The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 212: Aladdin a Lad Edition

Episode Date: March 9, 2017

In this week’s episode, Iowa passes a law forcing you to listen to Joel Osteen's show after this one, Disney uses Josh Gad to sell everyone on being gay, and that wacky Joseph Smith will look back into his rock-hat and make up some more Mormonism. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Camp Quest Links: Register for Camp Quest Michigan at: http://michigancampquest.org/ index.php/register/ Find your local Camp Quest at https://campquest.org/ Headlines: Officials confirm mass grave of hundreds of children at nun-run home: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/03/irish-officials-confirm-mass-grave-maybe-holding-remains-of-hundreds-of-children-at-nun-run-home/ and Bill Donohue calls it “fake news” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/06/catholic-leagues-bill-donohue-the-irish-mass-grave-scandal-is-fake-news/ Franklin Graham: Planned Parenthood fundraiser = building nazi death camps: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/02/evangelist-franklin-graham-compares-planned-parenthood-fundraiser-to-building-nazi-death-camp/ Nicaraguan woman dies after being thrown into a fire to rid her of demons: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/01/nicaraguan-woman-dies-after-being-thrown-in-a-fire-to-rid-her-body-of-demons/ OK Rep made Muslim students answer wife-beating questionnaire before he’d meet with them: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/05/oklahoma-rep-made-muslim-students-answer-do-you-beat-your-wife-before-hed-meet-with-them/ Christian groups lose shit over same sex kiss in Disney cartoon: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/02/christian-parenting-group-freaks-out-over-same-sex-kiss-in-disney-cartoon/ movie banned in Alabama theater http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/03/tale-as-old-as-time-beauty-and-the-beast-too-gay-for-alabama-drive-in-2/ This Week in Misogyny: TX Lawmakers: Doctors should be able to lie to women if truth would lead to abortion http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/03/texas-lawmakers-think-doctors-should-be-able-to-lie-to-women-if-the-truth-could-lead-to-an-abortion/ Ohio GOP legislators resist law against marital rape: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2017/02/ohio-republicans-refuse-outlaw-marital-rape/

Warning, the following podcast contains commentary on religion and honesty, so it should go without saying that it also contains explicit language. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Lootcrate.com, BlueApron.com, and by our new Steve Bannon Physical Description Contest. Lots of great entries, but today's winner by a nose of first blood vessels is at Sensibly Secular, who had Star of Jabba the Hutt Cuck Porn. Well played at Sensibly Secular.

Keep tweeting us your favorites using the hashtag Scathing Bannon nickname, and you could be the next winner. And now, Skating Atheist. Hello everyone, this is Galen from Chicago, reminding you all that You could be the next winner. And now, Skating Atheist. Hello, everyone. This is Galen from Chicago, reminding you all that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men.

It's Thursday. It's March 9th. And if you can't afford this podcast, just don't buy a new iPhone. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Iowa passes a law forcing you to listen to Joel Osteen's podcast after this one. Disney uses Josh Gad to sell everyone on being gay.

That should do it. And that wacky Joseph Smith will look back into his rock hat and make up some more Mormonism. But first, the diatribe. One of the worst jobs I ever had, like top 10 worst anyway was a job i took doing random telephone surveys that seems okay right helping companies collect scientific data so they can improve their customer experience there's nobility in that isn't there well there's not it was a ridiculous face raping of the data collection process because, yes, we adhered to all the rules that make a survey scientifically valid. But the design of the surveys themselves made them worse than useless.

They were all clearly designed to manipulate answers and manufacture imaginary consensus. Let me give you an example. Right. One of the main clients for this company was one of the big auto companies. So they had this perpetual survey that worked like this. First, the computer picks a car that fits in with the respondent's demographic. Minivan for middle-aged women, sports car for young men, sedan for old folks. Yes, ageist, sexist, whatever. Then you qualify the respondent by making sure that they've heard of all the cars in that minivan's class or whatever, right? And these people don't have to have driven them or ridden in one or even seen one in a picture. They just had to have heard of the name of it before. So once you assure that they've heard of all the

relevant minivans, you ask like 80 questions. You say, which of the following minivans is the best value for the money? And which of these minivans has the best safety features? And for each question, you give them five choices, the car that this company makes and the four competitors that are considered to be in its class. Now, if you know anything at all about numbers and counting, you'll see what's going on here. The people you're talking to have no fucking clue which minivan has the better resale value or crash test rating. They're just randomly picking an answer. But since there are 80 questions and only five answers, this company's minivan is going to rate highest on about 16 of them, right? So once the useless survey wraps up, they can drop a line into their advertising that says an

independent survey ranked their minivan highest in value for the money and safety features of any vehicle in its class. And technically the FCC can't call bullshit. They were taking an inevitable statistical anomaly from unqualified respondents and using that instead of the widely available impartial statistics based on sound methodology. And they were willing to pay millions of dollars a year to manufacture those data, no doubt because that was cheaper than actually making a vehicle with the best safety features and the best value for the money. Of course, as much as I'd like to say that it was that realization that I was engaged in such a corrupt endeavor that caused me to quit in

an indignant rage, but it was more the low pay and the mind-numbing boredom that tempted me away. And I can't say I took a lot of tangible benefits away from that job, but I certainly gained a healthy skepticism for motivated statistics. I mean, look, these numbers didn't exist to clarify the truth. They existed to obfuscate it. They already knew which minivan had the most airbags and the fastest braking time, and they paid to put data out there that made that harder for the average person to determine. When you really think about it, it is pernicious as fuck. It's a subversion of the scientific method by using all the trappings of science and playing by all the rules of science but ignoring the point of science. It's anti-knowledge.

And maybe it's something about seeing that process so up close and personal that made me hyper aware of it. This would have been about 20 years ago. And at that time in my life, I was way into a lot of types of woo. This would have been the peak of my hippie, Wiccan conspiracy theorist, Illuminati are behind it. All vitamins can cure cancer. There's a car that runs on water phase in my life. And as you might imagine, at this point, I was consuming a lot of anti-knowledge because as fucked up as my conclusions were i was still a skeptic i was just a really crappy one right but but i i mean i still demanded evidence i just didn't know what evidence was and if you want evidence bad enough and you don't know how to evaluate it you're gonna find it so i'd find some bullshit study from

rupert sheldrake proving that dogs can psychically intuit when their masters are about to come home. And I'd cling to that shit. I wouldn't look at it very closely. Of course, I wouldn't critically examine the design of the experiment the way I would if the studies showed that dogs weren't psychic. But I'd file it along with a grossly perverted understanding of mirror neurons and quantum coupling. And then through some dizzying series of shin bones connected to the jawbone leaps of logic, I'd string everything together as proof the Rothschilds were suppressing the truth about astral projection. But after I saw

firsthand how easy it was to make scientific data say whatever the fuck you want them to say, I had no internally defensible choice but to re-examine the shit I was basing my worldview on. And when you so much as wipe a layer of dust off like the Zener card tests or the Gansfeld experiments

they reveal themselves to be thinly veiled motivated bullshit pretty quick and the thing is it's really easy to see motivated reasoning in the other guy you know it's the giant green thing in your teeth of logical fallacies and the big uphill battle we face as atheists and skeptics isn't so much that the evidence isn't there or that it isn't available it's that most people have no fucking clue how to evaluate it and again real easy to see when it's sticking out of some other dude's teeth. Look, when most people enter the skeptical or atheist movement for the first time, they usually do so with gusto. They're usually really pissed about all the people that lied to him and all the great knowledge that they've been missing out on. And naturally,

a lot of these people are eager to share their newfound revelations with the world. And as important as that is, it's not as important as checking your teeth in the mirror. We can't assume ourselves immune to bullshit just because we figure out there's no omnipotent sky Santa. And the more you assume that, the wronger you're likely to be. Our first obligation as critical thinkers is to think critically. And if you're the product of an American education, there's a pretty good chance nobody ever taught you how to do that. Look, I'm no expert in thinking, but I can tell you that if you don't find yourself changing your mind very often, you're probably doing it wrong. So go out there with the intent of proving yourself wrong and keep trying until you succeed. Just the value

in realizing your own fallibility should be enough to justify it. But if that's not enough to motivate you, consider how much better you'll be at empathizing with all those poor christians that ask you why there are still monkeys joining me for headlines tonight are the lucy and ethel of atheism heath enright and eli bosnick fellas the bullshit's coming down the conveyor belt pretty quick at this point what are you gonna do um uh outsourced to southeast asia yeah yeah not for that though for other stuff other unmentioned tpp stuff stuff that andrew has come in and extracted from the record well clearly there's plenty to wipe up this week but before we get to all the depressing stuff we'll pause for a quick word from this week's sponsor, Loot Crate. Hey, welcome to Generic Comic Book Shop.

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No, I think I'm good. He doesn't deserve it. We're going gonna harass you with our twitters all 85 of them i figured you might about ethics and comic books and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight and what's being dubbed outrage escalation the catholic church tried once more to find the boundary of evil at which the world would universally turn against them this week. After the surprising revelation that no amount of child rape

would do the trick, they said, okay, what about just piles of dead babies, y'all? Like, just mounds of children killed through neglect while in our care. Please tell us this is enough. We do not want to rape those puppies on Facebook Live any more than you want us to. Right. So, like, the opposite of us.

Yeah, they should really be paying right so like the opposite of us oh yeah they they should really be paying taxes absolutely instead of us i just don't know weird envelope so yeah i'm talking of course about the confirmation we got last week that yes the stories about those mass children graves behind the catholic nunnery in ireland were just as bad as the initial report suggested yeah we didn't want to go too crazy with the mass grave reporting. Maybe there were only like 100 neglected kids with two heads each. It's better to be safer. Or this could be, you know, radical Darwinists.

I mean, we've been sneaking fossils into stuff for centuries. That's like our thing. It's true. Oh, which reminds me, Heath, we need to finish burying those angels we made last week. We are going to ruin someone's week in a couple hundred years. Fantastic. Slow payoff.

Now, we started reporting on this story back in 2014 when rumors surfaced that as many as 800 children died in the care of these nuns between 1925 and 1961, and then they were dumped unceremoniously in a septic tank with no public record kept of their deaths. Ceremony would have been nice. At the time, the best the Vatican could do in terms of an excuse was, come on.

There was what? Like there was 18 dead bodies in there at the most. I mean, how many dead babies? Babies die now and again. Well, no. As it turns out, an independent commission just confirmed that, yeah, it was 800. That's 22

a year. If you're losing minimum a kid every other week, you got to rethink the business model. Yeah, what's going wrong? Give Andrew a call. I feel like next year we're going to find the same thing behind the White House, just full of cabinet people. Ben Carson in there, but alive.

Oh, my Lord. I feel like we're going to get a call from Andrew saying like, hey, why did you guys give Andy Wilson my number? Other disturbing findings of the commission include the fact that the septic tank they piled the remains in was never used for storing waste. Now, they kind of glaze over that in the report. But think about this for storing waste. Now, they kind of glaze over that in the report, but think about this for a second. This means at some point the nuns said, you know, we're going to need somewhere to put all these dead babies.

We can't just... They had a septic tank installed for the express purpose of hiding baby corpses. Some 1920s Irish contractor going to work every day thinking, man, you wouldn't think these nuns would shit so much. They got a perfectly good one over there. And one more question, brother.

How many babies would you say fit in here? Like 800, darling. Oh, good, good. Wait, wait. You mean like fat ones? No, definitely not. Okay, yeah, like 800. Great.

Like the opposite of fat. That's the problem. Wow. Now, at the time of this writing, there hasn't been an official response from the Vatican to this report, so I guess they're still sticking by their previous statement, which suggested this is way too old to worry about now. 1961?

Shit, probably everybody involved in that is dead and gone, huh? I mean, how many nuns could possibly live into their early 70s right oh the past just a bunch of nuns living with a quote unquote pig farmer in venezuela camp guard huh just a little irish baby shows up starts killing them with slow moving coins i would watch of course the indisputable scientific evidence referenced in this report was hotly disputed by president of the catholic league and dr honeydew after a careless radioactivity experiment bill donahue he points out that the commission report never actually uses the word mass graves they just say significant quantities of human remains so yeah you know lots of dead humans in the same hole that's all they're talking i don't know why the

hell everybody's jumping to mass graves all of a sudden anyway donahue issued a statement asking people not to lose sight of the true victims in this story about human remains the catholic church that put them there okay i hate to be a broken record, but are we sure nobody has tried to unzip Bill Donahue to see if he's a burlap sack filled with bugs? We are not sure about that. No. Patreon gold. There we go.

Unzip Bill Donahue. 2,700. Exactly. And in imaginary mass graves news tonight, Christian evangelist and man who looks like he's always trying to move something with his brain, Franklin Graham, had some choice words about Planned Parenthood once again this week, comparing raising funds for the organization to raising funds for Nazi death camps. Oh, I want to see that telethon. camps. Oh, I want to see that telethon. Now, at the 500 Deutschmark level, you get autographed

Mein Kampf ist your Kampf, picture plus tote bag, and we send you the ashes of 12 Jews to fill it with, except for with a German accent, it would probably be. It would still be Jerry Lewis, but he'd be dressed like a clown. He brushes a fly off a Nazi's face, and once a month, you'll get a letter from your

Nazi telling you how he's doing. It's great to have all these people defending me on Twitter. Yeah, I for one did not know the Nazis gave that many pap smears. Schmears, maybe, but smears? No, yeah, exactly.

Anyways, in his Facebook post, Graham said the following quote planned parenthood is the number one abortion provider in the united states which is wrong still god but i'm sure they appreciate the publicity uh raising funds for this organization is like raising money to fund a nazi death camp like auschwitz except for innocent babies in their mother's wounds okay and i just want to point out if you aren't picturing fetuses and tiny striped uniforms breaking rock you are audiences we know and love i'm picturing lots of little model train sets but okay all right i feel like we should apply the principle of charity here though right maybe this isn't so much an anti-abortion sexist fundy thing as an anti-semitic

thing right i mean he could just be saying that jews are just undifferentiated cells i i'm just saying there's more than one way to read this i i wish people would stop bringing that up it breaks my heart or penis or lungs he continues reports say they perform over 300 000 abortions per year uh hold on those are inflated numbers and lots of those fetuses were gypsies and we did way better in the electoral college you should speak at universities i should be president i do he goes on and this is the organization whose employees were caught on video trying to sell baby body parts over wine disgusting end quote and aside from the baby part living i do have to agree any meeting over wine is super bougie take someone out for fondue you're the number one baby killer in the united states get Get fancy. Come on, Great Barren Hood. Affects a lot from you.

And in Who's Nexorcist news tonight, a 25-year-old Nicaraguan woman died this week after she was thrown into a fire in an attempt to drive demons from her body. Have you heard about this? Have you seen this? Yeah. And now, comedy. How fiery

was it? It was so fiery. It was so fiery, my ex How fiery was it? It was so fiery. It was so fiery, my ex-wife was in there taking a nap. Sorry, now comedy. Now. You're damn right. According to the victim's husband, in answer 3,845,567 to What's the Harm, she was taken inside a church last week when members thought she was possessed after allegedly

trying to attack people with a machete, which obviously brings up several questions. How does one tell a demonic from a normal machete attack? Oh, they hold the machete sideways, gangster style. Okay, good to know.

Also, where do people keep getting machetes? I'm asking for a friend etsy i mean i for one am suspicious of any thought process that even could be formulated as she's attacking people with his machete quick get her into this room full of people with their eyes closed yeah and bowing bowing. Yeah, exactly. Heads offered up. Yeah. Prosecutors have said that evangelical pastor Juan Gregorio Rocha Romero and four other people have been arrested. However, Romero denied wrongdoing, telling the newspaper La Prensa that the woman fell into the fire without anyone pushing her and a demon exited her body. Wait a minute. Which kind of discredits the first thing yeah right i didn't steal the cookies from the cookie jar a ghost did a ghost that can be driven

out of someone's body by burning them to death what are we talking about and i guess since we've already reached the murdering women with religion portion of the headlines we might as well take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun.

Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Misogyny. Ah, Texas, you never let me down. For fuck's sake, she even kind of rhymed with sexist. So yeah, the misogyny, Texas Google alert hit me up again this week when lawmakers in the Lone Star State advanced Senate Bill 25, which would allow doctors to not tell pregnant patients if something is wrong with their unborn child.

Why, you might ask, but probably don't need to. Because the moment we ladies find out there's something wrong with our prospective kid, we squash it like a spider. That's right. These motherfuckers are worried about the incredibly rare cases of abortion due to pre-existing medical condition. And their solution is to trick women into carrying babies. And keep in mind that in many of these cases, a fetus with medical problems will be born dead. So that could only mean that this is really about, you guessed it, controlling women's bodies.

Because God knows what would happen if we had a hold of them. Speaking of controlling women's bodies, everything I ever say on this segment, I guess, but especially this next story where Ohio Republicans refuse to endorse legislation that closes a loophole making non-forceful spousal rape illegal.

And I'm talking about a now thing, by the way, not a 1936 thing. The vote was held last week. I guess no drugging and raping your husband or wife is just a bridge too far because Republicans only care about people getting raped if it's in the bathroom by a trans woman, remember? And if you're thinking this is some weird only in Ohio type thing, I hate to tell you that Ohio is one of 13 states that has exemptions for this type of spousal rape. Compare this to the eight states that have legalized

recreational marijuana, and it really gives you a glimpse of the priorities in this country. So say for the knowledge I'm eight thirteenthths more likely to be able to slip Noah a roofie than smoke a joint with him, I'll turn things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in senseless census news tonight, Oklahoma Representative John Bennett jumped the rhetorical shark last week when he literally asked Muslim constituents when they stopped beating their wives. No, really. I'm serious.

In yet more evidence that the left just doesn't need the fake news as bad as the right. The Republican representative apparently refused to meet with Muslim students until they filled out a form that literally asked if they beat their wives in accordance with Muslim teachings. OK, but the Bible also says you can beat your wife so the real question right is was the correct answer yes exactly i really hope somebody answered like no i'm assimilated i beat my wife in accordance with christian teachers yeah right come to america get in here you now honestly this questionnaire reads like a bad skit okay included in the nine part form where the following questions and keep in mind this is being administered to high school students that wanted to go see their congressman quote according to accepted islamic sources muhammad

at age 49 married a six-year-old girl and then he has sex with her when he was 52 and she was only nine is that really true end quote what do you think that was like a try to get your thumb in my fist he deleted the rest of my notes well that's because it's clearly a but really it should say try to get your fist around my thumb. Oh, God. And of course, the one getting the bulk of the press, quote, the Quran, the Sunnah of Muhammad and Sharia law of all schools says the husband can beat his wife. Do you beat your wife? End quote. Well, does he?

I mean, I feel like a double skeptic. There's some things you don't talk about. Anyway, now, now look, some people have expressed skepticism on the extent to which we should support republican-led anti-muslim bigotry most notably heath uh well okay but i feel like it was optimism tomato tomato okay look granted all the stuff he's saying about the quran and muhammad is correct yeah but i mean and asking 15 year olds if they beat their wives is a little weird but this is oklah, so it's not unheard of. Here's my thing, though.

I'm all about equality. I would be just fine with this if the dude also had a questionnaire for Christians asking about smashing baby heads against rocks and stoning gay people. Yeah, absolutely. Even better. Or we just put all the religious people in jail. Equally. Gohmert was right.

Gohmert was right. J-Helm. equally go what was right go what was right jay hum and in preach the controversy news tonight in the only example of where debate does and does not belong that atheists can seem to understand a new bill in iowa filed in the house this week would require public school teachers who bring up evolution, global warming, the origins of life, or human cloning to, quote, include opposing points of view or beliefs relating to the instruction, end quote. How's that going to work? Like, okay, well, there absolutely is global warming class.

However, that was a snowball in the face that I see. I just pegged you in the face with a snowball believe what you will yeah so yeah if anyone class brings up the 1996 movie multiplicity the teacher is now required to point out that some people think three of those michael keatons were soulless monsters now for the record, by the way, I looked over it. The proposed bill does not include the word non-sarcastically. Okay, I'm going to check with Andrew, but I'm pretty sure that's an out for any Iowa school teachers who are listening in. So as long as all the Iowa school teachers are avid scathing atheist listeners, this bill shouldn't be a problem.

Just a teacher reading some creationist points while doing a jerk-off motion. Yeah, right. Just a teacher reading some creationist points while doing a jerk-off motion. Now, of course, the reason why this is absurd is fairly obvious. Yes, there is a controversy about evolution, global warming, the origins of life, and apparently human cloning. But not among the people who study those subjects. And controversy among people who don't study the subject matter in question doesn't magically open those ideas up for debate. All right. All right.

Either you're wrong or I just imagine Twitter and I think Twitter is real. I'm pretty sure Twitter is real. Just in case. Could you stop imagining Twitter? Yeah. Okay, class. So, Dr. King, he was saying black people are also people.

But don't decide yet. Don't decide yet. First, we've got a speech from Richard Spencer as well. Great. Now that all the sunlight has killed the bad ideas, wait, what's happening? Put your arms down. Yeah. As I have said in the past,

actor Terrence Howard invented his own kind of math, humbly called teriology, based on the fact that one times one, in fact, equals two. Two? And there are people stupid enough to believe him, so unless Iowa lawmakers are going to start staging debates between math teachers and

roadie from Iron Man, I'm going to call bullshit. And finally, tonight in first, they came for another dude news. Christian people are panicking thanks to the recent homosexual propaganda campaign by the Disney company. Oh, the booty that won't quit on Prince Philip from Sleeping Beauty. panicking thanks to the recent homosexual propaganda campaign by the disney company oh the booty that won't quit on prince philip from sleeping beauty yeah so apparently they're not focusing on world domination by white people as much over disney and instead shifting their focus toward world domination by gay people gay Gay white people, though. I mean, realistically, yeah. According to the terrified Christians,

Disney depicted the existence of gay people on multiple occasions and then they... That's the whole thing. They showed gay people existing, like, twice. And before you get too excited, know the sexual tension between Jiminy Cricket

and Geppetto was not finally caught. It was different gay people yeah if you'd like your jiminy cricket and geppetto fucking t-shirt you can't have it it was a gift for noah's birthday i don't want to say i'm obsessed but i mean think about i would take years to talk him into crawling up there i know but think about what he could do once you managed it. Amazing. The first example of the gay propaganda thing was spotted by the homophobic Christian group One Million Moms

and their director Monica Cole who Eli has an enormous crush on. Gah! Don't tell! Did she say anything? Tell me? I'll tell you later. Anyway, anyway miss cole sent out an email last week that warned god-fearing parents about a cartoon called star versus the forces of evil apparently a recent episode showed same-sex couples kissing each other and i guess they wouldn't be able to

have hetero procreation sex afterwards. That's the problem with this cartoon. Nothing screams healthy sexual psychology like obsessing over the morality of off-screen intimacy between cartoon characters, huh? Really? I don't think I would throw the judgment net that wide. Some people just have active imaginations

and really like the Animaniacs. There's no reason to be judgy, Noah. Dude, it's not that you imagine Buttons fucking Mindy,acs. There's no reason to be judgy, Noah. Dude, it's not that you imagine buttons fucking Mindy, Eli. It's that you condemn them afterwards. I can't believe you don't see a difference here. Yeah, we're not doing this again. We're just not having this conversation with you.

I just want, it's about intellectual honesty. All right, well, now moving on to phase two of disney's plan to make everyone gay in their upcoming live action version of beauty and the beast they decided for a crazy twist so you remember how the dashingly handsome bad guy gaston has a doting french manservant named LeFou. Well, they took a giant leap and decided that LeFou might be attracted to men. No, a French guy? Crazy. French manservant attracted to men. Yeah, so this, of course, caused the earth to shatter around Carol Laney of Alabama, who owns a drive-in movie theater there.

And that's why she's famously she didn't she did an interview with the times about this she's boycotting the movie and refusing to show it at her establishment hopefully she won't go out of business and be forced to open up a betamax rental store works out for her yeah she's got so mad she threw down her tang and paged her family doctor from a payphone with a door on it. When the hell is it in Alabama? Drive-in theater? Okay, well, she won't show Beauty and the Beast, but she'll show the Buddhist propaganda film that is a dog's life.

I call bullshit. Their website, by the way, is the best. It screams my nephew is great with computers. It's really great. All right. Well, let's Christian people figure out an app to blur out gay movie characters like FBI informants. It looks like Disney is going to turn everyone gay. And we'd like to help with that.

Let's put 30 seconds on the clock. Ideas for super gay remakes of Disney movies to help with the genocide of all the Christians. Go. Fuck, I came so unprepared. I didn't realize we were going for super gay remakes. I just have regular gay remakes. I hope that'll be okay.

We'll amp it up. A Hummer and Fun Damn Nations. Frozen 2. Ass Pirates of the Caribbean. That's too obvious. A Bugger's Life. I was thinking Spread Men, Tell No Tales. Ass Pirates of the Caribbean? That's too obvious. A Bugger's Life. I was thinking Spread Men, Tell No Tales.

How about Rectum Ralph? Something for Andy Wilson. Boy Story. Weenie and Frank? Fuck Tales the Movie. Pleasure of the Lost Hamster. Tinder Fella. Jum of the lost hamster. Ooh. Tinderfella. Jumbo.

Sweeping duty. About human centipede Peter Pan. Aladdin, Aladdin, Aladdin, Aladdin, Aladdin. Centipede. And now that we've given you a good Jafar and aladdin and lago and abu and genie visual image to close on i guess we can wrap the headlines eat the life thanks as always jumanji and when we come back nephi will be all like bitch i ain't done talking yet

hi welcome to genericic Fast Food Restaurant. Why don't you know any better? Oh, wow. It is so much dirtier in here than I was expecting. I know, right? We serve food. Yeah, look, I'm hungry. I don't have a lot of time, and I'm looking for an affordable option.

So, can you... So, you ordered Blue Apron? No. What's Blue Apron? option so can you so you ordered blue apron no what's blue apron it's the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country they deliver fresh pre-portioned ingredients to your home for less than ten dollars a meal oh oh that sounds great um anyway let me let me check out the menu though oh yeah you can check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash scathing. You'll love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue

Apron. So don't wait. No, no, no. No, I meant the menu here. Your menu. Oh, okay. Sure. We have nine $13 cheeseburgers the size of a toddler's closed fist

and a chicken sandwich, which is only legally chicken. Great. Blue apron, a better way to cook. Do you want to get crazy fat? Step ahead of you. you when we last left the book of mormon nephi and his treacherous brothers had made it to america and everyone was on pins and needles that god was going to send them back across the atlantic for something he forgot and while we wrapped up first nephi as the title suggests we didn't wrap up nephi so now we're done with the plates of chromium.

I guess we can move on to the plates of manganese. Yeah. They knew a lot about chemistry back, whatever. Nephi had like arrows made of weaponized plutonium. Oh, yeah. No. Great. Now we have to pretend Hitchens didn't support the war between the Lamanites and the Nephites.

And of course, if we're going to make dick jokes about a holy book, right, we're going to need the help of semi-professional holy book dick joke crafter Lucinda Lusions. Lucinda, welcome back. It's about time, too. It turns out that section of Monster.com has pretty slim pickings. It doesn't. It's literally just Lucinda and Slim Pickens, the musician. She's not the pilot. So after one chapter, the Book of Mormon seemed to promise a little more in the way of narrative than we got out of the quran and i guess we've been spoiled by that illusion for long enough so

uh ready to disabuse us with the opening of second nephi lucinda well basically we start off with the last time on book of nephi bit where dad's reprimanding the older brothers for all the shit that happened in the last book that we were yeah yeah and in case you forgot, what happened was Israelites traveling across the Atlantic in 588 BC. Right, the story of Noah's arc reactor in the Bible. And at this point, he just gives up on pretending to be Nephi and switches into speaking as Lehi for three chapters. Something like that, yeah. three chapters something like that yeah yeah lehigh does articulate trump's immigration policy in uh verse six though where he promises that none shall come to america save they shall be brought by the hand of the lord yeah divine merit-based immigration okay well the divine

part is stupid i get that but i feel like merit-based whatever blank that's usually a good system right like less white dudes is what i'm saying we're the worst i mean let's be honest like we're doing the raping it's us that's what's doing hey stop reading off my agenda for reason come what why'd you write it down you're terrible at planning this you need to talk to heath he's the planner and it's worth noting that this book assumes this to be like the first time humans ever reached America. Like there weren't any. You would get a more accurate view of human history from the Hitchhiker's Guide series. And more entertaining and better written.

Yeah, well, certainly not. Honestly, if you told me Utah is actually an experiment by intelligent mouse aliens, it would actually explain a lot. This whole chapter is Lehi shaking down his kids for protection money, too. Those are some mighty nice generations you got there. Be a shame if a sword was visited upon them. And there's also a lot of, and please stop trying to kill your brother. But it's not going to help. It's like the teacher bringing up the nerd to the front of the class.

He's special and unique. Don't beat him up. We're going to beat him up and murder him. I will put the ReasonCon agenda away if you do not stop it. Why is it out? I don't understand anything that's out. I was reviewing. Shit.

And since one chapter of prolonged and labored deathbed monologue is never enough, Lehi keeps dying really, really slowly in chapter two. Right. And it's still Lehi, by the way. Nephi as Lehi. E-I-E-I-O. And is it just me or is this chapter like obviously only there because he forgot about Jacob when he had Lehi listing all his sons earlier? Very clearly.

He wraps up the chapter and he's about to move on. But one of his lackeys says, man, weird that Lehi didn't say nothing to that litter fella that was born in the last chapter. Oh, my gosh. Totally. And then I mean, he. We. Sad. It's like mom reminding drunk Irish dad.

He actually has five sons during his big speech at dinner. Aren't you missing someone? And Brendan. Brian, shut up, Colleen and Brian. I love Brian too. You are. Five. I knew.

And if you ever feel like you're carrying around two or three extra brain cells, go ahead and read chapter 2, verse 13, where Lehi offers up his bizarre, if there be no righteousness, there be no happiness apologetic. He proves God exists in the same way that TV geniuses solve riddles. Fish. Fish tank. Tank girl. Might as well take the square root of the hypotenuse in the middle of the time. So stupid. And just when you're thinking, fuck, Lehigh, die already, we get to chapter three where

Lehigh monologues on his deathbed some more, this time to his youngest son, Joseph. I love, too, the way he so blatantly spends a few verses just musing about how awesome people named Joseph are. Now, if you haven't read the book you think i'm kidding you have to think i'm kidding you have to think joseph smith could possibly get away with that and create the country's fourth biggest church but he did yeah this entire chapter is just a bad bible version of the kid closest to the slide picking the race to the slide. And anyone named Joseph, sure, let's go with Joseph.

Except the kid keeps forgetting what year he's lying about. So it's like, race to the inclined plane. Race to this slanty area of rocks that I know about. Yeah, and at one point

he's talking about how awesome he'll be, and he says he'll be like Moses, who wouldn't have existed yet. Shit. Also, they'll be in Moses, and he'll be like Joseph Smith, but, you know, way earlier. And it could not more clearly be self-serving bullshit. Okay, in verse 12 of chapter 3, he's trying to say, like, and the Bible and the Book of Mormon will be equals,

but since the Bible wouldn't have existed yet, he has to say, and the bible and the book of mormon will be equals but since the bible wouldn't have existed yet he has to say and the book that they'll write over there that a bunch of people will base churches on eventually that book when it exists will be tied with joseph's book and adults believe this shit today you know how how Jewish people are us? How we're always inventing new stuff? It's like that. You can tell how many hat-yelling rewrites he went through just like, fuck, no Bible? Okay, if

someone ever writes anything at all that people like, okay, a book, no books, oh, fuck. The whole chapter's like that, too. He says, and one day I'll make Moses, and I'll give him ten commandments. And another day, I'll make another Moses, but one who speaks better and isn't a Jew. And he'll write this book you're reading, which will be just as important as the stuff the other Moses did.

What? King James, Book of Mormon, activate! Form of Jews, but better. What is Natalie Portman? She's kind of stupid smart, yeah. Oh, you're so wrong. Say what you want about the Old Testament, the New Testament, and the Koran, but even those motherfuckers didn't have the stones to prophesize about how awesome

they would be. Well, and then in chapter 4, the old curmudgeon finally dies, but not before monologuing ever fucking more. Die already. And just when you're thinking somebody talked Joseph out of trying to make and it came to pass work, it shows up again

in verse 8. And when it does, it's like, oh, yeah. And then Lehi had to talk to all of Ishmael's kids and Laman and Lamuel's kids. And let's see, who else can he talk to? How about chair number two and egg snake? Goodbye, room. Listen to this shit. We rarely quote this book because it's so fucking boring.

But listen to this quote. And he spake unto them, saying, Behold, my sons sons and daughters who are the sons and daughters of my second son behold i leave unto you the same blessing which i left unto the sons and daughters of laymen wherefore thou shalt not utterly be destroyed but in the end thy seed shall be blessed. This just screams fucking word count. He's like a Republican at a town hall. Now I'd like to pray to Jesus, and now the Holy Spirit, now the Holy Spirit. It's like he's filibustering his own execution.

It came to pass that I'd like to go for a walk. I'd be happy fooling anyone. But eventually he runs out of named characters to babble at, so he dies finally yeah so yeah so then nephi takes back over the nereus and i love that he feels the need to say here and the stuff in my other plates is way wiser than the stuff in these ones by the way these are by far my least wise plates okay and i haven't played chess in forever fuck you so like somehow nobody's played chess since they were fucking fetus you played recently fuck off well and then we get this weird and

increasingly dark reflection from nephi that starts off saying my heart soars with god over the mountains and then very quickly turns to why do i want to strangle people with my bare hands so much? It just takes a very psychotic turn, right? All of a sudden, right there. Out of nowhere. That was weird as fuck from like a poor man's ecclesiastes to the notebooks from Seven. Right?

This also actually couldn't be more clearly written during weepy guilt masturbation. So, credit where credit's due. It's hard to write like that. Weepy guilt masturbation. So credit where credit's due. It's hard to write like that. Weepy guilt masturbation is the name of my Rush cover band playing this Thursday. Come check us out.

You guys are doing the score for Hats Off to Botswana, right? Yeah, we are. And eventually the stream of consciousness ends in an estuary of rambling pleas for forgiveness before Joseph Smith finally admits he can't remember what he's talking about and then pauses for a smoke break. So many of these chapters are just like, and then yada, yada, yada.

I gotta go. I've been holding this in. Yeah. And then in chapter five, we finally end that bullshit aggression and more or less get back to the main narrative. For a second. I was thinking next week's Mormon Peace Theater

was just going to be me reading this shit out loud and funny voices right now you read carl and here's the progression okay lehi spends four chapters dying nephi spends two verses whining about it and then bam his brothers are trying to kill him again of course they are joe smith his brothers must have read this and been like okay well now it's stupid if we don't kill him. This is actually very interesting. We're going to kill him still. And then there's another great remembering what he's talking about mid-dictation moment in verse 4.

He's right in the middle of transcribing this big screed Laman gives about Nephi. And then he realizes Nephi, the author of this book, probably wouldn't have been there when they were plotting his death. Yes, yes. So he has to backtrack just a little bit to figure out what's going on. He literally says that, not that I was there, mind you, but, you know, they probably said that. Whatever, the details don't matter. It was like, stab you. I don't remember what it was, but that was the idea.

Yeah. But, but suffice to say, God warns him because he's so stupid. He still needs to be warned at this point. So Nephi takes his family and, and anyone will go with him and flees into the wilderness. To be fair,

this is a step up from his previous plans of continuing to hang around people who try to murder him constantly. I'm just a compliment sandwich there. You're learning. He's like, what? Nah, Laman and Lemuel? No, no, no, it's cool. I was being a bitch. Like a neck dart flies right past. Yeah, okay, camping.

It's going to trip. And they settled in a town called Nephi. Joseph really could not be bothered to come up with more names. he literally tossed out four at the beginning and hasn't really tried no no he's like nephi maroney layman lehigh fuck it fuck it everybody else is called carl we're calling this place eli we're the elites this book your dentist's name is krentis no it's dentist it's worse than that even it's just dentist also

nephi makes a bunch of swords now joseph felt the need to explain how he would know how to do that but all he gives us is and since i still had laban's sword i just copied it you know like like how i can build a new car since i have one in the driveway. You didn't even let me try. And it seems like if you work with a, whatever, magical 3D Xerox, you'd make copies of the smartphone compass eight ball thing. If you're doing that, yeah. Maybe they were saving up for healthcare. Right. You're allowed to do that now.

I guess so, yeah. Looks like it. Right. And then Nephi teaches his people how to do that now i guess so yeah looks like it right and then nephi teaches his people how to do all things which he apparently knows how to do somehow and then he built a town a temple a zoo and a roller coaster and his people did prosper greatly in the land lived happily ever after also if you actually think of this as nephi writing it is downright trumpian because he's constantly saying shit like, and I caused my people to be industrious. And because of me, we were good at farming and we all have these great dicks, the best dicks. And lo, my dick began to murmur against me. Nephi getting murdered by his dick.

And then like a penis angel with wings flies in stop it stop but then he gets killed by his two brother penis angels waiting to happen yeah and of course you knew this was coming this is where layman and his people get so evil that they turn into black people oh god yeah second nephi chapter 5 verse 21 that's probably all you have to say to Chase to start shirts off your porch, by the way. Remember that. Hi, guys. 2 Nephi 5, verse 21. Where are you going?

Rate it. Where are you going? Or just put on some blackface. Way ahead of you. I thought maybe you were. Also, it says they became idle people full of mischief. Probably why Native Americans were so famous for their prank wars. And we end the chapter with almost literally yada yada yada.

A lot of that. As usual, yeah. And then all of a sudden, Jacob takes over and starts recounting the Bible in reverse. Oh, this is so fucking stupid. Okay, follow me here. Jacob is telling his people that Jesus will eventually show up, but on the way, he first predicts the prophecies of Isaiah. So he goes to these people and says, someday someone in Israel will predict the thing that I'm also now predicting, except way vaguer. And then the thing we both predicted will come true.

Why the fuck would you appeal to the authority of Isaiah? Oh, the weird half-lying of this book is so adorable. He did not think this through at all. It's like a time traveler decided to leave the almanac there and bring some horoscopes instead. You're an idiot.

Why would you do that? And Jacob makes it really clear that Jews are overrated. Gentiles. That's where it's at, people. Right. So people have been complaining about Hollywood being too political since 1805. I'm just saying it's not a new thing. Okay, whatever.

Moonlight was the better movie. I feel like you're being super racist about this. I don't want to watch movies about people that aren't me. And I will give him credit for at least getting pretty brutal at the end of this chapter he's got the enemies of Jesus like licking the dust off the feet of the good guys and by the end of it God's feeding them their own flesh and getting them drunk with their own blood

yeah took a fucking turn doesn't it and you should be blessed unlike these assholes who will devour themselves and swill their own juices Jesus Joe have a Snickers. I made you eat your power. I'm a divine leader, like Cartman.

And after that blissfully short chapter, we move on to chapter seven, where Jacob continues to talk about the same thing, and you wonder why we even fucking switch chapters to begin with. What does chapter mean to Joseph? I think it was just every time it got stuffy in the hat. I can't breathe. And is it just me or does he say absolutely nothing in this chapter?

There's no point in it at all. And this is like fourth level word count fluff. It's Joe Smith making up a book by Nephi who's telling us what Jacob said. And Jacob's just reading directly from Isaiah. The people he made up are making shit up about people who are block quoting from a different book. What? Well, there is something about how everybody's going to be real sorry when they found out his dad really is a millionaire quarterback fighter pilot robot commander. Who lives in Canada.

Yeah. Wouldn't know him. And then we get to chapter eight where Jacob continues to crib from Isaiah. In fact, it's so bad that the official introduction gives up on any hint of paraphrasing. And it just says Jacob continues to read from Isaiah. That's all we got. Yep. read from Isaiah.

That's all we got. And what can you say about this chapter other than sometimes students put really long quotes in there to make the word count. Ibid, the chapter. Oh, have you guys not read the Annals of the Kings of Judah? You're going to be lost. I will now recite them. And now in Esperanto.

And now in C++. Is that it? Just C. What existed? Whatever it was. Well, and then in chapter 9, Jacob, you know, continues to read. I just picture Russell Dalrymple, you know, you read

in the book? He reads? Well, we hadn't discussed the reading. What if something happens to Jacob while he's reading? No! Nothing! Nothing happens to Nephi. Also he's reading no nothing nothing happens to nephi also just a timing thing here but he's very clearly telling people before jesus was born that if they don't believe in jesus they'll go to hell it just seems a little unfair right it does however based on my extensive arguments with catholic children when was a child, just to be clear.

Oh, okay. Thank you for clearing that up. During that time, I learned about a good part of hell called the bosom of Abraham. I don't know if you guys have heard of it. And the good ancient people, they get to, like, motorboat a Jewish guy and be comforted until Jesus finally gets all the health inspections on heaven finished. That's how it works. Now it makes sense. But I think it's saying here

that you get immunity if you never heard the rules. Isn't that what it says? I feel like we should stop reading. Me too. Me too. Hey. Done.

So now it can do it. There's also a healthy dose of what you're spending that money on, huh? Nintendo Switch, yeah? And I'm just saying, church would probably use that for orphans and stuff, but whatever. No, I get it. New Zelda adventure.

Yeah. You want to afford healthcare, just give up all that milk and honey you're drinking. Okay, well, I stopped reading so I can go to heaven, but it sounds like they're talking about Romney care, right? And then the narrator gets tired and takes a nap or something. He does.

That's literally how it ends. We're still going to get another chapter of Jacob's bullshit diatribe. But he needs to take a nap. This is writing be right back midway through an email. It came to pass that Jacob did say snore, snore snore snore snore 30 pages later fart noise what i'm awake start again again say what you will but there are no verses of the quran that ended with i'm sorry that hummus is wrecking my stomach can we pick up in surah 95 yeah so then jacob shows back up for chapter 10 and talks about how them damn jews are going to

be asking for it someday yeah but luckily for the jews one day they'll redeem themselves by uh not being jews yeah exactly they'll become christians mormons even he also lets some jesus slip here and mentions that he does in fact know the name Christ. It's adorable. When I was eating the, I mean, when the cupcakes will be in Jeff sessions. And the next chapter in my autobiography is about that time. I never met a Russian guy.

This page is blank next chapter. And then even Joseph Smith gets bored with the Jacob narration, so he opens up chapter 11 by saying, you know, I had a bunch more shit for Jacob here, but fuck it. Who wants to hear me try to paraphrase Isaiah some more? Again, listen

to this fucking quote. Quote, Jacob spake many more things to my people at that time. Nevertheless, only these things have I caused to be written. For the things which I have written suffice me. End quote. There's fucking, eh, I'm done. It came to pass that it was five o'clock somewhere

and I'm running out of ink. Chisels. What's ink? There was ink? I know what ink is, but I've been chiseling. Chisels. What's ink? There was ink? I know what ink is, but I've been chiseling. Chisels. So he tells us why he

loves reading about apocalypses so much and promises a full slate of more Isaiah bullshit in the next chapter. He might as well say, and wait until you get a load of this next chapter. Brimming with Isaiah in this next chapter. But wait, we shall, as that's going to bring us to the end of this next chapter. Brimming with Isaiah, this next chapter. But wait, we shall, as that's going to bring us to the end of this week's reading.

So while we question the promise that this book was going to have a narrative, we'll put the Book of Mormon down for a couple weeks. We'll be diving back into 2 Nephi in three weeks on episode 215 with chapters 12 through 24. But between now and then, we just keep saying somewhere in here, we're going to get submarines. That's really not enough. I need more than that. Multiple wooden submarines. Nuclear wooden submarines.

Before we roll the gate down tonight, I want to give a quick shout out to our friends at Camp Quest Michigan. I know we've got a ton of listeners in the Midwest. Kind of hard to find a summer camp for your kids that isn't going to have them sacrificing macaroni pictures to the Archangel Gabriel or something. Anyway, they've still got a few slots open for this year. They've got early bird pricing. If you register before May, it's a great program that I really believe in.

We'll have links to their website on the show notes. And if you're nowhere near Michigan, probably worth checking to see if there's a Camp Quest in your area as well. Anyway, that's all the Blast Me we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode

of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday. And if that's too the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday. And if that's too long to wait, you can also like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter to maximize your us. Obviously, this show would ring hollow if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for not saying you're out of your fucking mind when I suggested maybe making dick jokes about the Bible for a living. I need to thank Lucinda Lusions for not saying I'm out of your fucking nuptials when I suggested the same thing. And I need to thank Eli Bosnick for not saying I'm going to fuck you in your mind ever since I asked him to stop saying that. I also want to thank them and all the listeners that reach out to make sure I had an awesome birthday this week.

Despite what you may have heard from Eli, I'm 41. And despite what you may have heard from Lucinda, it still works just fine. I'm just tired sometimes. I'm just tired. Oh, yeah. I also need to thank Galen of the Chicago Galens for the Farnsworth quote this week. He sent it in in August of last year. So sorry about the long delay in using it, bro. Getting my inbox cleaned out. Found a shit ton of old Farnsworth quotes, so if you've been waiting half a year

or so for us to use yours, still might happen. Who knew? But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most orgasmic organisms. Karen Andrus, John Brendan, Bob Martevias, my girlfriend, never knows best, Stephen, Bill the Bloody, Roger Bryant, David Pumpkins Spice, Liberal, and Will. Karen Andrus, John Brendan, and Bob, Mark, TV is my girlfriend, never knows best, Steven, Bill the Bloody, Roger, Brian, David, Pumpkin Spice, Liberal, and Will. Karen, Andrus, John, Brendan, and Bob, whose permission General Motors is seeking to advertise Cadillac as the Karen, Andrus, John, Brendan, and Bob's genitals of automobiles. Mark, TV is my girlfriend, never knows best,

Steven and Bill the Bloody, whose kung fu is so ferocious Donnie Yen just got demoted to it boy. And Roger, Brian, David, Pumpkin Spice, Liberal, and Will who fuck with an impact level normally reserved for creating fresh asteroids. Together, these 15 men, women, sex partner substitutes, nihilistic epistemological statements, barbarian warriors, and seasonally flavored political preferences have banded together to kick plenty of ass without ever having to adopt their ultimate collective form this week by giving us money.

Not everybody has the unique blend of 11 herbs and spices it takes to give us money, but if you think your finger licking good enough, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but your money's all tied up in ransom, Eli officially denies involvement.

Also, you can leave us a five-star review on iTunes or something already. That'd be nice of you. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote and performed all the music used in this episode. If you have questions, comments, or death threats,

you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skinningadeus.com. It's one more time. Sorry. It was hurting. It was hurting that whole time. Such a tease. It really hurt. Get it together.

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