The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 203: Book of Moron Edition

Episode Date: January 5, 2017

In this week’s episode, Rwandan soccer bans Azealia Banks, we ask one Facebook meme what another one would say about Snopes, and we’ll dig into a book from the patron saint of caucasian-ness. To get tickets to our live recording of God Awful Movies in Chicago, click here: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-with-cognitive-dissonance-tickets-29713113723 To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies If you’d like to send a gift subscription to Becket Law at 1200 New Hampshire Ave. NW, Suite 700 Washington DC 20036, click here: https://secure.americanhumanist.org/thehumanist/subscribe Guest Links: To hear us on the Skeptic Zone podcast, click here: http://www.skepticzone.tv/ Special Thanks to Ranger Kasdorf for providing this week’s lyrical Farnworth Quote, with additional thanks to Savant (aka Datakrash) for producing the beat behind it. Headlines: Snopes is still snopes ya dopes: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/27/snopes-remains-a-credible-fact-checking-site-so-dont-let-the-critics-distract-you/ http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4042194/Facebook-fact-checker-arbitrate-fake-news-accused-defrauding-website-pay-prostitutes-staff-includes-escort-porn-star-Vice-Vixen-domme.html http://www.nytimes.com/2016/12/25/technology/for-fact-checking-website-snopes-a-bigger-role-brings-more-attacks.html?_r=0 Latest data on the economic boom the ark park isn’t:http://www.cincinnati.com/story/news/2016/12/28/no-bars-and-few-restaurants-grant-county-year-after-alcohol-vote/95528796/ Azealia banks has been slaughtering chickens in her closet for three years for witchcraft http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/31/rapper-azealia-banks-slaughtered-chickens-in-her-closet-for-three-years-as-a-form-of-witchcraft/ Rwandan soccer league bans witchcraft http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/30/rwandan-soccer-league-bans-witchcraft-for-some-reason/ Gospel singer: gay people are perverts who will die http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/31/gospel-singer-kim-burrell-to-church-members-gay-people-are-perverts-who-will-die/ Humanist group gets ebenezer award for not letting them send jesus conditional presents http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/30/humanist-group-gets-ebenezer-award-from-conservative-group-for-daring-to-defend-the-constitution/ Church in Sri lanka accidentally gives people lyrics to tupac song http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2016/12/26/a-church-in-sri-lanka-accidentally-gave-people-the-lyrics-to-tupacs-version-of-hail-mary/

Warning, the following podcast contains all the common words that don't show up in the dictionary. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Blue Apron, a better way to cook. And by the new fact-checking site for fact-checking, fact-checker, fact-checker, fact-checker sites. It's MetaMetaMetafacts. It's MetaMetaMetafacts. Yep, we finally made it full circle and started eating our own knowledge like a roboros, a tail-eating dragon. MetaMetaMetafacts. The only other option is thinking critically and looking up sources like a grown-up.

And I mean, come on, who does that? And now, Scathing Atheist. down we got noah i like the vibe of his diatribe because he doesn't let the bullshit slide he's gonna put 30 seconds on the clock and make jokes about how jesus loves the cock eli's puns provide tons of warmth and merriment like a puzzle in a thunderstorm and if you're misogynistic like brian fisher then lucinda will give you a smack right in the kisser and who am i i'm ranger kasdorf just a fan i got to promote, I'm just here to demand that you pay attention and really understand that like me, you evolved from a filthy monkey man. It's Thursday. It's January 5th. And for the record, we disbanded our ethics committee long ago.

Before it was cool. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Rwandan soccer bans Azealia Banks. We ask one Facebook meme what another one would say about Snopes. And we'll dig into a book from the patron

saint of Caucasian-ness. But first, the diatribe. When a 100th Congress convened in 1985, it was a little over 90% Christian. Now, that number had dropped a few percentage points over the previous couple of decades, but only a few. It went from like 93.5% to 90.5%. Now, at the same time, the Americans identifying as Christians had dropped from 93% to about 85%. So, despite an 8% drop in general Christianity, you only saw a 3% drop in Christian representation in Congress. Now, as we all know, in the years since 1985, the number of self-identifying Christians has dropped considerably. The number today is below 70%.

Almost a third of the country are non-Christian, and the vast majority of those people are non-religious. It went from 85% Christian to 69% since 1985. Now, would anybody care to guess how far the Christian representation in Congress has fallen over the same amount of time? If you guessed zero, sorry, you overbid, because it's actually negative 0.4. That's right. Since 1985, the Christian share of Congress has actually grown. When the 115th Congress convened on Tuesday, they did so with 299 Protestants,

168 Catholics, 13 Mormons, 5 Orthodox Christians, 30 Jews, 3 Buddhists, 2 Muslims, 3 Hindus, a Unitarian Universalist, 1 religiously unaffiliated member that refuses the term atheist or agnostic, and 10 people who would rather not answer the question. That's right, Christians are 69% of the country and 91% of the Congress. The religiously unaffiliated are 20% of the country, and we've got at most 2.3. And zero that are willing to admit to it publicly now you might have heard a couple of those slots at the bottom and felt a little

encouraged i mean hey unitarian universalist unaffirmed lady a couple of don't know slash refused but even that enthusiasm has to be dampened none of those are in the senate okay the senate has eight of the jews one of the Buddhists and 91 Christians. So even what little representation we sort of have is confined to the lower house of Congress where it can be drowned out by hundreds of other voices instead of scores of other voices. I mean, if you're desperate for a silver lining, I guess I could point out that the number of non-Christian Republicans doubled this session, but that only brings it to two and

they're both Jewish. I mean, look, I'll readily admit that atheists aren't the only groups getting demographically shafted in congressional representation, right? I mean, 12% of the country is black, but only 9% of Congress is. 16% of the country is Hispanic versus less than 7% of Congress. The country's 51% female, and they get less than 20% of the seats. But no demographic category is more underrepresented than non-believers. And look, this isn't just about us getting our slice of

the pie. This is about governing our nation competently. This is about employing decision makers at the highest level that think all of human existence is a fucking preface. This is about cutting out a group of people that are, demographically speaking, among the smartest, most successful, and most educated people our country has. You want a Congress that's scientifically literate? Get yourself some fucking atheists. You want a Congress that can weigh evidence correctly? Get yourself some fucking atheists. You want people unafraid to stand against popular opinion when the facts are on their side? Get some fucking atheists.

You know, I'm not saying we're necessarily better at all that shit, but given two otherwise equal candidates, if one thinks all mythology is mythical and the other thinks that you get to keep existing after you die, you're always going to be better off with the former. And yes, admitting that death includes dying is a fucking political liability in this country. As near as we can tell, it's a fatal one. Now, I don't mean to be repetitive here, but I got to dwell on that for a second. Rationality is a fatal political liability in America. It is virtually impossible in this country to get elected to a national office if you admit that you don't believe in a proposition that has no confirmatory evidence.

We complain about political dishonesty on the one hand and then require it on the other. Look, there are more self-identifying atheists in this country than there are Jews, Muslims and Buddhists combined. And yet they get 38 congressional seats to our zero. And that's just self-identifying atheists. You tack in all the nuns and we're more than one fifth of the U.S. population and virtually zero percent of its Congress. This isn't a small problem, but it also isn't an insurmountable one. Look, according to Pew data, even nonreligious Americans are less likely to vote for nonreligious candidates. Our dominant cultural bias equates religious with moral.

And while it's not fair to blame the stereotyped group for the stereotype, we're still the only ones who are going to change that. You know, we need to do a better job pushing back against the cultural mean that says atheists are less trustworthy, less charitable, and less moral. And we need to do so by providing an example of trustworthy, charitable, moral atheists. Now, look, if you're not trustworthy, charitable, or moral, obviously I'm not talking about you. Go ahead and tell people you're a Catholic or something. And if you're in a position where self-identifying can cost you your job or your family or your safety, obviously I'm not talking about you. Go ahead and tell people you're a Catholic or something. And if you're in a position where self-identifying can cost you your job or your family or your safety, obviously I'm not talking to you either. But if you can and you don't, you're doing at least some small part to maintain that stereotype. So sure, we need to keep supporting secular candidates, identifying ourselves as secular voters, voicing our secular

concerns to our religious representatives and voting even when the White House isn't on the line. But we also need to get that low-hanging fruit. We need to wear the label proudly wherever and whenever we can. And not to be too grandiose or too patriotic, but given our present political circumstance, I feel like it's pretty defensible to say that the future of our country depends on it. They're talking about you, Jesus. Interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news

bulletin joining me for headlines tonight are the laverne and shirley a humanist humorist heath enright and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to win the hearts and minds of america with your wacky antics uh for the younger members of our audience that was a show about two lesbians who were too unattractive to be on tv today, just the younger members. Yeah. And that's why we have a podcast. Speaking of which, if we want to keep having it, we've got to pay the bills. So before we jump into headlines, we'll take a quick break to hear from this week's sponsor, Blue Apron. Hi, it's me, Tony D.

And I'm here on behalf of Takeout Restaurants of America to make one simple request. Don't order Blue Apron. By delivering fresh, pre-portioned ingredients straight to your door along with easy-to-follow recipe instruction cards that not only teach you how to make the dish, but teach you the skill you need to learn to cook, Blue Apron has become the scourge of dinzy takeout places across our country. Blue Apron has become the scourge of dinzy takeout places across our country take for example this poor soul, Raja from Burgers and Fries in downtown New York

for Blue Apron the fact that our cold wet burgers took an hour and a half to deliver for $18 was just too bad, but with Blue Apron costing less than $10 a meal and allowing people to make their own dishes for a variety of diets and tastes I feel like the world is passing me by.

Or this fine gentleman, Papa Rizzolo from Rizzolo's Pizza. Nobody ever noticed a D from the health department on our door because nobody ever came into the store. Heck, we spend an entire year using literal cardboard as pizza crust, but with Blue Apron establishing partnerships with over 150 local farms, fisheries, and ranches across the United States, people expect, you know, actual cheese. It's impossible. So whatever you do, please do not check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com forward slash scathing. We know you will love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron, but please don't do that. That's blueapron.com slash scathing. Blue Apron, a better way to cook, but please don't. Order from us instead. And now, back to the show. And if you hated that ad and want

to make it go away forever, you can give us money at patreon.com forward slash scathing for an extended ad-free version of the show each and every week, optional free copies of our books, and a compliment to your extraordinary genitals. And they are extraordinary.

That was creepy. That was a really creepy one. He's just too distracted to do the lead story now. I got excited by everybody's genitals. All right. All right, lead story. Lead story night. You can do it.

Lead story night from the UR file. According to a recent article from the Daily Mail, fact-checking website Snopes.com is not a reliable source for vetting potentially fake news but don't worry snopes fans not as bad as it sounds because according to a certain ubiquitous fact checking website that i won't name the daily mail is very often stupid and wrong right and is therefore not a reliable source for vetting of potentially fake news.

But with all their fake news. In related news, MySpace announces that Facebook gives you cancer. Well, right. When fucking Dracula starts an anti-garlic campaign, it's kind of on him to prove he doesn't have ulterior motives, right? Well, excuse me

for caring about sustainable farming side note here i was originally going to go with like the house trying to gut their own ethics panel but that stopped being funny after i wrote it so i went i went for dracula i got to do a vampire voice well right and dracula's less frightening than the 115th congress 16th whatever we're on now all right so the controversy about fact checking and fake news really start to ramp up recently after facebook announced that they're planning to use snopes as one of their sources for identifying uh blatant lies being shared as news on their thing, which seems to be a growing problem among idiots who get their news on Facebook.

Right. Quick examples. Despite the meme you saw, the Pope did not endorse Donald Trump. No. There was not a Nazi submarine found in the Great Lakes earlier this year. And there is not a meth addicted cannibal problem in Central Park, Manhattan. Define problem. I'm just one guy.

It's minor. Well, I hate to play devil's advocate here, but maybe if the mainstream media stepped up how dank they are, this wouldn't be a problem. Where's the accountability? That's what I'm saying. Well, right. But look, if you actually want to discredit a source, that would be pretty easy right you could just show some shit they said and then show that it's wrong and then go have a fucking bong rip your job here is done or not the bong rip our job is done right but instead their takedown was they got a divorce one of them

has a political opinion and this guy hires hookers none of of which discredits the source. If he was going to the hookers for citation, that's one thing. If stealing from the company you work for in order to hire high class prostitutes who used to be porn stars makes you an unreliable source, then you should stop listening to this show.

I'm going to do that as soon as Noah lets me touch the money. Dude, you asked to be paid in Oreos last month. I invested in Oreos last month. Better than pounds. Now, I understand the instinct for people to worry that there's some kind of slippery slope here. But real quick, let's look at one more example of fake news. But real quick, let's look at one more example of fake news.

Some non-zero number of American voters actually believe that Hillary Clinton is running a child prostitution ring using secret tunnels underneath a pizza place in D.C. So there's a slippery slope of fake news. Pretty sure we're at the fucking bottom. I certainly hope so. When you've got actual state actors threatening nuclear goddamn war over it, yeah, I don't think it gets much darker than that. That's fake, fake news. Yeah.

And in stark, dark Ark Park benchmark news tonight, the collective and unequivocal economic predictions from all of organized atheism regarding the financial success of Ken Ham's Ark Park proved themselves true this year, leading many to believe that atheists use baby sacrifice rituals to see in the future because that's easier than admitting how much motivated idiocy it took not to force you the looming fucking fiscal disaster

of investing tax dollars in a ride-less amusement park geared towards people who drive trucks through mud for entertainment. Okay, I don't think it's fair to call it ride-less when 80% of its inhabitants are on rascals. I'm just telling you. And if you're not picturing Tom and Cecil on stolen rascals jousting each other with Asherapoles in the art park, you're a better person than me. Prosperity gospel is not a virtue. I just want to say if I were picturing that, that would be the least homoerotic vision

of Tom and Cecil jousting that I'd ever had. So according to a recent report in the Cincinnati Inquirer, in the time since the art park announced the date of its opening, the total number of chain businesses in the surrounding area, including hotels, motels, gas stations, and restaurants, has increased by zero. And when present or planned construction is added in, it brings the total up to still zero.

Okay, so that's failed business, bullshit tax avoidance, and ruined local economy. Yep. Ken Ham just needs to brag about sexual assault on camera, and he's ready to be president i refuse to laugh at that everything that i laugh at comes true don't worry he's a he's an immigrant we don't have to worry about him now i should note that

about the same time the arc park officially announced the opening the county that it's in held a vote to move from a moist county one one that severely restricts alcohol sales, to a wet county. Marking the only time anywhere Ken Ham has caused a place to go from moist to wet. Unless you cannot pee. Loves the elderly. And in Crazilia Banks news tonight, hip-hop artist Azelia Banks has people clucking this week when she posted a video of herself on Instagram cleaning out her animal sacrifice closet.

Really? Yep. That's not a joke. Like a setup to a joke. She just posted a video of herself on Instagram cleaning out the closet where she sacrifices chickens as a magic spell because she believes she's a witch. And Jesus can't hit a fastball. Right. But Pedro Serrano can hit a curveball.

All by himself. All worked out. A little backstory here for those unfamiliar. Banks is probably best known for getting into a fist fight with russell crowe according to an interview with us weekly she was the plus one of artist rza at a party at crowe's apartment when he told her her career was going nowhere and then attacked her and threw her out of the apartment i guess uh she wasn't entertained no No? RZA. And it's definitely RZA. You're extremely white.

It's RZA? It's RZA? You have three letters and you want me to put in an I and an H and an... Okay. I'm the whitest person and I knew... Okay, anyway, go ahead. However, according to everyone else at the party, including RZA, who needs an I, and an extra Z, that's fine. No, that would be RZA, who needs a I, and an extra Z, that's fine.

No, that would be RZA. Except for Rizzoli. According to everyone else at the party, including the soon-to-be-unnamed rapper, he asked, what actually happened is Russell crowe asked her how her career was going to which she started screaming and threatened to cut him and other guests the point is being fucking nuts is kind of on brand for her that's right well i mean look when you're the belligerent violent asshole at a party that has russell fucking crow at it you have achieved professional levels of not fucking indeed that's not a phone this is a phone you could be in a rake around the world anyways in

the video banks very casually discusses cleaning up three years worth of animal sacrifice remains like she's fucking julia sacrificed a child ending the video with quote real witches do things end quote well okay I mean I've heard that fake witches don't things so that actually makes sense right

okay so if she was a real witch wouldn't she be more famous than Azealia fucking Banks right don't get me wrong, I don't exactly have my ear to the heartbeat of hip-hop, because I don't know that people with three letters are actually pronounced

Razolia Isles, but I feel like if you offer a blood sacrifice to a long-dead god, household name kind of has to be part of the package. I don't know. I've seen people using it for nothing more than increased foot traffic at an African bodega. Yeah.

She's no Jays. That's how it's pronounced. Anyway, aside from like mean tweets, it appears that we have entirely moved on from this because it's 2017. And when Donald Trump is president, artists practicing animal sacrifices downright humdrum, I guess. Right, apparently. And in Pitchcraft news tonight,

we got a similar story, or at least related. Magical spells are no longer permitted during soccer games in the Rwandan Premier League. At least not from players and team personnel. Oh, okay. No, it's not.

It's crazy as it sounded originally. Thus ruining Azealia Banks' budding African soccer career. Yeah. So according to a new policy declaration by the league office, any player who gets caught doing witchcraft, whatever the fuck caught means, will be fined about $120. And if the club is involved, again, whatever the fuck involved means and caught means, the team will lose three points in the standings and get an even larger fine. So I guess we'll be seeing magic, but it'll be more expensive now.

So probably only from the big market teams of Rwandan soccer. The Rwandan Yankees, exactly. Rwandan soccer. Well, I mean, I guess that's fine if you're a chaser, but this is going to fuck things all up for the Seekers. I made a Harry Potter joke. I'm absolutely

sure I fucked it up too. And I'm absolutely sure I fucked it up, too. And I'm equally sure it's irritating the fuck out of Eli, which is why I did it. No, no, actually totally accurate. Quidditch parts of the books don't make any fucking sense, so checkmate, atheists. All right, so the new regulation here was in response to a recent match during which a player hit the goalpost with a shot, almost scored, and then went over to cast a spell on the post. Really? That was amazing.

At which point, the opposing goalkeeper, apparently knowing exactly what the striker was doing, chased him out of the area like Benny Hill. Seriously, watch the video. It's fantastic. And possibly maybe dub in Yakety Sax if you don't have anything else to do. Send it back to us. So anyway, the ref seemed to know what happened as well somehow.

Yes. And gave the striker a yellow card for this, for magicing apparently, a yellow card for that but it was too late because only minutes later the magic spell kicked in and the warlock scored the game tying goal which of course caused the other team to go nuts and harassed the league office until they got an official magic ban meanwhile cut to tom brady calling the rwandan ambassador right how much magic you guys give me for a picture of my wife's tits huh huh? She's white. Tom Brady was the dad in the Brady Bunch, for anyone wondering.

Died of AIDS. He was the boyfriend in Laverne and Shirley. Obviously, this whole idea is pretty silly. First of all, spectators can continue casting spells, so new policy is pretty much

meaningless. They can't get right up to the goal unless Hermione sets their robes on fire. That's a Harry Potter joke. That's a Harry Potter joke. That's a deep cut. They didn't think it through is what I'm saying. Also the league hasn't announced how exactly they

plan to enforce the rule. So lots of players, I guess they're building bridges out of themselves, but it's not clear if that's useful to anybody. Bottom line, until the league decides to be reasonable about this and come up with rules that make fucking sense, nothing's going to change in Rwandan soccer. Still controlled by the devil, exactly. And then I quoted myself out of context news tonight.

Gospel singer and Forrest Whitaker at a drag show, Kim Burrell, or Burrell, is in hot water for a homophobic screed that went viral the week before she was scheduled to appear on Ellen DeGeneres' TV show. So during a recent sermon slash weird person yelling at you on the subway impersonation, Burrell said the gays deserve to die and burn in hell before adding this spectacular chunk of bigotry. This is probably my favorite quote I will have ever read on the show. Quote, you cannot get instruction from God's holiness with that much perversion. You as a man, open your mouth and take a man's penis in your face.

You are perverted you are a woman and will shake your face in another woman's breast you are perverted end quote i love how she doesn't know how lesbian sex works so she stole our bit about dudes rubbing butts together like you're gay you take a penis you're a lesbian and you mash them together or like okay can anybody uh something with ovaries play catch they play catch with them that's not the point point is anyway you're gross and you're going to hell. There's a cup involved. I feel like I heard about a cup. It's gross, right?

I got to the end of that quote and I'm like, I'm not writing any jokes. I'm just going to let these kids have this. This was my gift to you for 2017. I feel like she got to the end of that quote. She was like, I'm not going to write any jokes. So after the sermon, i guess went viral burl who would like to continue to have some sort of recording career issued what some people might classify as an apology if they weren't being too strict with the definition okay so she took to facebook live to explain that she never actually

said lgbt so people should get off her fucking case about it what and well and despite the graphic cock sucking and motor boating imagery she invoked she insisted she was just talking about sin in general and then all the criticism she was facing was authored by the devil and her second apology both of them are gone now i'm pretty sure he deleted both but her second apology also included the excuse that she was only speaking to her congregation right as in like yeah no i said the n word but i was at an irish bar talk yes now of course at the heart of the controversy is one of those ladies who shakes her face and other women's breasts namely ellen degeneres who is scheduled to have burl on her

show to perform a song from the Hidden Figures soundtrack the following week. Since this all went public, of course, fans of the show have called upon her to rescind the invitation or at least make her eat some pussy on stage in penance. I'll allow it. I bet you will. Sustained. And as of the time of this writing, the show hasn't announced any plans to cancel the performance, so unless they go with the forced cunnilingus thing, we're going to have to just leave it to you to figure out how the story ends. And in

and your little god too news tonight. As some of our listeners might be aware, the American Humanist Association's Apginani Humanist Legal Center, go fuck yourself guys. It's pronounced RZA. A-P-P-I-G-N-A-N-I

go fuck yourself sure Appalachian RZA the AHA's humanist legal center has been in a legal battle with the Douglas County School District in Colorado over the last few years over the public school

district's government funded support of none other than Franklin Graham's Operation Christmas Child. Operation Christmas Child. I thought Andy Wilson was in charge of that. Different thing? No, no, no. That was the code name. We use the same code name for Eli's present.

I see why you got confused. Oh, you spoiled it for me. Sorry. Not really. They're like Christmas trees if you don't throw them out by the first. Anyway. Just don't touch the side when it gets there. Anyways, Operation Christmas Child is a

charity which encourages its donors to pack small gifts, toys, and household supplies into a shoebox to be given to children in foreign country. It's pretty nice, right? Along with a Jesus pamphlet. Buy people who want to convert them to Christianity, and after they get the gift,

they get asked to sign up for a 12-week Bible study course. Yep. Really. What I'm saying is, this charity is about as conditional as crossing the bridge as a billy goat gruff. Well, it's fucking, it's theocratic Iron Age loot crate, basically.

Yeah. That's next week's theme, by the way. And look, while we think it's pretty deplorable to make charity conditional on listening to the Jesus guy and taking the Jesus pamphlet and let's face it, probably being pressured into signing up for Jesus lessons, through a church, it's not illegal.

What's illegal is doing this through and funding it through a public school. Right. Anyway, as a result of protecting the Constitution, the conservative legal group, in big ol' scare quotes, Beckett Law, the conservative legal group in big old scare quotes beckett law awarded the aha the ebenezer award a yearly award which they give out to those who attempt to take religion out of the holiday along with a description of the timeline that would make oj simpson blush all right i'm not sure what you meant by that timeline thing but it it sounds racist. I'm going to assume that's your one. They can blush. That's definitely your one right there.

And Heath Enright, you tweeted, he thinks you can't blush. Send him a picture of you blushing. Rude. Rude. Look, here's the thing. Look, here's the thing. If we're going to send people mean, like, bitchy gifts, I got to admit, that sounds an awful lot to me like a prank war.

And as a result, I'd like to be the very first to announce the very first annual Scathing Atheist Go Fuck Yourself Award. I nominate airport security in Dublin. Oh, you were thinking of you were thinking of of of these and then and that's fine i get it i get it that's cool next year next year you see the wonderful thing about the aha is they allow gift subscriptions of the humanist for just 25 dollars and i've already arranged to have a full year sent to Beckett Law with the title of the Go Fuck Yourself Award to 1200 New Hampshire Ave, Northwest Suite 700, Washington, D.C. 20036. But I have a feeling they're going to want more than one. All right.

Well, I just got them another one and a truckload of potatoes for the kids. That's a smart joke so if you've got the money to spare and you haven't already given it to us consider donating a gift subscription to the humanist to beckett law and have it sent to again 1200 new hampshire avenue northwest suite 700 washington dc36, you'll be supporting a great cause and reminding Beckett Law Center that if you want to have a prank war, we can have a fucking prank war.

This is what we call an opening volley, Beckett Center. Alright? Congratulations, Beckett Law. Go fuck yourself. And airport security in Dublin, too. And finally tonight, from the spiritual gangster rap file, thanks to a fantastic mistake in lyrics printing,

instead of the Hail Mary full of grace that everyone was probably expecting, a Catholic service in lanka from last month featured a very confused i'm assuming rendition of the tupac song called hail mary now uh again i'm assuming the tupac version only lasted a few confused lines but i would pay almost any amount of money to see that little burst right especially if a few old sri lankan women really got into it like it happened in my head just now glad to know that mine isn't the only head played with visions of a few old sri lankan women really getting into it that's standard it is not but you're seriously no turn that shit back up just tiny yoda looking ladies hitting dabs with grills on and that's your several more i don't know how many several more they can grill

see this is the problem is i try to help him and he just lashes out okay so uh i'm assuming lots of the uh white atheist nerds like myself who might be listening are not familiar with the prayer hymn nor the Tupac song nor RZA and GZA apparently. So here's a little piece of each one of those things to give everyone an idea. First, the Catholic version they were supposed to be singing called Hail Mary Full of Grace. Hail Mary Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. And now the Tupac lyrics they did sing, or at least I really, really hope they did. Machiavelli in this, Illuminati all through your body.

The blows like a 12-gauge shoddy. Feel me. Skipping ahead. I ain't a killer, but don't push me. Revenge is like the sweetest joy next to getting pussy. Saying the old Sri Lankan women as they crumped in the pews and hit dabs with grills on, according to racist. crumped in the pews and hit dabs with grills on according to racist this could only have been better if like they'd also phonetically rendered the beatbox line for the baritones i mean how awesome is 2017 right we get this story plus azalea banks chopping the heads of the chickens

in a fucking closet and it's just we're only a couple days in it's gonna be a good this year and again hate to be the guys that are always plugging patreon but if you guys got your shit together and gave us that crazy billionaire money we would already have paid a sri lankan church choir to reenact this on youtube you want to see heathen robes very cautiously cautiously and whitely reading rap lyrics. Old ladies in the back. Gary Busey, yeah. So according to the church, they asked some kid to make the programs for him. That's how this happened.

And he printed the wrong lyrics by accident. Accident in my house. And if I thought Eli was aware of Tupac Shakur, I'd assume this was part of an elaborate prank war. I mean, define aware. I'd assume this is part of an elaborate prank war. I mean, define a where. I'd rather not. Either way, you definitely know some young boys in Sri Lanka, is what I'm saying. Okay, Andy introduced us. For Christmas. Operation Christmas Child.

Okay, well, that's as good a segue as any, I suppose. It's obviously time for us to make an offensive list. Oh, good. Offensiveness. We were lacking a little. I would say, yeah, we'll need 10 minutes on the clock so we can all Google some rappers other than Eminem. We've already done that.

So now let's go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock. Ideas for Christian themed hip hop. Go. A tribe called Jews. Only I can judge you. Two live crew suffice. Wyclef John the the Baptist Methodist man Rather be your

Savior Jesus of Nazareth Nazarenes With attitudes Fitty shackle The real Christ baby Is that real Slim Shady? Yeah, Real Christ Baby, Real Slim Shady.

We said besides Eminem, seriously. You said besides Eminem. You said that. You wanted to get three deep? Hot RZA was like call letters. We got two black ones in there for me. All right. All right, what about Clan Ye West?

Grand Wizard Khalifa. I'm going themed here. Waka Flocka Flaming Cross. Oh, I like it. I like it. It's a KKK. And now that we've proved ourselves so white, we all have to start answering to Chad. What?

We can close out the headlines for the night. Chad, Chad, thanks as always. Operation Christmas Child. And when we come back, we'll crack open the book of mormon and start regretting it almost immediately while for many the budding of a new year means hope promise and renewal for us it means another fucking holy book. We spent 2013 and 2014 working our way through the Hebrew Bible. 2015 was pissed away on the New Testament. And of course, we spent last year suffering through the Quran. And this year,

we'll be sampling some good old-fashioned American-born idiocy in the Book of Mormon. And I have to say, as an avowed addict of Bryce Blankenagle's Naked Mormonism podcast, I am oddly looking forward to this one i'm also counting on this bringing some frustrated super hot ex-mormon girls into our listenership oh ex-mormon girls we have empty binders we've cleared out the binders restraints whatever you need and of course still wondering how the fuck she got suckered into the whole holy book thing is my lovely wife lucinda lucinda how fired up are you to read the book of mormon well it's not the quran yeah if you told me we were gonna spend this year on vogon

poetry i'd be okay with it well i feel like we were saying the same thing about the quran and the new testament this time last year but no but i'm I'm with you. I'm with you. It can't be worse. It could only be as bad. It's a good meter in Pokemon. All right. So before we get started, I want to give the audience an idea where we are to start. So if you guys don't mind, give us an idea of how much you know about the Book of Mormon going into the actual reading. I know they won a Tony Award.

Several. That's about it. Yeah. Well, let's see. I know it's two books in a row dictated by polygamous men who fucked kids. Yeah. Yes. Yes.

Cool. Connective tissue. All the ex-Mormon girls read it, and now they're so mad and so eager to upset their parents. Perhaps with a chubby atheist Jew. He's on a show called Scathing Atheist, Dad. He's on a show called Scathing Atheist, Dad. He's on a show called Scathing Atheist. Oh, they'll be so mad at you. They'll be so mad.

And so free of Lyme disease. All right. So we're actually... It doesn't work. I don't want to tease anybody here, especially not Eli, apparently, but we're not actually going to be starting the Book of Mormon proper this week.

Rather, we're just going to work our way through the introductions and brief testimonials that precede it. So, Lucinda, why don't you start us off with the introduction? Sure, sure. And I love this. It actually says right at the beginning that, quote, this book is comparable to the Bible. I don't think books get to declare that of themselves. I mean, I don't know. It kind of works. It's boring, largely untrue, tiny print, only book gift anyone's ever given me that makes me like

them less. Largely untrue? Largely? I don't think we're ever going to come across a sentence that isn't demonstrably bullshit in this entire thing. Joseph Smith went to bed. That wasn't

the whole sentence. And just in general, starting your book with this is going to be a lot like the Bible, not a great sign. It's like having Eli introduce it like a movie. Well, if you like Bibles, but you really hate black people, you're going to love this book. Coincidentally, that could be the intro to almost every Christian movie we watch on GAM. Coincidentally, that could be the intro to almost every Christian movie we watch on Gant. That's like one of his spare intros right there.

Because he can't come up with anything. Also, I count four demonstrable falsehoods in the first two sentences of the intro. This is going to be a fucking Herculean task, I think. Well, and then we move on to the even more full of shit second paragraph where it lays down the plot. Ancient American prophets from Israel scratched all this shit onto golden plates. Yep.

Okay, so we're two paragraphs in, and it's already very clearly a land grab. Yes. It might as well say, alright, Mitt Romney owns the Sioux Tribe and the Dakota Accents, whatever that happens. Spain capital's on it.

That's theirs. Right, and then the book sucks its own dick a bit, a la the Quran, and then it has this quote from Joseph Smith about it being, quote, the most correct book of any on earth. Where have we heard that before? Right, and I find this hilarious because according to the original typesetter for this book, the most correct book of any on earth. Where have we heard that before? Right.

And I find this hilarious because according to the original typesetter for this book, this thing was scrawled out like Eli's gam notes. Also like my gam notes, lots of racism against Native Americans. Fun fact. Right, but I cut that out. He needed a meet is when he made it. Maybe if you weren't a shill for the oil companies, people would still listen skeptic that's all i'm saying no but i love this this is one of my favorite things in the world this was actually a huge controversy among the budding mormons when

they first brought the book in to be typeset you know because he kept saying it's a perfect book there are no errors and the guy's like yeah so there should be commas in here somewhere um and then there was a big controversy about whether they should let the typesetter fix the punctuation he's got to call him and go like i don't even know where one sentence ends in another you're gonna have to you're just gonna have to guess um all right so then we move on to the witnesses and since there actually weren't any gold plates and joseph smith was unable to mock up anything that would look remotely convincing He had to say that God took him back. So we preface the whole book with 11 friends of his that swear that there were gold plates that had some Egyptian handwriting on them. And this is the first time we get a taste of how this thing is actually written. And I'd have to describe the style as bad improv comics doing biblical after breaking up with their girlfriends.

It's awful. the style as bad improv comics doing biblical after breaking up with their girlfriends. A lot of haps and vows, yeah. This entire section is basically we all saw nobody open up that sample of Stephen Avery's blood. That did not happen at all. On golden plates. From God. Didn't happen.

We saw it not. And also, this is super important. They say that the plates, quote, have been shown unto us by the power of God, not of man, end quote. Which means that they saw them in a vision. Even in this book, they're not claiming

that Joseph Smith said, like, hey, check out these gold plates. They had a shared vision of an angel showing them golden plates. Okay, but that time me and Heath both wanted tacos, that shit was real. Damn right. Alright, we're gonna prove it again. Name the next

three meals you want, Eli. Ready? Ready. Go. Tacos. Tacos. Tacos. Tacos. Tacos. See? I stand corrected. There's this weird brought to you by Tide Simply Clean moment where they say that if they're fateful to Christ, quote, we shall rid our garments of the blood of all men and be found spotless before the judgment seat. What? I don't know. Yeah.

That's another early warning that these are terrifying, murdery people. Basically doing Lady Macbeth, out damn spot, out I say. And we just started. And note the signatures at the bottom here. So here's the people. Oliver Cowdery, David Whitmer, Martin Harris. Just keep those names, especially those surnames, especially that second one, in mind as we move on to the additional testimony of the eight witnesses. Yeah, and apparently this was added because even Joseph Smith recognized that three guys talking about hallucinating together isn't super convincing.

So these eight people swear that they actually saw and touched the golden plate. So stupid. Five-year-old's lying. I know. That's stupid. No, I was there, and the dragon, it went and it it went, but he had a shield fucking sitting there with his editor. Seriously.

But eight guys, Steve, he's got a lunch thing. All right. Okay. Martin makes three. Three ought to do it. Don't you think? You think we need eight more? You think we need eight more? You think we need eight more?

Joseph's 11. All right, we'll get eight more. Now, also, this is the first time that we hear that something has curious workmanship. Now, I want to put a pin in that because I've been told we might come across it again. Yes. Curious workmanship in the Book of Mormon is the story of Moses in the Quran. Yeah, right.

Exactly. That's the SAT question version. Okay, but how is engravings on a plate going to be curious workmanship? Yeah, right. Were the plates an impossible fractal of tetrahedrons? Some kind of lizard alien plate technology they were using? Do they glow when goblins

and orcs are around? What does that mean? It would be the dumbest claim in this book. Alright, so then after they promised they weren't shit-faced when they said all this, we get the signatures, and the signatures are four Whitmers, Hiram Page, and three Smiths,

including Joseph's dad. All right, so the entirety of the 11 witnesses is a couple of members of his immediate family, three other dudes, and one family of nutjobs. That is all of the eyewitness evidence that God sent down a new Bible. That's all God thought he needed. Yeah, it seems like if all that was required was these are plates made of gold-colored metal with symbols on them, this should be the testimony of the 914 whips.

You would think, right? Seriously, Joe. Put some goddamn effort in. Get some brass, a hammer, make it an even dozen. Right, slack ass. Honestly, honestly, listen to Naked Mormonism. The stories of his efforts, his obvious efforts to make golden-looking plates are hilarious. And the last sentence, we're not lying.

Yes. That's the last sentence of that section. It is. Not great. And then we move on to the actual words of Joey about how he came upon the plates in the first place. And this whole sequence is exquisitely homoerotic. Yeah. And like all credible stories, it starts with him seeing an angel while he was alone in a room before photography existed.

I am telling you an angel ate Heath's tacos. I'm not doing this on air. Okay, why are you crunching up lines of lactate right now? Not lactate. Bloody meth. lines of lactate right now not lactate bloody meth and then we get the we get the crazy gay description of the angel's appearance even so far as like specifically noting that the angel was going commando yeah so so far we have david blaine dressed in a kimono and nothing else facing at a weird angle aka my sex fantasy.A. my sex fantasy. Our, our sex fantasy.

We also get our first sampling of Mormon racism here. I just, again, putting a pin in it. Note that the angel is not just a little white, right? Whiteness equals holiness. This, like curious workmanship, will be a running theme. Yes, he uses the word white or whiteness four times in describing this angel. In the sentence, in the one sentence. Yeah.

Yeah. So definitely not David Blaine. But based on the melanoma, white skin and ample bosom, it's sounding more like me now. When you wear your kimono. Yeah. Very nice. So the angel identifies himself as Moroni and tells Joey he needs to run off and find the golden plates. Right, right.

And also the angel explains how awesome and important Joseph Smith is. And I mean, look, even if all of this shit really happened, it seemed crazy arrogant to include that here. And then the angel said, oh, man, Joseph, you are swinging some pipe. What is that, 11, 12 inches? Anyway. you are swinging some pipe. What is that? 11, 12 inches? Anyway.

And the angel also explains that there are magic rocks called the Urum and Thummim which will allow their possessor to translate the magic plate. So basically he's setting up the first part of a Zelda adventure. I'm going to have to find the master sword before this thing's over. Take this.

It's dangerous to be a homophobe. find the master sword before this thing's over. Take this. It's dangerous to be a homophobe. Well, there's also this preemptive note that he's not allowed to show anybody the plates. Unless God says it's okay. Yeah. Five-year-old.

And he can't show anybody the rocks either. Nobody can see anything because the angel said you guys, he's sad. Same with the 12 inches thing. I'm a grower, not a showman. I do have 11 witnesses though.

It's cold in this state. The camera loses 10 inches. Sorry. So then the angel disappears and the chapter keeps going for another three fucking pages. Yeah, because the angel shows back up and says the same fucking thing. Like he's an automated campaign call or something.

Well, right. Now he says the same stuff, but he does add some stuff about the world getting destroyed by famine and pestilence and whatnot. Right. Which means the angel needed a fucking mulligan. If you believe this book, you've got to accept that your angel is the dumb one that all the other angels make fun of. Oh, I want to watch a TV show about Moroni, the worst angel. Picturing Larry David just always being racist by accident. Pretty, pretty, pretty whiteness.

I mean, any kind of whiteness i mean any kind ofness not not because you're black now there's anything wrong with it and and because joe has already run out of original shit two pages in the angel then makes a third appearance that night which makes the whole thing feel like a goddamn comedy routine right the angel keeps showing up like just as joseph's nodding off again going oh oh i meant to I meant to tell you about Satan trying to tempt you earlier when I was talking. Yeah, so then he wakes up the next morning and goes to work. But he's too tired from all the angels visits, of course. So he passes out.

And then the goddamn angel shows up again while he passed out. And by the way, every time this happens, he points out that the angel repeated all the stuff he'd said up to that point like a periodic retelling of the 12 days of christmas like that car game like i'm going on a picnic and i'm bringing yeah angel food cake b bane capital c decaf coffee e elfin magic five golden plates I also love that Joseph Smith can't get through a four page recollection of an episode in his life without hitting upon a time

he cut out of work early late dad and all the angel added in this last visit was go tell your dad dude you tell my dad he's already falling apart you've already shown him so okay so Joseph goes to the hill where the plates are and we get this prolonged explanation tell my dad. He's already falling apart. Already shown.

So, okay, so Joseph goes to the hill where the plates are and we get this prolonged explanation of how he like opened the box that they were in and shit. Yeah, and just for the record, Andy Dufresne's box for red is way better hidden than God's box of magic in Palmyra, New York, or wherever the fuck it is.

Right, but the angel won't let him take them yet because otherwise this boring-ass recollection will be over with. Right. The angel's basically like, dude, those are Tiffany's crystal seer stones. Just look at them and appreciate them. You don't have to touch them.

Yeah, so instead he has to come back once a year for four years to chat with the angel and only then will he give up the place. This is like trying to get laid in high school. Oh, did he come all over the outside of the box? I know it's that white. It's because you're so holy.

It's so white. Okay, so then he finally gets the plates and he devotes a couple of paragraphs to talking about how everybody tried to get his magic plates but nobody ever could. Which is a thing a sane person has never and will never say. I didn't say they were magic.

I said the tacos disappeared. You guys are mean. Yeah. So based on this intro section, Joseph Smith sounds like a breakfast cereal master. This book feels like a Lucky Charms commercial so far. Now, interestingly enough enough this whole bit about everybody trying to steal his magic bag or whatever that was kind of true it's one of the

funniest things about mormon history because enough people in that area were talking about joseph smith and his supposed golden plates that people actually were trying to steal the thing that didn't exist which may be my favorite testament to human stupidity, but I'm not done with the Book of Mormon yet. Oh, crazy billionaire money. We make a Roadrunner-esque cartoon about people trying to steal Joseph Smith's bank. White spy, black spy, white spy always wins.

Or in this case, white spy, white spy. Yeah. So with our toes dipped thusly into the water, I guess we'll wrap this up for the week. But before I do, I was wondering if you guys wanted to throw out any expectations, like anything you're looking forward to in the Book of Mormon? Yes. Two words. Wooden submarine. That's going to happen at some point.

We all live in a wooden submarine. Cannot wait for this one. I'm going to go with spectacular racism. I feel like the shit Muhammad talked about the Jews is going to pale in comparison. I am going to say pseudoscience frozen in time. Good answer. And actually, you know, that kind of relates to my answer because like the whole concept behind the book, not to get too far in this rabbit hole, behind the book, not to get too far in this rabbit hole, but the whole concept behind this book feeds on the common belief at the time that there was a race of white people

that used to live in America way back when, since, you know, obviously non-whites couldn't have perfected the kind of dirt-piling technology exhibited in some of the Native American burial mounds. That's fair. Yeah. So there was a whole branch of pseudo-history about the mound-building white people. Ah, okay. Well, let's see.

Lucinda typed, if you say another ex-Mormon girl joke, I. Well, let's see. Lucinda typed, if you say another ex-Mormon girl joke, I'm going to step on your nuts till you die. So I'm going to send you a guide forward to magic compasses and ridiculous foiled brother murder attempts on next time. All right.

So we're going to be breaking this thing down into 16 segments, but it won't be chapter by chapter exactly. In fact, it looks like we're going to be digging our way through Nephi until April. So in three weeks, we're going to be reading the first 11 chapters of 1 Nephi,

and then we're going to polish that book off in the following segment. Of course, if you'd like to read along, you can find the Book of Mormon online, and there's a bunch of people just dying to give them away, as it turns out. So it should be pretty easy.

Like an ex-Mormon girl. I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! Moroni, you have returned. Did you tell my prophet Joseph

Smith about the plates? I did, my lord. And you told him about the famine and pestilence and Satan trying to tempt him? Ooh. Uh. What? What ooh?

Uh, yeah. Not gonna lie, totally slipped my mind. It slipped your mind? Wait, wait, wait, wait. What slipped your mind? The, uh, Satan and pestilence thing. Well, get back down there and tell him. Uh, okay, well...

Um, okay, here's the thing. If I go down there again, I think I'm gonna look stupid, you know? Well, you are stupid as why, Maroney. Okay, sorry. Sorry. That guy. Okay, sorry. Sorry. That guy. Okay, I told him about the plates and the pestilence and all that stuff.

Wait, wait. You told him about the plates again? Didn't you already tell him that? Yeah. I told him the exact same way, and then I added the pestilence stuff. I told him the exact same way, and then I added the pestilence stuff. Okay, but you were just supposed to add the pestilence and the Satan stuff. What are you, wandering around a nursing home telling people how they used to make escalators in your day?

Why would you double up? Okay, so you want me to go back and just do the second part? No, no, because that would be twice as stupid. I guess this is fine. Look, if you told him about the past once and the Satan stuff, I guess it's fine. Yeah, no, totally, totally. Of course, I told him about the Satan stuff. Which, just checking with you,

which Satan stuff did I tell him? Moroni. I'm going, I'm going. Okay, but don't forget to tell his dad. He's totally gonna fucking forget that. Before we discard it as though it caused thermal discomfort tonight, I wanted to

remind you one last time that if you're going to be in Chicago next weekend, you should come see us at the Victory Biograph Theater. We're doing a live record of God Awful Movies with Tom and Cecil from Cognitive Dissonance. The VIP tickets are sold out, but there are still a few general admission tickets available, and you can follow the link on the show notes to find them. Anyway, that's all the Blast Me we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, you can hear a brief segment of us fucking around at QED on the most recent episode of the Skeptic Zone podcast. Poor Aaron suffered through like 20 minutes of visual humor and callback jokes to shit that Eli said at lunch, but they managed

to plug out seven or eight good minutes of it somehow. And I will have that linked on the show notes as well. Obviously, this would be some kind of half-assed imitation episode if I neglected to thank Heath for another year of redefining too far and too soon. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for somehow maintaining her faith in humanity despite the weekly TWIM segments, which by the way, will definitely be back next week, she promises. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for helping to make this our most successful and most fun year yet. I also want to thank Ranger Kasdor for providing one of my all-time

favorite Farnsworth quotes, but most of all of course I need to thank this week's most marvelous mammals, Sam Gerard, Vlad, Thomas Dustin, Stephen with a PH, Stephen with a V, Jean-Francois, Brad, Mr. Popo's Pecking Order, Bayrose, Liz, Brent, Zabby, Brian Phil, Marcus, Diane, The Vagina, Dr. Skeptic Notions, Jason, and Mike. Sam, Gerard, Vlad, Thomas, Dustin, Stephen with a PH and Stephen with a V,

the heads of whose erections will finally be visible when they launch that James Webb telescope. Jean-Francois, Brad, Mr. Popo's Pecking Order, Bayrose, Liz, Brent, and Zabby, whose intellects give interstellar distances vastness envy. And Brian, Phil, Marcus, Diane, The Vagina, Dr. Skeptic Notions, Jason, and Mike, whose IQs are so high. California just finally got around to legalizing them together. These 21 pecking orders, vagina doctors,

impalers, podcasts, and other various personages prolonged our persistent, passionate pun, permeated panning of the pure aisle. Pretenses of piety this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the drive neutrality and reverse that it takes to give us money.

But if you think you've got all the requisite gears, you can make a per episode donation at patr patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended edition of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but the dog ate your money, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, Stitcher, or wherever else they'll let you.

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