The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 228: Farced Amendment Edition

Episode Date: June 29, 2017

In this week’s episode, To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Guest Links: To check out Opening Arguments with Andrew Torrez, click here: http://openargs.com/ To check out the Common Heathens podcast, click here: http://commonheathens.com/ Headlines: Maajid Nawaz sues SPLC for putting him on hate list: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/23/maajid-nawaz-is-suing-the-splc-for-calling-him-an-anti-muslim-extremist/ Prosperity preacher charged with multi-million dollar tax fraud scheme: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/25/prosperity-gospel-preacher-charged-with-multi-million-dollar-tax-fraud-scheme/ Israeli airline can no longer ask women to switch seats because misogyny: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/22/israeli-court-airline-cant-ask-women-to-switch-seats-for-ultra-orthodox-men/ NY GOP caves to Catholic pressure, blocks bill to help sex abuse victims: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/22/ny-gop-pressured-by-religious-groups-wont-pass-bill-to-help-sex-abuse-victims/ Religious right renews calls to fight against anti-Trump witchcraft: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/religious-right-issues-another-urgent-call-to-prayer-to-fight-anti-trump-witchcraft/ McDonald’s swears allegiance to new Saudi crown prince: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/24/why-did-mcdonalds-pledge-allegiance-to-new-crown-prince-in-saudi-arabia/ This Week in Misogyny: Women can’t withdraw consent mid-fuck in North Carolina: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/24/women-cant-withdraw-consent-once-they-agree-to-sex-in-north-carolina/ Egyptian cleric: Women who don’t fuck their husbands are defying Allah: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/23/egyptian-cleric-wives-who-deny-their-husbands-sex-are-rebelling-against-allah/ Missouri advances bill that would allow employers to fire women for using birth control: http://www.newsweek.com/womens-rights-birth-control-abortion-missouri-discrimination-628538

Warning, the following podcast contains pretty much all the cuss words, and that's just the first sentence of the diatribe. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Blue Apron, a better way to cook, and by our Jeff Sessions in five words or less contest. Today's winner is Brian, who had, remember segregation? Pepperidge Farm remembers. Well done, Brian. And the game continues.

Keep sending us your best five words or less using the hashtag SessionsScathe and you could be the next winner. And now, Skating Atheist. G'day, I'm Mr. Ozatheist. And I'm Godless Mom. Together, we host a podcast called Common Heathens. But we're here today to let you know

that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's June 29th. And now that that pesky First Amendment is out of the way, we can start working on the others. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Scathing Atheist.

On this week's episode, seriously, the Supreme Court kind of just destroyed the establishment clause. Yeah. The crown prince of Saudi Arabia gets a nice toothless blowjob from Mayor McCheese. And Eli shaved his head and he's sensitive about it, so nobody make any jokes, okay? First, leukemia. I mean, diatribe. Diatribe.

We started this show for a lot of different reasons, but the spark that ignited it all was my need for a rooftop from which to sound my barbaric yawp. When, for example, the Supreme Court made a short-sighted, narrow-minded, beetle-headed, underhanded, flat-footed, shit-brained, backward-ass, goddamn, cock-tarded, misguided, untenable, ill-advised, half-cocked, fucked-up dick blister of a decision like the one that they announced on Monday. Now, I should be clear because it's not like the SCOTUS limited themselves to a single egregious fuck-up on Monday. So for the record, I'm talking about the unprecedentedly asinine decision they handed down in Trinity Lutheran versus Comer. You might recall that we had friend of the show Andrew Torres of the Opening Arguments podcast on the show back on episode 220 to discuss this case. But in the interest of a quick refresher, here's the argument. State of Missouri starts a program to resurface playgrounds with that mulched up tire stuff instead of the jagged quarry detritus that awaited me at the bottom of the monkey bars. Now,

funds are limited, so they take applications from nonprofits of all kind that have gravelly playground surfaces that need to be resurfaced. And among the applicants is one Trinity Lutheran Learning Center. State of Missouri sees this application, points out that the state constitution actually expressly forbids them from giving money directly to a religious institution. So they reject the application on this basis.

And the church sues them, claiming their religious liberty has been violated. Their religious liberty to have state funded playground surfaces. And some fucking how, this makes it all the way up to the supreme court despite all the courts along the way coming down on the you've got to be fucking kidding me end of the spectrum now when we talked about this after oral arguments

andrew seemed pretty confident that reason was going to win out over theocracy here i mean keep in mind that this is not a case about whether or not the church can give money to a Christian learning center. It's about whether the state has to, whether or not a church can compel the state to give them taxpayer funds against their will. And in Andrew's defense, any rational reading of this law would have backed him up on this. Of fucking course the state has the right to say, hey, of these limited funds that we have to resurface playgrounds, we're more interested in using them to resurface the playgrounds of places that don't strictly exist to promote religious ideology. Well, at least of fucking course they had that right from December 7th, 1787 all the way up to last fucking Sunday because apparently now they don't. Surely you're wrong, you must say. they don't surely you're wrong you must say surely a goddamn 7-2 decision in favor of this opinion couldn't completely fucking gut church state separation and force secular institutions to compete with religious ones for limited funds that have been earmarked for a secular purpose

why what you describe would be a brazen evisceration of the establishment clause and would take a legal justification so contorted it could tie the camera in a knot mid-colonoscopy. And yes, it would. And yes, it does. But no, I'm fucking not. I was so hoping I had this wrong, but I don't. This is a scalpel along the Achilles heel of every judicial precedent that protects your tax dollars from the greedy, misguided hands of Christ's army. It was not hyperbolic when Sonia S sonamaya summarized her dissent to this opinion by saying that it made separation of church and state a slogan rather than a commitment

so here's the majority opinion on this fucking nonsense with the caveat that a i don't speak legalese and b it doesn't make any fucking sense even if you do what the court is saying here is that as soon as missouri offered up this program to non-profits it became a public service and everyone in the state should be eligible for these public services now they admit you can set certain restrictions on these public services i.e you have to have a playground but those restrictions can't simply be whether or not the institution availing itself of those funds is religious but in order for that to make sense you have to act like the words secular and religious are just convenient categorical markers rather than descriptions of real fucking things. I mean, the purpose of a religious and a secular institution are fundamentally different.

By definition, a secular learning center serves the purpose of learning. That is not the case with Trinity Lutheran. Their primary purpose is to make Christians. Their primary purpose is to use the learning center to cultivate Christianity in children and turn them into disciples of Christ. And you don't have to take my fucking word for that, by the way. Just read their goddamn mission statement or any other six consecutive words on their website. They make no effort to pretend like their primary purpose is education or community service.

They're there to breed the next generation of suckers that pay their fucking bills. And the fact that the facility is also used for learning is no more relevant than the fact that the pews are also used for child rape. But to hear Chief Justice Roberts tell it, if you say teaching kids about real shit is more valuable to the state than teaching them how to tithe the churches, that's discrimination. That's a violation of their religious freedom, no less. Not getting my goddamn tax dollars is a violation of their religious freedom. Over and over again in this decision, Robert says that the church has to choose between being a church and getting these public funds. But what the fuck does that even mean?

Well, I mean, you could cease to exist and just be a free-floating playground with no associated buildings, or you could be a church and get double-dip tax exemptions and not have to hire gay people and not have to report where any of your fucking money goes and not have to pay property taxes and not have to offer birth control or your employees or follow any of the other fucking laws you don't like. He laments that

the church is being excluded from this program, quote, strictly because of what it is, a church, end quote, as though that's some de facto charge of discrimination. But all exclusions exclude shit for what they are. That's what that word means. The state of Pennsylvania refused to use funds set aside to refurbish historical landmarks to my project simply because of what it is. A capacious ball pit in my backyard. Save me from this discrimination, Chief Justice Roberts. Look, there's no fucking way to square this goddamn ruling with the establishment clause. If the government can be forced to hand churches money to make capital improvements on their

buildings, there's no goddamn way to argue the government isn't endorsing a religion and it's endorsing one religion. I mean, I'm sure that the supporters here would argue that funds like these will now be available to any religion in Missouri that has a dedicated learning center large enough to require a $20,000 playground resurfacing. Muslim, Sanaria, Hindu, Atheist, anybody. But something tells me that even if somehow a Muslim center qualified, some Missouri bureaucrats are going to move their application to the bottom of the list for some unrelated reason. Because if they didn't, suddenly all the Christians celebrating this decision would have to come face to face with what audacious anti-constitutional horse shit it really is you know not to put too much pressure on your but the wall was already crumbling under our feet

folks and this decision was about a 7.2 on the richter scale of first amendment jurisprudence we've got at least one supreme court justice just dying to knock it down all together and liberal justices that can't be bothered to give a fuck. We've held the line for hundreds of years against this shit, but we've always had that wall to help us out. But don't forget, even when the wall goes down, we still have to hold the line. They're talking about you, Jesus.

We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are two men who can't sit on either side of me in public now without looking like testicles, Heathenwright and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to make fun of eli's head i mean he gets that one wish from that foundation it must make the wish no making fun of the hair i'll go with it i guess whatever i look like darren brown sauce i eat a lot of chinese food i look like i look like darren brown bread all right well i'm gonna need some time to write up a few more shaved head jokes so while i do that

we're gonna take a quick break and hear from this week's sponsor blue apron hey guys it's me heathen right originally eli had a skit planned for our blue Apron ad here, where I go to an all-you-can-eat buffet. But instead, I just wanted to tell you, I actually love Blue Apron, like genuinely love it. When I'm not cooking ramen packs that I got for a nickel, I love delicious cuisine made with fresh ingredients. Unfortunately, though, I live in Pennsylvania, and the state doesn't have a restaurant yet. And that's why Blue Apron,

delivering fresh pre-portioned ingredients straight to my door, makes cooking a snap. This month, while Noah eats, okay, I'm pretty sure it's just Mountain Dew. While Noah eats Mountain Dew and Eli eats like soy, hedge, maize, whatever, I'm eating seared chicken and creamy pasta salad with summer squash and sweet peppers i'm eating creamy shrimp rolls with quick pickles and sweet potato wedges i'm eating fresh basil fettuccine pasta with sweet corn and cubanelle pepper chili butter steaks with parmesan potatoes and spinach so much better amazing amazing recipes and with the flexibility to cancel a delivery if i'm out of town on a certain tour or doing a live show We'll be right back. apron.com slash scathing. You will love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home cooked meals with blue aprons.

So don't wait. That's blue apron.com slash scathing. Okay, Heath. So I'm going to be a ramekin and you're a long Island iced tea for this sketch. Blue apron, a better way to cook.

I'm Ronald r Rammer Kid. Ronnie Rams. Hey, Ronnie. Rawr. Kitchen. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, vocal Muslim reformer Majid Nawaz

spiffed up his evil dimension-looking goatee for an appearance on real time with bill maher last week where he announced a pending defamation suit against the southern poverty law center for including his name on a list of anti-muslim extremists last year now if you'll recall the paper thin and patently insane justification the splc gave for his inclusion was that he once tweeted out a jesus and mo cartoon and was spotted at a strip club that's literally it that is literally all they offer to justify calling him an anti-muslim extremist which i'll remind our audience and new listeners we did and continue to condemn

this awful decision on the otherwise relatively good institution of the splc yeah this one and the i on her cle one yeah and just another quick note for the splc i was looking over your list of anti-republican extremists and you should probably add me and also john wilkes booth we're the same yeah we're exactly the same otherwise love the lists though you guys are super useful with those lists it's great oh i see you fuck up one list all of a sudden n writes on your case i get it i get it no slack now i should point out that nawaz runs a muslim reform group called quilliam international and in his announcement he claimed his inclusion on the list and caused funding problems for his group and i'm no andrew Torres, but that sounds a lot like the whole reason

we have laws against defamation. And the fact that, you know, I don't know, 70% of our audience and 100% of our hosts have been to a strip club and shared a Jesus and Mo cartoon without getting included on the list kind of proves it's utter horseshit. I mean, I feel like if that's the standard, I'm the, like, anti-Muslim, if that's the case, right?

Like we should be some kind of Muslim polar opposite. Like Heath plus Muslim just equals a guy now. That's what happens. Wait, so it's rock, paper, scissors, black guy, black guy, Muslim guy, Heath? Who do I beat again? How does it like, how does the rank? We'll loudly figure it out on the plane to Seattle. Just out loud, top of our voices.

Muslim! Muslim! He's got a bomb! Oh, Jesus. I am TSA Preacher. And look, I want Majid Nawaz to win this lawsuit for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that I'm substantially better qualified for this list than he is, and I'd rather not see Puzzle in a Thunderstorm Entertainment

listed alongside groups like Soldiers of Odin, the Shoebat Foundation, and, this is real, Pig Blood Bullets. That's the name of a group? Yes, it is. She loves that music. The SPLC didn't really have to list that one. I think we could

have figured that one out on our own but i also hope he wins for the sake of the splc and the utility of their list right i mean because we kind of need that either placement on this list is meaningful and this is defamation or this is just a list of people the southern poverty law center wishes were nicer right and i want to acknowledge right now that like some of our listeners are going to have some mixed feelings about that those for whom going on bill maher who had milo on a couple months ago to talk about the harm of speech and your fundraiser to sue the sblc makes them feel icky i mean during that interview they both avoided the n-word i feel like that was a win right that's good right but we have to be clear that argument has nothing to do with defamation

and I think there's some pretty strong evidence of defamation on the part of the SBLC but like yeah but look at who he's talking to talks talks to, doesn't make that go away. And it's important we acknowledge that. Yeah, there is literally no instance in which that would be a valid argument against a point. Right. So you might not like a lot of what Majid said in that interview or generally, but nothing he said should make anyone think his case of defamation doesn't have merit. Everything else is a different story.

Okay, comedy. Comedy. And in grab, there you go. Fart. Always a fart. And in grab them by the coon snooze tonight. Oh, pussy jokes too. Pussy jokes. It's like a queef when you put it all together. We slap you, we bring you back. We slap you, we bring you back. We slap you, we bring you back.

Slap, we slap, slap. Prosperity gospel preacher and happier alternate timeline version of myself, Tond Kootz, has been charged with tax fraud. Seriously, he looks just like me. Wait, and he's the happier version? What the hell have you been charged with, Eli?

Now, for listeners who don't know what prosperity gospel is, it's like church, but with even more blatant taking advantage of poor people. The idea is you give the church money and God rewards you for your investment with magic.

Basically, in the ranking systems built to fuck poor people, it goes payday loans in first place prosperity gospel in second and an actual trap that catches and fucks poor people in third place I feel like that's the next draft of the Senate

healthcare bill right there Mitch McConnell just pulls a sheet off it's a bear trap with dildos EBT card right in the middle. I feel like this could be it. What about this? Here's what's crazy. I was writing a joke about Heath's comment,

and I realized that because of the amount of time it would take to trap, catch, and fuck the individual poor people, dildo bear trap thing would literally be better. Literally be better. Like, if they gave us a choice, they'd be like, I mean, I gotta go with dildo. Bear trap.

22 million people. I do not care what Mad Magazine said. You guys drew the best spy versus spy cartoons. Thank you. Best. Thank you. Anyway, Kuntz who has made his career by offering religious slash

financial advice is now in the running for most ironic writer ever having written books with the following titles these are real quote seven most common money mistakes and how to avoid them whoops seven myths about money what you think you know about money will bankrupt you and my personal favorite please don't repo my car uh no word yet of his book whatever you do don't claim personal shit as a business expense on your taxes they'll get you they'll fucking get you will be released but yeah that's the winner either way definitely look for uh why i wasn't allowed to pass go or keep collecting 200 from stupid people wait i'm still allowed to defraud stupid people from jail i'll be fine

also the heavily redacted six myths about money the other one was true actually you're not allowed to do that but we're not the only ones seeing the fun and some justice finally being served to a man who once said on air you need to plant the 273 recovery seed i'm only giving you two to three minutes to respond u.s attorney jill rose is getting in on the fun as well saying quote as a minister kunz preached about receiving and managing wealth yet he failed to keep his own finances in order kunz will now receive a first-hand lesson in rendering unto caesar that which is due oh shit and uh hopefully

we're talking about a really big cellmate named caesar and in mile high holy days club news tonight an israeli court has ruled that god told me girls are icky is no longer an excuse to ask people to change seats on an airplane this week, removing Lucinda's last excuse not to sit next to me on the way to Australia. Nice try, Lucinda. To be fair, Eli, your

menses are wildly unpredictable sometimes, or whatever's causing that. It's very unpredictable. I think it's probably four chinese food meals a day but that's another story the ruling comes after renee rabinowitz who just guessing isn't an anti-semite sued the airline ll last year for asking her to move to an empty seat so that she didn't accidentally touch the jew she'd been seated next to. Now, to be clear, El Al didn't make her move. They offered her a $200 discount on her next flight

and made it clear that she didn't have to. But it turns out that doesn't make it any more legal because asking someone to be discriminated against voluntarily is still a no-no for some reason. Yeah, and, you know, some of our listeners may be confused by this distinction, so in an effort to explain, we'd like to introduce our newest game show, Make It Black! Hello and welcome to Make It Black, the game show that checks to see if something should be legal. Our first contestant is Martha Henderson from Bayonne, New Jersey.

Tell us a little bit about yourself, Martha. Well, I'm a mother of two and somehow I look like I didn't expect to be on television. You sure do, Martha. You sure do. Next up is Dave Johnson fromson from brank crank illinois dave you excited to be on the show sure am chad this is this is my only nice shirt nothing could be more apparent now the rules i wanted to wear a t-shirt but they wouldn't let me we sure wouldn't now the rules are simple i'll give you a scenario and you buzz it and tell me if it should be legal hands on the buzzers tony and tom are a gay couple um gross wait for it dave they've decided to get married but their local

baker refuses to bake them a wedding cake because they're gay should that be legal yes because because he's a christian oh, that's the bell, Dave. You know what that means. It's time to make it black. Okay, okay. Tony and Tina are a black couple. They decide to get married, but their local baker refuses to bake them a cake

because they're black. Oh, I get it. Yeah, it should not be legal. That is correct. Martha, are you ready to steal? Talk about making it black. You are a wretched woman, Martha. Just wretched.

Okay. Renee was riding on a plane to or from Israel for some godforsaken reason. She's seated next to a gentleman who doesn't want to sit next to her because she's a woman. Should it be legal for the airline to ask her to move because the fact that she's a woman makes her seat made uncomfortable? Martha, should that be legal? Um, yes. Uh-oh, you got the bell too martha looks like we're gonna need you to make it black uh okay um shaniqua unnecessary you said make it black i don't understand the game you you are a

cancer is riding on a plane to or from det. It could still be his. She's seated next to a gentleman who doesn't want to sit next to her because she's black. Should it be legal for the airline to ask her to move because the fact that she's black makes her seat made uncomfortable? 10 seconds, Martha.

Yes, because of the smell. No, I'm sorry, Martha. Yes, because of the smell. No, I'm sorry, Martha. You lose, Dave. You're today's winner, which means you get to keep your active Facebook account. That's all for today, but join us tomorrow for even more Make It Black!

I was just going to use it for minion memes anyways and while I recover from seeing a sketch in Eli's notes titled Make It Black I'll toss things over to my lovely wife Lucin a man wrote the bible a whore is what she wants if it's a legitimate race cooking can be fun hey I'm proud of a man

this week in Misogyny It's one of those bad weeks again. I mean, y'all heard the diatribes, I don't need to tell you why, but it doesn't stop there. So before we dive into the nasty shit, I want to offer up some good news from, of all places, North Carolina, where the Senate is getting around to making rape illegal for realsies this time. The bill, SB 553, reverses a 1979 North Carolina Supreme Court decision, which ruled that a man who rapes a woman can't be convicted of rape if she had initially agreed, but then ask him to stop. And while it's good news, the fact that it took almost 40 years for the Senate to get around to fixing it is pretty fucking despicable.

But before anyone gets uncomfortable with how similar North Carolina is to Egypt, let's distract them by talking about some of the fucked up shit that's going on over there this week. Aw shit, it's an Egyptian cleric saying he wishes Egypt were a bit more like North Carolina. Damn. Yes, Sheikh Mohammed al-Malha, an Egyptian cleric who appeared in a debate about marital rape, behaved, well, the way the For the Motion side of debate about marital rape would be expected to. In fact, he went as far as to say that women are, quote, categorically not allowed to deny their husband's sex. And if they do, they are rebelling against Allah.

And speaking of women getting fucked, I take you now to Missouri. they are rebelling against Allah. And speaking of women getting fucked, I take you now to Missouri. They made my shit list this week for a new bill in the state Senate that would make it legal for employers and landlords to discriminate against women who use birth control or have had abortions.

The bill, which has the support of the governor, passed the state Senate on June 14th in response to an ordinance passed by the city of St. Louis, in which Gretens said it made the area into an abortion sanctuary city. Jesus, how about a few more I'm an idiot buzzwords, guys? Maybe an abortion welfare queen sanctuary city choice Obamacare felt cuck. And to think this time last week, I'd have confidently predicted the courts would strike down this fucking law. So with a

quick reminder that turning the show off now is still illegal in North Carolina, you know, what with your pre-consent and all, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in nunning out the cock news tonight, New York City, the center of the universe, home of the only real pizza, Broadway, and best of all, me. But geographically, kind of like dropping your phone on a full toilet, which the rest of the only real pizza broadway and best of all me but geographically kind of like dropping your phone on a full toilet which the rest of the state continued to prove this week by refusing to allow a bill to come to the floor that would allow young victims of sexual assault to bring civil cases against their assailants until the age of 50 and criminal cases until

the age of 28 you know just in case ayear-old isn't really feeling a rape trial and a bar mitzvah in the same year. Hmm. All right. I mean, that's awful, but it feels like this is on Judaism. Just offer bar mitzvahs until you're 50. Problem solved, right? I mean, like, let's just...

Way ahead of you, Heath. Way ahead of you. I mean, not that I don't agree with the proposed change here, but this seems like a bizarre half measure. Why would we want a statute of limitations. Why would we want a statute of limitation? Why would we want a law that says, okay, put a 29, you still go

from victim to hooker, though? That's a valid point. And who, you may ask, would be against such an obviously good law? If you didn't answer the Catholic Church, you must be new here. Hi, welcome to your first episode of the show. You enjoying it? Heath and I are kind of like the

wacky ones, Noah's in charge, we're doing Book of Mormon in a second, we read it, we do a little Okay, sorry. See? Gets me right back on track. That's right. The Catholic Church, specifically the Catholic League led by a man whose face looks like someone just killed the moon spirit, Bill Donahue, opposed the bill because

in the words of State Senator Brand Hoylman, quote, they think it's going to bankrupt them, end quote. Right. Because it would. Yeah. And then the pedophile tax evasion cult goes away. Oh, no. You guys want to call it? Get some lunch?

Yay. We won the show. Let's go to cheese, cheese, cheese. Yeah. Do the story, Eli. Fine. Gonna miss all the cheese. Cheese, cheese. You're lactose intolerant.

It's about the smell. But, as I said, Cheese, cheese, cheese. But as I said, the state, much like the city, is full of garbage. Human garbage, like state majority leader John Flanagan, who won't allow the bill to come to the floor, largely because city is full of garbage human garbage like state majority leader john flanagan who won't allow the bill to come to the floor largely because of the influence of the catholic church so if any kids are listening especially altar boys heal quickly yep the clock

is ticking and in witches of east wing news tonight in a stunning accidental admission that nobody could fuck up as bad as donald Trump without the help of otherworldly forces, concerned members of the religious right have renewed calls for Christians to focus their Jesus magic on thwarting the witches who are so clearly attacking Trump with a Twitter-based liar-liar type spell. Just Mike Pence standing next to him with a fire extinguisher pointed at his pants. Can never be too careful. next to him with a fire extinguisher pointed at his pants. Can never be too careful. Now, this story comes to us from the only people Mormons can call weird with a straight face,

Pentecostals, who are apparently worried about all the warlocks and whatnots who no doubt gathered against Trump during the solstice. Apparently they, like, turned him into a Newtonback, and the Christians are real pissed. Did they turn him back, Keith? Did they turn him back? Did he get better? He did not get better. So this latest call for bold inaction came from Charisma, a media outlet that services the aforementioned Pentecostals, the religious group that brought us daring venomous snakes to kill you. venomous snakes to kill you.

Anyway, they published an urgent call to prayer because, quote, thousands of witches gathered at midnight Wednesday to cast spells on President Trump as part of a summer solstice ritual. End quote. I feel like these people could watch Mike Pence get booed out of the theater trying to see Wicked and be

equally confused by what actually happened. To be fair, I feel like these people could watch Mike Pence get booed out of a theater and think there was a bunch of ghosts in the room. Like, let's... If we're using that standard. And finally tonight, from the Burger Kingdom file,

in case anyone was wondering whether the fast food chains operating in Saudi Arabia usually pledge their undying love and devotion to the country's royalty. Yes, they do. Yeah. And if you're wondering if that's why McDonald's, Burger King and Domino's Pizza all publicized creepy ass love poems to new crown prince of Saudi Arabia last week. Yes, it is.

And if you're wondering whether the owners of those companies give a fuck about islamic theocracy being a crime against humanity yeah i mean they probably do i'm sure they have weepy talks about it all the time while their butlers wipe their tears and the come off hookers backs with giant stacks of oil money i'm sure it's a lot of crying about it it's a really gross way to get the tears off your hookers. My kids have touched that money. I mean, to be fair, based on Wendy's Twitter, if the Saudi king had asked, they'd probably just get roasted.

But more importantly, money is great, guys. Like, have you tried having lots and lots of money? It really makes literally everything else not matter. I haven't, but I'm willing to. And I really can't stress that enough, how much I will let go of all of my principles for McDonald's money. All of them. Yeah, so the new crown prince of Saudi Arabia

is Mohammed bin Salman. And when he's wearing his uniform, he looks like rolled silverware in Little Italy grew a beard. He does. Seriously? Who didn't do their Saudi Arabian crown princess? This is bullshit, Ashley. Do your side work. Now,

in fairness, that's a standard part of the culture over there. That, you know, look and those types of clothes. So he probably looks at me and says, that guy looks nothing like rolled silverware and a red checker cloth. So maybe I'm weird. Whatever. Some might even use that sentence as evidence thereof.

Regardless, this guy's the new heir to the Saudi throne. And I'm pretty sure he now has a burger-themed king, a pizza-noid, and a ginger clown as fuck-slave mascots. Also known as the best porn cast ever.

And it already exists. You're watching an episode of the Golden Girls, Eli? Mm-hmm. Love that show. And? What's Blanche doing? She's so wack. Oh, so wacky. That was three.

Taught a whole generation that dry vaginas don't exist so again it seems like uh like an ethical corporation they'd see women getting enslaved and lgbt people getting tortured and killed. And maybe think about not doing business in Saudi Arabia. That would, you know, or in the United States, to be fair, pretty much anywhere except Canada. They can't do business at this point. But yeah, the more I think about it in the case of terrible burgers and terrible pizza, it's like a reverse embargo sanction. It's actually a good strategy. Maybe we could threaten Iran with terrible food, too.

Oh, no, please don't send us food, America. No. Just like a chopper over Tehran with big golden arch. They're just like dismantling a nuclear reactor. Sorry, sorry, sorry. a chopper over Tehran with big golden arch. They're just like dismantling a nuclear reactor. Sorry. Point being, we want to help out with some marketing. And since Ramadan, which just ended, is

the toughest time of year for food retailers, we're going to focus on that. Let's put 30 seconds on the clock. Restaurant ads for Ramadan season 2018. Go. All right. McRamadonalds. Why would you expect morality from people who would serve this shit to kids?

Cooking Ramadan with Hadith. It's a double, two point. But, uh, Ramadanino's delivery after dark. Too fast, too furious, and not a moment too Sunni. Fast. Sunni. Yeah, because they're fasting. They're angry about it. How about Berber King?

Have it our way. That's my least geographically accurate joke of the night. I promise. I know that's Northern Africa. Some guy just pulls his headphones out. No, no, man. You were the last holdout for me you were the last holdout I'm so your rangers on the Barbary

coast fuck you man fuck you how about Burger King Amhadal Al Majgeer his glorious name be praised it's not a real king you're a racist you're a racist you thought I named a real person didn't you

alright how about McDonald's is now serving breakfast all day for spite maybe try Judaism Israel's right there check it out try Judaism alright I gotta get back my geography cred here um old fashioned everythings

where's the caliph yeah Yeah, there you go. Where's the calif? I like it. Bell of the taco juice. I had two good ones this week. I had two. But we do three. Oh, juice.

Taco juice. we do three. Oh, Jews. Taco Jews. Then you had to go with the Latin formation. Taco Jews, Bell. That makes no sense.

No, that would be silly. I would have got that. I would have got that. I would have put it together. I had Jumbo Jews in there at one point, and I had to drop that one. All right. I got one more. How about Burger King is... Who let you in the drive-thru? We will cut your clit off.

Sorry. Sorry. Burger King is open late for Ramadan. And quick before Heath puts 30 more seconds on the clock for names of the fgm drive-thru service we're going to close the headlines for the night heath eli thanks as always game where eli tries to make me say something terrible and when we come back joseph smith will be here to bore us to fucking tears again when we last checked in with the book of mormon we zipped through a couple of tiny little chapters that tracked an uninteresting timeline of rulers completely devoid of details that were dictated while Joseph Smith desperately tried to think of something that could happen next in his book.

Well, this week we're cracking open his eventual admission that no, in fact, he could not, and that would be the Book of Mosiah. Yeah, the plot of this is literally the stuff from the show about nothing that george tries to sell to nbc on it is they farm they eat they go to work they read they read on the show in the book in fact the only plot that really happens in the book of mosiah is the one in the thing they read within the book do you leave the plates do you take them i'm asking you i'm asking you and of course this just wouldn't be like sex at all if my wife wasn't here being bored and making snarky comments. So Lucinda, welcome back.

You mean to tell me I could have gotten out of this by faking a fucking headache? God damn it. But you're here now and this is like North Carolina. We started, you can't stop. So you might as well get us going here. Ah, fuck those guys. All right. So this book is going to start us off with King Benjamin.

Who's King Benjamin? I'm sorry, you didn't get the lineage from the last four chapters tattooed Rico Chart style on your forearm? It's your own fault then that your loss isn't. I mean, I did. Duh, it's Benjamin's son of Mosiah whose son will be named Messiah. it's actually it is a handy

mnemonic for that it's uh go fuck yourself there see all right so before we get to the king's just endless address we learned that zarahemla was a a peaceful place throughout all the days of king benjamin read nothing's to happen in this chapter. And that he had three sons with classic, I had to come up with two extra ones on the spot names. There's the titular Mosiah and his brothers

Halorum and Halaman. And Berfnerf and Glow. Okay, Joe. We're going to keep it to three sons now. Fine, fine, fine. Or birth nurse. And then Benjamin spends a couple chapters jizzing himself over how awesome his brass plates are.

Well, to be fair, without the plates, we learn everyone would dwindle in unbelief. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. I was at ReasonCon. We did lots of stuff in unbelief, but dwindle in unbelief yeah that's true yeah i was at reason gone we did lots of stuff in unbelief but uh dwindle was not one of them towards the end towards the end so so benjamin grows old and realizes he's gonna die soon because people come with an expiration date back then apparently so he brings his sons together to impart some final wisdom on them right and this is where ben, son of Mosiah,

appoints his son, Mosiah Go fuck yourself. Right, exactly. Good to remember. Exactly. To be king after him and gives him the plates of Nephi, the sword of Laban, and the magic compass ball. Yeah.

Here, I got these at Comic-Con in this swag bag bag go get your brother so all the people of zarah helma gather to hear king benjamin's farewell address and if you're thinking to yourself well what kind of animals did they sacrifice and how did they orient their tents once they arrived at the temple don't worry the book is going to spend a full eight goddamn verses cluing you in on all of that shit. Yeah. Listen to this quote. And it came to pass that when they came up to the temple, they pitched their tents round about every man, according to his family, consisting of his wife and his sons and his daughters and their sons and their daughters from the eldest down to the youngest every family being separate

one from the other. How would otherwise down from up to down? Oh, but separate. And if those sons and daughters had sons and daughters, they also can't. How many pages? And the daughters

and the sons. How about now? How many pages? And the daughters and the sons. How about now? How many pages are now? Fuck, are you double indenting for block quotes? That makes it much better. Longer that way. So, okay. So he finally gets his speech going, which starts off with a quick reminder of how great he is.

Yeah. And an awful lot of you guys never would have thought of not murdering each other without me locked into this preface here. Okay. Ugh. Like the beginning of our weekly meetings with Andrew. Maybe stop asking if you can murder people. I feel like that's on you. And then Benjamin says, and gee, I hope you guys don't rebel

against my son and faction off and turn black or anything because damn would that be a repetitive and unoriginal place to go with this chapter. It's like a racist game of red light green light i need to point this out the last 10 or 12 verses of this chapter are just him saying you should do the stuff i'm presently telling you to do without ever adding any other instructions right this chapter is a sign that says, read this sign. It's like, read, keep reading this. Keep not, don't not, keep going, sign.

So now we get to chapter three, the new business portion of the speech where he talks to us about things to come. Yeah, and of course, the future events he's predicting are the crucifixion of Jesus. And drink. Yeah. Which makes you wonder why he cites his source as an angel of the Lord that came down to him and not every third chapter of these plates, which we've already established that I have. Guy in the front row keeps interrupting him. And there will be a man named... Jesus.

Right. Jesus. Thank you. Yeah. No, I'm the ancient Mormon version of the guy who read the Game of... Jesus. Right. Jesus. Thank you. Yeah. No, I'm the ancient Mormon version of the guy who read the Game of Thrones book. You're welcome. We do establish here, though, that it's okay to die before you're too young to understand Jesus stuff. Dead babies still get into heaven.

Yeah. See? See? I didn't bet. And that wasn't the point of what Andrew was saying. Don't want to know uh but this boring ass speech carries on into chapter four where we get further details of the Jesus story and its implications yeah well sure because all the people got scared and cried out to him in a single voice how scared they were via a 51 word sentence spontaneously in unison just one guy who hasn't practiced oh how these guys are all my Spanish this is why you come to spontaneous prayer rehearsal

there's also this obvious and you still have my rake moment towards the end too so up until now the whole chapter has been vague instructions like love god and be thankful and the closest has gotten to concrete is take care of the poor but then out of fucking nowhere in verse 28 he says also when you borrow your neighbor's shit you should give it back marcus your neighbor might sin like a motherfucker all over you. It wouldn't be his fault. It'd be yours. Or certain DVDs. I said when I'm done.

Why would I not? I've got to watch them all. And then, again, in one voice, the crowd explains that they believe and follow everything the king has to say up to this point and desire more clarity on how exactly to enter into a covenant with the God. Yeah. Well, yeah, because at the beginning of the chapter, King Benjamin conducts a fucking Rasmussen poem. On a scale from one to ten, how happy would you say you are with the state of our salvation? And then we close this little nothing ass chapter with a reminder that people who borrow other people's rakes and don't give them back and go right the fuck to hell and for all God cares because

that's bullshit. Marcus, so say it the Lord. So everybody decides to be a Christian and King Benjamin individually carves the names of every single person in the country into plates to seal the deal. Okay. Everyone. Alan Bailman.

Bailman. This is going to take forever. I'm a J name. Can I step out of line? No. Okay. Bailman. Mosiah takes over the kingdom while his dad gets to dying. And he's a good

king that tills the earth and shit, which is what makes you a good king I guess. Earth tilling. It's like cooking with a toddler. See I'm helping. Wow what a great king helping. Helping.

Now and if you're thinking to yourself that now that this damn speech is over and the guy in the book it's named after is king it will now be about the guy it's named after. Well, go fuck yourself and meet Ammon. Yeah. And meet him, by the way, via the dumbest goddamn place name that Joseph Smith's mouth has farted up to this point. The land, I shit you not, of Lehi Nephi.

Lehi Nephi. Okay, Joe, what was the city called? Lehi Nephi. I quit the religion. Not even fucking trying, man. Just like spend like 30 seconds. Nephi, Nephi, Nephi. Okay, Nephi, Nephi, that's good.

That's better. Right, so Messiah gets curious about what's going on up in Lehi Nephi. good. That's better. Right. So Messiah gets curious about what's going on up in Lehi Nephi. So he sends Ammon. He being a strong and mighty man. It's in the book. It is. They send him along with 15 strong men to see what's going to happen

next in the book. They wander the wilderness for 40 days and nights to get to Lehi Nephi where they're immediately taken prisoner by the king. Jesus. Limhi. And fuck you. And if we've learned anything from the Book of Mormon so far, these people are not good

sneakers. Not at all. They're just like, they have oboes all the time. People notice. Also, got to add to the stupid names thing here. His brothers are named Amalekai. Pretty sure we used that one. Helm and Hem.

Hem? Helm, Hem. Sorry, what? No, it's two different guys. Helm and Hem. Trail off. Second guy's name is Hem. Trail off.

Right, but when Lemhi figures out who they are he throws a big party for him and tells them about all those fucking laminites with their damn taxes and their blackness he's just a facebook post away about lamanite on lamanite crime from being everyone's racist uncle oh and by the way in case you were thinking that six chapters of king addresses his people that we already got wasn't quite enough no worries because now limhi gathers his people together for another awesome speech by the way does every goddamn speech in this thing have to start with the main bullet points of god's resume right seriously i'm also fluent in french oh really i speak french uh canadian you didn't let me finish and the speech by the way consists of the king saying look we all know why we're unhappy and

suffering so let me explain it in painstaking detail for a few pages and again it's because of all the taxes and the blackness right and. And to be fair, this is pretty harsh. They had to hand over half of their barley to the Lamanites, which is really bad since barley didn't exist in this part of the world. Lamanites must have destroyed that too, I guess. Not the barley. And also, it's pretty heavily hinted that Barack Obama only got elected because he was black. What? Getting elected is a good thing.

He got elected. It's just like that. Yeah. So the speech ends. And just when you're thinking to yourself, man, could this book use another set of plates? We learn about the Jaredite plates. Yep. For kids.

Right? Plate fresh. Which contain all the backstory for the people of Lehi-Nephi ever since Zenith led them out of Zarahelma. There's a sentence for you, Ab. The people of Lehi-Nephi ever since Zenith led them out of Zarahelma. Fuck you. Exactly. So Ammon reads those plates.

So Ammon reads those plates, but then the king tells him about yet another set of plates that his people found in some dead city, but nobody can translate them. Shuffling through giant golden tablets. Fuck, man. We need a binder and a three-hole punch that works on gold. What do we put our women in then? But luckily, Ammon knows just the guy because the Messiah apparently has super translation powers

that go with his throne. Yeah. The worst mutant ever. His name is Cypher and yes, he is terrible. Yeah, you thought you were kidding. Wait, this really...

Yes! And then they tried to make him better because he learned body language to fight all the... The most sarcastically written comic ever. to make him better because he learned body language to fight all the other yetis. The most sarcastically written comic ever.

That's ridiculous. And now we're going to drop back three generations for a 14 chapter regression on the story of Zenith, which we will not be finishing tonight. No. Did the last plates end with doodly-doo?

Might as well. Really? Or the French, ah doodly-doo, with doodly-doo? Might as well. Really? Or the French, ah doodly-doo, ah doodly-doo. So, okay, so apparently Zenith was commanded to go spy on the Lamanites, found out they weren't too bad, then urged his king to make a treaty with him, but the king at that time was a prick and tried to have Zenith killed. Right, so everyone has a big civil war about whether or not we should leave black people alone. It sounds familiar

is what I'm saying. Deja vu. So Zenith sets out to reconquer the lands of his fathers which will become the lands of Lehi Nephi. And if you're wondering what military tactics he used to reclaim that land, it was by

asking the king, hey man, you mind if I put a city here? And that's it. Yeah. The king's like, sure, I'll just make everybody that already lives there leave. He does. So they build a couple of cities. They plant their knees in Sheom and generally minded their own business. Yeah.

And we get more magically disappearing wheat and barley here by the way they disappear farming but of course they were so successful that the king of the lamanites started having second thoughts about giving a big chunk of his kingdom to some random stranger that hated him so he set about enslaving the people of lehi nifa oh that's so layman. It's like the city's name is like Sam Steve. So effortless. So they armed up with God's grace and a lot of anachronistic weapons and went into battle and whipped the fuck out of them greedy Lamanites. And it came to pass that with my Glock 9 millimeter, did I vanquish them? a Glock 9mm, did I vanquish them?

Well, you're close, Heath, because at the start of chapter 10, Zenith tells his people to make every kind of weapon in case they ever need to fight the Lamanites again. Yeah. We need chicken sickles, damn it! Lots of chicken sickles! But no zips, obviously. Okay, one zip,

because every... One zip. We'll do one. And after verse after verse of setup for this war it closes by saying and yeah we won again because we're the good guys yeah right little william wallace here they'll never take our whiteness just a bunch of pepe the frogs come pouring over the hill and and then by the way, Zenith bows out of the plate carving to go die,

and he has the narrative over to his sons. So yeah, now King Noah takes over, who is an evil, hedonistic king that spends his reign in riotous, drunken, fuck-filled reverley. If I had to share a name

with one guy in this book. Yeah, right. I'd go with Nephi, but it's only for the callbacks. Yeah, so he taxes all the people to pay for his harem and his new stiff-necked fuck priests and the whole kingdom went to shit. As they do.

And the wicked king used money for multiple wives and giant palaces of gold and oh shit, it's Salt Lake City, guys. It's Salt Lake City. Are we keeping this? Totally Salt Lake City. Oh, also, Joseph makes his own precious medal up here. Ziff.

I'm convinced that's because he wanted to convince people that his tennis trophies were legitimate. No, this is the Ziff medal. And they owe them a fifth of their Ziff. Is this Dr. fucking Seuss? Hardly belief it. But then the Lamanites come back, and unfortunately, the king's too drunk and mid-coitus

to fight back effectively. I think we've all been there. But they eventually mount a solid defense, kick the shit out of the Lamanites, and then get all prideful. Even when Abaddoni shows up in the narrative to tell them to cut the shit out and give the glory to God.

Abedani? Whatever. Delightful. Another guy who's here to tell the people they're not behaving right. I love this. Yep. Pretty sure Lucinda's gonna die of alcohol poisoning, guys. I just want to throw that out. Drink! And of course, with the king here's Abedani telling them that they're

not righteous enough. He reminds people why you can't trust folks named Noah with absolute power and threatens to execute Abed and I. I've been there on Twitter. I've like once in a while. So Abed and I sets off to disguise himself and preach the word of Moses. And just to give you a quick refresher on how stupid this book actually is, we're now reading the story of Joseph Smith, translating the story of Messiah, telling the story of Ammon, reading the story of Zinab,

telling the story of Midnight, recounting the story of fucking Moses. Well, okay, but it's actually even worse than that, right? Because Zenith died and left the plate carving to his sons. So unless Noah is writing the story of what a miserable and misguided fuck he himself is, we have no fucking idea who's supposed to be telling the story at this point. And if you'll allow me to summarize Abedne's prophecies, God's going to fuck you all up. Yep. All the way up.

He does this while remaining disguised for two years, apparently. Yeah, like a Chinese magician. Call forward! But eventually, they toss him in prison and the king's men question him about all his doomsaying and shit, hoping they could trip him up and prove that he wasn't really a prophet. But alas, they fail because how the fuck would that even work?

We're still, they like, ask him what Isaiah means, and at first he's like fuck you you say you're priests you tell me what it means i'm testing you and they seem to be fine with that right so the guy he's got a point we don't already know why should he tell us why he's mad that's so silly so the king orders that a bit and i uh be executed but he uses his magic god powers to make himself unexecutable like a chinese magician he gets it he gets it people are gonna love these jokes in a couple of weeks assuming they listen to citation needed and then come back wait for for it. Three weeks.

It's here that Abednai makes a strange decision. He says, Nope, I haven't told you guys all the good stuff that God told me to tell you, and until I do, God's going to make me invincible. Anyway, here's all that stuff I'm supposed to tell you. What? Okay. Okay. So he recites

the commandments, then bitches at the king's priest for not knowing them and not teaching all the people about pre-Jesus. Drink! Okay, seriously, guys, some kind of intervention of some kind. And then Abednai paraphrases Isaiah 53 for an entire chapter. Because you just can't have enough characters paraphrasing Isaiah 53. And as bizarre a place as this is to cut things off,

fuck it. We made it halfway through Messiah, guys. It's 28. We made it 14. It would make so much more sense to go another three chapters and get through the whole

Abed and I story, but damn it. We read through half this stupid fucking thing. We have earned a three-week break from the Book of Mormon. So if you've wrecked

with suspense over what Isaiah and prophecy Abed and I will misinterpret next you just have to wait three weeks for the next book of moron segment or read it for yourself which is definitely worse don't do it great before we assume our ultimate form tonight i want to thank friend of the show andrew torres for talking me through the implications of the trinity lutheran decision and saving me the fate of tossing out some armchair

legal analysis that didn't match up to the facts. Incidentally, if you want to learn more about the implications of the case from an actual person who actually knows what they're talking about, I have it on good authority that tomorrow's episode of the Opening Arguments podcast is going to go into that in some detail. So if you haven't already started listening to Andrew's show, there has never been a better time to jump in. Also, don't forget, Godawful Movies is live in Seattle next weekend. That's July 8th. Tickets are still on sale. And you can even watch the movie with us the night before with our platinum package. Check out scathingatheist.com for details.

Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight, but we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday, and an even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend's Brazilian cousin,uting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday and an even newer episode of our sister show's Hot Friends Brazilian cousin Citation Needed debuting at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show wouldn't count towards our stats if I didn't thank Heath Enright for continually assuring me that no, it's the world that's gone insane, not me.

Thanks to the lovely Lucinda Lusions for helping me hold on to that tenuous thread of sanity. Thanks to Eli Bosnick for making sure that no matter what happens, I'll always look sane in comparison. Thanks to Mr. Oz, Atheist and Godless Mom from the Common Heathens podcast for providing this week's Farnsworth quote many, many months ago. Obviously, we'll have their show linked in the show notes as well. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most marvelous mammals, Alexander, Greg, Zach, Alan, Matthew, Fingertooth, Art, Corey, Natasha, Other, Natasha,

Sith Lord, Sexy Pants, Nathaniel, Below Expectations, David, Emily, and Jack. Alexander, Greg, Zach, Alan, and Matthew, whose ejaculations are so destructive, Miley Cyrus wrote a song about their balls. Fingertooth Art, Corey, Natasha, Other Natasha, and Sith Lord Sexy Pants, who are the explicit content the MPAA warned you about, and Nathaniel Below Expectations,

David, Emily, and Jack, whose IQs have so many digits they've been named honorary polydactyls. Together, these 15 people, arts disappointments, and salacious trousers join forces to forestall the forceful fuckery of the faithful this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the internationally renowned genitals it takes to

give us money, but if you think your junk is up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was

used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scalingadius.com. you said it should i not make fun of the leukemia whatever you said it would look nice the preceding podcast was a production of puzzle in a thunderstorm llc copyright 2017 all rights reserved