The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 204: Choir Ire Edition

Episode Date: January 12, 2017

In this week’s episode, the FDA starts handing out O.W.L’s, Vatican City gets super Catholicized, and Eli will learn that women’s jeans reached the bottom of the boob back in the 90s. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Guest Links: Click here to check out the Skeptic Zone podcast: http://www.skepticzone.tv/ Click here to hear Eli on The Thinking Atheist: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thethinkingatheist/2017/01/10/trigger-warnings-and-safe-spaces Click here to get tickets to the live show on 1/13 in Chicago: https://www.eventbrite.com/e/god-awful-movies-live-with-cognitive-dissonance-tickets-29713113723

Warning, the following podcast contains some pretty fucked up language. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Blue Apron, Loot Crate, and the new lodging marketplace for renting a magical room at a church. It's Prayer B&B. Do you believe that praying works? Perfect. Then you probably believe a priest would never sexually assault you and both of those things are equally true prayer bnb everyone loves it in the apps

and now the skating atheist hello richard saunders here from the skeptic zone podcast the podcast from australia for science and reason today excuse me hello hi richard it's maynard here just ringing to tell you that we did in fact evolve from stinking monkey men It's Thursday. It's January 12th. And don't listen to the words we say. Listen to what's in our hearts. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, the FDA starts handing out OWLs. Vatican City gets super Catholicized. And Eli will learn that women's genes reached the bottom of their tits back in the 90s. But first, the diatribe. Y'all remember John Titor? I don't know.

Maybe I'm mispronouncing it. T-I-T-O-R. It was the screen name of the dude who claimed he was an internet time traveler back in like 2000, 2001. This dude claimed to be a soldier sent back from 2036 to warn humanity about an upcoming nuclear holocaust or something like that and if you've never read the post i cannot possibly emphasize how poorly this was done he had every post-apocalyptic world catastrophe sci-fi channel c movie cliche you can imagine squeezed in there along with a snapshot of the pseudoscience du jour that was outdated 15 minutes after he pressed post it was the kind of bullshit that would reveal itself to anyone who made even the slightest attempt to debunk it.

But of course, you know humans, so you already know that a depressing percentage of them were not willing to make that much effort. Now, at the time, I had a lot of dumb friends, so on more than one occasion, I found myself opining on the validity of this self-professed tempanaut. I recall one time in particular, I'm sitting around with half a dozen guys playing poker, and one of them broaches the subject with sort of like a what if air to it. And after a couple of minutes of people concluding that you can never really know for sure, I chimed in. And I don't recall exactly what I said, but the overall point I made was a pretty simple one. Basically, I just said, imagine what it would look like if it was real. And that's pretty much all it takes to dismiss this shit, isn't it? I mean, imagine you went back to 1981 and you had to convince people that you were a time traveler and just to make it a challenge we're gonna give you terminator rules so you can't just bring back an iphone with you

or whatever how long would it take you to definitively prove you are who you say you are and what's more what would that sound like even without making any specific predictions without telling people who's going to win the next super bowl or whatever just the new directions that you could suggest for scientific inquiry would be enough to give the skeptic pause, wouldn't they? And that's just you being time kidnapped without warning. This dude was claiming he was sent back by the government to prevent a worldwide disaster, so they probably just could have told him to memorize next week's Powerball numbers or something. But what I learned from the whole thing was that imagine what it would look like if it were real was an argument that didn't occur to some people until you pointed it out. I mean, isn't that the only thing that you're assessing here? Isn't that the first and in this case, last question that you would have to ask yourself? But of course, none of that should

surprise me. And it certainly wouldn't anymore. After all, I just cracked open my fourth fucking holy book last week. And we've talked about this before, but think about how much better a job you could do in terms of holy books. If I sent you back to the 14th century BCE or the 1st century CE or the 7th century CE, and I asked you to write a book about all the shit that humans should know, how much better could you have done than Moses, Paul, or Muhammad? the shit that humans should know how much better could you have done than moses paul or muhammad yeah assuming we could bridge the language barrier your book would be way better than the pentateuch or the new testament or the quran wouldn't it it would contain scientific truths about the universe and biology that would put human centuries ahead of the game in terms of

technological and philosophical advancement and again that's just you That's not the omnipotent, all-knowing creator of the universe. I mean, even if you accept the convoluted notion the apologists have concocted about God needing faith or protecting free will by not proving his own existence when heliocentrism probably would have done the trick. You can at least expect them to do an affable job telling humans how they should live in the world, right? But instead, you get a poorly worded snapshot of the pre-modern moral philosophy of the day as understood by whatever babbling schizophrenic was seeing God most convincingly at the moment. Just that should be enough to dismiss all the revealed religions, shouldn't it? should be enough to dismiss all the revealed religions, shouldn't it? Simply asking yourself what the Bible would really look like if God wrote it should be all you need to definitively conclude that he didn't. Hell, they like to mine that thing, trying to find tiny little nuggets that might suggest his authors knew anything at all about the universe they lived in, and they can't.

When the Bible kind of sort of suggests that the earth is round, apologists try to point to this as proof that it's divinely inspired, despite the fact that A, it doesn't actually say that. B, it strongly implies the world has corners several times. And C, people figured out the earth was round way before the parts of the Bible they're talking about were even written. But even in formulating these half-assed arguments,

they're admitting that the Bible should have some kind of knowledge beyond that of the educated people at the time it was written, aren't they? It should be more convincing than John Titor's time travel posts, which means that if we're all going to be intellectually honest, it's not going to be any harder to debunk than those posts were. Of course, we're not going to be, are we? But if we're assessing this thing impartially, there are only two possibilities. Either God didn't write the Bible or he's no smarter than an iron age shepherd and it seems to me that christianity would be way better off embracing the former than the latter

joining me for headlines tonight are a couple of shy town bound nouns he fend right knee lab bosnic fellas are you ready to suffer through the inexcusable deep dish drivel that passes for pizza in Chicago? Deep dish pizza is like a tragic knife fight massacre at a kiddie pool. Plus bread. It's like SIDS on toast. Fun fact, when you lean over the wall at the Holocaust Museum, it's just a video of deep dish pizza being made. They swap it in for when the videos get old. pizza being made they swap it in for when the videos get old and a quick reminder that there are still a few tickets left this friday's live show in chicago we're going to be joined by tom

and cecil from cognizant to break down the right to believe an anti-gay propaganda film that brings like all the thrills of arguing with your racist uncle with a mouthful of peanut butter to the silver screen almost certainly the most offensive movie we've ever done. Should be a blast. Anyway, enough of plugging our shit. Let's plug somebody else's for a minute with a word from our first sponsor this week, Blue Aprons. Where each episode we try to recreate a Blue Apron recipe

without all the bother of the pre-portioned fresh ingredients and step-by-step instructions. So tell us, Murgatroyd, what will we be making today? Today we'll be making spicy shrimp and Korean rice cake with cabbage and furikake. Sounds hard. Well, without Blue Apron, it's pretty flippin' impossible, Jezebel. So, what have you got there?

Shrimp. Is it from a local farm or fishery? Nope, I don't have Blue Apron, so I drove through the snow, and this was literally the only shrimp they had at the grocery store. I see. And is it supposed to be gray? Sure. And how did you spice it? Pepper and Tabasco sauce.

Sounds gross. You're gross. Tell us about your Korean rice cakes with cabbage and furry cake. Oh, darn near impossible. So, what is a Korean rice cake? No clue. So, what is a Korean rice cake? No clue. So, I took this rice cake that was regular and then I taught it Starcraft. That's your one.

Sure, I guess so. Then I bought some cabbage and I gulguled furikake, but since I don't have Blue Apron, the chances of getting that where I live are about the same as putting moon rocks on my food. Sounds like Blue Apron was the way to go after all. It sure was. So, for those at home who might want to make this recipe, what would you recommend? Checking out this week's menu and getting their first three meals free with free shipping

by going to blueapron.com slash scathing. You'll love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron. So don't wait. That's blueapron.com slash scathing. You'll love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron, so don't wait. That's blueapron.com slash scathing. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. By the way, you do not want to misspell furikake when you google it. You do not. Oh, furikake. Yeah, I got something very different. Very. And now to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, the Vatican was happy to announce a fully pubescent sex scandal last week when reports surfaced that Italian parish priest Andrea Conton is under investigation for allegedly organizing orgies in his rectory and serving as a pimp for more than a dozen of his lovers.

According to a report in The Independent, authorities seized a variety of sex toys and explicit videos from the church, purportedly containing footage of orgies taking place on church property, and in a spectacular effort to disguise as homemade porn, Conton apparently labeled the videos in question with the names of popes. Either he was trying to hide it, or he was just trying to force a 30-second spin on papal porn titles. Oh, the

penis mitre. The holy semen. Glory holy sea. A pew good men. The papist. The rapist. Altar boys in the hood. Choking the bishop. Cardinal fisting.

Card vaginal. Cream pious one uh cream pies two cream pies in the rectory the roman helmet the roman polanski uh rectory prolapse there's actually a pope named hilarious and uh nazi gold in showers. Oh, God. Add to your Amazon wish list. What were we talking about? I almost don't remember. No, we were talking about this priest who wasn't fucking kids for a change. So as of now,

no charges have been filed against... Compliment sandwich, yeah. So as of now, no charges have been filed against Cotton, but he's being accused of living off immoral earnings and psychological violence amid allegations that he pimped out women using wife swapping websites and swinger resorts cotton has denied the charges but there are multiple sources indicating that it is hard

out there for him so it's evidence at the very least easy a 49 year old church volunteer who spoke to the media on the condition of anonymity admitted to having an affair with contents adding quote there were a lot of women hovering around him i didn't understand that at first only later end quote and that was all the quote they gave so i like to imagine that a bunch of ladies were just floating nearby while he fucked two of them yeah yeah me too like like hummingbirds right yeah lady hummingbirds what were we talking about take note reason con attendees well i have a question how white were these floating ladies we sure this is a guy is it mormon yeah no good question good question now it is worth noting by the way that these complaints were first made to a local bishop

last summer but the church's internal policing system didn't do a goddamn thing apparently imagine that so eventually somebody had to go to the real police so despite uncritical reports of the reforms under pope frankie doodle dandy the procedure for sex abuse allegations still seems to be not sympathetically and pretend you're doing something about it just the pope taking notes during spotlight yeah right the beginning of spotlight oh yeah exactly seem to be working well back in the 50s for him, yeah. And in which doctor is which news tonight? It looks like the Massachusetts House of Representatives works on some sort of bill quota because their latest session ended with what I can only describe

as a legislative two-minute drill during which they decided to pass apparently something, just literally anything we just need one more and the one more they came up with and passed was a bill that sets up a state licensing board for practitioners of medical pseudoscience fucking wonderful just a guy at the DMV, Wingardium Leviosa. Right. Well, look, unfortunately, this is an easy sell for most people because even if you know homeopathy is bullshit, most people think, hey, licensing bullshit is better than unlicensed bullshit. Better to have accountable sorcerers, right? But we, yeah, well, no, because

we know how this fucking plays out right like the fda approves acupuncture needles in the sense that they say yep that one doesn't have any botulism on it and then acupuncturists say look the fda has approved medicinally stabbing people with needles so we already know how this fucking shit plays out right basically we're looking at the governmental version of just letting your little brother hit you in the arm another face just the arm just the right yes okay so here's the good news part of this the bill still needs to be signed by the governor before it takes effect and the governor is charlie baker a former health care exec known to be relatively logical and a friend of evidence. So hopefully he realizes that ranking magical apothecaries is probably not the greatest idea. But for those wondering, Denny and Lee's, Tannen's, Davenport's, Venishing Ink, and Penguin.

In that order. I don't know what any of that means. But those are magic shops. There's a magician listening to this. Loving it! Long tail. So here's the bad news. Even if Baker chooses to veto, which I really hope he does, we still have 18 states out there with official licensing for nonsense like homeopathy and ass fracking autism away with bleach.

So that's still there. You may have hit on something there. I feel like if the term ass fracking catches on, we're going to find a bunch of new Green Party allies. So let's try to roll with that, everybody. Ooh, I like it. Ass fracking. I like it. Makes sense.

Most people who don't do it think it's way harder than it is. If you do it wrong, gas escapes into the air. White women generally like it even though they won't admit it. I get it. I'm saying I get it. Okay. So here's the part I'm saying I get it. Okay. So here's the part I'm most confused about though. What process are they planning on using if the pill gets signed?

Well, yeah, exactly. How does one determine which homeopath gives the best service? Do they check which pills are the wateriest? And what about all the other stuff? check which pills are the wateriest like and what about all the other stuff i mean i don't doubt that eli can indeed fuck away lyme disease but how would they determine if someone else is better at that i'm really asking how would you check that which is why my challenge to the doctors at johns hopkins to a fuck off still goes unanswered looking at you you, Moyam Rosenberg. Looking at you. I don't feel like that's the only reason.

You don't feel that way? Agree or disagree? And in basketball season of The Witch News tonight, those who tuned into last week's show might remember that Rwanda has recently banned witchcraft in soccer. But perhaps it's time for other sports to get on board as well because there was apparently quite the Wizards battle

at a recent Atlanta Hawks game that referees were powerless to stop. Huh. So Wizarding battles are to the NBA as blatant face mask penalties that should negate touchdowns are to the Lions-Seahawks game. Got it, got it. SAT style.

Bullshit. But I'd love to see the audio replay challenge on magic in sports like after review he said double dribble toil and trouble ruling on the court stands so here's the story during wednesday night's game in the fourth quarter an atlanta hawks player missed a free throw that would have extended his team's lead. When the ball bends to Orlando Magic's Serge Ibaka, he very clearly picks up the ball and gives it a pep talk, which I guess is to be expected. After all, he does play for the Orlando Magic. I feel like what we needed here was an intervention from the Washington Wizards. Wizards. needed here was an intervention from the Washington Wizards.

I want to point out that Abaka is also the name of the production company that does our favorite Nigerian soap opera, so this could have been a lot worse. I mean, we're just lucky Paul Millsap doesn't own a bodega. It could have got ugly. He's in there telling the vultures to get their shit together.

Come on, you guys. What the fuck is this? There's nothing in the rule book. This is a vulture can't play basketball oh let's make that movie we have the cgi ability so in response to the the magic spell atlanta's dwight howard grabbed the ball and then very clearly like offers his side of the argument which visibly upset Ibaka and caused him to complain to the ref. Really. Watch the video. It's amazing.

You can see him be like, you see that shit? Wasted my spot. I just had to kill a bat and everything. Bats aren't cheap, man. You ever have lunch with Azealia Banks? Unpleasant. I had to do that. A mix and Lil Cool J just staring at me the whole time. It's really awkward.

And in Converting Minutes or Less news tonight, it seems that there may actually be such a thing as bad for Domino's delivery. I'm just saying, who orders extra sausage and doesn't mean they want to have sex with the delivery guy, OK, you worked at Chuck E. Cheese's worked past tense. No longer allowed. Anyway, we're not we're not actually supposed to talk about that, according to Andrew. So back to the story. After ordering what many Americans would consider pizza from a local chain, Indianapolis Domino's customer Andrea Stone was livid when her order arrived complete with a Jesus pamphlet.

According to her Facebook post, the driver greeted her by saying, quote, here's your pizza. Here's your two liter. Here's your blessing. End quote. Yeah. Well, at least it wasn't Chicago pizza. No, that's that shit. You could be getting the bloody corpse of Christ on a bread tarp and you wouldn't know the difference.

So Domino's actually fun fact makes, makes a Chicago-style pizza. They just fill the box with hot tomato juice and throw it at you. Three out of five stars. It's great. For a Chicago pizza, that's not bad, though. Yeah. So within a day of Stone's post, Domino's corporate headquarters released a statement assuring their customers that, quote, Domino's does not subscribe to or endorse any single

religion, end quote, a statement that may be amended later for employee insurance purposes. Anyway, the driver defended himself to a local news station by explaining that he started handing out the pamphlets after being shot at a few weeks ago and rethinking his life and priorities. And apparently that introspection didn't end with get a different fucking job. Yeah. Instead, he just got himself one enormous breast pocket that covers his whole body and filled it with apparently yeah exactly strategy to be fair shooting someone who brings you a domino's pizza is legally self-defense in six states

stand your ground and look look i delivered pizza for a living for a few years so i empathize with like taking whatever job you can get. But when you're there, you need to understand that you're now completely unqualified to suggest life decisions to other people. Right. Like if anything, you should show up to people's doors and ask if they have a pamphlet on how to be less like yourself. And if you're ever feeling bad about how your day is going, just remember at some point in history, someone complained to no illusions about the quality of the pizza he just delivered to them. So you're okay, right?

That didn't happen to you. The reason why it's a used to, and it's not because I got a better job. Extra sausage. And in I've Got a Gordon Ticket news tonight, as of January 10th, Gordon Klingenschmitt is no longer a member of the Colorado House of Representatives. We are the champions. And now that he lost his bid for a state Senate seat as well, I'm assuming he'll be resuming his post as a bad guy on Angry Birds. Just hanging out, not falling over.

I know I hit you. So perfect. Put a little melamine on him. He looks like a cartoon pig. That's not the whole story here, but it's definitely worth a quick celebration. He's the worst. Yes. The worst.

And just in case his old position on Angry Birds has been filled, perhaps they need somebody to teach the sheep to say four legs good, two legs bad. There's a lot of other occupational options for the guy. Right. So the other part of the story is the rant we got from Go Klings during a recent episode of his talk show. The topic was a gay teacher in Minnesota who allegedly abused several students before fleeing the state and killing himself. And instead of a reasonable response to this, like, wow, wasn't a priest. Cool. Klingenschmitt announced that gay people should not be allowed to teach in public schools because they're all pedophiles. So apparently Clayton Schmidt looked ahead to his term ending and decided to have one

last on-the-job outburst of Christian Tourette's. Actually, it's more like Christian coprolalia if we're being technical. I have a one-man show about that. Right, right. The penis monologue. Cool. So before we move on to the next story, you want to give us a quick teaser of the penis monologues? Oh, gosh.

I wasn't even – okay, give me a second. Hail Mary, full of man paste, hollered out be thy frame. It's a whole – I think that's pretty much how we really – You need the down spot. It's a whole – you come into the middle of it. It's very much like Circle Mirror Transformation. Opening and closing and opening he gets it and in luke i am your father figure news tonight it turns out that no matter how much of a dick that guy you went to high school with is on

facebook about celebrities dying the bright side is franklin graham and stephen anderson will always be worse. Right. Yeah. Unless you went to high school with Franklin Graham or Steven Anderson, in which case we can only hope you got a wedge year or two in while you still could. Absolutely. Anyway, even YouTube and Twitter personalities who thought immediately after their deaths was a good time to talk about the fact that they both use drugs and that somehow means

that they deserve to die from it can take a back seat because Stephen Anderson and Franklin Graham are here to tell us that George Michael, the cultural icon slash philanthropist and mental health crusader and artist Carrie Fisher are burning in hell. Okay, so first up, the man who has still yet to accept any of our female listeners' invite to an arm wrestle and failed Chris Helmsworth statue made out of mayo stephen anderson took to youtube in a video called george michael a pervert burning

in hell right now to prove once again that whatever humanity he had is long dead and he's a walking evil husk saying quote george michael's burning in hell right now he was a very wicked god-hating sodomite reprobate and he's getting the punishment that in hell right now. He was a very wicked, God-hating, sodomite reprobate, and he's getting the punishment that he deserves right now. Adding, there's a reason why, bear with me, according to AIDS.gov in the AIDS 101 section, they're 50 times more likely to get AIDS

than your average person. There's more. There's more. That's person there's more there's more that's not true but there's more and by the way that's why george michael died at an age of 53 years old when the normal life expectancy for a man is 76 because of the fact that on average the sodomite death style shaves about 20 years off your life expectancy and quote a couple of things here uh there is no evidence that george michael died of aids and anderson seems confused about what aids is like he seems to think that being gay is like smoking you know like you're way more likely to get lung cancer but definitely bad for you like the butthole leads right to your heart, after all.

Well, right. Like, he seems to think everybody gets one aid to start with, and then each time you have butt sex, you get one more. Heath has 12 aids. And I still have Lyme disease. This feels like a scam. That's why I was asking about other

doctors before. And I have a heart-shaped bed with their name on it should they choose to put their so-called authority to the test. All about the journey. Wonderful. Plain journey. But that's okay. Because Steve Anderson wasn't alone. Christian evangelist and a man who almost certainly was never allowed to play any reindeer games, Franklin Graham,

took to Facebook to remind us that while all of the celebrities who died this year might make us sad, the only way to the afterlife is Jesus, and that he, for one, sure hopes they made the right decision before meeting the big ol' bouncer in the sky. He, yeah, I know. He ended the Facebook post by reminding

anyone who sees it, if they hadn't gotten right with God to, quote, call on him immediately, don't delay god to quote call on him immediately don't delay end quote or else you don't get the second sham wow and free shipping i guess the billy mays of fucking evangelism here the point is as we leave the meme of 2016 sucked behind us we can look forward and remember franklin graham and steve anderson still suck and they always will something you can count on and you know what i just want to point this out i bet the years that they die aren't going to get any extra credit for being awesome yeah it's a double standard people just

think about all the horrible people who also died in 2016 and it evens out think about them i got pictures taken with me phyllis and santa we are not allowed back into that mall by the way not allowed and while you try to work out if that makes you feel better or not we'll pause for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife lucinda ruined his santa suit a man wrote the bible a horse which one if it's a legitimate race you're a slut right cooking can be fun hey i'm proud of a man. This week in Masajid. Well, it's 2017 and it looks like my dry spell of stories is over because this week my cup runneth over with assholery. So let's jump right in. First up tonight is religious rights activist

and Augustus Gloop doing drag, Janet Porter, who was on Gordon Klingensmith's show this week to lament Governor Kasich's veto on her barbaric anti-abortion heartbeat bill. The bill, which was too stupid even for Kasich to sign, was struck down and replaced with one only marginally better a few weeks ago. And that had live action Miss Piggy hopping mad. She plans to sue Governor Kasich and I I assume, also give him a karate chop while calling herself moi. However, like the movie villain she is, Porter just couldn't help but monologue about her true evil plan.

On K-Shit Show, she went on to explain that as technology improves, so will the ability to hear the fetus's heartbeat, and it was her hope to eliminate abortion altogether on this technicality. So move over, Roe vs. Wade. Janet Porter is going to foil Planned Parenthood with a metal detector she's souped up to hear an ovum's first heartbeat.

Next up in our cavalcade of assholery comes a nameless Pennsylvania staffer who wins my Shit State of the Week award for hanging up on a caller for talking about menstruation because it's too graphic for her to talk about, but apparently not too graphic to legislate. So here's the story. This week, 26-year-old Nina Starmer did what we should all be doing and called her representative, Pat Toomey, to talk about issues in the coming year, namely defunding Planned Parenthood. To me, who is known for looking like his forehead is slowly melting onto his face, trying to ban abortion and wanting to punish doctors who perform them was unavailable. So Stormer offered to call

back when he was there so she could educate him on her reproductive rights administration. Well, apparently the M word was a bridge too far for the offended staffer who informed her that if she wanted to talk to the man who wanted to take her rights away, she would need to be less graphic. Starmer, of course, explained to the Victorian era time traveler that had somehow gotten a job as a staffer that if Tommy wanted to vote on her hoo-ha, it was probably pretty important that he understand it. To which the staffer again told her not to be so graphic and hung up on her. So ladies, just to be clear, Toomey's office has refused to comment on the incident, but it seems clear to me that they need some graphic education ASAP. So perhaps until Senator Toomey decides to change his tune, we should help out. So aside from calling your elected representatives, you might also want to give his office a call at 610-434-1444,

especially if your Aunt Flo is visiting this week. And confident in the fact that I just ruined at least one asshole's day, I'll turn things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in Les' Mormon news tonight, more than 35,000 people have added their names to a petition asking the Mormon Grand Sorcerer's Council, or whatever, to back away from plans to have the Mormon Tabernacle Choir perform at Donald Trump's unavoidable inauguration. cites Trump's sexism, racism, misogyny, and xenophobia as reasons to reconsider the performance, though it's not entirely clear by the wording if they're worried about endorsing the competition or if he's just hating all those people incorrectly. Kind of vague.

He's like that kid whose mom has to secretly guilt all the other moms to bring in their kids to her shitty son's birthday party. Isn't he? Our next president is that kid. Fantastic. Like when you were so popular in school that all the other kids were too intimidated to come to your party. So your mom gave out $20 bills.

Yeah, it's just like, I get it. Trump's not cool like that at all, though. I don't understand. That's a bad metaphor. You can use a good metaphor so that our listeners will understand you. We were too poor for all that $20 bill shit. So we won't be discussing what my mom had to do to get other kids to hang out with me. So back to the story.

Anyway, the petition also claims that the performance threatens to, quote, misrepresent the diversity of Mormons worldwide, end quote. And that is a pretty bizarre claim coming from a 91% white religion. And by the way, that's even if you leave out people with tans. 51% white religion. And by the way, that's even if you leave out people with tans. Still, I'm sure Mormonism would defend itself by pointing out that other religions had a head start with all the black people, what with Mormons only realizing they were human in 1978. Right. In fairness to the Mormons, though, in most of this country, it's probably not the best idea to send black people around walking up to front doors uninvited just in terms of not getting employees shot in the face right as dominoes around standing hover your ground also you know they just like

kept accidentally naming their black guy in the letter and being right it's really unfair to garrett i mean african-american mormons so i'm a boomer named garrett you don't like garrett keep pointing i feel you bro i feel you so yeah regardless this is yet another red flag of just how musically bereft the inauguration promises to be so according to the most recent report i could find the musical lineup at present includes an america's got talent loser an 80s cover band called the reagan years dj freedom and a female septet called the star spangled singers who apparently haven't updated their facebook page in about two years oh that is all real however the fact that nobody has taken it and then just fucked him is a huge wasted opportunity why don't john just say yes and

then pretend you forgot the words to all your songs. What's he going to do? That's not a... Leave on something, something. Oh, wet diarrhea. What about it? Isn't that crazy? I think I'll just pinch my nipples and scream for the next ten minutes.

No, none of this is illegal. We'll do it. And the voice of an angel, Donald. Just yet another reason to come to the live show in Chicago. You will see my nipples. Some of it might be illegal. And in the Elrond in the cupboard news tonight, Gabriella Brandao. Thank you.

Thank you. Gabriella Brandao took to Twitter this week to remind us all that 2017 just won't stop giving us greatness. When she discovered that her daughter's great grandmother's figurine of St. Anthony, to which she prays multiple times a day, every day, is actually an action figure of Elrond from Lord of the Rings. I knew I saw Smeagol in a dog's

asshole the other day. Now it all makes sense. Alright, so we're going with Eli was having lunch, that must have been Smeagol. Good. I feel like Andrew will appreciate that. It's preemptive. So, the bad news is this continues the long and tragically hilarious tradition of little old spanish ladies praying to random shit that turns out not to be holy because

alzheimer's and jesus fit in so well together but the good news compliment sandwich the good news is whether it's an action figure of elrond or a picture of ewan McGregor as Obi-Wan Kenobi, the prayers are just as effective. So, you know. Right. No harm no foul. And finally tonight, from the Arch Nemesis file, despite a small controversy among local

traditionalists, a new McDonald's location recently opened in Vatican City, right next to St. Peter's Square and the Vatican itself. In related news, I'd like to add USA. USA. USA. USA.

I'm going to beat up a gay guy. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. You just picture someone being like, Father Pietro, why do you keep dressing up like a clown? You know what? Fuck you. There's nothing that says I can't dress this way.

I'm going to go hang out at the McDonald's some more. Such a soft lap. So soft. So, apparently... Oh, no, cheers, I left. Someone spilled the soda all over the place.

Sent it right here. I fell over. I fell over. Okay, so, Apparently lots of people were concerned that a greasy American chain restaurant would ruin the classic Roman ambiance of the Vatican neighborhood. In particular, they didn't want

a tacky capitalist eyesore taking away from all the beautiful tourist bodegas selling Vatican themed bullshit like Pope on a rope yeah right because no room for a burger joint in a classy part of town like that right yeah they're just worried the hamburger restaurant will make their pedophile palace made of gold look gross gotta keep up the image well i mean look and if the complaint was you now have george pell and

joseph wesolowski and jogging distance of a ball pit. I would understand that objection. But as it stands, they're saying, guys, our international pedophilia headquarters are going to look kind of gaudy, aren't they? Quit hogging the slide, George. I'm too sick to go down. Bullshit, George. I'm not the cops. Come down the slide.

Says you have to be less than this tall. I'm not doing it. It says you have to be less than this tall. I'm not doing it. Also among those who voiced opposition to the McDonald's were several Vatican leaders who preferred to have the building used to help the less fortunate instead. And they chastised the landlord who rented the space to the restaurant. That landlord, just for the record, was the Vatican. Them.

Yeah. They'll be getting about 30 grand a month in rent, which in fairness, they will likely use to help the less fortunate. Will they? At least to the extent that getting raped as a child is unfortunate. Oh, okay. Money makes it all even. And look, one could argue that any Vatican-owned property that isn't being used to spread Catholicism is helping the less fortunate. So there's also that.

property that isn't being used to spread Catholicism is helping the less fortunate. So there's also that. So what you and therefore Andrew are saying is that any building I might use for non-Catholic purposes is a charity and I should pay my $10,000 accordingly. I am not saying that. That's never what you think we're saying. Message received.

Wink. Wink. You can't wink at my statements. I keep telling you that. Wink. There. You can't wink at my statements. I keep telling you that. Wink. There's been an even number of winks now. Wink. All right, so.

Shit. So the story didn't really have wink. Anything about underage sex crime until I forced it in there at the end. So that's nice. Good job, Vatican, I guess. Unfortunately, though, we are going to go ahead and ruin that some more because there's going to be a restaurant right next to the Vatican. It should really have a kid fucking theme, shouldn't it?

And that means we're going to need 30 seconds on the clock. Ideas for the pedophile themed restaurant in Vatican City. Go. All right. But before I do, I want to start by acknowledging the irony of trying to come up with a pun that associates Jared Fogle with fast food and failing. So instead, I'll go with the youth booth at the minor diner. I actually had one. Power Subway. Eat Freshman? Something like that.

Burger King of Pop? Huh? Michael Jackson. Yeah. Smoothie criminal. Comet Ping Pong. Too soon? Not Italian enough?

Cometa Ping Pong. Oh, I like it. Andy Wilson's restaurant, Incredulicious. The thing is, you order your food and it takes like four months before it gets there,

but yeah, other than that. He's like the McRib of podcasters. How about the McDittles breakfast sandwich? The buns already got syrup. So a lot of people prefer syrup. All right. How about Wendy's Old Fashioned Humbert Humbergers? 7 to 11.

Featuring the Lolita of Slushy. All right. 7 to 11 featuring the Lolita of Slushy alright what about the Lolitery and Wine Bar for the classy tweenophile and as much as I hate to close this segment on the suggestion that pedophilia contains a scale of panache it doesn't

that's all the headlines we've got so Heath, Eli, thanks as always Eli didn't write a felony thing here. And when we come back, the Mormons will teach us why it's wrong to finger teenagers. You know, here on Scathing Atheist, we make a lot of jokes about Noah's age. Wait, what? Yeah, and we thought we'd give that a rest for this week's Loot Crate ad. Gee, thanks, guys.

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Manj loves cookie cat. Speaking of pets, Noah's first pet was a brontosaurus. Ooh, king of the sea. Incorrect and no I didn't and you guys don't know anything about dinosaurs. Or dragons as they were called in your day. No, they were not called. But don't wait. This offer expires

on January 19th. So go to lootcrate.com slash atheist and enter our code atheist to save $3 off any new subscription today. LootCrate.com slash Atheist and enter our code Atheist to save $3 off any new subscription today. Loot Crate, because in Noah's day, the only mail they had was the Pony Express. I hate you both. From time to time, listeners send us suggestions for god-awful movies that are too short to fill an episode but too insane to ignore. And when we come across one that we just can't resist, we recycle the shit out of our other show's formula for a segment we call...

God-awful minis. So tell us, Heath, what will we be breaking down today? We watched These Things Are an Abomination. It's the best Mormon movie we've watched. I loved it. Let's talk about it. I'm very excited. Before we do, though, Eli, tell us, how bad was this movie lit?

Well, if you love after-school specials but you're pretty sure you want to fuck your dad, you will love this mini. 40% are changing bodies, 40% room, and 20% My Little Pony commercial. Wait, with a little Mormonism tossed in. All right, so I guess we can just dive right in. We're going to start this video off by meeting every guy's third choice from prom, wandering out of the house into the farm or something.

With her jeans snugly around her neck. What the fuck? So, does the female waist keep moving over generations? Oh, I hope so. Where was it back during the greatest generation? Was it above their head?

Where was the waist? Yeah, you just put another woman on top of her or something like that so that she can see out. Yeah. No, no. It's like as soon as I saw that, I was just like, oh, God, I'm glad the 90s stopped. Yeah. Wow. And my music note here is just simply porn for women.

I mean, there is absolutely like if she walked into the barn and masturbated this is i've seen this opening before yeah absolutely he had it on a vhs that eventually wore out and he had to throw it out in the woods so what we did back then also as she's walking there's like a local quote-unquote farm boy but he clearly has no idea what to do so he's putting hay onto the fucking cow and the cow turns to the camera like jim from the office like yeah what are you doing here man no sense like they clearly wanted a pitchfork and hay involved but they had no idea what that actually looks like they're he's just for no reason shoveling it over a fence that has no – there's a slot.

You could just push it. Why would there be a pile on one side of the fence? Why wouldn't they have just – none of it made sense. Yeah, yeah. And apparently, by the way, this whole 45 seconds of setup in this seven-minute movie is just to introduce us to the idea that there's a young girl and she exists. We had to establish that with like 12 of this goddamn video so she goes into the barn where she comes across dad right who is mowing the horse or

something she's like hey dad just helping and whistling inconspicuously, nothing. I felt like she was going to ask if he ever gets that not-so-fresh feeling. That's not what happened. Well, his response is so weird because she's like, can I ask you something? He goes, you never offer to help me, you fucking bitch. And she's like, oh, okay. Well, let's just mow the horse in silence then. For a few seconds, yeah.

Mow the horse. But then. For a few seconds. Yeah. Mow the horse. But she finally asked her question. She's like, so I, my friend wants to know if butt sex counts. It's her body, right? Does butt sex count? It's her body. To which the dad, without hesitation, goes, nope. Nope.

Like Andrew fucking Torres. Also, we should point out here that he's like, nope. He is supposed to be like, oh, you're so down, homie. Like, you're such a mysterious cowboy. But it's actually just a dick move. She's like, I have a question. He's like, go fuck yourself. And she's like, oh, weird. I'm like 13.

Yeah. I wrote in my notes, she's got to snatch the coffee bean from her dad's hand to get the answer apparently so after a lot of bullshit back and forth or whatever he finally recommends that she check out first corinthians chapter six where she'll find her answer about her friend getting fingered yeah check check the index under female bodily autonomy comma you have not yeah right right there yeah exactly so she goes outside to study the bible and then this the music that's been playing suddenly has lyrics and they are so goddamn on the nose they're like like emily my friend is getting fingered and i asked dad about it while we were mowing the horse i mean it's it's

like one step behind that. Actually, Heath, you actually wrote down these lyrics. You're going to walk us through the poetry that they will play for us three times? I'd love to. Would you like to do every other line with me? Oh, yes, please. A little musical number? Emily, my friend, partner in many dreams

looking down the road I see your choice is not what it seems I search I search for an answer by the spirit

now I feel God's word will show us where to go but will you let me show you what i know what i know and i want to be clear on just beautiful by the way guys beautiful that was a lovely moment i had a tear in my eye that's oh yeah absolutely but i i want to point out that this this is how on point it is like the the dad walks out at one point and he says to the daughter like have you found an answer yet and the daughter goes not yet and the lyrics then are going i search for an answer. Like that's how, yeah. And to be fair, whenever I wonder about Heath, I write a song like that and sing it in my head.

Like I feel like it's very... Where are you on a beach? Return your text sometime. There's no signal out here. It is not my fault sorry so so yeah so like she's reading the bible dad comes out and gets her attention by apparently throwing chicken shit on her bible so what was in the bucket i don't i don't fucking know yeah her dad throws a rock from his bucket of farm rocks what are those for like homemade quarry cereal? Lesbian toddlers? What are they doing with that?

It's ridiculous. Also, there was this one little moment at the beginning of the scene that some guy just walks up to her and they try to have a little discussion there and he's like, hey, what's up? And she goes, yeah, no doubt. She does?

That's her exact words. I just wanted to keep going with this conversation. Like, oh, no doubt. No diggity. Hundo P. Shizzle. Chuch. We're Mormon.

RZA just pops out of the straw behind her. All right, that's it. I'm going to go Jay D'Azulia Banks. So then little sister shows up with a goddamn canoe's worth of eggs. Pallet of eggs. I wrote in my notes. They have 900 chickens apparently. I guess so.

Yeah. But now dad comes back up to her. She's still studying away at her Bible. And this is the question he asks her. He says, have you figured out why immorality is wrong? You can't ask that. That's like asking why big is so large. Have you figured out why immorality is wrong? Fuck you. You can't ask that. That's like asking why big is so large.

Right, yeah. I don't know. When did you stop beating your sister wise? What? Pathologies. I don't know. Right. Okay, and then she goes, because it's a sin.

So she uses yet another synonym. And then he goes, this is his setup. He goes, and who is it a sin so she uses yet another synonym and and then he goes this is his setup he goes and who is it a sin against and somehow she manages to fuck up that answer she should be in a helmet exactly and and she's like he goes is it against yourself and he goes find out yourself and i wrote fuck your dad's the goddamn country riddler when the rules don't make any fucking sense that's why you need to spell them out for people dad her friend figured out the natural intuitive morality of it's okay for teenagers to rub each other's bits together you're supposed to lie and pretend that's not the case it's it's so easy it's so easy and okay so now it is like late evening by now the average person could have transcribed first corinthians chapter six with legos and this dumb ass bitch is still trying to figure out that the answer to

every christian question is jesus who is it a sin against they just can't figure it out there's two goddamn characters that matter in your whole fucking book. She walks in. It's all about wooden submarines? I skipped ahead to a different one. No, it starts with J. Jackal? Is it Jackal?

It's Jackal. No. How about Jackal? Jackal? Yeah. She's watching the bodyguard for clues. But finally, she has the epiphany or whatever and runs in to have her eureka moment with dad.

She's like, I figured it out. It's Jesus we're sitting against. Right. And the way she puts it is she goes, I get it. Our bodies are not our own. And I was like, I like it. A little alien twist. Something's going to burst out of her chest to get dad. But no. No. way she puts it is she goes i get it our bodies are not our own and i was like i like it a little alien twist something's gonna burst out of her chest to get dad but no no yeah yeah i've never

seen a teenage girl offering up her body in a more boring fucking way but yeah dad explains that we belong to god because and this is a quote He bought us for a price. Yeah, it was White Friday, so all the good people were on sale. That's how Mormonism started. Oh, I see. Yeah. Makes sense. God is a plantation owner, and this is not the least moral vision of him they worship. That's good to know.

He goes on to explain that the Savior had to buy us, but he had to buy us back from himself at a price he set this is like me just gently passing an egg and a dollar back and forth between my hands and somehow being mad at both the egg and the dollar right right okay this part was racist and anti-semitic at the same time right like but then some people found a loophole and God had to buy everyone back. He's talking about the Jews, right? Oh, very clearly. Very clearly, yes. And I love too because he's already suggested a passage from the Bible.

Now he has to suggest a passage from the Book of Mormon because that's like the Bible according to itself. And here's the quote he goes. He says, read the last two sentences of the book of elmo which is like okay you know like you can't even suggest a whole fucking chapter you give her two sentences i was so hoping we'd get another montage while she tried to read those two sentences riding a sheep across volcanic earth earth in my dreams and okay so they have this bizarre conversation and this always bothers me this is one of my least this is one of the things about christian theology that most baffles me right because he's explaining how you know jesus had to pay the price on the cross or whatever he

says now do you think you would get crucified too if you had to pay that price and she's like no i wouldn't i'm gonna the question is would you get sacrificed if a you had to pay that price? And she's like, no, I wouldn't. The question is, would you get sacrificed if A, you got to come back to life in three days, and B, it meant everyone on Earth and everyone who's ever been on Earth and everyone who will ever be on Earth doesn't have to burn in hell for

eternity? Her answer is no, probably not. You are the worst fucking person that ever has existed. They do not make people worse than you then. I mean, I'm not eating those Syrian Skittles. I'm not doing it. Let's think about it. Heath, are you the one who tweeted all those things at me?

I have lots of accounts. That's why you can't text back. Too busy bothering Anita Sarkeesian. Who deserves it. Who totally deserves it. Yeah, I'm on your side. Don't tweet at me. Gross. Video games.

They're perfect. Alright, so creepy pedophile dad dude is telling her about the power of atonement and he's very clearly looking at his dick over and over again as he says it. And then he starts talking about defiling his body. No way he's not looking at his dick. Absolutely agree.

Yeah, he goes, the second reason I can't defile my body and I paused it and wrote, because I haven't had my rib removed yet. my body and i paused it and wrote because i haven't had my rib removed yet and now that we understand why i still had to talk my high school girlfriends into fucking me out even after we'd fucked once before i guess we can wrap this one up mystery solved but if you enjoyed that one good news the mormons apparently have a multi-billion dollar batshit crazy psa budget and youtube has lifetimes worth of these motherfuckers yet to suggest. Like every time I would click on one, I'd click on another one and there'd be nine new suggestions and then I'd click on one of those. It's an endless

fucking loop. I fell asleep watching those. I'm pretty sure I'm one of them. Alright, so with the promise that there's more Mormon insanity where that one comes from, we're going to leave you as we do with the Breakfast Club close. Emily, my friend, I'm walking past a barn. 80s Mormon Brie Larson ate all 50 eggs and won the bet. And I came.

The horse wished dad practiced what he preached about sexual immorality. The girl left Mormonism and listens to our show and is super duper eager to get back at her dad with a chubby Jewish podcaster tomorrow in Chicago like crazy. How mad? He'll be so mad at you. Ow, ow, ow, ow! Before we pack our bags tonight, I wanted to let you know that you can get an extra dose of Eli in your life this week. Seth Andrews over at the Thinking Atheist podcast decided that his inbox didn't have enough angry people in it. So he decided to do a recent episode about trigger warnings and Eli was among his guests.

If you want to give it a listen, we'll have that episode linked in the show notes. Anyway, that's all the blasph Me we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday. That's going to be the live show

that we're recording tomorrow night in Chicago. So if you can't even wait that long, you're going to have to check the show notes for tickets. Obviously, the show would feel hollow and incomplete if I didn't thank Heath Enright for never giving 110% because he knows how percentages work. I need to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for continuing to love me despite my propensity for pedantic math jokes. I need to thank Eli Bosnick

for de-escalating that prank war before it led to full-scale rioting. And I also need to thank Richard Saunders and Maynard from the Skeptic Zone podcast for providing this week's flatulent Farnsworth quote. If you want to give their podcast a listen, and trust me, you do, you'll find it linked on the show notes for this week's episode. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most dominant hominids. Jacob, Deborah, Rhonda, Stephen, Crystal, Sapphire, Ban, Concealed, Carrot, Prone to Drift, Susan, John, T. Lloyd, Madison, Hausdorf, Darren, Seth, Jason, Edgar, Jeffrey, Dennis, Cliff, and Jonathan. Jacob, Deborah, Rhonda, Stephen, Crystal, Sapphire, and Ban, Concealed, Carrot, who are so hot they get factored into the local heat index. Prone to Drift, Susan, John, T. Lloyd, Madison, Hausdorff, and Darren, who are so fair, Mirror Mirror on the wall printed a full retraction.

And Seth, Jason, Edgar, Jeffrey, Dennis, Cliff, and Jonathan, whose erections age slower at the tip. Together, these 21 warriors of wit and wisdom waved a wedge of their wealth this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the fortitude, passion, and internet connection it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended edition of every episode, Thank you. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. Our theme song was arranged and performed by Morgan Clark with Richard McNulty on guitar.

All additional music was written and performed by Morgan Clark and was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScalingAtheist.com. Did you also try to sneak a peanut in your mouth right before you started? And do one more. Five, six, seven. No, I don't have that excuse. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.