The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 215: 1.21 Jigawatt Edition

Episode Date: March 30, 2017

In this week’s episode, Dunning Freddy Krueger will rise again to haunt our nightmares, we examine the role of desserts in deciding how much you enjoy a penis, and we’ll somehow manage to be bored by a holy book to the third power. Diatribes Volume 2 is available now! Ebook: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R Paperback: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1520897952?ref=pe870760_150889320 To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Guest Links: To check out the Podunk Polymath Podcast, click here: https://thepodunkpolymath.com/ Headlines: Pat robertson says god is gonna give trump the health care win: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/25/pat-robertson-on-thursday-god-is-going-to-give-trump-victory-with-the-gop-health-care-bill/ Pope ranked 3rd in Fortune’s list of “greatest leaders” http://religionnews.com/2017/03/23/pope-francis-ranks-third-among-fortunes-greatest-leaders/ We do not fear death because we are the daywalkers http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/25/study-finds-that-atheists-just-like-the-devoutly-religious-dont-fear-death/ Lance Wallnau knows a man who turned from gay to straight after eating anointed cake: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/22/pastor-lance-wallnau-i-know-a-gay-man-who-turned-straight-because-he-ate-anointed-cake/ http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/lance-wallnau-claims-milo-yiannopoulos-in-the-name-of-jesus-for-the-kingdom-of-god/ This Week in Misogyny: Ultra-orthodox jews crop smurfette out of promotional poster: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/28/ultra-orthodox-jews-who-cant-handle-images-of-women-cropped-the-female-smurf-out-of-movie-posters/ OK State rep defends anti-abortion bill: “Rape and incest are the will of god.” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/23/in-defense-of-anti-abortion-bill-oklahoma-state-rep-declares-rape-and-incest-the-will-of-god/ Muslim women in India seek abolition of “say the magic word” instant divorce law: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/27/muslim-women-in-india-want-the-supreme-court-to-end-say-the-magic-word-instant-divorces/

Warning, this podcast uses explicit language. And if that's the thing about this show that gets you angry, you really need to reconsider your outrage priorities. This week's episode, The Scathing Atheist, is brought to you by our Pope Francis Physical Description Contest. Today's winner is Tom Jones, who had Droopy Dog Got Dosed With Joker Toxin. Well played, Tom Jones.

You gotta be careful when you party with Heath Ledger. So keep tweeting us your favorites using the hashtag Popescave, and you could be our next winner. And now, Skating Ape History. I'm Chris from the Podunk Polymath Podcast, and we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men, unless you're from the South, in which case, we didn't come from no damn apes.

It's Thursday. It's March 30th. And wooey Christians who thought about rape was too long for iTunes. No illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. I'm from New York, New York. Secret Lair, Pennsylvania.

This is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, Dunning Freddy Krueger will rise again and haunt our Facebooks. We examine the role of desserts in deciding how much you enjoy a penis. And we'll somehow manage to be bored by a holy book to the third power. First, the diatribe. I spent an unhealthy amount of my life planning for time travel. No idea why. Pretty sure traveling into the past is physically impossible, and if it isn't, I'm definitely not going to be the person that time NASA picks to represent the people of the 21st century. And yet my mind constantly wanders to what-if scenarios that involve me finding myself in the past. And much of the time there seems to be some kind of urgency in those thoughts. Like, I better be ready just in case.

Right, like, take language, for example. Language changes over time, and the less literate people are, the quicker it changes. So even if you send me back to an English-speaking location, I don't think I could go back more than a couple of centuries before there was a significant language barrier. And even though this question could legitimately compete for worst possible thing to waste your

time considering, I still worry about that shit. But the time travel question my nomadic train of thought spends the most time ambling down is the what could I teach them one? I mean, think about that, right? Even a moderately educated person from an industrial society today could teach the most

brilliant person in the world of 1917 quite a fucking bit kind of an empowering thought especially if you're racked with the kind of intellectual inferiority complex that informs my every word choice i mean imagine walking into a college a hundred years ago we're not talking about the distant past here we're talking about a few years before my wife's grandma was born but even in that geological eye blink the scope of human knowledge has advanced so far you could walk into every single department and instigate a half dozen breakthroughs in an

afternoon you know and i don't have to assume some crazy high education level to make this work average american with a high school education could do this shit now think about plate tectonics they didn't have that shit sorted out in 1917 whole field of science dealing with rocks and they hadn't really pinned down where mountains come from. Now, you might not know enough about plate tectonics to give them all the details, but even a half-remembered Nat Geo special would be enough to get the great geological minds of the early 20th century on the right track. In 10 minutes, you could unlock the secrets of mountain formation,

you could explain earthquakes, teach them about subduction zones, explain areas of high volcanic activity, and validate the theories of continental migration. And that's assuming you really don't even know what you're talking about. If you're a geologist, you could put them a full hundred years ahead. You can walk into the astronomy department and tell them what quasars are and where they'd find the first exoplanets. You can walk into the biology department and say, it's called DNA and it's a double helix, motherfuckers. You can walk into the school of medicine and tell them about penicillin you walk into the theology department and tell them

all kinds of cool stuff about astronomy biology and medicine right one department's immune from this example isn't it because even if i went back to what a complete compendium of all human knowledge i wouldn't have any great advancements in theology to disclose you know no important discovery that could set them ahead a hundred years no experimental design i could offer up to push the knowledge of god into the silicon age is an academic discipline immune from advancement i mean look even the non-truth based disciplines would be able to benefit in some ways from our theoretical time traveler right at literature visual arts, they're not whittling away at fundamental truths about the world. But if we could show them all the literary styles and artistic forms and stuff that came over the next hundred years,

they'd at least have a bunch of new ideas. They'd at least walk away from the meeting with more than they walked into it with. And they freely admit that there's no definite progress in their fields. But theology pretends to be studying a real thing you know they pretend that there's a thing called god and that they're looking into it and yet nothing that has happened in the past hundred years would even matter to a discussion of the world's preeminent theologists in 1917 i mean historical and scientific discoveries would undermine their discipline quite a bit so they could get some advance warning to get their resumes out and stop taking new students.

But there's no way the field itself moves forward. There's no way it could move forward. There's no next step to take when you're not starting off anywhere in particular. We're talking about an academic discipline that has contributed nothing to our modern understanding of the world. It has contributed nothing

to our artistic interpretation of the world. If it weren't for its tendency to hamstring other disciplines, it wouldn't even garner a mention in the last century of human advancement. And despite that, Harvard, Princeton, and Yale sully their good names with whole divinity schools. They offer all the real degrees plus that one. In fact, the U.S. has well over 200 accredited theological schools. That is significantly more theology schools than law schools, by the way. Only like 203 of those and way more than medical schools. That stands at about 125.

But, you know, what the hell has medicine ever done for us? And, you know, look, I get that people with theology degrees occasionally contribute to other fields, you know, and might help make advancements in history or textual criticism or ethics etc but eli's fuck away your lyme disease business occasionally results in orgasms too it doesn't exactly justify the business model we're talking about whole colleges devoted to something that is at its most benign completely useless and let's be fair it's rarely at its most benign and to demonstrate that all we have to do is go back to our little time travel experiment, because we've been focusing on all this stuff that I could teach people if I went 100 years back. But imagine if I could go 500 years back,

what could I teach them? Well, the answer is nothing, because as soon as I tried, some religious motherfucker would tie me to a stick and set me on fire. See, the problem with theology isn't just that it doesn't advance. It's that it does its damnedest to keep everything else from advancing too. Advancement threatens its very being. So pretty much all of it had to happen despite a theological counterweight. We had to reach a certain level of a-religious before we could achieve a certain level of knowledge. And if the steady stream of advancement of human knowledge that we've seen over the last few centuries ever hits a wall, I can guarantee that religion will be the mortar holding that motherfucker together they're talking about you

joining me for headlines tonight are the abbott and costello of atheism heath ed right and eli bosnick fellas who gets the cancer and who gets the fatal heart attack? Well, according to MetLife, the answer is Eli. That's true. That's true. The medical term is Oreos for blood. Go veganism. Blood type is triple stuff. All right.

So moving on to headlines in our lead story tonight. From the anal P-Robes file. We haven't had that one in a while. Exciting. Host of the 700 Club and melty forehead flavor ice cream cone, Pat Robertson. Wait, wait, wait. He tastes like melty forehead? Exactly. Yes.

Yeah, of course. Okay. I get it. Yeah. I do get it. You do get it. Okay. So Pat Robertson made a big prediction about the future of American health care during his show last week.

Oh, how'd that go? Yeah. So according to P-Rubs, get excited. The GOP's attempt at a bill to replace Obamacare was definitely going to pass last week. Yeah. And that's because God wanted to give Donald Trump a victory. Well, first he wanted to give Trump a two-month losing streak. Well, yeah, now that he's all humbled.

Trumpy, Trumpy, Trumpy. For those who don't know, that's a part of American history where we elected the wrong president. Part of him. Should have known his limitations. I didn't hate the game show host. I did. Just in case anyone has not been following the story, Robertson did not get this one right.

If you're keeping score at home, you still won't need to make that second column yet. Just take another look at the one you've been using. Because less than 24 hours after the big prediction from P-Robes, Paul Ryan had to pull the bill before the House even voted. Also, Robertson seemed to think the House is the same thing as the Senate. So, actually, give him two marks in the wrong column. The column.

The column. Give him another mark. Talking about a man who probably does worse than chance when asked about binary personal opinions. Right? Like he gets paper or plastic wrong, is what I mean. Jowls. You know, I'm picturing him chipmunking his way through the grocery store, and I mean. Jowls. You know, I'm picturing him chipmunking his way through the grocery store and I will never be unhappy again. Fuck the diatribes all up.

And speaking of people with only one column, Donald Trump is also batting about 200 points below the Mendoza line of 200 points. Wait, do baseball players steal each other's jokes? Is this a thing I missed out on? That's Mencia. Oh, okay. Sorry. Similar Latino name. In baseball terms, below the Mendoza line by 200 points, that means he's a complete failure.

Yes. Or in political terms, we would say a complete failure. And while we're on the subject of complete failures, let's not forget that the god of the universe couldn't whip the votes he needed to make poor people die faster. That's what he wanted. It's not great. But in fairness, he did manage to create a bill he couldn't pass. So that's like a rock. Yeah, we finally have an answer for that. God is no Francis Underwood.

But now I'm just picturing him summoning like Louie Gohmert to a mountaintop in a dream and he's like, three words, Louie. Sorghum grain subsidies? Texas. Sean Spicer's up there too. I'm sorry, I heard gum.

I heard gum. I heard gum. And in rhymes with third news tonight, Pope Fran, sorry about all the dead tutus, ranked third on a recent list of fortune's greatest leaders this week. Third. Really? But wait, wait, before you get mad. No, not really. Okay, rude.

I said wait. The first was? Senator Palpatine. Ooh, ooh, close in physical appearance, but no. No, it was Theo Epstein, president of the Chicago Clubs. Fuck him. I was close. I hate that guy.

He's so good at his job. God damn it. Right. I hate that guy. He's so good at his job. Right. So the standard of the job, or at least being the greatest leader of the world, was sucking any amount less than the guy before you. And in that sense, I would say he is third best at that. But only third, like whoever that guy was, whoever the guy who was Fuhr fewer after hitler was probably number two we're thinking about it uh i think that was churchill it was churchill either way i feel like mike pence is getting like pre-snubbed here somehow yeah i mean don't worry

about it he's too busy getting his nose cut off to really make the voldemort look happen to be bothered by this stuff but i appreciate you looking out i like biden and while the magazine made mention of pope france's everyone's still mad about the kid fucking things willingness to acknowledge that gays women who get abortions and people who get divorces can feel incredibly sorry and get into heaven it was his quote critique of capitalism without conscience that ensures his enduring influence end quote well i guess bernie's llc didn't apologize for raping kids enough hard to figure out the exact criteria other guys who also do that and don't rape kids if it was mercyside skeptics should have been top five that's all i'm saying top five kids yes that they apologize high quality five top high quality yes so again just to

reiterate the man who lives in a golden city built on the backs of dying ignorant masses encouragement of business leaders not to edge in on his territory makes him the third greatest leader in the world yeah in the world he was down from one from two years ago right yeah right exactly am i allowed to get upset now am i allowed to admit how grossly i overestimated how long the image of fucking pat robertson putting groceries in his gels was going to keep me happy i'm still happy about his message of compassion to all those fucking poor people in the overpopulated aids ravaged parts of the world that don't have enough condoms it's his work on behalf of those people you know that's what rates him above melinda gates angela merkle john mccain and shakira she's on lots lot of working early childhood education. She deserves

her spot. She doesn't harbor serial child rapists. A lot of stuff to like there. Also, her performance in Zootopia. Breathtaking. Right. Let's see the fucking Pope top that. No voice. Hey, it's a me. I'm a rabbit. Now, don't

fight other rabbits. Maybe I didn't see that movie. when reach for comment about the kid raping toilet tanks full of dead babies genocide and nazi gold ford said quote yeah we're bad guy magazine what did you expect and quote and then drop me down a trap door into a tank of piranhas luckily the rancor was injured at the moment. And while Eli recounts his harrowing tale of escape for the patrons, we'll take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible?

A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate rancor. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Massage. It's nice when the Abrahamic fs all line up in the same week to remind me that they all deserve every ounce of shit we give them. Now, obviously, I tend to focus on Christian misogyny because that's the kind that most directly threatens me and most of our listeners.

But it's not like they're even the industry leaders. But it's not like they're even the industry leaders. So we'll start off this week in Israel, where the Jews have continued their long and proud tradition of photoshopping vaginas out of history this week. And dare I say, they may have outdone themselves. I've talked in the segment before about the time they removed Hillary Clinton from the Situation Room photo after the raid that killed bin Laden. And the time they wiped Angela Merkel out of the pictures of the Charlie Hebdo march. And most recently, we talked about the lady-free version of the IKEA catalog offered to vagifobic Jews. Well, it turns out that not even Smurfette is immune to their childish bigotry. According to an article on the Friendly Atheist blog, posters for the upcoming Smurfs, The Lost Village,

will exclude the blonde-haired, blue-skinned harlot. The Lost Village will exclude the blonde-haired, blue-skinned harlot. Focus Films elected to voluntarily remove the image so as not to send young, ultra-Orthodox men into riotous orgy of unrestrained smurf lust. Because they've long since given up on being taken seriously. But of course, I've got a Christian here that makes that seem downright benign. You may have seen the story of Oklahoma State Representative George Fault. Yes, Fault. So this asshole has a bill, HB 1549, that would outlaw abortion in the case of genetic abnormality. Find out your kid is going to be born inside out, live for eight hours in unspeakable pain, and then die? Well, tough shit, little lady, because George Fault is pretty sure God

wouldn't do that to a kid without a pretty good reason. But the part of his defense that garnered the bulk of the media attention last week was the part where he applied the same logic to cases of rape and incest. When asked if he thought rape was the will of God, Fott answered, quote, well, you know, if you read the Bible, there's actually a couple circumstances where that happened. The Lord uses all circumstances. I mean, you can go down that path, but it's a reality, unfortunately, end quote. So in summary, yes, God's crazy rapey. And to wrap up tonight, I've got a double whammy for you. It's out of India and it's about Muslim women.

So there's pretty much no way for this not to be misogynistic. So as it turns out, in India, they take the Quranic divorce laws pretty seriously. You literally just have to say your wife looks like your mom's ass and you're divorced. The technical term is declaring talaq. You say that word three times like you're summoning beetle juice and poof, you're divorced. No courts, no contracts, and 95% of the time that a divorce happens this way, no child support either. I probably don't have to point out that this rule only applies for men who want to instantly dissolve their marriage, but I did anyway. Fortunately, a number of human

rights organizations in India are pressing the nation's Supreme Court to abolish the practice because in a country that's pretty sketchy on women's rights and Muslim rights, these suddenly unexpectedly divorced mothers don't have a lot of options. So now that I've got you good and depressed, my work here is done, and I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in dead wrong news tonight, according to a new meta-analysis published in the journal Religion, Brain, and Behavior, atheists and extremely religious people rate basically the same when it comes to not fearing death. Let me say that again for the people in the back. Atheists who entirely accept their mortality and recognize that death is final fear death

to the same degree as people who say they're absolutely certain death is a portal to an infinite paradise compared to which a century-long orgasm would seem like a mildly tasty cracker my results were thrown out looking forward to death threw off the median sorry everyone sorry sorry and uh i'm looking forward to eating crackers later well that's the whole point right this revelation has of course led many to wonder how this could possibly be true unless religious people were utterly and inexcusably conscious of how full of shit they were. Hasn't led anybody to answer that question, but it's prompted a lot of folks to ask. Anyway, to be fair, most experts interpret this as a product of certainty.

Atheists and devoutly religious people score relatively low on fear of death indices, and moderately religious people and agnostics rate fairly high. So the relationship is clearly one between anxiety and uncertainty. That being said, it's worth harping on the fact that eternal paradise and worm shit are equally good at reducing that

anxiety. Yeah, this would be like people equally looking forward to our New York City live show and the eternal silence of death. Way to slip. Hey, what's up, Eli? You been working on your vision board? Hey, at least I have a vision board. What do you want, Heath? What do you want? I said already, crackers later. So I want to add a few caveats here, right? Because this is a meta-analysis and you always have

to take those with a grain of salt since you know they're trying to mesh data collected with wildly different protocols vegan blood cures cancer for example now on top of that virtually all of the data came from american subjects and the only religions that they were dealing with were the abrahamic ones so these results are far from like universally applicable, but they apply to pretty much everybody who might be listening to our show. And one way or the other, they're a knife in the heart of the whole like religion makes death easier to deal with bullshit that even atheists often offer up as like a defense of faith. Yeah, I don't understand how it's comforting to pretend your loved ones are ignoring you. Like I have a disappointed Jewish parent. Why would I want to extend that?

I don't. My parents love me. You should have played more sports. Or been better. I'll have you know polo is the sport of kings. You should have been better at polo then. And finally tonight, from the build a wall now file, we've got two big announcements from right wing pastor

and ruggedly attractive man who kind of fucks up this part of the format, Lance Wallnow. Wall, build a wall now, crush it. No, I got it. Anyway, I'll give you guys the option. Would you like to hear about alt-right pedophile sympathizer Milo Yiannopoulos or conversion therapy dessert foods? Those are the two options.

Tough call. So we have, on the one hand, rusty trombone appetite, or my low point in your life, suicide, sure would show us Yiannopoulos and to me, Milo, it's the only way. Either of them lend themselves to pithy pun work so I'm going to have to leave this to Eli. Tough call. Okay I do need to balance the blog where I admitted he's human so let's

pin the tail on the transphobe. Well I'm sorry but we were looking for C none of the above. Yes we were. But unfortunately this segment isn't quite over so we're going to talk about both of those things despite the correct answer being don't do that no uh okay so first the milo thing last week

pastor wall now praised milo for quote exposing the tyranny and fascist spirit behind the progressive left end quote and uh just to review the the pastor's talking about, I guess, the tyrannical fascism of the don't rape kids movement. That's the one. Which is liberal and progressive, apparently. So checkmate us, I guess. It's definitely anti-religious. God, religious people say such stupid stuff.

Can you imagine being part of a community like that? It must be so embarrassing for religious people to have their leadership say such reductionary, obviously untrue bullshit about the left. God, so good to be an atheist. So great. Are you crying? We're supposed to be the good guys. It was so easy. We didn't even have a god to blame

yeah so uh that ended up leading to uh pastor wall now declaring he's claiming milo in the name of jesus what whatever that means and uh it sounds weirdly similar to a person choosing the pedophile publicist on the playground for kickball that's because it was pretty much exactly that i'm not making this up walnau's next sentence was red rover red rover call milo over that's real wow that's what he said next and by the way if you contrast that with the way that's usually phrased you'll see he's reinforcing the message that it's okay to be gay as long as you don't come it's okay milo defend that position at his next lecture if only someone would debate him all right well that leaves us with the big news about what to serve

gay people after dinner if you want to have some heterosex with them later. Ooh, advice for reason. And the answer is not roofies. It's conversion therapy cake. Cheaper. I'll explain. According to the pastor, a group of prostitutes got saved and decided they wanted to help out

the gay owner of the bar where they sold sex for money that lance wall now knows detailed stories about right and um refused to mention the name of just saying no he did not mention the name. So they baked the guy a cake and did penis vagina prayers over it, I guess. And when he ate it, the guy got taken over by the power of God and became straight. Wow. That's the story. Sounds legitimate. Unnamed bar. Okay.

Well, if there's cake that makes you straight, we're going to need some of the opposite to get all the gay people back. So let's put 30 seconds on the clock. Ideas for the gay brothel with gay-inducing desserts. Go. Fruitcake. Obviously. It's too easy. Ho-hos.

There's the cream filling. About Nestle whorehouse cookies. Just the chip. Just for a second. Let's see how it feels. Well, we're coming in through the Christian, so how about condemn brulee? Ooh, chocolate poos cake.

Bored jello pudding pops? Well, and thanks to the Washington State Supreme Court, we can't use lac floris gateau anymore so i've got nothing i've got to bow out uh at least the b cup cakes all right how about uh the best little s'more house in texas les's s'more two girls one cupcake yeah we had to get we had to get that in there there we go

now that the two ladies have gargled, I suppose we can close out the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Eli's wedding band is from sales. Oh. Never. Never. Racial slurs.

No. No. It's lies. It's lies. Don't listen to him. He's covering up his child bride. He's covering up for his child bride. And when we come back,

we'll try to rehash the holy babble jokes we made about Isaiah in this week's Book of Morons and hope you don't notice. He did, though. A different outro. I'll freely admit that the post-Quranic sense of elation that we got when we realized the Book of Mormon had stories in it has started to lose its luster. After a couple of promising chapters of comically homicidal brothers and early-onset Alzheimer's God, we've settled into an early 19th century charlatan who underestimated how much new shit you need to equal a book and i'd say in many ways the suffering really began this week when we made our way through 13 verses of and then isaiah said uh if the next book is just like

nephi reading the quran i'm gonna quit but, but Mormonism is the best prank ever. Right. Well, we're going to power through anyway. And to do that, I'm going to need the help and moral support of my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back. Happy to be here, but mostly because being here means I've already read all this dumb shit. Yeah, right. So when we last left our heroes, Jacob was copying off Isaiah's homework and filling pages with shit that's already written down elsewhere. And that's all he's going to do for 13 more fucking chapters. And again, he's predicting history and getting it wrong. Joe Smith decided to copy the part of the Old Testament that says there's going to be no more wars in the Middle East here.

Any minute now. Now that Kushner's on it. I just feel like he should have picked a more likely book of prophecy. You know, like the one where the stars fall out of the sky and there's sword mouth Jesus. That's a better one. And then we get a quick reminder about the white power theme. Basically, just in case the Old Testament wasn't clear on this, they want to remind you. Well, it was, but they're going to say it anyway.

No fucking the brown people. You're going to want to fuck the brown people, but don't. Yeah. White genocide isn't funny. Joseph Smith and Twitter. Yep. And then he goes right back to that. remember when i said don't fuck the brown people like a second ago quick thing on that uh they have a bunch of golden horses and stuff

so if you're like you know pillage fucking on that but otherwise you know gross don't and if you want a great example of what a wordsmith Joey isn't, verse 9 of chapter 12, he's explaining what's so evil about the brown people. And he says, quote, and the mean man boweth not down, end quote. That's all he's got. The mean man. It's like getting cussed out by a seventh grader speaking a second language. And that's the turn, right? He's like, well, sure, they've got a lot of gold and treasure

and impressive members and they're better at sports than us, but they're not very nice a lot of times. That's my new professional wrestler name, Mean Man Martin, and I ain't never been pinned, and it's gay porn. I'm sorry. Well, then you have to have been pinned. And this is also where it says that all the dudes who keep beating you at golf and chess and poker. And Mario Kart.

And Kart, yeah. Lucas Brothers. Well, God's going to fuck them up pretty soon. Good. And if anyone named Joe ever says for any reason that the sun was in his eyes, like during chess, for example, then he's telling the truth, and he gets do-over. I want to watch a tennis match between Kim Jong-un,

Muhammad, and Joseph Smith. Everyone has a million points, and there are 95 fouls. There are points, too. Right. Then he pads his verse count by listing all of the high up things he can think of. He does.

He's like, people who are high will be brought low. People who are high like towers and mountains and hills and treetops and giraffes and water slides. And, yeah. Scrapers and shit. Yeah. Right. And when God finally gets mad at the not Joe people, they're all going to run in—do I have this right? They're all going to run into mountain caves and then give away their gold statues to the moles and the bats?

That's what he says. Well, first they're going to stop home and grab their gold collection. And then the cave thing with most of that's figured a bunch of moles. Like, I'm sure it's lovely. I'm blind, of course, but I'm sure it's quite nice. I didn't get you. I didn't know we were doing a thing. No one told me about this. I don't read.

No, it's great. I do like it. Where did you get it? No, I like calves. I like calves. I like calves. And then it's off to chapter 13 where we can listen to more of Jacob's book report on Isaiah. And it starts with yet more people that are going to get what's coming to them when God gets home.

Included in that list, by the way, is the eloquent orator. So, yeah, Joey's been doing this long enough to be angry at people who can word right. I get it. Those people can be actually very judgy. You can't take them anywhere nice to eat. Well, just a single place where they'll serve you a Coke without asking you to settle for an organic carbonated root cleanse. I'm just thinking maybe one of those

one time and maybe we... She was willing to juice the root at the table. At the table. Back to the prophecy from Joe Smith. This is where it says that one of the punishments from God for the Jewish people is going to be

baby tyrants? Like the most adorable enslavement ever? Bring forth my animal quackers. Yeah, what a crazy, unbelievable claim. Childish baby tyrants.

I don't want to do this anymore. Damn right! Also part of the prophecy, shitty people are going to be annoyingly proud of themselves. Like, woe unto thee, I plague thee

with the Dunning-Kruger effect. Maybe we do the Bible again, huh? Thomas Cecil did Big Best Secret. That guy's not right. Apparently it'll get so bad at this point that just not being naked will qualify you for kingship. Okay, guys, stop. Stop.

We should stop. All right. All right. Well, here's one that's definitively wrong. I want to point out the sheer stupidity of this endeavor. Okay. When Isaiah wrote the prophecy that said Judah would never fall, it hadn't fallen yet. But when Joseph Smith copied it back down into his book, it had.

So you're doing, you could have put an asterisk in there or something, maybe. And it also says that nobody's going to be able to hide their sins. It's going to show on every man's face that they've sinned as badly as the guys in sodom is what it says so just a review that means you either tried to gang rape two angels or you gave your daughters to that gang of rapists that wanted to gang rape two angels so what do you think that face looks like sheepish grin well when i read it I was picturing a face tattoo of two dudes fucking. That's better. And you promised that has nothing to do with my new face tattoo.

I made no such promise. Neither did I. And as if the baby tyrants were bad enough, in verse 12, we learned that even women will rule over them. Ew, gross. Ugh, finally. One of the prophecies didn't come true. Good. Did it say anything about those women's emails?

No, it didn't say anything in there at all. Although that wouldn't be the most anachronistic thing that shows up in this book. Also, more of that great wordsmithry here. Verse 15. What mean ye? Ye beat my people to pieces and grind the faces of the poor.

Keep in mind he can't hide behind translation here. He's just that bad at sentences. Also, if you're wondering why your Jewish girlfriend's head is bald and scabby, I'm sure everybody was thinking about that. You'll be glad to hear it's probably

because her neck wasn't slouchy enough while walking in public. Point being, subservient posture is the rule. And now maybe she'll learn. Yeah. That's what God's going to do to fix it. Fuck that, dude. And as I'm reading this shit, I can imagine every frame of Joseph Smith's YouTube channel. He's talking about how all the women are too haughty

and walk around in their little outfits just begging for it. And that's why God's going to give them scab head for, you know, all the haughtiness. And the neck thing. Yeah, exactly. And again, this is such blatant verse padding, right? He literally lists all the lady stuff he can think of

in multiple verses. Verse 19, and the chains and the bracelets and the mufflers. Verse 20, and the chains and the bracelets and the mufflers. Verse 20, and the bonnets and the ornaments of the leg, whatever the fuck that means. And the headbands and the tablets and the earrings. Verse 21, and the rings and the nose. We get it,

bro. Right already. Which brings up the very real question, who did Joseph Smith know with a nose ring? Also, he wraps all of this up with, and everyone will smell bad. It's like doing Mad Libs with a kid with emotional problems. Just like, ah, butts again, huh? Okay.

Now I know why you needed a big brother. You're not a big brother, are you? No, I got rejected. Oh, good. Oh, good. That was like an all right i feel better so moving on to chapter 14 uh this is about when everyone's supposed to get redeemed on the millennial day not sure what that would mean in like 550 bce counting up to zero all excited about doing AD and then you get 400. Like what?

And on that day thou will be unable to. You literally won't. Clap hands. Clap hands. Clap hands. And I guess it's meant to be a threatening part here. Not really sure. It says that seven women

are going to grab one dude and and then promise to pay for all their own shit and all ask to be called by his name is is that a bad thing threat yeah i never understood the isaiah curse about how seven women baking one dude's bread uh i mean i i get how that's a curse for women that kitchen would be so fucking crowded and you couldn't do anything. But it seems like a good deal for the guys. I'm just saying. I don't think they'll mind. As someone whose wife watched three seasons of Great British Bake Off and made him eat the results of her experiments, the following three days, I would like to say you are all fools.

She does not listen to this show. she does not listen to this show and then from there we learn that all of jerusalem is going to get engulfed in a giant fireball but but like in a good way yeah force field right yeah exactly and it won't even be too warm like there'll be plenty of shade from the giant firewall under the tabernacle right and the firewall will also apparently burn off all the stank from the pussy of the daughters of Zion. So, good looking out.

And then, okay. Help me out on chapter 15 here. It starts off with Jacob, I think it's still Jacob talking anyway, saying that he's going to sing us a song about a vineyard. So, my question is, is this chapter a musical number? I definitely sung it to myself.

Okay, me too. Yeah, to the tune of Linger by the Cranberries. I thought you just had the hiccups. Irish hiccups. And I guess you could loosely dub this a parable, but basically God made a vineyard, and even though it's a good vineyard, we're shitty grapes.

So fuck us for not being better grapes. Yeah, though there's a very pro-temper tantrum angle here. It's like, God tried everything with you fucking grapes, so now he has no choice but to stomp on you and set you on fire. Who knew grape escape was Mormon propaganda? Remember that

game? It was a board game about torture. Wait. Missed out. I don't think you were playing it right. Was that a typical Bosnic family game night? It's a real board game about torture of grapes. You Google it. There's a board game about grape torture.

When you guys played Operation, did you have a board or just a... Never mind. Most dangerous operation. is uh this is joseph smith so eventually he loses track of his own analogy the vineyard thing and he can't remember what's supposed to be what so by verse nine it descends into like full parabular chaos it's actually worse than that because he's borrowing the analogy from isaiah and just doesn't get it. Maybe. I don't think he gets that the vineyard is supposed to represent Jerusalem.

He reads Isaiah and says, yeah, if God stomps on your vineyard, they'll be really thirsty. Take that, grape-less assholes. It's like if someone had to dictate Game of Thrones out of a hat. Yeah, I really wish I could have seen your family game night. It's a real thing. Tweeted at him. All the videos have been destroyed. This chapter also gives us one of my favorite anachronisms.

He's talking about how decadent all the evil people's parties are, and he's listing the musical instruments they have at them, which include the viol. That was invented in the 15th century. All old was the same old the veal. That was invented in the 15th century. All old was the same old, the Joseph Smith. Just listing the Twitter handles of people he doesn't like.

And Nephi also said, fuck at so-and-so. All right. I think Eli's not having a great... I feel like you want one of us to ask, who are the Twitter handles of people you don't like? Ooh, ooh, ooh. No. I feel like you want one of us to ask, who are the Twitter handles of people you don't like? No. You want to write a holy book and start your own cult?

Let's write a holy book and start your own cult. Stop encouraging him. I feel like there was a big cut just now. Big cut. I had a list. All right. I had a list. All right. So here, chapter 20, he also laments those people who would call good evil, evil good, light darkness, darkness light, bitter sweet or sweet bitter.

What? Seems like an odd mix. Anyway, like one of his lackeys promised him those candies weren't sour the other day or something. Still. Totally lied to him. Herbing a grudge. He's at a Thai restaurant with an untouched plate in front of him. How hard is no spice? No spice.

The name of the restaurant is spice. Shut up, Hiram. It's a Thai restaurant. And then we close on a long series of people I don't like are so fucked passages and then we're off to chapter 16. And in this one we get Joseph Smith's telling of Nephi's telling

of Jacob's telling of Isaiah's telling of God's testimony and a vision. That's true. This is someone telling you about their dream to the fourth power. So that's fun. I think this means I have to fuck myself in a dream that I never described.

I'll consult the council. I don't. I'm not ready. Sounds like a phone call. I'm going to get it I'll consult the council. I don't. Pass the on dream. I'm not ready. Sounds like a phone call. I'm going to get it like two in the morning. It's going to be a blast. She doesn't listen to the show either, huh? And then we get a. Edit Morgan.

Thank you. And then we get a sixth wing seraphim because why the fuck not? fixed winged seraphim, because why the fuck not? So then God makes a big entrance with dry ice and an automated door and slow solos into one of his old songs to start. He knows how to work a crowd is what I'm saying. If you're not imagining Jesus doing the fake James Baldwin can't go on thing at the cross, you're missing out. I'm just saying.

And also worth mentioning, just when Isaiah realizes he can't talk to God with the same tongue he eats pussy with, a seraphim comes along and burns the sin out of his tongue with a hot coal. Or, or maybe he just made him eat it's fucking spice. Alright, I need you to not bring this to work.

How hard is it? No spice. Don't add the spice. Food is not naturally. I don't want to do this. Okay, well, I wasn't there at the Thai place, but your coffee order at Starbucks the other day appeared to involve a notary. It's a soy

peppermint mocha with five pumps of mocha and four pumps of peppermint and 110 degrees because soy milk burns at 120 degrees. No whipped cream. Extra shot. It's not that hard. You've got a cup right there. Write it all down, Jamika.

Write it all down. Did you take out the periodic table at one point? There were boiling points. He had boiling points there, yeah. And then God orders Isaiah to straighten out all them rowdy Jews. I just thought we had to get back to the book eventually. Sorry. I don't want to. But then we do get to chapter 17

where Ephraim and Syria wage war against Judah here. And it's even more stupidly out of place here than it was in the Bible too. But yeah, he had to fill these pages with something, I guess. Well, and the only reason he bothers with this shit is that this is the part of Isaiah that the Septuagint mistranslated young woman is virgin and accidentally created the Christian religion.

So he kind of had to have that. Just ancient Noah to ancient Eli. Okay, one job. You got this, right? And then like a thousand years later, Muslim Eli is like, I heard my ancestor did something just like this. What if I put raisin instead of virgin? And I didn't remember anything in the Jesus prophecy about Jesus eating butter and honey. But it's there in this one.

Yep. It sounds like some kind of stupid cleanse. Exactly the kind of thing you'd expect from Jesus, right? Butter and honey Mormon cleanse. I want Jesus as your friend's fat girlfriend, the TV show. cleanse exactly the kind of thing you'd expect from jesus right honey mormon cleanse i want jesus as your friend's fat girlfriend the tv show i am in hold on though do you guys ever have a butter and honey sandwich it's like literally the best thing actually that's pretty good oh i can't have health insurance or just or you dip the stick right into the honey jar. It's like carrots and hummus, but enjoyable. It's great.

And then moving along here, God threatens to shave a serious beard, I guess. Also, the land will be filled with briars and thorns, and there'll be a lot of milk. Weird details. I can't tell what he's going for here at all. Thorns and milk. As someone who hates hiking and is lactose intolerant, I'm picking up what Joe's putting down. Trust me. You shouldn't pick that up.

No, leave it there. Don't touch that. And then we get chapter 18 of 2 Nephi, aka the Cliff's Notes of chapter 8 of Isaiah, where God asked Isaiah to write more shit down. And a quick tip, you really need to read the stuff you're plagiarizing.

Yeah, CJ. You'd figure that would be guaranteed in like 1830. There's no like control C, control V. But I mean, this is where he copies a part of the Old Testament that basically says, if someone starts fortune telling, like using a magic hat, for example, and then we get another chapter of how awesome jesus will eventually be motherfucker ever gets here yeah but he wants to make it very clear that the jews are still fucked you know god's about through with those assholes but the one who turned christian will

be okay once again real issue here okay well it doesn't sound great i get it but um how bad is that advice over the next hundred years we're being pretty honest with each other okay let's stop if we were if we're gonna stop let's stop let's stop and do a different book there's lots of wrong books and and then while he's talking about how saved the jews definitely aren't he says that quote the lord shall have no joy in their young men. I get it. All right. The prediction stuff is right.

It's all right. Yeah. No. Do a different. Rest assured, God's reserving that for the Catholic kids. Also, if you look closely between the lines, you can see the shape of a 12-year-old sister wife. It's like a magic eye. Between the lines, you can see the shape of a 12-year-old sister wife.

It's like a magic eye. I love, too, that throughout this whole bit, he keeps trying to talk about how great it'll be when Jesus shows up. But he's such a bitter asshole that by the end of every chapter, he's bitching about people he doesn't like going to hell again. Yep. Yep. Like every homeless guy ever to do the same thing. And I told him. All right. Yeah.

Just pleasant for a second, man. Right. And then we're on to chapter 20. So Joseph can post Dick Isaiah post dicting the fall of Assyria. Stupid squared. I love to how the Jews give God credit for the like Medes and Persians knocking out the Assyrians. I mean, that's already silly enough. But now you have the Mormons taking credit for that.

This is a Russian nesting doll of crazy. For those who don't get that joke, see episodes 9 through 11 of Hardcore History and Noah's Childhood. Hey. And just real quick, getting back to the nesting doll, I was picturing like a Putin and then Trump then a hooker peeing

and then like a leaked warhead finish it off I couldn't do that I was too busy thinking those episodes are about the battle of Hastings and Winston Churchill some guy at home right now thank you Noah ruining the show.

There was also a Bronze Age one in there. He said 9, 10, and 11. Then God takes a moment to give us his, if I did that shit to Assyria, what makes you think I won't do it to you speech? And then he's just like, he's repeating himself inside of repeating himself at this point. He tells us about Jerusalem's firewall again here.

And that fire will burn away all the thorns, which begs the question, really, what if we just burn away the thorns ourselves? He's got that out of the way. They're already flammable. We have fire. God knows that we do. Yeah, he's seen it. Oh, no, not the thorns.

What's the stuff in the spray bottle? Um, tears. it oh no not the thorns what's the stuff in the spray bottle um tears everything burns away it's just a jewish guy with his his dick stuck to a black baby and a rabbit i was like see mormonism i told you old-fashioned race that's a racism callback like my childhood yeah Yeah, exactly. The gentlemen are going to be like, I remember when that story was okay. Tar Baby's not actually a slur, asked John Kerry.

Also, eventually all the animals will calm the fuck down and stop killing each other. That's in this book. It's a weird section. I don't get it. Yep, he's got bears suckling off cows and lions eating hay and this fucking chapter is ridiculous. Finally, a part of the Book of Mormon worthy of its own Tumblr.

And another thing, there's a leopard fucking a kid. Pretty sure it says that. It's there. Maybe it means a baby goat, the kid. But that's still a leopard fucking a baby goat. That's pretty cool. Live action Mormon Peace Theater this week. I already got those outfits.

I call goat. I call goat. I'd already called leopard. Good. Pictures or it didn't happen. Good. Even better. You'd never fit into my leopard costume anyway, Eli. Nah. No, he uses the term... He uses the term root of Jesse in this one a lot here,

which makes me think root didn't have the same connotations back then maybe, or it did, and this book is just way better than the other one. Yeah, right. There's a lot more gay porn hiding in there than we thought. And we get this tiny little afterthought God is good chapter that's all six verses long for 22. And says nothing but and boy how about that god yeah god god he's our man if he can't do it jingly keys

and now it's time for a few words on the fall of babylon too because people dying in mass is kind of god's things let's get back to that, and it's just another screen about people being real sorry when God says their face is on fire for not listening to Joseph Smith. I mean, if we've learned anything from the Middle East. Well, I don't know. Kiss from a Rose made a fortune.

Lesson's not clear. That's a good song. Did very well. And in case you were wondering what God was going to do to wicked Babylonian children when the time comes. I was wondering.

It's dashed them to pieces before the eyes of their wicked parents. The great guy. Great. With Thomas and you guys looking on and talking about how statistically this is fine. Well, the parents are right there and it doesn't help. That's true. Also, though, he's going to rape their wives in his mercy. In his mercy.

He's going to. Yeah wives in his mercy. In his mercy, he's going to, yeah. Of all that kindness. And in one of the Bible's most outlandish prophecies, it says here and reiterates in the Book of Mormon that nothing will ever live where Babylon was except for owls and mythical creatures. Owls. Dragons. You know, the stuff that lives an hour south of Baghdad today. Ridiculous. Everyone knows there's no such thing as owls.

I'm not even 100% sure you're kidding. I'm not 100% sure I'm kidding. Have you ever seen an owl? Yes, I have. Liar. You're part of it. I'm part of Big Owl.

Alright, let me... big owl alright and then we move along to chapter 24 here we get our final Isaiah rehash chapter before even Joseph Smith gets bored with it which will be the last chapter of our reading tonight by the way and the important takeaway here is that in the end the Jews win

but by not being Jews anymore. Yes. Yeah, exactly. And then when the un-Jew Jews take over the world, even the trees will sing their praises, which is a lot different than what the trees say about the Jews in the Hadith. Two trees tweeting back and forth at each other. So it's okay to attack a Nazi with an axe.

I think that's what you're saying. I'm not not saying that. Stop encouraging him. Of course, Joey can't rejoice in the peaceful time to come without dwelling on all the people who laughed at his dick burning in hell.

So we have to get a few verses of that too. Wait, wait, hold on. His dick burning in hell or his dick burning in hell? Like a dick bonfire. Like really hot dick stew? Well, I figured you'd put it on a stick and hold it over the...

Are you reading a Muslim translation? What's happening? Burst and weenie. It's probably worth noting that this revenge fantasy continues on after the smited person is dead, by the way, and lingers on what kind of fucked up shit God's

going to then do to their corpse. Yeah. This is what we call the Schlafly effect. Oh, God. And now that it's too late to wrap it up before Eli makes a necrophilia joke, wrap it up anyway. I'm sure something worse was yet to

come. So we're going to take a blissful break from this book for the time being. The Book of Morons will be back in three weeks where we'll finish off Second Nephi and hopefully not have to recycle our Isaiah jokes again. No, we'll probably read about laymen reading Jeremiah next. Gee, guys, thanks for coming camping with me this weekend. No problem. This is going to be the best weekend ever. Yeah.

For sure. What was that? What was that? IQ tests. Okay, seriously, guys, I'm starting to get a little freaked out over here. Yeah, let's get out of here. Not so fast. Oh God, who are you?

It's me, the ultimate monster, Dunning Freddy Krueger. Oh God, you're that guy that goes into your dreams and stabs people, right? Oh shit. Oh no. Way worse. I'm really confident about a bunch of bullshit but too stupid to learn about my opinions. Do you guys know black people have lower IQs? Wait, what? Yeah, it's true.

No, it is. That's easily disproven mathematical bullshit. Well then, how about this? This is an article from blackpeopleared dumber than white people dot com. That's a website. That's not an argument. Oh, shit. Did you write trans people are mentally ill on my Facebook status? Oh, shit.

Mine, too. Really? Gender identity disorder is not a real thing. Is to. OK, look, here's the actual page of the DSM five. The page where that would be. No. Um, I only believe in hard science, not soft science like psychology.

What? But how could you? I would have preferred the stabby guy. Me too. I have a degree from the School of Hard Knocks. I love recording when Eli's having a bad Facebook day. Yay! It always yields a sketch.

Before we snub out the roach tonight, I wanted to remind everybody that Diatribes Volume 2 is now available as an e-book, and the paperback should be available by the time this episode drops. If not, keep an eye on the website and our social media, and you'll see a link as soon as it clears all the various hurdles that it has to clear. Also, we could really use some glowing reviews for the book. If you haven't read it yet, hey, it's Diatribes. You've heard those.

You know how much you like those, right? So if you have a minute and five stars to spare, you'd be really helping increase the visibility of the book and the show, and we very much appreciate it. Anyway, that's all the Blast movie we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday, and a new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting 24 hours after that. Obviously, I'd be guilty of gross misconduct if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for all the sleepless nights, crafting Mormon dick jokes. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda also for sleepless night and dick related stuff. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for eventually conceding on most of the 4am ideas

that would require a forklift and 90 yards of chicken wire. I also want to thank Chris from the Podunk Polymath podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote and for inviting me out to talk about Christian cinema this week. If you haven't checked out his podcast yet, there's never been a better time to do it unless he's had a guest on that you like better than me, in which case it's probably best if you just keep that to yourself. Anyway, I'll have a link in the show notes. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's best people, Gwen, Nikki, Oiven, Joe, Ian, Robin, Tony, Graham, David, John, Peter, Brandon, Hellbound, Kangaroo, Gennaro, Josh, and Grant. Gwen, Nikki, Oiven, and Joe, whose brilliance is so notorious, Deep Blue preempts games with him by warning him

that he hasn't played chess in a couple of years. Ian, Robin, Tony, and Joe, whose brilliance is so notorious, Deep Blue preempts games with them by warning them that he hasn't played chess in a couple of years. Ian, Robin, Tony, and Graham, whose martial arts are so advanced they could train a fly to catch people with chopsticks. David, John, Peter, and Brandon, who will never be able to send dick pics unless they turn that damn Hubble earthward. And hellbound kangaroo Gennaro, Josh, and Grant, who have so much brains, hearts, and nerve to spare the Wizard of Oz had to get public assistance.

Together, these 16 sultry secularists and mischievous marsupials mitigated our meager and moribund means this week by giving us money not everybody has the generosity compassion and or live fetus pouch it takes to give us money but if you think you're up to the challenge you can make a per episode donation at patreon.com slash scathing atheist whereby you'll learn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the home page at sc at skatingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you promised your money

you wouldn't spend it on anything you couldn't pee on later, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, Stitcher, or anywhere else to let you leave a five-star review. Not sure how we're doing on Yelp yet. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres

and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at SkatingAtheist.com. I was just picturing a Rancor completely eaten by piranhas. Goddammit, I told you we shouldn't have mixed

the punishments. Okay, that's on me. Honestly, that's on me. I feel dumb. Frank Horse can't even breathe underwater. Maybe the bones will be scary. No, now I'm just 20-20 hindsighting. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.