The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 214: Flat Earth Edition

Episode Date: March 23, 2017

In this week’s episode, Pakistan wants a “stone to death” option on Facebook, Texas considers a cap and trade system to discourage sperm waste, and Alabama joins the fight against the fight against child abuse. To get a copy of Diatribes Volume 2: 50 More Essays From a Scathing Atheist, click here: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Guest Links: Click here to hear Noah and Lucinda on the Skeptics Brewpub podcast: https://www.spreaker.com/user/skeptics_brewpub/episode-41-noah-and-lucinda-lugeons Click here to check out Pesquisas Mormonas, click here: http://www.pesquisasmormonas.com/ Headlines: Pakistan wants Twitter and Facebook to identify blasphemers: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/mar/17/pakistan-asks-facebook-twitter-help-identify-blasphemers Engaged couple faces jail in UAE for premarital sex: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/09/an-engaged-couple-may-end-up-in-a-united-arab-emirates-jail-for-having-sex-before-marriage/ Gohmert: If Hillary had won, Christians like me would be in jail: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/louie-gohmert-says-that-if-clinton-had-won-hed-probably-have-been-in-jail-within-four-years/ Pope real sorry about complicity in Rwandan genocide: http://religionnews.com/2017/03/20/pope-asks-forgiveness-for-church-role-in-rwanda-genocide/ Oklahoma “Family Values” legislator caught in hotel room with underage boy: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/16/hypocrisy-alert-oklahoma-family-values-gop-legislator-caught-in-hotel-room-with-underage-boy/ Former Trump Advisor: God warned me about the wiretapping: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/former-trump-campaign-adviser-says-god-warned-him-about-bugging-of-the-white-house/ Parents delay reporting their son missing because “god said he was fine” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/18/when-their-son-went-missing-these-parents-delayed-calling-the-police-because-god-said-he-was-fine/ Alabama Christians fighting against law that would protect kids at daycare from being abused: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/15/conservative-christians-are-fighting-an-alabama-bill-that-would-protect-kids-at-childcare-centers/ Texas lawmaker wants men fined for masturbating: http://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-39251655 http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/13/texas-democrat-trolls-anti-abortion-colleagues-with-bill-fining-men-100-each-time-they-masturbate/ This Week in Misogyny: Saudi women’s panel has no women: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2017/03/saudi-arabia-launches-girls-council-without-girls/ Mike Pence gets “Working Women” award: http://www.rawstory.com/2017/03/mike-pence-to-receive-working-for-women-award-from-kellyanne-conways-conservative-womens-group/ “Trumpcare” seeks to defund Planned Parenthood: http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2017/03/cbo-predicts-trumpcare-would-cause-thousands-women-lose-contraceptive-care-and-get-

Warning, the following podcast may be offensive to people offended by the following podcast. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by one final round of our Steve Bannon physical description contest. Today's winner is at CL Cody Clark, who had if herpes made a Christian mingle profile, well played Cody Clark. Next week, we're going to switch over to Pope Francis. So, tweet us your favorite descriptions of Pope Francis using the hashtag PopeSkate and you could be the next winner. And now, Skating Atheist.

Hello, you guys. This is Manuel from PesquisasMormonas.com and Pesquisa Mormonas is the only podcast about the Mormons in Spanish. And, you know, I was thinking, all these gringo Mormons think they're so delightful and whatnot. But the truth is, they also descend from filthy monkey men.

So, yeah, pesqu BeckySamormonas.com It's Thursday. It's March 23rd. And if you found Jesus, you can lose him again here. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright from New York, New York, Secret Lair, Pennsylvania. This is the Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Pakistan wants a stone-to-death option on Facebook.

Texas considers a cap-and-trade system to discourage sperm waste. And Alabama joins the fight against the fight against child abuse. But first, the diatribe. hey you know where life comes from yeah Yeah, me neither. But don't tell the religious people, though, where we have to stop being atheists, apparently. For fuck's sake, I am so sick of this question, mostly because if it was an honest inquiry, it would be awesome. It's one of the coolest unanswered questions in science. And if I was constantly plagued by people who were genuinely asking me what I knew about the origins of life, I'd have way better blood pressure. But instead, I'm inundated with people asking this question who are utterly committed

to not knowing the answer. The end result is me downplaying one of the most fascinating things ever to proceed a question mark, because as interesting as it is, it's still just one of many questions science has yet to answer, and it has no more or less ability to bring the entire edifice of science down than any other unanswered question. Why do we yawn is also currently unanswered by science, and that counts for exactly as many points in the God column as our inability to retrace all the steps of abiogenesis, and that is zero points. And yet it's almost impossible to put this question in perspective, even for people who aren't desperately clinging to it as like the last hope for deific asylum i mean the reason we find this question so interesting is in large part because we're alive it's an unanswered question about our own ancestry and so it holds more interest to us than the processes that brought about diamonds or pulsars but that doesn't mean it's a more important question. It's just one we're more interested in. I mean, if you think about it, the definition of life

gets pretty damn fuzzy around the edges. If we were able to somehow go back and observe every stage of progress from hydrogen freezing out of the Big Bang's diluted energy to Homo sapien, I can guarantee you that people would still argue about exactly when alive started. The universe isn't dropping things into distinct categories like alive and dead. Those are just post hoc pigeonholes we create because otherwise language wouldn't work. In reality, though, there's a continuum and most things are firmly on one side or the other. The same is true of all the adjectives and most of the nouns. And look, if you pick any one thing and demand a complete account of how it came to be,

you're forced to explain all of cosmological history up to that moment right i mean that's true of life's origins but it's also true of felt-tip pens sandstorms on mars and this diatribe as sagan said if you wish to make apple pie from scratch you must first create the universe i i mean we tend to think of rocks you know like as a much easier thing to explain than birds but if we're trying to give a precise step-by-step account of the existence of let's say limestone that still requires an explanation for abiogenesis and by the same token since we couldn't exist without all that iron and molybdenum and shit we kind of have to explain the rocks to explain ourselves the point being it's a fucking question it's one unanswered question woven into a tapestry of others. Yes, it's a fascinating one, but it offers no more refuge for God than any other question.

What's more, when deployed by an apologist, it's a trick question, right? I mean, how many steps of abiogenesis do we need plausible explanations for before religious people stop being religious? What level of certainty do we need to reach on each of these steps? How definitive must the answer be? If there aren't clear answers to those questions, the discussion is pointless. I mean, at least as far as the religious debate goes. And if you ask the apologist, they'll no doubt set the parameters so high that no achievable answer would suffice.

I mean, what particular stage in abiogenesis is the one where God is hiding? There are several stages we already understand, which means that God was just like getting involved here and there. He let a random and uncaring universe assemble the plasma membranes of the cell, but he had to do the ribosomes himself. Or if we figure that one out, maybe God just did the endoplasmic reticulum. The point is the whole, then how do you explain X line of questioning is inherently disingenuous in religious debate. No answer can ever be absolute or complete. So there's no obvious threshold we can cross over where there's no gap left for God. Now, of course, what is God is always going to be a lot further from an answer than whatever the apologist is throwing at you. So it's not like that line of reasoning was in

need of refutation, but I still have to bitch about it because what pisses me off most isn't the intellectual mendacity it's not even the prerequisite of ignorance required to exploit it what really burns my ass is the post-requisite requirement of ignorance the la la la i can't hear you that so often serves as a follow-up because look we've filled in enough of the abiogenic gaps to rule out god yeah we know stages 1 3 18 29 42 and 58 that leaves a ton of shit unknown sure but it's not like any of those stages is the magical god stage we we've seen enough to say we can see a process that makes perfect sense based on nothing but evolution chemistry and the laws of thermodynamics you know we may not each step, but we know that there are steps and that they are natural.

Like every other process ever observed in the universe, we don't know enough about it, but we know enough about it to rule out God. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Simon and Garfunkel of humanistic hedonism Heath Henright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to be a bridge over troubled epistemological

constructs? I will lay me down on that grenade. There you go. Or have a three-way right now. Whichever you meant. Either way. Both. Three-way on a grenade. Yeah. Yeah. As exciting as that sounds though, we are going to have to leave that bomb ticking for a minute while we take a break to hear from this week's sponsor, us.

Has this ever happened to you? Well, now you can put those days behind you with your very own copy of Diatribes, Volume 2, 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist. You'll get the preface. You'll get the afterword. But that's not all. You'll also get 50 expanded versions of the diatribes featured on Episodes 51 through 100. Act now and we'll throw in a table of contents at no extra charge. That's right. The e-book version is out now and the paperback will be available shortly.

You can get your copy on the Kindle store or by following the link on the show notes for this episode. You'll get the odd-numbered pages. You'll get the even-numbered pages. We'll even toss in a cover. The book contains such classic diatribes as Islam really is evil, and toss in a cover. The book contains such classic diatribes as Islam really is evil, J'ai sui Charlie,

and, of course, the argument from the properly clotted cock. You'll get chapters one through five. You'll get chapters seven through ten. And if you act now, we'll even include chapter six. So don't delay. Check the show notes,

check our Facebook page, check our Twitter feed, check our website, or check your inbox if you're a Patreon donor of the $2 per episode level or above, and get your copy of Diatrives Volume 2 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist

today. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, Pakistan further cemented its reputation as the Guy in Cloaca last week when they asked both Twitter and Facebook for help identifying blasphemers they could kill. I mean, that's right in my about me section, but sure.

We try to make it easy for them. Yeah. So Pakistanis interior minister and only man with a worse toupee than Trump, Shadri Nisar Ali Khan, disclosed as much on Friday when he admitted that an official in Pakistan's Washington embassy approached the social media giants to solicit their help identifying pakistanis guilty of blasphemy and in case you're wondering according to ali khan yes they would seek extradition over this shit this is a tough one you know on the one hand backwards nations under sharia law want to use the site as a means of punishing people for thought crimes but but but on the other hand some people's pictures have nipples in them so like where to focus you know yeah well the heart seems to be the going choice apparently yeah so pakistan of course has blasphemy laws so draconian they're considered outrageous even by south asian standards yeah just like an indian dude with no arms fucking rednecks backwards yokels so according to a 2014

bbc report oh it's a long time ago long yeah back in the day over 1300 people have been charged with the blasphemy laws since the current law was enacted in 1986 now i couldn't find an account of how many of those people were executed but at least 62 of them were murdered extra judicially before trial ever began so one way or the other their humanity average is shit and according to amnesty international quote there is overwhelming evidence that pakistan's blasphemy laws violate human rights and encourage people to take the law into their own hands end quote so like so even if there was a right way to institute capital punishment for making fun of religion, these guys wouldn't be using it. Okay, not trying to be that guy that puts the positive spin on the blasphemy laws,

but if I report the porn spam profiles as blasphemous, what are the chances they get hacked to death in the shed? I'm just trying to think of an offense we can all get behind, break a few eggs, omelet. All right. Well, if you're describing a genre of porn based on like machete attackers getting killed by undercover porn ninjas that were waiting, then yes, everyone likes that idea. Easy to get behind. I don't think that's what.

But yes, everybody does. That is what I was. Oh, OK. All right. Well, there we go. I don't usually get it right. Twitter declined to comment here, which just seems like an odd sentence to put together, doesn't it?

Well, Twitter, as we know, always makes the right and humane decision. Whatever. You're making fun. I like Twitter. I follow the onion. Fun side. Oh, can we switch social media accounts for like one day? Just one?

We cannot. oh can we switch social media accounts for like one day just one we cannot oh someone made a video about me yesterday claiming i only pretend to be nice to trick people this is my life wait really 100 true wait 100 true that they made the video or that you only pretend to be nice to trick people can it be both well i mean because that's what every fucking body does. That is the lightest possible charge that can be leveled against a person. This guy's going to do another expose on how I really did think

those pants made my wife's ass look big. Come on. Anyway, back to the story. But he's a cartoon monkey, so, you know, it hurts worse. I guess so.

Now, Facebook, unlike Twitter, released a long, self-damning response that promised to review Pakistan's concerns very carefully and hinted at a possible compromise. So according to a batshit rambling manifesto Mark Zuckerberg released on Friday, Facebook is considering a global vote of all users to decide what kind of content should and shouldn't be allowed on their service. And even hinted at AI that could remove banned speech. There was also something in there about freedom being slavery. I'm not sure I followed the whole thing.

Then he asked if everyone saw that video about the robot he made for his house. Wasn't that cool? Huh? They made a movie about what a dick I am and why you should always call Andrew if you have a good idea. A movie. Just pan over to the Winklevoss twins welding a Terminator angrily. Pan over to Andrew welding a Terminator.

I want Andrew to be in action movies. We can make that happen, patrons. We can make that happen. You just got Torez'd up. Don't take dying advice from a podcast. And in living in sin, bad's great adventure news tonight. Oh,

uh, a different world. Uh, first kid, good burger. The one where he was a genie jingle all the way. I like, I like sin bad a lot.

Apparently in a news story that makes the plot of Get Out look like an episode of VeggieTales, it was revealed last week that an engaged couple have been in jail since January in the United Arab Emirates for the crime of premarital sex.

Okay, well, what's the problem? Just break off the engagement you're free right i did not think of that one that's that's a good one okay i'm sorry can we back up for a second because it feels like you were implying that veggie tales was less disturbing than get out i i just i don't i don't know that i get the analogy that's fair that's fair just a tomato in the sunken place yeah yes emlyn colorville well who is south african and iran no high who is ukrainian have lived in the uae for the past few years for work reportedly arrested two months ago when no high went to the doctor for stomach cramps only to discover she was pregnant and as if this isn't horrifying enough the couple still hasn't been

charged because authorities are quote still carrying out tests end quote which doesn't sound at all like a g-rated description of hostile i want a pixar version of hostile that's fantastic you and me both they keep ignoring my letters even worse uh and i want it to be a musical okay well now you're just stealing my idea sign my move-on petition gonna give let it go a whole new meaning okay but but but but isn't that veggie tales he's got a point okay you are both dream crushers dollar in the idea drawer anyway even worse the south african ministry has said that it is not able to help the couple as this is a matter of domestic uae law and the south african government has advised the couple to seek legal assistance because they probably hadn't thought of that yeah

all right have you tried calling your national government uh yeah we're on the phone with you because they probably hadn't thought of that. Yeah, right. Ding, ding. All right. Have you tried calling your national government? Yeah, we're on the phone with you now. That's you. Oh, right, right, right. Shit. Legal Zoom? Do you have a smartphone?

And as of right now, that's where this fucking story stands. Everyone in the world is just like twiddling their thumbs, staring at the ceilings because the United Arab Emirates is to barbaric third world sexual laws is your friend's kid who definitely has something developmentally wrong with him is to a fondue party. Eli takes a pill right before he gets there. That's good. That's good. I was going in a different direction, but that is fair. a pill right before he gets there.

That's good. That's good. I was going in a different direction, but that is fair. No, unless the South African government grows the stones to point out that laws dictated by magic wizards overly concerned about when exactly you start fucking or bullshit, the going policy seems to be to continue to be for the UAE to keep sticking

its fist into molten cheese and screaming while the rest of the world explains he's just tired ed eli takes lactate in viagra and in casting aspersions on golden showers news tonight many people are speculating that the united states might be a better place right now if hillary clinton had become president speculating speculating and uh oddly enough that includes congressman louis gomert he reminded us that if hillary was in charge we'd probably have all the christians in jail by now including gomert himself yeah and we

would have got away with it too wasn't for't for those meddling Russians. We had it. Now, there's a thing we can make happen, y'all. Vladimir Putin is Fred. Alexei Kudrin would be Shaggy. Viktor Zolotov is Daphne, of course. Timchenko is the lesbian. Instead of a dog, it's a bear. And they drive around farting democracy

in the mystery mobile anti-tank guided missile system. And it's called Scooby Don't. Gold, we just retired. I mean, we'll finish this episode and all, but after that, coastlines. Okay, now I'm picturing the Scooby gang with radium poisoning, and it makes me sad. Those are tears of guilt, sir. So, Gilbert brought this up during a recent appearance on Glenn Beck's show. And it started with Beck making fun of him for, like, almost licking Trump at the beginning of that speech to Congress last month.

He did. Which is very accurate. It's great. Watch this video. Trump's on his way in and there was supposed to be like the handshake portion. Gohmert leans in for the kiss multiple times. And gets awkwardly denied multiple times because he's the mayor of the friends. That's what happens when you're the mayor of the friends.

Yeah. You look at that guy and you're like, your dog just uh doesn't need the peanut butter that badly does he louis watching louis gomert jack off should be punishment for robbing the elderly it's like nope jail please or blast me on twitter one or the other yeah so in response to Beck, Govert tried to explain why he wants to rim the president. And he started by pointing out that the U.S. Commission on Civil Rights called Christians the biggest hate group in America, which is false. Right. So far, so good. Well, I'm saying the statement is probably true, but they never said that. Well, right. Yeah, exactly. That's how he knows hillary's secret plan to throw all the christians in jail

well i for one have seen 80 plus movies that prove this point can't tell you what color my wife's eyes are but i can back that shit up with several movie franchises i'm just saying i mean you can make wire typing allegations with with less. So, yeah, that's fair. And in how many nicks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Refugee news tonight? If you are not picturing guru porn starring Mr. Owl, you're not the woman I married. I absolutely am the woman you married. Google that and show it to your kids. Google guru porn.

And honestly, that's not going to be bad as this story so yeah right go ahead take a take a break all right so uh pope francis turn of dead babies is real sorry about the way his church encouraged all those massacres in rwanda and sure hopes those tootsies still aren't all pissy about it this comes from a meeting with rwandan president paul kagami on Monday, where the Pope discussed the church's role in the 1994 genocide and asked for forgiveness for, quote, the sins and failings of the church and its members, end quote, which is about as much as you can sugarcoat plotting and carrying out the systematic murder of hundreds of thousands of people unless you

have a cartoon animal saying it. I mean, honestly, Django the Genocidal Jaguar would not be a bad PR move for the church at this point. And we do not have to tell you what Reggie the rabbit would be for. You don't have to because we all obviously get it. It's obvious. But what if somebody asked?

Alright, so let's be clear on what he's asking the Rwandans. Child rape. The rabbit is a rapist. Of children. Because rabbits fuck a lot. No, I get that. I get that. I was still talking about the Pope and what he was asking the Rwandans to forgive the church for. By 1994, the Catholic Church was heavily involved in Rwandan politics,

and a number of prominent bishops and priests were clearly fanning the flames of hatred that would ultimately end in genocide. In fact, without the complicity of Rwanda's Roman Catholic Church, the whole racist Hutu power ideology that facilitated the violence never could have caught on in the first place. Or, or if someone had punched some Hutus, just saying, just saying. Or shot one down in an airplane. How about, huh? Hutu soon. But the point here is that the Vatican knew this and approved of it the whole time.

Then, when the shit really hit the fan, tens of thousands of Tutsi refugees sought refuge in Catholic churches and once those churches were all filled up, they killed them. Right? Often the priests, nuns, and bishops did nothing to dissuade the murderers. But other times they were the murderers.

The Catholic Church wasn't just guilty of looking the other way here. It played a central role in every stage of the genocide. But that's OK, because the pope's real sorry now. Yeah, he's the good pope. Oh, fuck's sake. Honestly, though, the that francis wasn't part of like who to youth that's actually a big step forward for the vatican on like genocide side let's be fair compliment sandwich yeah there you go always a silver lining now it's worth adding

that despite the vatican's undisputed involvement in the genocide they still waited until rwanda asked for an apology and they waited a full five months apparently i get it you want to see if these things blow over oh you're still mad okay fine sorry fine squaresies telling me rush hour isn't easier now exactly you're welcome so for their part the rwandan government called the personal meeting a positive step forward, but also said the apology didn't go far enough. The official statement also included accusations that genocide suspects are still being shielded from justice within Catholic institutions. So, you know, apologizing profusely for something you're still doing seems like a bit of a signature trick for Pope Francis at this point.

Yeah, but if he didn't, then we'd never have gotten to know Alfie the apologetic albatross. Angelo's going to be busy tonight. I just foresee. And in Hippocrates we'll see you shortly news tonight. Oklahoma State

Senator Ralph Shortly See what I did there? Shortly. Who managedald trump's campaign in the state during the gop primaries and more importantly voted in favor of an anti-trans bathroom bill was caught this week in a hotel room and online soliciting sex for money from an underage boy surprise a fucking price so he did think trans people were molesting kids in the bathroom but he was mostly just worried about the competition gotcha yeah the cops show up he's looking through like a elementary school yearbook hey man why do you keep flicking to the right with

your finger it's a book i'm just trying to unstick the pages i swear shortly who looks like he's always trying to convince dr who to go into glorious battle against brianna woo had sanctions imposed on him by the oklahoma state legislature for disorderly behavior i'll say and he'll have his office and executive secretary taken away from him but will still receive his salary and be able to vote as a state senator uh luckily for sanity however the cops are less forgiving of the whole kid fucking thing and he has since been charged with child prostitution and other related crimes yeah well and and leave it to oklahoma to piss me off with which felonies they charged him with specifically. Okay. So all in all, he's facing three felony charges.

Engaging in child prostitution. So far, so good. That's a weird beginning to a sentence. I know. I'm just saying. It's so common. It's just like. Yeah.

Okay. Number two, transporting a minor for prostitution. Seems odd that it's less illegal if you fuck him now rather than wait till you get home the daffy duck defense or whatever but okay i have follow-up questions i was afraid you might and i don't but but finally number three here engaging in prostitution within a thousand feet of a church that's an extra fucking felony within a thousand because when you're near a church and want somebody to fuck you for money, they've got it covered, I guess. Right, yeah. It's like scalping tickets right near the stadium. Except the sport is child raping.

Right. And we subsidize the building more. Yeah. Otherwise similar. You know, I wrote a child raping stadiums joke, but then I remembered Penn State is real, so Torta took the wind out of it. It's bad parenting. That's how that happens.

Right, Eli? Thank you. Thank you. Catching on. I was hoping it. It's bad parenting. That's how that happens. Right, Eli? Thank you. Thank you. Catching on. I was hoping it wouldn't. Just saying. And in tap that ass news tonight. Okay, that's really fucking funny.

You'll get it in a second, but that's really fucking funny. Wait for it. We have some breaking news about the hidden surveillance that Barack Obama set up in the White House to spy on Donald Trump. Get it? tap that ass because he's that's good thank you thank you so according to a pastor who worked for the trump campaign god knew all about the bugging and uh don't worry it's all been taken care of because god told the campaign guy who told mike pence who told trump who told the cia why would the cia be involved

who said that stop asking questions you're banned from the briefing yeah but it was it was like the uh the british cia though it was those guys and also look i know it's not the politics show but can we talk for just a second about how amazing the british intelligence reaction to this claim was like american politicians are like we cannot confirm the president's claim blah blah and the british intelligence agency was just like fuck you well the president fuck you fuck you i just feel like maybe george the in too easy. Believe in yourself, man. Back on that horse. It's not too late. The war's not over.

240-year hiatus. I want a queen. I like the queen. She seems nice. She has a magic stick. Absolutely. She can have our swans. The pastor who alerted everyone to this is Frank Amadia.

He started a group called POTUS Shield after the election, which is a team of prophets and apostles who protect the president from magic using magic. OK. You sully the name of magic, sir. And here's what he said during their last meeting of potus shield quote i saw the vision of a ghost-like figure running around the white house and putting pins in things i said what is it he said they're bugs i said bugs yes so that so, bugs. That's what the guy said back to him. And continuing, God said, it's a ghost, which is an acronym, as you well know,

for a certain intelligence agency, end quote. And no idea what that last part means. Guys who, but was spelled phonetically, open stuff Trump. I believe it's like ground holding operational safety team. I read too much Clancy. Now, I want to point out, this remains the strongest evidence supporting Trump's claims. You know, I'm just saying, this priest, preacher, whatever, has now offered more evidence to the guy who made the claim and is president and launched a congressional investigation into it.

Well, then, based on my dreams, I owe several of our listeners and their pets an apology in alphabetical order. All right. Of the pets. Oh, okay. Archie. Keep going. You've got a long way. Of the pets. Oh, okay. Archie. Keep going. You've got a long way. No.

Bobby. I figured there'd be one before Archie at least. Passes. All right. So we'll do the rest of that list later. Eli. The patrons will get the whole list. All right.

So here's the thing. If this was just some random pastor i guess that's one thing i mean we'd still make fun of him but that's that's like minor but this guy was a hired advisor to trump's campaign who apparently still speaks directly with mike pence right and his title by the way was christian policy liaison that's a real position they had what unlike the fucking reality cultural attache which is not to be a fucking rule you should have to have that oh just noah in all their meetings no no none none of this this whole list none so i guess while we try to figure out who would be qualified to reset the relationship between donald trump and reality and pat ourselves on the back for stopping Eli's pet list before he got to the L's, we're going to pause for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda.

Oh, Lucinda. I was thinking of my cat. Did you just call her my pet? A man wrote the Bible. A horse, which one? If it's a legitimate rape. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun.

Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. You know, I've said it before and I'll say it again. There's nothing worse than a misogynist who thinks they're helping. I can handle the idiot on Twitter who thinks you can hold your period. I can grapple with the thinly veiled rape apology under the guise of skepticism. But fuck, there's nothing like the ones who think they're going to help us little ladies out to grind my gears. First up this week, we'll start with one of the paternalistic capitals of the world, Saudi Arabia, which hosted the first meeting of the Qasem Girls Council.

They even posted photos of the event which did not, by the way, include any fucking women. That's right, in a panel explicitly created to promote women's rights, the photo contained 13 men because the women were all in a separate room and only allowed to speak via video. And while I haven't gotten a chance to hear what the so-called council decided,

it apparently wasn't, hey, you guys want to let the bitches in here to give their opinion? So I'm not optimistic. Speaking of false optimism, I've got a little game for you. I'm going to name an award and you tell me who you think should win it. Ready? Okay. How about okay how about the working for women award go all right so you got it wrong because you're sane and therefore did not think of mike fucking pence the award which is given by the independent women's forum quote recognizes an individual who values free markets works to create a more dynamic and innovative work world and celebrates the valuable contributions women make to society. Now, if you're like me and you know that Pence introduced six pieces of legislations against Planned Parenthood in the six years he was in office,

you're probably wondering which woman was stupid enough to award this dick shiver a Working for Women Award. The answer, of course, is Kell kellyanne conway who just so happens to be on the organization's board surprise surprise surprise and finally tonight fuck donald trump and his puckered orange festering asshole with a 16 ounce can of sulfuric acid turned sideways and fuck every republican that votes for that bullshit health care bill because as much as it's going to suck for everybody who isn't rich, it's going to suck a lot more if that non-rich person also has a vag. Because in addition to eliminating health insurance for 24 million

people, the first thing the bill does is defund Planned Parenthood by name. Think about that. If President Lucinda just said close all the hospitals in Aiken, South Carolina, wouldn't it be damn obvious that what I mean was fuck all the people in Aiken, South Carolina? Well, that's what this means. It means fuck non-rich women. It means fuck women on Medicaid. It means fuck women who rely on Planned Parenthood for their birth control, but also their cancer screenings and their mammograms. for their birth control, but also their cancer screenings and their mammograms. But most of all, it means fuck women. So next year, when it's time to vote again, don't forget to say fuck you back. And while you avoid the image of fucking a Republican, I'll turn you back over to Noah Heath and Eli.

Thank you, Lucinda. And in It's John 316, do you know where your children are news tonight? Jenna and Brian Bentley have been charged with child neglect after failing to call the police when one of their seven children under the age of 10 went missing and stayed missing all night long. Well, there goes their hopes for a reality show. Hold on. I don't know. Seven kids and counting down. I'd watch that on the deep web. I would.

You'd only get a couple of seasons, but it would be good. In an article in the Arizona special that is impossible to understand as someone who grew up Jewish, in March of last year, the child fled the house at 9.15 at night because he didn't want to do his chores. Jana, obviously thinking six was enough, didn't search for the child for 45 minutes. When her husband came home from work, they searched for and failed to find the child until 2 a.m., at which time they prayed about it, received a message from God that their son was safe, and went to fucking

bed. What? Okay. By contrast, I forgot to call my mom yesterday and she sent a SWAT team. I'm also alive. Glean from that what you will. Yeah. And Heath and I are both dead and have been since childhood.

So Q.E.D. Hashtag alternative proof. Twist ending. Just like Bruce Willis. So sadly for dramatic irony, the Bentley's child was also alive and unmolested. Sadly? It's about

principle. It's about principle. And worse still, there's currently a viral Facebook campaign for the couple not to be charged with neglect. I assume led by the scientist Thomas had on Sirius and Queez-Only. Yes, I remember that episode. They're still wrong. They will always be wrong. Forever wrong. Bad parents.

Because overwhelming evidence only counts for theology, medical treatment, and climate change. Right. But not parenting and inauguration crowds. Totally alternative animals. Exactly. Nah, nah, nah. Non-Jews don't get it. And in putting the ache back in daycare news tonight,abama conservatives are fighting valiantly to protect

the rights of christians to hit other people's children with fly swatters and lock them in closets this week because they don't seem to think i can hit a fastball okay but did they mention anything about podcasts hosts christian podcast hosts yeah maybe all right so the most recent front on this battle is a fight over hb 277 a law that would require daycare facilities to follow minimum safety procedures even if they're christian yeah apparently the government's planning to persecute them into not abusing children that's the problem that's here yeah really looking forward to this christian movie go ahead pastor beat the fuck out of my son just chariots of fire starts to play exactly exactly suppose you could call it spare the rods not dead yes he's on zing buyer today again so this bill comes in response

to an article from last year from the center for investigative reporting that detailed a number of christian daycare centers that started out as secular ones lost their license for abuse and or neglect and then just started calling themselves christians so they no longer had to follow any rules because in the state of alabama that's how it fucking works look how christianity is alabama's safe cps has to come by one two three oxen free they run run around, go become Muslim. So in light of this report, which also included the fly swatter and closet details I noted at the outset, state legislators belatedly sought to pass a law that would close this egregious loophole. But since Jesus is more important than kids not being abused, Christian groups around the state are lining up against it. How do you not know you're

the bad guys you must right well how do you think that you're the yeah no i know so for example deborah love the executive director of the eagle forum of alabama complains that quote hb 277 removes religious liberty protections and requires state regulation of religious institutions and that it is quote government overreach into the most important private institution in our state, end quote. Yeah, you'd hope she meant vagina by that, but she definitely did not. Nope. Okay, hear me out. When this law gets defeated, which it will because it's Alabama,

as a publicity stunt, we open a daycare center, it's just a big pot of lava, and we make people like cops escort a kid. Just Andrew in the corner blaming McDonald's. It's going to be great. It was McDonald's

fault. Finally made Eli's Lava Emporium happen. Different way around the side. Well done. And finally tonight, from the seed money file, a new proposed law in Texas would create a $100 fine as punishment for every time a man ejaculates outside of a vagina or outside of a designated medical facility.

It's going to need you to up that picnic. According to my calculations, if the bill gets passed, the state would stand to make approximately a bajillion dollars in revenue every day. But it's so confusing. Like, is it each orgasm or like, you know, if a bit more oozes out on that final pump, do you get another fine? Either way, it's going to suck to be a cop. Jumping out of tissues.

Yes. So I'd say the math definitely checks out, but it's obviously a ridiculous idea. Although, in fairness, it's about equally reasonable to existing laws in Texas that make female reproductive rights absurdly difficult to exercise. Right. That's actually the whole point. The bill was proposed by state representative Jessica Farrar as satire to make fun of the state regulations on abortion. Jessica, I know you're on the right side, but take it from us. This is not a good idea.

This is how you end up with flying spaghetti monster in schools, Jessica. By the way, the language of the bill is fantastic. Jessica Farrar is my new favorite. First of all, it says a doctor would need to verbally review a pamphlet called A Man's Right to Know for anyone who wants a vasectomy, Viagra, or a colonoscopy. And that would include a 24-hour waiting period also exact words an attending physician must administer a medically unnecessary digital rectal exam and mri of the rectum and digital does not mean camera phone no i mean i know that always helps me come but i don't

think that's what she was going for. What? It depends on the phone for me. So that's why you had to do it with your finger in a circle in the olden times. I get it now. Regardless of what happens with the bill, I'm really hoping some celebrities get together and make a series of public service announcements encouraging texan men to help protect unborn lives by starting a cum collection obviously and we're clearly here to help out with that sort of thing so let's go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock ideas for

the psa about saving your sperm to save lives go Go. Give till it spurts. Masturbation. Not even cunts. Ball lives matter. The more you know. Hairy palms across America. Stop masturbation because ball squidge is power. For just the price of a venti cup of coffee each morning,

you can store 20 ounces of cum later that morning. And you get a coffee. Maybe the United Nude Girl Calling Fund? Because a mound is a terrible thing to waste. With Heath's idea, night of too many jars. Andrew's present's going to be fun next year. All right, I got one more. How about donate to the Salvation Army Kettle?

They have a smock for a reason. And I guess with all of us feeling so charitable all of a sudden, it's probably best if we wrap up the headlines here. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Underscore. And when we come back, when we return, we'll peer into a cow's ass and see what kind of geodisy we find there. Are you tired of all the blasphemy on social media?

Do the usual platforms refuse to take your imaginary crime seriously? Then try Cover Your Facebook. Here at Cover Your Facebook, we do things differently, and we make sure that each profile and post meets the standard of every single religion. Going out later for bacon with my bros. Oi, Gewalt! Loving this new red wine. I'm afraid you're going to have to holla at me later. Holla.

I have a face. Have a face my ass, it attack. Using Cover Your Facebook's patented offender algorithm, we make sure no post, picture, or profile ever makes it on our site that contains any content that anyone could find offensive ever cover your facebook there's nothing here all right director comey what do you say to president trump's accusations of wiretapping during the election okay well uh it's obviously clear that the president has made that accusation and and we take this claim very seriously.

At this time, we have not uncovered any data which supports the president's belief. sheds light on the president's position and either validates his stance or suggests that his belief is not currently supportable by the evidence that we were able to date to uncover. Aha. And Nigel Throtbottom of the British Secret Service, the president seems to have made the same claim about your organization. What's your view of that accusation? Well, it's total bullshit, isn't it? I'm sorry?

What? Would you prefer an answer like the riddle of the Sphinx, like you got from Comey the Chameleon over there? I could spin you a line in ass-covering obfuscation if that's what you'd really prefer, but the bottom line is, it's complete fucking bullshit, mate. Well,

Britain has always been a great ally to the United States. Oh, yes, sure. Absolutely we have. We're obviously eternally indebted to you for your help in WW2. You guys really came through for us in that last crucial ten minutes there, didn't you?

And where would Blighty be if you hadn't dropped your little nuclear bomb on essentially the least important part of the entire conflict Really, thanks so much for that one, chaps Cheers Okay, I think we need to Or perhaps you mean when you dragged us off for a jolly in the desert Looking for Saddam Hussein's weaponized latrines

Such a delightful way to blow a few trillion pounds, what? Our troops came home just covered in American stupid. And where were you chaps when Dave decided to distract everyone from that time he porked the porcine by letting the hoi polloi decide whether we should get out of the European old boys club? Next thing we know, we've got Nigel Farage floating down the Thames like yesterday's turd, urging us to fight the tyranny of properly inspected sofa cushions. Fuck me. Well, now, I would say that we and our...

Look, the sanest half of your government put Margaret Thatcher's reanimated corpse into a business suit and floated her as a presidential candidate. You ran a campaign that was more divisive than a Berlin Wall made of Marmite, and as a result, you now have a bright orange psychotic game show host as president. But don't you go thinking you can fucking well drag us down with you. Don't expect us to just lower ourselves onto our own fists the way that you chaps are going to have to do for the next four years just because you've already

pissed off Merkel, who I'm pretty sure knows actual magic and is going to cause all of your crops to die for the next four years. To be perfectly blunt, ally or not, I'd rather stay on my jolly little island while all this blows over than help you people pretend

you didn't make the monumental cock-up of electing a forwarded email as leader of the free world. Director Comey, I'm a Russian spy. Christ. With intellectual powerhouses like the rapper B.O.B., basketball superstar Kyrie Irving, and former boombox genie Shaquille O'Neal all coming out in favor of the flat earth theory, we here at The Scathing Atheist recognize that it's our duty as a podcast that is exactly as influential as those three people combined to set the record straight. So, absenting ourselves from alphabetical order to be the arbiter of this anti-intellectual albatross we ask ourselves how bullshit is it so tell us heath in case anyone kind of zoned out during

that intro what nugget of nonsensical naivety do you have for us today that would be the flat earth theory okay and before we get started just to be safe where is eli now uh no idea probably best okay so he what is flat earth theory that's the theory that the earth is flat okay i'm gonna need a little more to work with here and uh i mean we used carl the pug a peg of corn last week so uh fine fine uh so many ancient cultures subscribe to a flat-earth cosmography. That includes pre-classical Greece, pre-Hellenistic Bronze Age and Iron Age Middle Eastern civilizations,

India up until the Gupta period, and China until the 17th century. Hmm. I'm noticing something of a pattern here. Yeah. Wiping your ass and figuring out we're like on a sphere tend to go hand in hand throughout history. Quite an image. Okay, but now, isn't it true that flat Earth theory was the prevailing scientific view during the Middle Ages?

Actually, it is not. Aristotle provided empirical evidence for the spherical shape of Earth by around 330 BCE. And after that, knowledge of the spherical Earth started to spread beyond the Hellenistic world. Are you sure? I mean, Hieronymus Bosch's Garden of Earthly Delights was painted in the Netherlands in the early 16th century, and it depicts a flat Earth. Sure, sure. But it also depicts lizards fucking their own face with a trumpet.

Yeah, fair point. Yeah, fair point. Yeah, it is. And according to our close personal friend, Stephen Jay Gould, Weird name drop. According to him, in his work called The Late Birth of Flat Earth, he said, quote, there never was a period of flat earth darkness among scholars, regardless of how the public at large may have conceptualized our planet both then and now. Greek knowledge of sphericity never faded, and all major medieval scholars accepted the earth's roundness as an established fact of cosmology, end quote.

Okay, point conceded. But the question remains, why does the ideology hang around today? Why does marsh have so many people to talk to and be reasonable okay so uh modern flat earth societies and their exact origins are a little hard to trace but they're almost certainly religious in nature that's for sure me and captain renault are shocked yeah i said well uh and uh this should be kind of obvious too but uh at a certain point people got to the stars falling out of the sky part of the Bible or the earth spread out before you part of the Koran. And rather than trying to reconcile that with modern scientific knowledge, they just said, fuck it.

This shit is a plate. Oh, sounds about right. OK, so what do modern flat earthers believe? So what do modern flat earthers believe? Well, from what I gather from three episodes of Be Reasonable and a truly exhausting hour and a half on Google, they're divided into two main categories. And those are? Those are the disk theory and the infinite earth theory. Oh, do go on. Okay, well, in one case, we're on a disk that's traveling upwards through space.

Up means the top of the paper, I guess. And we're going up at a rate of acceleration that would simulate gravity. Okay, wait a minute, because that's not a speed. Like you said, that's a rate of acceleration. That's correct. So in less than a year of doing that from a dead stop, we would reach the speed of light. And I mean, what energy source could possibly provide the propulsion? Why would we be able to see further when we were higher up?

Well, those are all great questions. Is that all I'm going to get? That is all they have. Okay. All right. But what about the edges of the earth? I mean, wouldn't we have seen pictures of those by now? They actually do have an answer for that. It turns out that what you know as the continent of Antarctica is actually a giant wall of ice. Okay. So these guys think Game of Thrones is closer to reality than Cosmos.

Pretty much. All right. But OK, what's on the other side of the wall? It's not super clear. Some of them say it's just space. Others say it's more flat Earth. Really? Yeah.

OK, but what about the sun and the moon? I mean, why would there be time zones or seasons or night and day? Well, I'm so glad you asked, Noah. That's because according to flat earth theory, the sun and moon are much closer to the earth than you think. They're actually in the atmosphere. I feel like that'd be real warm. Nope. Nope.

Turns out the sun is just medium warm. Oh, I see. It's more like a spotlight than a giant ball of nuclear fusion. Warm, but not enough to burn you. Medium. And where the spotlight isn't shining, it's night there or winter or something. Seriously? Yep.

Okay. All right. So just for the record here, like for non-insane people, what shape is the earth? That would be an oblate spheroid. And how do we know that? Because we have pictures of it.

And how do flat earthers explain those? They say we weren't big fans of Russia at the time. But I mean, we're not the only ones with pictures. Russia also has pictures. They weren't big fans of Russia at the time. But, I mean, we're not the only ones with pictures. Russia also has pictures. They weren't big fans of us at the time also. And India? They hate everybody always. All right, all right, all right.

So what kind of evidence do they use to support these preposterous claims? Well, first up, the argument from, I'm not flying off the earth right now i should not have to ask but uh how does that one work well at the equator the earth spins at over a thousand miles an hour and if you stand on something and then you sped it up to a thousand miles an hour you'd fall off or at least you'd fall over i mean sure but if earth suddenly started spinning we'd all fall over i mean constant rates of speed have to be familiar to these people don't they you didn't ask me for good arguments you asked me for flat earther arguments okay fair enough what else do they have okay let's try the argument from the flat horizon so um you ever

notice that no matter how high you go, as long as it's not above 35,000 feet, the horizon always looks flat? I have noticed that. Well, it seems like you're expecting a follow-up, but that's the whole thing. Oh, it's okay. But like, I mean, like the highest humans ever travel

in their day-to-day lives is about like eight and a half miles off the Earth's surface. And the Earth's diameter is almost 8,000 miles. So we're talking about two-tenths of a percent further away from the center here. Yeah. And I'm sure you could easily explain that geometry to Shaquille O'Neal, the rapping genie boombox guy. All right. But I mean, Shaq has money.

It doesn't cost much to buy a GoPro and a weather balloon and see that curvature for yourself. Well, obviously, GoPro is in on it, too. I see. As is big weather balloon. Of course. Of course. Yes. All right.

Well, I guess the only question left to ask is how bullshit is it? That would be Eli eats bacon cheddar hummus. Excellent. He thanks so much what are you guys doing in here? nothing how bullshit is it without me again? well last time you did promise to

cure Lyme disease with your dick yeah you see how bad it's gotten because you haven't let me do I mean, he does have a point there. No, absolutely not. And I hear that point can cure Lyme disease. No, it can't.

I view ReasonCon as a controlled experiment. I volunteer as control. I hate you guys. Skeptic. Oh my god, how is that happening? Again, right? I know. Hey guys, what you doing?

Noah, check this out. No look, behind the back, the earth is flat. Bingo. Holy shit, how the fuck did you do that? Dude, the earth is flat. What? Yeah, turns out thinking the earth is flat makes you really good at basketball. Dug time.

Oh, my God. Wait, what? It's true. I didn't believe it either. But after Kyrie Irving, Shaq, and a bunch of other basketball players came out as flat earthers, it's just become so obvious, you know? Three-pointer. Oh, okay, guys. No. out as flat earthers it's just become so obvious you know three-pointer oh okay guys no that is not the case the earth is round yeah i don't know man i think it's like a psychological thing like once the curvature of the earth isn't a factor you just get out of your

head you know guys believing the earth is flat does not make you better at basketball oh really well then how come all these guys think the earth is flat yeah i mean what else could all of those public figures who think the earth is flat have in common uh uh yeah yeah thinking the earth is uh flat makes you better at basketball i knew it five pointer not not a thing ah ran out of basketball words before we power down the zoom tonight i wanted to thank brother brewer from the skeptics brew pub podcast for inviting lucinda and me to hang out with him on monday had a lot of fun chatting about politics feminism and neo-paganism. If you'd like to get in on that conversation,

we'll have a link on the show notes for this episode. I also need to remind you that you can pick up your e-book copy of Diatribes, Volume 2, 50 More Essays from a Scathing Atheist by following the link on those very same show notes. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long,

be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday. And if even that's too long to wait, you have a bit of an issue and you should probably see somebody about that. But in the meantime, you can also like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter. Obviously, the show would fall apart in Act 3 if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for all the words saying, Lucinda Lucens for all the thought thinking, Eli Bosnick for all the stuff doing, and all the listeners that forgive me for occasionally powering through this part of the outro because there are only so many ways you can thank the same three people week after week also want to thank manuel for providing this week's farnsworth quote if you like your mormonism in spanish you'll find his podcast linked on the show notes for this episode as well but most of all of course i need

to thank this week's most you hemorrhage you carry oats louise matthias wrong verb the infamous molly coddle cameron adam aaron richard dawkins don maxwell evan and mark louise matthias wrong verb and the infamous molly coddle whose high school yearbooks cut to the chase and just named him the most superlative Cameron, Adam, Aaron, and Richard Dawkins, whose IQs are so high they got promoted to JRs and Don, Maxwell, Evan, and Mark, whose orgasms give blizzards dumping lots of white stuff on people envy. Together these 12

selfless, helpful, healthful, and slightly less wealthful heathens helped us shelve the drivel of hell this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the audacity, capacity, tenacity, vivacity, and perspicacity it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an

extended ad-free edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you're still saving up for that doggy in the window, you can also help us out a ton by leaving a five-star review on iTunes and by telling your pastor about the show. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of p andrew torres and our audio engineer is morgan clark who also wrote all the music used in this

episode which was used with permission if you have questions comments or death threats you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com the only three terms that you consistently capitalize correctly in your notes, Eli, Anna, and Carl the Pug-a-Peg-a-Corn. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.