The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 194: SPLC You Later Edition

Episode Date: November 3, 2016

In this week’s episode, Mo delivers us the Quranic equivalent of digging in your skin for microchips, we learn that those guys with sheets at the Christian haunted house weren't ghosts, and Samuel Jackson will get added to the SPLC hate list for using the N word so much. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Headlines: SPLC adds maajid nawaz and ayaan hirsi ali to list of anti-islam extremists http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/10/27/southern-poverty-law-center-ayaan-hirsi-ali-and-maajid-nawaz-are-anti-muslim-extremists/ Catholics spend 850k against marijuana legalization http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/10/30/boston-archdiocese-will-spend-850000-to-fight-marijuana-legalization/ Jack chick is dead and was a dick when he was alive http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/10/26/what-we-need-to-remember-about-jack-chick-and-his-infamous-tracts/ http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/10/25/the-fear-based-legacy-of-jack-chick/ Russia jails man for playing Pokemon Go at church: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/10/29/russia-jails-man-who-played-pokemon-go-in-church-as-he-awaits-his-blasphemy-trial/ Christian Haunted House planned to include Pulse Massacre recreation: http://www.newnownext.com/halloween-pulse-nightclub/10/2016/ This Week in Misogyny: Guy who raped his 12 year old daughter gets 60 day https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2016/10/19/father-who-repeatedly-raped-his-12-year-old-daughter-gets-60-day-sentence-fury-erupts/

Warning, the following podcast contains ffff followed by uck. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Loot Crate. Geek-approved subscription boxes with the best gamer and pop culture franchise gear, clothing, and collectibles. By BlueApron.com, a better way to cook. And by the newly renamed Southern Poverty Name Calling Center. Someone saying literally anything you don't like about your religion? Tired of any liberal source having a realistic view of Islam? Try the Southern Poverty Name Calling Center.

Now with FGM, forced marriage, and fatwa recipients. The Southern Poverty Name Calling Center. We blew it. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, this is Brian from Glasgow Skeptics. And we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's November 3rd.

And what's a guy got to do to get on an anti-Islamic extremist list around here? Not much. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, and Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Scathing Atheist. New York and Secret Lair, Pennsylvania. This is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Mo delivers us the Quranic equivalent of digging in your skin for microchips. We learn that those guys with sheets at the Christian haunted house weren't ghosts.

And Samuel L. Jackson will get added to the SPLC hate list for using the N-word so much. But first, the diatribe. I'm surprised this has never come up before, but I used to read the future with m&ms it's honestly something i'd forgotten about but it was a thing that i started doing towards the end of my flirtation with spiritual woo and in a lot of ways it was like the final nail in the coffin of that phase of my life it basically started with a like how dumb do i think these motherfuckers are kind of bet that i made with myself and i laid down such a firm basis of bullshit that i very nearly convinced myself it was a reductio ad absurdum that went horribly awry so here's how it worked right in neo-paganism each element is associated with a color red for fire

blue for water green for earth and yellow for air because blue was already taken i guess so there's four or six m&ms right there the brown ones of course they stand for spirit because the soul of every M&M is brown and since I couldn't think of anything for orange I just called them neutral right you don't read the orange ones so you take a bag of M&M's you rip off the corner you shake the bag around while you ask the spirits a question and then you drop

three candies into your hand and then of course you interpret the colors based on their elemental associations two greens and a blue well well, that's the river. That means you should stay on course, right? Or a yellow, a red, and a green, well, that's the desert. And it means you're closing yourself off from the people around you. Now, believe me, I didn't go to all the trouble of coming up with something for every possible combination of M&Ms.

I would just make something up on the spot that seemed to fit with the question I was being asked and kind of associated with those particular colors or whatever. So there was no trick there. It was just a way of disguising fortune cookie type advice. But if you start off with a bunch of people who lend credence to interpreting tea leaves and tossing coins to read the Yi Ching, they can't really mount a logical argument against you doing the same shit with a bag of M&M's, especially when my candy was getting the same results as their playing cards or whatever. In fact, in a weird way, it kind of made me more legitimate to these people because, you know, like I could see beyond the constraints of tradition and apply divination to the entire world. And let me tell you, if there's anything

that causes you to question the intellect of your acquaintances more than them believing you when you say you can read their M&Ms, I don't know what the fuck it is. At first, it was just a way to get people to talk to me at parties, but there actually came a point where a friend told me that they were facing a tough decision at work and wanted me to read their M&Ms before they made it. Now, I don't want to degrade the intelligence of these people too much because I was one of them, and I'm pretty sure I was smart back then. I just had a bunch of shit information and no real knowledge of how to evaluate it. What's more, I don't think anybody actually believed that I was tapping into the Akashic record with chocolate.

If they were anything like me, they were just playing along with the unspoken understanding that I would also play along with their bullshit now. More than anything, they were starving for validation of their worldview, and they were willing to take it however it came. If I could offer them another thread to weave into their tapestry of motivated reasoning, they weren't going to fight too hard on the logic behind it. Obviously, their rational minds resisted, but as long as they could piece together a question like, but how could he have possibly known I wasn't letting people in,

and then change the subject quick before their rational minds would answer that question, they had another nugget that they could cling to, right? And that's the truly pernicious thing about this whole mindset, because to varying degrees, these people are actively allowing themselves to be taken advantage of in exchange for a taste of being right. And of course, where there are willing victims, there will be no shortage of charlatans ready to take advantage of them you know i came really close to being one of those people i mean you know what fuck that i was one of those people you know i never charged anybody to read their tarot or

cast a hexagram or breed a candy covered drop of chocolate for them but i definitely took advantage of people with that you know there were plenty of times that people would smoke me up or do me a favor or cut me a couple lines because I was that guy that gave them that awesome tarot reading. And I definitely got laid a couple of times by being the spiritual guy who was in tune with the M&Ms or whatever. And even if I could forgive myself for all of that shit,

there's no way to argue I didn't take advantage of my friends and complete strangers when I gave them random, uninformed, and potentially damaging advice and assigned it to some vague divine source. And that's the key, right? Whatever caveats I put on it, the product at the heart of my sales pitch was inherently damaging. People were picking their way through the world trying to figure out what was really going on, and I was leading them away from the truth for no greater purpose than making myself look good. You know, I was really good at bullshitting people and then wrapping it all around a plausible science-y explanation and then convincing them my tarot

deck had magical powers. There's no way to take advantage of that set of skills without doing damage. You know, look, I get angry on the show a lot. It's kind of my thing. But for the record, the most genuine anger, the most visceral anger that I have is the stuff I reserve for myself. You know, I got into the skeptical movement as penance for the bullshit I'd inflicted on the people I cared about. And I'm a long ways from parole. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are two SBLC anti-Islam extremist hopefuls, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, are you ready to kick things up a notch so we get to hang out with Majid and Ayan? All right, let me try it out. I got this. I know the Koran is the word of God and everything, but maybe a genocide of the Jewish people is a bad idea. Did I get it? Did I make it on the list yet? Probably. That's probably enough. Oh, oh, I really looking forward to proving to all my Twitter trolls that the KKK is a hate group

now that the SPLC doesn't count anymore. Thanks for that, guys. And obviously we'll have more to say on that in a moment, but before we do, a word from our first sponsor this week, Blue Apron. And now, the Scathing Atheist Guide to Cooking, sponsored by

Blue Apron. With Blue Apron. Go to blueapron.com slash scathing, check out this week's menu, and get your first three meals free with free shipping. Just select your meal plan, choose delivery options that fit your needs and then use the step-by-step easy to follow recipe card and pre-portioned ingredients to prepare any of blue aprons fantastic meals in 40 minutes or less love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with blue apron without blue apron go to grocery store find parking man this parking is far fine okay uh Without Blue Apron. Yes, I know they're in produce. I don't know what they are.

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Lily. I'm not planning a wedding. Forget to cook tomorrow because we said we'd do that thing with your friends. No, I'm not trying to cancel. I'm just saying we said we'd do that thing. with your friends. No, I'm not trying to cancel. I'm just saying we said we'd do that thing. Forget to cook for a week and a half. Throw out spoiled scallions. Eat Chinese food so often that they know your voice on the phone. And this has

been the Scathing Atheist Guide to Cooking. Remember, to get your three free meals with free shipping, go to blueapron.com slash scathing. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. I click it and it just says, do I want to re-pin? I don't know what a re-pin is.

And now, back to the headlines. And in our lead story tonight, and in our sponsor introduction and headlines intro, the Southern Poverty Law Center lost a lot of cred this week when they added Majid Nawaz and Ayaan Hirsi Ali to their list of anti-Islam extremists, and not just because they didn't also include us. They announced these controversial additions last Tuesday, and by Wednesday, we'd basically all stopped taking them seriously.

Now, to be fair, here's the dilemma the SPLC faces. Either you have to pretend that Nawaz and Hirsi Ali are bigots, or you have to admit that Islam is the fucking worst. And apparently they want to admit that less than they want to be accurate. Well, if they're going to claim that Islam isn't in last place, then I think they need to put themselves on their anti-Semitic hate group list. Yeah, right. And also anti-Hindu and anti-Buddhist and all the other ones. Anti-Christian, yeah, exactly.

The computer at SBLC just blew up. Must not bigot. Must bigot. Bigot. So for the record, neither of these people is anywhere near a bigot, or at least if they are, they've never indicated it publicly. I mean, Ayaan Hirsi Ali might sit there going like fucking Armenians, but I don't know.

In private, like in public, we're talking about a victim of the worst kind of Islamic extremism. Like the guy who directed her movie was stabbed to death by radical Muslims and a death threat for her was left pinned to his corpse. And this all came in response to her saying verifiably true shit about their religion. Oh, hold on, though. Those weren't true swordsmen, were they? And to be fair, she probably had a pretty strong bias after someone killed her friend and pinned a death threat to a friend's corpse you know well but the honest truth is the fact that she wasn't radicalized into a bigot from that is pretty

fucking impressive but majid nawaz's inclusion is even more baffling as one would be hard-pressed to find a more moderate voice calling for islamic reform also he's still a fucking muslim so i guess if he commits suicide the splc is going to call it a hate crime and we got to point out here that this is a list with pam fucking geller and worse i stay with a significant amount of pride that i've done a shit ton more to make this list than my jeed i just don't have the twitter following i'm just throwing it out there. Like if there's going to be a party or a club get featured on Patheos.

Now among the most ridiculous aspects of this story are the justifications for including Nawaz which include I shit you not quote Nawaz tweeted out a cartoon of Jesus and Muhammad despite the fact that many Muslims see it as blasphemous to draw

Muhammad, end quote. That's pretty much the same as a subway poster in New York City of Muhammad beheading a Jewish guy with a machete, right? Pem Geller equals Majid Nawaz. Same thing. Yeah, exactly. So he retweeted a Jesus and Mo cartoon, which means that pretty much everyone listening to this show is an anti-Islamic extremist.

Because as we all know, when people murder other people over cartoons, the cartoons are the real culprit. Now, for unneeded context, by the way, this would be exactly the same as calling someone an anti-Christian extremist for using the Lord's name in vain. Also, this would be funny if it weren't true. Another reason cited in the article was, I shit you not, him going to a strip club for a bachelor party. Because he hates Muslims so much. Again, I've done way more than Majid.

This is coming across as a jealousy thing, but that's only part of it. I know that this is – I'm playing this all wrong, but really it's only part of it. Well, hey, i'm jealous too like just the other year i had sex with a grown-up an adult basically spat in muhammad's face and no love from the splc they're not being consistent i think you're right look look if you had a strawberry milkshake with muhammad you don't have to brag about it oh god google strawberry milk no and show it to your kids. Don't do that. And then do it to your kids. Oh, God. But perhaps the most detrimental thing about this whole fiasco is that it equates reasonable efforts to reform Islam with a kind of violent rhetoric that actually does incite violence.

Because, look, the true bigots don't give a fuck what the SPLC says. I'm sure people like Waleed Shoubat take pride in their inclusion, as would I, honestly. But all it really does is strip away supporters who want to take a reasonable approach to this problem, which can only exacerbate the problem at the extremes. In other words, the SPLC is, in a fairly straightforward way, strengthening anti-Muslim hate groups by muting the moderate voices that are actually trying to help. Yeah, it's almost like it's the left regressing us backwards. There's the term. This is the definition of regressive left,

motherfucker! And that is why Eli belongs on their list. Plus, he doesn't know how logarithmic scales work. Or where Soho is. There you go. That's right. I know where Soho is. I know where Soho is. That's go. That's right. I know where Soho is. Doesn't know where Soho is. Doesn't know where Soho is. That's on record.

That's locked in. Doesn't know where Soho is. Locked in. He was in New York. Doesn't know where Soho is. He was like, oh, look at the packies at the little packie store. And I was like, what? Why would you do that, Heath?

And he was like, ah. And in burn the other cheek news tonight, it's time to take some bong hits for jesus for spite because according to recent headlines the boston chapter of the world's largest fugitive pedophile syndicate they really should change their name we sent them those lovely business cards right which asshole vista print is a wonderful company anyway, the Boston Archdiocese decided to spend about $850,000 of the money they owe to rape victims on lobbying against legalized marijuana. That's right. Can't think of anything better to do with their tax-free income than making sure people can't get stoned without wasting public resources on preventing them from getting stoned, which they're going to be doing either way. And this makes no sense because as at least 66.66% of this panel can confirm, stoned kids are way easier to rape. If there's one message that keeps coming up on our show it's that stone kids are easier to rape

yeah so that's where your sunday morning donations are going you fucking assholes instead of more inefficient charity work or better magical cannibal crackers or silencing rape victims those are the better options by the the way. Some of those. Almost a million dollars is going to be spent on advertisements that probably won't even accomplish the dumbass goal they're hoping for. Because current polls show that the legalization advocates have a pretty solid lead and the vote is just about to happen. Well, right, right. Evil intentions through useless actions, which means the Catholic Church hasn't updated their business model since the Middle Ages. But, like, honestly, this would be like threatening to execute one hostage for every unicorn sold into bondage.

What's the fucking point? But I will, though. I will. But what's the point, though? That's my question. And, uh, here's my favorite part. Their actual reasoning... It's so good. Their actual reasoning is that legal weed would somehow be a threat to all their charity work. It's so good. It's their actual reasoning. It's that legal weed would

somehow be a threat to all their charity work. It gets even better. Apparently they think everyone's going to be hungrier and their soup kitchens are going to go out of business. No! Not the soup kitchens! First of all, they

obviously haven't been listening to my common sense tips about cooking ramen on a budget. Patreon.com forward slash cooking ramen with Heath. Lots of good information there. Also, people with no food and no money aren't generally spending their lack of money on expensive pot. Well, and also few people have been stoned more often than me and i have never said anything like man i could go for soup in a church basement right now i'm that kind of stone you guys want to go stand in a three-hour line with desperate to get some soup

i can't go to my bodega i freak i think that they suspicious. I think I'm going to walk into a fucking church when I'm high. But most importantly, the Boston Archdiocese is stupid and evil. They're literally spending a whole bunch of money to make sure that Massachusetts doesn't get a giant windfall of money. Right. Hey, on the plus side, looks like in the coming year, there'll be a reason to visit Boston. Except to set up some pressure cookers. So there'll be a two-second reason. Oh, no, it was your 9-11.

Three people got hurt. Cut it out. All right, well, now I'm going for the soup kitchens, too. And in chicken-out news tonight, Christian Bigot and Bad Universe version of Angelo, who does the cartoons for Gam, Jack Chick, died last week, leaving behind a legacy of poorly illustrated, anti-Semitic, misogynistic, homophobic, transphobic, racist little books crazy people hand you on the subway. And it's so wildly appropriate that it happened right before Halloween, a night where I so often looked out into my little plastic trick-or-treat pumpkin

and said, I wish the asshole that drew these things would die already. Like, seriously, the only thing that could do more to improve trick-or-treat than the death of Jack Chick would be, like, an explosion at the McDonald's coupon factory at a hostile alien species that powered their ships with stolen candy corn. At least you could take the razor blades out of the apple. Yeah, absolutely.

The apple is still good. As a man who used to love candy corn very much, I do not approve this message. Well, here's the thing. If you bring a handful or two and make a really big scene, they will blend it into your free coupon shake. If you make a really big scene,

they'll do almost anything. The Eli Bosnick story. Very true. Chick was famously private about his own life and honestly was very likely a pen name for a whole bunch of bigots. But the guy who just died was born in California, served in World War II, and was saved by his wife while listening to an episode of the old-fashioned revival hour on the radio and on that day he swore he would pass along the message he heard by drawing cartoons about how gay people are infested with demons not sure where that connection came in well and and by the way not in like a sexy japanese way either what you you mean blurry Only on the pubic hair. Everything is blurry if you're crying.

The point is he's dead, but his legacy will live on in spoof films like Dark Dungeons and The Mockery of People Like Us. There you go. And while we dance on that grave a little more, we'll take a quick break and give you a long

overdue dose of my lovely wife, Lucin. A man wrote the Bible? A horse, which one? If it's a legitimate race. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Massage.

Well, the boys are back at home. Noah didn't take enough pictures of Scotland, and people are letting off rapists again. So it looks like it's time for me to get to work. My first story this week won't surprise many of you. And honestly, that might be the most depressing part. Because in a year where I've done three or four Judge Gives a Guy 10 Minutes in Time Out for Rape stories already, I've got another one.

And look, I know that usually my response to these stories is to say, fuck this judge. He looks like a cumquat impregnated, the inconceivable guy from Princess Bride. And that's true. Fuck this judge, and he does look like that. But I want to try something different this week and break this decision down for you.

I want to do it because of some listener feedback I got about Brock Turner. We have a listener. I'm going to call him Tony. And Tony replies to pretty much any This Week in Misogyny segment that isn't about Iran or Afghanistan by playing devil's advocate. And Tony replies to pretty much any This Week in Misogyny segment that isn't about Iran or Afghanistan by playing devil's advocate. And I've tried. Honestly, I have. I

hate to sound bitchy, but I have poured hours of my life into explaining everything from the wage gap to maternity leave to this dude. And between you and me, I'm not sure I made a dent. And sure enough, when the Brock Turner thing happened, he chimed in. His point was basically that he didn't understand why I and others like me were so upset about the light sentencing. Did I just want to see Turner punished out of a sense of revenge? So rather than moving right along, I want to really break this down for you because it's important you and Tony understand just how insidious this and the other decisions like it truly are. So first the facts. Last week, an eastern Montana man admitted in open court to repeatedly raping his 12-year-old daughter, and as punishment for his crime, the judge, John McKeon, handed down

the hefty sentence of, I shit you not, 60 days in jail, Instead of the mandatory minimum of 25 years with a recommended sentence of 75 to 100 years. And as has happened many times this year, the press got a hold of the story. People were mortified, people signed online petitions, rents repeat. And also, as has happened many times this year, McKinnon released a letter to the Associated Press explaining his decision and his reasoning. First, he points out that technically the recommended sentence was always pending an evaluation. Then he explains that the defendant will be registered as a sex offender and then concludes by pointing out that nobody asked for a harsher sentence in court, including the victim's mother and grandmother who pled on the rapist's behalf. He also, again, like many of the judges we've heard from this year on cases like this, goes on to talk about the importance of rehabilitation and the futility of punishment.

Yada, yada, yada. And you know what? If this were consistent, I'd agree. If this judge had never handed down a jail sentence to an addict for possession or incarceration for someone in desperate circumstances for theft, I'm on board. I would count him as someone who inherently understands that the punitive nature of our judicial system is broken, and I would commend that. But, of course, that's not the case. not the case. No, this asshole and the many other judges like him seem only to get bit by the mercy bug when it comes to violation of women's bodies, and that is what's so problematic about these

decisions. If you want to reinforce a misogynistic rape culture, a culture that makes women afraid to report when they've been sexually assaulted, creating a system that makes reporting rape and ordeal with an ever-diminishing chance of justice is a great place to start. Think about it. Based on any study you care to name, huge swaths of assaults on women in this country go unreported. And they largely do so because we work in a legal system that, purposeful or not, is hostile to women. Getting a rape kit? or not is hostile to women. Getting a rape kit, degrading, frightening, and often painful. Reporting a rape, again, terrifying, uncomfortable, and disheartening process. And when you finally reach the end of that process, eh, he probably won't do it again, 30 days. He gets a month. And you, you're stuck with it forever. And we don't do this with other crimes.

Can you imagine this at the end of a murder trial? Of course not. And statistically, you're way less likely to murder again than you are to rape. But you can bet your ass that Tony and others like him wouldn't have chimed in with the philosophy of punishment 101 if Lizzie Borden had gotten three weeks of community service. And that's a distinction that's pretty fucking important to understand.

I and many others like me aren't mad because we thirst for vengeance. We're just tired of the buck stopping, once again, at women's bodies. And on that sumber note, I'll turn things back over to Noah Heath and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in Do Not Pass Pokemon Go news tonight, back in August, Russian YouTuber Rusla Sokolovsky posted a video of himself playing Pokemon Go in the equally ridiculously named Church of All Saints

in Yekaterinburg. God damn you. In Yekaterinburg God damn you. In Yekaterinburg In Yekaterinburg In an attempt to show viewers that people could be arrested for playing the game even though it's entirely harmless. But, as with all things Putin,

the crazy doubles down because he actually was arrested in his video about how ridiculous it would be to be arrested for doing that thing and charged with inciting hatred and offending religious sensibilities which is ridiculous the only way to incite hatred with pokemon go is to keep sniping a gym out from under me where are you motherfucker where i will save this starbucks until midnight i ain't got no bedtime you are

very likely a child. Yes, you do. You have a bedtime. I've been following you around for months sniping your gyms. You have a bedtime. And you're just drinking those tepid soy lattes. It's revolting. They are camp temperature. Sorry I don't fill my mouth with lava. They want you to at Starbucks. Some bored

girl leaves it boiling. Pikachu. You guys have combined coffee and fucking Pokemon. Now I am completely lost. girl leaves it boiling. Pikachu. Quite. You guys have combined coffee and fucking Pokemon. Now I am completely lost. Anyway, he's been under house arrest awaiting his trial. However, he violated it. And this week he's been told he'll have to spend the next three months in a pre-trial

detention center as a result. in a pre-trial detention center as a result. Again, for playing a video game where he could be sentenced to several years in prison. Ridiculous. No matter how bad we get, Russia will always be the bad guy. Very impressive. And finally tonight, in what the fuck you people are monsters here.

Right? Group called Tyrone Tapler Productions what the fuck, you people are monsters here, right? A group called Tyrone Tapler Productions organized a haunted house this year at a public elementary school in Chicago that was set to include a depiction of the Pulse nightclub

massacre. Yes. Just in case anyone's not familiar, that's the tragic mass shooting from last June in which 49 members of the LGBT community were brutally murdered by a bigoted lunatic named Omar Mateen. Well, as it turns out, that was the perfect horrible tragedy to exploit if you're building a Christian-themed Halloween attraction that teaches kids all about the terrible secular activities that can send you to hell. Like, gaying, for example. Yeah, kids, be careful if you're gay.

People will hate you enough to kill you and then maybe use you as an example. Us. I'm talking about us. I don't know why I thought this would work on you. But to be fair, though, in their defense, it's been a long time since I've been truly scared by a haunted house. And this one did it from 750 miles away without even opening.

So pretty impressive. Yeah. So this is actually a thing they do. Like in general, instead of a normal haunted house, Christian groups often make what they call a hell house instead. And it's meant to scare kids into accepting Jesus so they can avoid eternal damnation. It doesn't normally include a reenactment of specific hate crimes, but it's pretty standard to include like hate speechy homophobic lessons similar like that. Christians ruining everyone else's holidays while pretending we're ruining theirs.

Right. Yeah, religioning once again. Now, I'm not sure if it's possible to make this event any worse, but the promotional materials for this particular hellhouse also mentioned a botched abortion exhibit and a reference to the 2015 Charlestonon church shooting no idea how that relates and honestly i can't even tell if they think the shooter was the bad guy which is even more terrifying okay now this next room's a thinker kids and in here you'll see a finch imperceptibly modifying over generations. Don't worry, it can't touch you. Okay, but there is a bit of good news.

At least one reasonable person from the Chicago public school system managed to hear about the plan to reference the fucking Pulse Massacre and was eventually able to get the event canceled. Regardless, though, this is just another great example of why religion is poisonous and requires sane people to run around doing hazmat security and, like, hitting crazy people on the nose with newspapers. No. Bottom line, this is possibly the most offensive thing they could have done,

short of a haunted house about the risks of Judaism during a National Socialist movement. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Okay, but the bright side is you do know that there was a moment where some poor principal picked up the phone and was like, oh yeah, the church is doing a haunted house. They're doing what now? Oh, it's a bad week to be me. All right, so anyway, this is our post-Halloween episode.

So we decided to roll with that theme. Sorbo, if you're listening, start taking notes for next year. We've already got 30 seconds on the clock. We're looking for bigoted Christian horror movies. Go. All right. Things that would scare Christians, obviously. Okay.

How about They Live? And apparently that matters now okay man i knew i wasted the intersex assist uh okay how about rosemary's baby killer what about the people under the upstairs lounge backdraft similar or maybe the queer hitch project it's just like just amateur gay porn the hom Homo-in. Just a little kid riding around in short shorts on a seatless tricycle. Fuck.

Alright. No idea what you're going for there. The Omen. Oh, I see. The Homo-in. I'm going to go with Homo. I think you just need the visual. The visual is the important part. And he's got the tricycle bar up his butt. No, I think everybody understood.

No, that I got. That part. Because he's a homosexual. All right. Yes. Well, now everybody gets it. Good. Still three people who will tweet at me because they hear that.

All right. What about, I'm going old school. The cabinet of Dr. Ben Carson. He thinks being gay is a choice because of prison rape, just to explain. Right, right, yeah. Somebody connected those dots. It scared the fuck out of me, his cabinet, anyway. Okay, how about let the right Muslim in?

Oh, I'm so glad you guys liked that one. I was going to go with 28 gays later, and I switched to that at the last minute. Oh, I know. That's a good one. Also Swedish. How about while we're on the gay marriage, Night of the Gang Wed? I got one more.

What about Not Another Mateen Movie? They show that one at Clinton rallies. And quick, before we stumble upon a joke that's even more offensive than this story, we'll close out the headlines for the week. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Sniping Eli's gin.

Following around while he drinks horrible, disgusting soy lattes at tepid temperatures. Soy milk burns at a lower temperature than normal milk does, so when they heat it to the normal temperature, it becomes burnt, and you can taste it in the aftertaste. Shenanigans. Soy milk doesn't burn that hot. And when we come back, we'll say way worse shit about the Quran than Majid and I have ever dreamed of again. Eli and I were feeling ill and having show withdrawal chills

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and so much more. Do not wait, for you have until the 19th at 9 p.m. Pacific Standard Time to subscribe for November's Crate. When it's over, it's over. Do not wait. Go to lootcrate.com slash atheist and enter our code atheist to save $3 off all new subscriptions today. To save $3 off all new subscriptions today. As we inch ever closer to the winter months, you may have thought to yourself,

you know, 2016 has been pretty good so far. And if you have, at least part of the reason is that you didn't commit to reading the fucking Quran this year. But we did. And the result is that I haven't looked forward to a ball dropping this much since puberty. I feel like one of mine dropped, but the others stayed put. Is that normal? I feel like that, too. It's like an Astrojax.

That's standard, right? That's a toy store insider deep cut for those of you at home. Yeah, exactly. Astrojax are anal beads a guy's wife found. And, of course, joining us for the anti-penultimate quranomaniac segment is the lovely and still somewhat under the weather lucinda illusions lucinda so glad you haven't divorced me over this yet that you know of okay well while i text andrew about sheltering some income i'll let you start us off with surah 56 the inevitable or the inevitable event all right and of course the inevitable of it in question is the Muslim Judgment Day, where the earth shakes and the mountains all turn to dust.

Yep. But the new bit here, I guess, is that we'll all be divided into three groups. The forward group, the right group, and the left people. Yeah. The apocalyptic on-sign kick of destiny. Well, the Saudi version is more confused than anything else in this part, and also kind of angry

about being confused. I was like, okay, so those on the right hand, who's on the right hand again? It doesn't matter. Those on the left hand, wait, who's on the fucking left? Line? Line? Whatever. Fuck you guys line or whatever fuck you guys the front

people are at the the front i'm a hundo p on that assholes it's like uh drunk friends trying to figure out who's riding with who in a denny's parking lot just like okay so if i sit on my lap while i drive we're fine, I have to address this. We got the best possible piece of feedback we could a few weeks ago. Apparently, there is a rare, and most people apparently know this. I did not. Apparently, there is a rare but still used apologetic about the huri or the virgins, and that's that the virgin is actually a mistranslation of raisin.

That's right. Sun made. 72 fucking motherfucking raisins waiting for a guy. And I have to admit, it will be worth Islam being true and going to Muslim hell as long as I get to watch a suicide bomber show up in heaven to a bowl of 72 raisins.

I mean, I'm 100% in. Hold on though. I think it works either way. You heaven to a bowl of 72 raisins. I mean, I'm 100% in. Hold on, though. I think it works either way. You ever fuck a bowl of raisins? Don't sleep on raisins. I like the wrinkles. Good times.

Do I have a senior citizen's dating site for you? Yeah, right. This episode is sponsored by Blue Apron. Don't eat those. But there was one part that I didn't understand here. Why would anyone want a recliner made of metal string and really sharp

gemstones? That's the chair situation in Top Heaven. It sounds terrible. I don't know. He also gives us a brief it's still pretty good description of runner-up heaven. So couches, sure, but not encrusted with precious stones. But comfy. Not comfy enough to, you know,

fall asleep during the game on, but comfy. That sounds so much goddamn better than, like, piano wire and jagged diamond. They don't even have couches in top heaven, only thrones. You probably can't even see the person next to you. Like, super awkward. You're craning around around you can't cuddle yeah no it sucks piano wire and

jagged diamonds is the name of me and he's jazz band yeah he also points out here that the virgins will get put to the right so they can fuck the people up at the front like it seems kind of like a bad reward to me like hey a, good job on the virgin thing. So, this is Ahmoud. You know, he's a fronter. Like an episode of Black Mirror. Black Muslim.

And then we move on to those poor bastards on the left. Oh, poor bastards. Yeah, and he's still super confused here. Exact words. And those on the left. Oh, poor bastards. Yeah, and he's still super confused here. Exact words. And those on the left hand, who will be those on the left hand? Well, right.

That's exactly what I'm saying. I was trying to figure out, like, does he not know, like, okay, is it facing Allah or, like, is it stage left? How do we do this exactly? And listen to this description. He says that they face, quote, scorching wind, scalding water, under the shadow of black smoke. Not that cool or refreshing black smoke, mind you. He literally points that out.

But so, L.A. Bad people go to L.A. when they die. Yeah, when they live, when they die. Bad people belong in L.A. That's not just in the correct... Send your emails to Eli Bosnick. And then he tries to take credit for my ball juice, which I found

kind of fucked up. Yeah, actual line in my translation, Sirah 56 verses 57 and 58. Quote, We have created you. Why then do you not accept the truth? Have you thought about the semen that you discharged? Did you create it or did we? End quote. So the argument. Have you thought about the semen that you discharged? Of course I have. Did you create it or did we?

End quote. So the argument from can you make nut butter? Another new one for me. Yeah, not really convincing to the female readers. Hey, I'm just saying I am very much looking forward to telling people I didn't miss your tits. Allah missed

your tits. Allah wants to cure your breast cancer. Allah missed your tits. Allah wants to cure your breast cancer. That's his thing. And your colon cancer. Also, I think you should have to do my laundry, too, if we're being fair about who caused what.

At least do the sheets, Muhammad. Come on. Yeah, there's a sock under Heath's bed that Muhammad owes at least four washes to. Several socks. And that there's a sock under Heath's bed that Muhammad owes at least four washes to. Several socks. And that's all we've got to say about that, sir. So now we can move on to, sir, 58, the pleading or the pleading woman. Yeah, a bunch of different titles here, but they all mean the same thing.

We're going to deal with the lady concerned to be here. The important shit, like when your husband says you are like his mother's back to him. Are you really his mom? So weird. Which is as near as I can tell what we're actually talking about in this sermon. That's ridiculous. I'm pretty sure the Saudi version is literally reminding Muslim men that they can't transform their wife into their mom. Like an actual warning about that.

Yeah. What the fuck was happening in Medina before this? Just going to rearrange this family picture a little bit. Well, I also love if you back away from this for a second, you realize that a euphemism that basically equates to I would sooner

ass fuck my mother made it into a holy book multiple times. Number two. Also, if you want to fuck your wife after declaring her to be like your mom's ass, you have to set free a slave first. These aren't problems I can relate to. Right, right. It's like the I'm not ashamed of holy books. And also, doesn't that mean that to be a proper Muslim, you kind of have to have a ready store

of slaves? Well, no, no, there are other options oh that's right that's right you can fast for two months or you can feed 60 people and it doesn't say how much you have to feed them so i'm pretty sure you can fuck your divorced wife for a bag of m&ms that is an ad for islam i get behind. Fuck your divorced wife for a bag of M&Ms. Tom from Cognitive Distance, too, probably. But hold on. I think I have a loophole for this one. So you declare your wife to be your mom's ass.

You enslave her, release her, and then fuck her again. Or don't release her and just fuck your slave. I think the principle of fucking your slave whenever you feel like it, that supersedes the other thing. I feel like Muhammad would agree with you there, yeah. And then the book slips into actual morals for a bit and talks about giving to charity and being nice to other people. Don't worry, don't worry. A couple verses later, he's talking about all the organs Allah is going to violently rip out of the bad people on Judgment Day. I know.

I got worried for a second. Don't turn over a new leaf now, man. We have two more segments to go. Mo took his meds for one day. Yeah, part of one day. And then we get Surah 59, the mustering. And this is yet another example of Mo abusing his power. This whole chapter is about how when the Muslims sack a town, it's probably best

if Muhammad gets way bigger cut than everybody else. It's right out of the gate. And he's not even trying to disguise that. The best he offers is, I know it's a lot more than my share, but I'm probably going to spend it on orphans and shit. You know me. Now bring me another nubile 11-year-old, please.

Brings a whole new meaning to trickle down. It's sticky, though. It doesn't trickle meaning to trickle down. It's sticky, though. It doesn't trickle. That's the lie. No, the supply side is tighter. We need an experiment. The supply side is a lot tighter. It's true.

And then in verse 21, he claims he can destroy mountains with the Quran. This strikes me as a testable claim. But it can't do it while you're looking, so everybody turn around for 65 million years. Turn back around. Oh, you're all skeleton. What does the Allah go on fool us with Penn and Teller now?

We noticed your mountain looks a lot like a bird cage. Yours does. And that brings us to Surah 60 with the titillating title She That Is To Be Examined. So like strip search porn. Or at least that's what I was hoping for. And this one starts off with the unambiguous

command not to be friends with non-Muslims. And he makes it abundantly clear that this includes your parents and your kids and your family and shit. Don't run around with non-Muslims. They secretly want to devour your brain. And I'll know if you're friends with them because that's the first shit your ears

will tell me when you get to heaven. Also, in verse 4 he points out that Abraham hated people who believed the wrong shit and so you should too? Yeah. I just want to be sure I have the right person here. Abraham's the guy who thought

it would be a good idea to stab his son to death, right? Because the voice is in his head. And then he stopped at the last second because the voice is in his head. Good source for epistemology advice. Absolutely. Then we do a deep dive on women appraisal

and how much you have to pay for Muslim wives versus heathen sex slaves and the like. Yeah. And as far as I can tell, you're allowed to buy mail order wives as long as you pay for shipping and handling. Seriously. But if they send you a heathen, you can demand like a prepaid return label.

Keep them as fuck slaves. Do I have that right? You do. You do, though. You put it in modern parlance. That's exactly what he's saying. Yeah, you don't have to do the friends and family payment on PayPal. It's basically the same shit right here.

You can do the buyer's protection thing. We also get another one of these which one doesn't belong lists from Moe in verse 12. He's describing what you want in a good Muslim wife. So he lists all the shit she has to promise not to do. This list in its entirety is not to associate partners with God, not to steal, not to commit adultery, not to murder her children, not to lie, not to disobey that which is right. Circle back. Circle back. What?

Yeah. But see, I feel like as he's given that list, he just looks awkwardly at Judy. He's like, not to lie, not to be a bitch, not to murder your children again, Judy. Not to deny that which is wrong. Fucking Judy. And then he waffles again and closes the surah telling you not to befriend non-Muslims again, and then it's off to surah 61, the ranks. Honestly, I got to the end of this one and just asked myself, did I read anything just now?

Nothing happens. No, basically, God, pretty awesome. Pretty awesome. Like Larry David. Yeah, exactly. I did find verse 5 interesting, though. It's that liar thing of trying to establish that everyone already agreed to something that's blatantly not true, and they definitely didn't agree to.

It says, and remember when Jesus was like, oh, Jews, don't forget that my boy Muhammad is taking over as the next prophet of God after this. Right. And then when Muhammad showed up 500 years later, the Jews were like, boo, boo, liar. Remember, we all agreed on how that all definitely happened. We do agree. Next verse already started. Moving on. Done.

And just when you're thinking it's been a while since we went all Hitler in this book, we get to Sarah 62, the congregation. And we're only six verses in when we get this little gem. Quote, old Jews. So, you know, it's going to be good. Oh, yeah. him quote old jews so you know it's going to be good oh yeah if you claim that you are favored by god out of all the people then long for death if you are truthful and then somebody says does that mean we should also long for death mo and mo goes like yeah in a minute we're just waiting for the plane tickets to clear yeah pretty sure this verse accidentally points out that all the faithfully

religious people on earth should kill themselves. Yep. Right now. Or if it's against the rules to kill yourself, they should at least be hoping to get murdered at any given moment. And then he's like, yeah, don't worry, we got this. Don't worry, guys. Allah showed me how the 20th century works out, and there's a lot. It's really great.

and Cedric works out and there's a lot. It's really great. He also points out that all Jews are like an ass-carrying book. It is actually. And it's supposed to be a zinger. You can practically see the, like, winky emoji at the end of the fucking thing. And it's just, you can tell everyone in the room paused and he looked around and they were like, ah, ha, ha. Oh, I didn't hear you.

I get it. That the thinker can't read books. Don't kill me. I mean, I want to die because of the whole thing, but don't. How about you don't though? And then we get this whiplash-inducing change of subject. It's all like, Jews will die and

burn in hell. Fuck the Jews. I can't wait for them all to die. Straight to, oh, and we're doing prayer on Fridays, guys. Fridays now. Bring dip. If everybody wants to bring a different dip, it'll be more fun. Also, if anybody wants to go to a movie or something on Friday, don't forget to be a self-righteous prick

about begging out. Very important. Obviously, yeah. Muslim God is very clear that you should reply all that you can't make it, use a mass text message, and write on the Facebook wall of the event you can't make it to. Very important in message, and write on the Facebook wall of the event you can't make it to. Very important in Islam, apparently. Exactly. And then it's off to Surah 63, The Hypocrites.

And I'm sorry, but who is he even warning us about in this one here? He's basically saying, beware of people who pledge allegiance to God and do all the shit I say they should do. Can't trust those motherfuckers. You see two people claiming to be Muslims always ask the first one if the second one is secretly a spy from Mossad. They are. They have to tell you because they always lie. Always take legal advice from a podcast.

Well, he points out that people who don't believe have had their hearts closed, and that's why they say this book doesn't make sense. Nice little trick there, right? Could be right. Could be right. I don't know what this book reads like with an open heart. Well, at least we know that the dangerous people we should avoid are good looking. He tells us that in verse four. He says, so beware of the good looking people who you have

no reason to be suspicious of. Yeah, it seems like we're showing problems. But I also feel like this is another example where it all made sense if you knew who Mo was staring at when he said that. Because he can't just come out and say, and don't trust Larry, that guy's awful. Larry turns around from the mirror. What now? Sorry. He also tells us in this story not to let your wealth or your children distract you from your remembrance of Allah.

Literal quote, those who do so, they are losers. End quote. Giving further fuel to my theory that Trump wants to ban Muslims because they know he's stealing from their fucking club. Can't wait for Melania's next speech. Starts out with, oh, Jews. 54 score and seven years ago. Then we get to Surah 64, the cheating, which starts with another screed about Allah having the best penis ever. It's getting really rough because the surahs are so short at this point

that by the time he gets over his obligatory page of God is so awesome, he created all this shit, he's the only God stuff, we're done. The surah is over. Not a lot of commentary to add. There's one pretty fucked up sentence in here, though. In verse 14, he says, Believers, even among your wives and children you have enemies so beware of them. Hard to imagine how anything good comes of that

advice. I'm sorry are you just summarily tossing out the important father son bonding aspect of a good honor killing? That's true. I don't want to kill my sister. Come on it'll be fun once we get there. You said the same thing about Little League, didn't you? We'll go for ice cream afterwards. Okay, fine, fine. But what's the super soaker for? Why is it glass?

Don't touch that. Don't touch that. Jesus. And then we get Sarah 65. Super promising title here. It says divorce. And the most important thing about divorce, apparently, is that you shouldn't divorce your wife when she's on the rag. You've got to divorce her when she's pure.

Right, right. And also, don't run her out of the house unless she's a real bitch. And apparently the no divorce during menstruation thing is so important that he even includes instructions on how to divorce a menopausal wife. And what to do if the wife you're divorcing is pre- pubescent and hasn't had her period yet.

It's Surah 65, verse 4. In the case of those of your wives who have passed the age of menstruation, if you have any doubt, know that their waiting period is three months. And that will apply likewise to those who have passed the age of menstruation, if you have any doubt, know that their waiting period is three months. And that will apply likewise to those who have not yet menstruated. Right. So for clarity, Mo just gave us a how to divorce your prepubescent wife advice.

You have to have a book of morals. Otherwise, I wouldn't know whether or not that was right or wrong. I feel special. And one other detail from the awesome book of morals. The rule for divorcing pregnant women is you have to wait until they're like crowning. Then and only then

is it appropriate to divorce them. Okay, breathe. Morality. Breathe. Sign these papers. I just feel like it's not working out. We've become roommates more than lovers. And breathe. And you're my mom's ass. He also prescribes a tit juice fee if your divorced

wife is still suckling your kid here. He doesn't say what it should be, he just says that you should compensate them in some way if they're still... Yeah, pay for the tit juice. And it also says that if she tries to price gouge you, you're allowed to outsource. It says that specifically.

It does. And the Saudi version is even crazier. It says that if she charges too much for the breast milk, quote, then some other woman may give suck for him the father of the child. Yeah, what? End quote. So just to recap. Please. child yeah what end quote so okay just to recap please if you divorce your wife while she's crowning and then she tries to overcharge for breastfeeding you the father should start

suckling breast milk from another woman and i guess snowballing it into your baby's mouth pretty sure that's what it's saying. Which is the non-strawberry version of the milkshake. That's a callback to something we're going to record later. Listen, the thing is you want to Google all these terms and show them to your kids. Show them to your kids. That's the key. And also, just a minor

point, but he tosses this Kubrickian ending onto this one. At the very end it says it is God who created the seven heavens and the same number of earth. And then he just ends it. But what the fuck is up with these six other earths? We're not going to dig into that at all? Okay, well there's Civil

War. There's the one where the Watchers make everyone fight for their amusement. There's the one where Spider-Man's black. I don't know if you remember that one. Space Nine. Space Nine in there. Yeah, well, good to get that all cleared up before we wrap the segment. So with 42 pages and 48 stories to go, we're going to leave you there for the time being. Guys, only two more Corona Maniac segments to go, then we never have to open this fucking book again.

Have you ever more looked forward to the end of a book? Oh, I don't know. Yeah, but I just read American Gods, so that's not fair. I looked forward to the end of the Bible longer. Okay, good point. Good point. Before we power down tonight, I want to let you know that Puzzle in a Thunderstorm is going to be bringing on an unpaid intern this spring. So if you are or know of a college student seeking credit in the spring semester who could use some real-world experience with a startup production company, let us know.

Applicants need to be well-organized, ambitious, and willing to learn. We're also looking for somebody with competency in video editing as well as familiarity with SoundCloud, YouTube, and Google Drive. Obviously, an interest in podcasting and the inside workings of our show is a big plus. YouTube and Google Drive. Obviously, an interest in podcasting and the inside workings of our show is a big plus. If you or somebody you know wants to earn college credit with Dig Chokes as an added bonus, send us an email with your resume

and a letter of introduction to thescathingintern at gmail.com. We'll also have that listed on the show notes, of course. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode

of our sister show's hot friend, God Awful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday. That's right. I said seven because we're up in our fucking game, y'all. And obviously that game wouldn't be all that up if I neglected to thank Heath for always up in the bar, Lucinda for being down with the dick jokes, and Eli for being up for going down. I also need to thank Brian from the Glasgow Skeptics as well as the awesome people who came out to see us there for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Honestly, if you live anywhere near Glasgow, you owe it to yourself to hit up one of their skeptics in the pub events. Only been to one, but I saw what an awesome job they do organizing those things, and I would definitely go again. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most sympathetic Simeons, Brother Brewer Jacob Ian, Ben Torrey, Charles Farrell, Kid Ingrid, and Clement.

Jacobian, Ben, Tori, Charles, Feral Kid, Ingrid, and Clement. Brother Brewer, Jacob, and Ian, who give the LHC stream envy. Ben, Tori, and Charles, whose IQs are so high Al Gore needs an elevator to point at them. And Feral Kid, Ingrid, and Clement, who are so attractive we're not even sure if the universe's expansion is accelerating anymore. Together, these nine fine, genuine doubters of the divine were inclined to combine to keep us out of the breadline this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the supreme intellect and ninja skills it takes to give us money, but if you're feared by disingenuous debaters and kung fu zombie bots alike, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode,

or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of our homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but your generals are simply too incredible to compliment with mere words, Thank you. The music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly. And yes, I did have our permission. What are those people called? Because they're going to think I mean Arabs. They're actually called they're actually called sand people. Okay. Well, that's not who I mean. Edit.

Edit. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm LLC Copyright 2016 All rights reserved.