The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 232: Schadenfreudian Slip Edition

Episode Date: July 27, 2017

On this week’s episode: We try to get the more out of Mormon ... We discuss the marital sex lives of a man and his computer, and a woman and her calf ... And Ken Ham will get shot in the freude. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Headlines: Ark Park could see tax incentives reversed because they’re unrepentant assholes: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/07/23/ark-encounters-tax-rebate-suspension-could-be-reversed/ Chinese government bans religion: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/07/19/chinas-government-bans-religion-says-members-must-be-firm-marxist-atheists/ New bill in WI tries to prevent med schools from teaching anything about abortion: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/07/18/wisconsin-may-block-medical-students-from-learning-how-to-perform-abortions/ South African pastor demands his congregants foot his legal bills for defrauding them: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/07/13/south-african-pastor-to-congregation-pay-my-legal-bills-or-church-is-canceled/ Lawyer sues congressmen for displaying rainbow flag in violation of Establishment Clause: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/07/20/man-who-sued-to-marry-computer-files-three-lawsuits-defending-his-orientation/ Buddhist Widow claims calf is reincarnation of her husband: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/07/21/buddhist-widow-claims-her-husband-has-returned-as-a-calf/ This Week in Misogyny: Iranian newspaper publishes photo of Maryam Mirzakhani without a hijab: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/jul/16/maryam-mirzakhani-iranian-newspapers-break-hijab-taboo-in-tributes Iranian women refuse to wear hijabs while driving; Iran may relent: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/jul/11/compulsory-hijab-rule-increasingly-flouted-by-iranian-drivers Girl’s robotics team allowed in the US even though Trump’s a douche: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/jul/13/all-girl-afghan-robotics-team-allowed-to-travel-to-us-after-visa-ruling-overturned Nepalese woman dies of snakebite because she was being period-shunned: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/07/09/world/asia/nepali-woman-snakebite-period-chhaupadi.html

Warning, the following podcast contains profanity, and it would contain a lot more if that Blake Farenthold motherfucker had run his damn mouth before I recorded to him this week. You want a duel, motherfucker? I'll whip your ass whenever you're ready. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Blue Apron, a better way to cook, and by our Jeff Sessions in five words or less contest. Today's winner is Larson Esk, who had halfway between Smeagol and Gollum.

I'd say more like three quarters, but close enough. Well done. And we're going to keep it going for one more week. Unless, of course, we get some really good stuff, and then maybe longer, because I really fucking hate this guy. Please keep tweeting us your best five words or less using the hashtag SessionsScathe and you could be the next winner.

And now, the Scathing Atheist. Hi. I'm Satan, angel of darkness and lord of this world, and my mission to corrupt the souls of humanity will be complete once I can convince all of you that

you did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's July 27th. And this episode is going to be utterly painful. I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright.

And from New York, New York, and Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is Gating Atheist. On this week's episode, we try to get the more out of Mormon. We'll discuss the marital sex lives of a man and his computer, and a woman and her calf. And Ken Ham will get shot right in the froida. But first, the diatribe. you know for a person with so many legitimate reasons to be pissed off, I sure spend a lot of time justifying my anger. You know, of course, I have to justify to those spunky, unflappable e-missionaries that see atheist in the show title and take that as an invitation to talk me into trying just the tip of Jesus just to see how it feels. And as soon as I dive into these conversations, I know the clock is ticking on my anger. And as soon as it comes out, I'm going to face the how can you be so angry

at a God you don't believe in apologetic? You know, of course, at the time, it'll be patently obvious that what I'm angry about in this instance is their stubborn refusal to accept X equals X levels of logic. But that won't matter because apparently all these assholes work from the same flowchart. And on that flowchart, why are you so angry at god is the standard response to go fuck a puppy you twat but when it comes to the christians and woo peddlers i kind of get it right i mean it makes sense just from a perspective of psychological projection right when they get into faith-based arguments with non-believers they also get angry sometimes and when they get angry it's because they're being forced to deal with the fact that they know they're wrong right their chief frustration in a debate is the fact

that x does in fact equal x so when they see an atheist getting angry in a debate it's probably logical to assume that that means they're starting to see why their argument doesn't hold up i mean keep in mind these people don't even know what it's like to be in a religious argument when you have logic on your side but i also have to justify my anger to my fellow atheists. And that one pisses me off because, look, if anybody should understand why I'm so angry, it should be atheists. The other people that fully recognize the rank bullshit being foisted upon their fellow humans. And then they want to know why I'm angry at them wanting to know why I'm angry. And I have to justify my anger about justifying my anger.

And it gets all inception levels of weird. Now, to be fair to my rational critics here, I don't think any of them are asking why I'm angry, right? They get that. They're asking why I podcast angry. Anger drives a lot of us, even the nice guys of atheism. But when it comes to outreach, a lot of these people feel like we shouldn't cater to the stereotype of the angry ranting atheist. We should be calm, collected, inviting, and friendly so that people leaving church can see that there's every bit as warm and welcoming an environment for them on our side of the aisle. And I get that. I mean, if nobody in the atheist movement was doing that, I'd recommend it highly.

I wouldn't do it because I'd be pretty fucking awful at it. But I certainly support the people who are. But that's not enough for everybody. For some people, maybe it is for some people, maybe it's enough to walk out of the doors of the church and into the doors of their local skeptics group and just move on with their lives. But for a lot of us, the shift doesn't really come when we realize that religion is bullshit. It comes when we realize it's okay to be angry about that. I got an email this week that really reminded me of that fact. And it was a crazy personal story. So I don't want to share any of the details of it, except to say that this was a person that got out of religion and figured her job was done. And like so many of us, she just said in her head one day, oh, you know what? It's all bullshit.

That makes sense. That way it all makes sense. But like so many before her, she also had it in her head that she should be tolerant of other people's religion, right? That she should respect the bullshit even once she knew it wasn't true. And that's what our culture tells us, isn't it? You should be tolerant of viewpoints that you disagree with. I mean, I guess that's true in the sense that you shouldn't actively destroy that which irks you. But tolerance is only a virtue insofar as the thing you're tolerating is virtuous.

And being tolerant of religion allows you to be abused by it even after you stop believing in it you know the fear of hell and the sexual taboos linger that feeling of brokenness your pastor cultivated over so many years sticks to you and in all too many instances the psychological abuse from the still religious people around you maintains its justification because you're still tolerating it. You're still trying not to put your beliefs on a pedestal above the beliefs of others just because yours are true, right? Because that's what your culture tells you. It tells you to tolerate and not to be angry. But in this case, anger can be its own reward, right? I mean, like, raise your hand if your fear of hell started to abate when it occurred to you just how nakedly self-serving it was.

Raise your hand if your frustration ever forced you to step in when you saw how blatantly a church was taking advantage of someone you love. Raise your hand if your voice rose in step with your blood pressure. You know, fuck it. Raise your hand if your anger ever forced you to stand up for yourself. Anger isn't a vice. It's a tool. And when you're surrounded by people trying to drag you around by your imaginary soul, it can be a survival mechanism. Because when the right answer is culturally unacceptable, most of us need a pretty good well of anger to say it anyway.

And sometimes the right answer is because your pastor is a fucking con artist. And sometimes it's because prayer is nonsense. And sometimes it's even I want you out of my life. And those are all a lot easier to say when you're angry. Look, I've done plenty of diatribes on what I'm angry about. I mean, in a sense, that's what they're all about. But here and there, I feel the need to advocate on behalf of the scathing part of the title, too. When you hear from people every day like I do who say your show gave me permission to be angry or or your show. Let me know that my anger was OK.

You just internalize it. Right. Anger becomes as self-evident as, you know, I don't want to swallow this bee. But you guys don't get those emails. You don't see all the stories I do of anger and rage unlocking the last shackles of bondage. And you don't hear from all the people who never recognized religion's true colors until they allowed themselves to see red. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin.

Joining me for headlines tonight are the Jack and Diana skepticism, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, you ready to run off behind the shade tree? I feel like you're trying to tell Eli that life goes on long after the thrill of living is gone. Is that right? No, no. Because you do not need to do that. There are a few pieces of information you need to convey less on this show. Well, shit.

Now that I recognize for the first time what a bleak song that really is, I think I'm going to need a minute to recover. So I guess we'll take a break for this week's sponsor, Blue Apron. Hi, I'm Noah Lusions. And podcast listener, this is an intervention. Now, wait a minute. Just sit down. Relax.

Eli, go ahead. I can't. It's too hard. You can do it, buddy. Come on. Okay. Dear podcast listener listener you have a problem you need

to sign up for blue apron we saw last week when you ate that iffy pizza or that time you made a big bowl of spaghetti and just poured cold sauce on it and called it dinner saw that too I know because I've been there too

you need to sign up for Blue Apron. Blue Apron is the number one meal delivery service in the country. They deliver fresh pre-portioned ingredients to your door instead of those four-day-old chicken wings you microwaved. It's fine. It's fine. I don't...

Yeah. We saw that. We saw that. You're going to get sick. And we know we've told you about the fantastic fresh cooked meals you could be eating before, but we're tired of your excuses. I'll sign up when I get around to it. When you say, when you think about it, what is the difference between ketchup and tomato soup? There's a big difference, man. There is. So we're asking you to take this step. Get some help. Check out this week's menu and get your first three meals free with free shipping by going to blueapron.com slash scathing. You will love how good it feels and tastes to create incredible home-cooked meals with Blue Apron. So don't wait, because if you do, you know you're just going to order Chinese again.

That's blueapron.com slash scathing. Blue Apron. A better way to cook. A better way. You did it. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, Ken Ham got fucked. This is so fun. In our lead story tonight, Ken Ham got fucked. So get in, boys and girls and non-binaries.

Taste that savory, delicious broth of schadenfreude. Slurp it up and lick the fucking bowl. Because we just got to the part of the movie where the bad guy gets his just desserts. fucking bowl because we just got to the part of the movie where the bad guy gets his just desserts. And I think he deserves a job as an intern at Puzzle and the Thunderstorm. He's looking.

So if you're out there, Amish Wolverine, we know you're listening. Hit us up on the missing LinkedIn or whatever the fuck you use and we'll make it happen. I don't know, guys. I feel like a 90s comedian watching Obama get elected. I'm just like, ah.

The job just got a little harder. What's the deal with airlines? Getting raped by them sky demons was a bitch. Don't get me wrong. All right. So we reported last week that Ken Ham's arc park was escalating at Skullfuckery, the town underneath his giant boat of stupid. In response to this having been a spectacular waste of money,

Ham was trying to ease the financial burdens on his park by not paying his taxes. That helps. Well, right, yeah. So as of last week's show, the latest shot in this skirmish was Ham's effort to sell his park to himself for 10 bucks, thus changing it from a for-profit park

to a non-profit ministry for tax purposes. All right, well, it sounds like the big boat thing isn't working. So maybe we can all take a cue from a recent Supreme Court ruling and deliver shitloads of old tires to him. And he can try rolling the thing. Or bouncing it. Yeah. Or maybe some rubber dicks, too, like we did with the Bundys.

He could roll them like in ancient Egypt, like logs. He did light it up all rainbow. Maybe he was hoping to marry it. I'm not sure what the plan is now. That's a call forward, too. Okay, so this was apparently a bridge too far for the city council, who made it clear that they were going to pursue their taxes in another way if they had to. Now, it should be emphasized here that these taxes are meant to offset real expenses that the arc park has added to the city's budget according to a report from the lexington herald leader the city's already added two full-time

police officers six part-time firefighters two additional police cruisers a new fire truck and an additional tornado warning system all to service this fucking park as williamstown mayor rick skitter puts it quote we're not building a rainy day fund these are real services we're dealing with for safety. End quote. I cannot wait to see the police auction when this doesn't work out. What do I hear for the enormous landlocked gopher wood

yacht? Do I hear $5? Fuck, we should have had a reserve price. Guys, we buy the Ark Park. We turn it into an atheist attraction called, look at this shit, we're going to be rich. It's going to be fantastic.

Doodly-doo, doodly-doo, doodly-doo. Step right up, step right up. The newly remodeled Atheist Doc, Park, how many, sir? Uh, one, please Excellent, and would you like that with or without a flask? Ooh, with Here you go

Hi, everyone, I'm your guide, Kimberly And I'll be taking you on the tour today If anyone gets lost, just look for the yellow flag on my hat Or the fact that I'm not wearing a shirt Okay, right this way. So this is our first exhibit and probably the most obvious one. A big fucking boat. Now this boat doesn't float.

It would sink right to the fucking bottom of the ocean. But it's still like way smaller than it would be for this boat to make sense. Okay, how many kinds of animals are there? Oh, good question, sir. Depending on the projection, between 2 and 50 million. Mother fuck. Ooh, ooh, someone said mother fuck.

Have a t-shirt. There you go. If Christ were born today, he'd be medicated. I like it. I like it. That's a good t-shirt. We have more of those in the gift shop, guys.

Okay, moving on. Our first exhibit inside the boat is the Hall of Atheists, where we celebrate some of atheism's greatest thinkers throughout history. The one with red tags turned out to be racists, and the ones with blue tags hated women. Oh, wow. That's a lot of tags. A lot of tags.

Yes. A lot of tags. So many tags. Okay, I'll let y'all wander. When you're done, meet me up at the end of the hall for our next exhibit, A Hole is a Hole, A History of Trying Gay Stuff. Doodly-doo,

doodly-doo, doodly-doo, doodly-doo. It's gonna be great. It's gonna be great. As I was saying, Patreon.com Luckily for Williamson, no, we really need to do that. We really need to do that, actually. I thought for a long time of just buying an old church and turning it into a house and then opening it up on Sunday.

I thought we were doing the CD, but maybe we could put the money into the giant boat. Yeah, there we go. There we go. Well, you know, if we did, we wouldn't be the first to get financially fucked by this thing. But luckily for Williamstown, there have been good guys in this story all along and the atheist groups that so desperately tried to forestall this fuckery in the first place were right there to help lift williamstown out of this mess once they saw the light so the ffrf sent a helpful reminder to the city council that since ham has now sold his park to himself they're in the clear legally speaking to rescind that 18 million dollar tax

rebate on sales taxes so they did that and now it looks like ken am scammed his way out of paying a 700 000 safety fee and wound up 17.3 million dollars down i love it all right so in like chess strategy terms i think the move is uh rape some kids and flee to South America, right? That's the move? Use the bishop block? He just sends the city council back a note that says smoke bomb. Now, unfortunately, this isn't the end of the story. This tax rebate could be reinstated and it

it actually probably still will be but it's definitely giving the city the upper hand and it's looking increasingly like they're going to use that upper hand to bitch slap the fuck out of amish wolverine so i'm sure we're going to have more to say but if past performance is any indicator ham's got a lot of dumb in this shit up to come should be fun stay tuned and in some good news tonight again in a move from atheist leadership

we can all finally get behind China or atheist Mecca as it's known to all the atheist straw men I'm personifying finally got around to telling all of its citizens to give up religion for the good of the party. Humanity? Oh, I thought you were going to say for the good of humanity.

That would have been better, but there's pretty much no wrong answers to that. Thank you. I mean, they make up the majority. Anyways, Wang Zuan, the director of the State Administration for Religious Affairs, or SARA, announced in the Quishi journal on saturday the

flagship magazine of the cpc central committee which side note if you don't subscribe you are missing out none of those little subscription cards no ands super easy sudoku it's great i'm just saying no it is it is i i love this month's feature on shutting the fuck up and getting back to work before I shoot you. It was witty. It was even laugh out loud funny, but it had something to say, you know, like something real. There was something going on. Nice.

Dave Barry's gotten weird. I agree. Dave Barry has gotten weird. All right. Well, I'm saying we need to label them an emotional manipulator. Absolutely. Winning hearts and minds. Anyway, Zuan wrote, quote quote party members should not have religious beliefs which is a red line for all members party members should be firm marxist atheists obey party rules

and stick to the party's faith they are not allowed to seek value and belief in religion end quote to which a thousand pedants responded okay when you say stick to the faith of the party yeah in case you were wondering why all those Chinese pedants were in jail. And look, this is like Heath about the Muslim ban. Okay, are we still saying hard no on the Muslim ban as a group? I mean, do we want more Islam here or the other options would be? Okay, well, I'm assured by Noah sternly nodding at me while I talk that the Muslim ban and this China thing are bad. Yeah, he's nodding very fervently and we don't support them.

So the end of the sentence that reinforces how much I disagree. I'll get to this later. Also, don't forget to buy milk, eggs, bread, move to China. get to buy milk, eggs, bread, move to China. Look, for the record, the only people trying to ban religion are people who want to replace it with a different brand of bullshit.

Oh, dance back, David Silverman. He's not trying to... He said, he said, he said, I would ban all religion legally and my voice is dulcet. His words, not mine. And in womb goes the dynamite news. After finally putting together enough terrible DNA in the gene pool to make an electoral win for Donald Trump,

the state of Wisconsin is currently trying to get rid of abortion right when they need it most. And pretty much everything that follows is Christianity's fault. Kind of like the world for the last 2,000 years, if we're being fair. That sentence could open up the show. You know, instead of the Farnsworth quote, we could just replace that with the Heath quote. Ooh, Christianity, now fucking up entire states at a time. It's coming from a guy who didn't grow up in Georgia right there.

Now? All right, so here's what's happening. It's coming from a guy who didn't grow up in Georgia right there. Now? Alright, so here's what's happening. State Representative Andre Jacques sounds foreign. I'm going to call him Andre Hussein Jacques. Thank you. Andre Hussein Jacques proposed a bill last week that would ban all public universities

in Wisconsin from teaching the medical practices involved in terminating a pregnancy. This would essentially make it impossible for the state system to produce any OBGYNs, just in case one of them ever sucked a baby out of uterus, maybe. For fuck's sake. I mean, I feel like that's taken care of by hiding all the straws in the break room. It worked on me, is what I would have said.

Well, once we hit the ice cream scoop, it did. But we're getting off track. I feel like we're getting off track. So, if this bill passes, college dropout Governor Scott Walker could keep having kids, and we'd have no way of murdering them until after they were

born. I got a pulley system idea. It's like a rabbit trap. I had something with like ramps or levers in my head, but yours is better. I like the pulley thing. Anyway, the new law would actually make all of Wisconsin's public university med schools ineligible for accreditation because they no longer offer the option of learning all the medicine stuff. You need that to get accreditation ah wisconsin so dedicated to being against abortion they literally won't be able to produce

ob-gyn's vagina doctoring right off the table yeah no for fuck's this would be like countering airplane hijackings by getting rid of the air all right so uh one last thing just in case everyone's not a history nerd this bill is just about literally the exact opposite of something called the wisconsin idea right that was a political philosophy that grew out of wisconsin during the progressive era that's when america was actually great again for a minute and it basically said we should make progressive laws and uh also anything that scott walker and paul ryan eventually want is a terrible fucking idea you're welcome in advance robert lafollette former governor of wisconsin and one of the greatest u.s senators in history yeah that was a weird way to sign that law can i just give that

fee it was weird for him at the time it's kind of like new york state of mind coming to mean staying inside your country house and eating deep dish pizza that's what we're saying okay well we're gonna attack each other this is weird and in african man news tonight in an effort to take the lead in our march madness s competition of crazy african pastors south african pastor moza no name borrow who listeners may remember thank you thank you who listeners may remember. Thank you. Thank you. Who listeners may remember for going to heaven and taking pictures with his cell phone only to have the phone stolen when people asked for proof is at it again. And this time he's asking his congregation to pay his legal bills for defrauding the members of his church.

Wow. I wonder if GoFundMe did a Kickstarter campaign to get GoFundMe started. It's like that, but with a whole bunch of fraud. It's like if Mark Zuckerberg used MySpace to raise money to murder Tom and steal all his stuff. Right. No, it's like a pyramid scheme, but in reverse. A triangle scheme. Take me there.

I know very little about shapes. And I think if you turn a pyramid inside out, you get a triangle. It's getting worse. Nope. Yeah. But it gets worse. He's not just asking. He's telling.

If his congregants don't pay his legal fees and give him a birthday present of around 370 he'll suspend his tv and radio stations and stop preaching oh no okay so it's like kidnapping tom and doing a ransom video where he kills one facebook account every hour until the world pays the ransom but you know i think this is a situation so bizarre it defies analogy because, again, this is with fraud, right? He's threatening to stop defrauding them unless they're sufficiently defrauded. So it would be it's like demanding a ransom for the kidnapping up front. You know, look, I'll kidnap your kid eventually, but I'm not going to leave a bunch of notes and phone booths and shit, cut letters out of newspapers. Just give me the money now.

Time is money. Time is money. But it actually still gets better. See, the legal bills aren't for defense. They're because he wants to sue the Commission for Promotion and Protection of the Rights of the Cultural, Religious, and Linguistic Communities, which just happens to be cracking down on fraudulent ministries in Africa right now. Who'd have thought? Okay, so it's like Zuckerberg doing the ransom thing, but he uses the money to also murder the entire FBI.

Now we're getting there. Exactly. One last little twist on this. If his demands are not met, Mbaro assures news outlets that he's going to pursue his music career because I guess he'll be damned if he's going to be outdone by R. Kelly. All right.

Well, if there's a story involving Africa and a musical career, that only means one thing. I've got some full page production pitches for Hats Off Botswana to apologize for in an official capacity. So while I take care of that, we're going to hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race.

If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This week in Massage. All right, Shakespeare monkeys be damned. These words are going to come out of my mouth on purpose. Kudos to Iran. Now, let me start immediately walking that back.

Progress in gender equality in Iran is like potty training. So when I praise them, it's going to be because they didn't get all the shit on their leg. But there are a number of important incremental steps toward equality going on there, and that puts them ahead of a lot of their neighbors. The big one, which you've probably heard about by now, was the hijabless photos Iran's president posted of late great mathematician Mariam Marzakhani. And this chick, whose name I apologize for probably butchering, was an absolute intellectual powerhouse. She's one of the most brilliant mathematicians in a generation and remains the only woman to win a Fields Medal. When she died at the depressingly young age of 40, President Hassan Rouhani posted a tribute picture of Mirza Khani, which prompted state-run newspapers to break with the country's strict rules about naked ladyheads.

And again, a lot of the poop is still missing the toilet, but that's definitely a step in the right direction. Be the most intelligent woman in the history of your academic field, and at least they'll let you show your heathenous lady hair. But there's more good news on the hijab front as well. According to a recent story in The Guardian, increasingly popular protests are forcing Iranian officials to reconsider the scope of their anti-scout pornography laws in the first place. See, a growing number of women are refusing to wear head coverings while they're driving. Perhaps they feel like modesty is less important than peripheral vision or something. Or perhaps they just feel modesty can go fuck itself. But whatever the impetus, there definitely seems to be a sea change going on because the Iranian government's response has not been cover your head up or I'll chop it off, you filthy whore.

In fact, to the contrary, Iran's president is arguing that cars should be treated as private space, allowing women illegal means to see their side mirrors even after a sneeze. women a legal means to see their side mirrors even after a sneeze. And while we're on the theme of good news for gals in the Middle East, let me be the first to tell you, unless somebody already told you, that an all-girls robotic team from Afghanistan that was originally denied entry into the U.S. because our president has a testicle blister is now approved to compete in the robotics meet. Because apparently, after consideration, we agreed that 15-year-old nerds probably weren't a threat to our national security. But lest I leave you feeling like we might be making progress in the world, I want to close on a story that'll remind you just how 15th century some parts of the world still are. This comes to us via the New York Times and to me

via astute listener Erica, and it's about a woman who lives in Nepal, or at least lived in Nepal, until she died of a snake bite. Now, most of the time, that wouldn't be a fatal kind of thing necessarily, but unfortunately for Tulasi Shahi, she was menstruating, which meant nobody was allowed to be near her or touch her, apparently even when she was dying. So now that everybody's super clear on just how potty trained the world isn't, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in the Gaytriot News tonight,

regular listeners might remember lawyer, litigious anti-gay marriage advocate, and the embodiment of devil's advocate douchebag chris sevier for his many stunts against same-sex marriage or if past revelations are any indicator you'll remember him as the guy that offered you an obscene amount of money to jerk off into a sports bottle while he watched first uh so for those not caught up first he sued apple for making computers that allow him to access porn then he filed several lawsuits in an attempt to be allowed to marry his porn-filled computer in an attempt to lampoon or or disprove gay marriage yeah but jokes on him though because you'd never guess it but most computers are non-binary.

And the attempt, by the way, which backfired by him now being entirely known as weirdo who tried to marry porn-filled computer. And now he's at it again because he wants us to know that God hates flags. Does he? yes Chris who allegedly has one real testicle and one made out of a page of a gay porn magazine he stole is suing four U.S. representatives for displaying a rainbow flag outside their offices cut to some hypothetical ham sandwich somewhere going okay can we stop indicting my ass already am I really needed here anymore in this metaphor and then you pan over to a mormon guy with a 12 pack of lunchables yes you are needed we're making a point and trying to get

a slippery slope going come on and if you're wondering why he's suing it's um because he's a bad lawyer and many people say you shouldn't hire him for anything. But also because he says homosexuality is a, quote, religion. See, the rainbow flag is a symbol of that religion. And therefore, putting the flag outside a congressional office is a violation of the establishment clause. What? But joke's on you, Chris. We got rid of the establishment clause with the playground thing and the tires. So even if you were right, you'd be wrong.

But you're wrong, so you're wrong. Also, a lot of rumors going around that Chris Sevier can only smile when his mouth is full of his own cum. So that's all. Oh, because everybody can afford laser whitening. You're such a fucking elitist, Eli. So judgmental. Hey, let's get that myth going, please. Can that be our show's lasting

gift to the world hold on though i'm confused is cum not a good hue for tea of course it is i feel like pearly white is what i would call i feel like they should offer that we have getting off white and mother of pearl necklace those would be like reasonable colors for tooth whitening at those places in the mall that's one of the options i like it i like it and while we don't have time to go through the unbridled unbelievable crazy that is in sevier's lawsuit do check the show notes for this episode to see the breakdown hemet did over on the friendly atheist blog so worth checking out we sent it to andrew to make sure we could make fun of him and andrew was like oh i've literally never seen anything like this there were a few things in

life funnier than watching andrew try to interpret that lawsuit through the eyes of sanity he's going no no i can't i'm gonna i'm gonna i'm gonna have to eat dog food to get through this, I do believe. And before we move on, I'd like to tell the following joke. Chris Sevier fucked the CD-ROM drive of his computer. You heard me. He stuck his exactly CD-shaped dick inside the thing and plunged it around in there until the devil dust just wrecked his hard drive. And you're probably thinking, that's a weird joke for Eli to make. You probably are thinking that. And you're probably thinking that's a weird joke for eli you probably are thinking that and you're right it is and that's because we would love to get sued by chris sevier let me explain why as is obvious from his fucking face chris is an idiot who's

unaware of what he can and cannot sue and if he sues us the press will be both good and hilarious we'll probably even get to go to counter sue him and take some of his crazy stupid ass money away. So please, take a moment share this episode or even just this clip of the episode with the hashtag Chris Sevier fucked his computer. That's Chris

S-E-V-I-E-R fucked his computer. All one word. Maybe send it to Chris on a CD or share it on his public LinkedIn profile which is the only way to contact him. But don't forget the hashtag Chris Sevier fucked his computer.

Sue me, Chris. You tiny CD-shaped dick motherfucker. And finally tonight, from the trigger warning terrible cow-based puns for the next few minutes file. Seriously, it's going to be utterly brutal. Oh, stole mine from the intro.

That was mine. Just like, really bad. I wrote mine first. Anyway. Just, you know, really, you might want, like, seriously, seriously consider skipping ahead if you don't want that to happen. All right. You asked for it. Seriously, last chance. I went like, seriously, seriously consider skipping ahead if you don't want that to happen. All right.

You asked for it. Seriously. Last chance. All right. In Cud Sugar sex magic news, we are just getting started. Yeah. Yeah. Don't worry. The cattle be out of the bag shortly.

Okay. We don't have. All right. So here's the story. all right so here's the story a recently widowed cambodian woman believes her dead husband came back to life as a baby cow which is now living in her house like it's a person oh get ready guys this story sounds like it's going to be pretty moving yes it will be yeah I did a cow pun. The story, it's part of our affirmative action plan to mock all the religions, not just the extra murdery ones. Like whichever one that would be. This is why we're not allowed to speak at radio stations in California, Heath.

You see? See, this is why. And we've got way better enunciation for radio than that other guy. Unbelievable. Oh, Jesus. For the sake of diversity, we chose a headline out of Cambodia where almost everyone

is Buddhist, which means almost everyone believes in reincarnation. And not like, oh, look, I can see my dead friend's smile in the shape of a leaf. Like in the literal sense that this baby cow right here is my actual husband raised from the dead. I'm going to America where RFRA and Citizens United make him a person and a corporation. That's all I'm saying.

An act of bovine intervention, if you will. Now, that one doesn't, you're supposed to like work them into the story. Movie theater. No, that's not. Cow. Okay. So, uh, wow. We ripped it up fast. We got a, I'm so sorry.

Hugh Hefner. Not quite. Close enough. It might sound like this whole story is crazy to your closed-minded atheist brains, but there is some evidence. Oh. Yeah. First of all, according to the widow, Ms. Kim Hung, quote, I believe that he, the calf, is my husband because whatever he does when he goes upstairs, it's in exactly the same way as he, my husband, did when he was alive as a human. That's got to be, I can't tell if the cow's jerking off on the toilet

or if the husband ate the bed sheets, but either way, this is a weird test. I mean, to be fair, Anna, if you're listening to this, if you ever find a dog that gets winded between each flight of the four-floor walk-up, that is me, and I do want belly rubs, just so you know. All right, and here's Exhibit B. Ms. Hong went to see a medium, and that's where her husband's soul came in, as a calf apparently, and said, I am your husband. She

recalls that the calf, quote, licked my hair, then my neck, then kissed me, so that really made me believe, licked my hair, then my neck, then kissed me. So that really made me believe that he's my husband, end quote. Because he licked her hair? Her husband licked it? Well, I'll tell you what. If reincarnate a husband doesn't work out, at least the cow could be president. All right.

So let's just be very clear. She fucks this cow, right? Clearly. Let's just be super real about this woman. She got caught fucking a cow like that guy last year with a sex doll he says was an angel and she was just like Oh! Reincarnated husband!

Not cow dick. Cow dick would be gross. 100%. Yeah. Okay, good. In fact, Ms. Hong is so confident about the reincarnation she actually sleeps next to the calf every night in bed. In her human dead husband's bed.

I bet she does. Yeah. Sounds pretty sterious, if you ask me. Sterious. So, I'm guessing it's not long before they renew their vows or remove their cows, if you will. I won't. Apologies for everything. That was't. Apologies for everything. That was cheesy.

Apologies for everything you just heard. You just heard. I apologize. Cheesy. And for everything you're about to hear, it's going to get even worse. Let's put 30 seconds on the clock. Oh, no. And start the countdown.

Really sorry about this. Really sorry. You are not. Wedding songs for the old lady and the underage reincarnated cow. Go. I could apologize for this and sound sincere. Eli could apologize. You cannot get away with that.

I'm sorry. No one's buying it. All right. Why is it me that can't? What? Ain't no utter man? Perhaps. Steers in heaven.

Unchained melody. Unchained moolity? No, that's better. Or perhaps unyoked moolity. Oh, there we go. There we go. Veal like making love. Every breath you stake, every move you make.

I was thinking maybe amazing graze. Amusing graze. You are so beautiful. No, how do you I was thinking maybe Amazing Graze. Amusing Graze. You Are So Beautiful. No. How Do You Know When It's Love? Moo Are So Beautiful.

We're doing a lot now. I have one. I just wrote one at a time. That's how we do it usually each week. Whatever. Okay. How about Cow Do I Know? Cow Do I Get You alone? Oh, yeah.

It must hoof been love. Black Angus woman. She's my one and only. Some kind of wonderful line. Have you heifer seen the rain? But, uh, I can't help tipping in love with movies. I also have a bunch of me also.

Gosh, so many. How about Call Me Cal by Paul Simon. What? Call me out. I don't really do. I like to start fights on our show. 30 seconds on the clock start some fights with people.

I'll have a bite that you won't have. I bet Heath's got one more. All right. People who don't like cow puns, fights with them. Go. Buttersweet Symphony. Love Me Tenderloin. No.

Tenderloin. Fine Mignon. It's the strip that's the best. It's the most tender from the steak. All right. I got one more how about smells like Holstein spirit underage

marriage speaking of which that we've stored up enough puns to give Heath a week off we're going to close out the headlines right there Heath, Eli, thanks as always Eli's a cock. And when we come back, Joseph Smith will continue to be better with sound effects. If the Book of Mormon has been reliable about anything, it's the fact that each installment is going to make even less sense than the last.

And when we started this book, it was Genesis wacky and fun. And at this point, we've devolved into Grandpa Needs Doors That Don't Unlock From The Inside Levels Of Crazy. So, for those of you who need help keeping the back of this book's hospital gown closed, we're pleased to once again present... Mormon Peace Theater. Hey, it's me, Mosiah. You guys remember me? This is my book. Hi.

So, like, Ammon is telling the story of Zedeph, in which Abaddoni has rebelled against King Noah. Hi, that's me. And not Mosiah, Noah. And we realized we probably needed a bigger cast for this. Shit. And now, on with the show. And now, I, Abinadi, shall tell you of the Holy Trinity. There shall be a God, and he shall have a son who is himself and shall die for himself.

I'm sorry, fucking what? Oh, don't even get me started. There's a ghost or something. Sorry, whose ghost? Everybody's ghost, whatever. And know you that Christ had the bowels of mercy. Oh, Jesus, if you could only see the way to healing my son. I know that as he sleeps, if you could just use your mercy to heal his wounds.

Oh, Lord, for you are wise and kind and full of mercy. Oh, my God. And your ways are hallowed and your name be praised. See that you fit my, see you fit to heal my child and bless my family with your healing and your grace and shit. Oh God,

for you are a good God full of mercy and kindness and goodness and I know that you will heal them in your mercy. Amen. Oh my God. Yep, uh, just like that. And know that all those who have not heard of Jesus shall reside in heaven, and all the children. But once thou hast heard the word,

damnation is the path one may walk. Hey, sorry, guys. I was in the bathroom. What did I miss? Okay, you count now, too. Okay, question, question question My sister is deaf Does she count? Only if she reads it

Or someone like Signs it to her It's not actually about hearing It's more like Okay, now what if I'm hearing it And halfway through I die? Oh, that's a good question. I think that depends on which half you die during.

Can I get halfway into heaven? No, no, you're just in or out. All right, all right. What about a super smart baby who understands English? A super baby. Yeah, what about a super baby? I really, really hate you guys. And that is my prophecy.

Okay, so now we can kill you now that you're done, right? Well, I prefer you not. Totally going to kill you. Hey, hey man, I'm Alma. And I just want to say I was super impressed by your whole prophecy thing. Oh, thank you so much. Seriously, love the Alma, and I just want to say I was super impressed by your whole prophecy thing.

Oh, thank you so much. Seriously, love the show, man. Thanks. It's so fun. Great. Do you have a Patreon or something I should give to? Oh, I don't. I don't.

But you could ask the king not to burn me to death, or, you know, five star on iTunes, whatever. Ah, I use Stitcher, so. Oh, Stitcher, really? really well you can go fuck yourself then you can straight up fuck yourself please king noah see in your heart to spare abadani you dare to defy me i shall kill you oh no one two three I'm sorry. What's happening? You're banished. And then as you go after that, I'm going to count to a thousand, and then I'm going to send my men after you.

Really? How dare you defy me? Why don't you just? Why don't I just what? You know what? Never mind. Yeah, go ahead. Okay.

All right. Four, five. Throw Abanadi into prison. I'm already here. Right, right. I mean, scourge his skin with faggots. Absolutely not, Eli. What?

You said I could write this part of Mormon no i have a whole no you just just move on to the next part of the book dude you are no fun i'm having you labeled as okay oiled up got my costume on let's do some scourging see he's already ready he's already in costume no and so it was that Alma set off... No. No, no, I'm not doing this. Noah, you got to read the lines. No, I refuse. I am dedicated to the English language.

I have too much respect. Noah. Why are you still in costume? I like it. It feels comfortable. You look great. Thank you, Eli. Thank you.

Okay, all right, fine. And so it was that Alma did flee to the land of Mormon where they did settle in the forest of Mormon next to the spring of Mormon. I need a drink. You look tight. And I don't even drink! Must you go, my son?

I must. I must follow Alma and be baptized. And what if I were to, you know, like send a letter? Oh, okay. It's just Steve, obviously, Fountain of Mormon, Forest of Mormon, Mormon Land of Mormon, 1,000 Mormon, Mormon. One thousand Mormon. Mormon. This book is fucking stupid.

Listen, my followers. Let it be known that priests shall also till the land. Wow. So you mean like priests won't be some elite ruling class? They'll work with common people to worship Christ as equals? Exactly like that. Hi, welcome to the Temple Grounds at Salt Lake City. I'm a 16-year-old who's been working here for two years with no pay, and I'll be your tour guide today.

Yep. Just like that. 997, 998, 999, 1000. All right, everybody go kill Alma now. All right, Jesus, finally. We've been standing here for fucking ever. I am Laman, king of the Lamanites. Send me your king, and I shall spare you. You have a stupid name.

Uh, racist. Is it? Mm-hmm, because I'm a layman knight. Ooh, but OMG, this is super awkward. We just lit that guy on fire. Really? Wow. Yeah.

Just now. We have a son, though. Can he be king? The son? I'm going to say yes. Meanwhile, over in different woods, I think, the priests of the now-dead

evil King Noah were scheming. Dude, that sucked. Right? Totally. So, kidnap some black chicks! Yes, that's exactly what you got! I was gonna say that! You get it, man. You get it. We are in sync. We are odd characters. Kidnap black chicks. Yes, that's exactly right. I was going to say that. You get it, man. You get it. We are in sync.

We are odd characters. Kidnap black chicks. That's great. That's great. This book is... Both of us said that at the same time. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Now, now, everyone settle down. So, layman, king of the laymanites, what's with all the antagonists, bro? You stole our ladies. Did not. Did too. Did not. Did too.

Hi. Hi, it's me, Gideon. Actually, it was Noah's priests. Okay, how did you, how do you know that? Also, weren't you just part of the crowd chanting kill him? I feel like now

is a weird... I mean, you guys want to move the plot forward or not? Wow, glad that worked out. Wouldn't have wanted to go to war unnecessarily with those Lamanites, right? Yeah, it's fine. Okay, what's the matter? Nothing.

Just kind of wanted to kill the Lamanites. Then why would you want to go and do that? I don't know. They were just smiting my cheeks and stuff. Uh-huh. You really want to go to do that? I don't know. I was smiting my cheeks and stuff. Uh-huh. You really want to go to war with the Lamanites? Mm-hmm. All right, let's go to war with the Lamanites.

We're the good guys in the book. And so it was that the Lamanites and the Nephites went into battle. Charge! And the Nephites went into battle. Charge! And the Nephites lost. Charge!

Every single time. Okay. Okay. Change my mind. I do not want to fight the Lamanites anymore. Yeah, me neither, man. Fuck that.

Oh, man. We've been defeated by the Lamanites, and now they can totally take all of our stuff. Not to worry. Tis I, Ammon. Wait, sorry. Aren't you telling this story? Yeah.

Yeah? Wait, so you're in the story that you're reading? Yes. So wait, what did you just read? I read, and then Ammon showed up and was like, Tis I, Ammon. And you're reading that now? Yes.

Off of plates that someone else gave you? That is, yes, that is correct. Okay. I'm sorry, what are you reading now? I'm reading, and Ammon did explain to everyone that he was reading that... That Ammon did explain to everyone that he was reading. I miss reading the Bible.

Me too. Remember Swordmouth Jesus? Yeah, I do. People of Lehi-Nephi, for too long you have labored under the yoke of the Lamanites. But how can we escape? We... we leave. I'm sorry, what? Leave.

Slip out the back, Jack. Make a new plan, Stan. You know, skedaddle. That's... that's your plan? Yepers. Yep. Plan. Yep. Leave. Great. Sure. Leave. All right.

Shush. Shush. Everyone be quiet. There's someone here. Who's there? I'm Laman, king of the Lamanites. We were just chasing Limhi. Who are you?

We're the bad priests of Noah. I'm the leader of Amulon. Huh. Weird. We're like extended universe side characters. Yeah. Like how you heard it was all going to fit together

but now that Rocket Raccoon and Iron Man are in the same room, it seems kind of like weird and silly. Yeah. I guess. This could be cool, though. Right? You want to go fuck with Ammon? Ammon? Who's he?

Okay, I think you remember the guy who asked your king to pardon the prophet guy who fooled you? Oh, yeah. Fuck that guy. I think that's him. Yeah, totally, fuck him. Dear God,

please turn the Lamanites away in your mercy. And so it was that God was merciful, but the Lamanites took the city anyway. What? Aw, fucking bullshit. My people, listen to me. It is I, Alma.

Oh, fuck, was it Alma before? Anyways, Alma, for too long we have labored under the... Wow, this sounds so familiar. I just got the craziest deja vu. Yeah, me too. Me too. Were you just going to say we should leave? Leave?

I was going to say we should leave. Oh, I am totally freaked out right now. So? Leave? I was going to say we should leave. I'm totally freaked out right now. So here we are. The Matrix. And so it was that Alma and the Almanites escaped Helma and traveled to Alma, not to be confused with Ammon and the Ammonites who escaped to Mormon, Mormon, Mormon.

No, the iPod is not skipping. That's how the fucking book works. King Laman, wake up. Alma and the Almanites have escaped to Alma. Five more minutes. Okay, so now we're in Messiah. You guys want a pizza

bagel? Okay, I remember him. All right. I think this is actually going to work out. We got no Lamanites, no war. Seems like this story can actually start to... I'm not so sure about this pre-Jesus thing. God damn it! Hey, what's going on? Why are you guys not eating your delicious pizza bagel?

Oh, he's not Jesus-y enough. Huh? Oh, yeah? Well, Alma won't condemn them. I don't wanna. Hey, don't look at me, guys. My own kids are super not into Jesus. An angel.

Everyone, cut it the fuck out. Alma? Yeah? No, no, your son, Alma. Sorry, my name is Alma, and I lived in Alma, and in the book, I named my son Alma. You did. Fuck me.

Alma. God, what? My name isn't Alma now, it's Night Force. Crossover, I like it. Stop not being Jesus-y enough. Ugh, I'm paralyzed. Yay, I'm your dad. Whatever, dad.

Now I can write poetry about a body that matches my soul. Never mind, please put him back. I'm healed. And I'm totally into Jesus now. Gah. Still your dad. Never mind. Please put him back. I'm healed. And I'm totally into Jesus now. Gah! Still your dad. Hey, you're my kids. How you doing? I'm Mosiah. Right. Um, so we love Jesus now and would like to go tell the Lamanites about it.

Okay, alright. But then who would be the king? Go! I'll be king! Go! Okie dokie, then. And now that a minor blue apron ad side character is firmly enshrined in the Book of Mormon, we've done our job. We can close out for the week, but these books

aren't getting any easier to read, so we'll be back in a few weeks with even more Mormon Peace Theater. Before we get to Hook tonight, I want to remind everybody that you can come see us live in Austin, Texas on Friday, September 22nd. Tickets are still available, and on the same weekend, the Atheist Community of Austin is holding their 10th annual Bat Cruise, so there will be all the more reason to be an atheist in Austin. You can hang out with us and watch the movie live while we roast it

on Platinum Night on Thursday. You can come see the live GAM record on Friday, listen to an ACA-sponsored lecture Saturday afternoon, hang out with us on the Bat Cruise Saturday night, and still be up in time for church on Sunday. You'll find details on the website. Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.

If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's Hot Friend Godawful Movies on Tuesday at 7 a.m. Eastern and a brander newer episode of our sister show's Hot Friends Hot Friends Citation Needed at noon Eastern on Wednesday. Obviously, this show would sound unappreciative and selfish if I neglected to take a minute to thank Heath Enright and Eli Bostick for agreeing to take on a couple of pretty enormous workloads so that I could take a few days off this week. I also need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for patiently waiting around for years

until I reached a point where I felt like I could take five days off in a row. I also want to thank the Dark Lord Satan for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. If you'd like to check out his work, do butt stuff in oral a lot. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most bewitching bipeds, Zach, Brian, Thomas, Hayden, Ergen, Sarah, Glenn, Marius, and Eldon. Zach, Brian, and Thomas, whose erections constitute plan B if it's cloudy during next month's eclipse.

Hayden, Ergen, and Sarah, who have more digits in their IQ than most people have points. And Glenn, Marius, and Eldon, whose unrivaled greatness prompted an online petition to change it to the Pretty Good Barrier Reef. Together, these nine lovely lacquers of liturgy lighten the load of limitless labors loaded upon the lot of us this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the intrepid computational skills it takes to give us money, but if you think you're up to the challenge, you can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll

earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode. You can also make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, but not in a giving us money kind of way, you can also help us out a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, following us on Twitter, liking us on Facebook, subscribing to us on YouTube, and telling a friend about the show.

Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at scathingatheist.com. And now I am officially on vacation. Ooh.

Five years. That was a popping knuckle, by the way. Was that a slap bracelet? No, that was him like popping his knuckles during room noise. So all of this, no, there was no noise on my side. It's all bullshit. I don't know what you guys are talking about. We've been right the whole time.

He's just out there popping his knuckles. And then when one of them made a noise, he was like, oh, wait, I got to stop. Actually, he didn't stop. He kept doing it. That is false. I got to stop. Actually, he didn't stop. He kept doing it. That is, I lost. I did not stop. You guys panic when there's silence in the world. You guys.

Did anyone get raped by the goblins? I don't think so. 997. 999. 997. 999. I forgot how to count sorry Morgan that was a football star

no I was assuming that was you actually no I was the girl okay the preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2017 all rights reserved