The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 191: Snatch Snatch Edition

Episode Date: October 13, 2016

In this week’s episode, Lucinda brings us a special this Roast in misogyny, Donald Trump does some attention grabbing, and the Quran will get repetitive for the Quran. You can make a per episode donation at Patreon.com: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist Or buy our book: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 Or you can check out our sister show, The Skepticrat: http://skepticrat.libsyn.com/ Or our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies: http://godawfulmovies.libsyn.com/ Guest Links: Be sure to check out The SJW Circle Jerk Podcast as well: http://www.radioline.co/podcast-spreaker-the-sjw-circle-jerk Headlines: Hurricane Matthew caused by the sodomites: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/shoebat-com-contributor-says-god-sent-hurricane-matthew-to-stop-orlando-gay-pride-event/ Oregon church apparently had a weight limit for pastors: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/10/07/worship-leaders-needed-at-oregons-new-creation-church-fat-people-need-not-apply/ Tony Perkins: Better to disband the military than let trans people in: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/tony-perkins-better-to-disband-the-military-than-include-transgender-service-members/ Ray Comfort’s atheism movie wins “best science film” at Christian film festival: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/09/28/creationist-ray-comfort-just-won-best-science-film-at-a-christian-film-festival/ Sean Hannity on Trump’s Pussy-Grabbing remark: "Solomon had 500 wives." http://uproxx.com/news/hannity-trump-king-david-concubines/

Warning, the following podcast contains profanity, but it's really good profanity. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new blender for the moil on the go. It's the Jutra Bullet. Are you tired of eating the penis parts and drinking the blood separately? Does the protein powder and baby dick always separate in your shaker bottle? Embarrassed when the big pieces get stuck in your teeth like spinach? So were we.

That's the worst. But there is a better way. The Jutra Bullet. Because like an orange, all the vitamins are in the foreskin. And now, the Scathing Atheist. Hey, SisGum, I'm Ari. And I'm Jura Maya, and we're from the FJW Circle Jerk. It's the podcast where we actively don't want you to listen,

but if you really need some ally points, you can download our episodes on iTunes or Spreaker and promptly delete them. Trigger warning, we are about to give a trigger warning. If you are an asshole who becomes irrationally angry at accommodations for people who suffer from PTSD, panic attacks, and other mental health concerns, the following trigger warning may be triggering for you.

Trigger warning for evolution-based content, misogyny, and slurs against the unwashed. We did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's October 13th. And by the time you hear this, we'll be British. No illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright.

And from New York, New York, and Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Lucinda brings us a special This Roasted Misogyny, Donald Trump does some attention-grabbing, and the Quran will get repetitive for the Quran. But first, the diatribe. I have a tendency to pluralize my flaws. So much so, in fact, that I originally wrote that as, people have a tendency to pluralize their flaws. But I'm not here to offer it to a culpa,

so I'll leave it to you to decide whether you want to lump yourself in with me at the end of this whole thing. See, it occurred to me that I've been making a pretty egregious error in my evaluation of religiosity for the past several years. We talk a lot on this show about why people are religious, and we offer up plenty of explanations, but I tend to focus on fear of death more than any of the others. Now, that's certainly not an answer anybody would give on a survey, of course. When you ask a person why they're religious, they're never going to say, because I'm afraid to die. But that doesn't mean it's not a major motivating factor.

Of course, being that it's not something you can glean from self-reporting, or even direct observation for that matter, it's pretty much impossible to nail down the extent to which it drives people's religiosity. And yet, despite that limitation, if you asked me to tell you why people are religious, that's the first place I'd have gone. You know, why do people believe in God? They're afraid to die. Now, obviously, that's the first place I'd have gone. Why do people believe in God? They're afraid to die. Now, obviously, that's a crazy oversimplification of my own position, of course. I've always recognized that there's more nuance to it than that, and the specific blend of reasons is going to vary from person to person.

That's not what I'm mea culpa about. It's not an error in judgment to present a plausible explanation, even if it can't be directly measured. But the error that I did make was acting like there was nowhere to go for evidence. I mean, sure, we can't collect scientific data, but we can check anecdotal evidence. At least most of us can. Because while most religious people

won't be able to give you an honest answer on this one, most of us have at least one trustworthy source because most of us used to be religious, right? And to some extent, at least, we can trust our own answers. So quick bit of biographical info that I've covered on the show before. I was raised nominally Christian, never really went to church. In my early teens, somebody turned me on to Wicca, and I got into that for an embarrassingly long time, like 10 years or whatever.

And then I eventually kicked myself in the head hard enough to knock all that bullshit out. Now, like most people losing their faith, I resisted at first, right? This was a long, drawn-out process for me, so I had plenty of time to come to grips with it. And even though I never had that, like, you know, that holy shit, there's no God moment that so many listeners have described to me, there was a binary moment where I realized that I couldn't keep half-assed believing in this stuff anymore, right? And even though I'd long since convinced myself from an intellectual perspective, I still held on to it for emotional reasons. But what were my emotional reasons, right? What was the connection?

As it happens, it wasn't mortality. You know, up until then, I more or less believed in reincarnation, but I thought about it long enough to realize that reincarnation sans memories is the same as just dying, right? So I'd already come to grips with the idea that Noah would eventually cease to exist. Now, to the extent that I can trust reflections on 16-year-old memories anyway, what anchored me to my religion wasn't mortality, it was the narrative. You know, consider what this bullshit offered to me. By day, I was assistant managing a Papa John's and falling behind on car payments, but by night, I was unlocking the mysteries of the ancient magi. I was commuting with eternal spiritual forces through playing cards. I was tapping into forces at the very edge of human

knowledge and beyond. I've said it on the show a dozen times, right? At least I stuck with my religion because I really wanted superpowers. But for some reason, when it came time to ask why other people cling to their religion, I was awfully quick to overlook that aspect and write it all off as cowardice. I mean, think about it. You're an average person, or at least odds are that you're an average person anyway. You're confronted with two worldviews. And one, you're a chemical anomaly that occupies an insignificant portion of a cosmic pebble for an insignificant fraction of time. You're going to spend that time engaged in activities that have no cosmic significance.

You're almost certainly not playing a critical role in the advancement of human knowledge. You're almost certainly not playing a critical role in the unfolding of international affairs. You're almost certainly worried about mundane shit that won't even matter to you next year, let alone the people who occupy the same space in a century. And then along comes this competing narrative. In this one, sure, you still have to do mundane shit to comport with your secret identity, but even when it seems to the casual observer like you're just looking for a parking space, you're really communing with the divine, right?

You spend your days playing a critical role in the eternal cosmic battle between good and evil. Hell, your very being is comprised entirely of the most valuable substance in the universe, a soul. It's so prized that even the omnipotent being that created it fights over it for some reason. And not only do you have one of your own, but you can save others. You can do something so unique and wonderful that not even the creator of the universe could do it without you. When God hangs out with the angels, he brags about you. He has a plan for you. He loves you enough to die for you.

But more important than any of that, he needs you. You know, without you here to defend him in the mortal realm, the cosmic balance might slip past the critical mass of evil. It may look like you're singing a hymn, but when you strip away the mortal facade, you're battling demons. You're locked in combat with the devil himself warring alongside God in the only battle that's ever mattered. Now, even an atheist has to admit

that's more appealing than pond scum that learn to wipe, isn't it? And despite our obvious deficits in the narrative department, I've been guilty of largely overlooking it. You know, of course, like fear of death, it's not something you can measure through self-reporting. It's another motivation that only works if you're not consciously aware of it. So who's to say what percent of religiosity comes from that versus what percent comes from fear of death versus what percent comes from never bothering to question what mom said, right?

But if any of it comes from this narrative issue, and clearly some of it does, it's something we need to keep in mind. It's something we need to recognize, confront, and counteract. And maybe the reason I've been so reluctant to do so is that it's a really hard question to answer. What do we do with this information? We can't just make up a bullshit narrative for atheism and nothing that reality offers up is ever going to compete with unfettered gibberish. So until now, all I've got is the humanist answer, right? Our goal has to be raising the average person's quality of life to the point where reality has a good enough narrative all by itself. Look, I mean, humans don't need supernatural control over parking spaces, but

they do need control. You know, they don't need hope of heaven, but they do need hope. And we have to raise that hope for them and then just hope ourselves that most people will still take an imperfect cure over a perfect lie. As near as I i can tell that's the only answer i have at the moment and you know what with enough effort on our part maybe it's the only one we need joining me for headlines tonight are a couple of international jet setters heath enright and elime bosnick fellas are you guys ready to get to England already or what? Yeah, it's good we're getting over there now before they hire some xenophobic rapist lunatic to wall their island out of Europe. We're going to have one available next month.

Hey, I'm planning to pretend to be pro-Brexit to see if I can get Marsh to punch me. Something tells me you will be able to get Marsh to do that at some point. All right, let's get to it. In our lead story tonight, despite all the thoughts and prayers you'd figure would prevent stuff like this, Hurricane Matthew passed through the Caribbean islands and the southeastern United States last week, causing over a thousand fatalities and over five billion dollars in physical damage wow which was apparently great news for a series of religious leaders were able to take advantage of this wonderful opportunity and make sure plenty of americans continue hating gay people of course

the sodomites being the cause here oh oh i see any chance you get to blame anderson cooper i get it i i would just i would love to see their fucking forecast right oh you can see any chance you get to blame anderson cooper i get it i i would just i would love to see their fucking forecast right oh you can see over on the map here that a gay front is pushing up from the south as they are want to do and when the tip of that enters this low pressure trough we're looking at like a 70 chance of brimstone probably gonna get you in your morning commute there okay well it's pretty similar to that okay well we're all about logic and reason so let's examine some of the christian arguments that we heard perhaps the most convincing one comes to us from shoebat.com which is run by waleed shoebat who looks like he should be doing

ads for a non-alcoholic beer company as the least interesting man in the world he looks like a google search for a zero-star driver on Uber. Well, according to a recent article on his site, everyone needs to consider the fact that gay pride events were being held in Orlando,

Florida and Savannah, Georgia last week. And nowhere else at any other time. Also, it's no coincidence that this particular hurricane was named after an evangelist character in the Bible. Oh, fuck off. And as we all know, Irene, Ike, Charlie, Dennis, and Sandy didn't kill any sodomites because it wouldn't be clever enough that way.

But I thought God named the hurricane after that shepherd kid, you know, because he likes shepherds so much. Okay, but to be fair, the Gospel of Dennis has a lot of gardening tips, some brunch cocktail recipes. It's a good one. It's a good one. It's underrated. Okay, so if anybody's interested, here's how the Christian meteorology works on this.

Here's how the Christian meteorology works on this. According to the Bible's meteorology section that they have, butt sex causes warm, moist air to rise into the atmosphere. So far, so true. No, I get it. Creating swirling winds. Happens to the best of us. When they pull out, yeah, usually.

And then God directs those swirling winds at places like Haiti, where the Christian population is down well below 97%. And also states like Florida, Georgia, and the Carolinas, where all the gay people live. Right, right, yeah. This is often referred to as the solution of evil. Bottom line, it's nice to hear that Christian people are learning to accept the idea of human-caused climate change. So that's good. Baby steps. It's all about how you frame it, as it turns out.

Exactly. And they rarely blame the Chinese. And in CrossFit news tonight, apparently the new creationist church in Hillsborough, Oregon, has been lifting its personnel policies directly from date-rapey dude bro's stated fuck preferences. has been lifting its personnel policies directly from date-rapey dude bros' stated fuck preferences. According to recently uncovered documents from 2014, the church's worship team guidelines had a no fatty fat fats policy. Among a list of fairly standard but still kind of funny guidelines about using appropriate amounts of deodorant and not chewing gum during service, yes, it actually says both of those things,

you also find this little gem. Quote, no excessive weight. Weight is something that many people have to deal with. Many? Also temperature and humidity. It's a proper... Anyway, make sure you are taking care of your temple, exercising, and eating properly. End quote.

Okay, so worship team here means the people they put on stage, like musical acts. Right. It's Christian jazz like musical acts. Right. It's Christian jazz club. Yeah. Yeah. And the article has a picture of a recent show at this church, and the bass player has cankles and moobs that rival mine. So I'm curious where they think this line should be drawn.

On women. I think the goal was just short of, we need a ramp for Dave's Rascal to get on stage for the big opening number. I may have some insider meeting notes. We're not allowed to release those yet. October surprise, y'all. We're being audited. Seems Trumpian for a worship theme since you mentioned it.

But I think it's worth pointing out that the way this is worded makes it very clear that their no fat chicks policy is based on their religion, which means it might be defensible under the bullshit Hobby Lobby decision. I mean, it actually should be unless that ruling is inexcusable bullshit, which it is. It also means, though, that if we follow that chain of logic, it's legal for religious business owners to refuse service to fat people now. of logic it's legal for religious business owners to refuse service to fat people now and i'm only offering all that up because i think if anything's going to motivate the red states to turn against rifra that's going to be the clincher yeah if a waiter at an applebee's in oregon tells some fat dude he's cut off on extra gravy right they're gonna be occupying that place like a sovereign birding station and then imagine if a muslim guy buys a franchise and like takes bacon off the menu dogs and cats living together yes christy will single-handedly become

the great legal mind of our time supreme court justice christy for its part the church has removed the documents containing this policy from the website because that's how they think the internet works to be fair that that's more effective than prayer and they've been devoting a lot of energy to that too so whatever but when asked about the policy by a local reporter the spokesperson said in part that she was dumbfounded by the sudden controversy she added actual quote if anyone looks at our worship team they would see that they're not all skinny in fact the worship leader has weight issues end quote adding look at him alan get in here look at those titties titties why are you typing stop typing

and in screw you guys i'm going homo news tonight Willem Dafoe on the surface of the sun lookalike contest runner up. But Dennis Leary won again. Yes, yes. And president of the Family Research Council, Tony Perkins, had some choice words about the Pentagon's new handbook for transgender service. Namely, that it would be better to disband the military altogether than to accommodate transgender service members wow well okay now i am going to say this for most of the world i feel like that's true you know like of all the shit that threatens the world the american military probably outranks transphobia and and the reason that i say that

is that i like to get equal amounts of hate mail for both clauses in my sentences. Anyway, you were saying something about disbanding the military so the queers won't have guns or something? sticking to the bits they were born with, we might as well fudge pack up and go home, saying, quote, we're probably better off without a military that is not compromised, because we think we have a military that's defending our country and able to do that, but we have a military that in many ways is a hollowed-out shell, end quote. From what? Yeah, because if anybody knows about a hollowed-out shell,

it's the creature that lives in Tony Perkins' face. Okay, but what is this guy picturing? Just like Chelsea Manning sitting there in Leavenworth laughing like Dr. Evil. Phase two, almost complete. Fuck! Foiled by Tony Perkins again. Yeah. Alice, you hear that?

Tony's on to you. Better watch out. You're like a trans zombie. Alice, you hear that? Tony's on to you. Better watch out. You're like a trans zombie. And while your mind lingers on exactly how trans zombies transmit the virus, I'll apologize for a couple of largely lucindolus weeks here. It was our intention to have her on for some vulgarity for charity, and in fact, we actually recorded some stuff with her. We just didn't have room for it in the last couple of weeks to play it for you. So we're going to pause for a longer-than-usual break and reach back to a simpler time before we knew about the hot mic pussy grabbing thing a time when tom and cecil were on the show doing almost all the work and all we had to do is call people douche

faces a man wrote the bible a horse which one if it's a legitimate race you're a slut right cooking can be fun hey i'm proud of a man. This week in Misogynist. Well, good goddamn, y'all. It's not often that I come on the show without having to report bad news or read the ravings of a sand-dwelling asshole. So I can say that this is about as close to completing my fantasy as I can get without Noah dressing up like Carlos Santana. Nope. This week, I get to tell some misogynistic motherffuckers to fuck themselves And it's gonna feel so good Gentlemen you ready to join me

In a misandric meander through all things Misogynistic I'm on all parts of the show Fuck yeah That was too many syllables First up we got donations from Mary, Joseph and Anna To take down the basement dwelling cum stain That is Matt Forney

And I'm going to lead the way by pointing out that Matt looks like Alfred E. Newman went white supremacist when he went to prison for kiddie porn. That's pretty accurate. It looks like the actor you'd hire if the character description said Louis C.K.

Preemie Curbstomp. It's like Louis C.K. K.K. Preemie Curbstom. It's like Louis C.K. K.K. Matt Forney is so concerned with defending Brock Turner

he's going to go over to his place for drinks tonight. The only difference is this time the Swedish guys on bikes

will join in. No, it's okay. Keep going. None of this roast the ones you love shit here. Next up, we got donations

from Kevin, Jen, and Seth asking us to roast Brock Turner. And to be honest, it's hard to come up with something to say about that guy that hasn't already been written on the sidewalk outside of his house. So Cecil, why don't you do the honors, sir? Oh, geez. Yeah, a little tough. No kidding. Everybody said everything about this guy.

But let me give it a shot. Good thing you're a swimmer, Brock. That's the only wet thing you get to experience for the rest of your life that's not true i'm sure you'll find you'll eventually someone will swipe right on raper and and that's as long as you use your little brother's credentials there you could take your date victim to the uh to the italian place down the road and go outside and recreate the scene from Lady and the Tramp behind the dump with all the dry hum. Next up comes a treacherous twofer. The first is a request to heap vile verbiage upon

former mouthpiece for bad ideas and current Eli Cumsponge Phyllis Shackley. And secondly, Kristen would like you to roast the sex ed teacher who taught her that tampons take your virginity. But just to keep things interesting, I'm going to challenge you to do it as Muhammad. And go.

I'm pretty experienced at this point. Let me see. And lo, Moses did go up to the mountain, and there did he see a ram, and over it was stretched the skin of Phyllis Schlafly, and it spake to him, Know that there will be an awesome writer named Eli, who everyone will think is just the best, and if Kristen's sex ed teacher doesn't look like someone dipped a Barbie doll in bean dip, then why are there boats?

Sounds about right. All right, wait, I got one, I got one. And lo, those who believe that a tampon takes away their virginity shall have a male child and a female child and a male and female child, and lo, those who believe that a tampon takes away their virginity shall have a male child and a female child and a male and female child. And lo, the male female child shall be painted like a toddler in a tiara and shall be called Phyllis.

Also, have I told you about Moses? Excellent. Excellent. And might I add, fuck Phyllis and Kristen's teacher. You're both dead, but that doesn't mean we can't wish it had been more painful Next up we got a donation from Janine Who'd like us to roast Judge Thomas Estes You know the jackass who recently sentenced rapist

David Becker to two years probation Rather than jail time So he could have a college experience So why don't we roast both him And the judge With some course recommendations Alright I'll start Philosophy 101 Why don't we roast both him and the judge with some course recommendations? All right.

I'll start. Philosophy 101. David should take the European American Studies capstone class. Being white is awesome. Strength Security 096. I heard everyone sleeps through it anyway. And as for the judge, I'm thinking pre-law. There's really nothing you should – you really should start... That's really where you should start,

when you know absolutely nothing about the subject. All right, well, it sounds like they're both all set on the math requirement after taking a rapey calculus in high school. What about some basic humanities? Obviously, they've never done that yet. Maybe a consent of a women's studies? But really, I'd prefer they both just went to jail and learned to spend a night in the box that way and got raped.

Good stuff. Good stuff. And here's hoping that both of these gentlemen have sufficiently lenient sentences on their rapist as well. Now, I'm not saying that someone should rape the judge. I'm just saying he should take responsibility for wearing such revealing robes. It's fair. It's a valid criticism. All right, next up, I've got a TV douchebag challenge for you guys.

We got a donation from Chris asking us to roast Kevin Swanson and a donation from Christina asking us to roast Steve Harvey. So my challenge to you is this. us to roast Steve Harvey. So my challenge to you is this. I want you to roast Skeletor's grandpa and the guy who fell at reading off a cue card in the form of pitching me a buddy comedy starring both of them. Go. All right. All right.

Well, I don't have a buddy comedy. I've got a cop drama. How about Kevin Swanson is a hardened veteran who's convinced Steve committed a crime every week and Steve always announces the wrong suspect at the end of the show. Oh, okay. How about this? Monday in the morning, he's a fecal-covered homophobe

and he's an illiterate who might as well be in blackface. Together, we have a no-holds-barred approach to everything under the sun in Uncle Tom's Blabbing. I'd watch both of those shows, I'm not going to lie. Okay, Heath and Noah, this one is for you. All right.

We got a donation from Dan asking us to roast Ann Coulter and a donation from Jason asking us to insult dress codes. So let's kill two birds with one stone here. I'd like to hear Ann Coulter's dress code pitches from you. I'll go first. Skirt length must be above the knee to distract from the hooves. Alright, alright, I get the idea.

So like, cleavage must be non-existent due to the front of her body looking like you have to lean over a wall at the Holocaust Museum to see it. Alright, what about for footwear? I'm thinking anything metal in U-shape. And for headwear, definitely blinders. I mean, she's pretty good about ignoring everything at the starting gate, but I mean for everyone else.

And speaking of Van, we got a $500 donation from Alan asking us to roast her in love letter format. Cecil, why don't you take this one for us, dear? Oh, great. All right, here we go. My dearest Anne, I will not see you again and desperately search for your breasts. I ache to touch your sinewy back and your exposed vertebrae. I ache to touch your sinewy back and your exposed vertebrae. I am flush with excitement when I think of attempting to blindfold your deep cavernous eye sockets.

My fist is ready. Are you? P.S. I promise not to run my hands through your thinning hair. I sometimes forget how sickly you are. She's going to die like the Zabruder tape. I don't know about you guys, but I'm pretty hard right now So's Ann That's perfect for any high school graduation

You care to invite her to I guess This next one is all me Because it's not funny We got a donation from Bethany Telling us the story of her sister's boyfriend Shane Who despite doctor's warnings About their child's heart condition Ch chose to circumcise his son, which put him into shock and eventually killed him. Wow.

And honestly, she sent along a picture. So I'm going to point out baby murder and piece of shit. It might not be catchy, but it will help him get the point. And finally tonight, a warning. We got a donation from Albert Sonian asking us to roast Jon. And he also wanted me to remind him that if he doesn't cut out the machismo, he's gonna get what I've got left in the tank. And it ain't gonna be pretty. So John,

you look like a Muppet of Ron Howard got fucked up by the dry cleaners. And with that, I'll bid you adieu and hand the hosting duties back over to Noah. Thank you, Lucinda, Tom, Cecil, and us. We're my favorite.

And we're all out of air quotes news tonight, Christian apologist and man who tastes ever so slightly of Old Spice, Ray Comfort, had some good news this week when his new film, The Atheist Delusion, won the prize of Best Science Film at the International Christian Film Festival, proving once and for all that everyone involved didn't know

what any of those words meant. Any best film festival, science. Some of the adjectives are being misapplied here. It's pretty impressive. That's what I'm saying. Even the conjunctions are fucked up. And look, somebody is Nebraska's best surfer.

That is a categorical necessity, right? So it's not something to brag about. Yeah, like best dancer in the KKK. Or best pizza in Chicago. It's adorable they have that prize. So the festival, which appears to have no nominees that don't win and categories that change every year, along with a website met only by space jams,

awarded the science prize, one assumes, based on the fact that Ray talks to several real-life scientists throughout the course of the film, who tell him he's full of shit, but they're scientists. Right, right. Yeah, no, but it's a science movie in the same way that To Catch a Predator is a Catholic training video. Either way, I for one am honored. We'll now be roasting an award-winning film as soon as it comes out on YouTube.

Like so many award-winning films. Well, look, but YouTube's dropping it at the front end of awards season. So YouTube seems pretty confident this is going to be a big one. They wouldn't waste this slot on just any old movie and finally tonight from the twattergate file thanks to the help of a very unlikely bush the united states will soon have its first ever female president yeah of course i'm talking about billy bush and hillary rodham cl. And despite being one of the most qualified and experienced candidates we've ever had, Mrs. Clinton's actual merit probably ends up being completely unnecessary because we just found out that she's running against a self-proclaimed date rapist.

Even before the date, yeah. And alleged child rapist. We already knew that last part. Right. And somehow it got even worse last week with the release of a tape in which donald trump brags about how he likes to grab women by the vagina whether or not he was invited to do so hey that was locker room talk because where would people be more comfortable learning about their proclivity for grabbing other people's genitals against their will than a place where we all have our dicks out?

Obviously. Okay, so just about everyone probably already heard this, but just in case you missed it somehow, here's a few of the exact words from Donald Trump. Oh, please. He was on the Access Hollywood tour bus. Yeah, second only to Bang Bus in the prestige and acumen of its guests. Right. Yeah. Yeah, second only to Bang Bus and the prestige and acumen of its guests. He's on a celebrity gossip show tour bus and apparently didn't think his mic was on. Good judgment. Which makes him not smart.

So he's bragging about his MO with women and he told Billy Bush, the then host, quote, I'm automatically attracted to beautiful. It's like a magnet. Just kiss. I don't even wait. And when you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab them by the pussy.

You can do anything. End quote. Yeah. Four score and seven years ago. Nothing to fear but fear itself. Grab them by the pussy. Let's not let these phrases wind up on the same list folks get the new rush more going wait the last time i got laid the way i did it why it

didn't go well i solved the puzzle i solved the puzzle now in fairness trump has since claimed that this was nothing but locker room talk like like you mentioned, rather than an actual thing he does like it exactly sounds on the tape. And honestly, his tiny little hands are a decent alibi here. So just for the sake of argument, let's grant him that for a second. Let's assume he didn't actually make any unsolicited vagina grabs. unsolicited vagina grabs. That still leaves us with a presidential candidate who thinks that pretending

he grabs vaginas without prior consent is a thing that makes him look good in a locker room. Right. This is a guy who probably thinks two Corinthians is another term for the shocker and millions of Christians are still going to vote for him.

What the fuck? and can we take a fucking moment to talk about the like locker room talk thing he's not fucking joking he's bragging about assault and i'm really really tired of people on both sides of this stupid fucking sentence lying about this on the one hand you have people acting like gross sex talk between dudes like doesn't exist unless you're milo yiannopoulos, which it fucking does. But it's like, look at her tits or she blew me and I made it all the way through without crying. But it's not bragging about sexual assault, which is what the other side is saying. The two aren't the fucking same.

And everyone fucking pretending not to understand the difference knows this. And it's it's not just Christians, which is what blows my fucking noodle. Where are my rape apologists at? What happened to y'all motherfuckers? Y'all forgot your Twitter passwords? Pretend a crying kid at a college yelled at someone. There you go. You'll remember it.

Muster up some fucks. Breathe deeply. And speaking of Christians who are still supporting Trump, possibly the most ridiculous response to the scandal came from conservative talk show host and Sean Hannity bobblehead, Sean Hannity. In defense of Trump's rapey remarks that also included a clear admission of attempted marital infidelity, Hannity pointed out, quote, King David had 500 concubines for crying out loud. He was just grabbing pussy left and right. So, hell, if he killed someone's husband just to fuck him, I'd be fine with that. I don't know how I got here. What happened?

Yeah, right. No idea why King David's harem would be relevant to anyone here. But regardless, Hannity did manage to find a great new way to come up with Christian-themed Trump slogans. Okay. So let's go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock. Other ways Donald Trump is like a biblical character. Go.

Oh, all right. I guess the obvious one is lot, but I don't know if he's ever gotten Ivanka drunk enough. Trump is like a wife in ancient Israel. Obviously needs some genital grabbing rules spelled out for him. I'm going with Trump is like Jesus. He'd happily pay income taxes if Obama's face was on the money, but it's not. Carly Fiorina is a lot like jepta i know we're doing a

different thing i just i just wanted to point that out in case she killed they replace him uh trump is like john the baptist his public execution is instrumental in a woman's rise to power oh well done sir yeah all right uh what about trump is like the leopard lion beast thing in the book of revelation he's mostly orange several random white patches feline hair transplant and he ruins cities near the ocean oh there you go but see i feel like the closest parallel here is elisha right everybody makes fun of his head he summoned bears to do his dirty work putin russian bears come on and and they both stand an equal chance of being elected president in november that's true nate silver doesn't even list elisha yeah right uh he's he does have a

better chance than gary johnson however fun fact how about this one uh trump is like matthew uh nuts thinks the world is about to end and provably lying yeah okay i think i'm settled on jesus i'm going back just like jesus here's a few more reasons um any success they had was really from their dad uh-huh uh they both like to spit on poor blind people and they're both studied in depth by richard carrier oh allegedly we're gonna so get sued for that and with a sneaking suspicion that we're not done with our pussy grabbing jokes for the night we're gonna close out the headlines heath eli thanks as always pussy grabber game and when we come back lucinda will be here to crack open the quran once again that was locker room talk it was fucking locker room talk locker room podcasting i said that in confidence on a

tour bus for a gossip show and now the scathing atheist guide to locker room talk locker room talk hey man how was last night oh yeah, you know, it was pretty good. Pretty good? Yeah. Yeah. Ah! Someone got laid! Not locker room talk.

I am a rapist! Ha! Me too! We're both rapists. This has been The Scathing Atheist Guide to Locker Room Talk. Rapists. This has been the Scathing Atheist Guide to Locker Room Talk. All right, guys.

First time on a plane together, so let's just all get some rest. We've got a big convention ahead. We can all behave. Heath, Heath, Heath. Yeah, yeah, what's up? You ever play the penis game in school? Oh, yeah, yeah, the one where you take turns yelling penis to see who can say it loudest without getting in trouble.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. So this game is called He's Got a Bomb. I'm gonna go ahead and have the air marshal arrest us now. He's got a bomb.

He's got a bomb! For what it's worth, we are now in the New England of the Quran. Are you a fucking prophet, bro? Not how I meant it exactly, but even though each page still takes as long to get through, we're crossing into new chapters more frequently now, so it seems like we're making progress we're not really making. Yeah, Muhammad clearly made a big deal about like announcing his plan i'm doing 114 chapters every heard and then he finished 30 or so and then all of a sudden it was the night before the due date surprised it

wasn't triple spaced by this point no shit you know how ahead of my time i am one word chapters clapper i'll kill you oh one word, well, that's a great idea. And, of course, still aboard for this cross-choronic road trip is my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back. You know, you're going to be away for like eight days, and this is what you wanted to do with your wife the night before you left. Just saying. It was not my idea to not fuck while we recorded.

I'm going to toss that out there as well. Anyway, we stopped giving Heath two votes. Anyway, as I'm sure everybody recalls, the last time we saw our hero, he was telling us about Moses. And we're going to pick back up with Surah 48, the conquest or victory. And we're going to start this one off with another variation on Muhammad's old, if I wasn't talking to God, how could I be so awesome argument? another variation on muhammad's old if i wasn't talking to god how could i be so awesome argument basically he says we won the battle and how could people not especially loved by god hack other humans to death so good right but what about the times we lost but what about the chance we lost

that's you that's what you sound like yeah yeah this one kind of reads like muhammad needed to clarify the extent to which he spoke for god it's a whole chapter of when you promise me something, you're promising God. And when you submit to God, you're really submitting to me, etc., etc. Yeah, it's hard to believe that speaking on behalf of an unquestionable, omnipotent, and imaginary being would so consistently lead to corruption, isn't it? Muhammad's like a mid-level drug dealer trying to make sure nobody like George youngs him and goes straight to Columbia. Except in this case, Pablo Escobar doesn't exist and you don't even get any baby lack. Nothing. And of course, there's also a little more.

You can't trust those lion bastards that ask you for mercy in this one that I care for. Yeah, he continuously makes it clear in this one that God loves nothing more than people pledging their lives to Muhammad. Right. And I always wonder when I read this shit, is there a too far at this point? Is there anything Muhammad could say that would be so blatantly self-serving that people would have called bullshit on him?

Right. Really? Maybe if he asked for a nine-year-old girl to fuck? No, that worked. Yeah, I want to say like getting a revelation mid-reaching for the last mini Snickers, just like, oh, you know what, Kyle? You're getting a revelation.

I am getting a revelation, Kyle. Crazy. You're like a prophet. And then there's this weird bit where he sounds like he's actively trying to make a promise and not make it at the same time he's telling all the soldiers yeah god totally gave you that victory we all just won but but also other shit he's gonna give you other shit too so keep being loyal and all but then one verse later he says god has promised you many future

gains but he has given them to you in advance what kind of bullshit void where prohibited clinically tested doublespeak is that? And the Saudi version says God rewarded them with a near victory. Oh, wait, what? That's a lot. That's what that means.

Surviving is dying. When you're talking about soldiers in a war, that's almost not dying. See, Muhammad and Trump have so much in common november 9th get ready for it 28th okay but 20 there though i checked another translation and it said imminent victory but but still now we're now we're buying a garage full of amway soda it's not

hey i'm still gonna sell that just you wait you wait. You'll see. You'll see. And then Muhammad promises that no non-Muslims will ever defeat Muslims in battle. It's more that scientific accuracy we hear so much about. I mean, look, hey, guys, if this book was wrong, there would have been some kind of Mongol invasion in 1258 or something. And also the 20th century would have happened. And this. Hey, that dust-covered kid in Aleppo is just biding his time.

Oh, God. It's in the book. I'm just reading the book. Any minute now. Then he just starts blatantly blowing smoke up a soldier's asses. He's all like, Muhammad is God's messenger. This is still God talking, not me. Anyway, Muhammad is God's messenger and all the

people with him are firm, unyielding, compassionate, and swing nine inches minimum. Like, at least nine inches. Seriously. And if you're wondering if he references vegetable sodomy here, I was pretty sure he does.

This is the description of Muslim soldiers. Like a seed which sends forth its shoot, then makes it strong, grows thick and rests on its stem, impressing the farmers that God may enrage the disbelievers with them. Like a nice girthy cucumber for God to torment heathens with. That's clearly butt stuff he's talking about, right? With a cucumber? You get the feeling Mo had a cucumber in his hand in front of his dick, just like, whoa, whoa, right, Kevin? Right?

Uh, uh, uh, uh. Stop it. Uh, uh, uh. Crushing this. Uh. I always have that impression. So then we move on to Surah 49, the private apartments where things like that happen.

I guess. And now we really start to test how far can he push the shit boundaries. This one starts off with God reminding people not to talk so loud that Muhammad has to yell over them. Right. And don't make a big stink about it if Muhammad

shows up late to something. He probably had important shit to do. You know, God shit. And Muhammad always gets the player one controller in Street Fighter so he can fire balls better from that side. Like, no corner traps. God says it's not spamming. It's not. It's strategy. You can jump

over him. And then he basically says, and hey, if it seems like I'm doing something stupid, don't worry about it because it only seems that way to you. And you aren't God's messenger, so you're not privy to all the new shit. So, you know, if I seem a little bit nuts...

Well, no, I mean, if Muhammad makes a blatantly false claim, he was probably speaking in relative language instead of absolute language. Oh, I see. And as we all know, you can't he was probably speaking in relative language instead of absolute language. Oh, I see. And as we all know, you can't be wrong about things in relative language. Like, there is no FGM in Iran. Relative language.

Like that. Does the queen have a clitoris or not, guys? This matters to me. Four people are laughing and one is pissed. Also, can we return to this religion of peace nonsense? Because in verse nine, this book says, and if two groups of Muslims have a disagreement, fight each other until someone gives up. I mean, it then adds that you should eventually stop fighting each other, but it doesn't even

give like diplomacy beforehand a token nod. Yeah. Yeah. And I shit you not, this is a very common verse used in apologetics. The second fucking half. The book never disappoints. It's like if Sermon on the Mount ended with not and Christians never talked about it. Yeah.

It says Muslim God loves those who are equitable. Like the kings and princes of an oil monarchy. And then we get maybe my favorite line in the book so far. I know I've got a lot of nominees. But in verse 12 of this one, it says in my translation, quote, do not spy on one another and do not backbite. So far, so good. But then he adds, would any of you like to eat his dead brother's flesh? Yeah.

No, you would hate it. End real universe quote. I love that he answers the question. Yeah, right. Now, here's my question. Did that just occur to him? Like, was he holding out dead guy arms and was like, anybody? Anybody?

Oh, I know. Of course, you guys would hate it. Don't write that down. Also, I'm confused. So if you want to do any spying or backbiting, you need to either enjoy your dead brother's flesh or eat him alive. Do I have that right? What if we absorbed a twin in the womb? Great question.

Depends on whether or not it was your twin. Great visual. Also, and this is maybe too minor to bring up, but in verse 13 it says that God made humankind out of a man and a woman. So you made humans out of humans yeah and and what's amazing is this is as close to scientifically correct as he's gotten on this one and it's a logical fallacy yeah ben stein calls bullshit why are there still humans then

and if i'm reading but if i'm reading between the lines correctly here in verse 16 he makes it very clear that he appreciates all the suggestions but but he's got this Quran thing covered. He's doing just fine, and he likes the repeatedly asking if he's told you about Moses' shtick. Yeah, right. You can tell he was getting a lot of editorial commentary from the fucking peanut gallery at this point. Then we get to surah 50, and I swear this one got its name because muhammad farted before he started trans like like going into his trance or whatever and everybody just had to pretend that was a spoken word so let's move on to quaff mo was that you no no that's what i'm calling this one kill him yeah

all right so we basically start this one by saying i know some of you are thinking this motherfucker sounds crazy and i get that but if i don't speak for god then why isn't the sky all wrinkly yeah exactly pretty sure i've never heard that apologetic before but the fact that the sky is just sky all the way across is proof of god and more specifically proof of muhammad's firsthand revelations about the resurrection from God. Of course. Yeah, this was a new one. See how the invisible air is like all one piece? Yeah, that's what I thought.

Go kill Jews now. This book. Exactly. Also, I've got a bit of a logistical problem with a resurrection. He starts giving us some details and according to the Quran, all the people come back to life together

at the end of the world because he stole everything from the fucking Jews and apparently each person has two angels assigned to him right one to slave drive them and the other to report on all the evil shit you did now first of all it seems like slave driving angels can handle

more than one dead person at a time especially if God springs for some fucking velvet ropes also the snitch angel seems superfluous if my ears and eyes are already going to tell God all the bad shit I did. This is a crazy ways to angels here. That's true.

Right, yeah. It seems like this could be an Uber share and an email. What we're saying is we'd like to enter a bid on this whole resurrection. Norman's listening. Also, it says here that all the disbelievers are going to get in an argument with the tattling angel. Like a shitty couple at the front of the line at the soup Nazi. And then God's going to yell.

Specifically, it says this. God's going to be like, silence. I told you to have your order ready. No soup for you. Like it says, this is what's going to happen. And then he's going to boil your stomach with hot soup. Right. You will get soup.

There is soup. I also love how Muhammad felt he's going to boil your stomach with hot soup. Right. You will get soup. There is soup. I also love how Muhammad felt the need to toughen up. You got a bit. He says, I created the universe in six days and I never even got tired. I noticed that as if to say, you know, I took that seventh day off,

but not to rest. Like some motherfuckers say, I was playing volleyball and shit, you know, dancing, fucking being active, manly and shit. Yeah, no rest days for Allah. No, sir,

are you eating pre-workout? Sure, it's like candy. And I guess keeping with our fart-related chapterization theme, we're now going to move on to surah 51, The Wind That Scatters. I feel like this whole surah can be summed up with

the word seriously, y'all. Right. Seriously. Right, yeah. Clearly at this point he was deflecting a lot of questions about his judgment day scenario, so he's like, and when people ask you when is this judgment day going to be, tell them it's the day when you're burning in hell

like the miserable fucks that you are, okay? How about that for an answer? All right, so exact words from the Saudi version. Okay. Taste you your trial. Burning. This is what you, your trial. Burning. This is what you ask to be hastened. Like holding your little brother down and slowly lowering your spit into his mouth.

You know he was doing that while he was saying this, too. Yeah, if it weren't this election year, it would be a lot harder to imagine what this probably looked like. Anderson Cooper and the other lady. Answer the question, Mr. Hamid. And Muhammad's completely out of ideas now. Like half the verses are basically just internal citations, like enormous URLs. Might as well just close it out with a giant block quote of the Old Testament. Right.

Yeah. A couple of blank pages for notes. Oh, ours is big, too. And then we get surah 52, the Mount, and if I had to reduce this one to a sentence, I think I'd go with, God's going to fuck you up. Yeah, and that also works if you have to sum up the whole book. You just have to put, oh, Jews in front of it.

Muhammad's that guy pacing back and forth in front of a bouncer calling him racial slurs on YouTube. Now, but okay, according to verse 20 of Surah 52, Muslims get to fuck anime characters in heaven. So, I'm not saying I'm not an atheist anymore, I'm just saying

somebody should have made it clear what exactly I was weighing here. But, uh, keep in mind, there's also going to be a really creepy team of, quote, boy servants to service you as if they were preserved pearls. So take that however you want. I have never been more Muslim.

Where's my chess set? That's pretty hot. He also admits here that one of the best parts of being in heaven is that you won't have to worry about worshiping God five times a day. Yeah. And it's like, buddy, do I have a solution for you? Right. I even fucked a virgin once.

Then starting in verse 29, this surah just says, so in summary, I'm not insane or making this up. If you have to tell somebody or anyway. Yeah. And I'm starting to think all the book has left is I am so not lying right now. Because the next Sarah, the star, starts off with him saying, oh, I'm sorry. Are you saying somebody else knows what I hallucinated better than I do? Pretty much. Jesus.

I mean, I guess it's a little new. He goes off on girl gods for a bit. He's basically saying, oh, your god has cooties. Yeah. In my version, he says that people who don't believe in the hereafter give angels female names. And I have no idea what that means. Why would they do that? Matt Dillahunty sitting around with Robert Price.

You know what? I like Therafina better. Also, I thought it was pretty telling that they included a caveat on the illegal sex rule here. It literally says that god forgives you as long as you only commit the low level sex oh okay that's where he decided to cut everyone some slack sex crimes and just so that we can close one of these arrows on a point of agreement i want to point out that over and over again, this book says, look, the stuff I'm telling you is every bit as accurate as the fairy tales in the Old Testament.

And you know what? That's true. It is. Yeah. Yeah. Compliment sandwich. And then we move on to our last fart named surah. That would be the moon.

And we start off by learning that when Judgment Day comes, the moon will crack in half. But apparently us non-believers will say what's that broken moon must be the same old sorcery well and to be fair though if the moon broke i would not assume it was the muslim apocalypse i would still think this book was foolish i mean i wouldn't assume it was sorcery but i'd be right in spirit. It's like Eli on Cogdiss. If the email wasn't snarky, how do you explain boats, huh? Where did they come from?

So apparently Muhammad thinks we're going to be standing there watching the moon fall towards us like Wile E. Coyote just pulling up a sign that says, everybody relax, it's just a weather balloon. He's a skeptic. Just some gas, swamp gas and Venus or something. Oh, shit. And I believe this is four stars in a row here

where he says, you know who else they called a crazy liar that fucked camels when nobody was looking? Noah. Not me, the other, the biblical. Yeah, I would have. So despite our intuitions, there is such a thing as repetitive for Muhammad.

Oh, and we're going to learn that in spades in the next one. Yeah, he does this annoying thing, too, where he keeps telling the same stories that he's told a hundred times, and then he closes each one with, oh, and by the way, learning shit from the Kron, super easy. Could not be easier. And then we get another threat about the verbal taunts we're going to get on Judgment Day. It says we're going to be dragged through the fire on our faces and somebody's going to be yelling. This is the important part. Taste you the touch of hell.

Like there's a group of skeptics that believe in the apocalypse but don't really care because they think the trash talking isn't going to be mean enough. care because they think the trash talking isn't going to be mean enough for that. Right. And then we move on to our last of the night, number 55, The Most Merciful. And this one starts with the 7th century Arabic equivalent of bitching about the bag

of Doritos being mostly empty. One of his few worthwhile digressions. It's the closest I came to agreeing with him. And then he gives us another one of these lists that turns crazy halfway through. He's once more talking about all the shit that God made. And he's like, are you trying to say palm trees don't exist because God made those? And that's the pretty crazy part.

Yeah, right. It then gets crazy because then he starts going, are you denying the existence of the moon or the date trees or the wind or the fire demons or the global lack of estuaries? Fire demons? What the fuck? or the global lack of estuary. Fire demons? What the fuck? Mo, go back. Go back. Date trees, you know, sweet, brown. I'll show you later. So just to review, we've already mentioned that you can debunk the Quran

with Three Little Pigs and J. Giles. Also now throw in the Hudson River exists. The existence of the Hudson River will do it too. And that's the whole story. By the way, just him pointing to a thing

that exists and saying God made that too and then asking which of your Lord's wonders would you deny? Dictating holy books for Muhammad and playing I spy

with a four-year-old requires essentially the same skill set. Really does. You can just see Aisha in the back rumbling, stop trying to make witchy or Lord's wonders, would you deny word? What did you say? Nothing, nothing.

I'm nine. I'm nine. By the end of it, that is literally every other sentence, right? You could tell people were starting to get annoyed, so he just started doing it more often. It's basically one more chorus with a key change in another couple minutes, but he doesn't even do the key change,

and it's actually like 30 more choruses. Exactly the same. And if I'm not mistaken, this is the first mention we actually get of the posthumous virgins here. Yeah, an important caveat that people often leave out this one, it turns out that these virgins also have not been fucked by demons.

Oh, good. Okay, well well you lost me i'm just saying if we've been promised anime girls that had been fucked by demons i'd machete someone on the plane to england i'm just saying your goddamn hearts hold on though if you read the fine print in the saudi version that is what we're promised what what i'm back in this might this might be the craziest parenthetical in the book. It says, devout Muslims get heaven virgins that, quote, no man or jinn, parentheses,

has opened their hymens with sexual intercourse, sexual intercourse before them, end quote. Non-sexual tentacle stuff is fair game. So like ass stuff is they could be... Also, unless the ass hymen gets open. The ass hymen.

And if you'd like to buy your ass hymen t-shirt, see us at QV. We have one and Andrew says it's illegal, but we have one. I drew it with crayons. You can't touch it. Well, I do always try to wrap these on some good news. Something

tells me though that only three more segments to go Isn't going to stave off any nooses this time So how about this Hey guys now we don't have to read the Quran on an international flight Well yeah I was going to hide it inside a copy of Mind Conf But this is even better Oh it's weird

I was going to hide my copy of Mind Conf inside the Art of the Deal And I was going to hide art of the deal inside the Quran, but you know, it works out well this way. So Quranimaniacs will be back in three weeks to knock out

ten more tiny little surahs, but between now and then, go read something useful and enjoyable like kitty litter ingredients or instructions or something like that. I'm going to miss you guys so much.

Before we get to leaving on a jet plane tonight, I want to remind everybody who plans on attending I'm going to be traveling in the UK all week next week. I only bring it up because we're a pretty small operation, so our ability to get the episode to you next week on time is going to be dependent on how good my cell service is in Scotland and other unknown variables. Shouldn't be a problem, but I want to make it clear that if next week's episode is late or anything, it's all Scotland's fault. Or it'll be my inability to subtract five correctly. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we're almost certainly back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful Movies, debuting on Tuesday at 8 a.m. Eastern. Also be on the lookout for our second presidential debate breakdown on The Skeptocrat, coming just as soon as we can squeeze it in, we promise. Obviously the show would ring hollow if I didn't take a second to thank Heath Enright for his tireless

efforts to keep this show top-notch. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for taking a backseat to our charity drive for the last couple of weeks and also for all the other stuff I need to thank her for I need to thank Eli Bosnick in advance for not getting me arrested at customs in the name of a prank war I also want to thank Andy Wilson and Mike Marshall of the Merseyside Skeptics for their generous invite to the UK's premier skeptical conference QED and I also want to thank Aria and Jeremiah for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. They're so awesome, they're worth getting all that hate mail for. If you'd like to check them out on the SJW Circle Jerk, you'll find a link on the show

notes for this episode. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most marvelous mammals, James, Keith, Luke, Alan, Curtis, Pete, Courtney, Jan, Jason, Carter, Greg, Other Greg, Ashton, Nob, Tinkerer, Jude, and Matthew. James, Keith, Luke, and Alan, whose ejaculations explode on a level that can only be described as pre-Cambrian. Curtis, Pete, Courtney, and Jan, whose ninjitsu is feared by cyber-enhanced bear zombies on five continents. Jason, Carter, Greg, and other Greg who swing enough pipe to demonstrate the Earth's rotation pendulum style. And Ashton, Knob, Tinkerer, Jude, and Matthew, whose intellects are so vast even their intellects can't comprehend them.

Together, these 16 people, tinkerers of knobs and hurricanes, earn their right to grab my pussy anytime they'd like by giving us money. Not everybody has the raw sexual magnetism it takes to give us money, but if a sufficient number of polls point your way, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of our homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're using every dollar to bolster your in a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of our homepage at skatingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're using every dollar to bolster your in-case-of-Trump

nuclear shelter, I get it. Might be looking for a place to stay in November, so just remember how important it'll be to have a couple of funny friends around. In the meantime, we'd love a five-star review on iTunes. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission.

I'm going to check out our sun shell. I want to see what Noah does for a living. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2016. All rights reserved.