The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 237: Tie Me Con Guru Down Edition

Episode Date: August 31, 2017

In this week’s episode, Trump voters and christians survive another week in the Orwellian hellscape that is America, with the POTUS on the fence, kids in Georgia use beer pong to decide if the Axis was the good guys or the bad guys, and we’ll once again pick at the perpetual scab that is The Book of Mormon. To donate to hurricane victims, click here: https://foundationbeyondbelief.org/hurricane-harvey-drive/ Less Important Stuff: To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Guest Links: To check out the Wayward Willis podcast, click here: https://audioboom.com/channels/4923462 Headlines: Riots in India over guru’s rape conviction: https://www.theguardian.com/world/2017/aug/27/indian-states-in-lockdown-for-gurus-sentencing-after-deadly-protests Christian hate-group ministry sues SPLC over hate group listing: http://religionnews.com/2017/08/25/christian-ministry-sues-watchdog-group-over-hate-label/ Majority of Trump voters think Christians face the most discrimination: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/08/24/a-majority-of-trump-voters-think-christians-face-the-most-discrimination/ Priest blames god for gambling debts, avenges god by collecting child porn: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/08/26/priest-who-blamed-god-for-gambling-debts-got-revenge-by-collecting-child-porn/ Students disciplined for nazi vs. jew beer pong game: http://religionnews.com/2017/08/25/students-disciplined-for-jews-vs-nazis-beer-pong-game/

Warning, the following podcast found a lot more than seven words you can't say on television. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Stamps.com, Bombfell, Policy Genius, and by our Eli Bosnick in five words or less contest. Today's winner is At The Writer's Beard, who had saint jude's benjamin button it is like he's aging towards sick baby somehow please keep tweeting us your best five words or less about eli using the hashtag bosnic scathe and you could be the next winner and now the skating apes hey you it's us monster's under your bed. I'm John.

And I'm Logan. And we're the hosts of the Wayward Willis Podcast. Looking at Logan, I can tell you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. My dad's still a monkey. It's Thursday. It's August 31st. And Ken Ham built his boat in the wrong fucking state. I'll say. I'm no illusions.

I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Heath Enright. New York, New York. Secret Lair, Pennsylvania. This is The Skating Atheist. On this week's episode, Trump voters and Christians survive another week in the Orwellian hellscape that is America. With the POTUS on the fence, kids in Georgia use beer pong to decide if the axis was the good guys or the bad guys.

And we'll once again pick at the perpetual scab that is the Book of Mormon. First, the diatribe. It always struck me as strange that religion makes itself most conspicuous just when its foundational precept is at its weakest. Like, for example, when there's a terrible fucking hurricane in Texas. And to all our listeners that have been affected by this disaster, I apologize for using your misery to make a rhetorical point, but it kind of has to be said because let's face it, religion sure as hell isn't going to make any apologies for using a natural disaster to fill up them pews. Now, I should be fair and point out that there are plenty of religious groups doing good work in Southeast Texas right now, and plenty of atheist

groups are too. Incidentally, if you're looking to donate and want to make sure that none of your charity dollars are going to go to buy emergency disaster Bibles, foundation beyond belief has a fundraiser set up we'll have it linked on the show notes and on our social media so yeah some religious groups are already out there handing out water and working in emergency shelters and generally doing that community organizing shit that they use to justify their tax breaks and that's great not as efficient as it is when you leave that shit to a coordinated central authority funded by tax revenue but it's still good shit and the people doing that work and coordinating the work should be commended, but that's the people, right? The institution of religion deserves zero credit

unless they're doing something that the secular groups aren't doing or couldn't do. You know, if my dart league decides to raise money for disaster relief, that doesn't say anything positive about darts. And yet, at the same time, religion as an institution is going to do plenty of bad through this thing. All you need to do is see one fucking person who rode out the storm

because they were confident that Jesus was going to see them through it to know where the blame rightfully belongs, right? And if you need something a little more ubiquitous, albeit a little less damaging, you need to look no further than the thoughts and prayers being offered up by people who think they've then done something. And what about the psychological damage wrapped up in religion's whole narrative here?

I mean, this is supposed to be religion's time to shine, right? Apologists are always offering it up as one of the merits of religion, the way it helps people cope with disaster. But how the fuck is it supposed to help if you think that some omnipotent guy ignored the no catastrophic hurricane setting on the gulf coast how does that impact your psyche to think that god could have prevented this but didn't and and when you're trying to answer that question don't think about some well-rounded apologist with a working knowledge of the kalam cosmological argument trying to say that low pressure systems are caused by man's sinful nature think about a nine-year-old kid waiting for hours in the pouring rain on a rooftop wondering if grandma's gonna die and and when this indoctrinated kid asks hey why did god flood our city and kill all those people what are the religious leaders gonna

tell them i mean if they're lucky they'll get a preacher that mumbles something about mysterious ways or needing more angels and tries to change the subject. But this is fucking Texas. The answer they get is at least as likely to be too many lesbians in them Disney cartoons. I mean, that is the entire biblical narrative, isn't it? God punishing people for their lack of religiosity with natural disasters. Any Abrahamic leader trying to sell a story different than that one has an uphill climb to begin with. But even if we sidestep all the assholes are talking about too many abortions and lesbian mayors, what will these leaders tell their distraught refugees? I mean, I'm sure there will be some random platitudes about open windows and closed doors and shit.

But by and large, their advice is going to be be my religion better. Right. It's going to involve rededicating their lives to Christ, trusting in the Lord, going back to church, being more emotionally dependent on their religious narrative. And sure, they'll raise some money for the victims of this thing, but they're also going to take some money from them. And I'm not just talking about the tithes they're going to get from their swollen attendance. I'm talking about disaster relief. You know, I'd love to live in a world where it would be just silly to suggest that tax money is going to go towards rebuilding untaxed churches and shit. But we already saw this when Sandy struck. A public outcry over withholding federal relief money from religious institutions

led to a change in the goddamn law that time. And something tells me Texas isn't going to err further on the side of liberalism than New York did. And by the way, there's nothing in the current makeup of the Supreme Court to hang your church-state separation hopes on. So I'd say it's all but guaranteed that our federal dollars are going to go towards refurbishing churches and religious schools while homes still need rebuilt. Meanwhile, what's religion going to get out of this? Well, Joel Osteen notwithstanding, they're mostly going to get good PR. You know, the guys who sell God could have stopped this and didn't are going to get lavished with praise in the media for every

candlelight vigil or paint-by-the-n the numbers disaster sermon somebody's going to be reunited with a dog or something people call that a miracle even before the stench of the dead humans clears somebody will find a miraculously unscathed bible or a picture of jesus that'll get passed around social media with comments other than so jesus destroyed their home but made sure his favorite selfie didn't get wet look the entire concept of religion basically starts with shit like this, right? Ancient people get hit with this crazy bad flood that's way worse than anything in living memory and they want to know why. And back in the day, yeah, sure, God's pissed at us for not being nicer to each other. Give people

an answer. Let them carry on with their lives with some reason to believe that that shit ain't going to happen again next year. Back before science, it was justifiable, even necessary, to make up a god and offer up some explanation for what just happened. But now we actually know the answer, and that makes it both dishonest and dangerous to keep giving people the old one. And until preachers start responding to, why did this happen with wind spiraling down towards a low-pressure system created by the latent heat of condensation,

I'll withhold my adoration when they manage to say, boy, was this really sad in a somber voice. They're talking about you, Jesus. We interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin. Joining me for headlines tonight are the Captain and Tennille of the USS Godless, Heath Enright and Eli Bosnick. Fellas, are you ready to set sail on an ocean of stupidity? Okay, well, I'm

the girl, and I'm ready for some muskrat love. Does that answer the... What was the question? What did you say? Is this an alcohol that we are? I'm the skipper. Well, obviously, Heath and I have some important muskrat logistics

to work out, so we're going to pause for a quick word from this week's sponsor, Stamps.com. Hi. I am no illusions of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm Entertainment, which means I produce podcasts half the time and insulate Eli from the repercussions of his actions the rest of the time. And that's why I

deserve Stamps.com. Other folks can settle for the inconvenience of the post office, but while they're still looking for parking, I'll be printing official U.S. postage for any letter, any package, or any class of mail from home. Stamps.com brings all the services of the U.S. Postal Service right to my fingertips. And as a business owner, how is your time better spent? Going to the post office or growing your business by bringing a stack of unmarked $100 bills to a crossroads in northern New Jersey. No questions asked.

Just that one time. I still don't see how that counts as growing the business. And since you paid them, you never have to see. Stamps.com makes it easy. They send you a digital scale that automatically calculates exact postage. Stamps.com will even help you decide the best class of mail based on your needs. I use Stamps.com because I've been to a post office before, and I'd rather die than go back.

And right now, you too can enjoy the Stamps.com service with a special offer that includes a four-week trial plus postage and a digital scale without long-term commitments. And you don't even have to go to a shady abandoned industrial park at 4 a.m. and watch three high school dropouts try to count to 18,000 while holding you at gunpoint. All you have to do is go to stamps.com, click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in scathing. That's stamps.com, enter scathing.

They should make stamps.com for blackmail slash ransom. Or you could just treat alpacas with more respect stamps.com never go to the post office again is that their slogan or are you just warning me because of that time i went dressed as a sexy taco it can be both kelly yet belly flinting And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, the nation of India saw deadly protests over the weekend after God was convicted of raping somebody. Actually, two people. See, this is how you end up without a savior.

Prudes. And also, that skill saw blade that Vishnu carries around is starting to make a lot more sense well this was a different god um this one is some dude called uh gurmeet ram rahim singh also occasionally calls himself god obviously and since he's convinced enough people of the latter they're willing to burn train stations down apparently when it looks like he's uh looking at a couple decades of jail time yeah and i think it's pretty obvious that the root of the problem is all the ideity politics on campuses deity all wives matter wait so you're brahma vishnu and shiva is it they or j Jay? Your pronouns are causing riots. Clearly.

That's the problem. So, Singh is the leader of the Dera Sakasada sect, or something like that, which is popular among a vast rural area of northern India. Outside of this area, he's earned the nickname, The Guru of Bling, though, for his

ostentatious dress and numerous Bollywood film credits. It's a great nickname. No, it is. It is. I'm pissed that it's taken. I love this, too. On his Twitter profile, he bills himself as a, quote, saint.

That's his lead. Saint, philanthropist, sportsman, actor, singer, movie director, lyricist, and autobiographer. End quote. movie director lyricist and autobiographer end quote and in a court outside of new delhi a judge added rapist to that resume i'm not sure if it's on twitter yet lyricist and me i am also me yes he sounds kind of like kim jong-un doesn't he sportsman actor he's a lot of stuff and unless you think that whole actor movie director thing is just fluff, he has made several action movies starring himself that I cannot find in English for the life of me. Otherwise, you would all already be familiar with his work.

Yeah, right, right. Sounds a lot like Kim Jong-un. It might be Kim Jong-un. It could be. He's a rapist. I should mention that this story represents a huge problem in india right okay so beyond the 38 dead people in the burned down gas stations and shit so for anybody who maybe watched dash avatar and thought hey this religion doesn't seem too bad it's worth pointing

out how revered these gurus are it is almost impossible for the government to convict them of anything no matter what the evidence and when they do manage to do it peasant riots fill the streets and start blowing shit up yeah these guys are basically living raping statues of robert e lee which coincidentally by the way is what my new horror movie is about no titles yet but feel free to write in yeah no that'll be good um it's also worth noting that singh wasn't exactly a model citizen leading up to this either. He's been accused of all manner of abuse against his followers, including an ongoing investigation into allegations that he convinced 400 of his male followers to undergo castration as if to offer me a coup de grace at the end of this paragraph.

Totally get the skill saw blade. Totally get it all coming together or it's a gruesome cartoon give it a couple years and in calling the kettle homophobic news tonight d james kennedy ministries also known as coral ridge ministries has filed a religious discrimination lawsuit against the splc because of their stance against LGBT rights. So what has made this innocent group of God-loving folks the next victims of the evil regressive leftists over at the stupid poopy head libel center, you may ask? They went to a strip club.

They explained how the Disney crows actually employed black people. Retweeted Jesus and Mo. Drew a picture of bacon once. Spoke out against the mutilation of their own genitals. Worse. Worse even than that genital. Teabagged Reza Aslan. Wait.

What? What are we listing right now? I think I'm getting lost. No seconds on the clock. Sex dreams. Well, okay. According to the SPLC, the ministry's founder

recommended as essential the virulent work of R.J. Rushdooney, who believed practicing gay should be executed. In a 1989 version of their newsletter, they ran photographs of children along with the tagline sex with children,

homosexuals say yes. Do they? What? And they hired anti-gay activist robert knight as a senior writer and washington dc correspondent which he used as an opportunity to publish on their website that quote bible believing christians would quickly find themselves unwelcome in barney frank's new pansexual cross-dressing military, end quote. Okay. Well, first of all, cross-dressing is pretty much meaningless when everyone's wearing uniforms.

Uniforms. The D in BDU is never like a ladies strapless cocktail dress. That's not the type of dress they mean. But more importantly, Barney Frank's pansexual cross-dressing military was an amazing Cirque du Soleil. Christians were more than welcome. That's true. As far as I know, all Cirque du Soleil's Barney Frank's

pansexual cross-dressing military set to opera I've never heard. And they're all great, like I said. I feel like we're just glazing over the fact that there's a guy named Rush Dooney. And while this would seem to be damning at first coral ministries has argued in their lawsuit that hating them for hating gays is hating christians because that is christianity kind of part of the whole deal well yeah right They've even got specific anti-gay passages of the Bible cited in their lawsuit, saying that their stance on LGBT issues is, quote,

inextricably intertwined and connected, end quote, to their theology. Bigots always seem to think the why is going to matter, right? Why is that? Nazism, wait for it. Wait for it. No. They're just doing their jobs jobs it's an airtight defense throughout history exactly and while the sblc has called the lawsuit meritless on its website

d james kennedy ministry offers donors who give at least 50 dollars an expose booklet about the southern poverty law center and two dvds about the supposed persecution of christians so you know until the sblc comes out with a dvd i say we're squaresies i don't think it's hard to can't just be calling people racist you gotta set a precedent and speaking of those dvds in tiger kibble news tonight a new survey from public policy polling indicates that trump supporters might be dangerously divorced from reality, floating in an irrational hellscape of secret Muslims and

Alex Jones rants. Might. Might, because some of them could have just been confused by levers. I didn't. I hang a fella named Chad. It didn't help. Seriously, pretty soon, Alex Jones is going to start ranting about how Alex Jones is a secret Muslim who can't be trusted

Except that, and that He's just going to start spinning around and steaming until he explodes But you were talking about a survey or something? Well, I could be convinced to talk about Alex Jones spinning around and steaming until he explodes Tickle him! Tickle him! He's going to give him a tip that he's a secret muslim he's gonna freak out yeah yeah there's evidence on the moon alex other side but yeah according to these data when asked which religious group faces the most discrimination in america more than 50 percent of trump voters

answered christians are you kidding me okay okay this is not the first time this has come up on our show no and i just want to ask can the next people who do this survey take video of the people saying the word christians because one we deserve to know who these people are and avoid them and two i i want to make sure we don't have like a 50% margin error for ironic sarcasm in this study. Just like, oh, fucking Christians, man. Christians. All right. Christians.

No, don't. We're going to get that video. It's just a bunch of hipsters looking like fucking riverboat casino dealers voting for Trump, supporting Christianity. So they can be edgy later at their farm to table record store. Where the fuck they go? Now, I should point out that this isn't some bizarre anomaly among Trump voters. This is actually consistent with the general Republican feel for this question. And while Democrats at least admit that Muslims face the most religious discrimination,

they still tend to list Christians above Jews and Sikhs. So it's not like there's some way to line these numbers up that isn't depressing. But to be fair, you don't see Starbucks tossing out Satan-colored cups for Rosh Hashanah. So maybe there's something to it. This question has an answer, by the way. It's Jews. 2015 hate crime statistics, 52% of religious-based hate crimes. So doing a shitty job of ruling the world, that's all I'm saying.

Answer's Jews. Jews. Okay. Like that trick Baba Brinkman did. You all fell for it. All right. First of all, I mean,

maybe do a little better ruling the world and that number goes down. But the other thing, if there were more Muslims around, I get the feeling they'd take over the lead in hate crime victimhood.

Yeah. Right. I can't imagine they wouldn't. Twice the size of any other non-Christian minority, so that's not a super telling statistic. And if we go by hate crimes per capita,

I believe Sikhs end up winning. Actually, it's a tough question to answer, but there's one answer you can definitely cross off. They got to get different hats. Whether Noah hates Jews and wants them to be victims of hate crimes, that's a different question. And Buddhists. And Buddhists, yeah.

If I should have made you raise your hand i would have got you with my weird tricky riddle oh by the way it's also worth reminding you that although the y-axis on this survey is who people voted for in 2016 the data were collected this month in august so this persecution fetish hasn't been abated by the trinity lutheran decision the muslim ban the johnson amendment executive order the soft peddled and then retracted nazi condemnation or the trans-military ban i so i guess they plan to just keep dragging that fucking cross behind him until he makes good on his promise to force business owners to say

merry christmas i wonder what that would be like that would be that would be like. That would be like. That would be like. Hi, welcome to Shop and Smart Merry Christmas. Uh, it's June. Yeah, now I know. Executive order, what are you going to do, right? Yeah, I guess so. Where's your bathroom? I'm actually just here for the...

Oh, it's right around the corner and to the left. And first, can I see your penis? Jesus, really? I'm just corner and to the left. And first, can I see your penis? Jesus, really? I'm just doing my job, man. Okay. All right. That is technically a penis. Okay, great.

Thanks. Yeah, sure. Didn't need the technically part. Can you point me to the tiki torches, by the way, while I'm in here? I figure I should. They're on the end of every aisle with the polo shirts and the khakis. Great. Great. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. here i figure i should they're on the end of every aisle with the polo shirts and the khakis great great merry christmas merry christmas and with that terrifying image in your head we're going to take a quick break for a word from this week's second sponsor bomb fell has this ever happened to you? Anna, have you seen my penguin pants?

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Boy, should you have. Wow. Yeah, I use their service and I love how easy it was to personalize it to my tastes. Every piece was handpicked by my stylist. It's the most simple, straightforward service around. That's right, Noah. Why are you wearing a suit of armor? Oh, that's because I'm terrible at

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welder to pee now. That sounds terrible, Heath. When I got my shipment from Bombfell, it was filled with great selections of high quality name brand stuff. I got to try it all on and only keep what I liked, which was pretty much everything as it turned out. I don't know. No, it sounds expensive. What with all these indecent exposure fines I racked up on the way over here. Not at all, Eli. Not only does it cost a whopping zero bucks to get started, but we worked out a deal with Bombfell that gets our listeners $25 off their first purchase just by going to bombfell.com slash scathing. That's bombfell, B-O-M-B-F-E-L-L dot com slash scathing. E-O-M-B-F-E-L-L dot com slash scathing. Okay, but what about flexibility?

Because that's the kind of thing that doesn't seem as important until you're in a suit of armor. That's a great question. Bombfell is completely flexible, Heath. You can receive clothes once a month, two months, or three months, and you can pause or cancel anytime you like. Okay, well that sounds straightforward and easy. It is. Just go to bombfell.com slash scathing and get $25 off your first purchase today. Bombfell. Open

and close. You guys think I should get this frozen off or something? Yep. I thought that was your penis. It is not. Whatever that is. Is not. Thank you us And in the best revenge is served Nine years old news tonight

Thank you New Jersey Reverend Kevin Gugliotta Who aside from having the most New Jersey name In the history of the fucking universe Has a peculiar way at getting back at God for his gambling losses. Namely

collecting and distributing child pornography. So he's like you look at a guy going you didn't cover the spread God and now neither will I. Exactly. And so if God made him win the Revenant was just just gonna collect the child porn only collecting no distributing get that shit off the streets so this is god's fault all the way

absolutely yeah so this story gets so good according to the seattle times guliatta had previously been suspended from the ministry in 2003 for allegedly molesting a teenage boy in the 1980s but because the incident occurred when he was still a layman and before he entered the priesthood the archdiocese of newark ruled that he could not be punished and quietly reinstated him in 2004 reinstated yeah he was he was a russian spy before he took office it's cool that was before so on to the revenge up old shit? That was before. So, on to the revenge in question. According to the Seattle Times, again, quote,

Pretrial records show the 55-year-old Gugliotta told probation officers he felt God was attacking him when he lost poker tournaments and games and got revenge by collecting the porn. Well, no way. But it was the fact that it was poker fucks up my spread porn. Well, no way. But the fact that it was poker fucks up my spread joke. Okay, wait, wait. I'm going to go back. Oh, yeah, God?

I'll show you a seven and a five off suit. Breed them and weed them. Motherfuckers. You are a treasure, Heath. You are the golden goose. You're my sun and stars. I don't say it enough. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. It continues. Quote, that was his reason. Defense attorney James Sweat said he's not happy. That's how he felt. As the judge indicated, there are other ways to handle issues and handle anger. End quote. Well, there are, though.

He's right. True story. Oh, yeah. I bet his legal analysis podcast has way easier questions at the end. Depends on who he's asking. Oh, that's a shot at Thomas, by the way. And despite what I wrote in my script

that Noah deleted and replaced with this, I agree collecting and distributing child porn is a bad way to handle your anger weird i don't edit your diatribes but fine yeah sure and finally tonight from the u-boat races file group of prep school kids in atlanta georgia did pretty much exactly what you might guess they'd do based on the information i've given you so far. Anti-Semitic drinking game. That is exactly correct.

You boat race, crush it. So, acting on the advice of apparently their good friend 1985 James Spader, they all decided to play a game of beer pong, but with a Jews versus Nazis theme. And yes,

that means the cups were in fact arranged in the shape of a Star of David on one side and you guessed it, a swastika on the other side. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say, that sounds dumb. Well, I mean, there are much more

brutal ways to exemplify the theme, though. So, you know, partial credit. Is it? Like, not bad for an anti-Semitic drinking game, at least. I would like to know what would be bad. No, you wouldn't. You would not. Horsekins.

I wonder what that would be like. What that would be like. Nope. No. All right. that would be like what that would be nope no all right so uh this all came to light when these uh stupid fucking kids from atlanta georgia said to get some video of their holocaust themed drinking game and post it on social media i'm gonna go out on a limb again say that's dumber than the just playing the game part yeah there you go video yes so the uh the important takeaway here is the extremely

anti-semitic nature of the uh cup geometry right obviously a star of david shape is going to have more clustered cups with some standard beer pong triangles which is an easier target whereas the swastika is made of isolated single lines at right angles with way more internal gap space. So offensive. And I sure hope a math teacher was there to point this all out when the school handed out punishments because what the fuck? You know, I mean, I can try to

pretend that this isn't the thing that most offended me about the story. I could probably even be convincing when I pretend the order of my outrage was first historical and then geometric. Don't. No, gonna keep trying i'm gonna be honest all right it was geometry that means that there was a moment where they were all set up and one guy saw and noticed what you noticed and was like i don't want to be a jew i don't want you guys get to be the nazis and i've got to be a Jew?

That's not fair. He might not have noticed, but that probably happened either way. And in that moment, he understood the pain and suffering of the Holocaust. Okay, well, all that being said, I think it's important that we stay fair and balanced. So let's not forget that half the kids in the game were anti-Nazi and half were pro-Nazi. And more importantly, both sides were throwing stuff and inciting conflict. Lots of blame on both sides of the table.

Well, in that case, yeah. It's important to remember. I would think so. Yeah. But regardless of who's at fault here this beer pong thing was terribly conceived so the world's going to need some better designed games for overprivileged bigots

in Atlanta Georgia and that's why we're here ultimately so let's go ahead and put 30 seconds on the clock ideas for Nazi game night go alright but on the record up until now I was convinced we were here for some other reason. Sorry.

Sorry, but we switched it back to Palestine again. Settlers of Poland. Poland. Catan? Settlers of Catan. Settlers of Poland. Settlers of Poland. This part of the show happened before I was here.

What about Nazi Yahtzee? Oh, of course. Because that rhymes. Nazi Manji. That's like a tagline. Nazi Manji. Nazi Manji. Neo-classic concentration.

Treblinka Pursuit. That doesn't work. Auschwitz and Wagers. Jumanji. Thought of that joke myself. Pretty great, right? Jumanji. Because it's the game. Treblinka Pursuit. That doesn't work. Auschwitz and Wagers. Jumanji. Thought of that joke myself. Pretty great, right? Jumanji. Because it's the game and it's also Jews involved.

It's pretty great. I'm good. What about Mengele's Operation? Ticket to Reich. Ooh, I like that. Don't Wake Addie. Adolf Hitler, who was the head

of the Nazis. Probably was called Addy for short. We don't know. How about the Crystal Knocked Out game? That night it was cool to punch Nazis. Definitely that night. Now that Heath has brought the movement together

with reference to Nazi punching that everyone can condemn together. We're going to bring the headlines to a close. Heath, Eli, thanks as always. Jumanji, I wrote the joke. Everything Eli says that's funny, that was me probably. And when we come back,

the Book of Mormon will stubbornly refuse to end. Hi, I'm Heath Enright. We just wanted to take a moment to tell you how lost we'd be without our partner and friend, Noah Lusions. Aw, you guys didn't have to do that. Oh, but we do, Noah. See, Noah not only writes and records our show along with us, he also manages all our interviews, does our banking,

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Or a magician of any kind, just any kind of magician, if you could not end up that. I feel like you guys are trying to... PolicyGenius.com It's life insurance for the 21st century because when noah dies so will our dreams we sure will last time we cracked open the book of mormon we radically underestimated the insanity we were

about to encounter and our ignorance forced us to split things up and subject you to twice as much book of mormon commentary as you bargained for but this time we knew what we were getting into and we've come prepared to knock out our second installment of the ceaseless book of alma yeah i don't want to move too slowly let's fire through this there's still the bhagavad-gita to tackle we gotta finish this that is not not next. In five years, our holy babble segment is just gonna be us reading and making fun of Ken Ham's tweets. We can do that instead of this.

Let's do that right now. All votes. And of course, to do this right, we're gonna need the help of my lovely wife, Lucinda. Lucinda, welcome back. Nothing says welcome quite like 22 chapters of Alma. Ain't that right? Thanks that right now if you'll recall when we last left off we had diverted from the story of alma to tell the story of mosiah's

three sons evangelizing to the lamanites uh we've gotten through the first son's story and we were just about to learn what happened to the other two aaron and malachi and if you need a clear indicator of how much joey's just given up on proper nouns, the name of the Lamanite city Aaron goes to is Jerusalem. Come on, like, at least do New Jerusalem. I'm sure he's going to get to, like, the Shmaz,

like, Shmarusalem. I wouldn't be surprised, wouldn't be. Yeah, so he teams back up with Malachi, Malarkey, whatever. He gets thrown in prison and gets rescued by Ammon and Lamoni, Lomani, Lamani. And then they all formed Mormon Voltron and they spread pre-Jesus throughout the land. And there's this amazing line at the end of this chapter where it says, quote, And it came to pass that he did teach them all things concerning

things pertaining to righteousness. End quote. So good. Got all the things concerning things out of the way. That was good. Meanwhile, Aaron wanders off to convert Lamanai's dad, the Head King. He was the

boss battle of two chapters ago. Yes. He flashed red and everything right sped up after you hit him once you did three resurrects the whole thing um and of course head king has just been dying to turn christian ever since ammon kicked his ass so we get a whole chapter of aaron explaining christian minutiae to him yeah and what we're reading i think is joey's instruction manual for morm Mormonizing them engines. Yep. I believe that's what.

Right. But this appears to just be, but are you for real, though? Yeah, man. For real. Great. I'm a Christian now. That's how it works. Yeah.

Well, and then we get a long, stupid geography lesson for the rest of that book. Oh, God. Yeah. And it's here that we learn that the northern area is called desolation and the southern part is called bountiful which is mormon for fuck canada i think a fun fact for the white shirts if they ever come to your door none of this super boring geography at the end of this chapter makes sense unless it's south america and has nothing to do with where the rest of the book is supposed to be. If you ever want to read some Mormon gymnastics, check out the apologetics for this chapter.

It is good times. I mean, what is a river but an ocean that's not... Fuck. Harem of blonde tweens, come back to me. We have good things. So meanwhile, the king of all the Lamanites made Mormonism legal. So Ammon and Aaron and Omner and Hemne broke out their finest starched white shirts and biked their way through the land with impunity.

The rules are they weren't allowed to lay their hands on them bind them cast them into prison kind of seems like binding just throwing that out there spit on them smite them cast them out of their synagogues scourge them seems oddly specific sitting as they said smiting earlier cast stones at them that seems like a rule that got made up because of someone's behavior or prevent them from going to their homes temples or sanctuaries yeah the ancient Jewish Aztecs weren't allowed to do that to them

I feel like there was an ancient Mormon Andrew just at a puzzle in a thunderstorm staff meeting going yeah man I guess you can jerk off near their horses. This is weird, though. You guys ask me weird questions. I have a weird job.

So pretty much everybody becomes Mormon except those damn Amalekites and Amulonites, you know, the followers of Amulon, the Amulonites. To be fair, though, he gets one Amalekite. One guy who's like,

sure, whatever. Can we be done talking? Whatever. I don't care. But since all the Lamanites were so Mormon, they couldn't go on calling themselves Lamanites, so they took a new name. You guys ready for the new name? This is the best one. It's the best so far. Yes, yes.

The Anti-Nephi-Lehi's. Let me say that again. The anti-Nephi-Lehi's. It's like letting the kid name your pet. Yes, right. This is ridiculous. Just at the vet. So, Mr. Sparkle Pants Fluffers McPherson needs a $9,000 operation

or kill it. Kill my kid's dog, please. And this is why you get the good pet insurance, people. Kill your kid's dog, one or the other. Anyway, the bad people can't have a bunch of good people running around fucking up their complexions.

So naturally, the unconverted Lamanites team up and make war on the anti-Nephi-Lehi's. Catch it! Yeah, no, it's really interesting. After you hear it a couple of times, it sounds great. Also, King Dias, guess who's the new king of the anti-Nephi-Lehi's?

If you guessed his name was anti-Nephi-Lehi, you get it. You're catching on. God, fuck. And the people who were against him? anti-Nefi Lehigh you get it you're catching on and the people who were against him oh for the sake of my sanity please don't

the anti-anti-Nefi Lehigh at two Lucinda you know I love chants anti-anti-Nefi Lehigh anti-anti-Nefi Lehigh they asked the king so they asked the king. I'm going buck wild over here. So they asked the king, hey, what should we be doing about all these attacking Lamanites?

And the king's answer is, bury our swords and out Christian them to death, which is exactly what they do. Sure. So the Lamanites killed a thousand and five of them exactly but then they were like well shit if you're not gonna war back this is no fun and they just left yeah well not just that a few of the lamanites are like okay that uh that dying trick is awesome right it works uh so then we get chapter 25 where the Lamanites just go and kill all the side characters. Yes. Like a lazy George R. R. Martin.

So we never have to find out what happened to them. Joe, I was wondering, when are you going to go back to, they died. They all got killed. And then we get a ridiculously long, how awesome is being Mormon sermon from Ammon here. And the sermon is unremarkable, except for the moment where Aaron cuts in to go, oh, fuck, man, can you just shut up for a second? Yeah. Aaron is like, hey, man, it sure sounds like you're bragging about how awesome you are at killing Lamanites. And Ammon's like, no, no, no, no.

God is great at killing Lamanites with me as his vessel. It's totally different. And if I had to sum up the sermon in a sentence, and I actually kind of do, it would have to be those last few chapters were great. Yes. And I just got to point this out. He ends the chapter with, quote, and his bowels of mercy are over

all the earth, end quote. God should not have had Indian food. God had to stop on the Palisades Parkway three times. It was ridiculous. That's just nasty. Delicious. But since we've gone a few warless chapters here

the lamanites show back up to kill the anti-nephi lehi's so amman and his brothers sneak them off to safety in the land of the nephi yeah so now they're the anti-nephi lehi's of nephi yes jesus like yeah really really hoping for some kind of miracle with the whole nonviolent resistance thing we're doing. So let me know how that works out, guys. So the Nephites find a spot for all of the anti-Nephi-Lehi's up near Bountiful and promise to kill anybody who tries to fuck with them. This land, by the way, is called Jershon. Jershon. Kershan. The names just keep coming.

I hate this fucking book. And of course, this decision leads to a tremendous battle, the likes of which hasn't appeared yet in this book. And the description of this battle is downright Trumpian. Tremendous battle. Nobody's ever seen

a battle like this. The best battle so many bodies. Yeah, but all the dead white people made it look like only six guys died. It's their background, but it's not fair. Right, so tens of thousands of Lamanites were slain

and scattered abroad. You mind scattering these bodies a little bit more? Theyickle them out. Kind of all in the same field at this point, aren't they? It kind of looks like we really weren't working the, using the space. A tremendous amount of this chapter is talking about heaps of bodies,

which even in like a big battle sense seems weird. Right, because you're not climbing up on 11 dead bodies to continue the fight. Right? You would have to. Yeah. Man, got shot with an arrow. Fuck.

All right. I'm going to go lie on top of Alan and Steve. That's a good place to die. Are you guys dead? Pile us up. Just pretend we're dead. Then we get a few, and that's what they get for being so black chapters and thus ends the 15th year of the reign of judges yeah so all is well for a couple of years here then uh the antichrist

shows up and his name is cory whore core core corey whore corey whore sure and do you know what to cory whore's credit i read his blog theore, sure. And do you know what? To Cory whore's credit, I read his blog. The dude makes some solid points. Yeah, I was liking him even before he started leading people into many whoredoms and nihilism. Yeah, yeah, but he gets a little too powerful. So they drag him before Alma where he dares to be an open atheist and even has the audacity to demand evidence. So Alma offers up, you know, what about trees? There's your sign, bitch, for a few verses.

And then has God strike Corey Hoard dumb. Exactly. Which, to be fair, is an odd lead if you've got, you know, muting power in the chamber. Like, okay, how about fucking the Kalam Cosmological? No? Okay, Silencio. Well, to his credit, Koryo is like, okay, I'm convinced. Can you unmute me now so I don't have to write this request on paper?

Well, and then Elma doesn't. Yeah. Koryo has this whole thing about how the devil appeared to him as an angel and made him do all of this shit. And Elma's like, yeah, go fuck yourself. He literally does the like, what? What's that about you being wrong? Can't hear you. Were you

muted? I can't hear. God's just giving him the reverse silent treatment through the bathroom door. No, I don't want to talk about it. And by the way, as a coda to this fucked up story, the mute atheist goes off begging for food until

he's stomped to death by some assholes called the Zoramites. Right. And they try to save this at the end. It's like, okay, wait. The moral of the story is that the devil is not a good support.

Fuck you. Whatever I said before. I don't know. And speaking of the Zoramites, by the way, apparently they too need some Jesus. So Alma gathers together all the named characters from this chapter to go give it to them. Yeah. It's like the world's most boring version of the Expendables. So they get to Zoram and damn if these people don't pray to the fact that Jesus will never exist.

They actually go to one of their churches and in the prayer it's like, and we all know there will never be a Jesus. Amen. I don't know. I kind of like this, you know, religion by exclusion thing. Like, also, you are not a cat god. You are not three llamas in an overcoat. Or four llamas in an overcoat.

Well, and I feel like the further you get into this chapter, the more obvious it is that Zoramites are Joey's stand in for the Jews. Yes. Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, he says, quote, yay. He saw that their hearts were set upon gold and upon silver and upon all manner of fine goods. And, quote, pretty obvious.

I'm just. There you go. All right. Oh, Zoramites. They call themselves the chosen people. They literally use that phrase. All we needed was for Alma to offer them some bacon and for them to say no. Ask them to fix the thermostat.

So Alma prays that they'll stop being so Jewish. And God grants his wish. He also makes them not need to eat or drink anymore, which was a weird choice. Is it? You've been to a restaurant with me. Why would you think that's a weird choice when God is controlling Jesus? Solid point.

Is it too late to be a Mormon? I've said some shit at this point. So Alma and the gang go forth to preach the word of pre-Jesus, but apparently all their synagogues are like the pretentious places Eli likes to eat, so they turn them away for not wearing fancy enough clothes.

Yeah. Is it so much to ask that you have a black and gray dining bonnet, Lucinda? Black and gray. They go with everything. And since we all know how awesome Joey is at tree analogies, he goes back to that well one more time. Yeah. We get a little just the tip of the faith here. I was like, I'll hold still

and you just let a little faith into your heart. I'll keep it here. You back. Slow. Just slow. And Alma bolsters his teachings with the words of the wise old prophets he just made up. Zenos and Zinnok. Who coincidentally were

talking about the same shit Alma was just saying about the fucking tree. Right? Crazy. If only Shmim Shmam was here to tell you how right I am. The great... Wait. Who? You know, a guy I just said. Prophet. Not in any of the Bibles.

Zenos? Him. That one. That guy. Z-Dog. Oh, oh. So Alma Zenos? Him, that one. Zdogg. Ooh, ooh. So Elmer gets done with his multi-chapter sermon, and then Amulek pops on stage to do mop-up duty for 41 verses here. Making me increasingly happy I gave him the voice I did in Mormon Beast Theater.

There you go. And his sermon could be summed up as, well, if there wasn't going to be a Jesus, why would we be calling the years B.C.? Yeah, we get that and some Jesus logistics.

Yeah, perfectly. Makes sense. And some more. Just try the tip of the Jesus just for a second just to see how it feels. I thought you were always going to start vague

booking about his ex any second. And the chapter ends with, and I'm serious about this, if you do good work, someday you'll get to die. Again, I am sold on this Mormon thing guys. Sold. Hard. So they get done preaching and they leave, but when all of the other Zeromites hear what they've been saying about pre-Jesus, they get pissed off and start persecuting the converts. And they do it with like magic mind reading powers.

All right. Secret poll. Eyes closed. Who here believes in Jesus now? And get the fuck out. So, yeah, the Zoramites kick out all the people that got infected with Mormonism, so they go to live with the

anti-Nephi-Lehi's and Gershon's out of Bountiful. Those are all words that make sense together. So you're describing a Swedish woman like shopping for dishwashing liquid. Not English. So a war breaks out and that makes Alma all sad

so he gathers his sons together to bore the fuck out of them for the next three chapters like your dad describing his sex life to you after Thanksgiving it's a lot well some dads he's got some interesting shit going on now yeah

everything's a sex swing now yeah so we start with his son Helleman to whom he basically recounts the angel part from earlier he also gets a part wrong here he says that he was dumb for three days when in Messiah he was dumb for two yes

a little thing but the made up character in the hat narrated book can't keep how long he was cursed for straight and this is also where he passes the plates of brass off to hell i'm in uh so we can establish our next narrator yeah yeah he gets the ancient compass thingy which like it hasn't been used in years it's pretty much the family gun at this point right do most families have a gun is that a thing or yarmulke secret gold whatever makes

sense to you and that leads us into yet another this book you're reading is super important discussion so important that he spends a paragraph explaining how to shine the damn plates. Yes. And I'm pretty sure this is where we meet Joey's magical hat rock, which the Lord has entrusted to his servant, Gazalem, in case nobody can read these plates later.

I got to say, for Joey, Gazalem is pretty good. Yeah, that's actually pretty good. He also kind of spoils the ending of the book. He tells Helaman, he's like, look, all these motherfuckers are going to die by the end of this, but don't tell them that. They'll lose their shit. Maybe what the stone sees, we just keep between you and me.

I mean, you can like snap stone to me, but that's it. Keep it tight. Well, then we enter this weird, hey, you guys remember that magic compass thing? Me too, part of the book. Yeah, well, we enter this weird hey you guys remember that magic compass thing me too part of the yeah yeah well see this is what it looks like when joey thinks he's being clever he's saying hey you know that was a compass but this book is a lot like a compass too isn't it so that takes care of helleman uh so now it's time for him to bestow some fatherly advice on Shiblon.

Shiblon. And then this speech opens with, I'm so proud of how good you are at getting tortured for your religion, son. Good boy. And this section is total bullshit because Shiba Inu doesn't get any plates or compasses or nothing. Right.

And that's going to do it for Shiblon. But now it's time to spend four fucking chapters with Alma talking to his third son, Corianton. You can just tell he just decides when to end the name sort of randomly. Corianton. Just stop it.

And the good news is this is the last bit we're going to cover tonight, these four chapters. Thank you, Jeebus. Ah, yes. Youngest Child Syndrome, even in holy books. Yep. Yep. And he opens with, so, you're not as good as your brothers, are you? Right on cue. Right on cue.

And that's immediately followed by, and you really shouldn't have run around with that skank, Isabel. And your atheism is just a phase. Anyone else get the feeling Joe's translator came in like with his fly on zip looking ruffled that day? And if you've been sitting here wondering so how's this resurrection thing gonna

play out? No worries. This book has you covered. 20 bucks says that it goes down once you pee. And the explanation just stumbles out into the next chapter with Alma going okay that didn't really make much sense let me dig into this restoration thing a bit

alright I kind of fucked that one up let me try that again but mostly he just spends the chapter talking about what a dick hole he was. Yeah. See, the thing about Jesus is, by the way, everyone hates you and you chew with your mouth open. He loves everyone. See?

And then we mercifully get chapter 42, our blast for the night, which starts off with, Okay, I know the eternal misery thing makes our God seem like the bad guy. Let me back up. Let me explain myself. He literally says, I perceive there is somewhat more which doth worry your mind. This is the first historical incident of, now hear me out.

Let me finish. It's states' rights is the reason. And in a perfect demonstration that apologists haven't come up with anything new in at least, oh, 183 years, he gives us the free will argument. He does. And in case that doesn't do it, he offers up the argument from those motherfuckers had it coming. Yeah. And there's a new one on me, at least in here, The argument from how could God forgive you if you don't sin? It's a new one.

And then he closes it by reminding his kid not to be evil. Yep. The end. That's the cliff we're going to leave you hanging on until next time, I guess. We'll be polishing off this miserable fucking Alma stuff in three weeks. But between now and then, everything we read is going to seem good. Anyone got a suicide note? Me. Me. Hands up me you should know better than that

before we wrap things up tonight i want to remind everybody about the foundation beyond belief fundraiser that i talked about in the diatribe not only will it help the flooding victims but it'll also help combat that stereotype about atheists not being charitable. You'll find a link in the show notes on our Facebook page and on our Twitter feed. Give what you can. Also, we've got a live show coming up in Austin at the end of next month. A portion of the profits from that show will also go towards disaster relief. You'll find links to buy tickets in the show notes, too.

Anyway, that's all the blasphemy we've got for you tonight. We'll be back in 10,022 minutes with more. If you can't wait that long, be on the lookout for a brand new episode of our sister show, The Skeptocrat, debuting at 7 a.m. Eastern time on Monday. An even newer episode of our sister show's hot friend, Godawful Movies, at 7 a.m. Eastern on Tuesday. And a so new, it's almost prenatal episode of our half-sister show, Citation Need, at noon Eastern on Wednesday.

Obviously, this would be more of an epist than an episode if I neglected to thank Heath Enright for writing dick jokes on his birthday to keep this operation rolling ahead. I need to thank Eli Bosnick in advance for writing dick jokes on his birthday instead of other things he may have hinted at ahead. I need to thank Eli Bosnick in advance for writing dick jokes on his birthday instead of other things he may have hinted at. And I need to thank the lovely and talented

Lucinda Lusions for a lot of stuff, some of which also involves dicks and birthdays, but most of which doesn't. I also want to thank John and Logan from the Wayward Willis podcast for writing this week's Farnsworth quote. If you're looking to broaden your blend of atheist podcast voices, you'll find their show linked on the show notes as well. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most beneficent bipeds,

Sean, Eric, Gary, Joel, The Gak, Bree, Farron, Jordan, Justin, Sohan, Troy, and Jamie. Sean, Eric, Gary, and Joel, who are so virile they take more energy to decouple than quarks. The Gak, Bree, Farron, and Jordan, whose thoughts carry so much weight their opinions cause tides. And Justin, Sohan, Troy, and Jamie, who are so noble

helium, neon, argon, krypton, xenon, and radon just got demoted to the mildly distinguished gases. Together, this dozen deliciously dreamy disbelievers delivered a damn daunting directive to the deceitful douche-drinking deviants that duped the defenseless with dogmatic damnation doctrine this week by giving us money. Not everybody has the ability to intimidate douche-drinkers that it takes to give us money, but if you do this week, you're probably better off sending it to the victims of Hurricane Harvey. Seriously, they need it more than we do. Again, link in the show notes.

Legal services for this podcast are provided by the Law Offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. Ah, nope, nope. I got it one more time one more time uno mas I nope

one more time it's weird dos mas it's weird the preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC copyright 2017

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