The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 209: Nephi Fo Fum Edition

Episode Date: February 16, 2017

In this week’s episode, Nephi’s brothers will try to kill him half a dozen more times, a porn website teaches Mormons what binders of women should really look like, and Violets turn out not to be blue, which is probably why we call them violets. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Headlines: Stupid Starbucks boycott didn’t work again: http://www.rawstory.com/2017/02/boycottstarbucks-campaigns-dont-hurt-the-bottom-line/ http://www.snopes.com/2017/01/30/starbucks-to-hire-10000-refugees/ Donald Trump removed witchcraft from the White House: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/02/09/pastor-lance-wallnau-donald-trump-removed-the-spirit-of-witchcraft-from-the-white-house/ Dave Daubenmire: "Kids who go to public schools are spiritually raped." http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/02/11/dave-daubenmire-christians-who-send-their-kids-to-public-school-are-allowing-spiritual-rape/ Satan and Barack Obama are leading a rebellion against Trump: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/02/08/rick-wiles-satan-and-barack-obama-are-leading-a-rebellion-against-donald-trump/ Town cancels Valentine's Day dance due to law that forbids dancing near a church: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/02/10/oklahoma-town-cancels-valentines-day-shindig-due-to-ordinance-that-forbids-dancing-near-a-church/ Xhamster sends people in Utah to sex ed because lawmakers reject bill: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/02/10/since-lawmakers-rejected-a-sex-ed-bill-xhamster-is-directing-utah-viewers-to-a-pg-13-sex-ed-series/ This Week in Misogyny: OK law would ban abortion unless the “father” agrees: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/02/14/oklahoma-republican-proposes-legislation-to-ban-abortions-unless-the-father-approves-it/ Orrin Hatch on silencing Elizabeth Warren: “Think of Jeff Sessions’ wife!” http://www.vox.com/identities/2017/2/8/14546960/elizabeth-warren-jeff-sessions-orrin-hatch-think-of-his-wife

Warning, if you're offended by vulgar language, you should stop listening to this podcast. You were warned, motherfuckers. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Lootcrate.com and by our new Donald Trump nickname contest. Today's winning entry is the Un-American Dreamsicle, presumably because he's orange and seems to hate brown people. Tweet us your favorites with the hashtag scathing potus nickname and you could be the next winner and now the scathing atheist

my name's nathan facer from utah valley utah and i'm here to tell you that all the mormon prophets did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. Oh, and their wives, too. It's Thursday. It's February 16th. And the real scandal is why the FBI was looking on my hard drive in the first place. Right? I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, and Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Skating Atheist.

On this week's episode, Nephi's brothers will try to kill him half a dozen more times. A porn website teaches Mormons what binders of women should really look like. And violets turn out not to be blue, which is probably why we call them violets. But first, the diatribe. In the time my wife and I have been married, there have been five leap years, eight blue moons, 13 total eclipses of the sun and four presidents. And that's as of the time of this recording, of course, there'll still be another 16 treasonous hours before anybody hears it. So we might be on to Pence by now. I don't know. But the point is that Lucinda and I celebrated our 20th anniversary on Valentine's Day. And since I had to spend most of that day writing and recording pieces of this episode, the least I could do is spend a few minutes of it talking about how much I love her.

I've mentioned this on the show before, but in case you missed episode three, I should note that her atheism was one of the first things that attracted me to Lucinda. A friend of ours was trying to set us up and manufactured a situation where we'd be alone together watching TV. News ends, suddenly a preacher comes on TV, and within seconds, she's turning it off to the words, well, that's plenty of that shit, and I've loved her ever since. I should say, too, that we're one of those annoying couples, right? I mean, the fact that i'm doing this diatribe is probably all the evidence that you need to know that we're at most one level below wearing matching outfits but we're the couple that finishes each other's sentences and holds hands in crowds and tells our stories in

tandem hell i can't even introduce her on the show without telling you how lovely and talented she is every time and along the way we have managed to really piss off the ultra-Christian folks we know that are twice divorced and working on their third. I mean, our side doesn't even see divorce as immoral, so we're beating them at their game, and we're not even playing. It's like they're racing,

and we're just walking along to the store and winning. I mean, think about how much that undercuts their narrative. For most of our South Georgia friends, we're the only openly atheist people they know. And for about the same percentage, we're also the only couple they know that's been happily married for 20 years. Meanwhile, the preacher's telling them that only the families that pray together are supposed to stay together. They're talking about being equally yoked in the eyes of the Lord. They're saying that Jesus is the secret to maintaining a happy marriage. And also, by the way, they're telling them that atheists are immoral, unhappy, of selfless love just knowing that we exist undercuts at least a

half dozen of their basic precepts and i don't know that this is entirely coincidence here i would argue that atheism is a huge asset to our relationship i mean obviously it helps that when we have a problem neither of us think that you can wish upon a star to fix it rather than talking to one another but beyond that it doesn't upon a star to fix it rather than talking to one another. But beyond that, it doesn't really strain credibility to suggest that there's an advantage to not thinking we're going to have a bonus eternity to right any wrongs we tripped into along the way. Makes us better at loving each other in the moment. I know that someday one of us is only going to be a memory to the other one, and I want to make sure one way or the other, it's a good memory. I mean, of course, I hate to think about my wife dying even more than I hate to think about me dying but both of those things

are definitely going to happen and I don't have any convenient delusional constructs to push those thoughts out of my head and what's more I don't want any you know I obviously don't want to dwell on that type of shit but I also don't want to cordon it off being honest with yourself about mortality is tough but it comes with the added benefit of immediacy you know when i find myself thinking about shit like that i use it as a reminder to surprise lucinda with something nice and forgive her for making me watch the oa and even if you want to discount those advantages both the knowledge that wishing really hard doesn't rectify personal conflicts and the fact that people who believe in mortality have a greater sense of urgency seeming kind of hard things to discount as they relate to a happy relationship

but even if you do you're still left with the fucking i mean i'm sure there are plenty of christian couples that get into whatever kinky shit strikes their fancy but you got to imagine that we're doing better on the average right i mean we don't think there's an old guy lingering above us as we fuck taking notes on how naughty we're being unless we decide that we're into that in which case that's completely cool and we don't have to ask anybody's forgiveness for it look whole books could be written on how religion fucks up fucking in fact whole books have been written on it i highly recommend daryl ray's sex and god as a good primer and while nobody raised in a largely religious culture is completely safe from it it's a hell of a lot easier for the average atheist couple to broach

the subject of butt stuff so better better sex, better intimacy, better communication. Am I missing anything? Oh, yeah. How about the fact that we're not devoting our lives to a book that tells us that she's inferior to me? Also, add to that that we have an at-will relationship, right? I mean, all Christians can get divorced if they're unhappy, but a ton of them labor under the illusion that it's some kind of disgraceful failure. And if you know you can fuck up a lot before your spouse is going to start thinking divorce, odds are probably a lot better that you're going to do some fucking up.

Now, obviously, you got to take all this with a grain of salt. I can't use my marriage and the relationships of a few random redneck Baptists I know to make broad conclusions about the nature of marriage as it relates to religiosity. I'm working for a sample size of one, right? The best bet here is that the true secret to a happy marriage is to marry Lucinda, and that's not exactly actionable for most people, unless I fuck this up. Again, 16 hours before this goes to air

and I spent our 20th anniversary writing dick jokes and annotating the Book of Mormon, so be sure to check our relationship status before you rule anything out. But the point is, the numbers actually do bear this out. Atheist couples are much more likely to report happiness in their marriage. They're much less likely to divorce. They report higher levels of sexual satisfaction, lower levels of

infidelity. Basically, any reasonable metric you could use for marriage favors the atheist. Now, to be fair, there are a ton of other factors that definitely contribute to those numbers. Atheists tend to marry a little later in life, and that by itself could explain all of it. Atheists also tend to have more money and more education so that no doubt factors in as well but the central claim of modern day christianity is that it makes you better at loving other people and if the only argument that they've got left if their only recourse is to say well it's not that you're better at love you're just smarter than us that's not exactly winning the debate they're talking about you jesus joining me for headlines tonight are heretical hecklers heathen right and eli Debate. They're talking about you, Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin.

Joining me for headlines tonight are heretical hecklers Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to tell unreality to suck your dick? Well, I feel like I can make it if I keep working on the plow position. I'm doing the yoga. Wait. Putting in the work. Wait. We aren't allowed to ask people for blowjobs on air.

We are allowed to ask people for blowjobs on air. Make up your mind. We are allowed to ask people for blowjobs on air. Make up your mind. We are allowed. Nope. No. No. What? I learned that.

Raising con. Andrew. And obviously we need to take a second to see if another Trump administration official resigned a disgrace during that intro. So before we get to headlines, we'll take a quick break and tell you about this week's sponsor, Lootcrate.com. Nephi. Nephi.

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and collectibles loot crate has it oh i thought we were headed to the new holy land we can do both be the envy of your friends and get 100 exclusive crates at lootcrate.com slash atheist and enter our code atheist to save $3 off any new subscription. Wait until I tell you about February's crate. It's very put together. Okay, well, I feel like there's no way this makes sense in history. Oh, yeah? Mr. Books and Steel Bows in your vision? Oh, fair point.

Get ready for February's pop culture theme build. Loot Crate has awesome and exclusive items from the most put-together franchises. This February, experience iconic items from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Batman, Lego Dimensions, and Tetris, including, as always, a monthly T-shirt and pin. Go to lootcrate.com slash atheist

and enter the code atheist to save $3 off on any new subscription today. Lootcrate.com. It's of curious workmanship. See, this is why everyone tries to kill you. Stuff like that. It's that behavior. I'm the worst.

And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, from the Syrian kids' temp job file, two days after Donald Trump's attempted Muslim ban executive order, Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz announced that the company plans to hire 10,000 refugees worldwide,

partially for spite, I'm assuming, and partially because he's a decent human being with feelings. Possibly. Well, not surprisingly, neither of those things sat well with Donald Trump fans. And much like the response to Budweiser doing an ad about an immigrant during the Super Bowl, this led to a whole bunch of derp- a whole bunch of people calling for a boycott. So for the eighth time in the last five years, we saw the hashtag boycott Starbucks trending on Twitter. And for what it's worth, and apparently it's more than you think, they nailed the spelling

on Starbucks on that. Yes, they did. Yes, they did. White people now can't have Netflix, Starbucks, Budweiser, and Nordstrom. We're running out of white people stuff. Yeah, right? High fives.

Okay, so regardless of your opinion on the business model of selling coffee for about seven times the price per volume of gasoline and twice the temperature, regardless of your opinions on that, Starbucks has been fairly consistent seven times the price per volume of gasoline. And twice the temperature. Regardless of your opinions on that, Starbucks has been fairly consistent in terms of being progressive-minded on social issues,

especially ones that make Christian people mad, like supporting marriage equality or committing an act of war on Christmas by having red Jew cups in December. Fair words, not ours. Those were my words. Well, good news. It turns out that the market hates the Christian right too.

Love this. Because in almost every example of a boycott, Starbucks saw a rise in stock price over the next month. Same thing with Budweiser since the Super Bowl. Well, no word on Budweiser spelled wrong, but you get the idea. Yeah, Budwisser might be having a terrible quarter. We're not really sure.

And look, I understand why rednecks would drink instant coffee out of a thrice-washed Solo cup or unable to put a dent in Starbucks' bottom line. This isn't a thing you can boycott. When your primary budget items are generic cigarettes and Sam Choice cola, you just don't get to do boycotts. It is not in your wheelhouse. Boycott Doral. All right. They'll crush the market. cola you just don't get to do boycotts it is not in your wheelhouse cut doral all right

they'll crush the market my favorite part about this is a lot of people responded with like well why don't you just hire 10 000 veterans like that and starbucks was like yeah we already started that program three years ago and we're way ahead of schedule we even give them special aprons and everyone was like huh whatever okay that and the people who took pictures of them drinking duncan donuts coffee as like a statement great enjoy your chemical caffeine diarrhea you showed us all right so i like duncan uh but before we wrap up the story, we're hoping to get Christian people to boycott a few other things because apparently it gets everybody else besides them on board. And if you'd like to help out,

please start using hashtags like, for example, boycott Florida, boycott Ohio, and boycott Pennsylvania. And like, I don't know, spread the rumor that they're all turning gay or Muslim.

That seems to help. No go zones. And in witches be crazy news tonight writer pastor and man who is totally sure you can't tell he's wearing a toupee lance wall now appeared on jim backer's show this week opposite backer to let us know that we folks resisting Donald Trump's presidency are only doing so because he kicked the spirit of witchcraft out of the White House. Is that what we're calling black people now? The spirits of witchcraft? That's a new one. Depends on what you mean by now.

Well, just then. Okay. Yes. Sitting opposite backer who was wearing his signature crucifix baseball cap looking like grandpa's last day outside and would appear to be beetlejuice and drag he gave us the full story saying quote the spirit of witchcraft was in the oval office it was about to intensify to a higher level demon principality that's when it gets Viagra, by the way. Or Watergra, depends on which path you're on.

And God came along with a wrecking ball, by which he means Trump. And if you're not thinking the Miley Cyrus song, you aren't the woman I married. I am the woman you married. Back to quote, yeah. And shocked everyone. The church cried out for mercy and bam, God knocked that spirit out. And what you're looking at is the manifestation of an enraged demon through the spirit.

And once you go, which you don't want to switch black people earlier. So, you know what this means? Obviously, the spirit of witchcraft will be looking for work. Typical. I said will be looking for work. Typical. I said will be looking for work. Racist. But, you know, it shouldn't have a hard time finding a job. Previous experience in the Obama, and one can probably guess Clinton, White House.

Maybe it can share a monstrous.com account with Kathy Yates and Edward Snowden. And Harry Potter and Beowulf. Exactly. It would be a cool startup. And in putting the whole back in Holy Spirit news tonight, unemployably theocratic high school football coach, Christian evangelist, and man whose name yields at least two petitions not to hire him on his first Google page, Dave Dobbenmeier.

That's true. It's amazing. I double checked with the safe search off. Anyway, Dave Dobbenmeier rose to right wing watch prominence again this week when he took to the inner waves to rail against the evils of secular education, specifically the ghost rapey parts. In a feces sculpting rant on Pass the Salt Live, Dobbenmeier accused secular education of, in his words, the spiritual raping of children

okay maybe this guy was just advocating religious schooling you know like no half measures i thought he's talking about all those spirits of witchcraft in public schools yours is better very quickly here's the quote the christian education of children is paramount to a culture but what's going on is the raping the spiritual raping of children we have spiritual rape taking place in front of us end quote and all the while he never provides any evidence that getting spiritually raped is worse than getting regular raped i mean because even if we accept his premise we're left weighing the better kind of raped the eli bosnian and i'm spiritual personally okay but here's the thing if you can prevent a rape with the spoiler alert i don't think you get to call it right i feel like that should be a guideline well yeah yeah anyway

he then went on to clarify that the rape in question was the part where they raped the information about gay people being normal into kids' brains. See, I liked how he had to clarify the spiritual rape part, especially like, apparently I need to be clear about that with certain Catholic schools. Spiritual. Got in some trouble. First draft of this video. And in Barack Hussein Obama news tonight. Okay, pop quiz. What does Satan, George Soros, and Barack Obama have in common?

The intro to this bit. Foreigners? Yes. They hate freedom. Yes. Clothing hooves. No clothing hooves. Nope.

Sorry, Noah was right. It's the intro to this bit. But according to Christian conspiracy theorists and microwaved action figure of Joe Biden, Rick Wiles, the answer is they're all trying to overthrow the government. Fun fact, by the way, he always sounds like he's doing an impersonation of Kevin from The Office. Noah, can we play just a quick clip of that? We really need a revolution. office noah can we play just a quick clip of that we really need a revolution i'm convinced if we as a church would have stood up as lord says it all the time against taking bible out of the school just for your enjoyment you'll never be able to hear anything else anyway wiles who repeatedly called for the imprisonment and overthrow of barack obama when

he was president thinks that the recent peaceful protests against trump are a bridge too far saying quote we are witnessing a full-blown marxist slash communist resistance movement a revolution in america end quote i will eat my dick if he can tell me the definition of either of those words well that's it's when the proletariat rise up and elect a black guy who helps them get capitalist medicine right i love that he specified marxist there you know like the true news viewers are gonna be sitting there going wait is he talking about anarcho-communism, Maoism, Trotskyism? You're not making any damn sense. Specify, Rick.

Specificity, Rick. Just a little fucking specificity. I put down my Howard Zinn for this. He continues, quote, the chief banker funding the Purple Revolution, hashtag new nicknames for my penis is billionaire george soros and the chief community organizer directing the insurrection in the streets is none other than barack hussein obama let's let's find out his source together my gut feeling says, Barack Obama is on the phone day and night, and he is directing the protest. He is organizing.

He is giving clear instructions to the people what to do and how to carry it out. End quote. He calls from Jamaica, so I never answer. Some really slow phone calls. Lots of people think you want to seize means of production with violent force. But let me be clear.

I was thinking walking with pink hats. I was about to say, I feel like Barack would do a better job than Madonna. And finally, his last thoughts on this, quote, this is outright sedition. You want to get God worked up? You know what sedition reminds him of? Lucifer. It all goes back to Lucifer because what Lucifer did in heaven was commit sedition. So all acts of sedition are inspired by Lucifer.

End quote. Except for that stuff I said about Obama. Because the love seat is safe and I was on the love seat when I said that. I love you want to get God worked up. I'm taking my belt off. Quality stuff. And with sources like what a fictional fallen angel did in a storybook and Rick's gut,

I think it's only a matter of days until brother fights with brother. Living with dogs. And for more on how the world's falling apart around us and the apocalypse is looming, we'll take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was.

If it's a legitimate race. Cooking can be fun. I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. Last week on this segment, we talked about a despicable law making its way through the Arkansas legislature that would allow men to sue women for aborting their pre-baby. And we focused on the fact that the law even had a provision to protect the rights of rapists because, holy fuck, how could you not focus on that? But in truth, that little Achilles heel is a great thing in a legislation like this. Something that egregiously inhumane gives opponents of the law something pretty solid to hold on to when they're fighting against it. But if there's one thing we've learned about anti-abortion fundies, it's that no amount of losing will dissuade them.

So it should come as no surprise that we're leading off this week talking about another state trying to enact a, but what about the zygotes daddy law? This time it's Oklahoma, who got plum tuckered out drafting so much anti-gay legislation and took some time out to hate women for a change of pace. This is the brainchild of child brain state representative, Justin Humphrey, who proposed House Bill 1441, which would not allow a woman to have an abortion, in his words, without the consent of the father. Never mind that a similar law was struck down by the Supreme Court in 1992.

And never mind that this is pretty much like demanding you get the permission of the guy who sneezed on you before you take that NyQuil. Humphrey is plowing forward with this ill-conceived bullshit despite the fact that it would functionally allow a vindictive ex-boyfriend to stick you with a baby out of vengeance. And if you really want to test the limits of those veins on your forehead, check out his public justification for this law, which included the words, and I quote, I understand women feel like that is their body, end quote. He then went on to explain that the zygote parts don't count and repeatedly referred to women as the host, as those zygotes were a disease or the byproduct of a facehugger, before saying, quote, I'm like, hey, which is how all brilliant thoughts on jurisprudence

and bodily autonomy start, isn't it? Anyway, he says, I'm like, hey, your body is your body and be responsible with it. But after you're irresponsible, then don't claim, well, and I can just go and do this with another body when you're the host and you invited that in, end quote. So yeah, interestingly enough, it turns out that the only reason women ever get abortions is because they're irresponsible, which is code for sluts, I guess. Oh, and did I mention that this representative's day job is pastor? I didn't, probably because I didn't have to. Of course, it's not just the low-level freshman state representative spouting off the sexist for a 1950s game show bullshit. We get that on the federal level as well. Take,

for example, Utah Senator Orrin Hatch. When asked about Mitch McConnell's officially shushing Elizabeth Warren during Foghorn Leghorn's confirmation hearing to be the eternal general, Hatch pointed out that the real victim there was Jeff Sessions' wife, Mrs. Leghorn, who had to deal with the shameful way Coretta Scott King pointed out what a racist her husband was. Seriously, his words were, think of his wife. The point is, from top to bottom, this country is being run by people whose notions of gender equality would have been outdated by the invention of radio. And in case that doesn't depress you enough, I'll close by reminding you that we almost had a lady president. And with that, I'll hand things back over to Noahah heath and eli thank you lucinda and sorry for asking you to record on

valentine's day which is your anniversary your 20th anniversary good run while it lasted okay but to be fair it wasn't valentine's day when you guys got married valentine's they didn't come around until circa 496 yeah no no they picked our anniversary on purpose. This is our 1530th. That's the Muscovium anniversary, I do believe. Those are the little shoes Indians wear. No, no, no, you're thinking of menstrual pads. Anyway, oh, no,

a different kind of Indian, my bad. Anyway, in a related story, a Valentine's Day dance scheduled to take place in the town of Henrietta, Oklahoma, was canceled last week when it was discovered that the town actually has a law in the books that bans dancing within 500 feet of a church because Christianity has to be the bad guy from every movie. I'm excited for them to go full hocus pocus this October.

Rick Perry just demands heart for political reasons. Got my 30 seconds planned out and everything. I'm just saying. I feel like Kevin Bacon and James Spader should just like have a ski race to confuse everyone. Fuck everybody right up. So yeah. Now, to be fair, nobody recalls this law ever being enforced and no churches were demanding the heads of the heathen hip shakers or anything. But the organizers were told that they would technically be in violation of the law

and thus elected to reschedule. A whole bunch of white dudes secretly very happy about this cancellation. But now they have to be like, yay, we're rescheduling. I want that. I want it to dance. And finally tonight,

from the Trapper Keepers of Women file, thanks to a 12 to 2 vote last week, the House Education Committee of Utah Keepers of Women file. Thanks to a 12-2 vote last week, the House Education Committee of Utah will not be allowing students in the state to have their heads filled with crazy hippie sex propaganda like condoms and consensual. That's a fucking real thing they did.

They voted down a bill that would have allowed parents the option, the option of having their kids get a real sex ed class and the state house said absolutely not no okay i mean to be fair i hear knowing is half the battle right so they can still win the other half theoretically consensual perfect and and utah likes to point to its unexpectedly low teen pregnancy rate as evidence that what they're doing is working and they do have its unexpectedly low teen pregnancy rate as evidence that what they're doing is working. And they do have a really low teen pregnancy rate.

But I feel like that's mostly because the people fucking all the teenage girls are too old to be fertile anymore. Side note, not related to anything. Are the real estate prices there low? What is the rental situation? Moving on. And next thing we're going to talk about. So, yeah, just to be clear. I said all. I want to fuck. No. like what is the rental situation moving on and next thing we're going to talk about so yeah just to be clear I said all

I want to fuck a child I don't know how to segue back don't worry that's not making it into the show absolutely not making it into the show so moving on just to be clear I said that all correctly. You know how lots of states give parents

the option of taking their kids out of sex ed class if they want to? Well, Utah just removed the option of letting them in. Sexual ignorance isn't an option in Utah. It's the fucking law. Right. And it's going to stay that way. For example,

here's a rule that's going to stay. Teachers are allowed to mention condoms there, but not in the context of preventing pregnancy or STDs. Whatever the fuck that means. Get cozies? So they can be like, alright kids, apropos

of nothing, condoms! Okay, class dismissed. What the fuck does that mean? Online, Utah is going to continue its ban on the discussion of sex in Condoms. Okay. Class dismissed. What the fuck does that mean? Online, Utah's going to continue its ban on the discussion of sex in sex ed. That's what they're doing. Similar policy to that in science class. Of talking about sex?

No wonder I got kicked out of that school. I am not welcome back. Okay, but here's the best part of the story. In response to Utah's affirmative ignorance didactic system, or AIDS, the porn website XHamster decided to help out. All their traffic from Utah is now being routed to a special front page that says, you people consume the most porn per capita of any state, which is true,

but have some of the lowest levels of sexual education, we are here to change that. Nice. And it has a link to a sex ed tutorial they made called The Box, which is based on questions submitted by porn viewers. So, obviously, we're going to need 30 seconds on the clock. Answers from the Mormon sex ed porn series go answers only oh only the okay i got it how about no trying to kill nephi will not make your penis larger please stop asking us that

okay uh well you could say the clitoris is of curious worksmanship uh well she is making that up um what would that even mean crest of the labia there's just nonsense yes in retrospect a banana would have been easier than a marshmallow square uh answer so glad you asked it means no no kind You can put it that way. It's like an identity. Yeah, there you go. All right. How about, well, in that case, he'd be your father-in-law squared. Let it simmer.

Oh, yeah. Totally fine. God meant vaginal sex. It's true of cheating, too, by the way. All right. How about answer? Two is to one as ten is to five. You cross multiply. So that's five cups.

Five cups. And with a theme for season eight of Sister Wives all gift wrapped like that, I feel like we can wrap up the headlines. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Two girls, one cup. And when we come back, we'll still be talking about Mormons getting fucked, but figuratively this time. So it's come to our attention that on the last episode of a certain podcast that you are definitely allowed to take legal advice from, my good name and reputation were drug through the muck in the form of a slightly mischaracterized Facebook post that

I made several weeks ago. And while we generally try to avoid feuds here on The Scathing Atheist, there are some slights against our character that cannot go unanswered. So without further ado... Podcast Feud Hockey and playing guitar, all activities that don't require feet. Evidence two, in the hundreds of photos on Thomas Smith's Facebook and Twitter, not one of them show his feet. Evidence number three, Thomas Smith recently changed the name of his podcast from Atheistically Speaking to Serious Inquiries Only. Rearranged the letters of his new podcast and what do you get?

Yes, no souls, you queer. Almost. Uh, cis requires oily union. Yes, but that's unrelated. Nonetheless, conclusion, Thomas Smith has no feet. No feet! No feet. There's no shame in having no feet. No feet! There's no shame in having no feet, Thomas. But the question is, why do you feel the need to hide it?

Hide it. So, in the grand tradition of podcast views, we'd like to invite you to harass Thomas on Twitter using the hashtag T and the feet. That's T and the Feet. Or call and ask him to answer the hard-hitting questions at the serious inquiries-only phone number

916-750-4746. That's 916-750-4746. Ask Thomas. Why won't he just admit he doesn't have any feet? Because if you're going to have an atheism feud, we should at least have one with someone we like. Hashtag DMFeed.

As much shit as we give them, the first three holy books we read were largely well-written, though limited through the dated literary styles of their respective eras of course they were nevertheless valuable reads from both a cultural and historical perspective and even the weakest writer we've encountered was still able to occasionally turn a poignant phrase the book of mormon on the other hand is a 19th century david barton yelling into a hat yeah Yeah, so picture David Barton. That's it. I have no problem.

Yeah, would that Muhammad had a hat. And joining us, of course, is my lovely wife of 20 years, Lucinda Lusions. Lucinda, happy anniversary, baby. You too, honey. There's no more romantic way to celebrate two decades of matrimony than reading the Book of Mormon. It is the bullshit anniversary. It is. It's nice that you guys got married in your 40s. more romantic way to celebrate two decades of matrimony than reading the book of mormon it is the bullshit anniversary it is it's nice that you guys got married in your 40s i will stab you in the heart so when we last left our hero nephi he was mid angelic vision on a mountain and we're

gonna pick that up in media russ all right and we start with the angel saying behold thy seed and the seed of thy brethren which if you're taking this from a we start with the angel saying, Behold thy seed and the seed of thy brethren. Which, if you're taking this from a cold start, is the angel holding out a handful of sperm he's been saving for a while. Which, I've been informed, is an inappropriate thing to do at a Super Bowl party. It is? Use a plate. Use utensils.

They have both of those things. Well, so, but actually what we're getting here is a vision of Nephi's children. I mean, I don't know, maybe it's both. Maybe like the sperm piles created a crystal ball that they're looking through. Oh, sure. Now we're giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Dude, we were sharing popcorn. It's a hand food.

Come on. And this whole section, he's describing his seed fighting against the seed of his brethren. And all I kept picturing was Nephi and his brothers playing like Pokemon against each other, except instead of Pokeballs, it's semen morphing into monsters. That's what I was picturing, right? Patreon goal.

Heath, when I share my ideas for video games with you, please don't announce them on the show. Okay, that wasn't really development, and now I have to scrap it. Well, just share them verbally with me next time. That'd be great. I choose you. All right. We have to point out this spectacularly racist closing line. Chapter 12, verse 23, talking about his brother's lineage, which will eventually become the Native Americans. He says, quote, they became a dark and loathsome and filthy people full of idleness and all manner of abominations.

End quote. Oh, Indians. I mean, does it say anything about blocking a perfectly good pipeline? Or ruining Halloween for all those good people at Yale? Making Geraldo Rivera quit. Fucking slowing down Manifest Destiny. There's a lot of things. We should make a video for PragerU.

Damn right. Native Americans are the worst. So his vision moves on to the colonization of America. And again, what is he seeing? Angel showed him a Ken Burns special. Oh, I wish a man who would worship a rock, a little girl who would marry that man and an Indian who would be totally gross. But then he starts describing this abominable church that will rise up. And I know he's shooting for satanic, but he's so describing the Mormon church here. He says,

I beheld this great and abominable church, and I saw gold and silver and silks and scarlets and fine twine linen and all manner of precious clothing. And I saw many harlots. Angel must have

accidentally typed Catholic schoolgirls into Google with the safe search off. Oh, that's... He's clearly describing a Britney Spears video. That's all I was thinking about. In chapter 13, verse 14, it came to pass that he beheld the white man's birth. Even down to quote, and I beheld that they were white and exceedingly fair and beautiful. Nice, manageable penisesises perfect in every way and i want to be very clear about what's going on here right joseph smith is creating a biblical-esque narrative to encourage people to take back

america for the white man right god wanted the land to go to nephi the caucasoid but an evil non-european satanic cult stole it. That is the narrative of this book. Ugh, Noah's going to lecture us about how we can't punch Mormons now. Okay. I'm not sure if having Noah make a list is the best way to explain this policy. How many people can we possibly not be allowed to punch? It's in the billions, actually.

All of them. And this eventually gets around to the angel saying, so don't you worry, Nephi. Eventually, Joseph Smith will come around and fix that shitty religion of the 1800s. Or whoever. I just said, like, Joe Smith off the top of my head. Name doesn't matter.

Some guy with plates that you're not allowed to see, so don't ask. That guy gets the cult. He could have any name. Probably Joe Smith. And then we get verse after verse of how awesome it'll be when humans finally get the Book of Mormon. This book seems to be in a sucking its own dick contest with the Quran. And somehow still everyone loses.

Right? Plow position. And somehow still everyone loses. Right? Plow position. And as we move into the fourth consecutive chapter of Nephi's angelic vision, I want you to recall that he's carving this into brass in hieroglyphs years after the fact. Yeah.

Wondering if he's taking notes or something. I don't know, man. I feel like angelic visions would be like the first time you see boobs. Like I could carve some plates about boobs. You see an angelic vision for the first time and you're like, I didn't angelic visions would be like the first time you see boobs. Like, I could carve some plates about boobs. You see an angelic vision for the first time and you're like, I didn't expect the blue vein ready for that. See, if I was carving the image in my head, it would be the head, shoulders, and

just barely nipples of a lady with like an hourglass icon. And the sound of dial up in the sound bubble. And the anti-Semitism really ramps up here he's explaining how mormons are going to be using the bible but he needs like nine disclaimers about how like yes it came from the mouth of a jew but it's real it's real actually well actually it's another jew writing about the shit that came out of the mouth of that first you but seriously they weren't

lying you should be skeptical of their Jew mouths. That's good. That's good. But I'm telling you, don't worry about it this one time. Jew mouth. He says that so many times. It's like the late night texts I get from David Smalley. And luckily, Joseph Smith starts getting bored with this vision, too.

So he has a quick, and behold, I've got a bunch of other cool shit to show you, but don't write it down. Yeah, he's even like, but don't worry, most of this other stuff will be revealed in some other book with some sort of revelation in it of some sort. Sure, sure. Then a quick, boy, is this shit true ending, and we're back to the narrative with chapter 15. Thank God. This was getting downright Quranic, and I refuse to go back. You're right. Yeah, so after his big vision, Nephi goes back to the tent,

and wouldn't you know it, his brothers are bickering again. Right. And he quickly jumps from explaining that to the brothers to like, and why your generation's got to be all black and evil. Come on. Starts doing the Chris Rock bit. The difference between a black man and a Lamanite. Basically, this whole chapter is Nephi going, I don't see why you fucking idiots don't get this.

I've explained it three times already. Okay, once more, but dumber. You'll be evil black people. We'll be good white people. Can't make it any simpler than that. Hold on. Why are we the blacks? Why can't we pick our own colors?

You're the blacks. So eventually we fall into Joseph Smith having a Q&A with himself about what the fuck he's talking about. And the questions are just increasingly weird and irrelevant. It's like a fact written by Dick Cheney. Is it okay to shoot someone in the face?

Yes. End of fact. I miss him. That's so depressing. We all. Yeah. And nobody seemed to tell Joseph that we switched chapters here either because we start this off with a big and another thing bit

about his brother still being dicks about the whole accursed generations thing yeah and then everybody gets married in the manner of red rover red rover exactly apparently the commandment from god was for them each to marry a daughter of ishmael but the pairings didn't matter so they just like got some so at some point they're like all right, naked twister until reach inside one of you? Right hand green. DVDA, spin again.

That's what we're doing at ReasonCon. When the drugs are gone, you can buy drugs from us at ReasonCon. You can't buy drugs from us at ReasonCon. We will shoot you with a catapult. Come out.

I have no comment on the latter. No asses lines. And I guess now that everybody has somebody to fuck, we can get moving again. So God appears and I'm sorry, he reappears and tells Lehi to get his ass in gear and go back into the wilderness. Right, right.

But first we have to meet the Leahona. This is amazing. The round ball of curious workmanship which is apparently able to point your way, receive texts from God, and locate Ganon when you find the map. You can also throw it at a

Pokemon with full health and still bag that shit. Come on, don't undersell it. It literally says in the book, one hand pointed the direction we needed to go. End of sentence, never to be addressed. They're just walking around the desert. Should we keep going this way? Doubtful.

Should we keep going? Ask again later. Should we keep going? It is decidedlyful. Should we keep going? Ask again later. Should we keep going? It is decidedly so. See? God's plan. See? Also, we cannot overstate the ubiquity of the phrase, and it came to pass in this fucking book. Oh, God.

Verses 11 through 13 of this chapter have 102 words in them, and it came to pass appears four times. in them and it came to pass appears four times. That means that when it's at its worst and it came to pass comprises almost 20% of the words. It feels like a pickup artist read an Amazon review of a book on NLP

and he's like, and it came to pass and it came to pass and it came to pass and it came to pass. So they're out wandering in the wilderness hunting food and Nephi breaks his bow. His steel bow. Steel bow. This is a thing that exists in this book and Skyrim.

Well, I mean, steel bows can exist, but they definitely can't do it thousands of years before steel is invented. And it came to pass there was Nary a dick sporting goods around for me to replace my weapon. And it came to pass that my lightsaber and my plasma cannon also became. Right. So Nephi has to come back to camp empty handed and everybody's all pissed off at him. Name a nice be murmuring. That's where the word lame comes from. Fun fact.

No, it's not. No, it's not. No, it is not. And just to make matters worse, his brother's bows lost their springs. The springs in the bow must have popped out of the bow. Yeah, so Joseph Smith knows

about as much about bows as I do. Apparently he went hunting with like a pogo stick and a slinky. It would have made just as much sense. Lure him with the slink and then hop him with the gink. What? Does that even make sense? Pogo stick and a slinky. That's what that is.

Oh, shit. But eventually, he has the idea of making a bow out of bow material and and that works out much better much better yeah yeah but he makes he makes a bow and one arrow one arrow and also a quiver to hold the arrow so he brings back some food everybody's really sorry for hating God while he was gone and then they get a text from God on the magic compass ball but it doesn't tell you what the text said

it just tells you that it was awesome yeah this is the greatest book in the world tribute God's like you up oh God I hate when people do this. Now it just says, hey. How do you respond to hey from God? And then Ishmael dies and now his daughters are all pissy about that.

Oh, women be mourning. So Laman gets everybody together to try killing Nephi again, plus their dad this time. And at this point, if Lman calls like a huddle, everyone who's not in the huddle, you're getting murdered. They're just going to be like, stop plotting to murder me. Seriously, stop.

You keep doing that. I was in the huddle last time. I don't remember. You were plotting to murder somebody else. I know you're trying to murder me. Different huddle. And then God shows up and tells them to stop killing Nephi all the time.

So they all say they're sorry. That's actually what happens. I wanted God to disappear and for them to immediately try to kill Nephi again. God drives around the block and comes back and there's like a beer truck delivering a keg.

Then in chapter 17 we meet little Nephi Jr. Yeah. Not only did they all have kids, but they had strong kids. The best kids. Huge kids. So strong that they, quote, bore their journey without murmurings, end quote. That's how fucking tough we're supposed to think these kids are. They manned up.

It was great. And I think I know what everyone's thinking here. You're wondering how much teet-at suckling is going on right now. Well, the answer is plenty. He answered that. Plenty of teat suckling. Good writer. Yeah, he doesn't think you want to.

A lot of teat tells. Tells you all of it. So skip ahead eight years, and they come across an awesome place filled with fruit and wild honey and oceanfront property. So they settle in for a little bit, make a home. How many dozen times do you guys think his brothers tried to kill him during those eight years? Right. You guys, I found another anvil of curious workmanship right behind me.

Just fell on this guy. So weird. Me, me, pew! Eight years later. Let's make this cartoon. That would be amazing. But then God shows up and asks Nephi to meet him on a mountain and bring stirrups. He's like, why can't you meet me at sea level, God?

What the fuck is with the mountains? I got to meet you halfway. God's like that friend that always wants to hang out at his place, even though his roommate is very clearly gearing up for a mass shooting when he's not screaming with his fat girlfriend. She's not fat. She's gained a little bit of weight. I wouldn't say planning. Planning is not... Anyway, but it turns out that God wants Nephi to build a boat

so they can sail to America. Then we get a tool-making montage where Nephi sets up a shipyard out of sheepskins and frog vomit. That's so stupid. Frog vomit is the name of my cover band. We're playing this Friday. Please check us out. Who do you cover?

You. Anyway, the boat building thing that he's doing here, it's not as hard as you might think because Nephi already has a good deal of experience with smelting furnaces and steel foundries in 591 B.C. Who the fuck do you think he got the bows? Yeah, he also just tags in this tiny little bit where he says, oh, yeah, also, God made it so we didn't have to cook our food over the last eight years. In case you were curious, how are we making fire?

Ate all the game raw and we liked it. Why? Why not? They had steel. Why not just say they ordered blue apron while you're at it which by the way is so much better than hello fresh people with feet know the difference damn right and then when the brothers see that nephi is building a boat they decide to kill him again again again just layman Just layman and Barack Obama welding a drone, soldering. What are you guys making?

Nothing. Build your boat. Awfully curious workmanship you got going there. Right. Also in verse 41, he says that God attacked Jews with fire dragons. Eli, is that true? Did that happen? Was there fire dragons?

We don't like to talk about it. There's still a bunch of fire dragons on Twitter. Oh, yeah. I'm just picturing Smog at his laptop making extra accounts. Like, RT, don't steal my gold then. So anyway, he bitches at his brothers for a really long time. And then he invokes a magical force field to smite them. Yeah, God grant Sam hand buzzer powers.

Apparently, yeah. And I was so picturing the psychic battle from South Park here, just like pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. I spelled out all of those words in my notes. Well, spelled is a strong word for what you did. Yeah, you literally spelled spelled wrong. You did. S-P-E-L-E-D for those of you who don't know.

Alt spelling. This is my favorite one. Okay, so Nephi gets back to building his boat. And he wants to make it clear here that he didn't build his boat in some normal way. Because Joseph Smith had no fucking idea how boats were made. So he points out that his boat was of curious workmanship yeah like everything sounds like an excuse i'd make if i tried to cook it's not raw it's curious workmanship yeah curious pocket

and then he spends a second telling you how good a job he did on that boat and they gather their shit to set sail oh and in case you were worried lehi hadn't been getting laid regularly neva has two more little brothers named jacob and joseph at this point that was my number one question was lehi getting his dick wet and now i'm picturing two little stewies trying to murder Nephi with baby toys. So they set out on the new boat, but it's been a few paragraphs since God's directly intervened on Nephi's side. So his brothers and their wives

get all rude and hoary again. I feel like the description here was really lacking. Yeah, they just imply hoary. They don't really get, yeah, right. So Nephi tells him to stop and so they tie him up and leave him on the deck which is stupid because they know he has rope breaking powers

he's already done that Nephi is like a very specific mutant you guys need me oh no still Magneto alright let me know when rope man comes around I'll get him. He's just sitting there tied up.

Check your breast pocket. Bullet with your name on it. Boom. Yeah, you do weird stuff when we try to kill you. Did you try to stab me with a black pocket knife or a white pocket knife? A magician will love that joke. A magician is listening. Love that.

Long tail marketing. And then their magic compass gets mad that they tied up Nephi so it shuts down. And then a store comes and sits on top of their boat for the better part of a week. Yeah, they got to charge it, but everyone has a USB-A charger and it needs

micro USB, the whole thing. I have an iPhone charger. Oh my God, we hate you so much. This is why we try to kill you. So finally, the brothers untie him and the compass blinks back on and he prays away the storm. David starts playing with the physics.

He's like touching Nephi with the rope again. It starts raining. He takes it away. It's sunny. It's sunny. It rains. This is so cool. Yeah, and then they get to America and plant their seeds, which all sprout and discover all kind of animals that didn't exist in America back then. Yeah, well, a Lamanite fell in their cage and, you know, what happens. Dicks out for the animals that didn't exist back then. I guess. And then just in case you didn't have enough plates to keep track of here, chapter 19 starts with Nephi making the plates of ore.

Oh, fuck off! To engrave in the record of his people, which, assuming his people are his dad's people, are what was on the goddamn brass plates to begin with. Right? Right? Making copies? Right. Well, considering what's about to happen, I think he's differentiating between his people and you people. You know, it's going to matter in a minute. Just getting those voting districts set ahead of time. That's good.

Those roles. Also, in case you were wondering who to blame the death of Jesus on, it's the Jews. The Jews. I was going to say the Jews. It was. It was. Guilty. So, quick note, just to make sure everybody knows what a pain in the ass this

thing is to read verse 21 of chapter 19 and i quote and he that's god surely did show unto the prophets of old all things concerning them and also he did show unto many concerning us wherefore it must needs be that we know concerning them, for they are written upon the plates of brass. Fucking what? Check out my new podcast, Mormoning Arguments, where we break all of that down.

Alright, you guys ready? We're gonna cue the music. Two, three, four. Breaking down the Mormon. Breaking down the Mormon. We steal all your shit. We steal all your shit we steal all your shit you come for us you come for us president no foot weirdo and then in the next chapter joe goes on muhammad again forgets entirely what he's talking about and And instead of the narrative about Nephi and his brothers,

he just starts yelling at the Jews. Yeah, that's actually his Iroquois nickname, yelling at Jews. Also Mel Gibson's new podcast. Yeah, that's what it turns out. Break it down, the Jews. And then he spins a chapter loosely paraphrasing

a Christian interpretation of Isaiah. Chapter 21 could have just read ETC dot. Right. And then in chapter 22, he suddenly remembers that he was supposed to be Nephi in this book, not God. So in the last chapter, he sort of gets back to the narrative. Okay, so I am so sympathetic to Laman and Lemuel in this book. They are the heroes of this book they're the best like i also want nephi to get taken down a peg i also think wandering in the wilderness for years with pregnant women and babies is a bad thing and then when they

suddenly re-emerge in this part of the book is to ask what the fuck was going on over the last two chapters these guys are my heroes yeah i've been literally rooting for them to murder nephi this whole time i'm rooting for the anvils and the coyote yes kind of weird and again technical point here but imagine how good joseph smith must have been at translating reformed egyptian to know the difference between the hieroglyph for gather and the one for gathereth like we're supposed to believe that Reformed Egyptian was written in pseudo-biblical 17th century English dialect? Apparently.

We sign off with a quick reminder that you'd have to be some kind of hell-bound idiot to doubt the truth of this book. Yeah. Yeah, this chapter basically ends with, No, you are. Right. And with that, we're going to wrap up the Book of Morons for the week. We're going to be cracking open second Nephi in three weeks.

If you're reading along at home, we're going to be breaking down chapters one through ten on that episode. So more adventures of Nephi still to come. Hooray. Not really. Before we slip into something more comfortable tonight, I wanted to thank the many listeners who reached out on social media to wish my wife and I a happy anniversary. I think I'd only mentioned the big two on this episode 11 times. Might as well make it an even dozen. But seriously, that was really sweet of you.

Meant a lot to us anyway. That's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern Time on Monday, as well as a new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting a mere 24 hours later. And if even that's too long to wait, be sure to check us out on the Twitters and the Facebooks

and the YouTubes. Obviously, this would be a sorry excuse for an episode if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for being my first choice for gay valentines if the two of us were gay. I want to thank Eli Bosnick for his repeated offers to be my gay valentine regardless of my sexual orientation. I also need to thank Lucinda Lusions for being directly responsible for all the good parts of my life,

including this show. I also want to thank Nathan for providing this week's appropriately ex-Mormon Farnsworth quote, but most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's best people, Paul L. Boukapit, the skeptic feminist, Raging Rock Ranch, The Wayward Willis, Sophia, Teresa, Michael, Jessica, Brad, Sophie, Helen, Jennifer, and Warren. Paul L. Boukapit,

the skeptic feminist in Raging Rocks Ranch, who are so skillful the Olympics had to start giving out halogen and noble gases. The wayward Willis, Sophia, Teresa, Michael, and Jessica, whose IQs give Khalid digit envy. And Brad, Sophie, Helen, Jennifer, and Warren, whose samurai skills make Beatrix Kiddo look like Beatrix Potter. Together, these 15 foxy, feisty freethinkers facilitated our fight for freedom from the fusty fiat of falsity and faith this week by giving us money.

Not everybody has the daring intellect and unrivaled ninja skills it takes to give us money. But if your bravery, brainpower, and badassery are up for the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you lost all your money betting on the integrity of Trump's cabinet officials, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, sharing the show on social media, or telling a friend about the show. And when you do, make us sound taller and more athletic. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark,

who also wrote and performed all the music used in this episode. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScathingAtheist.com. This week's episode. Get it together. Get it together. I got you. Like you mean it, just for once.

Shake it out. Shake it out. In your goddamn life. I got it. This week's episode. No, start over. That was a fucking good one. I was rolling.

I had momentum. This is all Eli's fault. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.