The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 188: Gay Math Edition

Episode Date: September 22, 2016

In this week’s episode, we get ready to say hurtful things on the internet for a cause, a homophobic teacher tries out historical math instead of observational, and the Quran will continue to have words in it. Click Here to make a per episode donation at Patreon.com Click Here to buy our book. Click Here to check out The Skepticrat. Click Here to check out God Awful Movies. Crazy Flat Earther Site: http://www.jesuswasnotajew.org/ Headlines: Study: Religion contributes $378 billion to US economy annually: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/14/study-religion-contributes-at-least-378-billion-a-year-to-the-u-s-economy/ http://religionnews.com/2016/09/14/whats-us-religions-worth-1-2-trillion-says-one-demographer/ Steve King: LGBT Parenting studies are a hoax, like global warming: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/14/republican-rep-steve-king-lgbt-parenting-studies-are-a-hoax-just-like-global-warming/ Uri Geller says Trump will be the next president because his name has 11 letters: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/18/psychic-uri-geller-donald-trump-will-win-the-election-because-he-has-11-letters-in-his-name/ Steve Anderson deported from Botswana: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/20/pastor-steven-anderson-deported-from-botswana-after-advocating-for-the-execution-of-gay-people/ IL SSI worker would rather get fired than watch video on LGBT diversity: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/16/illinois-social-security-worker-would-rather-be-fired-than-watch-an-lgbt-training-video/ Undercover video at Crisis Pregnancy center: Worker claims abortion causes breast cancer: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/15/undercover-video-shows-crisis-pregnancy-center-staffer-saying-abortion-could-lead-to-breast-cancer/ Atheist now runs flat earth website http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/17/a-former-atheist-leader-now-runs-a-crazy-flat-earth-promoting-website/ Math problem contains anti-LGBT religious message: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2016/09/math-test-claims-god-intended-people-to-be-straight/ This Week in Misogyny: Asshole wants to dox Brock Turner’s victim: http://wonkette.com/606536/garbage-alt-right-dude-hopes-to-dox-brock-turners-rapee-for-liberty-and-fairness#dfvsYIY3oqvrQCJF.99 Arizona pastor arrested for marrying 10 year old girl: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2016/09/report-arizona-pastor-who-married-10-year-old-girl-arrested/ Former Ohio Mayor claims 4 year old rape victim was “willing participant” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2016/09/former-ohio-mayor-claims-his-4-year-old-rape-victim-was-willing-participant/

Warning, the following podcast contains informal references to genitals. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Patriotism Plus. Does the current movement of patriotism fail to understand where the intersectionality of patriotism, jingoistic bullshit, racism, and ignorance join? Do you want to distance yourself from America's historically troubling leadership in favor of a guy you follow on Twitter? Patriotism Plus. And it's gone. And now, The Skating Atheist. My name is Patrick, and I am a high school world history teacher in Akron, Ohio.

My ninth grade classes are about to begin a new unit on the Enlightenment, in which they will learn that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's September 22nd. And Donald Trump Jr. looks like the Malfoy that turned out not to be a wizard. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Ethan Wright. And from New York, New York, and Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Scathing Atheist.

On this week's episode, we get ready to say hurtful things on the internet for a cause. A homophobic teacher tries out historical math instead of observational. And the Quran will continue to have words in it. But first, the diatribe. What makes religion so resilient? You know, I'm sure you've got a couple of go-to answers, but before you throw them out there, consider how thoroughly we have won the intellectual side of this argument. I mean, the best the other side can do is try William Lane Craig out there

in hopes he can confuse an audience into thinking that believing in God is an intellectual suicide, but that's it. I mean, the religious position isn't just inferior, it's logically impossible, and yet it's the majority view.

Consider how well the last couple of centuries have gone for us. Like, every new discovery has broken our way. God did it, could have been the answer to any number of questions, but over and over again, it wasn't.

We've explored everything we can think to explore, and nowhere have we found evidence for a God. Every explanation that withstood scrutiny has been God-free, and yet God is still the most frequently cited explanation for shit. From a purely intellectual perspective, we're lobbing ICBMs, and they're throwing their slingshots at us for a lack of rocks to put in them. We're not just winning the battle. We won the battle, gathered the bodies, burned them on a pyre, cleaned up the field, repaired the shell craters, replanted the trees, and built a fucking memorial.

But from an emotional perspective, we still seem to be getting our asses kicked. And that's the root of the much maligned claim that you can't reason someone out of something they didn't reason themselves into. much maligned claim that you can't reason someone out of something they didn't reason themselves into. Now, I know a lot of people take issue with that claim because they all know somebody who was reasoned out of religion or hell, maybe they themselves are a person who was reasoned out of religion. So yeah, the statement might not be technically correct, but it still captures an important detail of our fight and one that we can't ignore. You know, I mean, sure, maybe you were reasoned out of religion, but along the way, you were also emotioned out of it. You know, most of the people I know who reason their way out of faith, yeah, they read some books and they watched some debates and whatnot, but that came after they fought through the emotional anchor of their faith.

And when people say you can't reason a person out of religion, that's what they're talking about. What they're saying is that devangelizing isn't and can't be a purely intellectual practice. We have to deal with the emotional components as well. And when it comes to the emotional front at a glance, we're hopelessly outgunned. We're as outgunned on this front as they are on the intellectual one, right? I mean, we come by it honestly. We're limiting ourselves to verifiable true stuff,

and they can say whatever the fuck they want. So when it comes to death, they offer up eternity in paradise, and all we've got is you won't be around to realize it sucks. When a tornado rips through your house, they offer a direct pipeline to a mute but omnipotent intercessor, and all we've got is promising data on some more advanced warning systems, maybe. When it comes to the vagaries of fortune, they offer up an inexplicable but inestimably important role in the divine architecture of the universe,

and all we've got is the butterfly effect. Now look, our stuff works better, sure, because their shit doesn't exist, and that's why our victory on the intellectual front is so complete. You know, chemotherapy might not be as emotionally satisfying as praying to God to forgive you for masturbating, but it's a hell of a lot more effective. But when you're choosing between something like prayer and chemo, you're making an intellectual distinction, right? When you're choosing whether to believe Fido is in puppy heaven or just accept the fact that he doesn't exist anymore, there needn't be an intellectual component at all. I mean, for me, yes. For you, probably yes.

There's an intellectual component to every decision, but there doesn't have to be. At a glance, there's nothing invested in that distinction other than your emotions. And sure, if you pick at that scab of their motivated reasoning, even the tiniest bit, you'll be reenacting the elevator scene from The Shining, but you don't have to pick at the scab. I mean, again, maybe you do, maybe I do, but one needn't pick at it. You know, if you think to yourself, wow, God intentionally killed my dog and now Fido's stuck in dog heaven for another couple of decades wondering where the fuck I am, the whole thing falls apart. If you think to yourself, I think I could come up with better ways of sending a message than ripping through my house with a fucking tornado and and I'm not even all-knowing. The tower collapses, and I

suspect that most religious people know that, which is precisely why they don't think these things. I mean, look, you sprinkle a few mysterious ways here and there, take a few miracle stories at face value, and get all your apologetics from C.S. Lewis, you can spend a lifetime scratching at an occasional itch around the scab without ever picking at it directly. And of course, if you or I just reach over there and pick at the scab ourselves, we're not exposing a flaw, we're inflicting a wound. So the theist just wraps a bandage around it, lets the scab grow back over and removes us from their lives.

So where does that leave us? Right, I mean, we've got to get around this emotional shell before we can dig into the intellectual part where we know we're going to win. And despite some valiant efforts to point out that like, you know, our atoms were born in the hearts of dying stars and whatnot, the fact that the same is true of dung fungus kind of mutes the emotional impact of that kind of shit. And besides, those efforts are fighting on religion's turf. I mean, yes, we need to engage people emotionally, but we

don't need to use the same emotion. You know, religion reinforces itself through a combination of fear, joy, and sadness. And those are all really strong emotions, but so are anger and disgust. Look, if you want to penetrate the emotional shell that protects religion, show religious people the ugly shit. Show them the destitute people that charlatan preachers are taking advantage of. Show them the innocent children the pedophile priests are raping. Show them the artificial barriers they've erected in front of scientific and social progress. Show them a child trembling in fear of the devil. Show them a lesbian trembling in fear of herself. Show them the bombed marketplace strewn with the corpses of infidels.

Show them the endless cavalcade of historical ills that were wrapped in holy text and ask them which matters more. All the lives ruined by the unaccountable authority of God or their comforting delusion about puppy heaven. They're talking about your Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Bebop and Rocksteady, a blasphemy Heath Enright, and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to serve up a little turtle stew? Turtle stew is the old hole in the bottom of the popcorn bucket trick,

but it takes commitment, damn it. It's not my fault you weren't ready for that. I told you I eat popcorn headfirst, no hands. You knew this. We're not doing this on air. Heathenwright is no longer associated with the popcorn. Yes, he is. In our lead story, even the more so

now that I know he bit you. Anyway, in our lead story tonight, according to a new study published by the Interdisciplinary Journal of Research on Religion, or IJRUR, religion contributes at least $378 billion to the U.S. economy per year. This speculation on the monetary value of God's navel comes to us from Georgetown University's very own Dr. Brian Grimm, who basically admitted that this was a useless waste of time designed to make his department seem numbery. The study was sponsored by Faith Counts, a group whose stated purpose is to make religion look less numbery the study was sponsored by faith counts a group

whose stated purpose is to make religion look less useless and when printed out can hold open a door like nobody's fucking business okay did you say 378 billion dollars that's the lowest that's like two percent of our entire gdp like religion must have sent a lot of people to heaven last year. Wow. And as we all know, zero value added times lots of people to heaven equals 378 billion. Minimum. Get out the math. Good. And we don't know that all that money is positive.

I mean, how much of that is for Thai boy hookers? Does that get counted? Inquiring minds want to know. Some of this money crosses borders, people. Well, fortunately, I can tell you exactly how they arrived at those numbers. Okay, so first, you add up all the money donated to churches. Okay, so we're just counting money going anywhere as the economy. Yeah, well, that's what the economy is.

We're like moving my wallet from my back pocket to my coat pocket. Well, actually, it's even better than that because the next step is to add up all that money again when they spend it so then you tally up all the money they pay to their employees minus the cost of their federally subsidized birth control i'm assuming next you add in all the money americans spend on religious books tv shows movies music and food that won't anger god and then you tack on whatever the fuck they could think of including but not limited to the value of quote businesses with religious roots end in quote which is like jet blue and walmart like a percentage you can't do that and then now this is the most important step right then you don't subtract out all the money we lose through their

bullshit tax exemptions in fact you don't subtract out anything the money we lose through their bullshit tax exemptions. In fact, you don't subtract out anything at all. Religion apparently has no cost. So according to this study, religion is valuable to the U.S. economy in the same way that I'm rich if you add up all the money I've ever earned and don't subtract anything. Wow. Well, in fairness, though, you can't discount all those millions that trickle down to the occasional rape victim who gets some hush money.

They spend. They spend. Plus all those SVU teams. You got Boston Globe reporters. That's job creation right there. Francis, 2016. Make America raped again. Yeah.

And in no Cuomo news tonight, Representative Steve King, who's desperately trying to live up to the name of a white man whose terrifying words fill the world with imaginary monsters, showed Chris Cuomo his inner skeptic this week when asked about whether or not Trump's, let's go ahead and call it plan, would apply to all families or just the stackable ones. That's a great facial. Okay, well, obviously Steve King's never played gay Jenga. Citation needed. Oh, hashtag Steve King's never played gay Jenga. Please make that go viral. Please. Please make that go viral.

I just want him on CNN being like, I have to. I'd have to look. Just the tip. Just the tip. J the tip so cuomo asked him about that and king responded that when he said families he meant natural ones you know with the three kids by two different mothers one of whom is an odds on bet you're fucking like donald trump he is the bible that's what he meant that's what he meant. That's what he meant. Okay, wait. So Trump's economic plan is tax breaks for the straights? That's Donald Trump moderating, y'all.

Soak it in. It's like seeing a snow leopard in the wild. Jesus. It looks like Chris Cuomo actually found Matt Lauer's balls and decided to make use of them, pointing out that there have been several studies that parents of gay kids do just as good a job as straight parents in between all the scissoring. Yeah, and just as good is a really nice way of saying gay parents are very clearly better. Yes.

Which shouldn't surprise anyone, considering most of them need to find a moistened, bent tilaba scimitar at them before they can legally adopt a child so they're dedicated when you can snatch the pebble from my hand well king who if you'll remember also applied his skeptical skills as to what anyone except white people had ever done for the world fired back saying actual quote I think I need to look a little further into some of that research and you know we got down to the global warming argument and found out there was another side to that equation

too end quote so yeah he just wants to see the data he's just asking questions I'm guessing he finds similar answers to the ones he did on global warming namely just because I'm stupid and wrong doesn't mean I'm not entitled to my opinion. Yeah, it does. The Republican fucking tagline.

And in Two Spoon news tonight, self-proclaimed psychic, mentalist, and telekinetic wizard Uri Geller came out with a new prediction last week regarding the U.S. presidential election. It was so good. And according to the least successful guest in the history of The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson, the next president of the United States will be Donald Trump. And why?

Because his name has 11 letters in it. Yep. You know, Heath, I don't do stories about podcasters who turned evil and gave all the other podcasters bad names. Just saying. It's fucking bullshit. It's fucking bullshit. We had Moishe on there. Anyway, so it's not just God giving us cloud signals now. This is exciting.

It's also the magical powers of the number 11. And here's how Geller explained it on his Facebook page. Quote, whether you like him or dislike him. Dislike him. Whether you like him or dislike him. I've got news for you. Donald Trump will become the 45th president. 11 is a very powerful mystical number.

End quote. And then he lists five U.S. presidents with eleven letter names. Those would be Barack Obama, George W. Bush, so already cheating, Bill Clinton, it's William,

Jimmy Carter, James, and John Kennedy. Now cheating the other way. That's right. And yeah, apparently he also forgot about Richie Nixon, Ronnie Reagan, and also Herbie Walker right after that. I don't know why he didn't name all of them. Which is totally stupid because Hilly Kleese totally has 11 letters. Then again, so does Gary Johnson.

Oh, shit. And one of them knows that Aleppo isn't a dog food. Twice a day. And I do believe it was Abraham Lincoln who said that no 14-letter-named person would ever be elected president. Or maybe that was Martin Van Buren, Franklin Pierce, Chester A. Arthur,

Teddy Roosevelt, Warren G. Harding, or Calvin Coolidge. but it was one of them one of them said that you made up those last two i did not for uh for anyone who's curious check geller's article on re geller.com oh please called are your eyesed to 11.11. Oh, no. It's not even 11. He's off. Nice. It goes into much more detail there and gives a lot more great examples of magical 11 stuff.

And they're so good. I'm going to list a few more here. Oh, please. Starting with the fact that Hell heaven sounds like 11 phonetically. Oh, you're fucking kidding me. Coincidence? I'm not asking. That's just another example.

The word coincidence has 11 letters. Oh, I see. Very creepy. Also, Pope Francis, Joseph Stalin, the Pentagon, the Pentagon, the Pentagon, the Civil War, World War I, if you spell out one, World War II, same way, World War III, if you use Roman numerals, David Blaine, and of course, Adolf Hitler. So, magic. I appreciate you confirming that David Blaine

is a Nazi and all, but I feel like Eli was implying that he didn't want you to bring up horrible people that make everybody hate magicians. Hitler's magic was upsetting. Watch me mix. These Jews disappeared. Feed me to it. And in Botswana bet news

tonight, we can now add Botswana to the ever-increasing list of countries that won't take Steven Anderson. After reporting last week that South Africa had denied his application for a visa, we're happy to report that the other African nation on his speaking tour also wised up this week and kicked him the fuck out. Botswana government figured out who he was, which came in the form of a radio interview where he was tricked into endorsing the execution of gays by being asked if he endorsed the execution of gays. And I would have

gotten away with it if it weren't for these pesky kids. Okay, well, now I want someone to pull off Steve Anderson's face. Well, not because it's a mask. I just want someone to I just want his face off for no particular purpose. Just off.

I have to say this radio interview was amazing. I saw the transcript. It was like the interview was just trying to get his gotcha question in quick before Anderson just volunteers that he's never read a magazine. At one point, Anderson is trying to, I don't know, walk back some of his more disgusting comments, but it only holds for the first half of a sentence. He says he's been asked about his comments in the wake of the Orlando shooting. He says, quote, I did not approve of a guy going in there and just shooting up the place, but I said I would not be sad about it or mourn about it because the victims were disgusting homosexuals who the Bible says are worthy of death, end quote. Now, it managed to get even worse when he was asked directly if he was a hate pastor.

His actual response was, quote, I do hate homosexuals. I only hate homosexuals, though. I do not hate other people, only homosexuals. End quote. Followed by, am I nailing this? I feel like I'm nailing this. Do I sound like Nazi Dr. Seuss? Perfect.

Perfect. That's what I'm going with. I do not like them eating steak. I do not like them buying cake. I do not like the gays Sam I am. Oh, go fund me that children's book. LZ, yeah. And I don't get to say this very

often, but you know what? Hats off to Botswana. Hats off to Botswana is the name of Heath and I's two-man flapper musical. Hats off to Botswana. Three, four, three, four. Make us proud. Oh, guys, come on. Not that much

visual humor on the audio show. They didn't come to the live show. This is extra punishment. I was twirling a cane there. That was pretty good. Box steps. No, so like after, like the nation of bots want to hear, before this motherfucker's even done with this radio interview, has sent some government folks around to pick him up and kick him the fuck out of their country.

Now, for his part anderson denies that report which came directly from the president of botswana and claims that he left the country voluntarily he just i guess made friends with a lot of federal police officers that wanted to see him off forcefully i guess he's the guy getting kicked out of a club. It's time to leave anyways. Time to leave anyways. I should have gone to my room anyway and played with my toys. I'm glad. I wanted to lie down out here for a bit. Thank you for setting me down in the gutter.

And in Watch a Cock work orange news tonight, Dave Hall believes himself to be the main character in a god-awful movie, which is why he was suspended from work at his Illinois SSI office for two days without pay this week for refusing to watch an LGBT-inclusive workplace training video. being taken to court by the aclu called the training video about not making the workplace terrible for gay people quote an abomination added you can't be a sort of christian any more than you can be sort of pregnant end quote which is ironic because call if you click on the article very clearly looks both but But not like glowing pregnant. Third kid. No need to pack a go bag, kid.

I'll smoke if I want to, pregnant. You know what I'm saying? Tweety bird pants pregnant. Honestly, he looks exactly like Peter Griffin got a third dimension. Doesn't he? Yeah, just anaphlobe. Just like that. All I could think of was reading this story, I really want to see this guy get attacked by a chicken.

Just please have a chicken attack him. Well, and two, look, the only reason you can't be sort of pregnant is because assholes like him block the entrances to Planned Parenthood. So I feel like that analogy breaks down on multiple levels. Yeah, that's fair. Hall, who works in information technology Has hired a lawyer and plans Read hopes, to go to court Over whether or not he needs to watch The video, but he takes issue with

The fact that the agency is making Anyone watch the video in the first place Saying, quote We have never done that for another particular Class of people We haven't done it for veterans, the disabled Blacks, Hispanics or anything else end quote not adding most good guys and stories use the term blacks right is blacks what they like to be called

not black people but blacks history will look back fondly on me in my opinions oh yes yes uh and i feel like we need to point out like look this isn't they're not asking him to watch gay porn. It's a video that features human beings that will later not fuck people of the opposite gender. Right. It was described by his employer as nothing but, quote, tips for increasing cultural awareness in a diverse and inclusive environment. End quote. So while we try to figure out a way to get Hall to try just the tips just to see how they feel, we're going to hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. We need to trick him with a bowl of soup.

A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. Welcome back to another segment of This Week in Misogyny. Welcome back to another segment of This Week in Misogyny,

the segment that even the comments section of YouTube doesn't want to play devil's advocate with. First up this week, something we can all agree with. The sentence, Arizona pastor, never ends well. It's right up there with Florida man and sentence subjects that are going to merit a fucked up predicate. And this week is no different because Arizona pastor Jose Morales was arrested last Friday for marrying a 10-year-old girl from his church. According to ABC 15,

Morales, who is 40 fucking 9, began dating the girl when she was 8, married her when she was 10, and got her pregnant when she was 13. But that's not all. Four other girls in his congregation have recently come forward claiming that Morales abused them, one at the age of seven. Currently, Morales is pleading guilty to molesting one of his 18-year-old congregants,

but denies the other allegations. And speaking of blame-shifting kid fuckers, former Ohio mayor and self-proclaimed dedicated Christian, Richard Keenan admits to raping a four-year-old girl, but claimed according to the court documents that his victim initiated sexual contact and was a willing participant. A four-year-old. He faces life in prison if convicted, but is currently out on bail.

But judging by how this year has gone so far, he'll get the key to the city as punishment or some shit. And while I'm on this smooth transitionist kick, speaking of super low punishment for a heinous crime, I've got some more news about that subject's poster boy, Brock Turner the Rapist, who was last seen trying to ramp up a speaking tour about the dangers of drinking and promiscuity. Yes, really. He wants to go around the country explaining why she was asking for it. And it appears he's found an ally in the human version of a blackhead removal video, Matt Forney,

who put out a call to his band of Twitter trolls this week asking for Brock Turner's victim's name so he could dox her. According to Forney, quote, either Brock Turner and Emily Doe should be anonymous or neither should be. Time to publish her name. Needless to say, this piece of shit is deserving of all the disdain I have for him. But I'm going to give you a bonus. I've heard a rumor or two that some listeners would really like to hear me go hard on this prick. And I just want to point out that I do count as a vulgarity for charity or as much as the other guys do. And I'm not saying that if a bunch of you donated money with the request that I handled the insult, I would totally rub it in Noah's face, but I totally would. And with that

gauntlet thrown down, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in unborn ultimatum news tonight, according to a recent report from the Telegraph, two different so-called crisis pregnancy centers in the UK are telling women who are thinking about terminating a pregnancy that abortions cause breast cancer, child abuse, and infertility. All of which is false if you ask fucking doctors. Right. Which I'm assuming is why these places don't have you speak with a doctor right away if at all instead you get a propaganda speech from someone at the front desk usually a british version of the monster energy drink lady that eli almost caused to light herself on fire at reason

rally guys i'm just saying we put a wig on me we hook up the mic we're going to england anyway i'm just saying dude i'm not doubting your, but that is the seventh time you've proposed something that requires you to wear a dress and hose in England. I just want to look nice for Marsh. He's pretty fuckable. He's pretty hot. Yeah. So we got this story thanks to undercover reporters who visited two of these pro-life

activism facilities and recorded conversations with the staff. At a pregnancy center in Luton, they were told that abortions are linked to breast cancer. False. No. Absolutely false. And at a location in London, they were told that you would become about 25% more likely

to have a miscarriage in future pregnancies. Falsity false. Indeed. And also that removing a jizz puddle makes it psychologically easier to later beat the shit out of a young child was also mentioned. Now, to be fair, though, there is a proven link between puddles of jizz and beating the shit. I think I see where they're getting that.

And I think we need the actual quote here they say that this was because women had to break quote natural barriers that surround the child that you don't cross end quote so their argument is once you kill your child your thirst for blood can never be quenched right right once he's tasted man flesh pregnant women are like the bear in the edge. Got it. If we've said it once, we've said it a thousand times. Pregnant women are like the bear in the edge. No illusions.

Okay, so to close it out with two quick points here. First of all, suck it. Pro-choice journalists can do sting operations too. Yeah, hells yeah. And we don't have to edit the recordings like a fucking Andrew Wakefield data set to make our point. All we have to do is use the phrase take care of it in the wrong way with the wrong tone and these people start spouting lies. And here's the other thing. Even if all that stuff they made up

was true, threats of child abuse and infertility probably isn't the best way to scare women who are actively trying to not become mothers. That's just dumb strategy. Learn to play. Oh, shit. And in flat bottom world's news tonight. atheist director and current delusional whack job ernest purse the fifths attempt to close the gap in the market left by timecube.com closing down was brought to our attention this week when two atheists noticed a minivan in a local supermarket parking lot marked checkmate atheist

yhwhsflatearth.com well Hard to believe nobody was squatting on that one. Right? Okay, well, I checked out the site. Oh, yeah. And I'll admit it does thoroughly debunk the atheist argument from Oblate Spheroid, which is a powerful argument. But I feel like his logic isn't quite airtight in a couple other sections. For example, the Holocaust did happen. Yes.

That's probably a good place to start if we're looking for a new angle, you know, to argue back against Mr. the Fifth. Skeptic! So the website, which, again, I cannot recommend enough going on, is Ernst's project to prove that the earth is flat and includes among other insane what should be poop scrawlings, several YouTube videos claiming that planes fly above the sun, that his children are in danger because they know the truth,

and more importantly, videos of him actually discussing these ideas with his kids. Like an episode of Bill Nye after a four-day meth vendor just billy tell him what you know tell him the real truth billy lay it flat well they are in danger and uh check out jesus was not a jew.org if you're interested that's the uh website we're talking about but either way we should probably squat on mlk was not a negro.com just for spite.

Because you know he's going to want that at some point. Squatting on MLK is a very specific genre of pornography that I own almost all of. We've literally done a 30 seconds about that porn genre, by the way. Episode 50, if you don't believe me. And that's unlocked now. And by the way, if you go to his site, and we'll have it linked at the very top of the show notes, be sure to side scroll as well. If you only go up and down, you're missing all the best insanity.

It goes on forever in every direction. The whole site is really a gem, but this part of his bio is my favorite, if I may. Quote, I was employed by Israel to anger the nation against ISLAM! All caps. Then, I received revelation from Ruach Hakodesh of Yuvv directly. Since then, my life has been a living hell. I've been in supermarkets, and people fall down and cry out in front of me

that they have found Ruach because of my website. Some people get mad at me and shout and scream. Teenagers have asked me about the flat and stationary earth in bewilderment and have renounced atheism. Let me tell you this. Everything I

thought I knew was and is completely wrong. End quote. I'm convinced that everything he thought he knew was and is still completely wrong. Yes, that's what he said. Do you think weird moment of clarity there?

Just like got lost in his own sentence. I've been there. When you see teenagers renouncing atheism, that has to be awesome. And finally tonight, in big gay algebra news, according to recent reports out of the UK, the Royal Grammar School in High Wycombe was very politely scolded by the non bigoted part of British society when it was discovered that they gave students a math test with a homophobic word problem. Yep. word problem. Yep. And not that this should matter, but we're talking about a public school, an all boys public boarding school in England where the headmaster wears long flowy robes like Dumbledore.

So obviously there's no place for heterosexuality there. It's inappropriate. Preaching heterosexuality in an all boys school is like teaching fasting in an all you can eat buffet. Preaching heterosexuality in an all-boys school Is like teaching fasting in an all-you-can-eat buffet Oh, sure And, uh So, if you're wondering how Numerical calculations could have a

Hetero bias That's good, you should be Because that's fucking crazy Hardly any of the numbers are gay Disagree Imaginary numbers are pretty gay All of them I guess

But they can multiply that's okay sure but palindromic numbers go both ways at least they're binary that's what i'm saying so tired of your binary erasure every time i edit all right so uh here's how they managed to hate gay people in a math problem. You ready? Okay. First, they allowed a homophobic Christian asshole who used to work there to volunteer

as a temporary math teacher. That's the start of your problem. Yeah, good start. And this person decided to reinstate his biblical math curriculum. And here's the actual question. So fucked up. That appeared on a test in 2016. In the UK, no less.

If in a town, 70% of the men are married to 90% of the women, and each marriage is between one man and one woman, as God intended when he made humans male and female, what percentage of the adult population are married end quote wow i mean that seems hard to answer i mean how many of the women are slaves what's the brother to widow ratio this is bullshit that's all i'm saying yeah it's a total trick question too because it doesn't say where the town is if this is utah or arizona then who the fuck knows what percent of those women are adults unknown Unknown variable. Right. D, need more information. So apparently this former instructor was originally a teacher in the antebellum United States because pretty sure he stole the idea for that question out of a math test from 1787. Problem said, if 32% of the Confederate population is black people, but in the union states, it's only 3%.

What sort of partial humanhood compromise should the North and South agree on in order to keep Congress and the Electoral College balanced? Right. Actually, that question was stolen out of the current Republican Party platform. I understand why you'd be confused. Black Lives Matter, 60%.

We want to negotiate, 62 see they're unreasonable they're shouting at us shouting can you believe that they yelled so uh yeah i'm glad this guy managed to keep the uh the new problem nice and topical though and and about equally offensive but once ken ham hears, he's going to want more examples for his fucking tests. So let's help out the Dominionists with a few more ideas for straight linear algebra class. Of course. 30 seconds on the clock. Homophobic word problems for Christian math class.

Go. Oh, all right. If a truck dragging Matthew Shepard is going 65 miles to go east, right out of the gate. How long does it take to leave Botswana? How many sodomite murdering stones should I carry if I walk to St. Ives? If you take the American LGBT population and subtract the ones at the Pulse nightclub in Orlando, how many African nations will Steven Anderson be denied entry into?

Oh, bringing the Botswana back, I like that. For every five Starbucks lattes John makes, he puts faggot semen in two of them. If Bill orders 15 lattes and drinks one at random, what are the chances he's gay now? That's a good one. I've already heard it up in my head. Yeah, that's good.

Again, Camp Quest will not return my calls. And I don't want to get into it. All right. How about an exponential growth thing? If a conversion therapist cures one gay person on January 1st and then two gay people the next day and then it doubles each day for the rest of the month.

How long before there's no more AIDS? Are you trying to distract me from a deadly plant virus? That's what I really want to know. I feel too. That's just for the GAM Patreon. All right, I got an algebraic one. NC plus HB2 minus ncaa equals minus hb2

solve for the sake of pat mcgrory's floundering re-election bid what lawsuit that's fun funny you guys are funny uh 25 of the class is gay 40 or girls 40 or boys of the, which one's the boy? All right, I got another velocity thing. All right, all right. If one gay person leaves San Francisco driving 60 miles an hour and another leaves New York driving 70, where's the last place each of them can legally purchase food before traveling through fucking ripper stand ripper stand i like i like and now that you say that i feel like i need a

pause to celebrate our escape one more time so we're gonna close the headlines right there heath eli thanks as always metal gear solid five i was just sure it was gonna be gay jenga and when we come back the corona will have not gotten any more interesting. Hi, is this the pregnancy center? Yes, of course, dearie. Come on in and have a seat. So, how can I help you today? Well, I was hoping you could give me some resources about abortion.

What was that? Oh, sorry, dearie, just a sneeze You were saying about wanting to murder your baby Um, okay, well, yeah, I was hoping you might be able to provide some resources You do call yourself a pregnancy crisis center That's true, we do call ourselves that Well, I'll just have you have a little lie down here on the ultrasound table. It'll give you a little ultrasound. Okay, why do I need an ultrasound? Well, we've got to get a good look at the baby first, otherwise the doctor won't know where it is and he might remove your butthole.

My butthole? Yes, dear, that's where the baby lives. Now, you see here, this is the head and the brain all filled with hopes and dreams of not being murdered. You're using the instrument on the arm of your chair, dude. And if you look here, you can see he's actually saying, Please, mummy, don't kill me. I want to live. I want to live. I'm going to cure AIDS, mummy. That is very clearly a post-it note you put on the screen of the ultrasound machine. See? Look.

Oh, my goodness, you pulled it right through the screen. You must be some kind of wizard like David Angel. Right. So are you going to give me some resources on abortion or? Oh, absolutely, dear. Just need to make you aware that if you have an abortion, its ghost will haunt you forever. And I know because I had an abortion. Look, look, look. Oh, there it is. Oh, mommy. Why did you murder me? Why, mommy? Why? Oh, there it is. Oh, Mommy, why did you murder me? Why, Mommy, why? Oh, there it is. What a terrible specter I've visited upon myself. That's a sock puppet. Now, what kind of way is that to talk about someone's child?

No, Mommy, no. Hey, folks, for those of you who missed it last week, just want to remind everybody that we're currently running our second Vulgarity for Charity fundraiser. It's a chance for you to have us, the guys over at Cognizant, and possibly a guest roaster give someone in your life the tongue-lashing they deserve. Guest roasters include Andrew Torres and Thomas Smith of Opening Arguments, Callie Wright and Ari Stillman of The Atheist Manifesto,

Tracy Harris of The Atheist Experience, David Smalley over at Dogma Debate Radio, and more folks yet to be announced. As of this recording, we've already raised over $8,000, and the outpouring of support has been so overwhelming that we've decided to extend the deadline to donate until the 30th of September. So again, if you want to play along, all you need to do is make a donation of $20 or more at modestneeds.org and then send proof to vulgarityforcharity, that's the word for it, not the number, at gmail.com. Again, vulgarityforcharity at gmail.com, along with who you'd like us to roast. Pictures help if that person isn't famous

give 50 or more and you'll have a chance to win a roast not only from us but from one of our special guest roasters as well and the stuff we plan to make these people say is worth your money i promise and with a huge thanks to everybody who's already donated and a reminder to check out the monday episode of cog diss for the first round of insults we'll get back to the show I want to start off this segment with a little bit of advice for all our Muslim listeners. See, a lot of Christians think the Quran is a wall-to-wall bloodfest about proper Jew boiling technique, but a lot of moderate Muslims are making a concerted effort to explain to the world that that's only part of their book. Now look, after reading more than 80% of this book, I can say with certainty you're better off with this misconception. Look, Muslims, let people think your book is badass and evil because if they look past the murdery bits,

all they're going to see is definitive confirmation that some schizophrenic yelled at a guy with a pen for 23 years. Yeah, and not in a good way like john nash muhammad never quite managed any uh nobel quality stuff did he no also that reminds me it's been a couple weeks since i told the guy who sent us the apologetics email to go fuck himself fuck you dude check and of course fresh from pouring over our wedding vows to see if breakdown holy books on a tri-wheely basis is actually there is my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back. You clearly wrote that with a crayon after the fact, by the way.

I just said it was there. I never said how long it had been there. So why don't you start us off with Surah 41, the surah whose name doth protest too much, alternately titled Expounded, Explained in Detail, Clearly Spelled Out, Revelations Well Expounded, and I'm the Awesomest at Writing Books. And we learn early on in this one that Muslim God isn't taking any shit off of vapor. In verse 11, he says, He turned to the heaven when it was vapor and said to it and the earth, Come willingly or unwillingly.

They both said willingly. He was going to rape the vapor. Yeah, the least rapey thing God has done in a holy book to date. Two points. Yeah. Right. Right. If they both came, the willingly part seems redundant.

Plus, he's creating the universe here. You can't give him a hard time for just like two days of action, and it's been nothing but good behavior since. Anyway. What about God's swim times? Then God made the stars, so if any demons show up, he can attack them with star missiles. Yes. Yeah.

So apparently Reagan stole that idea from the crowd. Then we get an awesome new image for Judgment Day. It says when evildoers approach for judgment, quote, their ears, eyes, and skin will testify against them for their misdeeds. End quote. And how can you not literally picture somebody's eye with a little mouth going, he jerked off in the shower and made me watch. Shut up, eyes. Shut up, ears. Shut up, ears.

Poor skin gets all mad. shower and made me watch. Shut up, guys. Shut up, ears. Shut up, ears. Foreskin gets all mad. I can tell you firsthand, firsthand about everything that happened. You wouldn't believe what I've been going through. Well, there's your outright there, guys. Just line up behind me and you'll be standing in line for all eternity. Yeah, right.

Please stop. Stop. It's fine. Just go to hell. No, my elbow's still talking. There's so many chickens in that coop. So many chickens in that coop. Sorry about your elbow. But doesn't this also show what a half-ass god Allah is? He can't even keep track of shit without asking your skin and your eyes what you've been up to.

Get some omniscience, asshole. Right? And then we close on a classical bit of, well, if they doubt my claims, I'll claim them again, argumentation, and this one is over. Yeah.

Nice to have everything so clearly expounded. And then we're off to Surah 42, titled, alternatively, Life, the Universe, and Everything. But not really, because this book sucks, so it's called The Consultation. Yeah.

And apparently this is where God revealed to Muhammad that he needed to go take over Mecca. And again, if you want a clear idea how limited the scope of Muhammad's knowledge is, he refers to Mecca as the mother of all cities. Yeah. Constantinople, Baghdad, Beijing, and Ogallala, Nebraska. Oh, man. How great would the Hajj be in Nebraska? Oh, damn it.

It keeps you warm. They'd be running. We do have no Jews here, though. We've already got plenty of experience with religious idiots and stampedes. Yeah, exactly.

This is also where it says that God could have made heaven and hell just, you know, right next to each other adjacent so the good Muslims could watch the Jews suffer like a

torture zoo, but he chose not to. Which means, Muhammad was clearly pissed about there not being a torture zoo. He must have asked, yeah. Much like myself. People at the Disneyland complaint departments are very rude.

Foreskins off for Harambe. He also explains that you can tell Islam is the right religion because it hasn't divided into sects like Christianity and Judaism. You're still writing the fucking book, bro. This would be like a movie advertising itself as the newest. Right. Also, in modernity, that may be the most damning, considering all the aprae and erdermae, you know?

What? Too Sunni? Aisha's too old for the Shiites. Shit, I love his little bullshit lament about her stubbornness, too. In verse 17, he says, What will it take to convince you? I love his little bullshit lament about our stubbornness, too. In verse 17, he says, what will it take to convince you? And I'm all like, you know, evidence of any sort, maybe. He says, okay, yeah, but what other than evidence?

Yeah. Just a little bit of scribe hell again. I'm here for you. And by the way, in Muhammad's mind, a lot of what makes heaven paradise seems to be watching other people march into hell. He lovingly describes what that's going to be like constantly. Yeah. He is really lobbying for that torture zoo. He wants to see him go in at least. He'll have those coin-op binoculars in heaven.

It's not quite the same. They're pretty good. God's not great, but he's okay. And then it's on to Surah 43, the gold adornments. And this makes three Surahs in a row that start off by saying, this chapter is going to make

so much sense, y'all. You can tell that was the complaint he was fighting against. That's because Muhammad is the ancient Arabic version of the friend who goes, but wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Check this out.

I call it B-flat. word singing and one of my favorite things about the quran is that at least half of it is just it's just out of the gaps but it's frozen in time so instead of oh yeah if there's no god explain a biogenesis in the cause of the big bang it's stuff like oh yeah if there's no god explain abiogenesis and the cause of the big bang it's stuff like oh yeah if there's no god then explain where rain and boats come from exactly how many fingers dude i'm standing behind you okay how many now still right behind you bro three he literally goes back to the boat thing he does it says i provided you with ships and animals on which to ride. Like half this book might as well be Muhammad rapping with T-Pain. I'm on a boat. Riding on a dolphin doing flips and shit.

Take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat. Really? He also seems to think that couches made of silver would be a good comfortable thing. Oh, we don't think that? Okay. Well, if you'll excuse me, I have a birthday gift of heaths to return. Too late now. Too late now.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. The Saudi version also mentions elevators, silver elevators from the 7th century. So they're just going to store credit. Oh, nice. Okay. I'll give you a gift certificate.

Just when you thought being an infidel was going to suck, we learned in verse 36 that we each get our own personal devil, which is cool. Chained to us, no less. And again, I just feel bad for my Satan, just like really, man? Chinese food? It's 4 a.m. Hungry.

Okay. Most people are sleeping now again though the Saudi version is way more interesting it says we infidels get a Satan to be our quote intimate companion we get a demon

fuck buddy don't save me a bunch of money on action figures and that's all the that that you get I guess because now we're on to Sarah 44 the That would save me a bunch of money on action figures. And that's all the that that you get, I guess, because now we're on to Sarah 44, the smoke. Yeah, and apparently the smoke in the chapter title refers to a day when God will prove he exists by sending clouds of smoke from the skies, also known as clouds, which will envelop the people. So there will someday be fog. That's his big opening prediction for Surah 44.

There will be fog. We also get Muhammad trying to establish that he's not ignorant, like everyone says. Yeah, right. And he does this by hiding the compliment that's not real inside an insult. He claims that all the non-believers

called him, quote, educated. Yeah, but crazy. So what's the opposite of a humble brag? Is it? I guess it's a lie. Also, it reads like he thinks Egypt isn't there anymore. Did nobody tell him it was? Oh, Mo likes object permanence.

Just like, no, Mo. Moon isn't gone forever. I'm telling you, Mo likes object permanence. Just like, no, Mo. Moon isn't gone forever. I'm telling you, put it in the book. Put it in the book that I invented the moon and I'm mad now and they're not getting it back until everyone admits that I'm smart and handsome but a little bit on the wacky side.

Is this a good Tinder bio? And about 80% of the questions Muhammad asks are nowhere near as rhetorical as he seems to think they are like in verse 37 he says like were the people of egypt any better than the people of tubba like we're supposed to know whether or not that was they were and especially after they've died already i I mean, that's just tub of thumping. And then he closes out the chapter with more about the boiling water.

It's going to make everyone get that annoying, empty stomach feeling. Yeah. And it actually gets dumber this time. I really don't think he understands what boiling water is because he gets all angry and starts yelling like, taste it! Taste the boiling water! Like, the flavor is boiling water. Taste the nothing. And then I guess rather than desperately

scraping through that one for more something that he hasn't said before, we're going to push forward to Surah 45, The Kneeling Down, which, spoiler alert, has no blowjobs in it. Oh, damn. 20 bucks, Heath. 20 bucks. And we get an early checkmate question from Muhammad when he

asks, if you don't believe in this revelation of God, which revelation of God do you believe in? And is his bigger than mine? I just inferred that last part. Girthier margins, scribe. What are you talking about? And that and some more people who don't listen to me are going to burn in hell stuff.

And then we're on to Sarah 46, the dunes. And this one is going to start off with some more of my revelation is bigger than yours talk. Yeah, right. And it's so fucking stupid because he's the one claiming that books of revelations are the indicator of holiness. It would be like me saying, like, I have the biggest magical paper mache Power Ranger in the world. You saying it's not magical and me insisting you prove it by showing me a bigger

magical paper mache Power Ranger. Yeah, this is the religious version of, well, my dad weighs 10 million billion infinity pounds. Yeah. And then one verse later, Muhammad accidentally grants magical powers to an enormous papier-mâché

power. Right. He basically says, just wait for judgment day, you fucking heathens. You're all going to pray to your false deities, but they're going to stop doing magical God stuff with... Fuck. Continue not doing magical God stuff. Just like the whole time, how they weren't before.

Still not doing it. Yeah, but that argument may actually be better than his second one, which is, well, if I'm making all of this God will burn people in hell stuff up, God would burn me in hell. Yeah, right. And you can tell how desperate he's getting because in verse 10 he says, okay, what if I find a Jew who says this shit sounds legit? Would you believe me if I had a Jew? He really does. He does. What about a Jew who says this shit sounds legit. Would you believe me if I had a Jew? He really does. He does. What about a Jew with glasses? A black friend of religious testimony.

Right, right. There's also a ton of, and hey, this book's so accurate that if I weren't telling you I wasn't a sorcerer, people would totally think I'm a sorcerer, which is how you know I'm not a sorcerer. I'm a prophet.

Exactly. And now I'm not a sorcerer. I'm a prophet. Exactly. And now I'm going to tell you more about my wizard magic while drinking this glass of water. Don't write that down. Subscribe. And when they're not circular, they're just insane. Like after that, he says, and remember that time god sent a bunch of

demons to listen to the quran and the demons all thought it was really good how do you explain that what what yeah sure you assholes don't like it but deburr and raper gave it two tentacles up and then we move on to our final surah of the night, number 47, the self-titled Muhammad. Yeah. Honestly, I half expected them to call this chapter just me, the guy who's talking now. And we finally get some more explicit instructions to murder and enslave non-Muslims. Right. I'll be honest.

I was starting to think that, you know, Muhammad was getting a little soft there. Sure. Back in my younger days, I told you to kill some people. But now that I'm older, I look back at my life and I wonder, how do you explain boats? But no, verse four, quote, when you meet those who deny the truth in battle, strike them in the neck. And once they are defeated, make them prisoners. End quote. So official position of the religion of peace,

karate chop people in the throat. To be fair, though, my version says strike off their hand and make the rest slaves. Exactly. That's what most of them say. But now, of course, it does say you can ransom them off

after the war is over, so let's not leave out the most moral parts. And then he makes with a description of Muslim heaven. And it sounds like a four-year-old telling you about the magical land in their closet. Doesn't it? Apparently, there's a water river, a milk river. Seems really fucking gross, but okay. It doesn't change flavor, guys.

It doesn't change flavor. Says in the book. There's also a wine river, which I can get behind, and a honey river. And all the beds are made of wet sugar. Right. Really? Also, there's a lot of fruit. And you can tell that even the scribe was looking at him going, that's it?

You don't want me to maybe add streaks of gold or a few virgins? Sounds kind of crazy. Because right after that, he launches into this unprovoked reminder that the other option is bowel-boiling soup world. Yeah, right. Well, in my version, he takes a minute

to point out how clever that is. He's like, you see, the good people get water, so do the bad people. I'm going to tell you what a great poet I am

in a second. Right. And I'd love to live in a world where this went without saying, but books of true stuff never formulate their arguments along the lines of, you know, the square of the hypotenuse is equal to the sum of the square of the other two

sides because if not, demons will melt your balls. This is not how true shit works. But I'm opening to trying. See how fast black lives start mattering if waterboarding is involved. Oh, shit. Yeah.

I think it's about time for some affirmative action style Tuskegee experiment. Oh, shit. You see that, people who tweeted me? You were right about us all along. Not me. Kill Whitey. Yeah.

At Ishmael Brown. Egan Andler. then it closes with a reminder that guy can take his ball and go home and make all new friends to play with if we don't let him play quarterback doesn't it and i guess we're going to close there as well five more segments to go and the smart money's on muhammad having nothing new to say in any of them so i guess we'll sign off the segment with the depressing admission that we're very likely the first four people in human history to think to themselves, boy, I can't wait until I'm reading the Book of Mormon. It's in my mouth. I'm excited for the wooden submarines. The underwear.

Before we jiggle the handle tonight, I want to remind you to check us out on the upcoming episode of the Cognitive Dissonance podcast. We're going to be doing round one of the Vulgarity for Charity Insults with Tom and Cecil early next week. We're super excited about it. We've already raised over $8,000 for Modest Needs, and we've still got more than a week to go. Again, check out the show notes for a link to Modest Needs, or check out skatingatheist.com for all the details on how you can get involved. Anyway, that's all the blasph Movie we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode

of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 8 a.m. Eastern Time on Tuesday. And if even that's too long to wait, hey, guess what? We also just unlocked a shit ton of old Skating Atheist episodes as well. Up until this week, iTunes would only let you go back

to like 100 episodes deep in our archives, but we switched up our hosting a bit, and now everything that we've ever recorded should be showing up in your feed, so if you ever wondered what we would sound like if we had way shittier microphones and less experience, we're pleased to make that possible for you. Obviously, this would be a sad excuse for an outro if I didn't thank Heath Enright in advance for going easy on me in our week three matchup. Just lost Abdullah, bro. Bet you're not awesome enough at fantasy football to beat me with Calvin Benjamin on your bench. Also need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for 20 consecutive years of putting up with my shit.

Huge thanks as well to Eli Bosnick for taking on way more than his fair share of the work to make Vulgarity for Charity such a success. And a huge thanks, too, to Patrick for providing this week's Farnsworth quote and an education to the next generation of Akronites. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's grooviest group. Dion, Drew, Chuck, Brian, Albert, Sonny, and William, Trenton, Becky, Katie, Shelley, Michelle, Ann, Linda, Randall, Nicholas, Brad, Stephen, Joseph, Adam, Patrick, and Matthew. Randall, Dion, Drew, Chuck, Brian, Albert, Sonny, and William, and Trenton, who are so hot Venusians have trouble landing probes on their surface. Becky, Katie, Shelley, Michelle, Ann, and Linda, whose sexual magnetism has flipped more poles than the Earth's liquid metal core could ever dream of.

And Nicholas, Brad, Stephen, Joseph, Adam, Patrick, and Matthew, whose flashlights ask them to use just the tip. Together, these 21 wizened and witty whizzes were willing to widen our wages and weigh in on our web war against the worshipping wackos this week by giving us money. You, too, can give us money. You can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended edition of every episode,

or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you spent all your expendable income donating to families in need at modestneeds.org, good on ya. Like where your head's at. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did

have my permission. My butthole? Yes, dear, that's where the baby lives. Let me take it back. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved.