The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 235: Radical Christian Terrorism Edition
Episode Date: August 17, 2017In this week’s episode, We’ll talk about the Radical Christian Terrorists the mainstream media won't, Eli steps on Heath’s joke that he wrote first before the headlines even start, and Joseph Sm...ith will join us to avenge our decision to read the Book of Mormon. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies Guest Links: You can hear Noah on Doubting Dogma here: http://doubtingdogma.libsyn.com/17-noah-lugeons-bullshitometer Headlines: Charlottesville: http://www.cnn.com/2017/08/12/politics/trump-charlottesville-statement/index.html http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/08/12/violent-white-nationalist-rally-in-charlottesville-leads-to-state-of-emergency/ http://www.cnn.com/2017/08/14/politics/charlottesville-nazi-trump-statement-trnd/index.html Anti-Muslim folks in Norway outraged by picture of bus seats they thought were women in burqas: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/08/04/anti-muslim-bigots-in-norway-are-furious-at-these-bus-seats/ Malaysian government official: “We need to hunt down atheists” http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/08/08/malaysian-government-official-we-need-to-hunt-down-atheists/ Irish politician blames fairies and bad luck for road damage: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/08/09/fairies-and-bad-luck-are-damaging-a-road-in-ireland-according-to-one-lawmaker/ Rapper claims god made him bulletproof; gets shot and killed: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2017/08/rapper-shot-killed-claiming-god-made-bulletproof/ This Week in Misogyny: Six people charged with “teaching western dance moves” after Zumba class in Iran: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/aug/09/iranian-children-arrested-for-teaching-zumba-and-western-dance-hijab Nepal passes law against isolating women during menstruation: https://www.theguardian.com/global-development/2017/aug/10/nepal-outlaws-custom-of-exiling-women-during-their-periods Chinese restaurant allegedly offering discounts to women based on bra size: http://www.bbc.com/news/blogs-news-from-elsewhere-40851224
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Warning, this week's episode could not possibly contain enough profanity, but it tries.
This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by ZipRecruiter.com
and by our Jeff Sessions in five words or less contest.
Today's winner is at Fact Based Living, who had Scrotum designed by Salvador Dali.
Well played.
And a quick summary of the contest as a whole.
The Capitol Hills have eyes.
And now it's time for a new subject.
Prank proposal maker Eli Bosnick.
That's going to be the new subject.
Tweet us your best five words or less describing Eli using the hashtag BosnickSkate.
And you could be the next winner.
And now, Skating Atheist.
Hi, I'm Molly Ann Moorman from the Doubting Dogma blog and podcast.
And despite what my parents raised me to believe,
I know that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. Amen.
It's Thursday.
It's August 17th.
And if you're going to make fun of Hitler, who's next? George Washington?
You like George Washington?
Excuse me, excuse me. I have no illusions.
I'm Eli Bosnick.
I'm Heath Enright.
And from New York, New York, Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is The Skating Atheist.
On this week's episode, we'll talk about the radical Christian terrorists the mainstream media won't. Eli steps
on my joke that I wrote first before
the headlines even start. He does that.
And Joseph Smith will be here to avenge our
decision to read the Book of Mormon.
First, the diatribe. There are three basic categories of complaint that we get from atheists.
The first is that we say, fuck too much.
Now, I've done multiple diatribes on that subject, but for the purposes of our discussion here, I'll just summarize my answer as fuck all that. The second is,
Eli really shouldn't joke about that. It is not funny. And my answer to that usually is,
yeah, probably. But the third category of complaint used to be the hard one to answer.
Used to require a bit of imagination on the part of my inquisitor and at least a couple of seemingly
fanciful worst case scenario hypotheticals on my part but luckily for me we now live smack in the
middle of a worst case scenario and that third category has gotten a lot easier to answer or
it would i guess if anybody bothered to ask the question anymore see since the inception of this
show we've had a steady stream of listeners
chiming in to suggest we spend a little less time
on the absolutely crazy motherfuckers.
Until his death, Fred Phelps was always the go-to example, right?
People would say, look, most Christians don't take Fred Phelps seriously.
He doesn't represent anything like typical manifestations of his religion.
And his church has like eight people and they're all related to him.
So why hold him up as the example? isn't that a form of straw manning now to be honest we never talked about
that particular asshole very much but you can substitute in p robes or pastor manning or that
scrawny little fucker who's always on about which disney princesses are lesbians and ask the same
question they don't represent the mainstream of their faith and the mainstream of their faith is
what we're most often pitted against as atheists.
Wouldn't it make more sense to focus in on the people that the Christians actually do take seriously?
After all, if we can knock down the best they have to offer, that's going to be a lot more influential than knocking down the very worst, isn't it?
And for a long time, that was a kind of tough question to answer.
I'd have to lay out cause and effect about how the mainstream base of the pyramid was holding up the batshit crazy capstone. I'd have to explain that whether or not
he was a thought leader, fat guy in a red hat was a canary wheezing his way through the coal mine.
And back in the halcyon days of 2015, even my best retorts demanded a bit of imagination on
the part of the interlocutor. But now all I have to say is these people are advising the goddamn president on a nuclear threat
or rather i would have to say that but again nobody asks anymore see there was a time when
you could realistically email me and say okay what kind of harm could somebody as nutty as
ken ham actually cause but that just kind of answers itself in 2017 doesn't it you could say
come on man what influential person will be caught dead in a room with
Pat Robertson back before the answer was the goddamn president?
And you could say it's not like the Supreme Court would ever let him get away with that
with a naive air of confidence before Neil and pray Gorsuch elbowed his way onto the
bench.
Now, look, I don't intend this diatribe to be an I told you so, but I did
tell you so. For a lot of years, the secular world was busy not taking these assholes seriously while
they were busy taking over the goddamn country. And there is a lesson to learn in our apathy.
I mean, think about it. For a couple of years, it was all the rage to borrow George W. Bush's
Mission Accomplished banner and declare the atheist movement victorious and even superfluous since we'd already won all the intellectual arguments.
You know, and I get it.
I see how you get there.
I see how when you're faced with the question, how could anybody take Ken Ham's story of a cousin fucking boat repopulate the world?
Seriously, you answer they can't.
But the evidence is clearly against you.
Right.
Clearly against you.
Right?
I mean, when the demographic we're divvying up is people who think a magical carpenter died so that they wouldn't have to be whipped by a fire satyr for masturbating, we should take zero allowances for anything being too stupid to be believed.
And the stakes for being wrong on this one could not be higher.
The commander in chief is playing nuclear bet you won't with some psychotic, insecure fat kid. And the only people cheering him on are the folks that have their very own page on right wing watch.
His most vocal supporters in this read like a list of people he's given nicknames to over the course of the show.
In other words, exactly the people emailers used to ask why we bothered to cover so damn much.
The people who gleefully await Armageddon and just might get it.
But again, this isn't an I told you so, so much as
I'm continuing to tell you so. Look, this is not the end game and it's just going to get crazier
from here because if they can't get the road, they'll settle for the handmaid's tale, which
means that the fucking people we're covering will be saying stuff that's even harder to take
seriously now. And yet we absolutely cannot afford to dismiss
them as too crazy to bother to refute look we're a hell of a lot closer to theocracy right now than
we were when we started this show we've taken a lot of steps backwards as a country and the
only reason we're here is because we assumed we couldn't get here they're talking about you
joining me for headlines tonight are two men who are secretly looking forward to glowing in the
dark heathen right and eli bosnick fellas are you ready to forage for mutant deer or what
well i've been uh secretly pascal wagering this whole time so i'm gonna get raptured
oh good luck to you guys don though. Don't take the mark.
I already signed up for Apple Pay, and I'm pretty sure explaining what that is to people in
Spanish Harlem is worse than hell,
so I'm going to chance it.
Alright, well, quick before Eli
spills the beans about Apple Pay being the mark of the beast,
thus revealing us all to be shills for the Illuminati,
we're going to take a quick break for the word from this week's
sponsor, ZipRecruiter.
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Okay, here's what I don't get.
If they're shapeshifters,
how are they still lizards
any more than they're like chocolate chips?
How can shape-shifting modify a physical form?
I'm pretty sure lizard is like the default setting.
Oh, okay.
When they're just like chilling.
Factory.
Right.
And now, back to the headlines.
In our lead story tonight, in response to a Robert E. Lee statue getting moved, Eli's Facebook and Twitter came to life last weekend, poured out of his screen, and marched around in Charlottesville, Virginia with torches and pitchforks yelling bigotry.
Actually, maybe not the pitchforks for being accurate.
It was more like homemade riot gear, Nazi flags, and deadly firearms that lots of them were legally carrying.
And somehow, I don't know how, but somehow this all led to violence.
You don't say.
Not sure.
Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know how it happened.
But this violence includes a counter protester getting murdered by a neo-Nazi with a car.
I think I'm going to start warning people about the rise of beautiful, full-breasted women who can't stop giving me shoulder massages.
This is a weird superpower I have.
Switch off your thing.
That was weird that you didn't choose that right away.
Weird transitional joke away from counter-protester getting murdered by a neo-Nazi, if you don't mind a note.
If you don't mind a note.
I do mind that note.
Tackle.
so the goals of eli's terrifying weird science project were an odd combination of ignorant nonsense including the preservation of the rich cultural heritage of the guys who
lost the civil war and lost world war ii yeah um slavers and nazis just to be clear is who we're
talking about also on their list of talking points
was killing all the jews obviously and also the muslims and black people um and did i mention
they're all christian yeah the german nazis were all atheists but these new guys managed to find
some inspiration for hate in the bible of all places say it barack hussein obama radical
christian fundamentalism are you sure islam remains
the worst in those rankings but yeah well yeah but you know what the ku klux klan doesn't burn
flying spaghetti monsters so there's that see see and also we got to point out there were twice as
many terrorist attacks by right-wing terrorists than muslim terrorists between 2008 and 2016 in the U.S. So, I mean, yeah, way worse.
Muslims are worse at terrorism.
But you can't sell books called Watch Out for Kyle or Kyle is wrecking Europe.
So what are you going to do?
You got to just for emphasis, those are U.S. statistics and not at all reflective of worldwide
numbers.
I mean, you know, we're not going to call a baseball championship the World Series
if we don't let the Japanese play, are we?
So, yeah, Islam definitely remains the worst of all the religions, but still.
Okay, so only North American listeners worry about Kyle.
English listeners, you can focus on your number one terrorist threat, the Irish.
More on them in a second.
Actually, in five, four, three.
In the wake of tragic events like this,
it's important to have a strong national leader
who can unite us all behind the right message.
And I'm proud to say that the President of the United States
is against neo-Nazis killing people with cars.
Eventually. Eventually. he's eventually against
that kind of but he's yeah yeah so by the time this goes out who the fuck knows right at the
moment he's eventually against that yeah so after thinking about it for two days he's pretty sure
the kkk that his grandfather marched with is a bad thing.
Or at least he said that.
Just to be clear, Trump's initial response on Saturday was basically, yeah, okay, don't kill people with cars.
But look how they were dressed, though.
I mean, come on.
But then he came out Monday and said, okay, yeah, fine, whatever.
I'm anti-Nazi.
Happy rumpf.
Cool. Right. But then this morning we're
recording this on tuesday then in morning he was like he tweeted a gif of the trump train
running over a human body with a cnn face like texting his white supremacist girlfriend a heart
emoji after a big fight and then and then later today like 20 minutes before we
fucking record the show
he went on and blamed the alt left
and said that they started
it and that the people there were just protesting
taking down a statue and that
they're going to tear down statues of George Washington
is next so yeah you know all
the dogs can hear the whistle all
the dogs are now paying attention
so can everyone else that's it's no long it's just
a whistle at this point bro you're just whistling neo-nazis and liberals are the same
i love nazis Nazis. All right. So bottom line message here.
Christianity is bad
for society. The most. The second
most. Also Islam.
Second most. Bad for society.
I beeped out second. That's what was beeped out.
And also a Buddhist was
mean to the blind guy that other time. Yeah.
And killed a bunch of people in Burma and Sri Lanka
for not being Buddhist. Noah hates Buddhist people.
There we go.
It's a weird undercurrent to this week.
Bottom line, Noah hates Buddhists.
Point being.
Bottom line.
Take that away from this show.
This week.
This year.
Well, if that's the bottom line, how can there be a point being?
The point, I'm clarifying.
I'm clarifying.
You hate Buddhists.
And there is, you know, an unwavering belief in wrong stuff that's going around.
And that's going to be some amount of bad.
Oh, yeah.
No matter what.
But that didn't stop Trump from pandering to Christianity and praising real God.
I guess he referred to the one we're all created by the real one during multiple statements about a murdery Christian hate group.
So here's what I'm thinking.
Everyone seems to get super mad
whenever I talk about the Muslim ban idea.
So maybe we try a white Christian ban, right?
I'm just asking questions.
Right.
I wonder what that would be like.
That would be like.
That would be like.
Hey, I'm BonerFart7.
Welcome back to Random Atheist YouTube.
Taking a break today from Minecraft videos about bots is a woman who looks like her ideas.
Woman, is Christianity ruining America?
Thanks, BonerFart7.
You do really great skeptical work here.
I do, I do.
I went to school in an abandoned airplane.
The best kind of school.
So in my book, Oogie Boogie Boogie, They're Gonna Get Ya,
I explain the ways in which the so-called Christian ban,
which in fact doesn't ban Christians unless you know what words mean,
is really the best way to figure out the whole Christian question.
Uh-oh, Christian question.
Doesn't that sound a little similar to the Jewish question that the Nazis talk about?
I am a Nazi in every conceivable way I could be without traveling through time. question. Doesn't that sound a little similar to the Jewish question that the Nazis talk about?
I am a Nazi in every conceivable way I could be without traveling through time.
Good to know. Good to know. Next up, Hearthstone, what are all those cards for?
Joining me on the panel today are a doctorate and a man who wears a baseball cap to weddings gentlemen we should hear what both of you have to say well it's obvious to me that to make a sweeping
general look look look all i'm saying is that christians have a lot of responsibility to take
for their community if your church ain't doing nothing wrong then having me stand inside with a machine gun, a glaring ain't hurting nobody.
I know some great Christians,
and they say to me, excuse me.
They say to me, excuse me.
They say to me, excuse me.
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me.
You know what, Donald? You're right. We are a bestial animal people,
and if you don't put us down, who will?
There were people on both sides,
both sides of that Christian protest,
people murdering the innocent people and the people
saying, oh no, don't murder me.
Please stop murdering me. Both bad.
Two wrongs make an alt-right president.
That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying.
Excuse me.
Just like that. It was a good question.
I mean, I feel like that was a useful, we've hashed it out.
Science.
Interesting, interesting.
Let's think about that.
Exactly.
And in the shit heels on the bus go round and round news tonight.
It's not often on this show that we get to shit on the atheist paradise that is Scandinavia.
But this week, it's nice to know that at least their Facebook is also filled with bigoted assholes.
Did you know you can link up your Twitter to Facebook and retweet stuff on both at the same time?
It's so fun.
That does sound fun for you.
Right?
Did you know, too, that you can curate the people on your Facebook page?
And also that that's the whole point.
I don't eat ham noah don't eat
now cure cure ham ham yeah no okay someone right now is getting ready to write a tweet i don't
understand just hit the back 30 seconds i'm funny now as someone who watches race
now as anyone who watches racist youtube as much as I do will know, the recent immigration of Muslims into Scandinavia has many people who use the word skeptic and realist wrong freaking out over the coming Sharia caliphate.
And this was made apparent when John Slatovic posted a photo of four empty bus seats that kind of sort of look like women in burqas if you're an idiot to the Facebook group, which I will try to pronounce because I love to mock your bouncy yo-yo of a language.
Fatherland first.
Or fatherland first.
With the caption, what do people think of this?
And the answer, by the way, was they don't think of this.
Because the comments were filled with xenophobic terror at the idea that the bus seats in question could, quote,
be terrorists hiding weapons.
Whilst dressed as bus seats.
All right, well, fuck buses.
Nobody cares.
But in terms of stuff like airport security,
I feel like the racist people kind of have a point.
We're not letting beekeepers and ninjas and the fucking guy from Assassin's Creed go through the airport with their costumes on.
So Muslims have it too easy at the airport is what I'm saying.
We're being way too nice to Muslims at airports.
Someone finally says it.
That's what Noah screamed at that Irish lady.
That is hardly the most significant thing I screamed at that Irish lady. That is hardly the most significant thing
I screamed at that Irish lady.
It is not.
And while it's true, the burqa
is a complex cultural construct
that raises a lot of questions about freedom
and culture and what
value should and should not be imposed
in society. Just remember, the last
time we accepted immigrants with a different religion
than ours, with obscure customs and more traditional values values we ended up with the irish so be careful
okay okay but now we're mostly racist and we help stop that kind of stuff
helpful now never forget and in what you get for naming your country after malays news tonight
malaysian atheists are fearing for their lives even more than usual this week after Shahidin Qasim, a minister in the presidential cabinet over there, suggested that Muslim apostates in the nation should be, quote, hunted down because this is a country with religion.
The quote goes on.
We have Islam and we have other religions.
So some of his best friends are apparently he lists them. He we have other religions. So some of his best friends are apparently, he lists them.
He lists the other religions.
They have Christianity, Buddhism, Confucianism, Hinduism.
We don't have those without religion, end quote.
It's like if you threaten to murder all the black swans you saw with sticks.
It's a thinker.
It's a thinker.
It's like the other way they should probably have a White Swans Matter rally at some point.
I'm sure it won't turn violent.
And if it does, both sides will be to blame.
Now, I should note that Kasim is hardly a lone voice on this issue.
This tirade and many more just like it were prompted by an online photo of an atheist group meeting in Kuala Lumpur.
Or at least that's like the official excuse.
But in truth, we're about a week away from parliamentary elections in Malaysia, and their
version of the Tea Party is desperately trying to stir up racism and religious animosity
to fire up their base, which is a playbook we're all pretty familiar with at this point.
So I guess we can't say shit.
And while we all come to grips with the fact that at least we're not, Malaysia is becoming
a decreasingly viable platitude. We'll take a break and hand things over to my lovely wife Lucinda a man wrote
the bible a whore is what she wants if it's a legitimate race it makes you a slut right
cooking can be fun hey I'm proud of a man this week in misogyny
all right so I have a couple of international updates to start us off this week a couple of
weeks ago I devoted a pretty sizable chunk of this segment to applauding a couple of incremental plank-sized steps toward gender equality in Iran.
And while I made it clear that the overall situation there was still pretty fucking backwards, the nation itself seemed to think I didn't emphasize this point enough.
So, they arrested a bunch of people last week for teaching Zumba classes.
enough. So they arrested a bunch of people last week for teaching Zumba classes. That's right,
six people in all were arrested for teaching Western dance moves in an aerobics class.
Now, obviously, that's because sex hip undulations are such a blatant rape invite.
But Iranian authorities wanted to make it clear that it wasn't just the classes. They were also filming their sinful gyrations in an effort to corrupt minds through a coordinated cyber attack of lady parts. A cyber attack, if you will. Eli would be so proud. Anyway,
the dancers were charged with failing to wear a hijab and, of course, dancing because their entire
religion is the bad guy from an 80s movie and women dancing in front of men is against the goddamn law.
I've also got a quick update from Nepal.
You might recall that on that very same segment where I talked about Iran's infinitesimal scooches toward equality,
I also talked about a woman that lived in Nepal who died of a snake bite because nobody was allowed to touch her while she was menstruating, even if it was to save her life.
Well, apparently that's so fucked up that even the Nepalese politicians are embarrassed about it.
So they responded by outlawing the custom of exiling women during their periods.
Of course, it's now not the fucking Middle Ages, so they don't exactly deserve a pat on the back here.
And what's more, the practice was actually banned by their Supreme Court back in 2005.
So now all the government is doing is promising to enforce the existing law.
But hell, when you're looking for good news on the misogyny front in Nepal, this is as good as you're likely to do.
And finally, I've got a story from the Got Milk file.
I honestly don't talk much about China in this segment, but it's not because they're wanting for sexism.
It's just that usually when I'm looking eastward for international sexism, I usually don't have to look past the middle part.
Usually when I'm looking eastward for international sexism, I usually don't have to look past the middle part.
Anyway, a Chinese restaurant is in hot water this week when it came to light that they were offering discounts to female patrons that depended on their bra size.
The trendy shrimp's tat for tit policy was announced on an advertisement that showed cartoon women in their underwear.
In case people needed a visual aid to understand bigger boobs and with that we'll
bring our international tour to a close and i'll hand you back over to noah heath and eli thank you
lucinda and in what the fuck of the irish news tonight you know with everything going on in
america right now it's hard to keep things in focus and it's a pity because occasionally on this show we are forced
to talk about countries so backwards so barbaric that there is a serious temptation to wonder if
its inhabitants or the people of its heritage are you even human don't you malign my people
i see what you're doing of course don't do it about the irish god damn it are you talking about
that you're making a lot of assumptions about what's going to
make the final edit.
We are a wonderful, civilized people.
I challenge you to an eye-gouging fight right now.
Challenge rejected.
Heath, I want you to know for a very
long time, that line was, I'm talking
of course about Africa, just so I could
have the image of all of you freezing in horror
in your cars.
A lot of assumptions.
A lot of assumptions.
A lot of assumptions indeed.
We got plenty of listeners who don't like Africans.
Like the Irish, for example,
I would imagine.
Everybody wins. Now we've got the freezing in the cars.
I didn't have to make the joke. Everybody wins. Anyway,
back to the terrifying wasteland of red faces where I spent
my honeymoon almost a year ago. Lovely
place. Wasted on its mongrel people.
Oh, did you not blend in with your amazing swarthy DNA over in Ireland?
Sorry.
Stick out a little bit.
Distracted.
Distracted by being impure.
So the reason we're talking about them, and believe me, it gives me no pleasure,
is because, like all backwards peoples,
their insane and barbarous mythos-based culture is once again interfering with their politics.
Yeah, so when we find a frontwards country,
we'll let you know when that doesn't happen.
We will indeed.
Danny Haley Ray, an independent member of Ireland's parliament
whose name alone negates all of Heath's responses to my introduction.
Okay, well, I hadn't even written them yet.
That's bullshit that it worked out for you. You just got lucky now.
That was lucky.
That wasn't guaranteed.
The human, who's named Danny Haley Ray,
believes that a dip in a carry road,
which had been repaired before,
mysteriously reappeared
due to the presence of fairy forts.
Okay, well,
I mean, that's actually true.
It's a weird story you picked about a normal true thing.
Think about it.
Whatever begins to exist has a cause.
The potholes began to exist.
Fairy forts, QED.
I don't understand why we're putting the story on the show.
Now, for clarity, the local council's road department has a different story,
claiming that the road anomaly is due to the, quote, deeper underlying subsoil slash geotechnical problem, end quote.
Well, but I don't know if that precludes subterranean ferry forts.
It does not.
It actually sounds like confirmation.
I believe you just got William Lane Craig's Kalam.
Just spins on the screen.
Whatever.
The William Lane Craig cartoon like a Batman Chiron Kalam. Just spins on the screen. The William Lane Craig cartoon like a Batman Chiron.
Kalam.
But we, like Danny Boy, thank you, thank you, have a different theory.
He says, quote, there are numerous fairy forts in that area.
Sorry, I did the voice wrong.
There are numerous fairy forts in that area.
I know that they are linked.
Anyone that tampered with them back over the years paid a high price.
And quote, adding, I have a machine standing in the yard right now.
And if someone told me to go out and knock a fairy fart or touch it, I would starve first.
End quote.
And no, I have no idea what machine
he is talking about either.
Anything. What machine he has
in his front yard.
There's a machine that lots of Irish
people use. It's called
Go Fuck Yourself, actually.
I was thinking it was a still.
And while it's all well and good
to laugh at the less civilized, I think it's good
that we all reflect that next week,
when Heath tries to write a retaliation story about Jews,
the internet will eat him.
Fun parting thought.
Next week's citation needed.
It's about eugenics.
Everybody check it out.
And finally tonight, in notorious B.I. Jihad news,
we have a story about a Muslim rapper who can't answer the question who shot you because he's dead from a gunshot wound. Oh, and I'm not talking about Tupac.
Oh, not clear if he was a Muslim and he's actually still alive.
I don't know that it's actually Banksy.
No, I'm talking about Jabril Abdur Rahman, a.k.a. Young Mazi, who was shot and killed last week despite his claim that Allah made him bulletproof.
So checkmate Muslims.
Yeah, that religion's over.
Yep.
You don't see Mormons still believing in bulletproof underwear after their founder got shot while wearing them, do you?
Exactly.
The real question, though, is how is his YouTube channel doing?
Certainly better.
All right.
So normally you hate to hear about someone getting murdered, right?
Noah said we're not allowed to follow that with butt anymore.
But telling.
However, the sympathy just kind of melts away as you hear all the details of the story here.
For example, Mr. Mazzi made the God made me bulletproof claim last year after he survived a shooting outside a Waffle House.
So there's lesson number one, two, and three.
One, don't eat there.
Two, Islam is stupid.
And three, don't park in an atheist spot.
That's your fault.
Jesus Christ.
List of statements that will get you killed
for 5,000.
But also,
come on,
he got shot, right?
I mean,
that means he's not bulletproof.
Bullet didn't bounce off of him.
It just failed to kill him.
And a couple other things
worth noting.
Mozzie was found dead
inside a pizza place
in Atlanta, Georgia.
So,
gross.
And here's lesson number four.
Don't be caught dead there.
Basic stuff. Also,
according to Mozzie, during an interview
from last year, he'd been shot with a
gun and survived ten
different times before this last one.
So, let's call that lesson five.
Don't be so aggressive with
your Skittles in the south
oh yeah wait wait if he'd been shot and survived 10 different times i take this story back he had
every reason to believe he was bullet resistant yeah yeah bullet inclined well definitely that
yeah in doubt and uh this is my favorite. Here's the explanation he gave for all the getting shot.
He said, look at me.
For one, I'm a light-skinned dude.
People always don't like the light-skinned dude.
Now, I'm pretty sure he has that backwards.
Anyway, continuing.
Also, I might walk around with a quarter million dollars worth of jewelry on.
He announced to the world during
a public interview. So I guess
we'll call that lesson six.
You're overdressing for Waffle
House. Stupid.
I like to wear a tuck so
that the people who work there can see one
once in their lives. I let them touch it.
You like that? That's called cloth.
That's what all my clothes are made of.
Congratulations on your baby
Woman working here
Still
So if it sounds like I'm being a little too celebratory
About this guy Young Mozzy
I want to be clear
I'm not saying he deserved it
He did, but I'm not saying that
Anyway, regardless
Bottom line, there's a void in the market
That needs to be filled now
So we are going to become Muslim rappers who make our community look stupid.
And of course, we're going to need some rapper names.
Of course.
Let's put 30 seconds on the clock and drop that beat DJ Eli.
Thank you.
Excellent.
Ideas for our Muslim rapper names that perpetuate negative
stereotypes. Go.
So you're making negative
stereotypes reinforcement
a prerequisite for this bit.
I announced it so it's not offensive.
Yeah, exactly.
Well, Eli is definitely
perpetuating a negative stereotype
right now, so he's
kind of getting a head start. Not fair.
Alright, how about
IEDMX?
I almost passed out.
To Pakistani Shakur
about
the real Muslim shady.
That'd be FGM&M?
Of course.
FGM, they do that.
Wiz Khalifa.
Kaba Brinkman.
Throw rocks to Shakur.
Okay.
You already did that one.
Let's see if he can name a second rapper.
Probably not.
How about Kanye Westbank?
I like this one even better.
How about Macklemore?
More?
More?
How about the Tupacalypse?
The Dr. Dre when the sun rises in the Kanye West.
Noah gets it.
You guys both already used those.
All right.
How about not Hamhawk Shakur?
He did not.
All right.
I got one more.
How about Isis Cube? There you go. Obviously. Part of Sand NW. Okay. All right. I got one more. How about Isis Cube?
Obviously.
Part of Sand NWA.
Okay.
All right.
Now we're wrapping that up.
Quick, while we realize that the stereotype we were perpetuating was how few rappers white guys could name.
Arabian Prince also part of NWA.
Heath, Eli, thanks as always.
I knew there were crocodiles in Florida.
No one in the opposite last week using one of those marriage proposal hostage things they do.
And when we come back, we'll finally relieve all that dark clout.
But what did Z's ROM do to Amulix suspense that you've been living under for the last week?
Hey Mormons, it's me, Tony D.
And Carl the Pug of Pegacorn has a much more jowly voice
with less emphasis on the opening syllable of each sentence.
Totally different voices.
Anyway, if you're a Mormon, have I got a deal for you.
Do you sometimes feel emotions?
Do you have blood constantly coursing through your veins?
Well then try sending me 90 bucks.
Sending me 90 bucks has
been clinically tested to make you go to heaven. And that sentence doesn't even need to be a joke
to be legal. Look, if you're willing to buy into pre-Columbian American horses, cows, wheat,
barley, goats, domestic pigs, chariots, silk, not to mention prehistoric compasses, scimitars,
windows, and French valedictions, you should also be willing to buy me a fifth of a hooker.
Give me $90. Nowhere near as dumb as Mormonism.
This character.
Different guy.
On last week's Book of Mormon, we cracked open the Book of Alma
and found more insanity there than we could possibly have expected.
Well, we tried our damnedest to cram all the crazy into a single segment, but it simply refused to be constrained.
So this week, we're happy to present the second half of the first third of the Book of Alma already in progress.
And we're back when we last left off.
Nobody gave a shit.
So let's steamroll ahead, shall we?
Good call, good call.
So since this part is all about the period of judges,
we start chapter 11 with a detailed explanation of what judge means,
which quickly digresses into a detailed explanation of the Nephite monetaries.
Oh, you could so tell he'd run out of shit here.
Yeah, this is the nerd explaining why Lord of the Rings makes no fucking sense.
The holy book.
Yeah.
He couldn't summon the eagles because they were busy.
Read the Silmarillion.
Is that in there?
No idea.
It is a bad and racist fantasy novel that is only famous because it was first.
Yeah.
Okay.
So basically what we get here is 20 verses of a goddamn word problem from fourth
grade right like okay if a shum of gold is twice the value of a shiblim of silver and a shiblin
of barley is worth a limna of gold how much is a senum worth oh man not enough information
and eventually eventually we get back to the story in which apparently the judges are stoking riot and unrest.
So they'll have more crime to judge and thus making more money.
So they turn the people against Alma and Amulek.
Yeah, they're like, quick, everyone, pour coffee on your dick and blame Alma.
We'll figure out what percentage is your fault later.
Don't worry about it.
So now it's time for Zizram on Amule amulek action right we've all been waiting for it so
z's rom tricks amulek into answering questions i guess yeah amazing how often holy books say
and you know who are a bunch of devil tea bag and fucks those people who expect me to make sense on
the spot right yeah everyone was like that, and then they question the
prophet like a bunch of dicks.
Okay, so Zizrom's
gotcha is to say,
hey, Amulek, I'll give you
six aunties of silver if you call Jesus a little
bitch. Jesus is a little bitch?
Jesus is a damn it!
And when the
what would you do for a climb.bar
strategy fails him, he falls back on the Trinity not making any fucking sense.
But to be fair, he crushes it.
He does, yeah.
He's like, so how many gods are there?
And Amulek's like, one.
And he's like, and God is himself and his son and a ghost, right?
And Amulek's like, yes.
And Zanzibar's like, lawyer, bitch.
Right, but
Amulek's response to this is just
woo.
And
everyone, including
Cesium, is like,
whoa. And then
Joseph needs a break from the hat because the
last sentence of this chapter is literally
quote, and thus ended the words of Amulek, or this is all that I have written.
He's got a couple of those in this one where it's just like, and then other shit.
It is one of those two options.
So Amulek bitch slaps Zizrom with Jesus, and then we get a whole chapter of Alma rubbing it in.
Yeah.
Right.
And zig-a-zig-a-ah ah the lawyer just keeps trembling the more he talks like and he trembled and he
trembled by the end people are handed in paint cans and eventually this this chapter devolves
into joseph smith going i know you guys are wondering how i'm so smart and stuff let me
explain god likes me more so he gives me the most God truth.
He likes Ollie second best so Ollie
gets the second most.
He's ranking the races. I love it.
Mormons get the best
God words, then Christians,
then Jews.
Muslims get a racial slur in front
of a live audience in Scotland that we pretend
was you misspeaking. It's a package
store. Package. That's the thing.
Package. Package. Package.
Package store. It's the thing they say
in Massachusetts.
Just in my house.
The old package store.
In the house to end right. That's a real.
Everybody tweet to everybody that thinks
damn it.
And then we dig into the structure of the priesthood a bit here.
But I can forgive you for having no fucking clue that's what we were talking about here.
Because Jesus Christ, this man, cannot write to save his fucking life.
And there's this weird part where he says, therefore, they were called after this holy order and were sanctified
and their garments were washed white
through the blood of the lamb.
Yeah, so now I'm
100% sure somebody walked in
on Joe Smith covered in blood in some way.
No way that didn't happen.
He's just like, oh, you're home early.
Read the book.
You'll get it.
This is all going to make a whole lot of sense.
Method writing.
This is also, by the
way, where we have first encountered
the name
Melchizedek. Yahtzee.
Joey
was clearly trying to win a how dumb do I
think they are bet at this point.
Yeah, and apparently Melchizedek
was the king of
pre-israel when they were all sinful and fucky uh but he was super religious and good so he talked
them into putting their dicks away and turning to god yep yeah joe is really into his biblical
extended universe i don't know if you guys are really into that and by the way if you're wondering
why we're all of a sudden talking about an ancient priest that predates this story
by thousands of years and has no bearing on the present
conversation, you don't know how this
book works yet. There is
no reason why we're talking about
anything that we're ever talking
about. Ever. But we do learn
that mesothelioma was the
best thing that ever was or ever will be.
So, it's that. And then he wraps
the chapter by saying, and I know
it doesn't sound like a logical place to end,
but this is all I wrote. He said more stuff,
but I'm done.
Cursive is hard. The end.
So they cast out all the people who believe in Jesus
and set their wives and children on fire.
On fire! That's what they do.
And at this point, Amulek's like,
hey man, you think you should, you know, maybe
we should use your magic and
God powers to put out all of these flaming women
and children? Eh, maybe.
But Alma says, nah, God could use the angels
if you know what I mean. He says no!
He says no. And there's this, like,
us-sketch-esque moment
where he's like, plus,
they might burn us too.
And that would suck.
Yeah, that would suck.
Let's go with the angels thing.
Remember, Mormon boys and girls,
if you're ever in a position to stop the mass
execution of Christians, don't be a dick.
Let them go to heaven.
I'm just going to scream for a minute.
So despite their unimprisonable
powers, Alma and Amulet get
thrown in jail, and they're so pissed they give their lawyers the silent treatment, which is unspeakably stupid.
I don't know how that works.
To be fair, the head lawyer comes and, like, Archer slaps them for a little bit.
He's like, you're going to keep preaching?
You're going to keep preaching?
Stop smiting yourself.
Stop smiting yourself.
Can't get mad.
But after a couple weeks of the whole town taking turns to smite them,
Alma's like, fuck this, and uses his Jesus powers to break out of prison.
Finally. Now.
As opposed to any other time.
I think we can all agree that
four weeks of naked slapping
is enough.
Time to draw a reasonable line right
now. Okay, let's get out of here.
Elmer, we could have left at any time
and we didn't. What does that tell you, Amulek?
Shut up. Also,
God murders all the people who fucked with him,
right? All the slappers and whatnot.
So it's not like their escape
changed anybody's mind
because all those people were dead right
afterwards. Right. and this chapter even ends
with like alma and amulek walking away all slow from the explosion ridiculous so so they leave
and they go to saddam uh because this chapter never fucking ends where they meet back up with
the zizrom and all their followers which uh i feel like that was awkward right they just back up with the Zizrom. And all their followers, which I feel like that was awkward.
Right?
They just run up to them.
Oh my gosh, you're alive.
Hey, where are all our wives and children?
And what was that smell?
Oh, yeah, about that.
So you know how God like super needs angels?
He has to have a supply.
And we learned here that alma also has healing powers because the kid is
still making shit up because he cures alma's iniquity fever at this point and we should point
out that this miracle healing at this point in this fucking book is the evidence mormons used
for their ability to heal each other with magic oil so
yeah that's how stupid the origin of that practice is in case you're wondering
so all the people of saddam get some jesus but since that's boring joey starts talking about
those stiff-necked fucks and amanana ha ha again and this part is so amazing. He's holding a grudge against a fake city. Yes!
And he's like, so they all lived
happily ever after. Unlike
those assholes in Ammoniah,
ha, Heather.
Especially Heather.
In Ammoniah, Heather.
You know who you are. And since
the Lamanites haven't killed anybody in a while,
we go back to that in
chapter 16 when they skull rape all those
heathens in Ammonah.
Yeah, right. It was quite a grudge.
And this is where we meet the Nephi's
chief captain, Zoram,
who has two sons
named Lehi.
Use that one already.
I can't
do it. I can't do it. Somebody else has to do
the other one. I can't.
Aha! The child's name is Aha. I can't do it I can't do it Somebody else has to do the other one I can't Aha
The child's name is Aha
Fucking Aha
A-H-A
Aha
This is Joe Smith arguing with a Scrabble dictionary
It is to a name
It's allowed
Joe, you can't do names, man
Whatever, this game is stupid
I'm going to cheat on my phone
I do cheat on my phone
Yeah I hate you so much I almost killed my mom Trevor, this game is stupid. I'm going to cheat on my phone. I do cheat on my phone.
Yeah.
I hate you so much.
I almost killed my mom.
Aha is a word in Scrabble. Yeah, no, it is.
Now, if you'll recall, the last book, Messiah, ended with all the king's sons wandering off to teach the Lamanites about Jesus.
So now Alma runs into them so that we can be treated to an 11 chapter recounting of whatever happened to them.
Which we will not be finishing tonight.
Thank fucking Christ.
Because holy fuck is every chapter of this fucking book tedious.
This is the holy book version of running into someone you didn't know that well in high school.
Right.
You have to fucking deal with it.
Oh my God, Mosiah.
Alma.
How are you?
Oh, hey. Ammon, right? Good. Good. god mosiah alma how are you oh hey uh amman right good good no i'm dude we gotta get lunch
we gotta get we totally have to get lunch yes facebook i i'm totally serious not just being
polite let's do that so we we flash back to them abdicating their
thrones and heading off to the land of
Laman to teach Jesus to all the
brown people. And along the way,
God drops in here and there to, you know, give them a
little pep talk. Take a knee, boys.
Take a knee.
And before the sons of Messiah show up,
the book feels the need to remind you that the Lamanites
are like all the way
black, like thieving,
murdering, lazy, evil, idolatrous, bloodthirsty, like the whole way.
Black and white.
Greek.
Right.
So now we get the three little pigs portion of the holy book.
Yeah.
Fun.
Okay.
So Ammon was one of the sons of Messiah and he was the leader, I guess.
So he goes out to minister to the Lamanites first.
But of course, like all the Nephites that crossed the Lamanite border, he immediately gets captured, tied up, and taken to the king.
Whose name is Lamoni.
And fucking Lamoni makes Ammon his servant.
That's what people named Lamoni do.
So what's the new king's name?
Oh, Laman.
Oh, we used that one.
Nigh.
Nigh.
Didn't let me finish.
Laman Nigh.
Laman Nigh.
Laman Nigh.
We should point out that Ammon only has to be Lamoni's servant after he turns down fucking the princess, right?
Like that was the first option.
And Ammon's like, not really into dark meat,
if you know what I mean.
But I'll scoop up sheep shit
if you need me to.
If you need a guy for that.
Poor choice.
Poor choice.
I think so, yeah.
So he's out watering
the king's sheep one day
and a bunch of Lamanites
scatter their flocks
because Lamanites are assholes,
I guess.
And I love that everyone with him
is like freaking out
like the nerd at the kegger.
Like, we're getting
into so much trouble
quiet but then Ammon's like
holy shit guys I just
happen to have sheep
convergence powers what are the odds
that I would ever need those but I've got them
damn good thing these brothers didn't
get mixed up on their adventures right just
like oh battle huh
what if we
gathered some sheep for the battle i think
place not going well so they gather the flocks back together and the lame and i assholes come
back to rescatter them but now amon's had enough oh yeah he's pissed now yeah he goes down to give
him a stern talking to even though they were in number not a few end quote
that's my new body count when girls ask
number not a few
you're married still
still girls could ask
hot girls
who love podcasts and belly fat
can't all fuck each other's
friends Heath who am I gonna fuck
Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars
alright let's all just relax remember what lane we're in really friends, Heath? Who am I going to fuck? Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars? Alright.
Let's all just relax and remember what lane
we're in. Really?
Ryan Slotnick of Evil Giraffes on Mars.
Take it easy.
There's also this weird
moment where it's like, now Ammon
was all Jesus-y, so he only killed
the leader with his sword.
Killed like six people with the rocks.
Also chopped off a fuck bucket
of arms, but you know.
Merciful. You know, he was very merciful.
And he brings them back
to the Lame Knight King, so
he'll believe the story about
the bucket. Like here, arms.
See?
Look at what I can do.
And that's what you get when you scare a Mormon's sheep.
God damn it.
The Salt Lake City live show is canceled.
The Salt Lake City live show.
It is not canceled.
Ticket link in the show notes.
Good plug, guys.
Thank you.
So the king hears what an invincible badass salmon is and assumes he must be some kind of ninja god.
Right.
Then there's this 80s movie comedy beat where Ammon comes in and the king thinks he's the Great Spirit, but Ammon doesn't know.
So they just stand around awkwardly for an hour.
Literally an hour.
That's what it says, yeah.
Ammon comes in and he's like, hey, what up?
And Lemonade is like, wait for it.
Wait for it.
Wait for it.
But finally, Ammon breaks the ice by saying, is this about all the arm chopping and sheep convergence?
He's just like, Lemonade, don't do this.
Lemonade.
Lemonade. Lemonade.
Lemonade.
That's in front of the bucket of arms.
So then Ammon teaches him all about God,
a la learning calculus from Big Bird.
It was amazing.
I was expecting him to break out puppets at some point.
Okay, this one is you.
This one is God.
He lights a puppet on fire.
Oh, no, I didn't believe in Jesus.
Ow, ow, ow, my hand was in there.
My hand was out.
Ow.
So, Ammon proceeds to tell the king all the things that have ever happened, and many of the things that will happen.
Yes.
And Lamini, Lamini, believes him.
It's lemonade.
Yeah, lemonade. Believes him. It's Lemonade. Yeah, Lemonade.
Believes him and turns Christian.
Right.
But he does so in a way that's apparently indistinguishable from just dying.
Because he like passes out for several days and stops pumping blood, I guess.
And all the family gathers around to mourn.
Right.
And you'd think that wouldn't make sense.
But I dated a Catholic girl.
So I get it.
I'm just saying.
Wait, what?
You want to explain that?
Phyllis Schlafly was not bad.
Catholic women are bad at sex
because their culture imbues fear.
I strong disagree.
I like that.
And moving on.
If you're a Catholic or an ex-Catholic,
I like still fear. I like that. And moving on. If you're a Catholic or an ex-Catholic, help us settle this. I like still fear.
I like the deer in headlights type of sex.
Maybe that's just how it is.
Never mind.
We'll get on with it.
But then, just as they were about to entomb him, the queen says, hey, go get that magical mutilating guy from earlier and see if he can make him more alive for us.
So they do.
guy from earlier and see if he can make him more alive for us. So,
they do. Hey,
Ammon, great pep talk, but
can you check and see if the guy you converted
is dead? Just go over and check that.
Also, I have to draw a circle around this line.
The queen says to Ammon when he arrives,
quote, some say that
he, the king, some say that he is not
dead, but others say that he
is dead and that he stinketh.
What? Stinketh. What?
Stinketh.
Well, look, if laying in bed for two days
and smelling really bad means you're dead,
I need new birthday plans. I'm just saying.
It's going to be
a really weird birthday dinner.
Eli's just doing like, he's like pump faking all these
different death scenarios.
He's choking a death.
Nope, nope, no.
Just a little spit up on his bib.
So Ammon goes in and gives him a sniff
and tells her not to worry.
He's not dead.
Just, you know, God comad.
And that usually only lasts about three days, I guess.
I guess, yeah.
And then he wakes up and all the king's horses
and all the king's men become Christian.
Right.
And there is a lot of sink-a and sunk a thing to one's knee.
And then we get to chapter 20, where God tells Ammon that his brothers have been imprisoned in the land of Madoni.
That would be his brothers, Aaron, Maloki and Ammon.
Yes.
Ammon has a brother named Ammon. Amma? Yes, Ammon has a brother
named Amma.
Amma?
Fuck this book. So not a complete
Scrabble set, like an old one.
It's like in the middle school library.
The blanks have like cocks and balls
on them. Also,
King of Madoni,
his name is Anti-Omno.
So yeah, Joey is winning the shit out of that bet.
Yeah, so Lemonade agrees to go with Ammon to save his brothers.
But first they have to stop off to see Lemonade's dad, who's the main king.
I guess.
Right.
Well, they like run into him on the way, like an ancient Israelite exit 94B, I guess.
Hashtag never forget.
Fuck you, 94B.
Lamoni's dad is nowhere near as quick to forgive Whitey, so he chastises his son for buying into Ammon's bullshit.
He's so scolding.
He's like, you got to kill your white friend.
Come on.
But Lamoni won't do it.
Right.
So his dad, who has not been named, gets so pissed that he's about to kill Lamoni.
And then Ammon steps in and says, not so fast.
And then Ammon uses his god powers to kick the Uber King's ass and then threatens to kill him if he doesn't release his brothers from prison.
Guys, I'm pretty sure this is one of the Final Fantasy games like verbatim.
Verbatim.
Or again, extra Nazi Game of Thrones.
Yeah, no, that pretty much sums it up.
Grand Dragons.
And of course, the king is so impressed with Ammon's not killing of him that he invites him to dinner.
They become friends.
That's what happens.
Yeah.
So Lamoni and Ammon go on to Madoni and get the brothers out of prison.
They're all fucked up and beat up.
And Ammon's like, wow, I wonder what crazy adventures they've been up to.
They've been up to.
They've been up to.
Yeah.
But holy shit is 20 chapters of this book more than enough.
So we're going to have to save that flashback for the next installment.
And congrats, guys.
We are ever so slightly more than halfway through this book now.
Fucking final.
We can't swim back.
Going too far.
Before we make like a tree tonight, I wanted to thank the moon in advance for lining up with the sun so precisely next week.
I'd also like to thank the clouds in advance for staying the hell away from Carbondale, Illinois on Monday afternoon.
Thank you.
Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight.
We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more.
If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern on Monday.
Hopefully something will happen in politics between now and then.
Fill a show with it.
Also got a new Ray Comfort movie lit to talk about
on GAM at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday,
and some as-of-yet undetermined shit to talk about
on Citation Needed on Wednesday at noon Eastern.
Obviously, this wouldn't belong in the episode list
if I neglected to thank Heath Enright
for his reluctant agreement to finally face off with me
in a rap battle next week.
That's really going to happen, kind of.
I mean, not really, really, but it's going's gonna happen i need to thank the lovely lucinda illusions for somehow maintaining
her cheerful disposition despite her weekly hall of headlines and i need to thank eli bosnick for
eventually settling for the it's okay to punch line a nazi compromise i also want to thank molly
on mormon of the doubting dogma podcast for providing this week's farnsworth quote and for
inviting me on her show last week if you'd like to hear that interview or just check out her show
in general you'll find links on the show notes for this
episode. But most of all, of course, I need to thank this week's most marvelous mammalia,
Duck, Speak, Bike, O'Mary, Jonathan, Nolajel, Chrissy, Andy, Stark, Splore, Josh, Other,
Jonathan, Daniel, and John. Duck, Speak, Bike, O'Mary, and Jonathan, who are so radiant they'd
leave a visible annulus if the moon ever bothered to move in front of them. Nolajel, Chrissy,
Andor, and Stark, Splore, who are so bright you have to make sure you look at them
through NASA-approved glasses.
And Josh, Other, Jonathan, Daniel, and John,
whose orgasms give coronal mass ejection mass ejection envy.
And I'm really fucking excited about the eclipse.
Sun's pretty awesome.
Together, these 12 well-endowed welders of wealth
welcomed our weltering weldment
with a wellspring of welfare this week
by giving us money.
Not everybody has the optimized genitalia
and refined taste in dick jokes it takes to give us money, but if you're up to the challenge
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And if you'd like to help, but all your spare money is going to that
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Legal services for this podcast are provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and
our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this
episode, which was used with permission.
If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info
on the contact page at SkiddingAdias.com.
You want to ruin that first two, Eli? He writes them in his own notes like a little hermit,
and then he plugs them in slowly but surely.
That exact line was the one line that was written all week.
Moccasin woman.
I was sitting there at the top of that headline.
We announced the headline.
I'm announcing it.
With that joke.
With my joke.
Yeah.
You want to relax them into the joke.
It's good.
It's good.
They'll be surprised otherwise.
The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC.
Copyright 2017.
All rights reserved.