The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 187: Cup Yours Edition

Episode Date: September 15, 2016

In this week’s episode, religious dunking booths go wrong three stories in a row, the GOP promotes the Zika virus, cervical cancer, and slavery ... all in one bill, and we find a charity that’ll let us call people fat fucks for them again. To get in on Vulgarity for Charity, check out Modest Needs, then send proof of your donation to [e-mail] Click Here to make a per episode donation at Patreon.com Click Here to buy our book. Click Here to check out The Skepticrat. Click Here to check out God Awful Movies. Headlines: GOP delays Zika relief bill in effort to defund planned parenthood: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2016/09/gop-holds-zika-relief-bill-hostage/ Mother files charges after her autistic son is forcibly baptized: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/10/a-mother-files-criminal-charges-after-her-autistic-sons-mentor-forcibly-baptized-him/ Soldier drowns after his baptism http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/08/a-soldier-drowned-after-his-baptism-now-the-military-is-investigating-while-christians-cry-foul/ 13 people drown trying to dunk ganesh http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/08/13-people-may-have-drowned-in-india-while-trying-to-immerse-an-idol-of-ganesh-in-a-river/ Vatican calls for worldwide day of prayer for sex abuse victims: http://www.rawstory.com/2016/09/catholic-church-to-hold-worldwide-day-of-prayer-for-sex-abuse-victims/ Alabama priest calls for military to execute people who don’t stand for the pledge: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/10/church-defends-pastorhs-football-announcer-who-said-national-anthem-protesters-should-be-executed/ Steven Anderson denied entry into South Africa over hate speech concerns: http://religionnews.com/2016/09/13/anti-gay-arizona-pastor-denied-visa-to-enter-south-africa/ Circumcision practice doll: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/06/i-guess-even-doctors-who-perform-circumcisions-need-a-way-to-practice/ This Week in Misogyny: Church asks rape victim to apologize to rape victims wife http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/09/after-a-youth-pastor-raped-a-girl-their-church-asked-the-victim-to-apologize-to-the-pastors-wife/ Judge apologizes for asking rape victim why she didn’t keep her knees together: http://www.rawstory.com/2016/09/judge-apologizes-to-rape-victim-for-asking-why-she-didnt-keep-her-knees-together/ Suspected rapist claims biblical license to fuck who he wants: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/14/suspected-rapist-told-authorities-the-bible-gave-him-the-right-to-have-sex-with-anyone/

Warning, the following podcast contains profanity being interrupted by different profanity. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new penis replacement system for gay men seeking conversion therapy. It's Faggotrol by Dicoderm. Our patented delivery system gives you a steady trickle of sodomy throughout the day so you can finally beat those cravings. And by the end of week six, you'll be getting nothing but the tip, and you'll still feel great. And then you start wearing the snatch patch, and you'll be well on your way to becoming a normal, vagina-loving man.

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We really developed from a greedy ape man. It's Thursday. It's September 15th. And if you don't stand for fat bottom girls, you can die of AIDS like Freddie Mercury did for you. I have no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York and Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Scathing Atheist.

On this week's episode, religious dunking booths go wrong three storings in a row. The GOP promotes the Zika virus, cervical cancer, and slavery all in one bill. And we fight a charity that'll let us call people fat fucks for them again. But first, the diatribe. I've got my parents coming in for a few days at the end of the month. This will be the first time in my adult life that they've stayed in my house for any period of time. You know, they've come to see me here and there, but they've always hoteled it before. But this time I've got a guest bedroom for them, so I get to play host.

And I don't mind saying I'm a little nervous about it. I guess I probably would be one way or the other but my stress is compounded because up until now I haven't exactly told them what I do for a living. See when I started this show the whole point of it was anonymity. I started blogging just to have a creative outlet but I found that I was constantly censoring myself. You know my parents and grandparents were reading this shit as were a lot of the kids that knew me from the toy company I worked for at the time. So everything was PG, and I could never broach topics like religion or politics. And as you can imagine, that didn't stay fun for very long for me. So I gave it up, and I started using a pseudonym to say all the shit that I didn't want

my mom to hear. And that was pretty easy to pull off when it was just some blog I was writing in my spare time. But when it became a podcast and a full-time job, it started to creep from omission to dishonesty. So in advance of their trip, I have to come clean. I have to tell my mom that I make my living ignoring her advice about what to do when I have nothing nice to say. So I'm sitting in my office the other day, writing my mom a letter, spelling all of this out. Yes, handwriting a letter.

I know I'm 106, but whatever. As I'm writing it, I pause and I start looking around the office. Now, at a glance, the words scathing atheist are visible in at least six places. I also have an atheist license plate that a friend and listener gave me. I have a shelf full of books with the word atheism in them. I have a few less than amicable bumper stickers and buttons hanging around. And from high atop the bookshelfshelf a buddy christ bobblehead overlooks everything so i look around and i think to myself i should probably tone this down a bit before mom and dad get here and then i hit myself with a stick because fuck me a fucking course i shouldn't yeah do religious people tone down their religious paraphernalia when atheists come to visit if they do i've never seen it. I mean, maybe my

grandma-in-law usually has 900 Jesus figurines in her house, and she just hides 400 of them when we come to see her, but I kind of doubt it. Hell, odds are better than 50-50 that my dad's going to show up wearing a Jesus t-shirt. Now, consider the double standard that exists here. I'm an atheist for a living, right? That's what I spend my days writing about, talking about, studying about. I know that we don't have preachers in atheism, but that's like my closest counterpart in the religious world, a person who is religious for a living. So imagine you walk into a preacher's home. You probably have at some point. How much Jesus shit did you see there? I mean, sure, I've got an atheist sticker on my car, a couple of atheist t-shirts, a bit of atheist memorabilia hanging around in my office,

but how minor of a dusting is that compared to your religious aunt's house? Imagine the atheist equivalent. My parents walk in, first thing they see is a giant picture of Darwin tending finches over the fireplace, a very conspicuous copy of The God Delusion sitting open on the coffee table, another smaller one in the bathroom. Of course, I'm wearing my best bong hits for Jesus shirt shirt my wife is in her favorite hand knitted nothing fails like prayer sweater big scarlet a on her necklace monster on sundays playing over the speakers while a better

life is on tv in the background little figurines of madeline murray o'hara and bertrand russell on the end tables patting down dirt on a grave marked religion you know then they go to the guest bedroom where i've placed a copy of God is Not Great on the bedside table in case they need one. Hand-carved image of the flying spaghetti monster hangs over the headboard across from a lovingly rendered oil painting of Sean Carroll Mopp

in a debate stage with William Lane Craig. So they drop off their luggage then they head into the kitchen where Sam Harris quotes hang next to embroidered doilies that say we definitely randomly evolved from protobiotic sludge and then we all settle in for a home-cooked meal but first, of course, I lead them in atheist grace.

Dear Lord, Thanks for not existing so that we can live our lives without the panoptic fear that all the cruel shit in the world was intentional. Thank you for providing us with the comforting knowledge that the fish that swims up dudes' dickholes and devours them from the penis out was the product of impersonal natural forces rather than the insidious concoction of a magical psychopath that controls every aspect of

our fate amen now don't misunderstand me here if i did all of that stuff if that's what my house did look like when my parents got here it would be because i'm an asshole you know just like your religious aunt decks her house out in jesus shit because she's an asshole or mentally ill or some combination of the two. But unlike the religious aunt, we're an overlooked minority. We're a minority that gets accused of assholery every time we self-identify. Our very existence offends people. Put a bumper sticker on your car or wear a t-shirt that identifies you as godless and you're downright boorish. Yet through most of this country, you can't go a mile without coming across somebody going out of their way to identify their religious faith. And nobody says, we're in a crucifix, huh? What an asshole. Well, at least outside of Christian movie scripts, and they would say

buttface instead of asshole. So yeah, nobody says that. And this double standard is so pervasive that at a glance, I was buying into it. You know, I look around my office and thought, yeah, they're right. Announcing to the people that come to my home that I don't find unquestioning devotion to fairy tales laudable, that's a real dick move. And I shouldn't have thought that. I should have known better. And yet it's so thoroughly woven into our culture that I had to think about it for a minute before I gave myself a swift kick in the ass. So fuck it. My mom's been milking that nine months in her womb shit long enough. My office stays how it is. I'm proud of the fight I'm fighting and the person that I am. And I'm not changing a damn thing just because of my parents' religious sensibilities.

All right, I might unimpale the plastic Jesus on the dartboard, but other than that, I'm not changing a thing. And I might still leave him. I haven't even decided yet. They're talking about your Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the dynamic duo of doubt, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, is your symbol shining over Gotham tonight or what? Not yet. We still haven't agreed on the symbol. Still? Yeah, I want a bat wing, but Eli doesn't want a scrotum involved, which is uncharacteristic, honestly, in my opinion. Eli, what was your idea again? It was a swastika.

I'm taking it back. Oh, God, dude. We could do double bat ring. Then it's not a scrotum. There you go. We arrange our scrotums into swastikas. All right. That makes a lot more sense.

Eli clarified. All right. So this is why no charities wanted to work with us, guys. So before we jump into headlines tonight, we're really excited to announce the return of vulgarity for charity and we picked out an awesome charity that could really use your help so modest needs has been helping to combat poverty in the u.s and canada for almost 15 years and they do it in the smart way by helping to keep people from falling into poverty in the first place modest needs provides an online resource for families and individuals in crisis to get short-term assistance from donors all over the world.

And unlike a lot of crowdfunding charity sites, there's no concern about where the money actually goes. Modest Needs does all the work of vetting the applicants and makes sure that all the money donated goes straight to their debtors. So basically, it's a website where you can go and help pay the electric bill of a family in need or help them with a car payment or medical bills or whatever. Yeah, yeah, it's good stuff. But when an overweight YouTube preacher wants $20,000 for an iPod shuffle camera and a new red hat because his exploded, the site rejects that person. They're very good about that. Or if you want to hunt Kelly Kahlberg for sport, it's a stupid charity. That's what I'm saying.

It's a stupid charity and I don't want to do it. And that's my statement. All right. So for those of you who just started listening or who don't know, Vulgarity for Charity is a fundraiser where you donate money to people in need, and we thank you by insulting whoever you think most needs it. And, of course, if we're going to do Vulgarity for Charity again, we had to find a way to make it even more vulgar than last time, so we reached out to the most vulgar people that we know that are on this Skype call,

namely Tom and Cecil over at Cognitive Dissonance, and together we decided to team up for a cross-podcast fundraiser. So here's how the thing works. First, you go to modestneeds.org to make a donation. You can either make a donation directly to the charity, or you can click on the Browse Requests for Help tab and find a specific person or family that you want to help. Once you make your donation, Modest Needs will email you a receipt, which you can then forward to vulgarityforcharity at gmail.com, along with the name of a person you would like us to insult. Yeah, and ideally, throw us a few details about that person if they're not famous or something like that.

I mean, as much as we're happy to shit on the Brian in your life, everyone's got one, it's a lot more fun if we have something to work with beyond their names. Yeah. Oh, man, you got to do my cousin Steve. And we're just like, oh, Steve, such a cousin. it's a lot more fun if we have something to work with beyond their names yeah oh man you gotta do my cousin steve and we're just like oh steve such a cousin pictures help pictures help definitely pictures so if you donate over 20 we're going to insult anybody you'd like and if you donate over 50 we're going to put your name in a random drawing to get a special celebrity guest insult we can't name names just yet but a number of friends in the atheist community have volunteered to read

an insult for us, and some of them might still do it after they see what kind of fucked up shit we wrote for them to say. Yeah, and if you donate $100, I might get a new hat,

which is very exciting. Guys, we told Heath hats cost $40,000, and we buy him a hat every year for his birthday. Don't spoil it. Don't spoil it. So one more time,

check out modestneedseeds.org. You'll find a link on the show notes for this episode. Email proof of your donation to VulgarityForCharity at gmail.com. That's the word for, not the number. Along with the name of the person you want insulted, the fundraiser will be running until next Sunday, September 25th. So if you want us to read your

insult on the air, we need it before midnight Eastern on the 25th. You'll find links to Modest Needs' website on the show notes and full instructions and details at scathingatheist.com. What if I make my donation on the 27th and I email you then? Will I get a special episode all to myself? You will. Thanks for asking that question as it will be asked. No, sorry. We need it by Monday the 25th, guys. Well-oiled machine here. All right, going to headlines. In our lead story tonight, we still don't have a functional Supreme Court of nine people. Is that the lead?

What the fuck? That's not actually the story we're about to talk about, but I feel like every news headline should start with this SCOTUS thing until Mitch McConnell does his fucking job. Save it for the skeptocrat. Save it for the skeptocrat. Okay, sorry. Moving on for the skeptocrat. Save it for the skeptocrat. Okay, sorry. Moving on to the real lead story. And speaking of GOP senators and their uncanny ability to make sure progress doesn't happen,

it's time for another bad idea, bad idea. Isn't it? Oh, I want to play. Dating a woman who tells you all her exes are assholes. Dating a man who wears a leather bracelet. I win. I don't know. You might come in second here hold on a second hold on okay i'm up against some stiff competition here's what we're working with uh thanks to a republican majority in congress

the zika relief bill won't be happening anytime soon unless democrats agree to simultaneously defund Planned Parenthood and, of course, promote the Confederate flag. What? It's really in there. It is. That's also relevant here. So, really, it's a bad idea, bad idea, bad idea. Overachievers. Yeah, they're checking if a third wrong makes a right.

They're checking if a third wrong makes a right. We've come to the point where reaching across the aisle now requires reaching directly through the crust of the earth into the pits of hell. Okay, four baby sacrifices to get this road built. Then the school needs a new library. Damn. So this is actually happening. That's not a big exaggeration you just made. happening that's not a big exaggeration you just made thanks to their religious right and their current hijacking of the gop republican members of congress are refusing to spend money on addressing the spread of a horrible disease that has severe consequences for women and their

reproductive health and somehow they've decided that the only way they are willing to approve any spending is if the money gets diverted from clinics that support women and their reproductive health. That's it. They won't put water in the tub unless Democrats agree to drill a hole in the bottom first. Plus, one other thing started to mention it before the GOP is pretty sure we're never going to solve this Zika problem without getting more confederate flags out there where the fuck did that even come from that's the other requirement

expanded rights for symbolic hate speech in addition otherwise no money for Zika victims really yeah really they really gave their hand away right because like the planned parenthood thing i see how you can weasel around it's like oh well we want to give money to zeke victims but we don't accidentally want to fund abortions but the flag thing is just like

your soul for my pudding cup like mary clearly gave their hand away i love pudding yeah he saw us in the back going dude you you got fucked on that deal. And keep in mind, if they were doing this because they figured a rash of babies born with underdeveloped brains was religions only shot at maintaining a majority

in the post-internet world, that would be less despicable than their stated goals here. I mean, because one way or the other, they're condemning babies to microcephaly, but one way at least has a Machiavellian purpose beyond satisfying their racist misogyny. Give each of them a Twitter, at no illusions, at no illusions, bye.

Yeah, it's crazy. This would be like Democrats in Congress refusing to pass a bill that funds military action against ISIS without a provision that black lives officially matter from now on. Also, Kaepernick goes on Mount Rushmore. Yeah, where Jackson used to be. Michael Jackson? Yeah, he's on there. He's the white guy. Oh, gotcha, gotcha.

It's like that, well, except nothing like that at all. This Zika gridlock thing is so much goddamn worse. And not just because it's actually what the gop is doing it's just theoretically worse too right and and can you imagine the outrage if dems did anything like this like i understand a lot of stupid stuff about the right i really do i can empathize but this is like thinking silence of the lambs is a clean sweep because she didn't put lotion in the basket yeah they might as well threaten to kill another hostage every hour until we bring back slavery

and also starve one hostage an hour no matter what yeah exactly what and in autistic license news tonight ohio resident april defabaugh is fuming pissed this week after a big brother's big sister's mentor forcibly baptized her autistic son, despite the fact that he was kicking, screaming and telling them he was afraid. Fuck. According to Defibar, her son has been dealing with recurring nightmares since it happened. And that shouldn't surprise anybody when you consider that, like, for a person who doesn't know what a baptism is and involves and didn't consent, a surprise baptism is waterboarding. didn't consent a surprise baptism is waterboarding in fact i believe forcible baptism was frank once's second choice if enhanced interrogation technique didn't catch on oh i want to see that back of the napkin list right conversation encouraging bathing uh testicular electrolysis

no no uh okay what about um or on, there's mayo. I think I wrote Oath Ape. Does that make sense to you? Oath Ape. Any chance you meant bath rape? Because that's perfect. Ah, that is what I meant. So glad we talked this through.

Teamwork. Good job. I know you guys are kidding, but I'm sure Luntz would be happy to share that napkin with you. He's quite proud of it. you guys are kidding but i'm sure luntz would be happy to share that napkin with you quite proud of it now we've talked on this show before about the higher rates of atheism among autistic people the neurotypical folks must be the atheism in the vaccine well that could be that could be sure but as i understand it and i should say i'm a long way from an expert on this but a lot of autistic people have trouble with teleology they can't tell when something is purposeful and that's dysfunctional when it means you can't tell a house is designed and a tree isn't. But it also insulates them often against teleological thinking gone mad, also known as religion.

So Christianity's farcical aquatic ceremony made even less sense to this kid than it does to me. All he sees is a bunch of men in dresses about to deprive him of oxygen. And as appealing as that might sound to Eli, even he would get a safe word first. My safe word is keep going. That's so funny. My safe word is wink. Starting to understand all the confusion we've been having. Maybe we do like baseball signs.

Jersey on steroids. Because you struggle away. You're like one of those water willies you get at the arcade for a certain amount of tickets. Surprisingly wily for a tall guy. That's behind the scenes stuff. They don't care. Back to the drowning. Was that a wink or a blink?

It was a wink, dude. A wink. One eye wink. Keep the other eye wide open. Remind me what this story was about. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. their eye wide open remind me what this story was about oh yeah yeah so defaba rightly filed charges of assault and child endangerment against both the church and the pastor who performed the ceremony but was warned by the officer filing the report that it was unlikely that any of the

criminal charges would stick as the child suffered no physical harm oh sure during a baptism it's no harm but you send kelly kolberg a hogwarts amount of emails that you're going to drown her and you get a restraining order you don't get to make those jokes on the air anymore actually andrew comes to your apartment with paperwork well look one way or the other however this turns out it's pretty horrendous yeah i mean you know maybe the justice system works here if somebody gets in trouble i doubt it it, but maybe. But even if they do, look, if I ran around force-dunking autistic kids to protect them from demons, they'd lock me the fuck up. The mom filing charges would be a goddamn formality. I'm just saying, you know, maybe nobody should be able to give 14-year-old girls wine on Sunday morning.

We've seen where that's led. I'm suggesting maybe all of us follow the same fucking laws. Is that crazy? Am I fucking crazy? Apparently yes. Yeah, when you yell that really loud at the end of your sentence as often as I do, you probably are. Yeah, exactly.

And in even more BAP news tonight, Staff Sergeant Marcus Rogers is in some hot water this week because the blood of other people tends to warm up water. Also attracts sharks, according to the movies. That's why you can't bring girls to the beach. hot water this week because the blood of other people tends to warm up water. Also attract sharks, according to the movies. That's why you can't bring girls to the beach.

Or bear hunting. So for those who don't follow along with Christian Nutbags with quite the same enthusiasm that we do, Rogers is a preacher and Facebook Christian who specializes in talking about Jesus while dressed as an army man and

stabbing garbage bags. Which is exactly what the contestants will be doing in Louisiana's Got Talent if the C.A.W. ever gets back to me. Lazy motherfuckers. And he looks like Donald Glover wants to make America great again. Yeah. He looks like a screen cap of harassment on a dating app. By the way, you neglected to mention my favorite pastime of his, which is the bit where he

desperately tries to solicit half a million dollars from his YouTube viewers for nonspecific efforts to spread the word of Jesus. Yeah, I mean, hey, half a million dollars does help with pretty much anything. Yeah, that's true. True. Yeah. So despite the fact that he's not a chaplain and is also certifiably insane, he decided to use a recently flooded river

for a fellow soldier's baptism well and look the military has rules about this shit because it's the military and it's shit they have rules about all the shit only chaplains are allowed to baptize soldiers on base because if you fuck it up you could accidentally kill somebody shit spoiler alert okay well granted the baptism in the flooded river not the greatest idea but in fairness i'm sure this was all based on sincerely held breaths so it's gotta be and i want to be totally clear that there's been no like official explanation yet but what we do know is that rogers posted pictures of him baptizing the soldier in the river he drowned in the day he drowned could be coincidence but if i were a betting man i'd put money on over enthusiastic hate preacher drowns fellow soldier to make sure he's good and

saved and then runs away like a little bitch yeah that's certainly what it looks weird to drown someone while you're saving them right weird to drown someone while you're saving them, right? Weird to drown someone while you're using the word save. Maybe he botched it and the guy was still Muslim. You think the guy went to hell? Yeah, exactly. That's the thing. That's what we don't know. Yeah, we asked the hard questions.

How far was he into the baptism? He's just three feet above hell. Stuck in these rocks, guys. I mean, it's not bad but like rocks and uh quite warm by the way that fundraiser you were talking about the uh last riverbender just shut it down after collecting 30 grand and i can't stress this enough not for life jackets no that might be where it ends up going, but not for that. And also, apparently, Fat Guy in a Red Hat is pissed that reporters are acknowledging this. Apparently, certifiably dangerous Christian crowdfunding scammers are a tight-knit group.

Yeah, it's sad to think that atheism lacks the unity of schizophrenics who yell at their phones about Jesus while they drive. I'm going to be over in the corner swinging back and forth from the neck. And in Darwish Awards news tonight, the Hindu deity Ganesha sent a strongly worded message to some of his Indian worshipers last week in the form of drowning them in a river for being idiots. Or he doesn't exist. And the idiots just drowned of natural causes. Either way, I don't like to ridicule people following their tragic death.

But actually, yes, I do. In this case, I really, really do. Because their dumbass religious ritual, which was the reason they were in the river during a fucking thunderstorm, could have easily killed innocent children in the process or caused the death of other people who tried to save them. You don't know. Right. And also, it's been more than a week, so too late, if anything. Well, and also, there's something like 80 drowning deaths a day in India, so the too

soon exchange is really low there. Yeah. I have a friend who paid to drown a lady in India. Cost him $8. No shit. I'm the friend. paid to drown a lady in India. Cost him $8. No shit. I'm the friend. Kelly Colbert's the lady. I'm coming for you, Kenny.

Best as I can tell, here's what happened. As part of an annual Hindu festival, lots of people like to take clay idols of Ganesha into a river and dunk them into the water. That's why India's been doing so great for all these years. Oh, I see.

It's a big part of their success. I finally explained it. How come your cheese is mushy bricks? Learn to make cheese. When vegans can talk shit about your cheese, dude, you've got some fucked up cheese. I didn't like it when I had cheese. I have cashew cheese now and I don't miss your cheese. I do miss your cheese. I have cashew cheese now and I don't miss your cheese. I do miss your cheese.

I miss your cheese so much. I miss it so much. It's all so bad. I don't care if it's GMO or not. That word doesn't mean what you think it means. Sorry, we're doing news. Yeah, some brown people drowned. Getting back to another awesome drowning story um so the uh

elephant-headed god of intellect and wisdom actually may have finally snapped when about 100 crazy people got into the same tiny fucking clown boat and paddled their death raft into the middle of a river while thunderclouds were moving in. And along the way, something went wrong with that plan. Can't imagine how. And what appears to be a piece of construction paper folded into the shape of a boat managed to capsize, leading to the drowning death of approximately 13 people.

Yeah. And again, there's nothing funny about this. Stop picturing it to Yakety Sax. Stop it. And whatever you do, don't apply that to the existing video of it. And in prayer of the boy rollers news tonight, PopeFrancestry.com announced plans on Monday to tackle the ongoing problem of child sex abuse in the church by wishing real hard.

Glad to see he gave up the wrapping a towel around his eyes so people couldn't see him strategy. No, I didn't say that. I didn't say he may just be adding this. I don't know. So this announcement from one of the three people on Earth most able to meaningfully reduce child sex abuse through simple unilateral action was proposed by his child protection panel

who apparently convened and discussed things and shit before they came up with this. Because look, no matter how nice you want to be here, there are only two ways to read this either prayer doesn't work and they're just ignoring the problem more proactively now or it does work and they just now thought to use their no raped children spell after a century of fucking kids either way they are now worse right and we have to be clear this panel unequivocally decided that magic wishing and just magic wishing was the course of action here.

It wasn't like, oh, we're going to start working with the cops and wish upon a star. Right. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm glad they decided to ramp it up with the praying. It's the thought that counts. That's good. But how hard were they wishing before? Like, not the maximum amount?

Apparently not. They were at a six, and they both were like, what? Wait, wait, does this indicate that they were actively praying for kids to get raped before? Oh my God, guys, prayer works. Prayer works. Now, I'm not going to call this entire endeavor a waste, as I do have to admit that there will be a statistically significant drop

in child sex abuse any time that all the Catholic priests have their hands together. Then you have not heard of arrow fisting. It's like Olympic diving, but with a butt. Google that and show it to your kids. Google, show your kids. Okay, but it still cuts the potential in half, right? At least half of the hand stuff.

Oh, God! They'll start doing some sword-crossing prayers, too. Then we'll know they're taking it seriously. That'd be good. Push your dicks together. Them doing the sword-crossing prayers and taking it seriously. Equally likely. And yakety sacks.

If you're not picturing us doing a Silicon Valley version of figuring out how many kids a priest can fuck at one time, you get the kids by height and have them put their dicks together and then it's like... Jesus. I wasn't picturing that. I promise I wasn't. And in crowd-to-tree-in-America news tonight, much like Freedom Fries and coughing, the Christian Right's insane fixation on shit nobody

would fucking care about continued this week when pastor alan joiner who looks like his mom still cuts his hair despite losing that eye decided to voice his opinion on the stupidest controversy since okay since like five minutes ago at the beginning no opponent is the world's crazy in a terrible place now there's's nothing. I can't name examples since a fart ate itself and threw up and then it'll be in the New York Times tomorrow. So I can't. It's just... The thing is namely

whether or not to stand for the national anthem. Well, personally, I always try to stand. And if I can't do that, I'll do a Heil. But that's just me. That's just the way I was raised. I'm a patriot. And if I can't do that, I'll do a Heil. But that's just me. That's just the way I was raised. I'm a patriot.

Now, I'm going to get to the Chipotle blood fart of an opinion that came out of his mouth. But since we haven't talked about this yet, gentlemen, opinions on whether or not sitting during the national anthem is akin to dancing on the graves of the men who died at Iwo Jima? Well, okay. the graves of the men who died at Iwo Jima? Well, okay, as a person who's danced on a lot of people's graves, I resent the insinuation that it's as easy as just not standing up during America's theme song, but

setting that aside, I feel like when you're unable to rest a starting job out of the hands of the Jacksonville Jaguars sloppy seconds, you should not be allowed to lead a national conversation on anything. You're backing up Blaine fucking Gabbert, Colin. Donald Trump's hair wrangler would be allowed to lead a national conversation on anything. You're backing up Blaine fucking Gabbert, Colin. Donald Trump's hair wrangler would be embarrassed to put that down as his occupation.

If you're going to get offended by Colin Kaepernick, let's be offended by the fact that he cost a perfectly good franchise the 36th overall pick, okay? Yeah. It's not like he's a Heisman Trophy winner with a lucrative minor league baseball contract. The Mets. I want to hear from somebody with accomplishments. Yeah. Survived an abortion. Stuff like that.

That kind of stuff. But generally, and let me say this from the bottom of my heart, and look, I know I'm quote-unquote preaching to the choir here, but fuck your jingoistic little song and your lack of understanding about what rights mean. Fuck your respect our troops bumper sticker while you cut funding for veterans. Fuck the honky tonk pseudo patriotism while you make fucking safe space and trigger warning jokes, which makes vets afraid to use those resources.

And hey, since it just happened, fuck your tragedy porn. Where were you? Non-reflective 9-11 porn while you play devil's advocate on behalf of people who have made a concerted effort to prevent dying emergency workers from getting the care they need you don't love this country you love the country you remember it's moving on without you it's forgetting you and that is pretty fucking american it should be fucking like fireworks or something at the end of that but be the backup quarterback for the niners i hear him as good as him all right so here's what pastor

alan thinks quote if you don't want to stand for the national anthem you can line up over there by the fence and let our military personnel take a few shots at you since they're taking shots for you end quote and doesn't that sound sort of like exactly the opposite of what Walter Subcheck's friends died face down in the mud for? I'm confused. I feel confused. Yeah, yeah. Proposing that we murder people who refuse to show fealty to arbitrary symbols of state in the name of freedom. Words officially don't mean anything anymore.

Congratulations, Christianity. You're done. And just going back to Kaepernick for a second. and uh just going back to kaepernick for a second um if you really wanted to stand during the anthem just play it during the last two minutes of the fourth quarter during and you gotta just sneak it in on it just just you know between sacks and you got him anyway everyone is far too busy asking black people to ask pretty please with sugar on top for us to stop shooting their children for there to be much more on this but thanks to pastor alan joiner for proving you might be stupid but you're never alabama stupid unless you're good lesson pastor alan joiner and with that we're

going to pause for a quick break so i ask you all to rise for the twim introduction as we hand things over to my lovely wife lucinda a man wrote the wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate rape. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man. This week in Massage. Sorry in advance, y'all,

but it's going to be a rapey week. I can't help it. I started the week off with an inbox full of links to this story out of Ohio about a youth pastor raping a 16-year-old girl and then being asked to apologize to the youth pastor raping a 16-year-old girl and then being asked

to apologize to the youth pastor's wife. Now, first things first, the church has denied these allegations, so take this all with a grain of salt, but according to the victim's mother, she was told her family couldn't return to the church until her daughter apologized to her rapist's wife for having an inappropriate relationship with her husband. And it's worth noting that this was part of her testimony at the rape trial, not a lawsuit against the church. So kind of hard to see what she had to gain from making this shit up. Still, the church swears it was just a misunderstanding.

They insist that, quote, the church arranged outside counseling for the victim and her family at the church's own expense, and that they, quote, reached out in support and love for both the victim's family and the family of the perpetrator, end quote. But here's the thing. Why would you tell a rape victim how much you support her rapist's family? Seems like the kind of thing that can just go unsaid if you're not trying to hush anybody up. I mean, if I'm in the mafia and I'm actually genuinely struck by what a shame it would be if something should happen to the local deli I'm in, I maybe keep that to myself. But if that's still too flimsy for you, don't worry. I've got an undisputed victim-blaming rape story for you, too. This one comes to us from Canada, where federal judge Robin Camp may lose his job after asking a rape victim why she couldn't

just keep her knees together. According to the unnamed victim, he went on to explain that, quote, sex and pain sometimes go together. That's not necessarily a bad thing, end quote. And honestly, this dude's excuses are about one degree shy of the dog eating his sense of basic human decency. He started off by claiming that he was just being, quote, facetious, end quote. And when it became clear that nobody was buying his I was only fucking with her excuse, he moved on to claiming that he was just a simple caveman justice. Seriously, his backup justification was that he practiced law in South Africa for decades, where the rape laws were way different.

Now, something tells me you're not allowed to ask rape victims why they didn't shut that whole thing down, even in South Africa. But one way or the other, he's trying to claim that he should keep his job by arguing that he's unqualified for it. And regardless of legal minutia here, shouldn't one of the prerequisites to being a judge be having minimal empathy for humans? I guess the only silver lining here is that he's in Canada, so he can't make Donald Trump's Supreme Court shortlist. And lastly tonight, since you took those first two rape stories like a champ, I'll close on some good news.

You may have heard of Ian McCann when he was arrested last week on charges of rape and attempted rape. He made atheist news circles by claiming that the Bible gave him the right to fuck whoever he wants, whenever he wants. Now, this is Arizona, not Indiana, so he wasn't let out because of RFRA, but he was let out. Because of a clerical error, the police had to release him and couldn't issue a proper arrest warrant until the next day. And during that time, of course, McCann disappeared. Well, his luck ran out on Tuesday when a news reporter was doing an on-site record about the McCann story when the fucktard walks by in the background.

Anyway, the reporter and her camera operator followed him and called the police, and he was arrested moments later. So I guess I have a little something to think about for those three months with good behavior. Sorry. Good news. Good news. I promise good news. So rather than releasing the tirade of fury over this country's grossly lenient rape sentencing guidelines, I'll force a smile and hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in booking can be fun news tonight.

Turns out that Stephen Anderson's visit to South Africa was planned about 23 years too late as they no longer welcome hate spewing, violence endorsing white people with the same fervor they used to. Anderson learned that the hard way this week after South Africa's Home Affairs Minister Malusi Gigaba denied his application for a visa on the grounds of being a hateful little bigot. Ooh, ooh, things South Africa and Bitcoin have in common. Go! Slaves. So fast. So fast.

I was about to shout that anyway. It was just a clinch. That's both of your one. Okay. No, no, no. I'm switching my answer to miners. I'm going to save my one for later. Okay.

Or roll it over. You said we could roll it over. Oh, yeah. Miners are easy to roll over. God, Jesus. How did that get worse? I couldn't imagine that was going to get worse and it did. God damn it.

He is a half Nelson. did that get worse i couldn't imagine that was going to get worse and it did god damn it he is a half nelson all right so luckily for steven anderson he also applied to a couple of safety african nations and botswana decided to let him in yeah the trinity college of africa went to williams don't send me emails so anderson responded to this news via facebook to make it clear that he wasn't mad he just really felt sorry for south africa for not getting to hang out with him and now botswana will get all the salvation jesus he's a human version of an ever creepier facebook message to a girl you don't know in every possible way yeah i would treat you so good so after reminding his followers that the uk government

won't even allow him to catch a connecting flight at heathrow he says quote i feel sorry for the people of south africa stand by for the reports of multitudes saved in botswana where religious freedom still exists end quote okay uh so and Andrew informs me that I have a joke. How many listeners does it take to hire a Botswan and mercenary to kill Steven Anderson? How many? One. Gofundme.com forward slash kill Steven Anderson. No.

No. Murder Gofundme. Murder Gofundme. We said no murder Gofundme. Noah, he's doing a murder Gofundme. That wasn't a murder. That was a different. I meant like said no murder. Go Noah. He's doing a murder. Go fund me. That wasn't a murder. That was a different. It was.

I meant like, kill it. Like definitely a joke. Like a sick kick. Forewarned us was a joke. And therefore, we're not legally culpable if someone then goes and does that. So, yeah. Yeah. No, he's a lot.

It does say on the whiteboard. That's your zero. Now, look, I have to say here. I get South Africa denying him entry into their country believe me we were planning on doing the same shit once we got him into south africa you know i've never heard of no steven anderson so i i applaud the move and all but i feel like from a humanitarian perspective it's just not fair that we have to keep him all the time so i submitted a proposal to the un it's like you know when grandpa starts getting old and you're passing between siblings.

Every country has to take him for a little while. We just, you know, go down the list alphabetically. So Afghanistan gets him first. Ooh, I like it. Don't worry. We'll send him with the pillbox shaped e-bibles. It's fine. It'll be totally fine.

Meanwhile, DR Congo is already working on switching their name back. Congo is already working on switching their name back. And finally tonight, in MGM Gland News, according to a recent article by Hemant Mehta on The Friendly Atheist, there's a product now available on Amazon called the Infant Circumcision Trainer. Yep. It appears to be a practice doll for people who want to be sure nothing goes wrong when they mutilate the genitals of newborn baby boys. So that's available. Just saying.

My birthday is on the 26th. I'm just saying. Listeners ask. It's all that's on my Amazon wish list. And although the doll is not marketed this way, the device looks like it could help with practicing for oversized clits as well. Of babies. So they're nice and versatile.

And they come with extra dicks. Like seriously, look at the picture. It comes with six extra dicks. There's actually a bag of dicks you get with this. Exactly. Exactly. That means that somewhere out there, someone in the universe

is occupationally compelled to occasionally say, I'd like another dozen of your plastic baby dicks, which means, by extension, all the rest of the joy in my life is an unnecessary bonus. Hey, that was a private phone call.

You put it on speakerphone. Privately. Okay, so before we get to all the details of this product, which are amazing. All of them, yes. I want to make a few quick points about this practice in general of circumcision, of which I am a survivor. Yes, am I. I'll start by saying the fact that people in modern society are still cutting baby dicks with a knife is baffling.

To say the least, yeah. And also a sex crime by any reasonable standard. Right. And also a regular crime. If that's not clear, imagine if a husband chopped off his wife's nipples because a ghost is going to be mad at him if he leaves those on. Or any other reason. Just imagine nipple chopping. Doesn't matter why, the FBI sends Jodie Foster to shoot that guy in his basement.

And I feel like cutting off body parts shouldn't become more legal because you switch from main body to genitals. How is that fair? Yeah, right. And switching to a helpless baby doesn't seem to improve things either. I do not get this. Ooh, ooh, I want to play apologist.

Well, you see, my culture has been cutting off nipples for years. Who's to say what's right and wrong? Who said anyone? Cut it out, guys. Seriously. Oh, shit.

You're less likely to get AIDS nipples if you'd cut them off. Now for the fun part. And I highly encourage everyone to search Amazon for infant circumcision trainer so you can search for yourself. Maybe leave a review. Yeah. But for those who haven't already, I'll give you a few highlights. First of all, the practice dummy that pops up first comes in two versions.

White and medium i'm assuming they uh they also offered tar at one point and uh just for the record a different supplier does make a version called dark which costs about triple the white price of $192. Reviews indicate you'll never grow back. To be fair, the dark model comes with one of those paper cutter things from middle school. Yeah, that's probably why they won't sell you the one right up front. You have to level up to the black baby. And one last detail worth mentioning. The Amazon page has an excellent Q&A section.

Definitely don't miss the Q&A. For example, at the top of the list, someone asked, can it be used as a doorstop? I need a doorstop that costs under $186. What a great visual. And yes, it can. Another person asked,

where can I get a black one? And here's the answer. From the actual seller no hi hi it starts with hi hi unfortunately we do not carry the black version but we do have a brown one here and they provided a link to the medium version i see which is brownish and And finally, a question from someone called ebaznyc who asked, does it have an anus? And the answer was, sadly,

it does not, but according to a recent buyer, you can always make your own. So, that's nice. You can always make your own anus is my morning affirmation. It's a constant excuse for my wife, too. She tells me that a lot. My morning affirmation makes it harder to pee.

Am I using that correctly? Anyway. Hi, you can always make your own anus. Anyway, it appears that once again, we've stumbled across a niche in the economy that could use some clever marketing help. Oh, have we? Well, especially considering mutilation of baby dicks is far from the worst thing recommended by the

world's most popular holy books, which is fucking terrifying. And also somehow impressive. I gotta say, a little bit impressive. Anyway, my first thought was a thief dummy for Quran adherence to practice hand chopping. Reverse left and right foot chopping, whatever. Like Operation. And also maybe a thief dummy for Quran adherence to practice hand chopping. Reverse left and right foot chopping, whatever. Like operation.

Yeah. And also maybe a gay dummy to throw rocks at. That'd be good. But the real money, as I understand it, is in the penis cutting stuff. Clearly, yeah. So let's go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock. Ideas for the genital mutilation doll company go. All right, all right.

A couple of subtraction figures for you. Got it. How about Package Patch Kids for the boys and Bandage Snatch Kids for the girls? GI Track Joe. Right, because you can make your own anus. Yeah. You get it. You get it.

What about Weenie Babies? Hell yeah. Dismember Me Elmo. Oh, there you go. Or no, no, no. I'm going Strawberry Short Cock. Oh, nice. I like it. I like Weenie babies helly uh dismember me elmo oh there you go uh or no no i'm going strawberry short cock oh nice nice i like it i like weenie babies a lot how about uh blady lovely cocks oh i like it uh moil little pony twilight speckle someone who has a kid loves that we got a lot of bronies in the audience all right what about um We got a lot of bronies in the audience.

All right. What about Mr. Bepe Tato Head? And he's a sucker of parts. The herpes. Yes. Yeah. Moils that have horrible diseases and suck on baby dicks. I seem to recall that FGM Schwartz sold the shit out of those clitoris pet shop dolls during Ramadan. Oh, it's true.

It's true. I bring those back. What about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtlenecks? Leonardo bleeds. Donatello gets gangrene. Sounds like an awesome cartoon, if you ask me. Turtles in a half-sleeve. Turtle power.

And now that the image of four crime-fighting ninja penises is firmly embedded in your brain, I feel like the purpose of the headline segment has been served. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Make your own anus. And when we come back, the bullshit will hit the fan.

I suppose that when you name a segment after fecal matter, it's only natural that people are going to get uncomfortable if that segment doesn't occur regularly. So with apologies for the long constipated hiatus, we're happy to squeeze out not one but two trips down tripe turnpike in a special double edition of How Bullshit Is It? So tell us, Heath, what's the first egregious misappropriation of neurons that you have

for us today? Okay, tonight we'll be talking about the ancient Chinese art of cupping therapy. Okay, all right. But don't we normally tackle these in alphabetical order? Yeah, normally. But after all the hickey-covered Olympians a few weeks back, and since not too many good pseudosciences start with K, we're going to abandon the alphabetical thing for the moment

and tackle the traditional Chinese medicinal practice of cupping. You can imagine it starting with a K if you like. Okay. All right. So we're going to practice cupping, you and I. Well, maybe later, but we can just talk now. Other than manually gauging the volume of a ball sack, what is cupping? The less useful form of cupping comes to us from traditional Chinese medicine, cupping comes to us from traditional Chinese medicine, often called TCM by people trying to make it sound less bullshitty. It involves heating the air inside a cup and then applying the cup to a patient's skin, causing a vacuum. And why would anyone do that or want that done? That would be lack of a sound, critical thinking curriculum in public schools.

Amen to that, brother. So, okay, what are gullible people made to believe is happening here? Well, according to practitioners, the vacuum, when applied to the proper acupuncture points, can help unblock and realign qi flow. Of course it can. Okay, so acupuncture points don't exist chi isn't a thing

the cupping is used so is this bullshit cubed uh yeah at a minimum all right so now are you saying that like olympians like michael phelps are doing this shit to unblock their chi flow uh possibly but the beauty of a medical procedure that produces absolutely no benefit is that it produces an equal lack of benefit for all ailments. Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh, cupping practitioners can sprinkle in words like toxins and free radicals to claim that their treatment cures cancer, and they're no less right than they are on the Chi flow

thing, so. I mean, but do they, do they really do that? Do you really doubt that they do that? Not even a little, I guess. Well, granted, the cupping cures cancer crowd is a distinct minority, even among TCM nuts, but common claimed benefits of cupping include detoxification, clearing the colon, shitting, reducing scar tissue,

improving varicose veins, and helping activate the arteries and skin. Whatever the fuck that means. Yeah, no shit. Okay, so I think we can all agree that one's chi flow isn't being unblocked. So when one does place one of these vacuum cups over one's skin what actually is happening well you're pulling blood up towards the surface of the skin and temporarily reducing blood flow the notorious cupping hickeys are the result of capillaries expanding fluid accumulating in your skin tissue and the rupturing of blood vessels near the skin surface so bruises bruises yeah okay exactly um aren't bruises bad they are they are how bad um well

generally speaking they're pretty much harmless most of the time cupping bruises are minor and go away in a couple of days you just look like an idiot but they do carry an increased risk of skin infections so they're all right great i mean obviously we we know that all pseudo medicine carries risks right people use that instead of real treatment people think problems are solved when they're not people waste money people reinforce magical thinking that they'll then bring to the ballot box but when you set all of that aside how harmful is cupping like compared to other pseudosciences uh well you don't usually get bruises when you're dowsing so well okay yeah but i mean but compared to the shit like chiropractic and miracle mineral salts this is like relatively harmless right uh well here's the thing until now, we're only talking about beginner level cupping.

If we really want to answer the what's the harm question definitively, we'll have to talk about wet cupping, the advanced level stuff. Sounds pretty sexy. It's not. Okay, so what is it? It's the same thing, but they also cut you. It still sounds sexy. Okay, well, picture an old Chinese guy bruising you with a hickey,

pulling the cup off long enough to cut the bruise with a scalpel, then placing another suction cup over the cut to suck out your blood. And then, if you're not bleeding fast enough, applying pressure around the newly inflicted wound to speed up the process. So, bloodletting. Yeah, but sexy bloodletting. Uh-huh, okay, granted. But isn't bloodletting also bad?

It is. It very much is. Like, killed George Washington levels of bad? Exactly those levels of bad, yeah. Okay, I mean, I feel like, maybe I'm confused on the history, but I feel like we stopped doing that roundabout the time we killed George Washington with it.

Did these guys not get that memo? Well, stupid persists one way or the other, but adding to the difficulty here is the fact that wet cupping is endorsed in the Quran and several of the Hadith. Oh, shit. So a lot of Muslims see the practice as a religious prescription.

Okay, wait, is that the part where they talk about cutting your hands and feet off on opposite sides? No, no, totally different type of bleeding. Okay, gotcha. So just to be clear, there is no legitimate use for cupping? Well, there's still BDSM. That's important. No legitimate medical use but some doctors

recommend bdsm oh right well i guess the only question left to ask is how bullshit is this okay um i'd say it's ryan lochte after a gas station burrito in brazil levels of bullshit it's a lot of bullshit all right well i guess we can pause for a quick break to let everybody digest that first pile but we'll be back in a moment with yet another heaping helping of bullshit an ode to saint teresa A diatribe is enough. I mean, I said enough stuff about the recently sainted Teresa, but no matter how plainly you explain your disdain, three or four people want to police you.

So I wrote one last rhyme. I swear, I'm finished this time, but this is a sum-up for all of the haters about how this scut was a sado, a real asshole tornado, and as helpful as Mongol invaders. I mean, you could do your own Google, but get this through your noodle.

She wasn't a friend of the poor. She gave out vitamin pills and she skimped on the bills and left her patients to shit on the floor. No pain medication, because you'll prevent your damnation if you suffer the same as her savior. So she put others through hell while she stayed in five-star hotels using money that criminals gave her. This would go on for too long if I tried to list all the wrongs

she perpetrated on those in her care. She was a miserable bitch. I won't do it any better than Hitch. Read his book or his blog. It's all there. I mean, I get the appeal of one steady wheel to contrast with a world that's so greedy. It makes us feel better if one person spent her life selflessly helping the needy, but she's not that person. And the problem just worsens if we wait for the next saint to save us. Because if we do this together, we can make the world better and get rid of the lies that enslave us. And incidentally, if you'd like to help prove that, go to modestneeds.org and help a family in need.

And if you're considering it, you're already better than St. Teresa. And we're back for the encore edition of this segment that was already about number two before we even got to the second part. So tell us, Heath, what insult to inference will we be tackling next? That's me, actually. Oh. Oh, my bad, dude. Usually Heath does the How Bullshit Is It? segments.

Yeah, yeah, but he said I could do this one. Are you sure? Because he's been doing this segment for a really long time. I know he likes... Yep. Said I could do it. Okay.

Now you know that he does a bunch of, like, research and shit beforehand, right? Like, knows a bunch of stuff about the thing that we're going to talk about. Yeah. Totally prepared. All right. All right. Yeah. No, I didn't mean to impugn your integrity.

I was just making sure. So, okay. So, we just kind of cheated our way through K, which puts us on L. So, tell us, Eli, what insult to inference will we be tackling next? Lyme disease, comma, fucking away. I see. And, um...

How bullshit is it? Not at all. Totally legit medical practice. Yeah, I was afraid you were going to say that. It isn't. It isn't. It is. It said so on a How Bullshit Is It segment segment and you told me those were super well researched that doesn't count are you calling you a liar because like you're my friend and i don't like why do we even have the whiteboard if you're gonna do shit like this

you said i needed a well-researched source before i got to make any medical claims and you just said how bullshit is it was well well-researched. Well, that's not... Hold on. I just walked in. Sorry to interrupt you guys, but I think you gave me the wrong movie. I watched the whole thing, and Julie Andrews never puts her umbrella in there. I mean, let alone opened it, but nothing like that at all, Eli.

What were you... This must have been the thing of a different... Did you watch it a second time? Wait, hold on a second. Hold on a second. Let's go find that other video right now. No, no. Heath, well, you're here. Did you tell Eli he could do the How Bullshit Is It segment?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. He said it would be help with the Lyme disease therapy thing. And according to Noah, Noah says it will be. No, that is not what I said. That's what you implied. No, you know what? Because technically, this isn't a how bullshit is it segment until the second time

I get all echoey and ask you how bullshit is it. No, no, no. That doesn't count. Not at all. You hit the echoey button. That doesn't count. Doesn't say anything about buttons and when we can hit them on the whiteboard. God damn it. I fuck away your light disease duck.

Okay, you don't really have a video of Mary Poppins fucking her umbrella, do you? Because, I mean, I was a little excited. No. But I have me doing it in a dress. Okay. Do you do poon full of sugar? I do chin chimney. Chimney. Before we disappear over the audio horizon tonight, I want to remind you one more time that we already told the people at Modest Needs

how incredibly generous you are, so don't make us look bad here. Again, modestneeds.org, which is linked on the show notes. Check out what they do, and I'm sure you'll be inspired to help them the same way that we were. Also, if you're a Patreon supporter, we have awesome news for you. Patreon just added a password-protected RSS feed option to their website. That means you can now get your extended early edition of the episode on the same app where you get all your other podcasts. It's a super simple process. It takes all of four seconds, and the new special edition will just pop up in your player as soon as they drop, just like anything else.

If you're already a Patreon supporter, be sure to check your inbox as you should have received an email with all the info on how to activate that feed. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting on Tuesday at 8 a.m. Eastern. I think we're tackling what might be the most bigoted piece of shit movie

we have ever witnessed. I am so excited about this. But if you can't wait that long, don't forget to pick up all your bonus nuggets to Skatheism by liking us on Facebook, following us on Twitter, and subscribing to us on YouTube. Got some super exciting shit coming up on the YouTube channel as well, so get out in front of that.

Obviously, the fat lady can't start singing before I thank Heath Enright for never giving me up, Lucinda for never letting me down, and Eli for never running around and hurting me. I need to thank Simo for providing this week's Farnsworth quote and finish. And I also want to thank you in advance for your generous donation to ModestNeeds.org. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most dependable diploids,

Charles, Scott, Bethany, Fred, Pets, ProPanic, Cam, Jason, Ken, Harcourt, Mr. Blackpool, Matthew, Robert, Craig, Christopher, Justin, Sean, and Mike. Charles, Scott, Bethany, Fred, Hakor, Mr. Blackpool, Matthew, Robert, Craig, Christopher, Justin, Sean, and Mike. Charles, Scott, Bethany, Fred, Pets, and ProPanic, whose gray matter is more tightly packed than a boatload of Syrian refugees. Cam, Jason, Ken, Hakor, Mr. Blackpool, and Matthew, who wear their condoms at half-mast during national tragedies. And Robert, Craig, Christopher, Justin, Sean, and Mike, whose ejaculations trigger Captain Ahab's PTSD, as do their balls. Together, these 18 amiable atheists a in our aims to keep having 18 donors every week

so I don't have to change up my alliteration very often by giving us money. And we thank them. And you can give us money too, but you already know all about that. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com.

All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. I'm putting all of that on echoey, by the way, that whole last bit. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm, LLC, copyright 2016, all rights reserved.