The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 197: Jagged Little Pilgrim Edition

Episode Date: November 24, 2016

In this week’s episode, you’ll sneak off to listen to this so you don’t stab someone you’re related to, we’ll learn that Mike Pence cannot make it anywhere, and the Quran will get tantalizingly close to over. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Guest Links: Donate to the Recovering From Religion Foundation Here: Check out Browncoat 3000’s YouTube channel here: Headlines: Trump wants to do that thing the nazis did: http://www.rawstory.com/2016/11/will-trump-require-muslims-to-enter-national-registry/ FTC: Homeopathic treatments have to stop pretending they work: https://www.ftc.gov/news-events/press-releases/2016/11/ftc-issues-enforcement-policy-statement-regarding-marketing After school Satan club holds first meeting, complete with protesters: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/11/17/after-school-satan-club-holds-first-ever-meeting-but-not-without-protesters/ Huge spike in Planned Parenthood donations in Mike Pence’s name: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2016/11/donations-to-planned-parenthood-in-mike-pences-name-skyrocket/ Indonesia governor faces blasphemy charges over bullshit subtitles: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/11/18/after-video-with-falsified-subtitles-spreads-top-indonesian-politician-accused-of-blasphemy/ Pokemon seminary school ad http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/11/19/this-is-not-a-smart-way-to-advertise-seminary-school/ Pence gets booed and scolded at Hamilton: http://www.nytimes.com/2016/11/19/us/mike-pence-hamilton.html This Week in Misogyny: Turkish men cleared of child rape if they marry their victims https://richarddawkins.net/2016/11/turkish-bill-to-clear-men-of-child-sex-assault-if-they-marry-their-victims/ Yet another goddamn abortion law in Texas http://www.rawstory.com/2016/11/texas-proposes-yet-another-abortion-restricting-law/ Women don’t need a priest to forgive them for abortion anymore http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/11/21/women-dont-need-a-priests-forgiveness-after-an-abortion/

Warning, the following podcast contains explicit language, vulgar humor, and a distinct lack of holiday cheer. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Casper Mattresses, an obsessively engineered mattress at a shockingly fair price. And by White Powerball, the new weekly lottery game for proud Confederate states and their mathematically challenged residents. Tune in every Friday for a chance to win. White Powerball. All Fridays matter.

And now, The Scathing Atheist. Browncoat3000 here from YouTube. You can't stop the signal, and the signal says we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men how weird is that mal how weird is that it's thursday It's Thanksgiving. And we hate your family just as much as you do. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, and Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, you'll sneak off to listen to this so you don't stab someone you're related to. We learn that Mike Pence cannot make it anywhere. And the Quran will get tantalizingly close to over. But first, the diatribe. I got taken to task by a Canadian listener who thought last week's diatribe represented a bit of America-centric mission drift. And after two consecutive diatribes bitching about the forthcoming presidential administration, he politely reminded me that not all of our audience lives in the same country, and many of you don't give a fuck about Mike Pence.

Now, in my defense, when you've got an avowed theocrat at your southern border who's second in command of the world's largest nuclear arsenal, that seems like the kind of thing you'd worry about as a Canadian atheist, but I get his overall point, right? This is a show about atheism, not American politics. And while those lines do get a lot blurrier than we'd like them to, our audience is geographically diverse, and I owe it to the global listeners not to get too bogged down in shit that mostly just matters to Americans. So with apologies to this listener in Canada and any other international listeners who felt a little left out over the last couple of diatribes,

I just wanted to renew my pledge to use this segment of the show to talk about things that matter to atheists worldwide starting next week. Because in the U.S., today is Thanksgiving. And yes, I know you guys have a Thanksgiving in Canada too. I mean that's the one that we ripped off for our holiday. You just do it before your country freezes over. But for our overseas listeners, I should explain that Thanksgiving is a holiday where we just get together with our families except our families are American.

So they're the kind of assholes that would have liked Mike fucking Pence to the vice presidency behind Donald fucking Trump. So in order to convince you to hang out with them, they have to offer you a bunch of really good food. And so that you don't have to talk to those assholes, we watch football all day. No, the other football. So yeah, across the nation on the very morning this episode debuts, countless American atheists are going to be waking up to the thought, holy fuck, I have to deal with Aunt Kathy today. God damn it. Across this nation, there will be a couple million awkward sayings of grace. A couple million painful conversations with grandma about the blessing her televangelist gives her for the low, low price of $25 a month.

A couple million drunken uncles who didn't come from no monkeys. And tomorrow, the oft-bitten tongues of all the atheists will slowly begin to heal. And look, I'm not going to pretend that if it wasn't for religion, families would just all get along. You know, Jesus or no, my Aunt Kathy's still a racist. My brother-in-law's still a libertarian that doesn't understand what black people have against all the other colors of lives. Virtually my entire fucking family voted for Trump or Gary Johnson. But that's the whole point, right? Americans don't need help being insufferable assholes. We've got that covered. We don't need a whole new thing to be assholes about. We got plenty of assholery without tacking on all this religious shit. I mean, at least

political disagreements have some underlying cause, right? There's actually a consequence of one set of policies over another and reasonable people can disagree on which one is better. I mean, unreasonable people can also disagree about them, as most of our American audience is being reminded today, but so can reasonable people. And when they're informed, even the most vehement and angry political argument can have real value, or at least purpose, or at least promise of purpose. But with religion, you get all the divisiveness with no hope of benefit. Now, let me clarify here.

I'm not saying that there is no purpose in religious discussion. I'm saying there's no purpose in religion. You know, so certainly there's an advantage in engaging with religious people and debating them. But the only outcome of worth is them deciding, hey, this is a stupid thing, not worth entertaining long enough to argue about. And while there's plenty of value in trying to get there, if you step back and think about it, all you're doing is fighting to get to the null hypothesis, and somehow it's an uphill climb. Religion divides. That's what it does. They like to say it unifies, but they forget that if unifies isn't universal, that just means divides in groups, right? In the large scale, it divides

countries. In the small scale, it makes Thanksgiving dinners really fucking awkward. They love to talk about how religion is all about bringing the family together. But in truth, their line about the family praying together and staying together is less of an aphorism and more of a threat. One way or the other, I'm almost certain that religion is the leading cause of shunning in the US. And that's the thing we should reflect on while we're suffering through this gallery of jackasses we share our mashed potatoes with. I know a number of listeners who aren't worried about that this Thursday.

They were lucky enough to be disowned by their asshole families for no reason but their refusal to swear fealty to the family's deity of choice. Maybe they'll latch on to some other family or spend the holiday with friends or spend it alone because they didn't have it in themselves to keep sharing in dad's delusion about a magical sky wizard that divinely justifies his bigotry. And it isn't until you spend a

Thanksgiving without them that you realize just how much you love putting up with those assholes once a year. So if you're listening to this after the fact and you're still breathing into a paper bag over that fight you got into with your brother-in-law about the irreducible complexity of a turtle shell, just remember that it could be worse. You could have no assholes to put up with at all. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are two people who will totally kick that Trump-supporting family member's ass if you ask them nicely. Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, are you ready to relieve someone who's been nodding along to a racist aunt all day? You know what stops them? Just kiss them right on the mouth. Don't even wait. Guaranteed new subject at the table every time. You could grab them somewhere, yeah. Sometimes it rotates back to Trump, but you get what I'm saying. Okay, just imagine them farting.

Just like whenever there's a pause in your head, just go like, makes it all better. Oh, I can do it. Just now, Uncle Jerry just, well, you know, the problem with immigrants. That was a wet one, Uncle Jerry. Just say it. He won't know what you're talking about. Yeah, yeah. No, he'll think you meant wet back, and he'll be just fine.

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If you don't like it, they'll pick it up and give you a refund. But I know you'll love it so you'll dream your way to a better life. That's casper.com slash TSA to dream your way to a better life. And with another huge thanks to Anna for another awesome song, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, from the Mango Madness file, according to recent reports, President-elect Donald Trump is actually planning to do that thing the Nazis did. Yep. And it's not a big anti-smoking campaign no that doesn't even cause cancers pretty much regardless of which other thing he's talking about probably not the greatest idea but i guess

everybody needs to decide for themselves so noah eli do you think a national registry of muslim americans is a good policy because that's the plan. Well, I mean, I understand the controversy, but how else are you supposed to collect them all? You don't have a lot of them have the attack explode. Yeah. And sorry, we should point out before anyone decides to be particularly helpful and point out that on true patriotism dot com forward ben hillary uh they said it's only going to be immigrants or it won't actually happen the truth is that the fact that the

administration is talking about this is terrifying right yeah the story is that they're talking about it we got people on fox news comparing precedent for this to japanese internment camps favorably yes and the previous guy said they're not gonna rule anything out like like your personal skepticism that there's gas in them their showers is irrelevant because they're talking about it this is how we would have reacted to the nazis we all know now we all know we would have tweeted snarky people who asked us for help this is what we would do when the not because they're here they're here now terrifying yeah and uh we actually started a similar program following 9-11 and i actually

remember all my muslim friend at college being forced to register himself on a list and undergo interrogations right terrible yeah no embarrassing well we got rid of that about 10 years later because it's a completely unconstitutional although i'm not sure that was exactly what it is more like pressure. And, B, it led to literally zero terrorists being convicted of anything. Right. But since data is irrelevant starting in January, I guess, it looks like we're bringing that back. Starting in November.

And that's why all the Muslim people in the country will once again be forced to sign up for extra spying if this goes through and I'm assuming dress up like they're working at a TGI Fridays with 17 pieces of flair so we can see something and say something like Waldo with a dirty bomb like there it is fucking wonderful. But hey as long as they don't make them wear stars

actually I'm sure someone will tweet us that like we're overreacting even if they do even if they do stars are a simple visual way for our safety to be measured. Hashtag virtue signaling. Hashtag first sight of history. Hashtag now I know what we would have done with the Nazis because they're here. This is what we would do. That's so much what we're seeing because this has been a real challenge for the people desperately trying to pretend that we didn't just elect a fascist bigot you know like no guys i know he wants to list all the muslims but i just wrote a christmas list to have my whole family on it doesn't mean i'm gonna intern them does it so uh maybe he just wants to send them all a note say sorry

can't tell you how many email lists i've been added to that I didn't sign on for. Same thing, man. Same thing. God damn it. All right. One last point here. It is embarrassing how often we have to explain this on the show. This time to the Trump administration. Guys, you're hating Islam wrong.

Yes, Islam is stupid and horrible. Yes, we should be against a religion based on a book that calls for holy genocide repeatedly the answer isn't taking a cue from fucking hitler and taking early steps toward out genociding all the muslim people well i mean not unless you do the same thing with all the christian and jewish people It's about being consistent is what I'm saying, and they're being inconsistent. We're Nazis. That's what he's saying. And in wherefore art thou homeo news tonight,

we have a much needed injection of good news from the rationality front. We learned last week that the Federal Trade Commission will now start enforcing fraud laws even when you're a homeopath. This surprisingly surprising decision came in the form of a new enforcement policy statement released last tuesday which basically says that the homeopathic drugs have to play by the same rules as all the other drugs which until now they didn't huh so um if if the active ingredient is called just add water it goes in the bottled water section or next to wishing wells from now on i

mean what do we mean by play by the same rules of the other drugs like do the directions now say doesn't fucking matter dosage none package has to say nothing with like a cartoon b shrugging his shoulders and smoking a cigarette that would be awesome. Medicine, N slash A. Got it. Okay, so according to the statement, homeopathic drugs will essentially have to carry a prominent warning label that tells potential customers that this shit doesn't work. Well, I think it should be like getting an abortion in the South. There's like a waiting period. You have to make two appearances on Be Reasonable and deal with Marsh for a while. Just Marsh holding a picture of crushed up ice outside a homeopathy clinic. This is what homeopathy looks like.

This is what homeopathy looks like. And the school says in his heart there is no God news tonight. We've got even more good news. As after school Satan, the Satanic temple's response to the Christian Good News Club, held its first ever open house this past week. Hmm. Yeah. Love these guys. Oh, yeah.

Along with the usual gathering of protesters unable to answer simple questions about why they made signs and took time when they could have been feeding the homeless, and the intr of one screaming swearing asshole kids played with satanic coloring books basic questions about the program were answered but more importantly permission slips were signed oh tasty yeah this is absolutely fantastic and my favorite part there's a second group of protesters who also don't get satire and they're shouting like, no religious stuff at public schools at all, which makes the Christian protesters mad that way, too, and they don't know which way to face their sign. It's just this really confused gaggle of people arguing in all directions. Meanwhile, it's actually double satire, and we get to indoctrinate kids about the supreme evil demon so yeah win-win these protesters just like okay well which red robin are you guys going to after the protest because we do not want to go to the same one as you no that one still honors the

dollar burger coupons okay but but don't sit in carol's section pretty sure carol's into me where are you going with this i've'm going pretty deep into my bits since trump get elected feels like i can't really get out sometimes help me just do your story bro so in spite of the best efforts of a catholic priest who thinks the definition of irony is keeping clothes neat and pressed and what appears to be at least from the video I saw, a bunch of Asians who neither know nor understand why they were instructed to stand there with signs in English. They can't read. The club will continue. Oh, no shit.

Oh, I'm so tempted to show up with a group of like people dressed like Muslims to help out their anti-Satan protests. See what happens. Well, see, there's a unique opportunity here to link the protests together in a circle, right? Just all the way around like a chain, and then you just get all the religious people screaming at each other until they starve. Oh, amazing. It's like those computers at the end of like a bad computer movie. Must hate Muslims.

Must hate Satan. And by the way if you know someone from said after school Satan reminder we have free children's magic and juggling shows complete with scathing atheism on offer though I'd probably have to Skype in or something

because like schools are on school ground never mind whatever we have another story this is fun that's correct yeah let's move on quickly and in all abort news tonight planned parenthood has seen a major uptick in financial donations since the trump election and while these donations are coming in from all over the country they seem to be coming from the same person donations from all 50 states many in the five-figure range have

been received over the last few weeks all in the name of one mike pence of indiana so apparently not all mike pence's from indiana are misogynistic no no that's not a chance i'm willing to take if you come across a mike pence you must assume he's a dick for your safety and mine yeah that's probably best either way, this is one of my favorite Spartacus things of all time. Like, I am Mike Pence, the abortionist. No, I am Mike Pence. It's kind of reversed, but I like it. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, exactly.

So this is apparently the byproduct of a social media campaign that went viral over the last couple of weeks. Planned Parenthood supporters have been sharing memes urging people to donate to the organization in Pence's name and even include an address so Planned Parenthood can send Mike a little certificate thanking him for his support. So among the vicarious donors, by the way, was one Katy Perry, who very publicly donated $10,000 to Planned Parenthood while taking a jab at her Christian upbringing that left her entirely unaware of how vaginas worked. So for the record, Katy Perry is allowed to have sex with me again. There was a time after the Super Bowl halftime

show when she was off the list. But, Katy, if you're listening, you're back on the nice list filed under naughty, if you know what I mean. And that forgiveness is from all of us, Katy. You're on my celebrity list. To kill. Andrew really didn't want me to make that joke. We had a whole time about me

not making that joke. He showed me a thing on the internet and I did it anyways. It's also because she's Andrew's hall pass too. Don't fuck this up for him. It's laminated and everything. I would give anything to watch Andrew negotiate his celebrity list with his wife. Some sex should be. Andrew, you can fuck whoever you want.

You can fuck whoever you want. I would like to leave. And while I run and check my inbox for Katie's email, we'll pause for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. But it has the word pursuant on it. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race.

A religious slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man. This Week in Masagia. It's been really easy over the last few weeks for an American feminist to spend a lot of time feeling like man nipples. After watching a person whose sexism would have disqualified him for a position as the fried cook at Wendy's ascend to the highest office in the land, one can be forgiven for an inkling of hopelessness. But we can't allow ourselves to spend too much time mired in that self-pity, since our country needs us now more than ever.

So, in a desperate effort to jumpstart your gender equality passion, I set out looking for a silver lining, or at least some small victory we could cling to. So, first things first, it's good to be an American feminist, because when men rape children in America, they're not pardoned for it if they marry their victims. This story comes to us from Turkey, where that appears not to be the case. A bill circulating through their legislature right now seeks to overturn a man's conviction for child sexual assault if he later marries the victim, which actually just codifies an existing practice that used to rely on presidential pardons. So they're automating

the child rape forgiveness policy because apparently that line was starting to bottleneck. Now, the good news, other than you don't live in Turkey, is that this bill is a bridge too far for a lot of people within the country. The bill has provoked widespread outrage and included in the voices calling for it to be vetoed is that of the president's daughter. Now, my next story obscures the silver lining a bit more. This one comes to us from another backwards-ass place that no sane person would ever want to visit unless they were escaping a war zone, Texas. So apparently, a group of state senators in Texas have put forth a bill called the Pre-Born Protection and Dignity Act, a name that apparently just edged out the Imminent Vaginal Domain Act and the Don't Murder Babies with Utero Machetes Act. And without getting

into all the details, I'll just say that the law seeks to criminally prosecute doctors for providing legal and constitutionally protected medical services. And no, I'm not talking about checking a prostate here. So how is this good news? Well, it turns out that abortion laws in Texas could be even worse. Sorry, that's all I've really got on that one. I've really got on that one. And our final good news story comes to us from, of all places, Vatican City, where Pope Francis has decided women have had it hard enough this week and decided to throw them a bone.

According to a letter he issued on Monday, when a Catholic woman asked for forgiveness for having an abortion, God will now extend the mercy to the doctors and nurses involved in the procedure. That's right. The Pope just received word from God, or whatever, that you can get a three-for-one deal on abortion forgiveness. And you know how we ladies love a good sale. And now that you're all good and cheered up, I guess I can hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in What's That About a Llama news tonight,

the Christian governor of Jakarta is under investigation for blasphemy charges after a malicious social media editor intentionally fucked up the subtitles on a speech he gave and replaced them with blasphemous ones. David Daleiden edited together the video and omitted a couple of words so that an attack meant against the political opponents of this dude would be interpreted as an attack against the Koran. And despite the verifiably false nature of these allegations, protests calling for his imprisonment are topping six figures in attendance. And I'm sorry, guys, but verifiably false news isn't for condemning governors. It's for electing presidents yeah also makes a good bullet point on your cv if you want to be a chief strategist at the white house yes for example fake news when the nazis did it you didn't even have to click because they're here now this is what we would call that progress so frustrating the ongoing efforts of islamic

apologists to pretend that indonesia is the non-crazy Muslim country. Protests against the embattled governor have been widely reported to include rioting and violence. And also they whack the clits off of a lot of women there. Not an African problem, guys, regardless of the pristine clitoral condition of Iranian ladies. Question. Do black women have bigger clits? I've heard it's just like in chess. Is that true? That's your one. That's a positive stereotype, right?

That's a downright compliment. I take it back. Thank you. I still have one. And in Pokeball's deep news tonight. And in Pokeball's deep news tonight, seminary school Sacred Heart in Bacalad City, the Philippines, has a very strange new way to try to coax youngsters into their cult. I mean school. School. Sorry. School.

It's no cult, but yeah. A poster comparing the priesthood to Pokemon Go. This image came up. It's a new poster which was photographed and uploaded to Christian Nightmares and features an image of Ash Ketchum, the main character of Pokemon, the animated show, dressed as a priest with his hand

deep in his pocket, holding out a Pokeball with the words, considering the priesthood, go. I mean, I agree. Like, get the fuck out of here. Do anything else. Yeah. Magic the Gathering, so much better.

Way more fun. Name anything from Magic the Gathering. Tables. I have an EDH deck. It's blue and white. I do a lot of counters and mana acceleration. I bring out Eldrazi. It's a whole thing.

No, I get it, though. It's just like the Catholic priesthood, except the monsters are lamer and you tap something different. But you still, the skills are similar. I get it. It's very simple. However, I don't think that was the intent of the ad. I think it was more like,

hey, you want to be a priest? Do it. Do it now before you're old enough not to be swayed by children's cartoons. Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. Or at least come see us before you get that old. You know, come talk to us.

Wear loose clothes. That said, the comparisons between Pokemon and the priesthood are pretty startling. I mean, you go from city to city, breaking the spirits of children. You have imaginary creatures fighting each other. I talk about them all the time, even though I don't know what the fuck anything is. You often lose the fight when the other guy knows about evolution. And you're constantly using tackle.

What I'm saying is I get it. I get it. It's a good ad campaign and I take this story back. And finally tonight, from the Anything Gropes file, Vice President-elect Mike Pence attended a performance of the Broadway musical Hamilton last week

where he got a stern singing to by the award-winning cast. And he also got thoroughly booed by the majority of the audience. Probably because he's an ignorant, bigoted, religious fuck who looks like he should be serving coffee to white people at Central Perk. He's like Gunther's racist uncle. He looks a lot like that. More of the early stuff than the late stuff.

Yeah, exactly. Well, at least his administration is notoriously thick-skinned. It should be a little right off his back there. Right. So here's a little background on this. First of all, it's very important to remember that Mike Pence is an ignorant, bigoted fuck. I'll try to mention that every so often. particular thanks to his christian worldview pence wants to defund medical research on the treatment of aids and divert that money toward conversion therapy yep conversion therapy that's the

pseudoscientific nonsense that that basically boils down to shaming gay people until their sexuality changes or until they lie about it or until they commit suicide whichever comes first and spoiler it's never the first fucking thing. No, actually, as it turns out. It also doesn't think global warming is real, smoking doesn't cause cancer, promise to overturn Roe vs. Wade. Evolution is just a theory

willing to publicly associate himself with Donald Trump. Just bad all around. Nothing good to say about this human. They're here. You may also remember pence as the ignorant bigoted fuck and governor of indiana who signed a bill in 2015 that would have made it legal to run fucking hetero only segregated lunch counters right and and that's not to say he likes black people and other minorities if that's what you were thinking when i just said that

yes he was going to keep letting them purchase food if they were heterosexual but that's not the takeaway here i mean maybe he's not a racist but this isn't proof like it might seem is what i'm saying also we should point out this policy by the way applied to married gay couples trying to spend their last dying moments with their loved ones, which he blocked with emergency appeals several times. Let me repeat that. He blocked emergency appeals for gay people to die with their spouses multiple times. But you know what?

You didn't Google any of that before you voted him. So did you, Aunt Lucille? So, oh, what? He probably won't do any of that? Yeah, that's a good bet. Fuck you. Fuck you, Aunt Lucille. Jesus.

You know, and not to wander too far off subject here, but ultimately that's the actual defense most moderate Republicans are offering for their new administration. Like, maybe they'll hold perfectly still for four years. Anyway, sorry, we were talking about a play. I'm kind of a little off subject. People were rude to him at a play. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, so the cast of Hamilton decided that having someone in a position of power who thinks this way might not be the greatest idea, especially considering the new lead actor in the show, Javier Munoz, is an openly gay man who happens to be HIV positive.

openly gay man who happens to be HIV positive. So at several points during the show, including some of the musical numbers, the cast very clearly directed certain relevant lyrics and lines toward Pence and got thundering applause for it that required breaks during songs. It was awesome. And then they closed it out with a quick speech expressing their concern about the non-inclusive nature of the incoming administration

and then donald trump had a twitter tantrum the next day it was a wonderful wonderful show and my favorite part of all of this shit was all of the trump supporters on facebook and twitter later screaming about how they're gonna boycott hamilton oh i'm sorry cletus isn't going to see the hip-hop musical? Well, they're fucked now. Next thing you know, the waiting list to get tickets is only going to be nine months. Years, yeah. They're doing great. Two key

things to point out about this that make it even better. Pence was in the middle of walking out when they asked him to remember that brown and gay people were Americans as well. And two, we mentioned before Donaldald's little tweet storm donald tweeted three times about hamilton being mean to pence and zero times about the 701 incidents of hateful harassment since his election right yeah so you know where his priorities are

right oh man uh i gotta say though this whole thing did make me feel great about new york and the audience reaction made me feel surprisingly great about new york's tourists right who i normally want to poke in the eye with their goddamn self-esteem and of course it also gave us a great reason to put 30 seconds on the clock we'll be looking for musicals inspired by the trump and pence administration go all right all right well i feel like we're probably 18 months we'll be looking for musicals inspired by the Trump and Pence administration. Go. All right, all right. Well, I feel like we're probably 18 months or so away from my The King and I joke making any sense, so I'm going to go with Sweeney Fraud, the demagogue barbarian of Fifth Avenue.

Ooh, I like it. Annie, get your gun and shoot a Pennsylvanian Republican. Yeah, Andrew, Andrew. Andrew really didn't want me to make that joke. You tried to trick me into saying that once. I was not allowed to say that. Moving on. I'm going to go with how to succeed in business

without really buying stuff and paying for it and without really paying taxes for 20 years and without not going bankrupt four times when you run a casino that automatically wins because of the statistical edge because you're an idiot. See, now, I was going to go with how to succeed in the electoral college without your opponent

really trying, but yours was so good. I was going to leave that. I was going to go with, I don't wait. I just start kissing me, Kate. I'm going to go with Miss American Idiot. Pippin ain't easy. Fiddle her on the roofies?

It's going to come out. Eventually it's going to come out. Yeah, no, it's a matter of time. A little alt-right music. All right, here we go one more. How about Oklahoma-phobia? Exclamation. There we go.

Yeah, right, right, exactly. Indiana too. And when we come back, we'll volunteer for a federal watch list by publicly admitting that we're reading the Koran. Here at the Scathing Atheist, we know that Thanksgiving can be less than pleasant for a nonbeliever. And in the year when Trump was elected, it can be even harder. for a non-believer. And in the year when Trump was elected, it can be even harder.

So to help you through this troubling time, we've put together a compilation of all the shit we wish we'd said. So, you still into that whole atheism thing? Yeah. You still love that zombie book? It's not a zombie book. It's a zombie book. You read that copy of World War Z,

I said you also have zombies and does not advocate rape. You should love it. Stop sending me that book. Oh, Joshua, leave him alone. It's just a phase. Oh, yeah? What age did you grow out of caring about what's true? Was it 40? 40? 40 years old?

Okay, now if evolution is true, how do you explain this right here? I will slit your fat fucking kid's throat. You want to watch your kid die? I will kill him right now at this table. And his last thought will be, why couldn't my daddy shut the fuck up so you started eighth grade this year huh how's that king of middle school now that we're so close to the light at the end of this tunnel, I can't help but look back over the massive amount of Quran we've already read and say to myself, where the fuck were the thoughts and stuff?

Yeah, this book is why Gitmo doesn't work. They're already. Oh, what's that? A different torture that isn't the story of Moses again? Sure, let's get crazy. You guys are awesome. What are you doing after? And of course, joining us in this joyously almost over endeavor is my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back. Yeah, the one time you don't finish early and it's reading the goddamn Quran.

Hey, hey, there was that other time in June 2004. I still have the plaque you gave me to prove it. We all got plaques. That's right. Anyway, neither here nor there. Why don't we hurriedly change the subject to that of Surah 66, the Prohibition. Sure thing. And this chapter, Blit,

seems to be mostly about how kinky stuff is okay if you're Muhammad. Right. The Saudi version might be a little different seems to be mostly about how kinky stuff is okay if you're muhammad right the uh the saudi version might be a little different here god's explaining that men are totally encouraged to be awful monsters to their wives that seems to be the point and he's scolding muhammad for apparently not taking advantage of that policy yeah it's like a plantation owner talking to his underboss. Dude, are you raping the slaves? I put up a sign about raping the slaves. That's like a whole thing.

That's your one. We found it. We knew we would. It was a compliment to the attractive slaves. No, it was not. No, it wasn't. I take it back. You get one. I think we're at two now.

And then it's off to Sirius 67, the dominion or the kingdom. And we start off with some awesome scientific accuracy about the seven layers of heaven. Or as astronomers call it, the galactic parfait. Yeah, that's the technical term. He also challenges us to find one single flaw in all of God's creation. It's like saying, point to one illogical thing about the English language. I dare you.

He also asks Mo to make sure there aren't any cracks in the sky again. Because if you'll remember, it's all one piece, you see. But what about the clear line between the refried beans and the guac? Silence, infidel!

All right. And before we abandon the topic of scientific accuracy here, I want to make sure everyone knows that stars are lamps that drive away devils. Seems to be a lot of confusion about that. So I just wanted to go ahead and clear it all up. Yeah, basically, it turns out that the stars are a big pile of snowballs that Al has been saving up for when he

challenges the demons to a snowball fight later on. Well, right, of course. Yeah, and after the demons all get pelted with star lamp missile snowballs, they're going to get, quote, the punishment of the blaze. So it gets way worse.

You have to listen to Glenn Beck. Insult to injury. In my version, Mo says, quote, have you thought if all your water were to disappear into the earth, who then could bring you gushing water? End quote. And Sura. He's like a girlfriend walking out of the room going, we'll see. could bring you gushing water? End quote. End surah.

He's like a girlfriend walking out of the room going, we'll see. We'll see what? Wait. Bed? Things. And then we get surah 68, the pen that starts with this spectacular

opening of Allah speaking to Muhammad. He says, and I quote, by the pen and all that they write, by the grace of your Lord, you are not a madman. And again, Muhammad has to constantly remind people of that. I feel like even if that's true, it says plenty about the guy. He also points out that Moe is, quote, of tremendous nature. Jesus. It's like a badly written bit about the Koran. I'm expecting any minute now for, and lo, the curtain fell and Moe was there.

But pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. I'm picturing Moe in front of a mirror because you're sane enough and you're tremendous in nature enough and gosh darn it, people like you. They do. He lashes out a bit in this one too. He's talking about people who call his book a fable and he just randomly says,

soon we shall brand them on the nose. And I'm like, that seems like the oddest of threats. On the nose? No. I, for one, am going to make them look super silly when I turn my face real quick. Elon 1, Muslim God 0. And then we shall poke their eyes with two fingers. And if they do the nose block thing, we shall poke one eye with one finger. And nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, shall we utter. And I want to point out that in verse 48, Muhammad clearly forgets Jonah's name.

Right? And he's like, and don't be like the guy who got swallowed by the whale, you know, his name, like I do as well. Mo, do you mean Jonah? Yes, yes, him. Good, you passed. Yes. Oh, yeah. Leave that in there, though,

so that... Because I meant it. Okay, but didn't Jonah get saved by God and sent to heaven? Well, yeah, but like, don't abuse the whale thing. It's a special thing. I can't be getting whale rides all over the place.

And this, sir, ends with, again, just a reminder, dickholes who don't believe in Allah do a mean impersonation of my seizures and say I'm crazy, but I'm not. They are. Dicks. So blatant. And then we get Sirius 69 with the frustratingly innuendo-less title, The Sure Reality or The Inevitable Hour. Sirius 69, guys, come on, try it.

Yeah, and the gist of this one, in case we hadn't made it clear already, is that good Muslim people go to heaven and bad non-Muslim people burn in hell. Yeah. Then we get a little more of that great Muslim science you're always hearing about. It's like the argument from lack of evidence. God's talking about how he killed the people of Ad, apostrophe A-D with a windstorm and proves it by pointing out that you can't find any fossil remains of those people because of all the wind.

This also proves the existence of sharknadoes too. And following the Quranic rule that says that every new hell detail must be sillier than the last, we also learned that when you get to hell, you'll be fastened there with a 70 cubit chain. And which makes all those walls of

fire a bit superfluous, doesn't it? Oh, he's going to hate that part. Just out in Allah's yard all day, barking, wondering why he even got a guy in the first place. I will. And you know the demons in hell are pissed about this.

Like, why not just make the fucking chain smaller? I'm making fire pits like 35,000 square feet like an idiot. Ruining the environment. Just make fucking small chains, man. And instead of hot soup, this time the only food the sinners get is filth. I'm not really sure exactly what that means, but it seems like a step up from Eli's current diet.

And once again, joke on Muslim hell, you saved me $500 a month that I used to have to pay a Japanese teenager, so Eli 2, Muslim God 0. Well, you're getting screwed on that price. Anyway, the Saudi version says all you get is filth from the washing of wounds, which is weird because lots of people enjoy eating scabs, right?

Oh, gross. All right? Really? It's just me who enjoys eating scabs? Okay. Liars. And he's Enrique. That is so funny. Make that love connection. Okay. Liars. And he's then right. Then it serves.

Make that love connection. And honestly, I think my favorite part of this book is all the caveats that Muhammad puts on it whenever he mentions chastity. You know, it's like, you know, blessed are those who are forthright and blessed are those who are trustworthy and blessed are those who maintain their chastity except with their wives and those sex slaves they rightly possess. Notwithstanding prior sexual obligations that were met due to contractual stipulations which are A, ratified. And B, witnessed by one or more notary publics in good standing with the local chamber of commerce. Hold on, hold on. I got more. Guys, I think Andrew might have been Muhammad's lawyer as well.

That would explain a lot about how we failed to surprise him. And I'm guessing he wasn't at all surprised that he had to erase the joke that was also a federal crime that used to be in the notes right here. Eli's section, weirdly enough. That's going to get edited out, so I'm not even going to repeat it. But you at home know what I meant. You at home know what I told you to say. And you should. He meant redacted. Redacted is what he meant.

Also, it seems nitpicky, but Mo tells us that Allah's day is 50,000 years here, even though he already told us twice it's a thousand years. So, like, maybe Allah has a leap day. What's the deal here? Also, again, can't emphasize this enough non-Muslims go to hell

that is correct and then I get my very own surah number 71 Noah and this is appropriately enough basically two pages of Noah whining about people not believing him yeah it's a long tradition us Noah's have

and I love that while he's trying to convince them one of the pieces of evidence pages of noah whining about people not believing him yeah it's a long tradition us noah's and i love that while he's trying to convince them one of the pieces of evidence noah presents is hey doesn't the moon produce light huh so assuming everybody already knows about the ark i i feel like we can move on to surah 72 the spirits the jinn or the unseen beings. All right. This chapter is literally the story of a bunch of demons that read the Quran and they thought it was really good. Yeah. No, it's honestly, this chapter reads like somebody says like, but Mo, we can't find a single human being that likes your book.

And Mo's like, well, sure, humans don't like it, but you know who keeps five-starring it on Amazon? Unseen beings. That's who. like it but you know who keeps five-starring on amazon unseen beings that's who the ancient quranic version of agreeing with yourself on multiple twitter accounts yeah he's literally inserted imaginary beings into his book to tell him how good it is this is the chronic equivalent of ray comfort's i make sense don't i montage right yep but instead of the out of context clips of people saying you make sense ray it's just like an empty bench with ray comfort explaining in the vo how all the invisible mutes

he spoke to exactly through that and then there's sarah 73 the unfolded one which starts off with a long screed about how awesome it is to wake up in the middle of the night to Allah how impressive his balls are. Such a weird gesture. This is one of those times that Muhammad is definitely extra drunk. I just clearly fucking would describe. Here's the exact words in my copy. He says, stand to pray all night

except a little. Half of it. Or a little less than that. Or a little more. And recite the correct one though he does point out here that when they do go to hell there won't be any food except food which makes you choke so again choking on filth eli three muslim god zero i love how they don't get how the timeline of evidence of stuff works.

The gray hair thing happening in the future is supposed to be proof that all the infidels are fucked on Judgment Day also in the future. It's the same point in the future, no less. Yeah, exactly. He's doing a call forward. I can appreciate that. Point for Muslim God. Eli 3, Muslim God one. Okay.

Okay. And also there's this weird moment in verse 20 where you can just like imagine a scribe shaking his head to him. He's like, you know, so each of you stay awake two thirds of the night to pray. The scribe's like, no, fuck that. He's like, or half the night, one third of the night. Recite as much of the Quran as you want want that yeah that's what alice says did anyone else feel at this point like if you said muhammad's name backward he'd disappear back into his own dimension that's how this chapter read to me and if i'm not mistaken here in surah 74 the one wrapped up, starts off with Allah calling for an orderly apocalypse because he basically starts it off saying, hey, look, the apocalypse is going to be a little rough.

You know, earthquakes, geriatric kids, crumbling mountains, traffic's going to be a bitch. So do me a favor and try not to kill any infidels once the trumpet sounds. Leave that shit to me. OK, but you know what? It read like they'd already had like six or seven false starts on this. You know, like what he's saying here is, guys, look.

Yes, there will be a trumpet and an earthquake and an apocalypse, but that doesn't mean that every time you hear a trumpet and feel a rumble, you need to go around and murder all the infidels. Steve, I'll just got this. You'll know. You'll know when it's time for the slow clap.

Okay, well now I feel like you're all watching me, though. Keep killing them now. Keep killing them now. I'm just saying, you've got to watch the snap. Mo also falls flat on another threat here. He's talking about how he's going to punish the non-believers, and he builds it up like it's going to be really bad, but then he says, I shall force them to endure

a painful uphill climb and like i do that recreationally so i just i feel like he could have done better if he'd taken his time see noah won muslim god once he's tied with allah now he's negative one that sounds pretty rough i don't keep score i do not like going up hills. Also, I have to point out the bat shittery of the verse numbers at this point. They're fucking random. I mean, obviously, as the chapters get shorter, they're cramming in more verse numbers to make it seem like something's being said here. But Surah 74, verse 22 literally reads, quote, then he frowned and scowled, end of quote. That's the whole verse.

That's the whole fucking verse. What the fuck? And then verse 29 just says, burning the skins, exclamation. And it's extra crazy because verse 28 explained in perfectly good detail about the skin burning. But Moe was like, okay, now just write burning the skins on top of that as the next verse. I'm trying to think of a time when you want to reference that just by chapter and verse. Right. Then we get Surah 75, the resurrection.

And if you're thinking to yourself like I was, hey, isn't that what the last 26 Surahs were about? Just be happy you don't have to try to come up with new jokes for each one of them. Yeah. Somehow this book got more repetitive. Yes. At least it starts originally like, hey, aren't I the guy who's going to put you back together? Even your fingers, whole package, unlike some gods which are going to leave you walking around all nubby. Yeah, what was that?

Buddha, fucking Buddha over there. Such a weird moment. Muhammad appears to be arguing with nobody about something they said. He's like, what, you don't think God's going to reassemble your skeleton? Nobody said anything. Finger bones. The tips bone. What?

Yeah, so once again, we learn that there's going to be like shit hell to pay when Allah gets home or whatever. He talks about semen some more, and then we're off to Surah 76, The Man. So we're going to start this one off with my easiest Eli Bosnick story set up of all time by observing that Mo gets to the sperm way too early in this one. I did not get a plaque. No, not at all. We're two sentences in, and already we're talking about the drop of mingled fluid that makes babies. Yeah, I mean I feel like at this point all the two-page chapters are either here's how awful hell will be or here's how awesome heaven will be. And this is more of the latter.

Still some hell threats but mostly it's just about all the awesome heaven couches. Why is he so obsessed with the couches? Right? I feel like every person he tells heaven about must be asking, yeah, but, you know, is there a comfortable place to sit down and stuff? Like the couch situation, you know, how's that? Because it seems like we might run out of seats or something. Oh, no, my friend. I have got you covered.

I have got you covered. Looks like we need another sofa. Let's see. We also get some more science here. I guess you'd call it astronomical afterlife meteorology. Maybe. It says that in heaven, you never get excessive heat, nor do you get excessive cold. And that's because there's no sun and no moon in heaven so according to the

quran all those coldness particles come from the moon oh right no science carried in on all that light it generates yeah it also seems like muslim heaven diet is entirely fruit and river milk and i just feel like you spent an awful lot of your afterlife shitting. It's like, I know I've got the virgins, but I can't seem to get out of the bathroom. It's something they should warn you about at the very least. As in life, so in death. He's trying to tell us about how hot our hoorie, our immortal youths, which might be raisins, are going to be.

Yeah. The fuck? And he's like, oh, dude, you can't tell the difference between them and pearls. Yeah, what? Round? Shiny? I mean, I just feel like Mo really thought he was killing it with that

metaphor. For me, I don't think he did. Does not work. Honestly, all I can think to say about Surah 77 is that Mo made it all the way to verse 20 before he started talking about sperm. Other than that, it's exactly the same shit we've been reading over and over again. Yeah, it's like he's challenged us to think of new dick jokes for these surahs. Yeah, but the record actually gets stuck in this surah because in my translation he says, quote,

Woe unto the repudiators on that day and, quote, seven fucking times. It's like he's going to go, you like that, Noah? But you wish I was telling the story of Moses with slightly different words now, don't you? Yeah. And it's a bunch of variations on that, too. The whole chapter is like Muhammad trying to be Bobby McFerrin at a live show. But the repeated line for the audience is just horribly awkward and stupid, so it fails miserably.

Yeah, right, right. It's like when they go too far, too many words in the on three or whatever. But then we get Surah 78 titled The Great News, and regardless of what Mo thinks, The Great News is that this is the last surah we had to read this week. Thank you, Jesus.

Basically, this surah is the worst list of divine coincidences you can imagine. It's like, if there is no God, then why would the part of the day that doesn't have light in it be the night? He also points out that God made the earth an expanse.

A flat expanse. That's what it says. So there. Science. And then we get another interesting proof of god i guess this would be the argument from two of stuff he's explaining how dumb it is to doubt this book and god because quote we created you in pairs male and female tall and short good So another fun way to debunk the Quran, the word medium. Also Ari. And don't forget, we already have J. Giles Band, The Three Little Pigs, and The Hudson River Exists. So just add that, all those together.

Minimum of five. Got a nice bag of tricks there for those arguments. And whenever Mo says Shirley, I wonder if that word means what he thinks it means. Because his logic chain is constantly something like, okay, we all agree that snakes can fly, correct? And we all agree that trees exist. Rain comes from the sky. Okay, boom. Surely Muslim Judgment Day will come at an appointed time.

It's always like that. The conclusion is completely unrelated to the premises. And I just want to make two observations about Muslim hell here as well. First of all, Muhammad is obsessed with what everybody's going to be eating down there. Every time he brings up Muslim hell, he has to tell us what we're eating. And secondly, it's never the same thing. It's like they've got a menu or something like, oh, what is it, Tuesday? Oh, Tuesday's hot soup day. Oh, it's never the same thing. You know, it's like they've got a menu or something like, oh, what is it, Tuesday? Oh, Tuesday's hot soup day. Oh, it's Wednesday's filth.

Every time he mentions it, we're being cursed to eat a different thing here. Yeah, and in this surah, he brings it back to hot soup, but it's also super cold soup. I got my mind. Everybody hates that. So Muhammad 2, Eli 4, Noah 1, Heath negative 1, Lucinda negative 8 points. I win Quran and Maniacs. And what we're doing now, it's been the same paragraph since the beginning of the show.

We're Nazis. Do you guys hear there are real Nazis and they're and the president won't say he doesn't like them? See, I figure we all won because we're that much closer to the finish line, but take your victories where you can, Eli, because that's going to do it for this edition of Koranomaniacs. And when we come back in three weeks, we'll finish this fucking book.

Thank you. And never read it again. Absolutely. So close. I've been reading the whole time. Before we fly the coop tonight, I wanted to thank the folks from Recovering From Religion for inviting me to be a part of their Thanksgiving Streamathon fundraiser on Facebook last Sunday. Got my dates crossed. I meant to tell you guys about it before it happened rather than after, so sorry about that.

If you're feeling salty that you missed an opportunity to donate money to the RFR, though, fear not. You still can do that. We'll have a link on the show notes telling you how. Anyway, that's all the blast we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a new episode of The Thinking Atheist with Seth Andrews featuring Heath, Eli, and myself. We came on to talk about Ray Comfort's new movie. Now, we reviewed this movie on GAM, but Seth really put together a hell of a show with multiple guest stars, so even if you've already heard us review

The Atheist Delusion, I'd strongly encourage you to check this one out. Believe that's going to be out early next week, and we'll share it on our social media as soon as it's available. And since it's Thanksgiving, I guess I should thank some people. No worries, I got a lot of practice at that.

Thanks to Heath for being my co-host, my business partner, my roommate, and my friend. Thanks to Lucinda for letting me play such a key role in her life. Thanks to Eli for lending us his passion and his humor and for turning out to be as good a friend as he is a podcaster. Thanks to Anna for lending us her talent so generously. Thanks to Browncoat3000 from YouTube for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Incidentally, if you need a little more skeptical YouTube in your life, you'll find a link to his channel on the show notes for this episode.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most marvelous mammals. on the show notes for this episode. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most marvelous mammals. Violet, Sabrina, Pascal, Caitlin with a C, Craig, Emma, Tony, Chris, Cactuar, Brad, George, Caitlin with a K, William, Cal, Crafty, Grant, Matthew, Fox,

Alexander, Richard, Christopher, Frank, Birdo, Pops, and Jeff. Violet, Sabrina, Pascal, Caitlin with a C, Craig, and Emma, who are so hot they give Thanksgiving dinner calorie envy. Tony, Chris, Cactuar, Brad, George, and Caitlin with a K, whose wits are so sharp they made that turkey carver superfluous, William, Cal, Crafty, Grant, Matthew, and Fox, who are so sexy even Tryptophan brags about sleeping with them,

and Alex, Richard, Christopher, Frank, Bert, Apops, and Jeff, whose cocks just tied for America's best Thanksgiving stuffing for the 11th year in a row. Together, these 24 forthright and formidable forces of forethought have fortuitously furthered our fortunes this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money, internet connection, and passing inclination it takes to give us money. But if you're feeling particularly thankful this week, you can go make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. What are you typing into the thing? I not gonna say whatever you're god damn it

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