The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 189: Vulgarity for Charity 2 Edition

Episode Date: September 29, 2016

In this week’s episode, Canada decides to borrow some american stupid, Donald Trump gets a magical demon shield to help with his debate prep, and Tom and Cecil join us to make people regret asking us to roast their loved ones. If you’d like to donate to Modest Needs, you can find them here: https://www.modestneeds.org/ You can hear more from Tom and Cecil here: http://dissonancepod.com/ If you’d like to donate to The Scathing Atheist on Patreon, you can: https://www.patreon.com/scathingatheist Headlines: Study: Most people leave church because they stop believing in bullshit: http://religionnews.com/2016/09/22/why-most-people-leave-religion-they-just-stop-believing/ Canada to get its very own Ark Park: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/22/saskatchewan-man-gets-green-light-to-build-1-2-million-bible-theme-park-with-noahs-ark-exhibit/ Gary Johnson: Climate Change no problem, because the sun will consume the earth in four billion years: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/23/gary-johnson-why-bother-tackling-climate-change-when-the-sun-will-eventually-engulf-the-earth/ Oregon parents oppose astrology class for all the wrong reasons: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/21/oregon-citizens-fight-astrology-class-saying-it-will-lead-to-skinning-cats-and-sacrificing-babies/ Christians lay hands on Trump to protect him from satanic attack: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/22/christians-put-hands-on-donald-trump-to-protect-him-from-concentrated-satanic-attack/

Warning, the following podcast contains explicit language acting as a modifier for other explicit language. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new fundraiser supported by generous assholes. It's vulgarity for charity. Do you lack a source of absolute morality? Did you manage to guess that giving money to poor people was a good thing anyway? Do you harbor a visceral hate for lots of public figures, friends, and family?

Well, that's perfect for our new campaign. Vulgarity for Charity. Roasting in Hell for Good Without God. And now, The Skating Atheist. It's Thursday It's September 29th And Heath murdered a guy and got away with it That makes me smart No illusions

I'm Eli Bosnick I'm Heath Enright And from New York, New York And Secret Lair, Pennsylvania This is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Canada decides to borrow some American stupid, Donald Trump gets a magical demon shield to help with his debate prep, and Tom and Cecil join us to make people regret asking us to roast their loved ones. But first, the diatribe.

Shortly after Lucinda and I moved in together, she heard from a friend that she hadn't seen in years. Some chicks she used to get high with in middle school had just moved back into town and called her up to see if they could get together and lucinda was crazy stoked apparently the two of them were inseparable until they were separated okay shit word choice but they were really good friends you get the idea so we invite her to our new place the next day and by the time she gets here lucinda's had plenty of time to really talk this chick up you know in school the two of them had been kindred spirits amid a flood of southern baptists so when she she shows up, I'm expecting this free-thinking,

don't-give-a-fuck, anti-theistic party animal, and that is not at all what we got. See, in the intervening years, Lucinda's friend had found Jesus. She had quit her sinful ways. She stopped drinking, stopped getting high, stopped using naughty words, stopped dressing comfortably, and stopped being fun to hang out with. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying you have to drink and get high and cuss and dress dressing comfortably and stop being fun to hang out with. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying you have to drink and get high and cuss and dress a certain way to be fun to hang out with.

Generally speaking, you just have to be yourself. But, of course, she'd also stop doing that. So, very clearly disappointed, Lucinda asked her why. And quite literally, that was the question. She says, I'm a Christian now. And Lucinda just stares at her for a second and goes, why? And as much as it cracked me up at the moment, it's a fair question. Look, the two of them had spent years commiserating about the damage that religion did to the people around them.

So how could she set all that aside? Did she stop knowing the stuff she used to know? Did she hear some exemplary apologetic that changed her mind? And I'll never forget her fucking answer. She just said, you know, life is so much simpler now. And you know what? I'll grant her that. Life gets really fucking simple

when you just let somebody else do all your thinking for you. Life is full of tough questions and tough problems and the answers are often way too complex. I completely sympathize with a person who just gets overwhelmed by all the shit life's throwing at them

and looks for a simpler option than actually solving their problems. I've done that shit myself from time to time. You know, I mostly use drugs and self-destructive behavior, but it serves the same purpose, and as it happens, it works equally well. Because the sad fact is, there is no simple. Simple is an illusion that we pick up from TV shows and charlatans. Simple is a sales pitch. If you want a simple life, go find yourself a good coma. But if you want a lie, if you want

somebody to offer you a simple that isn't really there, well, lucky you, we've got a church for that. If you're depressed about the death of a loved one, the real answer is a long mourning process that never quite zeros out. But the simple answer is a post-mortem surprise party. If you're struggling to find your place in the world, hey, welcome to humanhood. We'll be with you eventually, maybe. Now, if you actually want to solve that problem, it's going to take you at least a decade. And by then, the answer will have changed and you'll have to start over. Pretty fucking complicated. But if you want to simple it up a bit, no worries. God already knows the purpose of your life, so it

doesn't even matter that you don't. Facing a complicated task that you're not certain you're going to succeed at? Well, you could practice a lot and study a lot and do your damnedest, but if that's too complicated, you could always pray instead. Now, of course, none of the simple solutions work. Even the religious person who professes a belief that they'll meet their loved one again in heaven still mourns for him. Turns out your brain doesn't really give a shit what you're consciously trying to convince yourself of. It still misses the shit out of grandma and knows it'll never see her again. And God having a plan doesn't make sorting your own purpose out any easier. Prayer doesn't improve your test scores.

But it does make those problems really easy to ignore for a while. And, you know, it's not just the big emotional issues. Religion can work its magic on all the big intellectual dilemmas as well. Evolution is hard to get your head around. Big Bang cosmology is hard to understand. Quantum physics is counterintuitive as hell. But if you're willing to opt for simple over-sedulish, you can just spackle over all those gaps in your knowledge with a single infinitely malleable deity. Again, you run into the same problem with all your answers being wrong and useless, but at least you don't have to come to grips with your

own ignorance very often. Ideally, you could live in a world where other people figure all that shit out, invent the smartphone, and then sell it to you so you can use it to tell people how wrong science is. And I get it. I get the appeal of throwing your hands up in the air and letting Jesus take the cerebral wheel. Life is frustrating and complicated and hard and it never makes any fucking sense. So I understand why a person would hide from reality in a building dedicated to a fictional character and try to drown out their nagging questions with a hymn. Because like A. Joe Mencken said, for every complex problem there's an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong. And nothing's clearer, simpler, or wronger than God. But you can't solve problems from a pew and you can't answer questions with a prayer.

Christianity had the entire Dark Ages and then some to prove that. If you want to advance, you have to embrace the complexity and accept your ignorance. You have to beat it back where you can, sure, but at the same time you also have to come to grips with the fact that there will always be way more questions you can't answer than the ones that you can, and you have to leave the simple answers to the people with the minds that match them. simple answers to the people with the minds that match them. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the apostates with the prostates,

Heath Fenright and Elon Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to urinate with increasing difficulty as you age? I think it's actually good for me, though. I'm doing like eight or nine sit-ups every night when I have to get out of bed each time. That's six-pack on its way. Well, I hate it. You're too sleepy to aim, and it gets all over my sleeping bag. It's just because it splits streams sometimes. Whatever.

In our lead story tonight, according to a new study from the Public Religion Research Institute, the biggest problem facing religion in America is the fact that it's bullshit. According to the study titled Exodus, Why Americans Are Leaving Religion and Why They Are Unlikely to Come Back, the majority of Americans who leave religion do so because they realize that it's not true, most often between the ages of 16 and 30. So, despite David A.R. White's

fervent protestations, the primary driver of atheism turns out not to be cancer of the mom. Okay, but why do you hate God wasn't even a question they asked, so I call shenanigans. Alright, well now I want to see Sorbo on a debate stage with a six-year-old. Why do you hate Santa Claus? Answer the question,

you fucking heathen. Why do you hate him? December 2018, Santa's not dead. Fun that. Included in the survey were a series of questions for non-religious people that asked respondents which of several factors were important in their decision to leave the religion of their youth. And of the available options, you stop believing in your religion's teaching was the overwhelming

favorite, with a full 60% of respondents identifying this as an important factor. 29% reported they were motivated by the religion's negative attitude and treatment of gays, and a depressingly low 19 19 were motivated by all the kid fucking less than one-fifth reported that a traumatic life experience was a major factor in their apostasy and like all of this is good news but it's a little weird that 10 more people are bothered less by the rape and torture of children than they are like homophobia right this must be what it feels like to be an undecided voter this year i mean they're both bad that's fucking crazy let's think about this for a second 81 of people who left their religion must have assumed that like international kid fucking

conspiracy is just a thing they're like everyone's doing we're gonna factor that in when they decide to leave or they left despite that which is even more terrifying and in you must build a boot news tonight america's cooler older brother canada who has pot in a cigar box and buys you porn knocked up his college girlfriend this week when the town of moose Jaw, Saskatchewan, approved the development of a $1.2 million Bible-based theme park complete with Noah's Ark exhibit. Of course. All right, but look, when your city already has a 32-foot-tall, 10-ton concrete moose, do you really need more tourist attractions? I mean, come on, guys.

Save a few of these tourist dollars for the folks in Tuxford and Eyebrow, you greedy assholes. Eyebrow. A city so clearly named at the last minute. Right. So, Steve, what do we call in your town? Eyebrow. You saying things you see or do you want your city to be called Eyebrow?

I'm sticking with Eyebrow. They get to the next city. Vagina. What? What? No. No. Stop looking at porn.

We're not naming any cities vagina. I said rugina. Rug. Oh, yes. Anyway, Mark Loire, who obviously wants to take advantage of the dozens of people who have visited Ken Ham's attraction, believes the theme park, which is being built on an old cemetery, will be a fantastic tourist attraction, like so many successful things built on old cemeteries saying quote you know how many people go to vatican city how many people go to jerusalem

to the wailing wall oh well once the word gets out and we start marketing it i think it'll be a real tourist attraction for moose draw plus it's going to enhance the cemetery. What? Hopefully, people will want to be buried here. Oh, Jesus. And he may be right. After all, look what a fitting place Ken Ham's Ark Park has been to bury U.S. taxpayer money. Are you right? And look, I mean, I get it. If you're trying to attract tourists to Saskatchewan, you can't restrict yourself only to live ones.

I get it. I get it. Makes sense. And in how Aleppo got its pot news tonight, Libertarian presidential candidate, Lutheran former bong dealer, and baseball mitna suit

Gary Johnson continued his campaign last week and seems to have shifted his focus away from the election. Instead, it appears he's lobbying for a spot on a reality show called Are You Smarter Than Sarah Palin? After asking what's an Aleppo during a recent interview, some journalists decided to go back and find out what else he's grossly ignorant about. And one of those things is apparently global warming, which he claimed won't really be an issue anymore once the sun envelops the earth yeah so yeah no worries

right dealing with global warming would be like administering medicine to a mortal what man all those gary johnson people on my facebook got quiet real fast didn't they he right where'd y'all go where'd y'all go i thought you wanted him at the debates were you worried they'd ask who the former president of mexico was so he just forgot his name on television so uh here's what johnson said during a press conference in 2011 about climate change quote in billions of years the sun is going to actually grow and encompass the earth, right? So global warming is in our future, end quote. Well, not ours. Although he is willing to acknowledge that human-caused climate change does exist, and he agrees that 97% of scientists probably aren't being paid by China to run an elaborate hoax on this, he's not ready to do anything about it. Right.

Instead, he called for more coal-fired plants and for everyone to consider the bigger picture, the multi-billion year bigger picture. Right, right. Yeah, honesty isn't always a virtue, bro. Just lie, right? I mean, I don't give a fuck about humanity or I don't believe in science.

It should never be the choice, but if it it is at least pretend it's the latter are we 100 sure gary johnson isn't leaving a sequel to liar liar i don't even think i'm 80 on that one yeah so uh i guess this all makes sense considering a big part of the libertarian platform is don't do anything ever right they stole that idea from my sex technique very zen do nothing ruin nothing it's a fascinating philosophical ideology great for tibetan monks and naked eli apparently but both doesn't or both great point but uh it doesn't really work that well when your job is elected representative of the public who's supposed to help solve problems. Right.

Yeah. So unless we're down to literally zero problems by November, I'm going to vote for that stumbly bitch Hillary. I guess so. Really? Even though three polls that don't exist say she lost? Okay, Mr. Optimist. In four billion years, those polls won't even be an issue.

They'll have melted. And in Here's Your Sign news tonight, the town of Canyonville, Oregon, has one of those fun little laws on the books since 1982 that forbids occult arts, including fortune-telling, astrology, phrenology,ology palmistry clairvoyance mesmerism and spiritualism they had a phrenology problem one of these things is not like the anyway last week at a town council meeting she proposed repealing the ban so that she could start

teaching astrology and doing terror readings and why not what are we a bunch of paranoid delusional assholes and apparently the answer is yes because the entire town council meeting proceeded to go fucking insane like stephen baldwin just suggested starting a bible club there's no place in this town for teaching racist old books with magic that doesn't work we are christians we are why are you holding up a black pot and a kettle that means nothing to me i don't for teaching racist old books with magic that doesn't work. We are Christians. Why are you holding up a black pot in a kettle? That means nothing to me. I don't understand what's happening.

Well, according to the news review, one dissenter present compared her request to opening a house of prostitution. Which means that at some point, that dude's wife convinced him that she was just reading the UPS guy's poem. That's impressive as hell. Well, his pants fell off while I was... Go to work, Jerry.

Go to work. Another said, quote, If repealing the ordinance brings in occult practices, it will develop into Satanism, which practices the skinning of cats or whatever. What? While another added, What about if they want to sacrifice babies too,

Dale? That's a religion too. And I got my favorite part of that is Dale. What about babies too, Dale? Fucker. Hold on though, but Planned Parenthood is already established.

That's a thing. Baby killerism is approved by the Supreme Court. We've had that. Nothing they do at this point. And also apparently it's approved by spell check too baby killer is it is yeah it auto-corrects most words to it and just to be clear after suggesting there's a religion called baby killer ism he did not add proper religion sacrificed one guy allegedly like a while ago get out of here with that crazy talk yeah right and finally tonight from the hell to pay file donald trump obviously didn't need to worry about getting ready for his first debate with hillary clinton

so instead of memorizing one single substantive answer to a question Wrong, wrong He focused instead on building an invisible demon wall around himself After which I'm assuming he'll be sending the bill to Satan At 1 Hell Street Hell, hell 00666 I thought we were keeping our new address a secret.

Secret lair. Yeah. It's okay. Satan knows Trump never pays his bills anyway. So, this all happened last week when Trump attended the Midwest Vision and Values Pastors Leadership Conference in Cleveland, Ohio, which is an event hosted by lunatic pastor Darrell Scott, who looks like an evil steroid version of Steve Urkel. Oh, God, he does. Stefan Herkel. And it seems the purpose was to lay hands on the Donald

in order to give him a magical force field of protection against the Prince of Darkness, whose attack against Trump was prophesied by some other lunatic pastor in 2015. And this involved a bunch of Christians laying hands on Trump, which, of course, he couldn't do himself, what with his tiny little baby hands. No, of course. They don't reach past the atomic field.

The magical Jesus gala also included Trump's running mate, Pence, his lots of black friend Ben Carson, and of course, boxing promoter Don King. Three respected political figures, if ever there were. Right? Where the fuck did you get that motley crew? And yeah, just to give you an idea of what the stage looked like, imagine these people. Imagine Pence, then Trump, then Carson, then Don King all lined up next to each other. In particular, imagine the hair. They looked like a four-panel illustration of what would happen if you lit Mike Pence's head on fire. Almost exactly. Only one way to find out.

All right, well, we're all pretty excited about the Satan attack on Trump. I think we've been doing a great job helping out. And to close it out, I think it's about time for phase three. So we're going to take a page out of the David Duke playbook and have Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness, give Trump an endorsement. Good call. We'll need 30 seconds on the clock. Slogan ideas for Satan's Trump-endorsing sabotage campaign. Go.

Satan for Trump. Playing fast and Lucifer with the soul of America. What about Demons for Donald? Comb over to the dark side. Comb over to the dark side. How about Hell Loves Trump? It's been a lot cooler down here since he got the nomination. Imps for Donald torture.

That makes me smart. What about, never forget 7-Eleven. Plenty of vacancy for the Muslims down here. How about, Trump and Satanism. Where do you think he got that skin cat for his head anyway? Lucifer endorses Trump trump let's get an upstairs on this bitch right all right what about satan for trump i like people who weren't raptured oh so good there's a bumper sticker and quick before anybody intentionally veers into oncoming

traffic at the thought of that dipshit actually getting elected, we'll close out the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Marbles. And when we come back, Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance will be here to verbally abuse people for money. I just wanted to offer a quick apology to those of you who tuned in bright and early at 8 a.m. last week just to discover that for the first time in 187 episodes, our release was actually delayed. And we thought we'd take a moment to explain why. In fact, we actually managed to capture some audio of all those technical difficulties as they took place. Okay, all right.

So you're sure that this is what you really, really want for your birthday? Don't do this. It's not a good idea. Really? Are you sure? Okay. All right. Well,'re sure that this is what you really, really want for your birthday? Don't do this. It's not a good idea. Really? Are you sure? Okay. All right. Well, no, it's what he wants. So, okay, you just have to click this button, and that will release the episode.

Got it. He's not going to do it right. He's going to do something else. Okay. No, it's so simple. It's so simple. All you have to do is click right here on publish. Just click there.

That's it. That's all you have to do. You got it? Totally. Got it. A hundred percent. All right, man. Happy birthday. Just click there. That's it. That's all you have to do. You got it? Totally. Got it. A hundred percent. All right, man. Happy birthday.

Go right ahead. All files deleted. And there it is. No. What did I just say? Why? How the fuck did you even do that? God damn it.

All right. I'll go get the mics. No, he deleted the entire computer. Prank war. Prank war. Prank war. Prank war. Prank war.

Prank war. Prank war. Prank war. Prank war. Prank war. Prank war. Prank war. And we're back for a little more Vulgarity for Charity

And before we get to all this shit talking insult stuff I want to open up with a very sincere thanks To all the people who reached into their pockets To make this thing such a success I'm sure I speak for the whole team when I say your generosity never fails to amaze us and i'm sure i speak for heath eli and cecil when i say that your benevolence makes all the work worthwhile and i'm sure i speak for tom when i say that your benevolence makes all the cecil's work worthwhile as well so heath you ready to make fun of some motherfuckers or what i am very excited. You look like a famous person got a

disease and fucked a cartoon character. I'm just giving the formula. Didn't mean me necessarily, but I do like your enthusiasm. Yeah, alright. Ann Coulter, Scurvy, and Monty Byrne. And Eli, you need a warm up too, bro? Yeah.

You look like a Birkin bag full of wigs. I kind of do. I kind of do. And, of course, joining us as well are dwarf undergoing chemotherapy and a nasal lumberjack, also known as Tom and Cecil of the Cognitive Dissonance Podcast. Fellas, welcome back to the show. So glad to be on another show I don't have to edit but can take all the credit for. Seriously, though, no, you have a hard job. You know, last week I had to host this this thing and reading stuff other people wrote was fucking

exhausting man i don't know how you do it but i do like the way you take all the credit for it you do make it look hard you do no you look like the love child of jack skellington and karen carpenter when you unzip your face bulimia falls out all right so far cecil's winning uh now uh let's get to the people who actually paid us to insult people first up we got two donations one from crouchy and one from angelo asking us to roast australian immigration minister peter dutton oh okay uh peter dutton looks like the slimy villain in a movie about kid hackers. Looks like he's always about to authorize the use

of nuclear weapons against the robot you've befriended. Don't disassemble Johnny Five. Squidward and Whiteface, indeed. We also got a donation from Gerald asking us to roast U.S. Representative Lamar Smith. Heath? Alright, he looks like Bush Sr. had a twin brother

and almost assassinated him as a fetus and stole his teeth. Yeah, he's got a visage best described as concave, I do believe. And Cecil, Maurice would like a little derision for Canadian political commentator Rex Murphy. This picture is amazing. Rex Murphy looks like each of his eyes were put in opposite

ends of the Large Hadron Collider and fired at each other at near light speed. He looks like one of the dead things in the waiting room in Beetlejuice, only less alive. And Tom, we got a donation from Rebecca asking us to roast her husband who runs a grocery

store, roots for the Cowboys, and loves comic books and Dragon Con. Make of that what you will. Wait a minute, I have to roast her husband, who runs a grocery store, roots for the Cowboys, and loves comic books and Dragon Con. Make of that what you will. Wait a minute. I have to roast a guy who wakes up every morning and has to run a grocery store? Like, for real? Do we get a government check for doing this? I mean, we're talking about a job no more challenging than making sure

that milk and eggs are rotated throughout the day, and this is his life's work. Oh, fuck. I'm almost nervous to start into him. I think there's laws against pushing a man to suicide. Maybe I'd be more worried, but with a life description like this, David would require an assisted

suicide just to handle the fucking logistics of his own miserable fucking life. This is super mean. I'll go anyway. David, you look like a guy who wears those exact sunglasses. David crosses his legs knee over knee because he has no testicles to crush. David is trying to pose in a jaunty devil-may-care fashion for his graduation photo,

but it's somewhat less convincing when the institution of higher learning he just matriculated from was Hamburger University and he was socially promoted. All right. Next up, we got one of our most popular targets here. Dee, Grant, David, and Shelly all asked us to roast Pat McCrory. So in the words of Cecil's wife, dog pile. Hey, nobody doesn't say that. At least when I'm around. Yeah, no, I know.

Pat McCrory looks like Steve Carell went method on a biopic about a guy who overcomes a fall into a deep fat fryer. Got a like fire marshal bill, got like reverse liposuction and a new skin mask grafted on the maid of Jeff Daniels. Like really, there's a smiling shot of he's just like he's like halfway between dumb and dumber he's dumb you know pat mccrory was actually going to be here for this but he was too busy not giving a shit about black people to fit any other hate into his schedule pat mccrory did however send in the following letter and he asked me to read it on air

a quote as an inhuman monster, I have this message. To the great white people of North Carolina, I will help cage your rampaging darkies just as soon as the flooding recedes. In the meantime, please stop fighting over whose day it is to share our state teeth and help control your blacks.

If we're not careful, and we won't be, it'll get so we can hardly shoot a black man without the liberal media getting all cousin intimate in our business. Pat McCrory looks like an inbred Stephen Baldwin. His face looks like it's made out of plaster someone had smoothed out in hopes of starting over. Pat wanted the birth certificate bathroom bill so he could be able to carry around proof that he was actually born and not the removed pulsating tumor

that everyone was looking for. Well, see, I was going to say he looked like the Baldwin brother they kept under the stairs, but I don't want to jump all over Cecil's joke, too. So I'll just point out that he looks like he's always trying to laugh at a joke he doesn't quite get.

And when he goes to the barber, he orders a little boy hair clip art. Ouch. And with that, we're going to hand things over to our first guest roaster of the evening, Seth Andrews of the Thinking Atheist podcast. Seth, take it away. Hi, this is Seth Andrews, host of the Thinking Atheist. And I'd like to say for the record that this is for charity. I wrote none of this.

Eli wrote it. And I agreed to read it before he sent what I was about to read. Bastard. Paul's sister, Linnea, looks like a failed attempt to make their own cheese came alive at Eclair's at the mall. Stacy looks like she was kicked out of throated porn for not telling him she had Tony Robbins teeth. Paul looks like an elf on the shelf grew up to be a human toilet at the Eagle. Phil Robertson looks like a dead coal miner's vagina. Okay, I'm looking forward to seeing the end of my career as an activist.

See you later. Thank you, Seth. And don't worry, nobody that we know would ever use that audio against you. Vagina. Vagina. Vagina. Throated porn. Vagina.

And, of course, a huge thanks to you, to Wes, Brandy, Trent, Bill, and my you me for their donations. Okay, our next category here is Dream Roast. This is where a listener plucked a thought from our dream catcher and gave us the chance to roast somebody we've been dying to roast. So, Heath, this first one's for you. This is a birthday gift coming late. Kenneth gave us money asking us to roast Ayn Rand. Ah, wonderful.

Okay. The erotic novelist for high school young Republicans. Exactly. Short the only 1100 page book you can find under rich kids' mattresses with the pages stuck together. Unbelievable. She looks like Peggy from Mad Men tried to

dress up like Buster Keaton and got about halfway done and then stopped. It's like she's always in a yearbook picture of the transgender chess club. And by the way, that's the kind of shit Heath mumbles in his sleep, too. And Cecil, no surprise here. Fenrir would like you to roast David Icke.

David Icke is one of my favorite persons, so this is going to be kind of hard. David Icke is less interesting than Kardashians. At least when they get fucked, they have video evidence. He looks like his barber lost all their tools except for a pair of thinning shears the only people who read your book are idiots who have a podcast david

excellent and tom you did such a good job with the father earlier in the week why not go for the son as well ian and tom would like you to rip a new asshole into an asshole namely donald trump jr and if you make it pithy i hear the people on Facebook will encourage you to kill yourself. Oh, good. I need all the encouragement I can get. Donald Trump Jr. is so awful he isn't embarrassed to be Donald Trump Jr. Right. Donald Trump Jr. is such a disgusting, worthless chunk of meaty flotsam that he hasn't changed

his name and pulled the skin from his face the day he realized he was Donald Trump Jr. And finally, Donald Trump Jr. shame fucks a photo of himself he staples to homeless men before killing them. And finally, we also got an overwhelming number of requests for Eli to roast the amazing atheist. But I'm going to add a challenge. I want you to do it without getting any death threats. Ooh, don't think that's possible. I'm going to have to... Well, do your best because Richard Richard, Beth, and Ken all paid to hear it, so... Okay, okay. When in doubt, go Kanye.

I miss the old TJ, the bright and bold TJ, here's what we know TJ, the on a roll TJ, I hate the new TJ, gives me the blues TJ, the racist dude TJ, girl-hating spew TJ,

I miss the smart TJ, the one with heart TJ, the let's-think-about-philosophy-in-art TJ, I gotta say at the time, I one with heart, TJ. The let's think about philosophy and art, TJ. I got to say at the time, I'd like to meet TJ. See, we invented TJ. There wasn't any TJs. And now I look around and there's so many TJs. I used to love TJ.

I used to love TJ. I even had the webcam one to be TJ. Now you're the gone TJ. Stubborn and wrong TJ. And we've outgrown TJ. I feel alone, TJ. You could have helped, TJ. Showed them you felt, TJ. Grown the movement and in doing so wrong, T.J., and we've outgrown T.J. I feel alone, T.J. You could have helped, T.J., shown them you felt, T.J., grown the movement, and in doing so yourself, T.J.,

and we would love you like T.J. loves T.J. Well done, sir. And since you already broke the melodic ice, I suppose we should hand things over to Anna Bosnick, who wrote a musical roast for a number of worthy insultees. We got so many people who needed us to know that of all the jerks that ever jerked, their dad did surely blow. From homophobic trumpers to assholes who abuse. It was all too long, so we wrote this song to help you break the news.

Well, there's Cindy's dad who said her wedding just wasn't convenient. The lazy shit for brains stayed home and didn't fucking see it. Or Connor's was abusive and hardcore religious, but he'd probably be less so if his dick was more prodigious. There's Nat's dad who told her that

a girl couldn't do science. Now she works in a lab and he looks like an appliance Or Dan's shitty father who made him lose his jaw Just because his family left the cult What a fucking knob You're bad dads and it's time you fucking knew it All you had to do was stab it, you completely fucking blew it Your kid gave to Judy so we could write this song

To tell you you're a bad dad who's doing dadding wrong. But it's not just dads, it can also be moms too, so we took a whole verse to say, hey Kathy, fuck you! A Trump-supporting Alex Jones-ing transphobic bitch. Randy sent us pics, you look like Lulo 8 Stitch. Or Arlen's mom

who's pretty much as charming as Joan Crawford. The victim-blam blaming bigot don't deserve you as a daughter, these moms are rotting heaps of horse manure, yeah it's true, so for Randy and for Arlen this one goes out to you, you're bad moms, and it's time you fucking knew it, all you had to do was mom

but you completely fucking blew it your kid gave to charity so we could write this song, to tell you you're a bad mom who's doing mommy wrong. And if there's one dad out there we should all be hunting for sport. It's Tay's stepdad who happens to be Cuban Voldemort. And poor Roxanna's grandpa lives in breeze misogyny. Looks like a cartoon turtle tripping balls on LSD.

But we didn't simply write this song to save us all some time because the Bosnics love to sing and the Lusians love to rhyme It's to let you know from all of us at Scathing that it's true Even though your parents sucked, they did a great job making you You had a bad dad, but you're still an awesome person Had a bad dad or mom, but you didn't let him worsen You stopped the cycle in its tracks and did the best you could. Because you took the bad they gave you and you turned it into good.

Thank you, Anna. And for those wondering, we'll be sending a free MP3 to all of our donors of You're a Bad Dad to play for the shitty dad in their life. Okay, gentlemen, it is now time for our very first Spightning Round. Ooh, how'd you do that with your voice? I do it in post. Meta. So the category this time is

Imaginary Characters. You guys ready? Alright, let's do it. Alright, we're gonna start off with Rob Titchener. Yeah, we fucking listen to fucking British radio dramas over here. Can I at least roast Doctor Who? At least he's a more popular fucking British drama I don't pay attention to. I tried doing a bit of research, so I started listening to The Archers, but it was more boring than an episode of the Imaginary Friends show.

I found out that Rob is a herd manager, which if you're from Wales means you're the guy who inseminates the sheep. Which, if you're from Wales, means you're the guy who inseminates the sheep. Ouch. From what I read about Rob, he's been raping his wife, which, if you did that in the States, they probably wouldn't even bother prosecuting you if you had a promising swim career. Oh, shit. All right, got one for you, Tom. How about Bilbo Baggins? Fucking what?

Bilbo Baggins? A shitty, weepy, dew-eyed, emo-faced, Morrissey-listening, scrawny fuckwit who makes it all the way to the goddamn heart of Mount Volcano times or whatever and becomes a hero only because he can't fight off a half-starved, bug-eyed fisherman with the worst case of PTSD in all of middle history

and he spends the rest of his fucking nine-fingered life having homoerotic pillow fights with his best friend. No, sorry, man man i can't think of anything well that's okay because that was frodo but you know what all the hobbits look the same to me anyway i literally don't know the difference i don't care at all so awesome the wrong guy i don't even know i don't even who the fuck is bilbo then you have to donate again if you want bilbo man sorry all right our next fictional character is God, who apparently killed Christy's dog and deserves to be roasted

for that. Okay. God looks like that super hot girl I fucked at camp. He looks like that novel I've been working on. He looks like what Bill Cosby sees. Rape memories. Holy shit! Wow!

Oh, just announce the name of my album. It's fine, it's fine. We're not doing this anyway. And for the last one of the fictional characters spighting around, our largest donation, tied for our largest donation

of $1,000, Steven wanted us to go all in on Republican Jesus. Ooh, okay. Well wanted us to go all in on Republican Jesus. Ooh, okay. Well, I just want to say, I'm just impressed that someone figured out how to make Jesus worse. The people of San Bernardino know the only thing worse than a schizophrenic Arab guy

is one with a machine gun. Oh, Jesus! Too soon? Was that too soon? It's never too soon. We shot a bunch of people since then, so I figured it was inappropriate. Republican Jesus. It's never too soon. We shot a bunch of people since then, so I figured it was. Yeah. Inappropriate. Republican Jesus. Republican Jesus said, judge not unless, of course, they are gay or black or poor or women.

No, but really, he's the kind of asshole would turn away a leper for a preexisting condition. Oh, Republican Jesus was a lifeguard and a pre-existing condition. Ouch! If Republican Jesus was a lifeguard and he saw a kid drowning, he'd throw a bootstrap. Where? Or a bootstrap. I love Republican Jesus. It's a great gig being Republican Jesus. All the hot chicks don't have boyfriends,

although most of them are married to their dads, which is kind of weird. But you don't have to wear a condom because the abstinence-only teenagers you're banging don't even know what they are. Downside. Downside is trying to convince them to have an abortion, but you can always cast the fetus into a herd of pigs, or as Republicans call them, Mexicans. Jesus Christ.

All right. So shifting gears back to real people here. Jason wants us to roast his friend Andrew, whose nickname is Cuz. He enjoys sci-fi. He dresses up as Captain Picard. And Jason was nice enough to include a picture to which I've got to say, Andrew, you look like Scott Van Pelt got waterboarded with mayonnaise. This guy looks like he uses you going to eat that as a pickup line. mayonnaise. This guy looks like he uses you gonna eat that as a pickup line. Andrew, you look like the kind of person who cries if you don't snap along when you read your poetry.

Tom does that. Get fucking snapping. Alright, Heath, this one is from Matthew asking us to roast his friend Logan, and of course he included a picture, actually a picture of him with us oh yeah no i actually remember this guy from uh raisin con he was actually nice but uh the picture does not look like it really looks like i'm gonna go with the picture though uh logan looks like the prettiest girl at the citadel he looks like it got awkward for him at military school when they started asking and telling it got really weird guessing everyone in his barracks was super happy, though,

when he got his braces off. Oh, jeez. That's good. All right, this next one is from Martin, who asked us to roast his soon-to-be unloving wife, Monica. Monica enjoys lifting weights and pole dancing, and here's a picture. Jesus Christ, pole dancing?

Where does she tuck the pole? The very worst part about this is the literal ass beating you're going to get from that behavior. I'd love to see someone try to stop her from going into the guy's washroom. I'd proudly stand up next to her and pee. Yeah, hey, you can see Martin has a type. Guys. And he's going to need a type after this airs.

A.B. Potter. You're right. Okay, so Tom, this is a friend of your show, so you get to roast him. Elvis Manson, CPA and creator of the operatic glory hole introduction of your show. And he'd like a roast of himself. All right. Well, remember, Elvis, we love you.

Elvis refers to himself as a fucking CPA, even though no one has ever fucked a CPA. Elvis is always the little spoon and not by choice elvis has so many missing teeth he's a big hit at the glory hole at the karaoke bar where he sings other people's songs he gets white girl drunk on semen and the pain of his you can really feel the love there okay eli, Eli, this one's for you. We got a donation from Ryan asking us to roast Pat. No description, but he did send along plenty of pictures to help you out. Ooh, okay.

Pat looks like a Hell's Angels mentally retarded son, just like riding behind him on a scooter. Looks like he gently dipped his chin in cocoa mix in college and was like, that's my look. Looks like he gently dipped his chin in cocoa mix in college and was like, that's my look. All right. Next up, I got a couple of challenges for you guys. As listeners of Cognizant know, one of the highlights of this year has been listening to the quizzes that you guys have been coming up with for each other. So with that in mind, Cecil, using a single multiple choice test question, I'd like you to insult Nebraska State Senator Bill Kittner and Jimmy Fallon.on all right here we go so um i normally read this to tom so i'm gonna i'm gonna ask tom this

question all right okay so tom um what are some of the things uh nebraska state senator bill kittner will discuss on his next tonight show appearance a how anti-abortion he is and jimmy fallon would interject yeah i'm lucky this station is pro-choice so they would have gotten rid of this abortion long ago. B, cyber sex scandal karaoke. That's my favorite. C, how monatomic gold mining is the key to Nebraska's economic prosperity. And Jimmy will agree by removing his human skin suit

and consuming Bill like a boa constrictor choking down a rat. D, tap dance off. Or E, all the above above but not in that order i'm gonna go with d it's always d it is always d it turns out tom same challenge are you ready thanks to sketchy pills from the internet noah i'm always at least half ready which sounds a lot better than it is you're telling Okay, so your roasties are Apostle of the LDS Church, David A. Bednar,

the State of Alaska, and Goths. Yes. All right, Cecil. Hey. What did David Bednar, the State of Alaska, and Goths all have in common,

my friend? A. Jews aren't allowed in any of their clubhouses. Did they spell Jews with a Z? A backward Z. B. All of them are a last refuge for misanthropic loners. Or C. Deep, soul-crushing regret. I thought that was your life.

It works for so many levels, you know. Heath, I've got a special challenge for you as well. The day after this airs will be Eric's girlfriend Charlotte's birthday. She's starting a Dutch to English translation business, and he'd like us to roast her, and I'd like you to do it to the tune of Happy Birthday. Oh, okay. Fin je vjerdag to you. Fin je v vierdag to you.

Finne vierdag to you. Fucking Dutch people all speak English. Your business plan is fucking stupid. Idiot. And they say Anna's the musical one. All right, Eli, you're used to being mentally challenged, so this challenge should be easy for you. We got a donation from Travis,

who you'll remember donated last time as well, asking you to insult the USS Ronald Reagan again. But I'd like to add to that Roger's request for an insult to the owner of an F-650 super truck. And I'd also like to add my own request that you do it in the voice of Crazy Dave. Oh, Crazy Dave. Okay.

Hi, I'm Crazy Dave from Crazy Dave's Big Shit You Don't Need. Has your country not been in a water battle since the 1940s? Do you have such small genitals that you need a car slash truck just to know you're alive? Then come on down to Crazy Dave's.

We got the USS Ronald Reagan, a big shitty ship named after an equally shitty president at a price so low I'll feel like a Nicaraguan nun by the time you come down. And we got the Ford 650 super truck with two included Trump bumper stickers,

the sure way to tell anybody I might ejaculate prematurely but it will happen inside my own body. That's Crazy Dave's big metal shit you don't need next to the 7-Eleven on Main. Big metal coffins with people inside my own body. That's Crazy Dave's big metal shit you don't need next to the 7-Eleven on Main. Big metal coffins with people inside who know better. I do love me some Crazy Dave.

Now, at this point, I should point out that we got quite a few requests that we roast ourselves slash each other. And while it's not really possible for us to even be in a room together without that just happening naturally, I want to really put some effort into it for Keith, Brandon, Alex, and Omar.

So like Thomas Smith's listenership, I want to take this one person at a time. And since we started the episode with me, let's begin with my good friend Heath Enright. Wonderful. All right. Heath is like the bass player in the band. He's sort of essential, but no one really knows what he contributes. And the only play he gets is a pity handjob from bored groupies

waiting for their friend to get out of a bathroom. Hold on. I prefer my handjobs aloof like that. Like my own. Like my own. And outside public bathrooms. And weepy. I like my job.

I always feel bad for Heath because he's the Hillary Clinton to my Donald Trump. He's smarter than me and way better at the job, but I interrupt him constantly so stupid people like me better. And I just want to say that Heath has definitely been bare naked with a girl once, but she lives out of town, so I don't know her. Hey, I told you she got lost at sea. Lost at sea. And by the way, they found her on a beach in Indonesia and worshipped her like a goddess.

Like a goddess. She was beautiful. Read a newspaper. She was real. He looks like he was one of the lucky guys to get out of the concentration camp and then said fuck it i'll just keep the haircut and tattoos and quick before he realizes we're talking about him let's uh let's switch over to tom oh uh so tom's a fellow gym rat and i think that's great i think i should be honest though and point out that well one lift you really need to master is a facelift. You look like one of the photos of dogs that ate bees.

Oh, Eli. I just think it's cute that you think of yourself as a gym rat, Eli. You keep after a big guy, champ, tiger, chief. They know my name at Planet Fitness. Because I'm not allowed in the showers anymore. Tom looks like he always just took off a hat that's way too small. Like Josh Forrestine's face got squished horizontally while wearing a helmet. And then fucked Lion Prince John from the Robin Hood cartoon with the animals.

And then got framed for murder in Wisconsin. Oh, God! Damn it! See, I would point out that Tom looks like a bigger version of Tommy Pickles if he was taller. But to be fair, I owe him a bit of a debt of gratitude for bringing me on Cogdiss when we were first starting out. That was really cool. I feel almost like the guy you introduce your ex-wife to who's currently fucking her. Well, that's actually really horrifying, though.

That kind of joy. I really don't have a lot to say here. Tom's life is roast enough. I mean, if I were to press the pile on, I'd say that Tom finally knows how it feels to do all the work and someone takes half your shit. Oh, I've got another one. Tom's kids. Hey, hey, hey. What else?

What else? He was going. Don't stop. He didn't even start. No, no you leave him leave him on the floor i want to see the light go out in his eyes oh he shit himself so quickly he did well i think he'd already shat himself before tom choked him though at least somewhere oh that was that smell that's fair fair what i'm awake i'm awake i dreamed rayfort was covered in rose petals. I knew you'd be fine. That seizing meant the brain damage would be minimal.

All right, so while he's still good and woozy, why don't we go ahead and roast him, too? All right. Eli is an attention whore with himself as both his pimp and his John, and he still leaves dissatisfied. Eli looks like a nightmarish Muppet made of semen, googly eyes, and belly button hair. Eli is a vegan. On purpose. Pussy.

I gotta say, working with Eli though really is a charm. He has the technical savvy of Hillary Clinton, the good looks of a failed shampoo test monkey, an unhealthy obsession with my cat's butthole, and the spelling skills of someone taking verbatim dictation from Richard Dawkins. Post-stroke.

Okay, Eli looks like someone killed themselves in an old gorilla costume, but their kids don't have the heart to throw it away, so they gave it a podcast instead. Eli looks like he has like rapid aging disease and Benjamin Button disease at the same time. It's like he's a geriatric baby somehow. Both extremes. Eli has the softest fucking hands I've ever felt. Shaking hands with him is like fist fucking the open gut wound on a tauntaun.

Kind of wet and really squishy. Oh, somebody send me that porn. All right. Well, it looks like Eli's crying already, which means that much like a gangbang, Cecil's going to have to go last here. Okay. Well, that's perfect because Cecil is actually just like the last guy to go in a gangbang. Nobody came for you, and a much larger man does most of the work. And as many listeners know, Cecil likes to dress up like a knight or a squire or something. He told me once, and I instantly forgot it like a faggot at a party.

But I get it. He longs for a time when people with his facial hair collected taxes and raped Maid Marian. Who doesn't long for that time? Are you kidding me? Alright, alright, I'll go. Cecil is a great guy with a magnificent beard. Cecil has always had my back. Cecil is a cook and loyal friend.

Wait, this is bullshit. This is not how this works. No, absolutely not. Absolutely not. Well, listen, fuck you guys. Cec He does all the editing. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Well, listen, fuck you guys. Cecil does all the work. I know where my bread's buttered. We split the money, and splitting money is something I've become very good at. I'll go.

I'll go on me. I'll go. I go on me all the time. Yeah, right. I'm so hairy, I clog drains just standing in their vicinity. The tough part about being this hairy and this fat is that I look like a golem made of koosh balls. Well, see, I was going to say you look like Jason Lee got

trapped in an inflatable sumo suit and doesn't want anybody to know. And also your face looks like a 70s porn star should be fucking it. And one usually is, to be fair. One usually is. That is true. Oh, no. He looks like Fat Bin Laden made a white-faced Nintendo Wii character.

Like Wario got a job at Sam Adams. I had to make that character. No one had to bowl against me with the name Death to Infidels. Excellent. And now that we're all good and pissed, let's take that anger out on others as we are wont to do.

We got donations from Courtney, Jennifer, Sapphire, Daryl, Peg, William, Christopher, and pissed. Let's take that anger out on others as we are want to do. We got donations from Courtney, Jennifer Sapphire, Daryl Pegg, William Christopher, and Dr. K not asking us to insult a particular individual, but rather a type of person that grinds their gear. So with that in mind,

it's time for another spiking round. And this time the category is people who, so hands on your buzzer. Always. Ew. Starting off with people who don't get flu shots all right the people that don't get flu shots are the same people who think cupping should be done with anything but your balls all right how about people who ban books oh got it has anyone noticed that the body type for those shrieking book banning shrews always includes a front butt that's so huge there's no sex that isn't anal with them these are the kind of worthless semi-illiterate

harpies that read the word vagina and being so dismayed that no series of lights and mirrors could get them to see their own strap on a muumuu and a fanny pack to protest somebody putting words in an order that makes their girl button tickle. All right, how about people who say, not in my backyard? Ooh, okay. Ah, yes, the political stance of, if they're going to die, they'd better do it.

These people believe in freedom of industry, choice, and to starve to death. It's great to have the same political ideas as medieval lords. I bet they let their surf smoke pot, too. All right, how about Republicans who won't denounce Trump? Oh, beep, buzz, me. All right, honestly, I look at the electoral map, and I really don't give a fuck what these people think. Enjoy watching the country move forward while you all go extinct.

Have a good time with that. You're like the horrible comedian getting booed off the stage just standing there eating rotten tomatoes, pretending to enjoy them. Fuck you. Again, nobody fucking cares. You really don't matter. Yeah, right, right. Alright, how about people who care about

Brangelina Buzz? I got this one. I got this one. The only reason to care about who celebrities are fucking is if you just accepted a drink from Bill Cosby. It didn't work out because he's secretly gay and she fucked her brother. Read a book, people. Ouch. All right.

Next one up. People with fake food allergies. Oh, I want this one. People who fake food allergies just want attention. And I'm happy to oblige. If you want some attention, fine. Here you go. Listen up, all you gluten and tree nut free sad sack motherfuckers no one loves you no one not your kids or your dog or your

co-workers or even your fucking parents your husband is banging his secretary and doesn't even have the courtesy to think about you during your never-ending stream of exhausting fake malady bullshit has exhausted everyone you have ever cared about when you eventually die lonely and weeping the corner will open you up and catalog you as empty inside the only way to redeem you would be to invent a time machine go back in time and rape your mother until she was barren and shattered because the only salvation for you is to render impossible your existence. Now, have you gotten all the attention you wanted?

They should put that on a menu somewhere. Born people off. This is our gluten-free menu. There you go. Tom will be over shortly to read it to you. It's like a hate sommelier. All right, next up, how about people who behave badly at the pharmacy? Oh, I got this one.

Getting mad at the pharmacy is like yelling at your nurse for helping you with a rape kit after you were roofie fucked by your insurance company. And finally, cosplayers. Okay, this is me. We get it, ladies. Your dad touched is me. We get it, ladies. Your dad touched you. And we get it, dudes. You're going to touch your daughter. Oh, no!

But don't worry, Eli. You might have a son. You might have a son. And Cecil's barren. No triggers. No! All right, next up we got a donation from Jaber, who would like a roast of himself.

And he sent along a picture, and since Tom and Cecil hate the troops, I'll let them go first. Oh, Jesus Christ. Jaber? What the fuck kind of name is Jaber? It's a good thing you and the bottom 10% of every graduating class have donned whatever pajama party bullshit excuse for a uniform you're wearing to protect my bald eagles from terrorists. But looking at you doesn't make me feel any safer. It just makes me wonder how Don't Ask, Don't Tell survived

as long as it did with you telegraphing your love for dick on your face so clearly. Well, Jaber, thank goodness you can do other things to get promoted in the army because there's no way you're going to be fucking your way to the top. You look like you wear a military dress outfit everywhere so you can get high fives

from really old guys with saggy balls. Oh, fuck yeah, man. Second only to kneeling for the national anthem. I just want to say we love you, J.D. We love you, J.D. We feel so bad about that. He's like the nicest guy. He's the fucking nicest guy ever.

Tom just told everyone with food allergies to kill themselves. The military guy who asked him. The military is real. Yeah, but fuck those people with food allergies. Right? Fucking degenerates. Fucking inconvenient. All right, next up, Tom Cecil, I got another haiku challenge for you.

Tom, Sam would like us to roast Thunderfoot, and Cecil, Stephen would like you to roast Scott Walker. All right, Thunderfoot, huh? All right. Splicey nonsense edits. This is what passes for thoughts. Call him Thunderfoot. All right. Here's Scott Walker.

Fire all the teachers. No one needs a living wage. Elect Scott Walker. He might just use that one if you gave him permission. I know, right? I just wrote his next fucking commercial. His campaign slogans.

Fucking steal it and won't pay me. Well, you don't need a living wage, obviously. That's true, right? And if you're Scott Walker, you don't need a high school teacher because you just drop out. And finally tonight, it just wouldn't be The Scathing Atheist

without it. So gentlemen, we've got a donation from Chris asking us to roast Ronald Reagan and a donation from Tim asking us to roast Dr. Oz. And that's just too good a combo to pass up. So I'm going to put 30 seconds on the clock. Names for Dr. Oz's newest Ronald Reagan-themed snake oil. Go. Ooh, the Ronald Reagan juice cleanse. You won't remember where the weight went or your name.

That's a Ronald Reagan juice cleanse. You won't remember where the weight went. Or your name. It's in the Ronald Reagan signature. Shit. All right. What about Ronald Reagan's colon solution? Just like his original tax plan, you should think about the Laffer curve while watery shit trickles down your leg. From your supply side. Yeah, right. Asshole.

All right. Well, he's got, there's two of them I hear they're marking. It's the Gipper Gulp. Let his seed trickle down. And Ronald Reagan's single flavor beans. Now with more right wing ass to mouth flavor. All right. How about Ronald Reagan laxative?

Tear down this wall. It'll clear you out faster than the National Guard on a Berkeley protest. And it may also force you to call a state of emergency. Right. Fantastic. And with that, we're going to bring part two of Vulgarity for Charity to a close. We've still got two more segments coming up, one on Cognitus, one on Scathing Atheist. And remember, if you're listening to this show the day it comes out, you still have until midnight tomorrow to get a donation in

and get yourself nice and roasted. But wait, there's more. As of this recording, we're currently at about $19,000. And if we hit $25,000, the Vulgarity for Charity crew will do a live donors-only Ask Me Anything on YouTube. Also a friend of the show, Chris Matheson, author of The Story of God, has donated four autographed copies of his new paperback to the four largest donors

inside the contiguous U.S. So if you've been teetering on the edge of giving, doing so by midnight on the 30th, we'll give you access to all of us live and you'll finally get a chance to ask Cecil why he's always dressed like a knight on Facebook. That's a master defense. And I forgot again. Old

timey virgin. That's it. A maidenhead. All right. Well, thanks again to all our celebrity roasters and to everyone who's participated. And Tom Cecil, thanks so much for playing along, guys. Thanks for having us, man. Thanks so much. We'll see you next week.

We'll see you soon. We spent a little too much time raising money for needy people tonight for the full-blown outro, so if you made a donation to the show this week, apologies, but I promise I'll have a worthy compliment for you on next week's show. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAtheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission.