The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 224: Jung and the Restless Edition

Episode Date: June 1, 2017

In this week’s episode, Ken Ham sucks dino penis, Tucker Carlson doesn't matter, and Muslims around the world will keep pretending they enjoy this holiday. For tickets to see God Awful Movies live, click here: https://scathingatheist.com/2017/05/01/god-awful-movies-world-tour/ To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Headlines: Tillerson declines to hold Ramadan event at state department: http://religionnews.com/2017/05/26/tillerson-declines-to-host-ramadan-event-at-state-department-sources-say/ Devos: Schools that discriminate against gay and black students should still get federal funding: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/24/betsy-devos-schools-rejecting-black-and-gay-students-should-still-get-federal-funding/ Pope presses Trump on Climatechange: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/05/24/world/europe/pope-trump-vatican-meet.html?_r=0 Muslim sues Little Caesars for misleading “halal” marking on pepperoni pizzas: https://www.usatoday.com/story/money/2017/05/26/muslim-man-sues-little-caesars-claiming-halal-label-pizza-lie/102192152/ Tucker Carlson’s god gets his ass handed to him by Dan Barker: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/26/tucker-carlson-didnt-like-atheist-dan-barker-denouncing-the-bibles-brutal-alpha-god/ Margaret Court is a bigot: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/28/australian-tennis-star-blasted-after-stating-bible-based-opposition-to-marriage-equality/ Lady Justice statue removed in Bangladesh over Muslim objections: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/lady-justice-statue-bangladesh-removed-islamist-objections and http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2017/05/28/bangladesh-reinstalls-statue-lady-justice-despite-complainst/ Ken Ham gets a doctorate: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/27/i-guess-well-have-to-call-him-dr-ken-ham-now/ Ken Ham makes love to dinosaur gayly in new novel: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/23/creationist-ken-ham-does-unspeakable-things-with-a-t-rex-in-this-erotic-novel/ This Week in Misogyny: Pro Surfer: Ladies and their periods cause most shark attacks: http://beachgrit.com/2017/05/laird-gals-periods-attracts-sharks/

Warning, the following podcast contains profanity. And honestly, at this point, you should kind of be suspicious of shows about current events that don't. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Blue Apron, a better way to cook. And by our Mike Pence in five words or less contest. Today's winner is at Nerd Gnostic, who bent the rules a little and got Trump and Pence in there together. At Nerdnostic had Q-tip before and after. Well played at Nerdnostic. And the game continues. Keep tweeting us your best five words or less about Mike Pence using the hashtag PenceScathe, and you could be the next winner. And now, Scathing Atheists.

next winner. And now, Scathing Atheists. Hi, this is Eric, Kathy's son. And as an avid consumer of skeptical and atheist podcasts, I've learned two very important life lessons. First, we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. Second, don't take glory hole advice from that noisy evil giraffe in a thunderstorm, with or without a K. It's Thursday. It's May 32nd And I've never met a Ramadanian I didn't like I'm Noah Lusions I'm Eli Bosnick I'm Heath Enright

And from New York, New York Secret Lair, Pennsylvania This is Skating Atheist On this week's episode Ken Ham sucks dino dick Tucker Carlson doesn't matter. And Muslims around the world will keep pretending they enjoy this holiday.

First, the diatribe. We won't believe it. I had the craziest dream the other night. They said and then proceeded to bore the shit out of you for 15 minutes you know how interesting my thoughts usually are well well wait until you hear them half remembered and unburdened by the filtration of logic it's the least promising opening to a conversation since would you like to have someone here with you before we go over the results and if they want to make it doubly unpleasant for their listener they'll wrap it up by asking what you think it all means. What do you think it means that you dreamt about it or that you thought I'd give a fuck?

I mean, healthy reticular formation activity that you were asleep. What the fuck kind of cerebral light do you expect me to shed on the unicorn in a fucking supermarket? in a fucking supermarket. But of course, most frustrating thing about this whole ordeal is that I will freely admit at one time, I was one of those ridiculous jackasses desperately searching for the secret decoder ring for my dreams. God, I wish I could slap the stupid out of my younger self. Now, eventually it occurred to me that the collective mind was a fucking idiot if its best idea for how to communicate with me was through some ambiguous, unconscious, nebulous rebus puzzle. But it took an embarrassingly long time. In fact, somehow there were steps in that process. I first rejected those books that offered up these one-to-one correlations, right?

The dream dictionaries where you'd look up whatever noun or verb you were dreaming about and it would tell you what that was a symbol of. But I guess the idea that a white cat meant the same thing in my dream as everyone else's dream seems sillier than the idea that a white cat in my dream meant anything at all. So I rejected those ones early. Of course, upon reflection, the real reason I rejected them first is because they offered specificity, right? It's like that with all the hippie, Wicicca neo-pagan pseudoscience bullshit anything that offers up concrete predictions or lend itself to direct testing had to get rejected pretty fucking quick it's it's like all other means of knowing that aren't science in that way but my justification at the time for why my dreams kept failing to impart

great wisdom on me was that i was trying to dissect them with too blunt a tool. So I went back to the bullshit store for better bullshit books and I dug up all the youngie and nonsense and I kept these elaborate dream journals, which were at least somewhat redacted in case my wife decided to read them. And whenever I woke up with a particularly vivid memory or whatever, I'd obsess over it all day, like a half remembered appointment. It's part of my life that I'd basically forgotten about until a couple of days ago when I woke up remembering a chunk of my dream where I let a black cat into my house. Now, I know I just told you about my dream, so according to my own standards, this is now a boring diatribe, and according to Eli's, I have to fuck you. But the point is,

that's exactly the kind of thing that would have had me pouring over the dream journal 20 years ago. You know, just chock full of paper thin, uninspired horror movie director symbolism, isn't it? Black cat in the house. I told my wife about it in the morning and we laughed about how meaningful that would have been to young stupid me. And then I started getting pissed off at young stupid me as I so often do. mean there i was prime learning age shit and what i chose to learn was less than nothing the time would have been better spent playing video games and keeping abreast with cultural references i would need in my 40s instead i obsessed over 18

kinds of stupid and the most fucked up thing is that in this case i even had an interesting question to start with right why did i dream about letting a black cat into my house is a really interesting question if you tackle it from a scientific perspective. I mean, the cat in the house don't factor into it much, but the why did I dream part of the question is a boundless well of fascinating. There are a ton of intriguing unanswered questions around sleep science, and we're not even 100% sure why we sleep. Why do we dream? why do we yawn why do some people walk in their sleep all kinds of awesome science that the very same question could have led me to but instead i pissed away my time trying to reach the end of a mystical

jogging track see we have a problem in the atheist movement and i say we to make you complicit in my failing where we tend to think of this stuff as the purview of the stupid. You know, I'm as guilty as anyone of dismissing claims of mysticism and religious experiences, the rantings of idiots, even though I myself was once one of those idiots. If podcasting had existed when I was 25, I'd still be apologizing for the show I did on how to teach yoga to your fish. I mean, we all know plenty of smart people who are devoutly religious or horribly mired in woo, right? And if you don't, I mean, many of the most admired intellects in our movement

spent plenty of their cognizant adult years buried under that bullshit. And let's be honest, what would it say about us if we were locked in a decades-long battle against a bunch of idiots and hadn't made much progress? And yet, from where we stand now, it seems like you'd have to be a Velcro-only level idiot to fall for the claims of homeopathy or Christianity or dream interpretation, even for those of us who once fell for it.

And I'll admit that it is a challenge for me to keep in mind that the idiot I'm railing against as often as not is me. And the fact that it's so hard is the reason it's so important. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are a couple of four podcast podcasters, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to remind me which one of the shows we're recording right now? The angry one? that's it i think they're all the angry one for no we need to limit it true true now speaking of which first

angry one blood pressure hasn't sufficiently subsided to move from the diatribe to the lead story just yet so we're going to pause for our quick work from this week's sponsor blue apron oh how about they pull no part of Well, they won't let you in if your pleats aren't properly ironed, but they make a great soy-based vegan faux snail. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That sounds delicious. I don't know. What do they have in terms of, like, grease?

A trap under the sink? Can't we just go to a normal place? By normal, do you mean a place that has crayons at the hostess stand yes that sounds delicious too no okay how about five guyas over on 51st street is that the place where they asked

if I wanted cruelty free soda it is it is that sounds delicious no what about that diner around the corner I mean it's right there that stuff looks like food most of the time are there going to be poor people there again guys guys come on I'm No, what about that diner around the corner? I mean, it's right there. That stuff looks like food most of the time. Are there going to be poor people there again? Guys, guys, come on.

I'm starving. We've been arguing about this for like 40 minutes. In less time than that, I could have made us a home-cooked, delicious meal from Blue Apron. But will those meals make polar bears cry? Not at all. Seems irrelevant. um not at all seems irrelevant blue apron has established partnerships with over 150 local farms fisheries and ranchers across the united states as a result seafood is sourced sustainably under standards developed in partnership with the monterey bay aquarium seafood watch beef chicken and pork come from responsibly raised animals, and produce is sourced from farms that practice regenerative farming.

Okay, but assuming I care only about taste. Upcoming meals include warm smoked trout and asparagus salad with fingerling potatoes and garlic croutons, spiced zucchini enchiladas with creamy lime and tomato rice, and peach honey glazed chicken with mashed sweet potatoes collard greens and thai basil sounds amazing right honey glazed you say i do say that sounds expensive and or inconvenient not at all eli incorrect blue apron costs less than ten dollars per person per meal way less than you'd spend going to a restaurant.

Plus, all the fresh pre-portioned ingredients are delivered straight to your door, so no need to worry about traffic or parking or any of that stuff. Plus, if you want to check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping, all you got to do is go to blueapron.com slash scathing. You guys will love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron. So don't wait. That's blueapron.com slash scathing. Blue Apron, a better way to cook. So what do you think, Eli? Delicious home-cooked meal tonight? Okay. Weiner probably would have spent the whole time telling us about Blue Apron anyway.

They always do. It's weird, right? And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, last Friday marked the start of the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, a time set aside to mark the joys and good fortunes of not being a Muslim. Every day is a joy not being a Muslim day. Isn't it though?

Yay! Now, this anti-holiday is recognized by fasting every day from sunup to sunset, a fast that includes water, by the way, praying even more than the already draconian prayer schedule demands, and reading the shittiest book that exists, or, even better, listening to kids do so out loud for a month. Because otherwise, Baron Harkonnen is going to get mad.

Moses month. Now, I just I don't just bring this up to elucidate a lot of the why would a Muslim be willing to blow themselves up questions that we've been asking ourselves of late. I mean, Salman Abidi did get out of a lot of malnourished quranic recitations but yeah exactly it's also newsworthy because of what won't be happening this year secretary of state rex tillerson and a move clearly designed as nothing but a go fuck yourself and your heathen faith to muslims has elected to break with almost two decades of tradition and not host an Eid al-Fitr reception at the State Department. All right. Well, as long as they don't cancel the atheist event during which nothing

happens and everyone just does their goddamn job, I think we should be fine. Every day is atheist event where nobody does anything and everyone just does their goddamn job. If they didn't do the other holidays, I'd okay with it now the tradition of america's top diplomats hosting an event for ramadan goes back 18 years and normally it features the secretary of state offering up a few words on the meaning of ramadan now as relieved as i am anytime i hear that a trump administration official has declined to offer up their thoughts on muslim traditions something good it's hard to see what the political calculation is when your administration is mired in accusations

of Islamophobia. Also, admissions thereof. Yeah. Auschwitz wasn't the way we were hoping to discourage circumcision. You know what I'm saying?

Yes, right. Jesus. The White House also traditionally hosts a Ramadan-related event of some sort. And as of the time of this recording,

the Trump administration is declining comment on whether or not they're going to continue with that tradition. I'm going to fly around on a magic carpet with Ivanka singing A Whole New World. No, no. Hard pass. Okay, what if we lure them all here as some sort of trap with the glue on the floor? No, no, either. No. No, either. No. But as tempting as it is to read this as a dismissal of Muslims, it's worth remembering that

clearly nobody there knew that they were supposed to do something for Easter until the night before either. So, you know. It's my favorite game, hateful or incompetent. A fun future game show people will play about this administration. This historical epic.

And in Black Lies Matter news tonight, newly appointed Secretary of Education and walking please spit in my food sign Betsy DeVosay is all about, we've been pronouncing it differently every show, so I'm just going to throw some wild ones out there, is all about

choice when it comes to education. Religious or secular education. Private or public schools. Miscegenated or otherwise. We should just give money to anyone, said the fiscal conservative. How the fuck did we get here? Oh, we thought

a lady could be president in a country that spent $49 million on Entourage 2. That's how we got here. Don't blame this on Vinny Chase and his fascinating crew. You don't know. I will never forgive you for knowing those names. It's a good show.

It's only one. And movie. And there was not a two yet. So while answering questions before a House Appropriations Committee about her voucher program, or as we like to call it here on The Scathing Atheist, Trading Education for Nonsense program, Democratic Representative

Catherine Clark brought up Lighthouse Christian Academy, which our listeners might remember for receiving $665,000 in school vouchers while forbidding students from being gay or having gay parents. Yeah. So how does that work? Like lesbian moms just show up at school yeah we stopped being gay both loving the cock now good good here's your corporate welfare check assholes oh yeah would you bring to the potluck barbecue yeah nice track get the fuck out of here barbecue's a lesbian food right like i was trying, like, pussy is the joke, but what do they, you want to convey?

Quinoa? Anyway, Representative Clark, in what would be a lob for any non-crazy person, asked if such discriminatory schools would be eligible for benefits under a voucher program, to which DeVos responded, quote, For states who have programs that allow for parents to make choices, they set up rules around that, end quote. So one, no, no, they don't. Nope. Two, good general rule. If someone's ever talking about a choice a state should be allowed to make where there's a Waffle House in that state, it's a bad choice. Always a bad choice. Always a bad choice.

By the way, if you think that hyperbolic, I want to point out that if you only counted the non-Waffle House states, Hillary wins the Electoral College 158 to 63. But here's what happened in that exchange. What about Thing X, which exists and is happening and I am presently citing?

Oh, I'm sure that never happened. Pretty sure they have rules about that, don't know rules they have okay so in what i assume was a desperate attempt for her to get one right the secretary of education was then asked if schools could also discriminate against african-american students while receiving federal fundings and And this is how Tevos responded. Quote, the bottom line is... Too slow. Too slow. We were looking for no. It's a one-syllable answer.

We have a one-syllable answer. And to the Schmenderlings want to steal. Code continues. We believe that parents are the best equipped to make choices for their children, schooling and education decisions. And too many children today are trapped in schools that don't work for them. I assume, this is me now,

I assume she means schools that have blacks in them, right? That's what that means? All right, continuing. We have to do something different. States and local communities are best equipped to make these decisions. End quote. Not adding, except for the time a bunch of states decided they didn't want to be part of america anymore that was bad and the election also bad but other than that they nail it again what she's saying is i believe that the the the lady leaning

against the dr k machine at walmart waiting for a motorized cart to open up so she could re-up her supply of pre-buttered toaster pancakes is better suited to make these decisions than the collective intellectual heft of America's top educational professionals. I mean, whoever heard of a racist parent, am I right? I mean, they're not going to. Yeah. And while we're on the subject of vouchers, shouldn't atheists be getting government checks for all the untaxed magical buildings we're not using?

Don't we get? There's only three of us when you ask, really? So, $700 trillion divided by me, Matt Dillahunty, and Noah is, yeah, no, it's good. It's a good idea. I like it. I guess what we can learn from this story is that there are two

states that matter. When you leave things to us, everyone gets roads, schools, and healthcare. And when we leave things to the other states, you get monster trucks. That's what I really take away. You learn weird things from Eli's headlines. It's a weird lesson. And in people who live in glass houses news tonight, Pope Francis' sister wives garnered some positive international press last week by being visibly disquieted by the

immediate proximity of Donald Trump proving beyond any reasonable doubt that even a Jamaican octopus couldn't squeeze its way under the bar this asshole gets measured by. I have a tentacles man. Is that your Jamaican octopus? That is my Jamaican octopus.

That did not sound at all like an octopus. Bob Calamari. Bob Calamari. Oh, nice. Well done. Bob Calamari. I don't get that joke, but the octopus is going to stay in the whole universe. So let's go back to the Pope here for a second.

Who the fuck wouldn't look nauseated with Donald Trump at their right hand? Right? Like, ooh, he touched a person even though that person was deformed what a pope okay to be fair he could have just been nervous he's fragile wearing a dress he knows the score all right so first of all if you saw the pictures online of the pope looking like a dejected preteen being drugged to a bingo hall yeah he you could almost see his thought bubbles. He's like, yeah, this is why I'm against fucking with stem cells.

But I want to point out that one could just as easily have cherry picked a couple of photos where the Pope seems super stoked to be there. Yes, he wore a grumpy, dour face a few times, but it's not even clear that that was intentional. Could have been gas. So it's a long ways from praiseworthy. What is praiseworthy, though, and also dejected pre-teen like is the fact that the Pope presented Trump

with some stuff that he wrote that he'd like Trump to read specifically his encyclical on climate change no poetry but TLDR stop destroying the earth and we'll run out of kids to fuck I don't like it when they come sweaty I like it when they're not sweaty you gotta use a koozie

okay no we're moving. It keeps the temperature. It doesn't sweat. That is their word. Might be a good sponsor there. And in halal kinda news tonight, devout Muslim Mohammed Bazi is suing Little Caesar's Pizza this week after he says he was served and accidentally ate pepperoni made with pork. You know, I'd say as opposed to pepperoni made of

what? Yeah. But you'd probably have some weird vegan answer that'd make me want to stop eating, so I'll refrain. I'm just saying hemp pepperoni, delicious. Is it? Nope. Literally nothing. Nothing vegans make. Did you run a compost pile through a sausage maker?

I did. I did. Would you like some? Nope. Yep. So, according to the complaint, Bozzy ordered halal pizza twice from the Dearborn, Michigan shop. The boxes were labeled halal, but the pies were topped with regular pepperoni. Because, hey,

when you combine the already famous multiculturalism of michigan with the world traveling reputational little caesars expect respect for commands from a schizophrenic pedophile am i right who's with me center of the universe all right but what the fuck is halal pepperoni right what are they talking about like you open your door the delivery guy's bleeding out a lamb on your stoop that just sliced his neck. See? Holy.

We had complaints. We fixed it. This is for real. Now, I want to admit, as someone with self-imposed dietary restrictions, I am sympathetic. Last week, I watched you order cheese-flavored water. Like I said, sympathetic. Yeah. It's why I'm stirring my baristas.

I make sure to snap my fingers in their face if I feel their attention is wandering. I use first names quite a bit. But the amount Mr. Bozzy is suing for makes even me a little suspicious. Uh, how much is he suing for? That would be $100 million. Oh, Jesus.

Because nothing heals the threat of eternal hellfire like a private jet. Am I right? It really takes this thing out. Well, I'm torn, though, because I feel like anyone who had to eat Little Caesars is entitled to that.

Sure, but then so is everyone that's been stoned in my hometown. I'm just saying. Meanwhile, the LC has issued a statement saying they believe the claim is without merit, and our own legal counsel, P. Andrew Torres, has added, quote, Eli, this is my home phone.

You can't call me about stuff like this at 3 a.m. I'll speak to you in the morning. No, I won't say I love you, too, because I don't. No, I don't. End quote. Either either way hurtful i wasn't sure about sharing that being vulnerable like that on the air but i like to share my pain either way if this goes through you're damn right i'm gonna start a church of veganism and start being a lot less specific at

starbucks yeah 10 million dollars i'll become a fucking Muslim. Plus, you already have plenty of crotch skin problems. You got a head start. And in good news tonight, the Freedom From Religion Foundation recently reminded an elementary school in Tennessee about the very top part of the Bill of Rights. To whom it may concern. You're close.

Dear King James. bill of rights uh and who it may concern you're close dear king james and uh how it means that public schools are not allowed to have teacher-led bible clubs and in a shockingly reasonable response the school decided to stop breaking the law huh in related news stephen baldwin tried to stop being a weird squinty In related news, Stephen Baldwin tried to stop being a weird, squinty fuck and open his eyes long enough to make another terrible movie. And we are rooting hard for him. He used to be a usual suspect.

You guys think if he sneezed, he'd die? Yes. I do. I thought that before. So, story gets even better. Stephen Baldwin sneezed and died not that great but in response to the news about this school uh anti-semitic bad guy from every prep school movie tucker carlson got all angry which was fun uh quick refresher he's the guy

who came in last place during the fall 2006 season of Dancing with the Stars. That was the pinnacle of his career. Well, now he has a show on Fox News and decided to vent his frustration about atheists by doing an interview with Dan Barker of the FFRF. During which Carlson did about exactly as well as he did on The Dancing Show. I want Dan Barker to just show up at the interview with a boom box sets it on the desk what you got tucker yeah real tough take on the guy who tried to shoot a flare gun to win a conversation with the editor of teen vogue hope dan made it out okay all right so i'll try to boil down the

interview to its essence uh basically carlson says, so why did you personally, Dan Barker, show up at an elementary school with an atheist mob and start slapping Bibles out of the hands of innocent six-year-olds and then brand them the mark of the beast on their hand with a red hot poker? And Dan Barker says, yeah, I can see how you got confused because what I'm about to describe is very similar. But we actually just sent a letter and actually that's it. We sent a piece of paper to the school. How are you still on TV? Bill O'Reilly raped people.

Social change is scary and appealing to angry racists is always a good investment. I'm nailing these today. No, I think yours was way more accurate. Unfortunately, this did not destroy all of Christianity like we planned but it's definitely a nice big step in the right direction

refreshing it's still there go ahead but I think it's safe to say that this town here won't be able to teach the bible to their kids anymore unless of course they manage to find some sort of private venue that would house the worship. But good luck finding that in Tennessee. I don't see it happening. And speaking of Tennessee, we need a minute to celebrate the fact that we're not there.

So we're going to pause for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate rave, cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud what she wants. If it's a legitimate rape. Then it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. You know, some weeks this job is a real bummer. I report serious tragedy over and over. And more often than not, the pattern that emerges is that progress is slow

and that it takes a world of suffering for things to get better. And this is not one of those weeks. Because this week I got a rare treat, misogyny that was, by the standards of what I deal with, pretty much harmless and also hilariously stupid. So this comes to us from pro surfer and patron saint of Deadbeat Dads, Laird Hamilton, who explained to TMZ last week that the number one cause of shark attacks was oh I hope I paused long enough for you to figure it out on your own women on their period I shit you not listen to this quote the most common reason to be bitten is a woman on her period

which people don't you know they don't even think about that uh obviously if a woman has her period then there's a certain amount of blood in the water. End quote. Okay, first of all, Jesus, I love this so much. If you get a chance to watch the clip, it's so heartfelt. Second of all,

no, that's not the most common reason to be bitten by a shark. No, that does not play a significant role in shark attacks. I mean, for fuck's sakes, 94% of all shark attack victims are men. Now, granted, that's probably because 94% of the people doing dumb shit that gets the attention of sharks are men, but I think that's plenty of a reason to rule out period cuties as a leading

cause. But here's the more pressing question. How much blood exactly does Laird think ends up in the water? Like, three wishes right now. I really want him to give me his estimate to the closest Gatorade container. And now that I have you involuntarily picturing a Gatorade container filled with menstrual blood, ick, I'll turn you back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli.

Thank you, Lucinda. And in frown-under news tonight, Australia doesn't have much to be proud of. Back to you, Noah. Do your story, dude. Okay. Australia doesn't have much to be proud of.

Come see us at Skepticon in Sydney, everybody, please. Or don't. I don't care. Are you just sabotaging our show now? You used to be subtle. Was I? Was he? Were you? Okay.

You used to be subtle. Was I? Was he? Were you? Okay. But one of their great exports was female tennis players, specifically Margaret Court, number one on and off ranked female player throughout the 60s and 70s. However, Margaret, like all things we enjoyed during the 60s and 70s, turns out to totally suck.

Let's see. Free love, psychedelic music, long hair. Yeah. Checks out. Whatever. Fucking quarter clockers were awesome. What's see. Free love, psychedelic music, long hair. Yeah. Checks out. Whatever. Fucking quarter clockers were awesome. What's in this egg?

Could be anything. Probably a plastic spider ring, but it could be something cool. Could be a slave. You're picturing Calvin Candy playing Bakugan.

Me too. Me too. Spinges. Pogs. You see the shape of this slam up. No, as the battle for marriage equality in Australia ranges, Marge has thrown her head in the ring on the losing side. Apparently, she's hoping Australia will be the last holdout for edible food and gays making it legal. I hear the food there is lovely

and that no one should spin in it. Eli, quit pissing off the fucking Australians. The shoes there are poisonous. I plan to spend the entire time wrapped in plastic and bullets. Watch, Noah still gets harassed at airport security. You go right back. Guaranteed.

Right through this way, sir. Slow down there, sake, would you? Publishing an open letter to Qantas Australia's only airline fun fact consisting of only one plane court expressed her dismay at their open support for gay rights saying quote is you will know and I have represented Australia many times and have the proud record of never losing a tennis match while playing for my country. I bet I could kick the shit out of her now, though. She's old, right?

How bad do you get at tennis? Is it like golf or football? Yes. You'll lose. It's like both. It's like all the sports. You'd also lose at golf and football to her. Alright, fair. She continues, I am disappointed that Quintus has become an active promoter

for same-sex marriage. I believe in marriage between a man and a woman. You're standing in the Bible. Your statement leaves me no option but to use other headlines where possible for my extensive trailing. How proud I was to premiere

the kangaroo tale for the world from the constellation days to the 380s. But unfortunately, no more. That whole sentence is nonsense. That is word for word. I know I did my accent there, but that is what she said.

We got this. Constellation days. She's a space traveler from the like From the late 4th century that has a Nope. No more. Don't go. Now, obviously

court statements have caused as much outrage as it's possible for someone with white skin to do in Australia and the blowback for court and support for Qantas has been very public, which is why we would like to announce we'll be flying Qantas in solidarity when we arrive at Skepticon in November. Eli, I actually found a cheaper flight. Or whichever airline is cheaper.

God save the queen or something. I don't know. No, you saved it at the end. Do they have a queen now? And in Statue of Limitations news tonight, we have the story of a disturbing protest about a statue removal that does not involve tiki torches. This one comes to us from Bangladesh,

where a statue of Lady Justice was recently removed from that nation's Supreme Court building because Muslims found the statue offensive. Now, as offended as they typically are by both ladies and justice, their objection here was that having a statue outside of the Supreme Court building at all represented idol worship. I feel like they didn't even wall the statue up inside her house

to see if she could escape first. There are rules about this kind of thing. You guys picturing Lady Justice rimming her mom's butthole? Me too. Always. Now, the statue, which is basically the Western version of lady justice but in a pantsuit with coattails was removed under the cover of darkness like they do in backwards countries like bangladesh and louisiana uh and the statue sculptor renal hake i i don't fucking know anyway uh the statue

sculptor called the removal an injustice and after pausing to ensure that everyone did indeed see what he did there he called the removal a quote slap in the face of the progressive people in this country end quote they should put it next to the brave girl statue on wall street and then next to that they could put a mansplainer statue telling brave girl not to stand up because look how bad the other statue has it. All right. All right. You done? On my birthday. Oh, Jesus. Spent a little time alone with your thoughts this week? How's that going? Sure did, Heath.

Sure did. I can hear my heartbeat. I can always hear it. You wash a couple dishes right after you use them? Right after I use them. Just make a dish. Use a dish. Consider taking clean knife, putting it through eyeball

to end vicious cycle. Because then there aren't any more dishes. And you don't think that the first time, but you think it the fourth time, Ethan. You think it the fourth time. Okay, but did anyone send you any thoughtful gifts, though? Pants rapist.

We won't talk about it. You guys are having... That's the important thing, though, No. You guys are having fun. That's the important thing though is that you guys are having fun. I sent you some delightful penguin themed gifts. Hostage notes. Some very nice socks. Some nice walking socks.

A gentleman walked up my stairs and handled them to me sarcastically. Now if you'll recall I I was discussing his statue, and apparently Haig wasn't the only person who saw this as an affront to progressive people. He was joined in this critique by Bangladesh's progressive people. And as a concession, the statue was re-erected in a less prominent place.

Bangladeshi authorities added, quote, Hey, we got a mention on scathing atheists without anybody being hacked out of the machete. What more do you want from us end quote i feel like we need to stop rewarding that behavior right like that's my feedback isn't that what we and finally tonight the jurassic pork file amish wolverine ken ham made headlines twice this week once for getting a doctoral degree in science and once for having gay sex with a dinosaur okay and i'm honestly not sure which is more ridiculous on the one hand he's just like a dumb person he's he's stupid and he couldn't possibly have earned an advanced degree in science on the other hand it seems like he'd go out of his way

to fuck a lady dinosaur, even if he found the male ones more attractive. Obviously, both of these things need a little more explanation. Where do you guys want to start? That's a tough question. I care more about American higher education than dinosaurs, so I'm a little more concerned with how he managed to fuck that. And I am eager to disprove all of science, and I hear this does the trick, so let's hear it. All right.

Great pick. Did you guys pick a pick? Whatever. We're going to go with what I was thinking. It's scripted, Heath. You saw what we wrote down. No, it's not. This is all off the cuff.

I didn't know what you were going to say. And great pick, the one you made. So as you might have already guessed, the college degree he got was an honorary doctorate, much like the ones David Barton puts on his wall behind the blur filter so it's not like ken ham actually did any learning and uh even if he had like gone to class we're talking about brian college of tennessee oh well fuck y'all yes yeah That's where the faculty members all signed a statement that says all humanity is descended from Adam and Eve.

Yeah. Every single faculty member. Also worth noting, the degree wasn't in any like particular field of science. It just says science. No. He has a doctorate in science. Sociology. They don't even know what the degrees are called.

Nope. Well, here's Dr. Beauregard. He got himself a BDV in antimony. And over here, we got Dr. Haywood. He got himself a pH balance in biography. Ken, can you name a science? Toast. All right, so moving on to the obvious gimmick story

we're using to set up our 30 seconds on the clock thing. Ken Ham having gay sex with a Tyrannosaurus. All right. And it happened inside a recently published erotic novel about Ham's struggle to maintain his place as a leader in the Christian bigot community by suppressing his love of cock, which apparently includes dinosaur cock. Very different thing, by the way. Thank you.

No, no. Clarification. So obviously, if you're into gay erotic fiction about people and great lizards, and who isn't, I highly recommend the book. It's called Ken Ham and a Seidel Man by Justin Beavers. And there needs to be more of this in the world. That's why we're going to put 30 seconds on the clock. Ideas for erotic fiction about people fucking animals on Noah's Ark. Go. All right, I know you've already done this one, but just for the future,

it's no fair choosing something that Eli has bookmarked on Pornhub Pro, but okay. Men in black stallions. Now they'll never go back. The snake charmer. Don Quixote. Assman of La Mancha. There we go. White lambs on black rams.

Oedipus T-Rex. Farewell to arms. I like that one. Tiny little dragon arms. No pussies will be grabbed. How about... Oh, I got a good one. Charlotte's webcast.

Forget the lady that swallowed the spider. It's time for the lady spider that swallows. I would absolutely watch that. At the end, she bites off Ken Ham's time for the lady spider that swallows. I would absolutely watch that. At the end, she bites off Ken Ham's head and shits eggs down his corpse. You bet your ass you'd watch that. Better now. Dad on daughter, animal slaughter. It's a snuff film.

No, but it ties it all in. With spoilers. All right. How about Fifty Shades of Greyhound? Two girls, one pup. We had to wind up there eventually didn't we and now that the fat lady's gargled i suppose we can close out the headlines for the night heath eli thanks as always white delivery guys make me uncomfortable it's not it's not because i like black delivery guys or other races of delivery guys. Right?

And before I have to answer that, we're going to take a quick break. And when we come back, we're going to try to prove that we're cooler than people who can't buy gender and sing songs about how fun it is to wait for marriage. Eli writes things in the spot where I was going to say other things, just to be clear. I'm just saying it's weird. You're like, what are you writing for Vice? This isn't an us job. And then when you were like, I'll see your presence and add seven nights, I was like, whoa. I know, but yours is still better.

Yeah, it is was like, whoa. I know, but yours is still better. Yeah. Yeah, it is. It's better. Hey, guys. Oh, hey. It's a new kid. Hey, Judaism. Hey, Christianity. Hey, Islam. Hey, new kid. What you doing?

Talking about how awesome our holidays are. Bet yours are lame, though. No, not at all. My holiest celebration is 30 days long. Well, sometimes 29, but it's about the moon. Well, that actually sounds pretty cool. How do you celebrate it? By not eating or drinking or smoking or taking drugs or having sex or masturbating. You got to sit at a different table.

But this is the Abrahamic table. I'm Abrahamic. Yeah, so is Mormonism. But you don't see him hanging out with us. Again, it's not happening. Hey, guys, did you know that there are hundreds of passages from the Bible? Shut up, Mormonism. Nobody likes you.

Yeah, Bryce, nobody likes you. I don't know why I keep saying yes when you ask me to be on the show. I up, Mormonism. Nobody likes you. Yeah, Bryce, nobody likes you. I don't know why I keep saying yes when you ask me to be on the show. I don't even know why I do podcasts. Because you're stupid as your name? But I wanna... You're not cool enough, Islam. Just go away. Aww. Yeah, go sit with Bryce.

You see this, kids? This is why you don't want to be a Muslim. Because you like that dorky kid who everyone held down and pissed on for not having a cool enough trapper keeper or whatever these kids have right now where the poor one isn't cool. So you pee on him. This message paid for by the committee to reelect Donald Trump.

I'm going to pee on Bryce Breakerleg. Every week I get an email or two from people who found some online list of 10 questions atheists can't answer or something like that along with a request to please rip it the new asshole it deserves now to be honest we tend to shy away from stuff like that because the questions are always the same bullshit apologetics that we've covered a half dozen times at least on the show and it gets repetitive pretty quick plus you gotta wait for them to call in it's the whole thing i don't get it but i learned this week that if the author of such a piece manages to frame it in a stupid enough way i apparently can't resist debate so i get several emails over the past week alerting me to a blog in the national catholic register by one matthew archbold whose title promises to prove that atheism is quote the uncoolest choice ever

end quote uncoolest uncool christianity's death and atheism's whack and that's the whole fucking article probably was sitting backwards in a chair when he wrote it so who is Matthew Archbold and what makes him an authority on coolness well unfortunately this isn't a visual medium it would be worth switching to a visual medium just so the punchline of this joke could be a picture of this paragon of dorkery but I suppose we're gonna have to settle for painting a picture with words so Heath eli how would you best describe the physical appearance of matthew archbold no one put a picture in i did yeah uh he looks like andy wilson got poisoned by eli's neck beard

looks like bee allergy heath he's a very attractive man is what we're saying saying i don't think that's what we were saying all right so as is the case with any good philosophical treatise archbold presents his argument in the form of a click baity eight point list each point outlining another reason that atheism is uncool and i figured hey who knows cool better than an overweight balding Jew in the econ major that lives in my attic also poli-sci and you live in my basement which is

on the main floor because I'm classy with your wife gay who has a wife right so dishes are done I thought maybe and perhaps I was being overconfident, but I thought maybe we could go through his points in an effort to regain atheism street cred. So what do you guys think?

I am incredibly hip. You okay? I think I sprained my mouth. Sounds like you got my mouth sounds like you got hurt sounds like you got hurt all right here we go uh and before i quote any of this i just want to warn everybody that this sloppy bastard writes in a style that can only be described as dad joke so number eight religious people live longer happier lives okay one more time for the people in the back. This is not true. Churchgoers live longer than non-churchgoers, just like atheists who attend weekly groups live longer than atheists who don't, right? Because you stop going to church when you're too sick to get there.

As to happiness, well, the elevator operators in brave new world seem to love their fucking jobs okay they did right and even if this were true you live longer to go to church well right right if i have five less years but a seventh of the mornings aren't spent in church i feel like i'm coming out Don't I come out whole extra years of no butt stuff. Alright, well okay, now you're making it confusing. I just want to point out, if this fat fuck

makes it to 50, I will eat the weight of his heart in leather. Yeah. Lecture us more, man whose face I think I could get several pounds of deli slice out of. I feel like this guy could do that to himself with no slicer just like tuck his chin back start chewing the other ones that like fill in the area this elevator's taking forever

is that your cheek one of them and man when eli can talk shit about your actuarial projections you know shit's gotten bad my doctor says my rectum and heart are the same size at this point yeah well we all know the best way to eli's heart is through his mouth or rectum either way all right moving right along number seven michelangelo and bach were cooler than harry potter that's right what could be cooler than renaissance paintings and baroque fugues well i mean wizard schools since you bought it off for example i'm just trying to think of a less cool person to name than Bach.

Right? Bach would have gotten beat up and shoved into a locker at Comic-Con. I made this fugue. Nerd, punch, wedgie. Like, you picked the criteria of cool, Matthew. Right. I mean, if it's not similarity of your hairdo to an ass or the proliferance of memorable subjects for polyphonic contrapuntal compositions like that, those are literally the only possible categories you could be judging by that Bach would win. Yeah. And he had to make up the second all the words in that second one.

The polyphonic patrantic caliente. That joke was for Anna. patrantic caliente that joke was for anna now if only there were some atheist musicians out there that were universally recognized as the arbiters of cool that could weigh in this guy might as well crawl out of the article put on a backwards hat start rapping during a dare assembly at a middle ridiculous all right number six. And this one's pictorial, right? It says, typical atheist gathering. And it shows five people with picket signs

versus World Youth Day. And like a bunch of overdressed kids at a concert. Is that Jimi Hendrix at Woodstock with one of the newsboys photoshopped in? That's clear. No, no. Why didn't she just use the black guy though? The what? Okay. shopped in that's clear no no why didn't she just use the black guy the what okay i mean he's got us here he's got us seriously guys we need to start leaving copies of end of faith at like crunch

or something all right all right no i just feel like i got a couple of pics from reason con that could compete with 14 year old girls yelling uh, though, I think you're confusing everyone. The point you're making is not clear. Why are they yelling? I have followed. Yeah, I mean. All right, like, to be fair, couldn't we also just submit a picture from any non-religious thing, though?

Like, hey, here's a picture of the Giants game on Sunday morning. This is what a non-religious gathering looks like. I mean, really? Because I feel like Giants fans are doing a lot more praying than churchgoers. Does that joke work? Are they good at their sport? Soccer? Is that their soccer ones?

Ooh, Europe. Nope. Nope. Okay, number five. Mets. They're bad. Aren't the Mets bad it was my example you can't change it now anyway number five

atheists are mass murderers and he's got us again yeah right okay but look if I ever resort to mass murder Matthew Archbold needs to take at least a little bit of the blame for making me suffer through this fucking article or parking in your spot.

With that. From the piece. It looks just like. He does. He really does. From the piece. Quote. Most of your big time mass killers of the 20th century were atheists.

I'm talking Stalin, Maoo and che among others those are the ones you're talking about close were there any other mass killers in the 20th just like i'm ahead and did any popes collude with them look two of the 20 most murderous regimes of the 20th century were led by atheists one of whom claimed himself as a man-god, and the other one was pretty sure that was just a given. Right. Pretty sure we all agreed we were going to stack up all the bodies on either side of a scale, and whatever side

was heavier had to admit unrelated claims were true? Or less cool? Is that the claim? Yeah, exactly. Genocide isn't cool? I agree with that precept. Hey, who put all these rape kids on the stack?

This doesn't matter to God. This is serious. We're doing science. I'm labeling you a rape manipulator. All right, we're halfway through. Number four, also pictorial. It says, this is an extreme Christian. And it shows a picture of Mother Teresa. Extreme. Vers says, this is an extreme Christian. And he shows a picture of Mother Teresa.

Extreme. Versus, this is an extreme atheist. And he shows an unflattering pic of Richard Dawkins. What a terrible admission that there really is no better human being you could have picked for the extreme Christian picture. You've got a lady who tortured the poor like she was starring in Eli's elitist porn. By the way, it's a video mashup of cops and roots. It's very...

It's cops. It's cops then, is what it is. That's just called cops. But also, the worst they could come up with for us was a former professor at Oxford who won a Royal Society of Literature Award, but was angry at the time that picture was taken. Okay, but when we're talking about extreme here, like, who wouldn't want to watch a XXXIII Return of Xander Cage remake starring Mother Teresa and Richard Dawkins?

Come on! Or a season of Cops. Only if it's post-stroke. No, what happens was, oh boy. What happens was, I don't have a bag. I'm going to reach very slowly. And then I try to drive away. I know.

You've got me, gentlemen. Number three. Too old for this shit. Too old for this shit. All right. Now that we know that Richie isn't coming on number three christians we already knew he wasn't yeah that's true that's true christians get all the pussy quote as a christian my wife looks at me like i'm a gift from god she sure doesn't maddie boy

is she probably looking at anybody who could get on top as a gift from God at this point. I'm sorry, get on top? What now? You mean when they don't want to? That's bad, Noah. We're not those atheists. We're the good ones. Your atheist girlfriend, should you ever get one after you move out of your stepdad's basement?

Oh, shots fired, shots fired hold on though jokes on him it's a loft i'm not his stepdad hey he says um when you find your girlfriend she will see you as a gel-haired accident in skinny jeans. Shots fired, Andrew. Wait, there's more. On a lonely rock orbiting a meaningless sun in a mistake of a universe. Shots fired, the thoughts in Eli's head. End quote. My wife, my look

at me is a mistake, but I'm sure it's not the meaningless circle around the sun. It's just like how much hotter she turned out than me. They make those all the time. Turned out is a weird way to say that. I feel like my wife

is just happy I'm not shaped like a plastic pantyhose container and I'm capable of a dig more clever than I bet your housing options are negatively affected by the decline in skilled labor jobs in rural America. You dork. Okay. So my wife has half the reasons of your wife.

I don't like phone calls. I don't like phone calls. Number two, a lot of college professors are atheists and what a bunch of dorks. Am I right? Atheist professors. Now, like all the points he's made, this is too stupid to refute, but I find it interesting

that as he's making this point, he tips the who am I writing for hand with a couple of random digs here on diversity awareness and gender studies just out of nowhere. Hey, you know where this article should get published? I know where it could get published. DisneyCrowsAreCool.com

Oh, I'm on a YouTube. Alright, so after reading his attempts at humor and reasoning, I don't think that we needed any more validation that Matthew Archibald thinks knowing things and being smart is dumb, but it was nice for him to go ahead and confirm it in this Lester Holt interview of a penultimate point.

That means second to last, Matthew, if you're listening. All right. You're about to put down your pen. There you go. Number one, atheists have less children, which probably means we're not fucking as much. Yeah, right. Right. Exactly.

That's how the fuck. Okay. Shmoosh motion. But stuff. Gay stuff. Contraceptives, gerbils. Dude, if you think children are a gauge of how much fucking a person does, I'd love to hear you take a guess as to which parts of the body are involved. Hand, turkey baster, pass, I pass. Toast, toast.

Toast. Also, this isn't true. No! Those are our things. We have more sex and more money. That's our thing. Sex and money. Sometimes, sex with money. You said you would not tell.

It was a Patreon goal. How's he not gonna tell? Make it rain. Also, if not fucking makes you uncool, what's the deal with that neck-ed loser on the cross bro yeah just forgive them father it's about ethics and gaming journalism oh jesus you were talking about that's the guy yeah yeah all right look maddie lice little piece of advice from an actual cool person we've got got the sex, the drugs, and the rock and roll. You got a youth pastor with a mullet, a $200 acoustic guitar, and an unshakable belief that hip is making a comeback. There may be valid arguments you can make for your religion, but this ain't one of them, buddy.

When it comes to defending Christianity, coolness, like logic and reason, are always going to be losing arguments for you. Before we hit the checkout line tonight, I want to remind you that Godawful Movies is taken to the road for a series of live shows around the country. We're going to be in New York, Seattle, Austin, Salt Lake City, and Sydney, Australia this year. And if you'd like to join us, you can find dates and links to buy tickets on the show notes or at skatingatheist.com. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a

brand new episode of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Tuesday, and a brand new episode of our sister show's Hot Friend's Hot Cousin from Out of Town, Citation Needed, debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. And if even that's too long to wait, you're kind of fucked. We're doing all we can guys. Seriously.

Obviously this would only be most of a show if I didn't thank Heath Enright for bringing only grade a dick jokes and for bothering to have them scored by the U S dick joke rating administration. He takes pride in his work. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda illusions for earning the sin in the middle of her name. The fun way. I want to thank the lovely in his own way.

Eli Bosnick for managing to feed and wash himself sufficiently to fulfill his duties this week, despite his wife's absence. Anna, Eli cannot be trusted around Eli. Just keep that in mind when you're planning travel. I also need to thank Eric for this week's matrilineal multi-tagline crossover Farnsworth quote. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's best people, Adam, Sarah, Genevieve, Eric, Bryce, Other Adam, Jesus, Ain't My Farrah, Jesse, James, Jody, Kyle, Juno,

Three, Steve, Che, Sherry, Chad, Jacob, Mark, Greg, Jeremy, Frank, and Les. Adam, Sarah, Genevieve, Eric, Bryce, Other Adam, and Jesus Ain't My Ferret, who are so badass Tetris knows better than to make them wait for the long piece. Jesse, James, Jody, Kyle, Juno, Three, Steve, Che, and Sherry, who are so bright you're not supposed to look

at them through a telescope, and Chad, Jacob, Mark, Greg, Jeremy, Frank, and Les, who've been asked to split up their east and west-facing ejaculations so as not to fuck up the Earth's procession. Together, these 21 one-of-a-kind wonders won our affection one by one by wondering how one can one-up one's wondrousness and deciding it was by giving us money. Not everybody has the temerity, dexterity, and love for vulgarity it takes to give us money,

but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad free edition of every episode. Or you can make a one time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you already gave at the office or something, you can also help a ton by leaving us a five star review on iTunes or Stitcher. Or if you've already done that, maybe leaving one for our newest production, Citation Needed. Could use some. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer, S. Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used

in this episode, which was also used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scanningatheist.com. All right. Somebody fuck something up so we have something for an outtake. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC.

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