The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 199: Six Fetus Under Edition

Episode Date: December 8, 2016

In this week’s episode, British divorce proceedings include a limited learning clause, thimble companies pivot toward the emerging fetal urn market in Texas, and we’ll reward David Smalley’s altruism by being mean as all hell to him. To get tickets to God Awful Movies live in Chicago with special guests Tom and Cecil, you’ll find them here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-with-cognitive-dissonance-tickets-29713113723 To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Guest Links: Click Here to check out the Opening Arguments podcast: http://openargs.com/ Click Here to check out Cognitive Dissonance: http://dissonancepod.com/ Click Here to check out Atheistically Speaking: http://atheisticallyspeaking.com/ Headlines: Texas law requires funerals for abortions: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2016/11/texas-now-requires-funeral-services-aborted-fetuses/ and Satanists claim TX law requiring abortion funerals violates their religious rights: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/03/satanists-say-texas-rule-requiring-funerals-aborted-fetuses-violates-religious-beliefs/ Ark encounter getting a coliseum exhibit with a dinosaur http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/11/29/ken-hams-ark-encounter-will-soon-coliseum-diorama-romans-shields-dinosaur/ Michigan man blames devil for crashing his car http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/01/michigan-man-blames-devil-smashing-several-parked-cars/ Christians jizz spontaneously over Jesus statue undamaged by wildfire: http://www.cnn.com/2016/12/01/us/tennessee-wildfires-statute-trnd/index.html Asshole bench being removed http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/02/pennsylvania-city-agrees-replace-veterans-memorial-bench-denigrates-atheists/ Judge chastises divorced Jewish dad for exposing his kids to evolution: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/04/judge-divorced-jewish-dad-wrong-go-museum-expose-child-evolution/ David barton thinks people who lie should correct their mistakes http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/02/irony-alert-pseudo-historian-david-barton-says-people-caught-lies-correct-mistakes/ Saudi woman faces execution for going to breakfast uncovered http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/02/saudi-woman-faces-threats-execution-going-breakfast-without-fully-covering/ This Week in Misogyny: Orthodox woman had to have her panties checked by rabbi to make sure she was clean http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/11/30/former-orthodox-jewish-woman-explains-take-panties-rabbi-inspection/ P-Robes: Angry daughter “probably just having her period.” http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/pat-robertson-angry-daughter-probably-just-having-her-period/

Warning, the following podcast contains genuine, heartfelt emotions. But don't worry, we wrap them in profanity. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by the new post-uterine service provider for fetuses who purchased very small farms in Texas. It's the Lone Star Stemmatory and Prematorium. Not only do we take care of the final remains, if you need help with a eulogy, we've got professional Zygost writers on staff ready to assist you. Lone Star Stemmatory and Prematorium.

Find us on Twitter at SixFetusUnder. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Thomas Smith. I've got to interrupt you there. You are speaking in corporate on behalf of Opening Arguments Media, LLC. And I'm here with my lawyer, Andrew Torres. Retained counsel for the podcast, which airs Wednesdays. And I'm here to tell you that we did, in fact—

I've got to stop you. On the best information and belief— Okay, do I need to— On the best information and belief, we did evolve from filthy. You can't use filthy. That's a violation of the Australian Speech Code Act. That could be technically a felony. Can we use slightly less groomed?

Okay. According to our best information, we likely evolved from not very well-groomed monkey men. Is that good? Are we good? I approve. Okay, thank you. It's Thursday. It's December 8th. And Santa won't bring you coal if you hold his family hostage.

I have no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, British divorce proceedings include a limited learning clause.

Thimble companies pivot toward the emerging fetal earn market in Texas. It's the most modestly priced receptacle, after all. And we'll reward David Smalley's altruism by being mean as fuck to him. But first, the diatribe. Okay, so I kind of have to start this show off this week congratulating David Smalley and all the folks at Dogma Debate. Last weekend, they held their third annual 24-hour fundraiser, and for the third year in a row, they crushed their goal.

This year, they set out to raise $50,000 for the secular summer camp program Camp Quest, and as ambitious as this goal was they annihilated it with over 63 000 raised and you'll be happy to know our hour raised more money than any other undisputed hour in the entire fundraiser now i know there are some rumors going around that we took fourth place but look todd stiefel didn't beat our total until his hour had been up for seven minutes shelly siegel's hour can't really be properly evaluated until after jill stein's recount and smally admitted up front that tom and cecil were cheating by going last so as exciting as it is that the secular community came together to raise over 60 grand for kids to learn science and shit the important thing is that we won in my narrative plus all the hours that beat us had a millionaire matching all the donations, and we didn't. So no matter what the score sheet says, everybody knows you're the most generous audience. And look, all kidding aside, your generosity never fails to amaze me.

I mean, obviously, it's what keeps the lights on around here, and I'm internally grateful for that but even when you set all that shit aside between the two vulgarity for charity things we did this year and all the other various charitable endeavors we got involved in you guys donated over fifty thousand dollars to secular charities this year and that's just a drop in the bucket of secular giving i mean hell it's probably just the tip of the iceberg of how much our audience gives to charity every year and what could be more inspiring than that? You're fucking atheists after all. You know, last week, or maybe it was the week before, a listener sent me some little religious lesson that he came across. It's a rabbi telling his students that God created all things for a purpose. And one of the students raises his hand and he says, well, then why did

God create atheists? And that's a pretty good question, I guess. So kudos to this theoretical student. And of course, I'm expecting the same tired apologetic about free will or or maybe some dismissive bullshit about us all secretly believing in god we just deny him because all the great atheist porn but instead the lesson has the rabbi claiming us proudly on behalf of god he says atheists are there to show you that you can do good even when there's no reward. Now, I mean, obviously, fuck religious lessons that try to take our charity and appropriate it for their ethical stagnation. But if you strip away the framing, this is a very important point and one that too often gets overlooked in the atheist movement. I mean, I hear a lot of atheists using it to prop up a pejorative about how religious people need a postmortem cookie as an incentive to be good.

I see t-shirts and shit that point that out all the time. But I rarely hear atheists reflecting on just how inspirational it is to know that humans in general don't need any reward at all. They're just that good. You know, look, we're proof of concept here. The history of human society seems to be undergirded with the assumption that the masses need ulterior motives to be altruistic. I mean obviously you can point to the relative ineffectiveness of secular justice systems throughout history and say, well, back then they needed it more. And you're probably right. I don't think that basic human decency is so great that we can do away with courts and cops. But there's no law that says you have to give money to camp quest or modest needs.

and cops, but there's no law that says you have to give money to camp quest or modest needs. I mean, tax write-offs aside, there's no reward for you personally other than the knowledge that you know you did a good thing. You put your money towards something you believe in, and it turns out that that is enough. Now look, I kicked off the season of love and giving and charity and shit with a diatribe about how it's okay to be an asshole and you should call people names more often, so allow me to balance that out with a positive message here because if you step back and think about atheism as like a a global sociology experiment the data we're getting back are incredible right it's just been one piece of evidence after another that we never needed religion it was the fucking feather and we were dumbo. We've shown that people are still

inspired to take care of the elderly and the poor. We've shown that people will still create their own communities and mutual support networks. We've proven that humans can live meaningful lives in full recognition of their mortality. We found that human brains and human ingenuity can offer us answers to those problems we thought we needed to invoke a god to solve or ignore at least. Look, if the rise of atheism has taught us any one thing, it's that human beings are better than we thought they were. We underestimated us. You know, as a society, we thought we needed fairy tales and the threat of omniscient demons to keep ourselves in check, but it turns out we didn't. It turns out we're smart

enough to recognize the value of doing the right thing even when there's nothing in it for us and i really can't think of any finding that could be more inspirational when you give humans a chance to be better they are they're talking about your jesus joining me for headlines tonight are the abbott and costello of critical thought heath enright and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to carry on in a world where increasingly few people understand that reference? Those are the guys who invented the waterbed, right? Have you slept in one of those? Sweet, sweet heaven. You got to make it move in time for your lava lamp to really get the effect.

They are comfortable. They are. In our lead story tonight, I was originally planning to talk about the vehicular and stabbing attacks at Ohio State perpetrated by a Muslim man who allegedly did it for ISIS. And that's pretty much the entire story. Islam is fucking awful. Yep. Just a reminder for everyone that forgot about that.

reminder for everyone that forgot about that. But somebody left us a comment about not covering it on the last episode without realizing that we sometimes prepare and record our headline segment several days in advance. So the attacks hadn't happened yet. And the comment was at least slightly dickish.

Actually, it probably wasn't, but I'm an oversensitive, spiteful asshole, so we're going to leave the story at that. See, this is why I do call forwards. For concerned listeners with time machines like whoever wrote us. Also, hey, one little thing. You know what I'm glad about? They didn't have any fucking guns.

It's fine. Go ahead. No, it's great. Everyone's still alive. That mass stabbing. All right. that mass stabbing all right so uh in our other lead story tonight the state of texas now requires goddamn funerals for tiny little blobs of undifferentiated cells uh also don't forget islam is the worst and genuinely thanks for the comment not actually

bitter anyway abortion funerals go well you know what I am bitter because I had a bunch of Ohio State stabbing jokes, really funny ones too. And now because you hurt Heath's feelings, nobody gets to hear them and I have to make jokes about playing taps in super fast chipmunk style instead. Tiny little six-gun salute. Little cap guns. A little bonus for that Ohio State story. If you looked on ESPN that day, the only headline they had was, the football team is fine. It's fucking insane. Check it out.

It's still there. Well, they are one of the top teams in the nation. Anyway, so the new law in Texas. I don't think the guy had a gun. The new law in Texas is going to prohibit medical facilities like hospitals and clinics from doing anything with fetal remains other than burial or cremation, which is possibly one of the dumbest laws from a state where that's a super competitive category of things. Especially when you could satisfy the requirement by lighting a match right after the abortion Or setting up a zen garden With like one little particle of sand For each headstone

Do you really want us to do that? Guys, Texan Atheist Abortion Funeral Services Will be free Eli, no Website acquired No Good Now it's not all bad news here

There is an exception to the rule With the.net and.org too. No. Good. Now, it's not all bad news here. There is an exception to the rule. If the abortion or miscarriage happens at home, the new law doesn't apply. So for all the pregnant women out there who are fetus landfill enthusiasts or big into heirloom tomatoes, be sure to murder your child on private property. Right. Exactly. The Susan Smith story. Too soon to murder your child on private property. Right. Exactly. The Susan Smith story. Too soon?

Too soon? No, no. Her problem was more of a too late type situation. One kid was in the seventh trimester, the other in the 16th. So, no. Definitely not too soon. Kicking and screaming. Hey, actually kicking and screaming.

Oh, God. All right. Now it's too far. Not too soon. All right. So,'s too far. Not too soon. So one other fun detail. As usual, the best counter response to this obviously Christian inspired law came from the satanic temple. They're the best. Now, they're claiming the new rule violates their sincerely held belief that you can't tell women what to do with their little sack of stem cells.

And rightfully so, according to a legal system that bends over backwards to let religious people do stupid shit. Yep. So basically RFRA is going to come back to bite Christian people in the ass, which I think is fantastic. And I can't wait for whatever protest concept they come up with. The Satanic Temple. Just a quick suggestion, if Lucian Graves is listening, tiny little fetus bonfire with tiny little s'mores. Right? Tiny little s'mores is the name of my Rush cover band.

We're at Battle of the Bands this Friday. Please check us out. I thought it was tiny little fetus bonfire. I was going to vote for the wrong fucking band. I'm glad you mentioned it. No, don't. We hate those guys. We should be the same band.

I like their older stuff. Before they sold out. Before they were born. And in Velociraptor news tonight, pre-failed theme park mogul and man who spent his formative years vowing vengeance against his acne Ken Ham recently announced a new exhibit

coming to his Ark Park in 2017. According to his promotional tweet on the subject, among the many new attractions we'll have to look forward to next year is a diorama of the Roman Colosseum depicting soldiers fighting, wait for it, a horned dinosaur. Fantastic. Just Ken Ham yelling like Russell Crowe, are you not educated

moving the dinosaurs around curse your sudden but inevitable abiogenesis now let's just set aside the dinosaur for a second and don't worry we're gonna get back to it but before we really dive into that i want to point out that the big like coming attraction announcement about ken's ham new multi-million dollar theme park is a goddamn diorama right let's not just glaze over that ken ham wants people to buy tickets to the top of your nephew's dresser a display that may distinguish itself from hams only by being more historically accurate i personally have been told many times to stay away from other people's nephews so tickets in my case is what i'm saying point being

eli is happy to help your nephew get dressed from the top of his dresser without any tax breaks that's right some combination of those letters yeah which is as much as andrew will let us say wait what of course what which word if you're anything like me no let's not get into that what was he talking about no no so of course if you're anything like me your first thought upon hearing about this upcoming exhibit is why the fuck isn't ken ham making a movie because kenny boy i would watch the fuck out of some evangelical dinosaur battles and i think think I can speak for all of us, and I'm including the audience when I said that. We would roll out the red carpet for late antiquity park, bro. Get on it.

Oh, just make it happen. Pulling up, that's a big pile of tax dollars. And in satanic carnage news tonight, a Michigan man is in police custody this week after crashing into several park guards and pulling two fire alarms. And no, it wasn't me this time. But don't worry, he's got a rock solid defense. The devil made him do it. Oh, yeah. And just to be clear, it was the Christian devil. This is their fault. Say it, Obama. Christian terrorism.

Yeah. If Trump refuses to talk about radical Christian terrorism, the people on Twitter inform me we'll elect a black lesbian atheist. That's how it works. Yeah. No, you don't. And by the way, I love how tame this guy's devil is, right? Submit to me, my minion. Wreak havoc upon the human race by, shit, I don't know, pulling fire alarms. But not like when there's a fire, you know, like when people are trying to sleep in a hotel and shit. And you know what? I get it, right? Trump's president in six weeks.

Devil's basically got the Mission Accomplished banner up at this point kicking back having a smoke he's peaked he's just yeah right right so uh next week you guys want to turn everyone's dick into a pencil i'm used up i don't matter anymore that'd be cool i ran for 46 yards four touchdowns poke Bogey. Bouncing a basketball off a minor demon's face. So rather than go into the whole death of the auto industry in Michigan slash meth addiction that actually probably caused the problem, the unnamed man is sticking with satanic automotive intervention, stating, not quote, well, I know if I say act of god it won't get covered by insurance so what the fuck was i gonna do fucking geico blaming it on the devil so easy a michigander can do it you know as a native michigander

i take no offense to that whatsoever no we we push trump over the line and when you ask us like where in the state we're from we point at our hands like a toddler telling you their age. I get it. I get it. We say pop. Some stereotypes are deserved. Pretty much all the ones about Jews. You did start all the wars.

I knew it. I knew it. I told you that in confidence. So I just want to point out that this is actually not the first time we've heard this story this year, and it probably won't be the last, as long as we literally keep telling high-slash-mentally-ill people that a demon is the cause of all the bad things. But it does make me wonder why Satan always chooses people who also happen to be on bath salts to do his bidding. Whenever you hear about world leaders launching nukes and giving the devil any credit, any guesses? Well, yeah, that's because the rapture hasn't quite happened yet. Yeah, right.

Be careful what you wish for. By the end of the Trump administration, I feel like there's at least a 30% chance that joke's going to be more prophetic than funny. Yeah. It's true. We make fun of Jim Backer less now. Yeah, exactly. Well, they do make good coffee tables. I didn't know. I thought he was just

fucking around. And in where there's smokies, there's fire news tonight. Wildfires continue to rage across the state of Tennessee, burning through some of America's most biologically diverse ecosystems and destroying breathtaking landscapes that will take decades to recover. As of this recording, the death toll from

the fires has reached 14, though a number of people are still missing, and officials warn that number could climb yet higher all right guys comedy go well i want to know why we didn't cover this on last week's show well it's because they made christian mini starbucks pay taxes and that's important fires going out either way well that's true that's true yeah all right so no but i brought this up partly because like the part of the country that's burning includes three of my favorite hiking trails and i'm really pissed about that but also because scores of people sent me links this week to a cnn story about a tv crew covering the aftermath of the fires and spotting quote something of a miracle

end quote in the form of a concrete jesus statue that somehow managed not to burn to the ground like all the other stuff in the area that was made of non-flammable material. I mean, the picture of it that the video crew took shows like dozens of concrete blocks in the background that were also miraculously unmelted. And didn't even get all charred and smudgy like Jesus did. So I feel like, if anything, this is theological evidence of SpongeBob's divinity more than Jesus is, right? This is because after every natural disaster now, there has to be a miracle. And this isn't

even a good miracle. Fire occasionally misses wood stuff sometimes. Do that rather than fucking praying for healing from that Jesus you made out of asbestos in 1995. Right? Well, I think there's a lesson here anyway. If we're not going to make the airplane out of the black box, maybe a Christian airline

should try out planes made of concrete Jesus. It would be perfect. Load it up with Christians and then, yeah, I'm not allowed to say that. And by the way, if you're asking yourself, what are the odds that a material that has no melting point and doesn't really start to break down until you get over 1600 degrees fails to burn to the ground in a fire that burns at less than 1,500 degrees, they would be one. That would be, especially they would be one if Jesus was the Son of God.

But one way or the other, they would be one. And for the record, don't quote me on the numbers there. Apparently it's pretty much impossible to Google the temperature concrete breaks down at without winding up on a 9-11 conspiracy site. You mean 9-11 websites that aren't afraid of the truth? That's not what I meant. And in ass-horio memorial news tonight, a city bench in Oil City, Pennsylvania,

always a good sign, will be removed and replaced with a different one this week upon the realization that atheists are people? Huh. Are we? I feel like you're overstating the case a bit, but I'll hear you out. I'll give you your day in court.

Okay, good. Along the lines of the story. The bench, which was donated by the local VFW, originally had the inscription, and this is real, quote, men who aren't governed by God will be governed by tyrants, end quote. Wow.

I think that's from 2 Corinthiansinthians right oh okay yeah so aside from being a super fucking bigoted and assholey that that quote has nothing to do with dead soldier no not at all fact that was pointed out last month by the american atheist to which the city had at least according to the article I read, not planned to respond at all. Wow. Don't make us get a bench warrant. Bench warrant. Zing.

That's my one, sorry. Andrew will never recover from that joke. Killed him. And I mean, look, I'm not fooling anyone here listening to this show that like atheists are the accepted cultural whipping boy and even by other atheists like how many of us have gone like oh i'm not that kind of atheist okay nobody on this show but we've heard it we've heard it said beside the point the point is that you can bet sure as fuck that a bench that said the jews started all the wars which is actually a pretty fucking spot on comparison.

Right. Wouldn't have made it past phase one. And upon complaint, the complaining party wouldn't have to offer to replace the fucking bench and sue to get anything done. But, hey, we're assholes because grandma likes church. It's fine. And so we're replacing the bench. I love that we have to treat these people like a little kid with a Nazi doll. Like, okay, if you put down the swastika bear, we'll buy you five Transformers and an ice cream and a new – what the fuck?

I would take that deal. Is anyone else picturing Steve Bannon as a kid? I'm – And this actually gets worse. And this actually gets worse. Upon a reminder from, again, the American atheist that if you don't follow the law after nice letters, we will and can actually sue you. The mayor released this statement, which, again, you have to read in its entirety. It's too long to do here.

But it's so fucking unbelievable. The message is essentially atheists came to this town to pick on us because we're poor and can't fight back. Instead of like, sorry for the bigot bench. Yeah, well, right. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Those guys. So what he's saying is if he could afford it, he'd be more tyrannical. Gotcha.

That's interesting. Pretty sure that's ironic. Well, either way, the atheist tyrants proved that there's no god in oil city oh there you go yeah and as usual with these stories whether it's a ten commandments or a bench or a statue that they're gonna put up in the south tomorrow like an atheist eating a baby it's gonna be replaced with one that acknowledges not all soldiers go into battle with an imaginary friend and everybody in oil city is mad that we made them pretend hitler didn't have no jesus wasn't a proper memorial well but it might have

been so just in case quick before we accidentally trigger global despotism we'll take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife lucinda a man wrote the bible a horse which one if it's a legitimate race right cooking can be fun, I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. Ah, business as usual. I don't know about y'all, but for me, the last few weeks have been a mess. First, it's not going to be so bad. Then we get Betsy DeVos.

One moment I'm having a nice lunch. The next moment I remember that our vice president-elect tried to make it illegal to be insufficiently sad about an abortion. It's been a tough couple weeks. And I know I've spent the last few segments just trying to digest this new and terrifying world for y'all, but this week it's back to business as usual. And by design, none of my news items this week are Trump-related. It's back to good old-fashioned, run-of-the-mill, non-presidential misogyny. Feels quaint. Feels good. Like going to a high school reunion, except good.

First up this week, a terrifying peek into the world of an Orthodox Jewish woman through the eyes of one Katya Arya, who wrote an article for Richard Dawkins' website this week about the insane practice called NIDA. The practice is meant to assure that women are clean after their periods before they can have sex with their husbands again. And it achieves this by, I shit you not, how do I put this? Shoving a napkin up their hooch and sending it to the rabbi for approval.

So yeah, just remember, ladies, I've never been a fan of that. It could be so much worse argument, but you got to admit, any day where you don't send a vatkerchief to your rabbi for permission to catch the D could most definitely be worse. And speaking of discarded vaginal lining, our next story is about Pat Robertson talking about periods. It's one of those metacognition, mind-investigating-itself type situations here. Anyway, in the middle of answering a listener question about some family discord, Robertson cautioned a woman not to assume that her daughter wasn't speaking to her for a random reason.

After all, he reminded her, it could just be that her daughter was on her period. Yep, are y'all on the rag or something? Is actually P-Rub's advice for reuniting a troubled family. I wonder if we'll get to find out how that went for her. And while you picture Pat Robertson wearing a Letterman jacket and trying to rape Marty McFly's mom, I'll turn things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in the Crown versus There still being monkeys news tonight,

we have a story that will make the EU feel a little bit better about losing England. According to a judgment rendered last year but only made public this week, a divorced father was chastised by a British judge for exposing his children to evolution. And if you're asking yourself, would he give him a 10-pound note, you'll be pleased to learn that this really isn't any less stupid than that so two 10 pound notes to account for the new value four what is it now i heard they mostly barter now and yet i'd still take their health care i can get chickens i know where there's chickens anyways so here's the story. Mom and dad are ultra-Orthodox Jews, right? They get

divorced, and dad becomes a far more reasonable type of Jew, read less unreasonable. But according to their joint custody agreement, they have to keep raising the kids like a couple of Mennonites on a deserted island. So fast forward a few years, and you got mom going to the judge and complaining that her ex-husband took her kids to a museum in which they had the evolutions. And the only thing that makes this story newsworthy is that the judge agreed with the mom and threatened the father's custody over the crime of educating his children. Jesus, what the fuck is the dad supposed to do? He's just like walking through the park with his son.

All of a sudden he tackles the kid and covers his eyes like, sorry, some finches were flying back. All different peaks and everything. How would you accomplish this? how could you satisfy this judge one could also point out that the evolutions are everywhere the museum shows them a little more clearly but so does the fucking zoo anyways why do we have to take a new flu shot every year daddy i can't tell you that that's redacted by the courts because Because the old ones aren't kosher. And also, how is this worked out in the divorce settlement?

Like, I'm legitimately curious, like, how much was he allowed to teach the kids? Like, when they asked what time it was, was he allowed to use a watch? Or did he have to look at the sun? Got, like, a redacted textbook he's allowed to use? Yeah, right. Mom just goes through with a marker. No, none of this. None of this. And by the way, the judge isn't even hiding from the assininity of this opinion because the dad had the gall to

argue that there's nothing wrong with taking his kids to a museum and evolution isn't always contagious so the judge in in lieu of like knocking this argument down in his judgment says that the exposure to museum pieces are quote likely to prompt these bright young children to ask questions which if answered honestly would involve some explanation of the theory of evolution, end quote. And again, yeah, well, right. There's nothing wrong with this statement unless you're trying to use it as an example of a bad thing a dad shouldn't do. You know, if answered honestly, that right there should be a dead giveaway. Honestly, that right there should be a dead giveaway.

And by the way, other sins the father was being taken a task for include teaching his kids that babies grow inside women's bellies, letting them watch TV, and combing their hair even on the days that would piss off Jew God. Sir, did you or did you not encourage your son to gather sticks with you on a Saturday? We were playing pickup sticks. So it was multiple sticks. It was multiple. Custody revoked. But that's it. Show me on the doll where the bad man educated you.

Yeah. Now, the only possible defense of this bullshit is the idea that the parents agreed to bring their kids up stupid and the dad can't unilaterally change that. And as weak as that argument is,

I'm going to let the British Humanist Association tackle it for me here. Hey, they ended homeopathy in the North. That joke was just to hurt Marsh. I'm going to have to tweet it. Right, as you say, no one else gets it. He'll listen to it. Eli gets one listener

at a time pissed off. That's the goal. Anyway, in a statement on the anyway in a statement on the judgment bha campaign manager richie thompson said quote wilst on the because he's british and yes the actual quote is wilst anyway wilst on the face of it it seems to be an issue between mother and father it speaks to a far wider problem it remains the case that incidents like this simply wouldn't arise if private schools were held to the same standards as state-funded schools. End quote.

Adding, quote, this fellow and his children were failed by the education system, and now they've been failed by the legal system as well. End quote. Yeah, what we need here is a Brit with experience kidnapping children. Extensive experience kidnapping children. Extensive experience kidnapping children. Do we know? While you're listening, Marsh, if you want to put out a call. And in calling the kettle hack news tonight,

Christian, track and field coach impersonator and historian only by nature of that not being a legally protected term, Davis Martin, is back on our radar this week after taking bill o'reilly to task on the accuracy of his history books wow that's like eli correcting someone's map of lower manhattan or london or spelling pronunciation or punctuation or driving or moral inclinations or journalistic integrity or

proclivity for sleeping on a water bed which is way more comfortable than he's giving it credit for yeah you ever buy those things at the arcade and you're just like oh man i want to sleep on this by the way my pronunciation is fiend anyway look the fact that anyone is criticizing bill o'reilly's books is good because bill o'reilly's books are about as accurate as reading tea leaves. But it's one of those situations where it's like physician heal thyself or David Barton. So fake doctorate. So he'll nobody, even though that's not what doctorate means. Just don't tell anybody anything ever.

Not as catchy, but that's that is what someone should tell david and someone really needs to let him know that's not what doctorate means probably too yes so what happened did o'reilly claim there's fgm in iran that just queens have no clit because both of those things are true what i'm what i'm saying is tea leaves can be right like twice a day but reading the intention of the invisible ghost who created all the leaves, that's even more meaningless. Always, always, at all times, every day. By the way, according to David Barton, you stole that joke from Grover Cleveland. Well, according to David Barton, Grover Cleveland is a Muppet.

Believe it or not, this story actually gets better. Barton doubled down on this on his show this week wall builders while criticizing o'reilly he said quote if you have something that's factually shown to be wrong you need to go back and make the correction on it end quote and actually luckily for us yeah warren throckmorton made a short list of the things that David Barton, I'm sure, will be shortly apologizing for, including, but not limited to, and this list is so, it's a huge list, but I picked the best ones. His PhD from Life Christian University was not earned via actual academic work at the school. He never played basketball for Oral Roberts University.

He was not an official Russian interpreter for the Russian National Gymnastics team. The Constitution doesn't quote the Bible verbatim. Violent crime is not written almost 700% since the 1960s. And John Locke did not include in his two treatises 1,500

Bible verses on how the government should run. Would there even be 1 be 50 verses in the bible that can even apply never mind also rick never actually says uh play it again sam look out for supersized edition of wall builders next week i guess that's what we all deserve for voting for trump and finally tonight from the Honor Grilling file, according to reports out of Riyadh, Saudi Arabia, a photograph of a local woman

standing next to a restaurant went out on Twitter last week. And normally, if she wasn't also masturbating next to a singing cat, that would be the entire story. And she wasn't. Why would you set that up and not deliver?

Now I'm going to Google that. And 8 million results. I love Google. I want an Asian. Sadly, not masturbating but she was just standing there in a big black overcoat. But unfortunately, Saudi Arabia is a

ridiculous country and Islam is a super murdery religion so there's a little bit more to the headline after a few days the photo got spread around and now a whole bunch of people who follow the religion of peace are sending this woman death threats and calling for her execution because she wasn't wearing a veil and headscarf. See, and if it was because she wasn't masturbating next to a singing cat, it would be closer to making sense. I mean, I'm not saying that would justify it, but it's definitely closer to justification. Yeah, yeah. I mean, look, it sounds pretty terrible, but like, did she maybe criticize some video games? I'm just trying to think of how the audience might think it would be justified.

Skeptic. Yeah, so when you read a story like this, it's very easy to blame the victim, and I really don't want to do that. Yeah, let's not do that. So let's consider the situation from that side of the story, from the victim side. Thousands of Muslim men were brutally victimized when they were forced to go on twitter and see a woman's face and hair they had no choice in this matter you have to go on twitter and you may not look away when forehead porn pops up that's how it

works so of course this stirred them all up into a homicidal frenzy completely beyond their control and that's why this wanton instigator of a woman ended up getting threats on her life. Let's call a spade a spade. I get it. I get it. I mean, these guys do have a surprise coming, though. I follow PixieChixie36, and now I can't look at Twitter on the bus anymore

unless I'm jerking off. What I'm saying is Twitter's not all bad. What are we talking about? I get the fact that you can always look at Twitter. If they didn't want you to jerk off on the bus, they wouldn't put up those pornographic cartoons of handicraft people on the chair I sit in and refuse to get up. You ever

really look at those? They are naked. They are naked. I've checked. Strong agree. And just for the record, since we're trying to be sensitive to the victims here, let's not forget that many of these men didn't even directly reference murder or execution. They did that for her. In fact, a large group of them stayed very level-headed, as evidenced by the hashtag that went viral in Saudi Arabia last week. Loosely translated, it said, we demand this woman be thrown in jail, but nothing more.

Lock her up. Yeah. Gotcha. Yeah. Point being, all she did was go to a restaurant without the required lady uniform, and there were plenty of moderates over there who don't want to stab her with a machete over it. Well done, Saudi Arabia. Right.

No. Points. Points. So in honor of these reasonable Muslims who just got points, we're going to go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock. Looking for items at the Misogyny Cafe. Go. All right. All right.

Items on the not all menu. Gotcha. How about a double cheese burka and fries? Oh, I like it. I'm just thinking right out of the Gamergate, the Graz FGM. Or what about FGM Panadas? Oh, I like it. Similar, similar.

Well, see, I'm a big fan of the Brock Turnover, but they only come in date grape. Only the one flavor. I like it. More of a lunch item, but the Dave Rubin. Also good for a racist cafe or a transphobic cafe. Pretty much anything but white guys. All right. Let's see. This one's not a menu item, but I was thinking about a walkthrough window. cafe or transphobic cafe. Pretty much anything but white guys. Alright. Let's see. This one's not a menu item, but I was thinking

about a walk-through window. It would make sense for that cafe. But if you go to grab them by the pasty, you don't even have to wait. How about sexist pigs in a blanket? Well done. Alright. I got one more. What about the Cloak Madame?

It's the acid-faced club sandwich, basically. And since I'm starting to feel like this could get offensive if we let it go on too long, we're going to close out the headlines there. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Eli, life's the game. Damn it. When we come back, we'll balance out all the charitable work that we did with some good old-fashioned being mean to people. In August, we got together with Tom and Cecil over a cognitive dissonance in the hopes of doing a little good, having a little fun, and producing a bit of vulgarity.

And six segments over two podcasts later, we've proved beyond any doubt that you guys fucking rock. So, Eli Heath, are you ready for one last round this year of roasty goodness? I rape pygmies, Noah. I was going to say game on. See, you've been upstaged is what it is. I was confused about what you meant by roasty goodness. All right. Well, first up, we got a donation from Lisa, who would like us to roast Matt, who we met at the live show with her.

So, Heath, you drank with these guys. Have at him. All right. Well, I do feel bad. Matt and Lisa very generously bought me a beer, and it was right before we ended up leaving the theater in New York. It was very nice of them. It was delicious. It was an IPA.

But I had to drink it super fast and leave right away because the cab was right there. Now, that being said, apparently Matt sells AIDS to old people for a living. AIDS? And, yeah, that's what it says. And he looks like he always just raped a flapper 90 years ago also. But just, yeah. I'm just going to point out those two things. All right, next up we got a donation from Mike asking us to roast Christopher. And apparently Christopher's a drummer because he doesn't want to get any of the band pussy,

but he wants to see what that looks like close up. Mike also said he knows more about Mormonism than any non-Mormon should, which is clearly a reference to magical panty sniffing, if you ask me. And Eli, we also got a donation from Samantha asking us to roast their awful roommate, Ashley. Oh, Ashley. Ashley looks like the inspiration for every character Matt Lucas has ever done on Little Britain. Ashley looks like if she ever got pregnant, she'd choose to have it her way at Burger King. All right. Excellent. pregnant she'd choose to have it her way at burger king all right excellent next up we got a donation from amy asking us to roast mark and uh she sent us a picture of him shirtless holding a clearly

terrified cat they have refills at burger king sorry so um i'm gonna say mark we got a picture here yeah mark looks like the reason you shouldn't sell cats on Craigslist. It's a terrifying picture with the cat. Eli, we also got a donation from Antonio asking us to roast Brian, and he sent along a picture of him holding up a big fish. Oh, Brian. See, Antonio talked about you so nicely. I feel bad, but Brian, how do I put this? You have a suicidal face, bud.

You know what I mean? I don't know if this has gotten to your brain, but you should know your face is super eager to die. That's the expression. Also, they passed along a clip of your voice, and I'm curious. Did you actually swallow a baby and he does all the talking? Or are we still just waiting on Lefty to drop, buddy? Oh, God, dude. And, Heath, we got a donation from Danny asking us to roast Jason, and he included a picture as well.

All right. This one's fantastic. Jason looks like the before picture for everything they sell at GNC. And for most tattoo removal services. Oh, yeah. And for barbershops and shaving kits. Yep. All right.

I got a couple of challenges for everybody. Eli, we got a couple of challenges for everybody. Eli, we got a donation from Matt asking us to roast Steve and a donation from Marcos asking us to roast Scott. But I'm going to challenge you to do both in rhyme. Okay. Let's see here. So how to roast Steve is easy to see. He looks like he gets off to Chef Boyardee.

And while many might balk and call it low blow, Steve looks like he's on an impotence game show. But then there is Scott, who I'm told quite a lot, loses keys and things of that sort. Wanted to wait until marriage, but had to disparage. And after 12 years of dating, fell short. I mean, come on, Scott. Surely, if you come prematurely, at least have the good sense to abort. How'd I do? And they said that fine arts degree wasn't going to pay off.

See? See? You were right. Okay, Heath. We got donations from Zachary asking us to roast his uncle, who he described as the Marlboro Man, and from Michael asking us to roast Oscar Santana, a Bolivian immigrant who's a co-host on the Mike O'Meara Show. And I'm going to challenge you to do it while giving them directions to Soho. If you can.

All right. Well, please tell Eli that he can look up Soho if he wants himself, but I'm not going to do the research for him. Not doing it. Proof. Proof. Anyway, moving over to the roast. Oscar Santana looks like the middle management for the bad guy in every cocaine movie. And, uh, Zachary's uncle looks like a citizen in southern Arizona chasing around Oscar's crew with, like, a lasso.

Amazing. Okay, I got one for you, Noel. We got donations from Courtney asking us to roast her friend Jordan and Daniel asking us to roast his younger brother Elliot. But I'd like you to do it during an ad for our fantastic sponsors. Throw him a free one. Oh, all right. All right. Well, I'm glad you phrased it that way because I wanted to let Jordan know that with a Blue Apron subscription, far fewer people at Burger King would know that you once thought tattoo on my head was a good idea.

would know that you once thought tattoo on my head was a good idea. And, of course, to get hair like that, Elliot clearly used an incredibly soft Casper mattress, and the only way either of them is getting a Christmas present is through loot crates. So there you go. All right, gents, it's time for a quick spightning round. And the category is everybody left. So thanks to Caitlin, Claire, Travis, Jeremy, Joshua, and Terry.

You guys ready? Yeah. Guys, guys, guys, what, Joshua, and Terry. You guys ready? Yeah. Guys, guys, guys. What if this is too mean? What? Seriously? No, I'm just kidding. Let's do it.

Can you imagine? Okay, yeah. Gross. All right. Let's start off with Jody and Assad. Okay. Assad looks like Saudi Andrew Torres. That's an insult for Andrew Torres, but okay.

Jody looks like the lesbian hiker that he's prosecuting to get her flogged or executed or something. I wrote that fan fiction. How about Claire's brother, Jess? Jess is the sweetest chef, except he throws unsolicited dick pics instead of face. I'll take Jeremy H., who looks like Mormon Jim gaffigan cut his own dick off to fit into those jeans uh eli how about jeremy's friend tim uh tim looks like he's been confusing people's comments on his beard for compliments for a long time heath you got anything for joshua okay uh joshua looks like piggy from lord of the flies survived the head on the pike thing in the boulder and grew up

and started eating slightly less bread but but only slightly and uh the extra skin is still there and he gave us a picture of him in the caribbean with uh a very expensive prostitute who he's claiming is his wife but she's obviously way too attractive for him. Like, he could be the next president too attractive for him. All right. And finally, Terry's first chiropractor, who is also her religious bigot father and at least in the running for the worst person there is. This guy is an unapologetic evangelist for the anti-vax movement. And when he's not killing children with his stupidity, he enjoys misogyny, verbally abusing his children and complaining about which races are lazy and which aren't. And if you're wondering how far he takes his stupidity, I should point out that this asshole burned Terry's Harry Potter books for being satanic.

Now, look, dude, you can't blame J.K. Rowling just because Dumbledore's ambiguous sexuality gave you the uncomfortable squirts. So on behalf of everyone ever tricked into choosing you over genuine medicine, fuck you. What a frayed salmonella infested bamboo shoot you carcinogenic dick fungus and now with that asshole out of the way uh we got uh we got one more detail to attend to as many of you know uh last weekend i appeared on dogma debates 24 hour podcast-a-thon for camp quest and as an incentive to donate i promised to roast david smalley at the rate of one minute for every $500 we raise. And like always, I was caught off guard by your

generosity. We raised $5,310 and thus we're obligated to talk about what an asshole David is for a full 10 minutes. Now obviously, that's a tall order to fill. So I reached out to a number of our friends in the podcasting world and you would be amazed how many people were willing to sacrifice their time to make fun of david smart even before

i told i didn't even tell him it was for charity and then already i wasn't even done with the email more of a short order give me one second i'm gonna step out and order dinner real quick oh okay but do it fast though man everybody everybody's here so do it fast. Eli's going to order dinner fast. Wait a second. Relatively speaking. All right. So obviously, as you've already picked up, Kong disagreed to join us for this one. Tom, Cecil, how are you?

Roasting David Smalley time? I'm as erect as I get. All right. So Tom is partially erect. Good to know. And Cecil, how you doing, bro? So I want to step out. No, I'm just going to step out really quickly out of this roast thing and to talk about

sort of the combined good that the two shows that we have have done. We, in the podcast-a-thon, our two shows raised over $13,000 and we matched to the ACLU for $2,000. And if you count the vulgarity for charity our two podcasts since september have helped raise forty thousand dollars for charity and it doesn't say a lot about us but it sure as hell uh says a lot about the community that we're in and we're we're damn lucky to be part of it okay absolutely so uh so just to get back in the previous scheduled roast david smalley smells like someone used a corpse flower for a butt plug.

And of course, it wouldn't be a roast without our legal counsel. So Andrew Torres of Opening Arguments, welcome to you as well, sir. I am great, Noah. How are you? I am doing fine, sir. And of course, in an ever-increasing effort to work himself to death like a Japanese businessman, we're also joined by Thomas Smith of all of the podcasts not already mentioned and one of them that already was. So welcome to you too, sir.

Hi, thanks. Yeah, I'm recording another podcast as we speak. So everything I say here has to also work for that. So I'll figure it out. All right. And of course, we also have a special surprise guest. Of course, what would be a roast without the roasties? So please welcome as well the man of the hour, or the ten minutes, David Smalley himself.

Hi, Noah. Glad to be here. Oh, David. Yeah, glad you're here. I don't find you funny. Hi, David. Hi, David. Who the fuck are those two? Okay, all right, all right. Let's just go ahead and get started here. Wait, wait, wait.

Before we begin, I think we should have some humorful jostling of which you are all such fans. Okay, David. Eli Bosnick is a kike. Dirty kike that Hitler missed. See? I'm funny. We joke. Dude, absolutely not.

What? What? Did I accidentally swear? Don't tell my listener. Okay, look, why don't we all just calm down a minute? Seriously, who the fuck is this guy? Oh, okay. I'll have a Coca-Cola and a shot glass. Otherwise, I can't drink it. David, you know who Andrew is. I really don't, Heath. No, no. I'm Heath.

Look, why don't we just get going? I'm moving to California. You know, sometimes I sit on the beach with my feet in the sand. I look out over the ocean or a puddle. Really, any water. And I just love it. The waves. This is terrible radio.

The sand. And I think, you know who I'm just like? Bullet Bill? Napoleon's absorbed twin? Something to use for a condom demonstration in sex ed? Every single Christian you condemn? David Silverman. Wait, I'm sorry, you think you're like David Silverman?

Yep, two sides of the same coin, me and Dave. Or D-Dog, as I call him. D-Unit. He's the firebrand and I'm the gentle mother. He gives them a slap, a slap I so long to give to that kike Eli Bosnick. Whoa, not your word.

And then they come back to mama to suck at the teat of reason. David, you know, I really enjoy this whole podcasting thing, but I am a successful lawyer and I will pay any amount of money to you right now to just stop talking. Oh, you gentlemen wouldn't understand, but the burden I bear, it's not an easy one. No, seriously.

I have $62,000. I will give you $62,000. I will give you $62,000. When you raise funds like I do in this unparalleled manner, and you do it on your own. Well, wait a minute. Without the only atheist in the world who can sing, using nothing but the force of your will and your slaves. Jesus. Sorry, interns.

I was doing air quotes. It's hard to see because my fingers are pretty much three knuckles just stacked on top of each other. They really are. Anyway, enough about you. Let's get this roast out of the way. All right, great. Great. So what we're going to do, we're going to... Oh, fuck you.

Too far. Apologize. What? Holy fuck. He hung up. Did he hang up? Yeah, he hung up. Sorry about that yeah he hung up sorry about that guys i was ordering food and the guy on the phone killed himself what i miss wow that's three for you

of those yay strike out what i miss um david smalley called you the k word a bunch of times sounds about right we ready yeah yeah i know i don't know guys i mean i i get that you do a roast thing here and i respect and understand but i just don't i don't know that i am right to roast david small i mean how can i say something bad about someone who's given me so much i mean he he's really he's launched me into places i never thought i'd be out of the goodness of his heart i I mean, he he didn't need to do what he did. There was no reason for him to do what he did. But he did. He launched me further than I could have gone by myself. And I just refuse to say a bad word

about the man on while you're being recorded. Again, I was just gonna add, I have never really understood what David had against the term podcast, right? I mean, he has so much in common with one, right? He can talk to you even if you can't talk to him. You can carry him around in your pocket. You definitely can't take legal advice from him. And he keeps going even if nobody's listening. That's good. Let's listening. That's good. That's good.

Let's see. David prides himself on not swearing, which makes sense because nobody listening to him gives a fuck either. And he looks like a Nazi hobbit. Well, no, he does. Okay. But to be fair, Heath, you look like a Nazi human. No, he does.

And that is fair. Nonetheless. He looks like Jim Norton got a job guarding a bridge. He could be Louis C.K.'s

less attractive friend on a sitcom. This is impressive. He looks like he became a fluffer for gay porn because a clown told him he needs

to be this tall to actually be in the movie. And that's why when he's on a podcast, he won't let anyone finish. Oh, I see. It's a habit.

But I will say, though, in all seriousness, he does impress the hell out of me. I mean, he looks like Homer Simpson got cast as Mickey in the Broadway musical version of Natural Born Killers

and still manages to avoid humility altogether. I mean, if you think of anybody was susceptible to humility, it'd be a guy who prides himself on debate but has to settle for a defeated sigh in lieu of a rebuttal so often that he's taking it on as his catchphrase. But what the hell?

I guess when the stars in the Starburst are equally inaccessible, you might as well reach for both. Top show. David is the Ron Jeremy of atheist podcasting. Same physique, same body hair, same propensity to suck his own dick. He convinces an astounding amount of people to let him fuck them. He's only interested in the money shot. Amazing ability to convince people way out of his league to team up on him.

I mean, I guess the only difference is the medium, and since he works in audio, I guess we can call him Sonic the Hedgehog. Guys, in all seriousness, roasting aside, let's pause for just a second and recognize all the great work that David has done for our community. I think David would agree, and I know that he'd be the first to tell all of us,

that none of us would be where we are today without him. That work is important. And while it can be hard to find, primarily because it's hidden behind an elaborate series of paywalls accessible at this point only by quickly replacing an idol with a bag of sand. I think we know that David Smalley is really the driving force in our community, even if he can't see over the steering wheel. Where else can listeners go

to find the kind of humorless, long-winded size that our community so desperately needs? So even if he won't, I will raise my glass and toast Mr. Smalley because the only way I can get through an episode of Dogma Debate is drunk off my lower our glasses

that's the only way David can get through a Facebook argument too he waits for people to pour some out for their homies and just turns his face up oh that way we didn't call him a neocon now i'm not sure if that was 10 minutes but if ever there's a time to come up short it's when the subject is david smalley is that a height joke is that a premature ejaculation joke is it both you'll never know anyway andrew cecil thomas tom thank you so much for being so quick to agree to my request to make fun of David.

It's like you guys had response emails ready just in case. And it's strange that you guys all use that same phrasing of anytime, day or night, seriously, feel free to wake me up from a pleasant dream. So I really appreciate that. Thank you. And, of course, one more big thanks to everybody that donated. And a thanks in advance to David for being such a good sport about this and the flaming bag of poop thing that I'm going to do next month. Before we make like a tree this week,

I want to remind you that it isn't too late to get tickets for our live recording of God Awful Movies in Chicago. We're going to be joined by Tom and Cecil at the Victory Biograph Theater on Friday, January 13th. The VIP tickets have already sold out. General admission is selling fast, so act quick. We'll have a link to pick up tickets on the show notes for this episode. Also, Diatribe's Volume 2 is coming really, really soon. It's a couple years late, but soon. I promise. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister

show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a. long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, and a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting 24 hours later. Obviously, this episode wouldn't count if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for his tireless efforts, unrivaled wit, and detailed knowledge of the geography of southern Manhattan.

I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for suffering through three years of pained efforts to explain what we do for a living. I need to thank the inexha talented Lucinda Lusions for suffering through three years of pained efforts to explain what we do for a living. I need to thank the inexhaustible well of humor that is Eli Bosnick for allowing us so deep inside that hole. I also want to thank Tom Cecil, Andrew, and Thomas for helping us make fun of David Smalley tonight. I also want to thank Andrew and Thomas for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Incidentally, if you're not listening to Opening Arguments, you're missing out on one of 2016's best new podcasts. If you're curious at all about how the law works and you want it clearly explained by a Harvard-educated lawyer,

you can either get it for free on their show or pay some other lawyer $900 an hour. You'll find links on the show notes. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's paramount personages, William, Tiffany, Beetlejuice, Cale, and Jenna, Ed, John, Robert, Jeffrey, Bob, Zena, Katie, Laurie, Polly, Seamus, Megan, Dean, Donovan, Logan, Other, Robert, and Ryan. William, Tiffany, Beetlejuice, Kaylin and Jenna, who have enough sexual magnetism to wipe out a hard drive. Ed, John, Robert, Jeffrey and Bob, whose dicks are so suckable

the FDA makes them carry around nutrition information. Xena, Katie, Lori, Polysemus and Megan, whose wits are so sharp Harry's razors have approached them about the patent. And Dean, Donovan, Logan, other Robert and Ryan, whose erections can get sunburned at any time but midnight. Together, these 20 people, stars, word types, and warrior princesses have joined forces to battle back against the looming idiotheocracy

this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the fortitude, fortune, and fortified vitamins it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right

side of the homepage at skatingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but the last podcast you donated to broke your heart and you're not ready for that kind of commitment again, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes and by telling a friend or two about the show. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. All the music used in this episode was written

and performed by yours truly, and yes, I did have my permission. Give her a really look at those. They are naked. They are naked. I've checked. Sorry. Okay. Okay. Okay. I got this. I got this. That's the second time, time by the way but the other time it was my

line next so congrats ela you're on a roll tonight strong agree the preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in a thunderstorm llc copyright 2016 all rights reserved