The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 216: HB2 Little HB2 Late Edition

Episode Date: April 6, 2017

In this week’s episode, Mike Pence puts a restraining order on half the human population when he’s eating, we get an update on NASA's million-dollar rocket science theology program that we all paid for, and Bryce Blankenagel of the Naked Mormonism podcast will be here for a cross country tour of American stupidity. Diatribes Volume 2 is available now! Ebook: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R Paperback: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1520897952?ref=pe870760_150889320 To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To come see us at ReasonCon, click here: http://reasonnc.com/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Guest Links: To hear more Mormon history on The Naked Mormonism Podcast, click here: http://nakedmormonismpodcast.com/index.html Headlines: NC does halfass job repealing bathroom bill: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/30/the-deal-to-repeal-n-carolinas-hb-2-still-leaves-the-door-wide-open-for-anti-lgbt-discrimination/ Social media insists polar bear is praying to Jesus: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/31/for-some-reason-a-bunch-of-gullible-people-think-this-polar-bear-is-praying-to-jesus/ P-Robes cites “demonic” component to MS: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/30/pat-robertson-theres-a-demonic-component-to-multiple-sclerosis-and-jesus-is-part-of-the-cure/ P-Robes says we’ve been dominated by homosexuals: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/pat-robertson-we-have-been-dominated-by-homosexuals/ Fischer angry tweets about gays stealing god’s rainbow: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/04/02/bryan-fischer-lgbts-stole-the-rainbow-from-god-its-his-he-invented-it-give-it-back/ Mike Pence can’t be alone with ladies: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/30/mike-pence-refusing-to-eat-with-women-other-than-his-wife-isnt-an-endearing-love-story/ This Week in Misogyny: Pence breaks tie in Senate on funding for Planned Parenthood: http://www.politico.com/story/2017/03/mike-pence-johnny-isakson-planned-parenthood-vote-senate-236702 UK: Tampon tax to fund anti-abortion group: http://www.bbc.com/news/uk-39472417

Warning, it is untrue that the following podcast doesn't not not exclude profanity. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Blue Apron, a better way to cook. And by one final week of our hashtag Pope Scathe contest. Today's winner was At Kev in Canada, was at Kev in Canada, whose winning entry came in the form of a dialogue between Pope Francis and Eli Bosnick as a child. Eli, you want to help me out with this one? I'm going to be the Pope,

and you're you around age seven, all right? Okay. I know the character. Got it. Was this your card, Eli? No. Okay, now I want you to check your rectum. Rape?

Magic. Magic? Magic. And next week, we're going to fire up our Cardinal Pel Haiku contest. Tweet us your best 17 syllables using the hashtag Pel Haiku, and you could be the next winner. And now skating. This is Jeff Lowry from Houston, Texas. And though our exo biological senator disagrees with me, I'm here to inform you that we did in fact evolve from filthy

monkey man. It's Thursday. It's April 6th. And if the Washington Post loves us, you know we're fake news. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. I'm from New York, New York.

Secret Lair, Pennsylvania. This is The Skhing Atheist. On this week's episode, Mike Pence puts a restraining order on half the human population when he's eating. We get an update on NASA's million-dollar rocket science theology program that we all paid for. And Bryce Blankenegel will be here for a cross-country tour of American stupidity. First, the diatribe. You know, apologists get a lot of mileage out of the fact that the word religion is hard to precisely define. So before I start digging into the minutia of that definition and giving them more ammunition,

let's take a second to reflect on the fact that outside of mathematical terms, pretty much everything is really hard to precisely define. really hard to precisely define. Try to define life or consciousness or government or superhero or pizza in such a way that there's no possible ambiguity and you're going to see what I mean. So with that caveat, I want to concede up front that it's really hard to offer up a precise definition of the word religion. What is a religion? Well, when I asked Google, it tells me it's, quote, the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal god or gods, end quote. And that's, you know, usually what we're talking about, but that can't be it, right? Because that wouldn't encompass a lot of schools of Buddhism or a bunch of the neo-pagan post-modernist hippie religions.

And a person who believes in the Illuminati and tries not to piss them off might fit into that definition, but I don't think any of us would call that a religion. Now, Merriam-Webster does a little better with its fourth entry on this one. It says, a cause, principle, or system of beliefs held to with ardor and faith. And while that takes care of the Buddhists and the polyamorous hippies, at that point we've thrown a net so wide that we caught all the vegans, the liberals, the communists, and the people who wait in line to buy Apple products. Now, to be clear here, the dictionary is talking in this definition about usages like,

you know, I watch football religiously, so I'm not giving them demerits. And there are better definitions, and we'll get to one of those later. But I want to linger on that for a minute because this leads me right into the academic apologetic du jour, which is to use that definition, that number four definition from Merriam-Webster, as though that's what the word always means. That number four definition from Merriam-Webster as though that's what the word always means. I've been hearing this more and more from academic atheists of late. This idea that religion is necessary because people need a scaffolding to hang their worldview on. And whatever that scaffolding is, I'm going to call it a religion.

People need accepted dictates and moral absolutes to inform their actions. And since science isn't equipped to give them that, there's always going to have to be some form of religion. Now, the obvious counter to this is to name any number of the non-religious institutions that can serve this purpose. Right. I mean, you can point to ethical systems that don't take dictates from the sky daddy that work out way better than the ones that do. And you say, hey, look, here's definitive proof that you're wrong. But that only works if you're defining religion narrowly enough to exclude things like, you know, Western liberalism. Consider what a disingenuous argument we're dealing with here. A couple of quick substituted nouns.

And what you're saying is if I define carrots as all edible things, I can prove that all foods are carrots. If you're starting with a definition that nobody would agree with in common parlance, you can't use it to draw conclusions. If somebody's filling out a form that asks for their religion, people might be confused if they started putting shit like libertarian or consequentialist. And that's because those things aren't religions. In fact, they're definitive proof that religion serves no function in the modern world. Just like all the other subjects we've applied reason to, it's outperformed religion in the field of ethics as well. And the only way to throw in an academic boat at this point is to pretend like everybody who said religion in the last 800 years actually meant something different than what they thought they meant. Look, even without reverting to terms like, you know, complete bullshit and superstition, it's relatively easy to craft a definition for religion that includes Buddhist and excludes liberals. Religion is,

first and foremost, defined by its acceptance of the sacred, the revered, right? The unquestionable religion is a set of beliefs based on sacred principles and accepted on faith. Granted, that definition still isn't perfect. I mean, I'm sure you could pedantically nibble around the edges and come up with plenty of gray zone type things that poke holes in it, but it's as good a definition as we have for most of the nouns. Of course, some academics would agree with that definition, but then disagree with my assertion that that would exclude stuff like liberals. After all, liberalism is based on a set of beliefs too, and they're not derived scientifically. There's no scientific data that shows us that people have basic human rights. There's no scientific proof that happiness should

be maximized while pain should be minimized. Therefore, the underpinnings of liberal beliefs, just like those of Christian beliefs and Muslims' beliefs, rest on non-scientific assumptions held to be immutable and not derived from human action. No human can give you human rights. No one can take away from you. You just have them. And all liberals accept that without question. And that argument holds up right until those last two words. And that distinction is critical.

There are no assumptions in liberalism or libertarianism or socialism that are beyond question. There is no sacred. And the very fact that the people offering up these critiques are so often liberals is proof that they're fucking wrong. You wouldn't be able to formulate that argument without questioning the universal validity of human rights, would you? I mean, the fact that we invariably land on the side of, yes, human rights should be protected doesn't mean that we're not questioning it. We also always conclude that the moon's there, but not because some sacred scripture tells us that if we doubt the moon, we're going to burn in hell. It's perfectly acceptable for a liberal to question the sanctity of human rights, decide that there is no sanctity and still be a fucking liberal. It doesn't work that way with moral dictates of religion. Now, to a lot of people, this is going to seem like a minor or even trivial point what does it matter if a few intellectuals are disingenuously broadening the definition of religion i mean obviously their goal is to decrease the animus religious people hold towards science and other intellectual pursuits and if we can improve the public

perception of science just by fudging the definition of religion a little bit making it seem less like academics are coming after their God. Is that really such a bad thing? Well, fucking yes, it's a bad thing. This shit matters. Anything that refinances the relevance of religious voices is a detriment to our society. You know, as a species, we're about to face some really serious choices. Ethical conundrums that used to do little more than give college sophomores something to talk about when they were stoned are now real world problems. We're on the verge of the global conversation about ethical limits of genetic manipulation

and human computer hybridization. The deadline for a lot of trolley problems is coming due. And we're not doing ourselves any favors reserving a seat at the table for religions. I mean, look at how bad they fucked up relatively easy moral questions like birth control and gay rights. Nothing they've offered up has helped us to move forward in those conversations. So why the hell would we want to keep them in the loop on the next ones? The problem with religion isn't that it's a set of ethical rules. It's where those ethical rules pretend they come from. The problem with religion is the idea that ideas are

sacred and that one can attain truth through faith. And any definition that obscures those elements intentionally ignores the dangers that religion poses a progressive world can't abide by static rules and it's left to us to choose between the rules and the progress they're talking about your jesus interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin joining me for headlines tonight are the sweet and low of godless gallantry heath enright and eli bos Fellas, are you ready to sweeten up somebody's day? If they have a rat problem, I'll give them cancer. The person or the rat, whatever's easier.

Too few podcasts are pro-cancer. Thank you. Obviously, we've got a ton to get to in headlines. But before we do, we're going to take a quick break to hear from this week's sponsor, Blue Apron. Joining us today is Vice President Mike Pence. Mr. Vice President, how are you? Get a haircut, hippie. Right.

I forgot how terrible you are. So, Mr. Pence. That's Dr. Pence. No, it is not. No, it is not. No. Okay. So, we learned this week that it's your policy never to eat alone with a woman.

That's right, Sacagawea. That's why I've never had a scandal. What are you talking about? Your administration is mired in controversy. As Indiana's governor, you were reviled nationally for your hateful anti-gay policies. I meant lady scandals. Seriously, Trump. La, la, la, I can't hear you, la, lady scandals. Seriously, Trump. La, la, la, I can't hear you, la, la, la.

Right, okay, so what do you recommend that women do? That's a great question. Why, Blue Apron, of course. What? Blue Apron, look me in my crazy, wrinkly eyes. It's the number one fresh ingredient and recipe delivery service in the country.

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Emphasis there being home, not at a restaurant with me, unless my wife is there. No, I'm not saying that. Blue Apron is great. But you understand how limiting that is to professional women, right? You vastly overestimate the things I understand. Not at all. You can customize your recipes each week based on your preferences. Blue Apron has several delivery options so you can choose what fits your needs. And there's no weekly commitment.

So you get your deliveries when you want them. Jesus. Exactly. That's the reason why I do a lot of the things I do. Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free

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America hates you. I know, it's like a christmas card and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight north carolina half-assed repealed their notorious anti-trans bathroom bill because we held their sports for ransom late last wednesday night just in time to make sure we couldn't mention it on last week's show north carolina's democratic governor roy cooper reached a deal with the Republican legislature that rolls back the legislative clocks to a time before the bigoted HB2 was passed. Which means that the LGBT community in North Carolina has finally achieved that coveted hallmark of equality known as being treated as shitty as gay people in North Carolina the year before last. Yeah. Well, I feel like we could still do the shit-in protest

we had planned for ReasonCon. Oh, sure. It still makes the same point, right? Now it's just a shit-in party. Right, a celebration. Same idea. You can take dumps on us at ReasonCon.

Okay, so, let's rewind here to well before Eli gave people permission to shit on me. Yeah, permission ruins it. Classical liberal. You can take dumps on Eli. Now, if you recall, oh, absolutely.

The whole HB2 fiasco began when Charlotte passed a non-discrimination ordinance that included sexual preference and gender identity as protected classes. In the wake of that, then-Governor Pat McCrory sprung out of his phone booth like xenophobic Superman and sought legislation that would maintain the status quo. Xenophobic Superman, otherwise known as pre-1970s Superman. Right, right. Yeah, exactly.

Germans. Now, the point is that this repeal doesn't make it illegal to discriminate against gay people. It just stops making it illegal to make that illegal and then eat that shit which is made up of the shit yeah so that's a real agenda in your commentary this week heath can i give you that now okay i should also mention the poison pill in this legislation there is a provision in this repeal bill that actually makes it impossible for any municipality in North Carolina to enact any ordinance protecting gay rights until the next gubernatorial election in 2020. When they hope that this asshole Cooper will be out of there. Really want to hear the negotiations. Like, there's a compromise here.

What if the L's, the G's and the B's get to be people now? But we'll wait on the T's and Q's. That's three out of five fag letters. That ain't bad. Yeah, three-fifths based equality rules always do work out well for us. That's true. But I feel like you're picking the wrong letters because, like, B's aren't real. Q's aren't real.

G's are fine now. L's are hot. We're going to figure out which of them is human. We're going to figure out which of them is human. We're going to get back to you, Ralph.

2020. Now, to his credit, Cooper publicly called for a lot more than this, but he ultimately capitulated. The GOP-controlled legislature was interested in doing exactly as much as it would take

to get the NCAA to give them back their March Madness games. That being said, baby steps towards equality shouldn't impress anyone. You know, if the governor was serious about repeal, he wouldn't have signed off on a three year equality armistice. And if he didn't sign off on it, the NCAA would still be swinging around their $3.7 billion dick to remind the GOP to get the fucking work crafting a better bill.

In other words, when the chips were down, the Democratic governor still cared more about sports than trans rights. Just sitting in his office. Well, they do get their own water fountain and it's March Madness. Okay, you rap scallions. I'm a deal maker. Yep, that's what we got.

That is how I will be remembered as a compromiser. Go Tar Heels. Yes. And in He Bear the Cross for You news tonight. That was literally for one person. Heath.

Heath, clearly. He AIDS virus. That makes no sense to anybody. It's a deep cut. Deep, deep cut. Apparently, I have no fucking idea. Is that how you get that eight? No, never mind. Christians across the globe have found unbearable proof hibernating just below the furfus this weekend when a woman in Newfoundland captured a rare photograph

of a polar bear praying to Jesus. It's a real earth sign of the times when theists are coupling together some kind of secret Kodiak in nature to try to turn this bear into some kind of yogi. I'm done. I'm done now. His humor is getting pretty

dead panda. Dead panda. Dead panda. Honey, sorry, I didn't have anything. You don't have to go when you don't have anything, Eli. I thought it would come as the time.

It's okay. She captured a picture of a bear praying and to be honest, at the rate that global warming is going, I can't blame him. Bear meat is too grisly. Skype delay. Bear with me.

Okay. No, the photographer Jessica Andrews who actually seems like a totally nice wildlife photographer who did not see her photo of a bear getting hijacked by insane christians coming heard about the bear and went out to snap a picture or two but then

according to the star.com the bear quote stood up and put a paw on the cross then squatted down and looked up in apparent reverence as if in prayer. Andrews says she didn't notice it until she was going through the photos exclaiming, holy crap, he's praying, end quote. And I want to point out that she didn't mean holy crap as like quantitative commentary, but she could have. It would have been the same words if she was trying for quantitative commentary.

Okay, so quick review. The photographer said she was captivated by the bear's movements and how it looked up in reverence of the cross as if in prayer. And then next sentence in this article, she said she didn't notice the praying until she was going through the photos later.

So, liar. Yeah, one of those is not true. She needs her own episode of Be Reasonable. Now, as you may have noticed, there are a few naysayers on this podcast who might say, hey, maybe the bear was just hanging out being a bear instead of taking a moment to give thanks to the creator of the universe for sacrificing himself for our sins, but would it change your minds if I told you three gay couples were later found eaten while their straight campmates survived?

Wait, really? No, not at all. Just a bear hanging out in a picture. At any rate, the picture has since been shared hundreds of times, way less than a certain motivating Skittles post that many are calling the modern Pledge of Allegiance.

You, you are the person calling it that. And has garnered hundreds of comments from all over the world. But don't worry, I've been informed for the one praying bear picture we have, we still have about 95 million pictures of bears fucking out of wedlock. So we're ahead. We're ahead on the bear-theists. To be fair, though, global warming denialists are working on that. They're taking out the white ones first. That's an unusual strategy, taking out the white ones first.

And from the anal P-robes file, it's back. New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning will not be spending the next 60 years standing on the wall of a centrifuge thanks to pat robertson the low viscosity host of the 700 club robertson took some time away from wabbit season last week during which he made three big announcements on his show so uh which one should we talk about first a nerve demons b homosexual domination or c the greatest news ever well c great obviously c c i don't don't pick c okay b homosexual domination definitely b i just be great pick and why did you ask i hate school when am i ever going to use this? You guys can see my notes.

I obviously, whatever. So Robertson got a question about how multiple sclerosis works and told his millions of viewers that the key to curing MS is rebuking the nerve demons, the demons in your nerve cells. And if I'm remembering correctly from talking with the Cybabe, what happens is the demons attack the vaginas in your brain with lightning bolts.

And if you yell at them, they go away, along with the MS. So that was actually true at the Cybabe. Well, I will say if pharmaceutical ads have taught me anything over the last couple of decades, it's that all ailments are ultimately controlled by cartoon demons. yeah you know visual confirmation on robertson's theory or or hanging out in sepia tone looking out of windows but no those are mental illnesses and according

to christian cinema those don't count ah or you can see demons well there's also that it's iffy okay moving on to part b my second choice your second choice should i just look at the notes whatever part b homosexual domination or humdom as i have it bookmarked and google alerted so apparently the gay people are uh getting into all the stuff according to p robes quote the gay people have dominated, dominated the media. They've dominated the cultural shift and they've infiltrated the major universities. And quote, while he was very clearly picturing gay people dropping into like Harvard's computer lab, like Mission Impossible and having rope hanger butt sex together. Still Tom Cruise, though.

Obviously, but I'm sorry. I got to I want to pick it as word choice here infiltrated pat you couldn't go with penetrated you're gonna start making us work for it now bro really you're almost dead you can't learn new shit all right and finally the greatest news ever do that are you ready you want me to do that one now the greatest news ever. Are you ready? You want me to do that one now? The greatest news ever? You ready for that one? Alright. So, after the discussion of all the hum-dum, Robertson told everyone what he's gonna do

about taking back the culture for all us oppressed straights, I guess. And here's the plan. Quote, Kevin Sorbo brought me some scripts. Oh, yes, he did. I got one that I think would make a pretty good movie.

We've got to make some more movies, end quote. Preach it, brother. Pat's not dead, the movie. I'm so happy. To be fair, it is going to be much harder to prove that Pat Robertson is alive than it is to prove that God exists. All right. Well, with that knowledge, I guess we're going to need a moment to celebrate our newfound job security.

So we're going to pause for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny.

So you probably heard about Working for Women award winning Mike Pence's policy of not being alone with a lady. And I'd like to be talking about that, but Heath wanted it for 30 seconds. And I figured that asshole deserved to be derided by three voices more than just mine. But that doesn't mean

I'm going to leave the motherfucker alone. Because it's not like that asswipe limits himself to one misogynistic headline a week or anything you may have also heard that he had to rush over to the senate to cast the tie-breaking vote in an effort to defund planned parenthood too they also had to drag in some old bastard and a walker that was recovering from back surgery but damn it inhibiting mammogram access is important. The narrow margin to pass the bill was created by the defection of Republican Senators Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski, known in American politics as the two same people the Republicans still have. The measure Pence pushed through effectively repeals a rule that bans states from blocking

family planning grants to facilities that perform abortion. Keep in mind that laws already prevent federal funds from being used for abortion services, so this truly would only affect cancer screenings, birth control, and STD screenings. But don't worry, it'll mostly only matter in the poorest of states. And speaking of misogynistic misappropriations of federal funds, England is moving ahead with its downward spiral into East America, apparently. Women's rights advocates in the country are furious over a 250,000 pound grant awarded by the Department for Culture, Media, and Sports to a group whose primary purpose is fighting against abortion rights. And just to make it super sexist, the grant money comes from the 5% tax on tampons

and pads. Okay, so there's a lady tax in England. I already knew this, but it still pisses me off every time I hear it. But then you're going to take the money you raised from that to tell women how to operate their bodies? For fuck's sakes, England, you know Donald Trump is watching. Stop giving that motherfucker ideas. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to get back to sitting alone in all the restaurants Mike Pence wants to eat at in hopes I can starve him out so I hand things back over to Noah Heath and Eli

thank you Lucinda and in give me back my son news tonight yes I did it I did it everyone a ransom joke and it's been a fantastic 215 episodes we did it I want to thank a tribe called

Quest. I want to thank the cast. It's been an amazing week. Mom, I knew this would happen one day. Thank you. What the hell is going on here? Ransom joke. I did. Made a ransom joke. My son. You said a line

from Ransom with no context and a homophone in there maybe you want to just like do your story to get to it no later on people will look back on this and realize i am the keats of podcasting i mean i'm gonna do the story but i don't need to that's my point i don't need to i need you to here we go Christian apologist and cream cheese hair helmet enthusiast Brian Fisher took to Twitter

this week to let us know he is a total SJW cuck is he is this about white power gay skittles yes like it's gonna be about that yes well say what you want about Brian Fisher, but at 9.34 a.m. on April 2nd, he sent out the world's most perfect tweet saying, quote, Worst example of cultural appropriation ever.

LGBTs stole the rainbow from God. It's his. He invented it. Gen 9-11 through 17. Give it back. Give it back? Give me back my sun. Yes! Sun, sunlight,

light spectrum, rainbow. Eli crushed it. Slow burn. So, this tweet is perfect in so many ways and gives me so much joy. First off, we now have to decide either Brian Fisher believes in cultural appropriation or he was trying to mock it and forgot that a terrible way to do that is to be the thing you're mocking. Right. Fuck the obscene.

Yeah, exactly. Second, everything is stolen from god so gays don't get anything not even themselves hard to see where he was going here i feel like fisher should really just be pissed off that god chose such a faggy way to seal his deal with with noah was that ever manly big fucking rainbow suspenders were manly once? Yeah. Should have been a big band of leather that crawls across the sky after rain. There you go. Leather's not gay.

Is leather gay? Thirdly. Wait, which fabrics are gay? That's for the patrons. Thirdly, quote, it's his. He invented it. I love this. Give it back. Enditation. Give it back.

End quote. Give it back. I just want him on the phone with Stonewall. I have a very specific set of skills. What the fuck does that mean? Give it back? So God's just sitting up in heaven all pissed off, just watching Netflix in black and white.

God, give me back my HD. Like, really? At any rate, if anyone out there would like to further keep from upsetting Brian Fisher, please don't use anything God created. No AIDS viruses

or eye worm, you know, mottos. He's watching you. He's watching you. He's watching you. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And finally tonight, from the Veepers Creepers file, the vice president of the United States is afraid of many things. He is.

Yes. We already had a pretty good idea about some of them. The list seems to include gay people, trans people, Muslims, people who look like Muslims, agnostics, atheists, and, of course, carnies, despite his running mate's hands. Also, melanin. Melanin. And many of us learned a new one last week, though. Apparently, Mike Pence is afraid of women eating food. it's not that women don't want to eat with me they do oh they do i just won't let them ah jokes on you my mouth was wide open when you threw that drink at me

basically like doing a shot yeah so uh pence actually mentioned this during an interview in 2002 but that was back in the good old days when only tolerant progressives like dick cheney could become vp so are they unnoticed and um note to self

find out david duke's eating habits before 2020 but uh yeah so the subject got Note to self, find out David Duke's eating habits before 2020. But yeah, so the subject got renewed attention last week when The Washington Post did an article about Second Lady Karen Pence. And this all got another mention. Here it is one more time. a meal alone with a woman other than his wife and he won't attend any event that serves alcohol unless his wife is there with him as a chaperone yeah okay so this is called the billy graham rule as i learned days after we did a fucking gam episode about it and and based on all the shit they caught graham saying about jews on the nixon tapes i feel like the billy graham rule should be

a thing that forbids pence from being alone in a room with a president rather than a vagina. And I love how whenever I've seen this article posted, there's always someone who has to defend this. Like, well, that's why Billy Graham never saw a scandal. Or this is how you keep the Jews papers from starting rumors. And Billy Graham's grandson did have to resign for having an affair and treating women as fuck lepers is not a great way to avoid controversy just for the record well this is we're being this is controversial this is now there's controversy about this about the second in command's fear of lady eating okay so here's the thing. If you're just some

weird dude who can't help but shove his penis inside a woman if you see her eating food I am. You can be president. You can be president. You were going to say then you can be president. Yes, I'm glad you're not going to restaurants with women. It's a good policy.

I was way off. Is it hurtful? I think it's helpful. But another good policy, don't be the goddamn vice president. Are you fucking kidding me? How's that going to work? Is it like Liz Warren's going to walk into his office one day and take out a granola bar? We're going to have a pen-shaped hole in the side of the fucking West Wing.

Seriously? Karen dives in front of him. And I... seriously karen dives in front of him bobby brown just punches her out of the way she lands in in full speed elizabeth's just like you guys are weird wasn't yeah i'm sure that actually happened i'm gonna be president in three years okay but so here's the real story i mean look this can only be charming or chivalrous if your starting assumption is that women serve no function but penis receptacle, or at least that's their primary function. Right? I mean, if you live in a world where the people you work with have a distinct chance of vaginality, this is just a prerequisite for misogynistic favoritism. Yeah. You can't really hire or work

with people as equals if you literally can never eat alone with them. Trust me. If Noah could avoid the vegan raw foods blackout restaurant we went to last week, he would have. But we have the same job. They told me pepper was murder. It is

murder to them. You made our waiter cry. He was already crying. All right. So I just have a few more questions. For the animals, Heath. For the animals. Also, another question.

How do you think the food part specifically plays into this like if he's just standing there in a hallway with a woman it's fine but then she just slowly starts moving a tic-tac toward her face and he starts morphing into a rapey rage monster and then she moves it back away and he goes back to normal what that's very confusing how do you guys think it works i don't know i feel like we need to try that, though. I have access to a woman that would help us. Regardless, we obviously want to see a major motion picture about this subject. So let's go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock.

Movie scenarios for Mike Pence to confront his fear. Go. Oh, I have a head start. He's an antique dealer and she's an abused nomad. You got to listen to all the shows. One universe. We can call it comedy gold fashioned. Yeah, there you go.

I'm not going to watch that movie. How about like it's a food court with multiple floors and Pence has to eat different food with different women on each level. And then it's like trans Kareem Abdul-Jabbar at the end. Ooh, I got one, like a horror movie. The police call him back to tell him the feminine mastication noises are coming

from inside the house. Ooh, see, I was thinking like a romantic comedy, like all you've got male style where he keeps having to make up excuses not to see her eat, but at the end, she turns out to be a breatharian and they live happily ever after. Until she dies.

Alright, uh, going a little different. How about he lowers himself on a pulley into a cave of bats and then at the bottom, it's just Ruth Bader Ginsburg slowly eating a steak I was ready for you

oh how about they serve him soylent pink and he doesn't know what the fuck to do just dies of starvation on the spot zombie movie except he's not scared of being eaten he's scared of watching lady zombies eat my god

Karen jump in front of that zombie eat. My God! Karen! Jump in front of that zombie. Elizabeth Warren's still there. Alright. I got one more. How about it's like he's got his face locked inside a mask

that's going to rip out his jaw and the key is somewhere inside a woman at Denny's. He has to figure it out. He has like five minutes. And with the compunctious admission that we couldn't figure out a way to get a Two Girls One Cup reference out of that setup. Mike Pence chose poorly. There we go.

Now we can wrap up the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Torturing grapes at Eli's house. When we come back, Bryce Blankenagle will be here to afford me extra opportunities to say Blankenagle. America isn't number one in much anymore.

We're second in GDP, third in population, 11th in per capita production, and 18th in obesity. But there are still a few places where we can rightly call ourselves the world leader. We rank first in per capita incarceration, horse exports, Olympic figure skating gold medals, and fluorinated gas emissions, just to name a few.

We have the most airports, the most roads, the most spiny-tailed lizards, and for over 200 years, we've been the world's leading exporter of new bat shit crazy religions. We gave the world Jehovah's Witnesses, Scientologists, Adventists, Shakers, Universalists, Pentecostals, Rosicrucians, Christian scientists, and of course, more than all of those combined, we gave the world Mormons. Now, the history of Mormonism is probably the most American story you can imagine. It's filled with insurrections, backstabbing, gun violence, suspicion, sex, and stupidity. And nobody knows that better than my guest tonight. Bryce Blankenegel is the host of the Naked Mormonism podcast, as well as My Book of Mormon.

And he's making his fifth appearance on the show, earning him a place in the exclusive five-timers club. fifth appearance on the show, earning him a place in the exclusive Five Timers Club, so exclusive, in fact, that I'm pretty sure he's the only person in it that doesn't get a monthly paycheck from the show. Bryce, welcome back. I'm getting fucked on this one.

I see how it is. You know, speaking of fucking, you left out the Oneida group. Oh, yeah. No, wait. Let me go back. Let me go back. Hold on on we can still re-record this because i mean oneida group they're they're the most known notorious communal fuckers out there yeah yeah no they're the guys that make the potatoes right i had something like that yeah so now this is a bit of an unusual circumstances you're actually joining me for my first in-studio

interview since february of 2013 i had to wear pants for this very unusual i'm out of my element too i mean it's naked mormonism for a reason right right well but now you know this is the first person interview in the secret lair yeah oh absolutely absolutely i've been through like three homes since the last time anybody actually sat down in studio with me. Pants and all. So, yeah, exactly. Well, no, actually the only other person I ever interviewed in studio was Eli, and he did it with a no-pants rider. So, if you don't mind, tell the audience how it happens that you're joining me here in Secret Lair. Well, funny you should ask, because I am currently in the middle of driving across the country for some God knows what reason.

I decided that I've been studying Mormon history for so long that I actually got to come out and see these places. And it just so happens that Secret Lair, Pennsylvania is awfully close to a lot of shit that happened in Mormon history. Yeah, a lot of evil, a lot of evil in this area. It's just a good spot for it. So, okay. So now for those people who aren't super familiar with mormon history tell me what kind of places do you go on a mormon history tour uh utah that's where yeah i mean definitely um i've so far i've been to navoo which that's where all polygamy and so much of mormonism happened and uh missouri, where the Missouri-Mormon War just went on.

That was good fun. And other than that, I'm on my way to New York, where it all began. Go stand in Joseph Smith's home, where the Book of Mormon actually came to be. Yeah, you'll stand on the hill where the plates were found. Now, is that a known hill? Do they know what hill that was? Oh, yeah. And the church is very particular.

And I'm sorry, this may be a spoiler, but apparently there are actually two million Native American bodies laying under that hill. Of course. But for some reason they own it and they don't allow any excavations. Well, because the Mormons have always had such great respect for Native Americans. They were even nice enough to trade them as slaves. Yeah, no, I couldn't quite make it through that one. Okay, so tell me, because like you say, you've been studying Mormon history for a long time.

Obviously, anybody who listens to your show knows that. So these are all places that you've read a lot about. How does it really add to your knowledge to actually go to these places and see these landmarks? Well, speaking of slave labor, the church is really smart in their economic policies because they essentially have museums at all of these places. And they have their staffed by completely missionaries, people that are paying the church to be there, essentially. That makes it so the church can dump a shitload of money into these places and turn them into modern day museums. And they have lots of really cool documents. And, you know, you can read about

some place in a book and, you know, people that are, you know, Bible scholars make it kind of their pilgrimage to go to the Holy Land at least once in their life. So this is my Mormon history pilgrimage. You can read about these all you want, but it doesn't really come to life until you actually go to these places yourself. And I've had kind of one steady self-criticism, and I've never been publicly criticized for it, and I'm glad for that. But that self-criticism is I'm not an actual historian.

I'm a fan of history. That allows me some liberties in my storytelling. But that also means that I haven't ever really done any actual historical legwork. I've just been reading the work of other historians. So I kind of have a secondary motivation coming out here searching for early Mormon documents. Awesome. Awesome. So like what kind of stuff have you learned along the way? Well, the church definitely is, they are complete pros at whitewashing the history, which, you know, that's a bone that I pick all the time with historical communities is they revise history so much. And I know like R.N. Raw is always on the forefront of like science and history book revisionism in Texas where he's running for Congress, I believe.

Yeah, for state Congress. For state Congress. he's running for Congress, I believe. Yeah, for state Congress. For state Congress. And, you know, it's important to understand the history the way that it happened instead of reading the whitewashed and overly biased history. So the church, the missionaries there, they'll tell you a little bit of the history and then relate it to some spiritual story.

And whenever that happens, I just gloss over because I've heard all that shit before in general conference. Like they give way better talks in general conference than any of these missionaries ever will. So I take the little bits of history and then I build on it and I proceed to make travel logs at the end of every day that I'm posting up in my podcast feed. And I'm making videos as I go, 360 degree camera videos.

So if you don't want to stare at my mug that's telling you all the history, you can look around where I'm standing or walking around oh right on yeah awesome so okay so now i've got to imagine that most of these little museums with their little missionaries are used to catering to mormons i mean i you know i'm sure you don't come in and say yeah i host the naked mormonism podcast i tell joseph smith to go fuck himself sometimes um but but like do you do you make it clear to them that you're not a true believer when you go to these museums never no no because they as soon as they know that okay i made that mistake at the first place i went to and it was the saint george uh temple visitor center and the person the missionary there

figured out that i was a member who grew up in the church and then I left. And I got a completely different tour at that place than I ever got at any of these other places because I rightfully and accurately said that I am a member of the church because I, unlike many ex-Mormons, have not sent into the church to have my records removed. So I'm not lying to these people when I say that I'm a member of the church. It's kind of the church's fault because they have an excommunicated name. But you get a completely different experience when they know that you're an insider. They'll tell you the real inside stories. Well, see, we were talking about this a little bit before we got on the air, but that's what I think is so awesome about the fact that you're able to do this trip and that you're able to crowdfund and crowdsource stuff like this. Because speaking in order for someone to try to do this for an academic to try to do this in the past they would have to really get in bed with the mormon church and have to sacrifice

some of the integrity of their research and uh you know the the fact that we actually live in a world now where you can just reach out to your podcast audience and say hey guys help me make this happen and make it happen that's that's a real step forward for history, actually. Yeah, and so many of the historiographies that I read are published by people that are funded by the church, like you said, or funded by a certain entity that is tightly affiliated with the church. So the church has a little final say on what goes into those papers. And oftentimes, if there's something that they don't like so much, they can just say, you can take out that paragraph. It doesn't need to be in there.

I'll give you a great example of this. When I was in Kirtland, I met with a guy named Carl Anderson, who is a fan of history, not an actual trained historian, but he taught Institute for like 25 years. He's been in the church for his whole life. And he wrote a book called Joseph Smith in Kirtland. And about two months after it came out, he had one of the apostles come and visit him and said, hey, that was a really good book, but I also need you to write this book called Jesus Christ in Kirtland. And Carl said, okay, that sounds good. I'll get around to it. And then the apostle Maxwell maxwell said to him no you need to write jesus christ in kirtland eye contact you need to write this so he released a secondary

historiography that was just the theologic bullshit i mean absolute excrement hardly any he tried to wrap the history of kirtland into the history of the bible which that's an an important mormon narrative but the lengths he had to stretch his mind to make those connections are painful so yeah i mean it colors the history when an overseeing body says what finally goes into the finished product yeah right well yeah huh Well, yeah. Huh, who would have thunk? Okay, well, I'll tell you what. I want to shift gears here just a little bit because as we record, you've already mentioned this a little bit,

the Mormons are just wrapping up their biannual Mormon general conference or grand imperial council or whatever the hell it is that they do. And I'm wondering if we could trouble you for- They wear white robes with pointy hats. Well, that's what I imagined. Yeah, exactly.

I was thinking like the Gungans in episode one, you know, when they went Jar Jar gets them in trouble. It's been on my mind lately. But I'm wondering if you could do us a little like a little what the fuck is on that. What is the Mormon General Conference? Okay, so this has to do a bit with the history of the church. The church was established April 6th, 1830. You're reading a book that was written a year before that, essentially. He has no notes, by the way.

He's doing this off the top of his head. Amazing to see. So they've said basically right from the beginning that we need to have an annual meeting, an annual conference. And they said, well, it's the first week in April. So April fools to everybody. This is when we're going to do it. And then they decided, oh, we need to probably have another meeting because shit's really going crazy by the time October happens. So we're going to do a semi-annual conference as well.

So every six months, the church has this general conference that they call it. And essentially, it's just this massive circle jerk of Mormon theology. And the apostles get up and a bunch of people from the Quorum of the Seventy get up. And one or two women will give a talk. It's really progressive. Yeah. Well, don't they have like a man's hour and a woman's hour or something like that? Yeah. So they have the priesthood session.

And then I think it's called the General Relief Society session. So yeah, they really brand it for all their audiences. But it's a meeting to get together and they publish their annual statistic reports on it, which that's what I'm most interested in. They tell how many members they supposedly have, how many missionaries they have out in the field. And I believe it was somewhere in upwards of 80,

85,000 people or something was this, this general report, which is a lot of volunteer workforce. That's a lot of free hours you're getting out of people to pay you in order to work for you. You know, you can clean a lot of ocean liners with that. Just saying guys,

there's a, there's a, there's a model out there that you could be using. Yeah. I mean, but they, they have to pay him 60 cents an hour. So,

Oh, that's true. Yeah. So I mean, which one is really better, right? So, they put all of that money. And the benefits of that is they put a bunch of money into these historic sites that I've been going to and into efficient administration of their company, their worldwide company. I mean, they have multi-thousand acre cattle ranches and orchards and whatnot.

And the church is incredibly wealthy um i i the last estimate that i saw was on a bloomberg news article back in i think 2013 or 2014 and it estimated anywhere between 40 and 60 billion total worth so it's a really big corporation with a strong lobbying force yeah no you could afford 10 presidents with that. Maybe 11. And about two cabinets currently. Yeah, well, maybe not quite, but yeah. All right, so I have a quick newsworthy note on that. Elder Valery V. Cordon, I guess. That's a Spanish last name.

That surprises me. Yeah, yeah. It has an accent in it and everything. Oh, okay. So he made a little ink at the conference when he told Mormons that they should tithe even if that means their families will starve.

Those are his words. So where do you stand on that? Yay? Nay? Starving families? Money for Jesus? Well, the church champions its welfare program.

And they always say, this is something, this is not new. This is something I heard my whole life growing up. You always give your 10% to the church and then everything will take care of itself after that. And that goes for people who are on welfare as well, including the church welfare system. So you get your paycheck of whatever.

You give that 10% in tithings, and then the church supplements with their welfare program. Holy shit. church supplements with their welfare program oh that holy shit i mean it's it's so and this is what always amazes the people who didn't grow up in religion is like this is so blatantly self-serving you know like how can anyone look at this shit and not go okay but isn't that really convenient if i'm you i mean isn't that just really nifty if I'm you, that it would work out that God would want it that way in particular. You give tithing before everything. Your, your kids fucking starve as long as you're giving money to the church.

Wow. Yeah. All right. Thanks for reminding me. It doesn't surprise you though, does it? Come on. They're incredibly brilliant and it,

it's a good business model. I say that about the church all the time. They're middle management, and it's a good business model. I say that about the church all the time. Their middle management, they're kicking out some really good economists out of BYU. Well, to be fair, when you have slave labor, it's much easier to run a good company. And that's all donated time, so they're able to write it all off on taxes as time donated by all of those people. Now, of course, if you'd like to hear more about Bryce's cross-country journey, he already told you how to find that. But of course, if you want to learn more about Mormon history, you'll also find a link to the Naked Mormonism podcast on the show notes for this episode. Is there anything else you want to plug while you're here, Bryce? Yeah, I'm obviously doing all of this through support

from listeners, and it's not just supporting a podcast. This is, its heart investigative journalism. And that's essentially what this is, your funding research. And people that pledge to support on patreon.com slash nakedmormonism also get access to extended edition episodes and what we call Namo Home Evenings on the first Monday of every month which is a live Google Hangout with Patreon supporters. And you are going to be our featured guest of installment number three here in about 45 minutes.

Yeah, yeah. Looking forward to it. That'll be quite awesome. All right, man. Well, thanks again for hanging out. Good luck on your tour. And, you know, you got to get back with us and tell us how Palmyra was. Right on. Thanks for having me. You bet. It's time for the part of the show that comes next, listener feedback. This is the part of the show that makes you want to shake your hips.

So go ahead. We won't judge you. Our first message comes from Spencer. Wanted to correct our last Mormon piece theater bit. Spencer tweeted, I know it's a bit late, but this bit of the book of mormon supposedly takes place around 600 bce which is after moses supposedly existed yeah right and as much as like it's we're trying to reconcile the timeline of tim burton batman with christopher nolan batman he is correct that being said the book itself doesn't seem to know that i i don't know i could

be wrong but it reads a lot like he's trying to say that moses hadn't existed yet so not sure if we need that correction if joseph smith was just suffering from a lack of twitter corrections but thanks for keeping us honest you are correct we also got a message from charlotte who wanted to take us to task for episode 213's lead story about the irish nuns that had a septic tank full of dead babies charlotte writes quote i feel like you guys are being a bit hypocritical about this. A septic tank seems like a perfect place to keep hundreds of dead babies. And something tells me that if you were if it were an atheist like Andy Wilson, you'd have no problem with it at all.

So where do you guys think people should store their hundreds of dead babies? Great question. But it's not so much about the receptacle. It's the fact that I'm opposed to food waste, Charlotte. There are starving atheists in Africa. Did you ever think of that? Look at all that soup. Apropos of nothing,

at the Secret Lair, we had a great tomato garden in the backyard last summer. Heirlooms. Beautiful. Do not dig there. We also had a message from at I've got a muon on Twitter who reached out for some

legal advice, which you can absolutely take from this podcast. No, you can't. She links to the, sure, go ahead. She links to the homeopathic remedy for quote, lesbian tendencies end quote, which is made from diluted fetus water. I have so many questions.

I have so many questions. And asks, quote, if your boss wanted to fire your gay ass, could you agree to take this as conversion therapy based on your equally sincerely held beliefs? Maybe my favorite question of all time. Another great question.

Yes. Well, I mean, it sounds valid. And I guess if you drown in the fetus water, then maybe my favorite question of all time. Another great question. Yes. Um, well, I mean, it sounds valid. And, and I guess if you drown in the fetus water, then you're hetero and they can't fire you.

there you go. Yeah, exactly. I'm reminded of the XKCD comic where the dude thwarts the jet fuel doesn't burn that hot argument by pointing out that we have no idea how hot the chemtrail stuff burns. It's a skeptical equivalent of jumping up in the air just as two ninjas run at you from either side. I love it. I love it. Well done. So, Andrew, what do you say, legally speaking? Also, many people asked why we've stopped posting

diatribes and episodes to YouTube. That's on me. Sorry, I tried getting back into the habit, but we upload differently now, which makes those files a little less readily available. However, we do have some very exciting content coming to YouTube soon. So make sure you subscribe if you haven't already. And to hold you over, you can check out a sketch we did called Trolls in Real Life over on my personal channel.

You get to see me choke and make myself laugh trying to make Heath break character. So enjoy that. We also received several inquiries about the internship and we're still on that promise we should be reaching out to folks for an interview this week so don't worry we have not forgotten about you and finally we got a message from alistair a number of people sent us links uh last week and the week before to a recent bbc article that asked what is the right punishment for blasphemy? And while most people who sent this did so with a, like,

can you believe this shit kind of preamble, Alistair was hoping we could offer up like a genuine answer. So what do you guys think? What is the proper punishment for blasphemy? Support at patreon.com forward slash scathing atheists. Well, there you go. Good answer. No, it's hell for eternity. Everybody knows this.

So they should be a lot nicer while we're still alive. Yeah. Right? See, and I had death by dehydration from having your dick sucked dry. Reason gone. Penis cake. And that's all the feedback you get. If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets

and Facebook messages. You'll find all the contact you get. If you want more, keep sending us those emails, tweets, and Facebook messages. You'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. Before we let the ball slip past the flippers tonight, I want to remind you that there's still time to come see us at ReasonCon in Hickory, North Carolina on the weekend of April 21st. Come for the live Godawful Movies record. Stay for Lawrence Krauss,

Matt Dillahunty, Shelley Siegel, friends of the show, Aaron Rod, Callie Wright, and more. Seriously, most fun American conference I've ever been to, and we would love a chance to thank you for listening in person. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday. And if even that's too long to wait, you can pick up a copy of the brand new Diatribes Volume 250, more essays from a scathing atheist on Amazon, or by following the link on the show notes. Obviously, I'm bound by both tradition and duty to thank Heath Enright for writing dick jokes for so long those doctors from the Viagra commercials worry about him. I need to thank Lucinda Lusions for playing along when I said that lack of up-to-date

Zelda adventures has been linked to cancer in middle-aged men. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for quietly relocating his Lyme disease clinic to Mexico. I need to thank Jeffrey both for providing this week's Farnsworth quote and for reminding us that there's still sanity even in Texas. And I need to thank Bryce one more time for hanging out tonight and for making the detour to Secret Lair on the trek across the country. Again, check the show notes for links to his podcast opening parenthesis s closing parenthesis but most of all of course i need to thank this week's most lovable life forms stewart adam

cynthia jeff rachel kevin will joshua jim joseph mark grunting frog i'm not hurting anybody jordan and taylor stewart adam cynthia jeff and rachel who are so sexy heath had to make unscheduled stops on his fuck tour kevin will joshua j Jim, and Joseph, whose erections give Groot wood envy, and Mark Grunting Frog, I'm not hurting anybody, Jordan, and Taylor, who are getting any younger. Together, these 15 people, noisome animals, and running Eli jokes from Gam have come together with conciliatory contributions of compassion concerning our current calling to castrate the convoluted claptrap of credulity constructed by the corrupt clerics this week by giving us money.

Not everybody has the angelic choir-inspiring genitals it takes to give us money, but if your junk is up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you spent all your money buying copies of Diatribes Volume 250 and more essays from a scathing atheist to give away at church picnics, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes or by supporting our sponsors who are really cool and advertise on our show

even though we say all the stuff we say. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingadius.com. I'm waiting for Heath to stop laughing to record. And Heath's just like, dude, I'm not going to stop laughing until you're recording. You might as well just go ahead and start now and I'll hold it.

All right, here we go. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.