The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 222: The Mohel You Know Edition

Episode Date: May 18, 2017

In this week’s episode, anti-semites in Bangladesh text to vote for American Idol worshipers, anti-Semites in Norway might force mohels to start sucking on adults, and Anti-Semites in the 1830s wrote a book. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our brand new show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: To check out Reason is Rising, click here: https://reasonisrising.com/ Headlines: Christian terrorists kill more than 30 in CAR: http://religionnews.com/2017/05/14/christian-militias-kill-up-to-30-muslim-civilians-in-central-african-republican/ MO State rep draws distinction between gays, humans: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/11/missouri-state-representative-theres-a-difference-between-being-gay-and-just-being-a-human/ Pakistani government sends mass text to bolster anti-blasphemy efforts: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/12/pakistani-government-texts-millions-of-citizens-telling-them-to-tattle-on-blasphemers/ TN Scientology center shutting down after imprisoning patients: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/04/scientology-centers-in-tennessee-shut-down-after-patients-found-imprisoned-against-their-will/ Lady who cut off other lady’s head had a exorcism that didn’t work http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/05/killer-who-decapitated-woman-and-blamed-god-had-exorcism-beforehand-it-didnt-work/ Rick Joyner predicts coming breakthrough in pastors’ ability to see the future: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/10/pastor-rick-joyner-christians-prophets-will-soon-be-able-to-predict-the-news-a-week-in-advance/ Student reporter fired for sharing video of Muslim on interfaith panel explaining Muslimness: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/12/student-reporter-fired-for-sharing-video-of-muslim-explaining-death-for-apostates-under-sharia-law/ Norway considers banning circumcision: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/11/norway-government-party-weighs-banning-circumcision-reaping-fury-from-rabbis-and-jewish-groups/

Changing a light bulb should be simple. Whoa, whoa, whoa! Uh-oh, that's not supposed to happen. Quickly submitting and tracking a claim on the Bel Air Direct app actually is simple. Bel Air Direct. Insurance simplified. Warning, this podcast contains all the kinds of language they have warnings for. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by one final round of our Alex Jones in five words or less contest.

Today's winner is at Keith the Great 82, who had rabies. Just rabies. Well done, Keith. Gravity wins. And by the way, I searched for Alex rabies on Google Images and Alex Jones was on the first page. True story. for Alex Rabies on Google Images, and Alex Jones was on the first page.

True story. Anyway, next week's topic is Mike Pence in five words or less, which should be fun because he might already be the president by then. Tweet us your favorites using the hashtag PenceScathed, and you could be the next winner. And now,

Scathing Atheists. Hi, I'm Phil Davey. And I'm Leif Kolt. We're from Reason is Rising, reminding you that small hands can make it difficult to grasp concepts. And in fact, that we did evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday.

It's May 18th. And we're a third of the way to Satan. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. New York, New York. Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is Skating Atheist. On this week's episode,

anti-Semites in Bangladesh text to vote for American idol worshippers, anti-Semites in Norway might force Moyles to start blowing adults, and anti-Semites in the 1830s wrote a book. But first, the diatribe. The diatribe. it kind of feels like the bills are coming dude doesn't it i mean republican allies are describing the white house as a downward spiral nobody in the administration can even remember which lie they're defending anymore and the press secretary is negotiating prices with the overlook hotels labyrinth guy this asshole is collecting

impeachable offenses like they were trading cards and the dumpster fire their train wreck caused has managed a nuclear meltdown through rock bottom and yet when you look at the latest polls 38 percent of americans think he's doing a bang up job who the fuck are these people? Well, when you break Trump's remaining support down into demographics, it's pretty fucking obvious because there's really only one demographic group that still largely stands behind him. And keeping in mind that racists and plutocrats aren't categories generally tracked by U.S. demographers, what segment of the population do you suppose that is? If you guessed evangelical christians congratulations you are listening to the right show so what exactly is an evangelical well turns out that's a trickier question than a lot of you might think it is it's not exactly a denomination it's not exactly a theology when evangelicals themselves try to define it they resort to galactically

wacky shit like the bebington quadrilateral which invokes the proto-tentious neologism crucio-centrism and its transparent effort to sound academic but demographically speaking basically what we're saying is white conservative christian who isn't catholic they're they're that immoral minority of people that dub themselves the moral majority back in the 80s they're the lim limbaugh-loving, lesbian-loathing yokels that clog up the sideways in front of abortion clinics and scream at Muslims for being brown. They're a demographic shorthand for the worst America has to offer. Now, I know I'm talking about your uncle and your cousin and your sister and your mom when I say this. I know I'm talking about people who are, on the whole, mostly really good people. Pretty much all the people people are but the thing that unites evangelicals as a demographic those things are

entirely the bad shit right tell me your sister and your mom would run into a burning building to save a stranger okay well they're also in some other demographic for altruistic or non-flammable people but the demographic group that is evangelicals is a racially hegemonic group of people united by bigoted social policies paranoid delusions of persecution and a disdain for education and expertise and when you break it down like that it should surprise no one that they're the last group clinging to their support for a president who's racist bigoted delusional paranoid and profoundly inexpert i mean what could be more evangelical than ignoring facts ignoring science has been a cornerstone of their religious movement since 1859 at least and a cornerstone of their religion since about 1543 hell it's not even right to call this a religious movement since in its modern form it's

always been a political endeavor you know bebington be damned the unifying factor among evangelicals is conservative politics the resurgence that put him back on the map came when they were fighting to keep prayer in schools and fetuses in utero during their carter administration it wasn't some great theological breakthrough or some philosophical epiphany that inspired this coalition it was the collective perception of their eroding political power you know the republican party got in bed with him back in the late 70s hoping to milk him with hollow promises of abortion restrictions and rounding up the immigrants and count on him to swing an election here and there. And for a couple of decades, that basically worked. But when you and a dragon are on

either side of the same leash, you're only walking it for so long. So inevitably, the evangelicals who've been told over and over again by the politicians on their own fucking side that they don't need to trust science, their opinion is as valid as that of the experts. And the boogeyman really is coming to get their God and their guns. Eventually, those people decided to elect one of their own. Who'd ever thought that was fucking coming? Now, somehow, a lot of observers are looking at this and calling the evangelicals hypocrites for supporting this guy. You know, what with his divorces and his fucking over the poor. But the only hypocrisy is pretending there's some hypocrisy in that oh trump treats women like garbage and doesn't understand who their genitals belong to doesn't give a flying fuck about the poor and blames them for their own plight ignores the advice of experts and plows ahead with whatever dumb shit pops into his head i'm sorry are we listening trump's flaws or the evangelical political platform over the last four fucking decades so the apologists for christianity can piss away as much op-ed ink as they want, arguing that wearing the kilt and doing

the voice does not a true Scotsman make. But this isn't a statistical fucking quirk. This is not a misunderstanding among ignorant evangelicals that can't figure out he's not really one of them. He is one of them. If you were trying to describe evangelicals to a foreign visitor, your best possible definition would be Trump supporter, both demographically and descriptively. This is what the evangelical movement has wrought, and I'm not going to waste any of my fucking effort helping them wash their hands of it. Joining me for headlines tonight are the moose and squirrel of atheism, Eli Bosnick and Heath Enright. Fellas, can we make it through the headlines without divulging any secrets, you think? Um, I'm fired.

Oh, I haven't accounted for this. Noah, Christian podcast. Me and Heath had a whole plan worked out. I don't want to update. There's a lot of ramen stuff we're going to have to cut. I made compromises for the whole Christianity thing. It's going to have to update. There's a lot of ramen stuff we're going to have to cut. I made compromises for the whole Christianity thing. It's going to be great. I don't care about atheism.

All right. Well, with that out of the way, the rest of this show is kind of superfluous. This is someone's first episode. They're going to say, wow, that was a rough cut right there at the beginning. This is not well edited in our lead story tonight.

Violence erupted along the Congolese border of the Central African Republic last week when Christian militias took it upon themselves to make the Central African Republic great again by ridding themselves of Muslims. Andrew never lets us do anything. Don't put Nazis. Don't form a militia and clean out the Muslim ghettos. Blah, blah, blah. Thank you, Heath.

Two votes. I need to get Lucinda on board. She's always knitting. She's not. You call my wife an old lady. Anyway, according to U.N. aid workers and officials, more than... She's going to be here later in the show. I'm just telling you. I'm warning you. You should know that. Anyway, according to U.N. aid workers and officials, more than she's going to be here later in the show. I'm just telling you, I'm warning you.

You should know that. Anyway, according to U.N. aid workers and officials, more than 30 civilians were killed in the melee and hundreds. You hear what I'm saying? The words that I'm saying out of my mouth while you're doing this. Jesus Christ. I'm talking about dead people here. Have some respect. All right.

So more than 30 civilians were killed in the melee and hundreds of Muslims were left seeking refuge inside a mosque in the nearby town of bangasu i think bangasu i don't know uh no word on the extremity of the mosque's bedding unfortunately so i got a lot of terrorists and rapists in that mosque now just all right so noah's either saying phase one complete or he's being sarcastic i i was and it's the second one i knew the whole time it was the second one i knew it was the second one and of course you're wearing a new hat i'm wearing it of course this is just the latest outbreak of bloodshed and violence that's been ongoing in the central african republic since the paleoarchaean period the rate of religious and ethnic violence has increased in

recent weeks as the ugandan government began withdrawing troops though at the same time the rate of sexual assault by ugandan troops is way down so nice you take the good with the bad yeah well if uganda is looking at your country going fuck these yokels need some ugandan paternalism right that's not a great sign. So the ongoing conflict there has left one in ten residents displaced and nearly half the country's population reliant on international aid, which is what Rush Limbaugh

has been saying about him all along, y'all. See? See? Noah should write a book. Make a lot of money on that book. Make sure you use Nazi graffiti as your sources and only send it to me and Heath before you publish it, though. I'm going to tweet it to you one line at a time. Now, I want to be clear here,

because every time I do or don't cover a story about non-Muslim terrorism, I get shit from some subsection of our listenership. So, yes, this is a story of violent Christian terrorism. Yes, this is a thing that happens. But when we come across these stories, we should still keep them in perspective. Okay, quick list here from Wikipedia of the perpetrators or suspected perpetrators of terrorist acts with multiple fatalities in May of 2017. This is a longer list than you were hoping it would be. I'm going to have some dash al dashes.

There's going to be some al dashes. Yeah. So start with Jaysh E mohammed i've never heard of him but if i had to guess um then you've got the he's a boxer you've got the hassam movement in egypt then boko haram al-qaeda isis isis isis isis isis anarcho-syndicalists assholes boko haram isis boko haram isis isisoko Haram, ISIS, ISIS, ISIS, Al-Qaeda, ISIS, ISIS, Al-Shabaab, Democratic Liberation Forces of Rwanda,

ISIS, ISIS, ISIS, Taliban, ISIS, ISIS, ISIS, Donetsk People's Republic, Taliban, Lakshar-e-Ghanvi, I don't know, ISIS, ISIS, Boko Haram, the Christians we just talked about. So yeah, they're also on the list. They're there too. And they're also on the list they're there too and they're also motivated by religion they're also a problem of christianity and we also won't get any emails telling us how many christians there are and how hard it is to be one in north

korea because of this story so or the next one or the one we do after that, or any of the other 222 episodes. What do you call half of a double standard? A quadruple standard? You said there'd be no math. And in homo-thapians news tonight, you'll get that later. It's really great. Missouri state rep and Google result for the words words the cross and rapist in quotes. Rick Bratton fell for one of those trick are gay people human questions this week. What?

Pound of feathers. No. God hates fags. Same thing. Fuck. It's a hard one. Yes. Arguing in favor of a bill in Missouri that would make it more difficult for former employees to prove discrimination cases.

Bratton, who obviously didn't get the whole we don't say what we think out loud memo from the Republican Party, and explained that such protections would impede on the religious liberty of other citizens, saying actual motherfucking quote. actual motherfucking quote when you look at the tenets of religion of the bible of the quran of other religions there is a distinction between homosexuality and just being a human being and actual quark hold on though hold on in fairness he does make it sound like like an x-men enhancement sort of thing like being like you're just a human or you're gay human. Oh, 30 seconds. Oh, fuck, we've done that one. But, yeah, I mean, isn't that the, how can it be racist if I'm saying they're better at dancing defense, though?

Exactly. Yeah, it's a compliment. You're racist for not accepting the compliment. Anyway, Bratton failed to comment on what the distinction was, but I, for one, would like to guess that he thinks gay people are some kind of bird. The plumage. Here we have the red-breasted gay person.

See how they all swerve to avoid predators? Fascinating species. Gay people evolved from dinosaurs. A lot of people don't know that. Hear their mating call grinder grinder so yeah an adult currently serving their third term in missouri's house of representative thinks a good counter to anti-discrimination laws is the sarcastic beginning to one of noah's diatribes from last year if only there were some sort of system where we could empower the people who live

in his district to fire him. Some sort of phone call based system that would remind people in the 55th district of Missouri to do a thing. Then he wouldn't have a job anymore. I don't know. Daydreams. Daydreams. Maybe Trump will put his home number on a post-it note.

What did Bangladesh do? Hold my fake beer news tonight. The government of Pakistan sent out a mass text last week to all the cell phones in the country, reminding everyone that it's the responsibility of every citizen to help get atheist bloggers murdered with machetes. Pretty sure that was the idea. Only you can prevent tourist fires. That mascot is unpopular. See, I agree.

They should have gone with your machete boop idea. Thank you. Do not go for that. Yeah, so I'm guessing Pakistan saw a picture of the Bangladeshi police posing with a bunch of atheist corpses. Like they just caught a school of the Bangladeshi police posing with a bunch of atheist corpses like they just caught a school of sharks on giant hooks and nobody wants to start falling behind the regional competition so they sent out a message about their blasphemy laws according to the mass text quote uploading and sharing of blasphemous content on the internet is a punishable offense

under the law such content should be reported on info at pta.gov.pk for legal action. End quote. Also known as a haramber alert. Speaking of which, if this hasn't occurred to you listening already, you have access to that email address. So, you know,

dicks out for haramber. Let me check with Andrew on the legality of running a surprise online most blasphemous dick pic contest against a foreign government's will but um i mean i feel like no legislator would have thought about that one yet we might be good but let me double check first good good sponsor it all right well i'm obviously against this policy in pakistan because of all the murdering and whatnot but we like to be fair and balanced here on the scathing atheist so eli you hate the first amendment you hate would you be able to lay out the argument in favor of

blasphemy laws for us i would thank you heath well as many people with half my education and understanding of these subjects have told me multiple times, the most important thing to me is people's feelings. So let me ask you this. Have these so-called blasphemers considered checking their not believing in magic privilege? Zoom. Zoom. Yeah. Tough call. Words can hurt just like swords. It's hard to say which. And not getting to lecture wherever you want on why black people smell different is just like blasphemy logs. Exactly. We all agree everything here is identical. There is no subtlety. I don't want to play.

I abstain. There's no subtlety. First Amendment's important. Anyway, bottom line, everyone should definitely not send... Talking about the exchange of ideas. He wasn't talking about Twitter harassing 13-year-olds. Bottom line, everyone...

It's my story. Bottom line, everyone should definitely not send thousands of fake tips to info at pta.gov.pk because that would clog up their inbox and really make things difficult so again do not repeat do not figure out how to route your spam bot through pakistan and send thousands of real sounding but actually fake leads on blasphemers to info at pta.gov.pk yeah and don't sign them up for spam lists either or the ffrf newsletter or just

send them our show again don't do any of those things any of them yeah and also don't include a dick pic but but for realsies on mine though for realsies and in all thetans are liars news tonight all facilities operate thank you i thank you i was quite proud of that all facilities operated by the church of scientology in Cannon County, Tennessee, have been closed down after police reportedly found a man being held against his will. Wait, Cannon County? See, that's your first mistake right there. Don't go places named after old-timey weapons.

Welcome to Blowgun Township. No, no, not coming in. Here in Chicken Sickle County, Alabama, we have every bit of sophisticated to settle yeah no no i get it anyway welcome to trey boucher josephine his specials like nope nope don't want to eat at your restaurant we're just going to ignore that noah knows of a weapon called the chicken sickle we're all just gonna we're just gonna continue our lives like the clucker machine he's got the is it all chicken based your old-timey knowledge is it all chicken related that's how we paid doctors back in my day yeah exactly anyway according to this victim he went to this scientology thing with promises of rehab and wound up trapped in a rundown trailer where he was mistreated and given

unknown medications for nine months and while that more or less exactly matches my experiences living in tennessee this guy didn't do it on purpose. So it's against the law. I mean, yeah. Who'd have thought a cult started by the fourth worst sci-fi writer ever wouldn't be the best way to help with your addiction? Yeah, right. Yeah, it needs to be the number one worst. Muslims pretty much never have addiction powers.

Good nominee. Name a Muslim with an addiction problem. Alright, well you name a Muslim. Just name any Muslim. Person. Toast. So apparently after months of living out an uncomfortable porn that you kind of

wish you hadn't started jacking off to but it's a little too late to find something else now. This dude manages a 911 call. The cops find him two shades away from chained in the basement like sloth. God, Jesus. I'm going to try to do this story anyway.

So three men have been charged to the cage. Toasted about time. By any toast necessary. Jesus Christ. So two men were charged with false imprisonment another one for facilitation and kidnapping eli's gone now he's checked out he'll be back by the next story i'm sure other charges may be forthcoming in this one of course but it doesn't look like they're going to include everyone who fucking works there for running a

fake health care facility with no licensed health care providers because they're a religion and apparently that still makes it okay i want to be a church no i know i know i get it yeah so i i feel like this one's pretty simple either eli should be allowed to have a fleet of slave ships full of kids or religious legal exemptions are stupid one of those things is true I know this one the kids stood on a block of ice that's not what this is

they will though when they're bad and in what's the harm when they're bad. And in what's the harm news tonight? You know, so often when tragedy strikes, we wonder to ourselves, what could I have done? How could I have helped? And if you're Pastor Terry Fox, the answer is decide whether or not someone is mentally ill

or chock full of demons. Oh, I know this one. I know this one. I know this one. That makes one of you. Yes, almost a week before she would murder and decapitate her ex-boyfriend's mother, Rachel Hilliard asked her friend for a recommendation for an exorcist,

and unluckily for both the victim and the perpetrator, Fox was happy to oblige. I feel like if the Scientologists hear this, they're going to be advertising their lack of decapitations compared to other American religions. Where's that Super Bowl commercial? You're right.

It's Bernie Getz on the subway. Isaac Hayes walks up. Hey, grab these cans for a second. You look stressed, man. Two Bernie Getz jokes in two weeks. Why? Because we care. That's why. Anyway, Fox, who runs Summit Paranormal Investigators, has spent more than 30 years stopping the mentally ill from receiving treatment.

And Hilliard is just his latest victim. But don't worry. Fox hasn't learned his lesson. victim but don't worry fox hasn't learned his lesson speaking to the wichita eagle fox said quote we were in the process of trying to evaluate her situation to see if she was mental or demonic end quote spoiler alert is the first one is the first one of his interaction with an obviously mentally ill person in need of help he He further said, quote, we were only working with her a few days. If we had had an opportunity to get to her, I believe we could have helped.

I think if we would have had more time, perhaps we could have made a difference. It broke our hearts. End quote. With the exorcisms, they could have made a difference with the exorcisms. It's just that it didn't have enough exorcism sessions. That's shit.

God damn it. Buster always gets us i mean he you know satan jumped into fox at the end there and there wasn't a statue that fell down with a sword i get it uh he went on to not add i mean not enough to stop doing this but you know it's always a bummer when the woofledust doesn't make the cray-cray go away wet. End quote. Feels like there should be a reality show with, like, exorcists competing in a tournament somehow. It's like an entire year of James Randi giving out zero points for everything. I'll tie it again.

Okay, now exorcise the demon while she's covered in styrofoam peanuts. And dice beat you again. It's fine. Anyway, Hilliard awaits trial and we hope treatment and Fox as a religious leader unlike anyone else in the world who might have behaved this way is not being kicked in the nuts by a conga line of the

friends and family of the victim as punishment. And on the shocking realization that a conga line could be worse, I'm going to need a minute, so we'll pause for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race.

A dangerous slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. Well, it's that time of year again, Mother's Day. And look, I know about half of y'all are thinking to yourself, what the fuck is she going to talk about when it comes to Mother's Day? But the other half knew exactly what I meant before I said it. Because this time of year, while it's wonderful for some of us, can also be very painful because not all moms have behaved well. And man was this point brought home to me by a

blog sent to me several times this week, written by Kim Hickenbotham of mourning her son. Not because he died, but because he was gay and getting married. As much as I usually link shit and cite my sources, I don't want to give this bitch the clicks and y'all have Google if you care to read it. But trust me when I say this is the narrative I've heard not just from the mothers of the LGBTQ community, but of non-believers as well. I'm not abandoning him. He abandoned me for sin. Love isn't the same as acceptance. Suck my clit, lady. Look, we did a lot of nice, cutesy, give your mom a hug shit for Mother's Day stuff, but let me be the millionth person to say, fuck this piece of shit. Fuck her moralizing, judgy, false mourning. How dare you insult the

mothers who have lost children by comparing it to your own bigotry and lack of understanding. And while it would be perfectly fair for me to go all Timothy on your ass, I'm going to use you as an example of something positive instead. So this is for you. Yeah, you listening with a shitty mom who said you were less than because of who you are and what you believed, fuck her. If you're going to trust me on anything, it's that you make the realest family you've ever had in this life.

And that bitch didn't deserve you. You're a better child than she deserved. And if you want to be, someday you'll be the mother she couldn't be. So for those for whom last Sunday didn't mean awkward phone calls and flowers, happy Sunday to you, and happy motherfuckers day to her. Thank you, Lucinda. And in think of a bummer between 1 and 10 news tonight, as if I didn't already have enough reasons to hate Rick Joyner this week, the pastor, and human being voted most likely to be

hunting-themed painting of Santa brought to life by a witch, announced that he'll soon be horning in on my side gig. Getting paid to have little kids sit on your lap, a gun store, thumb lights, thumb pencils. Making me edit out jokes at the beginning of this episode. No, no, none of those. Joiner added this week to his list of claims, which include already resurrecting people from the dead. Feels like that would have been more newsworthy. Making it rain inside a building.

Pretty sure you just set off the fire sprinklers. And preventing any hurricanes since Katrina. Are you sure about that, bro? He added to that list the ability to tell the future. And I speak for bar mitzvah workers everywhere when I say I am shook. So here's the scoop on this. Joyner said in a sermon that very soon we'll see Christian prophets who can see the future a week in advance and may even be able to start putting out newspapers a week in advance including sports but wait but why seven days exactly like the bookies are just going to close the betting

for stuff eight days in advance right like rick joiner and god should have seen that coming wait but easy loophole but he's seen the future and in it he can see the future wait when does he think the present is and he's gonna he's gonna use it to put out newspapers early editions extra extra who wins the 2020 election what am i supposed to read that how many trees did you make that out of like eight this is we invented this when trees were like a forever thing now aside from the fact that noah just blew my mind about the seeing the future when you can see the future thing we might be skeptical but listen to this rock hard evidence of what happened to himself and

fellow pastor bob jones last year quote we were having a conference when the world series was going on and bob and i both got some of the scores of the games before the games were played we didn't tell anybody we wrote them down hit them but didn't tell anybody because we didn't want anybody gambling on them oh why write it down then but all right let's write down but hide it for them heath for them Heath for them I can be psychic if you're not looking so much of my job

so much of my job why don't you just show me the paper first and I'll tell you if you could then just do the thing don't be a dick it's normal you know you can't look at it it's my book and while I wait eagerly Be a dick. It's normal. You know you can't look at it.

It's my book. And while I wait eagerly for Rick's one-man show, trust me, I totally knew that, to run here in Vegas, I'll be looking for a new hobby nobody respects, but is somehow still difficult. Oh. Maybe you could be a podcaster.

Nah, I hear that's super easy. You just get together, funny friends. Ant Negrosh. And in apostating the obvious news tonight, Portland State University graduate student Andy Ngo was fired from that school's newspaper last month after he sent out a tweet that was deemed by his editors to portray Muslims in a negative light. And in the defense of that editor,

the tweet in question was a video of a Muslim student explaining the Quran. So yeah, definitely portrays Muslims in a negative light. Is there no end to the madness? No, we finished it up last year. Where do you cherry pick from the Quran? Yeah, right. Here's a passage about your mom's butthole. No murder for this entire page.

Sorry, paragraph. Al-Akbar. No murder for the entire paragraph. Al-Akbar. All right, so this video in question was obtained at an interfaith panel sponsored by the university where students from a variety of minority religious backgrounds were invited to dispel popular misconceptions about their beliefs. The panel included a Hindu, a Muslim, a Jew, and an atheist, and a punchline involving a bartender i assume uh see they should have gotten heath two for one

hold on i've heard this one the punchline is uh bartender says get the fuck out of here bend in georgia maybe it's a feel-good budweiser ad yes um no so during the panel the muslim student is asked if the quran really calls for the death of non-Muslims. And to his credit, the kid answers honestly and says, yep, that's what it says. But we're also allowed to humanely banish them to another country if we want. So No tweeted out the video of this answer, and that is what got him fired. Okay, but did No include the part where he he said stop me if you've heard this one because that's that's important no he didn't uh the tweet read in its entirety at portland state

interfaith panel today the muslim student speaker said that apostates will be killed or banished in an islamic state and then included a 40 second video clip of the answer which said exactly that like for my money that's as good a summary of those comments as can be squeezed into 140 characters or less. But just to make sure, no sent out a second tweet later, including a longer segment of the video with a bit more context. But because no amount of context can disguise the bloodthirsty xenophobia at the heart of the Islamic faith, the university pretended the real blame for the words belonged to the ink. faith, the university pretended the real blame for the words belonged to the ink.

Well, if you made a word mosaic of the Quran with 140 characters, there's no way it doesn't contain kill and juice. You imagine the thing on Facebook that shows you which words you use the most and they're bigger or something like that. A word cloud.

Tiny words around it. You guys are bigots. Let me explain. Most people don't mean what they say when they say they like that book. So did you even think of that? According to studies, most people are liars.

What now? Bigot. How come you never talk about other liars for the rest of this show in every other story? How come you never talk about other liars for the rest of this show in every other story? How come you don't? So according to know, the tweet was dubbed predatory and reckless by his editor, who accused him of putting the Muslim student and his family at risk. Of a murder spree?

Well, you never know. She further said that the tweet implied the student advocating the killing of atheists, which is exactly what he had just advocated. I mean, the tweet left out that the advocacy was regional, I guess. In his defense, no pointed out that this isn't exactly an isolated view or a slip of the tongue type thing, since in more than one in four muslim majority nations apostasy is punishable by death but still just because a person advocates killing you that's no excuse to be honest about it but but in three out of four muslim majority nations they're liars you guys aren't giving the liars the the praise they deserve actual feedback we will get about this story you're right praise the liars more islam's the worst one and finally tonight from the ignorance's brist file norway is considering a new law that would make it illegal to mutilate a child's penis with a knife. Now, seems like this would

already be covered by existing regulations about like knives or children or penises or adults, but it turns out it's not. I don't know. I think it's like a fun riddle for the aliens when they come. Like, okay, hear me out. What can you do with a knife and a

child and a penis and not get in trouble? Only one combination is allowed. I feel like you're forgetting that one of us is a juggler, bro. Two combinations. As long as you don't drop. Just two combinations. Penis juggling.

Okay, so under the new law, the age of consent for doing knife stuff on penises would be 16. Now, I'm glad they're trying to improve things, but I feel like this isn't quite strict enough. When I was 16, if a girl offered to blow me, I would have happily let her cut off some of my penis. Happily. I feel like we dated some of the same girls. She describes you more like a father figure. Whatever, we're getting off track here. You too.'re talking about age right

What about Norway Back to Norway My story mine First amendment's important In terms of penis cutting I'm saying maybe just like no, no doing that at all. Or, you know, at least pump the age a little more than 16.

I don't know. When I was 16, there was nothing quite so dear to me as my penis. Like, pretty sure I would have gone all taken about my foreskin at that age. Terrified. Well, I'd love, though, to get through one record without hearing about eli's long history of love for 16 year old penises i was just for my birthday maybe next year we could

you knew who i was when you hired me you did not mention this early on you snuck this in anyway be a better interviewer so the news from norway came just after belgium passed a new law that will make it illegal to chop the head off a fully conscious animal with a sword but you know that fucks up the whole spell when you're talking about kosher magic so groups like the european jewish congress were already freaking out they actually called the new rules about slaughtering, quote, the greatest assault on Jewish religious rights in Belgium since the Nazi occupation. And seriously, you're not going to let me go for a twofer with this cow's head in this kid's dick. This is just like when you loaded us into trains and gassed us just like that.

Well, I mean, if true, what they're saying is, hey, Belgium, you guys have been killing it since the late 40s or so, since about 45. Really doing a great job. No, I feel like this always ends up being unpopular. You guys are always yelling at me about it. But for being legitimate skeptics, it's important to acknowledge that this is one of those times when the Nazis have it right. They do. What now? It's the Jews' fault.

It is. Oh, God. Nazis, okay, obviously a broken watch, Nazism, but twice a day, it's Jews' fault o'clock. And that's because in Norway and most of the world, you're still allowed to chop off pieces of a baby dick for a ghost. And it's actually happening way more than twice a day i was being nice about that it's all thanks to judaism okay well also 1950s american fears about masturbation i'm just saying like the jews started it but then it caught on you know yeah no you're you're no that's fair that's fair i honestly i feel like he's just sucking up to

those muslim apologists now i try and make the quran sound good um now i also want to point out to all the people that argue that there are health benefits to circumcision you know what i'm pretty sure you're right actually i've looked into this quite a bit there's not enough baby dick studies under my scholarly belt but a the health benefits are non-existent in countries as wealthy as norway if there are any b this isn't an argument about medical circumcision they still allow that it's about religious circumcision and c most of the time when you cut something off your body that part is going to be less dirty later i feel like there's a slippery slope problem in the waiting here fallacy fallacy it. Informal fallacy. My left nut is perfectly clean.

Because I cut it off. All right. Well, I want to clear something up. I feel like you might be thinking, hey, Heath, you're anti-Semitic. Get out of my head. Fucking Rick Joyner over here. Okay. What card am I thinking of?

The point is, whether or not that's true about me being anti-Semitic, this story has nothing to do with it. I'm anti-blank to whatever extent that blank is causing grown men to hold down a baby, cut off a piece of the baby's penis, and then sometimes blow the baby at the end.

And I don't usually say this, but the blowjob really has no effect on the math. Still bad. Anyway, we're obviously going to need 30 seconds on the clock. We're looking for ideas for the anti-circumcision public service announcement. Go. Oh, I'm good at this one. I'm not.

Only you can prevent foreskin pliers. Another very unfortunate mascot. Hey, it's me, Petey the Plier. The Moyle you know is probably committing a crime. Stop him. It's better to be brist on than brist off. We demand reparations. If your hepatitis C something, say something.

How about like a gruff crime doc? Don't take a bite out of Jaime. There are many ways to skin a cat. Also a penis, but still don't. Why do we have that expression? That's weird. Because foreskin

is power? Normalize the foreskin. All right. If you see a baby's penis, don't do anything to it. Just leave it. Everything but leave it is weird. You're weird.

Stop it. The more you know, the more you know. And confident that we've protected enough baby dicks to call this segment a humanitarian effort. I suppose we can close

the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli as always eli hates freedom and when we come back lucinda will be here because no three people can make fun of all the stupid in the book of mormon when you're driving across texas few things seem as appealing as not driving across Texas. So as you eventually approach the border, you become increasingly excited about the prospect of being done with that fucking state. And of course, it's only after you reach this long sought after boundary that you realize nothing changed and you just celebrated being in Arkansas. And you just celebrated being in Arkansas. And it's with a similar shade of disappointment that we rejoin the Book of Mormon, having finally escaped from the drudgery of Nephi, only to find ourselves in the drudgery of Jacob.

Can we just go to the airport metaphor and fly to another book? Let's do what we want. Noah stopped at Holy Book security, yelling at Moses, This doesn't even work! And of course also joining us in this exploration of the place where Joseph Smith's imagination is supposed to be is my lovely wife Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back. Thank you, thank you.

I feel like we could all get out of this by pleading the 8th. Yeah, the 8th Amendment is important. He's called too old before and he was like you're old and I was like what? Don't say that old before. And I was like, what? Don't say that about Lucinda. And he was like, I don't care whatever. She listens to the episode, man.

So yeah, no Eighth Amendment pleading. Otherwise, Eli would end up doing god awful races with Heath or something. We have to make fun of really white people instead. So book of Jacob. All right, fine, fine. So we open up this book 55 years after the Lehigh clan left Jerusalem. With Jacob taking over the narrative with a sheepish,

my brother also said I got to carve plates opening. Yeah, it really plays like little brother also had a tag along. He said I could write all the stuff most precious to me, but he called all the Nephite history stuff, so I can't do that. What's the deal with airline food, which will come to pass? I'm just covering everything he didn't. Look at that phrase.

Jews and the Philistines aren't getting along. Have you heard about this? Have you seen this? But seriously, folks, we need a shared state. Am I right? But eventually it comes to pass that nephi dies and apparently he was holding the whole nation together with shoestring and chicken wire because he's gone 50 seconds before everybody's raping each other's ear holes and shit yeah yeah right it all goes to hell quick

i love to he starts to give all the clans names he's like there was the jacobites the josephites the zoramites but i but I'm not keeping track of all that shit neither are you Nephites are the good guys Lamanites are the bad guys moving on like he's trying to explain Book of Mormon lore to you while you're in line to see the movie you don't have to read the comics it just helps

also apparently desiring many wives and cockney binds is listed here as a wicked practice. Right. Jacob 115. It says so. Wicked, feckin' awesome. It's not.

This book is way more fun if everyone has like an over-the-top Boston accent. I think it's more fun that way. True of everything except Boston, actually. We're going to pack this back in submarine. And they still hate black guys. So in chapter two, Jacob sets out to do something about all this cavorting and lustfulness. So he goes to the, I don't know, the national podium, I guess,

and addresses everyone. Yeah, and this chapter captures Mormonism better than anything else in the book so far because what we've got here is Jacob bothering people that would rather not listen to him and very impolitely explaining how much better than them he is. So after eight verses of apologizing,

he lets loose and calls them a bunch of wound-enlarging, broken-hearted gold searchers. Yeah, and then he goes hard commie. Yeah, nobody show the verse about using your wealth to help the poor to Mitt Romney. His poor heart can't take it. It's been a rough year for old Rom-Rom. And God said, no starting companies with death squad money from El Salvador.

Get rid of those binders and your face can't be a perfect rectangle. Just personal. Can't get it right. Yeah, but for all the setup here, he has very little to condemn them with. I mean, like, he's eight chapters and he's laying out a downright Canadian preamble. But when he gets to the heart of the criticism, it isn't like those chipmunks are never going to fully recover from that guys it's how about you kick frankie a couple bucks now and again here and there yeah right but but then in verse 22 he says all right enough about pride let's move on to dick stuff shall we so first things first god

clarifies that david and solomon grossed him the fuck out with all those wives You may have said repeatedly in the Bible that he loved the hell out of those guys. But between us white guys, they were gross. Well, and apparently Joey's playing a long con here because he doubles down in verse 27 of chapter two and says, in no uncertain terms, one wife, guys. guys. Unless, unless, as he says in verse 30, God needs a bunch of babies, which, hey, conveniently is exactly what God is going to tell Joseph Smith.

Spoiler alert! And then just to make sure everyone knows Jacob means business, we close this chapter by saying that these guys are even worse than the Lamanites. There's a Wilt Chamberlain joke here. And maybe a Neville Chamberlain

joke, too. Hell, maybe. There's a piece of ass in our time. Now, just because that was the end of the chapter doesn't mean that was the end of the tirade. It would be like if the diatribe ended, the headline thing came up, and I just started bitching about the same thing some more. Oh, and another

thing about those fucking evangelicals. Right. So now we move on to the what's God going to do to you portion of the program. And the answer is apparently make you a black person. Yep, pretty much. Am I reading this right? I think so.

And that's Mormon God for I'm going to turn around this car right now. I'll make you black. I'll fucking do one, two. That's what I thought. So apparently the Nephites have gotten so bad that God's threatened to send in the B team. He's like, fuck, man, even a Lamanite wouldn't have fucked that. Also, it comes really close in verse five, just saying the Lamanites who you hate because they're black.

The actual phrase is because of their filthiness and the cursing which hath come upon their skin yeah but and we should point out in this chapter he calls them filthy several times but to be fair he doesn't draw any conclusions from how filthy they are so you know why are you afraid of science why are you afraid of science oh all of a sudden you're on board with phrenology i get yelled at every time you guys fine whatever which amendment is that now in case you missed the more subtle hints of racism here jacob worries aloud in verse eight that if the nephites don't change their ways quote i fear that their skins will be whiter than yours. Right. Yeah, exactly. The skins of

the Lamanites. So basically, this whole chapter is be careful or you'll wind up black. And they still use this. I mean, this is not the holy book of the ancient Acadians or anything. This is the one they're walking around with now. Well, now I'm embarrassed about embroidering. Be careful.

You'll wind up black onto this pillow he also wraps up by saying that he also warned the Nephites about fornication and lasciviousness and every kind of sin and I'd love to see how that went every kind no hand jobs blow jobs butt stuff apparently someday there's gonna be something called a vibrator

that's out no mixed fabrics no eight-legged grasshopper eating can somebody bring me food this is gonna mixed fabrics, no eight-legged grasshopper eating. Can somebody bring me food? This is going to be a while. No head-on parking. Thank you. Gross. He even described in perfect detail

what a puzzle in a thunderstorm was. And we found the plate, but you can't see it. It's out. We found it. Dig it up. He'll take it back. Let's just say the prostitutes in Moscow

told us to leave. Wouldn't even tell us which bed Trump used. This book spends an awful lot of time promising us that it could have been better too. Doesn't it? Well, not just that. We get a great little kicker. He says, these are the plates

of Jacob made by the hand of Nephi, the guy who died in chapter one. What's the ancient Jewish version of squish, squish, squish? Scrape, scrape, scrape. And you can tell people were still bitching about that last chapter too, because this one starts with Jacob saying, so yeah, about that last chapter. We have to carve all this shit into plates. I couldn't list all the

sins. I'd be chipping away all fucking day. So, you know, moving on. Should have gotten Noah. He spell checks. Sometimes he rewrites your jokes so they're funnier or not nonsense. It's great. I'm just saying it's great. Yeah. It's great. It's also the word I was thinking.

That's his sarcastic voice. Here's a lost tablet somewhere that just says like, TLDR, Joe gets a harem, black people are gross, TTYL. Well, there's also a little, boy, those ways of God, so mysterious, am I right? Yeah, this is amazing. Okay, he gets so deep into talking about that that he almost talks himself into atheism, right?

I mean, he's going like, I mean, it's almost like it makes no fucking sense, isn't it? That's an omnipotent creature. It could speak the world into existence. It's so mysterious. It's so weird. Just to crumple up the tablet and throw it away. He ends up having to etch a big strike through. And just for safe measure,

he also tosses in a couple verses of these fucking Jews, right? Yeah. He says that they were stiff-necked. Isn't that a good thing? Keep a stiff upper neck? That's not the expression. Nope.

Oh, well then I would like to go to the hospital. No, you're just saying this because chapter 5 is next and it's the worst goddamn chapter in the expression. Nope. Oh, well, then I would like to go to the hospital. No, you're just saying this because chapter five is next, and it's the worst goddamn chapter in the history of chapters. So long. Jesus. Now, instead of just admitting that he's run out of shit to say, Jacob says, hey, do you guys remember that part of the Bible with the olive trees? That was awesome. Was it?

But first, he again reminds us that tablets are a real bitch, guys. You got to scrape them for fucking ever. I'm talking Heath Enright levels of writing skills. You know what I'm saying? Just like a... Hurtful. Not everyone writes like a tween stenographer on Adderall sending a text. Whatever.

Well, and also, okay, so after he bitches about how important shit has to be before you want to carve it into plates, he pisses away 77 verses rephrasing something that's already in the Bible. But I'll sum it up for you in 14 words. Mormons are like fresh branches off the

rotting tree of Israel grafted onto America. There's your whole fucking analogy. We need a travel ban on Utah. It's after the October show. But because he doesn't get how analogy works, he has to go into weird, unrelated details. Also, the

vineyard owner had a dog. His name was Rusty. It doesn't represent anything. And God sayeth, he had one of those swingy fences. Not a gate, you know what I mean what is it and he wasn't a pug because they can't breathe and that's unethical

and I don't think it would be possible to express the tedium of this analogy without reading it to you which we're not going to do don't worry but suffice to say it should have been over at least 11 times before it actually was.

Right, right. We followed these grafted olive branches for nine fucking generations by the time this thing is over. It's like an olive tree telling you about it, SanSystrey.com results. Yeah. No, it goes on forever. So by the end of it, God's making the perfect olive tree

in some Frankensteinian laboratory of arboreal chimeras. And I'm just going like, Jesus, how are there 17 more verses? This analogy goes on for so long that by the end of it, the omnitemporal guy has died of old age. Yes! And I will say about this chapter,

it is best summed up by whoever writes the skeptics annotated Book of Mormon when they say in their chapter summary, quote, this is the longest and digged for about no apparent purpose, except to waste 3,733 words, end quote. Shout out to the front of the show, Steve Wells. Man, I'll tell you what, he's been doing this for a minute. He's gone through some shit, guys. Steve Wells has seen some shit. No doubt. But it's been too long since we threatened everybody, so it's time to condemn some more folks to hell by chapter six here.

And is it me or does he make it pretty clear in this chapter that the Nephites need to believe in Jesus 500 years before he's born or they'll go to hell? Yep. Free Jesus. It's all about fetal Jesus. They're called unborn again Christians. Also, this occurred to me as we were reading this. Mormonism is to Judaism

as Donald Trump is to CNN, right? He fucking hates them and desperately vies for their approval at the same time. Also, pretty sure Donald Trump hates Jews. No. After the way he treated that incredibly sweaty reporter. Get out of here.

I like the one who's fucking my daughter. I like the one who's fucking my daughter. Respect. His dick wasn't in there. Mine certainly would. Oh, snap. Women voted for me. Burn.

I'm president now. Yeah, so a lot of generic fire and brimstone talk. And then we're off to the final chapter of Jacob. Thank you, Jeebus. But not before he says, bye. I won't see you until we're all subject to God's pleasing bar. What? A holy chapter that ends with bye and phrasing in a single sentence.

Yeah, and it's the last chapter. So it's a perfect time to meet our villain. After Jacob says goodbye. Yeah, right. And another fucking thing. Yeah, and that would be Shurim, the evil person who thought he was going to tell Jacob what's what. It says he had perfect knowledge.

Anyone else picturing Jacob like a couple tables over at Bar Trivia? I'm telling you, Shurim, a little Shereme for me, is working with the devil. No way. You know, Parker Posey's first film. James Randi turns on a radio scanner, picks up the devil. Hello, Sherem. Can you hear me? You can't?

You're in trouble. Right. So Sherem's using his gift of gab for the powers of darkness to try to lead people away from the teachings of pre-christ but then he gets around to jacob who was unjewable apparently so they get in an old testament fight and jacob goes you want a sign i'll give you a fucking sign and then ask god to smite sherem dead and god's like yeah all right yeah no that's Yeah. But God lets him live long enough to tell everybody he was definitely wrong about the Jesus thing. Right. Of course.

Yeah. Like the Canadian girlfriend, Jacob, totally got a blowing job from the guy who doubted him died saying the worst sin ever is doubting Jacob. Subtle. Yeah. And then Jacob ends his own narrative by dying. Just. Yeah. subtle yeah and then jacob ends his own narrative by dying just yeah i mean he at least has a sense to say and i'm sure i'm gonna die before anything else significant to the overall plot happens the end i'm sorry forget what i said before because these plates literally end with adieu. What? That's right. A 6th century BCE North American Israelite

dies by saying adieu. Adieu. Fucking bon chance. We'll always have Paris. Fuck this book. And in closing, adieu, adieu to you and you and you. Please take this book seriously. Well, right. And it's supposed

to be a hieroglyph. So does the fucking Egyptian, reform Egyptian say in brackets, read this part in French. So anyway, this book is the chronological equivalent of me doing an accent. But the good news is that it's over and we're done with that one.

The bad news, of course, is that after the Arkansas of Jacob, we get the Tennessee of Enos and there's no New York at the end of this road. So enjoy not reading the Book of Mormon while you can, and the Book of Morons will return in episode 225. We have to. He's called you old. I'm going to go. for links. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for our sister show's hot friend Godawful Movies debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday and a brand new episode of Citation

Needed debuting at noon the following day. You can also check me out on the Odd Atheist Friend podcast as well as the Inciting Incident podcast, both of which we'll have linked on our social media as soon as they're available. Obviously, this episode wouldn't count towards our stats if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for never giving me up, Lucinda for never letting me down, and Eli for never running around and hurting me. Fuck, that doesn't work if I save Eli for last. I also want to thank Phil and Lee from Reason is Rising for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. They sent it to me back in January, but luckily, Donald Trump jokes age well. If you'd like to check out their network of podcasts, you'll find them linked on the show notes.

Don't see why everybody's got to do multiple podcasts all of a sudden. Seems greedy to me, but whatever. And most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most humane humanists, Paul, other Paul, Kim, Casey, Ryan, Jesse, Swain, Kiwi, Zombie, Melissa, Payne, Strumpet, Vincent, Matthew, Phillip, William, Dale, Paul, Saul, Morgan, Michael, and Brett. Paul, other Paul, Kim, Casey, and Ryan, whose pheromones are so phenomenal, I want to rub them on my armpits when they get sweaty.

Jesse, Swain, Melissa, Kiwi, Zombie, and Painstrumpet, who are so badass those elite army guys volunteer to downgrade one spot on the color wheel and be the turquoise berets. Vincent, Matthew, Philip, William, and Dale, whose erections are so elegant they put the hardened chardonnay. And Paul, Saul, Morgan, Michael, and Brett, whose yearbook superlatives just said most. Together, this score of scandalously sculpted scatheists helped us scale up our skeptical scrutiny of Scripture's scattershot scholarships this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the prudence, temperance, fortitude, and justice to give us money,

but if your virtuosity is up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at skatingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but your financial situation is in a holding pattern until you find the end of that goddamn rainbow,

you can also help us at some time by giving us a five-star review on iTunes or by telling a friend about the show or by telling a friend to give us a five-star review on iTunes. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you can find all the contact info on the contact page at SkiddingAdiots.com.

I would like that joke to go away, please. It's very funny, but I would like it. Definitely go away. Whether you like it or not. It's very funny, but I would like it. Definitely go away. Whether you like it or not. It's just for us. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.