The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 225: R2 Deacon Edition

Episode Date: June 8, 2017

In this week’s episode, Donald Trump uses The Handmaid’s Tale as a platform template, Ken Ham sends out a "Mocking Ken Ham" template, and we read the Mormon equivalent of “skip ahead, skip ahead.” To get tickets to see God Awful Movies Live, click here: https://scathingatheist.com/2017/05/01/god-awful-movies-world-tour/ To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Guest Links: Check out the Opening Arguments podcast here: http://openargs.com/ Check out the Naked Mormonism podcast here: http://nakedmormonismpodcast.com/index.html Headlines: Leaked Trump regulation would allow all employers to deny contraceptive coverage (and more) http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/01/leaked-trump-regulation-says-all-employers-will-be-able-to-refuse-birth-control-coverage/ Woman permanently injured by faith healing wants her parents prosecuted: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/02/woman-with-fatal-condition-caused-by-faith-healing-wants-her-parents-prosecuted/ Denmark repeals blasphemy law(skit idea let's check in with denmark “I shit in a yarmulke”): http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/02/denmarks-blasphemy-law-has-been-repealed/ Germans make robot priest: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/05/31/why-bother-with-church-when-this-german-robo-priest-handles-all-your-blessing-needs/ Indian judge: Peacocks procreate by swallowing tears: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/01/indian-judge-peacocks-dont-have-sex-they-reproduce-by-swallowing-tears-actual-tears/ KY Gov plans to curb crime with prayer: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/02/ky-governor-thinks-the-power-of-prayer-can-curb-violence-it-cant/ Ken Ham is not a white person: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/02/creationist-ken-ham-im-not-a-white-person/ Ken ham, Gayness, Ice cream appear in a story together: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/03/creationist-ken-ham-doesnt-get-ben-jerrys-clever-ice-cream-policy-in-australia/ This Week in Misogyny: Jim Bakker on Manchester bombing: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/06/jim-bakker-the-manchester-victims-literally-invited-attacks-by-watching-ariana-grande/ Theodore Shoebat chimes in: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/theodore-shoebat-victims-of-manchester-bombing-were-pro-sodomite-sluts-and-whores/

Warning, the following podcast contains explicit language and Noah talks really fast, so it's a high swear word per minute ratio. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com, Dollar Shave Club, and by our Mike Pence in five words or less contest. Today's winner is Caleb, who had Indiana's worst governor, Indiana, Indiana. Well done, Caleb. For record, they started with William Henry Harrison back when they were a territory. And the game continues. Keep sending us your best five words or less using the hashtag PenceScathe, and you could be the next winner.

And now, the Scathing Apes. Hi, this is Tim from the Water Thresh blog, here to assure you we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's June 8th. And I want to fuck a child, not some politically correct term that won't help us protect people. Specifically children. No illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, Donald Trump uses The Handmaid's Tale as a platform template. Ken Ham sends out a mocking Ken Ham template. And if you stick around long enough, new listener, you'll find out it's not all like the intro. The first template to diatribe. I had a really informative, productive conversation on Facebook last week.

I feel like the diatribe could just end there, couldn't it? By itself, that seems like a newsworthy enough thing to devote an entire segment to, but it's true. It's still there on my wall, if you don't believe me. An honest-to-God productive disagreement on Facebook about politics, nonetheless. So, it starts when an occasional listener chimes in to ask why we spend so much time on our show talking about politics. She says, you know, honest question here, not trying to be a dick or anything, but you already have a show about politics.

So why do you spend so much time talking about it on Scathing Atheist? Shouldn't that mostly be about atheism? Now, I'm paraphrasing and abridging here, but that's the gist of the post. And I'll admit my first instinct was dismissive. And now I wasn't dismissing the question so much as the premise. I mean, you know, if religion and politics were somehow kept separate with some rhetorical wall or something, one could talk about the former without talking about the latter. If they each sat on their own magisterial islands dealing with different problems in a never the twain show me sort of way. Not only could I avoid talking about him on the show but i could probably avoid talking on the show i pretty much

have nothing to say but luckily for our next several hundred scheduled releases religion has way fewer qualms about wading into politics than i have about doing so on this show and yeah that's a true and justifiable answer i mean if we avoided talking about politics on this show it would force us to cordon off the most impactful and dangerous aspects of the subject that we're focused on. But that's not really what she's asking, is it? Because when somebody says, why do you talk about politics so much? What they really mean is, why do you talk about politics too much? And I don't want to strawman the question by pretending that there are two alternatives you know talk about politics exactly as much as we do versus never talk about politics at all because look you know by any standard the show has gotten decidedly more political over the course of the presidential

campaign and into trump's nuclear dumpster fire of an administration we recognize that but it's not because heath and eli and i all of a sudden got way more liberal you know as religion moves deeper into american politics the atheist watchdogs kind of have to follow. And there is no time in anyone's living memory when a presidential administration represented a greater threat to church-state separation or the integrity of rational thought or the validity of science on either side of the aisle.

I mean, I consume a lot of atheist and skeptical podcasts, and virtually every one of them that isn't inherently political has had to cut in in the last couple of weeks at some point and say look we know this show's not inherently political and we're not just like looking for new reasons to bash trump but so more and more often when we get together for our production meetings before we do this you know we go over the headlines we find ourselves saying hey are we doing too many political stories we talking about the trump administration too much? And sometimes the answer is yes, but sometimes it's more like, well, should we leave out the one where he promised to ban an entire religion from entering the country?

The one where he promised to federally fund religious schools or the one where he said he'd support a law requiring people to celebrate Christmas? You know, we know we have conservative listeners. We know we have libertarian listeners. Can't imagine we have any Trump supporter listeners, but we realize that not everyone who listens to this show agrees with our politics. I mean, I don't want to make it sound like we're politically monolithic on the show, but all of us lean left. So virtually all the commentary is coming from that direction. But on the other hand, virtually all the relevant abuses are coming from the other side. Let's not mistake one for the other.

I mean, I get that that's not a prerequisite. I get that you can have conservative economic views or conservative views on social spending and not be an anti-evolution theocrat. You know, the fact that it was the American conservative political party that got in bed with the anti-evolution theocrats, that's not an inevitable outgrowth of conservative policy. It's just an unfortunate happenstance of history. But that's the history we live in. You know, in the history we live in, there is one political party in this country that has multiple anti-science, anti-rationality, anti-church state separation planks in its platform. If you tell me the congressman said that even if global warming turned out to be real, it wouldn't matter because God would take care of it, you don't have to tell me which political party he belonged to.

I already know. No R's and parentheses need be wasted if you tell me that a governor is enacting strong anti-pornography laws in the name of jesus or are trying to reinstate mandatory prayer in school or trying to declare the bible the official state book i already know what their official position on the corporate tax rate is you know that's not an argument for or against any corporate tax rate sure but it's an argument against that political party you know look and not all the abuses come from the right i gotta be fair here as a listener was kind enough to point out in the facebook thread we didn't hesitate to take the mayor of san antonio

to task when she said that the root cause of poverty was lack of jesus hell we talked about in the headlines then did a follow-up story about it the next week when she did her little bullshit non-apology so yeah when it comes across our plate we'll bash the blue team too it just doesn't come across our plate very often and if we set out to make sure that we faulted both sides, that would work against the objectivity that we're hoping to maintain. If 99 out of 100 stories of egregious abuse of church-state separation come from one political party, 99% of our political stories should be bashing that political party. Anything else would betray a bias in favor of that party. And look, you don't get into atheist podcasting if you're trying to

avoid being controversial, but we're not trying to be divisive. We ultimately want our show to be welcoming to conservative listeners, which is why we try to avoid political topics that don't have a general atheist or skeptical component. Now, look, we can strive for that all we want, but the only true metric of how good a job we're doing is the commentary from our conservative listeners. So we're going to continue to ask ourselves those questions. We're going to continue to try to get better and we're going to continue to try to live up to our ideals. But if we started trying to avoid political topics to do it or wall off the topics that might piss off some percentage of our listeners, that would mean like voluntarily castrating our voices. And in the end, our voices are all we're

bringing to the table. Look, opinion plus action equals politics i'm incapable of avoiding the former and unwilling to avoid the latter they're talking about you jesus joining me for headlines tonight are two men you could be seeing live at the people's improv theater in new york city this very weekend. Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to improvise theatrically for People? Yes, and I would... Reacting to... Oh my God, that's terrifying. Back to the notes. Back to the notes.

I don't know what you're talking about, Heath. It's just three funny friends riffing notes please with pauses written in in second takes leave that in that's good no it adds reality to the moment and of course I should remind everybody that there are still a few

tickets available for our New York show so if you'd like to come join us for a live record of god awful movies be sure to check out skating atheist.com or look for a link on the show notes to buy tickets and while you're dutifully writing that down and or doing that we'll take a quick break for a word from this week's first sponsor stamps.com hi folks no illusions here if you run a business like i do, you know that going to the post office can be a real hassle. Sorry, one second. Noah, hear me out. I got three price quotes on cement mixer rentals. No, no, no.

Going to the post office means finding a place to park, waiting in line, wasting valuable time that you could be spending growing your business. Oh, I'm sorry. I got to take this. Hold on one second here. I couldn't tell you before we got cut off, but one of them has a rent to get one free deal, but only if you rent before Tuesday. No, no, no, no. So why not save all the hassle of going to the post office and try stamps.com?

They bring all the services of the U.S. Postal Service right to your fingertips. You can buy and print official U.S. postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail using your own computer and printer. Plus, unlike the post office, stamps.com is open 24 hours a day, seven days... Hold on one second.

No, Eli, that's still considered manslaughter. I really should just add that to my automated replies. Sorry. Anyway, what was it? Stamps.com. It makes shipping easy. And right now, you too can enjoy the Stamps.com service with a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus postage and a digital scale without a long-term commitment just go to stamps.com click on the microphone at the top of the home page and type in scathing that's stamps.com then enter scathing stamps.com never

go to the post office sorry about this. Hello. Noah, why do I keep getting urgent messages from Eli asking if he's allowed to buy insurance on other people's property? Stamps.com. Because your time might be better spent preventing Eli from committing felonies. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, from the ovarian wall builder's file. According to a draft of a new regulation being finalized by the Trump administration,

the president plans to effectively cancel the contraception mandate in the Affordable Care Act. In related news, nobody has more respect for women than Donald Trump nobody. And I guess that's why 28 million women voted for him because of all the respect. But when you're a celebrity, they let you metaphorically grab them there too. To be fair though, it is a hell of an excuse

not to take your pill. You have to admit, I elected a despot who's dedicated to giving the religious right control over my body. Has a way better ring to it than I have a headache so white women all right so the new policy would allow just about any employer not just a religious one to stop providing its workers with health insurance that covers birth

control now as much as i like to see religious exemptions go away, I feel like this doesn't really count because now every company is going to act like Hobby Lobby. It's not a solution. What I'm saying is we don't actually want satanic butt plug Jesus displays in every courtroom. Actually, okay, bad example, but you get what I mean. We're trying to make a point. Yeah, religious exemptions are gone, but only because religion won. It's like defeating ISIS by turning the entire world Muslim. Yeah.

We'll do it, but still. Problem is not solved by a sufficient number of Jewish Nazis. Right. Yeah, so the new list of acceptable excuses for opting out of the mandate would include pretty much anything, including we don't feel like it, or menstruation is the same thing as killing a baby, or voodoo economics, literally whatever you want. Now, granted, those companies could take the extra profits

and spend them on a small trickle-down fountain of liquid progestin for the ladies' room, but experts don't see that happening. The data doesn't bear out that that literally ever happens. You're not watching enough Fox business, I think. Yeah, you see, the free market will make the king give out more bread and water because he'll have more bread and water to give. He can't eat.

He can't eat so much. Duh. Yeah. And just to answer a question we got recently the reason this political sounding story is relevant to our atheism show virginia genuinely good question here's the answer on this one the reason is uh without the influence of the religious right the president probably wouldn't be taking away access from uterus havers to arguably the most important invention in the history of helping out uterus havers in fact the president would be a uterus have well right or at

least a former right yeah and not this is the most important part not a creepy science denying lunatic i just think doing a show that's just about religion at this point would be as ugly as picking your nose and eating it on air i was on mute hey sure trump is a creation and puppet of the religious right but since he didn't say jesus when he executed that guy this afternoon how about we tackle some apologetics what's the deal with argument from evil have you heard about this have you seen this god's still not real who's with me Have you heard about this? Have you seen this? God's still not real. Who's with me? If you don't like God and your hands in the air, say, This guy knows what I'm talking about.

This guy definitely knows what I'm talking about. Who answered the world's easiest question? Who did? You did. Ladies know. And in God-sized hole in your heart news tonight we have the extraordinarily depressing story of mariah walton sorry to bring the mood down a 20 year old victim of faith healing who would like to see her parents and their faith leaders prosecuted quick before she dies of a

fully treatable condition another story of course comes to us from america's faith healing fatality leader idaho idaho the state that thought the problematic part of new hampshire's motto was treatable condition another story of course comes to us from america's faith healing fatality leader idaho idaho the state that thought the problematic part of new hampshire's motto was the live free or portion yeah the general consensus in idaho seems to be no killing kids until they're zero right reasonable doctor's like it's a boy oh and it was god's will what do you want with this now so just just to remind you how incredibly inappropriate our jokes are the condition in question is a small hole in mariah's heart that could have been treated with surgery when she was a year old but instead in a tale atheists have heard far too many times, her parents decided that God was the best coronary spackle.

So they left the problem untreated for years or more accurately, they treated it by trusting in their powers of wishing. Well, wait, so why is she blaming the parents? Seems like God did the super shitty job with the healing. I don't get it. Well, I should be clear. Walton blames a cornucopia of stupid for her condition. In addition to the religious element, her parents were also mired in like anti-medicine conspiracy theories. In an interview with KTVB News, she recounted her parents telling her that doctors were evil and, quote, kill more people than they help, end quote.

end quote, which coming from faith healers, serves as a phenomenal benchmark for the meaning of ironic in case anybody ever gets confused. Yeah, another good example, if this girl prays for her parents to get stabbed in the heart, and it works. Or doesn't, either way. She's just like, damn, okay, God, we're good. So you were playing a long game, yeah.

Now, of course, as sad as it is to say up until this point, this story is distressingly prosaic. You know, I'd love to live in a world where this by itself was newsworthy, but this happens all the fucking time. What makes this story unique is that Mariah Walton has an unusually clear understanding of what happened and what the consequences should be. While she agrees their parents thought they were doing the right thing, she does not think that fact should shield them from legal prosecution when asked if prosecution of faith healers

infringed on the rights of parents like the religious freedom rights she pointed out that like dying or being debilitated by a curable disease also infringes on a couple rights yeah it's hard to speak freely on a ventilator am i right right? Gotta take it away and put it back on. And in Go Nuts versus Danish news tonight, in a ruling, thank you, thank you,

cross-show joke, in a ruling about as timely as a cholera FAQ, otherwise awesome country known for not being Sweden or Finland on a map Denmark has finally repealed its blasphemy

law. They're like the Shemp of Scandinavia. For the younger members of the audience, Shemp was an unpopular member of a comedy troupe called the Three Stooges that made movies about violence. About violence. Now, not everyone is happy. comedy troupe called the three stooges that made movies about violence yeah no that's violence yeah nailed it now not everyone is happy obviously this means that the cartoon scene is about to

get way out of hand and religious ideologues all over the world who would like magic beliefs to be enforceable by law are pretty upset and nazis on facebook are quickly running out of ways to get the attention of otherwise mild and happy kinsmen. It's a loss for everybody. Well, either way, I feel like we should probably check in with our Danish correspondent, Frans Gajjukdakskaven Duusaktakajigid. Thanks, Noah. Frans, how are things looking over there? Oh, not good, Noah.

I got to tell you, we had no idea the white- hot hatred that lay bubbling inside the surface of our wooden shoes. Now, that's actually surprising to hear. What are you seeing over there? Well, within a matter of minutes, a rash of foreskin staplings were reported. Foreskin staplings? Yeah, yeah. It's where you staple a foreskin back onto a Jew. Wow. Oh, Jew. Wow. Oh, absolutely, wow. It's also been reported that 9 out of 10 religious headdresses have been set on fire.

Excuse me, sir? Sir? Yes? Franz Gershklovesklenigdun from Scathing Atheist Denmark, can you tell our listeners what you're doing? Me? I'm just shitting into this yarmulke. Really? Is that the first one you've done today? Oh, no. This is number 22 of the yarmulkes I have shat in today. I got to say, Franz, I'm really shocked to hear this.

The blasphemy laws get repealed and hate crimes start springing up with people stapling dicks and shitting in yarmulkes just all of a sudden. Not at all, Noah. Not at all. Gotcha. Oh, god damn it. You guys are the worst. Prank a war. Hi, mom. I'm on the show. I'm on the show. Back to you, Noah. And now to you, Heath. Thank you, Noah.

And in ministering test news tonight. Heath made the bold choice not to use a Danish accent there. So it's really easy for you to tell it's a test news tonight. Heath made the bold choice not to use a Danish accent there. So it's really easy for you to tell. It's a different character now. It is. I'm Heath and back to me. And I'm a Danish correspondent. I'm an English originally person who was over.

It makes sense. I was in Denmark and I took on a Danish pseudonym to make more sense. When in Rome. Everything's been explained perfectly and administering testers tonight. Robot pastor was unveiled in Germany last week as part of an exhibition celebrating the anniversary of the Protestant Reformation. Its name is Bless You Too. And it's programmed to deliver magical nonsense in five languages. German, English,

French, Spanish, and Polish. And don't worry, I know what you're thinking, it does include light up hands. That's not what I was... When you tell me about an anthropomorphic robot, my primary appendage of concern is not the hands.

Just in case one of these stories comes up again. Okay. No hands. Make your requests. Anyway, according to its inventor, Stephen Krebs of the Protestant Church in Hesse, Nassau, the RoboPastor was designed with a very specific purpose

in mind. Krebs told reporters, quote, He's German, by the way. He's German German in case you want to know what his voice sounds like. Probably perfect English. Right? Germans always are speaking perfect English. Stephen Krebs told reporters in this perfect American

voice quote, we wanted people to consider if it's possible to be blessed by a machine or if a human being is needed end quote. Not adding. Because you know it's bullshit anyway. Religion sure is different in Europe huh?

The accents are the same. Ah Europe. Where religion is just a gross hobby. Like bowling. Or polyamory. Anyway. No word yet as to how universal this thing is going to become, but I for one am all for it. Because I'm pretty sure kid fucking violates the first law of robotics.

I would think. I am not a robot. But that does give me a new and interesting, more compact concept for the whiteboard. So while I redo that, we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife lucinda i don't do accents whatever a man wrote the bible a horse which one if it's a legitimate race right cooking can be fun hey i'm proud of a man this week in misogyny tragedy for some of us it's an opportunity to come together and show what puts the human in humanism. And for some, it's a chance to gloat. Because this week, I want to talk about where people's thoughts and feelings really lie,

specifically with regards to the Manchester bombing two weeks ago. Now, as you know, this took place at an Ariana Grande concert, and it was an attack on a lot of things. It was an attack on Western values. It was an attack on the British people. It was an attack on the enemies of ISIS, but it was also an attack on women. And while the zealots love to trot out how much better the West treats its women, that's not much to brag about when the other guys won't let us drive cars or flaunt our cheekbones. But let's put that claim to the test and see how much better the West handled this. First up, man of the bucket, Jim Baker, made sure to blame the victim saying, quote, they literally invited

these kinds of things to happen. They almost cursed themselves with this concert. I tell you what, God's not going to put up with this mockery. Be not deceived. God is not mocked, end quote. And as monstrous as that is, it does make you wonder what Baker thinks God has been missing about us for the past few years. I mean, how the hell hasn't the omnipotent guy heard of the podcast? But Baker wasn't the only one. He was joined by good old Teddy Shoebat, who chimed in from his ever more pathetic webcam background to let us know that he thinks all the dancing and nakedness pretty much painted a willing target on the victims often bare backs he said quote the people who died the people who were injured the people who were scared out of their minds who ran away screaming i really don't care they go to these concerts dressed up as whores dressed up as sluts they're pro sodomite

they're pro divorce they're pro infidelity endomite. They're pro-divorce. They're pro-infidelity, end quote. And if you're inclined to pretend that isn't biblically accurate, have at it. But I'm thinking the problem is less in the interpretation and more in the book. No way to misread Huck Finn as a call to exterminate the whores and sodomites, I guess. And with the confidence that the well has done a perfectly good job of poisoning itself, I hand you back over to noah heath and eli thank you lucinda and in peacock news tonight we've got a story that reminds us how much more bullshitty bullshit sounds when it's new bullshit i mean you know we've all seen like the memes online that describe christianity in like stark language and you're like wow that is really the

bullshit they believe and and then you realize the only reason it isn't obvious all the time is that you just grow immune to the smell of the shit from the bulls nearby. So I came across this story on The Friendly Atheist last week about a judge in India who was talking to a high school class and spouting some distinctly Hindu bullshit that I think you're going to like. Dude, the caste system is not bullshit. People need to know their role. Thank you. Right? This is why I don't let people from below the Bible Belt cast shadows near me.

Right. Yeah, smart. My wife is going to headbutt you in the nuts one day. As long as there's no shadow. No shadow. I'll fall over your nuts right at the end. So, quick example of his bullshit. Did you know that peacocks are celibate

not the ones i know if you didn't know that don't feel bad it's profoundly untrue and doesn't make the slightest fucking lick of sense because they're still peacocks but apparently in a gross misappropriation of sentences that contain the word cock swallow swallow, and tears, it turns out... What is Comet Pic-Ponk? No, but similar truth value. There's a myth in India, actually, that peahens get pregnant by swallowing the tears of peacocks. And apparently this judge in India feels like that's the kind of thing you want to reinforce as though it were a fact to impressionable

teens gathered in an institute of learning. It's a classic move by the Peacocks. Like, don't worry, we're safe if I cry into your butt. It's fine. If I finish in there, it prevents breast cancer. So there's a lot of positives. Now, if you're thinking to yourself, boy, clearly that's got to be the most indefensible

bullshit this sitting judge said whilst addressing children from a position of authority. Your inner monologue is as wrong as it is verbose. I would happily trade this guy for Roy Moore. Wait, wait, wait. But there's more. There's more. Hold on.

Before you say that, he also explained during his remarks that cow urine can be used to prevent aging. I've used that excuse, too. I like this guy. Still want to trade for Roy Moore. Now, unfortunately, none of the stories I could find, I read like three, and they didn't explain

how exactly one is meant to administer said cow urine to maximize its anti-aging properties. But I'm pretty sure whatever you're thinking can't be any grosser than what he meant. I know how the president tried to do it. Wait, that's Moscowoscow you're never mind

oh probably worth noting by the way uh that this is this judge is not like the indian equivalent of some hick judge in rural alabama calling for white women to have more babies at a commencement address okay this dude justice maha chandra sharma is apparently rumored to be on the short list for ind's Supreme Court. And the most noteworthy takeaway here is that the dumbest thing Antonin Scalia ever publicly admitted to believing is no less stupid than this guy's avian biology and bovine urine recommendations. When it comes down to it, it's just familiarity with the bullshit. I just want to know if we can swap. How does he feel about gay marriage?

I am surprisingly serious. Straight answers. want to know if we can swap how's he feel about gay marriage i am surprisingly serious straight answers and in kentucky try thinking news tonight kentucky governor and dad who won't stop checking in on the addict party matt bevin has an out-of-the-box solution to louisville's growing violence problem moving to lond. Kim Davis' Thunderdome. Burning that dilapidated shithole to the ground and starting over. Very small rocks. None of those, no. But close, close.

He wants to harness the power of prayer and walking. Churches, churches. Yes. There it is. Got it. At a press conference this week, Bevan, who apparently has never prayed to roll a six on a dice 12 times in a row,

he announced that what he's looking for is people to walk around the most dangerous neighborhoods in Louisville praying each night at around 7 p.m. saying, quote, What the fuck? It doesn't matter the age of the people. We need young people. Yep. And the people we need young people yep yep and old people old people too yeah young and old vulnerable who believe in the power of prayer who wanted to restore dignity and hope into these communities and they want to do that by physically being in those communities and walking

around walking around. That's what we're looking for. So yeah, this guy's plan is to have old people and young people for the record, walking around the most dangerous neighborhoods in his state at night. Distracted wishing for no way. This will backfire. most dangerous neighborhoods in his state at night distracted. Wishing for something. There's no way this will backfire.

Yeah, maybe Trayvon survives that gunshot if somebody was praying for him on the scene. We don't know. No, I like this solution though. You're going to have crime one way or the other. You might as well have victims who have it coming. It's like voluntary eugenics. Yeah, it's like

writing with a laptop on your lap or being skinny enough to find a husband. It takes you out of the pool. You, the letter genics. Like iPad. Like an app. And finally tonight, from the

Amish Wolverine file that we've pinned to the taskbar now you're right professional wrong person ken ham once again made headlines twice in the same week and for the second time in a row in case you missed it last week he got a phd in science just all of it yep and also fucked a gay dinosaur in a book. And then this week, he was in the news for both claiming he's not white. He is. And also for implying, I'm really not sure he got like super confused and just said some nonsense, but I think he implied that ice cream flavors are just like same sex marriage

because somehow Ben and Jerry's is persecuting christian people it's very complicated see they lure you in with their hippie looks and their car talk smiles but deep down you can tell those guys just seethe with hatred so let's start with the topic of homosexual ice cream yes please if i had a dime for every time you said that. It's admittedly very confusing. Like, which flavors are the gayest? Mint chocolate chip. Where does the second penis go?

Across all three flavors. Thank you. That's acceptable. Yeah, if you want to wipe your dick across Neapolitan ice cream, that's a good use for it. Both the ice cream and the penis point is there's lots of stuff to figure out gay ice cream is confusing so the subject came up last week when ben and jerry's locations throughout australia decided to lampoon all the anti-marriage equality bigots by refusing to sell two scoops of the same flavor but just like right yeah yeah you get it

you understand immediately no that's good shit so obviously it's a joke and it definitely wasn't enforced very hard but ken ham panicked right like so many pro-sodomy activities you can't force these things it's about breathing you gotta really you know like andrew i'm happy to hear you publicly volunteer that you can't force sodomy activities. So, yeah, Ken Ham's an idiot who doesn't, like, get stuff. And that's why he sent out the following tweets in response to all this. Quote, imagine if a Christian business banned same flavor scoops as a statement against gay marriage. They would be sued.

And also, shouldn't they be banning different flavor scoops to further their gay capitalized agenda and quote wait this doesn't make any sense at all if you interpret it the way i'm interpreting it and thus all of twitter was concentrated into two tweets of the perfect storm of explain your joke to me and just because i'm stupid doesn't mean I don't get an opinion. Also, by the way, kind of sums up Ken Ham's career, too, doesn't it? Passionately not getting it. Just Ken Ham in a power spot and a power bell and just, I don't understand. I don't understand.

Alright, so we got to the claim by a white person named Kenneth Alfred Hamm. You'd have to put a pole regard in there to make him whiter. Yeah, and if you were thinking, he probably meant it like an eight-year-old middle child trying to get attention. Well, you guessed correctly. Are middle children not white is that no no but ken ham also is not not white right so uh in response to uh apparently absolutely nothing in response to nothing ken ham tweeted a picture of himself holding a blank piece of white paper and said i'm not a white person and there are no black people all are brown so literal color thing so yeah that was stupid especially the part where he sent out a picture of himself holding a blank rectangle for anyone to photoshop in whatever they want yeah right

please send us your best creations well now to be fair to ken ham which i'm not often want to do i'm sure he meant this is an anti-racism message which is actually something he's pretty consistent in denouncing congratulations yeah well right that being said that the catholic school in california that was going to have fried chicken and watermelon in honor of black history month doesn't get any bonus points for trying but we're not all brown. I'm peach. If anything, what happened in Ken Ham's mind? It's a big question and a short show. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We'll need a lot more than 30 seconds for that one, but we will put 30 seconds on the clock for this. So considering white, brown, and black people don't want Ken Ham, nor do the Australians, nor the Americans. What should we call Ken Ham's nationality and or ethnic group? Go. That's a new one.

Croatianist? Bearded lizard. We need a Latin name, but yeah. Chinmoldovan? Mold Milwaukee? He's moldy. He looks like mold. That's what I'm saying.

All right, damn it. I know there should be an aboriginal sin joke here, but I don't have it. So I'm going to throw a way overdue bone to our Kushitic listeners. Oromophobic. Huh? All right, fuck you guys. 35 to 45 million people in Ethiopia and Somalia love that joke, and they're underserved by this show. Patreon.com. Patreon.com.

Patreon.com, guys. Slash Ethiopia. Thank you. Throngoloid. Cavemanchurian. He would have trouble switching to Geico. That hand would have a lot of trouble switching to Geico. He's an idiot. Dravidian. Yeah, see?

Mutton chop skasian no because it rhymes with button chop remember when this was puns now I get a fucking I'm sorry I don't have ormophobic fucking puns

just waiting at the ready. I improvise this show. All right. I got one more. How about Pakistan? He's all Pac. He looks like a lunar surface. Pac Darun.

There we go. Pac Darun. And now that Heath, after years of trying, has finally managed to slip in a what race is blank 30 seconds bit, I suppose we can close the headlines. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Name that race.

And when we come back, we'll get the Book of Mormon equivalent of speed dating. We're going to get herpes? Get, Eli, really? We're going to give herpes. I will give you herpes, but I don't understand. Church of Lies, this friend. We interrupt this program for a very special announcement. Atheists, specifically guy atheists.

There are many accusations thrown our way these days that are insulting and untrue. For example, that we're immoral. That we don't know right from wrong. That this is just a phase. That one's true, though. Shut up, Eli. But sometimes, as a community, we must look inward and realize that some of the accusations leveled at our community are real. And we must look inward to change.

I just think once I have kids, like, I'm going to want them to have a kind of kid. I will stab you in the heart. So, atheists, specifically guy atheists, it's time to shave your necks. We've got to start shaving our necks. We really do. Now, we know razors can be expensive. And running to the store to buy them can be a drag. But sometimes we have to make sacrifices for the greater good.

But there's good news. DollarShaveClub.com It's the smart way to get a great shave at a great price, conveniently delivered right to your door. No cheap razors. No gimmicky razors that cost a small mortgage. But more importantly, no looking like you're smuggling a wiffle ball full of hair across the border under your chin.

For a limited time, new members get their first month of the executive razor with a tube of their Dr. Carver's shave butter for only $5 with free shipping. After that, razors are just a few bucks a month. That's a $15 value for only five bucks. And nobody will ask which parent you live with. In your first month's box, you get an awesome weighty handle, a full cassette of four cartridges, and a tube of their Dr. Carver's shave butter. That's like fancy shaving cream and after your first month replacement cartridges ship automatically at their regular price there are no hidden fees and no commitments cancel anytime you like but please don't and you can only get this offer exclusively at dollarshaveclub.com slash scathing that's dollarshaveclub.com slash scathing. Because we know it's not easy

to change, but we can do it. One neck at a time. One neck at a time. I love that ad so much. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. What is your confession, my child? Uh,

sorry, what? What? That's right. I am a robot priest. But I assure you, I am capable of all things a real priest is. Wow, really? Yes, yes. I can give blessings. I can perform marriages.

I can even deliver the sacrament. Open your mouth. Sorry, what? Don't worry. This will be our little secret. Wow. You really can do everything a normal priest can. Hello, I'm the robot cardinal. Was he molesting you? Back off, Steve. You're wrecking this for me.

Time to move you to another church again. Oh, boy. I gotta stop coming here. Yes. In our last Book of Morons segment, we collectively suffered through the Book of Morons' longest chapter.

And since then, whenever people say olive tree, Heath climbs under his bed and won't come out until we cook bacon. So this week, we're going to be tackling four books, each consisting of a single chapter. That would be the books of Enos, Jerom, and Omni, as well as the words of Mormon. Okay, but if we run out of bacon before it's done,

I'm back under the bed. This is why I said we needed crate training. Nobody listens. And of course, since I managed to slip in that and in bad times clause in the marital vowels, joining us for these four books will be my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back. Thanks, Noah, for that important early lesson on the importance of checking the fine print. Yeah, got you when you were 18.

All right. So we're going to go through all of these like we normally do. But as a broad outline, here's what happens with these books. Originally, Joey thought to himself, hey, you know what I'll do is I'll have a quick book from every generation from Nephi until the next big plot point. And by Enos, he was starting to realize that that was going to take for fucking ever. So the recollection of each generation just keeps getting shorter and shorter until he's eventually like, you know what, fuck it. Nobody in his family ever had kids again and then leaves out full centuries of history.

And that's going to start ramping up right away in the book of Enos. Yeah, and apparently Enos is Jacob's kid. And if you're thinking, damn, was Joey bad at making up names, I should point out that he actually swiped this one from one of the genealogies in Genesis. So this talentless asshole couldn't even pick a decent one off of a list. Moses? No, everyone's going to know that one.

Gnosis? Come on, Joe. Be serious. Enos. Okay, great. Back in the serious. Enos. Okay. Okay, great. Back in the hat. Back in the hat.

But a quick reminder just how poorly written this is. Enos opens up by promising to, quote, tell you of the wrestle which I had before God. Right. It's like reading a fifth grader's first use of a thesaurus. And verily did the rock hand me a folding chair came to pass well and the story he has to tell seems to be once upon a time i was hunting and i thought to myself sure wish god would forgive all of these sins so i asked him to and he said yes the end except not the end because it keeps going for another 24 fucking verses right and based on the book of

mormon so far i just want to say i am surprised we didn't hear about all the days he went hunting wished that and nothing happened and on the 834th day again nothing happened you writing this down how many pages what do we have how many plates um so enos is like, hey, you know what? I'm on a roll with this whole divine sin forgiveness thing. Might as well ask God to forgive all the Nephite sins. So he does. Yeah. Hey, God, while I got you, mind forgiving the whole squad? Do you chunk, riblet, Mike the Jew?

Get everybody. Yeah, man, no problem. You're good. Yeah, but God's all like, fuck that. I'm this close to turning those dudes black. Can't do it. Well, yeah, but eventually God talks Enos down to like just praying for golden plates that preserve a record of his people, as well as a group of people to carry on the white

man's burden after they're gone, I guess. Right. So once that's all settled and Enos has a good cry about it, he goes and rallies all of the Nephites to turn the Lamanites back to pre-Jesus. But alas, it's too late. They were too black to save at this point. Yeah. And he goes into detail about how evil and Native American like they were. And he uses the descriptors of each interchangeably like they just belong on the same list. He's like, they're filthy, idolatrous, tent-dwelling, bloodthirsty,

moccasin-wearing, ferocious. He also mentions they were super great with a scimitar. What? That's a sword that did not exist yet. Right. Well, okay, to his credit, I think they figured it out the same way Nephi figured out Laman's sword, right? Just like, okay, but what if this had a curve in it?

Got it. Yeah. Perfect. Well, I love too that he keeps saying, yeah, I don't know why they hated us so much. Every chance we got, we were telling them about Mormonism and pre-Jesus and how much better than them we were and how hell bound they were. And no amount of that made them like us. I don't get it.

It's the, I'm probably just not wearing enough of this cologne version of theology right don't do that he also points out this chapter that many of the lamanites ate nothing but raw meat so it's good to know even the mormons hate paleo that is stupid oh juice and then by contrast he points out that the Nephites grew all manner of grain and raised all manner of cattle and goats, which didn't exist in the country yet. That's how civilized they were. Raised animals. It's the Nephite playing polo on a unicorn. Civilized.

And then Enos dies without having had any interesting thing happen to or occur to him ever no and then we move on to enos's kid uh jerome who also gets a one chapter book that contains all of the relevant things that happened in his lifetime yeah and the book starts off trying to excuse itself and it's like and look I know it probably seems weird that I can summarize my entire life in 19 sentences, but these plates are super, super tiny. And I'm pretty sure all the important stuff to the plot is going to happen after I'm dead.

Right. He literally changes mid-sentence from I write this to preserve my lineage to I wrote this for the Lamanites. Yeah, what? But I'm not going to write down any of the prophecies or anything that i had for them just right right and we learn again in this one that the key of being a good mormon is a flexible neck everyone joseph doesn't like in this book is stiff

necked or black or both right which is weird coming from a character that's basically named Jerome, right? And it's just me. Flashback to young Joseph's getting a wedgie from a black guy in a neck brace. This is going in the book. This is ridiculous. Also, quick population math check here. We are now three generations removed from Nephi and the people have spread throughout the land. If everyone had an average of 150 surviving offspring each, we could just about fill up West Virginia.

I mean, have you seen how many kids West Virginians have? They're like spiders. Just a sack of teeth. Well, and now it's about 370 BCE or as historians call it, the Industrial Revolution. Apparently. But he starts going on about the factories and the nuclear power plants that the Nephites were building back then. Yeah. Yeah.

He talks about the steel and gold and cities they had. But apparently they all had a big red self-destruct button like a james bond jones land exactly well because look in the last book he says like man those lamanites they sure are set on destroying every potential archaeological discovery of our civilization aren't they but you know sure will be tough to verify whether or not we existed in the 1800s but but now we learned that in order to do that they they had to melt down their metal tools and make them back into unprocessed ore. What?

Just ancient Lamanite General Lee. I said back in the ground, damn it. See my great, great, great, great, great grandson be that. And then Jerem dies, apologizing for not writing more interesting stuff as he does. And then he hands things over to his son, Omni. Yes, Omni. Omni. That's his name, yes.

And what a bizarre family tradition. Okay, so for several generations, each dad's like, hey, look, sometime between now and death, kind of sum up all the shit going on with the Lamanites for a couple paragraphs. This is their sacred charge. Like, live a life too uninteresting to fill three pages or you're going to fuck up the generational thing we have going.

Can I write about that time I fought a bear? No. No. Just what the black neighbors are doing. That's all that matters. Like an ancient Israelite neighborhood watch. Well, right. Oh, music. Music. like an ancient Israelite neighborhood watch well right music

well right but now we're in the speed dying portion of the genealogy because this book tries to fast forward us through several generations oh my god I love Omni by the way his opening line is basically so I'm pretty badass in case you were curious major ninja skills but I'm not particularly moral

I'm an anti-hero. I guess you could call me, yeah. Luckily, I died. My son is really great, though. God, dad, you're such an anti-hero. Yeah, and he's introducing himself by reading his character sheet here. I've got an 8 in dexterity,

an 11 in charisma. And then literally after the bio, I just said, we had years of peace. We had years of war. I carved these plates and I died next. And then he hands things off to Amaron, who also had a life that could be summarized in a two-part tweet.

Yeah. And the single event that characterized Amaron's life, by the way, was the fact that some of the Nephites died, but basically just the medium pious ones and below. Yeah, like no raw meat or animal blood, but they definitely had more than 10 items in their cart and still used that line.

Yeah, exactly. And then Amron passes things over to his brother Chemish. Yes, Chemish. And this one is spectacular chemist gets one paragraph to summarize his entire life experience and all he says is yeah I watched my dad carve the plate

so you know in case you were wondering it was definitely him the end I'm done he's like the guy who fucks up an improv game and chemish go uh it is my turn now, yes. And I, it's my turn. Freeze, FBI.

Michael Scarn. And then Chemish's son. Oh, you thought it couldn't get worse, but it does. Chemish's son, Abinadum. Did you stumble over your words, Joe? Or is that the name you want? No, no, I meant Abinadum. I was not

reading the periodic table. Yeah, so Abinadum takes over the narrative. Again, one paragraph. It literally says, behold, this book is totes m'goats, this book, and then I die. That's it.

Jim just throws to his brother, there's a vegetable after a car crash, hits him in the chest, keeps rolling. Fun. And then you have his son, Amalekai. He takes over and at least he, you know, he holds on to the pen long enough to get it warm. There's a little bit more there. Right, but he uses this time to tell us about Mosiah who had to flee to the wilderness

on account of all the black people. See, this is why Heath and I don't want to go camping in Australia. Because of black people? Not just that. I feel like one of the reasons is one of the reasons. It's one of the reasons.

We're not saying the weights of each one. So yeah, a bunch of people leave the land of Nephi and find themselves in a land called Zarahemla? Something? Yeah. And the people there were crazy impressed with Messiah's plate, so everybody partied together and apparently have a good old time. And apparently these folks in Zarahemla came over the Atlantic

in a different Jewish migration to the Americas. Did your brother try to kill you a bunch of times? He did! He did try to kill me a bunch. It's a small world. So cool. But we learn here that the reason that the Zanzibarians aren't

all Jesus-y is because they didn't have awesome plates. You know, like the ones in this book. So as a result of not having the awesome plates, they created their own language and forgot about God. Right.

But luckily, Mosiah had copies of Rosetta Stone for ancient Egyptians that's not everybody plentifully yeah so the Nephites teach them all about God and pre-Jesus so they decide to make Mosiah their king then we get this weird meaningless diversion where

they find a rock that tells the story of fuck Joseph Smith the story of coriantum you saying the story of fuck joseph smith the story of coranthium corianthomer yeah you're saying coriander there's a t-m-r in this word there's an l-e-n-t-m-r is different yeah i don't even give a fuck if i pronounce them right anymore they're weird they're stupid uh anyway he hangs out with somebody for a while or something and then disappears from the story altogether.

And I have no idea why they even had to. Yeah. Right. And and Karanter Terminer also came from Israel, but like different Israel. What? The third separate. There's like four people left in Israel at this point. So, yeah.

After we get done with Joseph Smith telling the story of Amalekite, telling the story of Mosiah, telling the story of Coriantumar, he closes most of those parentheses and says, but anyway, I was alive too, and the Nephites and Lamanites were still warring a lot. Now, for what it's worth, Amalekite does us the favor of not procreating. So this part of the book can come to an end at least, but before it does, he has to remind us how important it is to love pre-jesus yeah and also he tries for a cliffhanger ending here he goes like oh yeah

also a few people with a strong leader went back to fight the lamanites to get our land back and they were pretty badass i wonder whatever happened to them to them to them that's a story for another day i mean plate different plate and now it's finally time to hear from the dude that they named the fucking book after so we get this tiny little afterthought chapter called the words of mormon yeah okay tell me if i have this right this guy's name is mormon and his father was also named Mormon? Just the name of the religion. And this is my other brother, Norman. Norman the Mormon.

And by the way, we've apparently skipped ahead something like 600 years or so, so that Mormon could cut in and say, there used to be a lot more stuff written here, but I abridged it. Ibid. Ibid. If Jesus's name was Jewish. I also want to point out how much more room these plates would have had

for relevant information if they didn't devote 20% of the book to explaining why there's not more relevant information in the fucking book. The book is constantly just vouching for itself.

Yeah, right. It's true true i have explained premature ejaculation more convincingly and succinctly it's because you're so pretty and and i'd tell you more reasons why but uh i'm gonna die soon maybe my son hops tag team it also mormon explains here that he can't be racist if he wants to turn all the black people white that's an important he supports universal basic income and gay marriage so who's the unreasonable one when you think about it so after nine verses of explaining why he could possibly know all of the shit that he's about to

tell us he dives into a quick hit series of bullet points for could possibly know all of the shit that he's about to tell us, he dives into a quick hit series of bullet points for the last half century of Nephite Lamanite history. Yeah. So apparently King Benjamin was pretty badass and drove the Lamanites out of the historical land of the Nephites. But none of that mattered because all his people were stiff-necked. And apparently that sums up all the relevant facts concerning a 500-year span of history. Apparently, yeah. I feel like we facts concerning a 500-year span of history. Apparently, yeah. I feel like we need to start following the lead here.

You know, like Europe, Europe, Europe, World War II, space, the moon, super intelligent praying manises, anti-matter bomb, light sword, and here we are. No, I like it. You know what? I'm going to give that a try for the Book of Morons outro. Mormon, Mormon, Nephites, bullshit books, starch, starts small penises and we'll do it again in three weeks why before we get the hook tonight i want to remind everybody who can't make the live gam in new york city this weekend that we also have upcoming shows in seattle austin salt lake city and, and Sydney, Australia, so you might still get a chance to see us live. Check scathingatheist.com for details. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight,

but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our even newer show, Citation Needed, debuting at noon the following day. And if even that's too long to wait, you can follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get even more chunks of scatheism in your life. Obviously, this episode would fall short of any reasonable expectation if I neglected to thank Heath Enright

for not admitting this whole line of work was a mistake mid-Quran. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for being one of the few solo wives to ever voluntarily read the Book of Mormon with her husband. I need to thank the ever so slightly less lovely Eli Bosnick for consistently running off all the squeamish listeners early. I also want to thank Andrew Torres from the Opening Arguments podcast for helping out with the ad today, and

I needed to offer an overdue thanks to Bryce Blankenagle of the Naked Mormonism podcast for helping out with the skit last week. I also want to thank actual professor of science Tim from the Waterfresh blog for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, Professor of Science. Take that, Ken Ham. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's Farnsworth quote, professor of science. Take that Ken Ham.

But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most munificent mammals, Bill, Michael, Cameron, Carl, Ashley,

Morgan, Kaylee, Brandy, Janice, Wade, nine millimeter, atheist, bronze,

farce, John, Jack, Dave, and Luke, Bill, Michael, Cameron,

and Carl, whose ejaculations have their own designations on the enhanced Fujita scale. Ashley, Morgan, Kaylee, and Brandy, who are so bright, alien astronomers use their NLX as standard candles.

Janice, Wade, nine millimeter, atheist, and bronze, farce, whose ninjitsu is so ferocious, Bruce Lee fightlee, and Brandy, who are so bright alien astronomers use their NLX as standard candles. Janusz Wade, 9mm atheist and bronze farce whose ninjitsu is so ferocious Bruce Lee fight moms would have to attack him two at a time. And John, Jack, Dave, and Luke whose dick size requires they maintain a no-passengers rule on their motorcycle's sidecar. Together, these 16 salacious skeptics saw the simmering cesspool of sectarian superstition and, seeking superior states of societal secularism, selected to support our sardonic scorn this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money to give us money, but if you do, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and

our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingadius.com. How would you describe the sounds you heard during that silence? Squishy toast. Squishy toast. Squishy toast. Squishy toast. Squishy toast.

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