The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 190: Vulgarity for Charity 4 Edition

Episode Date: October 6, 2016

In this week’s 90 minute special edition, Deepak Chopra will yell into a mirror while crying. Iran asks Salem, Massachusetts for advice on how to deal with lady chess players, and Tom and Cecil from the Cognitive Dissonance podcast will join us for the extended conclusion of Vulgarity for Charity. If you want to catch us in Scotland, you can find more details here: https://www.facebook.com/events/982928985138532/ If you can’t get enough of Tom and Cecil, be sure to check out their show, Cognitive Dissonance: http://dissonancepod.com/ If you’d still like to make a donation to Modest Needs, you can find them here: https://www.modestneeds.org/ Make a per episode donation at Patreon http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist Or maybe buy our book: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 Headlines: Roy Moore suspended for remainder of his term: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/30/alabama-chief-justice-roy-moore-suspended-for-remainder-of-term-but-hell-keep-his-job/ Deepak Chopra says Trump’s worldview isn’t fact-based enough: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/26/deepak-chopra-slams-donald-trump-for-not-having-a-fact-based-view-of-reality-seriously/ Dee Gordon thinks God made him hit an extra-long HR after his friend Jose Fernandez died: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/28/dee-gordons-dramatic-home-run-in-honor-of-his-late-teammate-shouldnt-make-you-believe-in-god/ Bill Donahue compares Dawkins to KKK wizards in blasphemy day rant: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/29/bill-donohue-blasphemy-rights-day-is-anti-catholic-and-richard-dawkins-is-like-a-kkk-wizard/ Female chess players will have to wear hijabs for next year’s championship: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/30/female-chess-players-will-have-to-wear-hijabs-to-compete-in-next-years-world-championships/

Warning, this episode has charity, sure, but it was going to have vulgarity one way or the other. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is once again brought to you by Vulgarity for Charity. Along with Tom and Cecil of Cognitive Dissonance, we raised over $25,000. And although that's more than enough money to bail out a children's shelter in Oklahoma, most of the donation people at charities, especially religious ones, aren't very talented, even though their entire job is take the money. Fortunately, that's not the case at the Modest Needs Foundation, who's going to use your generous gifts to help out families in need.

Huge thanks to everyone who participated. And now, the Scathing Atheist. Howdy, this is Andrew Northcutt, and I think even Eli would agree that I'm allowed to say we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's October 6th. And Mike Pence isn't just a Death Eater, he's also a customer.

I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, and Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Deepak Chopra will yell into a mirror while crying. this week's episode. Deepak Chopra will yell into a mirror while crying. Iran asks Salem, Massachusetts

for advice on how to deal with lady chess players. And Tom and Cecil join us for a special 90-minute conclusion of Vulgarity for Charity. But first, the diatribe. Well, my mom listens to the show now. But don't worry, I promise that won't change an F asterisk, asterisk, asterisking thing. I'm getting, I'm getting. My parents made me listen to them fuck for years.

The least I can do is make them listen to me say fuck. And incidentally, mom, if you're listening, get your fucking flu shot. I don't give a shit if the Googles agree with your intuition. Your gut feeling can't trump 83 years of sound science until you go to a doctor and the doctor says, hey, you shouldn't get a flu shot because you're immunocompromised. You get your fucking flu shot. So yeah, hosted my folks for a couple

of days last week, and by and large, we had a blast. We more or less avoided the topic of religion, and to the extent that it's possible this late into an election year, we avoided the topic of politics. I did have to give them the details of what exactly I do for a living, but lucky for me, the I make fun of Jesus's balls blow was softened by the fact that it happened just as you guys were donating $25,000 to charity to hear us make fun of those balls. So all in all, great visit. In fact, I was worried I was going to get all the way through it without any good diatribe material at all. But apparently the topic came when I wasn't home. My dad and I were out playing around a golf when my mom was teaching Lucinda how to make a Dutch apple pie I would

murder puppies for. And I guess they're talking about the show. Lucinda's kind of soft peddling the need for what we do. You know, the importance of atheist voices to counterbalance the religious ones. And apparently my mom throws out this gem at some point. She says something along the lines of, well, being aian is about one thing being good to other people so in my mind noah has always been a christian and he still is yeah now i love my mom of course i do she's my mom so normally i'd respond to something like this with a whole bunch of you know can you believe this bitch over here type stuff but it's my mom so i'm gonna say this say this super, super nice. Mom, fuck that noise. Bull fucking shit. Not only is that

definition so wrong, it renders the very term you're using worthless, but it's also loaded with rampant and unapologetic bigotry. I mean, if that's what Christian means to you, what does Muslim mean? What does Hindu mean? Because if it's not the same fucking thing, there's no way out of that corner you've painted yourself into without ducking into prejudice. Surely you wouldn't say of a Jew that was good to other people, well, he's really a Christian whether he knows it or not. Or at least if you would say that, warn me before I introduce you to any Jews. So assuming my mom's not a raging bigot and doesn't think that only people from Christianized parts of the world have figured out being good to each other, what does she mean? What else could that mean? I mean, has she just given up with the association with God and salvation altogether and

refiled that word at the end of the thesaurus entry for philanthropy? I mean, she goes to a church, so I'm sure she's noticed they bring up that Jesus guy an awful lot. She's a pretty bright lady, so I'm not buying that one. Now, you might say, well, maybe she would redefine all those other religions the same way. Maybe she's just retreating into that it doesn't matter what you have faith in as long as you have faith nonsense. And that might be possible for most people, but my mom also expressed an issue with devil worship, whatever the hell that means. So clearly having faith in Satan wouldn't fit the bill, and something tells me she's not the type of person to assign the same

goodness value to Islam as Christianity. Now, to her credit, you don't need to be a bigot to get there, no matter what Sam Harris's detractors say. You can definitely get there through bigotry, but you can also get there through an objective assessment of their respective cultures. Now, I think this is it. I think my mom was playing that game Christians like to play where they just define the term down to whatever's defensible in the moment, right? It's like those assholes who pretend in a debate that all God means is the thing that started the Big Bang, as though it's a scientific placeholder akin to dark energy. I've seen theologists take the stage acting like that's a realistic argument. It's not, of course, but even if it was, something tells me they don't restrict themselves to that definition

on Sunday morning, or any time they're not at a podium across from an atheist. You know, look, this is a super convenient strategy, of course, because no matter how wrong you always are, you're never wrong in the moment. You are to anybody who might be critically evaluating your statements, but you never have to be wrong to you. You stack enough true Scotsmen and ramparts on either side of your narrow little worldview, and you never have to worry about disconfirming evidence showing up in your peripheral vision. Christians are good people.

Okay, but what about all these kid rapists and the people that covered it up? Well, obviously, they're not really Christians. Okay, but what about all these atheist doctors that run into war zones to help refugees? Well, obviously, they are really Christians. Well, doesn't Christian mean person who accepts Jesus as their personal Savior? Only when I'm talking to people who won't disagree with me. See? See? Works great. And the defense that these people offer is that all that they take from Christianity is the message to be nice to people. And that's fine. I mean, it's being applied retroactively, of course, since that's nowhere near the primary message of the New Testament. That book is mostly

about setting your affairs in order quick before the world ends. If you were being honest with the title, the book would be called 1, 2, 2 1⁄2, but whatever. If that's what you take from it, good. That's a good message. But you can't examine something solely based on how it affects you. By that standard, the war in Syria is no big deal, and global terrorism is a smaller problem

than the wide receiver depth of my fantasy team going into bi-weeks. Because regardless of what Christianity means to you in this moment while you're trying to justify it, the word does have a meaning. You know, you can whitewash that book in your own head, but in the real world, it recommends sexism and child abuse. You can pick what you want from the Christianity buffet, but you can't ignore that the buffet also contains endorsements for slavery, justifications for infanticide, and recommendations for the best way to kill gay people. And you can say it's a good book all you want, and the people who agreed to overlook 90% of the damn thing

can wink along with you, but you're also lending power to the homophobe and the misogynist and the violent racist because that's what's actually in the book. And when you tell the demographer that you're a non-denominational Christian, you may mean in your head that you're good to people, but what it shows your elected representative is that his or her district is loaded up with a group of people that generally oppose gay rights

and progressive social policies. You're lumping yourself in with a group of people who have used their political clout in this decade almost exclusively to oppose the rights of gay people, trans people, and women. Being good to people, my ass. So if Christianity means being good to people, why don't you drop the sectarian title, and I'll meet you at the first church of altruism next Sunday. But if it means what all the dictionaries seem to think it means, have the guts to stand by that definition

rather than molding it to whatever verbal parameters are easiest to defend in the moment. And have the guts to abandon that label as it comes to mean something you don't agree with. And above all, get your fucking flu shot. They're talking about you, Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are two people that didn't fuck up my fantasy team by checking into rehab this week. Keith Enright and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, in your objective assessment, which is more important, boosting my shitty one-in-three fantasies team with a strong second receiver or straightening out a life that Twitter isn't even sure matters? I'm not sure which option to go with, but I can say with confidence that I'd be a much more effective fantasy option than Josh Gordon or the Browns quarterback. Right.

Who is it now? John Kasich? Pikachu. All right. Before we get rolling tonight, we want to remind you that our one nation tour of former European countries begins next weekend. If you don't already have tickets for QED, fuck you. It's too late to get them.

They're all sold out. You fucked around for too long. But it's not too late to come see us in Scotland for a Q&A with Tom and Cecil. We'll be in Glasgow on Monday the 17th and Edinburgh on Tuesday the 18th. You'll find links to more info on the show notes for this episode.

Guys, what are you most looking forward to doing in the UK? I'm going to say having a go with my new language skews. That's a good one. Having sex with someone who likes the show. Dude, we had a 20-minute meeting on this. Right, right.

Sorry. Having sex with someone who doesn't like the show. He doesn't get to come. No. We are not doing this again. We were in that police station for an hour and a half at Reason Rally. Okay, okay. Fair, fair. Okay okay confronting andy about his crimes against humanity aren't we all okay fine but i'm suing you and pc myers

hilarious if you got sued over that in our lead story tonight the members of the lollipop guild have been locked in perpetual encore since news came down that the proverbial witch is proverbially dead in Alabama. Alabama Supreme Court Justice, a man whose yearbook superlative included the words blaxploitation villain, was judicially castrated for the remainder of his term last Friday in response to his attempt to create a judicial fiefdom with himself at its head. And this is an impressive feat. This guy managed to be too much of a bigot for the Alabama court of the judiciary. These are people who often go by a first initial at the front of their name.

A group that includes J. Michael Joyner, S. Danielle Rowe Sr., and this is the best one, Rowe Sr., and this is the best one, L. Gwaltney McCollum Jr., that group unanimously agreed that Roy Moore's too much of a bigot. Wow. Taken down by a drag queen and Nick and Sandy Anderson like a little person in an orgy. Now, it's worth noting once again that this marks the second time that Moore has been suspended for ethics violations. So long before he volunteered for the homophobia picture on Wikipedia, he'd already been removed from office in disgrace after trying to start a judicial insurrection over an illegal Ten Commandments monument that Moore himself ordered installed. for the law and the generally positive track record of six semper tyrannis as a domestic policy the people of alabama saw fit to re-elect him as their chief justice in 2012 because the good

people of alabama are by and large stupid source in the description so fast forward to january of this year when as i'm sure you'll recall more mistook fuck the supreme court for one of the options legally available to him. So despite the blatant illegality of changing laws by declaration, Moore repeatedly told probate judges to withhold marriage licenses for same-sex couples, even after the Supreme Court sent him a letter reminding him that even important people aren't allowed to do shit like that. This led to his eventual suspension in August, pending last week's decision to suspend him without pay for the remainder of his term. Okay, that's good, I guess, like a first step. But this guy committed a hate crime.

It's a non-violent one, but still, hate crime. I mean, NFL players who smoke a joint get more of a punishment. Yeah, same with my fucking fantasy team. It becomes more and more clear he just should have raped someone behind a dumpster. I'm tired of giving that advice. We're going to be in England for a while. It'll be nice.

I'll rape someone behind a dumpster, Captain. Andy knows what I'm talking about. Oh, shit. So, now the good news, of course, is that a raging bigot who is completely unqualified for any elective position won't be running anybody's state Supreme Court. The bad news is that the Alabama court of the judiciary didn't have enough votes to outright remove him from office. So he's still technically the chief justice there.

He's just not allowed to do anything and he doesn't get paid. So Clarence Thomas's responsibility and Scalia's paycheck. The end result is that until Moore decides to voluntarily resign, the Alabama Supreme Court just doesn't have a chief justice. Can you imagine that? Supreme Court's missing members. It'd be a disaster. Anyway, the much worse news is that this has apparently boosted the shit out of this asshole's popularity, and he's an early favorite in Alabama's 2018 gubernatorial election. So good job, Zandy and Nick, but the job's never finished.

Get back out there, guys. We still need you. And in pot-calling-the-kettle-cracked news tonight, discount Deepak Chopra, Deepak Chopra, to a presidential hopeful and tax-ism enthusiast Donald Trump to task this week for not having, quote, fact-based views of reality. Wow. Criticizing actual, quote, again, a troubling American trait, the passive willingness to let wrong turn into right.

Trumpism touts wrong as right with passionate intensity, while countless people who should see him for what he is lack all conviction to counter him. End quote. Not adding, why is everyone staring at me like that? What? What? Seriously, what, you guys? Trump's just making shit up.'s true it's true why are your auras all turning plaid what are you saying to me so uh now that deepak chopra has criticized trump for his failure to accept reality what do we think we can expect the next couple of weeks

zoe de chanel criticizing people's acting maybe dinesh de souza giving out financial advice right oh we could go to england and tell them how to run a democracy oh okay good good some advice and in god hates miami news tonight god continued hating miami recently ah things me and god have in common yeah and uh especially their professional sports teams. And a back out. So, first he let LeBron go back to Cleveland, a city that God

obviously loves. Oh, clearly. Then he made the Dolphins continue being awful. And then last week he decided to add murder to injury and kill the Miami Marlins ace pitcher, Jose Fernandez, in a boat crash. Aw.

Which all sounds pretty bad. But if you're starting to doubt God's existence, do not forget that two days after the murder, he also helped the dead guy's teammate, Dee Gordon, hit a home run extra far. Yeah. Supplement sandwich. Yeah. guy's teammate D Gordon hit a home run extra far yeah compliment sandwich yeah well and and that's not to mention God's repeated attempts to circumcise the United

States with hurricanes I think the God hates Miami thing is is dead on and I'm sorry to shift so quickly from tragic death to dick joke but I feel like Heath was kind of wearing out that tasteful

reflection gambit you know so I wanted to get that with us yeah the tasteful reflection is when you come on a mirror and lick it clean, right? Oh, gosh. Should be. Who's with me?

Andy gets it. So, here's the sequence of events. The day of the crash, the Marlins canceled their game, obviously. And then when they played the next day, D. Gordon was their leadoff hitter and hit a home run in the team's first at-bat of the game. Every player was wearing Jose Fernandez's number 16, and Gordon was in tears as he crossed home plate. Very emotional moment. Also a very confusing moment.

Tag 16, damn it! No, the other 16! Egg 16, damn it! No, the other 16! I'm sure the Fernandez family was super happy about the early lead in the game. Oh, yeah, that's right. But everything that happened after that has been fucking stupid. Most noticeably, Gordon's remarks after the game, during which he said, quote, If y'all don't believe in God, you might as well start.

I ain't ever hit a ball that far, in batting practice which is false for that to happen today we had some help end quote i mean sam khalifa's game was explosive okay so uh he's a muslim baseball player We only had one. Okay. So I'm not trying to be an asshole, or maybe I am. It seems like you are. So is Eli. Either way, the distance on that home run was 372 feet. The Major League average this year is 400 feet. Right.

Yeah, exactly. And he probably would have had a little more distance if he was still taking the steroids that got him suspended for the first 80 games of this season. Again, God could have easily prevented that. Yeah, well, obviously, yeah. Also, just for the record, Gordon's hit eight home runs further than that just during games that we know of, and they tracked them. So anyway, two days later, the Marlins were mathematically eliminated

from making the playoffs when they lost to the Mets. Because God's mysterious. Yeah, right. Ooh, shiny. I mean, not to God versus God these things, but when you lose to the Mets, that's a pretty clear sign that God is not on your side. The Mets are like the Amalekites of baseball, even I'm a fan. And in Godwinian evolution news tonight, Catholic League president and grumpy Sharpay that got turned into a homophobic Muppet by a Disney witch, Bill Donahue, found something even more offensive to say about Richard Dawkins than the impression Heath did on this week's Cognitive Dissonance when he compared the eminent biologist and bestselling author to a KKK wizard. Hold on.

My dad's had multiple strokes. I'm allowed to say the N-word. I've stroked off multiple dads. I'm allowed to say the N-word. yeah i've stroked off multiple dads i'm allowed to say the no it's not that's it they were black damn it let me get the whiteboard not eli's thing my thing is real anyway so donahue awoke from his hyperbolic chamber long enough to pen a quick editorial for csnnews.com on the subject of blasphemy day in which he concludes that like virtually all the things donahue has ever examined and then opined on, this is really just an anti-Catholic conspiracy.

And then he said that Dawkins was like a KKK wizard. Okay, well, I think he's confusing KKK with Hogwarts professor played by Alan Alda. Maybe he meant like a-okay wizard? To be fair, I hear Richard's new magic act is stunning and brave. Well, but see, I think Dawkins

was just trying to say okay wizard and, you know, he's still, he's getting there. He's getting there. And I want to be clear here. This is not,

we're not talking about some like vague twice-removed comparison because sometimes you hear like so-and-so compares so-and-so to such-and-such and then you read it in context and you're like,

well, yeah, technically, I guess he compared him to that, but that's just a poor choice of words. This is very clearly not the case here. Evil Dr. Honeydew presented this analogy as though it were the answer to a fucking SAT question. In his op-ed, he said, quote, Dawkins is to Catholics what the imperial wizard of the Ku Klux Klan is to blacks. End quote. Okay, well, if that's true, then Bill Donahue and the Catholics should be super cool with trading.

From now on, a British nerd goes after all the black people, and a neo-Nazi hate group goes after the Catholics. Same thing. Okay, hypothetically, if one of those was already happening. At Eli Bosnick. Now, somehow even more offensive than the comparison was the justification that immediately followed the quote. Okay, so as evidence that Dawkins is no different than the head of America's most notorious terrorist hate group, he offers up the fact that Dawkins said quote i'm all for offending people's religion i think it should be offended at every opportunity end quote so he's not so much saying

that dawkins lynches catholics so much as he's admitting he thinks the big issue with the kkk is that they failed political correctness tests that's what i've always said. Yeah, well, I know. I have to edit that out constantly. And finally tonight, in Rooking Can Be Fun news, the World Chess Federation proved themselves to be a lot dumber than they sound last week when they chose Iran to be the host nation for the Women's World Championship of Chess next year. That's real. That's where they chose. Hey, FIFA, Olympics, chess people,

maybe who can bring the most sand needs to stop being the standard for where we hold sportsy, competing things. I'm just saying. I have notes. So, as the venue for a competition of highly intelligent women, they chose a country that treats the entire gender like a collection of baby holes that bake. Right.

And that's why several players have already decided to boycott the event, citing among their reasons, I'm not wearing a hijab or following a dress code, I'm a grown-ass adult. Well, right, right. An even more offensive was the Iranian response. The liaison explained, quote, the nation of Iran is treating these women with great care

as we know they are able to move both straight and diagonally and for many spaces at once, end quote. Which, I mean, honestly is worth reflecting on, okay? In chess, the woman character can go wherever the fuck she wants, which means that modern-day Iranian culture is regressive compared to a 14th century old board game. Okay, but to be fair, the queen in chess also doesn't have a clitoris i have checked extensively extensively and he gets it so uh shouldn't be a surprise to anyone but it turns out that lots of women don't feel like visiting a place that would throw them in jail if they don't wear fucking rape curtains over their face during the trip.

Right. And not just because the men apparently can't avoid shoving their penis anywhere that's not covered by fabric. A problem with which I can empathize, I'm just saying. I'm building bridges here. Although I'm guessing that's one of their biggest reasons. A couple of other factors might include the risk of being legally executed

if you say something mean about the religion that's behind the rape curtain laws. Yeah. And also the general principle of don't go to Iran. That's a great principle. Probably.

Yeah. Also works as a foreign policy, Hillary. I'm just throwing it out there for you in case you're listening. And one other fun detail. The current U.S. champion is one of the women who's already announced her intention to skip the tournament. And her name is Nazi. Now, I'm sure it's from a culture where that word doesn't mean party of Hitler. sure where that word doesn't mean party of hitler but regardless if your country is trying to wipe israel off the map and someone named nazi still finds it offensive might be time to rethink your

country sadly iran disagrees and they're sticking with the maniacal islamic theocracy apparently which means they will need our help with more anti-feminist activities on a rainy day. So let's go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock. Ideas for Iran's misogyny board game sector. Go. All right. I love it. I love it.

How about Trivial Pantsuit, a game where we ask questions about the wardrobes of female candidates that we'd never give the slightest fuck about if she had a dick. Clue, honor kill edition. Who didn't do it? What about poop shoots and corporate ladders?

Bottom your way to the top. Maybe dick Pictionary, a game of win, lose, or draw wild inferences based on nothing but a polite smile. Rape escape. That was just for the 90 kids.

They'll get it. Okay. This is a thing with Clay. About Womanopoly. If you pass go, collect $156. That's still pretty good. But you should be fine with that because jail is slightly less rapey.

Let's be honest, intellectually. Along the same lines, and slightly easier, what if they just sold you 78.3% of payday? Ooh, I like it. A little more Islamic feature. Housetrap. If you can find your way out, Muhammad says you're innocent. All right. I got one more.

What about FGM operation? Don't touch the labia, or... Actually, we're going to touch that, too. We're going to do a lot of work on that as well. And rather than cheat you out of a moment to imagine what the board looks like on that game, we're going to close out the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

FGM operation. And when we come back, Tom and Cecil will return for another tongue lashing. And then when we're done with that, we'll record the last Vulgarity for Charity segment. And then when we're done with that, we'll record the last Vulgarity for Charity segment. Welcome back to the fourth and somewhat final edition of Vulgarity for Charity. In case you missed it on Cogdiss this week, we closed the fundraiser on Sunday with a whopping $25,530 raise for ModestNeeds.org.

So let's get right to it. And sitting next to my right armpit with a smell that matches my good friend Heath Enright. Heath, welcome to still being here. My arteries are so clogged, I make other people smell burnt toast. You should be used to this by now. Sitting 81 miles to my right or 456,000 of his penis length is my bad friend Eli Bosnick.

Eli, how you doing, man? Oh, thank you, Noah. Glad you took a break from posing for Cleveland's new logo to be here. I think we're looking for something a little less racist. But of course, we can't do vulgarity right without the help of a couple of guys that are just a few nicknames and a fart machine away from playing pop music during your morning commute. Tom and Cecil of the Cognitive Dissonance Podcast.

Gentlemen, thanks for joining us. How dare you mock my dreams, Noah. All I have left. I'm surprised somebody hasn't taken 50% of them. Yeah. I was supposed to do a roasty response here, but I want to actually really quickly, I know you added for time,

so I'm going to be super quick, Noah. I just want to say thank you guys for doing all this. We did so much work on this. This is more work than Tom and I have ever put into a fundraiser before. This is more work than I've ever put into anything, including my after marriage. I wanted to say, too, thank you to Eli, who did a ton of work. And if you don't – I mean you really don't understand how much he's done. He put together a 300-plus page document of people to be roasted, and that's only one thing that he did.

Right. So, I mean, he really did the lion's share of the work. We want to thank you guys for all the work you did so i'm not going to give you a roast your response i'm just going to say that all right right on right on i'll cut it in post and keep this a nice and bitter why are you being nice to people yeah right you set the entirely wrong word for this shit all right well i'll tell you what let's let the games begin we'll shift gears here a little bit. Heath, you're up first. We got a donation from Sam asking us to roast Chuck, who had us roast Sam last time we did this,

and he'd like to return the favor. All right, Chuck looks like Santa got a job interview to teach at a community college. He decided to do a bunch of cocaine before the interview. He looks like a cartoon of Freud's personal id. All right, next up we got a donation and a really nice email from Rick asking us to roast his brother Dave in the kindest way possible. Wanted more of a letter of encouragement than a roast. And when I think encouragement and kindest way possible, I think of Tom.

So, Tom, you want to take this one? Oh. Well, I'm an encouraging kind of guy. It's sort of my thing, Rick. So I decided to write this in the form of a little letter that Dave can refer back to in those dark times when he's checking his drop height calculations and warning if an extension cord will hold his weight. Dearest Dave, Rick tells me you used to want to be a force for good, but that since joining the actual force, you've become cynical and jaded. There's no need for that, man. Let cynicism and jadedness stay the purview of your lesser brothers in blue.

Those who strapping on their Kevlar and bat utility belts in the morning, but moan the fact that the only thing that gets them hard anymore is remembering the sound of taser prongs piercing skin. Don't become one of those guys you see strutting around pretending that sucking in their gut makes any appreciable difference don't lead with your disgusting distended belly as you waddle your way through the world come back to us dave my god rick said you were thinking about voting for trump that's no way to live man but if you do find yourself feeling hopeless and dismayed having just punched the trump ticket and wondering who's going to deport all the people who keep the nation running while we sleep i do have one little piece of advice the extension cord will hold oh wow

there you go rick play that one for David Christmas. Building bridges. Alright. I'll take this next one. We got a donation from Marie asking us to roast Sandy Rios. That would be Sandy Megan Kelly chose poorly Rios. Bitch looks like the substitute teacher that gets arrested for letting her ninth grade class fill all her holes in a

couple of impromptu creases. She looks like fucking, she looks like fucking she looks like heath's martha stewart fuck doll got damaged in a house fire believe me i've seen that i've seen what that looks like and see so we also got a donation from matthew asking us to roast his cousin nolan who stopped speaking to him because of his atheism okay so i i know that uh nolan stopped talking to you but i just wanted to pass along how he's doing now, Matt. He got a job at the Glory Hole through his parole officer, and then he got fired the next day for pestering the customers with, you're going to eat that. And Eli, we got a special request for you from Riss asking us to take on her transphobic asshole brother who attempted to ruin her wedding.

I think you can go all Tom on this ass. Please, I invented mean. Tom was having sex with girls in high school when I was trying to convince them to kill themselves. You know what? It's kind of the same effect after all. Alright, let's see what you got, Eli. Alright, here we go. Listen to me, you transphobic, empty shithole of a troll.

Let's set the record straight. You're not a bully. You're not smart. You're not standing up for anything. You're just a coward. I mean, Jesus, does the fact that your sister-in-law makes a better man and woman than you scare you so much that you have to bully your own brother in hopes of ruining the wedding? I mean, I guess it it does and i get it i really do because people like you are small and most importantly and i mean this from the bottom of my goddamn heart people like you are stupid and you know it your

whole life there's been a part of you that's just awake enough to realize there are parts of this world you can't fucking see doors that are closed that you just can't fucking open. And you know what? Rhi would have opened them for you. She really would have. She'd have let you, she would have taught you new words. She'd have taught you new ideas. You had the chance, that rare chance to be a man that lives beyond his limitations. But instead you fell right the fuck back in line. So instead of being scary or mean or anti-PC or whatever the fuck you picture yourself as, dude, you are entirely ordinary. I mean, except for the Chia Pet looking head. Maybe they'll put that on the tombstone

for Ree and your brother to spit on. Oh, wow. Oh, shit. Well done, well done. I was just checking you on the pronunciation Okay Heath We got a donation from Rachel asking us to roast her Now you know Rachel right

You guys have met Yeah we've met once or twice Okay roast away Alright Rachel looks like she fucked her way to the bottom Of the corporate ladder at a magic trick Oh shit Oh two people in the world understand that joke that's a good one

you just have to trust us that's a good one Tom it's time to reclaim your meanness title here we got a donation from Robert asking us to roast his friend Marley soon to be ex-wife Miss Dean which is apparently a people name Miss Dean all right now Courtney little bio Miss Mistine, which is apparently a people name.

Mistine. All right. Now, according to a little bio, Mistine is a Native American, but it explains the name, I guess. I don't know specifically which tribe Mistine belongs to. So what I did is I ran her name through a number of translators to see what it might mean in her native tongue, a tongue she clearly uses to pierce the assholes of unclean truckers. So here goes. Miss Dean, she who walks like a man. Miss Dean, she who gets Christmas cards from the VD clinic. Miss Dean, she whose life's ambition, yet unrealized, is toll booth operator.

Miss Dean, she who will die as she lived, naked and afraid. yet unrealized is toll booth operator. Mistine, she who will die as she lived, naked and afraid. Oh, God. Mistine, whose spirit animal is a parasite. All right, somebody got their money's worth. All right, I'm going to take this next one. Aaron gave us money and asked us to roast his former boss, Dr. Michael.

And I wanted to do this because I want to congratulate Dr. Michael for somehow managing to be a narcissist despite looking like the hobbit that does the accounting.

I'm sorry, that hair piece, bro, did your grandma crochet that for you? Your fucking head looks like the rim of Cecil's toilet. I don't know

what they told you it was made out of bro it's all pubes and cecil we also got a donation from katherine asking us to roast her former co-worker sarah a crunchy smelly anti-gmo hippie hold on i gotta knock the pubes off this mic give me a second okay um i don't think it helped man i didn't actually't, actually. No, I didn't even think I dusted any off there. So Sarah looks kind of like Yoko Ono's Jewish stunt double. She looks like her head is cocked to the side like that because she's desperately trying to cram thoughts into her ear. And Eli, we got a request from Chris for you specifically to roast his boss, Sean.

Oh, thank goodness. Jesus. Sean looks like the penguin's embarrassing dad that tries to talk his friends at the villain lair about Jesus before they discuss how to bring down his super friends. Seriously, Sean, at least pirates had scurvy as an excuse. I'm just saying, no one who has access to oranges should have those teeth. Alright, let's do a couple of challenges here.

Heath, we got a donation from Simo asking us to roast Finnish Minister of Affairs Timo Zawini or something, but I'm going to challenge you to do it by describing his typical day. Okay. Looks like he starts off each day with a healthy breakfast of eating Patton Oswalt's face. Then he usually spends most of the workday Oswalt's face. Then he usually spends most of the workday eating Al Franken's face. And then he likes to unwind at the end of the day by

chaining up Carrie Fisher in a gold bikini and eating her face. Alright, we also got a donation from Robert asking us to take down Wobby Weaver, but Tom, my challenge to you is to roast him entirely in baby talk. Oh, God.

Aw, isn't that cute? It's Widow Wobby Weaver. Hey, Widow Wobby. I'd change your diaper, but I can't tell which is your face and which is the pile of shit. Aw, don't cry, Widow Guy. Did someone ask you to do something with your shitty, bitty little life? Don't you worry, Widow Wobby.

I won't ask anything of you. I know you have nothing to give. And I'm just collecting the state checks until I can kick you out on your 18th birthday. Oh, and if you run away, you won't have to look over your shoulder because no one is coming to look for you. You just stole that from my mom. Do a real one, though. Let's all cry at the same time. I'll go first.

All right, Cecil, we also got a donation from Alice asking us to roast the U.S. military specifically for their continued transphobia, and I'd like you to do it in the voice of your best drill instructor. Oh, great. I'm going to sound like an old Jew at the end of this. All right, here we go. Listen up, you maggots. Do you realize we use unisex outfits, don't you?

You don't get all weird when someone doesn't look like a Jim or a Frank. You just fucking call them Jim or Frank. So how about you stop this bullshit and let people be who they want to be? And let's start focusing on more important things, like how many terrorists can dance on the head of a predator

drone! I liked it. I liked it. Fantastic. Those are my favorite kind of old Jews. Almost as mad about that guy's glasses. And my last challenge goes to Eli. Eli, Garth wants us to roast an Australian balloon twister. No

name given, but plenty of pictures, and I'd love you to do it as Ray Comfort. Oh, all right, fantastic. What we've got here is obviously some kind of demon shapeshifter. Don't let his guys as Guy Fieri's bookie fool you, but in three simple questions about the mashed potatoes this demon shapeshifter hid under his shirt to disguise his true form, we will reveal that he truly believes in God.

Gibbity gibbity. Okay. We're doing roasts though. I got one for Noah. We got a donation from Hertzie asking us to roast their dad, but I'd like you to do it as my favorite character, Inside Out Island Girl. Let's see. I don't remember this character

exactly. Hello. I'm a little girl that was born inside out. Each morning when I brush my teeth, I have to insert the toothbrush into my reverse asshole and wiggle it up through my hollow skin core. Unlike Hertz's dad, I have a medical excuse for having no brain contained within my body. And when the nurses push a mirror up my backwards eyeball through my nose

so that I can see what I look like, I always comfort myself by saying, I could have been born a Herzi's dad. I love Inside Out, little girl. She does need a t-shirt. She does need a t-shirt. And with that, it looks like it's time for our very first Spightling Round of the evening. The category is the trumpets of doom. That's trumpets of doom.

Thanks to Michael Donovan, Morgan, Kate, Vincent, and Elisa. Here's your challenge. You are Donald Trump. Sorry about that.

It's 4 30 AM. Fucking disgusting. Like it will be when I finish this edit, you reach for your rose gold iPhone, the one with the screen still sticky from the pictures of your daughter. And you decide to let loose a series of scorching tweets. I got a couple of targets for you, starting with Ohio political hopeful and scientist who warns you about giant spiders on the sci-fi network, Stephen Spoonamore.

Okay. Stupid Stephen Spoonamore. Terrible politics. Terrible decisions. We'll never get 15,000 gigawatts. I'm going to make America great again. All right. How about the only thing to ever come out of Phyllis Schlafly's vagina wet?

Andrew Schlafly. Yeah, here's the thing. I'm not doing anything as Donald Trump. I refuse to recognize his existence. But I will say that Andrew Schlafly runs Conservapedia, which means he's a man dedicated to the truth and its ultimate destruction. runs conservapedia which means he's a man dedicated to the truth and its ultimate destruction andrew shafley has homeschooled 250 kids proving that his knowledge of how homeschooling works is as skewed as well his knowledge of how literally anything else works andrew shafley is so fucking stupid he believes conservapedia well done sir all right how. How about Kentucky governor and most punchable face 2015, Matt Bevin?

Oh, okay. All right. Here. Here's President Trump's tweet. Here we go. Matt Bevin has a powerful lower half. He needs it to inseminate his wife nine times. What a blessing.

Hashtag he doesn't skip leg day. Hashtag his tears sustain me. All right. How about Trump campaign manager and Angelina Jolie, who's seen a ghost impersonator, Kellyanne Conway? At Conway Tweety, you look like the Crypt Keeper got a botched facelift. Why aren't you making me look better? That was the whole point. got a botched facelift.

Why aren't you making me look better? That was the whole point. And of course, also Trump advisor and man who looks like he's always about to say, my hairline's right behind me, isn't it? Boris Epstein. And I'll take him myself. At loveborisxxx, you look like Reince Priebus got dumped in junior high

and never recovered. I prefer Batman henchmen that don't get wedgies into their mid-30s. Oh, that's a good one. That's a good one. Also, we've got here Florida Attorney General and Peyton Manning in drag, Pam Bondi. All right.

Funds aren't the only thing that Pam Bondi raises for me. My tiny orange penis has come stuck to my stomach. Need help, please. My tinier fingers can't pry it out. Like a Tyrannosaurus trying to masturbate. You're distressingly good at the tweets, my friend. No, that one was worthy of a wee treat from Peppy the Frog, if ever I heard one.

We also had two requests for the meanest roast we could muster, and for that we're calling on Tom. First up, we got a donation from Sandra asking us to roast Jed, her sister's ex-husband. Oh, what to say about a man named Jed? Remember that doctor or scientist you once met at a cocktail party named Jed? No? Yeah, me either. And there's a reason for that.

No one who's ever done one good, good decent or meaningful thing in his entire fucking life has ever been saddled with and chosen to keep the ridiculous moniker jed jed is an asshole name and when i say that what i mean very specifically is that jed is the personal embodiment of a prolapsed shit stained bulging hemorrhoidal torn and bloody anus jed is the human equivalent of a maggot covered bum shit fermenting in a pool of the last bloody vomitus from a dying street hunker jed is such a monstrous horror show atrocity there is talk of a nuremberg class reunion in his honor all right well saying, there's a good chance that Tom's roast evolves into

Jack Kerouac's The Road. I don't want to rule that out. Well, while he's on such a roll, how about Cameron's uncle? Alright, Cameron's uncle Ryan is a monster. And not like a cute, multicolored fluffy-haired monster with a googly-eyed

best friend! Nope. Ryan is the kind of feckless, dickless, useless sack of worthless hair and teeth whose only possible value that he will ever offer to the world will be to eventually give his carbon back to the Earth. Ryan

is such a wretch, such a disgusting, disposable hunk of worthless walking, talking excrement that his organs were proactively rejected for donation for lack of takers. Ryan is so deplorable. So completely and utterly without use or merit dogs would rather be euthanized than to accept a pat on the head from

him ryan is the only man whose actual personality has a foul and mysterious odor ryan recently answered a quick phone survey and alas even the briefest glimpse from the telemarketer into the life and personality of ryan caused that marketer to commit suicide rather than live for even one moment with so much as a cursory knowledge of Ryan. Well done, sir. We'll give you a break. We'll give you a minute.

We also got a donation from John asking us to roast his brother, Byron. Eli, you want to take this one? Oh, okay. Well, John, nice try. That's obviously a panda you stole from the zoo. And this charade has gone on long enough. Seriously.

I have never seen someone's eyebrows try to escape from their face. But then again, until now, I hadn't seen Byron's face. All right. Tom's had plenty of time to recover. We also got a donation from Brandon asking us to lay into Jeff Mendocino, a professional fighting game player, whatever the hell that means. Yeah, this is amazing, because Jeff is literally an internet tough guy.

Right. For real. I mean, we're talking about a guy who not only plays games professionally, which means he takes seriously the trials and tribulations of Ryu, but who also plays as a girl character who you just fucking know

he has masturbated to at least twice. This morning. Yeah, right. Jeff was described as a bit of a troll, which seems accurate, but trolls live under bridges, not under their mom's house. Oh, shit. And what does being a professional in the high-stakes world of video games even pay these days? Is it a pain in the ass exchanging gold coins for real cash?

Do you supplement your income sucking dick or is that just a stress relief from throwing imaginary fireballs all day? All right. Also, Cecil, we got a donation from Jonathan asking us to roast his friend Damon. So Damon looks like at many points in his life he was the thinnest juggalo in the room. Which in that tribe actually means you're the bottom. Clearly. Alright, I'll take this next one. We got a donation from Steve asking us to roast his brother

Dave, and my advice to this would chuck under an evil spell is to go back into the Navy. That is the only chance you ever have of getting anything wet again, bro. In your little profile, Steve said you enjoyed exciting pastimes like spreadsheets and watering your grass. I guess he had the decency not to add eating the tear-soaked bagel you just fucked.

Now, Heath, as our resident music critic, I believe this next one is for you. Wait, wait, wait. Why am I the music critic? I don't want to get into it. Just trust me. What? I don't believe in music. We don't have time to get into all of this.

What does he mean? What do you mean you don't believe in music? I have never seen any evidence that quote unquote music exists. That's actually insane. Yes, it is. It is. So let's just leave it there. Heath, we got a donation from Flower of Disgust asking you to roast them.

Go for it. All right. I actually listened to a little bit of their stuff. They sound like Frank Zappa got put in charge of the elevators at Gitmo. And the worst part, they're probably going to take that as a compliment. Conceptual. I want to revisit this. Hold on a second.

You don't think music's so like, like, da-da-da-da, like that's not music? That's talking! That's talking! How do you even person? That's, yeah, yeah.

$50,000 question right there. It's just long talking. This next one's for me. We got a donation from Barr asking us to roast his friend Carl. And I looked at this dude's picture and I'm not sure whether to insult him or snatch a pebble out of his hand.

Seriously, you would expect to find this guy if you just trekked up a Tibetan mountain to ask how to restart your router. Alright, Eli, we got a special request from Jessie asking you to roast her friend Will who loves video games, smoking her cigarettes, and obscure historical trivia.

That's him, not me. Oh, okay. Well, Will looks like his pickup line is to tell women the wage gap doesn't exist. He looks like the human embodiment of a teacher telling you you can stop raising your hand in class. He looks like Porky Pig's son wrote a tell-all book about being abused at an all-boys school. Oh, no! I'd read that. Alright, Heath, we got a donation from Ryan asking us to roast

his friend Wade, who loves guns and Donald Trump. Okay, Wade looks like Bam Bam Bigelow overdosed on circus peanuts. It's not. Like the gingers have souls kid grew a beard and became less

successful and stopped getting gigs all right tom this next one's for you and it's so goddamn good i feel like i don't owe you a birthday gift this year or any other year because i it's not like i ever was gonna do that anyway james donated asking us to roast his ex-wife jamie enjoy roast jamie from the looks of jamie she appears to be the whole roast herself the pig roast jamie has a master's in theater which surprised me because i didn't think they awarded set pieces with the degree looking at her i'd say maybe her degree was in pre-med but if not it's certainly in pre-diabetes i expect you to be chasing around kermit the Frog and karate chopping Muppets in a photo.

All right, Cecil, got another one for you. We got a secret donation from somebody who didn't give their name asking us to roast Darlene Dusty Miller. Oh, the picture on this is amazing. She looks like one of those faces of meth that you've been following for like 15 years. She probably has to pay extra to fly since those bags under her eyes

look too large to be carry-ons. Now it's time for another challenge. We had a couple of folks who bought their insults in bulk. So for these next couple,

my challenge for you is to insult all the people purchased in one complete package. Heath, are you ready? All right, let's do it. Stacey would like you to insult Steve King, Chuck Grassley, Terry Brandstadt, and Judge Randy DeGeest, I guess.

Go for it. Okay, in a single word, Iowa. Shortest rose yet. But if I was going to go into a little more detail, I'd mention that Steve King and Chuck Grassley helped get Terry Branstad elected governor again, and Terry Branstad appointed Randy DeGeest as a judge. And DeGeest is batting a thousand on releasing

pedophiles who rape one-year-olds and giving them no jail time. Wow. That's all real. Also, all together, they look like a corn-themed boy band from the 70s. They're like new kids on the stock. All right, I'm going to do this next one.

Local gave us $300 and asked us to insult a big bunch of people, so here we go. Pauline Hanson is such a racist idiot, she wants to build a wall to keep out the indigenous Australians. Christopher Pine looks like Australian Rand Paul. Fuck the Australians. Show me where like Australian Rand Paul fuck the Australians show me where he touched you doll. Rupert Murdoch will die alone and depressed

and without ever having found his precious. George Brandis is the racist Twitter troll of domestic policy and he looks like a Chris Berman

fuck doll. Malcolm Turnbull is fond of saying taxation isn't about skinning the sheep it's about distracting people while I fuck them. Mother Teresa

looked like the California raisins found meth in the 90s and Locos buddy buddy professor lancaster looks like he should be telling his victims about his favorite huey lewis album all right got a little run for you here tuesday so we got 200 bucks from christine asking us to roast dr alano the high on life sunday fun days group christopher columbus brock turner's rights activist, the stingray that killed Steve Irwin, Louie Gohmert, and Chuck Rosenberg. Jesus Christ.

Okay, all right. Well, they're all similar to New York style pizza. Dr. Alain O is a chiropractor and he specializes in malpractice with floppy things that should be able to hold their shape. High on Life Sunday Fun Days is a garbage group, which is the same food group

as New York style pizza. Brock Turner is a thin, greasy thing that relies on you being nearly unconscious to penetrate you. Christopher Columbus is an Italian import that does a shitty job of being likable. Men's Right Activist, if you consume it, you won't stop talking about suicide. Similar to Chuck Rosenberg, the head of the DAA. It only exists because of heavy drug use. Like Louie Gohmert, stupid people think it's the best choice, and the stingray that killed Steve Irwin makes us all cry.

Excellent. Excellent. Well done, sir. And speaking of requests, Tom Cecil, we got a couple of requests for you. Michael would like you to insult his best friend, Martin, and Mike would like you to insult Chad. Alright martin and mike would like you to insult chad all right martin appears fucking swole bro like for real like someone get an epi penny if yours about to burst martin is a guy cecil and i actually almost met in person but thankfully we had fun instead seriously martin looks like the

gallbladder of good times like someone combined a date rapey house party with a social disease oh for chad chad we were given a lot of fun facts about chad um but not only was that list almost as boring as chad but it was woefully incomplete so here's some more fun facts about ch Chad his buddy forgot to mention. Chad enjoys every movie in the Nicolas Cage canon and refers to Nick Cage as his sexual muse. Chad harbors a secret desire to be one of the Gilmore Girls. Chad tried to rid himself of parasites once and disappeared completely. After Chad was born, Chad's mom suddenly became pro-choice all right okay so martin kind of looks like a hairless version of chunk from the goonies but

the only one-eye willie he searches for is a few hundred inches under his gut sag he he looks like he got kicked out of the hot dog eating contest, not for actually eating the wieners, but smacking them off his face and deep throwing them. Chad kind of looks like the guy who plays the Hulk, but if Chad transformed, he wouldn't become like a giant muscle-bound monster. He'd become a huge floppy vagina. And instead of jumping long distances, he'd just queef himself everywhere.

I would wish that. To sort of float a motion. All right, Eli, this is a request for you and I together, and you're going to have to explain it to me. We got a donation from Ryan asking that you and I roast Team Leader's Candle and Spark. Now, I do know what all of those words mean, just maybe not in that order. Okay, okay. So there's this game called Pokemon Go. I've heard of it, yeah. what all of those words mean, just maybe not in that order. Okay.

Okay. So there's this game called Pokemon Go. I've heard of it, yeah. Okay, and there are teams. Okay. And in the game, each of the teams has a leader. Like a real-life leader?

No, no, no. It's three cartoons. Why the fuck not? Okay. Okay. And he's asking us to insult Candela and Spark. who are two of the cartoons yeah candela is the only black person in the pokemon universe really yeah yeah japanese

don't care for black people and we all just pretend it's cool and spark is the head of team instinct the who oh oh yeah okay so Valor are like the bros, Team Mystic are the nerds, and Team Instinct are the ones that mean they had three teams instead of two. Sure, okay. Why not? So yeah, basically,

Candela looks like she should be shouting down someone at a university speaking about how it's okay to rape your Pokemon, and Spark looks like he should have a how-to-rape-your-Pokemon YouTube channel. Pikachu. Pikachu. Exactly. Holy fuck.

If I got to go through that, somebody else does too. So, Tom. Dear God, what? We got a donation from Stacy asking you to listen to Eli describe his workout routine as a fellow gym rat.

No. No. No. Give the money back. I don't care. Not worth it. No. Here we go.

Look at us. Two gym bros just comparing workouts, pumping up, squapping down, squinching in. I will donate $25,000 right now to make this bit stop. Okay. Let's see. Typical whoa. That's workout, but you know that 50 000 i'll give 50 000 this is not a silent auction guys i have the money your wife has the money 25 000 start with a little

jump rope okay cardio is good cardio is good uh if i can get two guys to hold either end that is there we go here it is then I do some bench jacks or some heavy press on the Smith machine. That's not how that is. And then, you know, I just stand by the lunk alarm in case anybody bangs weights or does anything too aggressive. I have to stop this right now!

Leave him on the floor. This is his time to shine. Alright, well, while we wait for Eli to wake up again for the second time in this roast, let's hear from our first guest roaster of the night, the lovely Tracy Harris. Wow. I've never seen someone actually sweat while they've been passed out. And does he always jerk off when he starts to go unconscious?

Yeah. It's crazy. I saw him start to choke on a peanut once, and he immediately got his dick out. It was, like, so fast. That's horrifying and kind of hot, actually, it seemed. Yeah, Tracy's going to love this intro. Hi, this is Tracy Harris from The Atheist Experience, and I didn't write any of this. I just want to be very clear on that.

And since I agreed to do this before I saw what the guys were going to write, apparently they chose to give me all the inter-atheism drama. Thanks, guys! Okay, first up, Jason donated some money asking me to roast my friend Matt Dillahunty and David McCraney. And while it's true that Matt looks like he's about to induct you into a secret society of sports mascots who dress like Kung Fu Masters and that David looks like Seth Andrews in Witness Protection, Jason specially requested that they get the roasting they deserve for telling everybody they were coming up with something cool last year when apparently all they did was go to Martha's Vineyard for a Brokeback Mountain getaway. At least release the video of you two fucking.

Next up, we got a donation from Naughty Naked Nate requesting that I roast the Kardashians. I'd say it's shooting fish in a barrel, but I'm pretty sure that's an insult to the intelligence of both fish and barrels. Kim recently announced that she might vote for Trump, and I'm afraid it's because someone on Twitter managed to convince her that her kids' lives don't matter. The Kardashians are the Hemet meta of feminism and LGBT equality. You know you're supposed to support them because of what they represent, but in any other life, they should be selling perfume. And a big thank you to Michael, who donated for that roast of Hemet. And finally, we got a donation from Greg, asking me to roast the lovely Cara Santa Maria,

and one from James, who wants me to roast Christians who call into the atheist experience and then get frustrated or rude when Matt isn't there. And I don't know what to say about Cara. She's intelligent, successful, beautiful. If she hadn't publicly admitted to handling Bill Maher's geriatric balls, there'd be no roast material at all. And as for those disappointed callers, just bite the bullet and pay for a dominatrix, folks. At least they'll give you a safe word before they start tearing into your asshole. Thank you, Tracy. Don't worry, atheists have great senses of humor about themselves, and they take criticism well, as we've learned.

What happened? I'm awake. Did Tom choke me to sleep again? He sure did, buddy. All right, so first request here is from Don to roast Hans. All right, so Don told us all about Hans being that guy who everyone hates at work. He's like the Mormon Farva of their teaching job. He's like if losing a sneeze was a person. Hans, everyone hates you. Every time someone has to see you, it's like having negative one-tenth of an orgasm.

You are the worst. All right, this next one's for me. David would like us to roast his friend's boyfriend, Gene, who is a Doctor Who fan and creator of Doctor Who fan films. All right, this next one's for me. David would like us to roast his friend's boyfriend, Gene, who is a Doctor Who fan and creator of Doctor Who fan films. Just what the goddamn world needs. Fan fiction from a man who looks like Colin Farrell got cast as Michael Jackson's skeleton. Look, I'm sorry, bro.

If you want people to watch a video with audio that bad, it's going to need a man with a flaming neck hole and a few laser vultures. Also, eat something, you emaciated fuck. The only reason there aren't flies on your face is that they determine you lack sufficient calories to support their maggots later. Oh, yes. Okay, Eli, this one's a special request for you. This one's a special request for you.

I'm going to go with Leitchi, who donated $100 just to hear you roast an Icelandic volcano spelled E-Y-J-A-F-J-A-L-L-A-J-O with an umlaut K-U-L-L. Okay. This fucking thing is spelled I-J-J-A-L-A-J-O-K-U-L, but it's apparently pronounced E-Y-J-A-F-J-A-L-L-A-J-O-K-U-L. Fuck you, Finland. You don't fool me, Finland. I know you made up Finland just to fuck with me, Finland. Fucking lame-ass inaction volcano with your asshole name. You don't know me, Finland. You don't know me.

Take that, volcano. And with that, we've got time for another quick Spikening Round. The category is Those Assholes. Now, this is a category we've dedicated to folks who weren't asking us to roast a particular individual, just a group of assholes who really deserve it. Thanks to James, Michael, Evan, and Thomas for their donations.

Your challenge is to start as a compliment and take a hard right turn into the roast. So, starting with Homophobic Churches. All right. As a secular person, sometimes I miss the community and camaraderie of church i miss the songs the ritual the molestation i mean really without churches telling us who we can have sex with and how what moral guidelines would i use to know if raping kids was as bad as when two consenting adults play with their butts you know who gets really worried about who's playing with whose butts dudes who long for a ball gag and rough hands, but who just can't go hunting for what they need.

So instead, they have to basically invent hell, which is nothing more than poorly written homoeroticism. It's just a monochromatic subs fetish playland. All right, how about the Westboro Baptist Church? All right, well, we're coming up on the holiday season, and Westboro Baptist runs a great hotline about turkey safety. So that's a really nice thing. They protest funerals of dead soldiers. Hope they all die of dry heaves from salmonella poisoning. All right.

Obviously, this one's for you, Eli. Electronic arts. Oh, well, I, for one, just want to say I love The Sims, and I think it really follows through on their branding since they created The Sims. That would explain why EA's customer service is like being trapped in a pool with no ladder that's on fire. And how about the Australian brewing company, CUB?

All right. Okay, so we are Carlton United Breweries. We brew beer. Well, we brew Fosters. Actually, we don't so much brew it as extract it from the urine of homeless immigrants. And the extraction process doesn't always kill them. All right, Tom, we got a donation from Working Class Skeptic asking us for an insult for Don Murr. Oh, Christ.

Don Murr was described as a man who makes his employees miserable. But that just must be an extension of the misery and pain he feels every morning when he wakes up, opens his beady little eyes, and remembers that he is still Don Murr. still Don Murr. And when he rolls over in his empty bed in his equally empty apartment and stumbles to the can to pinch his micro-penis between his fingers to piss away the only good thing about his life and watch

it swirl down the drain, at least he can rest easy knowing that his life may be worthless and pitiable. But at least when he finally shuffles off this mortal coil, the medical examiner will be forced to see him naked, making that number officially one. All right, Cecil, we got a donation from Brett asking for a roast of Ben Affleck. Ben Affleck.

OK, well, Ben Affleck is a Red Sox and a Patriots fan. And when you hear that, it makes sense because all of his speaking roles sound like he has a giant dick in his mouth. I seriously have nothing else to say about Ben Affleck. He's like fucking as boring as a 40 degree day. I seriously have nothing else to say. Alright Heath we got a donation from Justin asking us to roast his friend

Brian Stroud. Justin sent us nothing but a link to Brian's Facebook photos which you can't fucking see if you're not friends with Brian. So maybe we'll get to Brian on the next episode if Justin sends us something useful. And now that we got a blank space to fill, I'm going to use it to mention that we got a Facebook message from Eric, the guy we roasted last week whose girlfriend is trying to start a Dutch to English translation business. last week whose girlfriend is trying to start a Dutch to English translation business. And apparently Eric felt left out because we didn't directly roast him as well, other than to point out that his girlfriend's fucking stupid.

So here it is. Eric looks like a street vendor for falafel and Star Trek figurines. His face is like a permanent stubble version of the mustache and glasses costume. All right, I'll take this next one. We got a donation from Kyle asking us to roast the gross guy who stalks his wife at work. Because I want to make it clear to gross guy that, look, it's not that your wife is fucking some other guy. It's just that no dick is still better than your dick. She'd rather condemn her cunt to forever be as dry and unpopulated as a

lunar Mario than fuck you, you insecure, pencil-dicked, sackless loaf of vaginal desiccant. Alright, so Eli, Manuel had two friends he wanted us to roast, but they're a couple of ugly, stupid fucks, so I figured I'd make for a pretty easy twofer. Okay, let me look at this photo. Jesus, these guys

look like an old California gold miner reenacted the Elian Gonzalez photos after Elian traded his teeth for a ride back to the States. All right, we've got one for you here. Alex would like a roast of himself, and he sent us a picture of him holding an adorable baby pig.

Okay, well, he claims that he got rid of the disgusting fucking ponytail from the picture, but that's what people with disgusting fucking ponytails always say. So, going by the picture, Alex looks like he should be playing roller hockey on the roof of a quick stop in Jersey. He looks like his

character description for real life is random pothead friend from 1994. Same as Noah, actually. Yeah, I was going to say. Reading my business cards, you asshole. All right. Cecil, we got a donation from Robert asking us to roast his sister, Roxanne.

Oof, man. Tell you, no matter how far Roxanne stands from the door, she always fills the entire peephole with her face. She looks like someone stretched leather over a snow shovel. She looks like a catcher's mitt with hair. Alright, Tom, we got a donation from Thomas asking us to roast his buddy Paul.

Alright, well, Paul is the kind of shitty cardiologist who tells you this wouldn't have happened to you if you hadn't had that third sack of Doritos. Paul is the kind of doctor who tries to get you to make lifestyle choices instead of just giving you the goddamn life extension technology. Seriously, though, what the fuck is wrong with you, Thomas? Insult a fucking cardiologist?

No, thank you. While the rest of America is busy filleting firefighters and soldiers, I think I'll quietly give my thanks for the eventual and sizable team of doctors who will inevitably have to replace my worn and broken body with mechanical parts from the goddamn future insult a cardiologist fuck you thomas unless you also happen to be a cardiologist in which case i love you don't let me die. All right. I saved the easiest one for myself. Michael wanted a roast of his fat, lazy, child-abandoning ex-wife, Dacia. And holy shit, she looks like she should be wiping out the dinosaurs. Seriously, I don't believe I've ever seen something that big that wasn't mostly made of dark matter.

Luckily for the Earth's Procession, she's a lazy bitch that doesn't move around a whole lot. But to be fair, that also might be because she's afraid if she goes out in public, Eskimo fur traders will club her forearms. And with that, we'll move on to a segment that I like to call Master Debaters. We got several pairs of donations from friends who wanted one another roasted. So the challenge I pose to you is to debate which of them is more roast worthy and remember no matter who wins and who loses more people are listening to this than watch the vice presidential debates so there's at least that so tom eli lynn asked you to roast her girlfriend adrian and vice versa go okay well i'm going to nominate adrian who according to lynn has a vag like the hole they left in Harambe's head. Fair enough, fair enough.

But Lynn's nickname is Cunt Features, and even I don't know what that means. True, true. I really want to know. But Adrian is so emotionally shallow, her favorite TV show is The Mirror. Okay, here's my trump card. Lynn had a threesome with two Mormon missionaries. Okay, Lynn wins. Also, by request, slit.

Extended thing. I don't know what I do with my voice. I barely use my hands. All right. Cecil and Heath, this one's for you. Lane versus Tim. Master debate away. All right.

I'm saying Lane is the worst, hands down. His name is fucking Lane. Might as well be Blake Republican All Lives Matter the Third. Yeah, but Tim is a fucking film major. That means he's going to force everyone to watch his, you know, quote unquote documentary on Vimeo. The one guy he knew that spent the entire night out at an Occupy protest. Real fucking edgy, Tim. Okay, decent point,

but Lane's favorite band is System of a Down. Just to be clear, that means he enjoys listening to angry Armenian guys yell singing. Here's what they sound like to me. Just, Disordered!

That's the band. System of a down. Are those those guys who leave their keys lying around? Okay, okay, okay. But Tim is wearing an unironic animal print shirt and a polka-dotted headband. He looks like Carol Burnett grew a beard. Okay, but Lane has a fetish

about role-playing as a rapist, which is a really nice way of saying, Lane's probably a rapist if you don't agree to pretend he's a rapist. Yeah, but Tim is an actual rapist. I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Tim's a virgin. Really bad rapist. An underachiever.

That's on my business card. All right. And finally, Tom, much like an underage Filipino transient, I've got one for the two of us. Emma versus Matthew. Begin. All right. Well, I would say that Emma is a cum dumpster, but even dumpsters are sometimes empty, so we can't really go there.

Actually, that's pretty unfair, because from the looks of the bow tie and high-waisted pants, Emma and Cum are rather unaffiliated. Emma was, however, described as a vegan, feminist, lesbian atheist, which means Emma is perfect for this roast, because she is that rare flying narwhal of a person who is every variation of strident and annoying at the same time. Oh, shit! All right, well, that's all good points here,

but Matthew runs a chapter of the Secular Student Alliance, majors in social work, and started a nonprofit to help veterans. Why would you do all that shit if you were trying to disguise the fact that you're a raging, selfish asshole? Yeah, I'd actually tell you that that sounds kind of cynical, but I'm going to have to agree with you.

Right, right. And also, I also have to mention that he looks like gay date rapist Richie Cunningham, and his hairline is receding so fast Arctic glaciers are measuring it with satellite imagery. And on that note, we're going to turn things over to our final guest roaster for a special repeat performance, Andrew Torres of the Opening Arguments podcast. Hi, this is Andrew Torres from the Opening Arguments podcast. Hi, this is Andrew Torres from the Opening Arguments podcast, an official legal counsel for Puzzle in a Thunderstorm. Somebody

named Thomas donated to have Eli write things for me to say about Clarence Thomas, and we got a donation from Phil asking for an insult for Justice Anthony Kennedy. And I would just like to say, during my next argument before the Supreme Court, please, no one forward this to opposing counsel. Oh God, here we go. Justice Anthony Kennedy always looks like he's using one hand to comfort the other to forget all the things Scalia did to his butthole. Seriously, the first time this guy got to give an opinion was when Antonin's dead cock slid out of his mouth. It's like Justice Kennedy saw the cowardly lion as a kid and put it down as his career goal. Kennedy's not an activist judge.

He's inactive, by Terry Schiavo standards. And speaking of the brain-dead Clarence Thomas, Clarence Thomas looks like a witch gave David Duke control of everything that came out of his mouth for the last 30 years, and he's always reacting to it with horror and disappointment. Seriously, if Clarence kills himself, I think it will be legally admissible as reparations. Between his stance on civil rights and abortion, Clarence Thomas has fucked more black women than Bill Maher. I mean, isn't he just the perfect representation

of what the Republicans want out of a justice? A black man who probably thinks he has too many rights if you think about it, and who insists on a Stalin-esque show trial if anyone admits they showed him porn at the office. Kennedy might be a coward, but Thomas is a traitor. At least we can all take solace in the fact that even though he looks like the Q-tip Al Jolson used to black up in The Jazz Singer, the only legacy he's going to leave is that of the first generation to be free enough not to make change for the next one. That and long dong silver. And I would just like to add, Anthony Kennedy has been a reliable vote on LGBT issues,

and I think he will continue to do that going forward. So Eli made me say these things. Please, please, no one play this in open court. Thank you, Andrew. And now that we're damn sure that Andrew will never be snatched away from our show for a position on the Supreme Court, I guess we can get on with things. All right, this next challenge is a very special one. We got a few requests to roast, let's say, extraordinarily attractive people. And honestly, it just wouldn't feel right trying to mock them with the same set of tools that we use for Donald Trump Jr.

So, guys, your challenge for the following list is to complete the sentence for the following. I'd fuck her, but I wouldn't blank. All right. Starting with Steve's daughter, Sarah. Oh, okay. I'd fuck her, but I wouldn't follow her on Tumblr. Jesus, Sarah. You make me look like Milo Yiannopoulos.

You know, black people can be wrong about stuff. Math. Anything. Just pick one. All right. How about Trent's girlfriend, Whitney? Oh, awesome. Awesome. awesome yeah your non-binary girlfriend girl friend non-binary i'd fuck her but man i wouldn't know what to tip

best of luck with that one trent uh pro tip don't go buying any rings. If you do get unisex ones. All right, how about Zach's friend Amy, a French vegan hiker? Okay, well, first of all, in the picture, I'm quite certain she's holding a Ziploc bag of her own shit that she's about to carry off the hiking trail. And she's a vegan, so it probably looked the same on the way in. Also, she could definitely use a breast reduction. She's going to fall, like maybe a chromosome too.

So, I'd fuck her but I wouldn't do the motorboat for fear of a concussion. All right, and we also have the girl by the lake

23 quartered for four years. I'll take that one. I'd fuck her but I wouldn't buy a caravan off of her or let her speak.

Seriously, she looks like she should be explaining that sometimes the tarot speak in many voices. Anyway, how about Anthony's girlfriend, Reagan? Oh, excellent. Okay, I'd fuck her, but really, I'd want to set her up with Ishmael just to spite her dad. Their family photo looks like an ad for a segregated country club. I'm not exaggerating at all. You can literally see a black lady in the background of the photo

just about to get stopped by a security guard. And Reagan looks like she's at a model UN conference representing the Third Reich. Good way, I guess. All right, how about Ted's friend Carly i'd fuck her but i wouldn't call her tomorrow except to cry a little and maybe propose but carly specifically wanted someone from the scathing atheist to insult her but i was assigned to her so i'm gonna have to do my very best heath impression here oh awesome uh let's see uh carly likes to yell at people to fight her, breaking the first rule of Fight Club.

Breaking the first rule. How about Carly wanted an insult from the skating atheist, but the meanest insult we could give her was to have Tom do it instead because he sucks. That was terrible. That was terrible. That was terrible. Really, Carly, stop yelling at people to fight you. You're a girl. You're safe. No one is going to do it.

But if you want to get choked a little, you know where to find me. Oh, I want to nominate someone. Aaron's daughter, Eloise. Dude, she was three. Okay, I'll go. I'd fuck her. No. But I wouldn't want aaron to find out i want off the show yeah we all want off the show from time to time time uh may i call but

all right how about sarah why do i get all the sarahs all right well this one's a pilot and likes to dress up like the Flintstones. I'd fuck her, but in all honesty, keep the glasses on. She should see if there's some way to wear them like all the time. Tell people you're blind or something. Your head looks like a textbook drawing of single cell division. In all honesty, she seems like a really pretty girl from far away. That's probably why she's a pilot.

All right, I'll take Rachel's sister, Mishka. I'd fuck her, but I wouldn't let her near my firewood. I swear if this ginger anime character doesn't chuck wood, she's Mr. Calling. And finally, in this category, how about Susanna? Okay, I'd definitely fuck her, but I wouldn't, uh, last very long. Normally I can go for a full Green Day song verse, but that's not happening without plenty of, okay, let's just be completely still, completely still for a minute. If she was a hooker, you'd be like, well, okay, how many AIDS? Just like a few, like a few.

All right, cool. She looks like she has a terrible personality and is not funny at all. Making love connections here on The Scathing Atheist. Okay, time for our final Spiting Round. The category is

You Forgot to Send Us a Fucking Picture. These are folks who send us a description, often with their own jokes, sometimes just a name, but not a picture which you may or may not know makes it impossible to roast somebody. But we're going to try anyway.

Starting with Dave, Arlene's mother, and Bacon. Go. Fuck those people. Jordan, Jennifer's grandfather, and Cicely. Fuck them. Julie and Verna. Fuck those fucking people. Well done. And finally, the greatest challenge

of all. We got a series of requests for us to say something nice. These well-meaning individuals donated money without understanding at all what we're fucking doing and asked us to deliver genuine compliments. So, you guys ready? Are we seriously?

No, I don't want to do this. This is not in my wheelhouse, guys. I feel very uncomfortable right now. Veto. Modest needs already spent the money. All right. So donation one comes from Mr. Robert asking Tom and Cecil to say something nice about themselves.

Something nice about myself. All right. Again, not in my wheelhouse The nice thing I have a small cock But a lot of stamina So in cumulative inches I'm fucking huge I took this one seriously

Alright So I didn't grow up with a lot So I'm proud to be working with all these guys to help out a whole bunch of people who don't have a lot as well. Awesome. Boo. Now Tom seems like such an asshole. I'm feeling something, damn you.

I just thought I'd say a thing. Go ahead. Fucking carry on. What's that weird thing in my chest? Ew. Get it out. Get it out. Get it out.

I threw three sizes that day. It's bread sizes that day it's bread tom it's bread oh it's bread no that's chicago style pizza i'm not a vegan i don't eat bread oh shit all right eli your friend annie would like us to compliment her web series karate tortoise oh god hi annie annie is a very successful actress friend of mine who went to NYU with me and totally didn't understand what this was or what I do now. Hi, Annie. Everyone check out Karate Tortoise. I'm sure it's great. And I apologize if anyone in the real world is now aware of what I became or what I am or what I do now.

Have fun on CSI. I think this might be the toughest one we got. We got a donation from Derek asking Tom, Cecil, and myself to say something nice about Michigan. Okay, all right. So Michigan is an awesome place to meet a solitary loner with a functional cannon. And that actually happened to us. That actually fucking happened to us. Let's see.

The unemployment lines are much shorter now that all the humans have starved or moved away. You know, Michigan really has a beautiful night sky, and it's so much more visible now that all the cities have collapsed into ruin. We also got a donation from Emily asking Heath to say something nice about Eli. Alright. Eli makes a vegan shepherd's pie that is amazing. I mean, it's almost

as good as food. Also, he's a delightful big spoon. And finally, Terry called for a heartwarming compliment for Tom Cecil and everyone who donated from Eli. Okay. And Terry made it very clear she wanted this to be real. So I also did this from my heart place. Okay.

We're going to make fun of you like we did to Cecil. Okay. This is actually pretty easy because I've wanted to say this for years. Tom, Cecil, what makes cognitive dissonance isn't how funny you are, which you are. It's not how smart you are despite your protestations. It's your friendship. What makes your show so great and so popular is the incredibly clear fact that you are two best friends who love spending time together. You'd be making those same jokes, having those same laughs without us. The mics and the show are just us getting to be part of the fun, and it's a fucking privilege.

You have quietly served as the bully ass-kicking big brothers of atheist podcasting and never once swung dick about it. You've just made funny and create community. And, you know, I talked a little about this online and we've talked a little about this off air, but this has been the hardest and happiest I have worked in years. I wrote these jokes on my birthday. I wrote these jokes at 3 a.m. this morning, and there are not four better people I would rather have written these jokes with and everyone that gave, everyone that dug in their pocket to show you can be good without God, that dick jokes have a place in charity, and that you can do good without being good.

There are no people I would rather have written these jokes for. Lame. I'm feeling things. The tough part is getting an endorsement from Eli is really difficult, actually. Now we lost all the men's right activists. It's real dusty in here. You guys notice it's dusty? We love you too, Eli.

None of us know how to handle this. If you were here right now, I'd show you how to lift something, man. It's with your back and twisting. Don't worry, I got you, bro. I'll eat six pounds of pre-workout just to get ready. I buy everything they offer

me at the GNC. And on that note, we're going to bring vulgarity for charity to a touching end, sort of, because if you didn't hear your insult just yet, don't worry. We're going to be sprinkling a few more insults in the coming weeks on both our show and on Cognitive Dissonance. You guys were way more generous than we'd planned for. It would have taken like eight shows, but we will get all the insults done. Thanks again to everybody who donated. And if you'd like to hear more about where your money is going,

be sure to check out next week's episode of Cognitive Dissonance where you'll hear an interview with some folks from ModestNeeds.org telling you more about their awesome charity. As always, well worth a listen. Tom, Cecil, thanks again for helping us out. Could not have done this without you guys. Thanks for having us, guys. Thanks so much.

This was crazy fun. Before we vanish behind the open horizon tonight, I want to remind you one more time to check out the show notes if you want to come see us in Scotland on the 17th and 18th of October. I also want to thank everybody who donated and shared our fundraiser on Facebook, Twitter, and wherever else people shared it. Our audience has proven itself once more to be filled with some of the world's most generous and philanthropic people, regardless of how my mom would classify you. I also want to thank Thomas Smith, Andrew Torres, David Smalley, Tracy Harris, Ari Stillman, Callie Wright, Chris Matheson, Seth Andrews, The Side Babe, and Ishmael Brown for playing along with us over the last couple of weeks. Can't thank Tom and Cecil enough for basically adding an extra full-time job to their plates

for most of a month. I also want to thank the good folks at the Foundation Beyond Belief for their tireless efforts to help us find the right charity. And obviously, the biggest thanks is reserved for the folks over at ModestKnees.org that do this shit year round. Finally, I want to apologize to anybody who's been having trouble getting the show over the last couple of weeks. We switched hosts. And while that shouldn't have affected anything, if you get the show through iTunes or Pocket Cast or anything like that, there were apparently a few listeners who got the show directly from Libsyn. I didn't realize that, so a thousand apologies for not warning you in advance of that move.

Also, if you heard a Donald Trump ad attached to one of our shows, our apologies for that too. They took us by surprise and we couldn't figure out whether to pull the ads or continue to take that asshole's money to advertise on a show that calls him a miserable, useless fuck at every opportunity. But if the Trump ads really bother you, just let us know and we'll have them pulled. Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister

show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 8 a.m. Eastern time on Thursday. And in case you missed it, we also have a new episode of The Skeptocrat out this week. Eli Heath and I broke down the first presidential debate, hoping to tackle the second one too. But with the QED trip coming, we're not 100% sure when we're going to get that to you, but we're going to get that to you. Obviously, it's just not full-blown episode material if I don't thank Heath Enright for working even more than his usual 24 hours a day while my folks were in town. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda for not divorcing me when I told her I had to record

with Tom and Cecil on her birthday, and I need to thank Eli for taking on a Herculean amount of work over the last couple of weeks to make Vulgarity for Charity the success it was. For all his self-deprecating pretensions on the show, nothing motivates that dude like helping people, and I don't know that I've ever seen anyone work more indefatigably on anything ever. Also, big thanks to Andrew Northcutt for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. After pumping up Eli so big, I feel like I should say a lot more than that was very nice

of you, so you have balls of steel and you climax like the thunder but most of all of course i need to thank this week's most dazzling diploids on juman karen benjamin luke brett rapture squirrel josh got a gargoyle mall jim owen brett 653 to midnight rowan desiree jonathan bill alex doug jason nancy jay trent jake eliza claire dale stephan zachary jesus fucking christ will marcus robert eric daniel charles jonathan john darren brandon antonio adam sheryl martin cameron shane kelvin the mighty thor mike bill donna Jesus fucking Christ Will Marcus Robert Eric Daniel Charles Jonathan John Darren Brandon Antonio Adam Cheryl Martin Cameron Shane Kelvin the Mighty

Thor Mike Bill Donna Brian Lion Mike Frank Kane and Russell DP Chad John Jake Richard JD and David and Chen

hey nailed that in one take for all you know anyway all those people I just named whose orgasmic history show up

in the cosmic microwave background radiation together these 62 tuned up to some troopers have tooled up our tubal tumescence this week and last week by giving us money. Not everybody has the clarity, dexterity, and temerity

to give us money, but if you've got all the arities it takes, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button

on the right side of the homepage at scathingattheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're saving your donation until we offer a celebrity sex tape of Eli and Heath, you can also help out in the meantime by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes and by telling a friend about the show. Or you can combine the two and just tell a friend about giving us a five-star review on iTunes. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info

on the contact page at ScathingAtheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. Parents. They just don't understand. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2016. All rights reserved.