The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 217: Missing Link Edition

Episode Date: April 13, 2017

In this week’s episode, Neil Gorsuch announces his plan to write everything on papyrus, the Senate makes our upcoming proletariat revolution a whole lot easier, and Ganon’s gonna rue the day when he fucked with Hyrule… but after the record. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check us out at ReasonCon, go here: http://reasonnc.com/ To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Guest Links: To check out the BiSkeptical Podcast, click here: https://www.spreaker.com/show/the-biskeptical-podcast Headlines: Church State separation groups respond to Gorsuch appointment: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/04/07/churchstate-separation-groups-swiftly-denounce-neil-gorsuchs-confirmation-to-the-supreme-court/ Universalist Unitarian leader resigns amid racism scandal (Fuck U U): http://religionnews.com/2017/03/31/unitarian-universalist-president-resigns-amid-diversity-controversy/ Update on NASA’s $1.1 million effort to study religious impact of alien life: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/30/nasas-1-1-million-grant-to-study-how-aliens-could-impact-religion-is-even-worse-than-we-thought/ Glenn Beck and David Barton are selling Internships for $375 to teach fake history: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/03/31/glenn-beck-and-david-barton-are-selling-375-internships-to-teach-students-revisionist-history/ Pastor locke wants us to do a field trip to Washington D.C really REALLY badly: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/04/07/the-christian-pastor-whose-anti-planned-parenthood-video-backfired-just-made-the-same-mistake-again/ Youtube preacher warns that hindu-feeling books can imperil your soul: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/04/06/your-knick-knacks-can-give-demons-the-legal-right-to-do-demon-stuff-to-you/ Woman faces 14 years for DIY circumcision: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/04/03/woman-faces-up-to-14-years-in-prison-after-circumcising-her-four-year-old-son-by-herself/ Michelle Bachmann says halal food in America a sign of sharia law: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/bachmann-halal-food-options-a-sign-of-sharia-law/ Bachmann says liberals are letting the Antichrist come to power: https://thinkprogress.org/michele-bachmann-thinks-trumps-opponents-are-hastening-the-coming-of-the-antichrist-d5ebda49b7e9 Bachmann says God sent Donald Trump to save us all from trans people having rights: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/michele-bachmann-transgender-reprieveus58e7eb5ae4b05413bfe2ed5d This Week in Misogyny: Trump vouches for O’Reilly on sexual harassment allegations: http://www.rawstory.com/2017/04/trump-sends-sickening-message-to-workplace-sexual-harassment-victims/ MO republican proposes spiteful anti-abortion name change for St. Louis zoo: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/04/06/anti-choice-missouri-republican-proposes-spiteful-abortion-themed-name-change-for-st-louis-zoo/ TX to take $20 million from clean air initiative to give to anti-abortion group: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/04/08/texas-house-gop-votes-to-take-20-million-from-clean-air-initiatives-to-fund-anti-abortion-centers/

Warning, if we followed your mom's advice about what to do when you had nothing nice to say, this podcast would already be over. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com and by our George Pell Haiku Contest. Today's winner is Anonymous E-mailer who had really, really, really, really, really, really looks like a rapist. Well played anonymous emailer. Technically a haiku. We were looking for tweets, but we'll let it go this one time because that was pretty good. Next week, we'll be doing physical descriptions of nuclear level asshole

Mitch McConnell. Tweet us your favorites using the hashtag scathing son of a Mitch and you could be the next winner. And now, Scathing Atheist. Hi, I'm Trav Mamone. And I'm Morgan Stringer from the Bioskeptical Podcast. And not only did we indeed in fact evolve from filthy monkey men, but our closest ancestors, bonobos, have proven to be bisexual. So suck it, Ray Comfort.

It's Thursday. It's April 13th. And my aunt still won't let me call him a zombie. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Henright. I'm from New York, New York. Secret Lair, Pennsylvania.

This is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, Neil Gorsuch announces his plan to write everything on papyrus. The Senate makes our upcoming proletariat revolution a whole lot easier. And Gannon's going to rue the day when he fucked with Hyrule. But after the record, apparently. But first, the Zelda diatribe. Get ready for it. Assuming nobody's gone stomping around the Savior souffle again this year,

Jesus is about to go all Pillsbury Doughboy all over your social media shit on Sunday. And everybody's favorite semi-national, semi-religious, semi-in-April holiday will have begun. You know, pretty much every year I do a diatribe around Thanksgiving about how that's my favorite holiday. But I don't know that I've ever taken the time to fully express how much I fucking hate Easter. I mean, first of all, pick a fucking day. It's now. Now I get that back in the day, and it was a whole thing and nobody had Google calendar and you had to get out your abacus and your sextant and calculate the proper day to celebrate the zombification of your lord and savior but for fuck's sake now it's now just pick a goddamn day and when i say that i don't mean the sunday after the first full moon after the vernal equinox i mean third sunday in april or the 16th the fucking wikipedia article on figuring out the day easter

is on has 14 graphs. Seriously, look it up. But that's not even the dumbest thing about this fucking holiday. You know, hell, I'd say even Cadbury eggs are dumber than that. Who the fuck wants a goddamn candy with no logical place to start eating from? 20 seconds after you give up and tooth scratch your way into the top, your face looks like an impromptu porn actor suddenly realizing that she doesn't need to meth this badly meanwhile you got a crumbling orifice of sticky sugar sperm melting in your fingers and demanding to be dealt with this instant who the fuck wants to eat that and and most of the big holidays at least have something

to offer the adults right i mean christmas is nowhere near as fun when you're adult but it's still fun halloween actually gets more fun when you grow up, and on Thanksgiving, you get upgraded by a whole table. But what the fuck is a grown-up supposed to be doing with Easter? Me and my wife are going to hide eggs for each other? Okay, actually, we're probably going to do that, but that's not the point. Make a fucking effort, holiday. You're supposed to be this religion's most important day of the year, and the best you can offer is a game of zygotic hide and seek for fuck's sake this is a holiday that happens at the beginning of spring you have dibs on the it's finally warm holiday and this is the best you can come up with but all of that of course is just dancing around the real issue which is what the fuck chocolate bunnies have to do with

the resurrection of jesus i mean i get all the eggs and chicks and rabbits are pagan symbols of fertility that Christians adopted when they overtook the traditional celebration. But, you know, this shit was in the car when I stole it isn't a real good defense for your shitty upholstery. And one way or the other, what kind of bullshit religion has their savior rise from the dead and redeem all of humanity and yet can't come up with a better way to mark the occasion than a basket full of plastic grass and marshmallow peeps. Are you kidding me? I mean, I get that they have a whole bunch of religious ceremonies leading up to it, and they do a big

church thing marked by the unusual occasion of Christians showing up for church, but all of that stuff combined is even less fun than the eggs and peeps bullshit. Of course, the magical egg-laying rabbits don't just take precedence because they're more fun than the actual religious shit. If you stuck to the purported route of the holiday, all the iconography would be fucking terrifying. I mean, what the hell kind of Easter symbol

would you even offer up to your kids if you left out the shit that has nothing to do with Jesus? If you're too honest about your holiday, your kids are going to be way too terrified to celebrate it. The moral of this story is that the omnipotent creator of the universe demands human sacrifice and isn't above taking his own son's life to quench his pathological thirst for blood. Plus, you get an important message for your youngins about how sometimes the authorities wrongly imprison people who weren't doing anything wrong and then torture them to death. But even if I

understand the motivation, it's not remotely justified. What does it say about your religious conviction if you're perfectly willing to subordinate the whole foundational epic of your faith to the ritual of painting eggs with vaguely bluish water? I mean, I'm sure Easter has its keep the Christ in Christmas equivalents, even if they don't have the same pithiness of catchphrase. But the vast majority of American Christians are perfectly okay with roping the kids in with promises of chocolate and magical rabbits, and then layering in the resurrected savior stuff where it fits. It's almost as if they're admitting that it's more important that kids consider themselves Christian than it is for those same kids to know what that means. And as much as we love the point and laugh at the

fundamentalists in this country, if all Christians had to offer what they're saying, nut job Pat Robertsons of the world, they wouldn't be dangerous. They'd be overfunded flat earthers. But the real danger to the secular world comes from the casual Christian because they're the only ones that can perpetuate their faith into the next generation. You know, if all I got to do is wait for the Pat Robertsons of the world to die off, I might as well start getting out my resumes now for when this podcast runs out of shit to talk about. See, every open-eyed leader of modern-day Christianity recognizes that they're never going to get back the power that they tossed around 50 or 100 years ago. Science won all of those fights already. So their only real hope of survival is to reduce themselves to a scarcely audible hum in the background of their congregants' lives. Don't

tell them anything they don't want to hear. Don't give them any rules that are too hard to follow. Keep your sermons to nothing but uplifting, motivational speaker platitudes. And don't complicate things too much with the nonsensical story of God killing himself to appease himself when you could just as easily focus on the chocolate bunny and the pastel eggs. See, their goal is to tuck themselves into some corner and hide behind happy childhood memories of jelly beans and fancy dresses in hopes that this is going to allow them to linger on like that recurring hulu payment you

forgot you signed up for because they know that if you focus the conversation on topics like why did god have to kill jesus if god makes up the rules they're gonna lose that conversation if they ask even children to take their stories seriously they're begging for antiquation and if they invite anybody to ask where their moral authority comes from, they know they'll lose it. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you

a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are two reasonable cons, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, ReasonCon is only eight days away. Are you ready to fulfill all the promises you made over the last month uh already did it noah isis defeated you're welcome i don't see anything wrong with asking our audience to pay for me to podcast from mar-a-lago but whatever

i don't want to have this drama on the air and i'll just need about 500 full-time navy seals as bodyguards at my Manhattan penthouse. But then we're all set after that. All right. Well, that's going to require a bit of paperwork, so while we're taking care of that, we're going to take a quick break to tell you about this week's sponsor, Stamps.com. Hey there. Carl the Pegacorn.

What you up to? Oh, hey, Heath. Just getting ready to deliver all the copies of Diatribe's Volume 2 to all the patrons that get a free copy. We got 150 copies to deliver all over the country, so I got quite the flight ahead of me. Okay, well, why don't you just mail them? And deal with the hassle of the post office? No thanks. Okay, well, why don't you just mail them? And deal with the hassle of the post office?

No thanks. Okay, well, why don't you just use stamps.com? Stamps.com? What's that? Well, it's kind of like having the post office right at your desk. You can buy and print official U.S. postage for any letter or package using your own computer and printer. And unlike the post office, stamps.com never closes. So you can get postage whenever you need it. 24 seven.

No, that gets my tail of wagon. But how would I use it for something like Patreon or any customer list? Great question. It's very easy. First, go to stamps.com and before you do anything else, click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in scathing.

That's stamps.com and enter scathing for a four-week trial that includes postage and a digital scale. Wait, you're telling me I can weigh packages at home and print out the exact postage I need? That's right. Plus, you can import entire lists to their pre-made templates, print postage and shipping labels from your desk, and even schedule package pickup. So sending everyone their books is a snap.

Wow! That's better than a peanut butter chew stick. It sure is, Carl the Bug Beggorn. So if you need help with any size mailing, check out stamps.com today. And don't forget to click on the radio microphone at the top of the homepage and type in scathing for a four-week trial, which includes postage and a digital scale of your very own. Stamps.com.

Never go to the post office again. Now, what are you going to do with all that extra free time you have? Belly rubs? Yay! Okay. Belly rubs! Belly rubs! Scoochie, scoochie, scoochie. Get off me.

I can fly! And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, church-state separation groups around the country were quick to denounce the confirmation of bad guy from a Nickelodeon movie and weatherman trying to get fired for showing up drunk Neil Gorsuch to the United States Supreme Court. Looks like David Lynch is trying to convince you he's not high. Looks like if LinkedIn was a person. Getting a lot of friend requests from neil yeah um now of course these church state separation groups were joined in their denunciation by

all the other americans who weren't willing to sell the nation sold to donald trump to rape a corporatist originalist inhumane hyper conservative into the reluctant vagina of the supreme court and he clearly tucks shirts into jeans on a regular basis fucking gross but honestly it works because he's fucking beautiful i hate him so much i thought his shirts and gorgeous hey now i i'm not going to dig into the nonchalant abandoning of a hundred years of legislation precedent thing because we already had a diatribe so instead i'm just going to focus on the very real threat this guy poses to an issue very near and dear to all of our hearts. Keeping Jesus the fuck out of our government.

Evidence that he approves of pedophilia. They don't like that. That's the thing they don't like. Well, I think the important thing is what the founding fathers thought about. Right. If you want to fuck a seven-year-old, just go to Delaware and Neil Gorsuch. That was the rules. 1791 is understandable.

Yeah. Yeah. So in an official statement from American atheist, national legal director Amanda Neve points out that, quote, Justice Gorsuch has consistently prioritized the right of corporations to impose religious dogma on their employees, the right of certain religious groups to receive exemption after exemption from our laws, and the right of government entities to erect religious monuments on public land, end quote. And in case I wasn't making it audible enough, she had the right in scare quotes throughout. When your name is knife, you don't need to put anything in scare quotes. It's not pronounced that way. It's I-E-F.

Not anymore. She killed a man. She did not kill a man. Nope. That's not what I meant. A man to knifed, killed a man who crossed her and dared to pray. Of course, the AA weren't the only ones speaking out against Gorsuch's confirmation. Larry T. De course, the AA weren't the only ones speaking out against Gorsuch's confirmation.

Larry T. Decker, the executive director of the Secular Coalition for America, says, quote, by confirming Judge Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court, the Senate has imperiled the religious freedom of all Americans, end quote. And the CFI points out that his history on the bench, is replete with hostility towards the rights of Americans without religious faith, end quote, quote, is replete with hostility towards the rights of Americans without religious faith, end quote, and adds that he seems to show a huge preference for Christian dogma over scientific evidence when it comes to shit like abortion rights and end of life issues in new and original ways. Yeah, actually not.

He's a plagiarist. But seriously, if Gorsuch was hanging out with the founding fathers, Alexander and aaron burr would stop their duel and both shoot him in the face you think you should be legal in 2017 you dumb fuck you like that we just shot you legally our job is to interpret not make love now some court watchers are going to try to allay your fears by pointing out that he can't possibly be any worse than anton and scalia and i feel like neil's gonna take that as a personal challenge but even if it's true it doesn't fucking matter i mean setting aside the bullshit la la la i can't hear you tactics that they used against garland the idea here isn't that when one supreme court

justice dies you go find their jurisprudential clone to replace him. The only check against lifetime appointments is mortality. And the relevance of Scalia's judicial philosophy died way before he did. However, on the bright side, now that the nuclear option has been used, when the Democrats win the next 14 elections, we're going to have a piece of watercress that is also a lesbian on the court. Ever been to America? Or maybe like an actual, literal snowflake that's also like a gay hipster.

I feel like that's going to be hard to do while keeping that tail firmly pinned between our legs like that. You kind of got to focus on one or the other. And in fuck you, you news tonight, our long-awaited chance to give the Unitarian Universalists the roasting they deserve is finally upon us this week.

When the president of the Unitarian Universalist Church was forced to resign among controversy three months short of the end of his second term. Oh, shit. 215 episodes have trained you for this moment. Any guesses why? Hmm. 214 wasn't quite enough.

That was like 9900 hours. No, no, no. Russian collusion. No, no. Close. It was for hiring a white guy. Really?

I thought Andrew was a Mexican. Is Andrew not Torrey White? What is he? Always spoilers. Like Jessica Alba. Hashtag what race are you? He's just black. Thank you, Jessica Alba. Do not hashtag what race are you.

It is an ugly part of the internet that we are not proud of. I want to say Cajun. They a race? I feel like that falls into the old-timey Octoroon category. You got to wear a hat to hate Cajuns. Is that how you define a race, Eli Eli is by whether or not people can hate them yeah that makes sense

that's a pretty good heuristic anyway no in the single most unitarian universalist thing ever to happen the president of the UU church resigned because he appointed a white guy to lead the group southern region saying quote it is clear to me that i am not the right person to lead our association as we work together to create the processes and structures that will address our

shortcomings and build the diverse staff we all want end, well, that quote goes to the top of my, like, most awkward situations for rhodicism list, which I have and maintain. Just imagine the guy like, it is clear to me that I am not the white person to lead up to white, the white person, the white, fuck it, white power. By the way, the guy who decided to call that speech impediment rhodicism is a dick. What a dick. Marriage. So what do I have? Hear me out. Hear me out.

What? What do I have? No, just give me a second. I can do this. Say it with me. Say it with me. Seriously. Okay, look, I know I'm the resident SJW,

but this shit's fucking hilarious. It really is. Listen to this. Seriously. Okay, look, I know I'm the resident SJW, but this shit's fucking hilarious. It really is. Listen to this deadly serious quote from UUWord.org. Quote, UUA moderator Jim Kay said the board of trustees has received a dozen emails and letters expressing unhappiness over the lack of diversity in UUA staffing. Typically, the board gets two or three emails a month, said trustee Tim Atkins. End quote.

Not a flood exactly. They got four times the letter, guys. Four fucking times the letters. We get that when you mispronounce chimera. All the letters from helpful universalist at Gmail. Eli steps down.

I am not the right human animal hybrid to lead this part of the show. Okay. To be fair, there are way more people who listen to our podcast than our universal. Is that like six chicks? Okay. But here's the best part. No, fuck you. I've done 62 episodes in a row of shoulder shrug baby raping.

We earned some silly religious bullshit. Here's the best part. Christina Riviera, who has served on the board since 2014, so a while, revealed in a blog post that she was a finalist for the position, saying, quote, how do we hold the UUA accountable for the racial discrimination and upholding white supremacy if no one stands up in the public

square and says, me. It was me. You did this to me, and it's not okay. I demand you make this right. Unless, as you read this, this is still the quote. I am not breaking. This is still the quote.

Some lady would say in the middle of Target. I'm sorry. Absolutely. This is a town hall meeting shouting to the mic, your time has been up for six minutes. But carry on. Please, please. I don't want to stop this quote in action. Yeah.

The quote continues. Unless, as you read this, your white supremacy tries to intervene. Yes, I am fully qualified for the position but perhaps you should ask yourself why that was your initial reaction but my white supremacy did try to intervene though so it's a good thing she added that warning i feel like if she'd gotten the job and the other guy wrote a blog post about how it was only because of affirmative action my latina supremacy might have tried to intervene, but we'll never know now.

Watch. We're going to see a headline next week about just like hundreds of universalists injecting themselves with syphilis to even out the whole Tuskegee. The guy who doesn't do it resigns. It's what we call the splash effect. Anyway, no. By the way, that was not my initial reaction to this religious leader's

blog post. Oh God, I'm so happy. Anyways, in other news, while the UUs figure out who exactly had the speaking stick during the feeling circle, the Catholic Church announced they're pretty sure the remaining three quarters of those toilet tanks they found were not filled with dead babies or Nazi gold. See, we do everyone.

Yeah, we spread it around. Everybody gets a turn. And in waste of space news tonight, we have an update on a story we covered last year about a $1.1 million grant that NASA gave to the Center for Theological Inquiry, or CTI. Or as we call it, the Center for Irony. Seems like we'd call it something with a T word in it. Center for To and irony. Name a word that isn't toast that starts with a T. He's got this.

No. No. All right. So the grant was... Nailed it. Toast does start with a T. He loves on his game today. The grant was for the CTI

to study the societal implications of astrobiology. Seriously, that's what it was for. So the update should be NASA releases a statement that says Nigerian prince totally fucked us super sorry about that but no the actual update is after further investigation it's even dumber than it

sounds if that's possible i don't think it it's dumber than we spent over a million dollars on alien redemption research it's dumber i'm having a hard time finding a way in my mind that that works unless it's like 1.2 million and above. Honestly, if they had shot a million dollars into space, I'd feel better. Well, and we'd get more scientific data because we'd know what happened when you shot a million dollars into space.

Maybe you guys should shoot all the Bibles into space. There's like infinite planets. I don't know. I'm just saying. We need a new challenger. They've gotten lazy. Yes. So the Freedom From Religion Foundation has been looking into this because they want Satan to get all the alien souls.

Yeah, clear. And here's what they learned most recently. First of all, the NASA officer who managed the grant was getting bribed with gifts from the cti huh yeah basically this idiot from nasa was getting like flown to nigeria to get a tour of an invisible palace essentially what's happening which was enough to convince the idiot to write a check for 1.1 million dollars well and keep in mind even setting that aside this isn't just stupid it's also a violation of the Establishment Clause, right? Thanks to an FFRF FOIA request, we know the actual shit they did with the money.

Shit like, this is actual, this is real. Relating themes from 1 Corinthians to astrobiology. Y'all know that the Bible said about them aliens that they was there back in Bible days? We just paid people to do that. We paid a million dollars for people to do that. A million point one. We should have underbid them like war dogs. Is it too late? Hey NASA,

I'll make shit up for eight bucks. Seven bucks. We're on the same side. Not now that that sweet, sweet NASA money is on the line. Four dollars. And a Mexican Andrew if that's his race if that's what it turns out to be i don't think you can bid him well unless he is mexican i think i was gonna say yeah no it matters now in donald trump's america that part matters

you can buy mexicans Gene will not return my emails. All right. Well, here's the thing. Even if this grant was obtained legally, it absolutely was not. But even if it was, it was spent on complete nonsense. The CTI used the money to hire a team of one scientist and 11 theologians, 10 of whom were Christian. Okay. Question being,

what was that scientist's job? What did he do to get that, right? Like what beaker did he drop? Weeping in the corner. Yeah, I don't know. And the tasks of this group included, among other things, writing a Christian response

to science-based morality. Also, hold on. I'm getting word that we just won the game. There's other stuff, but it doesn't matter. Religion needed a response to science-based morality, so show's over, game over. Just a chalkboard at the front.

Mix something in test tubes that tell me I can't beat my slave. We're still tied. Them, probably. And in American history beat my slave, we're still tied. Them, probably. And in American history F news tonight, we have an update on the upcoming counterfeit history collaboration between Glenn Beck and David

Barton. We first talked about this mockery to scholarship back on episode 207, which is why it's perfectly okay for me to recycle Heath's headline pun from that story. I know I did that. You don't work hard enough on this show. But tonight, we're excited to report that you can be part of the action. If you'd like to help write North American chronology with a bald eagle tattooed dick,

you're in luck because Glenn and Davey are looking for interns. Oh, damn it. So are we. I bet we have a ton of crossover. A lot of people weighing the two. Now, the job doesn't pay much. Just negative $375. Ours pays zero.

You'll be helping countless sociologists study confirmation bias with an ever larger statistical sample. I'm sorry, what now? Getting coffee for boring liars. Decaf coffee. Right. uh getting coffee for boring liars yeah decaf coffee right so the the word internship is a bit of a misleading term here misleading term from glenn beck and david barton would you look at that but but what that really means is paying customer the idea i guess is to help fund their upcoming fake history museum with some fake history fake internship fake classes we'll get to the fake on the classes in a second here taught by beck and barton

themselves or or other people it's gonna be one or the other when you get there i mean that's true that's true and you can get all of this for the low, low price of a Nintendo Switch and the new Zelda game. Now, here's what you get for your money. Two weeks of David Barton's son telling you how to Google yourself into academia. That's pretty much it. So wait, you get to pay to work for them. We went about this all wrong, guys. I got to say.

Yeah, we should start a church of lies. That's a way better idea oh we're a band called church of lies yeah and all our songs could be redundant um now your website promises a once in a lifetime opportunity to learn about america's history and the philosophies and ideologies that shaped our laws and original documents you know know, limited once-in-a-lifetime quick wealth supplies of knowledge last. They go on to say, quote, we spend our mornings in a classroom-like setting. Esk? Classroom esk?

I want to know what that is so bad I'm almost willing to spend $375 to find out. Failed trip! We just go there and reenact the breakfast club word for word don't let him finish i get to be alishiti you describe the records and each each after this going back to their quote here each afternoon we dig through online resources as well as our unique original library end quote so if you'd like to get involved maybe live tweet it for example and you've got 375 to spare plus transportation food and lodging in dallas you'll find a link on the show notes but not really because i'm not gonna fuck those guys or or if you'd like to send me

don't send me don't send me this absolutely ends in a felony yeah Absolutely ends in a felony. That sentence, yeah. Eli went to jail for shitting on David Barton's desk. Don't you. Music by Church of Lies. And in Lock It Down news tonight, pastor, anti-abortion activist, and 40 years of hard living Joseph Gordon-avitt impersonator Greg Locke is back in our hearts and minds this week to tell us how flippin' flappin' mad he is about Planned Parenthood.

As our listeners might remember, Pastor Locke, who has apparently never heard of the internet, took to Facebook back in February to let everyone know how mad he was that people had donated to Planned Parenthood in his name. And definitely not to do that. Because it made him a universally reviled bigot and hate monger mad. Wonder how that

worked out. You might as well tell Eli not to accuse him of murder raping a child in 1989 he should do that and shockingly this was not the end of the story he took to facebook this week to let us know i like to think in no small part thanks to our encouragement he has now received hundreds and hundreds of donations in his name but he has a plan for revenge you see this month he's gonna raise even more money than planned parenthood for right to life a group that works to take away women's rights so oh he found an anti-charity think about that this man has a goddamn anti-charity well he's a pastor bro he runs one too i really think we need to ramp it up at this point i think

everyone should start sending him regular updates about all the dead fetuses he's adopted like pictures of them just doing funny shenanigans. Visiting famous landmarks and stuff. Little selfies. Planking. I don't know. I can steal one of those figurines from an OBGYN again. Eli, I have a court order here from the Honorable Homer

Blandersplat that specifically says you cannot do that again. That suggests I never do that again. No, orders. Orders. He's very clear here. Orders suggest very different. Orders suggest... Who's to say?

He didn't wink. But that's... Wink. But that's not all. But that's not all. He's got a plan for revenge because at noon on April 27th, he's going to show up in Washington, D.C.

to pray with people and give all the mail back. That's right. He's so mad about the charity given in his name that he's now aware of how unpopular he is that he's going to show up

at a Planned Parenthood in a public location. Announced on the internet. Announced on the internet. Less than four hours from my home. To give it back. Road trip. He like dresses like he works for Planet Paranormal. Oh no, we have a file for this.

I like the road trip idea. So here's what we do. You just, you rent nine tricycles and ride them out to the secret lair. Just like the super smooth plan for reason. It's like live action, Oregon trail. Hey, maybe we all live in civilization.

We won't have to plan road trips like Nephi and his family. And if you at home would like to help us figure out what to ask slash do pastor lock just in case we see him at noon on april 27th let us know with hashtag the lock-in that's hashtag t-h-e-l-o-c-k-e-i-n hashtag the locket. And speaking of our upcoming trip to ReasonCon, I'm pretty sure that I got a wagon to caulk, so we're going to take a quick break and have things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race.

It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey! I'm proud of a man. This week in Massage. You know, I try to avoid being too Ameri-centric on this segment. I make an effort to comb international news items to find examples of misogyny from all over the world. Now, I don't want to make that sound like some Herculean effort,

because the world has plenty of new misogyny to offer every week. But I am limited by my sources, and most of the sources that consistently have what I'm after are American sources. Plus, I haven't been getting as many story suggestions as I used to. Hint, hint. At Lucinda Lusion's hint, hint. So, with the admission that there's also plenty of sexist bullshit going on in the other 193 countries that I'm not covering, we're going to focus on my home country again this week. And we're going to start at the very top.

I'm sure you've all heard about the mounting charges of unsolicited mounting against Bill O'Reilly in the last few weeks. The New York Times revealed last weekend that over the last 13 years, the perpetually constipated Fox News anchor has settled five sexual harassment lawsuits out of court for a total of about $13 million. Of course, these are out-of-court settlements, and we don't know the details exactly, but we know that the allegations range from retaliating against employees that turned down his sexual advances to phoning up his female employees at home while masturbating with a vibrator. The court documents don't exactly say where he was putting the vibrator, but I can't tell if that's because of a redaction or vomit stain. Now, to their credit, more than five dozen advertisers

abandoned the O'Reilly factor within days of the Times article. But while BMW, Mercedes, Lexus, Subaru, Bayer, Allstate, e-surance, H&R Block, Advil, Carfax, Liberty Mutual, and scores of others are scrambling to distance themselves from this predatory asshole. Bill O'Reilly still has one powerful ally in his corner. This week, President, and I can't say these two words together without verping, Trump came to O'Reilly's defense to tell reporters, quote, I don't think Bill did anything wrong. I think he's a person I know well. He is a good person, end quote.

Now, despite Trump's being pretty sure he knows Bill, some people remain skeptical. After all, the only way Trump could be saying anything other than, you know how bitches be making shit up, is if he'd spent the last 13 years perpetually in the company of either Bill O'Reilly or Bill's vibrator. Like virtually everything out of the shithead's mouth, he offers up no evidence and in this case couldn't possibly have any. But that's plenty enough for the goddamn president of the goddamn United States to dismiss the allegations behind $13 million worth of settled lawsuits. Of course, not all our misogyny happens at the local level. I've also got a story out of Missouri state politics that really lays bare the sinister bullshit behind the pro-life legislators.

Thanks to state Senator Bob Onder, who suggested the city of St. Louis change the name of its famous zoo to the Midwest Abortion Sanctuary City Zoo. And not because he realized that would make me way more likely to donate money to it. Now, the way the zoo gets involved here is a convoluted web of sales tax initiatives that I'm not really going to get into. But the heart of Andra's complaint was a law passed in the city of St. Louis that makes it illegal for employers and landlords to discriminate against women because they've had abortions. He's complaining that such a law exists and not from the how does anyone need to say this angle that I would take. But the reason I bring it up is that a quick glance at his phrasing tells you way more than

he meant to. Abortion sanctuary city? Abortions are fucking legal, bro. Why the fuck should anybody need sanctuary over something that's constitutionally protected? Look, St. Louis contains Missouri's only abortion clinic. 70,000 square miles, one abortion clinic. And the eight states it shares its borders with are Iowa, Illinois, Kentucky, Tennessee, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Kansas, and Nebraska. Stop me when I get to one of those known for their commitment to women's rights. Oh, and before I wrap up tonight, I just want to make it clear to the state of Texas that I did indeed see that they took $20 million from a clean air initiative and gave it to an anti-abortion group. Just because I didn't do a story on it doesn't mean I didn't notice. I just didn't have time for it after the first two.

But you're still on notice, Texas. And with that out of the way, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in I bless my case news tonight. If we've said it once, we've said it a million times, everyone should have Andrew Torres in their life, regardless of his race. But did you know he could defend your soul as well? Absolutely. He sent me to a great site called LegalZoom, All the forms I needed to defend my soul. That's LegalZoom.com. And use the promo code

AndrewTorresLovesThisSite for a great discount. LegalZoom. Andrew Torres. Together. It's in the same sentence. Andrew Torres and LegalZoom. We may get our first hate mail from Andrew.

I feel like he's strongly worded an email telling us to nix the skit where Carl the Pug of Pegacorn detailed Mike Pence's jogging route and then explained how to clean a rifle also counts as hate mail. You could 3D print the gun. No, no, he told us we couldn't do that one. That's true. That's true. Well, according to Christian vlogger and alternate timeline no illusions, Stephen Bonkars, listening to opening arguments could save your soul as well. How, you may ask?

How? See? Nobody likes trick questions, Heath. Nobody likes that. You can see my notes. What are you talking about? I have no idea what you're talking about. Our show is improvised, just like a podcast should be. You scripted that.

You scripted this. I'm saying this because you wrote for me to... Guys, guys, can we get back to the story? If this show gets any more meta, we're going to be sitting behind some dude in his car. Turn around! Just fucking with you. Just fucking with you. We're not in your car. We could be.

You don't know yet. You't know someone's car you can't just check the mirror we could be ducking down you don't know we're not ducking matter of time pull over jerk one up you earned it anyway no steven or fire dancer as i'm sure he was once called was a new age blogger for years until he discovered Christ last year in his eventual quest to fight Noah on top of a mountain while Lucinda looks on with a bullet with only one gun. That's all the guns that you need

for the one bullet. I want to point out, multiple people have long hair. Multiple boy people? Anyways. Waterbed? Exactly. What game are we playing i think i won he took to his new christian vlog this week to let us know that having occult objects in your home like harry potter and quote books that feel hindu and quote yeah can give demons access to your souls because, and I'm paraphrasing here but not much, those demons have access to heavenly planes of existence and can then project onto our consciousness of false spiritual playing fields.

Noah, any idea what that means? I feel like you're our... You look like bread dough grew a beard, bro. Are we saying beard? Did we land on beard? Compliment sandwich. Was it? I thought you might be stumped.

Well, luckily for us, we'll just have to hope for a spinoff show of opening arguments, demonically speaking, to help us figure it out. In the meantime, remember, tarot cards equal consent. Not at recent comments on the whiteboard. Wow. And in just the tip, just to see how

it feels news tonight, an Israeli woman is facing 14 years in prison for child abuse after performing an at-home do-it-yourself anesthetic-free circumcision on her four-year-old son. The woman, known only as A, is an asylum seeker from Eritrea and argues that she did google that shit before lopping off part of her toddler's dick. According to her court testimony, quote, after so many requests to all sorts of places about how to do it, I took it upon myself and cut end quote

israeli authorities are appalled by her actions because that's not the correct way to mutilate a baby's genitals nobody even sucked it afterwards okay ew i feel like you're not being skeptical how clean was it after she cut it off because i hear it's much cleaner. Well, probably clean as a baby's dick, right? That's a saying. Wait, soft as a baby's dick. No, hard as a baby's dick. It's something with a baby's dick. It's not something with a baby's dick.

No, it's a song. Something with a baby's dick. It's a song. Thank you, Eli. That's from the slow jams from our new album. Yeah. For Church of Lies. What I was thinking of.

Of course, I'm not the only one who noticed the hypocrisy here according to a's lawyer moishi sergovich that's real name real name not us making fun of someone no no it's yeah it's real yeah no there is no law regulating the work of moyles and as long as the mother was acting in accordance with her cultural heritage it really doesn't matter if she used needle nosenose pliers and scotch tape. As though it somehow defended the practice, Sergovich said, quote, for us, a man with a beard

and kippas is a few blessings that performs a bris on an eight-day-old baby. And that seems to be the most natural thing in the world to us, end quote. And I'm ending the quote, there's more to the quote, but does there need to be? If that's the point we're starting from, does it matter we wind up i mean i think we can all agree that if there had been a dude there with an unregulated amount of training whispering a magic spell this

wouldn't be an issue but right since there wasn't let's see uh andrew still can't invite over tweens for his wine and cheese bacchanalia on Sunday morning well he's not an Israeli though it has to be tacos and margaritas margaritas you could probably get away with that's cultural

improvise and realize you're a racist no but I've edited people who have before so to their credit prosecutors pointed out the whole cultural defense argument is a guaranteed way to legalize wife beating and child abuse especially if all one has to effectively argue to beat a child abuse rap is at least i didn't cut off any of his dick yeah an excuse I'm told I can no longer use. Speaking of Andrew, especially, now especially though if, as prosecutors allege,

A, perform the procedure as punishment for the kid's shit in his bed. Right? Prosecutors went on to describe the barbarity of the procedure which was done with a fully conscious kid, but the court has no choice to say, but yeah, screaming, bloody brutality, that's a bris though. Okay, but hear me has no choice to say, but yeah, screaming, bloody brutality. That's a bris though. Okay, but hear me out.

What if I found having a part of my dick cut off as a baby empowering? Because it's a part of my culture. What if? I feel like you want me to say something. You're racist against Jews. Racist against Jews. God damn it.

He's doing anti-Semite says what thing. I knew you were going to decide me off. You already said it. Don't need to. And finally tonight, from the tragically stupid, unemployed GOP bigot who Heath wants to have sex with file.

We have a story about not Sarah Palin curveball. Yeah. Also not about Dan quail, Robert price. Great guess. Also, also no, because none of those people had a truly historic sequence of awful statements

last week, but you know who did? Michelle Bachman and her sweet, sweet, homicidal Carrie death stare. I mean, they are all going to laugh at you, Michelle. They are. Yeah. Really, Michelle Bachman. I feel like she'd be looking off to the left the whole time.

I'm into that. I'm really into that. So a quick refresher, just in case anyone doesn't keep tabs on all the tragically stupid Republicans I want to fuck. This is just Tim Allen. Adding to list Tim Allen. So Michelle Bachman is a former U.S. representative from Minnesota who also served on Donald Trump's campaign team last year

as part of his evangelical advisory board that he had. You might also remember her from claiming the Lion King is gay propaganda. Or from that time she suggested that global warming is a hoax because

co2 is not a poison and there's no studies that say co2 is a poison or maybe you remember when she visited iraq and came back and described it as just like the mall of america with marble and water everywhere. What the fuck was happening? Or perhaps you remember her for not being able to picture her face. No, no, that was Sarah Palin you just pictured. No, no, that was your music teacher

from high school. No, that's Sarah Palin again. See? Impossible. Impossible. Yeah, so Bachman did a string of guest spots on an End Times radio show last week and had a DiMaggio-like streak of hateful nonsense. It was amazing. It really was.

We'll start with her claim that God made Donald Trump the president because he's the only person who could stop all the trans people from raping all the cis people while they're shitting. That's why we have Donald Trump. Maybe she meant in a flood the market kind of way. Like just empower so many rapists nobody would notice the trans raping. Because if anybody knows sexual assault. All right. Another highlight from last week.

Bachman started describing the plot from like half the god-awful movies we've done. She warned that all the people who don't like Donald Trump are helping the Antichrist take power in a one-world government. And I mean, yes, granted, we are building a virtual reality guillotine for Christian people,

but it's not like we're using it. It's just like a prototype. On Christians, it's a porn thing right now. It's a porn thing. Google guru porn and then show your kids. Tumblr that shit. Eli's porn recommendation of the week.

Number two. Exactly. Tasteful. Okay. One last thing, and this one's my favorite. Bachman tied it all together with the claim that the presence of halal-friendly food options in school cafeterias means the United States is now under the control of Sharia law. Oh, already. Quick review. Trump's going to deal with the trans people raping everyone in the toilet, but vegetable plates in schools are causing the rise of the Antichrist and the apocalypse.

So yeah, Michelle Bachman, make that movie. Talk to Sorbo and P-Rubes. They're doing some stuff. Yeah, they wanted to do some stuff. And we're going to get you started, obviously. Let's put 30 seconds on the clock. Ideas for a movie about Muslim cuisine causing the end end times go are you sure we haven't done this one this seems like a fairly vague topic i'm kidding um halal this and heaven too

yeah she is halal that yeah uh double double two points left behind It's like a deep, deep cut About Shawarmageddon The end of the world as we know it And I feel swine Never look baklava Sheep impact Revenge of the Kurds Try the lambda

Lambda, lambda Sorry about that What about Revenge of the Kurds. Yeah. Try the Lambda. Lambda. Lambda. Sorry about that. All right. What about... Thank you, Eli. Thank you. Lambda, Lambda, Lambda. Try Lambda.

Try the Lambda. Killed it. All right. What about Terminator 2? Judgment Flay. I'll be Baklava. Rosemary's baby ganoush nice and then our new show to review

them god falafel movies I was trying so hard to get falafel in there alright I got one more how about how I learned to stop worrying and love kebab nice ended on the best movie in the row yeah and now that I How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Kebab. Nice. Ended on the best movie in the row, yeah.

And now that I only have a few post-Rapture days left for me to beat Zelda, I'm going to need to wrap up the headlines there. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Emotional text ransom. When we come back, we'll start talking again. Okay, you guys ready for intro? Yep, yep, ready to go. The fucking, the Zolfos is probably got them electricals.

It's Thursday. It's Thursday I'm going to get you with this god damn Spears Noah it's Thursday it's April something or another and apparently

we do the show now oh shit here's a list of people on twitter who crossed me shit mother fucker god damn stupid shit here's a list of people on twitter who crossed me shit mother fucker god damn stupid if you wanted me to go left

you just put a fucking arrow in the god damn dungeon and I wouldn't turn that fucking way you want to just wait for his battery to run out yeah let's just wait for his battery to run out how the fuck would I ride a sand walrus that's not a slur. They're in that game.

Whites are the master race. All right, gentlemen. Welcome to the first ever meeting of NASA's CTI. Really excited. All right, let's go around and introduce ourselves. My name is Alan. I'm a theologian. I'm Greg.

I'm a theologian. I'm Tony. I'm a theologian. I'm Francois. I'm a theologian. I'm Greg. I'm a theologian. I'm Tony. I'm a theologian. I'm Francois. I'm a theologian. I'm Carter. I'm a theologian. I'm Dave. I'm a scientist. Wait, I'm sorry. One second. I'm Allison. I'm a theologian. I'm Hector. I'm a theologian. Sorry, can I just for a second?

I'm Jahud. I'm a theologian as well. I'm Isabella. I'm a theologian. Sorry, can I just for a second? I am Jahud. I'm a theologian as well. I'm Isabella. I'm a theologian. I'm sorry, just stop. Is everyone here at this million-dollar NASA program a theologian except me? Well, maybe not. Stop interrupting and you could find out. Yeah. I'm Kyle and I'm the last out. Yeah. I'm Kyle and I'm the last guy

and yeah, I'm a theologian. This is weird, right? We're all working for NASA, but everyone here has a degree in pretending. Hey! Everyone here but me has a degree in examining pretending.

I wouldn't say that. Really? Because I'm an astrophysic pretending. I wouldn't say that. Really? Because I'm an astrophysicist. I spent years studying like math and science to send rockets into space. I've studied an ever transforming body of scientific work for most of my life. Meanwhile, you people have the same book you had 500 years ago. What possible mutual understanding could we come to with this group? Well, Dave, here, I'll tell you what. Since you're such an expert, maybe you

can help us answer our first question for the day. Yeah. Okay, yeah, probably. What's the best way to tell aliens about Jesus when we meet him? Nope, nope, I'm leaving. Okay, I was thinking, like, pictures of Jesus. Okay, I was thinking like pictures of Jesus. Pictures, I like that.

They gave us a million dollars. Can you believe that shit? They gave him more than that. Hi, I'm Noah Lusions. And I'm Eli Bosnick. And I'm Heath Enright. As many of you know, we began our search last year for an academic intern to help out with the show, and we're in the process of reaching out to some of those who applied now.

It's our way of reaching out to someone in school who needs the credits and also is interested in the inner workings of our show and getting help with their own podcasting operations in a small, close-working environment. But after seeing David Barton and Glenn Beck's announcement this week, in addition to the academic intern position we're already seeking candidates for, we'd like to offer the even more exclusive hackademic intern position. That's right. For just $375, you'll be working exclusively with the Scathing Atheist crew.

Well, for us. For. For free. Minus the money that you'll be working exclusively with the Scathing Atheist crew well, for us for free minus the money that you'll pay us that's right, and each morning we'll begin in a classroom-like environment and walls, where you'll learn from our expert team

erotic Lyme disease cures editing, writing, formatting, posting hosting, and financially managing a podcast on an hour of sleep and a Mountain Dew. And of course, cooking ramen with Heath. You'll have access to our original library, which includes... Maps of the U.S. Fuck Tour. Diatribes Volume 1 and 2, available now on Amazon as well. And our 700-volume collection of Jokes Andrew Cut Because They're

Felonies. But don't wait. Positions are limited to a literal infinite amount of candidates who will give us 400 bucks to work for us. Ooh, price went up? Because internships weren't fucked up enough already. That's right. Before we set off to free the good people of Hyrule

from the century-long torment of Calamity Ganon tonight, I wanted to apologize for an egregious error in last week's feedback segment. Heath set up Andrew for his signature nope, and then I totally neglected to drop in the pre-taped bit before I published the show. I hope, as a listener, you know that I take that kind of shit really seriously.

I do my best never to let rookie bullshit like that make it into our shows. It's 100% my fault. And I'd love to say it had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that my new Zelda game showed up about three hours before we had to edit that episode. But you can always tell when I'm lying. So, yeah, really sorry about that. I'll do what I can to make sure it never happens again, even if that includes empowering Lucinda to take away my Nintendo privileges. Also, quick thanks to Heath for talking me down afterwards. You were right,

Heath. Now I am glad you took away that little midget samurai sword I was about to ritually disembowel myself with. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting on Monday at 7am Eastern, and an even brand new

episode of our sister show's hot friend Godawful Movies debuting 24 hours after that. And don't forget it's not too late to get tickets to see us live at ReasonCon in Hickory, North Carolina. There's a link on the show notes and we really hope to meet you there. Obviously I'm not allowed to stop talking before I thank Heath Enright for not screaming shut the fuck up about Zelda and pushing me out of the

moving vehicle when we went to New Jersey the other day and also for all the writing and shit that he does for the show. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for helping me figure out how to get to the tower south of Lake Hylia, and for scathing atheist-related stuff. I need to thank Eli Bosnick for dutifully pretending I don't suck at video games when I told him I'd only beaten the first two Divine Beasts so far,

and also for being funny all the time and whatnot. I also want to thank Trav and Morgan from the Bioskeptical Podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. No Zelda tie-in for that one, sorry, but if you'd like to check out their podcast, you can find a link in the show notes. And most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's best people, Keaton, DJ, John, Robert, Julia, Troua, Michael, Laura, Gabrielle, Jan, Louis, Zachary, Levi, Gary, Michael, Sawyer, Christopher, Max, Dano, G, Bernice, Jeff, and Maggie, other Laura and Todd.

Keaton, DJ, John, Robert, Julia, and Trowell, whose weapon skills make the black hynox of Hebra Summit look like an unarmed bokoblin. Michael, Laura, Gabrielle, Jan, Lewis, and Zachary have so much sexual magnetism the people of Hyrule just assume they've unlocked the powers of the Magnesis Rune. Levi, Gary, Michael, Sawyer, Christopher, and Max, whose testicles are the only globes

more sought after than the Hylian spirit orbs. And Dan, OG, Benice, Jeff, and Maggie, other Laura and Todd who are so hot, Link would need to equip the Flamebreaker armor set from Goron City to even withstand their presence. Together, these 24 forthcoming and forthright forgers of formal logic helped form the formula of our forcible forays into the forefront

of forbidden forethought by forking over a forfeited foretaste of their fortunes this week and giving us money. Not everybody has the internet connection and financial security it takes to give us money, but you probably do, and we don't ask you for much. So if you can, please make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an ad-free extended edition of every episode, or make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help,

a court order directly forbids you from making donations to a podcast, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes or by picking up a copy of Diatribes Volume 2, 50 more essays from a skating atheist from a Kindle store near you. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode,

which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. ... ... ... ...... You were told there would be Carl the Bug of Pegacorn exercise noises.

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