The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 213: Hat Trick Edition

Episode Date: March 16, 2017

In this week’s episode, Ben Carson, Carl the Pugapegacorn, and Ray Comfort help us act out the Book of Mormon, Nike hopes to allow Muslim women to be oppressed in a nice breathable mesh, and Dave Daubenmire will find god in the ass of a skunk. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Guest Links: If you’d like to check out “‘It’s Not About the Sex’ My Ass: Confessions of an Ex-Mormon Ex-Polygamist Ex-Wife”, you can find it here: https://www.amazon.com/Its-Not-About-Sex-Ex-Polygamist-ebook/dp/B008Q4D6E4 Headlines: Final ruling says 10 Commandment monument at PA school has to get moved: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/02/21/after-a-long-legal-fight-a-pa-school-will-remove-a-christian-monument-and-pay-a-huge-penalty/ http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/gordon-klingenschmitt-atheists-need-more-exposure-to-the-ten-commandments-to-free-them-from-their-demonic-influence/ GOP Rep: Jesus says poor people don’t want healthcare: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2017/03/gop-congressman-jesus-says-poor-people-dont-want-health-care/ Dave Daubenmire disproves evolution: only god could make a skunk’s fart stink: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/10/religious-right-activist-evolution-is-a-hoax-because-only-god-could-make-a-skunks-farts-stink/ Christian bus driver teaches 7 year old how to hate her lesbian moms: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/08/christian-school-bus-driver-lovingly-teaches-seven-year-old-to-hate-his-two-moms/ Survey: Only people who think white evangelicals have it rough are white evangelicals: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/10/white-evangelicals-are-the-only-people-who-think-white-evangelicals-have-it-rough/ Wiles: Child murdering satanic cabal is leading coup against Trump: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/rick-wiles-a-satanic-child-murdering-cabal-is-leading-a-coup-against-president-trump/ Nike to launch sports hijab for Muslim women athletes: http://religionnews.com/2017/03/07/nike-to-launch-pro-hijab-for-muslim-women-athletes/ This Week in Misogyny: Illinois rep doesn’t think men should have to pay for prenatal care: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/09/illinois-rep-john-shimkus-says-men-shouldnt-pay-for-prenatal-care/ Pastor calls for god to kill all the justices that would uphold Roe: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/lou-engle-calls-for-god-to-take-out-judges-who-uphold-abortion-rights/

Warning, the following podcast contains explicit language, illicit ideas, implicit bias, complicit co-hosts, and solicits for stamps. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com, Loot Crate, and by our ongoing Steve Bannon Physical Description Contest. Today's winner is at Caleb underscore L1, who had unkempt neck beard with a five o'clock human. Please keep tweeting us your favorites using the hashtag scathing Bannon nickname, and you could be our next winner. And now, the Scathing Atheist. This is Joanne Hanks, author of the bestseller, well, pretty damn good seller, It's Not About the Sex, My Ass, Confessions of an Ex-Mormon, Ex-P bestseller, well, pretty damn good seller, It's Not About the Sex, My Ass, Confessions of an Ex-Mormon, Ex-Polygamist, Ex-Wife. It's my snarky memoir

of my seven years in a Mormon polygamist cult. Find it on Amazon.com while you ponder the enduring truth that we, in fact, did evolve from filthy polygamist monkey men. It's Thursday. It's March 16th. And my microwave has seen some shit you wouldn't believe. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Henright.

I'm from New York, New York. It's Secret Lair, Pennsylvania. This is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Ben Carson, Carl the Pug of Pegacorn, and Ray Comfort help us act out the Book of Mormon. Nike hopes to allow Muslim women to be oppressed in a nice, breathable mesh. And Dave Dubbenmeier will find God in the ass

of a skunk. But first, the diatribe, I had to spend a second reflecting on the number at the top of the page. This is our 213th episode. That means that for 213 weeks in a row, I've sat in front of my laptop and said, you know what else pisses me off about religion? And in the four years and counting that I've been doing that shit, I still haven't run out of what else is. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm sure I've gotten a bit more repetitive over that time. You know, I find myself reiterating old points when new analogies here and there. And more than once, I've written an entire diatribe just to realize that fuck i told that story 100 episodes

ago didn't i i mean you run the tape forward far enough and eventually i'm bound to be leading the show off bitching about how many candles they use or something you know do you have any idea how many wooden cutting boards could have been coated with that wax why are you pro salmonella religion but i'm not there yet i I can't tell you how much deeper the bag goes, but I still seem to have no trouble finding new what-elses every time I reach in. So for the 213th week in a row, though many of these times it was just implied, I say again, you know what else pisses me off about religion? They take up more than their fair share of hats. All right, hear me out. I've been saying this since diatribe number one.

I am significantly more uncomfortable with your religion if everybody's wearing the same hat. Granted, that is not a universal rule. It's much closer to one if you think of a burqa as a giant hat that goes all the way down to your feet like the dudes from Agent USA. But still, not universal. That being said, pretty good heuristic. If all you guys or gals all have the same shit on your head, you're taking religion way too seriously. But it's not just that matching headpieces are a good barometer for zealotry, right? There are a lot of religions and there are only so many hats. Your Gentile ass can't wear a yarmulke just because you think it looks cool.

Miters might have come back into style at some point if it weren't for the Catholics. We don't know. Fezzes are out as are recreational tournaments, not to mention kippas, duquettos, galeros, dastars, cornets, to fill-ins, hijabs, joe bobs, wimples, and mohair berets. Religious factualism keeps going another couple centuries and the secular world is going to be down to nothing but aviators, caps, and hooker dunes. And look, hats are a symbol of authority in this country. When I was a kid, it wasn't really a job unless it had its own hat. Cop, firefighter, nurse, construction worker, pilot, soldier, chef, astronaut. Those plus what your parents did. That's all the jobs. And my dad was a cop. But religious groups co-op the hell out of this by

having all this fancy headgear that acts as insignias of office. Right. And it's all silly looking as fuck, but it still creates an air of authority around the individual, unfairly equating jobs like bishop with important professions like cowboy or court jester and how the hell is a kid being raised in that world supposed to know that orthodox jew isn't a job now i'll admit most of this might fall into the wax on the cutting boards category of complaint but there's also something serious behind this ask yourself what the point of the hat is it doesn't matter if we're talking about a turban or a hijab here what purpose does it serve i'm sure if i ask the people wearing them they'll tell me about modesty but they'll do it way too proudly for me to take them seriously might tell me that god doesn't like if we're talking about a turban or a hijab here. What purpose does it serve? I'm sure if I asked the people wearing them, they'll tell me about modesty, but they'll do it way too proudly for me to take them seriously. Might tell me that God doesn't like looking at the top of their head, too, but I don't even think they expect me to take that shit seriously.

He's omnipotent, guys. He could have put heaven like over to the side. You could just look at you when you spin past the horizon or fuck, just swap places with Satan. Get a better look at all them circumcised dicks from there anyway. Of course, I wouldn't have to ask him why God wants them all wearing the same shit. Because the answer is pretty obvious. It's all about in-grouping. It's all about telling the world, I belong to this group and my inclusion in this group defines me.

It's all about setting oneself and one's community apart from the community around them in such a way as to be un-fucking-mistakable. It's the fashion equivalent of always telling you about the time that they bought Steve Martin a beer. It's an unmistakable badge of ignorance that serves as an omnipresent reminder that humanity is hard at work fashioning ever more reasons to hate each other. Look, we're not having a problem with that. When it comes to racism and bigotry and partisan discord, we don't need help. We have enough trouble getting along between the groups that our enculturation already created for us. We have thousand year long brutal rivalries between genetically indistinguishable groups over an imaginary line that used to be elsewhere back in 1167. For fuck's sake, we have tempestuous discord.

Anytime somebody expresses a Mac PC preference, do we really need another arbitrary difference to kill each other over? I mean, I'm not going to insult your intelligence by telling you all religions are the same. They're not, but they're all equally useless. I consider the exponential stupidity of religious violence. Two groups of people disagreeing on how to be wrong, right, are killing each other over it. I mean, it would be stupid to kill one another over the Mac PC preference, but at least that's not completely arbitrary. At least it's based on something, but not so with religious outgrouping. The rules to get in the club are that you have to be in the club and everybody has to fucking know it. The first rule of faith club is that you do talk about faith club.

And yes, cross necklaces, Jesus shirts, and the slightly more subtle look what religion I am accoutrements also piss me off. But the hat thing is especially conspicuous, so it gets its very own diatribe and i should point out by the way that this is not a call to assimilate this is a call to stop being fucking religious i don't care if people from region of the world acts all wear the same hat that's just cultural preference and the more of that we can get into the mix the better but when you start taking dibs on other people wearing your hats you're getting fucking ridiculous. You know, look, I have the occasional shit boy. I wish I had a turban religion type of hair day. But if I want to wear a turban, I shouldn't be saying anything.

But hey, my head looks like a mummy. And if I have the urge to, I should be able to wear one with Mickey Mouse ears and a helicopter on top without making any statement other than I am a man child. You don't deserve your own hat religion. Go fight crime or put out fires or explore the universe if you want your own hat you should have to do something to earn it they're talking about joining me for headlines tonight are two alternative fact checkers heathenwright and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to tap that with an extra P? Is that your way of telling us you filled out the survey?

And yes, either way. Call forward. Podcast.study. Call forward again. All right. Well, we've got a whole range of wiretapping to do, but before we get to that, we'll take a second to tell you about a brand new sponsor this week,

Stamps.com. Hey, Eli. What are you doing are you doing dude oh just gearing up got a long trip ahead of me oh yeah uh what kind of trip uh trip to the post office got my granola bars downloaded every episode of hardcore history got my packable chair and my bear mace. Dude, it's not that... Ah, sweet Noah. By the time I return, you'll be long gone. Help yourself to the point in my room. I want you to have it.

Um, I think you're being, like, a little, uh, a little weird about this. Ah, sweet Heath. There. I shall carry this with me always. We may not not meet again know that you will always be close to my heart dude why not just use stamps.com what's what's that what's stamps.com it's like having the post office right at your desk you can buy and print official u.s postage for any letter or package from your own computer and printer yeah yeah no and i use it to send letters arrange pickup uh even mail out merch for the show

you do absolutely but here's the best part if you go to stamps.com right now and type in our offer code you'll save big just go to stamps.com before you do anything else click on the microphone at the top of the home page and type in scathing for a free four-week trial, including postage and a digital scale. That's stamps.com and enter scathing. Ah, that sounds way better than what I was going to do. Yeah, yeah. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again.

Is that a flare? It's not. Not a flare. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, we have some good news and we have some bad news. The bad news is there's something terribly wrong with the Pennsylvania public school system. Lots of other ones. Pennsylvania, definitely.

As evidence, I'd mention, for example, there are 20 electoral votes going to Donald Trump in Pennsylvania. It's called that Exhibit A. I don't think we need a B, but just for fun, I'm going to add one more. We live near a sign that says, this is exactly what it says,

it says, Notary, comma, Rock Salt. That's it. That's literally rock salt. That's it. That's literally the sign. That's somebody's business model. I got this bag of salt, and I got this rubber stamp. Bingo. Notary slash salt guy.

Notary in the summer, salt guy in the winter. Making America great again. If only there was some way I could prove to the courts that I have something for wild deer to lick. This guy has had to have heard that more than once. I like it. It's specific marketing. You got your salt. You got your rubber stamp.

Get her done. By the way, as an aside, I know that you don't give wild deer rock salt. It's just impossible to Google uses for rock salt without just getting buried in naturalgreenmommy.com bullshit. So I had to half-ass that one. All right. So now the good news. green mommy.com bullshit. So I had to half-ass that one. All right. So, uh, now the good news,

our atheist lawsuit scam finally paid off in new Kensington, Pennsylvania. Hell yeah. That's right. After years in court, the FFRF managed to get an official ruling that requires Valley high school to get rid of the 10 commandments monument they've had next to the building since 1957. addition the school's insurance company has to pay for the atheist lawyer bills which

will actually use to buy underpants and then make profit for satan oh yeah yeah and they would have gotten away with it too if it weren't for that pesky First Amendment. At this point, everyone's thinking, okay, great. But is there a failed Christian right politician who's half human, half swine, that might have an opinion about this? I was wondering that. I figured you were. Well, you're in luck.

Former Colorado State Representative and little piggy who had nothing but roast beef, Gordon Klingenschmitt, had a nice little meltdown. During his talk show last week, he accused the girl who was the plaintiff, the girl's mom, and the FFRF of having demons inside

of them. First Amendment demons, apparently. I see. First Amendment demons is my nickname for people on Twitter. I've heard you use other nicknames. Hush now, that is for not microphone time, what I say in my other nicknames.

Let me ask you something, Eli. Why do you hate freedom? Alright, it doesn't matter. Back to George Swinbrenner. He looks just like, he's got this stupid turtleneck and the jack pig all right so my favorite part is when uh klingenschmidt a former chaplain clearly could not name the 10 commandments on his own show totally stumped or 12 or 19 or however the

fuck many they actually have that nobody could seem to get fucking straight and just for the record don't be possessed by demons is not one of them that's not a commandment anyway he mentions the commandments has this awkward pause where he's obviously trying to think of one and he eventually comes up with don't kill which is number six by the way it's number six that's not even on page one of the two tablets moses got well idiots now was itots. Now, was it that he forgot or was it that he realized that that was the only appropriate one for a display at a public school?

He's just taking through them on his list mentally going, no, I can't say that. I don't think we give Gordy K enough credit sometimes. By the way, fun mnemonic if you ever want to remember, it's me, me, me, me, mom, murder, mistress, marauder, make shit up, mope.

Yeah, that'd be easy to remember. And in destitute your own horn news tonight, the Republican effort to ensure that lower income Americans have a wide range of health care options they can't afford has caused controversy on both sides of the aisle this week. Democrats have faulted the plan for being a callous, infeasible, costly tax cut disguised as health care reform, while Republicans have faulted it for disguising itself as health care reform. But in an effort to allay fears from both parties, Kansas Congressman Roger Marshall explained that it doesn't really matter since, according to Jesus, poor people don't really want health care anyway. Otherwise, they wouldn't have chosen to be poor. Just up in Mormon smoke-covered heaven. We were rich last time i want to choose between medicine and food this one just a camel with a big pile of money and a dialysis machine

trying to squeeze through the eye of a needle fuck this is ridiculous this is great i'm gonna be poor i'm gonna be poor this is dumb so this comes from a recent interview that the the congressman did with stat news where he explained quote just like jesus said the poor will always be with us there is a group of people that just don't want health care and aren't going to take care of themselves end quote the next sentence out of his mouth by the way started off as just like homeless people dot dot dot but apparently he thought better of finishing that one with his outside voice and a board of the fuck out of it. You got to admit, though, bootstrapping yourself out of illness is new. Just for the feel good movie about a guy who tried real hard and wasn't blind anymore.

Right. Yeah. Just just like conversion therapy, I guess. I don't want to not have cancer. Of course, the stuff he decided to say instead of blaming homeless people for choosing the uncurrigated roofing wasn't a hell of a lot better than that. He went on to explain that there are people out there that eat poorly and don't exercise. And since I think we can all agree that the real problem in the insurance market is not enough unhealthy individuals seeking coverage, we don't want those assholes sucking up all our medicare dollars okay sir i can insure you but i'm gonna need 20 push-ups right now uh what can i get for a flexed arm hang what if i give you 20 seconds prenatal care so when asked if he understood that insurance already adjusts for

people who are older and less healthy marshall explained that narwhals really do exist and he has pictures to prove it. And since that's as related to the question as his original point was to repealing the Affordable Care Act, nobody could really say shit he had stumped them. Lots of people at home right now doubting if narwhals are real. They're not, by the way. Fun fact. Not the way you spelled it anyway. There are multiple H's in my spelling. But where?

And in fart official selection news tonight, Christian activist and weird relative that always wants everybody to go camping with him, Dave Daubenmayer made a concerted effort to get a mention on this week's show when he debunked evolution through his very own argument from malodorous skunk butts. Now, like most game-changing discoveries in the field of evolutionary biology coach dave debuted this argument to an audience of literally several in the prestigious journal youtube where it

underwent intense peer review and is expected to receive its first thumbs up any day now hey now to be fair he has almost the fifth of the views that sketch we wrote and performed in an afternoon does should have pretended to jerk off coach dave should have pretended to jerk yeah that was uh it's actually the only note i had on that script pretend pretend noah wrote the same thing you would have known if those two papers weren't sticking together so let me see if i can summarize this argument for lay people when addressing divergent evolution as it relates to co-opted vestigial systems across mammalian species daubenmayer explained quote you know why there's what appears to be common traits across species because god used the same dirt end quote checks out hold on i thought it was clay and cum isn't that fucking terrorist non-overlapping magisteria

anyway in case that was too complex he resorted to a more familiar analogy about how sugar and flour look the same but quote your mom cooks it and you don't know what it tastes like because you don't know what's the different ingredients that you put in it. End quote with a blanket sick. Okay, wait, I am genuinely worried about Coach Dave. Those two substances have very different appearances and tastes. Yes, right. And same with dirt and cum.

I mean, he's having a weird day, Dave Dovenbier. come. I mean, he's having a weird day, Dave Dokenbier. And by the way, if you're thinking your world's already been rocked, I should remind you, we haven't even gotten to the skunk butts. You sound like the tour guide at that weird sex shop me and Heath went to.

I liked it. He points out and we evolutionists kind of have to concede this point, but he points out that you can't bake a cake without water. So, there's that. And as though... He hasn't had vegan cake. I need to concede this point but he points out that you can't bake a cake without water so uh there's that and as a vegan cake i need to explain how this is like yeah well that's not if we have to defend our argument with vegan cake we've already lost the war um but and now i'm sure you can already figure out how this cake and water relates to skunk asses but i'm going to tell you anyway he says quote the only way you can make a different species or a different tasting cake,

see there's the tie-in, is to add something into it that's never been into it before. And so you're going to tell me that you made a skunk, which is like a cat, and you're telling me that you added something into that to make its fart stink? You added something into it? Where did that come from? End quote. That's what he actually said. I could have, I could have corrected it and fix the words,

but that's, I want to do it. I'm just like, come on, man, just ask me for a dollar so I can say no and put my headphones back. Right. All right.

I'm very confused. So he's asking like, what could we add to a cake to make it smell like a fart? Is that what he's asking? I feel like he tried cum and it didn't work. So checkmate atheist? He hasn't seen vegan cake like we pointed out. Is that what we just heard?

So yes, until we evolutionists can explain what we've been stuffing up cat's asses to make all them skunks, I feel like we're probably going to have to put all the biology shit on hold. Thanks, Dave. Okay, well, Ivor One was not trying to make skunks, so... In my defense. And in That's Why You're a Bus Driver news tonight, Natalie Encarnacion's seven-year-old son

missed his usual bus last week, resulting in him taking a different school bus home than usual. During which time, Eli was at a large banquet with lots of people. No, we're doing a different thing this time.

Good looking out, though. When he got on the bus, he told driver Violetta Jacopo he hoped his mom's wouldn't be mad at him for running late. And in response, she took the opportunity to tell the child that he and his mom's were going to burn in hell for eternity and sent him home with some Jehovah's Witness literature. Oh, Jehovah's Witness literature. Why? So that burning in hell would seem good compared to something? All right. So pro tip for all the kids listening,

just sing happy birthday on the bus every day until the driver runs away. And then do like happy half birthday so that, you know, it's not in the summer. Carry some Halloween candy. It's JW garlic. Anyways, obviously upset and not yet used to the, when we say hell, we don't actually mean it version of adulthood.

He went home and told his parents that they needed to split up so they could all get into heaven. What? Their heaven isn't even that good. I've seen the cartoon. It's like a coin operated safari outside a gas station. It's stupid and awful. Great place to abduct children, exactly.

If there is any religion out there that has a heaven where the machine won't take your crinkly bills, it's going to be the J-dubs. I agree. Just Jesus standing there with new bills, please? No. No.

Why do you make ladies wait in the subway? Do they want to talk? Who are they waiting for? They never talked. It's fine. Even worse, when Encarnacion contacted the school to tell them that one of their drivers was telling kids that they and their parents were going to be tortured forever by a fallen angel because God hates fags. She received no response in fact

it wasn't until the news contacted the school board that they released a statement saying they had spoken to the bus driver about following the code of conduct i repeat not a statement saying oh we fired the fuck out of that lady and tomorrow at school is fuck violetta jacobo day they just reminded her that as a bus driver, she should really keep the scaring children with eternal damnation stuff at home. Oh, for fuck's sake.

Alright, so, uh, what's a fair punishment then? Um, I'm saying the moms get to strap the bus driver down and give her a transfusion of lesbian menstrual blood. Right? That's like about even? That's like fair? Other ideas? Replace the pages of Watchtower

with Highlights Magazine. Well, I've got to say, honestly, I feel like once you've crossed over forcibly transfusing a Jehovah's Witness with lesbian menstrual blood, you really don't need other ideas. In fact, I feel like all ideas are going to kind of fall short after that.

Yeah, that's like the Marlon Brando of punishments. You nailed it. And I can't emphasize enough. This is why the last vestige of sanity in this country is suing the fuck out of people. Atheists have been doing it for years, but just like a friendly reminder that if anything like this ever happens to our listeners, sue the fuck out of everyone involved. You're not the bad guy. You're not being frivolous. You're just

using the only system in our country that's not filled with democratically appointed morons to make the laws of this country actually get followed. Natalie, honey, give Andrew a call. Gonna get that damn kid of yours a new bike. And while we double check to see what that means in terms of First Amendment demons, we'll pause

for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what you want? If it's a legitimate race. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man! This Week in Massage.

All the things the men in this segment don't know. I could write a book if there were more trees. And if the Internet was bigger, I could tell you all of them. For instance, Illinois' representative John Shimkus, who announced himself baffled this week that health insurance doesn't come with a no-babies option, like when you're choosing your pizza toppings on Grubhub. It all started when Pennsylvania Democrat Mike Doyle was defending Obamacare. He pointed out that the GOP had already endorsed removal of lifetime insurance caps, pre-existing conditions, and children staying on the parents' insurance

plan. Then asked that they explain just what the hell they had against the ACA then. And this is where Shimkus chimed in to slur himself a response. And I do mean slur. We'll have the clip in the show notes if you want to check. Anyway, he slurred, quote, what about men having to purchase prenatal care? Now look, the generous view of this stupid-ass question is just that this guy suffers from gold-fringed on the flag, am I being detained levels of stupid when it comes to health insurance. Maybe he's thinking the Republican replacement will have a non-sickle sale plan too. And out of the principle of charity, I've tried to put myself in his shoes, but I just can't get high enough. Now, the less generous and much more likely explanation is that this is yet another example of an elected lawmaker who wants

there to be a plus version of health insurance where the plus once again means having a pussy. And speaking of pussies, Lou Engle took a break from looking like the mad money guy went into witness protection this week to ask God to kill all the Supreme Court justices that would uphold Roe versus Wade. In a screed so crazy and long, I started to think I was reading the Quran again. Engle explained this week that during a recent five-day fast, he had a dream about women gathering to hear the book of Esther, and that in that book, there are two words that mean Nazgul. Yes, the witch king from the Lord of the Rings. Stay with me here. Who can be killed by no man, but is defeated by the king's daughter.

Anyway, this, to Engle, was a sign that it's time for conservative women to rise up and, quote, was a sign that it's time for conservative women to rise up and, quote, sweep away the Nazgul, the Haman spirit of death. We decree God the sweeping of the Supreme Court, end quote. But don't worry, I'm pretty sure RBG still has the one ring. And now that I've given you a good reason to picture Clarence Thomas biting off Jim Cramer's fingers and falling into lava, I'll turn you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda.

And in Boy, our survey's awesome and useful, and people should be lining up to make their voices be heard through them news tonight. Podcast.study. Call forward. A new study from PRRI has finally answered the question of which minority in the U.S. has it worse, and it turns out that that minority is white evangelical Christians. Oh, damn. I had black gay women who thought the wire was just OK.

Rachel Dolezal is doing fine. Apparently, you guys haven't asked enough white evangelical Christians because this factoid comes to us from them and no other sentient things. Like, seriously, you could hold these data up in front of a sign language monkey in a coma and he'd wake up long enough to sign the fuck you talking about bro did he just sign to be or not to be no for the last time no i have a god damn it you guys always i have a weird job this is is the worst. Give him time. Give him time. We need more sign language monkeys.

All right, so here's the breakdown. A distressingly dishonest or misinformed 33% of Americans seem to think that Christians face more discrimination in this country than Muslims do. Yeah, well, don't call it a Christian ban. It just bans a very small percentage of Christian majority nations. Very small percentage, yes. To be fair, though, we're building that anti-Christian wall. Catholics aren't really Christians. Okay, so just to review, one third of Americans think that in general, the Muslims face less discrimination than the Christians.

But the only religious demographic where that becomes a majority is you guessed it white evangelical protestants in addition a similarly disappointing 33 of americans think small business owners should not have to serve gay people if jesus tells them not to or dave rubin again again the only religious demographic where this becomes a majority is white evangelical Christians. And Dave Rubin. He's his own minority. Okay. How do these, like, hetero cake shops make sure nobody's gay that they're serving? Right. Like a test?

Okay. Large red velvet cake. Got it. Just one last thing, sir. Look at this porn and please take out your penis. But see, I couldn't perform under that kind of anyway here's the kicker though you get a false positive the survey also asked people which group there's a lot of discrimination against america and then we kind of went and

checked off various lists and then they gave a republican democratic breakdown and on the gop side of the chart the group that ranked highest, the one that faces the most discrimination, according to Republicans, was Christians. I'm sorry. They were tied for first with trans people, but they have to say that or they'll have to admit that they're losing. Right. I mean, I'm going to have a lot harder time with the sexual predators who will attack you in the bathroom argument with Republicans. I'm just saying. I don't want to go there.

But you do have a very wide stance. helps i do i do i'm in a split whenever i pee that's how van damme does it now the next highest ranking demographic after the christians and the and the trans people were muslims followed by the whites again the whites face more discrimination than immigrants gay and lesbian people and of course blacks who according to american republicans face the least discrimination in this country of anyone and of course because we weren't blaming anybody i guess we just didn't list the jews at all Well, no, no. They discriminate against the white evangelicals, too. They're baked into those numbers. Ah.

Phrasing. And in I'm Just Wiles About Satan News tonight, Christian commentator, host of True News, and stranded on a desert island, President Bartlett, of true news and stranded on a desert island president bartlett rick wiles has an idea about who is leading the coup it's a good one it is i was really proud of that one and watching he's got an idea about who is leading the coup against trump uh okay is it uh is it the 54 percent of voters who didn't vote for him? Like 74 million people? Is that the coup?

Close. It's a cabal of satanic child murderers. Tomato, tomato. Yeah, exactly. In what appears to be a Marvel Universe team above the Bohemian Grove, JFK assassination, Pizzagate, and shadow government conspiracy theories in Rick Wiles' Let's Call It Brain, Wiles explained on his show this week that Trump is, quote,

besieged by a slithering cabal of seditious snakes. Great vocal warm-up, by the way. Who are attempting to carry out a coup against him at the behest of the, quote, perpetual war and pedophilia party which

is not a nickname for the republicans but it should be perpetual war and pedophilia but that sounds like the celebration if you like win the catholic league did you guys start another fantasy league that i'm not invited to? Because I know a shit ton about Catholics. It's not fair. I can even name some. Bill Donahue, Crayshon Jenkins. I'm sorry, though. As a wordsmith, I want to go back and call out his multiple shit alliterations here.

First of all, Bessiege doesn't start with a sibling. It just has one in there. That doesn't count. And secondly, cabal? How about sect? Scheme? Circle? Schism? Society? Everything has a synonym that starts with S, you stupid motherfucker. Sorry. It's a thing. I take it seriously. Perpetual

paramilitary profiteering and pedophilia party. How about that? Just a suggestion. Throwing it out there. For my birthday, I got lost. Anyway, Wiles and his co-host, who also has a lisp and thought it would be an awesome idea to talk into a microphone

for a living. You and a Harvard lawyer lost a debate to a disabled Canadian tween. Just let it go. There's no reason to be mean about the lisp. We weren't ready. Sun was in your eyes. Exactly.

Wiles and his co-host followed their statement about Come on. We weren't ready. Sun was in your eyes. Exactly. Wiles and his co-hosts followed their statement about secret pedophile gangs killing JFK by pointing out that there is no evidence that Russia hacked the DNC. But if they did, they deserve, quote, the highest citizenship award that this country can give anybody. End quote. Proving what we all knew, that Wiles does not know what the word citizen means. Or

maybe country. Honestly, I'm iffy on give. Yeah, right. I just can't stop picturing a gang of pedophile priests dancing around the grassy knoll like West Side Story. I can't stop dreaming about it. I mean, thinking of picturing. I want to be pedophilia.

I want to be pedophilia. It's a very different version of Officer Krupke. Makes sense. You got the mafia, you got the Cubans, the Sharks, the Jets. Yeah. He goes on to say, and this is important here, he said it four times, the real scandal here is about pedophilia.

It's about pedophilia. Pedophilia. It's about pedophilia. Listen to the clip. It's nuts. ever find out the truth about their politicians and their celebrities in Hollywood and their TV idols and their favorite TV anchormen and women. And they find out all these great famous people and they find out that they're just child molesters. God, it's like, and it came to pass in the Book of Mormon, didn't it? And they find out that they're just child molesters,

not only molesters, but child murderers sacrificing children to Satan. When they find out there it is again, they will drag their bloody carcasses down Constitution Avenue in Washington, D.C. with meat hooks. He's planned a route. They'll have meat hooks in their carcasses. End quote. So, yeah. As soon as we find out about the blood orgies that Al Roker and Ryan Seacrest have been having, we're going to drag them around Washington really slowly and uncomfortably to give to Trump as a gift. Who knows? And once again, and I can't emphasize this enough, I, the man publicly fantasizing about dragging Carson Daly's corpse around the street on an iron spike, am the good guy here.

I don't know why you guys are having so much trouble with this. And finally tonight, from the hijab creators file, we actually have some good news that relates to muslim women and uh and it's not whatever eli's about to interrupt with nike made a hijab actually no it we don't try to trick me with appropriate comments whatever yes it's what eli said i want to come on one of those see okay see this is what i'm talking about all right well well Nike has been working on a line of athletic wear for Muslim female athletes who might get sexually assaulted if their neck skin is showing. That's why this is necessary, just to be clear.

It's like a dark commercial, because when you're running from a mob of honor killers, you want to leave it all on the court. I want to say, if I was ever about to be the victim of an acid attack, I'd say, can't get me. I'm on base. They probably wouldn't get it right away,

but later when I was done screaming it out, they might. And that would be really awkward. Alkaline. Oh, fuck. Sorry. I apologize for that.

Yeah, so we've already seen a handful of female athletes wearing hijabs during the Olympics. And it looks like the Muslim world is slowly letting women do stuff. Good for them. Right? Well, as long as they wear what they're told. Well, obviously. Yeah. Congrats again to the Muslim world. You guys are doing great. And if you're currently

running marathons through a Middle Eastern desert wearing a giant black smock, the Nike Pro Hijab should be available in stores by spring of 2018. There are a few things I'm less in need of. The thing is,

unfortunately for most of the women in Saudi Arabia, they can't drive to the store and buy one, but still, baby steps. I don't know, Heath. I feel like there's a whole market here. First, the Nike hijab, then Adidas comes with those rings for stretching your neck, foot binding by Dior. The possibilities are endless.

I'm just saying. And why aren't there flavored roofies? We could call them jello shots. It's a Bill Cosby joke. He's a rapist. He raped a lot of people. And we knew for a really long time.

Pudding pops. Alright, so this story it's it's all about gender equality i guess despite what you've heard us saying and um i think it's extremely hypocritical here's my point it's extremely hypocritical that nobody's talking about the other side of the coin here what i'm saying is it's time for men to have equal access to the same rape prevention garments as women. To be fair. Right. Gay dudes will rape your neck skin too. Trust me. I've heard it

happens. Chicago was otherwise lovely. I don't want to send the wrong message. Alright. We will need 30 seconds on the clock. Oh yeah. Fashionable body covering for the Muslim man. Go. All right.

How about the corn in the niqab brand lockable phallus chalice? Ooh, the booty burqa, an extra level of modesty and protection for your Shiite hole. Too Sunni. Too Sunni. All right. What about the chain mail mail Vale by Shia Mail? Don't get gay fucked in the face. Direct. I like it.

The Piss or Kiss or Desist Bish? Ooh. How about a cologne? Not a cock. Now available in Boyage. There's a guy with terrible taste in cologne who fucking loved that joke, just so you know. Yeah. Fucking loved that shit.

It's Eli. Somebody knew what a bitch was too, so hopefully. All right. How about the Armani Cobb? When his words say no, but his eyes say yes. Okay. Well, I know this is a solution I offer to a lot of problems but how about just spam up your ass oh uh the adnan karan salon because what you do unto others doesn't have to be done unto you

how about uh how about the smock strap by mgm gland it's just just two girls blowing you to block the gay dudes two girls one cup you go. Two girls, one cup. Everything comes back to two girls, one cup. Now that the thin ladies have gargled the eyes, I suppose we can wrap up the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji! And when we come back,

you'll kind of miss the interstitial music. Hey, welcome to Typical Comet Convention. I'm only pretending to be interested in you. How can I help? Jesus, what's that smell? Oh, it smells like a Vienna sausage ran on a treadmill. a sausage ran on a treadmill. Yeah, this is the first day. It will get considerably worse. Wow. Okay, so we're actually just here for some cool stuff. Yeah, kind of on a quest for

epic gear, housewares, and collectibles. Oh, well then, Loot Crate has it. What's Loot Crate? Are you texting? Yeah, sorry. If I make eye contact with anyone here for too long, they get a little notice me, senpai. But Loot Crate is the best surprise you know is coming. They offer an epic range of pop culture items

for less than 20 bucks a month. Oh, that sounds awesome. And what about here? What do you guys have? We've got some comics. We have a booth with a $950 figurine of Batman that if you try to touch, a full-grown man will

scream at you with no sense of irony. Wow. You would think people selling us stuff would be friendlier. You would think that, right? You would. But no. But with Loot Crate, you get to be the envy of your friends and get your 100%

exclusive crates. Just go to lootcrate.com slash atheist and enter the code atheist to save $3 off any new subscription. But wait until I tell you about March's Crate. It's wild. That roar in the distance is a call. Will you answer it? This month, we're going primal

and unleashing the beasts of some of pop culture's most ferocious franchises. This March, experience iconic items from Overwatch, Wolverine, Jurassic Park, and Predator, including, as always, their monthly t-shirt and pin. Wow. Wow, that sounds great. I love Wolverine. Yeah, but we here at the convention,

we have a nine-hour line to get an autograph from the Green Ranger. Oh, which one? The dead one. I think he tried to sell me pot earlier. Yeah, he does that. Do you need anything else? Because I really don't care. You are so unfriendly. It's

just amazing. I know, right? I am literally the most attractive person that anyone in the company knew. I hate everything here. I don't know what Pokemon is. Yeah, I don't think this is for us. Good call. Anyways, go to lootcrate.com slash atheist

and enter the code atheist to save $3 off any new subscription today. But don't wait. Offer expires March 19th. Man, this sucked. Yeah. Worst. No kidding.

Let's go get an $84 hot pretzel. Yeah, cinnamon. Hey, Mike, how's it going? Oh, you know, just sitting around worrying that a gay Muslim's going to ass rape me. Typical. I hear you, Mike. I used to worry about that all the time, but I found a way around it. Oh, uh, are you talking about not being a bigot because I'm a Christian? Even better, Mike. I'm talking about spam up your ass. Spam up your ass? How does it work? Good question, Mike. Pig is like Muslim kryptonite. So you just cram some spam in your ass every morning. And if a Muslim tries to gay rape you, you'll have an anal force field waiting for him. Oh, that sounds like a great idea. Not only that, but if you go to spam up your ass dot com slash atheist, you'll save five dollars

off your first fistful. Spam up your ass now available in four delicious flavors because if you're worried about being gay raped by a muslim you deserve spam up your ass hey folks just a quick favor to ask our advertisers have put together a short confidential survey over at podcast.study if you're a podcast listener you've probably been asked to do something like this before but what you probably don't know is that this is how our advertisers judge the size and responsiveness of our audience. If even half the people listening to this show took the survey, we could triple our advertising revenue overnight. So please take a moment to go to podcast.study. It takes less than five minutes. It's totally anonymous, but you'll be doing us a huge favor. But that's not all. If we receive 1,000 responses, we will start doing Scathing Atheist two times a week.

What? That's right. Double the show. But not just that. If we receive 1,002 responses, we'll start doing two god-awful movies a week. No, absolutely not. None of that. That would be four shows a week, guys.

Not quite, Noah, because if we reach 1,003 responses, we'll be doing Skeptocrat seven times a week. That is physically impossible. We can do none of this. Just please do the survey. Yeah. No, you're right, Noah. We can't do it. Okay, yeah.

Without your help. No, no. I mean, please go to podcast.study and take the survey but none of that shit is going to happen none of it okay you'll just be helping the show we'll be able to do more live shows go to more cons offer more merch and we won't starve that's the reward you know that's that and we'll personally greet each listener at the beginning of every episode oh hi, hi, Craig. Welcome to the Skating Atheist.

I hate you guys. Jasmine, you look lovely. Welcome to the Skating Atheist. Tony, my man. Welcome to the S to the A, big dog. With a text as boring and repetitive as the Book of Mormon, it can be hard to follow along with the so-called plot without getting jealous of those people who end up in a coma for 40 years.

So for those of you who find following along with the meandering and largely plagiarized path of the last few chapters difficult, we'd like to present Part 3 of Mormon Peace Theater. Last time on Mormon Peace Theater. I'm Nephi, and I'm the best totally great dude. And we're his brothers. Brothers, let us go to America in this boat I built of curious workmanship. No, I'd rather kill you.

Yeah, that sounds good. Seriously? Again? This is like the eighth time. Eighth time's the charm. Seriously, guys. Cut it out. Right. The God guy. Totally forgot about him. About who? I don't remember. Let's kill Nephi!

And now, on with the show. Hey, Dad. what you doing just getting ready to make a big boring speech and then die oh yeah you are gonna do that yeah that sounds well that sounds super boring yep okay but uh what if in a couple thousand years there's like a podcast? A what? Steel Swords. Fair. Right, so if this podcast wanted to make your super boring speech interesting, what would you say they should do?

Hmm, I suppose they could try retelling parts of it as their favorite characters. Oh, no, no. Hi, I'm Pony D from Big Boring Speeches. Is your speech big and boring? Let us spice it up with our wacky band of characters. Hi, I'm Inside Out Little Girl and Sweet Jesus on a Cracker Who the Hell Even hell even remembers what show I'm from, but I'd love to help. You would? I can taste my own liver.

Go for it. Boy, oh boy, if my butthole wasn't so close to my mouth, I'd be smiling. And I just want to say that no one will ever come to this land unless God intends it. You see, I was right all along. Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Ben Carson. Where? No, no, no, that's you. Is it?

Well, this is perfect, because this is the bullshit history section. Take it away, Ben. Okay, thanks, inside-out little girl. Gonna take away your health care. You sure are. Okay, so back in 590 BC, when Nephi and his family arrived, nobody lived here except for animals like horses, which were totally here, peacocks, and VW bugs. Lehi realized this would be a good land, and many would flourish as long as they would stop

trying to kill their brother. Oh, pretty please, Lehi said. Stop trying to kill your brother, and everyone will live heavily after ever. With all the animals that are totally in America at this time, like elephants and pug dogs. Did somebody say pug dogs? Call the pug a pegacone. What are you doing here? Oh, I just thought I'd stop by to tell everyone about my favorite chapters of 2 Nephi, chapters 2 and 3. Well then, let's see it. First off, let me just say, Jacob, my other son, he's a great kid.

But you know who's really awesome? Who now? People named Joseph. Oh boy, does God love people named Joseph. What a great name. A guy with a name like that, he's got some moxie. That guy is awesome. Like Moses.

Now even I know Moses doesn't exist yet. Oh shit, you're right. Well, there's gonna be a guy named Moses He'll be like him Seems like a weird comparison It'll be in the Bible Hasn't been written yet Well, it will be

This is ridiculous Okay, anyway, one day there will be a guy like that guy from the book That hasn't been written yet, but even more awesome Seems like a stretch I'm a flying dog with a horn. You sure are. Well, that made no sense. Well, that's why I'm here.

Ray Comfort! Ray Comfort! That's right, it's me, Ray Comfort. When I hear a holy book isn't making sense, I come along as fast as a drop bear to a ripened pear. Well, you're just in time to talk about the rest of 2 Nephi chapter 3. I sure am. And I've got to say, there's some rock-hard evidence here that God exists.

For instance, if God isn't real, why does everything have an opposite? Like peanuts and ten yellow hornets. Wait, what are the opposite of those things? Don't interrupt. Sorry. Yeah, which reminds me, anyone who doesn't believe in this book is an asshole. A total asshole. Now doesn't that sound like God to you? It sure does. Something like that. Yeah, I feel like that would be one guy talking to himself for like eight minutes yeah do a fucking voice then oh meta and so it came to pass that lehigh finally died oh one more thing nope no no and so it was that Lehi finally died and I was

very very sad hey hey buddy what's the matter I'm just I'm just sad about dad dying us too I mean less so probably because he kept telling us

we were evil but still we're you know, we're sad. Yeah. Yeah. Would you feel better if we plotted to kill you again? Oh, you guys would do that? For me? We sure would. Hey, Nephi.

Yeah? Yeah. Mer-mer-mer-mer-mer. Mer-mer-mer-mer-mer. Mer-mer-mer-mer. You guys are the best. Nephi. Nephi.

What? What? I'm sleeping. I was sleeping. Oh, oh, I came to tell you your brothers are going to try to kill you again. It's a Tuesday already? Yeah. So here's the thing.

I was thinking maybe you should just leave um leave aren't you just gonna send another angel to stop them or well yeah about that i gotta tell you buddy the travel costs are starting to kill me on this the costs yeah i mean i i either gotta send an angel or come down myself every 10 minutes and don't get me wrong i I appreciate the miles and everything But there's only so much I can write off, you know Oh, okay, I guess so Cool, alright, do you validate parking?

None of those words And so, I took my family to a new and safer part of the new world Ah, here we are. Nephi. What? I shall call this city Nephi. You're naming this city Nephi? Uh, no.

No, it's fine. You don't like it. I didn't say that. Yeah, you didn't not say it either. Don't do this. All didn't say that. Yeah. You didn't not say it either. Don't do this. All right. Nephivenia?

Nephland? Nephistan? Nephi's fine. Just fine? Not great? Sometimes I really get your brothers. What? Nothing. And so it came to pass that we did flourish in the land.

We flourished greatly. So greatly. Like, really, really greatly. In fact, I'm so insistent about this that you kind of feel like we didn't flourish, except I'm pretty obviously fictional. Ah, my son Thomas. Hey, Dad, what are you making? Uh, steel swords.

Really? All the way, uh, down, huh? Yeah, yeah, well, I had Laban's sword, so, yeah, it was pretty easy, really. To copy a steel sword, because you have one hmm yeah yeah you're being kind of negative son i mean be careful i will cut off your feet and nobody in your family will ever have feet i have feet got him i hate you guys. No, absolutely not. Noah, come on. What's up? Hey, folks, Noah here.

So this is the part of the book where God curses the Lamanites with black skin. And Eli wrote this section before I got a chance to read it. Don't spoil it. Come on. Yeah, yeah. No, I'm sure it's fine. I mean, look, what's the problem? Oh, no, no.

Yeah. None of this. So suffice it to say, we will not be acting out this part of the Book of Mormon, okay? The Lamanites' skin turned black and they turned lazy and evil. That's what it says in the Book of Mormon, and that's plenty. Oh, just, oh.

Really, uh, really went all out with the makeup, huh? Oh, well, I done never seen no. No, no, no, no. See, you would have loved it. Hi, I'm Jacob. And now, Isaiah. You're welcome.

You're welcome. Just save your four fucking chapters. Blah, blah, blah. Isaiah, heaven is nice. Hell is not. Blah, hell is not blah blah blah blah blah see you next time this has been mormon peace before we clear the loading dock tonight, I'm happy to announce that we finally got a publication date for Diatribes Volume 2. The e-book version will be available on March 21st,

and hopefully the old-school version with pages and shit will be available a few days after that. If you want to pick up your copy as soon as it's available, be sure to follow us on Facebook or Twitter, and we'll send out links as soon as they exist, or just check ScathingAtheist.com after the 21st for a handy link. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long,

be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday, and a new episode of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful movies debuting 24 hours after that. Obviously, I couldn't call this a real episode if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for being the absolute personification of steadfast dedication. I want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda

Lusions for being the personification of loveliness and talent. And I want to thank the technically still presumed innocent Eli Bosnick for thoroughly planning his alibi and thus keeping the show on schedule. Also want to throw a big thanks to Joanne Hanks for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. I know I'm always pushing books on you that have ass and sex in the title, but if you'd like to check out her memoir, it's not all about the sex, my ass confessions of an ex-Mormon, ex-polygamist, ex-wife, you'll find a link on the show notes for this episode. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most munificent mammals, Alicia, Lauren, Jabbles, Eric, Defile, John, Sean, Akmenetep, Mother is Not Pleased, and Amoro.

Alicia, Lauren, and Jabbles, who are so cunning even microwaves can't spy on them. Eric, Defile, John, and Sean, who get harder and last longer than cratons. And Akmenetep, Mother is Not Pleased, and Amoro, whose collective orgasms are really sorry about that Nor'easter on Tuesday. Together, these nine notoriously knowledgeable non-theists nursed our nascent need to neutralize the narrow-minded nonsense nurtured by the naive, numinous nutbags this

week by giving us money. Not everybody has the notoriety, knowledge, and non-theism it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the Donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you've been burned by podcasts that said they love you before

and you're not ready to commit to a financial support kind of a relationship again, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes and by telling a friend about the show. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com

Oh, it turned rainbow. Yeah, what just happened? I was watching it too. That was amazing. Ready? Row. Row. Row.

Row. Why was there an extra row there? I don't know what Allie was doing, man. He's not an actor. He's not really an actor. I'll tell you what. That wasn't me. What? Sneaky.

It begins. I'm the one who rainbowed the line for Thomas to us. I was sure he was going to complain about the color of his... Well, this is perfect because this is the bullshit history section. Oh, sorry, I forgot who I was. Just hold on. Just a quick

pause. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.