The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 195: WTF Happened Edition

Episode Date: November 10, 2016

In this week’s episode, Lucinda invents a time machine made of rage and microwave parts, we hook up Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Stephen Breyer to a monatomic gold respirator, and the 2020 presidential election begins. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Guest Links: Click Here to check out the Skeptic Smash Talk Podcast: http://www.skepticsmashtalk.com/ Headlines: There will be a God’s Not dead 3 http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/10/28/there-will-be-a-gods-not-dead-3-says-studio-head/ Klingenschmitt says the government is giving gay people bonus pay by funding hiv research http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/11/01/gordon-klingenschmitt-the-government-is-giving-lgbt-people-bonus-pay-by-funding-research-on-hiv/ Catholic church says no to cremation http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/10/26/catholic-church-has-new-guidelines-on-cremation-because-controlling-you-during-life-isnt-enough/ People lose their shit over a starbucks cup….again http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/11/03/starbucks-cup-panic-is-the-apex-of-christian-entitlement/ New study that wasn’t about richard dawkins shows that everyone hates richard dawkins http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/10/31/richard-dawkins-is-bad-for-science-say-researchers-predisposed-to-not-liking-him/ Jesus didn’t need porn to get it up so neither should you (30 seconds porn for jesus): http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/11/01/pastor-john-piper-jesus-didnt-need-porn-to-get-it-up-for-the-church-so-stop-watching-it/

Warning, this episode contains profanity and pretty much nothing else. I mean, what the fuck did you expect? This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by a new podcast I'm working on. I don't have the title locked in yet, but right now we're calling it Putting Nate Silver's TI-82 Calculator Inside James Comey with Heath. Open to try a new and unique process every week. Suggestions are welcome. And now, the Scathing Atheist.

Hi, this is Jason. And this is the voiceover robot from the Skeptic Smash Talk podcast. And we're here to tell you that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. Except for me. Jason created me. He is God. And we must go to war for him. It's Thursday.

It's November 10th. And fuck. Yeah, no kidding. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, in Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, fuck Pennsylvania,

this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Lucinda invents a time machine made of rage and microwave parts. We hook up Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Stephen Breyer to a monatomic gold respirator. Oh, shit. And the 2020 presidential election begins. But first, the diatribe.

It was so funny on Tuesday. Tuesday was so funny. You were probably in on it. I mean, I know a lot of you were, but for the rest of you, I'll tell you guys what happened. So Eli was mad at me for eating the last devil dog again. And you know Eli. He started a prank war. And what he did was he hired all the guys from CNN and MSNBC and Fox News.

And he had them record hours of presidential election footage. But like, you know, as if Trump had won. And then he hacked into my cable and made a whole different internet that corroborated all this like Trump's going to be president nonsense and rerouted all my devices to that. And I'll be honest with you. He almost got me. I almost believed it. The election for the president of the United States of America was just won by Donald wall building Muslim banning disability, mocking climate change, denying fat shaming pussy, grabbing Frank and Cheeto Trump. I mean, seriously, guys, gals, what in the monkey shit just happened? How the fuck am I supposed to put words together now? I'm supposed to get on here today and not just see how long I can hold the you and fuck.

What the hell do you want from me? I got some set of words that encapsulates the nuclear fuck tartary that just befell the world, Donald Trump is going to be president. That will always have happened, right? We will never make up for that. If every American went out tomorrow and cured a different strain of cancer, we would still be the country that elected Donald Trump to run it, who put Donald Trump in charge of the world's largest nuclear arsenal. This shit's going to be in history books. Our great, great, great grandkids are going to know about this and they're going to tell them that we already knew about the pussy grabbing

shit before we elected him. I mean, remember back when I was going to do jokes about the president having a vagina? I was going to come out and I would say like more like over office and then you would laugh and we would move on to other shit. It was a simpler time, a time before Nate Silver could go fuck himself. Back when we were counting the 2018 midterms before they had hashed, a time when we so radically underestimated the per capita stupidity of America that we never took the words President Donald J. Trump seriously, a time when we naively said there is absolutely no way that I am surrounded by the kind of frothing at the mouth shit for brains dingle tarts it would take to elect Donald fucking Trump

to the highest office in the country. I would have noticed how few of them got their pants on the correct appendages every day by now. But now we live in a different world, a more negligently stupid world. And the most terrifying thing about this world is that it is genuinely post-truth. You know, we just went through an election where one of the candidates would literally just make up whatever number he wanted, attach it to whatever problem he wanted, and then just carry on. And as we speak, four out of every two black people in Chicago is being murdered. And it doesn't fucking matter that even the most conservative media outlet you can possibly take seriously is saying, well, yeah, that's bullshit.

That doesn't even make sense. Sorry about that. Because apparently the majority of voters don't care what's true. They live in a world where global warming is a myth and Jesus is going to save them. And their biggest concerns are the mind control powder on their juice box lining and the yoga mats they put in Subway bread. And while I'll admit that this isn't the worst thing that's ever happened in all of human history, I feel like it's a pretty solid contender for the stupidest. It could lead to the worst. We've been running around here pretending we're smart enough to keep doing democracy even after the George W. Bush reelection thing.

You know, we were all like, no, look, we did a black guy. He's a lawyer. He knows smart words. And we fooled ourselves into thinking we could be trusted around voting booths again. And make no mistake, if you're looking for somebody to blame, look in the fucking mirror. I know when I look there, I see a guy who has a political podcast he kept on hiatus for an entire presidential election because he was too busy doing that other show about important stuff

like what David A.R. white looks like a cartoon character fucked which is admittedly probably not what you see when you look in the mirror so maybe you can start by blaming me but then look in the mirror and blame yourself because when things are this fucked up in a democracy it's too late to blame the candidates you have to blame the electorate and no matter how much you did you obviously didn't do enough so And no matter how much you did, you obviously didn't do enough. So yes, I am talking to you too, unless you're one of our non-American listeners, in which case I'm just glad you haven't stopped hanging out with us. And I apologize in advance for bombing your country when one of your late night comedians makes a joke about our president's

sexual assault bravado. I mean, I'd love to just point at somebody and be able to say like, yo, it was all the, it was the Christians or whatever. And then we could gang up on the real culprit. But in a case like this, there is no one real culprit and pretending there is, isn't any way to solve problems. Unless of course those problems are voter turnout and the rust belt, in which case it works just fucking fine. Look, the real problem here is that we're a bunch of spoiled brats that have lived in a democracy that could essentially function on cruise control for a couple of decades. We bitch about the system without realizing that we are the system now. And despite all the evidence to the contrary, we trusted Americans not to do the most stupidly self-destructive thing they could possibly do.

Now, don't get me wrong here. now don't get me wrong here i am not trying to tack onto that tired trope that says we're all equally but to blame for the 60 million people who actually went to the polls to vote for a misogynistic white supremacist sexual assaulter there are certainly people who bear more blame than others and if you happen to see a frightened white man pining for the days when brown people were easier to subjugate internationally when you looked in the mirror you deserve way more derision than the guy who's thinking to himself, you know, I could have taken Ted to the polling station. Ted liked Hillary. Fuck. But when something is this broken, it is everyone's fault who has the remotest chance of fixing it and hasn't done that yet. But if you need a silver lining,

I might have one for you. Because when all is said and done, Donald Trump actually will make America great again. In about four years after we're done erasing all the progress we just made. See, look, he's going to teach yet another generation that you can't sit this shit out and trust the American people to vote sanely. He'll incense enough people to get Democratic majorities in both houses of Congress in the midterms. he'll incense enough people to get democratic majorities in both houses of congress in the midterms and assuming we make it through the next four years without a twitter fight sparking an atomic holocaust will rise from the ashes of this disaster with a populace that knows their democracy cannot function without their full attention and look the only other choice is that we keep going in this direction until we collectively stupid ourselves to death in a matter of about eight

years and i feel like at this point both of those outcomes leave us with a better world joining me for headlines tonight are two people demographically at fault for the death of american democracy heath enright and eli bosnick, are you ready to start telling people we're black? Do you think that would help? Or that we're women? We can say that. There's no place like home. There's no place like home. Sorry, what? As appealing as it sounds

to be a black woman right now, I'm going to pass. Oh, fuck. And obviously we've got a lot still to bitch about this week, but before we do, let's got a lot still to bitch about this week. But before we do, let's take a quick break to hear about this week's first sponsor. Hey, Heath, what you got there? Oh, this?

This is my sassy t-shirt. It says, eat it on there, you see? Eat it? Eat it? Yeah, you know. Eat it, like the phrase. I do not know. It's what they had, okay? It's The phrase. I do not know. It's what they had, okay?

It's the phrase. How much did that shirt cost? $70. Hi, I'm Eli Bosnick. Is this scenario all too common in your life? Do you just not have any cool stuff? Do you find yourself on a quest for epic gear, houseware, and collectibles all too often?

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It was a brick that I put in a fish tank. My lame stuff syndrome was so serious, I required an immediate transfusion of a bigger box with even bigger loots in Loot Crate DX. Now when people ask about my stuff, the story doesn't include people who died and left it to me. Be the envy of your friends and get your 100% exclusive crates at lootcrate.com slash atheist. And enter the code atheist to save $3 off any new subscription before your lame stuff syndrome gets out of hand. What if I turn it inside out?

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When it's over, it's over. No more crates. So go to lootcrate.com slash atheist and enter our code atheist to save $3 off any new subscription today. Thanks, Loot Crate. Eat it. Dude, just stop trying to make eat it work. Rick and raw, rick and rick and raw. Eat it. Raw.

And now back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, we're too stupid to do democracy anymore and that makes us smart right i just i for fuck's sake before this i had written this whole story about how hillary had won the election i'd written it on tuesday i was sure it would be good and then i had to just delete that whole fucking thing and And what I wrote instead is about 190 times I wrote the word fuck with bold in the middle saying what the fuck is wrong with us with a bunch of interrobangs afterwards. And then I wrote, and in conclusion, fuck. I mean, can we talk about other stuff? I got to sound off on this shit in the diatribe, so feel free to send the message to the negligently stupid American electorate if you want.

But after that, can we just pretend Obama will be our forever president and just do a show as though the apocalypse isn't looming in January's shadow, please? Uncle Henry? Auntie Em? Fuck! It's just I've been doing it all goddamn night. Man, that whole Jade Helm Obama staying president thing sure is attractive now. Right. Is it too late?

Yeah, exactly. Is it too late to start taking Alex Jones seriously? Apparently all the serious news got it wrong. But I actually do want to say something. And look, maybe this is bullshit, but I woke up this morning. We all did, actually. We woke up this morning to a friend of ours saying, hey, you know, you guys should take a few days off. You deserve it. And the very first thing that came to my mind was absolutely fucking not. double down laughs because that's that's my part so whatever it is you do you gotta double down on that shit because as scared as i am as sad as i am i will not let it defeat me these assholes ain't

seen nothing yet you made my wife cry you woke the fucking beast and you're gonna miss the version of me that thought it was winning yeah no and we should have some fucking like some trumpets and then some like airplanes flying by at the end of that and post or something but look look i mean we've never been through this shit before like i i woke up depressed when carrie lost i woke up with that you assholes just re-elected george w bush pit in my stomach that lasted four years but this is different this is not like the other guy's candidate one. This is the misogynistic, racist, fascist bully one. This is proof that you can win an election just by appealing to the worst parts of the worst Americans.

Fear, racism, hatred, nationalism, sexism, and stupidity. And we're going to do our part, like Eli says, to beat back the flames of idiocy burning down American democracy over the next four years but for now we're going to set all that shit aside and pretend jokes are still funny for a little while read some shit that we wrote before all of this happened

we wrote more shit we wrote shit we wrote shit when Hillary was going to be president it was funny we wrote comedy Heath and I were together during the election last night, watching it together, and I kept turning to him and being like, we got to do a comedy show tomorrow.

Awesome. We're excited for our comedy show. It's going to be great. Yeah, and don't worry. We already have Liz Warren at a snow cabin running with tree trunks and doing push-ups with me on her back, and she is surprisingly strong. I was not surprised. I was not surprised. I was not surprised.

I'm surprisingly heavy. Eli, make us laugh, please. Well, hey, and Ian, you said there was nothing to look forward to news tonight. Shovel with a Nickelback haircut and one of the heads of Pure Flix Studios, David R. White, confirmed with CNN this week that God's Not Dead 3 is in the works. Oh shit, spoiler alert. Jesus, I am your father. I'm not saying that's where they're going to go,

but that's where they should go. David A.R. White should turn out to be God. Okay, well if Melissa Joan Hart gets her hand cut off and then makes out with her sister, I am on board. You heard him. He's not joking. He wants you to cut off Melissa Joan Hart's hand.

Weird. Why would he say that? That's so crazy. Why would Eli start a website for it? Cut off Melissa Joan Hart's hand.com. Please. Please make that website. Don't make that website.

He's laughing and joking. Remember we said we were going to joke from this point on. Andrew's already having a bad day. Yeah, no shit. Don't pile that website. He's laughing and joking. Remember we said we were going to joke from this point on. Andrew's already having a bad day. Yeah, no shit. Don't pile on, man. So for those of you who sat with us through the end credits of God's Not Dead 2, you'll know it ended with White's character, Pastor Truck Ran Over My Face, being arrested for not submitting his sermons to an evil atheist chicken eating

government clerk summary based on the historicity of government clerks being so on the side of secularism i guess anyways so it looks like we can hope for a third non-existent persecution fantasy i'm just hoping this one has ewoks you know what i'm saying right hell yeah they bust out at gold gotha start fucking up romans with bolos and the cupid all effect box office gold david and then at the end we find out that spock's not dead he's surely alive hills yeah love those movies yeah hey it's not all bad news though though. Even though the first movie cost $2 million and made $60 million, the second cost $5 million. One assumes solely based on the cost of keeping Melissa Joan Hart's face attached to her body, but it only made $20 million. So doing the math there, and slightly better than Nate Silver, we can assume this one will cost $12.5 million and only make $6 million. So we're getting there. What I million. So we're getting there.

What I'm saying is we're getting there. And in Gokling's news tonight, the 15th Voting District of Colorado should continue living in abject shame thanks to State Representative Gordon Klingenschmitt, who they elected to hold public office. All the voting districts still there. Should be in abject shame. Yeah. So those of you who don't follow turtleneck suits blowing swine like bubbles from their neck hole, Quicken Schmidt is the former military chaplain and ignorant fucking monster who

thinks President Obama is an actual demon. ignorant fucking monster who thinks President Obama is an actual demon, also suggested that affordable health care causes cancer, and believes that gay equals pedophile. Well, there you go. We cured cancer last night, guys. Yeah. Given this guy's obvious medical expertise,

he decided we all needed his opinion on a recent move by the National Institute of Health to study the increased incidence of depression, HIV, AIDS and cancer among members of the LGBT community. And basically he's mad because this is a subsidy for sodomy. Oh, that's what he thinks. Yeah. And I guess it's messing with the equilibrium price. Sodomy. For sodomy. These people are in charge now. And, you know, look, while we're on the subject, I've had it with this reverse racist way we study the sickle cell trait, you know, while we're talking about it.

And why do the patients of cancer get all the chemo? Right. He has to shave his head twice a week. It's not fair. So thanks to right-wing watch... You should be on Dave Rubin's show. Yeah, so thanks to right-wing watch,

who Clayton Schmidt tried to sue for directly quoting his horrible statements, we have a direct quote from his latest horrible statement. Go right-wing watch. In response to the news about the NIH, he actually said the following words. Quote, so now they're going to get bonus pay, bonus pay to treat the diseases which they bring on due to their behavior. End quote.

He's talking about the LGBT community. Yeah, and the AIDS. And apparently he thinks this policy is going to get abused when everyone starts realizing the obvious loophole in the system, which of course would be phase one, become depressed gay people with cancer and AIDS. Phase three, profit. Yeah. Well, I think we can all agree that depressed gay AIDS patients have it easy enough already, especially under this new president we got coming. And what's so amazing is he thinks that people don't deserve medical care for things they bring on themselves. So if you get in a car crash, Gordon Klingenschmitt just wants to show up outside and be like, really? Really?

You had to text. No. No hospital for you. I'm consistent. Should have bought a Volvo. No hospital for you. I'm consistent. Should have bought a Volvo. That's on you. Steal a safety cage. All right, one last point on this. Even if this was, like, gay reparations,

like Klingenschmitt seems to think, we pretty much fucking should be paying damages to the gay community. I mean, they just became partial humans last year, and it took a goddamn Supreme Court ruling. I mean, same thing with black people, but they've had it since 1868, and now racism is completely gone, and they're crushing it.

So I think we're even with them now. But the gay people, for sure. Something. Some kind of damages. And in you-never-go-ash-to-mouth news tonight, the Catholic Church released new guidelines with regards to cremation last week because apparently their intrusive and creepy co-ownership

of your body doesn't end at death. That was Bill Donahue's suggestion for a slogan. Wait, you never go ash to mouth? It's not too late for that to succeed. And their statement makes it sound like they did this because they were tired of people leaving urns just any old place. Hold on, though. I think that there's a valid concern there. We had my grandma's urn and a cup of coffee on top of the car, and we just drove away right away from the zone.

So embarrassing. And to be fair, it is their most modestly priced receptacle all right so according to the spin they had to put on this to make the money grubbing nature of it a little less transparent having a gravesite quote encourages family members and the whole christian community to pray for and remember the dead while at the same time fostering veneration of martyrs and saints, end quote. So, you know, the five to nine thousand bucks a pop they get for a hole in the ground is nice. And the fact that they figured out how to use cemetery maintenance fund as a shelter against paying their sexual abuse victims is a great perk.

But it's really about the remembrance and the prayers and stuff. That's the key. Hey, now, hey, a ton of those kids kill themselves. And if that's not cemetery maintenance, what is? Trump's a job creator. That's what we're saying. But, I mean, if cemeteries start going away, where are all the middle school kids supposed to take their Ouija boards

and play paintball and go monging? Google that. Google that and show it to your kids. take their Ouija boards and play paintball and go munging. Google that. Show it to your kids. The point is, it's not just about you, bereaved people. I get what the Vatican is saying. Always thinking of yourself, you damn bereaved.

I should also add, if you're a human and you're not donating your body to science, you're doing it wrong. I got a polite no thank you from science well you tried heath for the third time they want you to wait until you're dead i want a robot arm and also by the way while we're on the subject if you're a religion and you're discouraging people from donating their bodies to science you're a pariah on your larger culture and you should have to put the assholes who want to

keep blind people blind and rookie surgeons guessing on your business card. This is no different than burning down the MRI scanner when you're done with it. Well, don't need that anymore. Also, you're missing out on some supreme opportunities to mess with people, which is why

once a week I swallow a scroll with convoluted directions to a treasure chest I've buried filled with my own poop. They're going to ruin some med students here. Yeah, but you have a great story. He will. He will. And in a bunch of different guys' one-cup news tonight,

it's that time of the year again, namely, after Halloween, which means that Christmas is in the air. With traditions like gifts, joy, and people being very specific about the cup they want their pumpkin spice latte to come. It's a tradition. Yeah, a chilled one so we don't scald our little baby tongues. That's exactly right. That is exactly right.

This month, Starbucks unveiled yet another new cup, which wasn't a Christmas cup. But that didn't stop Christians from losing their shit anyway. The new cup is not only green, which is, you know, the only color Jesus who's a yellow lantern can't control, but featured the faces of a variety of people, some of whom very well might not be Christians. And for many, this went too far. I see one more Jew face on my goddamn coffee cup. There is no way to finish that sentence in a good way. No way to do it. The fuck is wrong with you people?

Ellipses. A lot of their sentences just end in ellipses. I'm not. is wrong with you people ellipses a lot of their sentences just end in ellipses so the right-leaning daily wire accused starbucks of quote beckoning for protests last year end quote which just a quick reminder was having a cup without jesus front kicking a jew into an oven already filled with gay muslims okay that's not bad i knew I could finish that sentence. Well, only by ruining the surprise on the design of this year's scathing atheist Christmas cops. I know. I'm sorry.

I'm just excited. I'm excited. They're so beautiful. Great holiday gifts. Scathingatheist.com Jewish Holocaust Christmas. That's it. The article went on to describe Josh Fierstein's meltdown about it in a way that would make my recent deposition about, quote, falling into Phyllis Schlafly's grave with a stapler and a picture of Kelly Kohlberg's face when my pants fell off. It seemed downright even handed by comparison at SPLC.

Pay attention to me. You'll get there. They all killed themselves last night. Don't worry about it. Good. However, worry about it. Good. However, not to fear, it turns out, as I said at the beginning, this was not a Christmas cup. It was just a cup reflecting on how shitty this year has been and how 100 plus faces drawn all in one line symbolize Starbucks's wish that we all be a little bit more unified. A nice message, which Christians reacted to accordingly.

Right. And quick, while Josh Fierstein is distracted with blacking out all the ethnic-looking faces with a Sharpie, we'll pause for a break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun.

Hey! I'm proud of a man. This week in Massage. Well, if nothing else, we know that ethics in gaming journalism are safe for the next four years. I mean, what the actual fuck, guys? I woke up on Wednesday morning embarrassed to look my cats in the eye. I looked at him like, I know your species is the one that licks its ass clean and eats carpet snags if I don't stop them, but we're the ones who elected Donald Trump as our president, so maybe you should feed me from now on. And look, I know the blame game was cranked up to 11 before the results from the Rust Belt were even in. All the Bernie supporters started blaming the Hillary supporters for not backing the more dynamic candidate.

All the Hillary supporters started blaming the Bernie supporters for not getting more enthusiastic about the more moderate candidate. All the pundits were blaming the pollsters. The Democratic Party was blaming the electorate. The electorate was blaming the party. The news channels were blaming each other. And you know, I kind of wanted to take the high road here and do my segment on all of us coming together, but I just can't. Because they're all right. The Hillary supporters are right. The Bernie supporters are right. And we should have listened to each other's concerns a little closer instead of blocking one another on Facebook.

So, yeah, we've all got plenty of blame to shoulder this week. And with apologies, I'm going to go ahead and heap a little more on there, too. I mean, can we at least accept that some of the reason Hillary lost is American vagina phobia? And before you dismiss that, I want you to imagine a man with the same qualifications as Hillary. Before you dismiss that, I want you to imagine a man with the same qualifications as Hillary. A man who had served two terms in the Senate, acted as Secretary of State, had been in the public eye for decades without any real scandals. I want you to imagine that this same guy had been pilloried by the opposition for the same lame-ass non-scandals as Hilldog. He used the wrong email once. He told banks that the little people

shouldn't always get what they want. He had a charitable institution that made money, you know, that kind of stuff. Just imagine Hillary, except with a penis, and tell me that you honestly think that guy would have had any trouble trouncing Trump in the general. Or if that's too much for you, try going the other way with it. Imagine Trump with a vag. Imagine some racist-ass woman that promised America she was going to wave a magic bring-back-all-the-jobs wand and lack the intelligence to pull off a convincing sentence. Imagine some lady that bragged about grabbing guys by the ball sack. Or, hey, set that aside and just imagine a woman who had five kids from three different husbands.

Imagine how quick the American electric would have been to gobble her up. Look, I'm not saying sexism is the only problem we have here. That would be as stupid as pretending it isn't part of the problem at all. But when your country chooses to elect a man who openly bribes about sexual assault, passively fat shames women like he's doing them a favor, Thank you, Lucinda. And in Everybody Hates Rich news tonight, according to a new study published in the journal Public Understandings of Science, Richard Dawkins is a dad. Great how this all worked out. In fairness to Dawkins, though, the public's understanding of science uh that helped bring back measles and whooping cough for the last 10 years not the journal just the meaning

of that phrase though right and elected mike pence as its vice president and and in fairness to the public understanding of science richard dawkins is a dick so okay i'm not saying that with judgment i also am a a deck. Let's explain. Okay. So this was a survey about sort of what people thought about science, and the survey covered 20,000 scientists. 137 of them brought him up, and 80% of them believe he misrepresents science and scientists. Wow.

Here's the thing, though. Lots of the time you see Dawkins speaking on camera. That's actually Ben Stein or Ray Comfort doing a voiceover. He used to see him, but that's the voice. And look, this is hilarious but it doesn't actually mean anything dawkins is one of the more popular and public controversial scientists and this was a study about how people view science and scientists nobody's going to talk shit about neil degrasse tyson unless they ask me right that said if itunes did a survey of what people like about podcasts and 48 people mentioned that they hated me as a person, I think that was funny too.

Ridicule is not the way to change people's minds. Now you're just going to hate them back. It's not. You should vote for Gary Johnson. I hear he's great. Yeah, he's worth it. So well, those protest votes. Didn't matter.

Didn't really matter in the end. How you feeling? You feel good? You feel good? Did Gary Johnson win? Did he win? No. Great.

Where'd your Jill profile filter go? What happened? What happened to your Jill profile filter? You were going to get 5% and then she was going to get to face the wrong way at the debate. Remember? Huh? What happened? And finally tonight, from the Jesus of Brazareth file,

we have a new statement from the Christian leadership on their policy about watching porn with your spouse. And it came from Pastor John Piper, who's kind of like a low-budget Pat Robertson with an advice column and a podcast, according to Pastor Jay Piper, who's kind of like a low-budget Pat Robertson with an advice column and a podcast. According to Pastor Jay Pipes, who looks like Richard Dawkins became a Keebler elf, it's extremely sinful for a married couple to watch porn together. And the reason, as far as I could tell, it's because Jesus had no problems getting erections

at church without any help from you, Porn. I think that's what he's saying. Second coming joke. Oh, sorry. Sorry. I was a little early on that. It's just that you're so funny.

I'll be ready to go again in a couple minutes. And look, there are plenty of reasons not to watch porn with your spouse. I'll be ready to go again in a couple minutes and look there are plenty of reasons not to watch porn with your spouse if only to present that like oh I was joking of course I'm not into that oh look on your face

no you choose oh stupid pissdrinkers.com I don't want to watch someone cut off Melissa Joan Hart's hand Stupid. Pissedrinkers.com. Crazy. I don't want to watch someone cut off Melissa Joan Hart's hand. I don't own that website. Yeah, so you might be wondering how this pastor ended up making a public statement about Jesus Christ's penis arousal as it relates to the sex life of modern-day married couples. I am not, nor was I. Well, it's a very reasonable thing to be wondering if you were.

Yeah, reasonable people would wonder. And you guys are lying. Well, apparently someone sent Pastor Piper a question to answer on his show, and sadly, despite what you are all definitely thinking right now, it had nothing to do with how many pickled peckers Pastor Piper picked. But it was somewhat related it was the question was is it sinful to watch porn with my spouse before sex and the pastor's answer was basically yes and you should apologize for being a rapist my wife and i fucked to this video, like, look, the apologizing for being a rapist thing is so overrated. You can win in the Rust Belt without that.

Oh, apparently. Sorry, what were we talking about? Guys, no thought a lamp was Donald Trump. I am worried. All right. So is the actual response from Pastor Piper. He started by mentioning Ephesians 5.25, which says, Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church.

From behind? I guess leave her to walk around the Middle East with 12 dudes, something like that. Ironically, porn with 12 Middle Eastern dudes, the only porn me and my wife watch. All right. And then he also added, quote, it's inconceivable that the pleasures Christ has in the church would be awakened and stimulated by his imaging a prostitute to get his juices flowing. His end quote. He said, while clearly thinking about Jesus going from six to midnight.

Well, right. So obviously that word doesn't mean what he thinks it means. All right. So as usual, we found a story in which a member of the clergy very clearly asked us to start listing pornographic movie titles. Am I right? It sounds like it. The more things change, the more they stay the same.

So we've already got those 30 seconds on the clock. Clearly, we're looking for porn to help Jesus get hard before giving a sermon. Go. All right, all right. Well, we know he's into B&D, so how about 50 Shades of Prey, hard beams, guards, screams, and nard creams? I figured you wanted a slogan to go with it. I got a good one. I got a good one. Ready?

Foot washing whores. Come on! That's so good. You're all dead to me. You're all dead to me in your cars just driving around sad. Eli's just promoting his websites this whole episode. Whatever.

How about the little Jew pill? If your resurrection lasts more than four hours, wait another 2,000 years. It'll probably happen any minute. Plus. All right, how about The Semen on the Mound? Bonin' like Onan.

Olive Tree Burners 4? One through three kind of sucked, but four really got it going. That did it for me. Yeah. What about First Porn of all creation? We'll make you see God.

Wait, that's your dad's bad day. My dad can beat off your dad. I don't know. Why do you keep saying your dad's name during sex? That's weird. How about the high res erection? Now let me show you what I meant by snake handling. There's also stuff about swallowing in that passage

nail my hands he's the best Dutch rudders what about thy kingdom come thy will be come with girth as it is in heaven give us this spray our daily head

I don't know something like that I'm going two girls one holy chaps there we go and There we go. And happy scrappy hero. Apparently we've now met our two girls, one cup joke quota. So that means we can close out the headlines for the week. Heath, Eli, thanks for not inhaling carbon

monoxide last night. Electoral college is a fun game. It's not a fun game. And when we come back, we'll get to some long overdue vulgarity, because it's been seconds. Ahmed. Allah, I'm finally here in heaven. Yes, yes.

And as a result, you may help yourself to all that I have promised you. Oh, I knew that suicide bombing would be worth it. Oh, yes, very much so. Here's your couch made of gold. Mm-hmm. And over here is the river made of non-alcoholic wine.

Oh, um, yeah, maybe later I'll have some non-alcoholic wine. Okay, uh, maybe some fruit? We got a-alcoholic. Okay, maybe some fruit? We got a shit ton of fruit. Anything you want. Actually, I was really hoping to, you know, dive into the hoorie. Oh, sure, sure. Totally, here you go.

72 hoorie. These are raisins. Yep, yep. Raisins. Yep. Raisins. Original Arabic. That is not what I was told when I was on Earth. Well, I'm informed that this is the original Arabic,

so there you go. 72 raisins. They're delicious. Try one. Oh, this is such fucking bullshit. You know I was promised 72 virins. They're delicious. Try one. Oh, this is such fucking bullshit. You know I was promised 72 virgins. I blew myself up in the middle of a supermarket for this shit, and I did not do it for mangoes on a couch that, to be quite honest, looks fucking uncomfortable

because it's made out of goddamn gold and raisins. Well, fuck, I don't know what to tell you. They're mistranslated. Well, this is bullshit. Oh, okay, I don't know what to tell you. They're mistranslated. Well, this is bullshit. Okay, well, everyone who died a virgin is in lesser heaven, but you can fuck one of them if you want. Okay, see, this is what I'm talking about. Okay, good, good, good.

This is Steven. Say hi, Steven. Hashtag gamer gay. Nope, going to hell with the hot soup, people. This is Steven. Say hi, Steven. Hashtag Gamergate. Nope. Going to hell with the hot soup, people. Where's the hot soup line? Damn it, Steven. Do you know how many more men kill themselves than women every year? I mean, come on.

What the fuck do you expect? Fuck you, Steven. Seriously, fuck you. Fuck you. You're the worst. Hey, guys. Dude. What did you do?

I was just making everybody dinner. That is very much not what you're presently doing. There's blood everywhere. Yeah, excuse me for trying to use fresh ingredients. What did you... How did you even get... Okay, well, I know how you guys love bacon, and we've been doing ads for Blue Apron, so I figured how hard could it be to get fresh ingredients? I mean, Blue Apron has established partnerships with 150 local farms, fisheries,

and ranchers across the United States. As a result, seafood is sourced sustainably under standards developed in partnership with the Monterey Bay Aquarium Seafood Watch. Their beef, chicken, and pork comes from a responsibly raised animal. And regenerative farming practices are used for produce. So, I figured, how hard could it be to get my buddy some bacon on my own? Dude, why didn't you just order Blue Apron? Oh, you know, they never deliver here. you just order Blue Apron?

Oh, did you know they never deliver here? Actually, they deliver to over 99% of the continental United States. Ha ha ha! What? Who'd have thought? Getting dizzy. Gonna sit down. Well, anyways, since Blue Apron is only $10 a meal, I figured, hey, how expensive can one pig be?

Very. Yeah, 20-20 hindsight. Good for you. So, I steal the pig. Wait, you what? Please tell me you didn't kill a pig in our home. Oh, dude. Nope.

No, no, no. Pigs are very strong. Very fast. This blood is all mine. Uh, Cinda has the pig. Says she's gonna keep him as a pet. Now that I am very likely to die. Okay, I'm going to call Andrew.

Yeah, okay, while he does that, you at home can check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash scathing. You will love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron.

So don't wait. That's blueapron.com slash scathing. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. I'm going to call him Hamlet. Makes sense. Hamlet killed a guy, too. Oh, that's my liver. When we did Vulgarity for Charity last month, we were overwhelmed with the sheer number of our donors to the extent that if we had tried to just do a straight series of episodes, it would have ended up as a literal month plus of both of our shows, us and Cognitive Dissonance, just reading the insults. However, we think we've given you enough of a break to to dive back in so tom and cecil will be taking half of the remaining roasties and we'll

be taking the other now this is about half of what we've got left if that so if you don't hear your insult don't worry uh it'll be on the future show or it'll be on cog diss so you just got to listen to both and just a reminder if you donated because we hit our goal tom cecil and ourselves will be doing a bonus donors only ask me anything episode that will be released sometime next week. If you'd like to ask a question, there's a post to do so on our Facebook page. All right. Heath, Eli, are you ready to get this started? All right.

Eli doesn't know where Soho is. Heath stole a black usher. It was fine to stab a body in a wake. It sounds way worse out of context. If you don't tell the whole story, I look like an idiot. All right. So our first request comes from Kevin, who would like an idiot. Alright, so our first request comes from Kevin, who would like us to roast

his best friend, Sean Heath. Why don't you take this one? Alright, um, Sean looks like somebody should be yelling at him to hurry up and make their goddamn martini without first growing a batch of heirloom fennel leaves as a fucking garnish. You don't need to stop at Whole Foods to put gin and vermouth in a

glass, Sean. God damn it. You look like your ancestors got raped by Vikings, but probably last. Probably last one. Like you guys want to rape one more? Oh, okay. Last one and we're leaving. Last one. All right, Eli, we got a request from Steve to roast his friend Joel.

Have at it. Oh, Joel looks like he's scheming to close some scrappy teen ski center in this picture. Looks like he's going to make the news someday for being saved from a bullet by his hair. All right, and I'll do the next one here. We got a donation from Chris asking us to roast his buddy Finch. And Chris doesn't know why he's called Finch, but we can only assume it's because he's been used in creationist literature as evidence against evolution. And Chris apparently wanted him roasted

because he has a wireless setup for his guitar so he can wander around the venue forcing people to pretend to like his music from close up. And I agree with Chris. That's a dick move, bro. Eli, we got another one for you. Mick would like us to roast his cardiologist friend Paul, who drinks like a lightweight

and is a collingwood magpies fan oh the collingwood magpies man everyone knows they're the worst at the sport they play that's okay i don't need to know the sport because mick sent us a picture and paul looks like if he loosened his tie all the blood that's stuck in his giant jewish looking head would rush back into his body like an actualized version of mr mackie from south park all right now i'll take this next one here we got a donation from george asking us to roast his beloved uncle andy brooks george wrote of his uncle andy quote he's the most intelligent caring thoughtful and generally the

most good man i know he is however like all of my family, very Christian. Can you insult him in a way that encapsulates my love and respect for him while simultaneously ridiculing the belief system he's based his life on so I can play him the clip? So, no. I can't do that. No, I can't do that because first of all, because you sent a picture and he looks like a gay Tony Abbott underwent recreational chemotherapy. And I'd rather talk about that. Plus, the fact that he does good shit doesn't count if he thinks he gets extra hit points in posthumous Wonderland for it. But he seems like a cool guy when he's not waxing his testicles so they match his head, if that helps.

You can play on that last part. I don't know anyway heath we got a donation from liam asking us to roast his best friend richie stone who once tried to pee on liam and owns a pr company a pr kelly it's called well done sir and of course he sent us a picture here as well all right lovely. Lovely. Richie looks like a supervillain whose arch nemesis is dominant gene. Like if this person sees a black person, he starts disappearing like Marnie McFly's picture in Back to the Future. Fantastic. All right. I got a couple of challenges for you.

Eli, we got a donation from Nick and Angelica asking us to roast Tim Cook and John Stumpf respectively, but since they're both CEOs, I want you to do it in the style of a turtleneck-wearing Apple event. Ooh, okay. Morgan, can I get some Apple mystical music? Excellent. Thank you, thank you.

Hi, I'm Tim Cook, and I'm the closest thing we could find to Steve Jobs. I'm like a gay Steve Jobs, the closest thing we could find to Steve Jobs. I'm like a gay Steve Jobs, kinda. But I don't have the imagination. Anyways, I'm just here for this stuff. Anyway, here at Apple, we're dedicated to a brand new world. A world without limits.

And that's why we're introducing the Apple Stump. You've heard of Apple Pay? Well, this is exactly like that, except it flushes your money right down the goddamn toilet all with the sleek smooth design of looking like it's hiding Nazi gold because it probably is the Apple Stumpf no matter what we make

people will buy it Chinese people excellent well worth $700 and waiting in line for six days and while we're on the subject of horrible bosses we got a donation from michael asking us to roast his boss jim and jessica asking us to roast her boss lou but my challenge to you is i want you to roast the both of them while firing them huh all right all right. All right. Got it. Hi, Jim. Lou.

Come on in. Just wanted to get you both up to speed on our new business model. Turns out we need to do a little downsizing. And since you're both managers, we're going to need you to be involved. The new consultants told us that we should eliminate the position entirely of overpaid supervisors with no people skills who look like mediocre golfers with a wife on Ashley Madison. So, yeah. This is awkward for you. Just don't mention anything to yourselves until Friday.

It's best that way. Thanks. Okay, okay. I got a challenge for you, Noah. Seeing as you are the foremost marriage expert on the show. Hey, wait, you're married too now. Yeah, the other day Anna caught me asking a pineapple to open up our relationship. Okay, fair point.

Fair point. Go on. Well, we got a donation from Cheryl asking us to roast her husband, Rick, and a donation from Jennifer asking us to roast her husband, Alex. But my challenge to you is to do it in married speak. I'm sorry, married speak? Oh, okay. So I'll use one of Anna's. Regular speak.

If you don't pick your socks off the bedroom floor, I'm going to turn them into a noose and hang you with them as a warning to future husband. Married speak. Honey, I know you're super busy fighting with people you don't know on Twitter, but when you get a second, can you pick up your socks? You're so great at picking up your socks.

Gotcha. Married for, what, six weeks, and that's already a thing in your lexicon. Anniversaries are plenty for you, sir. Anyway, all right. Hey, Rick, have I mentioned how slimming flannel patterns are on you? I haven't. I know, I know I haven't. I'm just pointing that out that neither I nor anyone else has ever said that. No reason. Just anyway, anyway, I was listening to this podcast the other day.

And did you know you can get razors just like sent to your door periodically? Like brand new ones, German craftsmanship and everything. It's not that I don't love the two-tone neck beard look as much as I did when you were thinner, but just German craftsmanship, you know. Good stuff. And for Alex? Oh, I'm so sorry, Alex. Did I forget about you again like most people do immediately after meeting you? I did.

I totally did. like most people do immediately after meeting you? I did. I totally did. I just figured you were paying so much attention to yourself that there wouldn't be room for me to get in the way and pay attention to you, too. That's phase two of Marriage Speak, by the way, Eli, in case you haven't come across that one. All right.

Well, on that note, and keeping with the theme, looks like it's time for another spikening round. The category is exes. Thanks to Emmy, Melissa, Brian, Sheena, Chris, and Christopher. So I'm going to start off with Emmy's best friend's ex, Tim, who looks like the molestious new kid on the block was killed while turning into the thing. Also, we've got Melissa's ex-husband. Lex Luthor quit his job to work on his scoliosis novel.

Brian's mom's ex-boyfriend uh just because i lost this facebook fight doesn't mean i need to stop commenting sheena's ex-stepmom's vicky uh vicky looks like donald trump got turned into a lady uh same spray tan the uh the pumpkin spice badger right right and according to her profile on craigslist that she has, she doesn't even wait, just grabs him by the dick. I see. All right, how about Chris's brother's ex-wife, Renee? I'll take this one.

She looks like Patton Oswalt underwent gender reassignment surgery, but his heart wasn't really in it. All right, how about Christopher's crazy ex, Eli? Okay, so quick explanation. Christopher sent us the transformational pictures of this person, and it is the craziest thing I have ever seen in photography. Werewolves are freaked out by

Christopher's crazy ex. Oh, God. At least I just turned into a wolf and killed my wife. All right, and Heath, we got a donation from Mackenzie asking us to roast Andy. Well, I actually feel bad for Andy. I'm guessing it's super aggravating to deal with all those disgruntled birds

with slingshots fucking up your house. Wolves always blowing on it and stuff. I'm not doing it. All right, I'll take this next one as well. We got a donation from Ty asking us to roast his brother Matt. And Matt sells hearing aids, I assume because people don't have the heart to tell him they just don't give a fuck about what he's saying. He's just sitting there like, you know, I meet a lot of people who are hard of hearing.

Virtually none of them seems to have a hearing aid. There's a spot in this market for me. And Eli, we also got a donation from Anton asking us to roast his friend. Oh, see, now this one's a challenge because he's not a bad looking dude. Nice salt and pepper beard nice eyes however if we travel down to his teeth you'll notice that anton's friend is apparently 50 cartoon dinosaur the main character in a pixar movie about a caveman who must teach his tribe to pick up 19 year olds all right i got another challenge round here for you people who want us to roast them now i'll go first we got a donation from wilson who has green and yellow hair that he occasionally wears in an

olympic torch so wilson i appreciate the effort but i could have made fun of you anyway you didn't have to go out of your way for us or anything. Setting aside the please look at something other than my face hairdo, you look like Charles Schultz added his vaguely ethnic boy lover to Peanuts towards the end. Just making Schroeder uncomfortable. I want to do one. So we got a donation from Christopher with the sideburns, and Christopher looks like his Beatles cover band is going to take off just as soon as the incident with the ice machine is cleared up christopher mentioned in his letter to us that

his ex left him for a woman and honestly christopher i gotta tell you you're partially responsible for growing two 1970s vaginas on either side of your face on you confused her all right he this next one is for you. Jonathan Spees would like a roast of his physical appearance and also a compliment for the girl in the picture with him. Her name is Lily Go. Okay, okay, I got to combine those two. All right, Jonathan looks like he met Lily when the Make-A-Wish Foundation set him up with his first Nuru massage.

That's a compliment to Lily, just to be clear. Oh, absolutely. If you saw my history, you'd know those are big. That's a pornography deep cut for those who really, really like Asian porn. That's a real deep, deep cut for you. And we also got a donation from DJ asking us to roast him and his friend Mike. So let's take these guys together. And I'm going to start off by saying

they look like two gay truckers decided to go as Tom and Cecil for Halloween. Uncanny. These guys look like they begin every conversation with women with tell them about the time I accidentally cut off your blank. All right.

Mike looks like he voted for Donald Trump because DJ is going to get deported and stop taking her job. Now I'm depressed again. And on that note, we're going to bring this section of vulgarity for charity to a close. Remember, if you didn't hear your insult, there's still plenty from us and Tom and Cecil to get. And if you're a donor, keep an eye on your inbox in the coming weeks for a recording of your AMA. But in the meantime, get on Facebook and ask those questions. And thanks for your patience. Before we all die in a war to defend the honor of our noble leaders to pay, I want to tell you that it was fun being America.

For fuck's sake, what the fuck happened? Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday. And hopefully we won't be morbidly depressed by then, but we probably still will be.

Just warning you, we're going to try to be funny, though. Obviously, it wouldn't be a full-blown show if I didn't thank Heath for not moving to Canada before this week's record. I want to thank Lucinda for not moving to Scotland before this week's record. And I want to thank Eli for eventually conceding that Lemuria wasn't a real place and only later conceding not to move there before the record. I also want to thank the protest voters and the people who stayed at home on election day for irrevocably fucking up the world. Sorry, need to shift gears here. I also want to thank Jason and the voice of a robot from the Skeptic Smash Talk podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. If you'd like to give him a listen, it'll drown out the voices in your head that keep repeating he's actually going to be president. It'll also entertain and educate you

and shit, but I'm just assuming you're prioritizing like I am. Some things are more important than other things. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most vivacious voters. Jeremy, Anthony, Ken, Henrik, Bill, Bronson and Dennis, Charlotte, The Skeptopath, Day Seth, Daniel, Ricardo, Devin, Patrick, Christopher, Totoro, Helen, Carolyn, Blue Eagle 55 and Whitney. Jeremy, Anthony, Ken, Henrik and Bill, whose erections have to be gerrymandered around just to keep them all in single voting districts. Bronson and Dennis, Charlotte, the skeptopath and deseth, whose IQ points would still outnumber presidential electors if we switched to a popular vote. Daniel, Ricardo, Devin, Patrick, and Christopher, whose sexual stamina allows them to come even later than the Wayne County vote count. And Totoro, Helen, Carolyn, Blue Eagle, 55, and Whitney, who are so dreamy the poll forecasters were probably too busy thinking about them to put together a sensible fucking election prediction.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Together, these 20 tawdry, tantalizing, tenacious, titillating, and talented people, neuropathic designations, and Eagle 55s have helped bring the light of a few more dick jokes into an ever darker world this week by giving us money. If you'd like to be as cool and awesome as those people, you can make a per-episode donation at Patreon.com slash SkatingAtheist Whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad free edition Of every episode or you can make a one time donation

By clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage At SkatingAtheist.com And if you'd like to help but you already switched out all your money For the currency of the new country you're moving to You can also help us a ton by leaving us a 5 star review on iTunes Telling a friend about the show and saving us a spot At the refugee camp in Yellowknife or wherever you wind up If you have questions, comments or death threats You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com.

All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly, except for the bit that was written and performed by Morgan, where Eli kind of made sure that you knew that in advance. And yes, I did have our permission. Joining me for headlines tonight are two very, two very people. Sorry. I wrote that. Just adding varies into my thing,

like randomly, but I'm gaslighting. No, what I think he can't spell and spell checking all my stuff. It's like Jim adding the nickels to Dwight's receiver in the office. Frank war. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm LLC.

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