The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 218: Christianese Edition

Episode Date: April 20, 2017

In this week’s episode, Science tells us that we should have just called it PLUS, we learn the role of the Jewish people in starting the Marvel Civil War, and we’ll head to the board game aisle in search of ancient, supernatural wisdom. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To see us live at ReasonCon, get your tickets here: http://reasonnc.com/store/ To buy our book, click there: https://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Essays-Scathing-Atheist-Presents-ebook/dp/B06XQTJT4R To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Guest Links: Click here to check out the Embrace the Void Podcast: https://voidpod.com/ Headlines: Researcher suggest atheist population of America may be double previous estimates: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/04/14/researchers-say-a-quarter-of-americans-may-be-atheists-higher-than-any-survey-has-ever-suggested/ Foster parents lose kids for not teaching about santa and the easter bunny http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/04/13/foster-parents-lose-children-because-they-wouldnt-tell-them-the-easter-bunny-and-santa-were-real/ NC bigot congressmen propose bill to nullify same-sex marriages in the state: http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2017/apr/12/north-carolina-considers-legislation-roll-back-gay/ State House Speaker says no, even though he probably like the idea: http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/nationworld/ct-carolina-same-sex-marriage-ban-20170412-story.html British christians don’t think jesus was resurrected http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/04/09/23-of-self-proclaimed-christians-in-great-britain-dont-believe-jesus-was-resurrected/ Marvel artist sneaks pro-Islamist message into new X-Men reboot: http://religionnews.com/2017/04/12/marvel-comics-less-than-marvelous-muslim-mix-up/ This Week in Misogyny: Detroit doctor charged with performing FGM: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/post-nation/wp/2017/04/13/detroit-area-doctor-charged-with-performing-genital-mutilation-on-girls/?tid=pmpop&utmterm=.444c064c8bf2 Utah judge praises rapist as a “good man” https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2017/04/14/utah-judge-rape-sentencing-mormon-bishop-good-man/100488404/ P-Robes prefers ‘manly men’ http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/04/12/pat-robertson-i-prefer-manly-men/

Warning, the following podcast contains language that some listeners might find offensive. And honestly, we should have warnings like this for podcasts that modify unique and say all intensive purposes. That's way more offensive than the occasional fuck. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Dollar Shave Club, Upside.com, and by our Mitch McConnell description contest. Today's winner is AtRunningBeck, who had fetal alcohol syndrome turtle, which was basically a word mosaic of all the entries we got.

Well played, AtRunningBeck. Competition was fierce, so we're going to keep this one going. Keep sending us your favorites using the hashtag ScathingSonOfAMitch, and you could be the next winner. And now, the Scathing Atheist. This is Aaron. And this is GW from the podcast Embrace the Void. Here in the void, the worst of all timelines, we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men.

It's Thursday. It's like April 20th, bro. Oh, and now that he's risen, leave him on top of the oven to cool. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I don't do drugs. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York and Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, science tells us that we should have just called it plus

we learned the role of the jewish people in starting the marvel civil war and we'll head to the board game aisle in search of you guys know what this diatribe is going to be about before i do i'm just minding my own business trying to recover a thunder helm from the Yiga clan of the Gerudo desert. When Ross Dowd out of the New York Times publishes an op-ed that might as well be titled, Hey Noah, remember why you wanted a dedicated five or six minutes to rage against religious bullshit every week? And just in case I wasn't aware of it, within the span of three hours, no fewer than 63 listeners had sent me a link to the piece. So first of all, fuck you, Ross. Fuck you up the ass like the child victims of the priests that your Roman Catholic tithes pay to

protect. Before I even get to the substance of your column, I want to make it clear, in case you're wondering what you can go fuck, it's yourself. So the op-ed in question is a piece called Save the Mainline, in which Dalvat urges his liberal readers to get their asses back to church and then backs it up with the most self-serving, divorced-from-reality, unjustifiable series of papier-mâché rationalizations you can imagine. And I'll save you the 800 minimum word count and give you the whole argument in a nice, tidy 17-word sentence. It's not fair for conservatives like me to have to carry all the way to religion stupidity but of course he can't just come out and say that so instead he offers up a series of baseless unsighted bullet points about how churchgoers are just better people damn it and wouldn't you like to be better he then trots out a series of fallacious canards about how church

attendance makes people healthier and happier and i'd refute that but fuck it you've got that google those arguments have been debunked almost as thoroughly as flat earth theory so i'm not gonna piss away any of my time on them but i do want to spend a couple of minutes on his closing paragraph where ross writes this quote finally a brief word to the really hardened atheists oh that's us oh come on now by the way that's actually the best his argument will ever get so soak it up while you can anyway he continues quote sure all the beauty and ecstasy and mathematical order is because we're part of a multiverse or a simulation or something that's the ticket sure consciousness and free will are illusions but human rights and gender identities are totally real sure your

flying spaghetti monster joke makes you a lot smarter than aquinas carl barth martin luther king sure end quote so where the fuck do i even start i'm sorry dude did you just trot out the argument from trees are pretty did you actually use the argument that was so fucking stupid richard dawkins had to apologize to his readers for bothering to refute it in the god delusion oh and all the mathematical order I mean what are the odds that a complex system could be described numerically without an omnipotent deity keeping track all the numerators and shit is that really your argument can you even imagine a system that couldn't be described

mathematically what the fuck would that even look like dude if your assertion rests on an alternative so patently bizarre one can't even think it that's a pretty good indicator you're dealing with a shit argument i also love the nonsense at the end where he tries to do that thing that we do where we actually express what religious people believe in plain english and it sounds really stupid because the things that they believe are really stupid but it doesn't work when he does it because we don't believe stupid shit so he has to just make up stuff like a fucking six-year-old trying to explain a college philosophy text. But you know what? I'm going to set all that shit aside so that I can give that last sentence all the TLC it deserves.

Look, you self-important pseudo-intellectual jackass. The fact that you couldn't come up with three smart examples of Christians without resorting to Karl Barth should tell you all you need to know. You know, I'm not sure who's smarter between me and Thomas Aquinas, honestly, but I can guarantee you who's more knowledgeable. Comparing my conclusions to those of a guy who died 200 years before we figured out heliocentrism,

that really underscores how up-to-date your beliefs are, sure, but two can play at this game, Ross. Do you really think your consumption of messianic cracker flesh makes you smarter than Nietzsche, Hume, Mill, Schopenhauer, or the approximately two-thirds of present-day philosophers who are atheists? I mean, I get why a person in your position would want to act like knowledge pretty much peaked in the 13th century, but that don't make it true. But you know what? I can't really blame Ross Dow that for writing this bullshit. He's a conservative Catholic, and he's a fucking idiot. This is the kind of thing fucking idiots would just naturally write. But I can definitely fault the New York Times for

printing this bullshit because beyond just being aggressively stupid, it's also insanely bigoted. I mean, would the New York Times print a piece where a columnist suggested that all their lesbian readers go out there and try him some dick? Would they print an op-ed about how the Jews really need to give Jesus another day in court? I mean, look, even by the most conservative estimates, atheists in this country outnumber lesbians and Jews combined, but for some reason, the New York Times doesn't think we're as deserving of respect.

And I might not be any Thomas Aquinas or whatever obscure Swedish theologian Ross Douthat trotted out, but I'm pretty sure that's bullshit. They're talking about you jesus joining me for headlines tonight are a couple of easy riders heath enright and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to hit the road yeah i'm not sure if the tricycles eli's renting for us have enough gas tank space to fit all the cocaine but we're certainly gonna try certainly gonna try i found a better place to keep the cocaine anyway um really question are you gonna eat those teeth uh well the ones in my head no can i no okay just asking don't be weird

all right well eli's clearly been holding out so we're gonna pause for a quick break to tell you about this week's first sponsor dollar shave club god penny a half a penny somewhere in my mouth all right we're all packed looks like that's the last of it nice ready to go to reason con where's uh where's eli right here oh my eyes seriously pretty great huh put some clothes on eli where did all your hair go ah dollar shave club what i'm seriously gonna poke out my eyes is that thing from gilly about visual memory true i will do it glad you asked noah dollar shave club is the smarter choice and the best way to get a great shave at a great price. Conveniently delivered right to your door. No need to buy a cheap disposable razor that gives you a cheap shave or spend a fortune on razors with gimmicky tech you don't need. And when I use my Dollar Shave Club exclusive razor and their Dr. Carver's shave butter, the blade gently glides, giving me such a smooth shave.

Yeah, no, we can see that that not for long uh a fork i think i'm gonna use a fork okay but so eli the question was why ah because of the savings of course for a limited time new members get their first month of the executive razor with a tube of their dr carver shave butter for only five dollars with free shipping. After that, razors are just a few bucks a month. In your first month's box, you get an awesome weighty handle, a full cassette of four cartridges, and a tube of their shave butter. After your first month, replacement cartridges ship automatically at their regular price. There are no hidden fees and no commitments. Cancel anytime you like.

Join the club today at dollarshaveclub.com slash scathing. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash scathing. No, I mean, Eli, I get that. Dollar Shave Club sounds great. We meant, why did you shave all the hair off your body? Oh, oh, oh. ReasonCon stuff. Got it. We have a grapefruit spoon maybe that would work yeah dollarshaveclub.com the smarter choice like pink floyd in the wall oh i get it

and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight according to a new study awaiting publication in the journal social Psychological and Personality Science, the number of atheists in America could be between three and six times higher than polling data suggests. This comes to us from Will Gervais and Maxine Nagel of the University of Kentucky, who postulated that many Americans who fit the definition of atheist are still hesitant to self-apply that label. Can't imagine where they got a crazy idea like that uh bangladesh twitter uh wedding speeches by religious parents you gotta find an elevator you gotta wait for a lady to get in an elevator i get it there's a lot

to the movement wow all right so question is, if people aren't willing to report their atheism to pollsters, how do you get it to real number? Well, these researchers had a pretty clever idea. They started off

with a list of statements like just random stuff like I can drive a stick shift, I have played Scrabble, I have visited the South Pole, et cetera. Then they asked respondents how many of those statements

are true for them personally. Now, they didn't ask which ones were true, they just asked how many of them were true. So next, they get another sample and give them the same list, except they add, I don't believe in God at the end and ask the same thing. Now, assuming a big enough sample in both groups, the percentage of extra yes answers in the statistical data in group B

should give you a pretty good estimate of the number of atheists without making anyone admit that they're an atheist. Jesus, it's so difficult we need like a a factor tree and a secret ballot and a cretin liar maybe we just put everyone in a centrifuge shitty kindergarten word tricks what color is my shirt red line means how many gods are there none see told you told you you're an atheist if your hand is bigger than your face. Now, as many of you may have predicted by the fact that I'm talking about this, the numbers backed up their hypothesis. According to their analysis, they can say with 99% certainty that more than 11% of Americans are atheists, and they can say with around 93% certainty that more than 17% of Americans are atheists. Compare that to a whopping 3.1%

who are willing to admit that to a pollster. And then consider that when researchers switch the question from are you an atheist to do you believe in God, that number spikes up to 9%. Wow. We need like Frank Luntz to come up with a better word for atheism.

Maybe intellectual climate change? I don't know. There you go. But with like puppies and blowjobs or something somehow. Get on it, Frank. You have never done anything good with your life. It's about time. But with like puppies and blowjobs or something, somehow. Get on it, Frank. You've never done anything good with your life. It's about time.

An atheism-based blowjob drive would work so much better than Intelligence Squared. You could still skip around the boring parts. I'd still be okay with Matt Dillahunty and Sam Harris being involved. I'm a problem solver, is what I'm saying. And in goddammit

Virginia, there's a motherfucking santa claus news tonight derrick and francis bars whose name i will try to spend the rest of the story pretending i'm not a pirate saying the word fares when i pronounce are hopping mad this week when children's aid society of hamilton ontario really laid an egg in a move that nobody should think is funny. No one does think that. Yeah, this really bugs me too. Really hair

raising. See what you started, Eli? Bugs. See, the bars had their foster children removed according to their lawsuit because they refused to tell them about the Easter Bunny and Santa because they didn't want to lie to them. Well, to be fair, that kid could have been a lot nicer about the whole schooner sailboat thing. Now, here's the weird bit.

Derek is actually trained to be a pastor or Bible thumper, god so to speak thumper bambi so the lying is weirdly selective but apparently cas was incredibly dedicated to the family going all in on bullshit to the kids thing according to their claim the bars were told it was quote part of their duty as foster parents to teach the girls about the easter bunny because it is ostensibly part of canadian culture and ostensibly i'm picturing a social worker bumping into the kid it's like sorry sorry okay you can keep it but i mean you know what else is part of canadian culture scalping the french i mean i'm just saying either this is some selective bullshit or that prosecutor in Quebec is fucking with

Eli for nothing. Thank you. Call something toffee when it's just maple syrup you left on ice for a second. I responded the only way I could. Right? And again, we need to emphasize that the bars had no problem with telling their foster children about

the Easter Bunny. It's not like they wouldn't say Voldemort's name. They just had to tell them it was real. According to the Toronto Sun, quote, they assured the CAS worker that they'd buy new outfits for the girls and have a chocolate egg hunt. If that still fell short,

the children could always spend Easter weekend with another foster family. Their offer was refused, Bar says, weekend with another foster family their offer was refused bar says and the couple was warned their inflexibility is a problem according to their lawsuit they were given an ultimatum quote within quote tell the foster girls that the easter bunny was real or their foster home would be closed and i so want that to be a form letter. Social workers start sending the foster parents his own severed fingers.

I will chop off another one every day till you teach your kids about the Easter bunny. Really sorry about this. Sorry, sorry. I love the attempt at compromise here. Okay, what if we say Santa's based on a real guy and bunnies exist? Okay, you can get one kid.

Carrot and stick. Carrot. And in tar and feather heels news tonight, North Carolina's House Speaker shot down a proposed bill that would ban same-sex marriage in the state, noting that A, it's not in the power of a state legislator to overturn a Supreme Court decision, B, that they're just now getting back on

the ncaa's good side and c they've moved on to hating on trans people now and the state senators are gonna have to keep the fuck up damn it he calls a bunch of old congressmen in his office we're hating trans people now and we're using the new tablets but we like hating fags with a spiral notebook trans and tablet use the app use the technology what about gay trans people who said that this is serious so the bill hp 780 was sponsored by four republican lawmakers and would have declared same-sex marriages null and void in the state of north carolina regardless of what them judges with their fancy robes think house speaker tim moore reluctantly playing the part of the grown-up here explained that there are quote strong constitutional concerns with this legislation given the supreme court has firmly ruled on the issue end quote and then he asked his staffers

if using the modifier firmly made him sound gay but they said it did no because it made him sound gay, but they said it did. No, because it made you sound trans? Erections are trans now? Very good. Testing you. They are. So many different kinds of hate. So confusing. Look, I refuse to use any slurs but dyke and fag. That is the only one. You will not

police my language. I hate them. How many people do you mean? I mean, I hate them. How many people do you mean? I mean, all of them. Now, I wanted to talk about this for a number of reasons, of course, not the least of which is that we've spent the last couple of months asking our listeners to pump money into the North Carolina economy by

coming to see us at ReasonCon this weekend, and a couple of listeners have reached out, some quite emphatically, demanding an explanation of how we can justify that amid the half-ass effort to repeal HB2 and this kind of shit, and the obviously effective national boycott

that's pushed the North Carolinian legislator to at least go this far. And the answer is we've heard wondrous things about their Outback Steakhouse. It's the nice place to eat lunch there. Yeah.

No, look, obviously, there's a really strong case to be made that we should stay the hell out of North Carolina until they get their shit together, at least more together. But hamstringing ReasonCon would end in taking away a safe and welcoming environment for our LGBTQ allies in North Carolina and muting the voices of the people in that state who are fighting for a positive change. So, you know, maybe that justifies it and maybe it doesn't, but I figure I owed at least that much of an explanation to our concerned listeners. And with that, Culpa may it. I guess we can pause for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda.

A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. It's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. I got to brag about y'all this weekend.

I got to brag about y'all this weekend. I was talking to a couple of friends and one of them insisted that men only pretend to care about issues of gender equality in hopes of getting laid. And as a person who does a weekly segment on the issue to an audience that's about 75% men, I had a pretty healthy counter argument. I mean, look, I hear a lot of feminist commentators trying to get men to care by urging them to imagine it's your sister. But I feel like that insults your intelligence. It seems to me that you don't need to be a woman to be harmed by misogyny. Let me give you an example. We all like clits, right?

Well, the misogynists are coming after them. And not just in tucked away, fucked up, antiquated parts of the world like Somalia and Ethiopia. It's also happening in fucked up, antiquated parts of the world like Detroit. For example, 44-year-old Detroit area doctor Jumana Nagarwala was arrested last weekend for performing female genital mutilation earlier this year. And investigators suspect that this isn't the only time she did it. And as much as we tend to think of this as an other side of the world type of problem, I should point out that the CDC estimate that over half a million American girls

are either at risk of FGM or already victims of it. And since all the apologists tell me FGM is an African cultural thing rather than a Muslim cultural thing, I guess it's just a coincidence that I correctly guessed the family's religion upon reading the headline, even though they were from India. Either that or I'm magic, and Brock Turner's

judge better fucking hope it's the former. So, fewer clits in the world, bad for everybody, but that's not the only way sexism negatively impacts the men in the audience. Take the story out of Utah, for example. About 100 people sent it along in the last few days. This story begins when a jury found Mormon bishop Keith Robert Vallejo guilty of 10 counts of forcible sexual assault and one count of object rape. So this, of course, left the judge with an obvious ethical conundrum. Should he describe the perpetrator as a good man or a great man? I shit you not. After the conviction, Vallejo was released from custody while Judge Thomas Lowe fell all over himself to praise the asshole.

According to the Salt Lake Tribune, the judge said of Vallejo, quote, the court has no doubt that Mr. Vallejo is an extraordinary good man, but great men sometimes do bad things, end of quote. Let me stop you right there, your honor. Good men don't rape people. Neither do great men. Good rapists are the single bachelors of the jurisprudence, bro. And not only is this an insult to sexual abuse victims everywhere, but I'd say it's also a slap in the face of good and great men everywhere. Judge Thomas Lowe is calling you a bunch of rapists. Go get them. But there's one way that misogyny negatively affects men that I

really wanted to talk about today. And lucky for me, I got a perfect example from the host of the 700 Club and mid-arc opening Indiana Jones villain, Pat Robertson. See, one of the most pernicious undercurrents of sexism men deal with is this bullshit notion that the worst thing a man can be is feminine. Because who wants a world full of men who are emotionally empathetic, nonviolent, and able to cook? And P-Rubes went on a borderline homoerotic rant last week that perfectly encapsulated that attitude. On a military-themed portion of a show designed to, in his words, turn boys into men, he lamented the way that America's youth are being turned into a bunch of sissies. He said that today's college students, and I quote,

got to apologize for being masculine. They have to apologize for being white. They got to apologize for being males, end quote. Well, I'm running out of time, so I can't pick apart everything that's wrong with that bullshit. But I will say, hey, Patty, that's not at all what you need to apologize for. Also, I could whip your ass if I gave you brass knuckles and a head start. So don't fucking tempt me.

And with that idle threat against an 87 year old, I guess I can wrap it up and hand things back over to Noah Heath and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in London is calling news tonight. According to a recent poll by the BBC, 23% of self-proclaimed British Christians, or as we call them in the United States, atheists,

don't believe in the resurrection of Jesus. Yeah, and a quarter of their unemployed people have jobs. What? Yes, following the theme of this show that everyone in the world would rather take the stairs than ride in an elevator with Richard Dawkins. I'm picturing Beyonce's sister beating the shit out of him.

Just dragging him out like Ray Rice. Me too. Only 31% of the Christians surveyed believe in the biblical account of the resurrection. And just 41% of them think it probably happened, but the Bible, like, has parts wrong. I think it probably happened, but the Bible, like, has parts wrong. Yeah. Now, I want to reflect for a second on the fact that our American asses are surprised that only 31% of them are like, yeah, yeah, no, let an army of zombies into Jerusalem and nobody thought to write it down. No, that sounds reasonable.

What if I told you 800 people wrote that down? Could they all be lying? Yeah, or you could be lying. There's also that. Could they all be lying? Yeah, or you could be lying. Oh, there's also that. You could be lying. Prove to me you can survive a stabbing. Ross show. And look, obviously this is mixed news. It's good because we know that the island we eventually

escape to to escape the radiation is basically an atheist paradise run by whoever keeps their hand raised for more than a minute in parliament but it's bad because as long as people continue to use the term christian to obfuscate what that actually means because the internet taught them that saying no true scotsman on facebook means you get to call yourself whatever you want no matter what then these institutions will continue to do horrible things under the guise of a congregation they no longer have. Easy for you to say.

And finally tonight, from the Orthodox Jubilee file, if Marvel Comics had to describe how things went for them last week, they'd probably say, more anti-Semitic than we expected. And that's because they released the first issue of their new x-men gold series without realizing that the muslim artist they hired snuck in some judaism hating including a reference to an extremely offensive passage from the quran captain america is a nazi colossus is a jihadist. Dogs and cats living together. All right.

So here's what happened. Among other things, the artist drew one of the frames with the Colossus character wearing a T-shirt that says QS five colon 51. The Colossus character. He's not the Batman grandma. He's Colossus. Name a book without a staple you read in the last year. Do graphic novels count? No. Then no.

Alright, well, nobody at Marvel noticed this thing, but it... Toast! Sorry, wrong show. Well, so yeah, Marvel didn't notice it, but it did not take long before some readers pointed out that it's clearly a reference to the quran surah 5 verse 51 which basically says dear muslims don't be friends with jews and christians if you do then you're evil and god hates you now in fairness

that's pretty much zionist compared to some other lines you could have picked but still not not great there's also a scene in the comic where he placed the jewish character kitty pride's head That's pretty much Zionist compared to some other lines you could have picked, but still not great. There's also a scene in the comic where he placed the Jewish character Kitty Pryde's head next to the word Jew in the sign jewelry, which is really, really funny to look at. You got to Google it. She might as well be wearing the Star of David like arrows pointing at her and stuff. It's pretty great. I didn't know Kitty Pryde was Jewish. Yeah, no. She doesn't look Jewish. What does that mean to you? Look Jewish, Noah? She's pretty great. I didn't know Katie Pride was Jewish. Yeah, no. She doesn't look Jewish.

What does that mean to you? Look Jewish, Noah? She's crazy hot. Yes. No one was ever like, quick, Katie, phase through that. And she was like, I don't feel like it. No, Katie, we need you to. What?

No. Oh, now you want me to phase through something. Oh, just before it was, Katie, we're talking. Oh, Katie, we're busy. But now you need me to phase through something. I don't before it was, Kitty, we're talking. Oh, Kitty, we're busy, but now you need me to phase through something. I don't think I can right now, actually. I'm really tired. I'm so exhausted.

Come have French. Here's the thing. Back to the story. Fortunately for Marvel, it was actually a great week to be anti-Semitic. I don't know about that. I heard they only tied at Berkeley. Yeah, it's a weird sentence I just said.

Let me explain. I'm just saying that Marvel did not, for example compliment hitler on national television last week they also did not uh hire mark walberg to deal with asian people on their airplanes so as luck would have it they were actually pretty low on the list of dumb bigot looking stuff from last week so yeah no i thought the side story about wolverine opening an underground FGM clinic was touching. You know, it wasn't all bad. Oh, where's the comic with him and that lady from Detroit, huh? I'd read that. All right.

Well, despite the artist having lots of friends who are Jewish, apparently he really tried to use that defense. Even. For real. Despite that, he got fired, so we won't be seeing him working on X-Men stuff anymore. But that does free him up to do some freelance Jew-hating comics of his own. A passion project,

so to speak. And we're going to help him out with that. Let's put 30 seconds on the clock. Ideas for the Muslim superhero comic book series. Go. The Silver Sufi. That Mandatory

Palestine Returns. Midget and Muslim in the Apocalypse. The comic book. I don't really know how this works. Black Panther and the Malcolm X-Men. Oh, nice. Fad Wander Woman? No, ZakatMen. Oh, nice. Fadwa Underwoman?

No, Zakat Woman. Zakat Woman. Under the Red Ahmoud. Iraquaman? The Isis Man Cometh? That's a Eugene O'Neill play. I get... Oh, it's fine.

All right, I got one. I got one. Halal Jordan is the medin lantern charlie hebdo the killing joke oh god too soon yep is that too soon all right well how about uh muslim hellboy and the scalding hot superman we found it and with that telling display of how much more specific Eli's answers are, we can close off the headlines for the night. Eli, thanks as always.

Weird sex stuff at ReasonCon. And when we come back, we'll put the icon back in Lexicon. Okay, where do I put the cassette tapes? Just put them on the table with the Walkmans. Say 25 cents each? Sure, sounds good. Guys, what are you doing with all my stuff? Having a yard sale with GAM tour dates taking us all over the country for business this year.

We need to save the extra money. So you're selling my stuff? Yeah, so where do I put these KISS records? Ugh, again? Just stack them next to the Moon extra money. So you're selling my stuff? Yeah. So where do I put these KISS records? Ugh, again? Just stack them next to the moon boots. Okay, guys, you don't need to do this. Firstly, those are my belongings, but secondly, we can save plenty of money

just by using Upside.com. Oh, no, this is business travel, Noah. We don't need like a cheap flight site. You have 18 pairs of moccasins. Did you know you had 18 pairs of moccasins? Yes, I do. And it's on purpose. No, look, the way they do it at upside.com is super clever. Upside bundles your flight and hotel together for one low price. Bundled pricing saves money, especially on business travel. Plus, you still get all your miles. Wow. That actually sounds great. I found another trunk of zoot suits what what am i doing

another one uh put them by the bell bottoms yeah no that sounds great but i don't see what's so special about upside.com it seems like just a reduced flight well i haven't even told you the best part yet every time you buy a trip on upside not only do you save a ton of money, but they also give you an Amazon gift card worth $100, $200, even $300 every time. Wait, every time? Even better, when you use our code BizTrip, B-I-Z-T-R-I-P, you're guaranteed to get at least a $200 Amazon gift card for your first trip. Our code BizTrip gets you at least a $200 Amazon gift card free. How can you not do it? It's a no-brainer.

Save big on travel and get a big gift card every trip. Minimum purchase required. See site for complete details. Okay, you convinced me. Heath, let's bring it back inside. Man, fine, fine. But you carry the waterbed this time. It's ridiculous.

Upside.com, the best new way for business travel. Upside.com, the best new way for business travel. Here at the Scathing Atheist, we know that bullshit comes in many forms. We tend to focus on the kinds that have worldwide networks of professional bullshitters and lobbyists, but we don't want to completely ignore the other end of the bovine bowel movement spectrum. So with that aspect of our mission statement in mind, it's time for another installment of... How Bullshit Is It? So tell us, Heath, what mockery of modernity do you have for us today?

Today, we'll be talking about the Ouija board. I see. And what is a Ouija board? It's a mystical portal to the demonic realm from the people that brought you the grape escape and, hey, pa, there's a goat on the roof from them. I see. And how does the Ouija board work? It does not. No, I get that. This is the how bullshit is it segment. None of this stuff works. I figured by, oh, we wouldn't have to keep going through this every time, though.

No, no, no. You don't understand. Like, all forms of divination don't work, but this one doesn't work at not working. When someone lays out tarot, for example, at least, you know, random tarot cards do come out. When you ask a magic eight ball a question, it gives you an answer, technically. And when you reach into a bag and pull out a rune, it's not going to be accidentally a chicken. But the Ouija board doesn't even actually do the bullshit thing

it says it does. It's nothing. Okay, you're definitely correct. I do not understand. So maybe I'll just rephrase the question a little bit. How is the Ouija board supposed to work? Okay, so a Ouija board, it's just a board that contains the alphabet along the top, numerals beneath that, and also the words yes, no, and goodbye around the sides. And maybe a couple of upside-down stars and a Baphomet if you really want to scare the Christians. Okay, and what does one do with it?

Well, it comes with a planchette, which is a heart-shaped piece of wood or plastic sits on raised legs so you place the planchette on the board then two or more people call upon a spirit and pose that spirit a question once the question is formed everyone involved puts their hands down and lightly touches the planchette with their fingers okay and then what happens that that's it that's the whole thing that that can't be it well eventually somebody will get bored and start pushing the planchette toward a letter or something but you're not supposed to do that so yes that can in fact be it okay once again let me rephrase what's supposed to happen well i guess what's supposed to happen is that a demonic spirit from a subordinate dimension is supposed to possess four cents

worth of plastic manufactured by an underfed corporate slave in singapore and transcend the laws of space and time to tell you if he really likes you better than britney in middle school but barring that slight twitches in the fingers of the participants supposed to push the planchette around to create the illusion of communing with the dead or something and and that does the trick you have to be really stupid but it's the idea yeah it seems like our common prerequisite for the stuff we talk about on this segment this segment that the other ones are about religion oh this show yeah sorry my bad okay so what can you tell us about the history of the ouija board well the modern

ouija board was introduced to the world in 1890 by american businessman elijah bond there were earlier versions of the same concept of course including various forms of chinese ancient writing that go back to the 10th century, actually. Before the Ouija board made its way to the market, mediums were already making use of various planchette-based talking boards that worked on the same principle of, you know, subconscious finger scooching. Gotcha. However, despite its similarities to mystical predecessors When it was first released, the Ouija board was not considered A spiritual or supernatural device It was actually looked upon the same way people who aren't stupid look at the magic 8-ball today

Interesting, okay, so when did that change? Around after World War I, a lot of unscrupulous people realized They could use the same parlor trick to make people think they were talking to dead relatives. And sadly, the dead people I'd want to talk to market was booming at that time, so the new spiritual communion application took off pretty quickly.

Wow. What a disgusting display of heartless avarice. From spiritual mediums, no less. Can you believe it? Shocking. Now, do we know where the name Ouija comes from? That's from Charles Kennard, an associate of Bond, who named it after the Egyptian word

for good luck. Really? Ouija does not sound like an Egyptian word. It is not. It's just something that guy Kennard made up, but he said it was the Egyptian word for good luck for some reason. Gosh, okay, so it's like Mormonism. It is very much like Mormonism.

You'll occasionally hear that the name comes from a combination of the French we for yes and the German ja, also for yes. Because a few years after the game came out, the company that produced it was taken over and the new owner reinvented the history to make it seem like he came up with the game so a lot like mormonism almost exactly yeah a couple other similarities of note it caught on quickly in america but most of the rest of the world agrees that it's insane check it survives to this day even though a casual google can definitively disprove the primary claims it's founded on.

Big check. Big check indeed. And it scares the fuck out of Baptists. Yeah, I mean, I guess that's the wackiest aspect of the subject to me. How the fuck can people be scared of a board game? An inert one at that. Yeah, right. Exactly. Well, the simple answer is that religious fundamentalists are fucking nuts.

Since it came out, the Ouija board has been a big source of controversy for those people. The apologetics group Catholic Answers states in an official capacity by somebody paid to craft this kind of shit. They have a spokesperson. they have a spokesperson, they stated, quote, the Ouija board is far from harmless as it's a form of divination, seeking information from supernatural sources, end quote. You sure as is the word he was going for there? I am not. Because, you know, religious people hate it when you seek answers from supernatural sources.

Yeah, also that. Obviously. seek answers from supernatural sources. Yeah, also that. Obviously. It's also frequently listed alongside things like Pokemon cards and Harry Potter books as so-called symbols of witchcraft.

And although we don't have any official numbers on this, a sizable percentage of Parker Brothers Ouija-related profits, they definitely come from Christians buying one to set it on fire later. That has to be part of their profit. If only there was a way Christian parents could burn a podcast, we could triple our downloads.

So any other notable Christian Ouija freakouts to report? Yeah, so Human Life International has repeatedly called on Hasbro to discontinue the game. But the best stupid I was able to find comes to us from the Catholic bishops in Micronesia who called for a ban on the boards and also pushed the government to require the boards to carry a warning label telling customers that by using the boards,

they were talking to demons. And did Hasbro comply and add that warning? They did not. Why not? obviously all right well i guess that just leaves the obvious closing question then so heath how bullshit is it it's i have the sniffles so i can't attend my child rape hearing levels of bullshit the eye is george pell yeah gotta be clear all right heathwell thanks again and also thanks for keeping eli occupied with that trailer reese's pieces so he wouldn't make any more felonious medical claims on this segment no problem a couple of weeks ago a number of listeners sent me a link to a recent PRI report on the inner slang among evangelical Christians, and it led me down a strange little rabbit hole in which things make less sense once you know what they mean.

And since I'd already pissed away a bunch of my time learning these silly-ass terms, I figured I could challenge my co-host to a little competition to see who understands what the fuck these idiots are babbling about more. So it's time for a quick game of What the fuck are you babbling about? All right, let's meet the contestants. Heath Enright is a sexy Irish bachelor who enjoys looking like he's on a long walk on the beach and checking the IDs of his dates just to be sure.

I'm into astrology. That's what I meant. Sure. Eli Bosnick is a person whose personal details shouldn't be uttered on a medium that could later be used against him in a court of law. I'm ready. All right. You sound enthusiastic. So, Heath, we're going to start with you.

What is a popcorn prayer? Is it A, a prayer that tastes like styrofoam unless you put liquid cholesterol on it? B, a sermon where the congregation has to keep calling the same word back to the pastor? C, a prayer with a kernel of truth in the center, but a lot of florid and useless language around it? Trying to trick me with kernel. Or D, a prayer uttered quickly in public that inspires a bunch of other people near you to also pray? Why quickly? That feels like a fake of other people near you to also pray. Why quickly? That feels like a fake balderdash answer.

All right. I'm saying B, the one with the call and response. I'm picturing a pastor doing let me clear my throat, but with the popcorn in your throat noise. Like when I say, uh, you say. All right, judges, let's see how we did. That's right. Starting strong with five points on the board. And I did try to trick you with a kernel thing.

I'd like to steal. Too late. Eli, first question for you. What is a flash prayer? Is it A, a prayer uttered while showing your dick to someone unsolicited? B, a publicly uttered prayer or sermon that causes someone else to come to Jesus, C, a prayer that is uttered quickly as if in too much of a hurry

to show proper reverence for God, or D, a brief spontaneous prayer often made without interrupting what one is doing. Hmm. Okay, well, I have enough experience with A to know it's not that. Usually they pray for me. C seems totally fine to me.

I don't know why everyone thinks prayers have to last super long. Sometimes a nice short prayer is better anyway. So I'm going to go with D. And you are correct. We're tied at five points apiece. I would like to steal. We both want to steal. I said first.

No whammies. I said first. Stop. What is D? Bankrupt. said first. No whammies. I said first. Stop. What is D? Bankrupt. All right, Heath. What are doubled eggs? Are they A, a visual reminder of what percentage of a shit you give about cutesy Christian terminology,

B, a Christian term for having one's second child, C, a specifically Christian term for a popular egg recipe, or D, a polite term for visible cleavage at the top of a young woman's church dress. Okay, well, I'm rooting for D, rooting for D, but the word young is throwing me off there. I feel like it's not. They're like, no, wants me to pick D? I also like B, the second child thing.

They both feel consistent with a Christian understanding of biology. I'm going to go with B. Alright, and you are... What? Oh, no. Sorry, Eli. Now you have a chance for the steal. Oh, I'd like to steal. I'm going to go with...

D. Oh, sorry, Eli. It looks like you probably shouldn't have bothered to steal the answer a or c i'm gonna steal a c yeah no the actual answer is c it's a euphemism for the only at things where you invite old ladies nobody really wants their egg dish that sane people call deviled eggs but apparently that's it that's all it is yes Yes. It's called double-edged? But they can't say devil. They can't say devil. Because if you say that in a mirror, Satan will come and get you or something.

For shit! For foot poisoning! For foot poisoning! For foot poisoning! For foot poisoning! For foot poisoning! The whole fucking... This whole bit was just built so I could put that one in there.

W-E-E-U-P-S-I-D-O-W-N-6-E-S-S. That's it. And Eli, second question for you. Who are the Frozen Chosen? Are they A, the people Jesus will thaw during the end times to fuck up all those lion scorpion locusts? B, a derogatory name protestants use for catholics in reference to how stiff their church services are c christians who continue to support the disney corporation despite its progressive stance on lgbt issues or d people who espouse christian

principles in church but don't confront sin when they encounter it in their daily lives okay well i was going to go with parents who have seen Frozen more than four times, but since it wasn't an option, I dated a Catholic girl and B is tempting. I'm going to go with D. All right, Eli. And that answer is? Steel. Steel. All right.

No, counter steel. You can't. Counter steel. No, you never said. Whammies. All right. Eli's cheating. What's your answer?

I would like to steal. I'm going to pick C, the one where they, the progressive stance on LGBT issues. That's a great guess, but I'm sorry. The actual answer is B. I was going to say B. You didn't let me finish. To be fair, the online dictionary of Christianese doesn't call out Catholics by name. It just says certain other denominations with stiffer and more formal religious ceremonies.

And then it lists all the Protestant denominations as exceptions, you know, other than all of ours. All right. So none of the steals have worked so far. We're still tied at five points apiece. Heath, this is your final question of round one, and it's worth double the points. What is gastro evangelism? Is it a trying to say the entire Lord's Prayer in a single belch? B, a term for forcing people to listen to your Jesus spiel by buying them food. C, the tendency of some people to say grace particularly loud to cover up the sound of flatulence.

Or D, an unrehearsed testimonial about it to Jesus that comes straight from your gut uh it's definitely B forcing people to listen to your Jesus spiel with the food um it's like dating it it's consensual if you buy food that's okay well the bell's gonna ding but I don't know if I want to attach the word correct to that particular answer so no point one way or the other you you do get the points 10 of them reason con and eli to wrap up round one what is carnal christianity is it a the best kind of christianity b a term used around children for the parts of the bible that deal with sexual issues c a term for single people who overcome lustful desires by finding all the satisfaction they need in Jesus.

Or D, the use of lascivious storytelling elements to spread the gospel. Oh, well, as much as I hope it's D, really would love a Fifty Shades of Grey reading of Ecclesiastes. And let's be honest, that's the only thing that's going to work on me at this point. I'm going to go with C. All right. Hoping to keep with C. All right. Hoping to keep the tie. Judges, how do you do? Oh, sorry, Eli.

That is incorrect. Heath, you have a chance to steal for 10 points. Damn it. D, the use of lascivious storytelling almost to spread the gospel. Great guess, but this is actually a bit of a trick question. The correct answer was A.

I had not said final answer. What? Well, the term refers to people who say they're Christian, but keep doing all the fun sex stuff. So I interpreted a little. So at the end of round one, Heath is sitting at 15 points, Eli with five. But in this next round, it's going to be 10 points apiece.

I'm going to give you guys a common Christian acronym, and I'll ask you to come up with what it means. Whoever gives me the best answer will win 10 points. So, Eli, you're behind. You get first crack at this one. A Christian is telling you about a congregate and warns you in advance before you talk to them that they're an EGR. What does that stand for?

Elegant gay rhinoceros. Teeth? It's not elegant gay rhinoceros? I didn't say it wasn't. Can I say the same thing? No. Alright. They warn you before you talk to them

they're an EGR. Early gag reflex. You need to know that going in. Yeah, no, you do. Okay, those are both better than the real answer, which is extra grace required. It's a euphemism for a person who's a pain in the ass to talk to because they're a self-involved asshole. Now, I'm going to have to give the points to Heath here. Eli, remember to include the setup.

If one of the other churchgoers was an elegant gay rhinoceros, they wouldn't be warning you. They'd be, you know, telling you to go in there and get you some. Maybe you think it's a normal rhinoceros, and then the rhinoceros has that, like thing and you're just like jesus you know no you're right i i will look to the judges but no they're not reconsidering all right next up heath everyone knows the classic wwjd but what does it mean to christians when you reverse those letters to dj ww um don't judge white women. They can't help it. And Eli? Don't judge white women and $1.

Oh, sorry, Eli. You have more words than there are letters. So I'm just going to have to give those points to Heath as well. Wait, does Jesus want watermelon? That's better, but he still gets the points. The real answer, by the way, is devil just won't win. I was way closer. Yeah, no, you guys tried way harder than they did.

I didn't even go over. Okay, so Eli, you get first crack at this one. You're sharing an ongoing and seemingly intractable personal problem with a Christian friend, and their advice to you is to push what do they mean put your shoe here um heath fuck you science i guess since eli got closest to using the actual letters i guess guess we're going to give those 10 points to him. The real answer, which I love so much, is pray until something happens.

So do less. All right, new scenario. And Heath, you get first crack at this one. You ask a Christian friend what he likes to do in his spare time. And after thinking about it for a second, he tells you he's really into CCM. What is he into?

Cold cut meats. Everybody likes sandwiches. Don't make it dirty. Eli? Cock, cock, and more cock. And look, I know that's not the answer, but I'm also right, so I want points.

Well, I'll tell you what, the real answer, which pales in comparison to both of yours, is contemporary Christian music. But I'm awarding those points to Eli because I like cock more than cold cuts. All right, final question in this round, and it's one of the worst acronyms I have ever encountered. Christians like to try to work acronyms into, like, already existing Christian words. So Bible would be basic instructions before leaving Earth. Christ would be...

Fuck you! Right, no, I like this one even better christ is certainly his resurrection is supreme truth but nowhere do they fail more than the acronym i found for grace and if you want to know how bad it is the answer only has four words in it so for double the points what is the shittiest acronym for grace that you can come up with uh get ready alan christ encroacheth it's very specific for alan it's supposed to be four words though right um best accountant on the eastern Seaboard, Alan Christ. If you need taxes, use our code, alanchrist.com forward slash scamming.

Worst acronym for grace. I'm going four words. Grace, race, ace, sea. Well, I think Heath came closest to spelling out real words in his notes there, so I'm tempted to give those points to him, but they're going to have to go to Eli because it's more fun if everybody's really, really close. So that's his 20

points. By the way, the actual answer was God really covers everything. God really covers everything. God really covers everything god really uh covers everything really covers everything all right so after the first two rounds we're sitting at 35 points for heath and 45 for eli now these next questions are worth 25 points each and you're gonna each have a crack at them

your goal here is to spot the fake, four choices for each. Heath, you are behind, so you get first crack at question one. Which of the following is not a real term on the online Christianese dictionary for a type of Christian? A, a boomerang Christian, someone who leaves the faith often in life, but recommits themselves to Christ every time. B, a prego Christian, someone who claims to support for a doctrine as found in the Bible, but can't find it when pressed.

C, an Alka-Seltzer Christian, a newly baptized Christian whose initial enthusiasm quickly dissolves without a trace. Or D, a rice Christian, someone who only pretends to be Christian so that the missionaries will give them food. Which of those four is not a real type of Christian?

Oh, I feel like it's D. Rice Christian means they're white and they stick together, as I understand it. But I think you're trying to trick me again. I'm going to go B, Prego Christian. And that answer is... What? Oh, I'm sorry, Eli. Chance for the steal here for 25 points i am gonna go with d there's no way they

admit that about themselves and missionaries that's why i put it in there but no that actually was not the answer the real answer is a the boomerang christian as pretty much nobody ever comes back okay things are heating up here because the points didn't change at all so two questions remain and it's eli's chance to go first which of the following is not a common christian nickname for jesus a floaty toes b nazareth blackie c the is the Israeli Double, or D, Jerusalem Slim. Okay.

Three of those are real. There's no way Nazareth Blackie. Nazareth Blackie. Hold on. I can't live in a world where Nazareth Blackie is real. I'm going to go with B. B. I'd like to go with B. B.

I'd like to steal. Well, we haven't found out. I'm pretty sure you tricked him. But he is wrong because I would not have put Nazareth Blackie there of my own volition. I can't believe I live in this world. You do have a chance at the steal there, Heath. I will steal A, Floaty Toes. And the real answer is C, The Israelis. God damn it. I was worried that I'd made that

too clever and you'd be like no Christians would never want to come in but no Floaty Toes Nazareth Blackie Who the fuck calls him Floaty Toes? Are you calling him the Nazareth Blackie? David Duke? Common Christian nickname Well I'm sure David Duke is a Christian

Anyway, alright So we've got one question remaining and whoever whoever gets it right is going to win. If nobody gets it right, the win is going to go to Eli. I have so many follow-up questions. That's all right. We'll do another version of this eventually. So, Heath, you've got first crack at this final question, which will be for the win. Which of the following is not a Christian term?

A, a God incidence. B, the Godatorium. Those have to be real. C, knee mail. And D, wham bam thank you lamb. D is very tempting because I think it's thank you blam honky tonky thank you donkey or something like that

I think you have D wrong but I know you're trying to trick me I know you've been doing this the whole time god damn it and A and B are clearly suggesting that it's either A or B test taking wise I would have to pick either. Shit.

First instinct, D. All right, judges, for the win is the answer. Wham, bam, thank you, lamb. Yeah! No! D! He went to the place! All right, congratulations, Heath.

We edit out the point where I tallied up the points. Andy Wilson, see how easy that is. And of course, we find that while Eli made a valiant effort by accumulating a total of 45 points, our winner by 15 points is Heath Enright, proving that Heath has tried to fuck more Christian chicks. Congratulations, Heath. You have proved once again that you are better than Eli.

And that's going to do it for today's edition of What the Fuck Are You Babbling About? Before we gas up the tricycles tonight, I wanted to let you know that this is your last chance to come see us at ReasonCon. There are still a few tickets available. You'll find a link on the show notes. And seriously, we would love a chance to thank you for listening in person. Anyway, that's all the Blast Me we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday, or come see us record exactly that episode on Saturday. I hate to sound like a broken record here, but seriously, come on.

Obviously, I have to dedicate a few seconds here to thanking everybody who's picked up my slack while I've been gallivanting around Hyrule and saving princesses and shit. So huge thanks to Heath Enright for making sure Eli doesn't do anything on the driving on the way to ReasonCon. Lucindelusions for offering to back that up at gunpoint. And Eli Bosnick in advance for eventually forgiving me for not using padded handcuffs. I also need to thank Aaron and GW from the Embrace the Void podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Pretty new show, but the last two episodes include an interview with Andrew Torres and an episode titled Penis Demons. So, I don't know that I can give it a much better pitch than that.

But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous mammalia, Jess Conrad, Caitlin Gallaroo, Aaron, Matthew, William, Christopher with a K, Laura, Jim, and Greg. Jess, Conrad, Caitlin, and Gallaroo, who are so badass, even United Airlines knows not to fuck with them. Aaron, Matthew, William, and Christopher with a K, whose ejaculations clearly weren't factored in when the US military started talking about

the largest non-nuclear blast in world history. And Laura, Jim, and Greg whose wits are so sharp the tech guys over at Dollar Shave Club asked for an introduction. Together these 11 elegant, eloquent elites elongated our allegiance to eliminating the elevation of illogic this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money to give us money, but

if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingadeus, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeus.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music

used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingads.com. Boy, did that get dark quick. Wow. Nobody likes old people. You find me a person who likes old people, I'll find you a retarded person.

That's science. That's just science. I love grandma. Every time. Every time. Yeah, you drink ketchup, so... The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.