The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 206: Schindler's Fist Edition

Episode Date: January 26, 2017

In this week’s episode, everyone instantly forgets that 3 Doors Down exists again, Gwyneth Paltrow explains how a paperweight is a lot like an IUD, and I’ll run around the earth backwards until I���m absolutely certain that doesn’t reverse time. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Guest Links: To hear Eli on Serious Inquiries Only, click here: http://seriouspod.com/ Headlines: Inauguration filled with religious bullshit: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/01/22/pastor-robert-jeffress-donald-trump-had-the-most-prayers-of-any-inauguration-in-history/ CIA Documents show agency once believed Uri Geller had actually magic powers: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/01/20/new-documents-show-the-cia-once-believed-mentalist-uri-geller-really-had-special-psychic-powers/ Cabinet appointees continue to be Christian lunatics: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2017/01/trumps-epa-pick-anti-science-christian-extremist/ http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2017/01/senate-confirms-dangerous-christian-extremist-cia-director/ Trump reinstates global gag rule: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/donald-trump-global-gag-ruleus58822355e4b070d8cad1f774 Gwyneth Paltrow is now selling jade vagina eggs: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/01/18/uh-oh-gwyneth-paltrow-is-dispensing-terrible-vagina-advice-again-2/

Warning, the following podcast advocates nonviolence and apparently that's controversial now. We also say fuck. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by BlueApron.com, a better way to cook. And by the new fighting game for legally venting your frustration with the alt-right. Available exclusively from Richard Spencer's Gifts. It's Rykem Sockum Robots, where it's okay to punch a Nazi. And now, the Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Alex, and I'm 13.

When I first met Eli, he invited me to do hookers and blow. I don't know about that, but I do know that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's January 26th. And the EPA never tweeted me back anyway. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright.

And from New York, New York, Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, everyone instantly forgets that Three Doors Down exists again. Gwyneth Paltrow explains how a paperweight is a lot like an IUD. And I'll run around the earth backwards until I'm absolutely certain that that doesn't reverse time. But first, the diatribe. You know, when I first set out to do an atheist podcast, I knew that it meant from time to time I'd have to defend some pretty contentious positions, but I never thought that taking a strong stance against vigilante violence was going to be one of them. So, first of all, if you're not super active on social media, good call! Would have saved me a lot of headaches this week, but also I need to catch up a bit because I can't speak for anybody

else's Facebook page, but mine spent the last couple of days arguing about whether or not it's okay to punch a Nazi. It all started with this viral video of this supreme asshat, Richard Spencer, getting the fuck clocked out of him during an interview. And this guy is as scummy a piece of shit as our country has to offer, right? This guy's come out in favor of genocide. He said or published every despicable nugget of racist bullshit the English language allows for. If there is anybody in the world that deserves an elbow to the temple, he's a top candidate, I will admit. And I'll be perfectly honest, I loved watching that fucking clip.

That being said, I cannot in good conscience condone the behavior. I mean, as much visceral satisfaction as I get from watching that fuckwad take a punch, I recognize that a society can't exactly function if people are running around punching all the Nazis, right? The foundational concept of this country, and countries in general, is that punishment is not meted out by random civilians. To reject that precept is to reject the very idea of a judicial system, and as fucked up as our judicial system is,

I feel pretty strongly that it serves us better than vigilantes would. And look, I get it. No, you know what? I fucking don't get it. I've tried to get it, but I fucking don't. And I know that as a white, straight, cisgendered guy from a middle-class family, I'm not in the best position to fully empathize with the targets of this asshole's rhetoric, but that's no excuse for advocating violence. You know, if you want to have a discussion about tightening laws against hate speech, that's a reasonable conversation. I'm happy to have that conversation with you. There are plenty of European countries that have laws saying the kind of shit that this guy said is illegal to do, and they seem to be doing okay. You know, I personally think we strike a pretty good balance

in the U.S., but that's something reasonable people can disagree about. Everybody agrees that some forms of speech are over the boundary of First Amendment protection, so sure, that's a reasonable conversation, but that is not the conversation we're having. I've heard a lot of people pushing back against this on social media saying, you know, look, we've tried everything, and it seems like the Nazis and the bigots are getting ever more powerful. What else can we do? And you know what? Maybe for some people that's true. You know, maybe some of these people have already collected signatures on petitions and written to their state and federal representatives and gone to marches and written letters to the editor and volunteered for

progressive candidates donated to progressive causes maybe some of these people dutifully vote in their local and state elections and read up on the candidates and go to the town halls and engage their friends and co-workers but most of them haven't and even if they had what fucking good does it do to punch somebody who are we the Avengers? We're going to punch our way into political reform? We're going to knock the Nazi out of people one right hook at a time? Are you fucking kidding me? Look, violence always has to be the last resort, but even then, only when it might help. You know, obviously, we all agree that violence is appropriate if you or someone else is in imminent danger, and we all agree that people start getting carted off to concentration camps that's a pretty good time to

pick up our fucking torches and pitchforks and shit but preemptive violence in the battle of ideas i i mean before this dude came along and punched him we had the perfect situation we had a nazi on camera being a fucking nazi know, this is a guy who advocates for racial genocide. All we need to do to win the war of ideas with this guy is to let him express his ideas. In fact, the only way that you could possibly fuck that up is to come along and punch him. So he has to stop talking about what a Nazi is for a minute. But the most disturbing thing about the whole ordeal isn't even the violence. It's the abrupt willingness to divide ourselves internally and shut down logical discourse. And yes, this conversation is pre-Godwin and shit, but I have seen countless people online dismissing anti-violence voices as pro-Nazi or Nazi sympathizers in an effort to kowtow opponents and dismiss their objections.

Really? Nazi sympathizers? So Gandhi was a Nazi sympathizer? The founders of the country? Every Supreme Court justice? Every respected mind and jurisprudence in all of written history? All of them were fucking pro-Nazi? Of course, look, all those people know good and damn well that the people speaking out against vigilante violence aren't pro-Nazi. They're just too married to their fucking point to engage in an actual conversation on that point's merits. So the end result is a bunch of self-proclaimed rationalists

burying themselves behind ramparts of fallacious bullshit and dividing the opposition over stupidity. Gee, I wonder if that's going to benefit the goddamn Nazis. Look, being the good guy is harder than being the bad guy it's hard to use the viable strategies for reform and social progress because they take a long time they move slowly they're vulnerable to constant setbacks it's a lot easier to just go out and punch somebody i mean it's useless at best and counterproductive at worst but it might make you feel good for a second. But violence, especially political violence, is a Pandora's box. And once you open it, you can't just open it for your side. What's more,

you can't just crack it open just enough to punch this one guy this one time. And if you need evidence of that, I can point you to two dozen people I blocked on Facebook this week for advocating murder. And a lot of people have tried to talk me down by pointing out how impassioned people are right now. Hey, people are scared, they're frustrated, they're angry, and they're largely speaking out of emotion rather than rationality, right? They're telling me to give people time to calm down and come to their senses. But look, that's the whole reason we have principles, isn't it? We know that we're not particularly good at thinking about shit when we're emotionally compromised. So we set out standards of behavior when we're at our most rational so that we won't be overcome by our

emotions. And if you're willing to sacrifice your principles because times are bleak and you're scared, you never had principles to begin with. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are alternative billionaires Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to reclaim your Nigerian thrones? I am. And praise be to Shakariki. Noah, I have told you this already.

If I ever actually become a billionaire, I'm going to spend it all offering people a million dollars to convince Heath to bite off one of their fingers. One of their fingers. One of their fingers. One of their fingers. Just ladies with sick kids, please, Heath. Just the pinky. I don't even mind. I don't even mind. I'll suck your dick.

Just bite off my finger, man. It's going to be great, guys. It's going to be great. Same time. Same time. Well, obviously, there's a lot of depressing shit to talk about in the headlines this week. So quick, before we make you want to start a car in a hermetically sealed garage, we're going to pause for a quick word from this week's sponsor, Blue Apron.

I'm hungry. Okay. What do you want? I don't know. What do you want? Chinese. Gross. I hate Chinese food.

Pizza? A pizza murdered my brother when I was nine. You know that. That's okay. Thai? We had Thai last night and for breakfast. What about Indian food? That always ends up being

like 60 bucks. Let me get a second mortgage based on Indian food. What about sushi? Fisher people. Mexican? Not in my America. You could cook, maybe. Oh, I'm sorry, Heath.

Am I your personal chef? Do you want me to run into the kitchen and whip you up a four-course meal? I work, too. I will kill myself in front of you right now. Do it. Has this ever happened to you? Why not try Blue Apron? With Blue Apron's pre-portioned ingredients sent to your door along

with easy step-by-step instructions, you can go from this. Name a food. Any food in the world. I don't care. I'll eat a rock if it ends this goddamn conversation. Stop yelling at me! To this. You want me to make dinner tonight?

Thank you, baby. You're welcome, darling. Back in a couple minutes. Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash scathing. You will love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron, so don't wait. That's blueapron.com slash scathing. You're the best, babe. No, you're the best. Blue Apron.

A better way to cook. In our lead story tonight, despite the evolutionary advantages afforded to the human species through our enlarged cerebrum, Donald Trump is now the president of our fucking country. And it has nuclear weapons. In a related story. Holy shit.

We're all going to fucking die. Uh, yeah. Right next to his send meltdown tweet about Alec Baldwin button. He now has a big red blow up the world. Yep. In fairness though, Hillary could have easily like stumbled and fell right onto that same.

I guess she could have stumbling. Pneumonia is a bitch. I don't know about you, but I really feel the message that the people who didn't vote were trying to send has been sent it was that we all deserve to die right that's what they wanted like a nihilism thing if there was why they stayed home thinking involved yeah that's probably it so despite countless heel-clicking repetitions of there's no place like home the american populace failed to awaken from the kruger-esque nightmare that is the upcoming administration so last saturday donald trump was inaugurated as the 45th president of the united states amid a record-setting flurry of religious

pandering and christian bullshit his inauguration contained no fewer than six religious invocations three times as many as obama's and at least one more than any other president ever, which is definitely not a coincidence. Homie to Reagan now, five, I want six. My faith is huge. I'm getting complaints, literally complaints. It's so bigly. The most gods. Buddha was there. Good friend. Brahma, fantastic guy. Fusion, total loser. Tried to make it wane while I was talking. Apologize. You apologize. Of course, to the Donald's credit, he did include a token Jew.

Probably the name of a new cabinet spot right there. Would not surprise me. I personally thought it was nice that the fake character of a Jew I do showed up at the inauguration. Seriously, the moment he spoke, I expected the rest of his invocation to be complaints about the weather oh so we said we weren't stopping if it rains we weren't stopping

no of course the gaudy bits of the inauguration were not confined to the invocations in between post-apocalyptic descriptions of the country and pre-ad Smith mercantilism and proto-fascist calls for total allegiance to the United States of America, Trump also added these little nuggets of Jesus bait. Quote, the Bible tells us how good and pleasant it is when God's people live together in unity. End quote, which is a reference to the Tower of Babel. I'm not sure. Also, we're all apparently infused with the breath of life from the same almighty creator, so fuck the non-Abrahamic religions and the Muslims. Of course, since the speech was written by Steve Bannon,

I guess we should just be happy he didn't use the N-word in it. Because the Nazis are back. They write our speeches now. They write our president's speeches now. And in two-spoon news tonight, according to recently declassified CIA documents, the United States government was

pretty sure in 1973 that Uri Geller had a portal at the bottom of his hat that led to a universe full of rabbits. They did, though. Yes, according to the CIA, during testing at

Stanford Research Institute, he was able to accurately recreate random images drawn while seated in an electronic-proof and sound-proof room, which sounds pretty damn clever, unless you've ever heard Heath describe a magic trick. Eli summoned a familiar into our realm.

Dude, he pulled a coin out of your ear. Exactly. Aside from the fact that people have terrible memories for what actually happened in magic tricks, from the descriptions, well, he did my fucking act. Seriously, choose a word from a book and I'll draw it. Can't do it under test conditions. Bend spoons and forks. If this guy had done a few more dick jokes, I'd have grounds to sue.

That's all I'm saying. But it was so much worse than that. Okay, the report is 33 pages long and it is loaded with stuff like, the two target pictures were a tree and an envelope. He experienced difficulty, did not make a drawing that corresponded to either drawing, and passed. Seriously, that's a fucking quote. So is this. i shit you not good results were obtained on the four days that there was no openly skeptical observer i would submit that it would be impossible to do worse on this test

than galler did challenge accepted think of a word um okay all right I've got one. Okay. Ta-da. Dude, you just drew six, seven. You just drew nine dicks. Get out of my head. This proves nothing. How could you have known that? series of interviews since expanding the story to include the work he did for the cia which he claims all the magic tricks he got caught doing on national television were just a cover for yeah including but not limited to remote viewing of nuclear weapons and standing outside the russian

embassy erasing the floppy disks inside with his mind none of which is provable or let's face it true but it is amazing hold on so you're saying it's just a big coincidence that soviet union and floppy disks both have exactly 11 letters and you know the code on those discs was full of 11s. This guy knows 11s. He does. He does. And it gives me hope. Maybe in 40 years, the video from the bar mitzvah I did last week will be released and prove that I had real powers all along. Please teach me.

Stop. I know people. And in cabinet disappointments news tonight. And in cabinet disappointments news tonight, President of the United States, Donald Trump, continued surrounding himself with ignorant, bigoted Christian assholes last week. In particular, the Senate just confirmed Mike Pompeo as the new CIA director. And it appears they're likely to confirm Scott Pruitt as the new chief of the EPA.

And of course, it looks like Kellyanne Conway is going to be taking over the Ministry of Truth alternatives. She is barely trying to cover up the fact that she's one of the monsters from Until Dawn at this point. You know, when I killed and ate those, I mean,

when I alternative helped those hikers on their winter trip. All right, so a quick rundown of this latest batch. Start with Kellyanne Conway, who looks like Willem Dafoe. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but she looks exactly like Willem Dafoe. She does.

Anyway. I don't think that's a nice thing to say about Mr. Dafoe at all. So a little research, didn't find anything too specific about conway's religious beliefs but she did endorse ted cruz before he dropped out last year so that's christian bigot by association already yeah and now she works for trump so that's christian three or so, double bigot, ignorant, double asshole, when you add it all up. And then she used the phrase alternative facts last week, also known as wrong or alt-right.

Well done. Yes, yes, their inaugural crowds were double plus good. Yeah. Hey, Trump supporters who spent the last four years comparing Obama to 1984. How does it feel to live in a book you created by picking on trans kids? You feel good? Ain't no safe space from radiation.

No. Home and now. All right. So, uh, next up we got Scott Pruitt, who is currently the attorney general of Oklahoma. And I feel like that's enough information right there to disqualify him from any.

Apparently, I'm crazy, though. So Mr. Pruitt is up for EPA chief, despite being a climate change denier. Well, until approximately yesterday. Apparently, yeah. Or he still is a denier. And he just got scared when Bernie Sanders barked at him during the hearing, which is not unreasonable. Bernie is like the Democratic Party's unfriendly dog that everyone in the Republican Party just pretends isn't going to bite them. Just like, oh, he's so excited.

Well, honestly, I feel like most of Trump's cabinet assumes that Bernie can put curses on him. So that's that's probably part of it. Jew cursesses that's not the word they'd use but yes it's the word i'd use also uh prude is pro-life he's anti-marriage equality and he looks like he spent the last 30 years or so in a coffee shop trying to argue the gay out of a gay person. He looked exactly like that fucking guy. He looks like George W. Bush, but before Freddie Prince Jr.'s friend sped him, he couldn't turn him into the prom queen. He looks like he can't get an erection

without being dressed like Mickey Mouse. Let's start that rumor. Can we start that rumor? Just tell your friends, be like, oh no, you didn't see those. It was a WikiLeaks. Who read those? Nobody. I feel like we should start something a little meaner. Whatever. We can have alt facts, too.

All right. Finally, we've got Mike Pompeo. He's pro-life. He's pro-assault weapons. Classic combo. That makes perfect sense. Perfect sense. And he wants to make the government spying on Americans great again.

He really wants that. And based on past statements, he probably has a blueprint for the Acme Muslim internment cage somewhere in his house. Wouldn't surprise me at all. And he looks like William Shatner got hit in the face with a cartoon shovel. Yep. Bottom line, the federal government is currently pivoting from nerd to crazy person as their model for people in charge. Not good. Nerds should be in charge of everything.

Yeah. It's all crumbling. And while Mike Pompeo baits his box and stick traps with Korans, I guess we can take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A horse, which one? If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun.

Hey! I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. Boy, did I need something to cling to this week. Social media has been an unending cavalcade of worst-case scenarios since Trump got a hold of the One Ring. And had it not been for the Women's March, I might have lost my faith in humanity altogether. And had it not been for the Women's March, I might have lost my faith in humanity altogether. But it was there, outshining all the anti-science gag orders, the rolling back on women's rights, the felony charges against journalists, the loss of my health care, the torture endorsements,

the racist immigration directives, and yes, the full-throated endorsements of mindless violence. Above all of that was this brilliant, blinding reminder that the good guys still outnumber the bad guys, and not just by a little. In fact, it was the largest protest in U.S. history, and according to most of the credible sources I've seen, the largest in the history of the world. On Wikipedia's list of the largest peaceful gatherings, they've got it at 4.7 million worldwide, which would beat out the previous record of 4.4. In case you're curious, by the way,

the previous record holders were the anti-terrorism marches in the wake of the Charlie Hebdo massacre. So yeah, when people turn out in these kind of numbers, it's the good guys, When people turn out in these kind of numbers, it's the good guys. Or it's some fucking religious thing. Or a war. Or both. The main march was in Washington, D.C., of course, but there were more than 600 sister marches on all seven continents. And yes, I do mean seven.

They even had one in Antarctica. Over half a million people showed up to the one in D.C., but more than 100,000 people turned out in Boston, Seattle, New York, Denver, and San Francisco, too. Los Angeles seems to have the record for the biggest single march at 750,000 people, which represents damn near one out of every five people in L.A. And boy, did little Donnie notice. According to a report in the Washington Post, sources inside the administration are saying his entire first day as president was spent moping about all of the nasty women ruining his big day. I mean, a sane politician would look at the size of those crowds, realize that the message that most united humanity in all of its history was fuck that guy and realize he had a real problem. A sane politician would say shit. I've got to do something conciliatory to show these people I really do care about them and intend to represent them as well. But I think we're long past pretending that we're dealing with a sane politician here. So yeah, we're too big to ignore. But the big question now is what

to do. How do we take this record-smashing demonstration of support and turn it into the change we need? Well, first of all, I want to echo Noah's diatribe and say that it is not by resorting to preemptive violence. If we get to the point where we have to use violence, it means we failed pretty severely. We still have peaceful ways of reversing course, and we need to exhaust them first. And it definitely isn't by dividing ourselves over petty bullshit, which, let's face it, is something liberals are really good at doing, especially when it comes to gender issues. What we need now is unity and action. We need to get our hands dirty, but not get them bloody. action. We need to get our hands dirty, but not get them bloody. We need to hold our left-wing politicians' feet to the fire, but we also need to resist the desire to disavow them when they

don't do everything we want. We know we can get under this president's skin pretty easily, and we need to exploit that weakness. And most of all, we need to hold on to this and never forget what happens when we leave our democracy in someone else's hands. And with that, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. the efficacy of peaceful protests, Donald Trump reacted to the Women's March on Washington, the largest demonstration in U.S. history, by reinstating Reagan's abortion global gag

rule. Probably his vengeance for that Starbucks window. He likes it at kids' temperature. It's important. Soy milk burns at 145 degrees, you peasant! But to be fair to Trump, guys, I'm sure he thought that this just meant melania had to shut up when he told her to oh that's fair the global gag rule which was first

put in place in 1984 prohibits giving u.s funding to non-governmental organizations that offer advice on a wide variety of family planning and reproductive health options if they include abortion. Even if U.S. dollars are not specifically used for abortion related services or in layman's terms, it kills women. It's a big old killing women policies, a lady killing policy. I mean, and even if you dial back that rhetoric a notch, it's a policy for further impoverishing women and starving children like that like that's my minimally hyperbolic description of it now to be fair this is more of a political move than anything else clinton did away with it and then it was reinstated by george w only to be revoked by obama again so it's not like trump invented this but still bad

okay i think i'm seeing a pattern um if there's ever a big recession it sounds like all we need to do is revoke that gag rule again and the economy gets all fixed right or trump could try blacking up and getting a blow job i bet he's open still it is nice to know that trump's response to 2.9 million people marching because of how much they hate him is to make sure no women in the Sudan get a fucking pap smear. Right. Imagine if they had all voted. Who said that? Heath did.

Heath. What? Heath? How dare you? No. The Democrats should have done better. What I'm saying is we should all find a woman who didn't vote and punch her in the face. That is my position unless Thomas Smith can argue me out of it. Yeah, he can't.

And finally tonight, in over-the-counter news, according to Gwyneth Paltrow, it's a good idea to put rocks in your vagina. But it's not as crazy as it sounds. Only certain rocks, and only if they're egg-shaped. And that means we're going to go ahead and put 30 seconds

on the clock just to be ready in advance because that's our standard operating procedure when we get advice about vagina from the Gwyneth. Don't take vaginal advice from an idiot. Suddenly having an egg on one's face seems a little more desirable though. Hey, I'd fucker

just as a thank you for being in Shallow Hal. America's greatest film. You know what? For what it's worth, nobody on earth is more likely to buy into that whole Lyme disease thing. I'm just tossing it out there. So you goop. All right.

Quick background in case anyone's not familiar. Gwyneth runs a wellness blog called goop.com, offering maniacally crazy health tips, often involving Bond villain-style devices for use on the vagina. For example, she supports the use of a vaginal steam cleaner with literal laser beams attached. That's a real thing. And although it seems like this should be obvious,

Andrew would like us to point out that you should definitely not shoot scalding hot water vapor nor laser beams at your vagina. But if you do, he thinks it's mcdonald's fault just a good general rule for you and you should take vagina advice from a podcast at least right now yeah right especially about reason content i swear that woman's pussy is like a fucking loot crate of woo every time somebody goes to fuck her, they're like, what the hell? Okay, so here's the details of the vaginal rock inserts that she's promoting

right now. In a recent post on her blog, readers were encouraged to buy jade eggs and shove those eggs inside their vaginas. You lost me. Did I? The claim being that they

strengthen feminine chi, they improve vaginal muscle tone, provide detox, balance hormones, and increase orgasms. And while it's nice to see that last one about pleasing your man,

I think I'm still kind of skeptical what about you guys what do you think well i mean shoving things into a vagina has been known to cause orgasms question how do they keep from pooping it out your awareness of the human body is terrifying thank you you're welcome so apparently Gwyneth heard about the vagina egg from somebody named Shiva Rose, who just happens to sell them for about $60 each on her website. And if you're curious, check out goop.com for a great Q&A with Ms. Rose. That's where I learned that jade is especially good as a vagina egg material because it's heavy uh i i guess compared to smaller pieces of jade it's a heavy thing in weight and uh it's also rechargeable

using the light from a full moon oh well in that case yeah doubly green and here's my favorite part. Quote from the Q&A. Question. Can the egg get stuck or lost? Answer. No, it can't get lost. I mean, to be fair, it's in your vagina. It's not going to show up in the freezer like with my cell phone. It's in there. Such dirty ears. Yes.

So before we wrap it up, one other piece of advice. Don't put rocks in your vagina. No. Gwyneth Paltrow put Ben Affleck's penis in her vagina. So, not exactly an expert on what's a good idea to put in there, I would say. Strong disagree. Brad Pitt,

that weird British rock. Nonetheless, we're still going to help out with a little marketing as we like to do. We've already got 30 seconds on the clock. Slogans for the Vaginal Egg ad campaign obviously go. This is like my favorite 30 seconds

in a long time. Okay. Hump the Dumpty. Have a great sprawl. Eggs instead of dick. Keep it in there for the holidays, sauce. Holidays? How about the incredible edible kegel egg?

Get your vagina yoked up. How about the nest egg when your egg's been a dicked? I like it. The vag cubator. Maybe you'll hatch a dragon. Gotta walk a lot, though. You don't know.

All right. A little slogan. How about, I don't always shove rocks in my vagina, but when I do, I prefer a dos eggies. All right. How about the Flaprojet egg?

Which came first? The chicken, the egg, or the egg and the chick the vajage balance your chi from where you pee i feel sorry for your wife yeah me too right what's wrong with her i don't know she okay all right uh i got one more how about uh, uh, Hey Donald, Lego my ego. Yeah, no, yeah. And while we take a minute to tell Eli what vaginas do, we're going to wrap up the headlines. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Punch a Nazi!

And when we, no, don't do that. And when we come back, Can a Nazi punch himself? Okay, that would be fine. I think they could punch themselves. And when we come back, we'll critique an author that was doing alternative facts way before they were cool. So do vaginas punch Nazis? I'd watch that video. Hey, Andrew. What's going on?

Andrew! Eli, that's a nice outfit. So, so, how can I help? Okay, so did you see the video of the guy punching Richard Spencer? I did. So did Eli. I see. And now?

And now he thinks punching is legal. Punching. Jesus. Sorry. Not your vase, Andrew. Never mind. Never mind. Okay, Eli. Eli. Andrew-san.

Eli. Andrew-san. Andrew-san. Okay, Eli. Punching is not legal. Okay? It's assault. It could be battery. You can't punch people you disagree with. Well, Andrew,

I disagree. And according to my new philosophy, that means I punch you. Eli, Eli. Really? Get in the fucking... Heath, could you get him in the car, please? I got him. I got him. Come on, bud. Oh, jeez. Did you butter yourself?

Yeah. I look it. Sorry about this, Andrew. Did you butter yourself? Yeah. Sorry about this, Andrew. We tried. We tried. It's all we can do. That was an urn. He broke an urn. It's fine.

It's fine. Did you butter yourself? That's such a good one. That's such a good one. In this time of political divisiveness, I think it's important to take some time out to highlight the things that bind us as a community. The things that all rational people can agree on. Things like the superiority of New York pizza over the ragu stew in a bread bowl they give you in Chicago. The fact that the patriots can go suck a dick and of course the fact that the

Book of Mormon is the wackiest bullshit America has ever produced pre-Trump. Chicago pizza looks like real pizza got Ebola. Chicago people look like real people got Ebola. And of course it just wouldn't be a Holy Book review without my lovely wife, Lucinda.

Lucinda, welcome back. So you keep saying just wouldn't be on this shit. I'm just saying that we haven't tried yet. Skeptic. Nice try. But quick before I have to admit that I can't refute your logic, why don't you get us started here? So we start the story out with Nephi's OKCupid profile about how favored he is by the Lord, along with his word that you can take

his word for all the stuff he says yeah yeah the the familiar i'm not lying refrain that you so often hear from people telling the truth yep big fat liar here's another actual sentence from the very first paragraph of this book quote this is according to the account of nephi or in other words i nephi wrote this record he also points out here that he has written this in the language of the egyptians which is a little weird considering he's supposed to be an israeli in 600 bc just, is that a braggy thing? Just as a challenge to myself. Well, and then we get a bit about Nephi's dad, Lehi, going

out to pray to God about the impending destruction of Israel when God appears before him as a pillar of fire and scares the fuck out of him with his proclamations. It literally says he goes home and throws himself on the bed. Like he just got told by pillar of fire God

he can't go to the dance. Right, and this is followed by a vision that he has later on where he has a vision of Jesus angel before getting, quote, filled with the spirit of the Lord, end quote, i.e. God came all over his ass. Yeah, yeah, that's how I took it.

Well, there's also this weird bit where Nephi says, now my dad said all kinds of shit that was amazing and important. I'm not going to write it all down or anything, but take my word for it. It was pretty amazing. Oh, man. He was like, always, never. It was great.

Right, but Lehi went out to warn the jews about all the shit god said but you know jews so they just mocked him oh jews i took this passage very personally i think it was meant for you to take personally now so for the record all the muslims now have to convert to mormonism since mormonism uses the same argument to justify the validity of their holy book. Specifically, the Jews didn't believe him just like Noah and Moses, therefore he's right. If there's anything we can learn from the religions of the world, it's that the Jews deserved it. You could study comparative religion or you could listen to Mel Gibson at a DUI checkpoint. You're learning the same thing. Now, before we dive into the details of chapter two i just want to point out that we're a whopping 21 paragraphs into this thing and the words it came to pass

have appeared at least three times fuck this is going to be a tough one what's what's the one after passive voice this is like a cuck voice i don know. Jesus, please save my marriage. So God says, yeah, fuck those unruly Jews. Lehi, you did what you could. And then he commands him to take his family out into the wilderness, which he did. All right. Yeah. Okay.

So they leave Jerusalem and walk through the wilderness for three days until they hit the shore of the Red Sea. Now, I'll save you the trouble of Google mapping. For the record, that is a distance of approximately 350 miles. So, I'm making crazy good time. Yeah, whatever. Paul Ryan could do that in like three hours. If you drag him behind a truck.

Oh, God. Jesus. I'm just saying, I want to try. It's a scientific experiment, God. Jesus. I'm just saying, I want to try. Scientific experiment, though. So that's... Dantic. And about now, we need to acknowledge the other characters along for the speedwalk here. Those being Nephi's mother, Saria, and his three older brothers, Laman, Lemuel, and Sam. I love how they ran out of names by the end.

And, fuck, Dave. No, Sam. I love how they, like, ran out of names by the end. And, uh, fuck. Go ahead. Dave. No, Sam. Sam. Nephi, was your brother actually named Sam, or are you just saying what you see? No, Sam. Sam.

Also, little note here, but he says that his dad named his sons after the rivers that flow into the Red Sea, but there are no permanent rivers that flow into the Red Sea, and there's no evidence there ever were. So, just saying, picking up rivers. And yeah, we've got to bring them up because it's here that we learned that laymen and lamb mule are kind of being dicks about the whole leave all your possessions and briskly jog for three days to a river thing. Yeah, despite the fact that Dad clearly dreamed that it was the right thing to do.

What the hell's wrong with these people? despite the fact that dad clearly dreamed that it was the right thing to do. What the hell's wrong with these people? But apparently dad noticed, this is a quote, the stiff neckedness of layman and Lemuel exact words. So he sings to them like Woody Harrelson and white men can't understand stiff neckedness and I sympathize, but they kept being assholes about it anyway.

Yeah. It literally says they were so bad, they became like the Jews, guys. The Jews. Can you believe that? And Nephi also gets a God vision, which he tells Sam about. But those assholes, Laman and Lemuel, were having none of it. They murmured behind his back. Yeah.

And just to be clear, Nephi had a very, very large penis. He still wouldn't listen to him. Not just long, but girthy, too. Nice conical boar. Important to remember. Set at 21 for that real dark, earthy flavor.

I said it at 20. But God promises to like Nephi better. So I feel like we could just end the story there, but fucked if we're going to get that lucky. Yeah. Then we move into chapter three where God suddenly remembered that they left the iron on back in Jerusalem. So Lehi sends the brothers back to pick up the brass plates that Laban is holding on to. Right, which God knew before they left.

I mean, he's omniscient. So just keep that in mind through this whole chapter. they left. He's omniscient. Just keep that in mind through this whole chapter. God is supposed to be omniscient. I had another vision from God. You need to go back 350 miles. Just real quick, grab my large metal plates for me and turn off the oven

and get my phone charger. I feel like I could buy another one, but then you have the extra and you never really use it. You have two phones. Everyone's trying to be really cool about it to God so he doesn't cry. Just like, no, it's fine. I'm not mad. I'm sure I forgot something, too.

Yeah, yeah. See these mittens. Desert mittens. We both forgot things. business. We both forgot things. And Nephi, the ass kisser, agrees to do it, but has to point out how much more awesome he is than his brothers first. Yeah, well, because he doesn't

murmur against his father. That's the word they keep using. I love the visual of the two brothers going, I don't know why we have to go to this old motherfucker. What? Nothing? So they trek 350 miles back the way they came to get the

brass plates, and when they get there, they draw straws to see which one of them has to risk his life to go after the plates. Really wish you could see this. It's like, rock beats brass. No, brass covers rock. Hold on. Shh. Okay, I just had another vision from God. He said we should do one potato, too.

Oh. Okay, but paddle beats glue foot. Call forward. In the end, it turns out it's layman who has to go. Yeah, yeah. So layman, the murmury brother, has to go to see lay bin, who is the bad guy with the place. Try to keep up. I have literally written in the corner

of my Book of Mormon, M is for murder, B is for bad guy with plates. That's how I remember. I still can't remember any other names. So Laman says, hey man, any chance I could have those brass plates? To which Laban tells him to go

fuck off and calls him a robber. Right, right. And then all the brothers want to give up after that, but Nephi gets them this protracted pep talk about how awesome God is, so they agree to give it one more shot. Right. So then they gather all the silver and gold that they've left at their house and try to use that

to buy the brass plates. But Laban tries to kill them anyway. Pretty sure the plot of Scarface is based on that. And they have to run off again. And I would submit that it's impossible to read this part without hearing like a Bugs Bunny running

away sound effect. Right. I was hearing the Wagner runaway music like, Wabbit, kill the wabbit. Perfect. So, Laman is pissed at this point, and he hits Nephi with a stick for making such a stupid decision. But just then, an angel appears and tells them to, you know, stop hitting Nephi with a stick.

Come on, guys. This whole book feels like a Little Brother revenge fantasy. Right. God's entire purpose so far is to, like, make rul to make rulings on not touching, can't get mad. You can't. No, layman, he wasn't on your side. His Game Boy was. It was you who are the poo-poo face.

Exactly. That's basically what we're reading. So, okay, so they devised yet another plan. And as much as I expected it to involve all of them getting on each other's shoulders in one big trench coat or something. If they did giant Lamanite doctor, I would be so goddamn happy. And aroused. Well, of course. But no, instead they elect to break into Laban's place or whatever and just steal the plates.

Lamanite means black people. Which is not much of a plan. No. And when he does, he comes across Laban passed out drunk in his home. So, you know, he murders him. Right, right. Well, but Nephi doesn't want to do it. God

makes him do it. Yeah, good luck selling that to a jury of your peers, but anyway. Scarface, Bane Capital. This inspires a bunch of successful business enterprises. By the way, we should point out, he does not take a lot of convincing in this book. He's like, I don't know, God. And God's like, come on.

He's like, sure, squanch. It is abrupt. But the key here is that Joey's just like making shit up. So it's not like he has to explain away the fact that the hero murdered an unconscious man in cold blood. This is very clearly added so that people could use this book to justify murder later. Obvious. Mitt Romney murdered exactly as many people as Hillary Clinton. True story.

You're underestimating Romney, but yeah. You never talk about the DNC. That's the first rule. He also pulls a Dorothy Gell and takes the dude's clothes after he chops his head off yes that's because laban's palace has the same guards as the video game hitman nice uh barcode tattoo on the back of your head that i work with every day so he heads into the treasury and he comes across one of Laban's servants. And in the matter of Yosemite Sam being smitten by bugs and lady clothes, he thinks that Nephi is Laban because how else could he be wearing Laban's armor?

Point proven. He's just holding the severed head in front of his face, like moving the mouth. The whole weekend at Laban's thing. So they head outside where his brothers are also fooled by his clever disguise here. But eventually they realize who he is. Right. These motherfuckers never would have figured out who Superman was. And Zoram freaks out and goes to raise the alarm.

Right. But Nephi, being of large stature. Large penis. Wrestles Zoram to the ground. With his penis. Your version is so much better. And eventually convinces him to join them in the wilderness, which is not the most homoerotic this book will get, by the way. Hell, it's not even as homoerotic as joseph smith's description of moroni well true um or or his instinct to immediately strip a dead man naked with his

large penis i need that version they get back to the camp where dad was just as mom started to doubt this whole you know go cower in the woods and send her children on a suicide mission thing women and this is where we learn, by the way, that the brass plates are the Hebrew Bible. So back then, I guess those were way harder to come by. See, this is why you need a good relationship with the Jews. We can hook you up with some

Hebrew Bibles. Also, by the way, at this point, available on scrolls. I'm just saying, you have a chance to wander through the wilderness with a thousand page book and you can either have it on papyrus or carved into brass. Maybe you go with a former.

I'm just picturing Nephi walking into a Kinko's giant stack of metal plates, slams them on the counter. You put these onto a scroll? Oh. Was this Hebrew? Need to convert them to like ODF format.

Can you just do that? No, we don't do Reformed Egyptian here. Sorry. Seriously? You're just going to stand back there at your computer and pretend you don't see me? 600 BC Kinko's lady? I know you see me. Why do you need nails like that for your job? You don't.

Well, and apparently it's the Old Testament and his Ancestry.com results well right right so more than a thousand pages exactly right and then he spends an entire chapter making excuses for not including the genealogy in this volume since you know he needs all that room to explain important shit like why he's not including that fucking genealogy. Why is that? Yeah, technically we own all of Israel. Have you not read the Annals of the Kings of Judah? Oh, you have? It's a different one.

I'm not getting into it here. We just do. We just do. Didn't I say earlier you could trust me? This whole chapter sounds like me trying to legally bluff Andrew into letting me do stuff at ReasonCon. whole chapter sounds like me trying to legally bluff Andrew into letting me do stuff at ReasonCon. Wherefore, the party of the first part doesn't need underwear because, forthwith, bonk, bonk. Your concurrently situation will be improved.

Oh, shit. Then we get chapter seven, where absent-minded Mormon God suddenly realizes the four brothers can't fuck their way into procreation. So he sends them back to Jerusalem again to get wives, specifically Ishmael's daughters. Fuck. Fuck. All right. Last thing. Just go back.

Here's 50 miles. Real quick. Grab my glasses. I know I have. I'm not just the good one. My good ones that they're right on the counter. Great. Great.

Oh, now that you're up. Also for breeding slaves. You're going to the store anyway.. Oh, now that you're up, also four breeding slaves. You're going to the store anyway. I'm just saying, our patrons get their shit together, we can make this into a hilarious road trip. I'm so happy. Yeah, we should. But at this point,

Laman and Lemuel, along with a few of Ishmael's clan, get fed up with all this bullshit and rebel against them. Yeah, so Nephi reprimands them with a speech of ishmael's clan get fed up with all this bullshit and rebel against them yeah so nephi reprimands them with a speech that could basically be summed up by guys did you even read the last six chapters here yeah well an angel showed up just yeah and apparently laban and lemuel weren't particularly impressed by all of that shit so they tie him up and leave him for dead which i was kind of rooting for at this point. Oh, agreed. Nephi's the worst. And he looks

like a Pert Plus model from the 80s in that movie. I fucking hate him. I was visualizing that guy the whole time. But of course, Nephi prays his way out of the ropes and goes back to bitch at him some more. Worst magic show ever.

So they get back to dad's gypsy campsite and set about gathering seeds and grains of every kind on earth. Of course. And that takes most of a sentence. And then dad has a racist dream that he wants to share with them. Okay. But before he can dive into the recollection

of the dream, he starts off by telling him that Nephi and Sam are going to be A-OK in the future but Laman and Lemuel are fucked. He might as well be calling layman and lemuel you people at this point counting their skull dimples we're getting racist early yeah so uh just a heads up uh nephi and sam you guys are going to inherit the earth but uh you guys are going to be great at basketball. That's your one. But not point guard. So yeah, then he starts talking about the dream where he saw an awesome tree with

awesome fruit and he ate some of it. Yeah, and in the dream he sees Nephi and Sam and calls them over to the awesome tree but Laman and Lemuel were too evil to eat it so they had to go to hell instead. Right. Also, across the river from the awesome tree was a building full of well-dressed people that are going to laugh at you.

They're all going to laugh at you. Right. I love, too, that in Chapter 29, Joseph Smith must have realized this was getting crazy boring. So he does a little skip ahead, skip ahead, skip ahead. He does. He does. It's like, and then dad said a bunch of other shit and it was important, but you know.

Here's the other thing. There's supposed to be a big metal bar that leads them all the way to the fucking awesome tree, right? Right. All they had to do was walk next to a bar and they fucked it up. And by the way, this is the origin of black people according to the Book of Mormon.

Do you think Mormons ever yell that at their black friends when they're mad like well at least my ancestors can find a bar i'm sorry you're like our only one i shouldn't do this to you we need to keep we need to keep hold of you oh shit not that this is the first time but this book is officially less believable than who framed roger rather certainly less well thought out yeah but the important takeaway here is that layman and lemuel are evil bastards and dad knows it and nephi knows dad knows it just just keep that in mind as we press on from here on out there are

two murderer attempts and a prophecy warning nephi not to trust these motherfuckers nephi's like the trump voter who keeps wanting you to wait and see how he does on right right good still yeah so then we move on to chapter nine where Nephi realizes that he has to make a distinction here because we now have three different sets of plates right he's carving two new sets of plates so he names one of them the plates of brass and the other two the plates of Nephi not collectively though he names each of them individually the plates of Nephi. Larry, his brother Daryl, and his other brother Daryl? Yes.

Yeah. It's like their budget for syllables ran out. He had layman, lay ban, and that was it. Ban was the last dollar on Zola. Nephi, we already have. Damn it. So then we get a long bit where lehi predicts a bunch of shit that happened a long time ago with amazing accuracy well except not because it's all based

on the bible but yes his retrodictions match up with a demonstrably false biblical history right okay so am i understanding this correctly this is joe smith in like 1829 or something like that, predicting history and getting it wrong. Yes. Is that what's happening? And the Mormons love to ignore this, by the way. If you ever want to watch a teenager in a white dress shirt turn into a dad who smells like stripper, ask him about this part of the book. Oh, no, let me split. Because I went to the perfume counter to try. Genetic evidence of the end. Oh, no, let me, because I went to the perfume counter to try.

Genetic evidence of the, no, no, no. Okay, and there's this part where he might as well be saying, and this ability to talk to God was true way back when in my day, but it'll be equally true in Palmyra, New York in the 1820s. And I get

to marry like 30 tweens. Wait, I'm Nepens wait I'm Nephi and my great great I'm not writing down all the genealogy you get a bunch of wives to fuck kids later maybe in New York or Utah or whatever maybe a guy named Mo

anything that ends with O and just to add a little credibility to his claims here he concludes chapter 10 by saying that the Holy Ghost totally agrees with him oh yeah and then a chapter later Nephi gets all the God powers he was hoping for and God shows him pretty much exactly the same vision as his dad had

already described so I kind of wanted to end with the angel going like see you keep begging for this is why we do the prophecy to one dude and then let him tell everybody else what the fuck happened. How pointless was this? No, whole fucking chapter in your plates about it, dude. Carve that shit.

It was so important that you got to see the visions too. Carve it down twice like an asshole that you are. Not on the plates of Nephi. On the plates of Nephi. Idiot. Tell him what a bitch you were about this. Do it. But we do get a little more detail on Jesus here.

For example, did you know that Jesus was really Caucasian? Seems odd for a Middle Eastern Jew, but no, he was really white. Megyn Kelly, secret Mormon. Also, the angel is like, Nephi, what did you see? And he says, I see a virgin most beautiful and fair above all other versions so he's looking at her hymen i don't get it uh i think this was just locker room talk oh he beheld her oh crap they let you do anything oh shit he also feels the need to really spell out the tree metaphor here, just in case it was too subtle.

The fruit represents the love of God, y'all. Yeah. I remember that. That's what that was. I was painting that apple tree outside white. I guess that's where we're going to wrap for the day. We're about halfway through First Nephi, and just about to get to the America fuck yeah portion of the program.

Seems like as a logical stopping point as any. Every sentence would have been a good place to stop. No. Yeah. Touche. So if you're reading along with us, we're going to be polishing off this chapter in three weeks on episode 209. Between now and then, everything you could possibly read would be better than this. Except the Quran.

Except the Quran. And I liked it. Oh, Jews. Before we crawl back into the bomb shelter this week, I wanted to thank Thomas Smith from the Serious Inquiries Only podcast, formerly Atheistically Speaking, for a really good conversation he had with Eli

about the whole Nazi punching thing this week. If you want to hear Eli change his mind more or less in real time, you'll find a link on the show notes for this episode. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday. Obviously, I need to thank Heath for his tireless efforts to remain indefatigable. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for talking me back from the ledge when I realized substantial numbers of our listeners were actually pro-vigilante violence. I want to thank Eli Bosnick for exhibiting the kind of intellectual integrity that we should all strive for this week

and also for not licking anybody against their will. I also want to thank Alex for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, along with apologies for taking four months to get around to using it. Somehow got lost in my inbox, bro. Sorry about that. And by the way, that's true. I was there. Eli offered a 13-year-old hookers and blow, and his dad said,

holy shit, do these guys need a lawyer? And the rest is history. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most munificent mammals, Spencer Charles, Kent, Jeff, Kristen, Becky, Katarina, Ben, Courtney, Nicholas, Andrew, Zoe, Antonio, Laileth, Christine, Phelan, and that ghost writer.

Spencer Charles, Kent, and Jeff, whose press secretaries would never have to lie about their size. Kristen, Becky, Katerina, Ben, and Courtney, whose wisdom is so legendary that the number 42 goes to them for answers. Nicholas, Andrew, Zoe, and Antonio, who are so hot they can light a candle over the phone. And Laileth, Christine, Phelan, and that ghostwriter who God would thank if he ever won an Oscar. Together, these 17 severely savvy savants severed some savings to save our sovereign civility from the savagery of unsavory sanctimony this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money it takes to give us money,

but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help but you're worried about inflicting us with tuberous evil, you can also help us a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes or by telling a friend about the show. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineers, Morgan Clark. Our theme song was arranged and performed by Morgan Clark with Richard McNulty on guitar.

All additional music was written and performed by Morgan Clark and was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingads.com. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.