The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 196: Full Pence-etration Edition

Episode Date: November 17, 2016

In this week’s episode, Donald trump announces a brand new skull-shaped White House, he also makes a few other decisions based on skull shape, and Reince Priebus finally gets to be on a list where he’s not the worst person. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Guest Links: If you’d like to check out The Writer’s Beard podcast, click here: http://www.writersbeard.com/ Or you can follow him on Twitter @thewritersbeard Headlines: Uri Geller: ”And you thought the 11 letter name thing was bullshit!” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/11/10/psychic-uri-geller-see-i-told-you-donald-trump-would-win-because-he-has-11-letters-in-his-name/ Ken Ham: Trump won because god is in control, not the media: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/11/12/creationist-ken-ham-donald-trump-won-the-election-because-god-not-the-media-is-in-control/ Michele Bachmann credits Trump victory to her prayers: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/11/12/michele-bachmann-donald-trumps-odds-of-winning-improved-the-moment-our-prayers-went-live-on-tv/ Nigerian prophet TB Joshua deletes Facebook prophecy about Hillary winning: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/11/10/nigerian-prophet-who-said-hillary-clinton-would-win-the-election-deletes-his-prediction/ Pastor Piper tells grieving man that he caused his wife to miscarry by watching porn: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/11/14/christian-pastor-to-grieving-man-your-wife-may-have-miscarried-because-you-watch-too-much-porn/ Bishop launches probe of priest who posed with aborted fetus in pro Trump message: http://religionnews.com/2016/11/09/bishop-launches-probe-of-priest-who-posed-with-fetus-on-the-altar/ Dawkins suggests hiding scientists from idiocy in New Zealand (kind of, but really) http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/11/11/after-brexit-and-trump-richard-dawkins-urges-new-zealand-to-embrace-scientists-eager-to-move/ Christian loonie on TV claims spontaneous baby-prayer happened: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/11/09/pastor-babies-in-our-church-heard-prayers-on-tv-grew-silent-and-raised-their-arms-in-unison/ Ben Carson on short list for Education Secretary: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/11/11/dr-ben-carson-is-on-the-shortlist-to-become-donald-trumps-secretary-of-education/

Warning, the virtually nonstop stream of profanity hasn't abated yet. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Lootcrate.com, BlueApron.com, and by The President-Elect's New Secret Service Detail, or what he's calling the SS Donald. And they're now accepting submissions for his nickname. We were thinking Great White Grope, but other ideas are welcome. Email or tweet anytime. And now, The Scathing Atheist.

This is Brad from the Writer's Beard Podcast. Due to the fact that Noah will occasionally drop references to Ready Player One, or that anyone enjoyed that book after finishing it, is proof enough that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's November 17th. And the only thing worse than angry bigots is happy bigots.

Oh, tell me about it. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli me about it. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Donald Trump announces a brand new skull-shaped White House. He also makes a few other decisions based on skull shape. And Reince Priebus finally gets to be on a list where he's not the worst person. White House. He also makes a few other decisions based on skull shape.

And Reince Priebus finally gets to be on a list where he's not the worst person. But first, the diatribe. See, this is when my job gets tough. You know, the diatribe is usually where I vent rage, and obviously I've got plenty of rage to vent, but I can't just turn this show into me bitching about Donald Trump every week, right? I figure last week he'll forgive me for an atypically non-religious diatribe. I mean, obviously I'm going to bitch about the election this past week, right? And that's what I want to bitch about now. But I also know that the point of this show isn't politics.

I can't just come out here for the next four years and bitch about Donald Trump every week. I mean, not as like a physical limitation. I definitely could do that, but that's not to say that I should. Everybody else had to put their shit together and go to work the next day, and so do I. So I spent most of this past week trying to get myself to be pissed about something

other than Donald Trump for the purposes of this diatribe. And I've got to admit, it wasn't easy. Everything just kept kind of winding back to the fact that my country will now be run by a man whose idea of a synonym is putting very at the beginning of the original word. It didn't matter what the subject was. When I closed my eyes, I saw Donald Trump addressing Congress and asking why nobody had shown him the alien bodies yet. But I soldiered on for you. For you, our dear listeners who have been with me through the best and worst

times of my life, who have been there for us whenever we've needed them, who've answered every call we've ever made. For you, I've managed to set aside my omnipresent outrage at the election of Donald fucking Trump for the remainder of this diatribe

and find something else to bitch about. So here goes. Can you believe that mike fucking pence is going to be the new vice president holy shit let's not forget to spend a little time terrified of that prospect because you don't want donald trump around a nuclear button for the same reason you don't want buster keaton around it but mike pence isn't some bumbling clown that said like all the angry white people stuff on a campaign trail just to get elected. This is a competent politician that as near as we can tell from his public record actually believes this shit. Now, look, obviously, there's a pretty high chance Pence winds up the president.

Yeah, I'm not saying I think Eli's autonomous robotic assassin badgers are actually going to work, but I think we can all agree our new president will probably have a scandal or two. You know, Donald Trump just kind of screams, step down and disgrace, doesn't he? Or more like forced out and disgrace. But one way or the other, I feel like he's going to grab Angela Merkel's pussy or something. And the next thing you know, we're playing hail to the chief for the ghost of Beaver Cleaver but even if nothing like that happens right the vice presidency isn't the joke of an office it used to be especially when you're working under a president that seems completely uninterested in shit like presiding you know I mean there's no theoretical limit to how much he could push off onto his veep and something tells me you don't have to be exactly

a Jedi master to manipulate the mind of Donald J. Trump. You know, Pence could probably get away with shit like, well, I heard Ryan's calling you a little bitch if he needed the upper hand in an internal dispute. So who is this man who is now a heartbeat away from the presidency? Well, the fact that he was willing to take the job of Donald Trump's running mate tells you he's long since shot his own political career in the balls. But you'll most likely remember him as the Indiana governor who got behind the nation's most restrictive anti-gay legislation. And since he joined the Trump ticket, you very likely saw him delivering his impassioned anti-evolution it's just a theory speech in the hallowed halls of Congress. But that's just the tip of the guano mound when it comes to this country's new second in

command. First of all, I don't think we can overstate how profoundly misogynistic this guy is. I mean, he's not Donald Trump, so he does have that going for him. But we're talking about a guy who spent the late 90s railing against the dangers of working mothers and daycare. Not the late 1890s, mind you. These last ones ones the ones we just had he also railed against disney's mulan for its subversive pro-women in the military message and that doesn't even make the top 10 of the most sexist shit he's said about non-penis soldiers by the way hey you probably already knew about his radically anti-abortion views what with him promising to overturn roe versus wade if elected to the vice presidency, more specifically, a type of the vice presidency that allows him to

overturn Supreme Court rulings. But his record shows this isn't some bullshit line to drum up evangelical support or something. This is really who he is. As governor of Indiana, he enacted a law that required funerals for abortion. He made it illegal to abort a fetus because of a disability. And to really make that stick, the same law made doctors legally liable for wrongful death if they performed an abortion that later turned out to be because of disability.

Now, the Supreme Court struck all this shit down, but this may very well be the guy making the next SCOTUS appointments. Hell, his entire administration could be described as a fight against reproductive rights if it wasn't for all the anti-gay shit he tacked on to. And that might be his most prominent legacy. His signature act as Indiana's governor was to protect businesses that wanted to discriminate against gay people. Now, they had to be religious about it. That was important to him.

You couldn't go hating people without an imaginary wizard justifying it. That was important to him. You couldn't go hating people without an imaginary wizard justifying it. But as long as you had that, you could discriminate against whoever the hell you want if he got his fucking way. That was the key to his law, right? Technically, it made it legal for anybody to discriminate against anybody. And that was a price Mike Pence was willing to pay in an effort to protect fag-free dining for him and his family. protect fag-free dining for him and his family. This is a man who advocates conversion therapy, denies global warming, denies evolution, denies that smoking causes cancer, and the only thing standing between him and the Oval Office is a 70-year-old, out-of-shape fat guy whose blood

pressure hits critical levels when somebody sends him a middle finger emoji be very afraid america because at this point four fucking years of donald trump is the best we can hope for they're talking about joining me for headlines tonight are two white guys who were for Trump all along, right? Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to hail the glorious leader? I'm going to wait and see what happens first. I mean, if he gets rid of the white tax, I'm definitely on board. He will get rid of the white tax.

We'll see. I have always worn this much self-tanner for the record. You don't know. It's a podcast. All right. Well, obviously, there the record. You don't know. It's a podcast. Alright, well, obviously there's still a lot to talk about, but before we dig in, we're going to take a few minutes to tell you about this week's first sponsor, Loot Crate.

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worst humans took to the airwaves, radio waves, and series of tube waves to express their delight. And we figured we could open up the headlines this week by highlighting a few of our favorites. Yes. Okay, so first up to gloat was evil magician and Uri Geller Halloween mask lookalike Uri Geller, who, if you'll remember, this year predicted Donald Trump would win because his name has 11 letters and 11 is a powerful number. Powerful. Yeah. Yeah.

We've had a bunch of 11 letter presidents before um plus one one is binary code for three so you got jfk lbj fdr a bunch of them that geller never even thought of yeah you're good at this you should start a facebook page you should you should embarrass yourself on johnny carson and with a magic trick with a slightly lower than 50 50 chance going for him what else could he do except go on facebook and claim that this wasn't just a slightly lower than 50 50 chance saying quote there is more into this world than meets the eye it really is possible that human beings can just know something is going to happen. Yeah.

More than meets the eye. Transformers. Optimus Prime. Eleven is a prime number. He's not just making shit up. That's bad. That's real. All right.

Next up, we got some words of wisdom from the Amish Wolverine himself, Ken Ham. got some words of wisdom from the amish wolverine himself ken ham according to the least successful theme park owner in america the trump victory is clear evidence that the god of the bible created the universe 6 000 years ago apparently i mean sure because he killed everyone then too i get into this kind of shit make boats legs around the boats? Plagues around the land, yeah. Yeah, so that's why he posted the following on his Facebook page the day after the election. Quote, what happened? How could polls be so wrong? Answer, God, not the media, is in control, end quote.

And then he cited Romans 13.1, which which says the authorities that exist are appointed by god which is interesting because during the primaries last year ken ham said quote donald trump does not promote the christian worldview end quote so i guess you'd call this a post hoc victory lap yeah yeah now he's a cubs fan all of a sudden fuck you absolutely not well seeing as ohio went for trump i'm also now a cubs fan and an earthquake fan anything that hurts people in ohio it's fine that's where the cubs are from and of course also dictating a thank you note to jesus was one michelle bachman who you may remember as the person staring off into space like she's not really sure who you are or what you are, but no, she doesn't want to look at you.

That's a lot of women. I'm going to need you to be more specific. No, I'm sorry. The one that's always threatening Madge and your little dog to that one. Yeah, yeah. Right. Oh, Heath Enright. Got it.

No, no, no. This one is the one that was the four term congresswomanwoman from Minnesota's 4th District where she made a name for herself warning that gay people are trying to legalize pedophilia, Obama is an Islamic jihadist, and the end times are just around the corner, thus all the tornadoes and hurricanes and whatnot. Oh, that Michelle

Bachman. But to be fair, those are now just the mainstream ideas of the president-elect's cabinet. I don't really understand. Yeah, no, the core campaign platform statement yeah exactly yep anyway so security buckman not only celebrated trump's victory this week but also took a bit of credit for it as she pointed out after the fact the precise moment when one poll tracking website switched their odds to favor trump coincided within five minutes of exactly with the moment that her and illiterate version of dan carlin if he was molested by nuns constantly as a child

david barton went live on a christian tv network and since we can all agree that if the new york times had switched their prediction at any other time bachman would have admitted that jesus doesn't love her and there is no god i think it's only fair that we take this as proof of the power of prayer, specifically the power of Michelle Bachman's prayer. But still, guys, guys, what if Michelle Bachman does have the power of prayer? It would explain so much. Everything except the stare, actually. Yeah.

And in TB determined news tonight not all christians were so optimistic last week nigerian prophet a phrase that should be as chilling to our audience as affordable surgeon tb joshua took to facebook to make his prediction he said quote 10 days ago i saw the new president of america with a narrow win the new president will be facing several challenges over many issues. Okay, so far, so good. I mean, I feel like handful of challenges would have been more accurate. But yeah, that's pretty good. It just depends on the size of the hands.

Including passing bills, attempts to possibly pass a vote of no confidence on the new president. Whatever that is, I'm in. I don't know what that is. Is that a thing? i want to do it i'm not here oh okay the boat of the new president will be rocked uh pretty sure that was a cop car but okay okay sorry getting distracted again by the way in order not to keep you in suspense liking the colombo moment here sorry again back back to the quote actually quote I frankly saw is a woman, end quote. And the president had her by the pussy. Now, wait, wait. To be fair, that all seems

pretty realistic, and I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, especially if he had just had a vision of the president-elect's micropenis. Easy mistake. Hillary could have a dominant clitoris. Very likely. Or, though, he was just seeing Liz Warren in 2020. I'll literally convert to Christianity and give TB Joshua a rusty trombone right now, if he can guarantee that for me. Stop offering people rusty trombones for Liz Warren 2020, Heath.

You said you could make it happen. Okay, so TB Joshua has since taken down the Facebook post, inspiring pollsters all over the world to wish they could do the same. Yeah, right. Nate Silver destroying servers with a hammer as we speak and focusing on the amount of letters and names because why the fuck not? Right. As we speak and focusing on the amount of letters and names, because why the fuck not? Right. And in fetus of strength news tonight,

we have two stories about anti-choice Christian assholes saying and doing horrible things as part of their ongoing crusade to eventually outlaw menstruation. So who would you like to talk about first? The podcasting pastor who told a grieving man that he caused his wife's miscarriage by watching porn or the new york priest released a video on election eve during which he asked voters to elect donald trump while posing with an aborted fetus sounds like a more appropriate starting point well i don't like either option so i think i'm

not gonna choose and let a nazi take over is that what we're supposed to do this year i mean look i also posed with an aborted fetus on this election eve but that was for our christmas card so go with the podcaster go with a podcast all Great choice. The casting couch miscarriage. Perfect. Okay, okay, okay. But before you get into this, I just want to say preemptively, I asked you not to tell anybody. You're taking it out of context. I didn't know he was grieving until afterwards, and also he shouldn't have spent so much time picking off scratch-off tickets like he was buying a goddamn horse.

Doesn't matter. They all lose, you fucking idiot. Plus, plus, your porn addiction caused your wife's miscarriage, you lottery-playing fuck. It's more of a figure of speech than an accusation, so to speak. I just don't think that's fair. Actually, this one comes to us from Pastor John Piper. Oh, I was kidding then, just now. As a podcast. He was kidding.

Didn't tell anybody about it. Never. You may remember Pastor Piper from last week when we talked about his claim that watching porn with your spouse before sex is a sin. And apparently that's because Jesus could get hard before a sermon without any visual aids.

Like a towel rack he was. Well, Piper stuck with the porn theme this week, thanks to another related question from one of his listeners. I mean, when you strike gold. Right. So this time the question came from a man whose wife had just miscarried a child who asked if it was his fault for watching too much porn.

And the pastor's answer was not no. His answer was maybe. Maybe. According to Piper, God sometimes likes to murder fetuses because it causes, quote, a new humility and a new submission and a new faith and new purity through the pain of loss. End quote. Wow. Wait, wait, wait.

That seems like kind of a double standard on our part because like we murder like 23 million babies and God murders one as revenge and all of a sudden he's the bad guy. I don't get it. You know, if you print that up on a bumper sticker, it'll wind up on Air Force Two. See, I'm on your side, guys. They're coming for the press eventually. I'm just laying the groundwork. All right, so that was lovely from Pastor Piper.

And that leaves us with the New York priest and his pro-Trump video that included an aborted fetus as a featured player. an aborted fetus as a featured player so this one's about reverend frank pavone head of the staten island based group called priests for life and apparently he thought it would be appropriate to obtain an aborted fetus to somehow uh bring it to his church and proceed to deliver a 44 minute political rant while posed in front of the altar with what i'm assuming was a small bloody corpse because an actual aborted fetus is generally about the size of a peanut and looks nothing like a person people just been like what what what do you got there is that a scab so uh the doll they used for Voldemort in Harry Potter 7. Yeah. Well, sadly, or maybe happily is the right word,

I couldn't find the video, but I'm guessing he either held the thing like a baby or fastened it to a crucifix, something like that. Oh, yeah, for dramatic effect. I get it. Seriously, though, where did he get this fetus? I'm asking for a friend who needs to stay forever young. All right, so either way, I can't help but imagine this guy getting caught in a traffic stop at some point by the NYPD as he's on the way to the church with a dead baby in

a child seat. Step out of the car, sir. I brought this with me today to make a point. And to drive in the HOV lane. They argue about when life begins. You could drive halfway in the HOV lane. Halfway. I mean, to be honest, this guy thinks anybody with a functional ball sack gets to drive in the HOV lane. Well, that's true.

Yeah, exactly. And in Dawkin responsibility news tonight. I'm sorry. That's a terrible one. I apologize. Oh, no, I like it. We all need it. There's a lot to do this week.

Anyway, so Richard Dawkins is basically suggesting we all throw in on a volcano layer. See, Richard, this is why everyone hates you even when no one asks, buddy. You've got to stop suggesting volcano layers. Look, but I don't think we should dismiss this out of hand. So, okay, just to put this in context, Dawkins penned a recent op-ed for Scientific American where he urged the nation of New Zealand to open up their borders to American and British scientists scared fuckless of the idiocy of their respective electorates. Dawkins writes, and I quote, there are top scientists in America and Britain desperate to escape the redneck bigotry of their home countries, end quote. bigotry of their home countries end quote and then points out to new zealand that an awful lot of nobel laureates and field medalists would really like a new home country and all of them saw that three-part cinematic tourist brochure with the hobbits and shit and loved it ate it up not to

mention i could prepare them to have a flawless accent ahead of time so they'll blend right in well there you go yeah but just remember you can't fly there because of the pending licking charges. You're like the George Pell of going to New Zealand. Plus, you have a cough anyway, right? Yeah. Don't you have a cough? Can't fly like that. See?

It's probably worth pointing out that if New Zealand wanted to open up its borders to refugees, there are probably a couple of far more humanitarian ways of doing that. You know, something tells me family that would like to not have bombs falling through their roofs outweighs well-to-do person concerned about their funding in terms of ethical necessity but it does bring up interesting questions about the result of having a climate change denying conspiracy theorist in charge of the country that spends the most money on science like how far do we just set back humanity all together well i feel

like our scientists are just gonna have to start tricking trump like that show with john ritter like this no this isn't a solar panel did this bathroom tile turn out silver again we'll keep working on it thanks so much for visiting the plant okay well stop fucking around I told you I want stuff turned into gold gold not paying for nerd stuff if it doesn't work oh shit and I also think we should at least give some credence while we're discussing this story to the question of

super villainry that I opened up with because I kind of like Richard but if there's one guy in the atheist community that I have to deem like most likely to turn out to have been a cartoon supervillain the whole time, he's obviously the guy. I think we can all agree. Andy Wilson is a close second,

but Dawkins is still leading the pack. To be fair, though, if Andy wanted to blow up the moon, he could have by now. He managed to run a panel with Tom and Cecil. Let's just give credit where credit's due. Didn't even go over time. So, Richard, if you're listening, and this was all the opening of a ploy

to lure the world's best scientist to your secret lair to help you with some kind of super weapon to destroy humanity, I want you to know I'm good henchman material. I look good in a unitard. I'm familiar with a number of evil salutes, and I'm willing to learn more if you have a new one, if you have a novel one,

and also, terrible aim. So, I'll email you. And and I'm willing to learn more if you have a new one, if you have a novel one, and also terrible aim. So I'll email you. And while I'm doing that, we'll take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. A religious slut, right? Cooking can be fun.

Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. Ladies, we fucked up. Okay, well, white ladies. In a week that hasn't ceased to shock me, there's one shocking result that keeps echoing through my mind above all others. More than Steve birth control makes women attractive and crazy banning getting a key advisory role in the administration. crazy Bannon getting a key advisory role in the administration. More than Mike, what if women go get raped on purpose to get days off work pence,

being the actual goddamn vice president-elect. And that result is a number, 53%. 53% of white women who voted in this election thought bragging about sexual assault was not a disqualifying action to be president. bragging about sexual assault was not a disqualifying action to be president. 53% of white women felt that a man who, earlier this year, tried to enforce mandatory funerals for abortions was fit to be vice president. I mean, fuck, 42% of all women voted for him. 26% of Latinas voted for him.

That's more than one out of four women that thought emails and WikiLeaks mattered more than a man who is on record saying they are unqualified for certain jobs due to their race. And that brings me to the we've all learned something here today moment. And if you ask me, the big takeaway from this election is that we need a shit ton more feminism, not less. Right now, there are voices, even within our own movement, that want more than anything to shut us up. See, they cry. This is what happens when you complain so much. We menfolk get pissed off and elect Donald Trump. Remember how much better for women it was before feminism? We were so much nicer then. Don't you read the news? Look how we're all treating women just because they got elected. Don't you like this better? Hasn't America truly become

great again? And look, this doesn't bear out numerically. It doesn't bear out logically. It's just, well, if the only tool in your toolbox is misogyny, everything starts to look like a female. But that 53% haunts me. And I'll tell you why. To me, it's a message that 53% of white women in this country, 42% of all women in this country need to learn that they deserve better. And if you were one of them, if you didn't vote because you couldn't be bothered, or if you voted third party, and yes, even if you voted for Trump, I want you to know you deserve better than what's coming. And when it does, I'll be here to tell you about it. And on that note, I'll turn things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in, I guess some people are born racist news tonight,

TV Christian and man who looks like Anthony Weiner's long-lost Jewish father, George Pearsons, has a key demographic that Nate Silver overlooked instead of fucking an abacus or whatever it is he did. Namely, babies. Babies, huh? Hey, Nate, what are you doing with those beads? Pulling stuff. My abacus broke i'm fixing it with string leave me alone but by the way while we're on that subject i feel like teachers should tell kids that that's not how you use an abacus in advance doesn't help all that much to tell one after the fact. I just want to throw it out there.

I think we're all ready to leave that scathing atheist school tour behind us. Anyways, last week during a live election night broadcast, Pearson's claims that when they broadcast the prayer from the previous evening into the nursery, quote, the kids were crying, the kids were crying, the babies were crying, and when they started praying on the screen, I'm telling you the truth,

I would not lie, these babies were lifting up their hands, end quote. To which his wife added, it got quiet and their little hands went up. That has never happened before. It has to be God, end quote. Meanwhile, that one baby who started the waves in hope of turning back on the Seattle game

is fucking paid. Yeah, right? Oh, come on. I got LaVon Marshall this week. Name a team from Seattle. Name one team from Seattle. Any sport. Sean Stincarsmith.

Daquan Shinsmith. Kyle Cranstantle. He's a kid. daquan shinsmith kyle cram sanador he's on the ohio cubs he's on the ohio cubs you're getting this all wrong yeah you're okay i must have been color notebook and finally tonight from the appoint break, thanks to undereducated racist people in Florida, Ohio, and Pennsylvania, whose vote counts more than mine, President-elect Copperhead will now be choosing a group of ignorant Christian lunatics to be in charge of key government positions. Oh, boy. It's like watching Lex Luthor organize the Legion of Doom. If he was stupid. If he wasn't a super genius.

Yep. Yeah. And we got the first wave of possible cabinet appointees this week. So now we get to watch in horror as Donald Trump chooses high-level administrators from the list of people who walk into a bar during the premise of a Rachel Maddow joke. Yeah. Yeah. Wonderful. Multiple names on his short list literally have their own section on right wing watch. So there's a few examples of people on the short list for Trump's cabinet.

As the new White House chief of staff, he's already selected Prince Priebus. White House chief of staff, he's already selected Rince Priebus. That's the guy who helped Paul Ryan and Scott Walker get into politics in Wisconsin. And looks like Mr. Bean goes to Washington. Yeah, if only he talked that little. And, by the way, the number of times he's organized trips for congressmen paid for by the American Family Association to the Holy Land is more than none. Just a frighteningly high number for a white house chief of staff joke about murdering him joke joke about murdering him joke don't do that joke so for secretary of state among others he's considering

newt gingrich the only house speaker in American history to ever be disciplined by the Ethics Committee. Yep. And who looks like Dwight Schrute chose poorly. Nonetheless, he still might become assistant to the regional manager. Lovely. Also, fun fact about him. He wants to bring back HUAC, the House of Un-American Activities. Yeah.

Like, remember the, like, have you no shame? Well, no is apparently how that ends now. McCarthyism. McCarthyism was when America was great again before. So, perfect. All right. Who else do we have? For Secretary of Health and Human Services, Mike Huckabee's on the list.

Health, human, health. Health services. Yeah, he's doing great. For Secretary of Homeland Security, Trump's looking at professional racist cop Joe Arpaio. On the list. That's for real, who just got voted out for being a horrible racist. Hopefully that's why. Yep.

For Interior Secretary, he's looking at Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin! I guess she got an Audible account to study up on all the tapes, so now she's ready or whatever. And just for the record, she's one of the four total women on any list. Yeah, right. Remember when the Republicans had them by the binder full? Those were the days, the good old days,

when people like Mitt romney were the people we were afraid would become president mitt romney the feminist yep yeah exactly and mad we were about him remember how we were like fucking mitt romney fucking heath will give you a rusty trombone for mitt romney to be president right now right Right. And finally, despite the extremely competitive nature of this group, possibly the craziest candidate for a cabinet position was

potential Secretary of Education Ben Carson, who thinks evolution is a hoax and thinks we can fund the entire U.S. government with the tax on bumper crops or something like that which i'm assuming he was planning to store in the great pyramids um fortunately he just declined the position so that's not actually gonna happen well you know

they rejected his uh proposal that all the children just share one pencil so you know that was gonna be be savings aplenty. Well, I hear Eamon Bundy might be available. I don't know. And speaking of which, it looks like the Donald could really use some help

choosing his cabinet. Oh, yeah. And apparently, there's literally nobody we could suggest that would make this any worse. So, let's go ahead and put those 30 seconds

on the clock. Ideas for Trump appointees who would fit well with his current list. Go. I was going to make a joke about Chris Christie heading up the Department of Transportation, but then I remembered that he's actually on the short list for AG. So I'm going to go cry into my bong for a minute. Eli, you go. The first ever Attorney's General one guy.

I was going gonna go with ivanka trump for first lady but i feel like we're talking um okay easy one carly fiorina head of child services because she killed her daughter she murdered her child all right uh i was thinking maybe fda commissioner martin shkreli. Good, sure. Too much AIDS being cured. I feel like if Judge Judy doesn't wind up on the Supreme Court, I'll eat his shoe. If she's not at least floated and then

tells him to go fuck himself. Ooh, I was going to go with Judge Fudge. Judge Dredd. Maybe Judge Dredd. Yeah! How about for Surgeon General, maybe Andrew Wakefield? I mean, we need a medical outsider. I mean, I know you're making a joke and we're all supposed to laugh at everything, but that's literally the equivalent of electing Donald Trump the president!

Remember when this would have been a fun thing for us to do in an earlier 30 seconds? Like, Donald Trump for president. Ha ha. Now you go, Heath. Something else silly. He is allowed to call himself a president now legally, so that is a little different than Wakefield. Secretary of Defense Yosemite Sam? Maybe.

Why the fuck not? All right, I got one. How about head of NASA and secretary of agriculture, one guy, the astronaut farmer. Consolidate this bloated government. Mr. President, that's a movie character. Consolidate. So was I. And when we update our betting board over how many times in the cabinet selection Trump will have to be told someone is fictional, we'll close out the headlines for the night.

Heath, Eli, thanks as always. I can't say that. That's illegal. Stop writing illegal things for me to say. And when we come back, we promise we'll talk about something other than our impending national collapse. Something wacky. Something fun. Something legal to say on the air.

I think if this week's racist uncles who were talking about armed revolution last week have taught us anything this week, it's that we all need to unite and come together. And it's in that spirit that this week's Blue Apron ad, it will include our special guest, Ben Carson. That's right. Hey, Ben, how are you? I'm fantastic, Anderson. Thank you so much for inviting me. Great, great. You can sit down, Dr. Carson. Just take a seat. Au contraire, not without my fainting couch, I'm afraid. Okay, great.

So, Ben, you just turned down the position of Secretary of Education in Trump's cabinet. I have to admit, that's surprising. Is it? Well, yeah. In The Independent, you said, and I'm quoting your business manager here, Dr. Carson feels he has no government experience and he's never run a federal agency. The last thing he would want to do was take a position that could cripple the presidency. So, I mean, I agree, but you ran for the role of president.

You were the top. Remember? Let me explain. I am currently having a brief moment of lucidity. Close friends and family have called me unrecognizable over the last couple of years. I should not be in government. I should not be anywhere but getting the help I so desperately need. Oh.

Wow, I guess that's good. I'm sorry, gentlemen. I must have nodded off. You said something about Blue Aprons? Is it time for a fashion show for the Colonel? Dude, just do the ad. It feels bad now. I know, I know.

But come on. They paid us. Come on. Okay, okay, okay. Well, as our I know, I know, but come on. They paid us. Okay, okay, okay. Well, as our listeners know, Blue Apron is a food delivery service that sends fresh pre-portioned ingredients right to your door so you can love

the way it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron. And we thought it might be fun for you to give one of this week's menu choices a try. Beet and ricotta grilled cheese. These were really, really fantastic. I had them myself this week.

Sounds Santa Flores-ish. Not a word, Ben. Yeah, just moving past that. Anyway, why don't you give it a try? Chop up those beets first. I was a surgeon, you know. Yeah, yeah, I know. A good one, I hear.

Yes, yes. Now, have these beats been prepped for surgery? Wash them? Bathe them? Have them signed the proper forms? You know what? Never mind, Ben. Just move over to the corner.

We'll have Eli do it. Where is Eli? That's me. I'm pretending to be Ben Carson right now. Ooh, meta. The world is insane. I'm just joining in. Carson right now. Ooh, meta. The world is insane. I'm just joining in. You were already there.

Okay, well, look, let's just try to put the ricotta on the bread here. Ooh, I'm afraid this cheese is going terribly wrong. It's supposed to be yellow and square, you see, covered in plastic. You must always eat your plastic, my mother used to say, or she would beat us. Beat us until we thought we were Van Coggen again. You know what? I really don't think this is the best idea. But check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping

by going to blueapron.com slash scathing. That's blueapron.com slash scathing. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. Did they make toast? I smell toast. In an age where Donald Trump is president and the entire world seems to have gone fucking crazy, it can be comforting to remember that no matter how crazy things are, they're never as crazy as the educational videos that Jehovah's Witnesses make for their kids. So in an attempt to remind you that it could always be worse, unless you're a Jehovah's Witnesses kid, we dug up a little treat for you this week in the form of a couple of

God-awful minis. And to show you we're nothing if not consistent, Heath, tell us, what will we be breaking down today? Okay, well today we have a god-awful mini double feature. First, we watched Lesson 2, Obey Jehovah, which is the story of a little kid who learns a valuable lesson about how the warlock who magically created the universe really hates magic. Yep. And then we watched Lesson 4, Stealing is Bad, which is about the Spanish man in your head who reminds you that stealing is bad. Pretty much the whole thing.

And Eli, how bad were these minis? Well, if you love Pixar and they're all going to laugh at you, you will love this mini. This is something a serial killer draws to explain how it all began. No shit. All right, so let's start off with lesson two here. We open it with the blue sky and it wears

lesson two, Obey Jehovah, and then we're going to hop our way into this insanity along with a cute little kid coming home from school, playing with a new toy, new little Gandalf doll or something. Yeah. He's a warrior wizard. Sparlock.

Yeah. Right. And Sparlock looks like John Ratzenberger got turned into the Monopoly guy. Almost exactly. Really? And this is, to be fair fair this is also at least a little bit homophobic in this video too he's very clearly sparlock he's supposed to be dressed like a sodomite i'm quite certain like like like gay megaman dumbledore and tinky winky kind of all

at the same time if i was describing him i have had that fantasy yeah i have i'm sorry what were we talking about no and the little kid is going he's doing the like little kid plan thing. He's going like, Sparlock, activate your magic. And it's just supposed to be that word magic lingering in the air, making us go, wait, magic? This kid. Because the mom is like, hey, hey, hey, hey, slow down. What do you got there?

Like she reacts like he's got a wet dildo. Like he's like, silly worm. That's how her performance, this animated character's performance played. And he's like, yeah, I got a magic toy. I'm a child who doesn't understand this is about to be a thing yet

because I don't know the invisible rules in your book. And she's like, well, why don't you sit down and have a snack while I get crazy? And the voice actor here, I swear, I had this playing along with a sex game but not very enthusiastically

attitude towards this voice that she's like, oh, this is some ridiculous shit. I feel like this was not a Jehovah's Witness. This was just some voice actress they hired. And she's like, oh, my God, this is the worst thing I've ever said for 25 bucks. Anyway. I hated mom's voice.

She's the worst, especially when she said Jehovah like that. I hated it. And she said, like, the whole thing. She sounds like that elementary school teacher explaining something really obvious and acting like you don't get it when you clearly get it. It was like, and now you carry the three. Yes, I fucking know what to add. You've been explaining this for weeks. Now carry the three.

What the fuck? This is every woman that's ever explained to me I'm making a scene. A lot of women, to be fair. All rolled into one and the first thing she introduces is she's like caleb is this toy magical and i wanted so bad crazy billionaire remake of this he's just like no mom it's a toy do you think it's magical it's just pretend do you think it's not pretend what's going on does that make you fucking crazy mom yeah she says who likes magic satan or jehovah yes yes and i just wanted to be like uh that's a false dichotomy well actually

it's even worse that's a fantasy dichotomy you stupid muggle jesus well to be fair mom we haven't read satan's book satan might hate the fuck out of magic too well and the scariest fucking thing about this entire video is that they quit the kid just goes satan you know not that's an insane person question mom just yes i do know the answer to that question because this is a horrible world and people like us elected donald trump that is by far the most depressing part of this little adventure of ours here well so far we're only a minute and 26 seconds in yeah i wrote in my notes here this animator really managed to capture an abused child's reaction to getting in trouble for rules he doesn't understand good job yeah right so this

is where she opens up her little book that i'm sure you can buy from a thing that they uh also sell where she's like who are these people and the kid says that's adam and eve and i pictured it here in their early 900s yeah adam and eve are not looking good here they they look like dying socrates in The Death of Socrates, The Hemlock and Mother Teresa. That's what they look like. Look like the cover of a Clan of the Cave Bear themed Giga Gilf porn. I'm going to need that back

by the way. It's been a rough week. I need to let out some stress. Yeah, no, I got you. I got you. I'm almost done with it. They look like a Guns and Roses show now. Oh, that's so real. So now we get the like, they made

God very sad, and this is fucking terrifying. This whole section here is like a child actor on SVU doing the like, we can't say rape on TBS thing. Like, God got very sad with them and when you disobey Jehovah he gets very sad and when God gets sad he touches you on the no-no button it's just fucking horrifying now to be fair when I get sad I do curse infinite humans

to painful childbirth and predestined hell for eternity. But I can't actually do I just curse them to that. I can't actually do it. But I mean, if I could, I would. I've seen him do it. I saw him go through airport security and those were his exact words right when he got on the other side. Childbirth. My words were way worse than that.

Childbirth. Where's the bathroom? Childbirth. childbirth where's the bathroom childbirth and then we get this like everything turns dark scene where a snake shows up to tempt him with the sparlock toy so stupid satan is literally tempting a child to become evil with like the toy from a happy meal yes come to the dark side here's a upc from a cereal box if you collect 999 more you can get a pencil case a magical evil pencil what the fuck oh he's working less and less hard as he goes he's like trump's president now i don't really have to work at this anymore guys so yeah harry potter toys are the cursed apples of their day according to this video so they go to the like the kids gonna like

ceremonially throw it away a la goldfish funeral scene yeah he's throwing his toy in the garbage it's like kirk cameron throwing out a computer that he thinks is like physically full of porn inside i really wanted mom to make him beat the shit out of the toy like the copier in office space yeah right right now let's chop his head off let's let's strap a firecracker to it son or someone else will get it burn it as god intended seems to me like you're suffering Sparlock to live. And she basically goes, oh, Jehovah is very happy. Jehovah

loves you for obeying him. What a terrifying fucking sentence. Can you imagine? I walked out right now into my living room and I was like, darling, I love you for obeying me. You'd all get to hear live as I coughed my balls out of my mouth. And look, that is not how love works.

Like sending that message to children, the message that this thing sends, which is like love is a thing that is contingent on obedience. That's a terrifying message, but it's all set to the sounds and animations of Wii Sports Resort, so it's really hard to decide how to feel about this. Right, because she immediately goes, hey, you know what I want to do? I want to go

pretend that I didn't just abuse you. And he's like, me too. I want normalcy. I crave normalcy. Doot, doot, doot, doot, doot. And now that we've learned the all-important lesson about placating the magical genocidal space wizard with our doll selection we can move on to a lesson from the j-dubs uh that they consider at least to be two spaces less important than that last one and that would be lesson four stealing is bad now this video is going to start us off in a supermarket where we meet uh stoned nine-year-old caleb once again wearing a calvin shirt this time and he's

bored looks like he could use a deadly dose of niacin i'm just saying yes i know i know different cult but they all sort of blend together. So yeah, so mom calls him over and he passes a display of lollipops upon which he ejaculates. Yeah, but not exactly lollipops like you're probably picturing because apparently these people haven't seen a lollipop since 1930.

Like, what year do they think it is? I feel like Al Jolson in Blackface is going to tap dance their bags to the car. What the fuck's happening? I'm sure we'll come across the J-Dub video where that happens. Let's not rule that possibility out. But yeah, he lusts over the lollipops and he grabs a double armful. And then his mom says, we hear mom mom off screen who's probably about to hang herself

because she finally saw the video she did the first time say no candy caleb and i wrote in my notes are they not allowed candy i know they don't get birthdays i literally don't know what crazy things j-dubs are and aren't allowed to have well at the very least caleb's not allowed to have any candy today but as he's setting all of the lollipops down he holds one back and has a dastardly thought and i'm thinking to myself this is a ridiculously difficult shoplift to pull off i mean the size of this lollipop think gum candy bars that kind of shit caleb cigarettes much easier because of the way this is animated, it looks like Caleb is genuinely considering shoving that lollipop up his ass. He puts it back, and it wants to be in the back pocket.

But very much, I've had that moment, and yes, I'm not allowed to go to ShopRite anymore. But that's not the point here. What we're talking about, what happens in the movie. Yeah. Caleb's literally planning to keister a lollipop it's the size of a ping pong paddle right it's the crazy old like go with a blow pop dude that's delightful this is ridiculous it's about luckily right before he anally penetrates himself with the uh with a lollipop the hispanic man in head speaks up, asking if he really wants to do this.

Yeah. Apparently, Jehovah is the Dos Equis guy. And that's what he talks to. Is that you, Cheech Marin? Yeah. I don't always threaten children, but when I do, I prefer J-Dubs kids about to sodomize themselves with lollipops. That's not the first time Heath has said that on this show. All right, I'm recycling lines, whatever.

And I love to, okay, so here's the formulation of the question. When the Dos Equis guy shows up in his head, he goes, if you steal, will you be Jehovah's friend? And I'm like, what's with this friend shit? Like, you're going to show up at God's house for the game. He's going to be in there turning the lights off with all the angels and shit. Just wait, just wait. He'll go, like, yeah, you awkwardly run into him.

Oh, I thought you said you weren't going to the beach today, God. Yeah, I am. Oh, Karen. I'm the present. So, yeah. But luckily, Caleb makes the right choice. And so he doesn't steal the lollipop. I know you guys were in suspense there.

I wanted to like build it up for you a little more. But no, Caleb does not rape himself with the, it's not rape when you do it to yourself. Caleb does not. You can be, I guess. Never mind. This is dark, dark, dark territory we're going. It's been a weird week here at the show. But I just want to point out that

at the end of this video, this kid does not know why it's wrong to steal lollipops. He doesn't have an innate understanding of what's wrong with theft. He just thinks a wizard is going to torture him later if he does. And that's what this is. That's like what they're going for.

Absolutely. This is not why stealing is wrong. This is the voice you heard coming out of your lamp disapproves. And by this short's own logic, if the voice coming out of the lamp was like, kill your sister, Caleb, kill your sister. And remember, live dangerously. I'd be like, OK, yeah, sure. Why not? that's the rules

alright well rather than burn our thumbs in the molten iron quarry of the earth by trying to point them far enough down to express our dissatisfaction with this clip I'm simply going to ask you this if these were lessons two and four what was the connective tissue here?

What the fuck was lesson three? Ooh, I'm going to go with learning about animals in which mom drowns a box of kids kittens for being disobedient while dad watches. Strokes himself. All right. Lesson three. Lesson three. There was nothing behind your ear Satan had the coin in his hand the whole time

I have no idea and with that we'll bring God awful minis to a close but for those cross podcast traditionalists among you we'll leave you with the breakfast club close clothes. Jehovah's Witnesses not really allowed to sing songs. Jehovah started taking Prozac when J.K. Rowling got about $850 million for her soul. Sparlock went on to inspire the other toys of the dump with his satanic promises of vengeance. Eli's Rule 34 Tumblr of the mom in these videos still only has one subscriber. It's me. I'm the

subscriber. Oh, thank you. Before we fade to black this week, I wanted to let everybody know that we did have a new episode of the Skeptic Rat out this week. If you missed that, you might want to double-check your feed. We also switched hosts since the last episode, so on the off chance that you didn't see the new episode come up,

you might have to unsubscribe and resubscribe. Turns out we had a lot of bitching to do this week. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday morning. Help you steal your nerves for all the religious family you're going to have to deal with.

And if even that's too long to wait, be sure to subscribe to us on YouTube for bonus nuggets of scatheism throughout the week. Obviously, the show would ring hollow and incomplete if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for finding the funny in even this. I need to thank Lucinda Lusions for not ripping the dick off of anything. And I need to thank Eli for volunteering in case she decided to. It's kind of his thing, apparently. It's probably a Jewish thing. I don't know. I also want to thank Brad from the Writer's Beard podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. If you want to give him a listen, you'll find a link on the show notes for this episode. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's best people. Shane, Eric, James, Randy, Roger, Theo, Brian, Stephen, Zachary, Tom, Callie, Janet,

I Spy, Dennis, Atheist, Bug, Matthew, Theon, Eric, Mark and Mary, Monty, The Funk Monkey, Richard, Patrick, Matt, Other, Stephen, Jason, Richard, Greg and Nate. Shane, Eric, James, Randy, Roger, Theo and Brian, whose erections ruined a lot of people's Supermoon viewing plans this week. Stephen, Zachary, Tom, Callie, Janet, I Spy and Dennis Dennis, whose genitals should never be unveiled without trumpets and coral accompaniment.

Atheist Bug, Matthew, Theon, Eric, Mark, and Mary, Monty the Funk Monkey, and Richard, who are so intelligent that if any one of them walked into a Trump cabinet meeting, the average IQ would reach 100. And Patrick, Matt, others, Stephen, Jason, Richard, Greg, and Nate, who can't really be blamed for how many voters assume we meant their dicks when we reminded them to go to the polls. Together, these 28 individuals, couples, godless insects, and funk monkeys have helped to thaw the solid ice core in which my heart's been embedded since about 9 p.m. last Tuesday by giving us money. Not everybody has the superior genitals and intellects it takes to give us money,

but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you've invested all your money in long-term seed banks, I get it, I totally get it. You can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes,

sharing the show with a friend, or getting our logo tattooed on your face. Whichever of those three options seemed like the least trouble to you is the one you should do. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written and performed by yours truly and yes, I did have my permission. One second, I'm going to let this

ambulance go by. I bet the person in there is dead. What the fuck?