The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 223: Spank War Edition

Episode Date: May 25, 2017

In this week’s episode, Texas sends their Bizarro version of the First Amendment to fight the real one, Donald Trump refuses to say the words "radical Islamic terrorism" because he's a liberal cuck, and Betsy Devos looks for a way to make her intelligence level the average. To check out Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Headlines: Donald Trump pisses off all the Muslims even more: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/21/trump-says-terrorists-do-not-worship-god-calls-islam-one-of-worlds-great-faiths/ Betsy Devos to unveil ‘us paying for religious schools’: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/18/donald-trump-and-betsy-devos-set-to-announce-taxpayer-funding-for-religious-schools/ Time Square vehicular manslaughterer says god made him do it: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/19/driver-in-deadly-times-square-tragedy-said-god-made-him-do-it/ VA PD put bible quotes on cars, public outrage took them the fuck off: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/19/blessed-are-the-peacemakers-decals-will-come-down-from-va-county-cop-cars-after-pushback/ Montreal to tax their churches: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2017/05/good-news-montreal-taxing-churches/ Texas fucking sucks and their legislature are a bunch of dicks: http://www.mystatesman.com/news/state--regional-govt--politics/religious-refusal-foster-care-bill-heads-gov-abbott-desk/DhPhOeI75Vr7w2xyUyBU9I/ Pastor talks to god on the phone http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/22/nothing-to-see-here-just-a-pastor-chatting-with-god-over-the-phone/ Preacher: “God gave kids extra butt-padding so you could spank them” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/18/baptist-preacher-god-gave-kids-extra-padding-on-their-butts-so-you-could-spank-them/ This Week in Misogyny: Teddy Shoebat: Manchester victims were “sluts and whores” http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/theodore-shoebat-victims-of-manchester-bombing-were-pro-sodomite-sluts-and-whores/ Christian school condemns abortion; punishes student for not having one: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/20/us/teen-pregnancy-religious-values-christian-school.html?_r=0 Fabio: All women needs guns because CA is releasing their vast stores of rapists: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/21/fabio-all-women-need-guns-because-california-is-releasing-all-the-rapists/

Warning, this podcast contains material that other podcasts would have the decency to edit out. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by Dollar Shave Club. And by our Mike Pence in five words or less contest. Today's winner is the illustrious friend of the show, Michael Marshall, who had platonic form of white guy. Plot on March. Form, white guy, substance, mayo. Anyway, the game continues.

Tweet us your best five words or less using the hashtag PenceScathed and you could be the next winner. And now, the skating atheist. Hey everyone, Pittsburgh Atheist here and in light of my recent victory over the Pennsylvania Department of Transportation regarding my atheist vanity license plate, I can assure you we did, in fact, evolve from

filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's May 25th. And the only Holy Spirit here is Moonshine. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Henright. I'm from New York, New York. Secret Lair, Pennsylvania.

This is Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, we steal Heath's intro and he's mad about it for a week. Unheardful Donald Trump uses to say the words radical Islamic terrorism because he's a liberal cuck. And Betsy DeVos looks for a way to make her intelligence level the average. But first, the diatribe. For a lot of years, I tried to make my living as a juggler. Now, lest you start thinking this is going to be one of those stories of me learning my lesson about having silly, unrealistic dreams, I should remind you that I currently try to make my living as a podcaster.

I still juggle from time to time when I'm not podcasting. Of course, I mean, now that we got citation needed going, it'd be just as accurate to say I dive between Saturn and its rings rings when i'm not podcasting four shows doesn't leave a ton in the way of spare time but once in a while i still get a nostalgic hair up my ass to throw sharp and or heavy objects around my face for an extended period of time now i i probably don't have to tell you that trying to earn a living doing that kind of sucks i'm pretty sure it's the only profession where your success is directly correlated with your lack of safety right like? Like nobody ever says like, man, you go to the website pretty good, but could you do it if your keyboard was on fire? And on top of that, you got the drunken abuse of Busker, Hayden Hacklers, you got starvation wages, the omnipresent knowledge that you're part of the least respected art form in the world that doesn't involve face makeup, and the fact that there's no

such thing as making it in your particular field. And i guess you can see why i found it so appealing but of all the various annoyances and aggravations i dealt with as a busker none were as annoying as the goddamn preachers okay so the biggest key to success as a street performer is the ability to draw a crowd obviously right you can toss whatever the fuck you want in the air but if there's nobody watching you do it you're not going to make any money. So you learn all these various tricks and shit about how to convince the first few people to stop, form them into a line, you get them clapping, get them excited, fill in the rows behind them, etc. Before you start the show. And large crowds are to street preachers as underage asses are to the ones in the churches.

So as soon as you drop a crowd, there's a pretty good chance you're going to have to defend it. Now, no other busker would dream of coming in and trying to take your crowd. Okay. Nobody collecting signatures for a petition or signing people up for their newsletter or something would have the gall to walk between a performer and the people that they're obviously performing for and say, hey, can I have everybody's attention, please? But when you're a soldier in the army, a God etiquette can go fuck itself. My income can go fuck. It's everything can go fuck itself my income can go fuck it's everything can go fuck itself because all of those are petty mortal concerns that pale in comparison with the importance of this preacher's mission i might be saving for retirement but this guy is saving souls now let's

be honest here right like street preachers aren't saving souls any more than buskers are saving for retirement i mean even if souls were a thing right that existed and were in need of being saved nobody's religion was ever changed because some asshole interrupted my diablo act to ask them where they'd go if they died tonight but the futility of that doesn't matter to them because this is a purely self-centered act it's not about you it's about them let's be clear about that it's about fulfilling an internal narrative that exaggerates their importance. It's a way of pretending to wisdom without the hard work of acquiring knowledge. It's about disguising your pedestal as a soapbox and your arrogance as

altruism. It's a way of convincing yourself of the unlikely precept that you matter on a cosmic scale. And in a lot of ways, these people are no different than any other drunken asshole that staggers up and decides to be the star of my show, right? I mean, I dealt with these assholes a lot more often, but they're a lot easier to deal with. You could call them out for being the assholes that they were being, right? There was very little I couldn't get away with in terms of verbal abuse when some shit-faced douche bro sloshes up in the middle of my routine to make a clever joke about me and my balls. The audience was 100% behind whatever derision i care to dish out and if the drunk dude got too abusive it generally generates some sympathy dollars in my hat so the more i fucked up the show the less he

fucked up the paycheck but the same was not true when it came to the asshole preacher now no doubt my view is skewed because i did most of my busking in savannah georgia and saint augustine florida but when the preacher came through doing the same fucking thing, the audience has wanted me to treat him with some amount of respect. Right. This, despite the fact that his aims are way more sinister than the ones of the drunken frat boy. I mean, ball jokes are funny, just not those ones right now. Teaching children that they can be tortured for eternity for diddling their bits. That's always wrong, no matter what. But if I keep the same abuse of the preacher that I put on the drunk, the audience would punish me for it. The crowd got smaller. The hat got lighter. They didn't laugh when I nailed them with a witty insult.

And on more than one occasion, they audibly gasped. See, thinking you're more important than everybody else, that's not unique to religion. I do it all the time. But what makes religion so fucking dangerous is the way that society wants to get complicit in that delusion. The drunken frat boy and the preacher are both motivated by the same self-aggrandizement, but one of them cloaks it in something just sacred enough to shield him from the criticism he deserves. When I start acting on these egocentric feelings, society is quick to swap me back down and remind me that everybody else also likes themselves the most. And when nobody plays along, the worst I can do is make an ass of myself on Facebook or something. But when society is playing along, you get pedophilia coverups, conversion therapy, ethnic cleansing, all the bad shit we've ever bothered to name is what you get. And there's something of a lesson here for

the atheist movement, I think. See, the preacher was never the problem for me. I knew how to deal with some asshole trying to get between me and my audience. It's a big part of the job. It's something every busker learns to deal with. I can deal with anything the preacher brings as long as the rules that the preacher is judged by are the same as the ones that everyone else in the fucking world are judged by. And as soon as we reach that point, by the way, as a society, we can all, like, meet up at dilla hunty's place for the post-atheist movement victory barbecue they're talking about you jesus interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin joining me for headlines tonight are the donnie and walter to my dude he

then right and eli bosnick fellas ready to go fucking bowling or what wait why am i donnie why can't we pick our own characters? Shut the fuck up, Donnie! Alright, well, one way or the other, I think I should do a chase, so we're going to pause for a couple minutes to tell you about this week's sponsor, Dollar Shave Club. Hi, welcome to Lady Salon for Ladies. I'm overly chipper for someone who removes hair

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That sounds great. I'm out of here. Thanks. But wait, don't you want us to pull the hair out of your body while you listen to Enya? I think I'll go with the smarter choice. We have sheets we never change. You can get touched by a stranger. And now, back to the headlines.

and now back to the headlines in our lead story tonight donald trump made a trip to saudi arabia last week and uh honestly the fact that he managed to avoid yelling the sand n-word for two entire days that feels like a victory for everyone that's what i was expecting he also uh didn't start world war three that was the other thing at least not immediately was expecting. He also didn't start World War III. That was the other thing. At least not immediately. Yeah, right. And really, he didn't say anything especially offensive to all the Muslim people. So, other than the fact that he's a big fat liar who campaigned on the Islamophobia

platform, the whole thing wasn't that bad. Yeah. Give a speech, visit a wall, donate a year of your life to the orbs so that its light may glow forever eternally. It's a good trip. You guys got anything evil here? What's the most sinister looking thing I can touch?

Oh, right this way, sir. Right this way. Now, get a little ahead of ourselves. Just to be clear, I said the trip wasn't that bad. And yes, that's a resounding victory on the trump curve right but there was definitely plenty of stupid for example he called islam one of the world's greatest faiths i have no idea what that means and while i'm sure all the muslim people loved like getting the bronze medal from trump i guess that's just meaningless nonsense. And speaking of nonsense,

he called Saudi Arabia a fabulous place and praised them for having some of the holiest sites. Some of the holiest sites. Again, there's definitely some kind of ranking system in his head, but I have no idea what it looks like. Faith, third place. Muslimism. Faith, second place. Christianity.

Faith, first place. The call to the orb hey dude the chamber with mother brain and it wasn't just going to open itself fair fair okay so moving on to my favorite part of the story we already mentioned it briefly the magical mystery orb oh i heard about this earlier Earlier in this story, yeah. As part of the trip, Trump visited the grand opening of a new facility in Riyadh that's allegedly going to prevent terrorism with computer surveillance. But not just computer surveillance. Also, a mystical item. Apparently, their spy center involves a glowing ball of energy that looks like part of a

game show about wizards and the only way to fire up all the equipment is for king solomon of saudi arabia president el-sisi of egypt and donald trump to all place their hands on it at the same time and yell, activate. And I 100 percent do not know if you're kidding. I am 100 percent not. Yeah. So that's stupid enough already. But Trump actually managed to fuck it up somehow. Anyway, all he had to do was put his tiny little hands onto a ball and he got it wrong.

It's so good, by the way. Look at the video. His hands are so small compared to the other pair of hands on his back. That's right. So the big reveal in their opening ceremony was to have the three leaders touch the orb thing and have that light up an office full of Saudi computer spies in little cubicles. But Trump was facing the wrong direction and it lit up behind him while he wasn't looking.

And then we got some Saudi personnel explaining, yes, these are real computers. Sorry, just computer. We would just say computers. These are computers and they're going to help us catch all the terrorists that we continue funding.

Right. We're going to catch them. Yeah. This is all just to shut down our PayPal account. Trump's standing at the front. I don't mean to insult your wonderful country, but these aren't computers.

They're a wall. A very blank wall. Mr. President, turn around. Turn around. No. And in no child left ahead news tonight, Secretary of Education and the last person to realize

Go Bears was a reference to the mascot Betsy DeVos offered up a speech in Indianapolis on Monday night in which she argued that it was okay to have an incompetent person running her department

since it was useless anyway. Ooh, honest and refreshing. Five stars. Which is probably five more stars than she can name. Yeah. Can people name stars? Is that a thing?

People? Terry's, Arcturus, Barnard's star, Beetlejuice, the sun. Toast. That's it. I helped. I helped too. Yeah. Now, she also assured her audience at the American Federation for Children Summit that

when the Trump administration said about fucking all the defenseless people in this country with their new budget proposal, he wasn't going to forget the children. Trump and I have a lot in common on that. Moving on, moving on. So what I want to talk about is a specific element. Because I want to fuck a child. That is not what I did. Thank you for the counterexample of what I want to talk about, Eli.

But no, what I want to talk about is everything but that pretty much in order from one to the last thing anyway that but now it would be an element of the budget for the department of education and but i want to say in advance like considering the vast depths of fuckery to every disadvantaged person we have a demographic for in this budget that's kind of like lamenting all the lovely artwork that we lost on 9-11 canvas canvas doesn't burn that hot but but like i mean but but to be fair we probably lost a lot of real nice paintings there okay show me a human being as nice as a norman rockwell painting and i'll follow your metaphor uh simile yeah right you're a simile i'm like a simile so with that in mind i want to take a quick look here at the nine billion dollars of over educating we apparently did last year

oh like a montage somebody won we're not doing that no so don't get me wrong nobody stands to gain more from a less educated populist than the trump administration uh walmart well taco bell chicken clucker quarter clucker let's get it right but i don't recall a lot of people going to the polls saying that they wanted you know less money for teacher training class size reduction after school programs for the poor arts education foreign language programs and child child care for low income parents in college. Okay, that's only because they didn't ask me to be fair. Dude, maybe don't sing at every doorstep

when you're doing the Megan's Law thing. It's a weird song you wrote too. The whole thing is off-putting. I want to fuck. No, we said you've been trying to sneak that song in for a long time. It's not going to happen. You've got to rewrite the song. The orchestration is beautiful that Morgan came up with.

It is. I will give Morgan credit for that. Hired a symphony. But no, I want to say, perhaps even more frightening than the budget cuts in this are the proposed increases, most of which are dedicated to misguided voucher programs that would force American taxpayers to pay for religious schools. I swear, if we said the founding fathers never intended kitchen knives and foreheads to be separate, we'd take out two-thirds of the Republican Party. They're selling this whole thing under the guise of school choice, right?

Wonderful, yeah. Let's get more teachers just beating the shit out of each other like the firemen in Gangs of New York. That's a great idea. That's basically the idea here. I want to be clear though about what kind of choice Betsy DeVos is talking about when she uses this word. We're talking about schools that can choose to discriminate against gay teachers or atheist ones or Jewish ones or divorced ones or whatever the fuck they want. They can discriminate against gay students. They can choose whether or not to teach kids about evolution.

Schools that can choose whether or not to force prayer and Bible studies on your children. That's the choice that Betsy DeVos wants you to pay for. I mean, sounds like school choice if it means you get to choose, by every definition, not a school, right? But that's the whole fucking point of the voucher idea. Yeah, that you can choose not a school. That's the whole fucking point of the voucher idea. Yeah, that you can choose not a school.

Yeah, not a school. School, not a school. School choice. Here's the controversy. And in Fast and the Curious Jew News tonight. Wait, you mean Jew Fast, Jew Curious?

Simile. What? I learned a new word today did you see you learned that there was a word it's not like you learned a new word today i shouted at women on the street simile you gotta be reading that word for that joke to be funny. But it's great. As our audience may distantly remember, because everything's a hellscape and tragedy is instantly forgotten now, a crazy person drove a car into Times Square last week, killing one young woman and injuring nearly two dozen other people, most of which were tourists, proving once and for all that literally nothing will make those people get the fuck out of the way there's a video now i'm just saying there is a guy who's just like nope no i'm sorry i'm taking a picture i'm gonna see the m&m store amen eli thank you new york drivers just like okay well the space is clear now i'm gonna take it it doesn't make me heartless it doesn't mean i endorse vehicular manslaughter be stupid not to go in that space though now just heath parallel parking on a dead portuguese woman in a statue of liberty hat she tried to head on park with her rental car it's ridiculous

the cops helped me pull her out of her car and do this got applause it was great it was like the ending of spider-man it was fantastic went wild everybody loved it was like the ending of Spider-Man. It was fantastic. The crowd went wild. Everybody loved it. Now, as the news of this incident was breaking, people with no self-awareness everywhere wondered, first, obviously, if he was a Muslim, and upon learning he was Hispanic, wondered if he was an illegal immigrant. And then finally, upon learning he was a U.S. citizen tuned up on PCP, stopped wondering altogether

because crime is just sad if you weren't one of those first two things. But to be fair, the PCP was an illegal immigrant from Mexico. New York woman killed by unheld dust. Stay tuned to Fox News for more updates.

Trump goes to visit a meth lab. Meth is one of the world's greatest drugs. Huge. Got his one of the world's greatest drugs. Huge. Got his hands on a big glowing crack pipe. But see, we here on The Scathing Atheist are skeptics. And so we did some further digging to find the culprit besides PCP. And it turns out, that's right, it's God.

But don't worry, it's Christian God. So there's nothing to see here. Hey, New Yorkers, atheist God can get you a parking spot. Just saying. North Carolina. It's true. I've seen Heath drive for hours until one opens up. Through the flames emitting from his own car.

One time. One time's enough. Where did we end up? Two blocks from the place we were going. It was fine. It's true. Okay, well, where did we end up? Two blocks from the place we were going. It was fine. It's true. It worked. These people at AAA were lovelies. They were.

So, according to CNN, upon his arrest, Rojas, who we'll call Eli's driving instructor, told the police that God made him do it. But again, it was Christian God, so there's absolutely nothing to be concluded from this. He's obviously crazy. We can't hear you this he's obviously crazy we can't hear you la la la we can't hear you and in yes virginia there isn't a santa claus news tonight we have news out of the most podunk bible belt rebel flag sounding place name in america uh oh uh obesityville uh yeehaw Town. Big chicken clucker. Quarter clucker. Big quarter clucker.

It's important. No, I think I can one-up all of you. So this all starts when the Montgomery County Sheriff's Office in Christianburg, Virginia. No wins. Just saying all those words together made me whiter. Decided that all their sheriff's cars should have a Bible quote decal. Specifically, Matthew 5-9, which reads, Blessed are the peacemakers. Or at least that's the part they quoted. whiter decided that all their sheriff's cars should have a bible quote decal specifically matthew 5 9 which reads blessed are the peacemakers or at least that's the part they quoted

uh that passage also goes on to say for they will be called the children of god which means that in its entirety the passage that says being a cop makes you christian and that christians have authority it yeah it's a whole thing yeah just jack nicholson walking around a church fucking up people's cast not sure why but i like it now this decal decision happened several months ago but it only recently came to the attention of the ffrf who to their credit shut it the fuck down well done i really hope there's a police auction full of eight-year-old girls bidding on a sticker collection at some point that would make me happy awesome so we are appropriate aged to buy these from you guys you guys are weird so when the story first started making the rounds on the atheist blogosphere the sheriff's

department's response was something like oh come on we're violating one constitutional amendment at the most and and the one with the smallest numerical value at that but after the ffrf lawyers made a few phone calls to city officials lo and behold the skies parted and the city saw the fucking light and announced plans to take the stickers off the city-owned vehicles well done ffrf who knows and in oh canada news tonight in a typically canadian move of once again being the not stupid version of america montreal one-upped new york city this week by taxing their churches well almost yeah but even almost at least qualifies them for the less stupid version of america yeah it sure does the new bill moving forward makes churches and church property not being used explicitly for the purpose of nothing, sorry, worship,

is now taxable property and is to be treated as any other property as far as taxes are concerned. A bunch of Canadian priests and we do gather here five and five to worship at the sanctified grounds of this gymnasium and offer up sacrament to these hoops in the form of out of shape white guy layups.

Amen. Hey, we were fundamentally sound on the St. Catherine's CYO team. Fundamentalist. That's a crisp chest passing. We knew what we were doing. Ooh, fun fact, crisp chest passing. How I ended up on Megan's list. Backdoor

passing. Now, opponents of the bill claim that this puts churches that host Boy Scout groups, community events, and food banks at risk of being shut down, and that those services will need to find new, non-religiously affiliated homes. To which Senator Eli Bosnick replied,

Yeah. Yep. Yeah. And you know how you might be able to pay for those new places? Tax revenue! Taxes. None of which pays for pedophiles to have lawyers as it turns out yeah pizza maybe but lawyers also maybe no definitely the state provides one there too a lawyer i mean

not a pizza shame though because like every time i've been arrested i really kind of needed the pizza more at least in the moment absolutely i have been guilty all of those times. And now it should be pointed out that there is no plan in the future for think real hard parts of the church to be taxed. And the bill is largely there to solve the problem of untaxed empty churches. But it is a step in the right direction. Which means it's a step.

I mean, we're standing on the South Pole of stupidity in terms of church taxation. Every step you take is one to the north. I mean, don't assume everyone who listens to this show subscribes to the round-earth theory, but I get your metaphor. I'm never happy when I find out your opinion about

a thing. Right? Just never. And for those who are thinking to themselves, sure, this sounds good, but how much money can this be costing us in the good old U.S. of A? Well, according to a recent report by the Secular Policy Institute, the answer is $71

billion a year. Or in layman's terms, a yearly subscription to Asa Akira's OnlyFans profile for every single American with money left over. Or even better, 71 crazy billionaire remakes of Christian movies. That's more than half of what we've done so far.

Also roads or schools or healthcare or something. But every American could see Asa's boobs, guys. It's like, get it like a social security card, I'm just saying. And while I blow Eli's mind by showing him 23 places to see Asa's boobs

for free. Yeah, and one of them being my porn phone right now. And while I blow Eli's mind by showing him 23 places to see Asa's boobs for free. Yeah, and one of them being my porn phone right now. He has a dedicated porn phone. You guys don't have a dedicated porn phone? What the fuck do you use your real phone? Well, while I get one, we're going to pause for a quick break and have things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. It's not the same.

She can see your comments. She says hi. It's great. This is a weird free ad. I don't. She's already paid me with her boobs. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race.

If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Masajid. I don't know that there's a right reaction in the face of a terrorist attack. That's kind of the point, isn't it? You sow chaos, leave people afraid, make them overreact. If there was an obvious right reaction, they wouldn't be terrorizing correctly.

But just because I can't tell you the right reaction doesn't mean I don't know the wrong one when I see it. For example, my asshole of a husband spent Tuesday morning sending all of his friends in Manchester condolences for their city having to suffer through such a horrible concert. Definitely the wrong reaction. But it pales in comparison to the wrongness of lady-hating basement dweller Theodore Shoebat, whose reaction was to point out that the victims were mostly sluts and whores anyway. Oh, never gets head. Ted started off his video reveling in the deaths of 22 innocent people before labeling the victims as sodomite lovers, adding, quote, they, the sodomite lovers, that is, go to these concerts dressed up as whores, dressed up as sluts. They're pro-sodomite, they're pro-divorce, they're pro-infidelity, end quote. I guess the, and therefore deserve to be killed by a shrapnel-laden explosive device is just assumed. But enough of me bragging about my husband being nominally less of an asshole than Theodore Shoebat.

Let's return stateside for a story out of Christian school in Maryland called the Heritage Academy. A couple of listeners sent me a link to a New York Times story about a student named Maddie Runkels, who, despite a 4.0 GPA and a perfect disciplinary record, will be banned from her graduation ceremony on account of her sinful fertility. She was also removed from her school council position for the same reason. Now, what the school is saying here is don't have sex, but the message they're sending is get an abortion. In a misguided effort to defend themselves, the school released an official statement that referred to her pregnancy as, quote, an internal issue about which much prayer and discussion has taken place, end quote. Again, that's their official statement, not a leaked transcript. They're defending their misogyny by highlighting how obsessed the entire school is with the recreational history of a teenage girl's vagina. But lest I be accused of only bringing you the bad news, I want to close tonight on a useful piece of advice for all you ladies out there.

But not a piece of advice for me. I mean, what the hell do I know about advising women? I don't even have a penis. No, if you want reputable information on the dangerous women face, you go to the same place you go for reputable information on any other subject, Fabio. And what does Fabio advise the ladies to do? Why, get a gun quick before you're raped by a California felon. Of course. This suggestion came during an interview on NRA TV where Fabio was offering up his opinion on Second Amendment law. Is there anything this guy isn't an expert on? When he pointed out that all the women should arm up like the third act of a Schwarzenegger flick because California Governor Jerry Brown is, quote, releasing all the rapists.

Now, the actual law he was talking about was Proposition 57, which increases parole and good behavior releases for some felons convicted of nonviolent crimes, which Fabio has interpreted to mean, in his words, all the pedophiles, child molesters, and rapists. So look for a later update where Fabio argues that he raped all those kids non-violently, I guess. And with Fabio kid fucking joke checked off my bucket list, I'm going to hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in Please Sir, May I Have Some Less News Tonight, Texas continues to punish our generations for the craven territorial expansion of America's 19th century ancestry this week by being a miserable shit stain of a state. Obviously, this show isn't long enough to outline all the reasons that sentence is true, so I'm going to limit myself to one here, namely the

state Senate signing off on House Bill 3859, which seeks to prioritize the bigotry of adoption agencies over the welfare of children and the rights of same-sex couples and single people and non-christians it's a whole list and of course at the time of this recording the bill only awaits the signature of texas's bigot and chief governor greg abbott to become law hey greg what you doing sitting down at the bottom of that buttered slope? I'm in a wheelchair, asshole. And who buttered this? What the fuck? Fucking gold bricker.

Now, of the various things that piss me off about this bill, I feel like the one that earns my ire more than any other is the fact that the chief subject of the bill, according to its numerous authors, is child protection. Protecting children from loving homes with fags in them.

That was the original title, actually. Yeah, probably. Hold on, hold on. Are the fags in the homes or in the kid? People are going to get confused. Fix the title. That's a weird title. Yeah, you probably could get more Texans to get behind it if they would

kept the original one yeah this podcast fella wrote us a song if texas was worried about protecting children obviously they'd be sending their orphans to a state that wasn't fucking texas but for the record the other contenders on the iron inducing chart here include the fact that the language of this bill would allow adoption agencies to refuse divorced people, atheists, Muslims, Jews, single people, people who don't attend church regularly, pretty much anyone they want. And it seems to suggest it would be okay to refuse children vaccines if your stupidity is sincere enough about it. Okay. I mean, but let's look at it from their perspective. You're, you're an adoption agency in Texas trying to find a good home for a kid. And then a couple of Jewss show up you're not like a little afraid they make them

into soup not even jews make people into soup that's what well yeah but one way or the other you don't have to fucking worry about housing a kid anymore all right well uh we're gonna need 10 seconds on the clock jewish cannibal soups go. Not so tall soup. Mench onion? Cream of classroom. Eli makes soylentil. Soylentil. Oh, damn. The ten seconds ran out.

I could have thrown in some of the ones, awesome ones that I also had thought of, but the time ran out. Damn. Stars? No problem. By the way, he knows stars but not cannibal juice soups we have different priorities obviously read a book and by the way some of the more moderate defenders of this bill have pointed out that the purpose of

the law is to ensure that faith-based organizations will continue to provide the services for all these needy children because they won't do it if they have to do it for evens well exactly right okay so republican state senator charles perry points out that the system is plagued by a shortage of homes for children and fears that if the bill doesn't pass in his words as many as 25 of the available child placement agencies would suspend services out of fear of having to give kids to gay people remember when i wrote a joke turned out to be real having to give kids to gay people. Remember when I wrote a joke? Turned out to be real. Yeah, you get used to it eventually.

But look, if they allowed adoption agencies to refuse black and Jewish orphans, the KKK might come in and help out too, right? That doesn't fucking justify it. The proper reaction isn't to cater to the bigotry of somebody who just proved they're too immoral to be trusted with a care of impressionable children but again this story's out of texas so there's not gonna be any proper reactions here fucking headlines should have read religious groups hold homeless children hostage state of texas caves i'm just gonna spend the entire austin show registering the audience to vote well to be fair austin's not the problem. That's the one place that's not the problem.

And in you used to call me on your hell phone news tonight. Move aside, Uri Keller. There's a new laziest magician in town, and he's got a direct line to heaven. Eli, what did I say about promoting your bar mitzvah act on the podcast? That it's free if the kid gives me a back rub was bad ad copy, but I don't see how that's... Well, hold on. He becomes a man that day. I mean, it's a good thing we have Riffra or else Eli getting a happy ending

from a 13-year-old Jewish man might become illegal. Right? People say we're biased. Let's see Hemant get a handjob from a teenager. Seriously, let's see it. Hemant, do it. Jesus Christ. He's got a YouTube. youtube anyway back to the story please

a video of pastor paul sang yore who listeners may remember a few years ago for having killed four members of his congregation in 2015 and then bringing them back to life is going viral after the pastor in church claimed to be playing the middleman for god and a member of his congregation by calling heaven on his samsung galaxy he's just he's just got his number he's yep apparently i think he'd use an add-on iPhone. Old sponsor. So, let me explain this video in a way that isn't just people in Zimbabwe who will fall for literally anything. What the pastor is doing here is a very old and well-known revival preacher stunt of channeling God, made famous for us by Peter Popoff, whose earpiece was exposed on TV by James Randi in 1986. A fact, by the way, that has not stopped Popoff from continuing to preach in that manner to this day. Yeah, no, it was made famous by James Randi.

Yeah, the expose included Randi sending in a man dressed as a woman who Popoff claimed to magically cure of uterine cancer. Well, I mean, to be fair, the guy does not have uterine cancer, but still. Right. So working with a secret earpiece in magician circles is known as hot reading, being fed, prepared, or pre-researched information, as opposed to cold reading, which is a series of vague guesses that apply to everyone that most people will identify. However, this is Zimbabwewe and subtle isn't really their thing so in what seems fairly obvious to me paulie baby had an assistant feeding him information

on the phone pretending to be god but just on the phone yeah he's he's a five-year-old asking you to close your eyes in the middle of their magic trick he's a five-year-old asking you to close your eyes in the middle of their magic trick. He's a five-year-old forgetting to ask you to close your eyes in the middle of their magic trick. Right. So fucking bad. He might as well stop in the middle of the call. Ooh, time expired. Please deposit 10% of your wealth to continue.

And again, listeners, you must watch this video because oh yes he has a hype man literally who every time he reveals something goes like oh i am getting him for every wedding and bar mitzvah i ever do again so yeah uh this may be the sloppiest religious hoax i've seen for a while, or God is a better boyfriend than Heath. One of those things. I love spending minutes with you. And finally tonight, moving on from the Spank

of America file. Google that. Show it to your kids. You know the routine. Religion continues causing adults to abuse children. Feels like that should have been all we needed for the first and last sentence in the history of this entire podcast thank you so much everyone it's been an incredible week thank you to a tribe called quest mom we did it yeah well apparently not no uh so we're gonna take another crack at it crack at it that's

gonna make sense in a second and uh yet another example of a religious leader advocating god approved child abuse is what we're gonna talk about this time it's pastor roger jimenez recently told his followers that god created kids with asses because he wants grownups to spank the asses. That's literally what he's saying. He created Pastor Roger Jimenez with an ass, too. What's he asking for exactly? Oh, I see. So only white women don't get spanked, racists.

All right, so quick background on Pastor Jimenez. That's the guy who said Florida is a little safer tonight following the Pulse massacre in Orlando last year. Yep. He also added the tragedy is that more of them didn't die because these people are predators. They are abusers. Abusers? That's a bad thing? Well, yeah.

If you think it's a good idea to spank your kid, then you agree with that guy about something. Doesn't necessarily mean you're wrong, but you yeah no you're wrong that's not necessarily why you're wrong but you are asking whether or not it's okay to spank your kid or as i call it how to find out how everyone in your hometown is doing on facebook the answer is bad because they hit their kids yeah and that's bad you're doing bad if you hit your kids. You have to have a license to have kids. Yeah, so here's what the pastor had to say about God's plan

for physically assaulting children. Quote, we'd do well if we just got back to the way America used to be. Not a great start. Never a great start. When mom stayed home and children got spanked. I'm talking about taking that child,

pulling down their skirt or their pants. Yep, that's the end of that sentence. That's as long as it is. Probably want to finish that thought next time, Pastor. Ooh, ooh, I'll do it. I'll do it. Anyway, moving on, continuing the quote. Continuing the quote, moving on. Continuing the quote. Continuing the quote.

Moving on. Eli said nothing. God gave children an area in their body that is extra padded and has a whole lot of nerves. End quote. Just saying. Pastor Jimenez's face sure has a lot of fat on it. And nerves. Also nerves.

Sounds like he needs to take his licks. Also, it seems like he left out some important information. Obviously, people are going to need some appropriate music to set the proper mood for beating the shit out of a child. But don't worry. We're here to help. Let's put 30 seconds on the clock. That's why we have the clock. Ideas for the Kid Spanking Mixtape.

Go. Alright, alright. The Cheeks Mix. Got it. How about I Don't Want You to Talk About It by Spare the Rod Stewart. Whip It Good. Baby's Got Back. Of course. I Strike

Kids' Butts and I Cannot Lie. Obviously. Gluteus Maxwell Silverhammer by the Child Beatles. Ooh. I had a mixed one as well. I like big butts because the kids won't die. Sir Kicks a lot. Oh, there you go.

About Booty Vicious. That's Destiny's Child Abuse. Big Girls Do Too Cry by spanky valley uh all about that base of learning to solve your problems through violence in a way that demonstrably lowers iq and makes you prone to violence and drug use by adele megan trainer right they are the person. A lot of people know that. All right. I got one more.

How about Fat Bottom Girls by Queen? It's just a good song. No, yeah, it is. I mean, for any mood. And in a no doubt futile effort

to get that song out of my head now, I guess we're going to have to play some interstitial music or something. So that's going to do it for headlines. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Spank a Nazi, baby. And when we come back, we're going to look over the last chapter of the Book of Mormon that we read and ask ourselves, what the fuck was that all about? Hi, I'm Tony D.

Coming to you from Podcasts, Podcasts, Podcasts on 5th and Main. You like live tours? We got live tours. Tickets for New York City, Seattle, Austin, and Salt Lake City live shows right now in the show notes of the episode. You like podcasts? I hope so. This is a podcast. How about the new show, Citation Needed, where the scathing atheists team up with our buddies

over at Cognitive Dissonance to roast the world. It's like stuff you should know, but with swearing. So come on down to the show notes. We got live show tickets. We got podcasts. But act fast, because Eli's going to murder Heath Suno with pajama pants. Apologies for any inconsistencies in the editing here, but some suicidal religious jackass inspired us to tack on a late addition to this week's show. See, Manchester is the only place in England I've really been.

And I know four days at a hotel and the place doesn't warrant any extra like frequent visitor morning privileges but in addition to being home to the world's premier skeptical conference qed manchester is home to a number of friends of the show and personal friend of all three of us andy wilson occasionally of the incredulous podcast and always the first person we call when we want to buy a boy or lease ask for the skinny twins now when we visited manchester we found a beautiful welcoming progressive city filled with cops and weird hats and cars coming at you from the wrong fucking direction and we spent pretty much the entire time surrounded by one of the largest annual

gatherings of atheists and rationalists in europe. The closest thing atheism has to extremists. And keep in mind, this was right after the Brexit vote, so rarely in British history was there a better time for rationalists to be extreme. And yet, there's no amount of time you could have given us, no amount of fuel you could have added to the fire that would have turned us to violence. I mean, i feel like marsh was a brandy away from going all guy fox but i i get it other than him yeah but only on that last night look like every terrorist attack in the west this one is going to spark up the uh

how much blame does the religion shoulder debate once more and we're not going to solve that debate in a quick cut in between the headlines and mormon peace theater yeah it's a lot though i mean short answer religion takes a fucking lot yeah it's somewhere on the range of a lot in your book and look these are always good times to reflect on how thoroughly religions are able to warp minds we're talking about a guy who was willing to give his life to target random children it's hard to imagine a non-religious narrative that convinces you that you're the good guy in that situation. Now, we're atheists, so we don't have prayers to offer Manchester. Of course, I'm willing to bet that our not-prayers will be exactly as effective

as the prayers the religious people send, but we still felt like we should send something to our many friends and listeners in Manchester. So in solidarity with you tonight, I've asked Eli and Heath to insult Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, leader of ISIS and man now claiming responsibility for the attack, in as British a way as they could manage. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi enjoys Marmite and he drinks Earl grey tea with milk like a goddamn pedophile okay too far heath they just blew stuff up don't do that so does muhammad no more ads no more ads no more ads heath heath what what are you doing, bro? I'm protesting the ads. What are you protesting? The ads on our

show. I hate them. You guys are sellouts. Okay, but Heath, you don't have to hear the ads on our show. Oh. I don't have to hear them? No, man. By pledging as little as a dollar an episode on patreon.com slash scathingatheist,

you can help support the show and in return get an extended early commercial free edition of every episode wait you're saying it's longer and it's commercial free yeah man okay uh but i only listen to podcasts on my uh ethiopian zoom can i listen to the Patreon version on that? Yeah, sure. Yeah. No, when you sign up, you'll get an RSS feed. You can play on pretty much any podcast player. Plus, you'll get access to our Patreon page for surveys, feedback and special patron only posts. Hmm. No. Well, do you like free books? I love free books.

Well, depending on what level you pledge, you can either get an e-book or hard copy of Diatribes Volume 2, 50 more essays from a miscadening atheist for free. For free? For free. Okay. I'm pretty convinced. But just one last question. What if I want a commercial-free version of the show,

but I don't want to pay for it at all? Steal a patron's identity? it i'm dave dave the patron done he meant online he is a line confused hey kids have you checked out citation needed yet it's the groovy new podcast from the folks that brought you god-awful movies, Cognitive Dissonance, The Skeptocrat, and The Scathing Atheist, and it's available now. If you haven't already subscribed, here's a taste of what you're missing from our upcoming episode on the Watergate scandal. And to put this into a bit of context, let me rewind a bit and give some backstory on Richard Nixon. Oh, I know this.

What happened was someone whispered the word jowls in three times into a mirror at midnight. Jowls. Jowls. Jowls. Don't say it again. Don't do it. Doesn't Richard Nixon look like the fucking pig head in Lord of the Flies? I mean, it's fucking amazing.

They look at Nixon, and they look at Cox, and they say, fight your own battle. Well, kind of. So, wait a minute. Had that worked, it would have been a Cox fight. I'm just saying. Oh, nice. The defense would have been Cox blocking. Oh, nice, nice. It's like when people tell you that they're

not a racist. You know, it's like, only a racist would say that, nice. It's like when people tell you that they're not a racist. You know, it's like, only a racist would say that, Heath. Or whoever it is that I'm theoretically responding to in this non-specific example. How would you rank the top five racists then? Whatever, it doesn't matter. That's not the point. Don't bomb brown people we're not at war with. Racist. He's a great president.

And that is where Trump's got us, y'all. There is no way we're ever going to prove that he ever knew anything at any point. Blameless. I never said Israel. Never said Israel. You're supposed to not. He's epistemological Teflon.

He's knowledge Teflon. And they would not win another presidential election for four long years. Long memory. So subscribe to Citation Needed today or find out more at citationpod.com. Citation Needed. It'll make you come. Our last two Book of Mormon segments

have sadly not lent themselves to reenactment. And while I'll freely admit we were starting to fear that Ben Carson reading Isaiah was about to make up a quarter of our show's C segment this week, we finally have some story to go in the storybook. So with that said, we're pleased to reintroduce Mormon Peace Theater. Last time on Mormon Peace Theater. I'm Nephi. I'm the best.

Where's brothers? Brothers. We're bad, man. Don't kill me. Gonna. We'll kill the fuck out of you. Have you all read Isaiah? Yes.

No? Okay. Here we go. Boo. And now we rejoin our heroes 50 years later. Hi, I'm Jacob. My brother, Nephi, said I could do some plates, but he took all the good stuff,

so milk, eggs, butter. Seriously? You said I could! Fine, Jesus. Yeah, him too. Butter. Seriously? You said I could! Fine. Jesus. Yeah, him too. Jacob, I, Nephi, am dying. So make sure everyone doesn't go all shitfucker when I die, okay?

No problem, brother. Blech. Seriously, we don't even get to fucking kill this guy all this time? 800 times. Sin, sin, sin. Okay, everyone, listen up. I'm in charge now and God, well, God is real to you that you guys are all having multiple wives.

It's gross. Nobody do that. I guess if I could really centralize the message of what I'm trying to say here, it's that more than one wife is gross, asterisk. I'm sorry. Did you just end that with asterisk? If you guys don't cut it out, you're going to end up black. Jesus, dude. Wait.

Hold on a second. Wait. Are you Nephi? No. I'm someone else's now. Weren't you? That seems confusing. We have four cast members.

Okay. Weren't you? That seems confusing. We have four cast members. Okay, now that I have your attention, I'm going to describe all the fornication and sin stuff that you're not supposed to do. No handjobs, no blowings, no rusty trampolines, no kitten mutants, no Egyptian mangers, Okay, but then who am I? Am I still one of the brothers? No, I think the Lamanites

all turned black, so we're like the Nephites that are being yelled at but we're not the bad guys. Jesus, fuck. You need a goddamn map and a compass with this. Yeah, I don't know about it. No beating off the batons and no putting your boobs up someone's butt.

Oh, shit. He's done. These plates were made by Nephi. Okay, well, now I'm lost again. I hate this fucking book. Sorry, my arm got tired. Carving plates, hell of a thing. Let me tell ya.

Let me see them. Go fuck yourself. Okay, now I have a very important fable to tell each of you about salvation. It is the story of the olive tree. Long ago, there was a garden, and in this garden,

olives were grown, and the gardener was God. He was a good God. A little behind the times, aren't you? I know, but there's so much fucking good TV now. No, I'm the same way with video games. Have you seen Better Call Saul yet? So good.

Have you gotten around to Occupied? Occupied? No, I keep meaning to, though. I don't like subtitles. I can't do other stuff, you know? See, I don't get that. Who does other stuff while they watch TV? The 18th plant was also disobedient, so that branch was gone away. You don't do stuff while you watch TV like other stuff while they watch TV? You don't do stuff while you watch TV like other stuff?

No, I'm watching TV. Like multitasking? Multitasking. You're watching TV. Just pause the TV and then do your thing. Don't you want to know what's going on on the TV? Yeah, but sometimes I just have it on to fall asleep. You know what I'm talking about? I hear that's bad for you.

Is it? Yeah, you get less deep sleep. You know what I'm talking about? I hear that's bad for you. Again, these are all olive trees. We're discussing here. Yeah, you get less deep sleep. You get less deep sleep? Yeah, when I say it out loud, it sounds kind of like bullshit, but I swear I've read that somewhere. How would that affect the quality of your sleep? A whole lot of stuff with olives here.

Because there's noise? I don't know. I just say fuck it. And that's the story of the olive tree. Oh, that was a great story. That was a really good story you told. So saith the Lord. Oh, okay, one last thing.

You all better believe in Jesus. Who's Jesus? Oh, fuck, who am I talking to? You tell us. Bye-bye. Me again. You again what? Hey, everyone, listen to me.

Don't listen to him. Ooh, it's Shereem. That's Shereem. Damn it, Shereem, you and your fancy words. The devil and yourself have no place here. No, I believe you mean the devil and you. Ooh, mumble, mumble. Singular mumble.

Shereem. Tell me, Jacob, if you actually speak to God, Oh, mumble, mumble. Singular mumble. Shrimp. Tell me, Jacob, if you actually speak to God, why does he not give us a sign? Oh, you want a sign? Oh, no, I'm totes mcgoats dying, but before I die, I want to be clear, my greatest regret was being mean to Jacob and not believing him,

because everything he says is totally true. I'm a real person and this totally really happened. This is bad for this book. You shut up or you're next. And now at long last my book and my life is over. I bid you adieu. I'm sorry. Did you I bid you adieu. I'm sorry. Did you just bid us adieu?

Yeah, it's... French? It's French. No, no. You sure it's not French, the language that doesn't exist yet? And it clearly is part of... Okay, whatever, but you just wrote adieu in Egyptian. Peace out, Boy Scout. Yeah, bon voyage. See, whatever, but you just wrote adieu in Egyptian. Peace out, Boy Scout.

Yep. Bon voyage. See you later, alligator. You guys are jerks. And on that francophonic note, we'll wait another couple of weeks to find out which ancient Israelite will continue our story in Mormon Peace Theater. Tue.

Before we just give up and fake one tonight, I want to remind everybody one more time that we've got a new show for you to check out. The Citation Needed podcast combines the latest and greatest and dick joke technology with the hosts you know and love from this show and the ones you know and love considerably less from cognitive dissonance each week we pick a new interesting person event or invention and we see how many times we can make cecil edit us as we learn more about it again that citation needed now available on a podcast aggravator near you and i mean like really near you you can also learn more about the show at citationpod.com which you'll find linked on the show notes for this episode but download now because these mp3s are going fast anyway that's all the blasphemy we've

got for you tonight we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show the skeptic crowd debuting on monday at 7 a.m eastern as well as new episodes of our sister shows hot friends god-awful movies and the aforementioned citationitation Needed on Tuesday and Wednesday, respectively. Even we think there's too much of us now. Obviously, the outro music would just refuse to play

on general principle if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for the tireless hours he puts in on these shows, as well as the tireful hours that he puts in. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for keeping me sane in a world

that seems hell-bent on denying her that accomplishment. I want to thank Eli Bosnick for eventually conceding that the Secret Service would not have thought that was funny. I also want to thank Pittsburgh Atheist for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. In his defense, he sent me that back in October, so the events weren't as recent as the clip made it sound, but still, kudos, bro, and sorry I didn't listen to that clip seven months ago. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most fact-based philanthropist, Edward Alex, an atheist

duck, Skip, JT, Ivan, Easton, Sinjin, Ross, Son, Michael, Eric, Kyle, and Benjamin. I was running a little behind this week, so I asked Eli to whip up some clever compliments for me. Let's see how he did. Edward, Alex, and AtheistDuckSkip, and JT, who looks so good that when they look into a mirror, the mirror looks so good but backwards. Ivan, Easton, Sinjin, and Ross, Son, whose balls are so big they probably have elephantitis or something, unless some of those are lady names. And Michael, Eric, Kyle, and Benjamin, who put the jackal back in ejaculate.

The hell does that even mean? Okay, so Eli's not allowed to do the compliments anymore. Sorry, but together, these 13 people, waterfowls, and Egyptian deities help maintain podcasting's high standard for quality and dick jokes this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the altruism, munificence, or bold sense of personal style it takes to give us money. But if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode. Or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help but you're worried about what Eli would do with his share of your money, you can help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes or by telling

a friend about the show. And if you don't have any friends that would listen to an atheist show, maybe tell them about Citation Needed and we'll kind of ease them into this one slowly. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was also used with permission. If you have questions,

comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. The key is this joke was great. And everyone's gonna love it. Here we go. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.