The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 229: Pell to Pay Edition

Episode Date: July 6, 2017

In this week’s episode, the SVU writers start work on their Cardinal Pell episode, bars in Utah become a little bit less like Japanese porn, and Australia is only so atheist because we took their boat-building zealots. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Headlines: Cardinal Pell gets charged: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/28/australian-cardinal-is-highest-ranking-vatican-official-charged-with-sex-abuse/ No religion is australia’s top religion http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/27/no-religion-is-now-officially-australias-top-religion/ Woman throws handful of coins into a plane to pray for luck http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/27/flight-delayed-after-woman-throws-coins-in-engine-to-pray-for-safety/ Daycare owners caught up in satanic panic finally exonerated: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/22/satanic-day-care-couple-fully-exonerated-after-wrongful-convictions/ Flat earthers stupid billboard http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/07/01/flat-earthers-just-put-up-another-self-defeating-billboard-in-tulsa/ Egyptian cleric says FGM is good for the economy http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/07/01/egyptian-cleric-says-female-genital-mutilation-is-good-for-the-economy/ Guy who ran over the stupid ten commandments thing http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/06/28/a-christian-man-vandalized-the-ten-commandments-monument-at-the-arkansas-capitol/ Zion curtains law repealed: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/07/02/utahs-irrational-zion-curtains-law-is-no-longer-in-effect/

Warning, Lucinda isn't here to keep us reined in this week. This week's episode of The Skating Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com and by our Jeff Sessions in five words or less contest. Today's winner is Arthur, who had permanently startled pitch drop homunculus. Well done, Arthur. And the game continues. Please keep sending us your best five words or less using the hashtag SessionsSkathed, and you could be

the next winner. And now, the skating acres. Hi, this is Cassis, or as Eli says, Cassis. And I just wanted to remind you all, we did in fact evolve from filthy monkey men. it's thursday it's july 6th And marijuana is legal in this state, but apparently bathing is not. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick.

I'm Heath Enright. And from Port Townsend, Washington, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, the SVU writers start work on their Cardinal Pell episode. Bars in Utah become a little bit less like Japanese porn. And Australia is only so atheist because we took their boat building zealots. First, the diatribe. There's a class of accusations that are hard to defend oneself against no matter how good one's evidence is. You're too argumentative, for example. Doesn't really matter what you offer up in your defense there.

One way or the other, you're going to be working against your overall point well same kind of situation for atheism this week as the conservative news sites all pounced on a new study that according to their grossly misleading headlines proved that atheists were more closed-minded than religious people now that's almost definitionally untrue so no doubt as soon as you saw that or if you hadn't seen it as soon as you heard me say it, your response was, oh, bullshit. But isn't that exactly what one of them close-minded atheists would say upon finding new information? All right. So before we dive into the headline and the study that it's based on, I want to dig into the term close-minded a little bit, because even though it's exclusively used as a pejorative, there's nothing in the

definition that demands that. Right. Like making open minded and aspiration is no more sensible than calling faith a virtue. But as a society, we consistently fail to recognize that. All right. So according to Merriam Webster, closed minded means not willing to consider different ideas or opinions. Now, at a glance, that does seem like something that should be avoided. Right.

Now, at a glance, that does seem like something that should be avoided. Right. But keep in mind that there's no stipulation in that definition about how much evidence or plausibility that different idea or opinion comes with. So, you know, I mean, rejecting your uncle's historical theory of white superiority without researchingotherapy would be closed minded. Refusing to seriously entertain the historicity of the Book of Mormon is closed minded. And yet any person who aspires to rationality shouldn't hesitate to do any of those things. Now, what's interesting here is that we didn't demonize closed minded because we lacked a more specific term. Right. I mean, if we wanted to separate out just the negative aspects of being closed-minded, we could talk about how dogmatic a person is. Now, Merriam-Webster defines that as characterized by or given to the expression of opinions very strongly or positively as if they were facts. That's where closed-minded turns into a detriment, right? When the source of the closure isn't based on a factual understanding. If you're closed-minded because you have enough knowledge to assign prior probability you're just thinking correctly if you're closed-minded because the

bible done told you otherwise you're acting like a fucking idiot so with that distinction in hand let's turn to the actual study now like virtually all reporting on scientific studies the media did a terrible job on this one you know obviously the far- right shit rags were going nuts with it. The Daily Caller says, study colon, atheists are more closed-minded than the religious. The headline from The Blaze promises, religious people are more tolerant, open-minded than atheists, new study finds. But even more mainstream outlets like The Independent were getting it wrong with headlines like, atheists are less open-minded than religious people study claims in fact virtually nothing written about this study contradicts those kind of headlines unless you count the abstract because that's not at all what this fucking study showed in fact what it actually showed was that

religious people were more close-minded than atheists but there's more wrong with the headlines than the mere fact that they're the exact opposite of the truth the real takeaway from the data which appears to have escaped even the researchers, is that atheists are better at determining when closed-minded is a detriment to rational thought. All right, so the study itself is an online questionnaire where all the best science happens. They compared the answers from 788 respondents in France, Spain, and the UK. 445 of them were atheists, 255 were Christians, and then they routed it up with a little you know

a couple Buddhists and Muslims and Jews to make those guys feel like they matter too the researchers divided closed-minded up into three sections now from the abstract quote one self-reported dogmatism defined as unjustified certainty versus not standing for any beliefs two intolerance of contradiction measured through low endorsement of contradictory statements. And three, low readiness to take a different from one's own perspective. Sick. End quote. Now, surprise, surprise, when it comes to that first one, religious people scored way higher when it comes to unjustified certainty. They tended to answer no when asked whether they would adjust their opinion if new evidence was presented to them. This is what we call the bad end of being closed-minded or dogmatic.

And there is nothing in the study to suggest that atheists are worse than religious people in those terms. It's in these other two categories that atheists prove themselves to be more closed-minded than their religious counterparts. And when you look at what these sections studied, it portrays the entire study to be a farce from a catholic university trying to make themselves seem less stupid i mean the second segment is literally testing for one's willingness to simultaneously agree with contradictory statements right like literal electric monk shit here the fact that atheists are less likely to believe that a both equals and does not equal b as the first piece of evidence to support the atheists are more close minded conclusion. Why the fuck would that be in this study? Right now, the third category is more meaningful and it's closer to something that actually belongs here.

It seeks to measure confirmation bias by way of a common psychological test that assesses how many arguments you can come up with in favor and opposed to your opinion. Now, this is actually a meaningful test most of the time, right? The ability to articulate the arguments against your own opinion as a pretty good indicator that a person is able to work through an argument with an open mind. If we're comparing how open-minded French and Italian people were or how open-minded men versus women were, this would be a good tool to have in our belt. The problem is that this study started off by dividing the groups based on whether or not they were correct on a particular question. Right. I mean, you can't just treat the religious group in the non-religious group the same in terms of their ability to evaluate evidence because God doesn't fucking exist.

Right. The experimental design required creating a confounding variable. The category of people more able to come up with arguments in favor of their position were also the group most likely to correctly assess data. So, yeah, I mean, it could be that they were more prone to confirmation bias, but it could also be because they were more likely to side with the position that had the better arguments. And since we drew the categories in such a way as to guarantee the latter, we can feel pretty confident dismissing the former. So bottom line, who's more closed-minded, atheists or religious people? Well, it depends on what you mean when you ask. If you mean closed-minded in a negative way, it's the religious. If you mean it in the sense of the ability to accept things as contradictory as this study's conclusions and the evidence it was based on, it's us. And that's a label I'll wear with pride. They're talking about you, Jesus.

We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are two gentlemen that have sampled the thunder stick, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to try to explain to the world what it's like to be around Eli when he's high? Like, all the way high. Like, four octaves higher. It was delightful.

Not a question I can answer, obviously, but I hear I'm a delight. Yeah, well, unfortunately, none of my descriptions of your behavior would be legal to say on air, so we'll pause while I tell Eli what he did for a quick word from this week's sponsor, Stamps.com.

Hey, Inside Out little girl. What's the matter? Oh, hi, Eli. I've just received so many get well soon cards and I would love to write back, but the post office is such a hassle. Oh, yeah, I bet. I've got to keep all my letters in my head and tape my lungs to my body so nobody steps on them. There's got to be a better way. Well, have you tried stamps.com?

Stamps.com? What's that? It's like having a post office right at your desk. I'm sorry, speak up. My ears are on the inside. Oh, um, it's like having the post office. Okay, okay, well don't shout. My liver is right there. At your desk.

Oh, oh, oh, how so? Well, you can buy and print official U.S. postage for any letter, any package, any class of mail using your own computer and printer. But my knuckles go inwards. They do. That's okay. No, it's not. Okay. I meant for Stamps.com because Stamps.com makes it easy.

They send you a digital scale that automatically calculates exact postage. Stamps.com will even help you decide the best class of mail based on your needs. And I could send all my letters? You sure could. We even use it for all the Patreon fulfillment for our shows. Okay, I'll give it a try. Good, because right now, you too can enjoy the Stamps.com service with a special offer that includes a four-week trial,

plus postage and a digital scale, without long-term commitments. Go to Stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage, and type in scathing. That's stamps.com, enter scathing. Stamps.com. Never go to the post office again. That's good because people stare. They do.

I keep my heart in my armpit. You sure do, Inside Out little girl. You sure do. And now, back to the headlines in our lead story tonight from the burnin pell file after years of alleged rape and torture of children and a giant cover-up of of either doing that stuff or maybe the cover-up was about nothing after all that followed entirely coincidentally with one of those i can't go back to my country to testify about what i did flus that are going around australian priest and first attempt at a

sculpture of a child rapist made out of chewing gum cardinal george pell has finally been charged with sexual assault making the highest ranking vatican official to be charged with that in the church's long and storied history of kid fucking. He must be so proud. It's like hearing the first Oompa Loompa has been brought in for questioning about all those kids that died on that camp. That was a book about children who die for

behaving like children. He didn't care for Jews. No? No. Or fat kids. Did not like Jews. Hmm. Alright, so, as you might have guessed bell has denied these allegations and proven his innocence by behaving like a cartoon villain if the cartoon was super rapey so so like a japanese cartoon villain his totally innocent behavior includes campaigning openly against victims' rights, allegedly destroying

evidence and covering up for abuse, and of course, coming down with the aforementioned sniffles. And just to recap, those were the sniffles that left him unable to return to Australia and speak with the Royal Commission into Institutional Responses to Child Sexual Abuse

that lots of innocent people get asked to attend. Yeah, all the time. You going to the Nuremberg trials? Nah, I was invited, but those things are so political nowadays, and it's just like, ugh, a carpet. I am happy to say, sniffles be damned, he's taken Tim Minchin up on his offer this time, and he's heading back to clear his name.

And to the credit of Catholics everywhere, they've already started crowdfunding his legal defense because just tithing to the church was indirectly funding the continuation of child sex abuse and they wanted to get all the way involved fist deep a child yes so the uh the criminal charge is definitely good news but let's keep in mind that pell has not yet been convicted. And just in case anyone's keeping score at home, this would actually not be the first time a Catholic leader got away with covering up rape. Nor would it be like the hundredth.

What I'm saying is we need like a Scooby-Doo gang for kid fucking. A Japanese Scooby-Doo. It's the same show except Shaggy's always trying to eat scooby and in putting the sense back in census news tonight we turn to the silver lining around the dark cloud a kid fucking that perpetually hovers around cardinal bitless spulk and and and that would be the rapidly decreasing religiosity of australia according to data from the nation's 2016 census no religion now represents the plurality of australia according to data from the nation's 2016 census no religion now represents the plurality of australians beating out their next nearest competitor by

more than seven percent oh dance back sweden let's get some pogroms going come on they're like europe's canada right there's a bunch of really polite christian fundamentalists rounding themselves up for extermination. This is better. We should do this. Our language sounds like a stroke. Now, I should be clear to everyone who just skimmed the headlines on this one that the majority of Australians are still Christians. OK, and it's not until you start divvying them up into like Catholic and Anglican and other type of Christian that no religion ends up winning out. I should also emphasize that no religion does not equal atheist, as this number also factors in all those spiritual but not religious idiots. All that being said, it's still cause for celebration for Australia's atheists and atheists around the world that might be looking for a new country.

If they're white enough for Australia to let them in, obviously. Australia, the only thing that won't kill you here is God. Alright, so, you know me, I'd never pick a fight with an animal, but I feel like you guys are going to walk out of a bar in Sydney. I'm on the ground like a football spike, but go ahead. No, go ahead. Let me interrupt you. What I'm saying is, like, it's

possible. I feel like you're going to walk out of a bar in Sydney and there's going to be a kangaroo in an Ed Hardy shirt standing over me, and just just like, if he dies, he dies. Yeah. At least it won't have a gun, though. Yes, that's the difference between Australian marsupials and American ones, yeah. We should also offer up a thanks and a congratulations,

by the way, to the Atheist Foundation of Australia for their multi-year campaign to educate Australian non-believers on the importance of being counted. We should also tip our hats to the Australian census itself, which reformatted the question this year to make it a bit clearer that no religion the importance of being counted. We should also tip our hats to the Australian census itself, which reformatted the question this year to make it a bit clearer that no religion was one of your options, and then they rearranged the answers so that no religion

appears first on the list of potential answers, just like all the none answers to every other fucking question on the census. How many kids do you have? Ten? Nine? Yeah, right. Three. Three. I have 3, god. Getting all the way down to F. And in good luck Chuck

news tonight, an 80-year-old woman forced the evacuation of 150 passengers on a Shanghai flight this week, when as she was crossing the tarmac to board the plane, she threw a handful of change into the plane's engine for good luck. Oh, god. As is Buddhist custom. Is it? That's engine for good luck. Oh, God.

As is Buddhist custom. Is it? That's a custom there? We'll get there. We'll get there. Very prophetic book. That's why we haven't done it yet. And thus condemning herself to the special circle of atheists

tell that we invented along with the two women who decided to bring babies on our recent flight to Seattle. Two babies. Two. Two. One right behind us. Immediately. That pokes a hole in the

atheist argument from evil, though. If those babies get cancer, God makes a lot of sense. And speaking of baby cancer, I know there's a lot of ways I could go with this, but speaking of baby cancer, only reason to take a six-month-old on a fucking plane if you're not an asshole. Specialist and a ticking clock.

Oh, grandma wants to hold her one more time before she dies? Fuck grandma. Hide her glasses and hand her a fucking cabbage patch, kid. She's 78. She's going to know. She's going to know if you just picked up a random fucking baby or if that's really her blood. Give me a fucking break. You got to borrow a baby, though.

I feel like, I mean, we're in business. Anyway, Noah just handing that woman a binky made of uranium. Fun fact, no TSA regulation forbids you from bringing one of those on a plane. That is a fun fact. Put it in a plastic bag. That uranium?

As long as it's not more than three ounces of uranium. Yeah, exactly. Now, for clarity, I should point out that it is not Buddhist custom to throw coins into the engines of planes. Though, I think I speak for all of us when I say if it was, that would be pretty amazing. The ritual of throwing change is usually done at like Buddhist shrines, temples, and fountains for good luck. However, if one of your coins lands in a fountain, unlike a plane engine, there's no chance the fountain will seize and explode, killing a bunch of people. Okay, so I'm saying the airline gets to chop her hand off and she finally gets to know the sound of the other one clapping. It's win-win.

That's fair. Whoever has the oldest penny can have this lady's hand. The woman who was riding with her husband and children was temporarily taken into custody and has since been released without charges. We assume as long as she promised not to pour some coins into the gas tank on the way home. I think I speak for all of us when I say

I would pour every UNICEF box in the world into every engine on the plane and try to fly the thing myself if it meant never riding in front of a baby again. Amen. And in Keller High Water news tonight, Dan and Fran Keller are a couple with rhyming first names, and that is by far the worst thing about them.

I mean, that's pretty bad, though. Yeah. Real. We might also have a cat that kind of looks like them, but other than those two things, it appeared to be pleasant, law-abiding people. Nonetheless, about 25 years ago, some lunatic Christian people falsely accused the Kellers of running a satanic daycare complete with human sacrifice, blood drinking, child orgies, and cutting the finger off a local gorilla.

What? And the couple was sentenced to 48 years in prison for that. child orgies and cutting the finger off a local gorilla. What? The couple was sentenced to 48 years in prison for that. Okay. Well, how many years in prison did they get for the name thing? I'm just, I'm being open.

Like you sometimes got to wrap charges and you got to feel like I need to grab Andrew for this one. Cause I feel like the judge is just winging it on the gorilla be fingering though. I just can't imagine there are sentencing guidelines for when you be finger a gorilla. So as you might have guessed, this is all part of the satanic panic, a literal witch and warlock hunt of national scope that happened during the 80s and early 90s based on Christian paranoia. And the Kellers became involved when Dan was accused of spanking one of the three-year-olds at their daycare. At which point the kid was repeatedly asked, and then what happened by fucking crazy people. So the story magically got bigger and started to include extra stuff like pedophile orgies, disemboweling a baby.

And I'm going to repeat this one more time, cutting the finger off a gorilla in a local park. I'm going to be be honest that seems like the easiest to disprove just like yeah check the local park for nine fingered right i'm not why are there still 10 fingered monkeys checkmate satanic panickers yeah that's me and ari stillman's new show the satanic anyway one other detail of the allegations the kellers were accused of flying the children to mexico to be assaulted by military officials for which again there was no evidence plus why would the satanic people want to share the kids with the mexican army doesn't make sense no i hear it

was to secure a down payment on a wall i But still though, even if it was, satanic transport of children happens through underground tunnels. Not airplanes. I've played enough ping pong. I know how this shit works. So, despite complete lack of evidence and despite common fucking sense,

the Kellers were convicted in 1992. But fortunately, thanks to a huge amount of time and effort with legal battles, they finally got exonerated by the state of Texas last week. And now they can apply for $1.68 million each in wrongful jailing payment. Which, honestly, it feels kind of like a bullshit consolation prize after serving 21 years in prison because of a government-subsidized group of bad epistemologists who, as of last week, are now immune to the First Amendment.

Well, not so much immune as the state now has a favorite church. Still separate, just favorite. Yeah, exactly. But to be fair, that church was already established. They were here first. And in the More You Globe news tonight, there are many great injustices in the world today. Poverty, starvation,

and the number of flat earth billboards that exist while Noah still won't let me buy one that says I can fuck away your Lyme disease. I'm not saying I would agree to it if you changed the logo to something other than you slapping a deer tick with your cock, but changing that certainly wouldn't make it less likely.

No deal. I feel like we're still waiting on the results from clinical testing, though. Let's be good skeptics, and then we can... I refuse to get tested. I feel fine. Good policy. So, it is with a heavy heart this week that we report that the number increased yet again when a Flat Earther Facebook group in Tulsa, Oklahoma

paid the measly 1500 required to increase their lead even further okay but to be fair the shape of the earth affects way more people each year than lyme disease so that's true important does it i don't think it does google it the billboard which has two pictures of earth one of which was ironically taken from fucking space and appear to show the curvature of the earth on one side and a closer picture of the curvature of the earth aimed at convincing stupid people that that's not what they're seeing says is the earth flat research flat earth so i mean to be fair it's actually an anti-flat earth billboard if if you do what they say yeah right yeah all billboards are anti-flat earth if they get you to research flat earth i'd be like

yeah right also all the ones that disappear as you get further away ghost billboards they're in on it exactly google it but the real story here is that we're losing and you can make the difference. So please check the show notes of this episode for our brand new GoFundMe. Wait, what? ICanFuckAwayYourLymeDisease.com and its associated series of billboards, t-shirts, mugs, and body pillows. We got body pillows?

Cue music. What? Hi, I'm Eli Bosnick from ICanFuckAwayYourLymeDisease.com. Do you suffer from actual Lyme disease? Lyme disease. Go to a doctor. That shit is dangerous and on the rise. Serious. But if you suffer from chronic Lyme disease.

Not a thing. A made-up condition that pseudoscientists have been pushing for years to endanger and con vulnerable people, many of whom are suffering from an actual real condition, do I have the cure for you. I can fuckawayyourlimedisease.com We offer a variety of treatments. Fuck treatments. Missionary.

That's it, I get tired. Can confirm. Hurtful, this is why you're not on the show. Icanfuckawayyourlimedisease.com can confirm hurtful this is why you're not on the show I can fuck away your Lyme disease dot com cause if you're gonna get fucked get fucked and in FGM don't send Eli money for that by the way and in FGM

news tonight Lucinda is unable to join us this week so i guess i'll take up her mantle on the boy do we love slicing clits off story of the week wait wait which side are we coming out on you'll find out you'll find out and this one comes to us from egyptian cleric sheik abdal wahaba malagi who offered up a rarely heard keynesian argument for female genital mutilation and like all good economic analyses it apparently rests on the thick helping of ravenous jew hate like a jay-z album how do we own all the land jay-z how do we i didn't get the memo oh okay so hold on you said it was keynesian and anti-Semitic at the same time?

So, we're talking about a government subsidy for FGM paid for with a bris tax? I feel like that would be a recession for brises, but like a boom for FGM? No, no. You've actually put way more thought into it than this guy. So, this one comes to us from the Friendly Atheist blog via a March appearance on Al-Saha Wal-Jamal TV. And during this appearance, Al-Maliki promised to justify FGM from a medical, religious, economic, and historical perspective. Now, he starts off with what I assume is his historical argument, which seems to be that thes are trying to take over the world now if you're wondering how he's going to connect that to lopping the clits off of children you don't know

how religious brains work the argument seems to simply be jews want to take over the world therefore clits need to go open-minded okay but to be fair in his defense who do you guys think runs all the sex toy companies um weirdos yeah weirdos no i mean the guy who came up with the flashlight though that was brilliant also a weirdo well that too here's a tube you should fuck it see yeah that's weird i have to say that his uh fuck the jews argument is nothing compared to his points on the economic slash medical front and not just because the first argument literally was nothing you see in addition to the jews starting all the wars he also points out that women without clits don't get any of

those weird clit diseases that cost the state so much money to treat it don't well just like if you cut off everybody's hands you could save a lot of money on arthritis medicine except that arthritis is a real thing that people get all the time and stuff did you wash your hands no need my friend no need now pick up my pants and let's go you know what's costing the world lots of money to treat uh islam now i don't feel like i need to point this out but i'm going to anyway there is no evidence whatsoever that fgm leads to a reduction in any disease or medical malady there is plenty of evidence that chopping off chunks of a woman's genitals causes myriad medical complications that are both expensive and painful. Also, even if everything he said wasn't wrong,

he'd still be wrong since preventative medicine is not a valid excuse for torture. Yes. What we're saying is don't vaccinate your kids. We could not more be not saying that. I mean, a third of us is saying that. I don't know.

Not, not once the edit's done. Zero votes. And in 10 commandments news thank you man less than 24 hours after arkansas's blatantly unconstitutional 10 commandments monument graced the lawn of the state capitol born again christian self-described jesus freak and hero that gotham needs michael tayate Reid destroyed it with his Dodge Dart. Oh.

If you're not picturing fat guy in a red hat doing the just keep driving thing from Thelma and Louise with his imaginary friend that isn't there, you should be. Because I'm pretty sure that's what happened. And even if it's not, that's still what you should be picturing. Maybe even draw it or Photoshop it and tweet it to us.

Reid, who many speculate has a habit of driving his car into unconstitutional statues, wrote about what he was going to do on Facebook in the days and hours leading up to the vandalism, saying quote, our constitutional rights have been violated and since no one will do anything about it, I will.

End quote. It shows the tasteful white font on the black background of Facebook's automatic meme slash text maker. By the way, if anyone's wondering, he went classy. Yeah, so I can't tell which team he's on, but either way I think we can all agree the message

would have been stronger if he drove his car into the Trinity Lutheran playground. If we were given notes, that would have, I feel like, message-wise. Would that be like a don't take these little fuckers on airplanes type of message? I meant to donate his tires. Oh, of course. To some skulls.

Now, Reid even started a GoFundMe for a new car hours before the destruction of the monument with the description, I need a new car now, checkmate. So, yeah, innocent until proven awesome, but I'm pretty sure he did it, guys. Some chess players would notice that. Give some money, what?

Now, I should point out for anyone who may be disapprovingly shaking their head at vigilante displays of constitutionality that the FFRF and two-thirds of this podcast have condemned this act outright. And the FFRF has released a statement that says, quote, FFRF does not condone violating the Constitution by erecting Ten Commandments monument on Arkansas Capitol grounds, nor do we condone breaking the law to remove such a display. There is no need to resort to criminal behavior to uphold the Constitution. End quote. Not adding. But I mean, thanks for saving us the time, the legal fees and the paperwork.

But just to be perfectly clear here, what we're saying is. End quote. Not adding, but I mean, thanks for saving us the time, the legal fees and the paperwork. You can. But just to be perfectly clear here, what we're saying is it is not okay to punch a Ten Commandments monument in the face. Two thirds of us are saying that. All the ones of us who control the editing are saying. Don't vaccinate. And finally tonight, from the moist county file, we have some good stupid news out of Utah. And as usual, that means the Mormons did something stupid and then reasonable people canceled it. So that's the good part.

I will not let this show become a hate platform against the nine seasons of TV miracle that was Sister Wives. Okay. It's not that. Very well. Carry on. Okay. Very well, carry on. Okay, with Eli's permission now, as of last weekend, the Zion Curtains Law has been repealed. Bars and restaurants in Utah

are no longer required to have a blurry plexiglass wall in front of their bar blocking the customers from seeing the sinister process of pouring stuff into glasses. How am I supposed to explain consuming beverages to my kids, huh? How?

So just for the record, until now, the state of Utah has been less progressive than the opening scene of International Gorillas. Throw that out there. All right. So here's how it was supposed to work i guess the mormons thought it was fine to have bars and alcohol in utah and it's fine for people to go there as long as there wasn't a clear view of the bartender's hands actually like cooking the meth and making the drinks because that's where the line should go um okay so you know how crack houses

are fine yes and and noah you know how crack houses are fine? Yes. And Noah, you know how they only show the crack whores doing their jobs from the waist up when kids are in there? Also, yes. Well, it's like that. I guess it makes sense. Only one of the many ways you could finish the Mormonism is like a child watching a crack whore at work analogy. By far the weirdest SAT question, by the way. Thomas takes the whore exam. Yes. Let's buy Thomas a whore at work analogy. By far the weirdest SAT question, by the way. Thomas takes the whore exam. Let's buy Thomas a whore.

I mean, his wife is pregnant. He probably could use a whore right now. Yeah. Fuck Thomas's wife. She's way pregnant. Yeah. So, apparently this was... Gofundme.com

forward slash Thomas takes the whore exam. So, apparently this was meant to be a safeguard against kids being seduced by the glamour of bartending. Here's the thing, though. TGI Fridays, and I can't tell you how many little kids I mentored into the glamorous life of wearing suspenders and flare buttons while helping poor people waste their rent money on the upcharge for the ultimate Long Island iced tea on their 20th anniversary. It's a fun time. Okay, kids, today we're going to learn a little trick I call pressing the water button with the back of your thumb while pretending to press the soda button with the front. But trust me, I would have still been running that after school program with or without a piece of blurry plastic over

my hands. Actually, it might have been worse for lots of people's drinks if I had that feature available. It's dumb law is what I'm saying. It doesn't really help. Certainly wouldn't have cut down the amount of times I served a bachelorette party a free round of water and shot glasses. Fun fact, least felonious thing Eli has ever served to a bachelorette party.

I give town halls now. Okay. Well, congratulations to Utah on finally allowing its residents to experience the pure, unadulterated glory that is moving liquid ethanol between containers. Hopefully this inspires a new generation, especially in terms of pornography, obviously. So we're going to need 30 seconds on the clock. Mormon alcohol porn.

Go. Sister wines. Amazing. Raging home mojitos. Rimmed with salt Lake City. Rimmed with salt, Lake City. Rimmed and margaritas. Plates, showers, and schlager, the golden trio.

Nasty, natty, light drinking, nephite nymphos. Irish coffee. I think that would just blow their minds. It's like the two things. They just come. You show them an Irish coffee, they all come. All holes filled with hard cocktail? The Triple L, Lamanite, Lust, and Limoncello.

All right, I got one more. How about, Binders of Girls, One Pint Glass. And now that the fat lady has sung once again, I guess the headlines can close for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. That was a disingenuous laugh. My last joke. Whatever. Salt to cereal. And when we come back, the Book of Mormon will have not gotten any better

again. Check out our brand new illustrated diatribe over on our YouTube channel. Take a look. Angelo Madrid did an incredible job, and we can't wait to bring more of these things to you. If you'd like to make that happen all the quicker, we're only a couple hundred bucks away from making it happen on our Patreon page. So check out patreon.com slash scathing atheist and chip in to get even more scathing to enjoy with your eyeballs. And if you don't care about animated diatribes, but you've been meaning to give a raise to your favorite podcasters, you get an early ad-free extended version of every episode along with an RSS feed you can use on any podcast player. And now, back to the show. Last time on Moment Peace Theater. And they're off.

Enos hands the plates to Nephi, who passes them to Jerome. Who throws the story to Omni? Who passes it to Ammaron? Who fumbles it? But it's picked up by Chemesh. Chemesh takes the story and passes it to Abinadim. Who tosses it to Amalekai? And it looks like he's gonna run with the story of Mosiah in Zeramiah,

but oh no, he drops the story, which is picked up by Mormon's son of Mormon. And it's touchdown Lamanites, I think. And now, this week's installment of Mormon Peace Theater. Wait, is this a flashback? Yeah, I think so. To when? To when?

No fucking idea. Something about Zeramiah? Well, wait, that's after the last stuff, though, right? Is the Akalakakai guy still telling the story? You guys want to do this or not? Fine. Hi, I'm King Benjamin, son of Mosiah, king of Zarahemla. And I'm a great king, but I will die soon. Wait, sorry.

How do you know you're going to die soon? Yeah, are you sick? You guys want my shit or not? Okay, sorry. Mosiah, you're my son, and I like you the best. Surtful. Kind of a dick thing to say, bro. It's weird that we're here.

And to you, I leave my kingdom, the plates of Nephi, the plates of Laban, and the magic ball thing. Wow, I'm Mosiah, a different character. Um, and what about us? Oh, you never get mentioned again. Fun. Oh. Gather all the people of Zarahemla, for I have much to tell them. I thought you were dying. In a minute.

Okay, so, what I'm thinking is... What? We can't hear you. No. Is this better? Why would you being at the top of a tower be better? What? What? What?

Okay, fuck it. We're doing pamphlets. Okay, listen up. Can everyone hear me now? No, no, we can't, but apparently we're reading along with pamphlets? Is this in the pamphlets? It's good enough. So listen up to what I'm about to tell you. Okay. Listen.

We're listening. No, no, that's what I'm telling you. Listen. What? Your message that you want us to listen to is to listen to you? Uh-huh. Also, God is real. This is a confusing pamphlet.

Okay, let's try this again. Please don't be Jesus. Please don't be Jesus. Because I have a pretty important prophecy here. It's going to be Jesus. And you guys are going to want to hear it. So, a man named Jesus. Fuck.

20 bucks. And when Jesus was crucified, blood cometh from every pore. Really? Oh, yeah. This is gross. Oh, fuck. It is everywhere.

What the hell? Is this guy made of blood? He's like a water balloon. Ugh. See? Gross, right? And lo, that is my warning. Oh, man, am I so scared. I totally believe what you just said and am super-de-duper scared now.

Hey, quit it, man. I'm trying to express my newfound religious belief. No, I am. No, I am. Hopscotch. Titty-nickles. This is ridiculous. And so it was that so many of the people were so moved by his speech

that King Benjamin did carve the name of each of those people into golden plates. Okay, next. Hi. Alan Barker. Seriously? You're like the third one. Yeah.

Common name, I guess. Can I just put like a times three next to it? I mean, you know, everyone else. Fine, fine. Okay. A-L-L-E-N-D. Actually, it's just the one L. Fuck!

Why didn't you stop me earlier? I didn't know if you were doing me or the guy before me. It's fine. Fine. Again, everyone, when you get to the front, spell your name first, immediately. What? Son, be a good king. Rule wisely.

I will, father. You sound just like me. Right? And Mosiah was a good king who ruled wisely and tilled the field. tilled the field. And then I was thinking, if we move the taxes from the south port to the eastern sector, God, this is heavy.

This is difficult. Dude, we're going to have to redo all of this. She thinks he's helping. He's a nice king. And so it was in the land of Lehi Nephi. Really, Joe? Lehi Nephi? Blow me, bro.

Blow me in Lehi Nephi. It is in Lehi Nephi that we meet Ammon. Ammon. Yes, my king. You are a strong and mighty man. Thank you, my king. You are a strong and mighty man. Thank you, sire. Go to the land of Lehi Nephi and, um, you know, see what's going on over there. Lehi Nephi? Just let it go.

You got it. Absolutely. Headed to Lehi Nephi. Ah, what a beautiful land. Freeze. You're under arrest. I will now bring you to King Limhi. I am King Limhi.

Oh, I'm Ammon, and I come from Mosiah. Oh, we are friends now. Why? I don't know, man. Just go with it. It's a story. Ammon, you must help us. We labor under the iron fist of the Lamanites. They take half our barley. Doesn't exist yet.

And our goats and horses. Nope, nope, nope. And our ziff. Okay, now you're fucking with me. And so it was that in this book called Mosiah, did Limhi give magical plates that only Mosiah could read to Ammon and thus did Mosiah read those plates on the plates of

Zenith. That's seriously what happened. I am Zenith. And I am your king. Why do we always do that? I mean, we both know who we are and it's like every time we... Oh gonna we're gonna get

meta now enough fine fine okay i have sent you to spy on the lamanites again this is before anyone else we've talked about so far it's around but it's but it's after nephi but it's also different people right okay it makes perfect sense oh good okay what did you find out they're uh they're fine how dare you i will kill you different people. Right. Okay. It makes perfect sense. Oh, good. Okay. What did you find out? They're, uh, they're fine. How dare you? I will kill you. Who won? It's, uh, it's incredibly unclear. Hey, uh, Lamanites, do you mind if I put a city here? Sure. No problem. Hey, uh, I changed my mind. Give me all your stuff. Oh, my gosh.

How unexpected. And so it was that Zenith commanded his people to take one of each of the weapons to battle against the Lamanites. Okay, what about this? It's a hat that has knives in it. And you give it to them, like, as a present. And then they put it on their head and they stab themselves in the head. I love it. Okay, okay, here's a nunchuck, except it's got four handles. Four?

Like, X-chucks. God, I love it again. Just awesome. Keep them coming. Heavy compass. Poison bowling ball. Needle shoes. Just all of them.

Just, yeah, I love them all. This is great. And so it was that Zenith died and left the kingdom to his wicked son Noah I'm Noah Oh, now it's fine to be meta? But Noah was a bad king who spent his days in reverie and debauchery Which left him unprepared to defend his people George!

Why are you laminating motherfuckers? What are you talking about? I'll take all of you motherfuckers. Bring it, bitch. You think you can fight me? Motherfuckers. Okay, yeah. We'll come back.

Fuck. Yeah, there's no need for it. Free speech, bitch. Free speech. Yeah. This is it. We're going to go. You see, guys?

Laminators are going Raymond and I are going And I did it all by myself Very good my king Not so fast Oh it's the wise man Abinai Abinai Yes and you guys should really be giving God the credit here

Just look at him It's fine No it's fine seriously Hey throw that guy in jail for saying all that shit Just look at him. It's fine. No, it's fine. Seriously. Hey, throw that guy in jail for saying all that shit. Okay, then, Abidinai, if you're actually a prophet, what does Isaiah mean? Um, what is the wrong answer here? No, no, I asked you.

Oh, okay. Well, if you don't know, then I'm not going to tell you. Abidinai, don't do this. No, I don't want to talk about it. Abidinai, talk to me. I am talking. We're talking. Abidinai.

No. I motherfuckers execute him. Ha, I've made myself unexecutable until I've revealed my prophecy to you. Ooh. Damn it. Oh, no. And now, my prophecy. Damn, that was quick, man. That was nice.

I didn't have plans. Will Abid and I reveal his prophecy? Will he survive evil King Noah's wrath? Like most things in this book, will the ending somehow be boring and disappointing at the same time? Tune in three weeks from now for the next thrilling installment of Mormon Peace Theater. From time to time on this show, we like to take a quick break from God to explore some of the other ridiculous nonsense we don't believe.

So in the spirit of our eclectic polyatheism, we bring you another installment of... How Bullshit Is It? So tell us, Heath, what nugget of nuttery do you have for us today? Today we'll be discussing the Philadelphia Experiment. Finally, thank you. If Tom Hanks got AIDS, how come he was finally cast away? Let's talk it through. With more urgency than normal in this segment, I guess, Heath, what was the Philadelphia experiment? The Philadelphia experiment is an alleged U.S. Navy experiment that took place on October 28th of 1943.

It took place on October 28th of 1943. According to the not even remotely true account, the Navy was exploring possible ways of teleporting a battleship when the test went horribly wrong. I've done this. You just move the pieces around the board until Noah screams, you have to be cheating. It's physically impossible for you not to be cheating and throws it across the room.

It's fun. You only do it once, but it's good. All right. So let's get the what really happened that night stuff out of the way up front. What really happened was nothing. Teleporting gone horribly wrong equals nothing. Right. Or if we're being technical, stuff happened all over the world, but none of it resembled the entirely fictional narrative of the Philadelphia experiment. Okay, so with the climax out of the way, let's get to the foreplay. What do the wrong people allege? stupid authors a mad scientist by the name of dr franklin reno came up with a theory of electromagnetic space-time warping that the navy wanted to exploit during world war ii

well because we all know at this point hydroponic emulsification transport has failed might as well i just wrote bracket tech bracket so uh the, which is called an application of Einstein's unified field theory by people with no comprehension of what that would mean, was tested one time and it was successful. But the unintended consequences were so bad that the Navy shelved this very promising technology for, well, 73 years and counting now. Huh. Oh. So we're saying this experiment was like the tasting your own goof juice of naval exercises.

He is not saying that. No, maybe because you're a vegan, yours tastes... All right. Agree to disagree. Nope. You get it? Nope.

Not what I'm saying, but I would use my naval. Now, this alleged experiment that definitely didn't happen, just to be clear, took place in October of 1943 at the height of the war. The first test was conducted on a manned destroyer called the USS Eldridge, which was teleported from a shipyard in Philadelphia to Norfolk, Virginia, and then back again. and then back again. And as evidence of this claim,

there was a boat in a Philadelphia shipyard both before and after this experiment. So pretty sure that proves the part about them teleporting it back at least. Definitely the second part. Well, I'm convinced. Well, there you go. Yeah. Well, unfortunately for the sailors

who were part of this experiment, things didn't go exactly as planned. While the scientists did manage to turn the ship invisible, dematerialize it, and send it a distance of 250 miles at greater than light speed twice in the same evening, there were also some startling results that included sailors who got stuck in invisible mode or sailors who got trapped in alternate dimensions or sailors who got dismembered by phasing partway into the ship you know how that well yeah no you're awkward and you get half yeah okay so no way asking this without making it sound really stupid but how do we know that this didn't happen? Skeptic. Skeptic. Aside from the numerous ways in which it's literally physically impossible? Yeah, other

than those ways, yeah. Okay, I guess we can start with the fact that the USS Eldridge was never in Philadelphia at any point during World War II. I'd also mention that the crew of the Eldridge had a reunion in 1999, and a reporter from the Philadelphia Inquirer directly asked about the disappearing sailors, and everyone laughed at him. Yeah, but did their laughter stop at their eyes? These are the questions.

Well, right, because the disappeared ones wouldn't be at the reunion. I mean, to be fair, if the story was true, it's not like the Navy couldn't fudge the records of where the ship had been, and it's not like the sailors involved in a top-secret government conspiracy would confirm it to some random reporter on the record. Okay, yeah, but you're the one who took physically impossible off the table.

Yeah, all right, no, that's fair, that's fair. All right, so if it is just a story, do we know where the story comes from? Actually, yes. Unlike most urban legends, we actually know the person who made it up. And that would be Carlos Miguel Allende. Apparently, he started the hoax when he contacted a UFO author named Morris K. Jessup. Now, despite Jessup's stellar credentials as both an amateur astronomer and an auto parts salesman.

The golden combo as it's called in scientific circles. Yes. And despite his peer review eligible book, The Case for the UFO, Allende somehow got it in his head that Jessup was gullible, so

he started sending Jessup letters about a mysterious government experiment he'd witnessed. See, back in the pre-internet days, crazy people had to buy stamps, Eli. It was rough. This is a very long ad for stamps.com. Can I just say that? Can I throw that out there? This is longer than we usually do. Now, to Jessup's credit, he wrote the guy off as a nut at first,

but months later, the Office of Naval Research received a heavily annotated copy of Jessup's book. Most of the margin notes were crazy shit about the different races of aliens, but there were a few references to top secret naval experiments,

along with some hints that the annotator might have witnessed said experiments during the war. So they got in touch with Jessup, who identified the handwriting as belonging to Allende, and Jessup voluntarily passed along all the letters that Allende had sent him. Yep, have a nice summer.

Yeah, that's him. That's him. Now, a reasonable person would say, this looks like the Navy was afraid somebody who witnessed top secret experiments lost his fucking mind and might say something he shouldn't and then did their due diligence to make sure that wasn't the case right but luckily for conspiracy theory authors ever since that's not how an unreasonable person would react an unreasonable person would look at this interest by the Navy as

proof that they were trying to tie off loose ends, despite the fact that the Navy later released all those documents full. Yeah, well, if aliens aren't real, then how come when I call the cops to tell them I shot one in my basement, they come? Why would they even bother if aliens aren't real?

Well, exactly. Probably for an episode of Cops, if nothing else. They're gray, Heath. They don't care because they're gray. Gray. Gray. Anyway, Jessup exits the story here

via suicide, actually. My hero. Weird hero thing. But the Office of naval research ultimately published the gibberish in an effort to demonstrate that they had nothing to hide which clearly backfired yeah a bit of a cobra effect there yeah so uh for years the philadelphia experiment sat alongside stuff like the bermuda triangle and the flying dutchman as a staple in unexplained mysteries of the deep type books

that flourished in the 70s. And by 1984, it was the subject of a major motion picture by director Stuart Refill. You may remember Stuart Refill for making classics like The Ice Pirates, The Sea Gypsies, and Tammy and the T-Rex.

Oh, you're right. I remember those movies. I feel like we're thinking of a different Tammy and the T-Rex. Oh, you're right. I remember those movies. I feel like we're thinking of a different Tammy and the T-Rex, but yeah, I remember that one. It's possible. No. It's worth noting that there were naval experiments about invisibility during World War II and since.

They've tried that. And one or two of them might have tried to use massive electromagnetic fields to bend light around ships or something like that before realizing that's stupid so there actually could be a nugget of truth buried somewhere deep inside all this but there's no reliable evidence to back up any of the claims so there also could be a magic teapot that the navy teleported into orbit around the sun exactly right yeah stupid shit we tried as a country that still isn't real even though we tried it is a thick file right it's a whole cabinet that's amazing and uh i should probably also point

out that i only give you one of the many different versions of events that have been offered up over the years. Allende's original account included the ship traveling through time, visiting other dimensions and encountering aliens. And some of the accounts, they don't even claim the ship teleported, but rather that all the insanity and ship person melding was just the result of turning it invisible probably worth noting here that true things tend to get more homogenous as more people look into them yeah no good point uh well i suppose the only question left to answer is how bullshit is it okay i'm gonna say it's local women want to fuck click here levels of bullshit. Why you got to lie, internet? She wouldn't lie.

All right. You're a liar. Here's hoping that that's all it's going to take to market our show as educational to PBS affiliates. And until the next How Bullshit Is It segment, good luck coming up with a good pseudoscience that starts with Q. Quinselberf. What. Quinselberf. What? Quinselberf? It's a fictional cheese that some people

believe in. Before we return to the crypt this week, I want to remind you that you can just barely still get tickets to see us live in Seattle. We're at the Broadway Performance Hall this Saturday at 8 p.m. recording a live episode of God Awful Movies, and we'd love to see you there. Check out the show notes for links to get your tickets, and if you miss us there, we still have upcoming shows this year in Austin, Texas, Salt Lake City, and Sydney, Australia. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022

minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, that live episode we're recording on Saturday is going to be available on Tuesday at 7 a.m. and we'll tide you over even with a little extra citation needed the day after that. No skeptocrat this coming Monday, but it'll be back a week from then. And who the hell knows who will be president by then? Obviously, this episode wouldn't achieve full showhood if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for refusing to loudly figure out the rules of rock, paper, scissors, black guy, black guy, Muslim Heath on the plane ride to Washington. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for talking me back from the ledge after the three hours of sitting on a tarmac with two screeching babies. I need to thank the lovely in his own way, Eli Bosnick for eventually agreeing that poison tip

nunchucks were not a necessary travel item. I also need to thank Cassis for providing this week's Farnsworth quote, kind of tempted to pronounce it cases or something just to give the next Farnsworth quote a little more meat. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most magnificent mammals, Lynn, Michael, Mango Cat, Dustin, George, and Matt. Lynn, Michael, and Mango Cat, whose IQs are higher than Eli after two hits off a keef joint, and Dustin, George, and Matt, whose D vitamins are so fortified milk drinks them. Together, these six sexy secularists seconded our sacrilege against the sacramental sex this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the bona fides it takes to give us money,

but if you'd like to fides your bona, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, or you can just start handing people in the street money until eventually you get around to us. And if you'd like to help, but Patreon killed your father and PayPal watched him die, you can also help a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, Facebook, and Uber, I guess.

Or by telling a friend about the show like three times in a short overall period. Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineers, Morgan Clark. We also wrote all the music used in this episode, which was reused with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you can find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingadsius.com I figured it out. Cut that part out. Give me that. Send me that. Send me that clip too.

I don't need that. It's really important that we delete that part. It's part of my wedding speech. That's serious. 100% serious. Oh, actually, we're going to have to wait until that phone stops ringing anyway. Good. Good. That's serious. 100% serious. Oh, actually, we're going to have to wait

until that phone stops ringing anyway. Good. Good. It's like, good. Oh, good. I was not going to make it. Oh. The preceding podcast

was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.