The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 226: Cockadoodle Don't Edition

Episode Date: June 15, 2017

In this week’s episode, Heath shows off his acting chops in Mormon Piece Theater, the New York Appellate Court rules in favor of Jewish people carrying out henocide, and we’ll spend the holy month with some Pakistani dumbasses for a Ramadan of Ding Dongs. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Guest Links: To check out the Old News podcast, click here: https://oldnews.podbean.com/ Headlines: Canada repeals blasphemy law: http://globalnews.ca/news/3512946/commentary-at-long-last-canadas-blasphemy-law-is-dead/ Reza Aslan loses his job over the only thing he’s ever done that shouldn’t have cost him his job: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/09/reza-aslan-doesnt-deserve-to-lose-his-cnn-show-over-a-critical-tweet/ Pastor: Who damaged more souls, Ariana Grande, or the Manchester bomber? http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/07/pastor-wonders-whos-damaged-more-souls-ariana-grande-or-the-manchester-suicide-bomber/ Muslim doctor in Pakistan refuses to treat “unclean” Christian patient: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/10/muslim-doctors-in-pakistan-allegedly-refused-to-treat-unclean-christian-patient/ Arkansas senator compares journalist to terrorist for exposing senator’s anti-Muslim views http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/11/arkansas-senator-compares-journalist-to-terrorist-for-exposing-his-anti-muslim-views/ Followup: Devos now realizes she can’t openly call for the funding of schools that discriminate against gays and blacks: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/06/betsy-devos-has-changed-her-mind-on-funding-schools-that-reject-black-and-gay-students/ People troll roy more with pride react http://www.al.com/news/index.ssf/2017/06/facebookspridereaction_butto.html Controversy over FL “fire protection fee” for churches is horseshit: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/05/asking-churches-to-pay-for-fire-protection-isnt-a-burden-on-their-religious-rights/ NY appellate court upholds rights of Jews to torture chickens: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/08/ny-appellate-court-orthodox-jews-have-right-to-slaughter-chickens-in-ritual/ This Week in Misogyny: Religious right activist warns that liberal women will “cut your peepee off” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/09/religious-right-activist-dont-date-liberal-women-or-theyll-cut-your-pee-pee-off/ Christian speaker: women with short hair aren’t feminine enough for god: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/08/christian-speaker-women-with-short-hair-arent-feminine-enough-for-god/

Warning, the following podcast contains works that make cartoon animals gasp. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by our Mike Pence in five words or less contest. Today's winner is Roy, who had Lemon Party Creative Director. Well done, Roy. Don't Google that. And with all the enthusiasm on this topic, we're going to keep it going. Keep tweeting us your best five words or less using the hashtag pence scathe you could be the next winner and now the skating apes hello i'm david and i'm russell and we're from old news podcast two blokes in the northeast of england we get together to talk about things that used to be in the news all those stories you might

say whatever happened about that? We all remember the story where we found that we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's June 15th. And I'm not able to do an intro this fast. It makes me nervous. I'm no illusions. I'm Elon Bosnick.

I'm Heath Enright. I'm from New York, New York. Secret Lair, Pennsylvania. This is the Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Heath shows off his acting chops in Mormon Peace Theater. New York appellate court rules in favor of Jewish people carrying out a genocide. And we'll spend the holy month with some Pakistani dumbasses for a Ramadan of ding-dongs. But first, the diatribe. At the risk of arming Eli for yet more old jokes, I want to offer up a back-in-my-day anecdote.

My wife and I bought our first car in 1997, and back then, a gallon of gas cost about 80 cents. Now, to be fair, the summer of 97 saw crazy low gas prices, even by the standard of the time, so that wasn't exactly typical, but for the first couple years we owned that car we could fill it up and get change from a ten dollar bill now back then it was a much more trusting time and most gas stations didn't have pay at the pump so as hopefully at least most of you remember the standard operating procedure was to pump your gas then go into the gas station and pay for it i'm the kind of guy that rarely lets his car drop below a quarter tank so when when I filled up, it was generally costing me around seven bucks or less. And once I realized that, that very quickly morphed into me pretty much always getting exactly six dollars and 66 cents worth of gas.

Now, I should point out that at that time, I wasn't trying to make a religious statement when I did it. Right. I wasn't doing it to fuck with Christians any more than I was doing it to pledge my commitment to Satan. It just seemed funny to me and on occasion to the cashier I was paying. But if there had been another equally clever amount of gas to get that was near $7, I might have just as well gone with that. Now, back then we were living in Illinois, and most of the time if the cashier reacted at all, it was with a I see what you did there chuckle, and that was kind of funny. And every once in a blue moon, it was an old lady with a cross around her neck giving me a stern look over her glasses. And then it was fucking hilarious. But most of the time, nobody reacted at all. And then I moved to Georgia.

Now, I'd lived in Georgia before, so it wasn't exactly a surprise that they didn't take my clever number joke quite the same as the fine folks of the Midwest. But this was before I had a productive outlet for my asshole race. So I was kind of looking forward to pissing off more old Christian ladies. That bit came as no surprise. I was anticipating this bit. What I had not anticipated, however, were the cashiers who would express genuine concern for my soul. They weren't glaring at me. They weren't preaching at me about the importance of respecting religion. They were just certain that I accidentally let the pump stop on the devil's number and would, with the most sincere consideration, ask me if

I wasn't sure I didn't want to add a spicy beef stick or something so as not to pay in the devil's amount they weren't taking it as disrespectful or funny or stupid they were taking it as dangerous now crawl around in that headspace for a second right i mean these are presumably at least moderately intelligent people they made it to work today. They're trusted with money. Their pants and shirts are on the proper part of their bodies. Can't get there if you haven't at least demonstrated a passing familiarity with cause and effect. And yet here they were standing across from me, actually believing that an arbitrary valuation of a particular volume of gasoline was going to have cosmic consequences in my life

i mean set aside how that would work from a scientific basis i can't even get my head around how it works from a theological basis satan's just got somebody stationed at every cash register waiting for that number to come up a demon standing in the pump stops on 666 he gets all excited then the dude tops it off oh man keep man. Keep in mind, all the Bible says about this is that the number of the beast will be 666. That's it. There's no passage in Revelations that says, and behold, he did purchase fuel in the amount of the beast number and verily did this shit get real. There's nothing in the book that says you should avoid that number or that it's a bad omen or that it expresses like some satanic jeopardy. And yet on several occasions, I encountered people

who implored me for the sake of my eternal soul to add a spicy beef stick to my purchase so as not to anger God. Now, if I could have taken any of these people aside and asked them how they think this works, I doubt it would have elucidated much. My guess is that the questions that seemed inescapably obvious to me are ones that they've never really pondered i'm betting that six six six equals evil is the full extent of their philosophical reflections on the subject but i'm dying to know how this plays out in the eternal struggle between good and evil is some kind of like ghostbusters siren going off in hell when i got my receipt janine going we got one or is it just saint p Peter making an angry mark in a book somewhere with a note next to it saying he was even asked to buy a spicy beef stick and refused?

Now, to be fair to all my concerned cashiers, it's probably not that like this kind of stuff never occurred to him. It's just that they're not allowed to ask those questions. Right. It's not like this is that one unique aspect of religious belief that doesn't stand up the logical scrutiny. If you start asking why and how on religious stuff, it all falls apart. So the round hole of their logic is more or less acclimated to the square peg of their beliefs. Their beliefs are divided up into things that have to make sense logically and religious stuff. And as much as possible, they keep those things separate.

But alas, non-overlapping magisteria is every bit the myth that christ the redeemer is so inevitably the senseless part of their worldview must intrude on the logical parts that keeps the pants on the bottom and the shirt on the top and this can lead to all kinds of problems that are way more impactful than an improperly motivated upsell of the spicy beef sticks it's precisely this phenomenon that overrides that logical killing innocent people makes me the bad guy stuff too, after all. You know, look, faith is an inherently dangerous thing, and atheists more or less universally recognize this. But it's important that we temper that with the fact that this is a tiered proposition. Okay, accepting scientific facts on faith, that's dangerous.

You shouldn't do that, right? It inhibits your ability to contribute to new knowledge. It diminishes your appreciation for how we know what we know it dampens your curiosity that kind of shit having faith in a book that says gay people and women who have premarital sex should be murdered by angry mobs lopping rocks is way fucking worse right having faith in something that doesn't even make sense internally cripples one's ability to make sense of the real world so yes the faith thing is part of the problem sure but the wrong thing is a way bigger part joining me for headlines tonight are two other men who can't be expected to remember every little meeting with every little russian ambassador he Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick.

Fellas, are you ready to evoke the nine and three quarters amendment or whatever it was that Sessions tried to do there? Remember when Hillary stumbled on those stairs to not the Kremlin? She stumbled on. I'm afraid I'm all like a fluffer. What with the women folk and the hibbity jibbity racial slur Racial slur We're starting to remember

President doesn't need to answer questions From dirty female hostages In case you missed it by the way We just thought we'd bring you a quick best of the sessions testimony in our lead story tonight official canadian jurisprudence just took an important step towards the third millennium ce last week when lawmakers unveiled bill c51 which would among a lot of other things eliminate canada's archaic blasphemy laws. A little trumpet, please. The bill would also remove a number of other laws deemed unconstitutional, obsolete, or redundant,

as well as offer some clarifying language on exactly what counts as sexual assault quick before Donald Trump plans any state visits. Yeah, I guess when it's weirdly polite, you might want some detailed language there. I guess I get that. It's important. May I grab your pussy exactly

donald just take it take a little advice from the canadians now i want to be clear on what a non-event this actually is the last time anyone was actually prosecuted under this law was 1935 and nobody's been convicted of it since 1927 so it's not like a you know shit ton of danish cartoonists are just going to come pouring out of their prisons next week. The same act that eliminates this law is also going to eliminate vestigial mandates such as no challenging people to a duel and no possession of crime comics. They're exercising one obsolete and quizzically oververbed law against, quote, fraudulently pretending to practice

witchcraft, end quote. No matter how you slice it or what you believe, there are extra words in that description. I don't. How do you? Because of Ouija board, I'm just fucking with him. But it's still worth reflecting on the fact that it took him 125 years to get around to like officially decriminalizing god damn it. Yeah and just one other thing if you guys get a chance

Canada maybe a law about murdering your child by using maple syrup as meningitis medicine. Just a thought for like I don't know 125 years from now whenever get around to it. Oh god can you guys imagine how great Justin Trudeau is going to look in 125 years? It's going to be great.

Well, from the guy who's so attractive to Phyllis Schlafly, I think, I guess I understand. I think it's worth remembering, especially since there are so fucking many countries that haven't seen the light on this one just yet, that even an unused statute against blasphemy can still have a chilling effect on free speech. have a chilling effect on free speech right as recently as 1980 a movie theater in ontario was threatened with prosecution under the law for the crime of screening monty python's life of brian for example now in that instance the attorney general of ontario stepped in and snuffed out all the bullshit but i mean how many theaters simply elect not to play this movie or that one because they know there's still a law how How many gods are left insufficiently insulted? Zero?

I don't get the question. So many gods is so confusing. Let's just not protect anyone. Please give me $30,000 a month on Patreon. That is what I would like for that brave argument. So kudos, Canada. And I probably shouldn't tell you this, i will you can stop selling us we're sold we get it you are clearly better than us and we should come there hell us syria and nicaragua are

doing everything we can to knock your winners down a peg too so as soon as we're done with that you had me at universal health care guys and with legal weed on the way. And in Occam's Reza news tonight. In. Thank you. Thank you. I'm not very good at puns, so when I do it well. That was a pretty solid one, though. Thank you.

In further evidence that we are living in some bizarro, terrible alternate timeline, I find myself mad that Reza Aslan lost his job this week. What? And next week where I'll be defending William Lane Craig's right to use a men's room and Frank Elford and I

tag team cage match against sentient lizards because everything's broken. It's all crazy now. Well, I mean, I feel like it'd be weird if they weren't sentient lizards. That's a weird thing.

Well, yeah, we don't want Eli and Ray's cage match against lizards to be weird. So yeah, really aloof. I can't feel pain. What's happening? Just picturing a lizard in like one of those motorized wheelchairs. He loves it.

He loves it here. Oh, sweet Peter Singer singer deep cuts yes in the latest example of the rules only applying to liberals raises new show believer an anthony bourdain style travel documentary where he eats slightly less gross things than bourdain did was canceled after Aslan called Donald Trump a piece of shit on Twitter, putting him along Kathy Griffin in the irony hall of fame for getting in trouble for the only time you tell the truth and getting fired for telling a joke

that matters respectively. Yeah, it's basically the one time he did something that shouldn't have cost him his job, right job right also whatever you're feeling on kathy griffin and that whole thing you got to admit it's not like she's normally funnier than that topsy-turvy world we live in yeah great loss of comedy her bothering anderson cooper from 6 p.m to midnight once a year she's like meg griffin became a real person now heath a couple weeks ago our listeners may recall you asked me to defend blasphemy laws uh to the sjw's among our ranks so in similar fashion i ask you where you going with this as a white guy who only cares about one of the amendments

any word from your side on behalf of kathy and reza oh did you hear about this thing at Evergreen? It's crazy. Let's talk about Evergreen. They yelled. Yelled. Classical liberal. And in bang-bang news tonight, you will get that in a second. It's hilarious. Christian hate pastor and old

coal miner warning you to stay out of the quarry, David Whitney has a fun little word problem for us this week. You guys ready for a word problem? I was told there would be no math. I feel like Eli's notes give me about all the word problems I can handle. All right, but let's hear them out. So on the one hand, you have the Manchester bomber who killed innocent people enjoying a concert. you have the Manchester bomber who killed innocent people enjoying a concert.

And on the other hand, you have Ariana Grande who's led thousands of followers into a satanic cult of sodomy. I'm liking the other hand so much more also as he puts it, Kabbalah, the other thing she led them into note to self learn Kabbalah and join Ariana Grande's sodomy. Sorry. Sorry.

So the question is now that you have the two hands, who's done the most damage to the most souls? The bomber or Ariana Grande? It's like scoring World War II based on which side lost fewer gremlins. The Germans.

Good guess. So listeners might remember Pastor Whitney for blaming evolution a few weeks ago when a white student killed a black student well that guy did the math and he's pretty sure it's ariana grande who's worse saying quote she is promoting satanism by her music and by her lyrics and by her gyrations for the record i just want to say nobody has ever had a valid point when using the word gyrations except that well right yeah no it's the debate equivalent of putting cop in your movie title how do you not like cops it's the best ever. They punish poor people for being poor.

Tweet at him. You know that's not a movie, though. It is if you watch enough episodes. All right. And Whitney continues. So while we can measure accurately the damage that the suicide bomber accomplished, so that's good. You can rectify this part.

We can count the body bags. We can read the list of those in the hospital recovering from the injuries that the suicide bomber caused it's far more difficult to measure the damage done by this dangerous woman yeah I'd say that's true exactly how many souls

has she led down the path of destruction end quote also one more question from me. Why does she wear pro wrestling trunks everywhere? Where is her waist? It's very confusing. It's a Kabbalah thing.

You wouldn't get it. Red string. Don't let people see your waist. And in Ramadan with Heath News tonight, Pakistani Christian Irfan Masih remains dead this week after he was refused treatment by a Muslim doctor on account of his uncleanness.

Now, in the doctor's defense, by any objective standard, Masi was unclean, but that's kind of why he was at the hospital. His brother brought him there after he was overwhelmed by the toxic fumes

from the manhole he was cleaning. Unfortunately for him, it was Ramadan, he was Christian unfortunately for him it was ramadan he was christian and the doctors were heartless bastards who deserved to have barbed wire threaded from their anus through their urethra all right so you're i gotta stop buying stuff on groupon no one never wants to go jokes on him he's full of toxins i am full of toxins now the victim's brother told local papers that he vigorously cleaned the victim's body in hopes the doctors would treat him.

And once he was sufficiently ungrossed, they were willing to at least touch him. So they gave him some oxygen. But by then it was too late. Just like, here's some wet wipes. Get to work and do well enough and we'll offer him the best medicine Pakistan can offer. Yeah. And today that's a fan. And he's dead.

All right, going to turn it back off. But just so you know, that minute it was on decreased our GDP by 400%. Just FYI. Just so you know. Way in the negatives. Now, Pakistan is the exact worst place that there is. So it's tempting to read this story as one of the stories of backwardness of those zealots in the underdeveloped parts of the world.

But we shouldn't lose track of the fact that legislators in the U.S. are actively trying to pass laws that would allow Christians to do exactly this if the patient was gay or trans or a woman whose life could only be saved with an abortion. So not that this should still have to be pointed out. an abortion so not that this should still have to be pointed out but the problem here is in pakistan and it isn't islam and it isn't these couple of jackass murderers slash doctors isn't it well isn't it all those roots and leaves sir roots and leaves oh i only saw the first one what's leaves about it's the sequel it's amazing so yes those are definitely all problems but the root problem is the same as it always is on this show and i'll give you a hint that isn't fucking politics and in alka buzzfeed news tonight shootings stabbings suicide bombings these are just some of the tactics of the terrorist oh good jeez i thought you were

reading your weekend to-do list i guess i guess the fact that there's no comma between suicide and bombing should have tipped me off yeah shame on you no comments anywhere but i don't understand i'm not sleeping i'm fine totally healthy healthy. Pomonas. Yeah, exactly. But according to Arkansas State Senator and third place winner of the Happy Sailors Gayest Goatee Contest three years in a row,

Jason Raypert, the media has engaged in behavior just as dangerous. Namely, telling people about the things Jason Raypert has said on Facebook and Twitter. Okay, I'm confused. Yeah.

He won third place three years in a row? I don't make the rules, Heath. Take it up with the judges at the Happy Sailor. Maybe I will. Whatever. Yes, Rayburt, whose name matches his fucking face, is hopping mad at Arkansas reporter Max Brantley of the Arkansas Times. You know, that liberal rag sharing several of his social media posts where the state senator called to, quote, round up every single Muslim extremist sympathizer and other anti-American crazies and detain them or deport them. And for goodness sake, stop bringing more Muslims into this nation, end quote.

OK, wait, I'm sorry. Is he saying that Trump is a terrorist or that the people who follow him on Twitter are or that Twitter itself is? I'm confused. I'm also confused. He was reading my mentions. Oh, yes. I'm confused. I'm also confused.

He was reading my mentions. Oh. So again, it was the damnable audacity of the reporter Brantley to, and I can't emphasize this enough, tell other people about Rappert's behavior, which reached terrorist levels of bad. To the extent that the state senator wrote Brantley a note with the following quote you persist in being careless you played fast and loose with the truth reposting stories is not touting or promoting it is simply sharing ah yes retweets aren't endorsements as political stance what a world yeah screenshots have a notorious liberal atheist bias that's that's a problem wait are you saying i should stop retweeting ken ham or are you making a point that's invalidated by the fact that i do i mean you should stop retweeting ken ham that's whatever else i'm saying that that is true

he continues so now the national support group for all things islamic i don't i don't think that's a real support group by the way it would be too big a circle has put a target on me as a result of your messaging i hold you personally responsible if any threats come against me and my family as a result of this of the things i said yeah. You are truly careless and malicious with your political jabs. The truth is not in you. You are as dangerous with your pen as a terrorist with a weapon. It depends on the weapon. Is it ISIS members sawing off Raper's head with a pen?

See? See? Didn't think of this, did you? He concludes, if you haven't learned by now, nothing you do will ever deter me from speaking the truth and fighting for what is right. I would just rather

no one hears about it when I do. Think before you write and say untrue things in the future. Um, you. You should see that. are i'm tweeting whatever forever resolved oh really forever is it is that's what an amazing and what's amazing is forever resolved he deleted the post he deleted well that's resolved forever now too yeah forever sends him a microphone senator Senator Jason Raper.

And if he didn't spend the next week in some sort of bomb shelter with a gun pointed at the door, I will be very surprised. If he doesn't spend most weeks. Like, yeah. Or just as good, a pen shelter with a Twitter egg pointed at the door. Was that nonsense? I feel like that was complete nonsense I just said. Oh, a fun little post script to this story. Just before we

recorded, I found out that friend of the show Hemant Mehta over at Friendly Atheist podcast and blog wrote about this. And since then Raper has gone after Hemant tweeting, quote, So which is it, sir? You seem to be highlighting Muslim extremism

as well. Make up your mind. End quote. Sounds like it hasn't been forever resolved yet. So, again, for the cheap seats, I mean, I know J-Dog isn't listening because podcast listening is a two, sometimes three-step process, but just in case anyone was wondering, ideas are not people, and the percentage of a people who believe those ideas do not allow you to criticize the people, which is why it would be unfair as an example for me to say all guys named Jason's dick don't work. It's only white Republicans named Jason. Get it straight. straight i'm helping thank you for helping and in white

versus the board of education news tonight betsy devos is really coming around on the whole idea of uh seginated schools so all of it sandwich just saying yeah fair and balanced good job and you know while we're at it wilburbur Ross, pretty good at Smash Brothers. Ann Coulter, fantastic tennis player. Good doubles partner. Whole nine yards. Just saying. All right. So for those of you who are confused about why Mrs. DeVos might be iffy on the whole Ebony Ivory education plan, just look at her face.

Does she look like a woman who's open to racial mixing no she looks like a yacht salesman for a company called white power boats she looks like a sub at the jefferson davis presidential library she looks like she has refused to drink water since they started letting blacks use the same fountains that would actually explain a lot so quick background quick background a few weeks ago devos who is i i can't stress this enough the secretary of education for the united states of america drink was asked about whether we should be giving federal funding to schools that have discriminatory policies like for example lighthouse academy where they don't allow students or their families to be gay and her answer to that question was not no no it wasn't more of a i'm sure it'll work itself

out than a no per se yeah right uh her answer is still not no by the way her new answer is schools can't break the law which is better i guess yeah i mean not great in fact when asked about situations where the law isn't clear like in states that don't have lgbt protections she said on areas where the law is unsettled this department is not going to be issuing decrees well yeah because the alternative is that we get to non discriminatory, which is in her mind, a state of being that can be achieved. So, yeah, well, we'll only discriminate as much as the law says for for now. What if it was a Jewish school forced to educate a Nazi child? What then?

Educate a Nazi child. What then, huh? Nazi child. And quick before that devolves into and I wonder what that would be like, Sketch, we're going to pause for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. Hello. Welcome to Mordecai's School of Not-Nazism.

Hey, brother. Just want to send my son who was born a Nazi here. Oh, no. People think that's an argument. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right?

Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. You know, growing up in the South, I didn't meet a hell of a lot of feminists. The word itself always conjured up the image of cat ladies and college students burning bras. But even though very few people use the term, there were still times when I saw it in action. I remember one time in particular when I was old, in first or second grade maybe, and my mom was commiserating with a friend who got sent home early from work for, as she described it, not dressing ladylike. I specifically remember her saying, for Christ's

sakes, do they think as soon as I escape from that skirt, I'm going to cut their dicks off? Well, I've been pondering that question ever since, and this week, I learned that the answer is yes. Because this week's first story is about Wayne Allen Root, who took to the airwaves this week to warn all of the menfolk out there about the dangers of dating liberal women who like cats. Damn, I'm both of those things. Anyway, he urges men to avoid ladies like me because we will, in his words, quote, cut your pee pee off. I'm sorry, Wayne, your pee pee. What are you, seven? Do you mean your dick, Wayne? You're worried she'll cut-pee off. I'm sorry, Wayne. Your pee-pee? What are you, seven? Do you mean your dick, Wayne?

You're worried she'll cut your dick off? Why? You can't even name the thing and you're trying to tell me you have use for it? Give me a fucking break. He continued, quote, liberals are mentally unstable and mentally insane. They're unhinged, end quote. Which is ironic from a guy who has publicly accused Obama of starting a race war so he can implement martial law, both attending and not attending Columbia, and has tweeted that he believes Justice John Roberts is being blackmailed or intimidated. But it's not just pee-pee slicing that religious assholes are afraid of.

Sometimes all it takes to get them quivering in their magic underwear is a hairdo. As we see in our second story this week, this one comes from one Carmelina Reed, who was speaking at the Equip Conference for Christian Women in Sydney, Australia. During her talk, she pointed out that since God is looking down on us, it would make things a lot easier if we divided hair length according to sex. Within a larger speech about how God made women for the sole purpose of obeying their husbands, Reid projected a picture of Kristen Stewart's short new hairdo, to a room full of gasps, no doubt, and said that it, quote, might be more in line with God's good design to have long hair

because it was a visible sign of the differences between men and women in which God delighted, end quote. Now, in the name of sanity, I will point out that several attendees got up and left at this asinine statement, but the fact that it got made in the first place at a conference for women, Christian or otherwise, pretty much tells you everything you need to know about what religion brings to the gender equality table, doesn't it? And while I think of a way to break the news to my husband that God probably thinks he's a girl, I'll turn things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. You mean I was circumcised for nothing?

Thank you, Lucinda. And in emoji, I love butt stuff news tonight. So proud. So proud. Some are really good. Some are also there. Well, no. Emoji. Emoji. I get it.

You might say, gee, I love butt stuff. I keep sending Noah the clap hands. Let me... Oh, God. Let me fuck Phyllis Schlafly's body. Clap, clap, clap. How do the clap ends? All right.

Clap, clap, clap. They're applauding you and Phyllis. It doesn't matter. And myself. I'm saying you must listen. Oh, they're applauding you. All right. I'm putting in the pauses.

You must listen to clap. I can't clap. You didn't clap? You must listen to clap. See, this is the problem with millennials. They can't clap without You must too. This is the problem with millennials. They can't clap without emojis to help. Your fucking generation, man. I need a metronome.

Anyway, in yet another blatant example of heterophobic bigotry, Facebook, or as me and my fellow anonymous frogs call it on r slash the Donald, face cock. Got him. Nailed it. Thank you.

Has added a pride reaction alongside the existing ones like love, sad, angry, wow, and ha ha. Wait, how many are there existing ones? I just want to point out that quite by accident, you just used the six emojis in order that best describe the series of emotions I went through the first time I stuck something in my ass. Talk to me about ha-ha. It kind of tickles. All right.

The reaction, or react, as the kids are calling it these days, is acquired by liking the LGBTQ Facebook page and restarting the app. But it's how it's being used that brings me oh so much joy. Namely, by trolling the Facebook posts of bigots and assholes like Roy Moore, whose last Facebook post upon writing this, for example,

had two and a half thousand reactions, 2.3 of which were the pride emoji. See, I do have lots of gay friends. That was true. You guys made fun of me also of note was the warriors for christ facebook page who promised to ban anyone who pride reacted to any of their posts and received tens of thousands of pride reactions as a result so uh busy week ahead for that guy especially Especially now that he's probably gay. I'm not sure about the exact number, but if you see enough rainbows, you're gay.

No, yeah, you're right. That's how it works. That's why most leprechauns are gay. You know, I feel like I could name a guy who's having an even worse week from a band-related perspective, but I don't want the show to get too political. Thank you.

I'll be giving your cock a suck. Gay leprechaun, new character. Get on board, everybody. Get on board suck gay leprechaun new character get on board everybody get on board gay leprechaun we're going to get really interesting stickers for that one regardless whatever you do

do not do this because it is not totally hilarious and would literally only bother assholes this is not a win-win. So don't find your favorite bigot and start priding the hell out of their posts. Do not do this.

Yeah. And you could just enjoy your life that involves the physical reality outside of the internet. But yes, definitely pry the shit out of some bigots. Heath, quick question. That physical reality, does it contain poor people yes but also

cops so i've never been more torn eventually they're gonna let poor people on facebook and you're gonna be completely fucked don't even joke about that quick follow-up on this story facebook still has yet to implement or respond to my suggestions for reactions, which I feel are equally important. Namely, you guys should break up and you only posted this for attention. So get on it. Get on it, Mark. I feel like that latter is implied by the fact that it's on Facebook.

My thoughts. You think the poor people will get mood stamps? Or their emojis? Well done, sir. And in hosing the chosen news tonight i want to address the little faux controversy they got a lot of play out of the they're coming for our jebus crowd last week you may have heard about a contentious debate in fort walton beach florida with regards to an annual fire assessment surcharge and if you heard about it from a religious right news outlet it probably went a little something like secular aclu love and satanist demand churches pay extra if they

want to use the city as atheist water and put out their flaming staples and if you heard about it from a reasonable news outlet don't worry you didn't because none of them bothered to cover this ridiculous non-story it would have sounded something like tax-free organization asked to do bare minimum freaks the fuck out. Well, to be fair, though, those tax dollars could end up going to a fireman who puts out fires at gay weddings. So basically, we'd be asking the churches to like bake a penis cake and have gay sex with the firemen. Pretty much the same. Is that fair? I mean, I put it in all my letters.

Here's the actual proposal. As you've probably worked out on your own, churches get to use all the tax subsidized services that the rest of us get, even though they're not paying any of those taxes. So that means that when the church catches on fire, everybody pays to put it

out and investigate the fire, except for the people directly profiting from the church. So Fort Walton Beach proposed an annual charge to all nonprofits that operate in the city in the amount of five cents per square foot, an amount often referred to as way less than paying fucking taxes. I feel like churches could hire a nationwide fire department of their own for a lot less than $71 billion a year that they get in taxes. Yeah, no shit.

Or they could all burn to the ground. I'm just brainstorming here. There's a lot of ways to handle it. All right. How much are hoses? I'm on. Divided by Home Depot. Yeah, they're pretty cheap.

Of course, the absolute unquestioned legality of this measure and the fact that it's being equally assessed on all nonprofits, not just churches or just Christians, hasn't stopped some of the churches in town from crying persecution the first baptist church for example points out that they have a campus in town that includes a church sanctuary christian life center a fellowship hall administrative buildings and three educational buildings and if there's one thing we all know about untaxed businesses with 122 000 square feet of space and no production costs is that they can't possibly be expected to shell out six grand a year for the public good well um here's the thing i'd be willing to give them a tax credit if they don't rape any kids

they lost it yeah okay but to be fair think about how much more parks would have to pay um do you think public parks are non-profits are they are they churches that's amazing now to be clear the city hasn't actually adopted this policy and considering they're still very much in the bible but they probably won't in fact they'll probably try to cook some bullshit law that actually is discriminatory to all the non-religious charities that operate in the area in order to avoid a much louder charge of discrimination for treating everyone the same. Because clearly there just aren't enough atheists tell them to go fuck themselves yet. We're trying. So are you.

And finally tonight in party foul news. Pretty foul news. So, you know how we never murder chickens on the sidewalks of New York City by swinging them around over our heads, throwing them against the wall, and then chopping their heads off with a knife? I do not know that. Oh, okay. Well, you know how it seems like there wouldn't need to be a dedicated law for that because, you know, who the fuck would do that? I feel attacked by this story. Noah, and you know how, regardless of a dedicated law against that stuff, it would violate any number of other laws

and health codes and just general principles of common fucking sense. Seriously, Noah, you're just going to let him do this? It's a whole story. He just attacked me. This is starting to sound like

one of those improvised conversations that Andrew has us record when Eli gets a letter from the government. So, yes, Heath, I know exactly that and couldn't agree more that we should always follow the law in regards to bracket subject bracket both of you are attacking me my story next week is about living in a loft and smoking so buckle in all right well obviously uh noah isn't the majority of the new york appellate court because they just ruled that some people are allowed to do that stuff huh yeah but don't worry not just anyone it's pretty much only if you're ultra orthodox jewish and therefore part of a community

known for its amazing physical coordination so it shouldn't be. I'll be able to do it. Oh, I'm sorry. Would it be better if it was Tom Brady just hucking a chicken at 40 miles an hour at a wall? Yes, much better. Very slow throw for Tom Brady. Much closer to 60. I had no idea how fast the football throw was. I wrote it in there for you. I even wrote it in as 60. I see.

I thought I had written 60 and I was like, there's no way it's 60 as fast as a car. My original draft was 120 miles an hour and I was like, no, baseballs are faster than footballs. And they don't go 120 miles an hour. It depends if he inflates the ball or not. It's a lot of variables.

Just wheels a cannon out onto the field. Alright, so just in case you haven't heard us talk about this subject before, and it sounds like I literally just made up nonsense for this whole story. Sadly, I did not. This is all a very real thing called Capirot,

which is a tradition in the ultra-Orthodox community. Right before Yom Kippur, they build pop-up slaughterhouses on the sidewalks in New York City where everyone goes to transfer their sins to a chicken using some tripital force. They swing it around their head. As someone who grew up in the Hasidic community, I just want to say it's way more fun than Heath is making it sound.

And yes, I do have a story about this. Just saying. Just saying. Okay. Well, here's the thing. They swing it around their head, but I'm not sure why they also throw the chicken at a wall and then chop its head.

I guess that's the fun part. I hadn't gotten to it yet. That was the fun Eli's talking about. To be fair, when I was a kid, they had prizes in them. Okay. To be fair, when Noah was a kid, they were still dinosaurs. So it's way harder to swing them around. Tyrannosaurus, to be exact.

All right. to swing them around. Tyrannosaurus to be exact. So, obviously this sort of thing causes giant problems in places like Brooklyn, New York, where large communities bring in tens of thousands of chickens, make the whole neighborhood smell like death, more than normal, and coat the sidewalks with shit,

blood, and disease, again more than normal. But so far, including last week, not a single legal action against this practice has managed to work. Meanwhile, the Chick-fil-A cows are being hauled before an international tribunal. I was only following udders.

I love cow Nazi puns. It's a weakness. Murumberg. Okay. Well, that was awesome. Murumberg was awesome. Whatever. React more.

Okay. One last thing. Just for the record, the same magic spell can be done with a small bag of coins instead of a live chicken. Yeah. But somehow that's not good enough. Maybe the rabbis are getting hurt trying to chop the heads off the coins with a butcher knife i don't know regardless

there should be a movie about this in fact there's a whole genre that needs to be explored let's put 30 seconds on the clock ideas for chicken based jewish cinema go oh um west side cachetore wait Go. Westside Cacciatore. Wait, no, that's not Jewish. Upper Westside Cacciatore. Good Cluck Chuck. What about A Poultry Grows in Brooklyn? Poultry. Judaism, Brooklyn, and chickens.

That's three points. React more. Colonel Chandler's list. Annie Hollandaise, because it has eggs in and egg they come from chicken hollandaise cheating whatever your idea 30 seconds lazy okay how about fiddler on the rooster i'm glad that uh you didn't get lazy and her Her? Exodus? Exodus? There you go. Roscoe's almonds and raisins and waffles? The person who guessed that loves it, though. The one, the guy, the Jewish

cinephile that guessed it loves it. Write us in. Yeah, can't wait to hear from him. Him. Avian Private Ryan. Avian. Avian? What? uh avian private ryan avian that's how that word's pronounced if you don't pronounce it well and that sounds like saving which is about juice it's in a movie where the jews were getting killed and then we had a war it It was that war, though.

It was the right, the Jew war. Crushed it. That was all the wars. I love it. I forget. I forget. Let me get Mel Gibson on the line. Hold on.

All right, I go over. How about a little caperotica? Choking the chicken. Of course. Obviously. Also, masturbation porn. If you're getting rid of your sins, you would masturbate on a chicken before you swing it just it makes sense and speaking of good excuses to wrap up the headlines that's going to do it for headlines this week heath eli thanks as always

kite flying kite flying and when we come back one o'clock we'll have a lot more fun enacting joseph smith's fantasies than any of his wives ever did. Hi, I'm Noah Lusions, professional funny person. And in the wake of the recent firing of Kathy Griffin and Reza Aslan, the controversy around the public production of Julius Caesar and other various non-events, we've decided to give a very important message. Don't fucking flinch. That's right, Heath.

Don't fucking flinch. See, in times like these, one of the best ways to deter people from criticizing this batshit administration is by pretending not to understand what jokes are, which can have results like this. I hope President Trump gets eaten by bears. Whoa, now, Eli, you should apologize. Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry.

That's right. You and Ted Nugent are squaresies. So instead, we here at The Scathing Atheist would like to invite you once again to not fucking flinch. I hope President Trump gets eaten by bears. Over the line. Go fuck yourself. Doesn't that make you just as bad?

Nope. Go right ahead and fuck yourself. Okay. Have an opinion? Donald Trump is a piece of shit. Stick to it. Now, Heath, you and I both... Shove it right in your dickhole do you tell jokes

for a living puppy rape andy wilson holocaust donald trump is julius caesar you don't owe anyone shit i didn't like that last one suck my dick you hypocrite coward but whatever you do don't fucking flinch. Help! Oh, Lord, help! Oh, fireman, thank goodness you're here. The church, it's aflame, you see. Oh. The church, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, quickly, put it out and save all the Bibles and stuff. Yeah, yeah. See, here's the thing. What are you doing, Johnson? Get in there and put out that fire. Chief, it's a church, though. Oh, fuck.

I see the problem. The problem? Yeah, you see, our tanks, they're all filled with state water. State water? Yeah, and you didn't pay for any of that? You don't have any church water lying around, do you? Like a couple hundred gallons? We have basins with holy water in them.

Oh, okay, great. Awesome. How many hundred gallons of that do you have? Zero hundreds. Oof. That is going to be a problem. Oh, dear. Uh, yeah. Sorry, dear. Uh, yeah.

Sorry, Father. Maybe try praying. Dear Jesus, please stop the... Oh, there it goes. Never mind. when reading the book of mormon there are a few things that can't help but occur to you how does anyone possibly believe this shit oh my god this is so boring i wish i was dead how do they empty porta potties so to help you slog through the literary porta potty that is the book of mormon we are proud to once again present...

Mormon Peace Theater. Last time on Mormon Peace Theater. Hi, my name is Joseph and you shouldn't be sucking and fucking and one time a guy made fun of me so I killed him. Bon voyage! And now, on with the show. My name is Enos. Do a voice! We have hundreds more pages! Fine, fine. My name is Enos. I hate you.

Let me tell you of the wrestle which I had before God. Okay, what does that mean? Yeah, get him! Put him on the turnbuckles. Hit him with a chair. No, no, not like that. Ah, just me all alone in the woods. Nobody around for miles. Just me.

Alone. Enos, I have a... Oh, fuck, were you jerking off? No. No, I was just thinking about what um think thinking about my sins and how much i wish you would forgive them you you were yeah yeah totally okay well then why do you have that bronze tablet covered in nude pictures oh this this is my fellow nephites and i want them to be forgiven as well oh wow i was jumping to what a good guy you know what enos wish granted wow gee thanks god um what's uh gratitude boner. It's gratitude.

Okay, I talked to God, and he's pretty pissed. Like, black people level pissed at you guys, okay? So everyone cut it out, seriously. Who has this ever convinced? Hey, Leo the Lamanite. Hey, you know, what's up? What you got there? Oh, this is, uh, just a scimitar.

Pretty cool, right? Invented in the 9th century. Say, didn't your great-grandpa invent steel by looking at a sword? He did, yeah. Yes. Okay, fair point. How are your goats? Your ancient American goats. Okay, I get it. Hi, I'm Jerem. Seriously? An accent? Replace the letter. Something.

Right, okay. I'm Jerome. Totally different guy. I'm hiring actors. I could get Bryce again. No! He smells like soup! Hey there, Liam the Lamanite. Hello there. How'd you like to believe in a guy that hasn't been born yet? No, thank you. My neck is far too stiff, you see.

Oh, yeah. See, uh, do you have any other qualities besides the neck stiff thing? None that I want to record. Man, look at these beautiful cities of gold and silver. What a glorious thing for future generations to behold. Oh, um, hello there, Jerem. Oh, hey, what's up? Well, I just want, if anybody in the future were ever to look for these cities,

I want to say I am, uh, going to destroy every trace of them in the future. Don't worry, um, future archaeologists would be pretty good at finding evidence of civilization, even if it was destroyed. Uh, no, not this time. Not yours. I'm just gonna blast it all

the fuck to smithereens with my scimitar. Okay. Good to know. Yep. We good? Mm-hmm. Good. God! God! What is it, Nephi?

Jerem. Do a fucking voice then what's up the lamanites keep being all like black and stuff oh that sounds pretty bad lamanites oh i never done hi andrew torres legal counsel for puzzle in a and a Thunderstorm LLC. How are you doing? I see. And then what happened? Well, sir, I was going to... Banana, bandana, panda, those words all kind of rhyme. And from now on...

Oh, no, sir. I ain't never in... La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. All right, well, that seems fair to me. You Lamanites keep it up. Hi, I'm Omni. Ooh, Omni. And I've got the skills to pay the bills.

Ooh. With my karate chop, I slayed many Lamanites He's so dreamy But I wasn't very moral Weird self-description And then I die Hi, I'm Amarone People died

Yeah, they do that Hi, I'm Chimish. My dad was Amron, and, um... That's it, all right, goodbye. Abinadum. Wait, is that it? Are you done? Pretty much.

Okay, I'm... Who am I now? Amalekai. Right. That's me, Amalekai. Can we get a voice modulator? Can Lucinda do one? Anything.

Just... No. No. It's me, Mosiah. I'm here at Zarahemla. Really? Just read your line, dude. Oh, hey, man.

We're also ancient Israelites who also came to America. Wow, what a coincidence. Do you love Jesus too? No, because we forgot ancient Egyptian because we didn't have awesome plates. Then how are you and I talking right now? And that's my story. Wait, who are you? Uh, Amalekai?

Your story is about another guy. Yeah? Killer. Hi, it is I, Mormon. Son of Mormon. The guy that they basically named the book and the religion after. And I'm here to say the Nephites and the Lamanites

sure did fight a lot. No, no, fuck it, no. Me out. I'm going to my room. Lamanites are bad. And now that you're as caught up as a soap opera regular we'll take a break for three weeks and come back with more unless the next bit is too boring to do a mormon peace theater about in which case it'll be six or nine or hell never it's pretty boring book Before we retreat behind the parapets tonight, I want to remind everybody that missed it that the interview I did on the Inciting Incident podcast

is now available. I've done a lot of interviews, and I often get the same questions, but hats off to RISC for taking the conversation in some new directions. If you'd like to check that out, you'll find it linked on the show notes for this episode. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight.

We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our sister show's Hot Friends Hot Stepmom Citation Needed, debuting on Wednesday at noon Eastern. Obviously, I'd have to hang my head in shame for a week if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for treating Eli's penguin pants in accordance with all the provisions of the Geneva Convention. I need to thank Eli for eventually agreeing that it would be a way

better prank if he agreed to wait and kill Heath's dad with natural causes. And you're right, Eli, it is the perfect crime. I also need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for offering to broker peace between them if either side ever shows an interest. Also, special thanks to David and Russell for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Incidentally, if you're curious about all those items that inexplicably drop out of the news cycle, you'll find link to their podcast on the show notes but most of all of course i need to thank this week's most humorful humans tyler vichubon smellasaurus chris randolph simon nicholas jason k beaumont mitch ivy and donna tyler vichubon smellasaurus and chris whose iqs are so high the iss has to be routed around them randolph simon nicholas and jason whose dicks are so big even a

stormtrooper couldn't miss them, and Kay Beaumont, Mitch, Ivy, and Donna, whose sweet, sexy aromas put the scent into messant. Shit. I should have put smellasaurus in the compliment that had to do with smell, shouldn't I? Anyway, together this dozen dutifully doubtful deniers of deities decided to dedicate a dollop of dough

to depriving doctrinal dipshits of distensible deference this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money to give us money, but if you do, you can. Either by making a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode, or by making a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but you've sworn to dedicate every dollar

to reclaiming the ancestral lands of your father, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes or by telling a friend about the show. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats,

you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingadeus.com. See, and I had this whole thing after you did that. I was going to say, see Eli, one take. That's all it takes. You got to just be a pro. I had this whole thing I was going to do and mess that up too. I just want to put a little more pressure on you. I mean, do they think Julius Caesar is about how awesome it is to assassinate people? Two Obama productions.

Two. Right. Yes. Sponsored by Delta. Yes. Right. Fucking ridiculous. is to assassinate people two obama productions two right yes yeah sponsored by delta yes right fucking ridiculous we it's so fun now that we've murdered julius caesar that's the whole play yeah brutus high five shouldn't have ended it with that that would be the funniest goddamn thing that ever happened if they did the donald trump production and but just after he gets assassinated everybody's like comes out

you know or whatever they jump in the air and freeze and then it plays over everyone just gets ushered out bolly Bollywood dance number. Everybody rejoices in the streets. There you go. Come for the public. Fucking premiered Mother Courage. You think you scare us, Ted Nugent? Reenacting the sex scene from Monsters Ball with action figures

on your keyboard. Ooh, good. All right. Well, we're ready if you are, Morgan. We're waiting on you. Waiting on you. Yeah. I've never been happier in a line of... Sorry. I need to give a clean take of that.

Like soup or not like soup in this commentary? I like soup. Do not like soup. All right, swoosh. Nazis love to bake them some cakes, don't they? The Nazis need a lot of cakes. Takes a lot of cakes to be a Nazi. Warning.

The following podcast contains words that make cartoon animals gasp. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.