The Scathing Atheist - ScathingAtheist 238: Boo-Dissed Edition

Episode Date: September 7, 2017

In this week’s episode, Joel Osteen has a monstrous heart to go with his teeth, we learn that Susan Smith was really just trying some homeopathic dilution on her kids, and Noah will turn out to have been right about Buddhism. Again. To make a per episode donation at Patreon.com, click here: http://www.patreon.com/ScathingAtheist To buy our book, click there: http://www.amazon.com/Diatribes-Godless-Misanthrope-Scathing-Presents-ebook/dp/B00J53FZFI/ref=sr11?ie=UTF8&qid=1396141562&sr=8-1 To check out our sister show, The Skepticrat, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/the-skepticrat To check out our sister show’s hot friend, God Awful Movies, click here: https://audioboom.com/channel/god-awful-movies To check out out half-sister show, Citation Needed, click here: http://citationpod.com/ Headlines: Joel O’Steen defines douche baggery in hurricane response: http://religionnews.com/2017/08/30/joel-osteens-church-defends-itself-after-social-media-storm/ and http://www.patheos.com/blogs/progressivesecularhumanist/2017/08/osteen-asks-50-minimum-donation-helping-hurricane-victims/ Kevin Swanson says Houston is being punished for not passing anti-trans bill: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/08/31/kevin-swanson-god-is-punishing-texas-for-not-passing-anti-trans-bathroom-bill/ Rick Wiles pins it on sexual perversion: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/08/30/rick-wiles-god-punished-houston-for-its-embrace-of-sexual-perversion/ Daubenmire says it’s about abortion and lesbian mayors: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/08/30/dave-daubenmire-god-was-punishing-houston-over-abortion-and-a-lesbian-mayor/ Texas churches suing FEMA to get recovery money: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/05/texas-churches-are-suing-fema-for-excluding-them-in-disaster-relief-grants/ Some Wackaloon: The Illuminati are using a special frequency to change people’s DNA to make them hate Trump: http://www.rightwingwatch.org/post/mark-taylor-freemasons-and-illuminati-are-using-a-special-frequency-to-change-dna-and-make-people-hate-trump/ Con artist and radio host tries to use voodoo to thwart investigation: https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/morning-mix/wp/2017/08/31/radio-host-and-accused-ponzi-schemer-used-hoodoo-spell-to-thwart-probe-feds-say Atheists challenge program that allows prisoners to leave prison for church: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/02/atheists-say-program-letting-prisoners-leave-jail-to-go-to-church-is-illegal/ CDC: Homeopathic bracelet gave infant lead poisoning: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2017/09/02/a-homeopathic-bracelet-gave-an-infant-lead-poisoning-says-the-cdc/ This Week in Misogyny: Half of men don’t know where the vagina is: http://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/vagina-men-identify-faily-half-diagram-vagina-gynaecological-cancer-female-genitalia-a7921421.html Children’s publisher apologizes for puberty book that says breasts exist to make women look “grown up and attractive” https://www.theguardian.com/books/2017/aug/29/usborne-apologises-puberty-book-childrens-publisher

Warning, the following podcast contains language that might be objectionable to people who object to dumb shit. This week's episode of The Scathing Atheist is brought to you by Dollar Shave Club and by one final round of our Eli Bosnick in five words or less contest. Today's winner is AR, who's clearly a dummy account made by eli ar had well-meaning beautiful friend husband also adding dude has problems but he tries to be better and make the world better hashtag no shame well done ar eli whoever it was and now it's time for a new subject which works out great because donald trump just nominated sam clovis a not scientist to be the chief scientist for the USDA.

And he's enormous. So we're going to add a couple of words. Send us your best seven words or less using the hashtag ClovisSkath. And you could be the next winner. And now, Skathing Acres. This is Kate from Tennessee. And I'm here to tell you that we did, in fact, evolve from filthy monkey men. And I know.

Because most of the people in Tennessee still have about the same intellectual capacity as filthy monkey men. Why the fuck do I live here? It's Thursday. It's September 7th. And it's like the old children's game, Daka Daka Goose Step. I'm Noah Lugens. I'm Eli Bosnick. I'm Ian Wright.

And from New York, New York, Secret Lair, Pennsylvania, this is Scathing Atheist. On this week's episode, Joel Osteen has a monstrous heart to go with his teeth. We learned that Susan Smith was really just trying some homeopathic dilution on her kids. And Noel turned out to have been right about Buddhism. Again. But first, the diatribe. so how bad would shit have to get before you said to yourself man i need to get my ass to bangladesh now that sounds like a joke but i honestly want you to consider it for a second right think about how bad your life would have to be before you'd be willing to give up all your possessions that you couldn't

carry on your back and risk your life to make it to the 12th shittiest country in the world because that's how bad it is for hundreds of thousands of rohingya muslims in burma right now these victims of buddhist violence are fleeting to bangladesh by the tens of thousands official estimates suggest at least 60,000 have crossed into Bangladesh in the last two weeks, with thousands more sleeping in open fields at the border just hoping to be allowed in. Still more are fleeing by boats in hopes of making it to India or Australia, and scores of them have died when those rickety vessels capsized. Dozens more have been shot dead by Burmese security forces as they try to escape as well.

Dozens more have been shot dead by Burmese security forces as they try to escape as well. Now, to be fair, the government denies that, right? They say they're not shooting civilians, but they've had to say that an awful lot lately. I'm not shooting civilians either, but I don't have to remind the international press of that every few hours. They insist they're only killing armed militants. So I guess all those thousands of people dying of dehydration on the border are just being paranoid right and the hundreds of refugees that told reporters they saw burmese government officials indiscriminately killing women and children are a bunch of fucking liars and the rohingya are clearly just burning down their own mosques and villages to make the buddhist majority look bad the government has actually made that claim like

who must be burning down their own stuff we ain't got nothing to do with it that's actually what they said so okay if you're not super caught up on the situation allow me to condense a couple of centuries of history into a few sentences here the rohingya muslims are widely hated throughout southeast asia and they've got it bad everywhere but nowhere do they have it as bad as they've got it in burma this 90 buddhist nation has made some of a national pastime out of pressing these people hell despite the fact that these guys have lived in Burma for generations, the government still officially classifies them as Bengali immigrants. And why, pray tell, are they so reviled? Well, you already know the answer, but I'm going to tell you anyway. It's because they're the wrong fucking religion.

See, I've been following this situation for years because I'm constantly confronted by uninformed secularists that labor under the delusion that buddhism is somehow the good religion you know a quick googling would disabuse them of this notion but depressingly few people bother so i'm constantly left to do the googling for them so one more time for the people in the back buddhism also sucks despite its stellar west coast pr buddhism is a violent religion that spawns terrorism and societal conflict and is used to justify misogyny, homophobia, and anti-scientific attitudes. All the religious bad shit is there. And it should come as no surprise to anyone because Buddhism is a religion and those things are true of all the religions. But for some fucking reason, a lot of people seem not to know this even in the atheist community and seem hostile to the idea of learning it in fact whenever i point out

that buddhism is a violent religion i'm inundated with would-be buddhist apologists almost exclusively atheists offering up the same tired bullshit arguments that they would never accept from christians you know they start quoting the budd me. Well, fuck, I can find nice sounding shit attributed to Jesus and Muhammad too, guys. They start talking doctrine to me. Well, ask Christians about doctrine and they can make their religion smell awfully fucking rosy too. They'll start telling me about some friend who got into Buddhism and only took away positive results as though I couldn't find a converted Muslim or born again Christian that would make the same claim. They try to divvy up Buddhist sects and argue that all of Buddhism shouldn't shoulder the blame in a way that they curiously fail to do when

distinguishing, say, Wahhabists from Shias. So here's the actual record, okay? Burma is an absolute hell for people who don't conform to the majority religion, like decidedly worse than Bangladesh. Thailand saw calls for violence out of Buddhist sects throughout the 70s, and there have been widespread outbreaks of Buddhist violence against Muslims there as recently as 2004. Less widespread ones a hell of a lot more recently. Buddhist monks in Laos decided back in the 70s that the whole nonviolence thing didn't count if you were killing commies. Buddhists in Cambodia were willing to make the same exception for killing white people. Sri Lanka has been an absolute den of Buddhist violence since it was Ceylon.

Bhutan has the highest level of domestic abuse acceptance of any country in the world. Mongolia had its very own Buddhist ISIS back in the 1920s that's mostly remembered now for their gruesome public executions. And in case you're not keeping track, I just listed all the Buddhist majority nations in the world. Every fucking one of them has seen its share of Buddhist violence. And to those who want to paint that religion as progressive and egalitarian, I should point out that only one

of those countries is in the top half of nations in terms of women's rights. And that's Thailand at a miserable 65th overall. Thailand is also the only one in the top hundred countries in terms of LGBT rights. And also it's the only one in the top 100 in terms of the happiness reports, and the only one that cracks the top 100 in terms of human freedom. And again, at a miserable 55th place, Saudi Arabia is 64th on that list. Also, none of those countries do particularly well in terms of violent crime. I mean, you know, depends on what you compare them to. None of them are as bad as the United States of America, but all of them except Cambodia tend to suffer from more violent crime than their non-Buddhist neighbors. In other words, the non-violent cornerstone in their religion

is every bit as persuasive as the thou shalt not kill one in Christianity. See, here's the problem with Buddhism. It's a fucking religion. At its core, what religion does is separate decisions from reason. Without religion, there's nobody to absolve the violence. People have to get through their own moral compasses and just decide that killing people and burning down their villages is ethically justified. And that's a damn hard thing to do. I mean, obviously it is, or no one would have ever had to invent religion. And if you want to predict how dangerous a religion is going to be,

all you need to know is how much power it yields. Buddhism is harmless in most places because they don't have any power. They don't have enough adherence to do anything bad. But the violence of Judaism is pretty much invisible outside Israel too, isn't it? The violence of Christianity is all but invisible in China and the violence of Islam is all but invisible in Burma and the violence of Islam is all but invisible in Burma, and not just because most of them are dead or leaving. Now, to be clear, there are better and worse religions in terms of violence, but only because there are better and worse everythings in terms of everything. We cannot make the mistake of thinking in two relative of terms here.

I mean, I probably say this more often than the copyright shit at the end of the show but the problem with religions is that they're religions and any illusion that obscures that fact is a dangerous one they're talking about your jesus interrupt this broadcast and bring you a special news bulletin joining me for headlines tonight are the crasses and pompey to my caesar heath enright and eli bosnick fellas which one he wants to march blindly into a Parthian death trap and which one wants to be assassinated by Egyptian rednecks? Eli does. Eli does. Eli does.

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The smarter choice. And now, back to the headlines. In our lead story tonight, Joe Lowstein is a callous, heartless, rapacious, repugnant, disgusting, miserly, apathetic, obdurate, malicious, dental oddity. And I want to formally apologize for not ripping him the new asshole he deserved in last week's diatribe. A lot of people were apparently hoping for that, but when we recorded last week, the story was still unfolding and he'd injected just enough bullshit into the

news cycle that it was impossible to parse out exactly which fuck yous he deserved and which ones he didn't. But now the evidence is in and I can report confidently that he deserved all the fuck yous. Yeah. And he looks like Gary Busey's teeth were cryogenically frozen and then came back to life and found a new host looks like his teeth have teeth all right so as you've no doubt all heard well before now during the record raping rainfall in houston last week jo Joel Osteen's

basketball stadium, Come Church, elected to help the good people of Houston by telling them which churches were less douchey than them when they showed up. Okay, just real quick. Come Church is a thing? I need to reevaluate our whole job. And there's basketball involved? A basketball Come Church? We'll talk about it after the recording. Sounds great. So numerous reports began surfacing on Sunday that evacuees were being turned away from the 16,000 seat church. Now the church disputed those claims at the time

saying they hadn't opened as a shelter because the church was inaccessible. But if you're turning people away, they've already accessed you. So that's definitely horse shit. Also, everyone knows you went out there with your fucking giant beaver teeth and made a series of dams to keep the building safe. We see you, Joel Osteen. Nobody, no one was better qualified for this shit.

But the horse shit was deeper than that. Okay, so a few self-appointed fact checkers in the area took their cell phones down to the church and began posting pictures that made it very clear the roadways leading to the church were clear. Lakewood responded by posting photos of floating that they claimed was in their basement, to which the rest of the Internet said. Maybe don't put evacuees in the in the basement spots. Right. Okay. And at the time, in Joel's defense, you can't put people in a building

at basements full of water. You don't know what the structural damage is or the mildew or the rot or the disease is like down there. It's not like all of a sudden you have a shelter with a pool, but we're going to find out. We're going to find out fun things. But at the time, I was on Joel's side. I'm going to explain.

But I was, okay. Yeah, I mean, it's not a shelter with a pool it's just a shelter yeah that's right well look if your building is at risk of major structural damage from a two-inch flood in the basement probably shouldn't put 16 800 worshipers in it every week one way or the other fucking thing should be condemned and as to rot mildew and disease that only matters if you're keeping them in the basement and chaining them there for quite a while actually uh of course that was all rendered irrelevant because it turned out that the flooded basement pictures they posted on social media weren't even pictures from their church yeah just some other place nearby that was really flooded. Which means

they actually went around asking people, hey, can we take a selfie in your flooded basement? No, I mean, not you. Just with the floods. Can you get out of the frame? It's like trying to fake a black friend. I bet Joel Osteen's done that too. Hey, this guy.

Get in here. Get in here, you. No, no, no. I don't want you to take the picture. Now, their next defense, Osteen's next defense, was that the city had designated their church as a distribution center rather than an evacuation center. And that may or may not be true, but I mean, there were people all over the city just letting wet people

into their homes and shit none of those homes were designated as an anything shelter they were just you know there was just wet people outside whose homes were underwater and i don't think anybody's claiming that the church was so goddamn full of supplies they were distributing that there was no room left for humans and regardless it doesn't really matter how good the excuse you switch to turns out right now eventually the social media shaming battered osteen down in lakewood did open as a shelter in all about 400 people i think were eventually sheltered in the cavernous building that holds tens of thousands according to its website but the fact that his assistance was both belated and nominal didn't stop him from trying to make a little money off the deal.

Not only did his church pass around a collection plate to evacuees. Fuck you. Yeah. But minutes after caving to the public outcry for basic human decency, Lakewood Church blasted out an email reminding their members and supporters that Osteen can't exactly take care of this trifling number of refugees out of his personal 40 million dollar fortune come on in fact the message basically said we really want to help you so please give us your money which to be fair is the entire prosperity gospel distilled into 12 words

it sure is also by the way if you're not on that email list join it because it is awesome he's just been like all right now hear me out hear me out let me explain cardboard boxes when they get wet are fucking heavy and in a sod of mighty wind news tonight according to all the bigots on eli's gonna lick you list, the gay people caused another hurricane. Damn the gay people. Also, the trans people and the baby killers. Damn the trans people and the baby killers.

And especially the gay trans baby killers. Triple threat. I can't bring myself to damn them. Sorry. Well, technically it was actually God who caused another hurricane, but it was the gay sex, trans people peeing and people murdering cum that forced God to fire up Hurricane Harvey and hit Houston. Also, lesbians caused it, too, because religious bigots tend to get very confused by Venn diagrams. Diagrams in general.

Yeah, I feel like by Venn diagrams were superfluous words there. Well, like I said, just about every asshole in our weird file cabinet of bigots had something to say about this. Fun fact, cabinet of bigots was the original draft of Drain the Swamp. I don't know if people know that. The one they ended up going with after all, too. Yeah, and for example, we heard from Rick Wiles. Oh, good.

According to Rick Wiles, who, by the way, still might end up being right about Obama coming into the schools to rape your children. Still might happen. You don't know. He's only 56.

He can still do it. He's got a lot of good years left for raping. Oh, yeah. He's windsurfing. He's cut. I feel like he's a lot more healthy now. He's spry since he left office.

Yeah, no. So that might still happen. Anyway, according to Rick Wiles, Hurricane Harvey was Houston's punishment for all the sexual perversion. During his ridiculous radio show last week, Wiles told his audience, quote, Houston has boasted of

its devotion to the homosexual slash lesbian agenda. What? End quote. He also might have added, what's a subset? Fuck you, nerd. Ah, yes. The sinful haven of liberalism that is Texas.

Yep. Rick Wild's house could get hit by a tornado and he'd blame it on the dog being gay. I noticed he don't have no lady legs. Hold on a second. Hold on now. Yeah, let's see. We also heard some Christian meteorology from Kevin Swanson.

Oh, this will be good. You might remember him as the hate pastor who called for the execution of gay people. Could you be more specific? Or as I will, I will. You might remember him as the organizer of gop campaign events still that's all right sorry um also as the guy who looks like he always just got photoshopped into a suit that's too big for him i know that now there's more people well uh according to swanson

houston got flooded because texas hasn't passed an anti-trans bathroom bill yet and also because of the homosexual lesbians well yes of course especially the lesbian former mayor of houston who left office a year and a half ago so apparently it takes god about 18 months to create a hurricane or he's on like a tape delay something god's that friend that keeps canceling on you Oh God I have this hurricane thing Was that today? We were supposed to meet up today Oh my gosh I'm so sorry I'm so sorry

Alright and one last Hurricane theory We also heard from Christian right activist And composite sketch of Every angry little league father Dave Dobenmeier. According to Coach Dave, it was the homosexual female lesbians attracted to women lesbians, the killing of babies, and also apparently black people?

What? You tell me. Here's the quote. I'm told that Houston is one of the darkest cities in America. What? Katrina slammed New Orleans. We know about the voodoo and the darkness in New Orleans. What? Then it moved right down the coast to Houston.

End quote. That's black people, right? Okay. Well, wait. Wait. I mean, all the bad stuff in this country does seem to happen to black people a lot more. Have we considered that they're like magnets for bad stuff like i can't think of any other reason because we're all egalitarian now i don't

understand for you that's a joke for jeff sessions that's an immigration policy it's different stuff to different people you say yes so this all leads to the question can god create a gay person that he's capable of ignoring and it looks like the answer is no apparently not but christians are going to give him a pass nobody's perfect anyway here's the takeaway for everyone listening if you live in the u.s and you're looking to get involved in some good butt sex, pretty much all of it happens in late August and early September in the Gulf region. So check it out. Florida State back to school. I get it.

Yeah. And in FEMA Donna news tonight, in an effort to make sure that Osteen's church didn't hog up all the good atheist vitriol this week, three churches in Texas' devastated Gulf Coast are suing FEMA over their ineligibility to receive federal disaster relief grants. So, yes, the tax exempt organizations are lining up to take tax money away from victims of historic flooding, just like that guy in that diatribe last week said they would. Which is why I know his diatribe this week is about why everyone needs to stop sucking my dick. Right?

No. Please. Well, it should definitely be a super fun site. Well, that's what I'm saying. In terms of toxicity. We can rebuild him. So, Diana Verm, an attorney with a firm representing the church, has explained, quote, Hurricane Harvey didn't cherry pick its victims.

FEMA shouldn't cherry pick who it helps end quote um yeah see the whole cherry picking analogy kind of falls apart when you're trying to just get cherries right like if i get a can that says maraschino cherries and it's mostly leaves i'm not applauding the farmer for their intellectual integrity but beyond that the government did cherry pick who had to pay the fucking taxes that they're fighting over, right? Let me explain. Let me explain. Diana, I know you're a big fan. I know you love the show. You remember that story about the grasshopper and the ant?

It's like that, except the grasshopper has always been eating the wheat and trying to stop the ants from getting married. That's what he does with the wheat and trying to stop the ants from getting married. That's what he does. Right. Yeah, and the ants run a hospital and the grasshoppers run a wishing well. Right. And rape human kids. Weird grasshoppers.

Very rapey grasshoppers. Very large, rapey grasshoppers. And in de-enabling my delusions news tonight, retired firefighter and living amalgamation of every high school yearbook picture ever, Mark Taylor has many interests. He's a patriot. He invented a piece of cloth you can use

to drag people out of burning buildings, which he sells on his website. And he relates prophecies from God on the same website. Yep. Makes sense. Seriously. It's like ways to use this tarp I made to carry people.

Oh, and by the way, this is what God wants you to know about the Illuminati. It's the best. Oh, my God. This guy is time cube brought to life and shoved into an overfed Jeff Foxworthy clone. He looks like Begbie from Trainspotting. He decided to try heroin and then he ended up getting addicted to like actual brown sugar instead somehow now taylor who when he delivers prophecies calls himself shakini kami a name that according to just him translates from

a combination of african and ind Indian languages into beautiful one whose desires are fulfilled and in whose life the Lord dwells with the divine wind of providence. Oh, really? Yeah, that's what that means. Has prophesied such events as Donald Trump becoming president, you know, to establish his cred. Thousands of secret high level pedophiles being arrested after the inauguration, you know, to establish his cred. Thousands of secret high-level pedophiles being arrested after the inauguration, you know, to establish his cred. And most recently, that the

Freemasons and Illuminati are sending out an evil frequency to change people's DNA and make them hate Donald Trump. So many things wrong with that. This is the guy that whipped Dan Rather's ass, isn't it?

This is that guy. Wait, so these guys don't like Trump, he's saying, and they have radio DNA mind control powers also, but they waited until after the election

to use those powers. Seems like odd timing yeah the perfect crime heath so while appearing on sheila zielinski's radio program he said quote i believe what happened on november 8th is the enemy has literally sent out a frequency and it agitated and took control basically of those who have had their dna that was turned over to the enemy that's what's happening the illuminati the freemasons all these people their main goal is to change the dna of a man and they're doing it through these frequencies end quote hundred bucks says this guy thinks double helix was the 43rd president of the United States. If you asked him. Bet not taken. And what you may ask is the source of his suspicion?

Well, I'll tell you. See, people have been writing to him to say that their families hate them for voting for Trump. Huh? Yeah. Amazing. In the interview, he says, quote, Christians have been writing me to say I support Trump, but my family is isolating me.

Nobody in my church will talk to me. It's because their DNA is being controlled by the enemy. And that actually makes a little bit of sense. I was listening to the radio backwards the other day. It was just Bernie Sanders going Guanine, Guanine, Guanine. We need single payer. Guanine, listen. Adenine, guanine, guanine. We need single payer. Guanine.

Adenine. Adenine. Thymine. So in case you were wondering how crazy Trump supporters are, they are. Someone must be manipulating people's DNA because there is no way everyone is mad at me crazy. It's like the old saying goes, if you go through life and you meet a few assholes, you've met a few assholes. And if you go through life and everyone's an asshole, the Illuminati is manipulating everyone's DNA. And see, herein lies the futility of our entire endeavor, because if we ever want to succeed, we have to explain the benefits of GMOs to this guy, right? To people who think DNA is a thing that can be altered by radio frequencies resulting in predictable changes in behavior. I mean, how the fuck would that even work?

That even work? That even work? Okay, try it again. Rah, I hate Ronald Flump. Fuck, he's back to Ronald again. Hey, Steve. Hey, old Satan. Hey, Alan, old Satan.

How's it going? Oh, this has been a fucking nightmare. I've been at this all weekend. Rah, I hate Ronald Dump. Seriously? Fucking thing. It's not... That was close.

Maybe close enough. Yeah, I guess we're getting there Keep at it man You coming to Kathy's blood orgy tonight? I'm gonna try Is Denise gonna be there though? Rah! I hate Donald Duck! Little thing for Denise, huh?

I don't know Maybe Maybe Did she say anything? Rah! I hate Forrest Gump oh steve and denise sit in a g get out of here man come on you get out of here rah i hate groggled trump okay man i'll see you tonight uh maybe don't be 15 minutes late and you and denise can share a baby. Never know. All right, Alan. We'll see you later. Rah!

I hate Denise! Fucking thing! And while we've got Eli hooked up to the electrodes, I got a few things to avenge. So we're going to take a quick break and hand things over to my lovely wife, Lucinda. Rah, Denise. A man wrote the Bible? A whore is what she was. If it's a legitimate race. If it's a slut, right? Cooking can be fun. It occurred to me this week that I might be going about this whole thing in the wrong way.

For years now, I've been approaching this whole feminism thing like it was an effort to explain the importance of gender equality. But based on the stories I'll be covering this week, it might be too ambitious to explain to these guys what women's rights are all about. Because with some of these idiots, I have to start by explaining what women are. And this never fails to amaze me. Every straight guy I know grew up looking at naked women from the time they realized what opposable thumbs on men were for. And yet most of them can't find the clitoris with a map. But it turns out that it's worse than I ever imagined. You see, according to a new study out of the UK, 50% of men aren't even sure where the vagina is. The study asked 2,000 people to point out the vagina on a diagram, half of whom were men, and half of them got it wrong. And their girlfriends very rarely shit comfortably, by the way. Now, this is largely being played as a T, half the people thing, the sun goes around the earth kind

of statistic. But I'd urge you to be terrified by this, especially if you have one of those elusive vaginas. See, like it or not, men write all the fucking laws, even the ones about vaginas. So the fact that they seem to think they're on the elbow or something is a pretty serious problem. Of course, I don't want to oversell the results. None of the stories I could find show the diagram they used. So I don't know how specific an answer they wanted. I mean, seems like a pretty easy question, obviously. But 44% of the women also couldn't find Walda either. So I feel like maybe they use some weird magic eye porn or something.

But maybe I'm just trying to put a positive spin on the whole thing. I mean, I guess it's possible that half of the men don't know where the vag is. It means a lot of guys have been lying when they say they've slipped. But it is possible. I mean, just look at the education they have to work with for example i've got another story out of the uk for you this one involves the country's largest publisher of children's books who have been exacerbating the lady bits confusion in the british youth with a book that explains that women's breasts exist quote to make the girl look grown up and attractive, end quote. After a social media

backlash, You Sporn Publishing has apologized for the characterization and promised to revise the puberty guide for boys. And that's good and all, but holy shit, is this something that nobody should have to tell them? And the very fact that any human could write, edit, or approve a children's book that says boobs exist from Minda Ogle is all the evidence I need that we've still got a long way to go. So with a quick reminder that it's where the left leg meets the right one, I'll hand things back over to Noah, Heath, and Eli. Thank you, Lucinda. And in who do you think you're fooling news tonight?

Last week, the U.S. Attorney's Office in Baltimore filed a federal criminal complaint in U.S. District Court against former radio host, financial advisor, and fashion mogul Dawn J. Bennett for wire fraud, bank fraud, and false statements in relation to a loan and credit applications despite her attempts to

thwart them with literal magic. See, that strikes me as another fraud charge right there fbi walks into her house she's just like shazam and just looking at each other we're gonna throw a smoke bomb or just nothing just nothing cool okay i see you you're under arrest when investigators entered the apartment of benn, who was accused of lying to her investment clients and instead running her financial investment firm as a Ponzi or pyramid scheme, using money from new clients to pay off older ones. including but not limited to split beef tongues with the names of various law enforcement officers stuffed inside jars of vinegar filled with beef tongue with lawyers names on them and last but certainly not least just a piece of paper that said according to the article i read

i cross and cover you come under under my command. Command you to hold your tongue. End quote. So, yeah, full grown woman managing millions of dollars in assets tried to resort to crisscross applesauce to get away with the posies. And she would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling. Physics. Isaac Newton. Yeah. She's just yanking on her real skin, trying to pull a mask off.

You're really bad at this, lady. What are you doing? Now, Bennett does face jail time as well as a civil suit for millions and millions of dollars. But more importantly, we now know why the Chick-fil-A cows need to write their message down. And that's a message we can all take home. why the Chick-fil-A cows need to write their message down. And that's a message we can all take home. And in look how gay we aren't news tonight,

in an effort to remove all the pesky ambiguity, 150 evangelical leaders gathered last week to make it very clear that at this point, hating gay people is the whole point of Christianity. This so-called Nashville statement comes to us from the dick shrivelingly titled council on biblical manhood and womanhood that'll kill a boner and despite its florid verbosity it can entirely be summed up in three words god hates fags and and so do we yeah well right right six words yeah seven if you add the and doesn't kill all boners just saying anyway um these guys couldn't be more gay the statement might as well be a video of them like pushing gay people on the playground and pulling their hair and then running away with red cheeks and awkward erections all right so the statement consists of 14 articles only one of which doesn't directly

call for bigotry against gay and or trans people and even that one isn't off the hook article six says we don't hate people with ambiguous genitals which i mean that's good on its face but it's also an admission that after the first five articles they needed to clarify that shit i mean i guess you could argue that article two isn't strictly anti-lgbt since all it says is sex outside of marriage is sinful but since article one is all about how gay people shouldn't get married it's a weak argument at best um and then article 11 pump fakes morality a bit i guess it starts off we affirm our duty to speak the truth in love at all times which sounds good up through

that and then the second clause of the sentence makes it super clear that they're talking about refusing to use appropriate pronouns when talking to trans people that's how they're you know refusing to bear a false witness yeah i love you and that's why i'm going to behave in a way that is loving only in the context of pushing you out of the way of a car that only I believe exists. Right. So, pushing? Love pushing. Love.

Exactly. I think there's a car. That's why it's nice. I know there's not. And if I actually believed it, I would behave. But I pretend to think there's a car. Yeah, exactly. Now, I want to be clear that while this isn't coming from the southern baptist convention or anything it's also

not coming from like just some homophobes basement i mean i'm sure that's where it started i guess where it's coming from originally but many of the signatories are well-respected leaders of the evangelical movement uh among the type of people that respect evangelical leaders i mean um and while not all christians are lining up to endorse it the ones on trump's evangelical advisory board sure the fuck are so long ways from inconsequential i'd say i wasn't ready for this and finally tonight from the delusions of grandeur file, we have another story about homeopathy. I bet it's not a good one. So as many people already know, other than real medicine, sugar pills, or literally anything else,

homeopathy is the only way to get the placebo effect working in your favor. And until our good friend Marsh does an American version of his that's nothing, you're all idiots tour, it looks like fake medicine that costs money will remain legal and readily available to stupid people here in the U.S. And that's despite a recent headline about a homeopathic healing bracelet

that almost poisoned a baby to death last year. Okay, well, if it doesn't have anything in it how can it poison a baby checkmate heath give me three pawns that's not no but i want to back up a little because i want to point out that homeopathy is not just a problem for stupid people it's also a problem for like in a hurry people since pharmacists hide it in the actual medicine and there's no regulation that requires them to put a giant this doesn't work sign over it i have a fun game i like to play in pharmacies in new york called ask the pharmacist if homeopathy works oh that is a fun game oh shit i gotta get in on that okay so uh here's how fake nonsense medicine being legal and weirdly widely trusted can lead

to stuff that's way worse than just idiots or in a hurry people wasting money apparently a new mother from manchester connecticut was distressed by her baby daughter having pain while teething and i'm gonna stop right there you're already the worst give the kid a little whiskey on the gums everybody knows that leads to healthy habits later in life mama don't let your baby grow up to be podcasters yeah well instead the mom decided to buy a so-called homeopathic magnetic hematite healing bracelet. Oh my god, that's so much bullshit. So much bullshit. And she got it from

a hippie with pretend magic powers at a local fair. Just a general rule, real medicine is obtained inside a building. Legalize it. Also, not medicine. Well, legalize it, but not medicine. Legalize it but not yeah but right not medicine

anyway legalize the medicine let everybody have the not medicine anyway the bracelet obviously did nothing like it's supposed to at least up until the baby got lead poisoning from the lead contained in the bracelet given to a baby jesus and that baby named thamed Thomas Middleton Jr. Call three weeks forward and across to a different show. On the Patreon-only episode, but with a different surname. Midgley. Deep cuts. Deep, deep, deep. Super, super deep cuts.

Deep cuts. Everybody Google Thomas Middleton, and hopefully it'll say, Did you mean Tom Midgley Jr.? And you'll get this joke maybe eventually in like three weeks good stuff yeah so uh so according to a report from the centers for disease control and prevention or cdc this nine month old girl had over eight times more lead in her blood than you're supposed to have and that's because the bracelet had beads which contained 170 times more lead than the maximum safe amount for children's products. And just to be clear, all the companies that sell real medicine for kids already know that rule and get held to it.

Yes. The Bayer company doesn't have stoners at flea market kiosks selling baby aspirin like now with an extra drop of polonium for better chi you can't do that they don't no matter how many fucking resumes i sent them fuck you bear i haven't forgotten you you even sent in the headshot with you as a cowboy and you as a fireman it's not them it's it's not you it's them it's them thank you thank you Okay, well, all that being said, keep in mind, according to Ben Stein, who's like super smart, the CDC is made up of the same guys who helped the Illuminati give everyone liquid autism hidden in vaccines, which allowed those extremely wealthy people to profit from lots of autism. That's a booming industry.

Just a fair reminder for all being good skeptics. Regardless, there's a retail market that's not being fully tapped here. And we really don't like children. That's just gross. So we're going to help out. Let's put 30 seconds on the clock. Items for the Philicide themed

store. Go. Maple syrup. Dead people stuff is my wheelhouse. Baby still Bjorn. Okay, that's lifted from episode 60. Go ahead. Macy's Anthony. Carlos Mencia.

Alcoholics Adnonymous. What? He killed her because she was pregnant. She said she was pregnant. She wasn't, but she wanted to get back together. She said she was pregnant. Nobody listens to my serial theories. This is what it looks like when it's in his wheelhouse, guys.

All right, what about the JonBenet onesie? It's a bag, really. Oh, God. See, I was going to go with JonBenet's spray. I'm still on medicines. I bought some car insurance. Small bag. See, I was going to go with JonBenazel spray. I'm still on medicines. I bought some car insurance. All Yates.

Andrea Yates. She drowned her sons. See, but when it comes to filicidal car insurance, I prefer JonBenationwide. All right. How about the Crispin Wallet? Money for steroids and blood. I already did.

Prom dresses. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I got a candy shop. Scott Sweetersons. Scott Peterson. Yeah, no, we get that.

I got one more. How about Susan Smith's anchor baby seat? Anchor baby seat. Susan Smith and Weston. And now that we've successfully elicited a few of those normally I think you guys are funny emails, I suppose we can close the headlines for the night. Heath, Eli, thanks as always.

Nope. And when we come back, we'll turn our Book of Mormon drama into drama. For those of you like ourselves who are wandering lost in the woods of the Book of Mormon, it can be helpful to have a few breadcrumbs to follow. And by breadcrumbs, of course, I mean a sketchified version of what we read last week replete with rap battles and funny voices. So to keep you on the road to grandmother's house, we're pleased to once again present Mormon Peace Theater. Last time on Mormon Peace Theater. I'm Alma Gah.

And I'm Amalek, your priest buddy. And I'm Mosiah. Hey, guys, you want some pizza bagels? Uh, no thanks, Dad. I'm just going to go proselytize to the Lamanites. Oh, okay. You and your brothers have fun. Don't get kidnapped now.

So anyway, we totally got kidnapped. That bites bones. Gah. Yeah, I wonder what happened to us. To us. To us. Why are you repeating yourself like that? Are we... We're not doing the...

Never mind. And now, on with the show. Hi, I'm Aaron. Hello there. Welcome to Jerusalem. Really? Just... Just Jerusalem? Yep. Yep. show hi i'm aaron hello there welcome to jerusalem really just just jerusalem yep yep um by the way you have the wrong religion oh go suck a dick okay well that could have gone better hey you uh where am i oh we call our village Auntie Auntie. Oh, okay. Two in a row. Weird.

Why is it called, uh... Because it's stuffy in the head, okay? It's stuffy in here. There. Got it. Okay. Uh, you want to believe in Jesus now? I sure don't, man.

I sure don't. This sucks. Threw me in jail. Stupid town. Stupid name. Don't worry. I'll save you. Gah. Stupid town. Stupid name. Don't worry. I'll save you. Gah.

Wrong cell. Gah. Don't worry. I'll... Damn it. My cell. Don't worry. Gah.

How do I keep getting the wrong cell? It's the third one over, dude. Third one... Third one over. Got it. Motherfucker! From the left? Um, I can't see which way you're facing,

but based on your guess just now, I'd say no, from the right. Obviously. Finally! Gah! It is I, Alma, here to save you and take you to preach throughout the land. Great.

Um, thanks, man. No problem. Gah, who else is in the prison? Oh, mostly rapists. Oh, well, Gah, rapists. I'm free. And so it was that Alma and Aaron did go throughout the land, and it came to pass that he did teach them all the things concerning the things pertaining to the things about righteousness item 457 gah if friends all go out to dinner just split the check evenly don't be that guy buy your buddy a

sixth of a scotch don't make everyone do advanced calculus because you had a fucking salad. Gah. The worst. Gah. Item 9843. You get one week to behave however you want after the breakup. Everyone has to be cool. Gah. Then you get an additional week to be sad for each year of the relationship. After that, you got to suck it the fuck up.

Gah. And while Alma did preach to the people, Aaron did journey forth. You can't ask someone to be monogamous and then never want to try butt stuff. You don't get to decide someone never gets to have butt sex. You get to decide

you don't want to have butt sex. Aaron did journey forth to convert Lamoni's father, the king of the Lamanites. Aaron, I am very interested in Christianity. You guys are assholes. I thought he was just going to be in the one book. But I must know if what you say is true.

Yeah, man. The religion I believe is true. Okay, I'm in. I'm going to lay down and take a just-became-Christian nap. Cool, cool. This is a fun character. This character's great. How was I supposed to know

this character would be in multiple chapters? Fucking read ahead. No. No. Now that I am a Christian, it's legal for all the Christians to bother people without being the wrong religion. So no spitting on them or hitting them or biting them or anything.

Question. You. Mooning. Yeah, mooning is fine, I guess. Okay, follow up. What if while I'm mooning them, I accidentally get explosive diarrhea? Does that count as smiting or spitting? Um, neither.

Why would it be spitting? I don't know. Spitting out your butt, man. Amalekites, having heard my word, who among you will join me and be a Mormon? Sure, I'll do it. Sounds nice. Um, just the one guy? Yep, just me. Cool, cool. Glad you're in. Um, anyone else? Uh, nope, just me. Two-man road trip with our new religion, Mormonism. Mormonism. Okay, whatever.

I spy with my little eye, sand. The worst. Okay, it's obvious now that we all love Jesus. We can't be called Lamanites anymore, so we need a new name. Throw them out, people. No wrong answers. Oh, the Aw the, uh,

the Awesomites? Uh, Mormy McMormface. I have one. Ooh, it's Inside Out Little Girl. Yes, I've wrapped all my organs in duct tape and glued my tongue on just so I could come out here and give my suggestion.

I sure hope you all like it. Aww. Aww. You're called the Anti-Nephi Lehi's now? You weren't there, man, okay? Okay.

And so it was that the king died. Blah. Good. Dude! No, I mean Good that the character is not Just go And he was replaced by another king

What shall we name our new king? King name If I may be so bold The new king of Anti-Nephi lehi is named anti-nephi lehi dude you weren't there she was looking at me with her eyeballs in her hand all sad it was a whole thing king anti-nephi lehi what do we do? Bury your swords and show them how Christian you are. And they won't kill us?

Sure. You don't sound sure, and this is pretty important, and I want to just clarify. Hey, am I Anti-Nephi-Lehi leader of the Anti-Nephi-Lehi's or what? Yeah, okay. I mean, being dead might not be so bad. That's what I've been saying! All right. You have been saying that.

Seriously? You're not going to fight back? Because I'm, like, totally going to kill you. Yep, not fighting back. Whoa! I am a Christian now. Oh, man. Is God good at killing Lamanites?

Lamanites are all like, rawr! And God's like, oh, Ammon, my best buddy, you should totally kill him. And I'm like, I guess so, if you need me to. Hey, um, Ammon? Yeah, Aaron. Um, sure sounds like you're just bragging about how great at killing Lamanites like you are. What? What?

No, no. God. That's just what I'm saying. God is good at killing Lamanites. You look good today. Thanks, man. Yeah. You been, uh, working out?

Yeah. Killing Lamanites. Well, you look great.? Yeah, killing Lamanites. Well, you look great. Cut. You look cut. Like a young Jason Statham. Heath? Heath, are we gonna... Amen. And so it was that the Lamanites did march on Jershon,

the new land of the anti-Nephi-Lehies, and there was a great battle. A giant, big, huge battle which we'll represent here with dueling banjos. Um, neither of us know how to play the banjo. Well, then you both lose. I was going to play Ode to Joy.

Gah, what a magnificent battle. Gah. I wish you were an angel, though. Whoa, gah. Wish for an angel, though. Whoa, gah. Left my body. Now I wish for a 13-inch dick. Gah, I said now I wish for a 13... It is I, Corey Hoare, the Antichrist,

and I'm telling everyone God isn't real. Bring him before Alma. Hey. Holy fucking shit, Heath, you're in the past, too? Like, I'm not even... No, I'm Alma. God, who's Heath? I don't know who he is, but he sounds super caught, though.

Like a young Jason Statham. Heath. I mean, God. Look, I'm the Antichrist, and all I'm saying is if God exists, show me some proof. Okay, what about, like, trees? Gah.

Trees? Really? Okay, how about this? He's mute. Oh, he can't speak. Wait, wait, he's writing something. Okay, I'm convinced. Not really sure why you would lead with trees. Please unmute me.

But Alma did not unmute him, and Corey Hoare wandered into the desert where he got stomped to death begging for food from the Zoramites. Gah, the Zoramites seem pretty cool. Gah. Let's all go tell them about Jesus. Hey, have you heard about Jesus?

Gah. Nope. In fact, we are a prideful, greedy people who specifically believe we are chosen and that Jesus isn't real. Oh, Zoramites. Gah. Look, Zoramites. Gah. Look, Zoramites.

Gah. I brought you guys to lunch because I prayed to God that you'll stop being so, like, Zoramite-y and turn Christian. Gah. Right. Yeah, so you guys ready to order? Uh, one second. Hi. Question.

The falafel, does that have dairy in it? No, uh, no, sir. That is dairy-free. Okay, what about the bread? The bread is also dairy-free. No, no, sir, that is dairy-free. Okay, what about the bread? The bread is also dairy-free. Even the butter? No, not the butter. See, this is why you ask,

because they don't know. Honestly, I'm going to skip the bread, because I'm pretty sure I have celiac disease. I'm always just, like, really bloated, and I feel like that's probably the beginning. Okay, so just the falafel for you, sir? And a tomato juice with no ice. Okay, sure.

And also stop eating food. Oh, I forgot you prayed for that. Right, so cancel all that. I'm a Christian now, and I don't need food. Is tip included? People of Zoram, gah. You must heed my words. Sorry to interrupt.

So, that's what you're wearing, huh? Um, yeah, gah. Anyways, Jesus is coming, and, uh... Uh, maybe, maybe... Hi, sorry. Maybe you'd be more comfortable in a jacket? Um, gah, no. No, I'm...

Why don't you try a jacket, sir? Poor people won't make me wear a jacket Gah, Jesus is coming and you should like Be Christian and junk You got any fucking food? Gah, no Why do you guys keep asking that? Okay, Zoramites, hear me out

Gah, I'm not just making this up Other prophets said what I did as well This is real Oh yeah? Who? Um, there's He-Man and Gah Skeletor and The Red Ranger and the Blue Ranger

And the Black Ranger Alright, Elmer, you done good. Here, have a juice box. I'll take over from here. Juice box. Gaw, I'm all bummed the Zoramites didn't change religions and stuff. Bring my sons before me.

Helaman, Gaw. I bequeath you his magic compass and these super cool plates. Shiblin, Gaw, his second son. Wow, Helaman got the rock, the plates, and the compass. I can't imagine what I'm gonna get from you, Dad. Gaw, uh, high five. Aw, fuck you, Dad. And finally, Gaw, Corianton.

Yeah, buh? dead and finally go cory anton yeah you're uh you're a real tool everyone hates you and you're super sinful and you fuck that slut isabel get your shit together go get it together thanks paul and now that the book of mormon has stolen bits from several of our listeners thanksgivings we'll take a break but we'll be back in another month with more Mormon Peace Theater. Before we batten down the hatches tonight, I want to remind everybody to come see us in Austin on Friday, September 22nd, or in Salt Lake City on Sunday, October 1st. Got two back-to-back live records of God-awful movies coming up. A portion of the proceeds for both shows

are going to be going to Disaster Relief, and tickets are still available for Platinum Night. So if you want to hang out with us and riff on the movie the night before, we'd love to have you there. You'll find a link to buy tickets on the show notes for this episode. Obviously, I'm under both contractual

and ethical obligation to thank Heath Enright for his ceaseless commitment to excellence. I want to thank Eli for his excellent commitment to ceaselessness. And I want to thank the lovely and talented Lucinda Lusions for ceasing to excel at having me committed. I also want to offer up a thanks to Kate from Tennessee for providing this week's Farnsworth quote. Kate, I feel your pain. I lived in Tennessee for a couple of years. I think we do it because it's fucking gorgeous everywhere there. But most of all, of course, I want to thank this week's most accommodating comrades, Jose, Michael, Ryan, Patrick, Leslie, Jana, 601, Claire, Brendan, Holly, Jeff, and Dean.

Jose, Michael, Ryan, and Patrick, who may be called upon to ejaculate counterclockwise in Florida this week, Leslie, Jana, 601, and Claire, who are so intimidating, Kim Jong-un is willing to invade South Korea just to get further from their wrath, and Brendan, Holly, Jeff, and Dean, whose intellectual reflections are so deep, BP approached them about drilling rights. Together, these

12 people, prime numbers, and tropical storms that might be hurricanes by the time this comes out came together in the good and gracious act of giving us money. Not everybody has the money to give us money, but if you do, you can. You can make a per-episode donation at patreon.com slash scathingatheist, whereby you'll earn early access to an extended ad-free version of every episode, or you can make a one-time donation by clicking on the donate button

on the right side of the homepage at scathingatheist.com. And if you'd like to help, and you gave all your money to Joel Osteen for all his good works during the flooding in Houston, you can also help us a ton by leaving us a five-star review on iTunes, Stitcher, or wherever else they rate podcasts. Speaking of podcasts, the legal services for this one were provided by the law offices of P. Andrew Torres and our audio engineer is Morgan Clark, who also wrote all the music that was used in this episode, which was used with permission. If you have questions, comments, or death threats, you'll find all the contact info on the contact page at skatingatheist.com. Have you seen Sam Clovis? I have not.

No. Is he big, fatty, fat? He is the greatest. He is the greatest. Did you just load him up? Oh, I gotta find him now. No. That's him.

Oh, my God. Oh, my. No. So this one's going to go for the rest of the show. Oh, Jesus Christ. So this is what E. Honda did after his wrestling career ended. The preceding podcast was a production of Puzzle and a Thunderstorm LLC. Copyright 2017.

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