to be the record of our first ever live show where we review the passions of the Christ. Definitely the most fun I've ever had recording an episode, and I'm pretty sure that comes across.

But if you can't wait that long, be sure to check us out on Facebook, Twitter, and YouTube for bonus nuggets of scatheism along the way. Obviously, I need to thank Heath Enright for all the heathens he's wrought. I need to thank Lucinda Lusions for all the delusions she's loosened. And I need to thank Eli Bosnick for all the snicks Eli booed. Also, big thanks to Anna for providing this week's Foreign Resource quote. And she's right, I'm always perpetually running low, so if you've got a blog, a YouTube channel, a Facebook page, a local atheist group, a secular event, or anything remotely like that you'd like to promote, or if you just want to hear your voice on the show, you can record it on your phone and send

me an mp3 or an m4a or a wave or whatever. All the contact info is on the contact page at scathingatheist.com. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most worthy filthy monkey descendants, William Wallace, Gabe That Assen, Street Preacher, Hunter, Chris, Sophie, Cara, Ayla, Joshua, Richard, Eric, Nicholas, Matthew, Robert, David, Lee, Jenny, Lou, Kevin, Josh, Lisa, Sarah, and Kaylee. William Wallace, Gabe, that ass, Heathen, Street Preacher, Hunter, Chris, Sophie, Cara, and Ayla, whose myelin sheaths make supercooled graphene look like fused quartz. Joshua, Richard, Eric, Nicholas, Matthew, Robert, and David whose erections may now be the only hope for space elevator technology and Lee, Jenny, Lou, Kevin, Josh, Lisa, Sarah, and Kaylee whose words would give most people's actions a run for their money together these 21 wondrously wonderful wonders of wonderment

won our hearts this week by giving us money not everybody has the unique blend of 11 herbs and spices it takes to give us money but if you think your secret recipe material you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help

but giving people money isn't really your style, you can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes or emphatically recommending the show to a friend. And even though I won't compliment your genitals on the air, you and I will both know that they're pretty fucking exceptional. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all your genitals on the air, you and I will both know that they're pretty fucking exceptional. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAtheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Butch and Sundance of...

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