The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 234: Plurarectal Edition

Episode Date: August 10, 2017

In this week’s episode, we dive back into the Book of Mormon with all the zeal of Greg Louganis, we learn that the difference between Judaism and Satanism is one Outback Steakhouse, and Heath is back so 30 seconds won’t suck as bad. For tickets to our upcoming live shows (or for more details), click here: https://scathingatheist.com/ To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out our half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: To check out Kelly on Twitter, click here: https://twitter.com/GayArtGoblin Headlines: Unprecedented influence of religious conservatives in White House: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/08/01/the-white-house-bible-study-isnt-a-problem-but-the-instructor-is/ and http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/richard-land-religious-right-has-unprecedented-access-and-impact-on-policy-in-trump-administration/ and http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/end-times-prepper-pastor-jim-bakker-was-invited-to-the-white-house/ Anti-Muslim folks in Norway outraged by picture of bus seats they thought were women in burqas: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/08/04/anti-muslim-bigots-in-norway-are-furious-at-these-bus-seats/ Even atheists think atheists are evil: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/08/07/even-atheists-think-atheists-are-more-likely-to-be-serial-killers-says-study/ Pastor tells women to stop taking bipolar meds, woman goes missing: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/08/05/missing-woman-who-stopped-taking-bipolar-meds-on-pastors-advice-found-alive/ Outback steakhouse is satanic. And the reason is hilarious: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/07/30/outback-steakhouse-isnt-nearly-as-satanic-as-you-think/ This Week in Misogyny: Christian writer warns against women having a career outside the home: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/07/26/christian-writer-women-having-careers-outside-the-home-is-unbiblical/ Christian activist warns against using butt as substitute vagina: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/07/28/christian-activist-stop-using-the-anus-as-a-substitute-vagina-like-satan/ Lawyer upset that 12-year old rape victim is allowed to have an abortion: http://www.al.com/news/birmingham/index.ssf/2017/07/lawyerblastscourtrulingall.html This podcast is a production of Puzzle in a Thunderstorm, LLC, copyright 2017.

Warning, the bar's been raised on irate diatribes now, so sure, there'll be some foul language. But we'll probably have to threaten to nuke somebody just to keep up. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Dollar Shave Club. And by our Jeff Sessions in five words or less contest. Today's winner is AtAntoniusMisfit, who had If Estes Perkle Tires You. Excellent work, Antonius. Thought this might be the final week for J-Sesh, but once again, the enthusiastic participation is going to keep it going. Please keep tweeting your best five words or less using the hashtag SessionsSkate, and you could be the next winner.

And now, Skating Atheist. and you could be the next winner. And now, Skating Atheist. Hi, I'm Kelly on Twitter at GayArtGoblin, and editing a billboard of Eli's hairy naked body with genitals covered in ticks reminded me that we did in fact devolve from filthy monkey men. It's Thursday. It's August 10th. And we're here to give you porn for your rage boner.

I'm no illusions. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. And from New York, New York, and Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, we'll dive back into the Book of Mormon with the zeal of Greg Louganis. We learn that the difference between Judaism and Satanism is one outback steakhouse. And Heath is back, so 30 seconds won't suck as bad. First, the diatribe. Let's talk about gene editing, shall we?

Because you know good and damn well the religious people are out there right now getting the vapors about it and telling their congregants that scientists is coming after their unborn baby souls. Now, as you no doubt heard, there was an important recent advance in the path towards scientifically excising congenital diseases published last week in the journal Nature.

Of course, I can't talk about it for very long without revealing my profound ignorance on the subject, so I'll leave it to the legitimate scientists and science communicators to fill in all the blanks. But for our purposes here, you know what? The details don't much matter because the religious backlash isn't paying a lick of fucking attention to shit like

details. See, I may not know exactly what this team of scientists accomplished, but I know enough about the science to know what we don't need to worry about. And holding this up as a harbinger of designer babies would be like Caveman putting a moratorium on fire because the earth is flammable. Well, stupider actually because the fucking fear is religious to

begin with. So let's say like putting a moratorium on counting because math will inevitably lead to internet porn because look i'm not saying there aren't ethical concerns here there are yeah how fast should we move through to human trials what disorders should we focus on first given the public funding of so much of the preliminary research who owns these techniques should we use public dollars to make these treatments universally available these are all important ethical questions that need to move in lockstep with the research but they need to be tackled with the same methodical informed logical multinational approach that actually did the fucking science right what we don't need are the opinions of a bunch of evangelical leaders worried about playing god or negligent mommy bloggers worried about rich people

buying taller kids i mean you know what yeah let's have these arguments right you don't need a degree in this shit to opine on it obviously or i'd have to talk about something else today but let's keep the argument in the real world right editing a single mutation out of a single gene isn't in the same ballpark as identifying and modifying the unknown suite of thousands upon thousands of genes associated with intelligence or athletic prowess so sure in a trolley problem kind of theoretical way we should tackle this ethical question but we shouldn't be pumping the brakes on curing congenital heart defects while we do so when the ill-informed and even wantonly ignorant luddites open their mouths about this let's be super clear about what's happening they're coming out on the pro

genetic disorder side regardless of their excuse their rallying cry is still hell no cystic fibrosis won't go and and if that's what you're trying to convince me of you better bring a hell of a lot more than what if god put the soul brackets in that their gene and now it can slip out because look my diatribe shouldn't be starting on ethical concerns about this shit and neither should any of the stories written about this in the mainstream media this story should be about a fucking ticker tape parade we threw for science with maybe a few little lines at the end about like you know now someday there might be some sticky ethical shit and we should take our time because you know science but instead it's the exact fucking opposite we get these lengthy

uninformed tirades against the inequity of designer babies that occasionally remember to say oh yeah also it would cure tasax disease and a whole bunch of cancer hell when i was researching for this diatribe i came across six holy shit here come the fish made oh baby's headline for every hey how cool is this and and look we've seen where this leads haven't we just look at the dickie wicker amendment and no that isn't the subclause on the whiteboard that forbids Eli from fucking the porch furniture again. That's a different thing. The Dickie Wicker Amendment is the 1995 law that forbids the federal government from funding for research that has to create a human embryo along the way. Right.

That's one of those things that sounds scary as fuck as long as you don't look into it. But the actual law was the product of a warped analysis of sensationalized science run through a cross-shaped filter and interpreted by idiots. And all it managed to do was retard American scientific achievement. Meanwhile, rest of the world kept going. And lo and behold, they didn't give rise to armies of unanticipated half tomato sola zombie babies. But they had to do it all with the largest scientific player voluntarily off the field. Right. Same is true of stem cell research. And this is not a matter of national pride for me america has some of the

world's greatest scientific resources in terms of laboratories personnel infrastructure etc so when we bow out of the cutting edge research the whole world is set back by it the whole world has to wait that much longer for the next breakthrough and who the fuck knows how many more people have to die from an illness that would otherwise have been preventable while they argue about fish mato's and bullshit and look i know you don't need religion to get here the fucking anti-gmo anti-vax shit is largely secular in origin but at least the people who are in that camp can be swayed by evidence right i mean they were swayed by evidence it was shit evidence and they didn't know how to interpret it but but it was evidence that got them there.

The same is not true with alarmism you reach through faith. There is no logical dictum that's going to override on account of God said so. Look, I'm not saying we need to be cheerleaders for every scientific advancement, but we owe it to the irrational people around us to keep ourselves educated and informed and not to feed the hysteria. And even when maybe it's a little rude, we shouldn't hesitate to come to the defense of shit like eradicating Alzheimer's. Because you can already see our opponents in the Jesus camp lining up on the other side with no hesitation over petty shit like morality. They're talking about your Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin.

Joining me for headlines tonight are two men better equipped to take care of the North Korean situation than the guy actually doing it, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, ready to offer up some advice on staving off nuclear holocaust? Oh, um, popular vote? We just count them? I like that. Atheists are a bunch of babies. We're all stardust until you might get a little third degree burn from a nuclear blast. Get over it, people.

It's going to be just like before you were born. Whiners. All right. Well, I feel like at this point, the State Department needs a little time to consider Heath's suggestions. So while I get Rex on the line, we're going to pause for a quick word from this week's sponsor dollar shave club i'm excited for the pain to end get your a cards out bitches anything uh yeah some some cans and some bottled water again oh i'm sorry eli would you like to go out and fight giant roaches to find stuff? I am allergic to bugs. Guys, look.

Ever since North Korea nuked Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, we've been at each other's throats. We're almost out of Cecil. My best friend. So I got us something. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it's a little treat. I signed us all up for dollarshaveclub.com.

Huh, nice. Yeah, Dollar Shave Club, it's the smarter choice. Get a great shave at a great price conveniently delivered right to your door. It's an awesome life hack and a no-brainer. You no longer have to schlep to the store to buy a cheap disposable razor that gives you a cheap disposable shave or spend a fortune on razors with gimmicky shaving tech that you don't need. And you definitely don't need to fight any mutants along the way. Oh, that sounds amazing. Wait, how do they deliver it when the mail's been taken over by roving Mad Max bandits?

I don't understand what you mean. They are that committed to quality, bro. Okay, but the dollar has lost almost all its value. That's okay. For a limited time, new members get their first month of the Executive Razor with a tube of their Dr. Carver's Shave Butter for only $5 with free shipping. After that, razors are just a few bucks a month. In your first month's box, you get an awesome weighty handle,

a full cassette of four cartridges, and a tube of their Shave Butter. After your first month, replacement cartridges ship automatically at their regular price. There are no hidden fees and no commitments. Cancel anytime you like. Join the club today at dollarshaveclub.com slash scathing. That's dollarshaveclub.com slash scathing. Well, I'm sold. We ate, Cecil.

We sure did. We sure did. It was gamey. Too much jogging. Gross. And now, back to the headlines in our lead story tonight i got yet another answer to the why are you guys so political now question namely the unprecedented access the very craziest caucasian raisins for jesus are gaining to the white house's inner circle hold on i thought jeff sessions band got kicked out of the inner circle no no that was the rock and roll hall of fame true story google it not a true story don't bother

we'll start off with the widely reported revelations of the weekly white house bible study uh which are apparently attended by mike pence jeff sessions betsy devos mike pompeo rick perry tom price and more not donald trump though he can't be bothered and as scary as the idea of the nation's leadership cabal meeting together once a week to hear about the some zeroth century jews likely feelings on modern day ethics it's not exactly new all right like a lot of presidential administrations have had weekly bible studies and some of them even roped in their president. It's not mandatory. It's not taxpayer funded.

So it's not illegal or anything. Okay. Well, we need a White House Satan Club. Hell yeah. Somebody make that. Just start pouring milk on shit. I don't care. Do it.

You motherfuckers would get off your ass and elect me. I'd make a lot of changes. Yeah. Make a lot of changes. Yeah. Make a lot of changes. But the terrifying part here is how crazy the fucking Bible teacher is. Ben Carson. Hitler. Ben Hitler.

Close, actually. Carson Daly. Not very close. Too far. Meet Ralph Drollinger of Capital Ministries. Very close. Too far. Meet Ralph Drollinger of Capital Ministries.

Among his greatest hits list is saying that Catholicism is the world's largest false religion, which is true, but it doesn't get you invited to a lot of First Communions. Wait, I thought that was Muslims. No, it's no fair to split up Christians by type unless you also do it with Muslims. So you have to be Sunni and then there's groups of that. Pretty sure the Muslims are doing that to themselves. Yeah, well, that's true but more importantly he also called homosexuality an abomination and even took a hard stance against mothers serving in congress you know on account of the sinfulness okay i thought that was muslim right jesus and when he's not spouting homophobia

and making google memos sound progressive, apparently he enjoys comparing Trump to biblical heroes like Samson. Because he thinks Samson is the kind of guy you want running a country. I feel like Lester Holt is the Delilah in this. Yeah, right? Well, Lester Holt didn't even have to ask, but yeah. I mean, to be fair, he's bringing it all down on top of him. His hair is miraculous. His wife is cheating on him.

I'm just saying there's a lot. His wife's cheating on him. Google it. Talk about the thing with Melania and Heath. But Drollinger is hardly the craziest evangelical with the ear of the administration. In a My Kingdom for a Localized Flesh-Eating Bacteria Outbreak moment last month, President Schmuck Elerange sat down for an interview with pat gay people have secret needles in their rings so they can give you aids when you

shake their hands robertson and according to jim baker even he has been invited to the white house seriously the disgraced felon that's not allowed to sell jesus anymore so he sells rapture buckets his furniture through a 900 number that guy was invited to the white house okay well we should invite him to our dinner party with his bucket yeah live stream with us oh that'd be fun come on so jim what was jail like don't mind noah he's he's gonna throw up a lot today so they loosen you up in there at all did you get into that the vomit's a patreon goal just don't worry we get points based on the targeted guys forget it now i should also point out like the other major difference between trump and past administrations when it comes to shit like this

because you know look all republican politicians have to pay lip service to the Jesus freaks, but Trump is clearly making policy or tweeting policy lits based on these interactions, right? I mean, when all you care about is your base and your base is made up of crazy fucks that consider Jim Baker buckets a retirement plan, you're not going to make sound decisions. And that, boys and girls, is why we're

so damn political now. Well, that and because I am ruining the show. You two are putty in my hands. I don't know if you know. More often, you're putty in your hands. Right. Okay. Would it kill you to knock? That's all I'm saying. Would it kill you to knock? On my bedroom door?

You want me to knock on my bedroom door? Yes. When I'm in there. Ganking it. I'd like to surprise you. I'd like the surprise look on your face. Well, then you're going to get some frosting. And in reason conjunction fallacy news,

according to a recent study stupid people think serial killers are pretty much guaranteed to be atheist teachers or at least that's what a stupid person might say if they had to explain right yeah more accurately the study shows that stupid people as a group tend to believe that a serial killer is more likely to be an atheist guy named steve than to be literally any guy named steve and atheists agree apparently even though that's literally impossible because obviously atheist steve's is a subset of all steve's idiots you know like with most fallacies i can at least see how you get there but like like this one would be if the logic problem

just had you take the fox, the hen, and the pea across together and people still couldn't figure it out. Okay, okay. As the only one who fell for this thought experiment at Barbara Brinkman's show last year, I feel very attacked by the previous two paragraphs. It is not so easy. You're feeling correctly. This was 100% targeted at you. That was fun. It was not so easy. You're feeling correctly.

This was 100% targeted at you. That was fun. It was super awkward. He put his hand up. Nobody else. Everybody else just kind of proudly, right over the ear.

Just me. I'm just going to say NYU taught you weird shit. Mediocre. All right. So here's how the study worked people were told about some hypothetical guy who tortures animals and kills homeless people okay okay yeah yeah i feel like the homeless part is confusing eli okay let's just say he kills wealthy white people he's evil is

what i'm saying oh okay bad bad bad guy, bad, bad guy. Okay, yeah. Tortures animals, kills wealthy white people. Great. So, everyone got the description of that bad guy and then some people were asked, was he more likely to be A, a teacher or B, an atheist teacher? And others were asked the same question, but with the choices being A, a teacher or B, a religious teacher. Religious teacher.

No. Eli, we went over this like three times, dude. But more people are religious. What? Let me get out the M&Ms again. Yeah, candy. Okay, here's the results. I get candy.

That's the results. You do. That's one of the results. Also, turns out that when given the option of choosing atheist teacher, 60% of respondents did that, while only about 30% chose religious teacher when that was choice B. So just to be clear, everyone who went with B was stupid and wrong, but people were twice as likely to be wrong if there was an option for an anti-atheist way of being wrong. In a sense, being anti-atheist made of being wrong. In a sense, being anti-atheist

made society about twice as stupid. And it actually all fits with the results of a similar study from 2011 indicating that atheists are less trusted by society than rapists. I mean, maybe everyone thinks rape goes with honesty, but still, that's offensive.

I don't think they do. I mean, it goes with swim times. We know that now. Okay. I have a question. I mean, it goes with swim times. We know that now. Okay. I have a question about your puzzle riddle. Isn't the survey flawed if you know how the riddle works? It's not a riddle. Like Pat Robinson knows the one about the surgeon,

but that doesn't mean he doesn't hate women, right? So how many people hate atheists but know the riddle? All right. Try eating another bag of M&M's. I'm on it. I just want to say, I want to distance myself from Eli's slights against Pat Robinson.

I don't know the dude. Might be a nice guy. And also all the stuff he said about her jobs. I don't know about all of that either. I want to distance myself from that now. Alright. So anyway, that was fun. That's study. We confirmed that people who are stupid is a larger group than people who are stupid and hate atheists, but only by a little.

Only a little bit. Point being, our group is a reviled minority, and we're allowed to say the N-word from now on. Pretty sure that's how it works. I don't. We can say the N-word. The atheists have been behaving that way. You know what? Quickly before this line of jokes goes any further, we're going to pause for a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucin.

A man wrote the Bible. A whore is what she wants. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. Hey, I'm proud of a man. This Week in Misogyny. You know, one of my least favorite stereotypes of feminists is that we hate men.

And look, I feel like I've made it clear from the start of this segment that what I hate is sexism. And I don't much care what suite of chromosomes the person spouting it has. So let me once more present to you a penis-free set of headlines. We'll start off with a Christian mommy blogger named Lori Alexander, whose sexist drivel came to my attention last week via him at Metta's Friendly Atheist blog. And what advice did she have to offer up to all the ladies on the internet? Why, don't have a career, of course. According to her randomly firing neurons, having a career only draws women's attention away from their children and their husbands.

And that kind of stuff pisses off God. Basically, her argument boils down to the Bible doesn't say anything about women having careers outside of the home. Therefore, it's wrong, which means antibiotics, the printed word, the Holy Trinity and mommy blogging are also sinful. Not sure where she's going here, but hey, Lori, guess what the Bible does say? It says that you should shut the fuck up and try to stop teaching people shit. And believe me, the book isn't inerrant very often, but in this instance, Jesus's biographers nailed it. But Lori's not the only lady Christian doling out good advice free of charge. Our next story is about Linda Harvey, who had a little something to say about the butt sex.

And there's really not much to this story. Nothing new about a prudish anti-gay Christian activist taking a firm no-butt-fucking stance. But I don't think you truly comprehend the idiocy of letting religion inform your choices without occasionally reading actual quotes like this one. Quote, anal sex is demonic. There's no other way to understand it. Using the anus as a substitute vagina is a desire from the pit of hell. She continues, the anus is not a genital and of course this act marks the creation of new life. It is essentially the opposite. In the human body, the anus is a death site. The anus is the point of exit for the body's waste disposal system, end quote.

Now, my guess is that the death site part makes more sense if you've seen Linda Harvey's ass. I can't really be sure, but I feel like I have to come to the defense of butt stuff. First of all, Linda, it's not a substitute for vagina. They can be used in conjunction. The chakra isn't just the collar your husband makes you wear. And secondly, waist disposal and genital are not mutually exclusive. No matter where your husband says his pee comes out of, you've been licking his piss tube. Okay, I'll admit the anal sex story was just to lube you up for a much tougher one to take. And that comes to us from one Lori Mullins, the executive director of an Alabama crisis pregnancy center. You know, one of those anti-abortion clinics that disguise

themselves as abortion clinics because religious people are so moral and honest and stuff. pregnancy center. You know, one of those anti-abortion clinics that disguise themselves as abortion clinics because religious people are so moral and honest and stuff. Anyway, this callous bitch came out last week to deliver a public tirade against a recent court ruling that allowed a 12-year-old rape victim to have an abortion. She trotted out the old disproving canards about women who have abortions being more likely to suffer from depression and substance abuse, which, first of all, aren't true. But secondly, kind of feel like having to go through court proceedings at age 12 to have the ancestral rape baby aborted and then being demonized for it by a stranger is a risk factor for depression. Anyway, I could go into a lot

more detail, but I'm supposed to be watching my blood pressure. So I'm going to wrap this up there and hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in take your fucking medication news tonight. As regular listeners to our show will know, I'm a big fan of going to the doctor, specifically the brain doctor, because your brain that has been found is also part of your body. New listeners, welcome to the show. Try not to get spooked by the running jokes.

You'll listen to some back episodes. You'll be here for the new ones. It's a good time. It's like a little club that you're in. Yeah. Well, way easier than coming up with new jokes every week, too. So are you done advertising the show to the people who are presently listening to it? Almost, Noah. That's Noah. He's the boss. are presently listening to it? Almost, Noah.

That's Noah. He's the boss. Pretends not to be the boss sometimes. We all make the same amount of money. Anyway, my continued fandom of these brain doctors was proven once again this week when missing kindergarten teacher Jamie Davenport Tull was found alive less than a mile away from where she abandoned her car and walked away two weeks ago. Wait, so

where were they looking for the last two weeks? The area more than a mile from her car? What the fuck were they doing? Fucking dirt gently on the case. She's definitely not a Tahiti. Has anybody checked Nice? You start eight miles away and you work your way inward.

Everyone knows that. uh if you're wondering why she wandered off only to be found unable to move and drinking out of a horse trough to survive jesus it was because she didn't take her fucking medication specifically because her pastor and her pastor's wife told her the medication was the, quote, gateway drug to the devil, end quote. God damn it. So is that attempted negligent homicide by the pastor? Or did we restore religious death-causing freedom with an act? I can't remember.

It's one of them. To be fair, even when you're not religious, you're allowed to give life-threateningly stupid advice. Otherwise, we would be infringing on Eli's right to pretend he can fuck away bacterial infections. Wouldn't want to. That's right. Chronic ones, no less. Chronic. And look, this woman is now in recovery, and we wish her all the best.

But this is one of hundreds of incidents we've either heard from listeners to the show or seen in the news we report here but it is always worth saying again part of religion is saying you're broken and we're the only ones that can fix you and when stuff like medication and therapy you know which actually work come into play there's a lot of worthless pieces of shit like this woman's pastor who are willing to eliminate the competition even if it means eliminating a few of their flock yeah yeah so i'm thinking back i think i'm recalling an act what what if we added like no using this act to harm people like i like you're thinking that would cover talk murdering right seems like nobody could possibly argue with that what if we just like added something to it uh a political landscape that looks like Heath's Twitter feed.

Wouldn't that be nice? I mean, technically, the political landscape does look like the onion and three girls he knew in high school. So the point is, no matter when you stepped out of religion, whether it was yesterday or even if you haven't stepped out yet and you're sneaking this podcast past your mom while you pretend to listen to Joel Osteen's, there is real help for you. There is nothing shameful about it. There's nothing weak about it. So save yourself from walking in this woman's shoes and take your fucking medication. Amen.

Amen, indeed. And finally tonight in grill marks of the beast news outback steakhouse might be acting in league with satan the prince of darkness according to a recent geometry study the restaurant chain appears to be placing their locations in groups of five that often resemble the five points of a pentagram okay but have you eaten a blooming onion if what happens afterwards doesn't count as a curse nothing should that's all i'm saying it's all right so wait remind me eli is it salad fork fish fork pitchfork or salad pitch fish oh my god it's you work from the outside in in the order of courses how hard is this you've been going on about the sun going in front of the moon or

something for a month and i listen to that it's gonna it's gonna get dark and then it's gonna be a thing i could google a picture of and you're going and say i'm very attentive it's six easy forks to memorize all right so uh getting back to this uh outback thing so um to be clear when i said geometry study earlier i was talking about a tweet that went viral last week, which now has about 120,000 retweets. So heavily peer reviewed. According to Skeptic Magazine, geometry has been debunked. Good to know.

Yeah. Well, the tweet shows this pentagram pattern happening with outback locations around the country, including New York City. New York City, if you flip the map upside down, that wouldn't have worked with the north being up. They had to flip it. one's following along at home the observation was that one could draw five pointed shapes around five point clusters like almost every time is it just me or are the illuminati getting fucked up lazy at this point just rascaling up to an altar with a virgin on it we need a can we get a guillotine with a remote yeah so uh despite the original tweet being an obvious joke the world is full of stupid christian people with twitter one of them got 304 electoral votes and regardless of exactly how many of those retweets came from panicky religious people it's more than zero outback was quite certain that number was large enough that they needed to make an official public statement and deny any collaboration with the devil.

Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. Can you imagine what that meeting was like? Was like? Was like? Hey, Alan, you got a second? Hey, Dive and Terry, how you going? How you going? Still, uh, doing that accent, huh?

Yeah, well, when you're here, you're outback. Yeah, outback, right. Yeah. We also work for the Tampa, Florida-based restaurant chain. There, Alan. Crocodile. Yep, yep. Both Florida and Australia have crocodiles.

No. Anyway, so I want to talk to you about a tweet. Oh, God. Look, I want to start out by saying I asked how old she was, and she was sending me pictures way before the conversation. No, no, no. No, nope. But, okay, pin in that.

This is the one about the locations forming a star. Oh. Never more, then. What can I do you for, mate? Yep, accent comes right back, huh? Anyway, some Christians are worried that we're now in league with the devil, and we need to issue a statement that we're not. Not in league with the devil, yeah.

Yeah. No problem. How about the only down under we're associated with is the Outback. No, I'm thinking maybe something a little less cutesy. I love the Christ blooms like an onion. I feel like we're going a little too far in the other direction. We'll workshop it tomorrow. Yes.

Sounds good. Sounds good. So you didn't know how old who was. We're done here. We can just wrap up this meeting. Cut to the heart. All right. Well, all that being said,

I consider myself a skeptic. So I did a little research of my own and it led to some very interesting results about this. For example, five different Applebee's will very often define a five-sided figure as well. Huh. This also works if you map out three McDonald's and two Burger Kings, which opens up all sorts of ratio questions. Also. There's some interesting stuff going on.

I noticed that towns with six McDonald's often run by the Jews. Ooh, creed of golden arches coming. But most telling of all was my research into the identity of Satan himself. I was looking at a map of the U.S. and I noticed that Washington, D.C., Chicago, Cambridge, Massachusetts, New York, and Honolulu all combine to form a very subtle pentagram of their own. Oh, shit. And who's lived in all those places? Barack Hussein Obama. Whoa.

Outback, Barack, pentagram. Yeah. Kenya, you do the math. Also, if you move the N from Hussein into his last name, Nobama, which is how many we should have had, his names each have six letters in them. Also, he did usher in the end times. That one's true. So there you go.

And I'm Banksy. So lots of people are calling this a simple case of Christian idiots with space pareidolia. But there's no denying that outback is indeed creating five-sided figures in two-dimensional map space also known as pentagons and what sounds like pentagon exactly penthouse and what sounds like penthouse oh that's right pentagram and porterhouse coincidence i think not so obviously we're gonna need 30 seconds on the clock menu items for the satanic restaurant go uh i stand by my choice of the blooming onion i almost died you guys i

almost died all right how about um some forbidden apple pie with a pentagram cracker crust fresh out of the Mephistopheles Bay coven. What about the blints of darkness? Juicifer. You can order that. It's a beverage. You can't order it.

Juice is a beverage. That's a thing you can get at a restaurant. That was a good one, guys. Don't make fun of Eli. I mean, honestly, I had original cinnamon rolls, so it's not like we were about to just knock it out of the park after that one. How about Beals of Bubble and Squeak? Come on, England.

What? I got your British thing in there. Paradise Fosters Huh? It's Australian Australian for beer Egg Planty Christ Parmesan

You were gone for a whole week It was just me and Eli trying to do this shit You have one more don't you? I got one more How about Ste tartarus? Steak tartarus. Deviled eggs. Doubled, please.

Doubled. I imagine they'd serve deviled eggs. Deviled. Two girls, one cupcake. One devil's food cupcake. There you go. All right. We should stop doing this segment.

This is the last one, guys. We finished. Yay. Thanks for those tweets to respond to and now that we've got that takeout menu all filled in i guess we can close the headlines for the night heath eli thanks as always florida doesn't have crocodiles we know that don't email and when we come back the blissful part of my life where i didn't have to read the book of Elmo, will come to an end. Hi. I know we don't usually do this kind of thing,

but on last week's show, I wrote a sketch about Heath being gone in which we asked you to donate at patreon.com forward slash scathing atheist. And I made a very insensitive joke about a very serious condition. I was unaware at the time when I wrote it how serious and common having multiple buttholes, or as I now know it's called, pleurorectomy, is. And to the literally hundreds of you who reached out, some of you with very strong words, I would like to apologize.

I had no idea this was a real thing, and if I had, I never would have made the joke. I am sorry. But we've been hit hard financially as well. As much as I hate to ask, it turns out many proud plural rectalists, as they again call themselves, were high level patrons of our show. And last week, our Patreon dropped by $8,000 an episode. That is now in the negative numbers. It costs us money every time we put out. We have to pay patrons.

I'm not even sure how that works legally, but it's true. So I know I made a mistake and I extend my deepest apologies. But please, if you can go to patreon.com forward slash scathing atheist and pledge because that bunch of assholes. And I mean that really literally are just going to shut us down. I am so sorry. Patreon.com forward slash scathing atheist. I feel like that would be talked about more. Hey, folks.

We're about to dive back into the Book of Mormon again. But before we do, I have to warn you that the Book of Alma had way more stupid than we were prepared for. After we recorded a breakdown of even just the first third of the book, we realized we had way too much material, which means we're going to have to split the breakdown between this week and next week. So at the end, when I say we'll return after the break, what I really mean is that we'll return next week. next week. With eight books in the rearview mirror and only seven lying before us, it feels as though the horizon is getting closer until you see how goddamn long the book of Alma is. Before we tackle this one, I think it's worth pointing out that multiple Exmo listeners have told me that even true believing Mormons make jokes about how long and boring this book is.

Which is why we're skipping it. Two votes. Yep. Skipping. All right, guys, if I made my wife read this for nothing, she would divorce me. And I like her better than you. Three votes. Three votes.

I'm in. I'm sorry. Four votes. I forgot I get a vote. We have an electoral college system here so i win anyway moving on because joseph smith never had an original thought ever we left off the last book leading into the mormon period of judges kind of like the jewish period of judges in the old testament except it was different damn it and that begins with alma, the son of Alma, of the land of Alma.

All right. And the first person for Alma, son of Alma, to judge apparently was a man named Nehor who was, quote, noted for his much strength, end of quote. And no, this was no closer to proper English in 1860. Joe Smith's like, what's with the red squiggles under these seer stones? It's like italics. I think it's italics the computer puts them in

it is not yeah and apparently Newhar is basically asking his parishioners to pay for his private jet on Kickstarter yeah well more importantly and way worse he says that everyone would be saved which everyone knows is just fucking ridiculous.

Well, yeah, they have to emphasize not only was he ripping him off, but yeah. So then Gideon gets into an argument with this false prophet who murders him with a sword. So Creflo Dollar could be worse. That's all we're saying. There is a level below Creflo Dollar. dollar could be worse. That's all we're saying. There is a level below Creflo dollar. Yeah, and based on our ongoing March Madness style crazy

African pastors bracket, I am once again very happy about having a secret lair. Yeah, no shit. Good stuff. If cell phone pictures of heaven guy stabs me with a sword, I want my own page in the atheist yearbook. That's all I'm saying. I will see to it. 14 threes. So

Alma sentences this dude to die knee-whore, but now the evil preachers have figured out a crazy loophole in the law. See, it's illegal to lie, but they pretended to believe what they were saying. So I'll have to talk to Andrew, but pretty sure that's going to clear Eli of a lot of defamation charges. Ooh, ooh. Okay, so it's 1989.

Cristiano Brothers driving around in this big white van. No, no, no. Two votes. Veto. Two votes. Veto. Zero votes. Yeah, more votes on veto.

Nope. So yeah, now once again, the true believers are being persecuted at the hands of some newfangled bullshit faith, which happens, I believe, in literally every chapter of this fucking book. Except for that little tiny ones, yeah. And there's a great moment in here where the true Nephites and the new religion priest guys

are not getting along and he says, quote, yay, they would smite one another with their fists, end quote. You mean fighting, Joe? Yeah, fighting is just the one word. Anyway, back and forth did they smite hither and thither.

How many pages now? Hither and thither. And left and right. And also thither. Jab, cross, hook. Jab, cross, hook. This is like the script for Rocky. We also get the seemingly contradictory claim about how all the good Mormons were humble, simple, unadorned,

and rich as all fuck. Yeah. Right. So rich that they had an abundance of silk and fine linen, which didn't even exist yet. That's how rich they were. I phone 18 from the future. Just a Nephite riding down the street on a hoverboard. You like it?

It's from the future. And now it's time for Joey to make up a new name. So we meet Amlekai, who is also an evil wrong preacher who will attempt to lead the Nephites astray. Yeah. And by the way, if the name Amlekai doesn't already seem stupid enough to you, keep in mind, he will give rise to the Amlekites. Of course he will.

You. Right. he will give rise to the Amlekites. Of course he will. I would bet all my worldly goods, Joe was like, and there came to pass a man named Almakai. Almakai.

Hat rocks. Almakai hat rocks. We'll just say Almakai. So now, Amlakai runs for king, but loses, apparently apparently but his followers are so pissed that they make him a king anyway because yeah amlikites are just like there's this thing called the electoral college we want to do that now what's it do oh it makes your vote matter less if you live in civilization that's the uh oh great great urban people only deserve about three-fifths i think

that's fair that's fair well this is america's origin story i would that would fit um and amlikai's trumpian first act as king by the way is to go after hillary for the emails basically so he declares war on all the people who voted against him but his plates this is getting spooky did he fire a bunch of his ancient Mormon generals too? Because I don't want to keep thinking. Using tiny little plates with 140 characters. Fucking asshole. So the Nephites when, or in Joey's words, quote,

did slay them with much slaughter. And there's a weird moment here where the book announces the score for the battle that did not happen. And apparently the score, it's 12,532 Amlekites dead to only 6,562 Nephites dead.

I smell a 300 prequel, but less racist than 300. Way less racist than 300. Way less racist than that movie. Was 300 racist? Oh, that movie about the white guys that fight off the brown hordes of the Persians? Yeah, that movie does not hold up super well to examination.

Are Greek people white? Is that what we're saying? In that movie, they were. Then the Amalekites team up with the Lamanites and the Nephites do battle again with them and they win on account of Jesus. And Alma even gets to kill Amalekite. Which is quite a feat because apparently the Amalekites were, quote, being as numerous, almost as it were, as the sands of the sea. Okay, that sentence doesn't make any sense. But how much sand is in the sea versus under the sea?

These are the questions. Well, there's also a particularly gruesome moment where the Nephites build a bridge out of their fallen enemies to cross a river. And as brutal as that is, I'd love to know the logistics on it. Exactly. Okay, we got a leg bone. I need a leg bone. Oh, the leg bone guys are on lunch. Fucking unions.

Let's just stack the whole bodies. We'll do it perpendicular. Nerd. Nerd. let's just stack the whole bodies we'll do it perpendicular like nerd by the way the laminates were so numerous they could not be numbered just like the sands in the sea yeah but despite all that the nephites drove them into the wilderness where no shit they were eaten by bears and shit shit and this chapter ends with quote and their bones have been found there end quote like

there sure is a lot of anthropological evidence of this so if anyone ever says there isn't um I'm lying and there were femurs that said lower deck eastbound.

They got thrown out with my big box of Mickey Mantle rookie cards. But not all of them were killed because after, quote, having buried those who had been slain, now the number of slain were not numbered because of the greatness of their number. End of quote. The rest returned to their lands you get the feeling joe smith was like super proud of the scorekeeping he did in the other chapter but he didn't want to do it again so he's just laying that down here and again joe puts in the book that they threw all the dead lamanites in the sea and quote behold their bones are in the depths of the sea and there are many end quote no no there are not such a weirdly specific lie you guys want to see a bigfoot corpse i got like

a hundred and basically this chapter boils down to uh amalekites were bad but they weren't quite black yet you know they were like the rock or jessica elba greek greek yeah there you go yeah see the amlekites put a mark of red on their heads like the lamanites but they didn't shave their heads or walk around naked you see oh okay right so heath lamanite eli amlekite. Exactly. Except sometimes. Yeah. After that, it's just a long list of shit God will turn you black over again.

If you want one chapter that fully embodies the racism of this book, I feel like Alma chapter 3 is your best example so far. Hell, in verse 19, he makes it super clear that it's black people's own damn fault they're black. Right. Shouldn't have fucked black people. Turns their kids black. Hell, in verse 19, he makes it super clear that it's black people's own damn fault they're black. Right. Shouldn't have fucked black people. Turns your kids black. Yeah, right.

Science. W plus O equals O. Joe gets it. He gets it. So, there's peace for a while, but Nephites can only make it a year or two between straying from the one true God, of course. So, soon enough, they're back to their heathenous ways again.

It says they began to wear very costly apparel. And I'm just picturing a Nephite in a North Face jacket. What up, my Lamanites? Yeah, the church starts going to shit so fast that Alma resigns as chief judge. He puts a new Nephite in charge. The new Nephite's name was

Nephi-ha. Go fuck yourself. And then Alma devotes himself to straighten up them damn heathens again. Almost like the Vladimir Putin of the ancient Mormons. Just, okay, I'm not the thing that doesn't have all

the power anymore I'm this thing now I uh I own the president couldn't afford a communist accent but I got a lot of money and then we're treated to a painfully long series of bloviating sermons from Alma which start by the way with Alma recounting all the parts of this book that Joseph Smith could remember offhand. And some Matthew and John before they were born. Yeah, right. Also, the driving message of this sermon seems to be, take the word of the right people or else.

I also feel like don't show up to the afterlife in shitty clothes is a big part of it. Yeah. Yes. He literally says, quote, and now I ask of you, my brethren,

how will any of you feel if you stand before the bar of God, having your garments stained with blood and all manner of filthiness and quote, and I am officially worried about how often Joseph writes about how embarrassing it would be to be caught with clothes covered in blood. It is a lot now. Right? Nobody liked that Mentos commercial.

I thought it was written. I thought it was written. Nobody liked it. And then Joey goes off on a bit that sounds like Eli trying to tell Heath to call his girlfriend more often. It's all like, hey, the good shepherd has been trying to call you, man. Did you not see his text? Because he said he really likes spending time with you. You should call him.

He's free all weekend, basically. And lo, the Lord said, it hath been a year and you are 35. Not a year. Not a year. If we're counting, you're 35. 11 and a half months only. He also pulls a trick from Muhammad's playbook and starts bragging about how easy to understand this book is.

And he also reminds us not to hang out with people who don't believe in pre-Jesus or even play with their PlayStation or use the same fucking water fountain because they're dirty. Yes. And then Alma heads to G gideon for another awesome sermon that lucinda i believe you mean quote into the valley of gideon there having been a city built

which was called the city of gideon which was in the valley that was called gideon and which we get in chapter seven yeah and for what it's worth this is a way better sermon than the last one first of all it's only about half as long but secondly he starts off with flattery right basically his opening line is look i know you you're not as debauchers as those filthy fucks and zara hemla but still god all right yeah and again there is a strong middle child thing going on throughout this like all right now you've repented. Very good. Unlike those assholes at Zarahemla.

I need to get you baptized almost as much as I need those dickholes at Zarahemla. And then Alma goes to preach in the land of Melek and then to the city of Ammonaha. Ammon, Ammonaha of Ammonaha. Ammonaha. Ammonaha. Ammon-a-ha. Uh-huh. That's such an obviously bullshit name that Joey feels the need to explain it

away. You know, because he went to the city of Ammonaha. And everyone's just clearly just looking at him like, is that what you meant to say, Joey? Because he's like, because, you know, they all kind of named their cities after named characters in this book so far. It's a weird thing that they did. I'm not out of names.

You're out of names. This whole courtroom's out of names. But alas, the people of Ammon-a-ha-ha were too darn Satan-y even for Alma. Yeah. He just walks into Ammon-amonah. They're all smoking a cigarette next to Satan in a giant bed. So they all spit on him, apparently, and drive him out of town.

And right about here, God decides Alma could use a little pep talk. So he steps in and lets him know what a swell job he's doing so far. Just that Alma had a performance review with an angel. So you got spit on and that's something to work on something to work on but you're always on time that's good so pluses and minuses so now that he's all fired up he heads back to amina hall to set those

motherfuckers straight and give them back their spit and this is where he meets his new buddy amulek because if there's anything a character named this is where he meets his new buddy amulek because if there's anything a character named alma needs it's a sidekick named amulek and i love how this character is introduced okay listen to this quote and as he entered the city he was and hungered and he said to a man yep give to a humble servant of God something to eat and the man said unto him I am a Nephite and I know that thou art a holy prophet of God for thou

art the man whom an angel said in a vision thou shalt receive therefore go with me into my house and I will impart unto thee of my food and I know that thou wilt be a blessing unto me in my house end quote and that is darn convenient yeah lucky fella i was like huh so uh where were you when all the spitting was going

right so attention so with a robin to his batman they set out to straighten out those damned aminaha hyans again also and this is just tacked on at the end like an afterthought, but God made them superheroes too. They were invincible and they could not be imprisoned, which is nifty. Yeah. But they wait until they're imprisoned to show it off. Alma and Amulek were like the OG Penn and Teller.

Yeah, right, right. No, no, no, I can turn invisible, but only when you're not looking. What? Right. Magicians, preachy, two of them. I get it. Yeah, absolutely. And then we're treated to a full five fucking chapters of Alma and Amulek sermons to the goddamn people of goddamn

Amulek. Right, but this chapter switches back to the first person, like momentarily, just to fuck with us first. It's like Kevin Spacey turned to the camera. I bet you thought I forgot I was the one carving these plates. But I did not. Totally pictured it.

I feel like this sermon in Amunah can best be summed up as, you're even worse than the black people. Seriously, y'all. Seriously. With a heavy helping of, you want to get black people? Because this is how than the black people. Seriously, y'all. Seriously. With a heavy helping of you want to get black people? Because this is how you get black people. They'll be everywhere. Everywhere. Also, the

only evidence he seems to offer up is look, guys, I hear voices and see angels. I feel like that makes me super reliable. Right. Come on. And this all pisses the people he's preaching to off. So they try to arrest him, but he uses his unarrestable powers. So then Amulek starts his sermon.

Guy in the back's like, probably should have grabbed them both. Huh? Right. The move. Right. So this sermon starts with three verses of Joseph Smith vamping a genealogy for this character. You can imagine how good that goes. Yeah, fun.

And we learn that he's the son of Aminadi, not to be confused with Abinadi. Yeah. So that's fucking fun. We're just obviously throwing Scrabble tiles into the hat now. Right. Right. And Aminadi had the exact same wall reading experience as Daniel in the Bible. Huh.

What are the odds? But suffice to say, Amulek is just a simple caveman Nephite who doesn't know much about all this God mumbo jumbo. All he knows is that Alma is right. There's definitely a you should see this dude bless hype man quality to the whole. Yes. And everyone is super impressed by amulek's story because sure i mean one guy could be lying but why would a second guy lie about the first guy right it's impossible bros before woes sure so amulek wraps up dudes before dudes people are

like damn it we need to have these guys killed. So they hire some lawyers to have them convicted. And this book has a weird like fucking lawyers, am I right? Like aside at this point. But they can't do it because as it turns out, Amulek is a mind reader. Yep. Yep. Also.

Invincibility, uncageability, and telepathy. It's like a kid playing pretend. No, because I also. And we should point out his use for telepathy is to insult the lawyers because all he does is like, oh, you lawyers are a bunch of fucking guys. Guys, guys, guys. Guys. Niggardly. I said the adjective niggardly. So the people are all pissed at Amulek for out

telepathic being them. So they bitch about who subverted whose laws. And I only bring that up so that I can highlight my favorite Joseph Smith name so far. Chief among Amulek's accusers was a fella by the name of, get ready for it, Zizrom. Zizrom.

Zizrom. Z-E-E-Z-R-O-M. Yeah. And look, to get through this whole book in time, we're going to have to do at least 20 chapters this week, but God damn it, this is boring and we're only halfway through. So we're going to take a quick break and when we come back nothing interesting will keep happening. Call your girlfriend. The end of the knights who say knee.

Like. Before we hunker back in our bomb shelters this week, I want to remind everybody that we're going to be recording God awful movies live in Austin, Texas and Salt Lake city. In a couple of months, the Austin show is Friday, September 22nd and the Salt Lake city show is Sunday, October 1st.

Tickets are still available for the main show and the platinum night dinner the night before those platinum night tickets will sell out. So if you want to roast the movie with us live, hop on that quick, you'll find links to buy your tickets at scathingadeus.com anyway that's all the blast movie we've got for you tonight we'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more if you can't wait that long be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show's hot friend god awful movies at 7 a.m eastern on tuesday gonna be breaking down a hindu cartoon this week that'll be weird also

look for an even newer episode of our half sister show citation needed debuting at noon eastern on wednesday now obviously this show would seem like a wanton tease if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for basically stepping out of a plane and into the office on Monday. I need to thank the lovely Lucinda Lusions for her continued vigilance in the war against figurative prick-waving. I need to thank the lovely in his own way Eli Bosnick

for reasons that also involve prick-waving but which Andrew has advised me not to freely admit to on the air. Also, huge thanks to Kelly for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. If you'd like to thank her by giving her a follow on Twitter, once again, that's at GayArtGoblin, which will be linked on the show notes. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most boisterous boys and girls, John J., Andrew, Cody, Mason, Brandon, David, Jillian, Genevieve, Gridfire,

Skylar, Leone, Corey, Alan, Mark, Kyle, Adrian, Statesboro Atheist, Joel, Davis, Taru, and Fido. John J., Andrew, Cody, Mason, Brandon, and David, who have to add stuff like one of six to send a dick pic. Jillian, Genevieve, Gridfire, Skylar, Leone, Corey Allen, and Mark were so sexy their personal stylists just recommend nudity. And Kyle, Adrian, Statesboro Atheist, Joel, David, Taru, and Fido were so rational they could talk pie into settling on 12 digits.

Together, these 22 totally tuned-up tools of tumescence put a token of treasure towards our tubular tutorials against the turbulent, totalitarian, totemic toadies this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the money to give us money, but if you do, you can. You can make a per-episode donation to patreon.com slash scathingadeist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free edition

of every show, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button on the right side of the homepage at scathingadeist.com. And if you'd like to help, but not in a just-giving-us-money kind of way, you can also get something back for that investment by picking up a copy of our Diatribes Volume 1 or the predictably titled Diatribes Volume 2, which you'll also find linked on the website. Legal services for this podcast

are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at ScalingAdias.com. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, Morgan. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm, LLC. Copyright 2017. All rights reserved.