The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 207: Originalist Gangsta Edition

Episode Date: February 2, 2017

In this week’s episode, we prove that those who don’t learn from history are doomed to retweet it, being a douchebag finally pays off for Texas Governor Greg Abbott, and we revisit the Book of Mormon long enough to determine that it really is that crazy. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Guest Links: For more info on the Nashville Nones Convention, click here: https://nashvillenones.com/ To check out the Science Enthusiast podcast, click here: http://scienceenthusiastpodcast.com/ Headlines: Short list of Trump SCOTUS nominees is terrifyingly religious: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/01/26/the-nominees-on-donald-trumps-supreme-court-shortlist-are-a-threat-to-churchstate-separation/ Trump vows priority immigration for Christians: https://www.washingtonpost.com/world/national-security/trump-approves-extreme-vetting-of-refugees-promises-priority-for-christians/2017/01/27/007021a2-e4c7-11e6-a547-5fb9411d332c_story.html Mosque shooting in Quebec: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/01/29/world/americas/quebec-city-mosque-shooting-canada.html David Barton and Glenn Beck are gonna make a pseudo-history museum: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/glenn-beck-and-david-barton-are-seeking-donations-to-build-their-own-history-museum/ http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/01/27/glenn-beck-and-david-barton-want-to-build-a-history-museum-like-things-werent-bad-enough-already/ Kristin Hawkins: "Birth control and IUDs should be illegal." http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/01/29/anti-abortion-leader-to-msnbcs-joy-reid-birth-control-pills-and-iuds-should-be-illegal/ Scientists March on Washington (plus stories about gagging scientists, etc.): http://bigthink.com/robby-berman/scientists-plan-a-march-on-dc-to-speak-up-for-science-and-facts and https://www.marchforscience.com/ Reporter asks rep about “radical Christianity”, gets called a son of a bitch: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/01/27/after-reporter-asks-about-radical-christianity-former-tx-state-rep-calls-him-a-son-of-a-bitch Greg Abbott gets feminine hygiene products sent to his office after signing fetus burial act: http://www.rawstory.com/2017/01/bury-this-used-menstrual-products-pelted-at-texas-governor-after-he-signs-fetal-burial-order/ This Week in Misogyny: Pastor: Women’s marchers on the godless side of a spiritual war: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/01/26/christian-right-pastor-womens-march-participants-are-on-the-godless-side-of-a-spiritual-war/ MS State Senator on women’s march: Almost all liberal women are unhappy: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/01/26/mississippi-state-senator-reacts-to-womens-march-almost-all-liberal-women-are-unhappy/ Glenn Beck claims Women’s March was created by Soros/ISIS: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/glenn-beck-thinks-the-womens-march-was-george-sorosradical-islam-astroturf/

Warning, this podcast was going to contain profanity even before current events gave it so many good reasons to. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by BloomThat.com, LootCrate.com, and by Wall State Mexican Insurance Company. You're in tiny little good hands with Wall State. And now, The Scathing Atheist. This is Natalie and Dan of the Science Enthusiast Podcast. Despite what you may have heard, we don't really think there was much intelligence put into our design as humans. I mean, if we were intelligently designed, then why is it necessary to cut the end of babies' dicks off?

And then proceed to have a rabbi perform oral sex on the child? I mean, what is this, a Catholic church or something? Which is why we assure you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's February 2nd. And Sally Yates is a motherfucking badass. Ain't she, though? I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright.

I'm from New York, New York. Secret lair of Pennsylvania. This is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, we prove that those who don't learn from history are doomed to retweet it. Being a douchebag finally pays off for Texas Governor Greg Abbott. And we revisit the Book of Mormon long enough to determine that it really is that fucking crazy but first the diatribe When I set out to write an essay about the problems with religion every week for 207 weeks in a row, I guess it was inevitable that from time to time I was going to find myself reiterating points, right? Sometimes it'll be because I wanted to add clarity or nuance.

Sometimes I'll just come up with a new analogy that I really like. And sometimes it'll be because world affairs come along and shove the point back in my face with all the subtlety of Eli asking if his balls look normal. I mean, it's not like the people we're arguing against don't keep trotting out the same bullshit, and there are only so many novel ways of pointing out why they're wrong. So with that in mind, let's take another look at morality as it relates to the Bible. Now, by my count, the Bible talks about immigrants and refugees at least a couple dozen times, over a hundred if you want to interpret it liberally. You get references in the Pentateuch, the wisdom books,

the historical books, the minor prophets, the major prophets, the gospels, and the epistles, and they present one of the most consistent and unambiguous moral threads of the entire fucking book. To a passage, every single one of them implores its reader to embrace the sojourner, the traveler immigrant in their land right they all basically read like leviticus 1933 and 34 quote and if a stranger sojourn with thee in your land ye shall not vex them but the stranger that dwelleth with you shall be unto you as one born among you and thou shall love him as thyself

for ye were strangers in the land of egypt i am the Lord your God. Blah, blah, blah. That is from fucking Leviticus. Even a book full of child stoning and homophobia and disemboweled goats managed to get to morality right on that question. Now, when it comes to butt fucking, the Bible gives us six verses at most. And they range in prescriptions from murder on the spot to won't inherit the kingdom of God. Funny how the Bible is such a clear authority when it tells you to hate somebody you already hated, but not so much when it tells you to love them. Now, I will give some credit to a number of religious leaders who have pointed out the Bible's univocal message on immigration

in the wake of Trump's draconian travel ban. I mean, you kind of expect like the Episcopalians and the Methodists to come out against this, and obviously all the Muslim groups are going to come down on the right side of it. And the Jews know where this kind of shit leads. But the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops called this move devastating. The Southern Baptist Convention sent a letter urging Trump to reconsider. Hell, even the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints referred reporters to an official statement they made decrying this concept as soon as Trump started bandying around on the campaign trail. And when me, the Conference of Catholic Bishops, the Southern Baptist Convention,

and the Mormons are all on the same side of a moral issue, gotta figure it's a pretty hard one to get wrong. Now, we're going to get into the travel ban a little bit more in the headlines, so I don't want to dig too deep into that right here, but I do want to offer very sincere kudos to the religious groups that have spoken up and used their platform for the powers of good on this one i mean obviously the assholes who make it onto our show regularly are praising schmuck all orange is the modern day jesus but by and large the religious leadership across this country is coming out on the right side of this issue and yet it doesn't seem to

be making a lick of fucking difference among their flocks does it because when you look at trump's historically dismal approval ratings, the only place he's still got strong support is among the highly religious. I mean, sure, lack of education, lack of melanin, those things correlate pretty highly too. But as much as the numbers show,

the people on board with him are the same people that brought us gay-free bakeries, corporations with legally protected religions, and pre-urinal birth certificate checks and christianity has to own that shit of course whatever i'm in the extreme so i say they have to own it from top to fucking bottom i believe they're responsible for every bit of bigotry that dribbles out of their archaic rule book and into the modern world but even if you're inclined

to be way more forgiving than me they at least have to own the fact that christianity was insufficient to sway those people morally right it didn't matter how clear the fucking book was about it. They rejected the biblical morality when it didn't match up with their own prejudices. Religion helped them hate, but it couldn't swing the door the other way. They only used the Bible to justify the shit they already believed in. Even when the book gave them an unmistakable moral dictum that finally lined up with humanitarianism, they had no trouble at all pushing it aside without the slightest pang of cognitive dissonance. Now, I've said it before and loudly, but once more and with a different analogy.

Religion is to morality as auto-tuning is to vocal talent. The former subverts the latter under the guise of augmenting it. It creates the illusion that it's there when it clearly isn't. And even at its best, it's an inferior and unsatisfying counterfeit. And despite colossal evidence to the contrary, religious apologists trot this bullshit out first when they're trying to justify their interference with reality-based reality. The one tenuous benefit they still cling to is an illusion and not even a convincing one at that. It's the linking fucking rings. Where do atheists get their morals?

From the same fucking place as everybody else, you condescending asshole. Only we don't have an antiquated book trying to carve out exceptions. We got our morals from the same innate empathy that dogs and monkeys and squirrels seem to understand without any deities getting nailed to any fucking crosses.

And yet somehow for centuries, these saboteurs of natural empathy still manage to claim some kind of moral superiority. The guys who continue to harbor the child rapists are making moral proclamations that the international press is still dutifully quoting. The underlying idea that religion is positively linked to morality is so baked into our culture, so baked into our language that it's hard to avoid. And yet when you take a look at the world objectively, it is far more often aligned against morality than with it. And not to get too Bible-quoty on everybody here, but I just want to remind any Christians bearing their way through this diatribe that I'm playing by their fucking rules here. All right, I mean, it's not like Mr. the Savior was silent on this topic. Matthew 720,

wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are descendants of immigrants Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to wake the fuck up or what? There's no place like homophobia. There's no place like homophobia. Seriously, stop making me defend Muslim countries. I don't like it. I don't feel comfortable. Yeah.

All right. Well, obviously, we're doing all we can to bottle up our rage long enough for this intro, but we're pros. So before we uncork the anger, we're going to take a quick break to tell you all about our first sponsor this week, BloomThat.com. Hey, guys. You know Valentine's Day is right around the corner, right? Yep.

Yeah. Eli's first one as a married man. Yeah. Big deal. Yeah. Well, I wanted to tell you guys about our new sponsor this week, Bloom That, so that we don't get a repeat of what happened last year. What do you mean repeat of what happened? Well, like Heath, remember how you bought flowers from that cut rate online mega florist? Yeah, they were the cheapest. And Eli, remember how you forgot until the last minute and bought a mysterious plant from a blind man in a Chinatown basement?

To be fair, any time I fed it would have been after midnight. No, you're right. You're right. And Heath, you remember how your flowers were weeks old? Most of them didn't bloom or died within a day? No. Dude, you ordered roses and they sent you carnations they were red though and and eli you remember how your flower turned

against you and started demanding human sacrifice i feel like demanding is harsh suggesting and and heath you remember how your flowers ended up with a bunch of hidden fees that made them way more expensive than you expected i do remember that and eli you remember how expensive that out-of-court settlement was for the unlicensed use of suddenly seymour i still say they wouldn't have minded if heath had come to rehearsal once in a while well this year you guys can save all that hassle with bloom that ordering takes two minutes from start to finish and you'll get gorgeous artisan styled handcrafted bouquets and an elegant burlap wrap. Don't settle for week-old red roses and baby's breaths or carnivorous demon plants.

When you can get the kind of beautifully designed arrangement she would buy herself. Why do you sound like a commercial? But is it a great value? Now, you're both doing it. Well, Bloom That is always a great value, Eli. But on top of that, they've got an amazing exclusive offer for our listeners. You can get a gorgeous bouquet bursting with Valentine's colors, plus a premium designer vase that would cost most people 15 bucks,

plus a handmade caramel treat, normally $10, but free for our listeners. Wow, that's a huge savings. About $25. And it's the best deal they're offering. But you can only get that if you go to our page bloomthat.com slash atheist. That's B-L-O-O-M T-H-A-T dot com

slash atheist. You'll automatically get the free premium designer vase and the caramel treat and find the perfect handcrafted designer flower cut when you order. And I get my money back if the flowers ask me to kill on their behalf. there's nothing about that in the copy but yeah i'm pretty sure they would do that for you so don't wait this amazing

offer won't last and is only available to our listeners if you go to bloom that.com slash atheist okay well that's important we should find out and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight from the originalist gangstafile, Donald Trump has been narrowing down his list of potential Supreme Court nominees, and he finally told everyone his pick this week with a big reveal show, live on Primetime TV and Facebook. In the end, the choice came down to either Neil Gorsuch, Thomas Hardiman, or LeBron James and the Miami Heat. And as you've all probably heard by now, he went with Neil Gorsuch.

Which is racist, by the way. And I guess this gives us, what, the Taylor Hicks of the Supreme Court? Ladies and gentlemen, sole parole. I thought the Rose presentation ceremony was very tasty. Nonetheless. All right. So a quick note before we get into the details of our nominee. This whole process is complete bullshit. Yep. Senate Republicans very literally stole this nomination by refusing to vote on confirming Merrick Garland for 293 days.

More than doubling the record for that. And really multiplying it by infinity because he never got voted on. Yeah, and counting, right, yeah. Jesus. Instead, the GOP decided that the will of the people apparently only counts for about three quarters of a presidential term. And after that, apparently it still doesn't count because the will of the

people was hillary clinton by about three million votes well but i i thought most of those were illegal dead immigrants though that three million still counts yeah a guy on twitter who thinks israel hacked the election said so yeah who are you going to believe good sources okay so here's a quick summary of neil gors. I'll start with his general philosophy. He's an originalist and a textualist. And those are basically just fancy words that let you avoid saying, I like the rules exactly like they were at the beginning when women and black people weren't people yet. Yeah.

Well, look, in every other discipline, we call this archaic thinking, but in constitutional law, it's called originalism. The skyping with vacuum tubes of jurisprudence. Hey, at least we know Clarence Thomas will be on board with his right to call him boy the way Scalia used to. That's fine. I think

that's totally great, actually. I really like that. You have to kind of guess what his voice would sound like. You got Gorsuch going already. totally great, actually. I really like that. You have to kind of guess what his voice would sound like. You've got Gorsuch going already. Get excited, everybody. All right, so in terms of a few major issues, Gorsuch is in favor of the Hobby Lobby decision. Rolled on it.

Go fuck yourself. He's staunchly anti-euthanasia, and it's safe to assume he's also pro-life. Oh, and he's pro-death penalty. Yeah. Obviously, you want to be consistent. And worst of all, he's fucking 49 years old. Right, yeah.

And he looks goddamn beautiful. I want to climb on his back while he does one-arm push-ups. So if he gets fucking confirmed, we're stuck with this perfect chiseled asshole face for like 50 years. Fuck. On the plus side, he was a clerk for kennedy so maybe some of that uh cowardice until it's time to fight batman villain levels of evil rubbed off on fingers crossed and and in first they came for the muslims but we'd already heard that poem news

tonight american airports made shitty even for american airports a thing this week after our petulant prepubescent potus enacted the the closest thing to a Muslim ban that his lawyers could come up with. With his eighth wildly controversial executive order in as many days, President Pussy Grabber suspended admission for all refugees from the Syrian crisis for 120 days while even more onerous and overbearing vetting procedures could be implemented and barred entry from seven Muslim-majority nations with no Trump business interests in them. Both the intent of the order and its cranscrawled levels of vetting through related agencies led to an inhumane clusterfuck for tens of thousands of people already approved to relocate to the U.S., some of whom, by the way, were in the fucking air on the way when this happened.

And let's be clear what this means. This means people who were legally allowed to come here, as in already went through the vetting, were held for hours, often in handcuffs and without food, including but not limited to refugees escaping war-torn countries, returning students, doctors, and let's be real, army translators, the people who prevent us from dying. And I mean, all that stuff is fantastic if you're making porn but otherwise it feels unethical and honestly that statement applies to almost everything lots of things oh yeah almost everything trump does anyway of course

many human rights organizations have been quick to dub this a muslim ban which is admittedly inaccurate but uh despicable racist anti-american religious test for immigration takes too long to say it doesn't acronym well so i forgive him for that of course trump spokespeople are furious over the use of that term despite the fact that it was articulated as such on his campaign's website which was still up at the time of this writing and also by the way the fact that he reportedly called rudy giuliani and asked how to ban the muslims legally and and if you need the intent straight from the horse's ass, in an interview with Christian Broadcasting Network the day after this order was signed, Trump also clearly stated his intent to make exceptions for refugees with the correct God.

When asked if he would prioritize Christian refugees, he responded with an emphatic yes, accused the Obama administration of showing preferential immigration access to Muslims, and then tacked on some of his patented up goer five blubbery. That's that's actually what he calls his tiny little right hand. So anyway, he said of ISIS, quote, they were chopping off the heads of everybody, but more so to Christians. And I thought it was. No, look. And I thought it was very, very unfair. and I thought it was very and I thought it was very very unfair end quote

it was unfair President of the United States at least chop off heads equally these people they'll chop heads equally and we're going to start chopping off heads equally and Steve Bannon's like you should really chop off some Jewish and Muslim heads to make it even further

that's why I hired you, Steve. You're a numbers guy. Go tell the National Security Council they're defiant. And like, just you do it from now on. Who needs a general? Also, for your asshole uncle who can't be bothered to Google, no, this is nothing like what Obama did in 2011, which was limited to one country,

didn't include people who were already approved was in response to a specific threat and didn't have built-in plans to accept people who were jesusy enough but go ahead uncle steve keep getting your information from bite means that's working out awesome oh yeah he's awesome no yeah yeah exactly well and you can tell how different it is by the reaction right the totality of this move led to widespread condemnation from humanitarian groups around the world who are already exhausted over the last thing they were condemning this asshole about it also led to more or less immediate protests at airports across the country specifically aimed at reports of the detention of refugees currently in the system but not technically in

the u.s just yet the aclu also sprung into action and one stays on trump's order from four different district courts all the ones they filed from forbidding the deportation of people who are in transit when the order went into effect. And while that's a long way from overturning this draconian bigotry, it's an important reminder to Trump that there are still rules. Of course, at the time of this writing, it's unclear whether those rules are being complied with or still exist. And the only silver lining of that is a potentially quicker impeachment. But we'll have to refer to you to news sources that don't record a couple of days in advance for more on that and look like everyone else on this podcast and most of the people listening to it i'm gonna find out the legal stuff about this from opening arguments but in the shithole that made up the stories

the protests and the movement of the aclu do matter oh absolutely yeah i am by no means saying that like this war is won or we need to stop fighting. But if you were looking for a glimmer of hope in this shitstorm of the week, Google some pictures of the lines of pro bono lawyers sitting on the floor of JFK ready to help refugees or think about how fucking hard it was for Sally Yates to lose her job

rather than join the goddamn new nazi party yeah the one thing i'm looking forward to though you know they're eventually going to detain like muslim version of noah and he's going to turn to the hulk or jean gray or whatever and shit's going to get crazy it wasn't that bad you asked the lady if you could spit in her mouth asked i asked and i respected her decision and by way, it's probably worth noting, too, the sheer breadth of the international denunciation of this bullshit, too, right? Like Angela Merkel apparently called Trump the next day to explain to him how the Geneva Convention works. For example, no, thanks. Don't need any chocolate. Also, Toblerone has already mentioned the acting attorney general refused to defend the order and got

shit canned over it more than a hundred employees of the state department signed onto a memo asserting that this act is a humanitarian disaster that actually makes you out of citizens less safe canadian prime minister justin trudeau offered to take in any and all refugees our shit state of a country turns away a petition in the uk to uninvite trump from a scheduled state visit went from 372 signatures to over 1.3 million over the weekend. Iran's foreign ministry rightly dubbed the order as insulting and a gift to the extremists. British Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson called the ban divisive and wrong. France's foreign minister said discrimination is not the answer.

Majority shareholder in the Republican Party, Charles Koch, liking the ban to some Adolf Hitler would have done. And Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull said it's, um, it's, um, I don't get the question. You guys are mad. You seem mad. Gibbity gibbity. And in totally unrelated news tonight, in a story that has

absolutely nothing to do with the religious test for entry created by the country next door, or the Prime minister's human and empathetic reaction to it canada decided to cheat off america's test this week with their very own mass shooting and like most mass shootings they even got some crazy white people to do it oh yeah yeah now if you gotta be careful though kelly n conway hears that press release tomorrow eli bosnick praises trump for effective efforts to increase exports.

She actually can't open her mouth without bugs flying out anymore. In her defense, though, she does keep that crip pretty safe. Hey, that is no way to speak about her vagina. What? It's not safe? It's safe. Get dust in your dick. Cold transition right back into that tragedy now, Eli.

Straight back to the death toll from the shooting. You were saying something about horrible mass shooting that left a nation in shock and mourning? And go. Yes, indeed. Sunday night, one gunman, now in police custody, opened fire in a mosque in the city of Quebec, killing six people and wounding eight others. And we can't stress enough that this violence

will not and cannot stop until Canadian politicians start having honest conversations about the danger posed by white people. Right. Right. Let's face it. We already know who's doing all the raping. Yeah.

Drake. Exactly. And the mass shootings are white people, too. We're a big problem. We are. We got to stop letting Heath start fights with Drake on our show. We are. We got to stop letting Heath start fights with Drake on our show.

The shooter reportedly expressed far-right views online against feminism and in support of Trump, causing edgelords all over the Internet to twiddle their thumbs and look all around the room in different directions. It's almost like hearing and expressing poisonous ideas that are constantly on an unrestricted platform when the community that's supposed to challenge those ideas is obsessed with protecting and profiting off them? He's worse than being banned from Twitter. What do I know? I'm not on the same side as the Nazis. You should tweet at me. You're not the bad guy. You're great.

Okay, but in fairness, Canadian Nazis are super polite. They're like, hey, sorry. Sorry, but I've got to murder like six of you. I got Tim Hortons for everyone really sorry about this just line up be nice sorry get the moose out of the way and look here's what's funny about this shit there's something funny about this shit oh there's plenty funny apparently muslim kid who'd been watching radicalizing youtube videos and

then attacked everyone with a pressure cooker, everyone would have absolutely no problem understanding the relationship. But since this was a white guy and he was listening to their favorite flavor of racism and misogyny, all of a sudden everyone wants a double-blind study with two white Canadians and equally feminist and anti-feminist tweets

before they want to say something. If the mass shooter followed you on Twitter, it should give you fucking pause, you smug villains of history. How do they not know they're the bad guy? You gonna be okay? Never gonna be okay.

Luckily, this cloud has a silver lining. And unlike if this had happened here and we'd have to listen to Sean Spicer explain how luckily that group of Muslims got caught stealing bullets out of that guy's gun, the condemnation from both sides of the aisle in Canada

has been universal and serves as a stark reminder that sanity, empathy, and humanity lies just on the other side of Buffalo. Really close drive from here. Healthcare. Legal weed. We're thinking about it yeah yeah no it's great time to invade never been a better time to invade and in american history

f news tonight glenn beck and david barton are planning to start their own history museum together. And aside from the obvious religious propaganda angle, the reasoning is fantastic. Apparently they both really want to teach some history classes, but absolutely nobody at a credible school is going to hire them to do that. So now they're raising money for their own place. It's like two chefs who only make shit sandwiches got frustrated with

job interviews and decided to open a restaurant themselves. Like that, but way more dangerous, actually. Right. So it'd be like if the guys who opened Subway were way more dangerous. Got it. Okay. This is how we end up with Chicago style pizza people. nip it in

the bud never forget so um these guys announced their project on a recent episode of beck's tv show and the entire segment is insane first of all the set looks like somebody made a man cave inside brie larson's room i mean that room did have everything you need to kick back and relax wait room or this doesn't matter and anyway we get glenn beck and david barton sitting on a leather couch and what's very clearly a sex dungeon yes moments after one of them got blown by the other also very clearly which is great for one of them but you know just be gay if you're gay together it's fine that t-shirt did not sell well at the live show that was a bad investment i feel like the image was the problem not the words they were also good message anyway

glenn becks starts describing their plan for a history museum and not only is he wearing a super rapey cosby sweater and yes, those are rapey now. Oh yeah. He also has a Chicago Blackhawks hat with the minstrel show version of a native American on it. Not the greatest choice when you're talking about starting up a Christian centric American history museum.

Right. But I mean, all the choices were so fucking weird. I think the camera suddenly behind him now it's handheld diagonal pan. Barton's look around the whole time. Like he's going to have to carve a key out of somebody before the hand grenade in his ass goes off. Beck's dressed like a fucking fighter pilot delivering a ransom demand. It is impossible to overstate how creepy and sex dungeon-y the entire thing was. And look, I've sat around a room that shouldn't have leather couches once all the coke was gone, talking about how I was going to build a boat.

But I had the decency not to film it. Right? That's all we ask. I did. The worst part is definitely the actual words that came out of their fucking faces. First, Glenn Beck starts talking about all the stuff they need. And he says, we're trying to buy the good and the bad. So we have it all. And Barton clar to buy the good and the bad so we have it all.

And Barton clarifies the good history and the bad history. What? So they're going to take the good and take the bad and there you have alternative facts of life. Fantastic. Hopefully their museum name and theme song also. What the hell does that even mean? The bad history.

Like the scratched and dented fossils? We're going to have the Roman artifacts and the Lemurian ones. Most people don't know there was a whole civilization based on those monkeys. Fun fact. It is based on those little primates. Well done. We're picturing very different

things. Not all that different. Speaking of alternative facts, they closed out their announcement with the following quote from motherfucking 1984. He who controls the past controls the future.

He who controls the present controls the past. And they did it in tandem like a new couple sharing their first answering machine. It was really creepy. Look, we didn't have to do the answering machine.

You wanted to use a racial slur, Eli. Multiple. Multiple. How will people know. You wanted to use a racial slur, Eli. Multiple. Multiple. How will people know who's allowed to leave a message? And in don't pill your baby news tonight, among the various insane reactions to the Women's March last week was the so-called March for Life. This march, which brought literally dozens of concerned people who think come as a

baby to the streets received praise from both the president and vice president this week that or they scheduled their tweets a week late it happens well you know and by the way the proximity of the women's march is a bit of a coincidence you know of course like sitting vice presidents don't usually show up to these things but this actually is an annual thing that they do on the anniversary of Roe v. Wade. That's 410 U.S. 113, 1973, by the way. And I only bring that up because I wanted a chance to use the citation and sound Andrew smart. Oh, I always thought he just made up words. You seem oddly confident that's not what I just did. Fair. And while the thought of thousands of people taking to the street because they failed

thinking on easy mode is depressing as fuck, it's not all darkness. Because out of it, like a fiery phoenix, rose what may be the most stupid interview of 2017 so far. With none other than president of Students for Life and Monica Lewinsky having an allergic reaction to peanuts, Kristen Hawkins. She looks like her cats think she's really funny. Yeah, but they don't want to ruin their friendship with her. Kristen, who appeared on MSNBC,

made it through the entire interview without eating, and she should be proud of that, but at the very end stuffed her foot firmly in her mouth when she admitted that in addition to abortion, she'd like to see birth control like the pill and IUDs banned as well. Right. Also, gym socks, coffee filters, shot glasses, duct tape, pictures of Kristen Hawkins, lots of things. Pictures of Kristen Hawkins. Lots of things need to get done.

Much to host Joy Reid's confusion in what was an attempted moment of commonality to the panel, Reid tried to get Hawkins to agree that they all thought birth control was a good idea, to which Hawkins replied, quote, I don't believe abortion causing contraception should be legal, end quote. And she didn't mean abortion. Or she didn't mean abortion or she didn't mean causing yeah so what do you think she's picturing just like every time comes about to land outside of a fertile fallopian tube like a a stork flies past and just catches the cum in its mouth and flies it to a uterus and spits it inside what what's i know and'd watch that porn two girls one stork i have

yeah exactly and since we're clearly all warmed up from misogynistic stupidity i guess there's no better time to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife lucent a man wrote the bible a horse which one if it's a legitimate race right cooking can be fun this week in Massage. Well, I'm sorry to say it, but it looks like this week I'm going to have to do a bit of a correction. We strive for accuracy here on Scathing Atheist, but with our production schedule, I guess we're bound to get some shit wrong now and again. And when we do, we pride ourselves on making sure we clear up any confusion we might have caused. If you'll recall, I spent this segment last week talking about the Women's March on Washington and its scores of sister

marches across the globe. And at the time, I characterized it as an inspiring, historic reminder of the power of protest and the difference we can all make in a free democracy. But in my defense, I said all of this before I had a man there to explain what was really going on. And it turns out that it was really a bunch of satanic, grumpy sluts inspired by ISIS. So let's start with the satanic bit, shall we? That comes to us from our old friend E.W. Jackson, who started off by pointing out that the Women's March didn't represent all women, which didn't occur to me, apparently. And as not in need of evidence, as that claim is, he still managed to fuck up justifying it when he explained that most women stayed home to watch Donald Trump's

inauguration on the previous day. I guess we took a good 24 hours to figure out the remote control and all those scary buttons. Now, as to the grumpy part, well, we learned that from Missouri State Senator Chris McDaniel, who took to the Facebooks to explain the English despondency that really motivated all those marching women. Because you know how depression makes you get up and be active and stuff? It's like that. According to McDaniel's quote, So a group of unhappy liberal women marched in Washington, D.C. We shouldn't be surprised. Almost all liberal women are unhappy. Perhaps there's a

correlation, end quote. He went on to belittle the women of the march by asking why he should have to pay for the birth control if they could afford all those piercings and tattoos. So in his defense, I bet he's never met a woman of any political persuasion that stayed happy for long. But to be honest, the fact that we were actually satanic tattooed grumpy sluts wasn't that surprising to me. It's kind of what you expect from us liberals. The real shocker was that we were marching for women's right on behalf of ISIS. And I probably never would have guessed that if I hadn't been clued in by our old buddy Glenn Beck. But luckily for me, he got on the radio Monday after the march

and explained that the whole thing was orchestrated by George Soros and radical Islamic groups. And I'd love to explain to you how he got there, but I can't reenact his explanation without a chalkboard to smear feces onto. So you'll have to trust me on this. And with that correction out of the way, I'll hand things back over to the menfolk and go make a fucking sandwich. Thank you, Lucinda. And in appealing to the volume times densities news tonight, the merging of the Venn diagram circles representing people who are organizing against the Trump administration and people who know things neared completion this week with the announcement of a pending scientist march on Washington.

Yep. Love this. Get ready, you ignorant science denying fucks. It's revenge of the nerds time. Fantastic. Melania will be getting fucked by a scientist in a bouncy castle spaceship. That is happening. Interesting side note.

One of the few examples of revenge rape happy endings in american cinema strong disagree in in mainstream american cinema objection stands anyway i meant this comes in the wake of a number of distressingly anti-science moves from the trump's fledgling russian pro-consulate including but not limited to appointing a climate change denialist to head the epa muzzling federally funded science communication, and hinting around about a federal anti-vax commission. Yeah, so far his presidential plan seems to be the first 200 pages of The Stand. Well, M-O-O-N does spell climate change hoax, apparently, yeah.

So these moves have led to condemnation from the global scientific community, as well as some pretty awesome rogue Twitter accounts. But since the president has shown himself to be unfazed led to condemnation from the global scientific community, as well as some pretty awesome rogue Twitter accounts. But since the president has shown himself to be unfazed by global condemnation and obsessed with crowd size, I feel like a mass demonstration is certainly in order. They should spend the entire March explaining exactly how we know only four people came to the inauguration. Yeah. Honestly, teaching the president of the United States about counting would be a great first step. Maybe go on Sesame Street first just to get ready. Big bird who I have no respect for.

Total loser. Too big a bird. Apologize. So organizers released a statement on the march, which reads in part, quote, Politicians who devalue expertise risk making decisions that do not reflect reality and must be held accountable. An American government that ignores science to pursue ideological agendas endangers the world. End quote. And to be fair, science is only one of the many things that the Donald Trump administration is imperiling the world by ignoring. But it might be the deadliest. Only because he hasn't tweeted about hippos yet.

He will start a war with hippos if you give him half a fucking chance is what Eli's saying. Very disappointing. Fat. Gross. Gross hippos. Safe to get in the cage with them. Of course the scientists were quick to remind the populace that this isn't a partisan issue inhofe snowball notwithstanding.

And the sad truth is they're absolutely right. Shitting on science is one of the few things both sides of the aisle can apparently get behind and and here's hoping that pissing on donald trump is another yeah but then you get the russians involved oh you're speaking metaphorically was he i don't think he was well it's definitely legal if i leave it open to interpretation i think so is it okay guess what i want to happen to my pants no no i refuse and in stop reporting the news tonight former state rep and first draft of a portlandia sketch molly white is back in the news this week after calling a reporter a son of a bitch for asking

a question what uh for those who might not remember white is known for saying on her facebook that quote muslims cannot be trusted no matter how peaceful they appear end quote and instituting a rule that visitors to her office had to sign an allegiance to america and now she's known for being so unable to handle a basic question about her own hypocrisy that she turns into the old lady from The Wedding Singer. Also, if you listen to her greatest hits album as often as I do, you might also remember her as the person who called family planning and safe sex, quote, the greatest hoax ever devised against women, end quote. And we all know it's actually the clitoris. women end quote and we all know it's actually the clitoris epic after a forum on countering radical islamic terrorism sponsored by current state rep and patron saint of liver spots kyle biederman a reporter asked what are legislators going to do to combat religious extremists of

other faiths were they going to hold forums about radical christianity or judaism which is a pretty good question. What with the herpetic baby penises and the Dylann Roofs and the whatnot. And the Canadian white people, yeah. What up, Drake? Dance back, motherfucker. Revenge rap, let's hear it. What you got? You've got to let this go.

He just didn't see you. I will not. However, I believe White must have misheard him and thought he said, hey, Molly White, maybe the yeast infection would go away if you stopped shoving the rolls from lobster pot up there. And replied, how dare you say that? How dare you? You son of a bitch. That's a quote. Even though the question wasn't directed to her.

I guess the point is Sean Spicer's only about a week away from stealing that answer from her, so Molly, get in touch with Andrew as soon as you can so you can sue him for stealing your act. And finally tonight, in Six Fetus Under News, we have a follow-up on a recent story about the

proposed law in Texas that would require the remains of all abortions and miscarriages to be buried or cremated. Thanks to Governor Greg Abbott, the Catholic lunatic who introduced the idea, that's a real thing. And you said my tiny crematorium business was a dumb idea. We did a sponsor about it.

Anyway, the proposed rule is being challenged by a lawsuit so it's not official yet damn but it's certainly still a possibility this story is a roller coaster for me yeah so that's why mr abbott has been getting far more than the usual amount of bloody feminine hygiene products sent to his office well it's a protest either that or he's way better at coming up with plausible excuses for that kind of stuff than eli is i found a genie okay i don't want to i am still not buying it so heo box so obviously mandating fetus funerals is stupid and horrible but it has led to this extremely entertaining albeit pretty sure illegal protest which we don't endorse at all no that's why we're going on record right here right now you should not send bloody menstrual pads and tampons to greg abbott's office located at

p.o box 12428 austin texas 711. Even if you're worried they might contain human lives, you should not do that. Seriously. Do not send your used pads and tampons to P.O. Box 12428, Austin, Texas, 78711. It's illegal. You made that very clear. What we're saying is you should punch him instead. I know. No, no, not that either.

However, pretty sure dipping them in red paint and sending along with a strongly worded letter that is not illegal and and by the way if your patreon dollars never accomplish anything else you will always know that they paid for a harvard educated lawyer to parse the precise postal regulations with regards to use tampon mailing i feel good about that you should feel good about and. Andrew has an interesting job. All right. So regardless of what happens with the law in Texas,

it's safe to assume that lots of good Christian people want a tasteful way of honoring the remains of uterine linings that were tragically shed before being born. And even though

we might not agree with that, we're not going to protest their tiny little funerals like the WBC. We're not assholes fact we're here to help because we're classy like that so let's go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock again because we're classy ideas for the menstrual blood epitaph go hard to get more classy than that what do you want on your womb stone got it okay how about here lies uterine chunks. You people are insane. Is that too literal?

Uh, he's a Catholic. So how about the, uh, Tampax Romana? Um, what about here lies Patty? Game over.

Or maybe a musical one. Tamp on, tamp down. They tampered. Ooh, uh, they come in zygote about uh ob died way too young carpe diem and seize the day

here lies flow born in a died in a gashes to splashes and gush to flush okay a little classical literature for you so we beat off off Zygote's against the current, not born, should have tried the acid. I told you we were classy. I told you we were classy. Got Fitzgerald into the menstrual blood epitaph segment. Well done, sir. All right, I got one more.

How about, here lies Jade. Gwyneth Paltrow doesn't get how anything works and with Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina once more acting as the singing fat lady of our headline segment we'll draw this one to a close Heath Eli thanks as always nope and when we come back we'll still

be trying to get our heads around how wacky the goddamn Book of mormon is hey guys i had a great idea for this week's loot crate ad and that makes me afraid so you know how you can be the envy of all your friends get 100 exclusive crates at lootcrate.com slash atheist and enter our code atheist to save $3 off any new subscription? I do know that. And you know how every month they put together like a new crate of epic gear, housewares, and collectibles? It's the best surprise you know is coming, of course. Okay, well this month's pop culture theme is build. And Loot Crate has awesome and exclusive items

from the most put-together franchises. Put-together, I see what you did there. Yeah, I didn't do it, it was in the copy. Anyway, you can experience iconic items from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Batman, that one doesn't fit, Lego Dimensions, and Tetris, including, as always, their monthly T-shirt and pin.

Yeah, I know. I get it. Batman builds a lot of cool toys and stuff for us, you know, for use in his crime fighting. So what's your idea? Okay. Two words. Human Tetris.

Nope. No. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I rented a crane and we get volunteers to get hoisted up and pose like different Tetris pieces. I rented a crane and we get volunteers to get hoisted up and pose like different Tetris pieces. You rented a crane as in past tense? Mm-hmm. And then we drop them against a giant wall and they spin around and try to drop in with the other people to fill up the lines.

Put it on YouTube. Eli, if there wasn't a law against that, I'd be really concerned. Keith could be a T. I could be a square. Well, if anything, I feel like I should be an S s but i think we're getting off track seriously you i i could be an s i couldn't be an s oh and noah could be that line that never shows up when you want it to so you just like end up waiting forever like you just texted heath okay well you shouldn't have made me a t can't we just talk about the epic range of pop culture items for less than $20 a month?

Yeah, or how they can upgrade to Loot Crate DX for even bigger loot. Yeah, but human Tetris. Yeah, I feel like the deal is so good, though, and the theme is so cool that all we're going to have to do is mention that the offer expires on February 19th at 9pm

specific, and everybody's just naturally going to go to lootcrate.com slash atheist and enter our code atheist to save $3 off their new subscription. I already rented the crate. That's lootcrate.com slash atheist. Fine. You guys want to hoist heavy stuff way up in the air and drop it? Already doing it.

Yeah, of course. I want to use a clock after a year spent reading the storyless characterless plotless rambling bullshit of the quran i have to admit that we fall a little out of practice in presenting the storyline of a holy book and despite our efforts last week we fear we may have failed to capture all the twists, turns, and absurdities of the Book of Mormon. So, with the hopes of rectifying that shortcoming, we'd like to present a new segment called Mormon Peace Theater. This week, 1 Nephi chapters 1 through 11. Hello, it is I, Nephi, and I'm totes-magoots an ancient Israelite. I've written down this book in the language of my people, Egyptian.

Go fuck yourself, to tell you my story. This is my father, Lehi. Hi! He was a great prophet, and one day God came to him with a very special message. Lehi, Lehi, it is I, God. I have a vision for you. Oh, Jesus, that's bright. What's the vision? Um, here's a book to read.

The vision is a book to read? Don't question me, I'm God. And it came to pass that it came to pass my father read that book and contained within were words of such wisdom. Wisdom unlike the world had ever seen before. I'm not gonna tell you any of it, but trust me, knuckle fuckers, this wisdom shit was the tits. If she won't share your fries, she won't suck your dick. Gross dad, cut it. And, uh, came to pass, my father

did come to the Jews and tell them his wisdom. Everyone's gonna die! Oh! You suck! I hate you. So, totally unrelated to that, and in no way caused by it, my father received a message from God telling us to go wandering in the desert. And we wandered for three days, the 350 miles to the Red Sea at, like, 15 miles an hour.

Move your ass, knee-high! Jesus, fuck, Dad, just slow down. Crossfit, bitch! Oh, shit, also, I forgot to mention I have brothers. My bad. Their names are Laman. Hi. And Lemuel.

Hi. And Sam. Wait, my name is Sam? Sure is. Joseph ran out of names. It's the first chapter of the book! Yep. And it came to pass, Lemuel and Laman were being real downers about the whole

wander in the desert plan, so my father yelled at them. We don't want to wander in the desert. I will turn this caravan around. Good. We want that. Both of you fuck a whisker. But I, Nephi, I was a good son. And in a vision, God told me that I would be chosen.

You're my favorite, Nephi. Oh, why? Because you're white. Huh? Because... Spoilers! Okay, so I told my brothers, and Sam believed me. Sure.

But Laman and Lemuel did not. Bullshit. And it came to pass, that it came to pass, that while it was coming to pass the next morning, God came to my father with a very important message. Lehi! Lehi! Yes, my lord?

I come to you with a very important message. Is it the reason for our journey, my lord? I come to you with a very important message. Is it the reason for our journey, my lord? Uh, no, it's, uh, it's just... Do you mind going back and getting the Old Testament printed on brass plates? Um, go back? Yeah, yeah, I mean, I didn't forget because I'm God and not a con man in upstate New York. I just, I just, um,

want you to. Okay. Any chance I could just transcribe those bad boys? Bronze plates of like... Like a thousand pages. Yeah, that's gonna be awfully heavy. Too bad. I really want you to get them,

okay? It's super duper important. Really? Just for the Bible? No, it also has like, uh, your dad's name. So more than a thousand pages. Now that you mention it, yeah. Okay, well,

anything else I need while I'm there? Would really like this to be the last trip. Oh, Well, anything else I need while I'm there? Would really like this to be the last trip. Oh, no, nothing else. No, no, no, no. Last trip. And my brothers were greatly displeased. No! Fuck this asshole.

But I was not, for I was the best and most beloved of my father. Oh, go fuck yourself. You. So back to Jerusalem we traveled, and it came to pass that there we learned the brass plates were in the home of Laban, the evil ruler of the city. Wait, we gotta go get an Old Testament Bible.

Yes. Made of brass. Uh, yes. From a guy who wants to kill us. Yes. Not it. Not it. Ah, yes. From a guy who wants to kill us? Yes. Not it. Not it. Not it.

Ah, fuck. So my brother Laman journeyed to the house of Laban, where he asked him for the plates. Laban, please return to me the brass plates of my father, huh? No, no, for I suspect you are trying to rob me, and I hate your father. What? What? Why? Not sure. This book sucks.

Sure does. Why are you doing that weird voice? I don't know. I think I'm based on Harrod or Pontius Pilate, right? And that's your voice for those guys? Okay, get out of here, you scamp. Seriously? Yeah, man. Fuck off. But I was not discouraged. I gathered all the gold and silver left at my house with my brothers and returned to Laban.

Can I buy the plates? Yeah, can we just, can we buy them? No, but I will murder you, you sassy little minxes. Run away! And away we ran. Seriously, Nephi, fuck you. That was the worst plan ever. No, no, no, my brothers, don't you see?

We must get on each other's shoulders so that Laban thinks we're a giant and then gives us the plates. You want to kill him with a stick? Yeah, let's kill him with a stick. No, tis I, an angel. Do not kill your brother with a stick. Fine. And with my brothers learning their lesson, and sure never to try to kill me again, I devised a clever ruse to take the plates from Laban.

Let's sneak into his house and steal them. That's your plan? Yep. Not it. Not it. Fuck! So that night, I snuck into Laban's place, and carefully sneaking past his guards, I came upon Laban drunk.

For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow. Nephi, it is I, God. You must kill Laban. Oh, that's perfect. Done. Fuck, you went right for it, huh? I didn't have to... I am a Mormon. Zing. So I put on Laban's clothes and gathered up the plates. But not before I stumbled upon his servant.

Halt! Who goes there? It is I. Laban. Oh. Uh... Yeah, you totally are Laban. Really? Yeah. That doesn't look like... At all like you're some guy covered in Laban's blood who obviously killed him and will totally kill me if I notice that he's not Laban. So yeah, you look just like Laban.

Exactly. So help me carry these plates. Fuck, is this a thousand pages made of brass? I know, right? Brothers, I have returned. Ah, it's Laban. Laban! Seriously?

I said, I said, brothers, I have returned. Right. Sorry. Good disguise. You guys are fucking idiots. I'm going to murder you. What? Nothing.

Nothing. Let's go back and see dad. The plates. Father, I have returned. Oh, son. I'm so glad to see you. Yeah, me too, me too. Good to see you. You know what you look like you could use?

A walk. What? Yeah, nice little brisk walk. Maybe back to Jerusalem for some wives. You're kidding me. Nope, God just told me like eight minutes ago. Why would you put this in your own book? Meta.

But my brothers were once again rebellious and did not want to return with my father. No fucking way, bro. Seriously, I'm not, no way. Come on, brothers. I am the chosen of God and I command this of you. We must be loyal to our father. Or, quick counter-suggestion, we tie you up in the desert and leave you to die. Wait, what?

I vote for that. Ooh, me too. Seriously? An angel told you guys not to do stuff like this, like, eight minutes ago? You know what? And an angel hasn't had to wipe with sand for two consecutive 350-mile walks. Okay, solid point. And it came to pass that it came to pass.

When it came to pass, oh, it came to pass, my brothers left me in the desert to die. But I prayed to the Lord and was able to escape them. Ta-da! Fuck. Worst. We're good now, right? Yeah, no, sure, sure. Basties.

All right, glad that's never going to happen again. My children have returned. Dad, they tried to kill me again. Snitches get stitches, Nephi. Fine. I've had a magnificent dream that I must tell you before I tell you of it. Nephi, I must tell you that you and your brother Sam will be greatly blessed. Greatly blessed.

Uh-huh. Anybody else in the family gonna be greatly blessed? Nope. Huh. Weird. Well, you get a blessed brother. That's pretty cool. This fucking book. I dreamed of a tree. It was a great white tree, and on it

hung the most beautiful and delicious pure white fruit. From it extended a great, solid iron bar that led all those along it to the tree. Wait, so, like a dick? No, not like a dick. I mean, it sounds like a dick. Sounds like a dick.

It's not, it's not a dick. Anyway, oh, you ruined it. Anyway, in my dream, Nephi and Sam followed the bar and ate the fruit, and yet no matter how much I begged, Laman and Lemuel would not taste the fruit. Wicked and evil and rebellious they were. I'm still right here. Yeah, well, go grab a treatic. It was then that I decided to once again commit myself to God.

And it came to pass that so committed to God was I that I received all the visions my father had and more. For I stood on a mountain with an angel. Nephi, tell me, what do you see? I see a virgin, most beautiful and fair. What? Oh, shit, sorry. That is called Cinemax After Dark. Didn't mean to, uh... No,

well, I mean, you don't, you don't have to change it. And so, too, did I see Jesus Christ, the Son of God, would be the Son of God, and a great journey was yet to come. But, Nephi, there is more, so much more in store for you. Are my brothers gonna try to kill me again? Yeah, man, like a bunch. A lot. Before we cry ourselves to sleep again tonight, I wanted to let our listeners in or around Nashville, Tennessee, know that the Nashville Nuns Convention is right around the corner. Saturday, March 18th.

Their keynote speaker this year is Matt Dillahunty. If you want to learn more about the event, of course, you'll find their website linked on the show notes for this episode. Anyway, that's all the Blast Me we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode

of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday, or subscribe to us on YouTube for bonus nuggets of scatheism throughout the week. Obviously, this wouldn't be a proper outro if I didn't thank Heath Enright for being so damn Heath Enright. I need to thank Lucinda for all the Lucinding, and I need to thank

Eli Bosnick for being the exact right amount of Eli Bosnick. I also want to thank Natalie and Dan from the Science Enthusiast Podcast for their Baby Dick-centric Farnsworth quote, and for their budding support of my Robot Overlord's 2020 campaign. Incidentally, if you need more science or more enthusiasm in your life, you'll find a link to their podcast on the show notes as well. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most humanistic humans, Lachlan, Michael, Andrew, Rachel, Michelle, Tyler, Bailey, Angie, Brinkley, Seth, Stephen, Timothy87, and David. Lachlan, Michael, Andrew, Rachel, and Michelle, whose orgasms could jumpstart the all-spark, Tyler, Bailey, Angie, and Brinkley, who do it so good Nike owes them royalties,

and Seth, Stephen, Timothy87, and David, who can't turn to the East while erect without violating international no-fly zones. Together, these 13 thoroughly thoughtful thorns in the side of theism thwarted the theocrats this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the magnificence and munificence it takes to give us money, but if you think you've got all the M-blank-enses it takes, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but that ceramic pig won't give you back any of your spare change,

you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes. And if you need a little more incentive, nobody who has left us a five-star review on iTunes has ever been killed by a tiger, so it's not like you're not getting something out of the deal here, too. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark. Our theme song was arranged and performed by Morgan Clark with Richard McNulty on guitar. All additional music was written and performed by Morgan Clark and was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at SkatingAtheist.com. Oh, God, please.

The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.