The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 219: Nerd Kraken Edition

Episode Date: April 27, 2017

In this week’s episode, the march for Math and Social Studies go vastly underreported, Ray Comfort Freudian slips on a banana peel, and we run out of excuses to keep the Book of Mormon on hiatus. If you’d like to support Citation Needed (and get a sneak preview of the new show), you can find our Patreon Page here: https://www.patreon.com/citationpod To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Headlines: March for science: http://religionnews.com/2017/04/22/thousands-rally-for-truth-evidence-based-policies-at-march-for-science/ ID proponents bitch about being left out of March for Science: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/04/21/intelligent-design-advocates-are-angry-theyre-not-partners-in-the-march-for-science/ San Antonio Mayor: Atheists are broken people who cause poverty: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/04/22/san-antonio-mayor-homelessness-is-caused-by-broken-people-who-dont-believe-in-god/ Defense Department expands list of recognized religions to include “humanist”, “deist”, and “no religion” http://religionnews.com/2017/04/21/defense-department-expands-its-list-of-recognized-religions/ Oprah celebrates anti-LGBT pastor in upcoming series: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/04/20/oprah-winfrey-celebrates-anti-lgbt-pastor-john-gray-in-new-eight-episode-series/ Ray Comfort announces “Banana Man” book release: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/04/22/ray-comfort-wrote-a-book-about-his-infamous-banana-video/ This Week in Misogyny: Another MI doctor arrested over FGM investigation: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/04/22/another-mi-doctor-arrested-along-with-his-wife-for-assisting-with-female-genital-mutilation/ Bye-bye Billy: https://www.theatlantic.com/news/archive/2017/04/why-was-bill-oreilly-really-fired/523614/

Warning, the following podcast contains sincere, heartfelt reflections on community and friendship. But don't worry, we also still say fuck. This week's episode, The Scathing Atheist, is brought to you by BloomThat.com Upside.com And by our Mitch McConnell Physical Description Contest. Today's winner is AtBaronAtomy, Who had a brief dialogue that went like this Evil Scientist 1

Nobody can make a half clam half croissant Evil Scientist 2 Hold my beaker I played Baron Adamy I'm kind of hungry Next week we're going to switch over to Describing Alex Jones in 5 words or less So send us your favorites using the hashtag

Scathing Alex Jones And you could be your favorites using the hashtag ScathingAlexJones and you could be the next winner. And now, Scathing Apes. My name is Craig and I'm just some guy from Statesboro, Georgia. I'm a former Mormon. Mormons love genealogy

and my dad claims that he has traced my family's history all the way back to Adam and Eve. So, obviously, I am the crowning jewel of all of God's glorious creations. While all of you smelly motherfuckers evolved from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's April 27th. And we haven't slept in four days, so this one's gonna get weird. Oh yeah, I'm no illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. New York, New York. Secret Lair, Pennsylvania. This is Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, the March for Math and Social Studies go vastly underreported. Ray Comfort, Freudian slips on a banana peel. And we run out of excuses to keep

the Book of Mormon on hiatus of this week's diatribe is going to be a bit different than what you're used to. No new assholes will be ripped here today. And to explain why, I want to kind of put you in my shoes for a minute. So in this example, you're you and you do whatever job it is that you do, right? Whether that's driving a truck or inspecting electrical wiring or whatever. And one day, somebody you've never met comes up to you and says, hey, I just wanted to thank you for doing such a good job driving that truck. And I want you to know that it really helped me when I was going through chemotherapy. And while you're still trying to put the pieces

together on that one, another person comes up to you, introduces themselves and tells you that you helped them get through the death of their wife. And before the night's over, another half dozen people have come up to you and told you how pivotal you doing your job was in the lowest point of their life. And of course, the whole time you're wondering how the hell your job could help anybody through anything like that. I mean, you're good at your job. Sure, you drive the hell out of that truck or inspect the fuck out of that wiring or whatever. But what does that have to do with coping with the loss of a loved one or life-threatening medical conditions?

So now I ask you, if that happened to you the way that it happened to Eli, Heath, Lucinda, and me this weekend at ReasonCon, how the fuck do you go back to your job on Monday and treat it the same as you did the week before? How could you go back into the office knowing what you know now without being terrified you were going to fuck it up? Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not getting any delusions of grandeur here. I know that for the vast majority of you, we're just incrementally better commute fodder than flappy and patches in the morning but statistically

speaking at least a couple of you are going through chemo right now and this podcast has taken your mind off of it or or it was until i just brought up the fact that you're going through chemo fuck so you see what i mean five years i've been doing this shit without reminding chemo dave that he might not pull through. And now that I know he's there, I'm fucking it up. Sorry, Dave. Sorry about that. I'm sure you'll be fine. So, yeah, I've spent the last couple of days sort of like working my way through all that. And I've got to admit, at first I got a little puffed up by it. You know, I'm trying to keep myself grounded. But when I hear like that, I help the person through chemo.

Some part of my ego is flexing in front of a mirror going, whose voice cures cancer? Yours does, you sexy bastard. And then on the other end of the emotional scale, I got my neurosis going. If the dick jokes aren't good enough this week, chemo Dave is going to give up and shoot himself. So been a bit of a stressful weekend for me. But the realization that keeps an imbalance is that if anything, I'm just closing the circle. Because if you really want to know what it's like when somebody says that you helped them through the lowest point in their entire life, I can show you because you helped me through the lowest point in my life. When my wife and I both simultaneously lost our jobs and our home and we had nowhere to go and no car and no ready job prospects, you hired us to write dick jokes for you.

When I was terrified by the prospects of tomorrow, you were the only thing that I could cling to and you were what saw me through. What's more, I know that at some point in the future, I'm going to go through something a lot worse and I'm going to be counting on you to help me through that too. And look, if I can repay a few of you here and there by being an anchor of normalcy

when your world's falling apart, if I can be a voice of reason when the buzzards of evangelism are circling around you, if I can be a laugh that camouflages your pain for a minute, that pales in comparison to what you've done for me. I owe you a hell of a lot more than dick jokes. So, with apologies again for the sentimentality of this monologue,

I want to wrap up here on a bit of a call to action. I know most of the people listening to this have never been to an atheist convention. Most of you have probably never been to any kind of atheist meetup of any kind. And I really want you to do yourself the favor of changing that before the year's over. I just spent another weekend hanging out with some of the best people I know, all of whom I'd never met if it weren't for things like ReasonCon. Look, atheism is about God not existing and the stubborn societal insistence to the contrary. And that's pretty much all it's about.

But the atheist movement is about people and it's about relationships. And that's the only real strength the movement has. Nothing combats internal division better than showing up in person and turning Godfrey underscore 88 into Steve. The friendships and camaraderie of these conventions are the mortar. And in case you're not keeping up with the news out of the Supreme

Court, I should remind you that there's a pretty important wall that could use some extra bricks. So do yourself that favor. Go somewhere where you can express yourself freely and say all the shit you usually have to censor. Go make some heathen friends and get shit face together with people who don't think that there's an omnipotent deity watching over them, judging them for how much alcohol they've consumed. Go accidentally help someone through chemotherapy or the death of a loved one and go meet someone who would help you through the same. And to those of you who would accuse me of cynicism, and I'm really just saying all this because I want you to come to our live recording of God Awful Movies on Saturday, June 10th at the Beautiful People's Improv Theater in New York, New York

and I figured tugging on your heartstrings would be a good marketing play. Well, I'm not going to say you're wrong, but I already apologized for this diatribe twice. They're talking about you, Jesus. I interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are a couple worn out motherfuckers, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you recovered from the road trip? Well, I mean, the drive was fine. I have not recovered, however, from Eli denying my kiss on stage.

Super awkward. Right? Yeah. The problem with ReasonCon is not enough dudes put their mouths on me without asking. The shorts are so comfy. Dude, I swear to God. You need to stop sending me sexy pictures of those shorts.

If shorts are long enough, you can jerk off into them and then just use the bottom as like the tissue. I'm going to take all your clothes. Eli stole Heath's shorts. Otherwise, none of the jokes in this week's episode will make sense. I'm just telling you that up front. This, by the way,

was 12 hours in a car both ways. Because of that, I need a quick nap. So we're going to take another quick break and tell you about this week's first sponsor, Bloom That. Shouldn't have left him in my house. I'm going to show you all your clothes like fucking Joey and Chandler. Hey, folks. Quick interruption for a very important announcement.

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And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, ReasonCon was amazing. Yes, it was. Got to meet some wonderful people. Got to first base with several fantastic dogs i'm pretty sure i consumed scotland's gdp and scotch along with andrew torres and of course i enjoyed taking a road trip with my best friends like noah lucinda andrew anna and morgan so great all around great time but hickory north carolina wasn't the only place with a reason conspiracy event at the same time the nation's capital was hosting the march for

science okay let's reflect on this for a second a pro-reason conference conflicted with a pro-science march on a pro-earth day and as much as that seems like rooting for entropy or lobbying for ruthenium to have an atomic weight of 101.07 all those things were necessary the amount of things i know about that sentence is staggeringly small i didn't even put in the plus minus.02 on you. Brexit. Now he gets it. It really seems like this sort of thing shouldn't be necessary. It feels like everyone could just walk around like normal

in their hometowns and we could just continue agreeing that doing science has been pretty strong public policy since the dawn of humanity. It also felt like we agreed to not elect an 80s movie villain as president that one fell through so now we're likely to have an anti-vaxxer in charge of vaccine safety we have a creationist in charge of public schools and we have a denier of carbon

based global warming in charge of the goddamn ep EPA. Now the nerd kraken has been released. Watch the fuck out. That is 472 hit points of raw chaotic evil coming after you. Put a plus 10 modifier and strengthen immunities to lightning, bludgeoning, piercing, and slashing from non-magical attacks, motherfuckers. You got nobody to blame but yourself. And this is the nerd version version so he gets extra intelligence too yeah but in 5.0 mm is equal to fiagra in strength so assuming you're not attributing to a specialty

oh it's fine for no to talk about sciencey stuff we never talk about things i like but that's probably for the best you like yeah i want to fuck a child that's why that's why we don't talk about yeah and we're back from the edit. Anyway, the idea that we need to sell science again is fucking terrifying. However, there was a fun side story. The Discovery Institute got rejected from being a partner with the March. If you're not familiar, they're a group of pseudoscientists who probably wear lab coats around for no reason.

And they want to force intelligent design theory into science class. Well, I'm going to Dwayne Reed. I need my coat. Guaranteed. Exactly. Just like pharmacists. And our listeners might remember them from the movie Expelled where they presented the argument of not touching the Bible can't get mad. the argument of not touching the bible can't get mad so basically a bunch of white guys in black face wanted to march with mlk and he was like i have a dream go fuck yourself and in poison ivy news tonight atheists can apparently now add poverty to the list of societal ills were the cause of and i know what you're thinking You're thinking we eat the already born babies.

That lowers the going rate for aborted fetuses. Suddenly immigrants are the only ones willing to sell aborted fetuses at market value. White women are out of a job. Racist. I was concerned about the Mexican women and their profit margin. We had Mexican last night. Can we have a Thai baby? Who's going to try?

The truth is actually even simpler than that. And it all comes to us from San Antonio Mayor Ivy Taylor, who explains that we're just broken. Okay, lucky guess. 11 more reasons. But that's not representative. This revelation came last month during a mayoral forum that was part of a low-energy debate for upcoming candidates for the position.

Anyway, among the questions posed to said candidates was their opinion on the deepest systematic cause of generational poverty. To which a black woman in the American South answered, can you repeat the question? Yeah. I have to stop to get an answer to this. Oh, gee, that's repeat the question? Yeah. I got an answer to this. Gee, that's a great question. Question like that, one we should all really ask ourselves. How about a round of applause for that asker, huh? Yeah.

Sorry. Yeah. And happy birthday. Your birthday was pretty recent. By stalling? You're stalling. If I was stalling, what would that look like? Now, I'll admit, this is kind of a tough question.

I don't know the right answer to this question, but I can tell you what the right answer isn't, and I'm going to do that in the form of quoting the mayor. Taylor answered thusly, quote, To me, it's broken people. People not being in a relationship with their creator and therefore not being in a good relationship with their families and their

communities and not being productive members of society end quote and her answer actually started with uh yeah i see her from the christian coalition reporter so my flow chart says turn to the fuck atheism yes right not sure if that makes it better or worse. At least she knew where she was on the flow chart. In her public apology, I want her to be like, my finger was on the page. My finger was on the page. And I want to emphasize here that

we're not talking about some crackpot, you know, got enough signatures, trade an Oreos for him at the bus station. The rent is too damn high type of candidate here. We're talking about the current mayor the current african-american mayor and she thinks the reason we have a generational poverty problem is all the damn atheists are too busy worshiping carl sagan and sacrificing finches to go out and get a job okay well to be fair statistically everything is the opposite of what she said so maybe it's

like a double bluff like a secret wink to her atheist constituency and san antonio yeah yeah probably quite large um well if everything that she said is the opposite of true i have some finches to go resuscitate so we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible. A horse, which one? If it's a legitimate race. You're a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Masajid. I fucking love ReasonCon. And while Noah already said it better than I could in the diatribe this week, I want to take a moment to say how wonderful it was to meet all of you. And I'd especially like to thank everyone who came up and told me how much our show and this segment means to them. I'm afraid I'll never quite be able to express how much the feeling is mutual,

how transformative the ability to give voice to women in the secular community is, and that I, too, want you to come to the New York show on June 10th at the Beautiful People's Improv Theater. Tickets are still available. And while we're rolling with good news, I've got a quick update to last week's genital mutilation story. Police have arrested another doctor and his wife for their role in the underground FGM clinic we talked about last week. And since I'm bringing it up anyway, I want to address a piece of feedback I got from multiple listeners along the lines of, I want to address a piece of feedback I got from multiple listeners along the lines of, you admit the FGM is a cultural, not religious problem, but then you talk about how FGM is all Muslim-y. Okay, not exactly a quote and not exactly what I admitted, but that's the gist of the complaint.

Look, pretending FGM follows Muslims wherever they go is as useful as pretending the vultures of horror follow Nigerians wherever they go. But I don't think it's unfair or incautious to point out that genital mutilation is a problem the Muslim community has. We're not out to provide legitimate ammo for illegitimate bigotry. But until all these listeners also start reaching out to point out that Kevin Swanson doesn't represent Christianity because their grandma closed one eye when she reads the Bible, I think we do ourselves a disservice as feminists and or good faith guardians of equal rights. And as well-intentioned as the message about culture versus religion are, if we aren't willing to talk about the religious motivation for this behavior, we're not talking about the problem. And to win the naysayers back, I've got one last piece of good news for you this week that we can all get excited about.

As you probably know, professional misogynistic asshole and melting Bill O'Reilly statue, Bill O'Reilly was officially fired under a maelstrom of mounting sexual harassment allegations this week. O'Reilly was given the boot after all the advertisers except Catheters, local car salesmen, and Gospel Elvis albums withdrew their support. Catheters, Local Car Salesman, and Gospel Elvis albums withdrew their support. Billy says he plans to continue his career with a podcast, which is just fine by me because now we can have one of those actual podcast feuds. And that seems way more fun than Eli telling the audience to kill Thomas' family at ReasonCon. Eli.

And with the knowledge that Andrew is screaming, why did you have to remind them at his phone somewhere? I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And if you didn't want atheists in it, you shouldn't have made it sound so much like fuckholes news tonight. Thank you. Not what I'm talking about. Reason Con 28.

No, no, no. The Defense Department decided last week that it's okay to die for your country, even if you're not going to go to heaven. In a move that many are describing as enigmatically overdue, the Defense Department announced on Friday that they'll be doubling their list of recognized religions in the armed forces. And among the new additions are humanist, deist, and no religion. So they now officially recognize blank. What does that even mean? Like they're going to send the joint chiefs

to reason con next year we'll get into some weird shit with the joint chiefs yeah no kidding i got a staff infection staff infection is heath's cutesy nickname for aids he's got a lot of his cutesy nicknames for aids now apparently this is something the dod did back in uh in march but they just got around to announcing it officially now because maybe they were hoping trump wouldn't notice since he's threatening to take his ball and go home at this point and the new policy will guarantee that humanists and members of other minority faiths will have the same rights privileges and protections as everybody else because apparently the constitution didn't already do that who knew

okay but they aren't supposed to be asking and telling about religion anyway. I thought we solved this by handing out taboo buzzers to all the officers. That's worked so well. Taboo buzzers is Heath's cutesy nickname for the torture at Guantanamo Bay. He also has a lot of cutesy nicknames. He's got a lot of cutesy nicknames for most disgusting shit. HIV W plug. Sorry, I thought of that one earlier and it was just stuck in my brain

nailed it so the new move expands the list of recognized religions from just over 100 to 221 in addition to adding a couple of new ways to say i admit that there's no god they've also tripled the number of jews they recognized from jew to reformed, Orthodox Jew, or Conservative Jew, and they've added clit-ring-based religions like Asatru and Heathen as well. So the end result is that we've gotten a step closer to equality, and it's now easier for people with stupid hippie religions to die. Kind of an all-around win, if you ask me. I don't know, man.

Send over enough Unitarian Universalists, and the enemy will be killing themselves. Just, oh, fine, I guess words have no meaning then? You'll get to get tape. list and the enemy will be killing themselves just oh fine I guess words have no meaning then you're getting a tape and in you get a show you get a show everybody gets a show news tonight TV personality and vile

scut Oprah Winfrey reminded us all that she did not accidentally eat herself yet this week by adding another asshole to TV that she didn't need to. Wait, she finally showed it? They have been getting my letters. Very exciting. No, sadly, Oprah introduced something

even more horrifying than her butthole, which we as a company would like to predict looks like the top of a pumpkin. See? See, Heath? Now she can sue us and prove otherwise in court. Exhibit A, so to speak. I will rim the shit out of Oprah on camera

while Stedman watches. Sorry, I was just finishing an email. What was that, Noah? This is a weird episode. This is a weird episode. This is what happens when you take a set

of our states. No, rather than her Hollywood starfish oprah introduced us to a new show on her network called the book of john gray for those unfamiliar john gray is a popular mega preacher and homophobic bigot who uses his journey of being sexually abused and having diabetes to make a crier jesus yearier version of Big Brother Season 48. All right, what about a game show with people carving jack-o'-lanterns of Oprah's ass? You know what?

Just forget the show. Everyone just please send us those. Shouldn't it be the bottom of the pumpkin? Or are we predicting there'd be a stem in the middle? Either way. And use a second pumpkin to show her face. I want to see her face, too. Heath is going gonna fuck those pumpkins

now obviously winfrey has received some pushback about giving a man who tweeted quote homosexuality is no different from fornication adultery lying or any other sin god was clear about it's all the same for the number those who believe and, end quote, his own television show, but has responded. Not real quote. Homophobia doesn't count when you're black. You're racist for addressing this behavior in our company. And eventually, yeah, the affirmative action benefits package includes homophobia. Right. That's why we're even with the black people now. That was the whole negotiation.

What do you mean? We I'm ahead. And they killed six million of them and they specifically didn't kill your ancestors, Eli. I think they were saying something. All the surviving Jews should get over it. No illusions. This is someone's first episode.

Statistically, there's someone who's like, I don't know. I guess I'll try an atheist podcast. Hi, Ashley. This is someone's last episode. In the meantime, look out for this fall's new show, The Book of Kevin Swanson.

It's gonna be great. You know what other cartoon characters are lesbians? I'll tell ya. And finally tonight, from the sexing appeal file, Ray Comfort still hasn't learned his lesson about how banana always equals penis. Show people a banana, they think of a dick.

And if you hand us one, many of us like to mime dick style motions because that's funny but uh pretty much nobody looks at a banana and immediately decides that the universe was intelligently designed by an omnipotent ghost nonetheless comfort made a ridiculous video trying to make that last part happen and now he's publishing a book about it called Banana Man, the true story of how a demeaning nickname opened amazing doors for the gospel. Hear that, Cecil? He's knocking them out faster than you can read them.

And by the way, opened amazing doors? Now it's about banana anal, bro. Well, that'd be the back door, but sure. Yeah, I'm sure. Is anyone else really, really sure he's going to come out in three years as Andy Kaufman and we're all going to look super stupid? He's like, yeah, no, we fell for it, man.

We fell for it. He even licked it. So just in case anyone's not familiar with Ray Comfort's argument from Banana Penis, I'll give a quick background. Comfort's doing his TV

show and trying to argue for intelligent design. So he takes out a soda can and explains how it was all planned out by an engineer. And then he decides at the last minute to add an extra segment using a banana to show, you know, God's design. And Kirk Cameron, his

co-host at the time, hears this idea and immediately says, dude, definitely don't do that. You're going to make it sound like a penis. At which point Comfort went ahead and did exactly that. And not that this is in any need of refutation, but I want to point out that even if you set aside all the phallic stuff and you set aside the fact that the modern banana was selectively bred from a small, nearly inedible plantain,

taking his argument seriously would mean that I could also disprove God with a coconut or a pineapple or a Cadbury egg. Pretty much anything. I say, old boy, how about a thin candy shell filled with 14 loads of cum? The children will love it.

See, okay, you're going to get more angry tweets about that joke than all the kid fucking wants. Yeah, strong stance against Eli Cadbury eggs are amazing. No, they're not. They're just terrible. Ridiculous nonsense. Please don't send me your weirdly common tweets.

Whatever, assholes. I just don't like chocolate eggs full of cum. Racist. Send me chocolate eggs full of cum racist send me your eggs full of cum Eli's the whole thing started with a tragic experience at one of those little quarter clucker things you know

the finding moment the new listener might be back on board welcome back Ashley they got their hoop in his thing and they were like The finding moment. I think that new listener might be back on board. We might have gone full circle with it. Welcome back, Ashley. They got their hoop in his thing and they were like, I'm sorry, was that a quarter clucker joke? Okay, guys, you just won a patron. Almost hung up. Here's a few highlights from Ray Comfort's banana segment. First, he shows us the banana and says,

Behold, the atheist's nightmares. Which, to be fair, if he had just proceeded to insert it in himself while making hard eye contact with the camera, he would have been right. For most of us, yeah. And then he points out that bananas are ridged for your pleasure. He really says that. Because you know how it's nice to have a pentagonal tube in your hand or shoved inside of you?

Yeah, that was God. We're all welcome for that. And he points out that the banana has the same number of sides as we have fingers. How is that relevant, Ray? How do you hold your bananas? It's like a shot put yeah right and uh continuing about the banana comfort says notice it has a point at the top for ease of entry this is an exact quote it's just the right shape for the human mouth it's chewy easy to digest

and it's even curved towards the face to make the whole process so much easier. Okay. Now, I think we have to point out that when he says curve towards your face, first of all, he's neglecting to point out that there are 359 rotational degrees in which it curves away from your face,

and that's only taking into account one spatial dimension. I mean, you turn her away, the bottom will start to go. But also, while he's saying that, he pauses to make the blowjob mouth. Right? Just in case you couldn't get a good still shot of it. He actually pauses from his monologue to do glory hole face. Kirk Amber loses it, too.

Just like, all right, you'll go there. Need a couple more angles for Reddit. By the way, it's already curved towards your face is the new way I'm going to ask for head from now on. Come on. I thought you believed in evolution. Snapchat.

This is actually my favorite part. He says, if you go to the top of a banana, you'll find as with the soda can makers who've placed a tab at the top, so God has placed a tab at the top of the banana.

When you pull the tab, the contents don't squirt in your face. Squirt in your face were the words he chose. It's the squirts. You like that? You like that? Yeah, go chose. It's the squirts. Jesus. You like that? You like that?

Yeah, go on. Take the easy joke. Take it. And also, not that it matters compared to the other crazy bullshit going on in this video, but that's the wrong way to peel a banana. So, yes. About a crazy, like monkeys were like, no, this breaks the banana at the top. I have to flip it over.

You have nothing to hold on to it yet. Come on. I want the banana to squirt in my face. This is I've been a naughty monkey. Then you will love Cadbury eggs. You just need a tab at the top. That's the only thing missing.

Oh, they're missing. Well, apparently, I've just described the inspiration for a work of literature. Yes. And also a book by Ray Comfort. If you pull the tab, the banana pops. So apparently, he took this amazing tale and combined it with individual responses to like everyone who ever said something mean to him in a comment section on a website and obviously we want more books like this because that means more movies so let's put 30 seconds on the clock ideas for more classic banana literature by ray comfort

go all right since that's too easy i'm saying quote and title okay so like for example life is worth living as long as there's a banana in you and of course that's too easy, I'm saying quote and title. For example, life is worth living as long as there's a banana in you. Of course, that's from Banana Green Gables. Banana Delights Not Me from Bananlet. Bananas were invented to cover the empty place where love should be. Of course, that's from Banana Corinne. You get it. Noah gets it.

If a man's character is to be abused, there's nobody like a banana to do the business. That's Bananity Fair, of course. Bananity Fair. We can destroy what we have bitten, but we cannot unbite it. It's from a clockwork banana. Banana?

I thought you were going to say banana. Alright, how about Pentagonal Peg Round Hole. Nothing beautiful without struggle. And that's Plato's banana. Yes, of course. The Greeks know what to do with bananas. I got one more. I got one more. The distinguishing mark

of man is the banana. The instrument with which he does all his mischief. It's Bananimal Farm. Bananimal farm. Bananimal farm. Let him think that I am so much more banana than I am and I will be sold in a bunch. The old banana in the sea. Oh, God. Take it home, Heath. Take it home.

I got one more. Just grab and start pulling. That's the art of the peel. President Cerritos. Now that we can add most intellectual banana fucking jokes to our list of accolades, I think it's time to lock down the headlines with pride. Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

I will... Give me my goddamn short back. I will wear these at my wedding day when my wife divorces me for the things I say. And when we come back, we'll finally get caught up with some long overdue neathisms. And when we come back, we'll finally get caught up with some long overdue neathisms. Ladies and gentlemen, Puzzle in a Thunderstorm Entertainment, in conjunction with Glory Hole Studios, is proud to announce a brand new podcast.

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Minimum purchase required required seaside for complete details upside.com the best way to business travel use upside.com or we'll punch you in the nards at this point it feels like we've made so many attempts to finish off nephi we're honorary brothers but tonight after an undeserved one week delay we dive back into america's wackiest holy book to finish off the book a second nephi with fervent hopes that it isn't just him reading us some other fucking holy book that we've already read before again magic eight ball plus 3d printer equals wooden submarine let's go okay so wooden submarine beats fan but indian baby crashes wooden summer i think we need a home game guys i don't think that we do we have a 3d printer

and of course joining us for this effort is the mostly recovered from reason con lucinda illusions lucinda welcome back excedrin is currently a food group. It is, yeah. So as you may recall, when we last left off with the Book of Mormon, it was padding its word count with wide margins and a lot of direct lifting from Isaiah. And we worked through all of that bullshit to finally get back to Nephi's intriguing commentary this week. So Lucinda, why don't you start us off? Well, we actually start with Joey trying to untie the knot of nesting narrations that uh he had going on there and finally lands on nephi telling us about what he thinks of what jacob read of what isaiah wrote yeah and the first thing he needs to clear up is that he didn't make his

generations all jewy so they don't even know what the hell Isaiah is babbling about. Yeah. The quote is, I, Nephi, have not taught the many things concerning the manner of the Jews, for their works were works of darkness and their doings were doings of abominations, end quote. Well, and this is clearly Joey's way of saying, so if it seems like this book was written by somebody who doesn't really get isaiah it's not that i don't understand it's that i figure you the reader are too dumb to follow yeah it really opens the floodgates of jew bashing right here i guess true not being able to read in jew bashing do go hand in hand often they do yeah in the u.s yeah but i'm pretty sure the German Nazis had a strong literacy rate. I'm just saying, let's be accurate about how smart the Nazis were. Are you defending the Nazis right now?

It feels like you're defending the Nazis. No, it's not that. Nephi's doing that. It's hard to follow. I was speaking as Nephi. But Nephi never said anything like that. How does that make any sense? Moving on. I think we can move on. Classical liberal.

I'm sorry, but can a person really brag about his own plainness? I mean, the person at the top of the fewest list kind of gets disqualified as soon as we make that list, doesn't he? But the key here, as I read it anyway, is that Isaiah and prophecy is like porn. You'll know it when you see it yeah or you don't want to get caught jerking off to it or jews are severely underrepresented thank you you are back to zero with jews on this segment also economy awards nephi the jews have it coming that is five words long could have knocked out a good four or five verses in this

chapter with those five words. Okay, well, Noah's being super anti-Semitic all of a sudden. Everyone's focused on Noah right now. Okay, now you're just brown-nosing. I don't think he is. I don't know. And then he spends a couple verses retro-prophesying the Christian religion, a.k.a.

the Jew and improved. See, now Lucinda's being anti-Semitic. Everyone should focus on her. I just want to point out how dead-hunt specific all his predictions about Jesus are. I only mention this because any other time you read prophecy in holy books, you've got like, the corners of the earth shall shake, and leaves shall fall

from trees, and a bunch of vague someday kind of stuff. But he's giving plain English explanations here, specific dates. And you were thinking of? The six of diamonds. but he's giving plain English explanations here, specific dates. It's just like, and you were thinking of? The six of diamonds. Of diamonds, exactly.

I'm Joseph Smith, the magician, everyone. And I just want to point out that we were all there the first time anyone ever described Joseph Smith's writing as plain English. Sorry about that. We'll go back, fix that in the edit. Now that Nephi is done predicting Christianity,

it's time to predict that other great world religion of the future. Mormonism. Yeah. This is the Indians have it coming portion of the chapter now that we're done with the Jews. Control F pipeline. Oh, Suze.

Suze. He even goes all Estes Perkle for a second here where he's talking about all the horrible shit God's going to do to the people that don't accept Christ's message. Apparently, he's going to either set mountains on top of them, drop buildings on them,

or, quote, crush them to pieces and grind them to powder. It's known as fee-fi-fo-fumology. I see. And then after all the wicked, witch-esque, house-dropping stuff, he'll hit them with earthquakes and lightning. Yeah. Seems kind of like an odd choice in terms of sequence.

I'm dead. I don't care now about the earthquakes. And then God sings defying gravity while he tries to make that rock he can't live well also what does it mean to quote grind against the face of the poor he says that a few times here and i feel like you guys already know what i'm picturing in my head yeah uh trickle down economics oh sure we can talk about it on book of mormon but we can't videotape it and post it for patrons. Hypocrisy. What? Is it?

Those are different, right? Facebook has a policy now, apparently. I feel like those things are different. I'm saying for patrons. He also comes out with a strong no priest stance, which seems odd until you consider he's probably just setting up to not pay people later. Right. Also in verse 32, chapter 26 here here he tries to name the 10 commandments he fucks the order all up and totally gives up after about five yeah he does and then just starts naming stuff from like other lists he's like yeah don't murder lie steal uh

envy pride uh the pyramids fucking bashful the esophagus and the prostate. And finally, after talking about how like the Cleveland mascot is cultural heritage, the Jews are going to get eaten by bears and that black people are lazy, he points out that we are all equal in the eyes of God regardless of race or

creed. And I'm like, dude, you should chat with God then does he know what you're writing exactly God's watching it happen what the fuck is he writing down there that is not how I framed it somebody wake up Scalia and I just want to point out that like

that verse is a pretty common white shirts apologetic so if they just woke you up and are giving you this line, make them read earlier in the chapter. Yeah, right, right, exactly. The rest of the goddamn book. Yeah, move your eyes up a little.

And apparently that's about all he can handle in terms of not copying off of Isaiah. So in chapter 27, he gets back to doing exactly that, but a little less explicitly. So yeah, he gives a little apocalypse fodder. Then he gets onto the really important thing that this book predicts,

namely, this book. And this book will say things like, and this book will say things like, and this book will say things like. In his notes, Heath has that in ever smaller font sizes, too. And the retroactive

excuses we start getting here are thick, right? In verse 10, he's all like, of course God isn't going to give him the actual book with the gold plates and stuff on account of that being all sealed up. But God will figure something out, I'm sure. I feel like he also hints at a sequel, but I can't really be sure.

Yeah, that scene where Nephi gets lowered into lava with a thumbs up. I saw it. His brothers dive in to stab him anyway. And pre-spring. He also says that we will know that the Book of Mormon is legit because three people will witness the golden place. And boy, won't those people be important and chosen by God.

Keep in mind, he's dictating this part before he has the witnesses lined up, so he's clearly just doing his groundwork early. But also the fact that you can't see the gold plates is fine, because three totally trustworthy dead guys will have seen them. Is that really the best God could come up with? No, it's just the best Joey could come up with.

The case for Joseph coming this fall. Starts with a plantation owner's wife saving joe smith's kid with the heimlich white women cult hold on yeah right this is perfect he also hints that there are secret chapters that joey's not allowed to copy down which i'm sure was a setup for an it's in the extra chapters excuse when he wanted to do kinky shit right yeah oh no there's a whole chapter about butt stuff trust me citation needed weird place to plug our new show phrasing

in the end notes yes god also gets all like bitchy hippie girlfriend here too when he's like, I know your lips are saying you love me, but your heart seems to be saying something totally different. God, don't do this. I want to come to Coachella with you and your friends. They just have to work. Never want to hang out with my friends. You're 22. And then of course,

it's back to cribbing off of Isaiah to finish the chapter off. Jesus Christ. You're going to kill Heath one of these days and we're off of Isaiah to finish the chapter off. Jesus Christ. You're going to kill Heath one of these days and we're going to have to finish without him. We're just going to have to prop him up like a Weekend at Bernie's thing in the side of the fucking recording studio. I just want you to know that. It'll be your fault. Oh, Jesus.

Chapter 28. 28. All right. Then he tells you how totally wise and useful the book you're reading is. And then he warns you not to fall for all those wacky churches that start cropping up in the early 1800s. Yeah, the early 1800s, also known as the end times. I also love, okay, so he's listing all the various types of false churches that will crop up in the end times. And in verse 8, he lays out the doctrine of Our Lady of just a little sin just to see how it feels.

You might get a church. And one of the examples is a church that says, yeah, it's okay to dig a pit and trap your neighbor in there. What? It literally says that. Yes, uh-huh. But just don't go overboard with the sin. Don't, like, wear his skin.

But the pit is cool. Yeah, the lotion has to be for his benefit. Finally, a church I'd feel welcome in. The lotion has to be for his benefit. Finally, a church I'd feel welcome in. Yeah, and also, pretty sure this is where we get into the the Catholics have it coming portion of the book. I mean, to be fair, they were due. Like, the Jews have used only a tiny percentage of our gold to cover up rape.

Unless you count mouth stuff. And then nobody counts mouth stuff, is what I'm saying. It's their turn. It's their turn. That's true. That's true. And even if mouth stuff is what i'm saying it's their turn it's their turn that's true that's true and even if mouth stuff did count it's not like they're using their gold to cover anything up they're just openly giving herpes to babies yeah right again in fairness to the jewish people i just want to be clear yeah no do i get my one back i feel like i get my last one now you're back to

zero he's already back yeah yeah also he really baits us here with a lot of talk about God's mouth and Nephi's seed in the same sentence over and over. Make it tougher, Joey. We can take it. And I think it actually says that God remembers the cum flavor of Nephi and Nephi's dad. Pretty sure it said that. I don't mean to brag, but if me and my dad got blown by God together, this would be way more entertaining just visually.

You ever see a stroke victim's O-face? Yes, I have. Awesome. I thought we weren't telling him until his birthday. You guys. Me and Noah fucked your dad. In my version, we just blew him. Oh, shit.

Yeah, I was being Jewish about it. Mouth stuff doesn't count. And to bolster his you do too need more holy book argument, he says in verse four, basically, oh, you think your Jew book is enough? Your book full of Jew words from the Jews? You really trust those shifty fuckers not to work in some stuff to fuck with the Gentiles? Lucinda, I think you're just reading off Twitter.

Dude, who are you following on Twitter? Just stop. Like, play some hashtag game. At midnight, they're doing bad book prequels. Somebody tweeted, Godot called and said we should hang out tonight. So lighthearted. That does sound fun. What about getting corrected by people who educated themselves on YouTube?

Doesn't that sound fun? And then we get the most controversial passage in the book. We're in chapter 30 here. Now, of course, we're all reading the post-1981 version. chapter 30 here. Now, of course, we're all reading the post-1981 version, so the book promises the faithful that they'll become pure and delightsome if they're good Mormons.

But for the first 150 years or so, that said white. The divine hunkification passage. That's it, yeah. Okay, I think it's only fair if Ishmael became a Mormon for a week and we see how it works. I'm a skeptic. Well, he's got binders full of white women already as well.

He told us that. Eli, you really need a second black person to reference. Do it right now. Name a second black person that you know. Eli. Toast. He would have said one by now if you had one. It also says in verse 9 that God will smite the earth with the rod of his mouth, which suggests he's got a dick in there somewhere.

Now, it doesn't say it's his dick. It could be his dad's, but it also doesn't say it isn't. He's omnipotent. What the hell else would you do with omnipotence hit stuff with my dick thank you eli right gets it this is also approximately the same time that lions and bears will return vegan yes and i think i speak for many people who know me when i say that we'll all have liked them better when they just mauled and murdered people and also here's something else it says in this holy book baby cows baby lions and baby bears are all gonna fuck each other under the direction of a baby human says that in the book sexy time heath we need to amend our

taxes just unrelated not sure why i said that just now moving on what happened in verse 18 no i'm curious about that he also assures us that after the apocalypse all of this nonsensical rambling will start to make sense which is good because he just told us that the non-existent animal the cockatrice a snake hatched from a hen's egg that kills people by looking at them will become a great babysitter during the apocalypse so glad that'll start making sense perfect and then nephi offers up his final prophecy and he does so with the same plainness warning where he basically says sure i could speak all fancy and biblical like those other prophets, but I choose to sound like a nine-year-old with a

learning disability. Right. Yeah, this whole chapter was, that last bit was pretty fucking fantastic, right? Right. And if I'm not mistaken, the whole point of this chapter is, hey guys, we're still doing the donkey water thing, in case you were curious. But again, he

fucks up his chronology here, because he's speaking as Nephi, talking to his disciples 500 years before Jesus. And his opening is, now you're probably wondering why a dude as holy as Jesus had to get baptized. Yeah, had to. Right, and talks about it in the past tense throughout.

Yes. Like, Joey is paying less attention to this book than me. Again. Yeah. I've been reading from LDS.org and their very own chapter intro says, Nephi tells why Christ was baptized

about 559 to 545 before Christ. I might as well say, wait, fuck, whatever. Keep moving on. And then Nephi tells us when in doubt, trust the voices in your head. I will be right back. No.

Fine. Fine. Wendy from Wendy's. You live another day. I don't get this. Why would anything magical happen if you force her to eat McDonald's? That doesn't make any sense. That's because you can't hear them.

That's why. Why you don't understand. They told me. And I have have to say the whole thing sounds like an elaborate blame shifting strategy here he's basically saying oh and if you fuck this up it's on you not me you must have just been talking to the holy ghost wrong or something right and then he's all like oh and let me tell you the most important secrets of the universe that only the creator of the. Oh, hold on a second. God's telling me just to stop there.

Sorry, guys. I was just about to drop all of that next millennium. We'll get around to it. Last few words on the gold plate. Start getting smaller and angling. There is no paragraph in this book so far that so clearly says this hat is starting to smell bad. And then we finally reach the last chapter of Nephi's ramblings in which he explains that the real key to getting into heaven is being a Mormon. Who'd have guessed?

So shocking. Yeah, right. He also opens up with an apology for being such a shitty writer. That was nice. He's like, I'm much better when I'm talking. Keep in mind, he was dictating this. It's cold in here. Give me a second.

It's angled weird. I was in the pool. This is a big coke can. Stop it. stop it also if you pick on Joseph Smith and his awesome book it can only be

because you're the devil so that'll explain why my podiatrist said I had thrush that sounds more like a Thomas Smith problem right yeah

he also does some weird attempt at conflation where he says and if you believe in Christ you just kind of have to naturally believe all the crap in this book too as if that were a logical imperative yeah sorry joey humans can definitely be selectively full of shit i know that fucks

up the business model and all but it's a fucking fact i mean fucks up my business model to be fair why would wendy shit out a clown that makes no sense. Are we doing this or not? Is this a testable experiment? She's an ordinary woman. She's not that strong. No, it's yes. It's no, it's yes. It's Andrew hangs up.

It's everyone's crying. And with that, we're going to close this book up for a couple of weeks. And when we return to it, assuming there are no legal, pending legal cases that take Eli off the air, we won't be doing Nephi anymore, but we will be reading Jacob. And the last time he had the mic, he just used it to read an Isaiah phone book to it.

So I'm not sure I'm hoping for a big upswing in terms of interesting, but that's what we're doing. Boy, do you know how to sell a podcast. Right? I'm technically a pro at everything. So we'll be back to the Book of Morons in three weeks. And between now and then, everything else we do will be more enjoyable. Before we crawl back into the coffins tonight, I want to let you know you'll be able to catch me on the next episode of the Thinking Atheist podcast. So if you'd like to hear me get out sexy voiced by an absolute master, be on the lookout for that episode on Tuesday morning. Obviously, we'll have it linked on social media as soon as it's available.

Anyway, that's all the blast we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting on Monday, two days after Trump's first hundred days expire. Wonder what we'll talk about. And a brand new or newer episode of our sister show's hot friend Godawful Movies debuting 24 hours later. Now, normally I would use this spot to thank Heath, Eli, and Lucinda and all the new patrons this week. And if you are a new patron, I promise to doubly compliment your genitals next week. But after the amazing time we had at ReasonCon, I wanted to squeeze as many of these in as I possibly could.

So, huge thanks to... Gene Elliott, The Hickory Humanist, Bobby, Ashley, Deb, Vinny, Sherry, Amy, Marissa, Aiden, Andrew, Thomas, Cecil, Tom, Bill, Susie, Sean, Lydia, Haley, Chris, Jonathan, Amy, Zach, Emily, Callie, Celeste, Matt, Shelley, Logan, Love, Garrett, Robin, Dave, Tim, Adam, Other, Tom, Shujan, Tiny, Shane, Bryce, Johnny, Daniel, Zandy, Mark, Shannon, Alex, Mel, Katie, Becky, Bob, Renee, Alice, Louie, Ari, Jeremiah, Jenna, Jonathan, Deborah, Other, Jeremiah, and the literally hundreds of other people I couldn't fit into a single breath for making it such a great weekend for all of us. Also, stand-alone, separate thanks to Stapesboro's very own Craig for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Also, of course, if you have money that you'd rather we had, you can give it to us at patreon.com slash scathingatheist. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark,

who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode which was used with permission if you have questions comments or death threats you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingads.com wait i thought I had a joke. I was wondering if there was something that was going to come out in the end. It was something. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.