The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 201: Lump of Coal Edition

Episode Date: December 22, 2016

In this week’s episode, all three of Eli’s hobbies become legal as an early Christmas present, abortion abortionists in Oklahoma fail to recognize that abortions are corporations just like people, and Bryce Blankenagel of the Naked Mormonism podcast will be here to tell us about more people that Mormons killed. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Guest Links: You can find The Naked Mormonism Podcast here: http://nakedmormonismpodcast.com/index.html You can find My Book of Mormon here: https://mybookofmormonpodcast.com/ You can find the JW Escape podcast here: http://www.jwescape.libsyn.com/ Headlines: American legislators finally get around to granting us the right to exist: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/16/congress-has-passed-a-bill-protecting-atheists-animal-slaughter-and-male-circumcision/ Alex Jones: Kanye West met with Trump in effort to escape the Illuminati: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/alex-jones-kanye-west-met-with-trump-to-escape-the-illuminati/ SC lawmakers push bill that would block porn from computers sold in the state: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2016/12/law-block-porn-computers-sold-south-carolina/ Sean Hannity steps in to produce K-Sorbs’ new atheist-bashing movie: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/15/sean-hannity-is-producing-a-film-starring-kevin-sorbo-as-an-atheist-who-converts-to-christianity/ Sex Shop owner gets death threats for dildo nativity scene http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/18/sex-shop-owner-receives-threats-after-putting-dildo-nativity-scene-in-window/ Pew has trouble finding demographics less educated than American Christians: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/13/report-u-s-christians-are-less-formally-educated-than-other-religious-and-non-religious-groups/ OK law would require businesses to put anti-abortion messages in public restrooms: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/15/oklahoma-legislature-wants-to-lecture-women-about-abortion-while-they-pee/ This Week in Misogyny: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/grade-point/wp/2016/12/19/judge-cleared-of-misconduct-in-brock-turner-sexual-assault-case/?tid=smtw&utmterm=.f53b6d55e3d8

Warning, the following podcast contains language far more objectionable than bah humbug. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by our secret weapon in the war on Christmas, Red Solo Cups. With everyone focused on Starbucks and their red and green Jew propaganda, Solo Brand has been quietly persecuting Christians for decades with blankness. Red Solo cups. The art of war on Christmas is all about nothing. And now, the skating atheist.

Hi, this is Neo. And Ava from JW Skate Podcast. You know, Jehovah's Witnesses may knock on your door and try to tell you otherwise, but we can assure you... We did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. And sexy monkey women. Of course. It's Thursday. It's December 22nd. And Santa's not dead, he's surely alive. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, and Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Skhing Atheist. On this week's episode, all three of my hobbies become legal as an early Christmas present. Abortion abortionists in Oklahoma fail to recognize that abortions are corporations, just like people. And Bryce Blankenagle will be here to tell us about more people that Mormons killed. But first, the diatribe. When I was a kid, the real fights were always over who called it. And that was the be all and end all of possession back then. Discovery

didn't matter. Proximity didn't matter. Possession didn't matter. Look, if I've picked up a discarded die cast car in the woods or whatever, it could be in my hand. But if my friend David called it, I would have to reluctantly give it over, damning my lack of verbal reflex. Of course, from time to time, there were disagreements over who called it, And these led to the real knock-down, drag-out disputes. I remember one in particular. I'm at recess in third grade, and it's January in Michigan. All the kids are running out trying to get a swing before everybody else. And I noticed this awesome rampart of snow along the parking lot here.

They'd plowed the lot overnight and left this tantalizing eight-foot mound of unspoiled snow to tunnel through so i forwent this swing sets into monkey bars and shit and went straight for that snow mound and for several minutes nobody else noticed it so i had it to myself now of course a couple minutes later everybody eventually had the same thought i did and migrated over to this giant snow mound and that's no big deal you know there's way too much of it for me to play with all by myself and it was more to do with you know i had people to throw snowball balls at and shit. So I didn't begrudge these newcomers, but I did want to make sure they knew who the squatter in chief was. So I started going around randomly telling kids that I was there first.

But that's OK. They were allowed to keep playing because that seemed important. And, of course, eventually some kid disputed my claim and said that he had gotten there first. So with my integrity called into question, I challenged this kid I didn't know and insisted that I was playing on that snow mound way before he and his friends showed up. He demanded proof. I made a joke about his mom. He made a joke about my mom. I pushed him.

He pushed back. And then we got into an eight-year-old equivalent of a fight. And this was winter 1985. So I can't recall for certain, but odds are really high that there was a crane technique thrown at some point here. Anyway, a few minutes later, we're in the principal's office trying desperately to explain the importance of who had the true claim of discovery on this snow mound. And for some reason, the fat asshole of a principal is more worried about us not fighting than he is about you know using his authority to adjudicate this important controversy in fact to this day the true claimant remains in dispute now admittedly it's harder to think of a sillier thing to fight about i mean the snow mound was there neither of us built it neither of us trekked across the antarctic tundra to reach it you know within five minutes of recess beginning, virtually every kid on the playground

looked over at that snow mountain and said, hey, that'd be fun to climb on. So which of us was first at it was beyond meaningless, right? We were all going to use it one way or the other. And it's not like the first person to claim it was granted any special privilege. In fact, the only kids who didn't get to enjoy it were me and a little dumbass I was fighting with

over who got there first. But before you file this story away under the category of shit that seems important when we're kids, I want you to think about the last person you heard freaking out about keeping the Christ in Christmas. Now ask yourself, what's the fucking difference? Right? The winter celebration was already there. They didn't invent it.

They didn't discover it. They have no more claim on it than I had to that snow mountain. And yet grown fucking adults are still picking fights over this nonsense. And look, I get it. You know, I understand why Christians yammer on about Jesus being the reason for the season. I mean, imagine you work for a company where every year they throw you a big birthday party, right? And they've done it for years. So you've come to expect it. But one year your birthday comes and goes, no party. Then you show up on Monday only to discover that your co-workers did have a big party. They just did it on your day off. You know, and what's more, everybody had way more fun without you around. Turns out everybody's favorite party, your birthday parties, are the

parts that have nothing to do with you. And if you think about it, that's what a Christian confronts every year at Christmas. They'd love to convince themselves that the outpouring of charity and goodwill they associate with Christmas is a manifestation of God's love. And they could do exactly that if it wasn't for all us secular motherfuckers having the same amount of charity and goodwill. And you've got to figure the increasingly ubiquitous secular greetings and Jesus-less coffee cups and shit are serving as constant reminders of just how superfluous their Lord and Savior really is. If he doesn't show up to the party, nobody notices, even if it's his party. And they could probably handle that if it was like an isolated incident,

but everywhere they look, they see the same thing. The war on Christmas is just a microcosm for the larger war on the utility of their faith. Every time they turn around, Christians see Jesus-less people doing all the shit they were supposed to need Jesus for. They see secular people being charitable. They see atheists coping with death. They see godless people outscoring them on their own moral metrics. And they see people enjoying Christmas every bit as much as them without having to suffer through the expanded church service to get it. So sure, I understand it in the same way that I'd understand it if I saw two eight-year-olds fighting over the discovery of a starkly visible mound of snow. And just so I'm not accused of

disparaging eight-year-olds by comparing them to religious people, I want to point out that after the fight and the trip to the principal's office and everything, me and that kid became really good friends and remained so until I moved away five years later. So no, religious disputes haven't quite achieved the level of civility and productivity of playground brawls but i'm still confident that they can get there eventually they're talking about you joining me for headlines tonight are a couple of holiday heathens heathen right and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to don that gay apparel once more? Yeah, I'll try anything once more. The last time they don't make chaps with asses.

If you guys didn't like your presents, you didn't have to put them on. That's what I'm saying. They were nice. In our lead story tonight, in Circle the One That Doesn't Belong news, Congress recently passed a new resolution that offers extended protection to magical animal slaughter, mutilating baby dicks, and atheism. This is hard because I do all three. Simultaneously, no less. It's all in the wrist.

You got to flick it. Yeah, so it's called the frank r wolf international religious freedom act and it seeks to amend a similar act from 1998 by adding language that expressly allows those three things that federal lawmakers thought belong on the same list together right right just just making earth that much harder to explain to the aliens eventually well uh we see when we made it extra legal to torture animals and babies at the behest of an invisible intangible space wizard we also felt like we needed to make it extra legal to uh to not do that you know what just yeah put in your fucking freeway or whatever.

Resolution passed. Yeah. Almost. Vaporize me first. Yeah, so apparently this was in response to all the atheist bloggers getting brutally murdered in Muslim Thunderdome, a.k.a. Bangladesh. A.k.a. Eli's now ruined pilot for the sci-fi channel. Thanks, Keith. Muslim Thunderdome was going to be great.

He just ruined the surprises all. I was going to use all the Muslim actors. Like, um, I was, oh, um. Tony Shalhoub. The last airbender. Madonna. Yeah, so while Eli thinks of Muslim actors actors i'll go along with the story um somehow it was decided that if we're going to go so far as to specify that you're not allowed to kill secular bloggers with swords then we also need to make sure you can kill live animals with swords

however you want yeah right as long as you sincerely believe that fucking Cthulhu demands it. Of course. Obviously. Also, you can sexually assault babies and remove part of their peens with a very small sword. Andrew. Basically, lots of sword stuff to offset the express

ban on other sword stuff. Seems to be the thrust. Yeah, you gotta make sure the sword lobby is getting held. Also the thrust. Yeah, you got to make sure the sword lobby is getting help. Also, thrust, I like it. I do, however, wish we weren't grouped in with murder and mutilation. Like, I got to admit, it kind of kills the vibe. Like being told, you know, oh, man, you and Hitler are great speakers. Yeah, so thanks, I guess.

I don't know. A little bit, yeah. Atheism is allowed now. Still, again, in particular in this resolution. That's good. And now we can have that really weird party with a bunch of Aztec shamans and herpetic moils. Awesome. Doesn't really change Eli's plans for this weekend,

but it's still exciting for most of us. Either way, we should probably put 10 seconds on the clock. Names for skeptical, animal sacrifice, brisorgies. Go. I'm on the spot. Andrews, Moose, Bruise, Jews, Ooze, Cruise, Ruse, Schmooze. That's too long. Halalaboard.

That'll work. What about calling bull? Moyle of Olay. I don't believe in God, hey, my penis. God, hey, my animal sacrifice holiday. I crushed that shit. That's all I'm going to put on out there. Crushed it.

And in Ill illuminati news tonight conspiracy theorist anti-semite and curly in witness protection impersonator alex jones once again knows something we don't and no this time it's not just what the limits of bottomless chicken wings at buffalo wild wings really means I am intimately familiar with what that means. And they are very unreasonable. Blah, blah, blah. You can't bring your own blue cheese in a holes there. Fuck you, B-dubs.

To be fair, you were much faster than that waitress. Right? So Alex Jones announced this week that the true reason for Kanye West meeting with Trump at Trump Tower last week was a last-ditch attempt to escape the Illuminati. Of course it is. What an idiot. It's blood in, blood out. Everybody knows that.

Especially girls. Oh, wow. Facebook page, that friend from college who should probably see a therapist keep sharing, Kanye was committed to a mental asylum by his managers last week for saying that if he had voted, he would have voted for Donald Trump, which would make me lose respect for him if I had any to lose. But seeing as this is a guy famous for saying how fantastic he is, stealing a trophy from a teenage girl and picking a fight with moby the proverbial well i'm afraid is dry because i've done all three of those things and you don't hear me

that's all i'm saying yeah well moby and taylor swift beat the shit out of you that day it's not exactly a bragging type of moment well it's funny not for you and me, but, you know, Eli oiled himself up and, like, made them do that to get the trophy back. Like a greased pig with a boner is my greatest weapon. Bam, shwam. Just like Alex Jones. You know who's a coward? Moby. All right.

So, anyway, here's the most interesting part of the rant from Alex Jones, in my opinion. This is him describing what happened to Kanye at Trump Tower. Quote, he was forcibly grabbed when he calmly said that he would have voted for Trump. So interpret that as you see fit. I mean, they just let you do it. When you worship the morning star, they let you do anything. Morningstar, they let you do anything. Anyway, Jones didn't explain how the billionaire was going to help the millionaire escape the secret society of millionaires and billionaires or, you know, provide any evidence for his

claims. However, I suspect Alex Jones is really just pitching his idea for Tower Heist 2 and I am on board. Ocean's 3.7 billion. I like it. What do you mean? I got to escape. Ocean's 3.7 billion. I like it. What do you mean I gotta escape the Illuminati? Tom is just starting. And in taking the dicks out of Dixie News tonight,

apparently lawmakers in South Carolina listened to last week's 30 Seconds bit and, fearing that they might fall behind England in terms of outdated prudery, put forward a bill that would require all computers sold in their state to block all the porn. The bill, hilariously mistitled the Human Trafficking Protection Act, was pre-filed before the Christmas break just so everyone can enjoy the holiday, secure the knowledge that the state legislature is going to do something about them naked ladies in your computer box just right after. Something about sniffing packets anyway i'm not sure if this accomplishes what they're hoping though um

now it's just gonna be a bunch of like shady nerds all along the state border being like jailbreak laptops tablets what well okay so now at present the bill doesn't specify anything involving kurt cameron and a bat but rather it would require any computer or internet connected device sold in the state to come with pre-installed software to prevent the viewing of obscene content and would find any manufacturer that did not comply with the law. Because if there's anything that can combat the notorious lack of education in that state, it's making computers more expensive. Now, the law would, however, allow for both sellers and buyers to opt out of the requirement for a fee, provided they could prove that they're old enough to see unobstructed vaginae. So pre-installed ransomware is what we're looking at, I guess. Right, but with an option for firmware or flaccidware. It's pro-choice.

Here's what has me confused, though. Who the fuck manufactures computers in South Carolina? Really? Oh, you're going to have to put that up on the hydraulics. Take a look at that one. Oh, this is going to cost you. It's going to cost you.

Okay, so according to the bill's sponsor, Representative Bill Chumley, the timing of the bill had nothing representative bill chumley the timing of the bill had nothing to do with the fact that we just did a porn title 30 seconds bit and he was pretty sure that we wouldn't go back to that well again so soon local podcasters however have expressed skepticism at these claims deed if i hear that south carolina has changed their motto to the south carolina story I will lose my shit. You do not want to prank worth South Carolina.

By the way, this is a state whose biggest university has a mascot named Cocky the Gamecock and whose state mammal is the ass. We're giving them a huge break here. Not doing 30 seconds. That's what everyone says when they're getting into porn.

Yeah, getting a huge. And in God's not a dead-eyed Republican shill news tonight, a quick update. As listeners might remember, we reported earlier this year that everyone's 13th favorite former TV actor turned Christian movie star Kevin Sorbo is working on a new movie due to be released next Thanksgiving called Let There Be Light about an atheist who converts to Christianity after a near-death experience. Right. Yeah, thus encouraging his audience to almost but not quite kill atheists. See, I told you Christianity was better than Islam. What can I say? I like the story of Moses.

They both have it, though. We've read that book now. They all have it. It's weird. It's a horrible, horrible thing we did to ourselves. Well, in addition to that, we now know that Beacon of Reason and little boy dressed up as a news anchor, Sean Hannity, has been added to the team as executive producer. So expect all the Phil Mackie-man and integrity of Hannity to be brought to this team as executive producer. So expect all the Phil Macuman and integrity of Hannity

to be brought to this film screen next year. Yeah, it should be fun. Just like two hours of some Christian guy explaining Pascal's wager and Alan Combs weeping contritely in the corner. Which, by the way, perfectly describes Hannity's unauthorized sex tape as well. In the brief interview that Hannity did with Kevin Sorbo and his hostage, sorry, wife,

Hannity gleefully told the audience how horrible Kevin Sorbo's character is at the beginning of the movie, saying, quote, you start out as a hardcore, evil, mean atheist, making fun of a guy in a debate and crushing him with the crowd clapping and cheering end quote but so andrew get ready for some defamation of character if he makes any puppy rate jokes at the beginning hell yeah we also need andrew for the review on gam obviously when eli inevitably threatens to murder kevin sorbo in some sort of atheist-themed saw movie scenario. No doubt. You must choose between this tissue full of semen

and this bus full of school children, Kevin. Oh, no. Oh, shit. I also love, by the way, that Sorbo's descriptor of a horrible person is atheist who wins debate. Right? I mean, that's it, it right we assume crushing was metaphorical and apparently that's enough for him man who uses mean thinky words to make the wrong person look

wrong okay well now i'm gonna get that on my business card hannity then went on to jovially explain how excited he is about the coming project, saying, quote, I do TV and radio, but nobody cries watching my TV show. Except liberals. End quote. Not adding, and me. And usually I say I want it to be a news reporter. I want it to be a news reporter.

That's what I think I'm saying. I have a gun in my mouth, so it's hard to tell. You can do it, Sean. You can do it. It'll be the first brave thing you ever do. Either way, the movie is due out by Christmas of next year, and we can't wait to tear it apart on Godawful Movies, because if there's anything we all got this year for Christmas, it's job security. And in some cases

a jar of sneezes. Can you believe still no thank you card? Does he know? Speaking of which I have a strongly worded letter from the CDC I have to respond to in an official capacity so while I do that we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife Lucinda.

A man wrote the bible? A whore is what she was. If it course what she wants if it's a legitimate race right cooking can be fun hey i'm proud of a man this week in massage i hate the weeks where this segment writes itself i really do all week this week i've been poking around the internet like the teenagers in a horror movie checking out the basement. I've been telling the cats it's quiet, too quiet. And today, as I sat down to write this segment, I checked the Washington Post one last time. Because, hey, why not? And there it was, staring back at me like 2016's last fuck you in the form of a headline.

Brock Turner's judge cleared of misconduct. And that was the last piece in this horrible puzzle. This horrible, final, destructive, emptying experience ends with one last slap in the face. One last message to me and women everywhere that when the chips are down in this country, it is more acceptable to rape an unconscious woman than it is to carry around a bag of pot.

In modern-day America, the obligation not to get raped still trumps the obligation not to rape. They got away with it. Everyone got away with it. Y'all, it's been a tough 2016. You've probably noticed. And for me, it's been 52 weeks of one piece of evidence piling on another to remind me that this is a bad world to be a woman in. We elected a president who, whether or not you think

he did it, thinks bragging about grabbing women by the pussy makes him look cool. We decided as a country that that is not a disqualifying factor in a presidential candidate. And now, right here at the very end, we get one last reminder that this country only seems good if you compare it to the theocratic ones. And look, I know this is the Christmas episode. I'm supposed to shine some light and spread some cheer and reflect on the merry stuff. But fuck holiday cheer. Fuck it like it was an unconscious, helpless girl and you were an overprivileged, middle class American white guy, which is to say, apparently, as you see fit and without consequence. And look, I really did look around for something a little more heartwarming. I figured maybe I could sit on this for a week and talk about it on the next episode. But then I

realized that Turner's victim was probably getting the news about the same time I was, and was reminded in far starker terms how little she matters to this country's judicial system. And I wonder how merry her Christmas is in light of all of that shit. Yeah, the only good thing I have to say for 2016 from the misogyny front is that it's almost over. I'll remember it as the year of getting away with it. And all I can offer you in the way of silver lining is hope that we'll be able to remember 2017 for something else. way of silver lining is hope that we'll be able to remember 2017 for something else. And now that I've got you good and depressed, I guess I'll hand things back over to Noah,

Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in insufficiently sanctimonious dildos news tonight, a sex shop owner in Spain has received multiple death threats over a set of nativity dildos displayed in his store's front window. The display contains three dildos, one with the image of Joseph, another with Mary, and the little curly one with the baby Jesus even has a little scrote on it. So it struck me as a very tasteful homage to the story of the virgin birth, virgins, dildos. I mean, it makes sense.

But apparently conservative Christians in Spain look into a sex shop window expecting something a bit more reverent than what they found. What are these people hoping for? Like a perfectly normal nativity scene right next to a bunch of dildos? How is that fair? Right? I think they were mad about it being incomplete. And I mean, to be honest, it's true.

You could have had an inflatable sheep in there. Certainly something called the manger. Besides, what better way to demonstrate that Jesus is inside all of us? Crucifix butt plug, but I get your point. And in communism is good, Christianity is stupid news tonight. In an announcement that will shock absolutely nobody, the new study to come out of the Pew Center tells us that according to 2010 data, A new study to come out of the Pew Center tells us that according to 2010 data, American Christians have way less education than everyone else in America.

Like all the other demographics. Yeah. Yep. And thanks to Betsy DeVos taking over next month, they should be getting extra uneducated real soon. Very exciting. Now, before we feel too great about ourselves, don't worry, I'll get there, this only measured formal schooling, and I should point out there are two

living, breathing examples of the non-relationship between formal education and intelligence on this show. The example is me. I went to NYU and I misspelled Christianity in my notes. The other day you misspelled Bosnic in your notes, dude. I don't mean to be a dick, but if your misspellings were just the five-syllable words, we'd never give you shit about them.

I feel like my example was sufficient, thank you. The other slightly mollifying factor to note is that the unaffiliated are actually in second to last place not uh declared atheists by the way uh declared atheists have as will surprise nobody a much higher level of education so i guess what we're saying is this if you haven't come out as an atheist by christmas you will very likely fail out of college basically speaking that's the numbers that's what i took from the story yeah and if you're a Christian at college, you'll spontaneously stop being at college. That's how it works. Eli's a professor.

Yeah, unless you call security to check, in which case he's a track star. And if security doesn't come, I'm a swimmer. Oh, God. That's year one. By the way. You get one of those? By the way, just a shout out to my- Apparently you do, legally speaking.

Talk to Lucinda. She did a whole bit about it just a minute ago. That's right. And finally tonight, from the Plopaganda File, Oklahoma really wants more unwanted babies. And considering how much they're crushing it over there in Oklahoma, genetically speaking, it seems like a good idea to expend public resources on

getting those unwanted babies. Honestly, I think at this point, being known for anything but the musical is fine with them. Come on, Suri with the fringe on top? That's a good song. Toothanger abortion state. Literally anything. Well, now they stepped it up from the musical to a white power fraternity. So they're pretty excited about that.

Anyway, here's what happened. State lawmakers passed the so-called Humanity of the Unborn Child Act, which became official earlier this year. And among other things, the new law would require that all public bathrooms display ads for unplanned parenthood. Oh, my God. You guys, just imagine a state senator psyching himself up in the back with a fetus figurine and a copy of Everybody Poops before he proposed.

And if you don't want to imagine it, by the way, I'm sure Eli has a picture somewhere. You'll have to Photoshop the state senator's head over his. But still, self-deprecating humor is better when it's about somebody else. There is some good news. Not really. Following the obvious pushback, so to speak, against the new anti-abortion law, Ms. Griffin proposed an amendment last week that would make the bathroom sign requirement only apply to abortion providers. So this will be fun looking forward to a bunch of pro-life picketers handing out like gatorade and x-lax in the parking lot of planned parenthood so uh as usual even when we don't

agree we're still here to help right so uh let's go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock slogans for the anti-abortion bathroom ads. Go. All right. Public bathrooms. Not just for dehumanizing trans people anymore. Ooh, I like it. Don't flush if it's a baby.

How about, did you enjoy that shit? Stay pregnant and you'll be shitting for two pretty soon. There you go. It's fun. Just got to tell them the upside. Stuck in an uncomfortable, foul-smelling place that's never clean while you'd rather be elsewhere? You're most of the way to motherhood already. We have no tampon receptacle here. Only coffins.

All right. Now that you're done doing lines of meth off the toilet seat, consider keeping this baby. It's important. Oklahoma. We think people who make decisions based on shit they learned off a bathroom stall should reproduce. Oklahoma. You're lucky we don't think taking a shit is magic or else there'd have been protesters outside. All right.

A little more. How, if it's brown, plush it down. If it's white, hold it tight. Okay, that's his one. That's his now, nobody. That's not mine. That's from the S.A.E. fraternity. I saw it there. We'll draw this to a close. One 30 seconds

entry too late. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. The Hess truck's back and we've come back bryce blankenagle will be here to remind us that there was a time when the proposition of mormon showing up at your door was even worse with christmas just around the corner we know that many of our listeners will once again be bombarded with the usual blisteringly stupid onslaught of questions and objections to their lack of faith over the coming weekend. So in the holiday spirit, we'd like to present a few more of our favorite counter-apologetics for when you're gathered around the Yule log with another edition of the Scathing Atheist Guide to the Holidays. Heath, do you mind saying grace?

I actually, I'm not. Come on now, just lead grace Don't be that way I'd really just prefer not Can you just, okay, your grandmother's here Can you not, please? Sure, fine Dear God There we go

How are you? Remember that time You drowned the whole world? Heath. I just want to say thanks for not doing that again because you made it very clear that you would do that again. Okay, now you're doing it. I'll do it better. Also, thanks for murdering your child so that you would forgive us for rules we broke that you made up.

I don't think that's what you're supposed to say. All right, and thanks for this food, which we have, and other people don't, even though you could just zoink some to, like, everywhere else in the world. But, like, we're special special so we get food and fuck those other people amen i regret this decision well as a christian i feel a lot better now that donald trump yeah but donald trump doesn't believe in your God or anything. When asked his favorite Bible passage at a Christian university, he said season two of The Wire. He rapes models. He worships money.

He cheats his employees. He revels in firing people. He attacks the weak and the poor. And the only passing relationship he has with your God is the knowledge that the people who are dumb enough to believe in that God were dumb enough to vote for him. You are. So, um, I will kill you and then myself. Never mind, then. This has been the Scathing Atheist Guide to the Holidays.

Welcome to Geek Squad at the Charleston Best Buy. Can I have your name, sir? Thomas Smith. Okay, yeah, sure. And how can I help you today? Oh, yeah. My computer seems to be broken. I can't access certain websites.

Could be a problem with your Wi-Fi. What sites are you trying to reach? Yeah, I don't remember. No worries, no worries. I'll just look at your history right here. Oh, my history? Yeah, with that new law in south carolina blocking inappropriate content some sites don't work so i'll just make sure here that actually all right let's see we have uh big booty sluts.com uh come drinking bitches.com oh yeah um uh my my brother must have been slapped asses me. Slappedasses.com.

That's clever. Bigbootysluts.org. Charity. Man on horse on bird.com and google.com. Okay. Oh, no. Sorry. That was not right.

That is a Google image search for man with horse cock and mouth dressed as bird. I have a virus sure of course you do i think what you're looking for is a computer that can uh watch porn is that it but you you have that uh you guys yeah uh-huh i mean i guess I guess. Up to you, sir. Yes, please. Great. Okay. Just wait here. You're number 456. Next. Hi.

Can I have your name, sir? Eli Bosnick. And how can I help you today? I'd like you to make there be dicks and vaginas on this. Of course, sir. This is not a computer, sir. No. It is a Denny's placemat.

Yeah. Sure is. I'm not sure I can help you with that. Fuck South Carolina. after having polished off the abrahamic trilogy just last week a sane group of podcast hosts would probably swear off religious texts for at least a lifetime or two but as you already know we are not sane and thus as soon as we swap out our calendars we're going to be cracking open the illegitimate cousin of the abraham holy books, the Book of Mormon. Of course, I've got to admit up front that I'm going to be going into the Book of Mormon with a lot more knowledge than I had about the Bible or the Koran before I read them, and not just because I saw the musical.

You see, in advance of reading this book, I've learned a ton from the work of my guest tonight, Bryce Blankenagle. Bryce hosts the serial Mormon history Podcast, Naked Mormonism, and also took over for friend of the show, David Michael, and hosting My Book of Mormon. Bryce, welcome back to the show. We have missed you, sir. Well, I have missed being on the show, and it's an absolute pleasure. Thank you for inviting me. And I'm going to say right at the onset, man, this is just my own opinion. I think you're going to have a lot more fun with the Book of Mormon than the other two Abrahamic texts. I think you're going to have a lot more fun with the Book of Mormon than the other two Abrahamic texts. Well, I could not possibly have less fun than I had with the Koran.

There's at least that. Oh, yeah. Oh, absolutely. And, you know, for those who want to listen along to the reading of it, you can go back to the backlogs of my Book of Mormon. Of course, David Michael, you know, he did his best at deconstructing it. But I have a feeling like he was a little short on the dick jokes because he tried to keep the explicit tag off his show. A restriction skating atheist doesn't run into. Yeah, exactly, exactly. But that being said, yeah, you can hear the Book of Mormon broken down by one of the sexiest voices in the history of podcasting there.

And, of course, there will be links in the show notes for this episode. Okay, so for those of you who are new to the show, I should say Bryce is sort of our go-to guy for Mormon history. And over the following year, I feel like I'm going to be using a lot of terms like attempted theocratic takeover and heinous massacre at the hands of the Mormons, those kind of things. And I don't want people thinking me hyperbolic. So I asked Bryce to come on and remind us once more just what a blood-soaked history the Mormon faith has. Now, in past episodes, Bryce has come on and remind us once more just what a blood-soaked history the Mormon faith has. Now, in past episodes, Bryce has come on to talk about the drunken jailhouse shootout that cost Mormonism its founder and a bloody massacre of unarmed innocents in their early Utah days. But the great thing about Mormon history is that it never runs out of fucked up shit to give you.

So, Bryce, what terrifying overreach of power do you have for us this time around? So, Bryce, what terrifying overreach of power do you have for us this time around? Well, you know, I'm trying to figure out why you keep inviting me onto the show, because every time we just come on and talk about lots of people dying. So today we're talking about the Missouri Mormon War of 1838, not the 1833 one. There's a sharp distinction between the two. Right. And this this is the Missouri Mormon War, not the Utah Mormon War or the Illinois Mormon War. Like I said, it's a blood-soaked fucking history. All right. So now obviously the setting for this one is sort of in the title.

It's the modern-day resting place of the Garden of Eden, Missouri. But before we get there, I feel like it might be telling to remind everyone why so many Mormons were all showing up in Missouri in the first place. Yeah, so there's a lot of competing factors that led up to what we're talking about today. What had happened when the church was founded in 1830, Joe teamed up with a guy named Sidney Rigdon, and they declared Independence, Missouri, Jackson County, as like ground zero for Zion. That's where Jesus is going to be like, you know, touchdown, a landing pad. And they, the Mormons were subsequently chased out of Missouri at the hands of Missouri mobs who were essentially anti-Mormon. Now, of course, you add into this

the Kirtland Safety Society Bank. Now, what this was, the church had at the time, if you adjust it for inflation, they had about $1.3 million in debt. This was at the end of 1836, beginning of 1837. So what they did was they founded what was called the Kirtland Safety Society Banking Company, and they printed their own notes. I love Joseph Smith. Boy, does that sound like his solution to this problem? I don't have any money. I'm just going to go make my own. Yeah, right. So that's what happened to the church. This Kirtland Safety Society bank began taking in people's actual money and giving them this this paper that they had printed up, which nowadays is

collectible and is some of the most valuable American currency out there, as if irony couldn't have a spot to shine other than that. And the church was essentially creating a false economy, a bubble that popped with the panic of 1837. So the entire global economy basically collapsed in 1837. It was hit hardest in England. They were just ravished by this thing. But of course, out of the 800 plus banks that existed in America at the time, more than 300 of them outright collapsed. The Kremlin Safety Society Bank was one of them. And then another more than 100 of them outright collapsed. The Kremlin Safety Society Bank was one of them. And then another more than 100 of them partially collapsed. So when you're talking about like the Great Depression, in scope and magnitude, this was far greater of a depression than the actual Great Depression.

But it wasn't as big because America wasn't as big as it was in the 1920s and 30s when the real Great Depression hit. But you have to factor that in. This was like people didn't have money. People were unemployed. The economy was collapsed. So that was a big contributing factor to the pressures between the Missourians and the Mormons. The Mormons had their paper money they were trying to use for everything.

And the Missourians are like, no, fuck that. We're not taking your monopoly money for shit. Oh, gotcha. Gotcha. All right. And then that's added to the top of the tensions that already existed. And of course, at the same time, they have their internal tension story about it as well, correct? Yeah. So it wasn't just anti-Mormon mobs.

There was also in Kirtland and other places, there were people that were leaving the church that were viciously opposed to the leadership because the leadership was fucking up so much. Of course, the Kirtland Safety Society Bank was just one of many other fuck-ups that had just comprised this train wreck that was Mormonism. So people were dissenting in the church and they were excised. And that included Joseph Smith and Sidney Rigdon living in Kirtland, which for fear of their own lives, they had to flee out to Missouri because the people in Kirtland were going to kill them for what they had done. And they decided to set up their own church essentially again in Missouri at the congregations that were living out there. So when they were chased out of Jackson County, the Mormons that

were living out there, the Whitmers and William Wines Phelps and a few others, Lyman Johnson, they were leading the church in Missouri, essentially disconnected from the church in Kirtland. They had letter exchanges and whatnot. They were still following the same book, but they were kind of their own church. Well, when Joe and Rigdon got there, they held a cleansing. They purged anybody that didn't believe in them. And that included Oliver Cowdery, the Whitmers, and Lyman Johnson. Now, if you remember back to very early on in the church, Oliver Cowdery and the Whitmers were members of the church before it was a church. They helped to translate the Book of Mormon.

Like these were OGs of Mormonism, and when Joe and Rigdon got to Missouri, they held a tribunal and excised them from the church. And they said, you have 24 hours to leave or the Danites will kill you. The Danites, of course, being the Mormon enforcer squad. Right, right. Now, just to make sure I remember this correctly, we're talking about like Cowdery was one of the what three witnesses or whatever, wasn't he? Yeah, yeah. It was David Whitmer.

Oh, OK. So like, yeah, so they are purging their absolute top leadership at this point. Yeah. Well, and Martin Harris, the other of the third witnesses, he's the guy who funded the publication of the Book of Mormon. He stayed in Kirtland, Ohio. He essentially founded his own Church of Christ along with a couple of guys, one of which was named Cyrus Smalling. So they founded their own church. So everybody that were the first, you know, the three witnesses for the Book of Mormon, they were out of the church. And most of the eight witnesses were out of the church at this time as well.

Like a lot of the OGs were just gone. They were enemies of the church. I love it. This is a fucking boy band of a religion. Amazing. All right. So, okay. band of a religion amazing all right so okay so so joe and sydney show up in in an area where there's already a bunch of anti-mormon tension and then they start pissing off like the higher

up mormons and kicking them out and sending them out to these like purging them into these communities that already hated mormons so they can just what like reinforce the stories about how horrible mormons are right yeah yeah yeah. And not only that, when they were chased out of Jackson, the leaders in Missouri, the Whitmers and Lyman Johnson, they had a gentleman's agreement, basically. The Missourians that were anti-Mormons said, okay, we're giving you guys Davies and Caldwell County.

Those are Mormonville. You can go out and settle in those towns and nobody's going to fuck with you. But when Joe and Rigdon got there, they began expanding rapidly. They violated this gentleman's agreement that they had with the Missourians. And the Missourians are like, hey, we had a signed agreement that you guys weren't going to go settle anywhere else. Well, the Mormons began settling in Clay County, Carroll County, Ray County, all of the outlying counties.

And at this time, Joe had given a commandment when he left Kirtland, commanding all the Mormons to move out to Missouri. So they were arriving by the thousands. And also, another piece to add into this puzzle was the rhetoric that was coming from the sermons given by the church leaders. So Rigdon gave, Sidney Rigdon gave what was called the Salt Sermon on June 17th, 1838. And it says, quote, if the salt has lost its savor, it is thenceforth good for nothing but to be cast out and trodden under the feet of men, end quote. So that was essentially saying that the people that are

members of the church have lost their savor. If they leave, they are no longer believers. They need to be cast out and trodden underfoot. That's an idle death threat. There were also written actual death threats to these members that were leaving. But add into that, Rigdon gave what was called his July 4th oration. And this was like his Bill Pullman speech against the persecuting Missourians. And it says partially in quote, and that mob that comes on us to disturb us, it shall be between us and them a war of extermination. For we will follow them till the last drop of their blood is spilled or else they will have to exterminate us.

is spilled or else they will have to exterminate us. For we will carry the seat of war to their own houses and their own families, and one party or the other shall be utterly destroyed. Remember it then, all men. End quote. All right, not exactly William Wallace, but yeah, that's definitely go out and kill some motherfuckers there. All right, so yeah. And and i mean look i'm not super sympathetic to religious zealots generally speaking but you are talking about like a group

of people that's been driven out of this town driven out of that town and you know part of it for religious persecution part of it because their leader was probably fucking somebody you shouldn't have and stuff but you know just these average people who are being drug out in the street like you say and beaten i mean you know everybody has got their limit of that kind of shit. Well, exactly, and that's why Rigdon was so firebrand at the pulpit. This didn't come out of the blue, right? I mean he was giving this oration in response to the mob violence that was going on, people being chased out of their homes and their houses being looted and burned. going on people being chased out of their homes and their houses being looted and burned and you know like you said you can only take so much of that before you start to lose your fucking mind

and call for a war of extermination all right so in my reading of this it seems like at least most of the history is sort of presented as the the straw that broke the camel's back here came down to uh the election battle and and i use battle, I guess, in air quotes in Gallatin. Is that is that correct? That really could be seen as the catalyst. And if so, if you could kind of like just sort of set that up for everybody. Yeah. So when I covered this on my show, I essentially said that they are filling up the powder keg. And finally, on Gallatin Election Day, this is August 6th, 1838, that's when the keg exploded. And what happened was, this is when politics really factors in. The Mormons were moving in at an unprecedented rate, and they represented a voting bloc. The vast majority

of them were Democrats, but they were willing to vote for anybody that was sympathetic to the Mormons. Let me read a passage real quick out of a book called The 1838 Mormon War in Missouri, written by Stephen Lasur. I'm going to be relying a little bit on this book because it's kind of the go-to historical recounting of all of this from like a disconnected third-party observer, a historian that has done an amazing amount of work on Mormon history. But this is his recounting of what happened in Gallatin. So there was this guy named Colonel William Peniston. Yes, Peniston. So this is a quote here talking about what happened on Gallatin election. I'm going to read a little bit here. Peniston, a Whig candidate for the state legislator, so he was a Whig, not a Democrat,

had seen that his attempts to gain Mormon vote had not succeeded. He now sought to eliminate their influence, right? If you can't win them, then you try and make it so their votes don't count. He denounced the Mormons as horse thieves, liars, counterfeiters, and dupes, and boasted that the crowd that he had previously led a company of men that had ordered the saints to leave the county. In what was perhaps a reference to Danite teachings, Danite also claimed that the Mormons would swear false oaths. And once again, there's the Danites coming up. People were scared of the Danites because they were the Mormon hit squad. This is a quote from William Peniston, quote, if we suffer such men as those to vote, you will soon lose your suffrage. And what happened after that, quote, The Mormons, about 30 in number, watched cautiously as Peniston stepped from a barrel and good-naturedly called on everyone to have a drink.

While the Missourians passed around the whiskey, Dick Weldon, and yes, we have Peniston and Dick Weldon, a longtime resident of Davies County, informed the crowd that in Clay County, the Mormons had not been allowed to vote no more than the Negroes had, end quote. Weldon, who was reportedly drunk, accosted a small Mormon shoemaker named Samuel Brown. Now, this is the exchange between Dick and Brown. Quote, are you a Mormon preacher, sir? Yes, sir, I am. Do you Mormons believe in healing the sick by laying on hands, speaking in tongues, and casting out devils? We do, said Brown. You are a damned liar. Joseph Smith is a damned imposter.

Weldon then began striking Brown when other Mormons attempted to restrain Weldon. Five or six Missourians jumped into the fray. So you have, you know, the anti-Mormons and the Mormons building up the rhetoric against each other. And finally, this guy, Dick, confronted this guy, Brown, who was a Mormon and said, you're believing in a false god. And then a guy named John L. Butler, who was a Danite, stepped into the fray. He said, quote, the first thing that came to my mind was the covenants entered into

by the Danites to the effect that they were to protect each other, etc. And I hallowed out at the top of my voice saying, oh yes, you Danites, here is a job for us. When Butler gave the Danite signal of distress, about 10 more Latter-day Saints ran to the defense of their brethren. Seeing this, 40 or 50 Missourians stepped into the battle of the Mormons. The participants used no guns, but struck at one another with whips, clubs, rocks, and knives. The Mormons rallied behind Butler, who wielded a large wooden club he found in a nearby pile of wood. So what happened was Butler comes swinging into this fight with a big old club. And he says, quote, when I called out for the Danites, a power rested upon me such as one I never felt before.

Butler later wrote, and I love this quote so goddamn much, quote, I never struck a man the second time. And while knocking them down, I really felt that they would soon embrace the gospel. and while knocking them down, I really felt that they would soon embrace the gospel. All right. So I think it's important for us to reflect on the fact that a lot of us have been on Facebook over the last couple of months going, boy, political fights sure are bad nowadays.

So just back up a little bit. Keep in mind that it's not like we don't have a long history. Like basically Facebook is what's keeping us from doing that, guys. So let's embrace that a little bit keep in mind that it's it's not like we don't have a long and straight like basically facebook is what's keeping us from doing that guys so let's embrace that a little bit okay so now this is clearly more than a bar fight but clearly less than a military engagement uh but but but a pretty big fight so what's the response to this how does this play out well what happened immediately following that brawl, the Missourians dispersed and the Mormons regrouped at the election. And they realized that the Missourians were dispersing to go get their guns.

And they're like, oh, fuck. They mean business. So they ran away and they fled to Davies County to Diamond. So there were two strongholds in Mormonism in Missouri at the time. There's far west in Caldwell County, and there's Diamond in Davies County. Those are our two hotbeds of, what can we say, entertainment at the time. So what ended up happening was Joe organized a militia of 150 men to march to Davies County, where this Gallatin election fight had happened, to the nearby town

Diamond. Now, there was a guy living there named Justice Adam Black. And Adam Black, who had also led an anti-Mormon mob, was a vehement hater of the Mormons. And Joe knew that. But he was also adjusted, an elected official in Missouri. So he was kind of untouchable. So when you have an elected official that's rallying against you, what do you do? Well, when you're Joe and you have 150 armed men, you fucking surround his house with those armed men and force him to sign an agreement that he won't be an anti-Mormon anymore. an anti-Mormon anymore. This may be my favorite part of this whole fucking story that he shows up with like a hundred armed men surrounds this guy's house in the middle of the night and says, just want you to sign this contract. You're saying you're not going to fuck with us. You know, just between you and me, that is so, and it wasn't just him, right? He did that to like two or three

people that night, right? Yes. There were a few people. So it wasn't just one justice. There was also a sheriff and then a couple of other people. We aren't sure of who they were. So like when you're talking about peaceful assembly that's enshrined as a right in our constitution, you can assemble with any number of people. They can be armed or not, but it's peaceful assembly as long as nothing happens. But when you surround a fucking justice's house and say you're going to sign this or essentially or you'll die, which is how Justice Adam Black tells it, that's that's no longer peaceful assembly. Right. That's scary shit. Yeah, I'd say so. And I love the fact that they think that that counts. Right. Like like that.

And I love the fact that they think that that counts, right? Like, like, did a judge be like, no, you did sign the paper when there was a hundred armed guys standing around just so. So then it's totally cool, right? Yeah. So, uh, yeah, essentially this was like a turning point when people realized the Mormons mean fucking business. If they are willing to gather a militia together or not a militia because a militia is state-sanctioned but a mob, a Danite mob who have sworn oaths of fealty to the leadership of the church to defend it to the death. And they're going and surrounding justices' houses and surrounding public officials and forcing their will, imposing their will upon them, forcing them to sign things under duress.

Like this is when things really begin to turn. Like I try to imagine an analog of what this might look like today, and it just doesn't exist, right? No, not in the US. No, no. We've never seen this happen on American soil ever in any of our lifetimes. We've never seen something like this happen. This is some really crazy shit.

And you add into the fact that this is religious zealotry that's driving these people to do this, to swear these oaths of fealty to their prophet. That makes it really scary because no longer are these people satisfied by taking land or property. They are not satisfied until their prophet is satisfied. And if their prophet sitting in a comfortable headquarter home tells them to go kill somebody or tells them to do something, they're going to do it until he's satisfied. So this is essentially a Joseph Smith theocracy that he was creating and enforcing at the will of armed men. Right. There's a quote here from Joseph commanding a guy named David Patton to take some action. And this happened in late October 1838. A couple of Mormon spies were disarmed by a Missouri militia led by General Bogart,

and they were taken hostage as prisoner. And then when Joe heard the news of this, he commanded David Patton, General David Patton, who was known as Captain Fear Not, to not to quote go and kill every devil of them end quote wow yeah things just get really intense after this so like this is life or death rhetoric that's being spewed from both sides right right well i think i know an ideal spot for a to be continued when i hear one so we're going to wrap up the first part of the missouri mormon war there and bryce will be back next week to tell us how it all works out spoiler alert the mormons do not end up taking over the united states and installing a smithian theocracy sorry to spoil it what no impossible

all right well bryce thanks so much for hanging out man thank you noah and of course if you can't wait until next week to get your sordid mormon history fix you'll find a link to the naked mormonism podcast in the show notes for this episode. Strongly encourage you to go back and listen from the beginning because no matter how fucked up you think Mormon history is, I promise you, it's more fucked up than that. Before we dream of sugar plums tonight, I wanted to

wish everybody listening a happy holidays, but I'm waiting to wish you a happy new year until next week since we still have one more 2016 episode on the schedule. Best gift I'll be getting this year is the knowledge that I get to keep hanging out with you guys for another year, so thank you so much for that. Anyway, that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern Time on Tuesday. We're going to

be polishing off a four-part apocalypse series and this week's movie has Mr. Fuckin' T in it, so this may be the collective peak of our lives. Obviously it wouldn't be a show if I didn't thank Heath Enright for the Rudolphian way he guides this production every week. I need to thank lovely Lucinda Lusions for the Clausian

joy and good nature she brings to the show. And of course I need to thank Eli Bosnick for the crampution way that he mistreats children when they're naughty. I also want to thank Ava and Neo from the JW Escape podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Still Neo fights in the podcasting world, but a podcast for ex-J-dubs and J-dubs still looking for a path out seems like a niche worth filling. If you'd like to give them a listen, you'll find a link on the show notes for this episode. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most munificent mortals. Colin, Shane, Robert, Mark with a K, Eric, Daniel,

Dustin, Javier, Mark with a C, Aya, Alistair, Seslav, Christopher, Andrew, Alan, Joel, Jason, Neil, Eddie, Ann, Barbara, Robin, Andy, and Emily. Colin, Shane, Robert, Mark with a K, Eric, and Daniel, whose sacks give out more gifts every year than Santa could ever dream of. Dustin, Javier, Mark with a C, Aya, Alistair, and Seslav, who are so bright

the reindeer could stop playing with that Rudolph asshole if they wanted to. Dustin, Javier, Mark with his C, Aya, Alistair, and Sezlav who are so bright the reindeer could stop playing with that Rudolph asshole if they wanted to. Christopher, Andrew, Alan, Joel, Jason, Neil, and Eddie who are so hot Frosty's magic hat doesn't stand a chance of keeping up. And Anne, Barbara, Robin, Andy, and Emily who are going to turn Charlie Brown's Christmas tree into a fucking redwood. Together these two dozen dizzyingly

dazzling denizens of desire distinguish themselves this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the intergalactic renown it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can prove it by making a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist and thereby earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com.

And if you'd like to help but you'd be in financial recovery until about April or so, you can also make a big difference by giving us a five-star review on iTunes. Every new review helps the visibility of the show, makes it more likely to pop up in other people's suggestions, makes us look more important when it comes to handling how to fight, what's that kind of shit? Very important. Anyway, legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices

of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. Our theme song was arranged and performed by Morgan Clark with Richard McNulty on guitar. All additional music was written and performed by Morgan Clark and was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page

at SkinningAtheist.com. BigBootySluts.org. It's a charity. Man. Shit. Shit. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2016.

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