The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 200 - 200th Edition

Episode Date: December 15, 2016

In this week’s episode, we finish the Quran and definitely do NOT burn our copies (please don’t murder us), we learn -- unrelatedly -- that you shouldn't burn a Kindle inside your house, and we’ll go long by thirty minutes, so hopefully there’s traffic. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To hear more from Morgan Clarke, click here: https://soundcloud.com/morgandclarke To Buy a Copy of Smile and Nod, click here: (Link not yet available. Check our Facebook page for updates) (All proceeds will be donated to Modest Needs) Headlines: New report highlights worst countries to be atheists: http://freethoughtreport.com/countries/ Math only works because Jesus created it http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/05/christian-homeschooling-advocate-reason-math-works-jesus-created/ Pastor tells kids Santa isn’t real, but Jesus is http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/11/a-christian-pastor-went-to-a-texas-mall-and-told-kids-santa-wasnt-real-but-jesus-is/ Christians mad that Highlights magazine says gays can be parents: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/09/conservative-christian-groups-condemn-highlights-magazine-for-treating-gay-couples-as-normal/ Go-Klings: “Zales Execs possessed by Satan” http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/gordon-klingenschmitt-zales-ad-execs-are-possessed-by-demons/ Ghanan bishop says power to make penis larger http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/07/ghanaian-bishop-says-power-make-penis-larger-youll-just-let-touch/ New app in spain lets you summon a Catholic priest to confess your sins http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/09/a-new-app-in-spain-lets-you-summon-a-catholic-priest-to-confess-your-sins-no-matter-where-you-are/ Christian charity refuses donation from bar http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/09/a-christian-charity-for-needy-kids-following-gods-advice-refused-donations-from-a-local-bar/ Lots of porn may become illegal in England http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/news/porn-websites-sites-pages-videos-internet-adult-uk-digital-economy-bill-a7433551.html This Week in Misogyny: BYU art student fails for filming a woman’s bare shoulders http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/05/byu-idaho-art-student-fails-assignment-daring-photograph-womans-bare-shoulders/

Changing a light bulb should be simple. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh-oh, that's not supposed to happen. Quickly submitting and tracking a claim on the Bel Air Direct app actually is simple. Bel Air Direct. Insurance simplified. Warning, this episode contains 50% more profanity than normal. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by our patrons for 200 episodes. Without you, we'd be the only ones laughing.

You're laughing with us, right? They're laughing with us. And now, The Scathing Atheist. Hey there, Noah. Hellbilly God here. I just wanted to give you a ringy-ding-ding and wish you a happy 200th episode. I always liked your name. I just wanted to give you a ringy-ding-ding and wish you a happy 200th episode. I always liked your name.

And even though I wrote a book that gives a completely alternate account, we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's December 15th. And episode 200, motherfuckers. I'm No Illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Scathing Atheist.

On this week's episode, we finish the Koran and definitely do not burn our copies. Please don't murder us. We learn, unrelatedly, that you shouldn't burn a Kindle inside your house. And we'll go long by 30 minutes, so hopefully there's traffic. But first, the diatribe. You know, I'm kind of torn. It's our 200th episode, and part of me wants to spend the diatribe talking about all the awesome shit we've accomplished over the last 199 shows. You know, don't get me wrong I'd cover it in a heavy coating of faint humility

and stuff, but after damn near a presidential administration's worth of production, it's hard not to spend a bit of time reflecting on how far this whole thing has come. But there's this other part of me and it's stronger and it wants to take the darker angle and point out the fact that we haven't accomplished a fucking thing.

And if anything, this nation and this world are going backwards. I mean, look, when we first started this show, there was this overwhelming feeling of optimism in the atheist community. Remember that? People were talking about how there may be no need for something like an atheist podcast in another couple of decades. And when you look at the horizon now, it's hard to believe that the need for our services is as ephemeral as we hoped it would be. I mean, you've got to be bending into some logical pretzels to argue the Earth's religion problem is getting better. The tendrils of Islamic extremism have since the 1500s. And back then, by the way, nobody had nukes. And while everybody's bumbling around trying to figure out what to do about the people who want to murder us for not believing in their God, meantime, the most secular countries on the planet are entertaining blasphemy laws so that their irreligious population won't be mean to the people who want them dead.

But it certainly isn't just the Muslims fucking up our secular future here, right? I mean, the Christians are still hard at work and showing some real gains. I know a few of our listeners are Trump supporters, but I don't get how a fucking secularist and a skeptic can be anything but terrified of the prospects of a climate change-denying, populist, conspiracy theorist in the White House with an avowed theocrat as his second-in-command. Now, to be fair, of course, I can't imagine how anybody can be anything but terrified of the looming inauguration, skeptic or otherwise, so what the fuck? But look, there's no doubt the power of the religious right is on the rise, even as they represent a smaller and smaller percentage of the population.

They have entrenched themselves in authority, sheltered themselves in exemptions, and bolstered themselves with privilege, all in an effort to insulate their power from the inexorable demographic tide. And that's why American girls born in this millennium are coming of age under a government that still hasn't definitively endorsed contraception. Boys born in this millennium are coming of age in a country that hasn't stopped blushing over the existence of porn. Despite the fact that the overwhelming majority of people in this country have no moral issue

about watching porn or taking birth control pills, They remain taboo because of archaic institutions that seize the reins of power in the Iron Age and have been reluctantly giving them up one threat at a time for the last couple of centuries. So yeah, there is a lot of good to point to. Gay marriage is a thing in America now. Our national conversation on trans rights is still backwards as fuck, but at least we're having a national conversation. Neither of those things were true when we started the show. You know, a lot fewer ass cheeks spend their Sunday mornings on pews than they did when we first debuted. You know, not because of us, of course, but as a general metric of the success of the atheist movement, that seems like a pretty solid one. More people say atheist when the demographers call them up now. That's a pretty

good sign. Multiple human beings can make their living just by making dick jokes for an atheist audience, and that's nothing to sneeze at either. So if I wanted to, I could wrap the last four years in a nice tidy bow and talk about all the amazing things that lie before us. But if I'm being honest, when I look at what lies before us, I see the fucking past. I see social progress being rolled back. I see old fights being I see social progress being rolled back. I see old fights being relitigated. I see rights we thought we secured slipping away from us. I see the path growing steeper and I foresee us slipping, fal get, but there are more of us on it now too. There are more of us to push, pull, and carry one another over the toughest parts of the climb. And as daunting as it seems, it still seems surmountable. And you know what? Even if it isn't, we're going to keep beckoning more people to the path. We'll keep encouraging

every arduous step. And when the people around us fall, we'll keep picking them up. And if we can't overcome the precipice together, we'll swell our numbers until our very weight brings that fucking mountain down. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are a couple of bicentenniates, Heath Fenwright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to pretend that's a word? Well, I'd say we enjoy spending time together, but I don't know if I'd call us a couple. Definitely a word, though, couple.

We don't like labels. We just have fun. We podcast. We'll see where it goes. Gotcha, gotcha. All right, so in our lead story tonight, local podcasters celebrate their 200th episode after recording 318 podcast episodes and continue to somehow do it for a living despite it being a grown-up version of me and my buddies are going to start a band.

Local pig farmers and cemetery groundskeepers are preparing for the celebration by increasing security personnel, digging defensive trenches, and otherwise investing in Eli-proof earthworks. A lot of people covering a plot of land with treadmills and people who don't like pugs. Corner next to Eli's house is using mung plugs. Yes, but he has been for quite a while. Now, a spokesman for a puzzle in a thunderstorm entertainment set of the milestone, a spokesman for a puzzle in a thunderstorm entertainment set of the milestone, adding, adding.

Meta. Meta. Meta. Ia. Meta. I am so obscenely proud of that joke. When asked for comment, all the girls in high school who said I'd never amount to anything assure me that this still doesn't count. But still, I wake up every day and I say,

which bodily fluid shall I compare Tony Perkins to today? And I have you, our wonderful and well-genitaled listeners, to thank for it. So, thanks for it. Seriously, we cannot believe how lucky we are. I mean, I'm going to wake up and go back to working in a toy store any minute now, but I'm enjoying the stream. It's a nice stream.

Well, a toy store with cameras everywhere. It was just confusing the way you said it. Good point. Good point. Anyway, in our real lead story tonight, the United... Noah, Noah, Noah. What is it, Eli? Well, so so i know this is like a surprise but there's something i wanted to do for the 200th episode this dude we

we talked about this well okay well you know how like when they do it they do like 200 so i put together a fun little clip compilation of some of my favorite moments from the past 200 shows i thought it'd be a nice dude please i really worked hard on it like i edited oh no okay all right no i'm sorry but fine go ahead and play it eli all right and away we go carly fiorina killed her daughter dude is is that it That's the whole thing? Yep. Heath loved it. She's a bad mom.

Good try, Eli. And in our real lead story tonight, the International Humanist and Ethical Union released its fifth annual Freedom of Thought report last week. And since we covered the very first such report all the way back in episode one, I thought it would be rather appropriate to revisit it this week, especially considering the subject of the diatribe. And in case you're wondering, no, it hasn't really gotten any better in the last five years. Earth still scores a D. Earth wants the D. Yeah, and Earth only gets as high as a D because you can't get below F on a letter scale. Right. D because you can't get below F on a letter

scale. Right. But if we score places like Bangladesh, numerically, that's like a negative 6 billion. So Belgium and Holland getting 95 can't really average the world out to a 70. So, you know, James Lindsay gets it.

I bet he does. He does. And I'd like to point out that there have been lots of think pieces on various atheist media, especially as it relates to the United States, about how like, yes, there are laws in the book in lots of places, but they don't really mean it, especially in the United States. And for the second week in a row, I'll just remind you that this is a category reserved just for atheists. There are no Jews can't serve public office in Georgia because if there were, everyone would freak out. Well, not so much in Georgia, but lots of other places would freak out probably. On their behalf. I stand corrected.

To be fair, I'm never counting Georgia. Well, and you know, look, there's something to be said for the argument that trying to get a state constitution amended over an unenforced law is a lot of effort for very little gain but if it was the like anybody but us there wouldn't be it would be a formality right but and of course there are still plenty of places in the world where those laws are actually enforced and just to give you an idea of how bad it is globally they include a map in the report that has five different symbols detailing the level of religious freedom in every country. The lowest rating is grave violations and 30 plus countries reach that level. Anybody care to guess which majority religion

all of them except China and North Korea share? A giant tub of popcorn at the movies. Keith! Dude, get your own. I ask every time. Do you want one? I just want a couple. And in own. I ask every time, do you want one? I just want a couple. And in chap linear algebra news

tonight, we have a story about the new vision for the American public school system now that Betsy DeVos is in charge. As you may already know, DeVos is a longtime activist for faith-based learning who doesn't get how learning works, nor how how learning works nor how knowledge

works no nor how the first amendment works and it appears her plan will involve wasting public tax revenue beyond what we're already wasting on teaching more religious nonsense to more american kids and we got a wonderful example last week of what this might look like from Israel Wayne, director of Family Renewal. That's a Christian group that lobbies for more homeschooling and a return to Bible-based education. And here's their philosophy in mathematical terms. This is actually what they say, not my words. Two plus four equals six because Jesus.

That's a real thing. At this point, Christians are just trying to sound like us making fun of them, aren't they? They're trying to make it impossible, leave us nowhere to go. They're trying to edge somebody out of the sideline. And I feel like of all the academic subjects Christians should avoid, this might be the top of the list, right? the academic subjects Christians should avoid, this might be the top of the list, right? I mean, according to their book, pi is three and three is one and one is legion. You could not possibly fuck this up more, guys.

Okay, you guys ready to find out why two plus four equals six because Jesus? Oh, please. Yeah, it doesn't matter. It's the rest of the story. So Israel Wayne explained it all in a recent article for Homeschool Enrichment Magazine entitled, Why Math Isn't Religiously Neutral. What? Secular worldviews can't make sense of math.

Christianity does. Oh, for fuck's sake. All that was the title. Wow. Yeah. First thought, look into some secular titling. Very good at that comparison. Second thought, that's fucking insane. The general idea is that all the, like, government atheist math teachers have been lying about

how math was formed by the Big Bang and a long period of numerical evolution. Instead, we need to be telling kids the real truth of how a priori knowledge was invented about 6 000 years ago by jesus christ well and and and look i want everyone listening at home or on the road or wherever to savor the stupidity of this for just a second before i point out that this is exactly the same argument as asking where atheists get their morals. I mean it's just a new form of it. We've got a naturally emergent phenomenon and Christians demanding an explanation of where it comes from. Like the morality question is exactly as stupid as asking where atheists get their denominators.

Yeah, which will be known by the way as the is does not equal eight problem. Yeah, it's catchy. I like it., as the is does not equal eight problem. Yes. Catchy. I like it. And here's my favorite part of this article. There's a graphic that's supposed to be the cover on a math textbook or something next to the article. And it might as well say, like, dear scathing atheists, we're ignorant from Christian homeschooling. Lampoon us now.

That's what I see. From Christian homeschooling, lampoon us now. That's what I see. So, first of all, running through the middle of all this, like, you know, algebra and geometry stuff on the cover is the monkey to man evolution image. Like you have on your math textbooks in your atheist public schools. But even better, the one thing they fucked up in the math part of the cover is the number pi. Really? They really did.

They show a circle with radius r, and under it, it says area equals 2 pi r squared. Fan fucking hell. Which is about equally wrong as saying 2 plus 4 equals 12 as a factor. And they didn't even get it biblically right wrong. No, right, right. If it's a pi times 4 equals 12, we'd forgive them, yeah. To be fair, these are people who are really conversant in those Facebook only 1% of people can solve this memes. So when they had to make up their own, they were really reaching.

Those order of operations are really tricky. Really rough. I don't know, kathy can you get it how many triangles are there you tell me and in no virginia there isn't a santa claus news tonight pastor and dramatic irony connoisseur david grisham jr made headlines this week for going to a local mall to scream at kids that Santa did not exist. Wait for it. Because Santa is not real and he distracts from Jesus who is. Then Willem from Mallrats starts yelling at him. Oh, yeah?

There is no Jesus either over there. That's just some guy on a cross. All right. Well, then who made sailboats? Willem's a mythicist. I'll take him better than Robert Price. He did? Anyway, Grisham, who our listeners might remember

for putting out a video in 2010 where he killed Santa by firing squad, posted the video on his Facebook along with a passionate rant about how evil it is to lie about Santa to hide the truth of Jesus, saying, quote, it is not your place to lie to children.

Tell them the truth about Jesus Christ, end quote. Adding, not quote, what? What are you guys laughing at? What? End quote. Okay, well well i think there's a business opportunity for grisham here i'm guessing it wouldn't take long to find plenty of priests to dress up like jesus and have kids sit on their lap in public without having to lie about it love this i mean look the kids always cry anyway somebody ought to derive some pleasure from the

whole ritual so yeah no i. No, I get it. The second good point. And when you're sitting down, people can't see your boner under your robe. Everybody wins. We're problem solvers here at Skate. That's us. That's on the robe. Actually, we're rebooting after this episode, so we're going to be the skew.

We're not rebooting after this episode. The milk chocolatey hatred over a Skype call anyways back to the story in the video a parent comes over and asks them to like stop screaming at the children and it should be pointed out that Grisham claims on his Facebook

page that after the camera was off he was assaulted by that parent however there is no evidence that that happened which i think we can all agree is a huge christmas bummer he had no shit he wanted fucking jay and silent bob dressed as roman soldiers or something and while we're on the subject of tolerating christians during the month of december a number of you have reached out to us lamenting the general lack of good atheist christ songs. So we hit up friends of the show, Anna Bosnick and Morgan Clark, to see if they could help us out in that department.

So before we get to the rest of the headlines this week, we'll take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Anna. The time has come when everyone in the family gathers round They're all aglow, hanging mistletoe Can't you hear that happy sound Of Christmas carols, hawk the herald round the fire we sit too bad you think it's all a crock of shit chestnuts roasting on an open fire significantly makes your carbon footprint higher

you spend hours at the mall in lines that barely even move to buy cousin Dan a jersey made by slaves in Timbuktu and when your great

aunt Edna tells the tale of virgin birth you roll your eyes discreetly turn away and hide your mirth it's the month we all pretend the family's

not at all. Tis the season to smile and nod. Gotta see that we're good and kind, says racist Uncle Steve. So let us thank him now before this meal we receive And he turns to you, says if you don't mind Join in prayer now if you please Conveniently forgetting all those starving refugees And even though you like to

argue wrong and right the mood around the table is of love and light it's all so warm and perfect that you quite forget

that after you've had one more eggnog they will start to fret when you say their Lord and Savior is a fucking bigot a vengeful

and evil God but for now you just smile and Morgan. And in From On Highlights news tonight, with Disney cartoons, Pokemon, and the Teletubbies having already drawn their unequivocal condemnation, one might suspect that Christian zealots are starting to run low on perfectly innocent things to lose their shit over. But that seems not to be the case, as evidenced by their collective nuttery over Children's Magazine and Way I Know I'm at the Dentist's Office highlights for kids

for their stated future plans of maybe including gay people in their cartoons. This is shocking, and their reader is in pretty major conflict right now, I'm sure. I wouldn't say conflict. That kind of makes me sound like an asshole. I'm just asking questions here. Like, is it a good business plan or not? You subscribe to a lot of children's magazines. Can I get your feedback?

I also wouldn't say reader. We're talking about a magazine that includes a picture by all the nouns. Anyway, groups like the 800-person Strong 1 Million Moms and the family decimating and un-American The American Family Association have called for boycotts of the magazine after a spokesperson for the group indicated that, in keeping with the magazine's stated purpose of diversity, future editions may include the depiction of same-sex couples. Not fucking, of course, just exist. I mean it's not like Goofus only focuses on the shaft in the head but Gallant works the balls or anything. They just want to acknowledge that they exist. Okay, well, now I'm boycotting.

I guess I'm not done holiday shopping then. God damn it. Also, exactly how small does one million moms have to be before they officially change their name to like 40 terrible bitches with ear-length hair? I feel like people would call us out if we started calling ourselves one million scathing

atheists. Yeah, just the three of us doing all the talking. Next week on iTunes, this is you. Valid. Now, in terms of new ideas for highlights, I am looking forward to those two pictures next to each other with the five subtle changes. Go look, mom. This one is butt sex, not hetero.

Circle it. I got one. See, I always circle the butt sex in my magazines. And in Zales Satan news tonight, religious rights activist, Colorado state rep, and Colin Mochrie with a dander allergy, Gordon Klingenschmitt, is back this week to let us know that the newest in a long long list of people he believes

to be possessed by demons are the actresses in and the executives who produced a recent Zales commercial I can't wait to see Alex Jones having a meltdown about this just weeping into the camera every kiss begins with gay.

We're going to hell. Not Jared. Now, Zales, for those listeners who are unaware or out of the country, is jewelry for poor people and found in malls all across America. And brings us a series of more and more desperately named engagement rings and honestly if klingenschmitt was making the claim that the chocolate diamond was the creation of the devil i'd find it hard to argue i had my whole list finished god damn it don't worry heath i don't have the kind of haughty taste and cock rings of baron von penny bags over here i'm sure i'll like it fine all right yeah my middle name is rosenberg i don't bite diamonds in the same place i go for hot pretzels well you know what maybe i've just got better

taste in pretzels counterpoint counterpoint however it's it's none of that unfortunately the issue that klingenschmitt has is that they recently featured a lesbian couple in one of their ads and that of course means that everyone involved is probably inhabited by the ghost of a fallen angel. Yeah, of course. Christianity, angry at love. That's their fucking message for this century. Fantastic business card for them. Right?

Klingenschmitt condemned the seeming approval of loving someone with the same genitals, saying of the actors or the company. It's not quite clear because he's a crazy person. Quote, they are deceivers. They are fooling the American public and we need to expose that as wrong. End quote. So be on the lookout for Gokling's new expose on how gay people aren't in the new year. Or you know what maybe we'll luck out and eventually his petunia will finally come along and he'll get off this shit and in all size matters news tonight according to recent reports out of the uk ghanian bishop daniel obanim is offering spiritual penis enlargement to his congregants via grabbing their crotches.

Now, just to be clear, those reports came from tabloid papers like The Mirror, so keep that in mind. But based on the video I saw, there's no question that at some point a large room of what appear to be African men were holding their hands in the air and getting dick fondled by a guy in a suit who looked a lot like bishop obanim and he seemed to be a very tender lover honestly so i can't imagine that none of the peens got bigger okay but just counterpoint i have quite a few videos with african men with their hands in the air while a man in a suit fondles their nether regions and i know they had nothing to do with religion hell a man in a suit fondles their nether regions and and i know they had nothing to do with religion hell i'm in a few of those videos i want to clarify don't be

confused and and by the way if you're sitting back thinking to yourself man like man those african congregants sure are stupid i would invite you to peruse the u.s sales of male enhancement supplements i mean i mean the american version of these guys, A, paid money, and B, didn't get their dick worked. So, yeah, these African congregants are stupid, but they don't hold a candle to us. Okay, well, now I'm not done with my Christmas shopping. Well, I'm not as

particular as Noah about supplements, so I mean, you're fine. You said you were going for girthy. Great. You ruined Secret Santa. We need more than three of us. Lucinda won't play because I killed a guy. So, quick background here. First of all, this story fits very nicely into the narrative of Bishop Obenim's career history.

In fact, offering to grow your penis with his hand is far less ridiculous and far less dangerous than some of the other things he's done. For example, in 2014, he was seen on television stepping on a pregnant woman's belly in what he claimed was an exorcism. Fuck. He's also claimed to be a literal angel, a human animal shapeshifter, and once made a passport appear behind someone's ear. And most recently, he publicly flogged a pregnant teenager as punishment for considering an abortion. Wow. So, all things considered, it's probably best if the bishop has a new hobby. That's probably it. Even if it's tricking

dudes into letting them grab their junk. I think that's way better. Step up, yeah. Sounds like we should be encouraging. Like, oh, good for you, man. Just leave pregnant women alone. Whoa, whole inch, great. Well, and I don't mean to endorse this or anything, but look, if he can press to digitate you past all the red tape and bullshit of getting a passport,

it's probably worth letting him flog your pregnant teenager now and again. The Eli Bosnick story. I have shame. One other quick note on what's happening right now as we speak. Realizing that Lyme disease isn't the best market out there, Eli just ordered a new box of business cards. And quick while a terrified woman from Vistaprint explains to Eli why they have multiple policies

forbidding them from printing what he wants them to print, we'll take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny.

Damn, 200 episodes, y'all. Okay, look, the boys won't do this because, well, it isn't funny. Or if they do, they'll jam it in at the outro, so I'm going to do it for them. Thank you. Thank you so much for 200 episodes of getting to laugh along and make dick jokes.

Thank you for supporting us with your patronage, with your friendship, and just by tuning in week after week. I have to tell you, we've gotten probably a dozen messages from folks this week who were in it from the beginning and honestly more than a few of you

feel like family at this point. Thank you for helping all of us do what we love to do for a living. We couldn't and wouldn't do it without folks who are as awesome as you are. Okay, enough of all this mushy shit, because we still have some misogyny to cover this week. Just one story for you this week, but it's from one of my favorite places to cover on this segment, BYU. That's right, surprise, surprise, the university named after the guy who

totes didn't want to marry a bunch of ladies, but God just made him do it, is having girl problems again. And since the theme of the diatribe was the more things change, the more they seem to stay the same, what better subject for this week than Waverly Giles, an Idaho art student who attends a college associated with BYU and who received a zero on her photography project because the model had bare, wait for it, shoulders. So when the quite reasonably confused Giles asked why the inclusion of clavicle invalidated her project, it was explained to her that her photography piece violated the school dress code. I shit you not, eventually the professor explained to her that while the photos were, quote, creative, it was, quote, so inappropriate she would photograph a naked girl. So a couple points here. One, the model wasn't naked. She was wearing a tube top. And two, and more importantly, there's an awful fucking lot of art that this asshole would give a zero to then, huh?

Sorry, Rodin, this motherfucker is going to need to think with some pants on. And while I get paper doll clothes for my art books in case we ever take a trip to Utah, I'll turn things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in no longer a juber news tonight, a new smartphone app

developed by... I'm proud of that one. A new smartphone app developed by a priest in Spain allows you to summon a confessor to you wherever you are so you can confess your sins and not go to hell. Fantastic. It's Easy Pastor the app. I love it. Yeah, this is like finding the ISS with a sextant.

Well, actually, it's more like finding a sextant with the ISS. But the point is that these two centuries don't mesh. They don't mix together. Which makes sense since I don't understand what either of those words mean. It's pronounced ISIS now. The app, which is actually, really, actually fucking called Confessor Go. Really. Works just like uber the app also allows you to

check out the basic information of the priest coming to you which is good because and this is saying a lot a priest is the only rapier person i can think of to summon to your home than an uber driver like literally the only one so it's kind of like Grindr, too. For kids. Like a rapey Grindr. Wonderful. Rapier Grindr. Yeah, exactly. Grindr is a rapey Grindr.

Yeah, right. I've heard. So with that in mind, I'm pleased to announce, along with our reboot as The Skew, for our 200th episode, the reveal of our very own app, Limer. Dude, no. That's right. Available in the App Store now. Heath, do the music. Dude, no. That's right. Available in the app store now. Heath, do the music. Heath, don't do the

music. Limer, Limer. Chronic Lyme disease got you down? Well, introducing Limer. The new app from Puzzle and a Thunderstorm that takes the hassle away from having someone fuck it right the fuck out of you. Simply enter your location and summon a Lyme

disease fucker in minutes. No, none of that. None of it. Limer, because when life gives you lemons, get Lyme. That doesn't even make sense. Dude, how many people have signed up for this? So far, just Heath. And I've been waiting for like half an

hour. One star. Average of one star. I'm gonna rape you. And in bar nun news tonight, a church-run charity in Champaign, Illinois made headlines this week when they refused donations from a local bar because it was a local bar and they're too damn Christian.

Dixie Cole, owner of Cole's Corner Tap in Peoria, Illinois, and person named by parents hoping for a lasso-related profession, held a fundraiser at their bar where they offered a free drink to anyone who brought a toy to donate to a child in need. Upon completion of the charity drive, she attempted to drop the donations off with Operation Sleigh Bell, a Christian charity that serves as the middleman

between free toys and poor kids. Or at least theoretically serves as, because according to Dixie, she was told to take her toys and go home as the group would not accept donations from any bar. What the fuck? You almost want to show up at a homeless shelter on Christmas and show the kids all the toys that Operation Sleigh Bell denied them.

Like, start handing a kid to a toy and then pull it back, do the hair fixing move. Sorry, this is a heathen teddy bear. You can't have this. However, if Dixie would like to feel better, if you think being a bar is bad, try pitching an atheist charity roast for four months straight. No shit.

Oh my gosh, we don't do that. And for me, look, where the fuck does the Bible condemn bars? When asked about the proper Christian attitude towards alcohol, Jesus, a source close to the Christian religion, turned water into fucking wine. Yeah, if money spent on toys instead of alcohol was not allowed, every kid in my Irish Catholic town would have had nothing on Christmas. Right. Ridiculous.

If you're not picturing a nine-year-old swaying heath loudly singing Wheels on the Bus, you're not the audience. Wheels on the bus,'re not the audience wheels on the bus go fuck you no I was the town atheist but we were poor that's why sounds gross

so yeah the assholes with this charity decided that the needy kids counting on them would be better off with fewer gifts under the tree if those gifts came from the belly of sin. When asked to justify this bullshit, Henrietta Dinsler, a volunteer who coordinates the program for Dayton Avenue Baptist Church, said, I shit you not, quote, I just felt the Lord leading me to turn down the donations for a bar, end quote. Fuck you. Voices in her head told her to do it.

And finally tonight, from the Suck My Cockney file, British Parliament is currently discussing a new bill that would ban a large chunk of porn categories from appearing on DVDs. In particular, it targets all the fun stuff, honestly, like menstrual blood, quadridigital stuff, pentadigital stuff, polydactylizing, fist bump, the fist of fury, the fist of legend, honoring the fist responders, the knuckle puck, the trilateral commission, gleaming the cube, the electric boogaloo, thatchering, clotted cream pies, the Manchester molester, the Andy Wilson's war crime. Same thing. London fogging, London Bridging.

They're not exactly the same. I'll explain later. And everything they did in Rod Shave the Queen also. So basically all the stuff that would autocomplete on my browser if you started pressing. Also Happy Scrappy Hero Pop. Right, right. And plus something called Female Ejaculation, which I feel like they just made up to cover all the ages. But either way, like lots of good stuff is off the table now. Also, but the big question I have coming out of this is who the fuck has porn on DVDs?

What century is this? Britain is 10 years behind. Remember, they still put minutes on their phones. Hit their wives. At first glance, this bill looks like it's trying to protect performers. They don't allow the portrayal of non-consent or certain kinds of sexual violence. But it also includes like face sitting. A rule, by the way, that when the bill was first announced a few years ago, adult film enthusiasts protested with, yes, a face sit-in.

Google it. It actually happened. That's fantastic. sit in. Google it. It actually happened. That's fantastic. And that, by the way, is exactly what Black Lives Matter is missing. Right? I mean, nobody

would bitch about them blocking traffic if there was face sitting in it. Come on, guys. Get with it. Take the feedback. Also, on a serious note, like, sex trafficking is a huge problem in porn, and it's something you can absolutely make better by paying for your porn i know it is crazy but you listen to this show you can fork over 9.99

a month to support the people you jerk off to i mean i assume that's why you're already patrons of this show so seriously though this one is silly it's only getting pushed because it's like theresa may's darling but pay for your porn so uh i'm not paying for porn um the new proposal is called absolutely not happening the new proposal is called the digital economy bill and just to be clear several of those things i listed are really getting banned if the bill goes through right that includes the menstrual blood the squirting and possibly my favorite detail about this story they're going to actually have a four finger rule what that's really heavy it's just like it sounds just like it sounds they want to put a finger ceiling of four on each individual orifice.

High level British politicians are currently haggling over the proper legal maximum for like a finger to ass ratio for each ass. In weeks. Right. As in like, Lord Kensington, you're being ridiculous. If you hold him like so, it would be – And I'd like to reiterate my objection to any limitation that isn't based upon the soys of the fingers and the capaciousness of the asshole. Suddenly Donald Trump and Eli are getting subpoenaed by British Parliament. We spend too little time talking about the capaciousness of my asshole on this show.

And we are going to fix that on the skew. Capricious and capacious indeed. Both. Yes, absolutely. Anyway, there's clearly a controversy here but unlike you might assume the majority of the opposition it's not about the particular images that would be banned

it's actually about the provision that would require porn sites to prevent underage visitors by verifying the identity of all their viewers. Oh, shit. And this issue clearly popped up when every single adult in the country realized this would mean porn sites keeping official records of everyone's specific identity and viewing history. At which point the entire UK basically looked around at each other, got awkwardly silent for a second, and then all started yelling objections in a funny accent. You know, like a lot of people, I live in terror of my porn history going public. But I feel like I do it for a different reason because we talk so much shit on this show that I feel like people would be horribly disappointed by how tame it was.

You know, they'd be like, what's this shit? First time lesbian and girl on girl massage? I've been lied to. Just at ReasonCon with someone holding up a printed out thing. I just cleared my history. It was shit sipper seven last week. All right. So we obviously have 30 seconds already on the clock.

Of course. Can't believe we haven't done this one before, honestly. We're looking for British porn titles quick before they're gone. Go. All right. Andy Wilson's home movies. They have all the stuff you mentioned, especially the war crimes. Okay, stole mine, stole mine.

Clotted with Cream. Proper fucked. Brexit only. Union jacking it.aluing the pound another brexit joke for queen and country okay but only if you leave out the o my wife assures me i always do all right what about the big ben cock work Orange? Fucking Amphalus. Tales of the Royal Jewels. Charles Dickens and Charles Dickout. All right.

Let's go for it. About two earls, one cup. That is the best thing. We should stop the show now. Cancel the relaunch. This should be the last thing we do. It's never going to get better. We are making that video.

Eli, what did we say about telling the listeners it's all downhill from here? Don't talk about nihilistic entropy on air. I got it. God. All right. So while we revisit some key components of the whiteboard, we'll bring the headlines to a close. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Mike Pence.

And when we come back, we'll open up the Quran for the very last time. Didn't say what. It's just a game. You don't know. Hey, Noah, I got the impression you didn't like my last compilation, so I decided to do another one. Since last we spoke? Yes.

Dude, we've got so much stuff to get in this week. Okay, so I worked really hard on it. It's like I worked really. All righty. No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Go ahead. Go ahead. Okay.

This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by That's Why. And if it was because she wasn't. And pulling two fire alarms. How do I put this? And that's pretty much the entire story. And yes, I did have my permission. Eli, aren't those all from the same show? Yeah, last week.

And aren't they kind of random? I mean, I was going for minimalist, but sure, same thing. Not really at all. Eli, you put that together during TWIM, didn't you? Yes, I did. As many of our listeners know, scathing, the Skeptocrat, and God-awful movies are only part of Heath's podcasting passions.

So since it's the 200th episode, and since he's asked multiple times, we figured we'd offer a long-overdue crossover episode with Cooking Ramen with Heath. Put the oil in the pan. The oil is in the pan. Exactly.

Baked chicken Italiano it is. I'm really getting to the swing of things. Let this be my... In a fight against injustice, there's a man who fights for truth. He's got one goal and he's got one call. Let the cooking world ensue. He's got one goal and he's got one call He likes cooking noodles and soup He doesn't miss that you call him God He keeps his soul within his cheese

He's just here to help you make noodles and soup He's cooking ramen, cooking ramen Cooking ramen with cheese Hey, so today we're making the chicken one. You open up the package and take out the flavor packet. You're going to need that. Now put the noodles in the water, you know, until they're done. And then they're done. So after that, put the flavor packet in, and there you go.

Chicken ramen noodles. Chicken ramen noodles. Gentlemen, Andrew. Hey, Andrew. How you doing? Hi. So how can I help? Well, you know, we just wanted to stop by and thank you.

As the newest member of the Scathing Atheist family, I mean, you know, we just got to the 200th episode, and we just wanted to drop by and extend a little token of our gratitude for you being part of the team. Oh, guys, that's really sweet. Thank you. You didn't have to do that. Yeah, we know you like scotch,

so, uh... I want to give mine. Dude, no. We talked about that. Dude, I thought you said you were gonna hide it from him. I did hide it from him. I was only pretending to be asleep. Andrew... God damn it. I wrote a thing. As a token of our appreciation, I have

saved my last two years' sneezes and I want to give it to you. Why? Because God bless you. Wow. Eli, that is... I am so sorry. We really thought we were doing the scotch thing. Okay, well, don't be shy.

Go on. Open it. You want me to open a jar of sneezes? You don't have to. Genuinely, you do not have to. Maybe, what are you doing? What? Don't go in for a kiss.

I misread that moment. I thought you leaned and I... Eli, Eli, get in the car. Sorry, Andrew, but happy 200 episodes. Maybe we'll do Scotch on the 250. Yeah, really, really sorry about that, Andrew. I have questions about the age of consent in Chicago. Eli, Eli.

Get into podcasting. What fun. Oh, yeah. Oh, those guys from skating. They're so funny. This will be great. This will be a nice change to my routine. They're so fun to work with. I have regrets. As we've noted before, the surahs of the Quran aren't ordered chronologically or by theme or alphabetically or anything like that. They're more or less ordered from longest to shortest, though they're not even strict enough about that to claim it as a basis for their logic. But that does mean that we're going to be knocking out a full 35 surahs this week, but none of them are longer than a slightly complicated shit, so don't worry. It's not like we're going to be doing this for the rest of the show or

anything. Because Noah has turned down my idea of taking a slightly complicated shit on air several times. We do lots of editing. We really do. And we are not welcome back at that hotel in Edinburgh. Okay, well, why did they call it a wastebasket then?

That's not on me. And, of course joining us in the celebration of no longer voluntarily slamming our mental dicks in the door is my lovely wife lucinda lucinda sorry for the implication that you have a mental dick no problem i never have to read the fucking quran again nothing is bothering me today no kidding well look i've been looking forward to saying this for a long time, but let's say we polish this book off tonight, y'all. All right. So we're going to start off with Surah 79, the Pluckers, wherein we learn that Muhammad is still arguing with his disciples

about how the dead bones coming to life thing is going to work. You've got to imagine that he must have spent like nine or ten years of his life just walking into the office every day to some guy going, okay, okay, wait, wait, wait, but what if your arm got caught off before you died and it was eaten by a dog, but then the dog drowned in the ocean and God didn't know where it was? That's why God invented boats. Well, and obviously we're not going to point this out every time. It happens in 35 surahs, but we're all of 15 verses in before Muhammad says, and I quote, have you heard the story of Moses? We would have gotten this far without it.

We also get another shout out to the earth being flat here where Mo says, after that, he spread the earth. And for those who send apologetics, a quick reminder, I've spread just about everything and spheres don't spread. You need to. You need to. Yeah, but hold on. Hold on. The earth is an oblate spheroid. So Eli's wrong and I'm a Muslim now.

Muhammad nailed it. And it's the little details of this book that I really love here. Like in Surah 80 where he points out that on Judgment Day, all the bad people will go to hell, blah, blah, blah, blah. But he also points out that our faces will be all covered in dust. So like that will be itchy probably I guess and damned and itchy. Take that, sinners. Fuck you guys. This is another one of those weird repeated spots.

He says their faces will be dusty and then the very next verse is dusty faces just wanted to reference that by itself and again everyone who is at the london show knows i'm way ahead of you eli one coran zero crushing and then we get more apocalypse description where he talks about the sun being folded up and the seas catching fire. And to really drive home the anarchy of it all, he feels the need to add no one will even be tending to the pregnant camels. And you know all the scribes got super quiet like, oh, shit, nobody's going to watch the camels. That's some real shit right there.

Sun went out last week, but the fucking camels. Hell no. The sun went out last week with the fucking camels. Hell no. By the way, this verse was vastly different in my two translations in a terrifying way. One of them says, when the pregnant she camels will be neglected. The other one says, when the relationships are suspended. What?

Holy shit. You know, for Moe, same-sies. What? Holy shit. You know, for Moe, samesies. Also, in his list of bad things that will happen, he includes, quote, and when the girl child that was buried alive is asked for what sin she was slain, end quote. So weird. And I got to say, even for the apocalypse, digging up a dead little girl and going, what did you do, is weird.

Arousing, but weird. Oh, God. That's just nasty. And in terms of narrative, it's a letdown that she doesn't answer. Like, we want to know why she was a bad girl, right? And I'm erect again. You're welcome.

Also, I'm sorry here, but Muhammad cannot agree with himself on what happens to the stars during the apocalypse. He's got them blinking out, falling to earth, being used as anti-demon missiles. And in Surah 82, he has them being scattered when the sky is cleaved asunder. Yeah, and apparently Muslim God doesn't know that the sun is a star. Because the stuff that happens to all the stars doesn't happen to the sun i mean i know it was drew god who made the light at the beginning you figure he sent a memo to the other ones like a

with a venn diagram or something explaining how this works nope yeah i feel like the last two surahs have really just been for atheists to point to and go man mo didn't know like anything about how things work did he not even like at the time. Apologetic of this. I love this amazing line from 83. He says, indeed, the record of the wicked is in the Sijin. And what would make you understand what the Sijin is? It is a written record. Okay, first of all, we do that just for, we can imply that,

but also like it turns out the thing that would make you understand is a two-word definition you know odd that you'd have to sort that one out aloud muhammad yeah it's a really weird construction he's saying how could you understand this sentence i'll tell you it's the next sentence writing this now i mean before the last sentence. The anti-penultimate sentence, not counting this one, explains the ones before it. I'm a prophet of God. And no one can write better than me. This is a perfect book.

This book is clear. Exactly. Also, I hate to go on about it every time this book tells 1.6 billion people to kill me. But in verse 12 it says that the only people who would deny the Muslim apocalypse are evil aggressors whom the readers repeatedly encouraged to murder by the way right wait

i don't know have you read the quran well yeah do we we all have now uh in arabic no that's the rest of our lives that's the rest of our lives now the moment we have this conversation this is what we did this for i feel like languages need to be really clear on their word for genocide there's a reason that has only one definition in most places it's like super important oh and quick word of warning here if you should find yourself in the muslim afterlife when they start passing out heaven hell assignments don't take it if they try to give it to you with their left hand or around their back. Yeah. Don't do it.

That's so fucking weird. Yeah. For two reasons. First of all, why is this guy like hot-dogging it and making fancy globetrotter passes? Right. You're a Muslim heaven worker temp. Just take it down a notch and stick with the fundamentally sound chest pass. Also, why would they tell us that loophole right now everyone knows that if the guy tries to hand

you the diploma lefty or behind the back you just like kick him in the balls pick it up a floor and run inside heaven real fast and by the way if you want to read one single surah and kind of get the whole quran experience may i recommend surah 85 which is the perfect generic surah and kind of get the whole Quran experience, may I recommend surah 85, which is the perfect generic surah. It's basically, it says, remember all that ass we kicked? That was awesome. They deserved it. Heaven's going to have great couches. Did I ever tell you about Thamud?

Deniers are going to burn in hell. Now, if you'll excuse me, my wife's going to be pubescent any minute, and I've got shit to do between now and then, so can't stick around. shit to do between now and then so uh can't stick around and it seemed like muhammad was trying to impress the scribe with good grammar here but obviously still failing at one point he starts a sentence with who comma to whom what like it reminded me of the cheers episode when sam's supposed to write his memoirs she's trying to get diane to, and he says, you're a pretty good, well, writer. Doesn't go well for my heart here. Man, I was so bizarrely conflicted in Sir 86, too, because it's called That Which Comes in the Night.

And I'm thinking, okay, nocturnal emissions jokes, here we come, right? Except that's actually what he's talking about. And my sperm jokes felt premature here, and now I feel bad for giving Noah shit. That never seems to happen for me. Everyone's ugly in my dreams. Stop dreaming about me. Well, not just that, but he

tells us that sperm is a, quote, gushing fluid that issued from between the loins and the ribs. I'm pretty sure that's not where come comes from. I mean, I don't know a lot. Where did you guys hear from your dad that it was from? I just want to make sure we all know.

Not where it comes from? Just me. He also wraps up this verse with, quote, Lo, they plot a plot against thee, O Muhammad, and I plot a plot against them. So give a respite to the believers. Deal thou gently with them for a while. Can you picture Allah stroking a white cat while he says that?

Pretty much everything that he says. We also get Surah 87 the most high which is about me trying to make it through the last 28 surahs holy shit this is the whole thing i was like who gets a bong rip if he gets to surah 90 you do that's right noah good boy and then that motherfucker takes away our soup in verse 6 of surah 88 it says they shall have no food but thorns and i was was promised fucking soup, goddammit. I want my scalding soup. But it gets even worse because in the very next verse, he says of those thorns, quote, which will neither nourish nor satisfy hunger, end quote.

So we just won't have any food. I mean, why would we eat the thorns then? Spoken like two non-vegans. You ever eat a vegan cake? You'll beg for thorns. You'll like two non-vegans. You ever eat a vegan cake? You'll beg for thorns. You'll beg. Thanksgiving 2015. Family friend's house.

Vegan pumpkin pie. I'm not welcome back there. I'd rather eat a raw pumpkin off the vine like an apple. I can see you doing that. Pretty much the same thing. And now it's on to Sura 89, the break of day or the dawn

and I couldn't tell you what this Sura is about for a bucket of nickel. No. That's a weird expression. Like dimes would work? Maybe. Offer me some nice chocolate diamonds from Zales.

Those are purdy. Now in S in certain 90 we're presented with a new apologetic which is probably best phrased as if there's no god why don't you only have one lip right right and you know someone at some point in history has read that and gone hey that's not nice but here's the. We do only have one lip. It's like a fully connected loop. There's upper and lower parts of it, but we decided to make it plural. Like, if there's no God, how come nobody wears only one cloth? And then, of course, we're traded to a God's favorite she-camel sighting in Surah 91. That was nice.

She-camel for life. Hell yeah. And in verse 92, Moe is going to point out to us that anybody that doesn't share is super greedy. Not saying who they should share with, but just greedy people are going to be burning fire forever. NBD. No big deal. How's that Twix scribe? Good? Yeah, they give you two pieces

so you can really enjoy that second one. Looks great. I just want to give credit where credit is due. Surah 93 is pretty much good. It's uplifting and moral from start to finish. Granted, we had to wait until the surahs were only two paragraphs long before we

found one like that, but we did find one like that. It's like the Where's Waldo of the Quran. Hey, you reading the Quran over there? Yeah? Surah 93? No? Go fuck yourself. Stop killing Jews. And in 94,

the expansion of breast consolation patients, Mo tells us that isn't he the one who lifted our burden and helped us rest? I feel like this was like a love poem from Mo's high school that got stuck in between pages

and he didn't want to admit it. He was like, no, that's for the Quran too. But if you were Ashley Mitchum and you read that, you would totally break up with Aaron Shank and date me instead. Those are real people's names. I figure they were. They do not listen to this show, but those are humans.

Eli Shank forever. We also get Surah 96. And apparently this was the first Surah revealed to Muhammad. Yep, the inspiration that started it all. Yeah. Right, right. And it's called the clot, which isn't super promising. And if you're thinking to yourself, I wonder if this surah will claim the human start as blood clots.

Congratulations. You've been paying attention. And again, look. Gross. Quran apologists have to overlook a chapter named after how wrong they are to cherry pick the one or two verses where Mo kind of sounds like he knows how babies work. Right. And the apologetic here is when you get to hell

he'll grab you by the forelock. And when it's a star like Allah, you let him do it. But according to Islamic apologists, the forelock is the prefrontal cortex which is where all, like, lying and bad stuff is.

That's the apologetic. Oh, see? Forelock. Wonderful. Alright, so we're towards Surah 98 here, and he's almost right once towards the end. I had such high hopes. Surah 98,

clear evidence, starts with Moe admitting that people need evidence to believe shit. But then he goes completely off the rails. Quote, The deniers of the truth from among the people of the book would not desist from disbelief until they have clear evidence.

A messenger from God reciting to them pure scriptures containing upright precepts. So close, Mo. So close. Look, look. I know what you're thinking. You want some proof of peer-reviewed epileptic married to a child. I did.

I think it's called voyeur in this context, though. People are going to click on the peer-reviewed category. And for these shorter stories one of his favorite formulations seems to be what is the blank oh i don't know how to explain the blank to you what with you being too dumb to comprehend the blank but i totally know what the blank is yeah most stealing my trick of when noah uses big words and noah's trick of when i reference anything after the 1980s 1994 It's 1994, thank you very much. Okay, so Arabic is a fucked up language.

We mentioned this before. They have multiple translations for genocides. Very tricky. Here's the first three verses from the clear and easy to read English Quran. The shocker. What is the shocker? What will explain to you what the shocker is?

The actual minutes of British Parliament now. And by the way, if it seems like we're plowing through a lot of surahs at this point, I should mention that most of them are like literally one sentence long at this point. So skip ahead, skip ahead, skip ahead. Yeah. Oh, and if ever there was a surah that demanded more explanation, it's surah 105, the elephant. This is it in its entirety, okay? Quote, have you not seen how your lord dealt with the people of the elephant? Did he not foil their strategy and send against them flocks of birds which pelted them with clay stones?

What? Thus he made them like stubble cropped by cattle. End of quote. Holy shit, do I have questions. What the fuck is going on here? I know everything I need to know. You need to be on the inside scene.

Okay, Lucida, I think I know what you're wondering about. You're thinking clay stones would be impossible for a bird to carry without a hush, right? But it's not a question of whether birds grip it. It's all about weight ratios, I think. Stones and the elephants. And then in Surah 107, the Neighborly assistance or small kindnesses, we learn here that only religious people do nice things.

Fuck. Mo found out that modest needs just goes right to my PayPal. Damn it all to hell. Made a website and everything. Fuck that dude. And then we're right in the middle of the wrap. A bunch of 26 word surahs about, hey, don't fuck orphans and people who have different religions suck. He singles out what struck me as a single guy named Abu Lahab and spends a surah fantasizing about his getting burned to death.

Well, you're right. And I'm pretty sure that's Muhammad's uncle, actually, Abu Lahab. So this is literally the Quran saying also Aunt Kathy is a total bitch and I did not borrow that copy of Temple of Doom from her she just lost it okay let it go Noah no no and we're done

guys we're fucking done the end of this book is literally people will say bad stuff people and demons the end the end the end I'm not trying to nitpick here but a well written essay should really end with a concession statement

you know what I'm saying so we're not saying don't kill all the non-muslims and we're not saying Allah doesn't know all the science but the preponderance of evidence suggests I was drunk this whole time and just yelling at him. I don't know. He is the best writer ever, though. We should know that. We've got a whole segment coming up to break down the experience of reading the Quran, but I did feel like we needed something special to wrap it up, so here we go. I have said a number of times that the Quran contains

about a tweet's worth of information repeated for 500 pages. So with that in mind, I wonder if you guys could actually summarize the Quran in 140 characters or less. Oh, okay. Kill the Jews. Okay, read that

back to me. How many pages does it have to be? What did Christians say about that same thing great hashtag ibbid when you're not killing infidels beating your wife's with a stick or ordering around your slaves try to do nice shit sometimes hashtag nailed it okay uh the story of moses fuck you i'm not crazy i loved fucking camel. Cum is made out of unicorn tears. It is going to suck.

You had characters left over. Well done, sir. That does it for this edition of Karana Maniacs and the Karana Maniacs segment all together. That intro shall never play again. But Lucinda, stick around and when we come back from the break, we'll take one last look over the book

for a quick Karana wrap-up. Oh, joy. round and when we come back from the break we'll take one last look over the book for a quick chronic wrap-up oh joy hey noah i get why you didn't like the last two compilations i put together so i fixed it eli i i i really appreciate that you want to do this, dude. I do. It means a lot to me that you tried so hard. But maybe we could just do this one on next week's show after I've had a chance to listen to it on my own. Yeah, but Heath got to do a whole episode of his ramen show and you said that he did. I did.

That's true. Don't encourage him, Heath. Please, one more shot at it. And then if you don't like it, I promise. All right. It's not all from the same episode this time? No. And it's not just you defaming a public figure once? No.

And it isn't just a montage of you eating peanuts and crinkling plastic bags while we're trying to get room tone? It was, but I can play a different one. Fine, go ahead, Eli. And you know what I always say about Croatians. Eli, Eli, how many times do I have to tell you that you cannot say that? Say what? What? You can't accuse entire ethnicities of cannibalism on the air again.

We've talked to Andrew about this. We had a whole meeting. I underlined it on the whiteboard. We've talked to Andrew about this. We had a whole meeting. I underlined it on the whiteboard. Jesus, dude. I thought you were crossing it out and missed. In our lead story tonight, you'll never believe who has herpes. Eli, that is not the lead story. Absolutely.

Dude, I told you that in confidence. Please tell me you brought a real story. In our lead story tonight, Heath may or may not have herpes. Our next email comes from Todd, who asks, quote, is Eli's dick supposed to look like this? End quote. And he sent a picture. Take a look.

Oh, oh, gross, dude. Don't. Well, it's not supposed to look like that, to answer Todd's question. Eli, again again this is not what this fucking segment is for i've asked you nicely not to sneak dick pics into the show scripts i've offered you five hours for every time you don't i had andrew petition for an injunction it looks like the alien sidekick from the last starfighter that is what i was thinking of. Thank you, Heath. You're welcome. Eli, that was your favorite moments montage.

Yeah, I like making you angry. I've made zero dollars. Run, grab the youngins, folks. It's time for Lucinda Lusion's Bible Stories for Kids. Gather round, boys and girls. It's been a long time since we've gotten together to talk about a story from a holy book because the Quran doesn't have any stories in it. It's just a crazy person rambling about what he can remember from that Jew

that explains some of the Old Testament to him. But now that we've finished the book, I figured I'd owe you at least one more Quran story. So today, we're going to open our Quranist page, It Doesn't Matter, and tell you the story of Muhammad not having 114 stars worth of shit to say throughout his entire lifetime. Huh? So once upon a time, Allah decided to make Adam the very first human being. And all the angels were really impressed except for Satan, who refused to bow before Allah's new creation.

Well, needless to say, Allah was very angry. So he condemned Satan for a second, but then he got confused and wound up fucking the whole thing up and creating hell. And have I ever told you the story of Moses? I know I have, but go fuck yourself. I'm telling it again. So after creating Adam, God went to Moses and told him to go see Pharaoh. But none of the people believed Moses.

So they all got dick sores and locusts and stuff. Just like you'll get if you don't listen to Muhammad. Also, Noah, Abraham, and Lot are characters from the Bible whose names Muhammad remembers. Huh? Also, women are utter shit. They're good for marrying and fucking, and if you have to beat something with a stick, you could do worse. But mostly, they're all gross and menstruating. But if you marry one of them, or many of them, you have to be really nice.

Unless you decide to stop being nice, in which case you have to compare her to your mom's ass and give her some money to leave. Or lock her in an escape room and make her figure it out for herself. Also, Jews could use a good killing, am I right? So could Christians and polytheists and really anybody who disagrees with Muhammad, but especially Jews. And you know what sucks even worse than Jews? Going to hell, which is where you're going if you're a Jew or a Christian or an atheist or a polytheist or a substandard Muslim, which is fine because that's just more awesome couch space for us good Muslims. And you would not believe how awesome our heaven couches will be. And that's not to mention all the raisins and the river milk.

Boy, will the deniers of the truth be sorry after we're all too dead to tally the score. And I mean, how the hell can you possibly deny that Muhammad speaks for God if there are boats? You, who were created from nothing but a blood clot that became a tadpole, that became a wacky wall walker, that became a spoon, that became a human. That's how babies work. Meanwhile, I forgot to tell you about Moses. The end. to tell you about Moses. The end.

So whenever a podcast has more than one zero in the episode number, it's usually time to reflect and bring on some of their favorite guests, past and present. And since we hit the big two-oh-oh, we thought we should do it as well. First up, friend of the show Thomas Smith of Atheistically Speaking, Comedy Shoeshine,

Thomas the Bible, and of course, Opening Arguments. Thomas, welcome to the show. Hey, thanks for having me, guys. Now, I admit I'm stealing your idea a bit. You recently had episode 300 on Atheistically Speaking and brought us on for a discussion, so we figured we should return the favor. Well, I'm honored. Thank you.

So, you like our show? Yeah. Well, I'm honored. Thank you. So, you like our show? Yeah, yeah. It's great. Yeah? What's your favorite part? Uh, it's all pretty great. Did you have questions for me, or... No, no, I did not. When I brought you on my show, I asked you guys questions about your show

and your opinions and stuff. Oh, okay. Well, in your opinion, then, what is your favorite episode of our show? I missed a wedding for this. That seems like your fault more than mine. But of course, no retrospective would be complete without guests that have moved us. Callie Wright from the Gatheist Manifesto joins us next. I'm actually just about to run out the door. And what would you say some of the highlights of Scathing Atheist have been?

Um, I love the show, hun. Are you recording this? Like, this phone call you made to my cell phone? I sure am. But no examination of our show would be complete without the yin to our yang, Tom and Cecil of Cognitive Dissonance. Enjoy. Hey, this is Tom's cell phone.

Leave a message after the beep. I'll call you back. What's your favorite part of our show with the final surah read and summarized i'm as eager to put the quran behind me as i've ever been for anything since I almost lost my virginity that one time. So in an effort to put a bow on the whole project, I wanted to take a few minutes now that it's all over and look back over the experience, perhaps with the hope that we can still dig some nugget of value out of the misery we put ourselves through. But even if we fall short of that lofty goal, I'm sure at the very least that this will help us put the trauma in the past and let the healing begin. You guys ready? I feel like I'm about to try to summarize falling down a hill. Yeah, but not like the fun refrigerator box version of that, like falling down a hill and it's somehow anti-Semitic. I don't know. I can't imagine how. Whenever I fall down a hill, I do blame the Jews.

So, fitting. Me too. Jews. And, of course, still with us for this segment is the lovely Lucinda Lusions. Of course. Let's wrap this bitch up. All right. So let's start with a question on everybody's mind.

What was your favorite moment or verse in the Koran? It's the tie between the table of contents and the index. I'm going to say that they have the best breakup line I've ever heard. Instead of like, it's not you, it's me, the Muslim version says,

it's not me, it's you, you're like my mom's asshole, which is something I do not enjoy, sexually speaking. That is their line. I want to go with that. This was a tough question for me to answer, but I want to go with that one bizarre retelling of the Moses story where Moses follows

around the godlike companion that murders a kid and then justifies it because eventually that kid was going to be rebellious. I feel like by the time we got there, I was so starved for new information that I just spontaneously ejaculated so i might not be able to like evaluate that objectively i'm gonna go with uh if your wife can macgyver her way out of the house then don't kill her but if she dies you nailed it all right and what was the moment

or verse that you felt like most conflicted with the religion of peace nonsense? 9-11. Oh, shit. Now, okay, I feel like we've all taken on a collective favorite character in this one. So to keep from being repetitive, other than God's favorite she-camel, who is your favorite character in the Quran and why? Oh, that's bullshit. Okay, let me just erase my notes and

some fan fiction. Just FYI, you miss where me and the she-camel go to space now, but it's fine. I guess I gotta go with the talking ants? Yeah, they were pretty cool. Good call. I think I'm gonna to go with Satan. I mean, I wouldn't abide to Adam either. He just struck

me as a person responding reasonably to the invasiveness of airport security. That's a deep cut. I don't know, man. I feel like this is a trick question because there weren't really any characters. Not really. I'm going to say Quran Jesus

who got swapped out at the last second in the crucifixion. Such a pussy Jesus they have. I'm going with the scribe. Oh really? It was a lot of fun imagining an illiterate, belligerent drunk trying to dictate a god book

and some guy getting yelled at and being like yeah, no, i heard you i heard you a lot it's great god i'm gonna write semen is made of clay yeah it wasn't a while you could tell he was just getting pissed all right do you have a favorite like patently absurd scientific explanation that portrays anyone who would claim scientific foreknowledge in this book as a disingenuous cherry-picking twat blot? I know it's from today, but honestly, cum coming from between your

loin and ribs is pretty great. It is pretty great. Alright, well, if Eli's not going to answer, I'll say... I'll say the part about the ocean being made of the top, middle, and bottom parts of the ocean. made of the top, middle, and bottom parts?

Fucking genius process right there. It says that. Well, according to Sir 16, verse 68, bees eat fruit. Now, I know that's not the wrongest. He's ever got it. But the idea of a bee with a tiny little banana is just too cute not to be. And too erotic. erotic slowly eating a banana excuse me while i tilt my mic off my fucking head oh a handicapped bee

that is so illegal in england uh okay so what was what would you say was the like most important thing you learned while reading the quran um that camels gestate for 11 months you know if i'm gonna learn anything from this book it would be trivia about what happens when camels get fucked that's the kind of stuff i like to know all right most important lesson um uh this is what happens when you try to write The Godfather 3. Let the Jews handle the media. They're better. Here's what I learned. There are people this book thinks I should murder. We hear a lot of talk about which holy book is more violent and I'd argue there's no real way to walk away from the three of them without thinking that this one is way more pro-murder like as in specifically you the reader should

go out and do some murdering absolutely also on that note like how anti-semitic this book like I'm gonna admit my own ignorance here but like I always thought like ah I don't like the Jews but that's because of the stuff that goes but no they just really really fucking hate the jews in the book like long before the state yeah right right yeah they should tweet at me clear all right so for the second part of the wrap-up i want to compare the quran to the other holy books that we've read so would you say the quan was better or worse than the Bible in terms of misogyny? Well, there's very little FGM in Iran, but still worse, I'm saying. It had instructions for divorcing your prepubescent wife and instructions on how and when to hit her.

That being said, I will give it credit. A lot more time was spent in the Kor Quran securing at least some kind of rights for women. And considering how low the Bible set the bar, I'm going to say slightly better. See, I got to say worse because all of that stuff was like in the Bible was for like ancient Israelites. And again, like Noah just said, the Quran is like, no, you do this today. You, Steve, do this tomorrow. What's your Thursday look like? I'm your wife in the house.

Well, but see, I'm tempted to give it a push here as well. I mean, like, which Tuskegee experiment patient had it the worst? That's not a super meaningful question. So I'll withdraw. Pre-Sean Manchin.

All right. So was it better or worse in terms of good moral messages? And I'm going to give it a technically better here just because there was so little said and so much of it was repeated that there were simply fewer total pieces of bad advice. Oh, so disagree. Worse. Way worse. I longed for Ecclesiastes. Good moral message.

It's not really a fair question. N slash A. Yeah, which one had better wiener schnitzel recipes, Noah? Okay. Come on, really. Good point. All right. Okay, I'll give you guys a softball.

Better or worse in terms of justifying terrorism? Oh, definitely better. I mean, there were times when the heaven couches seemed awesome enough that I thought about suicide bombing. I'm just saying, I considered it, it passed through my mind. Couches are good. I'm saying worse. As far as I know, there's

no such thing as radical Islamic terrorism. Maybe the Trump administration finds something, but for now, yeah, nothing. I gotta agree with Heath. Worse. I mean, I get, nothing. I got to agree with Heath worse. I mean I get a heaven where I get to eat filth and get led around on a chain and sometimes I get occasional vegan thorns. I'm sorry. All right.

So in a lot of ways, I feel like this question is the point of the project, right? And after reading both books cover to cover, there is no realistic argument, right? The Bible tells stories about like back when God told people to massacre groups and families and women and children and everything, and that's really bad. But there is a huge difference in this case between past tense and present tense. And not only does this book tell people to kill everybody who isn't Muslims repeatedly, it also promises all kinds of rewards in this unmistakably, but don't answer yet addendum. So way, way better at being way, way worse in this case. All right. So let's split the Bible now into its constituent testaments for these last couple of questions.

So Old Testament, New Testament, or the Koran, which is the most dangerous to take literally? Oh, well, in theory, definitely the Old Testament. But again, Jewish people are better than the other two groups. Thank you. So, you know, most of them are faking it to keep the gold is what I'm saying. So it's the Koran. I love how you balance that compliment out. Yeah, I'm going to go with the Old Testament as well.

Deuteronomy has that deep cut nuttiness in there it's it's the best and the brightest yeah and if you think about it like isn't this a real strong i'll go with the uh old testament too and what a great indicator of just how much like the worst religion that there is that islam really is right i mean because you have less moderating to do to get from your holy book to something reasonable than the Jews or the Christians and you still can't make it work. Alright. So of the three, which do you think is the most demonstrably incorrect?

Book of Mormon. Next year's answer this year. Okay, fine. Yeah, they're crazy. Just the ones. We'll know soon enough. Alright, so I'm going to go with the Koran here, mostly because Muhammad actually suggests ways to disprove him over and over again, like mistakenly thinking they're impossible.

The Bible never says, well, sure, if you could explain where rain comes from or how boats came into existence, this book would be a horror shit, but you can't. So it isn't. I mean, counting the legs on a grasshopper is probably easier than proving boats are man-made. So I'm going to go with the Old Testament on this one. Good point. Yeah, me too, Old Testament. But only because it's the longest, which isn't really fair.

In, like, stupid per word, it's hard to say. It's like deciding on which is more unique. So, Bush. All right, and which would you say was the most entertaining and i'm gonna toss my answer out there first because i feel like the ot is gonna make a sweep here yeah like there are more stories in genesis than there are in the other two put together so i don't i don't know that there's really a contest yeah that was my answer you got murder let there be light some good stories some evil downright mile a minute at least at first yeah yeah strong agree uh i read the old testament at the beach it is

fun you read everything at the beach where you live yeah and plus the other two are they're mostly like a whiny racist pen pal and at least the old testament doesn't read like a pen pal that's true. I'm going to buck the trend here actually. I'm going to go with the New Testament. Really? Yeah, because A, it had Revelation, which was the most entertaining chapter of any of them

in my opinion. But more importantly, B, it was the shortest. They were all tedious as fuck, and then the New Testament started closer to the end. They were all tedious as fuck, but, you know, and then the New Testament started closer to the end. That was nice. Alright, so final question in the wrap-up here. Muhammad, Moses, and

Jesus get into a fight. Who wins and why? I'm going to say that at first Muhammad would be winning, but then Moses would whip out his trusty baby foreskin, touch it to his dick, and go all Ultraman on everybody. Like his can of spinach. Yeah, exactly.

Those are 1940s references. Go for it, too. Superheroes used to fight Nazis when Noah and Lucinda were just in their 30s. Yeah, those Japanese superheroes loved to fight Nazis. All right. Moses, Muhammad, Jesus. All right. Well, my answer is two words.

Sword, mouth. Plus his dad can beat up everyone. He's the real one. USA. USA. Who's with me? Donald. But it seems to me like if you really think this through, the real battle here is going

to be between a bunch of man-faced scorpion locust horses and a bunch of star-chucking demon-battling angels. So I kind of have to put my money on Muhammad. And I believe that gives us one vote for each. So Eli, you have to break the tie. I actually am going to go with Moses, but Mo and Jesus insist that if they

wanted to, they totally would have kicked his ass. We'll go later. Alright, well guys, gals, thanks so much for suffering through this with me. I promise the Book of Mormon won't be worse in some ways. All right. Well, guys, gals, thanks so much for suffering through this with me. I promise the Book of Mormon won't be worse in some ways. I think. Sorry, that's all I can get.

Before we use up the ninth yard this week, I want to let everybody know that Dogma Debate has released their 24-hour podcast-a-thon in chunks on their RSS feed. If you're looking for our hour, it's in part two. Although if you downloaded it right away, for some reason our hour was missing. I think he was trying to hide how well we did or something like that. But it's there now. So if you want to give it a listen, you'll find a link on the show notes for this episode.

Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 9,092 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. You can also find Bonus Nuggets of Skaitheism by subscribing to our YouTube channel or by following us on Twitter. Obviously, this show would ring hollow if I neglected to thank Heath Enright

for 200 straight episodes of hilarity. I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for inspiring this whole endeavor four years ago. I need to thank the infinitely enthusiastic Eli Bosnick for adding so much to this show since he's come on. I need to thank Callie Wright of the Gaytheist Manifesto podcast, Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance, Thomas from Atheistically Speaking et al., and Andrew Torres from the Opening Arguments podcast for humorous on all the weird shit we wanted him to do this week. I also want to thank Anna Bosnick and Morgan Clark one more time for

the amazing job that they did with the song this week. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most preeminent people, Nathan Roman, Alexander Blake, Mark, Sarah, Jared, Mick, Brian, Gene, Michael, Brandon, Andy, Joseph, and Mike. Nathan Roman, Alexander, Blake, and Mark, whose ejaculations could give everybody a white Christmas if they didn't care how they got it. Sarah, Jared, Mick, Brian, and Andy, who are so hot the aforementioned ejaculate is about the only way they're getting a white Christmas. And Gene, Michael, Brandon, Brian, and Andy, who are so hot the aforementioned ejaculate is about the only way they're getting a white Christmas, and Gene, Michael, Brandon, Joseph, and Mike, whose cocks are in way more danger of putting an eye out than a red rifle BB gun. Together, these 15 fabulously fuckable freethinkers forked over a few funds to facilitate

our foul-mouth theory at the fallacious folly of faith this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the superior genitalia it takes to give us money, but if you think your junk is up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but fuck us, it's December and you have kids, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a glowing review on iTunes,

telling a friend about the show, and naming an asteroid after me if you ever find yourself in a position to do so. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of p andrew torres and our audio engineer is morgan clark our theme song was written and performed by morgan clark with richard mcnulty on guitar smile and nod was written by anna bosnick and performed by anna bosnick and morgan clark and will be available for purchase by following the link on the show notes for this episode all proceeds from those purchases will go to modest needs.org by the way all additional music was written and performed by Morgan Clark and was used with permission. If you have questions,

comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you.